kaorimiyazonotl

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

Final

“Mrs. Davila, here these were left from your husband’s car” A letter, your necklace, and a car key. I got your clothes after along with your shoes. I held everything close, I could still smell the scent of you, it buried in your work shirt. I clung to it, hearing my soul shatter, and my eyes swelling again.

I kissed you one last time whispering to your ear, “I’ll never forget you, I love you with my whole heart.”

After a month of emotional outburst, I broke things, threw them, and screamed inside our house, inside an empty house. It was hard because the house for us both was new, after we got married, we searched for a home together. But this house. I destroyed it too the ground, I threw your tool box from the garage across the kitchen, I threw picture frames across the living room, I broke the marble island with a bat crying and screaming. I swung the bat breaking lamps, furniture, practically everything and anything I wanted to destroy.

But I never touched everything else, our room, our treasure room of things you and I collected. I kept it as it was, I put the letter there as well and the car key. My mom, helped me clean, your dad even came to stop by. They wanted to help me, they saw I was breaking, saw how deeply damaged I was by loosing you.

After three months, I fixed the house, had the funeral, got B repaired, but I finally opened the letter, Bebe.

            Happy Anniversary to My beautiful Wife of Four whole years. I didn’t know what the fuck to write because you know I kind of suck at writing things for you. But it’s for you and I want to make you happy. This is just the beginning baby, I’m ready to face the next stages of life with you.

            I got you a new car, your dream car actually. I wanted it to be a good anniversary present aside with spoiling you later on tonight 😉 Also I’m going to take you on a trip to Japan as another anniversary present. The tickets are in the treasure room, on my desk, in my calendar book.

            Presents aside, it doesn’t matter that I’m doing good at Kira Autos and making such good money we could go on vacation for a month. I love you Violet, you deserve the world and that’s what I want to give you, a world where I can see you smile, a world with a mini me, and a world where I can protect you.

            You are my everything and truly are the most beautiful wife I married. I am so lucky. You’re perfect, my missing piece.

Love James Davila

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

“Violet, you are everything, my world, my missing piece. I know we have our moments but each day that passes it’s just another reminder for me that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without you. I love you Violet, I love you more than you think, I promise to be the husband for you and make you happy”

“James, you came into my life unexpectedly, I felt like I knew what I wanted and you changed that. You turned my life upside down and it’s been for the better, I love you so much and I want to make you happy. Thank you for everything, I can’t wait to make more memories with you.”

How can I go forward now? How can I try living without you? We were married for only three years Jame. I want you here with me. It’s hard and it’s breaking me knowing how I lost you. I can’t move on Bebe, it hurts too. I’m trying to cope with the accident.

Just a night before our wedding anniversary, it was about to mark four years together. You were running late, caught up with work, and you took the Camaro. Even though you fixed B I was worried of you taking the car too soon and you getting into an accident.

I think I jinxed it, I feel like it’s my fault to blame because I spoke too soon about it. At 10:30pm

“Is this Mrs. Davila”

“Yes, this is her”

“Can you come to Hillcrest Medical, your husband was in a car accident”

I was told you suffered fuckin traumatic brain injury and internal bleeding in your lungs and heart. I got there too late when you were immediately put onto life support. I called my mom right away, she had told me that once you were put on life support, your body loses that ability or recovering itself.

I called your dad; I asked him to go too Mission Valley Towing to get B. She was totaled in the front, your dad told me, he and your brother were going to take it back to our house. I didn’t want to think, to be honest I didn’t want to keep her after that.

“Baby, please, please wake up. We’re not done yet. You can’t leave me; we haven’t even started.”

Holding your hand, watching your heart and breathing on the monitors, I was numb. Your hands were cold, your skin was pale, a breathing tube down your throat, and your eyes staying closed. I tried to stay hopeful and faithful.

“Violet, he’s gone” my mom said

“No, he’s still fighting, he promised to spend the rest of his life with me, we’re supposed to grow old, have children…he…he can’t leave me.” I say, sobbing holding your hand and feeling a tsunami build up through my eyes, and needles poking my throat.

It was the morning of our wedding anniversary, and I was still. The doctors had me sign to turn off the machines. The accident hurt you badly, and they came to your aid too late. I’m sorry, my love, I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to let you go. What should’ve been four years together was just three years together and one year losing you.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

Part 2a

After the proposal we both decided that planning a Halloween party would be the best thing to breaking the news to our friends and family. But it was a chaotic moment. You and your dad got into an argument because he was having problems with the insurance and because he was being stubborn, he didn’t go. Even though my parents went, my dad was starting problems, saying that he wasn’t going to help my mom pay for my dress. And my mom told him off about it. I tried not to think about it, just how hectic it was in general.

Then you said, “dance with me” taking my hand in a gentlemanly way and we just started slow dancing to “Slow Dancing in the Dark” by Joji. By ourselves after everyone had left.

“Don’t worry about what your dad says, your perfect in every way my love. We’ll figure out to pay for your dress.”

“Thank you” I whispered.

November, thinking every possible way to do something for your birthday, to be bigger than the last but every time, you always said, “Doing something small for my birthday is enough”. So, holding myself back from going above and beyond, I did my best. Your birthday fell on a Friday, so I bought pizza, brought out the comfy blankets, and had them all placed in our bedroom.

“Baby, I’m home”

“I’m in the room”

You walked in, surprised seeing balloons hanging, pizza out on the bed, blankets out, and one mountain dew and a sprite on the night stand. And Transformers on the screen being ready to press play. Also, with very big yellow balloons saying ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’. Having the biggest smile on your face appear made me just as happy. It was a reminder that it’s the little things that matter in our relationship and what’s up ahead moving forward. Then came our wedding day. We set it in February, didn’t want to wait any long especially since we had been so busy with work during the holidays, seeing family and friends before and after them.

Do you remember the date and time? It was February 20th, falling on a Saturday, prehistoric times, the night before, you stayed at your brothers and I stayed at my mom’s. When I told you the first time that I was nervous, anxious, and scared, I meant it, even still. I can explain it again and again. I wanted to be the perfect ‘wife’ for you, a mother even, and also happy for myself.

Then there just exactly at two o’clock, I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle since she had been there the most, times when dad and I fought, and when we’d have minor arguments together and sometimes, I’d feel scared like you’d leave me because of it. Or when I felt like my friends didn’t think you were good enough for me when I just wanted them to trust me.

But in that moment, for what felt like hours, no one mattered Bebe, fuckin no one mattered. I tried to hold back my tears, and I saw you crying a bit as well; we were both just as emotional, my love.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

The server asked if we wanted any desert, “There’s mango pudding or Coco Ice cream, which one Bebe.”

“What’s the Coco Ice Cream?”

The server explained that we had a choice between vanilla or green tea ice cream and it was topped with coconut sauce. Before the server came back, I heard the loud bang of drums and a sparkler going off, then the singing of ‘Happy Birthday’ coming to our table. I was excited and so happy. While the dinner was enjoyable it was what happened next after dinner. Do you remember my love?

Thinking that it was going to be the end of the night, we took a detour. We stopped at De Anza Cove Park; I was telling you how I had to talk to the cover designer for “Do Tell”. And then you were telling me about your meeting with Angel Cars, they wanted to ship their newest design and get the parts from the company. Then right there, walking along the beach.

“What are you doing James?”

“Violet, I’ve never been more complete with you coming into my life. You’ve changed me, stayed with me. I’ve watched you work your ass off at Miko and every day I am forever grateful. So will you, Violet May Sinclair do the honors of spending the rest of your life with me and marry me?”

I started crying during your speech and as you got down on one knee. It was an immediate yes and it was one of the best birthdays presents to remember at twenty-five. We had been together for four years and just it happened. You stayed with me during my most vulnerable and memorable moments my love. Meeting your dad scared me a little but I wanted to be accepted by your family.

When I introduced you to my family after five months of the relationship, I was nervous for you. My mom almost did a background check on you, I had to stop her from doing it. My dad, wasn’t much of the problem he just wanted to know if you were going to protect me no matter what. And then we moved in together a month later. Everyone thought to wait a bit but, we were like, “Nah.”

I won’t go into more details when we get home, my love, you already know. It was still one of my best birthdays I can’t forget. Before it was something happy, looking at it now, it makes me sad and just reminds me how much you meant to me. How could I have known? Then it was our big Halloween party.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

Part 1a

Then came my birthday, I was coming home from work. It was one of the longest days because Carla and Beth wanted to take me out for lunch for my birthday, we got an hour. For Miko Publishing, we had just gotten new manuscripts for Misa and Cleo’s collab book, “Do Tell”. At the time, I was just an editor and Karla was chief editor but she was going to be transferring to Miko Publishing in Michigan.  I got pulled to Panera for lunch, the girls ended up paying for me and got me Starbucks gift cards and new books from Barns and Noble. But as I came home from my long day, there you were standing at the front door, with a bouquet of chocolate covered strawberries from Edible Arrangements. I ended up bursting into tears because of the number of emotions I was feeling.

“Aww, baby. What the hell”

“For you, happy birthday beautiful.”

Told me to get dressed and we were going to go out. Knowing me for so many years, surprises were and are still my favorite. We ate at Tsuruhashi Japanese BBQ, it was our first time, we thought it be like any other Japanese Barbeque but it was so much different, the cook did cool fire tricks with the oil and egg. I know you know what I’m taking about because I suck at explaining it. But anyway, we started off with Kubota Sake and water. It was smooth and rich which was rare for us when we’d order Sake.

Restaurants that serve Sake in San Diego are something else, too strong or too bitter. But do you remember that one time we had one and it was so strong I got buzzed really quick. It was a funny feeling because I almost tripped going down the stairs to the parking lot of the restaurant.

At Tsururhashi, definitely top tier. We did house salad, Wagyu Sirloin, Kobe Skirt, and Kobe Cube Cut. I couldn’t cook at the time because I had almost burned our food the first time when we barely moved in together. I didn’t set a timer for the pork chops. I wanted to cry when you came home finding me, opening all the windows because the smoke detector went off.

You’re a natural cook, my love, and I still miss it to this day. Though the meats had particular set times, I was still in awe of your cooking skills. It was delicious. The flavor and sauce that the Cube was marinated in sent me to heaven. The Sirloin smelled good coming off the grill. I wanted more of that one because it was that damn good.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

My Missing Piece

I try picturing in my head that you’re still here. How long has it been since the crash? I don’t keep track of time anymore; it just hurts to remember that our wedding anniversary and your anniversary are just reminders.

June 25th, 2028. It was a business trip; you were going to expand your company to the European side. You were so happy, telling me the good news, Kira Autos got back to you. The meeting was set in a week.

“What do you mean in a week? So, you’re missing our anniversary?” I asked with worry

“I know my love, but this is going to be huge. This could be worth it; finally build a car that’s not just a piece of equipment.”

Sometimes I’d thought you were speaking to me in tongues, I tried understanding as much as possible. But when I didn’t understand, you always told me, “Don’t worry, it’s okay” and then kiss me on my forehead.

Do you know even now I can’t tell the difference between a 1971 Plymouth GTX and a 1970 Buick GSX, to me it kind of looks similar but I know you would be giving me such a passionate speech, I’d just stay quiet in awe.

When you told me about the RX-7, you didn’t tell me that getting it fixed would be such a hassle. A stick shift vehicle at that, but I’m learning for you.

It was Fourth of July week; you finally found a 1996 Mazda RX-7. You didn’t tell me how you got it; it needed repairs and was a stick shift. Even if I didn’t know much, I loved watching you work on something you were passionate about. It was just the many things I love about you.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

I wanna be alone, but at the same time I don't. I feel like I'm back at my old self with that saying.

I wanna be alone because I don't want to meet anyone new. It's disappointing but it's better to be alone.

I wanna be alone to build up that wall again. I wanna be alone because I'm not ready for anything new.

I wanna be alone because I still miss you. Part of me waits while I push that down. But it's true.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

Solitude

Olivia said, “Don’t be happier”. I try finding the color blue. I try finding the color yellow. I even try searching when I’m not supposed to. How much longer? I want to know your point of view, I want to know the answer to what goes on inside my head. Billie said, “Things fall apart and time breaks your heart”. I just want to see you again; four months can compare to an eternity. The distance, the disappearing, and the reminders, I don’t want to be alone. I know it’s temporary. But Billie also said, “I loved you, and I still do…I waited and waited.” It’s different knowing that I was too late.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

Have you thought about selling your body pics?

Whose asking

[kaorimiyazonotl]

Idk what to feel knowing that your not here anymore than just feeling the pain...I love you anyway

[kaorimiyazonotl]

Write What?

When you're trying to process and think about all the shit that goes around you other than thinking about what you should be doing. To get a hint of motivation to write. Why won't it show up?

I wanna write, I can write anything if I really want to but that takes planning and scheduling and trying to find the balance of time management between other shit in life. Why can't I do it? Hell if I know.

If there was something that I wanted to write I feel like I would've done it already. Just like I'm currently writing a story, that takes place about a woman who lives in San Francisco and is faced with not just the obstacles in her life but her long-lost love. Could be a typical realistic fictional story but hey that's what I came up with.

So what could I be writing about to expand my current vocabulary and lack of grammar skills and writing perfection? I could read to escape this hell hole of life. Take notes from the authors and be like "Hey I could use this". But do I? *sarcastic laughing* No I don't.

So there it is my ramble on what the hell I could be writing about

[kaorimiyazonotl]

“I’m afraid of time… I mean, I’m afraid of not having enough time. Not enough time to understand people, how they really are, or to be understood myself. I’m afraid of the quick judgements or mistakes everybody makes. You can’t fix them without time.”

— Ann Brashares

[kaorimiyazonotl]

“Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.”

— Unknown

[kaorimiyazonotl]

“I hope im on your mind as much as you’re on mine”

— Unknown

[kaorimiyazonotl]

“Love: It will kill you and save you, both.”

— Lauren Oliver

[kaorimiyazonotl]

I wanna hear the sound of your breath when I wake up. Trace your face, from eyes to nose. I wanna wake up next to you in a place called 'our home'. I wanna be your home. I wanna come home to you. Endless amounts of love and affection. Endless days with you.

[kaorimiyazonotl]

“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”

— Mitch Albom