gothamite-rambler

[gothamite-rambler]

Damian: Selina, there’s a Mother and Child event at my school. My birth mother is busy and can’t attend. Can you attend in her place?

Selina: You… you’re inviting me? To be your stepmom at that? You and me?

Damian: Yes.

Selina: So I’d be your stepmom at this event?

Damian: Yes.

Selina: And is there a... um, race where I can run on the track and possibly win?

Damian: Yes. There will be many games. You don’t have to play, but I think we can win a few. Would you like to attend? It’s called the Rose Festival.

Damian held out a paper rose he made for the event. Selina covered her mouth, small tears forming in her eyes. She never had a great relationship with her parents and hadn’t had kids of her own yet, so this kind of event felt like a gift from God.

Selina: God has finally gifted me this. Damian, I would love to go!

Damian: That’s great. You can keep the rose, mothers and guardians wear them at the event. This is for you.

Selina took the paper rose, her smile lingering. Dick leaned forward, a bit jealous.

Dick: She was my stepmom first.

Damian: Yeah, but she’ll be in this event with me, so… in your face.

Damian snickered happily. Selina gave him a side hug. Damian blinked slowly surprised at first, a soft smile forming at the warm hug. Dick, letting his moment of jealousy go, took a picture to email directly to his sworn enemy… Talia.

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman saying random lines out loud that confuse his family and friends but then they realize that if he didn't voice these thoughts he'd probably be a well dressed Joker.

Batman sighed walking down the dimly pit alleyway.

Batman: If it weren't for spite, caffeine and the many kids I adopted I'm pretty sure I'd be in Arkham.

Red Robin: Um... Thanks for the compliment.

Batman: You're welcome. Did you know pigs can consume human bone?

Red Robin: Yeah, they're cannibalistic too.

_____________

Batman sighed, texting Selina.

Batman: What day is it?

Nightwing: Thursday, midnight.

Batman nodding sighing again.

Batman: I watched the terrifier trilogy last Monday and wasn't thrown off by the gore, but instead debated if Art the Clown is an Eldritch demon or like Jason Voorhees.

Nightwing: Um, first movie, human man, the rest of the series he basically becomes a demon.

Batman: ...You went through the same concerning thoughts?

Nightwing: Yeah, after binge watching Eli Roth movies. I'm torn on the movies, but I like counting the kills.

Batman: Same.

_____________

Batman sighed sewing a wound on his leg.

Batman: I am running on adrenaline, spite and a bet with the Devil and God on if I'll break.

Red Hood (referencing the Bible): Job the sequel?

Batman: Maybe. The fact I'm not upset I'm in pain means I've succeeded at switching pain to pleasure and indifference.

Red Hood: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I agree with you.

_____________

Batman sighed driving his car down the road with his kids in it.

Batman: If I crash this car would I want to die instantly or strive to survive... God I hope it's the latter.

Nightwing: If you die this time I'm not subbing for Batman and neither is Red Robin.

Red Hood: Can I—

Batman: Not a chance in hell.

Robin: Yes! That means I'll be Batman! Batman and doctor!

Red Hood: Yeah, we'll see.

_____________

Batman sighed hanging upside down under a vat of Joker toxin.

Batman: I have insane people thoughts when someone is eating food loudly in front of me.

Joker: STOP BEING WEIRDER THAN ME!

Harley (successfully sneaking in to save the day): I like his random thoughts.

[gothamite-rambler]

Vivian, saved from a robbery by a Gotham goon, looked up at her saviors, Batman and Robin. She closed her mouth, surprised at the tall man.

Vivian: Wow, you are a swoll bro. I am happy to have finally confirmed this.

Batman (leaning forward surprised at what he heard): Right... What?

Vivian: Sorry, it’s a way I describe big hulking hunks I’d love to be with… You’re hot.

Batman (unsure of what else to say): O... Okay.

Robin: You're not swollen.

Batman: It's... It's referring to my muscle mass. Yeah, that's the best way to word it to you.

Vivian: Exactly, I'm just calling your daddy a strong man and he proved it.

Batman: She called me da- that because I'm your father. That's the only reason.

Robin: I know father, why are you clarifying that to me? And why is Oracle laughing in the comms?

Batman: Ignore her. Ma'am you're good? Nothing bruised?

Vivian: Oh trust me, I'm fine. Better since you stepped in and beat up the guy. Thanks for saving me… Batman. Are you single?

Batman (blushing): I—

Robin (holding up his index finger for emphasis): He’s engaged! Catwoman is his partner and she is a good step mother! It took me a while to trust her since she has a criminal record, but that is his woman! And he is her man! You lost your chance. He’s into crazy women with police records anyways.

Batman (debating if he should be insulted): Was that supposed to make me look good?

Robin: Yes! I’m telling her your type, that’s how Red Hood describes your choice of women. That’s how most people describe your preference… Grandpa said—

Batman: You can stop talking now.

Robin: I will. I think I made my point, stay away from my father!

Vivian (holding up her hands, laughing softly): Whoa, chill, kid. I get it, he’s taken and probably wouldn’t be with me anyway.

Robin nodded, crossing his arms. Vivian smiled softly at the young sidekick.

Vivian: You’re so cute kid and a scrappy fighter. I'm impressed. My sister is probably your age.

Robin: Who is your sister?

Vivian: Her name’s April. Your brother, um, Red Hood, saved her… he’s a swoll man too.

Batman: Every time I hear that word, I’m not sure how to respond. For my mental health I will lean towards you’re complimenting us, so I’ll say thanks again.

Vivian: You’re welcome... again. Thanks again for saving me. That creep almost stole my new purse. Not tonight, this is too nice to lose. If ya'll didn't step in, I'd be going to jail.

Batman: It’s a knockoff though.

Robin: Yeah, that’s an imitation Marc Jacobs tote bag. Ma’am, why do you carry a fake bag?

Vivian laughed, shaking her head.

Vivian: It’s cheaper, and honestly, as long as I have one that looks like the expensive one, I’m happy. I got it on—

Batman and Robin: AliExpress?

Vivian: Yes! I shouldn’t shop there, but sometimes I need cheap stuff. You won’t arrest me for having them, will you? I don’t go down quietly.

Batman: You’re— Did that have a double— not going to think about that. You’re alright, you can head off. Have a good night, ma’am.

Vivian: You too. And here’s a little tip from me.

Vivian handed Batman a paper advertisement for her Etsy shop, where she sold handmade crocheted stuffed animals and other odd items. Batman handed the paper to Robin, who read it and nodded.

Robin: I will be checking out your storefront under a code name. Thank you.

Vivian: No prob. See ya, Robin and swoll man.

Vivian sashayed off humming happily, pulling out her phone. Batman sighed, tapping the top of his cowl.

Batman: The word “daddy” was only used once. “Swoll” is at least an accurate description. Robin, you did a good job tonight.

Robin: Huh? Oh, thank you, Father. Let’s take this goon to the station and then get some late-night breakfast.

Batman: …Okay.

Batman dragged the unconscious goon on the ground as he and Robin walked down the alley.

*Vivian and April are ocs I made, they're black like me and live in New Jersey and enjoy the crazy atmosphere, think Lilo and Nani lol

[gothamite-rambler]

Art by @jjmk-jjmk

Happy Birthday Jason!

Jason Todd locked his apartment door, sat on the couch and pulled the new book he bought out of his backpack. He paused before reading, sensing someone was in his apartment.

Jason (continuing to read): Stephanie... wherever you're hiding, you leave your hiding spot.

Stephanie could be heard screaming in frustration, but she left her hiding spot in the bathroom.

Stephanie: You got me. How though?

Jason: You wear the strongest smelling perfume, I could tell when I entered.

Stephanie: Me smelling like bath and body works 'A Thousand Wishes' gave me away... worth it. Also, happy birthday!

Jason: Oh, thanks… why did you pick my bathroom to hide in?

Stephanie: I was going to surprise you by popping out of the shower when you went to take a dump, but you already noticed I was here… unrelated question, you have books in your bathroom? Weirdo.

Jason: I like to read on the toilet. I keep them clean.

Stephanie: Still weird, your cat was in there too. He's so cute.

Jason (frustrated with his cat): Austen? Damn it Austen, you're supposed to be a guard cat!

Austen meowed from the bathroom, leaving while holding a bottle cap in his mouth.

Jason: Did you only come here to bother me on my rebirthday?

Stephanie: No silly. Cass came with me to also bother you.

Jason: She did?

Cass (popping her head from behind the sofa chair): Hi Jason.

Jason: Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

Jason fell off his couch landing with a thud. Austen the cat took this as his chance to reclaim the middle seat on the couch. Cass waved wearing her bat suit unmasked. Jason laughed in response to his pet taking his seat and Cass being in his apartment fully dressed in her Bat suit.

Stephanie (throwing her arms up, pouting): Are you serious?

Cass: Told you I was better at hiding and remaining quiet. You kept the cat away from me. We work well as a team.

Stephanie: Don't butter me up with compliments.

Cass: I'll pause on that. Hello again Jason, happy rebirthday.

Jason: Hi Cass, and thanks for the surprise. I always wanted a heart attack on my rebirthday. I'm not going to yell at you, but how did you get in my apartment?

Cass (casually motioning her head to the window): I broke a window and snuck in with Steph.

Jason spotted his window smashed with glass on the ground. Austen looked at the smashed open window and meowed, reminiscing how that's how he got into Jason's apartment.

Jason: I've gotten a free cat because of that window and now my sister and her soon-to-be girlfriend sneak in through it. It must be good luck.

Cass: So you're not mad?

Jason: Nope. I'll fix it later.

Stephanie: He wouldn't be mad at us, we're family after all and here to celebrate his birthday… or rebirthday? Why do you guys call it that?

Jason: It's just a fun title since I was brought back to life like five years after dying and then went back to aging like you normal people.

Cass (going over to Jason): It's a good coping mechanism as well. Now, time for your birthday hug.

Jason: In your Bat suit?

Cass: Yes, you should count yourself lucky to hug a hero like myself.

Jason: …Fair point.

Cass and Jason embraced. Stephanie scurried over, joining by hugging on the side of their bodies and then pulling away and pulling a small candle out of her pocket. Once Jason pulled away he laughed at the age on the candle.

Jason: 43? How old do you think I am?

Stephanie: You're older than me, plus this was all my ma had in her kitchen. Be thankful you have a considerate friend who can get a candle. I had a cupcake, but Austen ate it.

Austen meowed, agreeing with that.

Jason: Was it vanilla?

Stephanie: Yep.

Jason: Since it wasn't chocolate I'm glad he got to eat a snack. Did you guys seriously break into my place to celebrate my birthday?

Stephanie and Cass (in unison): Yeah, pretty much.

Stephanie: Oh and we're dragging you to a party Dick and Bruce set up for you. They want you to come, they invited all your friends, which we're surprised you have so many, and best part, there's a table with a ton of gifts for you!

Jason: For real?

Cass: She tells no lie.

Stephanie: Especially about the friends part. I thought he paid some of them, but they said they know you from missions or when you were a crime boss. Aren't you a lucky ducky?

Jason: You choose my rebirthday to insult me and call me a friendless loser?

Stephanie: Yep!

Jason: That's what I like to see, treat me like you normally would. You can head on without me. Bruce usually has those gifts delivered to my front door.

Cass: We know, he's like Santa Claus. Puts everything in a big red bag and leaves them at your front door.

Jason (taken back): He… he delivers them himself? I thought he had a guy.

Cass: No, he wears a disguise.

Stephanie: Yeah this year he was going to dress as Weird Al.

Jason: Oh wait… so he was the guy that looked like Keanu Reeves last year? I hugged that guy. The deception!

Stephanie and Cass laughed at the man's reaction. He planned for that and laughed too. He sat back down on the couch next to his cat and grabbed his book.

Jason: Seriously though, I'm fine. You can head out.

Cass: Hold on, before we successfully convince you to go with us, here's your gift from me to you.

Cass pulled out a wrapped present from behind her back. The front had a small card that said "from Cass to baby brother." Jason rolled his eyes with a playful smirk, but wasn't going to turn down a good gift.

Cass: It's a book, as you can see, a special book. I got it from Barnes and Noble.

Stephanie: I put my gift in a gift… it's a Barnes and Noble gift card.

Jason: Those are awesome gifts. I'll open it later, this means a lot. Thanks.

Cass leaned forward inspecting her brother's body language. Stephanie giggled knowing what was about to happen and excused herself to head to the kitchen to find a different food item she could stick the candle into.

Cass (squinting her eyes): Hm.

Jason (remembering the girl can read the body for emotions): No, no, don't do that lie detector thing with your eyes. I'm okay. I like the gift. I just don't usually do anything for my birthday.

Stephanie (from the kitchen): What did he saaaay?! You don't celebrate your birthday you goober?

Jason: Yes, it's not that odd! And get out of my kitchen!

Cass: Wait, wait, but why don't you celebrate your rebirthday? You don't go out to dinner? Go shopping? Maybe buy yourself a small cake?

Stephanie (adding on while grabbing a banana): Go to the birthday your rich foster dad throws for you! That's a good start!

Jason: Not listening to you and you better not eat anything in my fridge!

Cass: I know you and Bruce haven't always been on good terms, but she's got a point. There was a clear plastic pig box full of money at the party before Steph and I snuck off.

Jason: Yes, yes I know about the money pig, he brings that to me too. It's not my relationship with Bruce that negatively affects this day. I appreciate the parties and it's nice to know they're thinking about me like that. The simple answer is… I never felt like doing anything when I got brought back. Even when I was a kid, birthdays were uneventful with my birth parents. They tried their best even when Cathy got addicted… no kids my age were there though.

Jason paused, looking at the joint gift then sighed.

Jason: Bruce tried his best too. He invited kids from my school, we had fun. Even Dick would show up with some of the Titans. It wasn't exciting all the time, but it was nice. Then I got brought back to life. Talia and Ra's weren't big into birthdays and I wasn't all there.

Cass: Because you got revived from the Lazarus pit?

Jason: Yes, not pit madness. Some people think I have that. I was just depressed. Being brought back from the dead isn't a fun time.

Cass: They didn't do anything fun that day? That seems harsh for them.

Jason: Don't get me wrong, they tried. Ra's would give me a birthday raise, which was an envelope full of money, and Talia sung happy birthday in Arabic then gave me a rice cake.

Cass: Rice cake? Steph, Talia used to give Jason birthday rice cakes!

Stephanie: Cause he was fat?! Ha!

Jason (laughing): No, because I like rice cakes! Shut up! I also got birthday money from Ra's. More than you'll ever see.

Stephanie (entering the living room with the banana and a candle stuck in the top): La dee dah, my ma makes me a whole dinner for my birthday. So I think we're even.

Jason: Whatever, point is once I made it back to Gotham I usually spend time alone until midnight then go on a patrol or to a bar.

Stephanie pouted, shaking her head. Cass placed her hands on her hips.

Stephanie: Dude I get the trauma, I do, but from what you told us you have more reason to celebrate. You got Ra's to give you birthday money, that is impressive. Damian said the old man would send ninjas after him and you got cash!

Jason: Oh he sent those ninjas after me too. I won every time.

Stephanie: There ya go!

Cass (placing a hand on Jason's shoulder): I can see where you're coming from, but Jason you've got more reason to celebrate your birthday. You were brought back to life, became this behemoth of a man and a hero. I would rather you not take lives in that, but you have a lot to be happy about. Why pass on that?

Jason: You're both too young to get it.

Stephanie (pointing from herself to Cass): I'm like a year younger than you and Cass is a few months older than you. Plus we've both been through hell and back ourselves.

Cass nodded, avoiding the comment on ages since they all did technically die too.

Cass: Hm, age or not, I was raised by a vile man who wanted me to be nothing but a silent assassin. Birthdays weren't prioritized when I was around him. After I escaped him, I battled with the thoughts of if I deserved any happiness or a birthday, but some awesome people reminded me that I am worthy of happiness.

Stephanie: She's talking about us.

Cass: If it weren't for them I'd be killing and a soulless husk.

Jason: Unrelated question, I'm not a soulless husk at least?

Cass: Fortunate for you and me, you're not. Enjoying a party with some mediocre cake is the least we can do on this day. We get many lives and we need to enjoy every single one of them. You deserve the same thing, Jason. So just go to the party with us.

Austen meowed in agreement, his tail swishing happily as he stared at Jason, slow blinking to show his love.

Jason: I... Dang it. I can't say no after you said all that sappy stuff. Got be a gift, banana candle from Steph, you really want me to go to this party… Fine, I'll go, but I won't enjoy it.

Stephanie: Yes! Tim owes me fifty bucks now. Here ya go, blow out the candle.

Jason: Blow out the candle that's stuck into my fruit… Okay.

Jason blew out the candle after silently making a wish. Stephanie cheered and Cass clapped happily.

Jason: I'm not telling you my wish.

Stephanie: It's okay, you're supposed to keep them secret anyways until they come true. Now get up, we got a party to get to!

Cass: And don't worry, Dick said he'd sneak you out if you didn't want to stay for long.

Jason: He would do that. In fact he might drag me to a bar so we can play games. He did that to me last year.

Stephanie: Oh we're going with you to that.

Cass nodded eagerly. Jason, realizing he might actually enjoy himself at this party, finally stood up and grabbed his coat. Austen meowed, staying put on the couch.

Jason: That means he'll stay here and watch the place. Doubtful!

Austen meowed defiantly, then took a nap.

Stephanie: He is so adorable. Alright, let's go.

Jason: Wait, let me open this gift of yours.

Jason tore the paper off seeing a journal and pen set, and inside the book was a gift card from Stephanie with three hundred dollars scribbled on the front.

Stephanie: You'll be able to get like ten books with that gift card. You don't have to thank me. I know I'm the best gift giver.

Jason: You sure are and I'm using this tomorrow.

Cass: Technically it wasn't me who picked the journal. Bruce told me you've been wanting a new one, but he knew you'd reject anything from him since you'd suspect he bugged it. I bought that myself though. You like it?

Jason: I… love it. Thanks, sis.

Jason hugged Cass again making Stephanie squeal happily.

Stephanie: Aww, you're going to make me cry! Let's go before I ruin my makeup.

Cass: Hold on, we go through the window, cause it's secretive.

Jason: You just want to go through the window again, don't you?

Cass nodded.

Jason: I'd have the same reasoning, let's go.

...

The trio arrived at the Wayne Manor an hour later while the party goers were enjoying the fancy food. Bruce was on a ladder trying to fix a loose streamer. Damian was swinging a bat at a piñata that he demanded was added to get free candy.

Cass already changed out of her Batsuit, switching to a feminine red pants suit. Stephanie changed into a red ball gown.

Jason: Why are you wearing a ball gown?

Stephanie (posing): It makes me feel fancy!

Jason: I should be annoyed you're upstaging me at my party, but you do make the dress work. How much do you want to bet they aren't expecting me?

Cass: You're going to win that bet, but we're winning for getting you to come here. They're fully set up and everyone has arrived, but someone will fall off a ladder.

Stephanie agreed with a shrug. Jason opened the door and Bruce, on a ladder rehanging a fallen streamer, fell spotting Jason and landed on Alfred.

Alfred: I'm good… Master Bruce get off my hip.

Bruce, frazzled at seeing Jason, his son actually made it to the party, jumped to his feet.

Bruce: He showed up?!

Alfred: I knew the day would come. Glad it was before I died.

Alfred stood to his feet and wiped the dust off his suit.

Jason (waving): Glad I could make it, is that a piñata?

Bruce: Damian said you'd want one.

Damian: Is Jason here? I got a piñata this time! I got it this time!

Damian whacked Duke in the stomach causing the man to yelp in pain. Damian lifted his blindfold seeing who he got, then started laughing.

Duke: Boy give me that damn bat!

Damian: I haven't gotten the candy yet! This is for Jason!

Duke: Give me the bat or you'll be one?

Duke chased after Damian, the two briefly greeting Jason as they ran past him.

Jason (sincere): This is nice so far.

Cass: Told you we could get him here.

Dick: Everything is set up, father just wanted to fix that one straight streamer for some reason.

Bruce: Nothing can be out of place. I'm fine by the way. Um, welcome... This is a surprise to everyone.

Jason: I can see that. You went all out with the theme.

Bruce: Yeah, I spent nights while working to get the right literature theme for this. Worth the sleep deprivation, not going to lie.

Dick: The best for you Jason although we thought this would be another year you avoided this. Happy Birthday!

Jason (appreciative tone): Thanks for all this.

Dick went over and hugged his brother. It was a quick hug, but Jason accepted it. Tim walked over surprised to see Jason at his own birthday party.

Tim: Holy crap he actually is here!

Cass: Told ya we could convince him to attend.

Tim: Damn it!

Tim slapped fifty dollars into Stephanie's hand.

Stephanie: Awesome! Thanks for the win Jason. I'm going to stuff my face with cupcakes.

Stephanie eagerly went to the crafts table, her eyes on the cupcakes ready to eat three already.

Tim: Next time don't let her win a bet.

Jason: Nah, it's left you annoyed so that's a win for both of us. I'm going to hit the piñata.

Tim: Hold on, I want to go first!

Tim and Jason headed off. Cass swayed happily, Bruce going over to her.

Bruce: Um, Cass, you didn't have to bring him here for the party. He—

Cass: Father, trust me he told us he didn't want to celebrate his rebirthday, but I reminded him of one thing. It's better to celebrate a birthday with your family than alone. You got this chance to celebrate with him. Take it.

Bruce: Thank you.

Cass: You're welcome.

Bruce headed over to Jason while his son used a different stick to try and hit the piñata. Alfred went to the gift table to make sure his gift for Jason was in the front. It was a gun.

Everyone Jason knew and cared about was there celebrating the festivities. Ra's and Talia even showed up, wearing disguises, but there nonetheless.

Dick walked over to Cass. She smirked holding out her hand. Dick sighed softly, reaching into his pocket and handing her a hundred dollar bill.

Dick: You got lucky. I could've gotten him here too.

Cass (pocketing the money): Mm-hm.

Dick: I'm glad he's here. Thanks sis.

Cass: No problem and when you sneak off with him, Steph and I are going.

Dick: Obviously, my treat too.

What did Jason wish for? Nothing cheesy, just a wish that he'd get a chance at petting a platypus.

Jason wasn't a big birthday fan, but he couldn't hide that it was worth going to this one and feeling appreciated.

Happy birthday Jason Todd. 🎂

[gothamite-rambler]

Based off those scenes from the James Gunn Superman movie and who his actual owner is. Never mess with a woman and their pet, we will attempted murder you.

Kara: Clark, what the hell?!

Clark: Did I do something wrong?

Kara: Lex… Lex Luthor, that bald motherfucker, stole my dog!

Clark: Oh… yeah, he did. I got him back.

Kara: You got him back?! He shouldn't have been stolen in the first place! I trusted you!

Bruce: You didn’t pay him, though.

Clark: Oh, Bruce, please don’t help.

Bruce: I'm just saying pay is extra protection.

Kara: The cousin’s clause says I don’t pay him for watching fluffers!

Bruce: You should- Ow!

Clark slapped Bruce on the arm before he could finish talking, shaking his head and glaring at his friend. Bruce rolled his eyes, returning to drinking his coffee.

Kara: Ignoring the rich boy. Clark, what did that thief put my baby through? I must know so that when I deal with him, I can tell him why I'm there as I slowly snap his fingers.

Clark: A squirrel-chasing simulator. He’s fine, I promise. I know how you are with Krypto.

Kara: He’s my baby. I will rip any man, woman, or human thumb if they hurt him!

Bruce (dry chuckle): Human thumb? That’s a good one. I don’t agree with killing, but I love your anger.

Kara: Thanks, Bruce. Now, Clark, where is Lex? I’m about to make his head look like his penis, if he isn’t circumcised, and if he is, he'll need his Johnson sewn back on like I’m Lorena Bobbitt!

Bruce: No killing him?

Kara: Since Krypto’s alive, I’ll only physically punish him. Clark, where is he?

Clark: Look, Kara, I know you want to teach him a lesson—

Kara: I want to beat his ass and send him into a coma! Or cut his Johnson off... or at the very least snap his arms like pretzel sticks.

Clark: Yes, I get that, I do, but there's no need. I’ve got extra good news. Krypto attacked him after I got him freed, and he did a lot of damage. I tried to tell him to stop... but that dog didn’t listen. He’s a bad boy.

Kara (surprised, proud tone): He attacked Lex? Aww, that’s my boy!

Kara whistled loudly for Krypto to hear her. The white dog flew into the room, crashing through a few walls. Krypto barked happily, looking around. Seeing Kara, he yelped and grumbled happily before flying into her, tackling her to the ground.

Kara giggled erratically while her loyal dog gave her kisses and aggressive shoves with his paws, but Kara wasn't complaining.

Clark sighed, shaking his head.

Clark: Sorry about him.

Bruce: It’s fine. Justice League headquarters is insured for incidents like this, and for what Kara did to my car outside when she landed. I’ve always heard women and their dogs are like mother and child. Selina is the same way with her cats.

Clark: Yeah, Kara and Krypton are that way, if both parties were superhumans. I’m glad I talked her out of meeting with Lex. That man’s been through enough.

Bruce: She’d definitely laser his penis off.

[gothamite-rambler]

Jason and toddler Damian sat in front of the TV at the castle, watching Blue's Clues. Jason wanted to introduce Damian to more kid-friendly content. Living with Talia and Ra’s was already a negative influence in Jason’s eyes, so good kids' cartoons seemed like a positive for Damian’s development.

Talia and Ra’s watched from security cameras, their expressions suspicious.

Talia: I don’t understand this show. There’s a blue dog, and a human man?

Ra’s: And almost every inanimate object is alive. That would be my personal hell.

Talia: Yes, I agree, but Damian seems to enjoy it.

Meanwhile, in the room, the mail song started, the host Steve danced and sang with the energy of a man who was on top of the world. His energy was infectious and with each lyric, Damian repeated the words as best as his high pitched voice could.

Toddler Damian (singing): Da da Mail! It da fails! Da da da wag my tail! When it… Wail! MAIL!

The toddler waved his hands energetically and jumped up and down. Jason chuckled, clapping at Damian’s enthusiasm.

Damian: They got letter!

Jason: You know what that means?

Damian: Yeah! We just got a letter!

Damian swayed his hips to the music and started dancing happily, singing along with Steve.

Jason pulled out a journal and began jotting down notes.

Jason (whispering): Damian is five years old, a bit of a terror... like most toddlers. He's struggled with speaking, but is getting better, overall a decent brother. Talia still refuses to tell Bruce about the child. Every year that passes gives me more leverage to rub in that smug asshat face that I knew about Damian before him. Probably another year before I convince her to tell him. Also toddlers really like Starbursts.

As if on cue, Damian walked over, holding out his hand.

Damian: Candy, please.

Jason: Hmm, you’ve been good today. I’ll give you three.

Damian: Yes!

Talia laughed softly, feeling motherly appreciation. Ra's glanced at her then rolled his eyes.

Talia (to Ra’s): This is a little cute, you can’t deny that.

Ra’s: I’ll give this a pass for now, but he better not be turning my grandson into a wimp.

Talia: I wouldn’t worry about that. Just a day ago, Damian slashed a ninja in the Achilles’ heel with a knife.

Ra’s (morbid happiness): I taught him that! He is a decent grandchild. Glad you did not actually miscarry.

Talia: That's... the kinda sweet of you to say.

[gothamite-rambler]

Robin!Damian pressed his comm button to turn it on, and everyone on patrol that night could hear him loud and clear. He cleared his throat, ready to annoy his family.

Robin: I'm going to put my cat on the mic… MEOW! MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!

While Damian screeched with a mischievous smile, his siblings jolted in shock. Barbara dropped her brownie, nearly falling out of her chair. Spoiler was bothered at first but then burst into laughter. Red Hood and Red Robin weren't as amused.

Red Hood (stammering, unable to focus cause of the yelling): What are— What are— What are you doing?

Robin: MEOW! MEOW! MEOOOOW!

Red Hood: Dude, stop. That's not—

Robin (voice getting louder and more high pitched peaking the comms device's audio): MEEEEEOOW!

Red Hood: That’s not your cat! Stop shouting! Robin-

Red Robin (shouting back at Robin): Knock it off!

Robin (with delight): MEEEEEOOOOOW!

Red Robin: Shut the fuck up!

Robin (jumping up and down): MEOW! MEEEEEOOOOOW!

Red Robin (his voice getting louder with rage): Shut up, motherfucker! I can't hear my own thoughts!

Robin (wretching due to screaming so much): BLECH!

Spoiler: He sounded like a cat puking a hairball. HAHAHA!

Robin: That was funny, right?

Spoiler: Do it again!

Red Robin: Spoiler, now's not the time to be his cheerleader! I have a headache!

Red Hood: While that did annoy me… it also pissed off Red Robin. I vote he continues.

Oracle: Guys—

Spoiler: I second that.

Signal: Third!

Red Robin: Signal, really?!

Oracle: You guys aren’t listening to me. I can see that now.

Robin: I'm gonna put my cat back on the mic!

Red Robin: You sack of feces, I'm going to beat your ass!

Oracle sighed, going back to eating her brownie and deciding it's better to finish her sweet treat before dealing with the bickering heroes.

As the caterwauling resumed, Nightwing and Batman turned off their comms once the first set of screaming started and focused on their investigation. Namely taking a night snack break which was far more important at the moment.

Nightwing: We should’ve probably stepped in there.

Batman: Yes, yes… You want relish on your hot dog?

Nightwing: Nah, just ketchup and mustard. After this, we can look into who stabbed the landlord.

Batman: Yeah, Oracle can handle that. She's an adult, like us. Tell me about your trip to Korea.

Nightwing: I’d love to! Kory and I had so much fun. The hotel had tiny soap shaped like flowers. We both made the mistake of eating them at first. Worth it.

Batman: I made the same mistake when I stayed in one of those hotels.

[gothamite-rambler]

Roy and Donna drabble

Kara: Who in the group would you take—

Donna: Roy. In the bedroom, door locked, cuffs, the fuzzy pink ones, and I’d ride him all day.

Kara: …A fight. Who would you take in a fight?

Donna: Oh! A fight… Roy, that’s foreplay, then the bedroom, door locked, cuffs, the—

Kara: Yes, yes, I get the picture. That’s not what I expected your answer to be… but who do you think would win in the fight?

Donna: Oh, Kara, both of us would be winning.

Kara: …

Rose subtly slipped her phone into her pocket, turning her attention to Donna with an eager smile, ready to talk about her boyfriend Jason and their adventures.

Rose: Where do you buy good handcuffs for the bedroom?

Donna: Spencer’s.

Rose: They have good cuffs?

Donna: I was surprised too. Just don’t get oils there. Roy got a rash when I put that bubblegum-scented oil on him… he still looked hot. His skin had to peel, but he wasn’t complaining. His—

Kara: I really don’t need to hear about this man’s girth.

Rose: Is his… hair down there red or black?

Donna: Oh girl, it’s all red. I love every inch of that man.

Rose: You’re my new best friends. Why don’t we talk more? Want to go book shopping with me?

Donna: Sure. Kara, want to come?

Kara: Honestly, I’d rather not, listening to you two talk about Jason and Roy, who aren’t really my vibe, isn’t what I want on a Saturday… but I do need to pick up a new Colleen Hoover book.

Donna: Ew, you read those too?

Kara: Yeah, my cousin got me hooked. They’re not great books, but it’s like a lifetime movie in book form.

Rose: That actually makes sense. Now, Donna, Roy in the bedroom, rough or soft?

Donna: Let’s talk about this more in the car.

Kara: Perfect, I’ll put in my headphones and sit in the back. You two can discuss that… yuck.

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman: Robin, you can't keep a raccoon.

Robin!Damian held the plump raccoon like he was a child and fed him grapes. The raccoon was confused, but enjoyed the attention.

Robin: Father, I would only keep him for a few days and then send him to a sanctuary that mother set up for me. Look at him, no signs of rabies or aggression.

Batman: I don't trust it. Racoons are deadly animals.

Robin: Father, he's eating grapes.

Batman: He could gnaw off your face in the next second.

Robin: Baba, please.

Batman: Look, you can have him in the cave for a week, but after that he's going to whatever sanctuary your mother set up. Why didn't she tell me she set that up?

Robin: She wanted me to keep it secret so she could make herself look like a better parent. It's working.

Batman: It's nice that Talia is doing this, but stop collecting random animals on the street this isn't pokemon.

Robin: If this was pokemon I'd never use these babies to fight. Just give snuggles.

Batman: This might annoy you but this is making you look adorable.

Robin: Hm, I'll take it this time. Now let's go to the cave, Mr. Panda needs a bath.

Batman: Mr. Panda?

Robin: Yes, his first name will be Pebbles.

[gothamite-rambler]

Jason Todd later finding out that not only did his brother beat Joker to a pulp, he did kill him... until Bruce stepped in. I wish DC would just make this story. It would probably only take two or three pages and then some references after that.

I also respect that when Dick did kill the Joker, he felt guilty, so it does kind of prove Batman's point that they shouldn't kill him... but literally anyone else killing him who's not part of the Batfamily could work.

And to the jackass I blocked, why wouldn't Jason care? Okay yeah it's not Bruce that killed Joker then revived him, but Bruce in this canon did jump start jokers heart. So I would think Jason would be a little perturbed.

Dick: Jason… How are you feeling, bud? I know it's a lot to learn.

Jason took a deep breath as he kept his head down, pinching the bridge of his nose, before reacting explosively.

Jason: Are you kidding?! That's unfair! He wasn't even the—

Jason paused, closing his eyes and pulling a dagger out of his pocket, gripping it tightly. Dick's eyes widened in shock, but Jason was able to relax as he took a deep breath.

Jason: I need to calm down. Everything is fine... I'm an adult.

Cass sat next to Jason and patted him on the shoulder while sipping her smoothie. Damian sat next to Jason and looked at him with a sympathetic smile.

Damian: Just breathe. Don't stab anybody.

Jason: I'm not... I'm not going to stab anyone in this room.

Dick (nervous): That's a big dagger in your hand.

Jason (calm as he gripped the hilt of the knife): This? It's my support dagger. I'm not going to stab anyone. I'm just furious at the jackass who thinks everyone in this family should follow that rule!

Dick: Come on… I felt guilty afterward.

Cass: I would judge you harshly if you hadn't.

Dick: I don't care what you think. Mostly. Jason, your anger is understandable. I had resentment toward Bruce when it happened. I wanted to slap him numerous times.

Bruce: Slap me?

Dick: Or kick you in the crotch. I didn't so be thankful. The truth is, I hated that I lost myself in that moment and stopped his heart. Killing isn't something I could ever do.

Bruce (adding): Again. You could ever do again.

Dick: Bruce I doubt the goon you hit with a car in the 80s lived to the tell the tale.

Bruce: That is in the past, farther back than yours.

Dick: Yeah, so we've all killed or almost killed people and me, much like Bruce and Cass felt awful afterwards.

Jason: Oh God, you and your big heart. Let me handle him next time.

Cass (scolding tone): Jason, no.

Jason: You won't have to be there when I do it. I'd kill him for you or Dick or Damian, even Bruce.

Bruce (mumbling): Not sure how to feel about that.

Cass: I doubt taking his life would be what you truly wanted.

Jason: It kind of is what I want, but I have to accept I can't kill him myself. What if it's an accident? I could accidentally push him down a flight of stairs where he'll fall onto a knife.

Bruce: No! No you won't!

Damian: Pushing him down a flight of stairs might not guarantee he dies. Not that I'm going to give you any tips... Not in front of Father, at least.

Bruce: Jason, you can't kill him. No one can, and Dick already killed him so he can't do it again!

Jason: Why the hell did you revive him?!

Bruce: Murder is wrong!

Jason: For you! For you! And Cass, but she's my favorite. At least she killed someone and felt regret.

Cass: I'm glad my trauma has made me a good example for you. Moments like this are why I enjoy being your sister.

Jason: See? I can't hate that.

Bruce: I… Okay, sure. What do I know? My parents just died—

Jason: We've all lost our parents! You're not special!

Damian: Mine haven't… Wait.

Bruce: Don't worry about it, Damian. Jason, I am… sorry for this betrayal against you. I can make it up to you with money.

Jason (crossing his arms): No amount of money can fix this.

Bruce rolled his eyes, then pulled out his phone and sent Jason some money. Jason checked his phone and huffed in annoyance.

Jason: That amount kind of fixes it. I'm going to complain regardless.

Dick: That's a healthier coping skill for you, at least.

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman: While patrolling in Gotham, I overheard a man talking about who I am under the mask… He said, without a doubt, he thinks Batman is actually Elon Musk.

Green Arrow gasped.

Green Arrow: Oh my goodness, that is so insulting.

Batman: Yeah, I had to hold myself back from hitting him and removing my cowl. I don't even have an accent!

Green Arrow: I don’t blame you. I’m glad my hair shows when I wear my suit… Although, Barry wears a full mask.

Flash!Barry: I heard that! Don’t you dare start another rumor like that!

Batman: Another?

Green Arrow: After the second election, I posted a rumor online saying one of the Flashes might be Eric Trump.

Batman: That is messed up… I respect it.

Green Arrow: Yeah, it was worth it, especially when Trump fans started begging for his autograph. He had to get one of his villains to set the record straight. Remember that Flash?

Flash!Barry: If you pull that crap again, I’m telling everyone you’re Eric Trump! No, wait, Boris Johnson!

Green Arrow: You better not! I said I was sorry. Still funny though.

Batman nodded, chuckling dryly.

[gothamite-rambler]

Red Hood and Orphan patrolled, racing across rooftops and enjoying their crime fighting together. When they wanted quiet time together, the other gave it and when they wanted to have a karaoke parkour session there was no hesitation!

Red Hood (rapping as he runs across rooftops): I'm that baby, baby in the club lookin' for single ladies, Let's go shop and blow some cash, hop in my bubblegum Mercedes. She got curvature, I’m curvin’ her, I’m flaky, please don’t hate me, Tiffany from Perth, now she thunder-fuck me, AC/DC.

Orphan (running alongside him, joining in): What the fuck is wrong with you?

Both Orphan and Red Hood matched each other's pace while singing together effortlessly landing on the next roof.

Their other siblings and friends overheard the entire karaoke session. Oracle enjoyed the music, Red Robin and Robin couldn’t stop laughing, and Spoiler was dancing with an unconscious goon.

Nightwing (not turning on his comms): I have got to listen to that dollar sign guy more. This is catchy.

Red Hood (rapping): I-T-B-O-Y, B-B-N-O-dollar sign, that’s me.

Orphan (providing background vocals): That’s me.

Red Hood (rapping): That’s right.

Orphan: That’s right.

Red Hood (rapping): That’s me.

Orphan (keeping up with her baby brother’s speed): That’s me.

Red Hood (rapping): I-M-H-I-M, the Gen Z Eminem.

Orphan (running slightly ahead): That’s me.

Batman (gravely voice on comms in a fatherly tone): Stop it!

The duo paused their rooftop run, sharing the same annoyed expression.

Orphan (mocking as she gave a thumbs down): Boo! Boo, this man!

Red Hood laughed making Orphan bow at joke landing well and making her brother laugh.

Orphan (soft spoken): I'm a threat and comedian. Eat that Nightwing.

Red Hood: These are the times I enjoy teaming up with you for patrols.

Batman: Hey, I can hear all of this. Stop singing and rapping!

Harley (with him on patrols, whining): Aww, why'd you stop 'em? That was good.

Batman: Do not encourage them. You have to be-

Red Hood (interrupting his father): Super serious, yadda, yadda. Told you he’s a fun sucker. Want to keep going? Comms off?

Orphan: Take the lead, baby brother.

Batman: Don't turn– Th- They actually turned off their comms. Red Hood I'd expect that from, but Orphan too? Damn it!

Harley (while dragging a tied up Scarecrow): Disobeyin' kids can be a real pain?

Batman: Yes. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle the headaches. I'm Batman and I barely can.

Harley laughed, walking off with Batman. She then pulled out her cell phone, went to Spotify and played a song by BBNO$ called 'Meant to Be'. Batman glared at Harley briefly, she kept her Cheshire grin in response. Batman faced forward soon after and kept walking with her.

Batman: You're lucky I like this song by him.

song in question (i love BBNO$):

[gothamite-rambler]

Authors note: I go off the canon she eats more meat than plant products and I don’t give a fuck if you disagree. I’m sorry for being rude about this. I just like that canon, I haven’t gone too deep into all of it but I just kept that way. I always saw that when they do that canon it’s her thinking that’s better for her. I don’t think it has to make sense I’m writing this in the time frame of when Dick was 9, Ivy would’ve just turned into a plant woman. Sorry for the rant I just want to write fun stories for people to enjoy.

Dick Grayson, 9-year-old Robin, walked over to Poison Ivy and handed her a bag of pork rinds.

Robin!Dick: I brought a snack for you while waiting for Batman to save me.

Poison Ivy: Barbecue Pork Rinds? My favorite... these are for me?

Robin!Dick: Mm-hm, I overheard a conversation you had with Harley on the phone once about how hard it is to get tasty pork rinds. It took a lot of convincing, but Batman bought them for me, and they're for you. You enjoy them. I'll get in the vine cage.

Poison Ivy looked at the bag of chips with a genuine happy smile. She opened the bag and took a bite of one of the rings, instantly enjoying them.

Poison Ivy: If the rumors are true that Batman is abusing this kid, I will personally murder him— Hey kid, if Batman is hurting you, I can kill him for you.

Robin!Dick (sitting in the vine cage on a swing): Hm? Oh no, he's not beating me or anything. He can be a jerk most of the time, but he's a good teammate and papa.

Poison Ivy: You make me want to have a child.

Robin!Dick (sweetly because he's an adorable sidekick): Aww, thank you.

Many hours later, after the usual fight Ivy and Batman had before he defeated her, Ivy sat on the floor cuffed and smirking.

Poison Ivy: Oh Batman, if you're hurting this kid in any way, Gaia herself won't be able to stop me from—

Batman: I'm not abusing him! I'm stopping you there. You can find it odd that I have a kid as a sidekick, I've moved past that because I don't care what any of you say, but I am not an abusive parent! Okay? I would never, ever, ever abuse him!

Robin!Dick: Don't worry, Batman, I told her the rumors aren't true. Luckily I wasn't mad at you or I would've lied a little.

Batman (exhausted tone): Yeah, you know... What happened to the bag of pork rinds I gave you?

Robin!Dick: I gave them to Miss Ivy. She eats animal products more than she eats vegetables because she's a plant lady. We had a discussion about whether she eats mushrooms.

Robin!Dick blinked with a cute smile as his father stared at him, mystified by the answer. Batman sighed, covering his face with one hand.

Batman: I can't even be mad at him, he was asking her a good question and he's being cute now.

Robin!Dick: The answer was it depends what type of mushrooms.

Poison Ivy: You're pissing off Batman and you're not scared?

Robin!Dick (chuckling with a nonchalant tone): Of him? Heh, heh, of course not!

Poison Ivy: ...I like you more and more.

Batman: Ivy, shut up. Robin, I'll deal with you later. Go to the car.

Robin!Dick: Okay, bye Miss Ivy.

Batman: Stop calling her that!

Poison Ivy: I go by Pam or Ivy.

Batman: Don't give him suggestions! I am so conflicted about my sidekick fraternizing with a villain. You better not brainwash him!

[gothamite-rambler]

Stephanie: I got new books from Barnes and Noble!

Jason closed his book, staring at the wall, then holding his head down and counting down to three as Stephanie pulled out the first book.

Stephanie: Most of my picks are new spicy content to read! YAY!

Jason (fake cheering): Yeah, more porn books!

Stephanie (correcting with a playful smirk): Spicy!

Jason (doubling down): Porn! Erotica!

Stephanie: Well, us readers call it spicy, and if you can't enjoy it, just judge us silently. I don't judge you for reading Jane Eyre.

Jason: That's not her name! Just tell me what hot pepper books you bought.

Stephanie (showing off three books): Hot pepper? You are so corny, but I'll show you! This one is part of the Ice Planet Barbarians book series, this one is about a lady that lands on an alien planet and gets it on with aliens, and this is the novel version of Wicked.

Jason: Out of all three, Wicked is the one I had a hard time reading. I prefer the musical.

Stephanie: I do too, but the themes explored in the book are interesting. Elphaba has so much depth in the story compared to the original Wizard of Oz. I actually read this book years ago and wanted to buy a copy of my own.

Jason: Whew, thank god your head isn't clouded with complete erotic nonsense.

Stephanie: I have many layers, Jason. Don't forget that.

[gothamite-rambler]

Batman: How many years ago did you say this was?

Joker (swiping his hand across the air): THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

Batman: No shut up! You haven’t gotten to explaining how you managed to steal my car!

Joker (swiping his hand across the air): THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO!

Batman (raising his voice enraged): STOP IT!

Joker: Look I planned this, I wrote a speech, I get you and your brats are tired of it, but I watched a lot of adult cartoons to prepare my speech.

Batman (shouting, losing his patience): I don’t care! Why is my car in a vat of cheese!

Joker (saying random expletives): I am fucking trying to get to that. Can I speak?! Can I breathe?! Allow me to tell the fucking story. For fucks sake!

Red Hood covered Robin’s ears as the clown cussed and poked Batman in his chest.

Joker: If you would fucking let me talk I can get to that part. You drone on and on with monologues. Let me fucking tell my fucking story and I will fucking give you an answer for why your fucking car is in fucking cheese!

Batman growled in response.

Robin!Damian: That means, um, he hates every fiber of your being. He’s trying to summon laser eyes if he had them.

Red Hood: Just tell the whole story. We all have shit to do and I’m trying not to stab you.

Joker: Thank you… where was I?

Robin!Damian (imitating Joker): Thousands of years ago!

Joker (clearing his throat then swiping his hand across the air): THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO! In a time that Ron Hubbard would use for his cult books!

Batman (rubbing his forehead): Oh, I can tell this story is going to make no sense. I needed another reason to throttle you.

[gothamite-rambler]

Kite-Man: Spoiler, hey.

Spoiler: Chuck, sup. How's married life treating you?

Kite-Man: Really great. Don't worry, I'm not committing any crimes this week.

Spoiler: That's good to hear. Can I ask you some questions about a suspect Red Hood and I are searching for? We won't hurt you if you comply, yadda yadda, you get the rest.

Kite-Man: I do. I'd rather your boyfriend not shoot me, and I don't mind—

Spoiler (recoiling): What? Ew! He's not my boyfriend! That tool is my friend at most. I wouldn't sleep with him unless I was offered a million dollars issued to me each year. Ugh, gross!

Red Hood (fake chipper tone as he flipped Spoiler a middle finger): Hey, fuck you too.

Spoiler: Sorry, Hood, but he's confusing you with Red Robin, that's the man I had relations with.

Kite-Man: Oh! You're right, my bad. I was about to say, he's more your speed.

Red Hood and Spoiler: Her speed? / My speed?

Kite-Man: He's got unbridled rage and intelligence like you, and you're both bi. I don't want to assume anything, but he seemed like a good starter for you before you dumped him.

Red Hood: Actually, he—

Spoiler (interrupting with a covered prideful smile): That's right, Chuck. I dumped him. It was tragic, we weren't compatible, but stayed friends. The sex was good, but everything after that? Not for me.

Red Robin (on comms): Could you not insult me while I can hear you over the airwaves?

Spoiler: He overheard me. I'm ignoring him, he doesn't like being reminded that I dumped him. Thing is, I've got my eyes on his sister, and she is a foine replacement.

Batman: Oracle please disable my comms for the next hour.

Oracle: Because Spoiler wants to kiss your daugh-

Batman: DISABLE MY COMM!

Spoiler: I pissed off Batman now... it's going to be a good week.

Kite-Man: You frisky cat, I love your energy. Alright, for that compliment, I'll tell you what I can.

Spoiler: This is why you're my favorite villain. Red Hood, you want to join us for this interrogation?

Red Hood: Um, sure. This is oddly wholesome to witness. You actually like the kite loser?

Spoiler: Hey! This man took something as lame as kites and used it as his mode of being a villain. I respect that kind of commitment.

Kite-Man: You are a treasure. I just want you to know that.

Spoiler: Thanks, Chuck.

[gothamite-rambler]

This is a "what if" scenario, imagining Bruce had a fifteen-year-old Tim Drake as his Robin. Personally, I’ve never liked this ship, fictional characters or not, it feels gross to me. Dick and Babs make sense; the rumor that Babs was aged down to only be with Dick wasn’t true. They grew up together as youngsters, both working with Batman, but Batman was their teacher (and Dick’s dad).

So, for me, this is just me having fun with the idea that the rumor of Batman and Batgirl hooking up was spread within the villain circuit, both to mess with Nightwing and to make Batman look like a creep. Jim was unfortunate enough to hear this rumor, and suffice it to say, he’s panicked at the implications.

It all started on the usual night for Batman and Robin to patrol and find a killer as well. Jim was on the rooftop with the heroes, handing them a case file, but he wasn't about to turn around and let them sneak off easily without getting an answer to his important question. A question that could make or break a friendship.

Jim: Alright, starting in Bowery is a good plan. Search from there. If you see a pimp named Lucifer, you can beat him up. You look ridiculous as usual, and did you ever have sex with my daughter?

Batman (delayed shock): …What?

Robin!Tim (flipping through the case file folder): He said we should start at Bowery, look for a satanic pimp named Lucifer, insulted your suit, and then asked if you violated his daughter.

Robin yawned, disinterested in the conversation. Batman, glancing from his sidekick to Jim, quickly realized the man wasn’t joking. He looked around the roof, checking for cameras, but Jim serious expression leaned towards this wasn't a prank either.

Batman: I blacked out mentally for a second. Repeat the last question, Gordon.

Jim: Gladly. Bruce... did you violate my daughter?

Batman: To start, call me Batman.

Jim: Got it. Batman, did you do the nasty with my daughter while she was Batgirl? Did you have sex with her? Did you groom her? Did you screw her?!

Batman opened his mouth, the words entering his mind slowly, taking a moment to register what he was asked. He looked at the night sky, debating whether he should just sneak off, but that would make him look guilty too. Robin paused reading through the case file, looking at his teammate.

Robin!Tim (playfully elbowing the man in his hip): BATMAN, DID YOU VIOLATE HIS DAUGHTER?

Jim: Good word usage there.

Robin!Tim: You can use it again if you want. Batman, hey you heard the man? Answer him!

Batman: Give me a minute. Can you both give me a minute to answer! Damn!

Robin!Tim: Yelling at me doesn’t make me scared. Like you're not my dad.

Jim: Should I have heard that?

Batman: I… I don’t know. I need a second. Okay… You said that like it was a normal thing, not an out of nowhere insulting accusation.

Robin!Tim (reading the case file): That wasn’t a yes or no answer to his question. Whether you’re offended or not, you should probably give him an actual answer.

Batman glared at Robin as the young hero read the case file. Jim snapped his fingers in front of Batman’s face to bring the focus back to his question.

Jim: You usually vanish when I turn around, but nobody’s leaving this roof until you answer my question. My reaction after that will depend on the answer you give.

Robin!Tim: That's why I like Jim. My dad’s the same way.

Batman: Can you stop saying “dad” in this context?

Robin!Tim: Did I say the wrong thing? My bad… I’m reading this case file, and half listening... why did they take one of the dead guy’s eyes? Only one?

Jim (hurriedly talking): They said he might be linked to a cult. Batman, back to the question.

Batman: What about the one-eyed cult guy? That’s more interesting.

Robin!Tim: Nah, it isn’t. Whenever the occult’s involved, you just know the killer’s some loon. You should answer his question so you don’t look like R. Kelly. In fact, Oracle’s in the tower tonight.

Batman: We don’t—

Jim: Robin, press your earpiece and ask her my question.

Batman: Robin, don’t.

Robin!Tim (pressing the comm): Hey Oracle, Batman and Robin here. Jim Gordon wants to know if you and Batman ever had nasty, disgusting, possibly illegal sex when you were Batgirl.

Batman’s exposed chin turned red with embarrassment as he averted his eyes from his friend. Tim waited anxiously for Oracle’s response, Jim’s jaw clenched tightly, arms crossed to maintain composure.

While Barbara had been responsible as Batgirl, and he had no issue with her dating Nightwing for a while, that was someone close to her age, not Bruce Wayne! Billionaire Bruce Wayne, who he’d found out was Batman a year after telling Barbara he knew she was Batgirl, before she was shot and paralyzed, he might not know everything about Bruce or Batman, but he knew Bruce was close to her age, and Barbara would’ve been about fifteen when she started as Batgirl. Batman isn’t a good partner for his daughter.

Jim: I’m letting you know now, if the answer is yes, God himself won’t be able to hold me back.

Batman: That’s… fair. Robin, what has she said?

Robin!Tim: I’m waiting for her to stop laughing, but her answer seems to lean toward “No.”

Batman pressed his own comm, greeted with the witch-like cackling from Oracle and random words between every other laugh.

Oracle: Me… and him… and ew! ew ew ew ew! That… that… rumor is still around? HAHAHAHA!

Nightwing (in the background, on his own comm): Alright, it’s not that funny!

Robin!Tim: It seems it’s just a rumor, Commissioner, but it’s best if you ask Batman again.

Batman: You’re enjoying this show, I can tell.

Robin!Tim: Yeah, yeah I am.

Jim: That’s why I like him; he’s good at repeating and remembering information. So, did you ever violate my daughter? I won’t— I will shoot you in the balls first.

Robin!Tim: That feels symbolic and makes sense. Batgirl was a teenager when you guys worked together, right?

Batman: Y- Yes.

Robin!Tim (joking): Ooo, that would be like grooming, then? Shoot, pun not intended. Batman, I’m a Nightwing fan, but I respect you and honestly, I hope you didn’t go the R. Kelly route.

Oracle (on comms, cackling more): R. KELLY?! It’s the remix to ignition. Did Batman—

Batman (shouting at Oracle): Okay, Oracle, we get it!

Batman sighed, lowering his voice.

Batman: I did not sleep with her. Robin, you know I wouldn’t be a pervert.

Nightwing (on comm): In that context, you mean?

Batman: Yes, in that context! There’s no context, I’m not a pervert!

Jim: Well…

Robin!Tim: Most people think you’re a furry. No judgment, though. I’m kidding mostly. Jim isn’t as trusting with you.

Jim: It’s not that I don’t trust him; it’s just that my daughter already dated his goofball son. No offense to Nightwing, I adore him, but I wasn’t happy about it.

Robin!Tim: Nightwing, Jim called you a goofball, and it seems he—

Nightwing: Yeah, yeah, I know! I’m logging off the comms for an hour. Nobody drag me into this for that long.

Oracle: I’m still here, eating cheese doodles.

Robin!Tim: Oracle’s listening in. Jim, continue.

Jim: If this grown man in a batsuit I met in his 20s and my Barbara, who was under five, touched my daughter in any sexual way, I don’t care how much time has passed, I will not hesitate to shoot you. And no court would convict me.

Oracle: I wouldn’t blame him there.

Robin!Tim (mid-yawn): Respectful. B, can we buy Arizona tea cans after we leave? I’m thirsty, and some kids at school said it’s really good.

Batman: I’ll think about it. And I’m standing right here. Can I have a second to process this?

Robin!Tim: Damn, pardon my language. You already had two or three. We’re busy heroes. Jim’s a busy man, and I’m thirsty.

Jim: I like you so far, new Robin.

Robin!Tim: Thank you, sir.

Jim: Bruce— Batman... you’re not leaving until I get an answer. I let a lot slide with you and being Batman, I was proud of Batgirl being Batgirl, this isn't okay to me. I remember a janitor at her old high school came on to her. She kicked him in the balls, ran, and told me. I stormed into the school and stomped on his balls before he was arrested and fired. That was just a janitor, you are... someone I like talking to. I need an answer to this.

Batman: Wow… I forget you’re not a TV donut-eating cop. My respect for you has increased.

Batman let out another weary sigh, almost tempted to remove his cowl. He had never had his way with Barbara, that was practically his daughter. He’d walked in on her and Dick once, but that was a mistake. He was into women like Selina or Talia, women he thought could change, women of age, and he’d never cross that line.

He had to handle this question the Batman way, the stoic way. Jim was one of the few people he called a friend, and he didn’t want to betray that trust by walking away or snapping at him. He was Barbara’s father, after all.

Batman (unsure how to react): I… I respect the fact you’d harm someone who harms your daughter. But… this is a lot for me to process. Circling back, you're asking if I ever had sexual relations with Batgirl? The answer—

Robin!Tim (sarcastically, interrupting): Using the actual lie Bill Clinton said isn’t the smartest defense. If it helps, I can hear Oracle laughing in my comms again. That's reassuring... right?

Oracle: Oh God, it’s hurting my ribs! Worth it! HAHAHAHA!

Batman (stammering, defensive): Every sidekick I’ve had is a new headache. I… We… Batgirl and Batman never had sex. We were never romantically involved.

Batman paused, waiting for an apology, but Jim leaned forward slightly with a raised eyebrow.

Batman (voice strained with anger): You want more? I’m not that kind of man. I have morals and standards. Barbara is a kid compared to me. Not that I infantilize her. The truth is, I would never be with her. Even if she were my age, I’d be with Catwoman! I shouldn’t have said her name out loud.

Robin!Tim: We all knew.

Jim (relaxed): Pretty much.

Batman: If that helps my case, then there you go. And how dare you think I’d defile Batgirl! I may be odd, how I solve crimes and talk to people isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but Jim, you’ve known me for over twenty years. You don’t truly think I’d stoop that low for romance?

Oracle: Low? He couldn’t even be with the older version of me.

Robin!Tim: Oracle said-

Batman (covering Robin's mouth): She agrees with me! That is all you needed to be relayed, Jim.

Jim: Hmm, you do seem to be telling the truth. Would you be willing to take a lie detector test?

Batman (flatly): Those are bullshit, and you know it. I’m your… fr-friend! I rarely give people that title, you have to believe me. I'm a good guy.

Robin!Tim: I mean, outside of this, you do present yourself as a bit of a playboy. I don’t blame the commissioner for his suspicion.

Batman (turning Tim around): Robin, step aside and read the damn folder.

Tim shrugged and wandered off, whistling a jazz tune, clearly enjoying researching the case. Batman groaned, covering his eyes in frustration.

Batman (pressing his comm, scolding tone): Who’s been spreading this nonsense? I bet it’s one of the villains sending out that stupid newsletter again.

Jim: Joker was the first one to put the ‘rumor’ in my head.

Batman: Don’t put quotes around “rumor.” You heard from the Joker first? That man would say it’s sunny out when it’s raining. He’s a master at gaslighting. He even managed to ruin a psychiatrist’s life by convincing her that he loved her.

Jim: How’s Harley doing, by the way?

Batman: She’s better, she’s dating Ivy now. It’s a long story. The point is, you can’t trust Joker with anything. I haven’t even figured out what his real name is. But us? We’re friends.

Jim (nodding in agreement): We are.

Batman (on his comms): Batgirl told you something? Oracle, did he interrogate you before tonight? Did you tell him that rumor might be true to mess with me? I said I’d start paying you overtime!

Jim covered his mouth, pretending to sneeze and hide his laughter at Batman's reaction. He was worried his friend had done the deed with his daughter, but his reaction wasn't just reassuring, it was funny.

Barbara: Relax. I’ve been denying all of that. He said he was going to ask you, and I prepared myself for the show. Be glad he talked to me first, and I talked him out of bringing his pistol.

Batman: Oracle, unless his holster has a fake gun he’s showing me, he definitely brought his gun.

Jim: I bought it last week at a gun shop.

Batman: Did you hear that, Oracle? It’s new!

Barbara (surprised, then cackling): Oh… hahahaha! Priceless!

Batman (flatly): She’s reveling in this. I’m going to keep talking to you and ignore her witch cackling. No offense. Go ahead and ask your other questions, I’ll be truthful.

Jim (crossing his arms): Ever kissed her?

Batman (grossed out): No.

Jim: Had a hug that lasted too long?

Barbara (on comms, shivering): I’d kick him in his Richard if he did.

Batman (ignoring Barbara): I haven’t hugged a girlfriend for longer than five minutes. Babs and I have hugged four times, quick and platonic. It’s like if I hugged my student— Shit, that’s not a good example. My daughter!

Robin!Tim (walking past): It’s best if you stick to that analogy, or you’ll be peeing blood, Mr. Saville.

Jim: Ever had sex with her on a roof?

Batman: That was with Catwoman, and she swore to keep that secret!

Jim: I… did not need to know that.

Barbara (squirming): Neither did I!

Batman: Now you do. I’ve never had sex with Batgirl, nor do I see her as anything but a friend. She was in high school when we met, and she always will be that young hero to me. Why is it so hard for people to accept that a man and a woman can be friends?

Jim and Barbara (in unison, her voice coming through the comm): Because we know you, Bruce.

Robin!Tim (walking past): I’ve known the man for about a year, and I’ve learned too much about him.

Batman: Okay, I’m putting a moratorium on calling me that. When I’m Batman, call me Batman. That’s simple. And yes, I have many weird kinks. I’ve had relationships some might call strange—

Robin!Tim (from afar): He’s talking about Talia, Selina, Jillian Maxwell, Phantasm—

Batman (shouting, clapping): WOULD YOU STOP COMMENTATING AND READ THE CASE FILE? Or I’m not buying you that Arizona tea!

Tim sighed, going back to reading the file about a double homicide outside a bar. Jim tilted his head, chuckling at his friend’s reaction, feeling reassured he hadn’t slept with his daughter.

Batman: As I was saying, I’m not… What singer did Robin mention?

Jim: R. Kelly. He also mentioned Jimmy Savile. I'd also add Rolf Harris and the principal from Ferris Bueller.

Batman: That was a teen boy... point is, Jim, I would never hurt you like that. You’re not just my friend, you’re like family.

Jim: Like cousins removed, and you’re the rich cousin who gives us money.

Batman: Pretty much.

Jim: Okay… okay. Sorry for assuming.

Jim extended his hand for a handshake, and Batman accepted.

Batman: Yeah, this is a case where you shouldn’t assume the worst of me.

Barbara (teasing over comms): Aww, Jimmy and Brucie are best friends again!

Batman: Oracle’s happy we handled this like adults.

Robin!Tim (walking past): Glad you guys avoided shooting each other in the balls. Batman has the doctors, but that’s an embarrassing reason to get a bullet remove.

Jim: Thanks for the input, Robin. He’s a strange kid, but funny.

Batman: You don’t work with him. I apologize for my outburst. As a parent myself, I understand your concern.

Jim (nonchalant): Thanks... I can be overprotective of Batgirl. If a man only a few years younger than me was doing that with my daughter, I’d lose it. But you’re one of the few friends I trust, and I wanted your word on this. I’ll believe you, for now. But if it turns out you did something with her, you’ll be shot in the dick and live!

Batman: Oddly enough, I respect that. Thank you for asking first, instead of shooting first.

Jim: Lucky for you, I was going to say the gun accidentally went off if I had to file a report.

Batman (closing his eyes, holding his head): You’d lie like that. We have a strange friendship, but I appreciate you. You’re one of the few adults who doesn’t give me a migraine.

Jim: No prob, buddy.