playingkoii

[playingkoii]

This is the mood I want to embody for the rest of 2020. 

[playingkoii]

I’m king of the clouds, I get lifted...

I find myself looking for an outlet lately, and the first thing that comes to mind is always to write. Whether in a notebook with some cool gel pens (yes, gel pens) or on my shitty Lenovo laptop, I’ve been inspired to write. 

Write what?

That’s an excellent question! Obviously there’s enough buzz going on in my brain that I’m compelled to express, but where do I start? How do I organize this hive-mind? Maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’m not actually supposed to have everything figured out and categorized and stored away neatly in my conscious filing cabinet. Perhaps if I just close my eyes and type... 

I feel the need to be honest all of the time. Some say it’s an admirable quality, others say it’s dangerous. I believe it to be both. “Honesty is the best policy” is a motto I’ve lived by for many years. I’d always thought of it as not lying to other people, always telling them the truth when they ask for my opinion. Now that I’m older and wiser (ha!) I’m realizing it is more important to be honest with myself, first and foremost. How am I feeling? What do I truly think about such-and-such? Am I actually making the healthiest decisions for my life? The truth can be absolutely brutal. The honest answers to those questions can make my stomach flip, sometimes. However, growth comes from self awareness. It comes from taking a good, hard look at what you’ve been allowing to happen in your life and determining whether you should continue down the same path, or choose a different route. You cannot grow, or change, or blossom if you’re dishonest with the person that matters most- you. 

Although I recommend waiting until Mercury is out of retrograde before standing in front of the mirror and grilling yourself about your innermost workings. It’s a terrible time for communication! 

Two of the most difficult lessons to learn is how to be patient with yourself, and how to be kind to yourself. Because you cannot learn these skills until you’re put into a situation where you must use them. This means there will be times when you are so annoyed with yourself for something you’ve said/done, or you could just beat yourself up over certain thoughts you’ve had or for procrastinating. These situations are practice tests, to polish your ability to treat yourself with the same patience and kindness that you would treat others with. Be open to these tests, and take them as opportunities to show yourself some care and respect. 

Well, I guess I found something to write about, afterall! My thoughts are definitely still scattered, but I believe that if I continue to write them down, they’ll sort themselves out of their knots eventually. 

[playingkoii]

you should’ve killed me when you had the chance.

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

The Story So Far - High Regard

[playingkoii]

Kinda hungry kinda horny kinda tired kinda wanna get a tattoo

[playingkoii]

may we attract people with genuine intentions.

[playingkoii]

today was bad.

and by “bad,” I mean awful. and by “awful,” I mean absolutely fucking terrible. usually I hate to complain because it leads me nowhere, but today was an exception. just one thing after another, after another, after another. for intuitive as I am, I should’ve seen this coming. I should’ve seen a lot of things coming, I guess. 

it’s never fun to have a panic attack in front of a coworker. it’s also never fun to have a panic attack in front of your coworker and YOUR BOSS. I know she didn’t mean to trigger me, and I was actually surprised at myself for reacting the way that I did. all she said was, “girl, do you still have all of your stuff in bags?! don’t you have a dresser yet?! you gotta get your stuff together!!!” in that moment, all I could do was think about the fact that I had been dumped three weeks ago and forced to move back into my mother’s home. hence why all of my belongings are still in bags, strewn about the living room. I burst into tears and that was it; I absolutely lost control of my emotions and I could not stop myself from being consumed by them. poor girl, she felt so guilty for getting me worked up. I did my best to explain that it was not her fault at all, that I was just having an incredibly weak moment. thank God for her kind nature, as she offered to give me the rest of the day off. on top of that, she gave me a ride home. I swear, I could not be more grateful for the people that I work with. they are angels in disguise, even if they do accidentally send me into a downward spiral. 

of course once I got home and knew that I was completely alone, I allowed myself to let out everything I had been feeling. the tears, the screams, the gut-wrenching sounds of heartache all escaped me. have you ever been so hurt, so broken that you can literally feel your chest bursting with pain? I wouldn’t wish that sensation on my worst enemy. it amazes me how something mental/emotional can manifest itself in such physical ways. if you HAVE experienced that, I’m sorry for you. on top of feeling like my chest was being ripped open, I’ve been really sick the past couple of days. I can’t breathe through my nose and my whole face feels like a balloon. I’m positive all of the crying did not help. I do think the stress of my sickness, plus the medicine I’ve been taking, on top of all of the recent stressors I’ve had in my life over the course of the last few weeks, has made me more emotional. maybe not more emotional, but definitely less in control of myself and my reactions to things. 

all I wanted to do was text him. I wanted to text him to tell him how much I miss him, and have him return a similar message to me. I wanted him to know how lonely I am, how heartbroken I’ve been over all of this, how all I want is to be back in his bed sleeping next to him every night. I wanted to text him to ask him why. why wasn’t I enough? why, after two years, did he decide he didn’t love me anymore? why does it seem like he’s thriving without me around? 

why was I not enough? 

I didn’t text him. as badly as I wanted to, I didn’t. somewhere deep in my mind, logic took hold and made realize that by sending that text message, I would only be causing myself further pain and agony. did I really want to do that to myself? aren’t I supposed to be looking out for myself? protecting myself? I had many, many weak moments today. but I am so proud of being strong enough to not give in to my urges. I’ve never been one to put my own needs first. I am very used to caring for others, with me being my last priority. but today, I subconsciously saved myself. how about that? 

today was bad. incredibly bad. tomorrow will be better. 

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

Angela Mazzanti

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

so fucking me.

[playingkoii]

[playingkoii]

(Source)

[playingkoii]