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MOOD

Looking through my old posts from before I came to terms with being aroace. Oh girl, you were so confused it’s embarrassing

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I've never quite understood why and how songs like 'This Is Me' from The Greatest Showman and 'How Far I'll Go' from Moana spoke to me so much as preteen.

I still don't. They ignite a flood of relatability. They fill me with courage. I felt so out-of-place at 11-12 without a reason I can pinpoint directly. It's magic. It's magic.

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I adore musicals.

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I still adore Sia's music. I find a song on YouTube I haven't gotten into yet or heard of and make sure to watch it on any other channel she isn't affiliated with and later download it on my favourite pirate site. I love to analyse the lyrics. I love to pay special attention to the chosen instruments. I love to think up the story behind them. And I love to associate some aspects of my life with the song. Her music is an experience. Her ableism is such a shame to her art. It's still possible to seperate the artist from the art, especially when making sure they don't benefit a single cent from you.

I'm currently fixated on Soon We'll Be Found.

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The worst part is I don't even remember her saying these phrases.... I only remember thinking them constantly by myself.

I learned recently, while researching gaslighting, that there is a second type called ‘Emotional gaslighting’. This is when your abusers deny the reality of your feelings. ‘You’re too sensitive’, 'It wasn’t that bad’, 'You’re just faking it for attention’, 'Stop acting like you’re hurt’ 'Come on, it didn’t hurt you’ 'You’re overreacting!’ 'You’re fine, stop exaggerating’, these phrases deny your own feelings to you. They communicate to you that not only the abuser doesn’t believe you’re experiencing pain, they’re demanding you to pretend that you aren’t. They’re asking you to deny your reality and to pretend it’s not real.

This will make you feel like you’re not allowed to feel your own emotions, and you’ll end up questioning if any of your emotion is real or are you faking it? Are you justified in feeling what you do? Are your feelings of pain and terror really just an exaggeration that doesn’t have a basis in reality? Are you making up your own suffering? Is all this pain in your head only?

This, again, will cause you to feel like you’re going insane, and doubt your every reaction to any event, you’ll try to see if thru someone else’s eyes you would be perceived as 'reasonable’ for having a reaction that you do, and it will drive you insane trying to figure out what are the 'correct’ responses while all you feel is shame, anxiety, pain and desperation.

This illusion falls apart when you realize that all 'correct’ responses are only those convenient to your abuser, and that somehow, your every positive and obedient reaction to them is 'correct’, while justified upset and pain at their abuse is 'wrong and forbidden’. So somehow you’ve been reacting to everything right, except the abuse. Somehow, your every thought and feeling needs to be convenient to them or it’s wrong. That’s how you know it’s only a self-serving game they’re playing, and all your emotions were correct all along, as there’s no way for you to 'feel’ wrong. All your pain is still their fault, and not your fault for 'feeling it’, and things are exactly as bad as you feel them. Your feelings are a reflection of reality that is happening to you, if there was no cause of you feeling upset and pained, you would not be feeling it.  

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Hey, this is my tritype! And incredible that they added a Sleeping At Last quote from Saturn, too!

Enneagram Tritype Moodboards: (22/27)

458 (The Scholar)

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reblog if you ever went through the "I'm [mspec]" straight to "I'm [aspec]" pipeline 💀💀

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My post is nearly at 2000 notes right now and I'm baffled. I never expected so many people to relate to what was my own frustrated personal experience. I struggle with having felt toxic femininity at a young age. I now find it challenging to decide whether I'm doing stuff to be good and submissive and upholding purity culture, or I'm being my authentic self who actually can't be a "normal" sexual being at all.

It's hard to be different in a world where everyone else feels the same about something, huh :'l

Aspec culture is thinking you were just innocent and sticking to good morals while everyone around you became raging hormone machines and that being 'sane/normal' was going to impress your parents or elders or some type of messed up belief system.

It's me—I'm aspec culture.

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I can't breathe when I choose a new SAL song to fall in love with and it expresses something I didn't realize I've ever felt .

Sleeping At Last. Sleeping At Last. Sleeping At Last.

No words for you

how do people listen to sleeping at last and not go absolutely bonkers?? Like

“forgiveness is a lesson he cursed you to learn”??? “darkness exists to make light truly count”??? “may our stories catch fire and burn bright enough to catch God’s eye”??? “we pray we were made in the image of a figure eight”??? “if truth is north then I am true south”??? “It’s so exhausting on this silver screen where I play the role of anyone but me”??? “I’ve been less than half myself for more than half my life”??? “God knows, I am dissonance waiting to be swiftly pulled into tune”??? “I bend the definition of faith to exonerate my blind eye”??? “pain is a well-intentioned weatherman predicting God as best he can, but God I wanna feel again”??? “our stained glass means nothing without light”??? “in our grey matter all grey matters”??? “sign language is our reply when church bells make no sound”??? “for in our great sorrow we learn what joy means”??? “I’ll try and find the image of God in mountains made of ash and clouds of smoke”??? “they’re calling off the war on account of losing track of what we’re fighting for”??? “if brokenness is a form of art, I must be a poster child prodigy”??? “it’s a cruel, cruel trick how we find ourselves when we lose everything else”???

There are so many more but these are just my favorites

Songs referenced:

Uneven Odds / In the Embers / South / Three / Nine / Mercury / Earth / Touch / Sight / Mind / Emphasis / Sorrow / Anger / Mars / Neptune / Woodwork

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For me, it's more:

INFP stereotype: yoU'rE sO iDeaLLisTic AnD a hOpeLeSs roMaNtIc

Me, another aroace infp: You got the right idea, but the wrong bitch

Aroace stereotype: yOu cAn'T fEeL aNyThInG yOu DoN't hAvE eMoTiOnS!

Infp stereotype: yOu'Re sO iLloGiCaL aNd A cRyBaBy!

Me, an aroace infp: I serve to prove that stereotypes are stupid

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I can't believe there was a time I thought being asexual was easy.

What makes it worse is that I truly believed it was even well into my research when I finally realized I was asexual.

I was watching Spacey Aces on YouTube and laughing at the idea that aphobia exists.

"How could people hate on people doing nothing?"

"Surely no one is that stupid. Aces can't possibly suffer."

Well, I still hold that logic. The main reason I'm openly aroace is because I dare anyone to be stupid enough to shit on my day. Another reason is to raise awareness.

I don't like the misconceptions people have on what it means to be asexual. I want people to understand not everyone is the same. I want people to realise just how sexual the world is and how there are a fistful of hurdles aces have to withstand to exist serenely.

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Being ace is not easy.

Never has been, but I sure damn hope it will be.

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I have a love-hate relationship with the song 'Brown Skin Girl' by Beyoncé, Blue Ivy, Saint JHN and Wizkid. I love the message. I love the music video. I love the uplifting of so many skin types and afrocultural qualities. I kinda vibe with it. But I hate the poor lyricism; I hate the inclusion of how desirable we are to men.

Now, I understand the concept they may have been trying to put forward: that we're just as beautiful as every other-skinned woman. It is a great to remind those who struggle with feeling like they'll never find love if they look a certain way.

But good lord, can black female-aligned people be affirmed in our own right without being reminded men will find us hot! I'm aromantic and asexual but this is an issue for all brown skin girls and femmes.

Can't there be an amazing, empowering song in which we're reminded of our magnificence just for existing so the worth of one's beauty can stop being chained to how attractive we are to opposite sex?

Just one.

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Here's my two cents as an AFAB black African aroace teen:

Men disregard your asexuality no matter how many times you tell them. They're so cut-throat they will continue sexualizing you even if you express your discomfort only to then take things personally!

Everyone expects any black male-presenting friend of mine (which I have several and that makes the effect worse) to be hitting it with me

Girls in my class assume I'm a slag because of this when the opposite is true

African parents and adults warning you of pregnancy and puppy love constantly that you have to sit through because you're too scared come out and be considered a secretly gay

The boys take pictures of me without my consent focused on my ass and boobs

My teachers believe legit everything I wear outside of the uniform (even my uniform as it's pretty short) is for male attention and dresscode me for being "naughty" when I genuinely can't tell what's sexually enticing about a black turtle neck or mid-thigh denim shorts

Everyone assumes so much about me just from my blackness that doesn't match up because I'm aroace

So much of being a woman revolves around being heterosexual in my culture, which makes life harder as I'm also non-binary

CAT CALLING! SO. MUCH. CAT CALLING!

I'm literally 16 and things aren't getting better this way up 😀🏌️ But I still fight for my right to be treated accordingly and will remain openly aroace around my agemates.

Being asexual, aromantic, or aspec when you’re black is a vastly different experience than when you’re white. I’d love to discuss this with other black aspecs, and here are my experiences.

You’re basically invisible or assumed to be a lesbian in the black community

(This is my experience) Feeling disconnected from black culture because they sexualize the black female body so much.

Knowing the discussion of being a baby mama will most likely never apply to you.

Scratch that, a lot of discussions are going to be something you either watch or sometimes chime in on.

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If you like the word “queer” reblog.

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this is me and a certain m.

qpp’s that were in a qpr but never realized they were in a qpr but they just realized they were/are definitely in a qpr

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very, very grateful

don‘t wanna sound overdramatic but I am so lucky to be alive at the same time as Alice Oseman

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I suddenly started feeling funky any time I saw, legit every other body after my last period. I thought it was just the hormones settling, but now it's nearly time for my next one, I'm wondering if I could actually be a bi-angled aroace.

like, gr-ace...

Gotta love queer questioning :')

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Something new I've started to feel sad about as an aromantic is how my bestie—who recently came out to me as bi and I'm the only person he's told—needs my help and empathy as the only other queer person he talks to about his deep crush on another guy, but I can't give it to him the way I could if I were allo. He has woes and I can't relate or understand how he could possibly be feeling. It's very hard for me to bear because I've always been considered a very accomodating, empathetic and feel-y person. It appears all that talent flew out the window when I accepted the truth of my identity.

I guess I'll hope to learn to compare his problems to my past friendships.

Sigh.