ohgodthemadness

[ohgodthemadness]

this place will be a dusty relic- for now. perhaps to be unearthed someday, perhaps not. thanks for listening.

[ohgodthemadness]

reasoning.

it's okay. he's going to be okay.

there is no him. it's just us.

there is no us. it's just you.

it's just me.

[ohgodthemadness]

there aren't so many words within me today. perhaps i swept them up while cleaning last night. it's quiet and desolate in my mind, so i sit by the open window and let the wind circle round me. it's nice to have something to feel.

[ohgodthemadness]

it occurs to me now that i am the most isolated i have ever been. i am keeping secrets, concealing things from people for their own wellbeing.

"yes, i would love to go to university eventually." i say while avoiding his eyes- because if they look into mine, he may realise i intend to kill myself in less than four months and signing up to university is an impossible and pointless endeavour in that case.

it's absolutely soul-destroying to be so alone, to only live your truth in secret. i am not honest with anyone anymore. and the scars on my arms are an apt showing of that emotional strife.

i am soothed only by the thought that in four months time, on my twenty-fifth birthday, i will be bleeding out on a beach, on my way to either a better existence, or a complete lack of one.

[ohgodthemadness]

the poetry has gone from me. it has all leaked out of me, as from a fountain pen. i am empty now, wordless. i think i am finished. i think this play is over.

i will say "goodnight" to the empty stands, and i will lie down for the last time.

[ohgodthemadness]

you're one of my closest friends. what have i done to be afforded such an honour? you make the best of friends. i have done nothing to deserve this. i have provided you with nothing; only soaked up your love.

[ohgodthemadness]

there are so many songs that make me think of him, but i can never say so because they are written about lovers. platonic love is so difficult to communicate. i can't tell him i love him because it will be misunderstood.

[ohgodthemadness]

i see myself going mad. i recognise i'm insane. i watch myself flip over the rug with the eyes that are staring at me and know it is nonsense. i know i am crazy. i'm watching myself drown and have no means to stop it.

[ohgodthemadness]

"I will only break your pretty things.

I will only wring you dry of everything."

— Tongues & Teeth, The Crane Wives

[ohgodthemadness]

i tried for her, i was honest for her, i washed and put away my knife for her. and she exploded into tears at my honesty.

she doesn't want me. she wants my lies, my dishonest stability. it doesn't matter how i am, as long as she cannot see the blood.

[ohgodthemadness]

it's nice to have feelings again. i'd say it was well worth the withdrawals. i cried yesterday. i am crying again now. i am still deeply unhappy, of course. but not so numb. i am alive.

i was just thinking about how beautiful it would be if i died in this moment. it's so cold and dark, and the breeze is holding me together just perfectly. i'd love to fade away like this. i wish i could.

[ohgodthemadness]

i'd forgotten all about these flowers i'd pressed into my copy of mary shelley's frankenstein. such a beautiful rediscovery.

[ohgodthemadness]

it is absurd to me that anyone would seek out my presence.

[ohgodthemadness]

i am turning rotten. going bad. i am keeping secrets and telling lies. i am doing things that will cause harm. he is the only one who can know my truth, but he won't stop me, because he is rotten too.

[ohgodthemadness]

all my life, i've suffered with the overwhelming sensation that i am a performer on a stage, and have misplaced my script. or perhaps, i never received my lines at all.

everyone is waiting for me to speak, but i don't know what i'm supposed to say.

[ohgodthemadness]

in meeting him i made the most important discovery of my life- i am not the only one.

[ohgodthemadness]

yesterday, i slipped away from college during class and went to stand in a nearby field. i needed some quiet. there were two red kites circling overhead, watching me. don't they prey on carrion? they know i am already dead. and although they simply covet my decaying flesh, it is nice to be wanted.