l1ttlef0x

[l1ttlef0x]

My Mom was NICE. I don't quite know what happened, but I promise, she was nice.

[l1ttlef0x]

I don't think anyone WANTS to die. And I don't think it's cowardly if you do, eventually, die.

Because dying, is just you trying to cure the thing that fucks you up.

[l1ttlef0x]

I don't miss you anymore, but I see you in every blonde on the street.

I don't miss you anymore, but I still cry when I see photos of you.

I don't miss you anymore, but I still turn when I think I've heard you in supermarkets.

I don't miss you anymore, mom, but I am prone to reminisce.

[l1ttlef0x]

Does anyone else get so caught up in their mental illness that it becomes 90 - 100% of their personality? And then.. you just talk about it at every opportunity like it's some fun hobby that you've taken up?

And, after you realize what you've done, you feel all sick and disgusted with yourself for being so toxic?

[l1ttlef0x]

My therapist asked me to create an analogy regarding my anorexia using the example of 'sleep.' And I believe it would go like this:

Essentially, imagine you have a concussion. You can't go to sleep because you've been told it could harm you. (The bad outcome) At the same time, you're aware that sleep is the bodies most natural healing process. You NEED sleep. You're TIRED. But, it will most definitely cause harm. You wouldn't sleep, right? Because you want the 'good outcome.'

Per my understanding, eating will cause me weight gain. This is what I have been informed of and have proven through experience. (The bad outcome) YET, I'm being told that eating is NATURAL and NECASSARY. However, not eating causes the 'good outcome' in that I lose weight.

Like. What? Is it THAT hard to understand???

[l1ttlef0x]

When you start, it feels like you're being stabbed in the stomach. But to carry on is to feel the euphoria of the number declining.

[l1ttlef0x]

And just like that, out of the blue, I ⭐ve and I ⭐ve and I ⭐ve.

[l1ttlef0x]

When I slipped on that clean floor,

It was so bloody,

I barely remember it.

[l1ttlef0x]

At the same time that I'm a scared, cowering dog,

I'm terrified I may bite.

[l1ttlef0x]

Every so often, I find a letter in my cabinet.

It's always the same letter.

Always cruel.

And yet, I keep the letter,

To see if it gets kinder with time.

It does not.

[l1ttlef0x]

I have smile lines,

It's incredibly profound.

That someone who has died so many times,

Is even still around.

My heart has never stopped,

My lungs have not caved in.

But I imagine when they do,

I'd promptly let death win.

I have these lines,

To show defeat.

That I have never used the knife,

To the point of full relief.

[l1ttlef0x]

I told my brother, 'I might never go to university.'

And he said it was okay.

It was okay.

[l1ttlef0x]

I am the only daughter,

Which means I am loved immensely,

But hated so deeply it cancels out,

Until there is nothing toward me.

[l1ttlef0x]

Today I bought a homeless man a lighter,

He was annoyed that I hadn't bought him a cigarette.

But cigarettes make people into biters,

With their words, their teeth, all shot to shades of vignette.

Because alcohol may have taken my mother,

but smoke took her voice first.

And I'll never forget my brother,

Who they'll cart off, soon, in a hearse.

This man reminded me of him,

His ankle bracelet, his words.

But my brother doesn't smoke cigarettes.

Else he may make his life worse.

[l1ttlef0x]

My eating disorder is a car, and I, frozen in the headlights, am willing to be run down.

[l1ttlef0x]

And the problem was: I felt too much. So I ⭐ved. And it stopped the feelings.

[l1ttlef0x]

I want to hurt,

I'm not sure why.