pretty-volatile

[pretty-volatile]

Monday 3-17-25 12:15 am

Yeesh there's a lot going on in my head right now. It's been a while since I've journaled in this way, especially on here. I've been on reddit in certain groups pertaining head stuff lets call it rn. I also follow fun stuff too, but these groups have been very helpful. Although I can definitely tell when it's not for my own mental sake. I might hyper fixate and get lost in it. I drew back for a while. And I don't check those as often. I mean I still look at the posts on my feed, but I feel like I'm lurking less lol. It was for reassurance. (But sometimes seeing how people are to each other I just don't understand)... I realize I keep going through denial and forgetting and then getting overwhelmed when I'm hit with flashback(s). I'm definitely noticing the pattern of going through an overwhelming situation or stressful situations and then there's patterned actions/behaviors/reactions that happen after or during the time period. The problem is that it's so hard to figure it out while it's happening, like I can feel it but I kinda can't do anything about it cause I don't have all that much control? I try very hard to keep them as inside when it's times that it could create outside conflict, but sometimes I'm so exhausted.

Ugh train of thought got diverted. I'm high so walls are down. As I said there's a lot going on. Um the thing I think I wanted to mention was I'm reading/listening to The Haunted Self, the book about structural dissociation and chronic traumatization. I know it's a lil outdated and quotes the DSM IV which isn't up to date on DID and OSDD1, but the core concepts are relatable and I'm hoping that it'll help me understand myself better. I still don't have the ability to see a therapist/psychologist about all of this, but that doesn't mean the problem goes away just because I don't have access. So I have to figure shit out for that sake of myself (and my partner). In the meantime I've been watching the CTAD clinic, love that channel. I've been doing my own research. I've been going onto certain reddit groups, and like not all interactions are bad but I can tell it can be bad for me sometimes with how it makes me feel afterwards? I guess yes I was seeking some validation but mostly in a trying to relate to others and have a sense of community because a while ago people were always positive/helpful. But now with the heightened awareness of DID I notice that people respond in a certain kind of way and I get it but maybe I try to always present myself in a kind manner on the internet so I don't understand when people are rude (I'm autistic lol).

I was going to keep typing but there's so many thought trails I can't keep up nor can I stick to one lol I love it though. It just sucks to type it out~

I thought I knew our collective pretty well but knowing about their stats so speak is different than identifying them while it's happening. So I've been trying to be open to communication and trying to be aware of the cues and telling who's who and when (hopefully). But I feel like they really don't want to be known especially when our partner notices the differences. It causes a freeze, fight, flight, or pretend to be someone they're not response. It can feel very awkward internally though too lol and I'd bet they try to shove someone they like to the front. The thing is, I KNOW there's a lot going on in my head but I'm oftentimes totally blocked off, dissociated from it. It might not be until trauma triggers or positive activation happens that I get access to some of the other thoughts/traumas/information.

Also last Sunday, the 9th, I got bit by a dog :'( I didn't do anything wrong and it hurt me in a sense of I'm usually great with animals why did this happen? But it did break skin and I got a big bruise. Maybe the size of a lemon/small orange? It's still healing. There's always a part of me that romanticizes the bruising bc of how pretty it looks and lol traumacore , but then I get really sad because I was super dissociated when it happened and I wasn't as cautious afterwards. But then I'm faced with physical reminder while it heals. It did really fucking hurt when it happened but then immediately as I started walking some of the pain was dissociating away which I feel bad because I know that had to go somewhere. But then I started feeling the bruising and the way it felt when I moved (I stand/walk when I work). I still don't feel I remember it all too well but I know I recounted it to my coworkers right after and to my partner so that helps me remember because it's not remembering the event but instead what I said if that makes sense. But sometimes I can still 'see' the events.

Also, no offense it's just my trauma, fuck St. Patrick's Day! (I had an alcoholic abusive parent) I will be dissociating soooo much today but I also have to cut a friend's hair which will be fun.

Okay I think I got out all I could. If you read all of this, wow you're brave. Here's a sticker ⭐ bye~

[pretty-volatile]

Saturday, November 9, 2024 2:34 pm

So I'm out of the super bad part of being sick now I think, and I've noticed that I'm not as sleepy as before, just relaxed enough to not like push myself per say, but definitely not randomly passing out. I think dream alter takes over when sick and now that I'm not as sick, I don't feel him close. But I'm trying to still pay attention to dreams. The dreams haven't been too bad since I last reported. Last night was one of those amusement park type dreams. Not as easy to remember when waking up, just have this vague notion and a couple flashes. Been waking up "startled" or "jump started" so to speak. Not like with a fuck ton of energy but just enough to not fall back asleep. Okay well with one 15-20 min snooze, but then I for sure get up haha. The last alter I felt close was the one I saw in my dream. I'm not sure if he's been trying to help me be productive as I've been sick/dragging things on. But I also know I'm already starting to stress out for the holidays, which I realize is when I dissociate the most. Generally have the DPDR feeling here and there. I've also been paying attention to music/playlists/genres I'm listening to as they tend to show/trigger who might be influencing/nearby. Sometimes I like to imagine cute music videos with the alters expressing themselves. It's very cute and I like seeing them happy and having fun. There's been some powerful ones that have made me cry too. I guess I'm not in super trauma mode since I don't feel as compelled to document my trauma, but I hope I'm not just dissociating it away. It's real, and I accept it as truth that happened to me, but it's not always something I can be focused on since it takes a lot of mental energy. Also was weird to experience being sick and not smoking weed all that much because I still felt the dream alter and such while sober and sick, but when I would get high, I would feel very floaty and dissociated. Sometimes it would feel like ah yes finally and sometimes it would feel like ah fuck I wasn't ready. Idk just trying to keep track of things so I don't dissociate everything away.

[pretty-volatile]

Monday, November 4, 2024 2:07 pm

Interesting dream change up last night. I think the first part was maybe at a cabin/lake? And then there's this fire pit BBQ part. But the most memorable part was this: so I guess because I was scrolling through my insta IRL before bed, one of my exes showed up in my dream. From the fire bbq pit, I remember walking over to a house that I recognized to be hers, and I think it was moreso to be investigative, not that I was trying to get back with her. But her siblings and grandparents were there (her, her mom and dad were gone). I remember her younger siblings being excited to see me and they didn't mind that I was there I guess. IRL I have her and her family blocked so I think the point was to try to see what she had been up to, so I started snooping around. The siblings thought I was trying to get back with the ex and I firmly said no. Then flash forward to another family member that came home and they were yelling at the grandparents for letting me in because she recognized who I was. I think I was trying to hide/get away, but then shortly after I see my ex. I was being friendly and cordial. She was upset and thrown off, she knew what I knew, that i needed to avoid her parents because they would be pissed if I was there (irl they didn't like me cause im trans and they're religious and I was a bad influence). But then she started fawning and flirting with me and that felt weird. I remember being like I'm not here for that or like I was thinking I'm not gonna cheat on my current irl partner. I remember getting my shit together and when I was leaving, I turned back to my ex and she's laughing and chatting with someone, someone that looks like ....... One of our alters?????? Alex?????? I wasn't mad they were talking per say, but I was thrown off because I've never seen/recognized another alter in a dream before??? But it had to be because one moment I was the one that was talking to her and then I turn back and this guy looks just like Alex, so it must be, right? I'm a lil hurt that he was talking to her but I'm more happy that I got to see him. But also surprised? I'm just blown away.

[pretty-volatile]

Saturday, November 2, 2024 8:52 am

Just to keep track of dreams

The night before, the setting was switched up again. It was like a car factory/welding shop? But like huge and mostly was going to the back corner that had like loving quarters for the employees/their families? There was a part that it was me and my two IRL coworkers were looking for a room to smoke 🍃 in. Then I remember coming back to it but this time I felt like a child because the adults were looking at me as an orphan or abandoned or like with sad sympathy? Related to childhood neglect. I remember there was a part where a mom and her kids were going there and was trying to get a job there or find a husband and she spent the last of her money on burgers & buns to cook up and impress everyone that worked there. I remember helping carry things but idk if I was an adult, THE adult, a child, or a 3rd POV just watching it all. There's some other bits that kept coming back to the setting but I don't remember right this second.

Then just now when I woke up from accidental nap .... It was a dream that I've been to before and it's my partner and I on vacation. Before it was a foreign hostel type situation, but this time customs didn't seem THAT different but it was def the same place. But it's like a suite that has a room or two plus kitchen/dining area. And it's always around whether do we have enough money to stay there, or to stay there longer. I remember going to a shop in a plaza with them and I remember saying to my partner hey haven't we been here or at least at this area but maybe it was a different shop? And then we go in and try some stuff on but then leave. Then somewhere between the shop and going back to the hostel either we were accused of financial fraud or involved in a murder? There was also a part where they thought we were only staying a couple days but I had told them that we had booked for a week/week and a half. My partner and I were trying to kiss some major ass so that the owners wouldn't think that we did anything wrong or to like buy us time until they found out what was wrong. I also remember a part where I somewhat successfully drove/parked? Or at least I had more control than I usually so in a dream. My grandparents were visiting us and bringing us for or something? I remember a different part of the overall dream being in a house that looked similar to childhood country house, once again it was just my partner and I in the house.

Idk both these dreams def have that thin line of this would never happen, but also just enough pieces of reality in it to question if it was. I don't think I was lucid as in having control over the dream itself, but it was like I was an active participant so to speak? Both these dreams make it hard to wake up/come back to real life because of the realism and like I lived a whole as portion in my dream. And makes me feel very blurry when I wake up too, like it's been hard for me to remember dreams once I wake up but when I wake up like this, blurry, it's easier to recall bits and pieces. But when I wake up blurry, I seem to be easy to switch? Like it's easy to snap/become emotional/agitated.

[pretty-volatile]

Thursday, October 31, 2024 12:07 am

So it worked, he did change the scenery, BUT no it was not fun. It was still a lil stressful. An old relationship person was in my dream and I was like nu-huh! And left that part of the dream. It was adventurous, I'll give him that.

Wednesday, October 30, 2024 3:16 am

After acknowledging our sleep/dream alter, I started to try to pay attention to my dreams more/there's always a moment I realize it's a dream and then wake up, or like there's a moment where my eyes are still closed but I realize I'm dreaming but then I wake up? But anyway, there's now been 2 times in my dreams that having DID had come up. Which is honestly a huge deal. I do take my dreams very seriously and I know that they reflect my conscious and subconscious and if that's starting to accept it enough to show up in dreams then that means I'm accepting or aware of it enough or it's important enough to show up in dreams. But like, I wish there were some of the fun ones again because I'm always having such stressful dreams that cause me to like pull myself out, I wish I knew how to bargain for some nice ones....like I'm assuming normal people have? Lolol. But like I am okay with dreams being a means of communication, I just hate being constantly stressed. I don't want to have to go back to like purposefully forget dreams or not be aware of them. They used to be so important and then for a while I was like I was just blinking asleep and then waking up, or like waking up startled. Or feel like I got no sleep at all. But now I'm recognizing I'm dreaming, briefly becoming aware, and then I either wake myself up or I'm forced to be lucid in a dream/nightmare that I don't want to be in or don't know what's going on.

[pretty-volatile]

Wednesday, October 30, 2024 3:16 am

After acknowledging our sleep/dream alter, I started to try to pay attention to my dreams more/there's always a moment I realize it's a dream and then wake up, or like there's a moment where my eyes are still closed but I realize I'm dreaming but then I wake up? But anyway, there's now been 2 times in my dreams that having DID had come up. Which is honestly a huge deal. I do take my dreams very seriously and I know that they reflect my conscious and subconscious and if that's starting to accept it enough to show up in dreams then that means I'm accepting or aware of it enough or it's important enough to show up in dreams. But like, I wish there were some of the fun ones again because I'm always having such stressful dreams that cause me to like pull myself out, I wish I knew how to bargain for some nice ones....like I'm assuming normal people have? Lolol. But like I am okay with dreams being a means of communication, I just hate being constantly stressed. I don't want to have to go back to like purposefully forget dreams or not be aware of them. They used to be so important and then for a while I was like I was just blinking asleep and then waking up, or like waking up startled. Or feel like I got no sleep at all. But now I'm recognizing I'm dreaming, briefly becoming aware, and then I either wake myself up or I'm forced to be lucid in a dream/nightmare that I don't want to be in or don't know what's going on.

[pretty-volatile]

Saturday, October 12, 2024 2:28 am

It's that time again....but we always go through this it seems like. We forget and then it starts coming back, but just in snippets here in there. Never a big cohesive picture. We thought we used to know everything but it seems like we can't remember what we used to or are always rediscovering what we already knew, but we know there's so much more. We knew this was going to happen, this is always such a heavy month for us, truly. We joke about what we've been through, but it's really just sad. The pain we still hold. The hurt. The fear. We don't have time to let it wash over us, but we feel like have to know, and we want to know everything. But we know that would open doors we aren't ready. We want to track dreams, they used to be so important and were definitely a way of communication, but what would get scary is when we felt lucid or like it was real. It's a lot to take on and we think that's why that door had to close for a while, but we're not sure if we should open it again. It's a lot to take in. We're feeling drifty. We know we've been through a lot in our childhood, and honestly we can see why we had to dissociate so much. It's just so sad. It makes us angry too. But we don't talk to that abuser and we've yelled at her before. But we're still so so angry that we couldn't stand up for ourselves sooner. But it wasn't safe. Not unless we knew our other parent was ready for us....or even wanted us....we tried to escape for real but it didn't work, which is what this time has been, and it's the time that so much other stuff has been and that makes us remember other stuff. We never got to talk to a therapist about our trauma, we've always had to dissociate it, somehow it was our problem to take care on our own and that we should just move past it, that we just weren't trying hard enough in everything we did. But this stuff is somewhat easier to remember than the even younger stuff. And sometimes we get really scared when we try to think of that time because there's only snippets of somewhat happy things we can remember, but when we think about what could have happened and how our body reacts, it scares us. No wonder why we feel so disconnected from our body. It's just a vessel, an object, a tool. To be used by others, in whatever way. *Sighs*

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 6:14 am

I haven't posted in a looongg time lol. There's quite a bit to catch up on. Um firstly yay, October! My favorite holiday is coming up! And my 9 year anniversary with my amazing partner ❤️🍾🥂🌹🎉 but also, lol one of trauma times is coming up and actual Halloween does have a trauma past too, but I've moved on enough/dissociated that enough that I don't have current play by play memory of it, just the facts, of both traumas. But it's something to keep in mind to make sure no one gets triggered out in a negative way.

Okay so here's to the juicy part of this .......what if ......it was OSDDID the whole time????? Just hear me out okay......

Autism: okay yes, we have it, and it may have even contributed to the osddid tbh. But like once I started to pay attention to our ism, I think we were addressing the negative symptoms that some of the alters were experiencing/made it less likely to dissociate/switch/shutdown etc. therefore those alters feel heard/accommodated that we don't feel those as much/they don't influence as much. Obvsly autism applies to the whole collective (we call it that), but some alters can hold more or less traits/symptoms. Also sometimes the stimming feels like it's our little (v autistic) and teen that def has ADHD.

ADHD: do we all experience ADHD like our teen does? Hmm I'm not sure, I feel though the possibility that a lot of my executive dysfunction is more related to there being no communication betweens us and being able to remember what it is that we need to do or needing certain alters to do certain tasks/chores/responsibilities/areas of focus. But like it's cool that we see the usefulness of hyperfixations/positive obsessions that can bring someone out that needs to get shit done.

BPD: not all of us deal with BPD traits. It seems to be concentrated in relationship alters/sexual alters/trauma holders. There's def one maybe two that we can think of right away that this applies to. But the self harm etc def applies to persecutor/abuser introject. Fp obsessions can also be mostly attributed to a certain body queen after that also seems to be a sexual alter/relationship trauma holders that need someone new to latch on to

Bipolar w/ psychosis: alright this one's gonna be hard but head me out okay....our strong moods were attached to a certain way of thinking, behaving, our perspective on things, likes/interests, and it would always change with stress and with trauma and when we didn't keep up a routine, these things can also be explained by us alters.....and my psychosis, while I def have hallucinated and I have experienced delusional thinking, but also ....the hallucinations and the delusions had more to do with not feeling like the world around is real (derealization) or feeling like I'm not real or like this isn't my body (depersonalization), and some of my delusions could also be explained by other alters and being confused while fronting because they were also experiencing dpdr......

OCD: def struggle with obsessions and compulsions, However, starting to wonder is ocd was more just a defense barrier to discovering that we're a collective...like some intrusive thoughts could be an alter in the headspace, And some could be intrusive thoughts of that after but a diff alter is fronting so they can ignore it bc it's not theirs but if co-con or co fronting then it can affect both. But a lot of intrusive thoughts about things that we've fucked up on and it's basically probably an alter reminding the other alters to not fuck up again bc it's important to keep things cohesive and consistent and if we must double check triple check everything that's done so it's done right so we don't have to explain why we don't fucking remember what happened or why we did something because there amnesia between us sometimes and it takes a whole for information to boot up. But it's also like our OCD kept guiding us in other directions(diagnoses) that did address some alters' concerns without acknowledging that it belonged to a particular alter's concern or that we're a collective etc

Eating disorder: a lot of this is tied to the physical neglect we went through and we're fairly certain that a certain alters, maybe the little, is the one that does the eating, and the rest of us dissociate the need in order to survive bc we have tummy issues sometimes and don't always have enough food or time to eat or other alters don't like how stomach feels after eating and have to move around a lot. Usually have to smoke weed in order to bring out the hunger signals and the alter so we can eat. We're so proud of ourselves in our expansion of foods we eat that we wouldn't have eaten before meeting our partner. But also a lot of the discomfort with the body came from trauma, but also depersonalization/dysmorphia/dysphoria(gender too) that came with it....hard when the body doesn't match with how an alter looks in headspace. Hard not to take it out in the body when the body has been so often critiqued, objectified, perceived by others when we do not wish it.

cPTSD: well this is a no brainer, if you have ongoing trauma/abuse, that's gonna cause cPTSD and if you have it at a young enough age, you're gonna get osddid. So I mean, we know this to be a fact

Dyslexia/dysgraphia: feeling dissociative when trying to focus and be present but also math and writing is so often associated with school and school of course required certain alters/split to trauma holders so can't remember all that right now. Also sometimes gonna have messy handwriting when there's a lot going on in headspace that can't always translate to the external wold

Dissociative amnesia: ADHD time blindness? Or in dissociative trance? Or unable to remember what another alter did/thought/felt/reasonings for so or not feeling emotionally connected with it between diff alters? Sometimes can remember things, sometimes can't, sometimes can remember as simply a fact but not necessarily something that they did their self

Denial: sometimes it's so easy to accept all this and it just makes sense and we've been like this the whole time but we're always scared of being wrong --> punishment so it's hard to accept sometimes. Also it's like in headspace and when high, it's like well duh we're multiple, but when some of us try to talk out loud high or not, it's really hard to accept because another alter makes us think we're crazy and we feel guilt and shame and embarrassed and it can feel like hot steel blade in our throat and like we physically can't talk about or like the dyslexia thing happens were shit gets jarbled up

Dreams and affect on sleep?: diff alters have diff themes that they dream and some of us don't dream/don't remember ours/experience someone else's dream. Recognition of what scenario one is in has lead to lucid experiences almost always. Though interesting to note, not sure if alters seen each other in dreams, sometimes is like one is watching the others as a movie or like they're in a VR (lucid dreaming). Types of dreams and how we wake up/who it is that's front when we wake up can kinda change the trajectory of the day. There are some days when an alter goes to sleep, a diff alter dreams, the other alters has no recollection when startled awake and it feels like that alter didn't sleep but also may not necessarily feel tired. Or certain dreams feel so real or so exhausting that we're so tired and keep falling back asleep cause it feels like we didn't rest

We've been contemplating whether we're multiple/plural for a while now, since at least 2019, and it came back to our awareness back in fall of 2023. For a while it was like, is this just a delusion? Is it the ocd? And it hasn't gone away and things are starting to click and we're kinda starting to get to know each other more/communicate in whatever way we can with the minimal awareness we have

It feels scary but incredible at the same time to acknowledge this, and we've been paying attention to the dissociation more kinda. It's hard to write and this is long enough.

Talk to you later,

Alex

[pretty-volatile]

Spectrum of overwhelm, now in triangle form due to popular demand

[Image description: A triangle chart titled, ‘Spectrum of Overwhelm.’ The three points are ‘404 Error,’ showing a person with an empty thought bubble; ‘wet beast,’ showing a person sweating and sobbing; and ‘rage beast’ showing a person clenching their fists in an outline of orange fire. The peak is the ‘404 error’ vertex, and the inside of the triangle here is coloured beige and labelled, ‘shutdown.’ The lower half is labelled ‘meltdown’ and is red on the rage beast side and blue on the wet beast side. \End description]

[pretty-volatile]

[pretty-volatile]

“I worry that my friends will misunderstand my silence as a lack of love, or interest, instead of a tent city built for my own mind.”

Tarfia Faizullah, from "Poem Full of Worry Ending with My Birth," published in Poem-a-Day

[pretty-volatile]

"u look tired" dawg i'm going insane

[pretty-volatile]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[pretty-volatile]

all my love to mostly and fully bedbound people. i feel like we're often left out of even disability conversations and advocacy, much less the wider world. we are full, real, complex people like anyone else. we deserve love, support, connection, and the ability to live the fullest life we can under the circumstances

[pretty-volatile]

I feel like we don’t talk enough about how having chronic illness and/or chronic pain makes you irritable. It makes you grumpy. It can make you a not very fun person to be around. 

We don’t talk enough about the ugly sides of chronic illness/pain. The parts where you feel like a bad person not because of the pain in of itself but because everyone else thinks you are pushing them away. The times when you don’t bear it like a saint and the roughest edges of your personality come out. Where maybe you do hurt other people’s feelings. Its a complicated side of the experience thats resists an easy answer. 

[pretty-volatile]

[pretty-volatile]

served my duty as an autistic artist and made a bunch of autism creature reaction images