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Gratitude

I'm having a feeling or a moment of gratitude for the experience of unrequited love. The reason I'm grateful is because the unrequited love means I can be released and the so-called void that is left that he's not filling can be filled with myself. The unrequited love feels not-great but we need to feel the not-great to be able to feel that great. My ego would have me hate him. But my heart thanks him graciously. My ego reminds me that he's a habit; that's all. My heart reminds me that I'm love. I'm all the love I need.

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All that you have ever been, if you are just okay with being that, it is enough.

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When will I be good enough?

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Yknow, anything I imagine that someone is thinking of me, is made up in my own head. And changeable moment to moment with my mood, and my own view of myself. So I'm just gonna let that go, as much as possible.

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This sunshine is so warm, lovely and needed.

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Fix the problem.

Feeling down and feeling the dark clouds are not the problem. The challenge is the problem. Fix the problem.

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Power

I don't need your approval, until- I decide that you have the power to give me that.

And I gave that to you, with the decision that your value of me is important. Maybe more so than my own. It's like a power frenzy, smoke and mirrors, placing it outside of myself.

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Habits

Feeling self conscious. One of the Xxxxxx made a comment about me being a walking encyclopaedia. It made me think if he was mocking me or not. I've felt like that with him once before. Both times, Xxxxx has been around and I've felt like they must see me as below par. Perhaps Xxxxx being there wouldn't have made a difference. Perhaps they would have thought that anyway. I'm not as in touch with reality as I think I am. I don't pick up on things as quickly as others. Don't have/know the words to express myself. I don't have enough drive to learn as much as others, only what I need to. I get frustrated when I don't understand something. I lash out, which makes me childish. My knowledge is and remains limited. Within conversation, I deflect and try to manage conversations. I react quickly. I overreact, positively and negatively, to so much. Most things don't need the reaction I give it. Most things I don't care about as much as I portray. The thought of it makes me want to remove myself from group situations. I will remind myself to try and hold back to a degree and react appropriately. I would like to create a new habit for myself.

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Motivation

I've always wanted to get in really good shape. Look my best. I'm a bit of a narcissist.

My biggest hurdle has been that I've never had the motivation to stick to a fitness regime. Until this morning. 

This morning was different because I realised that I didn't care enough about what I looked like. With my current motivators being wanting to look 'good' and 'attractive' (but it's so subjective, isn't it?!) I know that I'll look at myself again in 6 months time and have the same thoughts... "I still haven't achieved that goal. I wonder if I ever will." 

My biggest motivator in life at the moment is to keep my mind as healthy as possible. To be in control of my thoughts. I will feel 1000 times better about achieving a goal and having inner peace, than I will about being toned. 

My motivator for getting into shape is that I don't want to have the same useless thoughts about myself in 6 months time. I will be disciplined and put effort into working out because I care about my mental state. 

My motivator is to workout for my mind. Working out is an investment in my peace. 

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In the words of Prince, "Sometimes, a man can't find the words to express all that he feels inside, but every so often, the words of another seem to work out fine." 

Maya Angelou had a way with words. I can't get enough. I only feel enlightened. 

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Mantra

All the peace you’ll ever need in your entire life is already in you right now.