hauntedliability

[hauntedliability]

What I wish upon you.

Sometimes I wish you’d come back, so I could treat you how you did me.

Because I am unlike the others, and I do wish that on my worst enemy.

I want you to know what it feels like to make yourself small,

To experience the fear elicited by a single phone call.

If anyone in the world deserves that, it’s you.

After what you did to me, and what you put me through.

You ruined my perception of love and security.

You destroyed me from the inside out, then expected my pity.

You scared me to the point where I couldn’t have sex.

I still have the nightmares, the PTSD, the effects of your mess.

I remember your touch after I begged you to leave it.

The way my body would reject, recoil, force me into a fit.

The way I scrambled to the police to try and escape,

Even though I knew they’d simply laugh in my face.

I want to be the one who follows you home,

To hit you, to hurt you, to watch you struggle all alone.

Force you into a pregnancy and life,

Stop you from leaving because “I should suffice”.

I want to watch you scratch the skin from your body,

Only to realise that it won’t eradicate the problems within.

I want to drive so dangerously you beg me, and cry,

Fearing for your life, seeing torment in your eyes.

Watch you slowly start to give up getting away from you,

Because it’s really not worth it, it’s better to give into.

I want to watch you slit your wrists in desperation,

Because these are the things I experienced at the hands of your infatuation.

[hauntedliability]

The Moon Is Very Pretty.

The moon is very pretty tonight.

I see it snuggled with the stars,

Tucked away in isolation, keeping them from mars.

They shine brighter now, the stars.

The moon is to thank for that, it foresaw their distinction

It's endless reflection provided light, once hidden by non fiction

I see the way it changes habits, adapting to their needs

Even shifting to the side, and allowing them to breathe

It's odd you know, to see such a form of purity,

After catastrophic explosions, you'd expect unhealthy insecurity

But the moon wouldn't allow that, not on it's watch

It wipes away the slighest thought before it even leaves a splotch

But this isn't all one sided, the stars hold such admiration

How could something love them so dearly after exposing such information

It's constellation grows, losing secrets, gaining expansion

Every step of the way, forming mutual attraction

Bittersweet reminders, for them to subsist

Co-dependancy is something that would usually be amiss

The moon and the stars, destined to co-exist, but never desined to meet

So how lucky am I to have the privilege of you, when you ensure that i'm complete

The moon is very pretty tonight, now i know what you mean

Even in the silence, "i love you", the stars scream

[hauntedliability]

I want to suffer in private; and ignore you in public.

I wish you would pick who’s side you’re on,

Do you side with my abuser? Is your persona a con?

I wouldn’t really know, I’ve got the treatment of silence.

An action making me THAT mad, it makes me want to commit violence.

But your silence is selective, and comes in gushing waves.

I wish you wouldn’t make me go back through the feelings phase.

You’re supposed to be gone, forever, I think.

Unless it’s a rough day, and you’ve had abit to drink.

Alcohol in your system gives you loose lips,

Confessions that make me want to obliterate floating ships.

To give up stability, to sink to your depths,

Allow you to use me, until you’re ready to be kept.

But everytime, I remember your silence,

It makes me let go of more, and more, compliance.

Alcohol doesn’t give you secrets you deploy,

It makes you mean, and want to destroy.

The “I can have you, but won’t, and no one else can”,

Well, that only makes you less of a man.

So pick up the bottle, and put down your phone,

And stop fucking making me want to leave home.

I don’t want my heart to follow the compliance,

So please, let me be, to suffer secretly, alone in your silence.

[hauntedliability]

A Path Not Meant For You.

I stand there at the station, Stop B on the sign,

Headphones up, head down, scrolling everywhere online.

The ground starts to rumble, the train screams to a halt,

And there you are, by the doors, not a single flaw or fault.

I rush to the doors, squeezing through just in time,

It wasn't even the train i needed, but letting you go would be a crime.

And there i sit, on the seats, eyes meeting, distance keeps.

Pupils begging for your attention, a blatent view of my intention

Stop C, doors open, people pile on,

Your area gets crowded, and you're given an ultimatum,

The seat by me, remains free, and over you come.

"Is this seat taken?" you say with a smirk.

"Well it would be a little weird if i made you stand there and lurk"

You laugh, and sit, and ask me where i'm going,

"Nowhere in particular", i say, "just letting the boat keep on rowing"

We carry conversations, let them flow,

Watching the stops as they come and they go.

Stop D,E,F, all the way to Z,

The end of the line, when you get up, and say there's somewhere you have to be.

And from then on, everyday, i'd get on the train,

The same stop, same time, even though it was a pain.

And every single day, there you were stood,

Waiting for me to board, and this was our tradition, forever, for good.

We'd discuss little facts, the stars, the meaning of life,

Where we want to visit, and the time i chased my sister with a knife.

We'd talk about our past, the fondness, the hurt,

And on the cold days, you'd even pass along your sweatshirts

This was continuous, always the same,

Just like a habit we could never seem to tame.

We exchanged numbers, and started to text.

The idea was expanding, with long lasting effects.

Until one friday night, when you weren't on the train,

Which is odd, really, considering you were there everyday.

But i got on anyway, to continue our tradition,

I didn't even note it as a unit of ammunition.

The next day comes, and this time you're there.

I hop on, skip over, but you seem to just stare.

I sat, kicking my feet, asking him where he was.

At the office, he said, but then his phone starts to buzz,

A girl in the picture, red lace on her skin.

He quickly swipes it off, locking his phone with a pin

"Who was that", i say, and he starts to shout.

"You girls are always the same, you always freak out"

He storms off to the station, up to the top.

I sit there, in disbelief, it wasn't even his stop.

But still i stayed on to the end of the line.

Hoping maybe he'd get back on, and it would just be a moment in time.

He left the train that day, and hasn't rode since.

I texted him a million times, but he's hard to convince.

So there i sit, right where he left me, an open exibition.

The girl on the train, slowly meeting decomposition.

He takes the taxi's now, an easier form of transport.

Acting like we're in some form of divorce court.

I was yours, but you just wanted to compare girls, and swap.

I paved our journey, yet you were simply waiting for your stop.

It took me a while, but i left the carriage.

It was riding me to doom, and it began to discourage.

But i'll sometimes still stand there in the station,

Hoping to see you when you take me off probation.

And eventually i did, and you stood so tall,

One leg cocked out and leaning against the wall.

You motioned to our seats, shrouded in shadows.

But instead, I stood tall, and finally let you go.

[hauntedliability]

The Muse Of My Dreams.

To be a poet's muse, is to be immortalised forever,

Falling for soft spoken tones, and phrases that seem too clever.

Soft, hopeless romantics, searching for the love they write,

Hoping somehow, some way, their idealogies will be brought to life.

The human form of cherry blosson, falling into lakes,

picture perfect beauty, tranquil, you've always had what it takes.

I don't belong here, but my beloved neither do you.

You're too good to be true...

Muses come in many forms, they plague my every breathing minutes.

But you, my love, have always been, and will always be my favourite.

[hauntedliability]

The Visiting Of Greif.

Christmas is a time filled with magic and starlight,

But enjoying it is hard when something just doesn't feel quite right.

Our solar system's disrupted, we're missing key parts.

The sun, that we orbit, seems to exist only within our hearts.

Now the planets keep turning, but without it's centre,

It all feels unbalanced, an endless tormentor.

Although they may be gone, missing in physical form,

They're always here, somewhere, don't be misinformed.

They exist in constellations, dancing among the stars,

Hidden in the darkness, exploring Jupiter and Mars.

They exist through telescopes, when you look for the man on the moon,

But the man has a wife, and they were taken there too soon.

Now it may sound like they're lost in space,

and we are the astronaughts, forever searching for their face.

But every now and then, they visit our earth,

for the extra special moments, like grandaughters giving birth.

They visit in cherry blossoms, and beautiful thunderstorms,

their way to say "i'm here", "don't let your heart be torn".

Their spirits exist in weeping willows, the colours of the leaves,

the robins that regularly visit, the whispers in the breeze.

They visit our bedsides, coaxing insomniacs to sleep,

Holding us tightly when we're crying in a heap.

They hear every "i love you", and echo it back,

They beam with pride for every one of us, and giggle at our wisecracks.

They remain in every little thing, the most beautiful ones you see,

Because you'll never find a purer love than what they gave to you, and me.

[hauntedliability]

Do you think of me?

Spooky season approaching, autumnal breeze free the leaves.

And yet I still wonder if you think about me?

I’m the embodiment of this time, one you “can’t seem to forget”.

But deep down, I know, I’m your biggest regret.

Do you still wish to wander through delapidated trees?

See the pumpkins, haunted houses, marry me, taste spiced tea?

Or has another captured your attention?

One more “normal”, someone you’re able to mention.

Does she enjoy the winter snow?

Magical nights of zero and below?

Does she make you forget with glasses of Merlot?

Autumnal breeze on the horizon, but together we can’t be.

Wherever you are, I hope you think fondly of me.

[hauntedliability]

Accountability from my 20 year old self.

He didn't put his hands on me.

Just went through my phone, complaining about my messages to male friends where I’d moan.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But guilt tripped me into the situation, he chose to sleep with me, then claimed I was his exes imitation.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But when he would game, I had to be ignored, the slightest interruption resulted in emotional pain.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But wouldn't touch me 'till I showered, my pleasure didn't matter, he was really such a coward.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But he didn't like my friends, they had “other intentions”, and I made his "boundaries" bend.

He didn't put his hands on me

But he would excessively call, and when I didn't answer it felt like being hit by a brick wall.

He didn't put his hands on me

But everything came at a price, like he had an expectation for simply doing something nice.

He didn’t put his hands on me.

Just wanted me pregnant at nineteen, he knows I never wanted kids, he demanded, I couldn’t intervene.

He didn’t put his hands on me.

Ever, if at all, until I withheld my consent, then he wanted sex and hugs galore.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But would throw dog toys at my head, when I’d get upset from pain, he'd turn over and go to bed.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But recorded me without consent, for his own safekeeping, supposedly, no knowledge if it had been sent.

He did put his hands on me.

When he yanked me back in the car, locked doors, no escape, so i couldn't get far.

He didn't put his hands on me

But blocked the door to escape, it wasn't a valid exit because “it's not like it was rape”.

He didn't put his hands on me

But wouldn't leave me alone, endless texts, spiking blame, terrified of my phone.

He didn't put his hands on me

But turned up to my house, threatening when i didn't go, vindictive little mouse.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But even when i took him to court, couldn't obey his bail conditions, even though he'd been caught.

He didn't lay his hands on me

But called the police on my post, still furthering his abuse, that's what hurt the most.

He didn't lay his hands on me.

Simply targeted my mind, leaving scars the naked eye couldn’t even begin to find.

He didn't fully lay his hands on me. Because he didn't get the chance.

If I’d stayed much longer, we'd be doing a much different dance.

[hauntedliability]

Justification from my 18-year-old self.

He didn't put his hands on me.

But he did go through my phone, he just wanted to see my male friends and assess their tone

He didn't put his hands on me.

Though, i wasn't ready to commit, but he hated sleeping with random girls, I didn't want his comfortability hit

He didn't put his hands on me.

He'd ignore me when he'd game, but i was a big distraction and my excitement was hard to tame

He didn't put his hands on me.

I'd always have to shower, so when he'd occasionally go down on me, I’d smell like fresh flowers.

He didn't put his hands on me.

He wasn't fond of some friends, but he's working in my best interest, and it’s unfair to make his boundaries bend

He didn't put his hands on me

He'd call me all the time, I’d always have to answer, it's so he knows that I’m fine

He didn't put his hands on me

I'd always do little tasks, it was only fair since he did do that one little thing that i asked

He didn’t put his hands on me.

But he did want a family, I didn’t want kids, but I suppose it wouldn’t kill me

He didn’t put his hands on me.

Not really at all, but he wasn’t a touchy person, his cravings came when my consent would crawl

He didn't put his hands on me.

He'd sometimes throw things at me, he didn't know it hurt though, he simply disagreed

He didn't put his hands on me.

He did record me during sex, i didn't know, but he did it for me, so why should i get vexxed?

He didn't put his hands on me

He didn't want me to leave because of the tape, i suppose it was silly, it's not like it was rape

He did lightly put his hands on me.

Just pulled me back in the car, locked doors, no way out, so he could fix my emotional scars

He didn't put his hands on me

He couldn't leave me alone, me leaving drove him crazy, he had to blow up my phone

He didn't put his hands on me

He did turn up to my house, but he just wanted to talk, and i'd been as quiet as a mouse

He didn't put his hands on me.

Even when it went to court, it was unfair for me to do, they were such strong feelings that he'd caught

He didn't put his hands on me

But called the police on my post, it wasn't uncalled for, it could ruin his life the most

He didn't put his hands on me.

It was only in my head, I guess I started to overthink and I saw pure red

He didn't put his hands on me. So it's all okay.

I should be thankful that he loved me in his own fucked up way…

[hauntedliability]

Experience And Growth.

Sometimes I wish I never met you, that’s not hard to say.

Because you almost always couldn’t be bothered to give me the time of day.

I was a trophy wife to you, another tick off the list.

Of the neverending loop of girls you traumatised. Starting with a kiss.

One you got to show on your arm, “look how stunning my girlfriend is”.

Not allowing me to tell the harm that had succumb to my wrist.

A shining jewel in mini skirts, tattooed and make up.

And yet, one you couldn’t satisfy with a single fuck.

You got off on imbalance of financials and power.

The non consensual video you used to push me and cower.

But not even that could do it, you uncaged your psycho, your freak.

Because you can’t enjoy women unless they’re assaulted and weak.

Pathetic, I’d say. That’s what your actions are.

But of course it was my fault because I’d always “take it too far”.

But even now, still, after the way you altered my brain.

I only sometimes wish I hadn’t met you when you came.

You showed me what I didn’t want, I survived through your abuse.

I learned the blissful feeling of finally learning to cut loose.

I learned the unconditional love of those who “caused” you to worry.

And how it really isn’t necessary to be pushed into a hurry.

I learned the lack of romantic intentions from those you demonised.

And the difference of platonic love you see in others eyes.

I noticed the way my tattoos attract more female attention.

But not in a bad way, a nice conversation starter they’d mention.

The importance of strangers compliments, their stares and concern.

How essential it is to listen when stories would make your stomach churn.

An intuition always knows, it can see through the lies.

It’s imperative to trust it when it considers cutting ties.

The point is, there’s more to life than a narcissist’s fabricated reality.

The earlier you get out, the less likely there is of casualty.

I sit from afar and deal with the way I had to suffer.

Because one day the world will burn, along with those abusive motherfuckers.

[hauntedliability]

Life Defining.

You’re not who I thought you were, and that’s entirely my fault.

I romanticised you to a point where reality came to a halt.

I saw the lantern, shrouded in darkness, followed it to the pier.

Took a breath, dived in deep, ignoring signs “don’t swim here”.

A risk of drowning it says, it doesn’t matter who.

But I was okay to drown, if I was doing it with you.

What a mistake it was, to jump in without the jacket.

No life saving method, when your hand stopped me from making a racket.

That was always your plan, to coax me, then let me sink.

Only for the hopes that I would stay to fill your missing link.

You wanted a family woman, but I couldn’t be too close to mine.

And god forbid if I even stepped a single toe out of line.

You wanted me untouched, not tainted by another.

Even though you weren’t the same, but I couldn’t blow your cover.

You wanted me to have children, but you knew I never would.

You tried to convince me anyways, “I know, but you could”

Stay at home, look after the house, don’t go out with friends.

Stay in isolation, I’ll ensure your friendships come to an end.

But that didn’t work out for you, did it?

It was me that took the hit.

My self esteem, my loyalty, to make me “the perfect fit”.

I remember it clear as day, heading to the station.

Having to relay your betrayal, trauma formong retaliation.

The looks in their eyes, riddled with pity.

My soul completely tarnished, victim blaming city.

My family don’t believe me, you know?

Do you know how crushing that is?

For your own cherished blood to not believe their next of kin?

It’s fine though, whatever, I’m not completely alone.

The boy you weren’t fond of, tends to feel like home.

[hauntedliability]

Disease.

I hope it burns.

The thought of me.

I hope the feeling resides in your throat, moving up into your oesophagus.

I know how much you hates throwing up.

But it would satisfy me to know you felt the fear you caused me.

You are the human form of cancer, growing like a parasite.

Effecting unsuspecting victims, holding their minds hostage.

Subjecting themselves to harmful methods to rid themselves of traces of you.

You are flesh eating bacteria.

Gnawing at their self esteem, infesting them with trauma.

Rendering them useless, moulding them to your misogynistic ideology.

You are a cockroach, scouring round the floor.

They say a cockroach can live 9 days without their head, but you prove that fact wrong.

You’ve been scurrying round much longer, without your head screwed on.

You are all these things, and more. But I am worse.

For I am your victim, known for evermore.

[hauntedliability]

Friends We Remain

Friends we remain, you said.

The type of friends that confide, the ones who enjoy their time

But where on earth do i draw the line?

Do i dismiss your compliments, and the way you speak

Even though your words make me incredibly weak

I'll never admit of course, because friends we remain

But why is it you i picture, when i think of dancing in the rain?

You say our energies are compatible, that your lust is strong

You tell me you're drawn to me, that i could be the one

I'm soft, unique, intoxicating

I make it so hard to concentrate

Maybe so much that it makes you hold a little hate

But, friends we remain

I'm spoken for, you say

But can i elaborate, talk, explain myself. If i may?

What if i told you i felt the same?

My thoughts run wild, and they can't be tamed

Could you handle that? Let it roam free?

If i showed up, would you open the door and invite me in for tea?

Would you look at me pitiful, and turn me away

"you shouldn't have come", this needs to decay

Would you take me to the garden, to look at your stars

Allowing them to see the creation, it's their fault not ours

Would you touch my soul, hold me close

Tell me pretty things, see where it flows

If you showed up at my wedding, would you make me faulter?

Make me reconsider, and run from the alter

Watching my exclamations bend, morph and twist

Seeing question marks replacing them, certainty turns to mist

When you're around, nothing remains clear

I know i hold things back out of fear

Hoping somehow i could find a way

That would keep you around, make you want to stay

But nothing lasts forever, right?

We can't live our lives on "maybes" and "mights"

I'll miss our talks, and i'll miss the flirt

But friends we remain...

Even if it hurts.

[hauntedliability]

Dive Into Reality.

I couldn't let you stay, i know it wasn't practical

Although i won't deny that your aura was magical

The way you made me feel was dangerous to see,

I started to do things that really were not me.

i'd jeprodise my dignity, hoping we'd aligned,

But you knew, deep down, you'd never handle being confined.

I was yours, but you weren't mine,

Soon enough, it came the time.

To get off the train, and leave the station,

And i'm right where you left me, still in contemplation.

I broke my own heart, you were too polite to do it,

But sometimes, i like to fantasise that maybe we were a perfect fit.