memesnotdreams

[memesnotdreams]

me talking to the imaginary panel of therapists in my head: in conclusion, realizing that i, a human adult, have never received love is overwhelming and physically distressing. i am not made to feel such big things, and doubt there is anything to be gained by an attempt. there is a reason we bury nuclear waste. respectfully, fuck all of y'all, i am shoving these feelings back into the void inside me where they belong and can do no harm.

me to my actual therapist: therapy is helping so much thank you : )

[memesnotdreams]

Lol not me updating this*checks notes* six months later, but a promise is a promise my friends, and i do have some additional hints/commentary, which boils down to be ungovernable lol.

this is mostly about how to deal with culpability--what that means at the time of accident and later on when discussing fault with insurance. also, as you will probably guess this is far less edited. i didn't want to procrastinate even further so here you go.

3. culpability

-first, for my conflict avoidant folks, as it turns out these days the determination of fault is very streamlined (even if not always fair, which i will get to) so all the dramatic scenes you see of people beginning to argue the second after they get into an accident? to try and get ...idk the other person to accept fault? not only is it unrealistic, it's unnecessary and a complete red herring. and for real, arguing with someone moments after you get into an accident, or arguing with officers should they be called really changes nothing and only gets your blood pressure further up. it is perfectly fine to check that the other person is okay, call the cops, and then say nothing else.

-that said, be careful what you do say once you get on the phone with your insurance or with the cops. for insurance, they will take the first thing you say right after an accident as your statement. you were t boned 5 minutes ago? don't care, whatever you said while you were dissociating is now entered into the record.

-as for cops, talk to them and be cooperative but remember that cops, UNLESS THEY WERE THERE AT TIME OF THE ACCIDENT, DO NOT DECLARE FAULT. i'll say it again, they do not get to declare fault so you can save your breath trying to chat them up as well. tell them the facts and then be quiet. they will usually only ask you for license, proof of insurance, and contact information so that you and the other driver can get in touch.

4. breathe you dumb bitch

-so knowing this, give yourself time to regulate and also get the facts clear in your head. again, do no try to assign fault here (either internally or externally)--no one cares. seriously, no one cares how you're feeling. it sounds cold but hey, it's much easier and less emotionally taxing to say " i was going north on x street at y time in the morning" vs blurting out "the world is cruel, why is god punishing me, his weakest soldier" because you haven't given yourself time to process. so, look out for yourself , and stick to the facts.

5. understanding the game, and final takeaways

-now for fault, in most cases--rear ending someone, sideswiping when changing lanes, crashes at lights--fault is determined by who had right of way.

understanding this was huge because it was then that i had the epiphany that people are just trying to find the box you fit and check it. they will always default to the easiest thing. usually it's the simple law of right away in accidents. another term you might hear is "who had control of the lane". it all boils down to who was supposed to be there, and who was not. if i am in a lane, and you are merging, you don't have control of the lane so if you hit me at any point, it's your fault. similarly, if we are both in a lane and i rear end you, because you also did "have control of the lane" it's probably my fault that i hit you. you may say "but this person, cut me off, they were a shitty driver etc." might all be true but in terms of the law and insurance speak, if they were in the lane driving....you have the responsibility not to hit them. end of story. -now that you know this, if at all possible ( and where applicable obviously) if you were not at fault, do your best to present evidence that the other party had no business being in and around your car. this is the best place to start because it undercuts their default argument about fault.

-more broadly, insurance knows how confusing this all is, that people don't really speak or process in terms of traffic laws and checklists and having control of the lane, and that we are likely to blame and second guess ourselves. they will try to convince you you are just a bad driver and that you should accept blame and move on so that they can get on with their day. that's where they get the audacity to say " hey, i'm gonna be real , sounds like you just weren't paying attention and you're a bad driver. you were careless." hey andrew maybe don't be real and shut the fuck up since you weren't there. but i digress.

-hopefully now that you know how the game is played and that the person on the phone is paid not that much and just wants to check you off their list... you gotta adopt the attitude of "fuck you and your workflow" .double check everything. read the reports that they give you for damages, double check your rights and coverage, check that the police filed the report of your accident if needed because cops actually have discretion not to file it (who knew), and take as long as you need. basically, the best advice i can give is to do at every turn the opposite of what insurance is hoping you will do. do not accept their first offer, do not passively accept their retelling of events, and don't give them the time of day just because they are blowing up your phone. similarly, when replacing your car, do not let the car salesman get through whatever spiel they have planned. disrupt their flow, force them to be authentic and respond in real time. that's when you start hearing the "hmmm i dont know" and the "i'll have to verify that" or "that's just policy ma'am" which is when you realize, no one knows what they fuck they are doing. they just have a script okay. which means you, by ignoring their script completely, can significantly level the playing field. be ungovernable. waste their time. be as annoying as you have always wanted to be.

have a good day friends and best of luck

alright friends, been working on this one for a few days. my car was totaled and it was an eye opening experience--i learned a few things about insurance, the loss process and buying a new car so passing on that knowledge so that you can keep as much of your hard earned money as possible.

buying cars -price is absolutely negotiable. a good benchmark is with fees and everything, you should try to walk out the door with the sticker price. i.e. if a dealership is selling a car for 12k excluding fees, you should shoot to pay 12K total. do your own research of course in order to make your case, but i'm just here to say that it's possible so dont give up, and dont leave money on the table. this is your sign to be aggressive! -negotiating is a bit of a performance. bring props, they help. i had all my notes printed out and it totally changed the tone of the conversation as soon as i whipped them out. -okay yes this is theater but, especially if you are getting a used car, take this bit seriously and prepare lol. bring a hard copy checklist of features to check on the car. verify VIN, the specs/model of the car, interior and exterior finishes and condition etc. and then actually verify! looking this closely at the car helped me identify cosmetic issues that helped when negotiating, and i also found some features to be missing. as it turns out, dealerships will list all possible features on a car according to the model,but it's up to you to make sure the car you are buying comes with those options. -again when buying a used car, ask if it comes with a warranty or is being sold as is. if it is being sold as is, whatever is wrong with the car at time of sale is your problem so plan accordingly. if they say there is a warranty verify this is not a warranty you are paying for as part of the loan. you want a dealership guarantee, or a manufacturers warranty best case. i was told the car had a warranty included with purchase but it was essentially an up sell and would be wrapped up in the loan. this added a couple thousand to my negotiated price. you can buy your own warranty later if it comes to it, but you do not need this.

the total loss process -a total loss is when you get in an accident and even if the car is driveable, your insurance company tells you they aren't going to fix it because it costs too much and or can not be made safe to drive -your insurance company is almost always going to lowball you for the settlement amount. dont accept this! double check their work on the settlement report, verify the comps are as close to your vehicle as possible. and have pictures of the interior and exterior of the car ready (esp in the case where there was minimal damage but it's still being ruled a loss) to show that your car was in good condition. - my last bit of advice is just to wait them out and be polite but firm. they absolutely can and will adjust the settlement if you come with evidence and are persistent. photos are a huge help so send those as soon as possible. this advice is unpopular for those of us who have issues challenging authority but hype yourself up and just do it. it's your money and it's owed to you.

more to come about how the accident reporting process actually works and some pitfalls i ran into.

[memesnotdreams]

like the first rule of cooking is to have fun and be yourself and the first rule of baking is to stay calm because the dough can sense fear

[memesnotdreams]

sauron thinks he's a bad bitch but everyone is against him so he gotta fight demons when really he should've just quit before he fucked around and got served up some hobbit delivered consequences

unrelated but drake really should not have gone toe to toe with kendrick lamar

I'm honestly surprised Sauron didn't just pack his shit up and head on out after seeing into Aragorn's mind with the palantír. He would have seen Arwen and had a PTSD-induced panic attack thinking he was seeing Lúthien. He would have seen Galadriel still primed and ready to beat his ass. He would have seen Glorfindel back from the dead from killing his pet Balrog, also primed and ready to beat his ass. He would have seen Elrond, who is a horror all on his own just by existing. Methinks this Maia doesn't know how to caculate his risks properly

[memesnotdreams]

"Mustard," said Kendrick calmly

[memesnotdreams]

Tony: I know you’re used to doing things on your own. But you don’t have to anymore.

Peter: I know… but sometimes it’s easier to pretend I’m still alone.

Tony: *gently* That’s not easier, Peter. It’s just lonelier.

[memesnotdreams]

only way to defeat evil is through chaotic good

Sauron: *looking into Pippin’s mind through the Palantir*

Sauron: the fuck is this

[memesnotdreams]

shiny. mine.

Aragorn

[memesnotdreams]

[memesnotdreams]

this was slutty!! i was trying to thin of the perfect word and now i have it, thank you

"cant believe youd make this about your current interest" i will make the birds in the sky and the grass in the fields about my thing. for free. i will look at gods ineffable creation with a mind filled with images and thoughts of my guys.

[memesnotdreams]

my company sent out an email after the election reminding us that it was our job to be "polite and professional, and ensure a productive work environment going forward."

ever wonder how to say FIX YOUR DAMN FACE in corporate ^^ there it is

we feel you blue

[memesnotdreams]

i need socks with shoes which is the normal and correct way to live and also literally never let my bare feet touch the floor

shout out to socks and house slippers for propping up my sanity

are you a “i despise socks” neurodivergent or a “i NEED socks” neurodivergent. this is a very important question

[memesnotdreams]

literally gonna save this and forget it's there when i am struggling to write

The Neurodivergent Writer’s Guide to Fun and Productivity

(Even when life beats you down)

Look, I’m a mom, I have ADHD, I’m a spoonie. To say that I don’t have heaps of energy to spare and I struggle with consistency is an understatement. For years, I tried to write consistently, but I couldn’t manage to keep up with habits I built and deadlines I set.

So fuck neurodivergent guides on building habits, fuck “eat the frog first”, fuck “it’s all in the grind”, and fuck “you just need time management”—here is how I manage to write often and a lot.

Focus on having fun, not on the outcome

This was the groundwork I had to lay before I could even start my streak. At an online writing conference, someone said: “If you push yourself and meet your goals, and you publish your book, but you haven’t enjoyed the process… What’s the point?” and hoo boy, that question hit me like a truck.

I was so caught up in the narrative of “You’ve got to show up for what’s important” and “Push through if you really want to get it done”. For a few years, I used to read all these productivity books about grinding your way to success, and along the way I started using the same language as they did. And I notice a lot of you do so, too.

But your brain doesn’t like to grind. No-one’s brain does, and especially no neurodivergent brain. If having to write gives you stress or if you put pressure on yourself for not writing (enough), your brain’s going to say: “Huh. Writing gives us stress, we’re going to try to avoid it in the future.”

So before I could even try to write regularly, I needed to teach my brain once again that writing is fun. I switched from countable goals like words or time to non-countable goals like “fun” and “flow”.

Rewire my brain: writing is fun and I’m good at it

I used everything I knew about neuroscience, psychology, and social sciences. These are some of the things I did before and during a writing session. Usually not all at once, and after a while I didn’t need these strategies anymore, although I sometimes go back to them when necessary.

I journalled all the negative thoughts I had around writing and try to reason them away, using arguments I knew in my heart were true. (The last part is the crux.) Imagine being supportive to a writer friend with crippling insecurities, only the friend is you.

Not setting any goals didn’t work for me—I still nurtured unwanted expectations. So I did set goals, but made them non-countable, like “have fun”, “get in the flow”, or “write”. Did I write? Yes. Success! Your brain doesn’t actually care about how high the goal is, it cares about meeting whatever goal you set.

I didn’t even track how many words I wrote. Not relevant.

I set an alarm for a short time (like 10 minutes) and forbade myself to exceed that time. The idea was that if I write until I run out of mojo, my brain learns that writing drains the mojo. If I write for 10 minutes and have fun, my brain learns that writing is fun and wants to do it again.

Reinforce the fact that writing makes you happy by rewarding your brain immediately afterwards. You know what works best for you: a walk, a golden sticker, chocolate, cuddle your dog, whatever makes you happy.

I conditioned myself to associate writing with specific stimuli: that album, that smell, that tea, that place. Any stimulus can work, so pick one you like. I consciously chose several stimuli so I could switch them up, and the conditioning stays active as long as I don’t muddle it with other associations.

Use a ritual to signal to your brain that Writing Time is about to begin to get into the zone easier and faster. I guess this is a kind of conditioning as well? Meditation, music, lighting a candle… Pick your stimulus and stick with it.

Specifically for rewiring my brain, I started a new WIP that had no emotional connotations attached to it, nor any pressure to get finished or, heaven forbid, meet quality norms. I don’t think these techniques above would have worked as well if I had applied them on writing my novel.

It wasn’t until I could confidently say I enjoyed writing again, that I could start building up a consistent habit. No more pushing myself.

I lowered my definition for success

When I say that nowadays I write every day, that’s literally it. I don’t set out to write 1,000 or 500 or 10 words every day (tried it, failed to keep up with it every time)—the only marker for success when it comes to my streak is to write at least one word, even on the days when my brain goes “naaahhh”. On those days, it suffices to send myself a text with a few keywords or a snippet. It’s not “success on a technicality (derogatory)”, because most of those snippets and ideas get used in actual stories later. And if they don’t, they don’t. It’s still writing. No writing is ever wasted.

A side note on high expectations, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism

Obviously, “Setting a ridiculously low goal” isn’t something I invented. I actually got it from those productivity books, only I never got it to work. I used to tell myself: “It’s okay if I don’t write for an hour, because my goal is to write for 20 minutes and if I happen to keep going for, say, an hour, that’s a bonus.” Right? So I set the goal for 20 minutes, wrote for 35 minutes, and instead of feeling like I exceeded my goal, I felt disappointed because apparently I was still hoping for the bonus scenario to happen. I didn’t know how to set a goal so low and believe it.

I think the trick to making it work this time lies more in the groundwork of training my brain to enjoy writing again than in the fact that my daily goal is ridiculously low. I believe I’m a writer, because I prove it to myself every day. Every success I hit reinforces the idea that I’m a writer. It’s an extra ward against imposter syndrome.

Knowing that I can still come up with a few lines of dialogue on the Really Bad Days—days when I struggle to brush my teeth, the day when I had a panic attack in the supermarket, or the day my kid got hit by a car—teaches me that I can write on the mere Bad-ish Days.

The more I do it, the more I do it

The irony is that setting a ridiculously low goal almost immediately led to writing more and more often. The most difficult step is to start a new habit. After just a few weeks, I noticed that I needed less time and energy to get into the zone. I no longer needed all the strategies I listed above.

Another perk I noticed, was an increased writing speed. After just a few months of writing every day, my average speed went from 600 words per hour to 1,500 wph, regularly exceeding 2,000 wph without any loss of quality.

Talking about quality: I could see myself becoming a better writer with every passing month. Writing better dialogue, interiority, chemistry, humour, descriptions, whatever: they all improved noticeably, and I wasn’t a bad writer to begin with.

The increased speed means I get more done with the same amount of energy spent. I used to write around 2,000-5,000 words per month, some months none at all. Nowadays I effortlessly write 30,000 words per month. I didn’t set out to write more, it’s just a nice perk.

Look, I’m not saying you should write every day if it doesn’t work for you. My point is: the more often you write, the easier it will be.

No pressure

Yes, I’m still working on my novel, but I’m not racing through it. I produce two or three chapters per month, and the rest of my time goes to short stories my brain keeps projecting on the inside of my eyelids when I’m trying to sleep. I might as well write them down, right?

These short stories started out as self-indulgence, and even now that I take them more seriously, they are still just for me. I don’t intend to ever publish them, no-one will ever read them, they can suck if they suck. The unintended consequence was that my short stories are some of my best writing, because there’s no pressure, it’s pure fun.

Does it make sense to spend, say, 90% of my output on stories no-one else will ever read? Wouldn’t it be better to spend all that creative energy and time on my novel? Well, yes. If you find the magic trick, let me know, because I haven’t found it yet. The short stories don’t cannibalize on the novel, because they require different mindsets. If I stopped writing the short stories, I wouldn’t produce more chapters. (I tried. Maybe in the future? Fingers crossed.)

Don’t wait for inspiration to hit

There’s a quote by Picasso: “Inspiration hits, but it has to find you working.” I strongly agree. Writing is not some mystical, muse-y gift, it’s a skill and inspiration does exist, but usually it’s brought on by doing the work. So just get started and inspiration will come to you.

Accountability and community

Having social factors in your toolbox is invaluable. I have an offline writing friend I take long walks with, I host a monthly writing club on Discord, and I have another group on Discord that holds me accountable every day. They all motivate me in different ways and it’s such a nice thing to share my successes with people who truly understand how hard it can be.

The productivity books taught me that if you want to make a big change in your life or attitude, surrounding yourself with people who already embody your ideal or your goal huuuugely helps. The fact that I have these productive people around me who also prioritize writing, makes it easier for me to stick to my own priorities.

Your toolbox

The idea is to have several techniques at your disposal to help you stay consistent. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket by focussing on just one technique. Keep all of them close, and if one stops working or doesn’t inspire you today, pivot and pick another one.

After a while, most “tools” run in the background once they are established. Things like surrounding myself with my writing friends, keeping up with my daily streak, and listening to the album I conditioned myself with don’t require any energy, and they still remain hugely beneficial.

Do you have any other techniques? I’d love to hear about them!

I hope this was useful. Happy writing!

[memesnotdreams]

amen to not being treated like a child. i ramble, forget things, or just can't string a sentence together which i try to laugh off...which then comes off as extremely ditzy i guess. not a day goes by where i don't wonder if people are just humoring me talking about work and i'm secretly the office mascot.

My doctor and therapist: now with this autism + ADHD diagnosis you need to learn to unmask because masking all the time will make you burn out again and feel like shit

Other people: well it's just interesting how after getting the diagnosis you suddenly start behaving like that I mean I'm not saying you're faking it's just funny how you suddenly cannot be normal like you were before

[memesnotdreams]

a single lightbulb swings over head

my adhd brain with the work day tied to a chair: you begin and end when i say u do

[memesnotdreams]

anyone else feel like they are having to gentle parent their own parents through their adult problems? " haha life is just a lot, isn't it? mortgages are a lot of responsibility! i know the decisions you are having to make in this economy are hard, but waiting won't do you any favors. now what i want is for you to come up with three action items for organizing your finances, and afterwards we can get ice cream, my treat. you're doing great sweetie." *pat pat*.

this is me on the phone with my mom allll the time. idk why i am even sharing this other than to vent--i have no idea what i'm doing because she did the bare minimum raising me and now i'm treating her like my eight year old coming to me with a boo boo??? mother, the boo boo is you back on your bullshit as usual, living a life i can't have because you need help paying your bills, with the added fun of having to tip toe around everything because "hey i'm the parent, you can't tell me what to do". what the actual fuck my guy---

ope, she's calling again.

"yes mother, you did your best. what, no, of course i am grateful for all the suffering you did for me and this has not left me with crippling guilt. naturally, you bear no responsibility for the situation you are in, and you are a martyr for choosing struggle. it is everyone else who is wrong. sure, i am happy to help you sort through all of your feelings, even though you and i both know this won't stick. what? oh no, i was just saying 'you are the smartest and best little parent in the whole world'...."

[memesnotdreams]

i laughed far too loud at this