sunflowerswritingss

[sunflowerswritingss]

unknown

i live in moments yet to come.

that hovering cloud on the horizon,

the unknown.

i count every single egg before it hatches.

too afraid of the potential reaction,

i mull over and over every combination.

pre-meditated, every action.

typed out and memorised, every conversation.

i live in fear of the ‘what if’.

assuming the worst,

i sink into worry.

anger, fear, dread, consume me.

i seperate myself, step in and around

scattered debris

of relationships i murder in a

violent, maddening spree.

i’m too afraid of losing,

so instead i never own.

i’m so afraid of loneliness,

but i am cursed to remain alone.

- sunflower

- 2025

image taken on pentax espio 115m in january 2023

naples, italy

[sunflowerswritingss]

lyrics for a friend

I’m a bit unsure

about what to feel

anymore.

And it,

seems to me,

that I’m alone.

Stuck in the unknown.

And there are chains that hold me down.

That tether me to this unholy ground.

I’m just so confused with it all.

I’m just so fed up.

For once I’d like to live my truth.

Know what love feels like,

truly experience my youth.

I am sick of being stuck behind glass doors,

God, I just want something more.

I want, need, to feel more.

For once, I’d like the world to stop.

To hear me scream.

I’ve had

fucking enough.

I want to feel more.

I want, need, to feel more

- sunflower

- written in 2021

image taken on pentax espio 115m in august 2023.

kaurna land.

[sunflowerswritingss]

An Open Letter

From....

I do not mean to push you all away.

But I am so sorry.

I do not mean to tell you every problem.

But I am so sorry.

I do not mean to be a burden.

But I am so sorry.

I do not mean to lie to you.

But I am so sorry.

I’ve lied for too long now.

I’m fine,

Can’t you see the cracks in the words?

wobbling, and wavering,

Can’t you hear my voice?

screeching, screaming, wailing for help,

Can’t you see how desperate I am?

I never meant to lie.

But how am I meant to tell you I’m not fine?

I never meant to lie.

But how can I show you the cuts and grazes?

I never meant to lie.

But how can I keep on living a life so numb?

I never meant to lie.

But how can I stop this overwhelming dread.

Lying is a vicious thing.

It is a smokescreen.

It is a mask.

It is a text message.

It is a cut.

It is me pretending I don’t care about you.

It is me thinking you care about me.

On the topic of Lies.

This is an open letter.

To all whom I have lied to,

This unstable sinner begs for penance.

For forgiveness,

For all the lies.

Dear........

- sunflower

- written 25/7/21

image taken on pentax espio 115m in july 2023

kaurna land

[sunflowerswritingss]

lone

tw: self harm mention

lonely yet suffocated.

staring through glass panes at a world

i cannot reach.

invisible hands grip my lungs and heart

in a vice grip.

i scream in ways no one can hear.

loneliness is vicious.

if only my razor could cut as deep.

- sunflower

- written 1/9/21

image taken on pentax espio 115m in january 2023

milan, italy

[sunflowerswritingss]

consuming

I think about you constantly.

It’s unhealthy and

Jealousy’s ugly,

But it consumes me.

Overwhelming.

And I, just keep thinking,

About what we could be.

- sunflower

- written 18/7/21

image taken on pentax espio 115m in february 2023

kaurna land

[sunflowerswritingss]

Free Palestine. Free Gaza. Free Rafah. Never stop talking about Palestine. Never stop thinking about Palestine. From the river to the sea Palestine will be free.

[sunflowerswritingss]

forwards

how do you mourn something that continues after you?

i am gone.

but it all remains. 

no longer am i involved in the day to day.

how do i process, this deep pain?

this fear, of being forgotten?

this yearning, for what i took for granted?

how do i move on?

how do i return when to return is strange,

like a new copy of a book from your childhood,

full of memories but unfamiliar to the touch.

how do i live my life when i keep one foot in the door,

too afraid of change.

how do i say goodbye,

but still have the courage to come back.

to say hello.

how do you honour someone’s memory when they are still alive,

when they are moving on with their life, while you’re stuck in the rearview mirror. 

when they are moving on with their life, just like you should be.

what’s normal about leaving and returning, and can someone please tell me.

- sunflower

- 10/12/22

image taken on pentax espio 115m

castello caserta

[sunflowerswritingss]

mother

i think my mother loves me

she sticks her hand out to save me as a car reverses suddenly out of the drive and she slams the brakes

i think she doesn’t love me

as she yells and cries because I’ve left a broom out and my clothes on the floor

but maybe that’s my fault for being lazy

does she miss the younger me?

i’m sorry i can’t clean my room mum

but all my energy is devoted to getting through this day alive

- sunflower

- 23/8/21

image taken on pentax espio 115m in february 2023

kaurna land

[sunflowerswritingss]

identity

am i really what i feel?

is everything i say,

or think i do

exaggerated or, contrived?

i worry,

so desperately

that no one believes what i'm going through.

that they think i am faking each tear and cut.

i worry that i am faking

that i am just, crying for attention.

that everything i am is made up,

fictionalised,

in order to please others so that i am pleased in myself.

do i have a sense of self?

am i living my destined truth?

or am i just looking for someone to cling on to,

forcing others to pity me.

do I even have an identity, or do I feed off of the world around me?

a starving vampire who sinks their fangs deep

into the flesh of the environment around them,

drinking in individual personalities in a cocktail of

misguided qualities.

forever resigned to an immortality

in which they never know who they truly

are meant to be.

- sunflower

- 21/4/21

image taken on pentax espio 115m in february 2023

benevento, campania, italy

[sunflowerswritingss]

tw: self harm, suicidal ideation

the scarlett letter

it is far too cold to try and kill myself tonight

i need all the blood I have to keep myself warm

she lingers in my head as i fight a biting breeze

red like the letter,

my arms and her have that in common

i yearn for her and i cry for her

i wish for things to revert back to the way they once were with her and

simultaneously i wish I never met her

(that is a bold faced lie)

she hates me and i despise her

i love and she looks down on me

she is my deepest shade

my classic tale

- the written sunflower 🌻

- 11/8/22

- photo taken on pentax espio 115mm, 8/7/23

- rundle street, tartanya

[sunflowerswritingss]

the struggle with description

and I see the world in such unleashed beauty

that unfortunately,

as much as I wish to be able to describe it,

the mediocrity of my talent hinders each

adjective and adverb,

as I try to describe the glory of the world and

how it looks through my eyes.

I am resigned to the fact that I will never

adequately convey just how

incredible the sight of city lights

makes me feel.

the wonder and intrigue of seeing

offices through the window of skyscrapers,

each cubicle a different story, a different person, a different life.

I will never be able to fully explain the

joy I feel at seeing autumn leaves and

tall trees mixing with a cloudy sky.

these moments, so often missed,

walked past.

this struggle with description, an insurmountable

feeling that

tightens my chest and takes my breath.

the feeling of being present in a world

where you are not sure of your place

or of who you are

or if you can go on.

but the feeling of seeing such beauty

and knowing there is, at least,

one thing that is good.

maybe that’s what life is worth living for

those little things.

- the written sunflower 🌻

- written on 14/3/2023

- photo taken on pentax asahi in the botanic gardens, kaurna land (6.3.2022)

[sunflowerswritingss]

significance

this is a day that has come

far far far too quickly

yet agonisingly slow

as all cliched days do

this is a day whose arrival looms

an old, battered train on a rickety track

clicking and clacking noisily

just loud enough to remind me that

it is near.

age is a befuddling thing

and this day is getting weary with the

weight of this inconceivable construct

because everything changes on this day

minor and inconsequential changes

but to me

they are major shifts in the tectonic plates

that make up the barren plain i call a brain

this day brings dread.

because when you never expected to see it

you overthink it.

every moment, everything people say to you

what they do, what you receive

because miraculously and

extremely reluctantly

you made it.

and as much as you don’t want to be here

and as much as you want to hide and scream

you crave that sweet affection that will placate

you for 5 minutes, until you start to think.

so happy birthday.

18 is not far away.

- the written sunflower 🌻

- 10/5/22

- photo taken in botanic gardens, kaurna land

- pentax asahi camera

[sunflowerswritingss]

back alleys

i lost my mates

in a back alley

on a night i can’t remember

they left me

to die

slowly and painfully

as I watched them walk away

move on

to them i was a courtesy

a check in

move on

forget

so they let me be lonely

and they let themselves forget

- the written sunflower 🌻

- 13/10/22

- photo taken in botanic gardens

- pentax asahi camera

[sunflowerswritingss]

the narrow path

i watch as people leave me

i walk a narrow footpath

behind them all

pushed to the back

not interesting enough for late night conversations or for lunches out

not liked enough to be asked to do things no I am the one who asks

a desperate jealous hand that claws at those who are one step ahead

maybe i can hang on to a coattail

be dragged reluctantly along the path of life

- the written sunflower 🌻

- photo taken in the botanic gardens in march on pentax asahi camera

12/10/22