lastsecondsquirrel

[lastsecondsquirrel]

Ok I found out where to park and that is a relief but holy fucking balls this job hasn't even started yet like I actually haven't even signed anything which you know is it's own stress like fuck I still can't even really relax on THAT front and anyway it is becoming the definition of "hurry up and wait" because I guess my potential new boss is sick and I understand that like shit happens and all that but I'm also dyyyyyyyyying because so many things are just Up In The Air for a few more days and my anxiety does not fuck with that please give me the details give me the information what is my schedule do I have a schedule how do I plan for this

omg I may have a job? This is very exciting and I've wanted this for years. I haven't even been to the location yet but will be working there one day a week. Panic #1: Where/how/where to park Panic #2: How do I get into the office what door do I use who do I talk to where the fuck do I go Panic #3: Oh shit office parties and events

It will be such a challenge in Being a Social Human and the robot alien in me is hyperventilating lmfao

[lastsecondsquirrel]

omg I may have a job? This is very exciting and I've wanted this for years. I haven't even been to the location yet but will be working there one day a week. Panic #1: Where/how/where to park Panic #2: How do I get into the office what door do I use who do I talk to where the fuck do I go Panic #3: Oh shit office parties and events

It will be such a challenge in Being a Social Human and the robot alien in me is hyperventilating lmfao

[lastsecondsquirrel]

lmao "Oh you're insecure about acne? I'm gonna prescribe you this sulfur cleanser that will make you smell like SULFUR. Wash twice a day!"

The strangest side quest

[lastsecondsquirrel]

My current problem is that alcohol can make me so goddamn socially charming and then people are like "You're fun, let's hang out/date!" and then they meet up with me again in a sober setting and I am exposed as this anxious anxious anxious person and they are like "oh no this is so off-putting" and then we all go home uncomfortable

[lastsecondsquirrel]

My relationship with my mom has significantly improved over the last 6 months. Things went from anger, fighting and silence to laughter, communication and mutual support.

At the same time...

I'll share something I'm sad about with her and she'll laugh? It's like half the time when I speak to her, she barely hears me. And not only is she fantastic at tuning me out or finding joy in my misfortunes, we can be having a conversation and she's actively filtering out what I'm saying and replacing it with something completely different she's already thinking about. She will have a complete conversation with herself through me.

It has been a lifelong trigger for me with her and although we've been getting better at communicating, I do not know how to say "I feel like you do not listen to me like fucking evvvvverrrrr" to her without hurting her feelings or getting into a fight or having to repeat myself because she heard "Yeah those french fries are so good" or some shit

[lastsecondsquirrel]

So I was doing a little exposure therapy and going out in public to end the year off with some progress and I drove past Planned Parenthood and there were these assholes outside with signs with pictures of fetuses and being all anti-choice and the fact that 1. It is New Years fucking Eve and 2. These pricks made sure half their signs were pointed into the parking lot so that their judgment is absolutely unavoidable for people seeking medical treatments enraged me to my core

ANYWAY I rolled down my window intending to shout "I LOVE abortions! 🥰" to be all cute and sassy but I was so pissed I shouted "I LOVE ABORTIONS! 😡" and it was LOUD and angry

I realize "I love abortions" is probably considered an extreme statement but like abortions save lives and I'm angry enough nowadays sometimes my social anxiety is just like "I'll step aside for this one"

Then it comes back immediately after but idk fuck those people

[lastsecondsquirrel]

Turned around too quickly after putting out peanuts for my crow friend and Orpheused that Eurydice

[lastsecondsquirrel]

Today when my therapist indicated that I haven't been utilizing my distress tolerance skills enough I got frustrated and ended the session early and I am conflicted on whether this action proves or disproves her point

On the one hand, I can see how rage-quitting therapy isn't a good look, but is stepping away when you're emotionally flooded and upset not a form of distress tolerance??

I've been arguing with myself about whether I'm a selfish stupid asshole or a person who took care of their mental health and I'm losing

[lastsecondsquirrel]

My sisters are four and six years older than me so I spent a lot of my childhood wanting desperately to be liked by them and being completely rejected and humiliated, trying to keep up with their intelligence and failing (leading to further rejection), and trying to understand and fix what made me so fucking unlikeable and failing (leading yet again to more rejection and humiliation).

We're all adults now. They've got great jobs and just keep getting offered new jobs and big promotions and they just can't fail! They've got friends and furniture and plants. Oh, the best part is they live in the same apartment building AND the same office building. It's just like they're in a sitcom!

Me? I'm unemployed living with my mom and agoraphobic as all hell.

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS BULLSHIT AND NO MATTER HOW MUCH THERAPY I DO I CANNOT GET OUT OF THIS HELL

Obviously I can't be angry with them for succeeding in life while I've failed (as much as I'd like to be). I'm just so so so goddamned tired of shouting my congratulations out to them from the kid's table I can't do this anymore

[lastsecondsquirrel]

My crow pair are my emotional battery pack right now. Every day I go out front and put out their peanuts and watch them through the peephole for a few seconds and then sometimes I can hear their big wings *WOOH WOOH WOOH* as they fly away

It's one of those rare moments where I am engaged with the world in a way that doesn't feel like abject humiliation

Of course my very large fear is that my neighbors will realize what I'm doing and be all angry and "WHY ARE YOU SUMMONING TRASH BIRDS" but I've slowly been getting a bit more comfortable with the idea that I'm not being surveilled at all times

So this fucking morning I see them on the lamp post and I walk out and confidently say "Hey beautiful" and throw out an absurd number of peanuts because fuck it it's Saturday and I turn and there's a neighbor coming up the street with his dog looking at me and the pure joy immediately turned into unadulterated shame as I am now convinced the neighbors are going to come yell at me The end

[lastsecondsquirrel]

I called out and now I feel like a bad malicious unreliable unhelpful lazy fuck up of a person

I've been volunteering at a thrift shop for a few months now, right? I'm still a little baby there. I fucked up there just the other week and overheard one of the ladies in charge complaining about it.

Anyway last week I was informed by the lady who complained that I would be getting trained on register today because they barely have any volunteers trained on the register right now.

So many reasons are running through my head for why I am the WRONG choice for this but the most obvious thing is I am terrified of people and have been having the hardest time there lately just in the back of the store. Last week I went home early and I said it was cramps but between you and me it was because there were twice as many people in the warehouse and all the conversations were overstimulating and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Anyway my sister's all "You can totally do it" and my mom's like "Yeah you're right you can't do it and shouldn't" and my therapist was putting out a bigger fire this week but I think she thinks I can do it?

BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT. NOT TODAY.

I'm supposed to leave in an hour and a half. FUCK.

[lastsecondsquirrel]

#the crying I crud

“Ah sorry I’m just dumb” (having ADHD my whole life has meant that I’ve been criticised heavily for making mistakes that come part and parcel with the condition. Even the people I love most in the world have chastised me for mistakes that I spend much of my life worrying about and trying to avoid. It’s much easier to tell you I’m just a silly guy than explain to you that no matter how much effort, how much thought, how much stress I put into avoiding these same mistakes, I will keep making them over and over again. My brain is structurally built to thwart me throughout it all.)

[lastsecondsquirrel]

I've been volunteering at a thrift shop for a few months now, right? I'm still a little baby there. I fucked up there just the other week and overheard one of the ladies in charge complaining about it.

Anyway last week I was informed by the lady who complained that I would be getting trained on register today because they barely have any volunteers trained on the register right now.

So many reasons are running through my head for why I am the WRONG choice for this but the most obvious thing is I am terrified of people and have been having the hardest time there lately just in the back of the store. Last week I went home early and I said it was cramps but between you and me it was because there were twice as many people in the warehouse and all the conversations were overstimulating and I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Anyway my sister's all "You can totally do it" and my mom's like "Yeah you're right you can't do it and shouldn't" and my therapist was putting out a bigger fire this week but I think she thinks I can do it?

BUT I DON'T THINK I CAN DO IT. NOT TODAY.

I'm supposed to leave in an hour and a half. FUCK.

[lastsecondsquirrel]

Okay so I'm always masking (like even when I'm alone I catch myself monitoring my thoughts in case God exists and is watching) and I'm trying to be aware of it because it's draining my energy and contributing to my self loathing

Anyway I recently realized anytime I am presented with information that my brain identifies as 1. too smart for me but 2. I will be mocked if I don't know it, I'm like "Oh yeah I know, right? Totally. Uh huh." and then obsess over whether they believed me or liked me or they probably hated me honestly and then I often don't ever try to follow up and educate myself further

It happens all the time and it's fucking stupid and unhelpful

[lastsecondsquirrel]

There is a pair of crows that visits my house every day for peanuts and I haven't fully gained their trust but their companionship has been so so so so nice. I have something I actually look forward to, I'm forced to go in front of my home every day (used to be terrifying, now just kinda stressful), and I have really cool friends that I didn't meet through my sisters!!

I love them I love them I love them I love them I love them

[lastsecondsquirrel]

Screaming it hurts and getting put in time-out for yelling indoors

[lastsecondsquirrel]

I am not the problem in this family just because I'm the only one in therapy I am not the problem in this family just because I'm the only one in therapy I am not the problem in this family just because I'm the only on in therapy