fivefingerdeathpanda-blog

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I kinda feel like sometimes I want to die because I have a reason and sometimes I want to die because I just can’t be bothered to live.

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Fuck.

Great, so now my only female friend irl is suicidal af again, and brought bleach and pills onto a train. I can’t lose her, i need her.

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Oops.

I hate when I feel great- Like, I know I don’t need to kill myself and everythings gonna be fine... Because I also remember it won’t last, because it never does. And I’m right because an hour later I’m fed up of everything and I just want nothing but to run away or slit my throat. Ha, fun --...--

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meeeeeeeee

that feel when u have one (1) good day and u’re like “im cured? did i make it up??” and the next day is like “ah nvm”

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Accurate...

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Sharp Things

So it looks like my parents really can’t hide everything sharp from me, oh they certainly tried, did pretty well. except I’m too desperate for that to work. I found a tin can lid detached from the can, and an old scar and swiped fast. Worked surprisingly well, i can feel the blood dripping down as i type. Of course this would happen. I fucked up again. I’m sorry, i told you im not strong.

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Meeeeeeeeee lmao

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<3 

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Battle Scars

So today I wrote something across my arm in Permanent Marker, I wrote this-

These scars are not a sign of WEAKNESS!

They are a battle I have fought.

A reminder that Pobody is Nerfect.

And the mark of a Warrior!!!

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IVE GONE MANIC AGAIN OH GOD -.-

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If you want to join my Mental Health/Bpd Support Group on discord, just click this link! If anything goes wrong just message me :)

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Sweet-Nightmares.

I lovehate night time. Everyone falls asleep around about 11pm, and as soon as they do I grab my laptop; put five finger death punch on full blast in my headphones; get my phone onto Facebook and just lie on my bed. And then I start to think and think- and then overthink, and the next thing I know I'm crying. About everything. Because I know my boyfriend will realise I'm completely insane one day and then he will leave me. Or I'll break down and be unable to hide it from my friends and then they will all call me crazy and leave me. I'm not ready for the real world, i can't even get a burger from mc'donalds without getting so anxious I'm actually sweating, let alone buy a HOUSE one day!?! And what if I have CHILDREN? How will I hold back all my impulses to keep them safe- The drinking, the drugs, the substance abuse. And then what if one of my kids gets bullied ;-; I can't even stand the thought of them going through my worst trauma! Oh and what if they bully someone? I could never let that happen. Oh god they would probably have Bpd too, mine was passed down from my Dad, so it could pass on to them too and I would just cry and cry. Oh and then I won't have the option to kill myself anymore, fuckkkk! And fuck thinking about the future!! The future aint gonna exist at this rate, like what am I gonna do even now? I'm stuck with borderline personality disorder, I can't handle or manage it without cutting myself or seeing my FP, and idek how I'm going to get my qualifications let alone a job. Fuck I just want to get another blade, why won't they let me, one deep cut won't hurt surely? FUCK SHIT BALLS who even am I what am I doing this went from a Tumblr post to a vent. And of course there is gonna be that one twat that thinks I'm attention seeking. Maybe I am... Fuck it who even am I anyway so who cares. I'm gonna go headbang to FFDP and carry on worrying whether the people I'm messaging hate me or not.

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Mee

do I Really™ have romantic feelings for this person or am I just idolizing them because they’ve been giving me attention recently

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I want to have no-one left just so I can stop worrying about everyone leaving me. I don’t want to have things, the more I have the more I have to lose. I just want to know somebody understands me, I want someone to tolerate me when I’m having an outburst and know how to help me.

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Exactly how I feel and it fucking sucks when your best friend says she loves you but you can’t stop thinking ‘But you won’t do someday.’.