imjustcoping

[imjustcoping]

this user has an ED but supports and encourages recovery

[imjustcoping]

My rules

1. Always add a calorie buffer so you never accidentally under count. This is because food nutrition labels can legally be out by 20%.

2. All drinks are okay under 40 calories.

3. No snacks after dinner.

4. Never finish a meal, always leave some food behind on your plate.

5. Do not eat before 10am or after 8pm. This guarantees at least 14 hours of fasting per day.

6. Stay busy and move around, or sleep. No eating when bored, no emotional eating.

7. When eating out at a restaurant choose something vegetarian.

8. Daily exercise minimum: 100 squats, 100 sit-ups, 100 leg lifts per side

9. Start the day with caffeine

10. Procrastinate bingeing with “if I still want it I can have it tomorrow”

[imjustcoping]

How I got my binging under control!!

Been binge free for over 6 weeks:)

-when I crave something sweet I eat something sweet but something that is very low in calories (unter 150cal)

-I drink sparkling stuff until my belly feel so full it feels like I’ll explode

-I sometimes eat when I’m fasting but only under 30cals!!!!!!!!!!!! Like 2 pickles so I won’t feel too hungry:)

-but I think the biggest help comes from my medication it makes my appetite go away for like 4 hours (Ritalin)

-I always try to distract myself especially at night I’ll make a list of distractions later:*

-sometimes I lock myself in my room and even tho I have the key and could get out anytime it still stops me In some way

-I sleep or go for a walk

-watching triggering stuff

-eating in front of a mirror

-I eat something that tastes absolutely disgusting so I won’t feel like eating for a while

-i brush my teeth

-I smoke a cig

[imjustcoping]

🌙

[imjustcoping]

As of late

[imjustcoping]

Convo between me and my dad

Dad: I hope rhis doesn't make you uncomfortable

Me: okay? *stomach dropping, I know this tome is always used around me and my depression shit*

Dad: I noticed you wearing long sleeves a lot and I know you have scars on your arms but I dont mind if you wear ahora sleeves around the house, if thats what you are comfortable with

Fuck man I thought I hid it so well

This shit is so bad

[imjustcoping]

21/10/22

i get the feeling my best friend doesn't believe in non binary.  A while ago she said that she didn't believe it was a a thing.  she literally called it a phase because she didn't know any adult that were non binary who used they/them in their pronouns.  Which i find silly because she is a pansexual girl who should understand the stigma that gay people faced and still face.  After years of being told that being gay isn't real and that its just a phase and she says that.  and she doesn't really view trans people as people- she says its because her dad is a doctor and he finds it really difficult to diagnose trans patients when he doenst know what they are.  Its so fucking stupid he could legit just ask if they were afab or amab but it should already be in their medical history.  i fucking hate it.  I also sent before and after picture of me wearing a binder and i was so happy.  In the GC T congratulated me and gave me a shit ton of affirmations and it made me feel so genuinely good.  but S just ignored it.  I know we are drifting apart and i know its my fault because this always happens.  after 5 years they go, they just disappear into the mist, a new school, new friends, or im too much

And last night i was doing an assignment on 2 separate books.  Aftter i finished the first one i went on tiktok and of course a bunch of relatable autism stuff starts coming up and a vid about the raads-r test comes up.  so i do teh test and  get high scores and i do a bunch more of those tests and keep getting high scores in them.. In my 3am haze i sent the quiz to my family gc because im almost positive that my dad has autism.  But he had a partially open discussion about it with me the next morning, to  be continued for when i wasnt late for school.  when i finally gathered up the courage to tell my bsf from before that day that i scored high in these autism tests and i was kind of excited to maybe understand why im like this, because ive been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.  ad autism can often be misdiagnosed for those two mental illnesses if you have been kind of traumatized as an autistic person. She told me that it probably isnt it.  She old me that sh doesn't trust those autism tests and that i shouldnt just self diagnose and that the depression and anxiety is whats making me think that.  It felt liek shit.  becsue tehre is a lot of evidence towards me being autistic, alongside the teste there s also a bunch of symptoms and there is a link between autism and asexuality(im asexual) where in a population of people there is about 1% asexuals but in the autistic populations they were far more likely to be asexual or feel disgusted toward sexual penetration.  

I know that i cant just self diagnose but im trying to figure out whats wrong with me and its not like im about to go around telling everyone im autistic becasue ive self diagnosed my depression and anxiety for years and have only told like three people, and even now that ive been diagnosed i haven't told anyone else.  Im not doing this because its trendy, the trend has just made me aware of how many autistic traits i carry around with me.  i was just finally happy that maybe im getting somewhere with figuring out my mental health.

I think im gonna tell my other friend from that group chat.  she is so supportive and has suspicions that she is autisic too. So im going to send her a message, with a forewarning.  I just want to talk to someone who is actually going to listen about what i have to say before throwing her opinion in.  And the pure confusion i have relation to my inability to express and know what emotions im feeling, she knows i have trouble with expressing my emotions and talking about how i feel but she doesnt seem to realise the impact on me

The dumb part about my friend telling me not to self diagnose is that she has been telling EVERYONE that she has ADHD for 2 years, she even told us in a group convo when she was accusing someone else of being a pick me for pretending to have adhd, someone pointed oout to my frined that she kind of mentioned having adhd a lot aswell and my friend tells everyone that her therapist diagnosed her.  she lied to us and Up until now she didnt say she didnt have adhd until shes trying to prove me wrong.  She basically said that she cant say she has adhd just because she gets easily distracted.  

I had fully supported her, when she claimed she had adhd, i believed her and did my won research, sending her videos which are supposed to help learning in a nuerotypical classroom easier.  and all she does is tell me that those tests arent reliable.  AT LEAST I ACTUALLY TOOK SOME TESTS INSTEAD OF PROPERLY SELF DIAGNOSING FOR YEARS AND BRAGGING ABOUT ADHD AND USING IT AS AN EXCUSE TO INTERRUPT AND IGNORE PEOPLE.AND T

[imjustcoping]

Give me a trans superhero who’s on testosterone but wears a binder and he has to realise that the risk of injuring himself for the sake of wearing it isn’t safe for him and it prevents him from saving people so he doesn’t wear it when he fights but is really self conscious about it because of his tight suit so tries to avoid the public eye and becomes really reclusive but then gets top surgery and goes through his recovery period and people are like “where is this guy?” and he then comes back into action to defeat the bbeg as an even happier and prouder person who’s so certain of their capabilities as a superhero and identity and his suit gets ripped in the final fight and you can see the scars amongst all the others he’s gotten from fighting and all his superhero friends are so dang proud of him.

[imjustcoping]

things that give me gender euphoria/help w dysphoria bc it was rare but the list is getting bigger!!!

to keep track bc i have no brain

mens deodorant (its stupidly gendered but makes me feel like a dude idfk)

MY BINDER !!!! <33

pullover sweaters

being called “dude” (its so casual like hhngh yes)

metal rings

little half ponytails! (idc if thats traditionally femme!)

cuffing sleeves/long pants

checkered pyjama pants

all afabs and transmascs feel free to reblog and share yours!!

i wanna see what makes y’all euphoric!! >:D

[imjustcoping]

Did any of you other people who bind realsie how nice it is to cross your arms over your chest. I've never felt so gender until I crossed my arms

[imjustcoping]

The fucking gender euphoria I have right now

Before and after wearing a binder

[imjustcoping]

This morning mum was talking about migraines, and she said that that's the reason I took all the pills. She tried to explain away my mental illness with a headache.

[imjustcoping]

🌙

[imjustcoping]

17/08 i need a new name, my current one doesn’t fit who i am and i’m gender queer or non binary, im a wee bit confused at the moment. so i need one that fits me. i was thinking of these ones but i need some help Alder, Aster, Neale, Wallace, Nikos/nick, Soren

[imjustcoping]

TW- mentions of sh and unaliving

ive been having a really shitty day.  I woke up just exhausted, got outta bed to do my push ups and sit ups and i just lay on the floor for 10 minutes trying to motivate myself before school.  Then we ran out of coffee so i couldnt take one with me, and getting changed was really shitty becasue i had to see my refletion and all my cuts in the mirror.  And they keep catching on my clothes and leaving stains on my white shirts.  im too tired to deal with it.  Then at school, everyone kept demanding my attention and i just couldnt deal with it.  i couldnt find my headphones to block out the noise and for the whole day i kept realising over and over again how im doing so much worse than i ever have before.  Normally my self destructive thoughts stay in a box, they are linear and they include one of a fw things, slef harm with a razor, hitting something with clenched fists or blasting music to kill my thoughts, even sometimes i think about unaliving and how i hated it that my last attempt didnt work.  but yesterday i was walking past a glass display case to one of my classes and i almost rammed my head sideways into the glass.  i was walking and the image of me doing it just stuck into my vision and i was so close to following through but the moment passed but i havent been able to stop thinking about it.  it was horrible and violent and honestly ive been starting to get more and more thoughts f suicide again.  They just keep hitting me when i dont expect it and then for the rest of teh day im forced into a state of survival.  waking up in the mornings is almost a hit and miss, im always this close to giving up and just lying there.  

Its worse than last year and that scares me becasue i dont want it to get as bad as last year but i know that its already worse.   have mock exams in 2 weeks, and i havent studied, i have several internals due and no time to do them becasue im too drained to process the words.  this morning my best friend greeted me by saying hi fat bitch.  it really hurt and i was already exhausted and she didnt know that though and she said something and i literally shook her.  i grabbed her by the shoulder and shook her.  i didnt know what i was doing but she just stood there and looked at me as i shook her god i hated myself for it.  it made no sense, she did nothing wrong, i had no right to do that and i feel so stupid.  today has just been a whole fucking daze of me trying not to break down and trying not to go to the bathrooms to cut myself. fuck i hate it here, i hate this life, i hate these parents, i hate this body

17/08/22 7:53pm   -Alder/aster/wallace / neale

p.s pls help im trying to figure out my new name and i want some input

[imjustcoping]

I dont have to worry about leaving my cat anymore

[imjustcoping]

Hold the fuckinh phone

I should've known I was nuerodjcergent, when i was little I would have full on tantrums before school while putting shoes on because the socks line thing at the front felt wrong on my feet, and I wouldn't wear scarfs or wool jumpers because they were too itchy and I hated stuff touching my neck

And also my pain tolerance is wacky, I burnt my eardrum and had an ear infection in both ears and I just went on with life

Also the social anxiety but that's for another day