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Time: Why would I fuck a demon? Simple; the status. Imagine you and your friends arriving at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon. Legendary. Damian: It’s 3am. What the fuck. Jason: No- Jason: Continue. You have a point.

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James: Anything you say in the next 30 seconds is free, starting now. Lily: I think you're cocky, arrogant, bossy, and pushy. You also have a God complex. You never think about anybody but your damn self. James: But... Lily: I have 22 more seconds. I'm not done.

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Sirius: Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.

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Jason, getting pulled over: I'm colourblind. I couldn't tell that the light was red!

The cop: Ok, but you stole this car

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[Harry high on anesthesia after getting his wisdom teeth removed]

Harry: Jesus Christ on a stick, this mirror makes me look hideous. Am I really that ugly, 'Mione?

Hermione:

Hermione: That is a window, not a mirror. And what you are looking at is Draco, not your reflection.

Harry, extremely relieved: Oh thank Godric!

*Draco on the other-side of the window looking mortally offended*

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*kicks your pp* HAHA LOSER DRARRY IS SUPERIOR FUCK YOU

Uh, you’re entitled to your own opinion?

Wtf???

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Harry: Can you tuck me in?

Hermione: You handed me a shovel?

Harry: Yeah, just spread the dirt over me as evenly as possible.

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Draco, nervously laughing: Goodbyes are so awkward, like do I go in for a kiss or a hug or what-

Delivery man, who is delivering a pizza:  Sir, please just take your food.

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Dick: Babs, can you do something for me?

Barbara: You're my boyfriend, my best friend. I would literally cover up a murder for you, plant my DNA at the scene, and take the blame for the crime.

Dick: Can you do the dishes?

Barbara: No.

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Peter: Thank you for doing this. I know it’s a risky procedure and you could lose your medical license if it goes wrong.

MJ: Oh, don’t worry! I don’t have a medical license for them to revoke!

Peter:

Peter: Wait-

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Jason, upon first meeting the newbies: You really think you're ready to be a hero? I once used defibrillators on myself. I've pulled shards of glass from my fucking eye. I've jumped from a high-rise building using only a raincoat as a parachute and broke both legs upon landing-I still had to pretend I was in a fucking Cirque du Soleil show! I've swallowed enough microchips and shit them back out again to make a computer. This arm has been ripped off completely and re-attached with this fucking arm.

Tim: I don't know that that's possible... I mean medically...

Jason: During the threat of an assassination attempt, I appeared convincingly in front of congress as Barack Obama.

Duke, Tim: 

Jason: I watched the woman I love get tossed from a plane and hit by another plane mid-air. I drove a car off a freeway on top of a train while I was on fire. Not the car. I was on fire.

Duke: Jesus, you're intense.

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Dick: Just trust your gut!

Tim: Pal, I have anxiety, my gut is literally always telling me to abort mission.

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Satan: Welcome to Hell, you've wasted your entire, miserable life.

Jason: Says the grown-ass dude who still lives in his dad's basement!

Satan, crying: Go to here, you jerk!

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Reblog if you want your followers to tell you which fictional character you remind them of.

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Peter: You can't say "But I'm ace" whenever someone tries to point out your mistakes.

MJ:

Peter:

MJ: But I'm ace.

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Ned: You’re such a filthy liar! A backstabber! How could you?!

Peter: Please, I’m sorry! I really am!

Ned: Save it. I don’t wanna hear it.

Aunt May: ...Alright so no more UNO for you two.

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Mrs. Weasley: Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Fred: You told me to Satanize the house.

Mrs. Weasley:

Mrs. Weasley: I said Sanitize.