meaunp

[meaunp]

It's my 12 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[meaunp]

I have until August 14 to climb out of this $1,500 pit. I don’t know if this post will reach anyone, but I’m holding onto the hope that it might 🥹

Even a reblog sends a ripple. Even a dollar brings me closer

[meaunp]

Learn how to draw for today

Im using this guide:

[meaunp]

- I just learned that adding layers prevents colors from mixing 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻so cool

- With adding new layer, i can color outside the lines and erase things without messing up the rest 🥹🥹🥹 it's honestly so convenient

- I really want to learn how to color inside the lines properly 😞😞 (i’ve seen people do it so neatly on procreate, and it looks so satisfying 🥺)

- There's still a lot for me to figure out, but i’m enjoying the process so much

[meaunp]

Yes its raining finally

[meaunp]

[meaunp]

Day 4????? Ehhhh am i trippin

[meaunp]

Day 3

[meaunp]

gonna get that $700 somehow… don’t know how

[meaunp]

Star Maker 2023 vs 2019 I really enjoyed repainting this one. Maybe in a few more years I'll give it another go!

[meaunp]

Not So Deer by Richard Lay

[meaunp]

WAH!!

twitter/ insta/bluesky/ store

[meaunp]

Day 2

[meaunp]

Day 1

ice cream toffee hazelnut

[meaunp]

ok so from now on i’m just gonna start dumping my drawings here lol

trying to draw every day, learn as i go

Im using infinite painter app on android

if u got tips or fav tutorials or anything, hmu 🙏

[meaunp]

hi tumblr.

been a while.

just dropping by again like i always do when life feels too much and nowhere else makes sense.

it’s been five years since i got my degree.

five years since i thought i was about to start a career, build a life, grow into someone who could finally breathe.

but here i am. still waiting for that first breath.

I worked as a pharmacist at a local hospital once.

the pay was trash.

we were six people, three computers only one good and tiny room, trying to do actual clinical work.

i got tired of pretending that was normal.

I quit with no backup plan. It was pure burnout, and thinking i can and deserve a better job than this.

i did get a job offer after that.

but the guy who interviewed me?

something about the way he talked made my skin crawl.

too familiar, too gross.

i said no.

i didn’t want to sell my peace just to stay alive.

sometimes i wonder if that was a mistake.

what followed was almost a year of "almosts"

almost got the job

almost passed the test

almost made the cut

almost met the salary expectations

almost stable

almost okay

a year of rejection emails and silence and me trying to figure out if it’s me or just bad luck.

somewhere along the way, i stopped dreaming about the right job.

i just wanted a job.

anything that could keep the lights on, put food on the table, let me help my mom and sisters survive.

after my dad passed, and my mom retired, everything shifted.

suddenly being the oldest daughter stopped being symbolic.

i had to show up. bring money. be the one.

and i wasn’t ready.

but life doesn’t care if you’re ready.

i’m trying to keep my sister in school.

trying to hold the family together.

trying to outrun the debt.

it’s so much.

today i got another rejection email.

five months into a recruitment process.

all for a “thanks but no thanks.”

Oh btw i got fired in february this year.

i didn’t tell anyone.

i’ve been lying to my family, pretending i still go to work every day.

thought i’d land something quick and clean.

but months passed. nothing came.

so i started taking loans,

just so i could give my mom money like everything’s fine.

now i owe almost 1,000 USD a month.

and i can't pay that. not even close.

sometimes i just sit there, frozen.

not even crying. not even thinking.

just stuck.

like my body doesn’t belong to me anymore.

i keep thinking about water.

how nice it’d be to just float, disappear into something bigger than me.

just the thought of it.

cool, quiet, weightless.

i don’t know what i’m doing anymore.

i just know i’m tired.

and if i ever get a chance to do life again, maybe i’ll do it differently from the start.

[meaunp]

Going to dentist when you've been bottling up emotions, it's bad idea

Sure it hurts when the dentist check for cavities and its natural for you to drop a tear

But why my tears keep falling ??

Its not even hurt anymore