#(super super vague and I started to shitpost the more I had to write )

[lausticzt-a]

my canon timeline consists of

The 57th Exterior Scouting Mission arc,

MPs trying to retain their hold on Eren and putting Laura as a representative to make sure the Survey Corp don't just run off with Eren should their expedition fail (they fucking right though-) because she's the only one with experience for the expeditions and titans ; and god does she hate that.

During the Female Titan arc., I think she's warmed up to Eren by this point. Because god does he remind her of herself, but also that rage of humanity and fight that she once held; though his more honourable then her previous self.

She wouldn't want him to be executed by then. She'd want to buy them more time to figure something out. They wouldn't tell her details of their plan, of course, because what happens in Stohess was inexcusable. God she'd be so unbelievably pissed and once again, her distain for the survey corps would rise; but she's also in too deep -- those remnants of her old self are back, and it's not so easily distinguished. She has loyalty in her heart for people she actually cares about.

Evacuation and the aftermath of the fight are where her priorities are redirected; because you know she'd want to kill the Titan herself, and its a battle of protecting people and fighting. But she also will support Niles decisions ; she was still an MP.

Clash of the Titans arc

The events in Wall Rose afterwards she's not involved in much ; not on the frontlines. Finding out Eren is kidnapped, she'd want to go -- because o h shit, that's right, she cares about these people now, because oh look she can actually show care for the soldiers younger then her ; she doesn't really care much that he's a titan and his role is important, he's just important as he is, human, with passion in his eyes and heart. ** on the fence whether she goes or stays with nile -

Royal Government arc

She would liaise with the Survey Corps behind MPs backs, because her heart was always with them; or rather, for her its no longer about sides, but doing what she feels is right to her.

She has such an active role when it comes to the nobles in the next arc. and especially the MPs. Because her actions aren't unnoticed. And her father has high connections in the government. First Interior Squad knows what's up. And also, the reveal of the anti-odm gear would be something she would never approve of ; for someone who'd criticise the survey corps, having things meant to take them out would make her protective. Even killing Erwin wasn't okay in her eyes ; and she has a lot to say about that man, and never anything pleasant.

If she tried to conceal Eren's location, or help the survey corps in any way, she'd out herself, and be seen as a traitor alongside them. She knows of Historia, watched over the 104th Training Corps members, the new levi squad, as much as she could. If there's interrogation, it's definitely outside of Nile's knowledge ; but, at least, all the beauty she was known for would take a huge hit. She'd be released when the coup happens, her hair ripped and uneven, and definitely shorter once she tends to it. She loses a few nails of her own ; and isn't especially keen to be touched in the aftermath. Except, if it came to Historia, who she finds herself understanding given her childhood, and the lack of love they both shared ; also, for real though, Laura also looks a lot like frieda which I never noticed until rewatching it - but also, they hold themselves so differently that they also don't look anything alike on that alone. and yes, the younger ones are also fine, she isn't a touchy person but god, knowing they are safe? she ignored the pit in her stomach to hug them.

Return to Shiganshina arc

She's going on that mission to shiganshina and no, you're not stopping her. I need her there for her own reflection on the past she tried to forget, and also because you know who's fucking going on that mission ; marlo, her absolute boy. You can bet the death of all the new, younger recruits, was hard on her; as someone who is now developed to nurture and protect the newer generation (she's only 28 but that means old in the aot universe its hard to survive) ; the cart titan? it had to go, die, she will end you. bastards don't get to do all this and have an escape option. The option over Erwin and Armin? She actually shows restraint and maturity for once in her life, despite yes, having blade in hand, because the choice is only Armin, you're wrong, she also leaves the choice to the others ; and puts trust that it will be the right one.

everyone in the walls are basically united now, so there's no differing factions.

Marley arc

still a w.i.p but she's going to have to beat some sense into this little shit- oh hey cart titan, still eyeing you but we fineee. thank god laura doesn't drink, only on the rarest of occasions like before the return to shiganshina. Niles death would hit her deep. She was always about only protecting the people she cared about, so she understands eren's motivation, but she's also not about killing families and children ; next generation is all they can put hope in to fix the world, that means on both sides - no euthanasia plan (it wouldn't affect her anyway; she lost the chance to have anymore kids during the fall of wall maria). She'll rebuild the outside world ; because at least there's nothing here that can contain her anymore, she can just live freely ; which means healing from everything up until this point, another struggle in its own, but thankfully theirs a lot more people who need a lot more support, so you're stuck with her.

bonus:

The Fall of Shiganshina arc

she's a complete mess and mostly hospitalised for many months ; don't visit her, she has nothing but hate and no will to keep going, and she's finally succumb to her biggest fear; failure. as a mother, as someone strong, as someone who held any hope in their exploration of the outside; of any true freedom to be found. it would always get taken so long as they kept pushing back against titans. Also, a year later, when she's newly appointed to the MPs .

OVA / ACWNR

she's within the timeline of this ova, which is extremely entertaining for me because - underground criminals? in her dorms? suspicious, up to something, she's fucking watching you. Isabel would, unfortunately, grow on her a bit ; but also be the one who continuously gives her grief and vice versa, but out on the field you have to protect your own, background and personality preference aside. it's not stalking ; it's making sure you don't get in the way, or do anything shady. bet you have a knife on you at all times. try it on me, dare you. they good with ODM? ... fuckers. bastards. scoundrels. now she's out training again until her bones break. won't be outclassed, only she can be the strongest.

[bringingglory]

@eerna oh my god acshdgagaahhdvsahsv I never expected you to see my post, so I won't lie, I feel like super embarrassed acsgsga

anyway! not gonna lie, this wip has been sitting in my drafts for months now because I wanted to see if I could plan stuff but then I got stuck because Details are hard to figure out BUT I did write out a few scenes, so I'll put them below the cut because they're kind of long. the first one is the "opening" of the fic and the second one is a sort of reimagining of the Silent Princess memory. i have a few other scenes sort of scribbled out, but these are the most "polished" of the stuff i've written alsdkfjasdfk

the opening lol

Link wakes to a faint buzzing in his ear that sends little darts of pain shooting through his skull. He waits for it to end, and when it doesn’t he groans and rolls over, smacking the space around him to find whatever was making that noise and make it shut up. He can’t fathom why his brain is rolling through his skull like that and why there’s an intense pressure behind his eyes, but when he rolls onto his side, he has to press a hand to his abdomen to settle whatever was sloshing around inside his stomach.

Ah. He’s hungover.

Link peels open his eyes and the light sends a fresh wave of pain ricocheting through his skull. He blinks once, twice, and then forces his eyes open to find a phone the size vibrating against the ground a few inches away from his hand.

Link groans and pushes himself up to a sitting position before grabbing the phone and dismissing the alarm. When the phone falls silent in his hands, he finally looks around and tries to assess the situation.

He’s sitting in a bathtub, the porcelain slightly damp from what he hopes is just water. His shirt smells vaguely of cheap vodka and he still can barely look at the sunlight streaming through the window without wincing.

A moment later, he realizes the phone in his hands isn’t his.

Link holds the phone up to his face and rubs the grogginess from his eyes. He swipes up on the screen, surprised that it isn’t protected by a password.

The phone is open on note in the notes app, and it reads:

link, if you’re reading this right now, im so sorry for leaving you in the tub like that!!! my dad’s supposed to come home from the office today and the document case i was telling you about is missing and he cant know i lost it. i know we just started getting along, and im so sorry to ask you this, but could you find the document case? impa’s in my contacts and she can help you. also you have permission to dig through my phone, just dont judge me if i have anything embarrassing on there. can you find the file by midnight? his flight leaves at 3 and i can stall him until then.

it’s 6:11 right now so i have to run before he gets back, but please hurry! i’ll be waiting for you

-zelda

Link blinks and turns the phone off.

Last night? What happened last night? Why can’t he remember anything?

Well, if his raging headache tells him anything, it’s that he had probably blacked out last night.

Link isn’t usually a drinker or a partier. He isn’t really one to go to big social events. So he’s really confused as to why he woke up passed out in a tub with zero memories.

And also, why Zelda left her phone with him.

a version of the Silent Princess memory but they're at a party and its modern

Zelda laughs. “I think I got a little too sober from the Yiga incident to enjoy the party now.”

Link isn’t sure if he’s supposed to laugh with her, but nods anyway. “Do you want to get some air?”

Zelda gives him an odd look, then sighs. “Yeah. Yes. That would be a good idea.”

Surprisingly, she grabs his forearm and leads him through all the bodies pressed against each other. He can feel the heat of her hand wrapping entirely around his arm like a hot glove, even above the heat of the late summer air and the heat from other people in close proximity.

Somehow, they make it to the other side of the house. Zelda pushes the back door open and pulls him past the other stragglers outside before they find a nice tree with a patch of grass that seems generally clear of alcohol and vomit.

Zelda releases his arm as soon as she finds the tree and she sits down, dropping her head against the trunk.

“Are you okay?” He asks.

Zelda waves her hand vaguely.

Link pauses. “Do you need water?”

“If you get me any more water, I’m probably gonna piss myself,” says Zelda. “Sit down.”

He sits down.

The crickets hum vaguely around them, mingling with the distant buzzing and thumping bass of the music from the party. But without people pressing in from all sides and an open field in front of them, it finally feels like he can take a full breath.

The silence settles over them like a blanket. It feels comfortable to him, but he isn’t sure if it’s supposed to be.

“Oh, Link, look.”

Link cranes his head to see Zelda twist around and point out a blue flower glowing vaguely in the dark. It was beautiful with blue petals so light they looked almost white, and a sky blue bleeding out from the center before fading out.

He wants to give her a questioning look, but she’s transfixed on the flower. He can see the smallest of smiles creeping up onto the corners of her mouth.

“It’s a Silent Princess,” she says. “It was my mom’s favorite flower.”

He can tell something important is happening, so he keeps his mouth shut.

“She said that we can’t grow them domestically yet, despite our best efforts.” Zelda breaks into a full smile and it’s radiant. “The Princess can only thrive out here. In the wild.”

They both turn to look back at the house as another loud WHOOP cuts through the air, followed by the sound of a can being crushed against a head.

“Nature is beautiful,” says Link.

Zelda swats him and he has to bite back a laugh.

She turns and runs a gentle finger along one of the petals before sighing and leaning back against the tree.

“Thank you,” she says suddenly. “For being there with the Yiga. And for being there the whole party.” He can hear her swallow. “I’m sorry for being a bitch.”

“You weren’t being a bitch,” says Link.

“I was, though.” Zelda inhales beside him. “I mean, just because I’m under a lot of stress from my dad doesn’t mean I’m allowed to take it out on other people. I was acting like a kid.”

“To be fair, your dad sounds like an asshole sometimes.”

Zelda snorts. “Yeah. He can be.” He turns his head to see her lean forward to fiddle with the grass. “But he’s got a lot on his plate. And it probably doesn’t help that his daughter doesn’t want anything to do with his ‘legacy.’”

“Just because your dad’s under a lot of pressure doesn’t mean he’s allowed to be an asshole,” Link points out.

Zelda finally looks up at him and offers him a small grin. “Fair enough.”

“And besides, you’re your own person. You don’t need to follow in his footsteps.”

“That’s what I said,” huffs Zelda. “But of course it’s, ‘blah blah you have a responsibility. I didn’t raise you like this so you could waste your time researching pointless things.’” She sighs. “It’s fine. It’s whatever. I came to this stupid party to blow off steam, I guess. But Goddess, I did not eat enough today to drink that many cans of shitty beer.”

Link sits upright, alert. “Do you need to get food or—”

“No, no, that’s fine.” And that smile returns and Link wonders what else he can say to make it stay. “You’re sweet. But I’ve probably gotten drunk enough tonight.” Her eyes slide up to him and the mischief in them stops his heart for a moment. “You still have to try the Hot Frog.”

Link blinked. “...what is that?”

--

the endings are abrupt on both of them just bc i wasn't entirely sure how to end them akldjfasd. also the "Hot Frog" is gonna be some kind of mixed drink that gets link really drunk -- me trying to allude more to the original memory from the game haha

anyway, thank you so much for the ask! and thank u for coming up with the shitpost because it made me laugh the first time i read it hasdklfj hopefully i'll continue this one day and do ur shitpost au justice!

[thetomorrowshow]

Mutually Beneficial Ch. ix

First  -  Previous  -  Next

A/N: So this one is going to be a bit different. Fair warning.

Recommended listening: IDKhow - Modern Day Cain

Tw: Needles, unknown drugs, angst, medical equipment/machinery, brief description of injury, like super brief, like just a few words brief, little bit of panic, I think that’s everything

-

The woman pushed him onto the sliding table. “Stay calm,” she said reassuringly. He trusted her, for some reason. Maybe it was her relaxed expression, or her comforting yellow blouse. However, he didn't lie down yet, as she seemed to expect him to do. Instead, Roman glanced around at the twenty-some professional individuals sitting at the desks in the room. It was an odd setup, him and the MRI machine at the front of the room, the suited men and women half-paying attention. It reminded him in some ways of  a classroom, but they definitely weren't in any school he'd ever been to. It was sleek and modernistic, with the wall opposite, at the back of the room, entirely constructed of glass. Through the walls, far below, he could see the edge of a parking lot, tiny people walking to an out-of-sight entrance in the building, leading him to guess he was on an upper floor. The ceiling was high—high enough that he wondered if this was the top floor.

“Please, lie down.”

Roman obeyed now, almost unthinkingly. He couldn't rightly recall why he was here—a test of some sort? Probably.

The unnamed woman loomed over him, a sugary smile on her face, a syringe balanced in her fingers. “This will go into your chest,” she explained, gesturing to the syringe. “Then I'll wheel the table into the machine. Are you ready?”

Roman nodded. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the people in the room grow more attentive, some closing laptops, others pulling notepads out of desks.

As the syringe came closer, Roman panicked internally, realizing he was still wearing his shirt (a maroon t-shirt, which felt wrong for some reason). The woman didn't seem to mind, though, so he didn't bring it up. Instead, he focused on her long dark hair with blond highlights, her yellow blouse, her oddly cold hazel eyes behind rectangular glasses.

The tip of the needle pushed through his shirt; a shiver went up his spine at the cold metal on his skin. He observed wryly that it was directly above his heart, then squinted his eyes shut in preparation (of what, he didn't know) as she pushed it into his chest with a tiny prick of pain, then pressed the plunger down. Then—

His eyes shot open at the pain. Burning, vision-sharpening pain. He gasped as it spread outward from the needlepoint, hitting his fingertips and bouncing back to his chest in waves. A bespectacled man seated near the front of the room frowned at his obvious discomfort, then tapped something out on his computer.

“Time to start the MRI. How are you feeling?”

Roman gritted his teeth. “Ow,” he managed. A flurry of activity from the viewers. The woman nodded expectantly.

“It hurts, doesn't it? It'll put you to sleep, so try and relax.”

Roman took a stuttering breath and closed his eyes. She was right; he needed to relax. The machine started up, a lot of whirring a banging and loud beeps drowning out the sounds of typing and pencils scratching. His stomach lurched as the table he was on rolled into the large cylinder.

“Roman!” Bang bang bang. His eyes shot open.

“Roman!”

He tilted his head back. On a side of the room he hadn't paid attention to was a wall of glass, encasing the landing of a staircase. A man was on the other side, pounding on the glass that separated them, hollering his name. The man seemed familiar to Roman. He was dressed casually, blue jeans with a plum-colored sweater. An odd choice, he thought. It wasn't all that cold.

“Get out!” the man shouted, barely audible. “They're killing you! Get out!”

Pandemonium broke out. The previously calm woman was yelling, people were throwing things aside and pushing back chairs, the machine seemed louder than ever, four heavyset individuals were heading toward the glass, presumably to take care of the man—Roman ignored it all in favor of crawling out of the MRI machine. His breath came in short, pained gasps as he swung his legs over the side of the table, pain shooting through every muscle in his body.

The world spun as he stood. The cacophony of noise around him was overshadowed by the sound of his heartbeat thudding in his head, not as even as he would've like it.

Help, Roman tried to say. “Hngh,” came out of his mouth. He wasn't quite sure where he was trying to go. The wall of windows? That seemed like a good goal. How to break through it, though?

A wooden chair, vacated moments before. Roman stumbled toward it, almost oblivious to the chaos around him. Using what felt like every ounce of his strength, Roman picked it up and took a few wobbly steps at a run, wincing as he launched the chair at the glass. It crashed through, little shards of glass flying in every direction, leaving a spider-webbing hole in its wake. The panicking around him multiplied, accompanied by screams, but Roman ignored it. It was crucial that he got out—and quickly, he realized, his vision blackening around the edges as the pain grew more intense.

He lurched forward a few steps. He realized that he was barefoot as he stepped on some glass, but didn't have time to stop. His heartbeat was slowing, the pounding in his head thickening, his body on fire, the room growing hazy—

Badum, badum, badum. Badum . . badum . . . badum. . . .

Then Roman's head scraped glass and he tripped—and fell. And fell. The concrete was far, too far. The wind rushed past his ears as his eyes blinked shut, but sounded like it was coming from the end of a very long tunnel. He forced his eyes open in time to see the pavement coming closer toward him at an alarming rate, felt his knee skin the pavement, then snap, then—

He was trapped, tied, restrained, he couldn't get out, he was fighting his bonds but hurt, hurt so bad, and—

“Help!” The word tore from his dry throat.

“Shh, it's okay, kiddo. We're right here.”

Who? Who was where? It was dark, and he hated the dark, and he couldn't move—

“Calm down, bud, thrashing around like that can't help!”

“Where am I?” he cried out, his voice cracking painfully. Memories started to leak into his head. “What—will I be okay?”

Silence.

“What was in the syringe?” he tried.

“Syringe? What syringe?” the voice said quietly, sounding scared.

“The—the one? The yellow lady?”

“Deceit?” another voice asked.

“I—” he gasped in pain. He was still burning from whatever he'd been injected with, his back, his chest, his face— “It was poison! I'll die!” He tried to get up again, but the bindings and pain held him down.

“Roman, don't try to get up,” the second voice instructed. “It will only make it worse. You'll reopen your wounds.”

“Wounds . . . from the glass? Or from falling? How's my knee?”

Another silence.

“I don't believe there was any glass involved,” the second voice said doubtfully.

“Your knee is fine, Ro,” the first voice added.

“What?” That was confusing. He struggled against his bindings again, ignoring the arrows of pain that shot through his body.

“Oh, you're all tangled up in your blankets. Logan wouldn't let me fix it while you were sleeping.”

A pair of hands guided him out of what was now known to be blankets, not ropes or something of the sort. It was still pitch-black and unknown, but at least he could breathe again.

“Go back to sleep,” the second voice said softly. “You and Thomas both need it.”

He nodded a little.  Now that he was starting to calm down, he could feel the warm embrace of sleep pulling at him. A vague part of him wondered if the drug injected into his chest was finally giving him the mercy of sleep First, though, there was something he needed to know.

“Did he get out?” he slurred. “The . . . the purple man.”

Someone cleared their throat.

“Don't worry about it right now,” the first voice said. “He's . . . he's fine.”

-

A/N: This was an actual dream I had just before writing this. I mean, there were some details different (I was in Roman’s place, I have no clue what the woman was wearing, and the man in purple was someone else), but I tried to be as accurate and vivid as I could. Also, when I woke up, the point where (in the dream) the needle had punctured my chest burned.

TAGLIST (let me know if you want to be added/removed)(also let me know if I missed you by accident): @stop-it-anxiety @i-can-get-extra-with-my-ships @shitpost-sides @kai-the-person @bl00scl00s @emo-adjacent @charakitcat @ainsleyf @sandersstuffsblog @ginnyfox617 @enragedbees

[emorishh]

this sounds like a shitpost but it’s not:

IF your very first draft is NOT SHITTY, you are DOING IT WRONG!!!

you have no spelling errors? INCORRECT. do not go back to edit anything! ANYTHING! when you’re writing your first draft.

hey! STOP looking up synonyms! *hits you with a wooden spoon* BAD! BAD! just write the word you’re overusing way too much and come back to it AFTER you’re finished. and i mean FINISHED, you fool!

i am. trying to save your life here. DONT EDIT AS YOU WRITE. you’ll end up deleting whole sections of edited writing because it doesn’t fit with the plot, and it’ll feel terrible. don’t waste your time! please i’m BEGGING YOU—

hey. HEY! I SEE YOU BACKSPACING! N O ! you don’t have to absolutely limit yourself to NEVER backspacing, as i know it can be hard. but cut down the use on the delete button! try and train yourself to only delete when it’s necessary, like when you want to add an important detail that you might forget if you don’t do so. still, try not to backspace. that’s the same as editing, lads.

can’t think of the word? write a different word; a word that would never come up in your actual story. like iphone if you’re writing a medieval fantasy. then when you’re done and you’re ready to edit, highlight “iphone” throughout your entire work. Go through and edit as the context demands.

you should probably know some of the names of your characters, and maybe general age and a vague background. but keep it vague (for some of them, if you don’t want to do all), so their past can shift with your plot as the need arises.

additionally, if you can’t think of a character name, just write something stupid as hell, like bitchboy or idiot mcgee. then do as you do in #5.

it’s ok to interrupt your own writing here. write notes to yourself as to why you wrote a specific thing, what could change, etcetera.

an extension to the above is summarizing, but try not to use it too much. yes, you can summarize, but try to keep large blocks of summarizing off your actual writing draft.

stop reading here if u don’t want to hear abt a plot exercise i do! vvv vvv vvv

lastly, because this one is less about first drafts and more about plot: i don’t know how helpful this might be for y’all, it’s not super mega amazingly fantastic for helping me write... but it’s fun as hell, and it does help a bit with my own understanding of my story!:

write ur thought process!! pretend you’re explaining the plot to someone! but write it out! interrupt urself! things don’t have to be in logical order here. it’s just what u want to have happen, and important points you plan to include. here’s a very fucking long medium sized excerpt from my own thought process exercise, because i have no shame and i want to talk abt my writing...:

“ok so basically this fuckin story is about uhhh. magic n shit!! we love cliches in this house. anyways there’s sixteen mages and they’re all spread out across the land. it switches perspectives between them and they r basically trying 2 Not Die because some of the main kingdoms think magic is evil. fuck u cliches are fun u can’t tell me what to do. there’s one kingdom that’s like. “magic bad!”. cuz this one dumbass angstyboy had a Tragic Past and therefore decided to be buddy buddy with the king (who’s an idiot) to outlaw magic. if u use magic ur either executed or sentenced to jail time, where u will disappear before ur sentence ends. wack af. some of these mages live in this kingdom, which means they gotta hide their magic stuff. some of the mages tho, actually don’t have magic yet (it can develop later in life). and a lot of them don’t live in that kingdom, so they’re at less risk. but magic is technically illegal in all six kingdoms (w/ varying degrees of punishment severity), so they gotta b careful. what kicks off the start of the adventure? well, in the heart of the main yikes kingdom, one of the head knights discovers she has magic. throughout the story, each character meets up w/ each other until they’re all together in one group (which might not even happen in the first book lmao). there are other cool characters who contribute to this sexy ass plot...” (cont.)

(btw i have a blog for this wip, the url is magicandmages and it’s literally the worst and i never post but if u want to follow it u can. and honestly, if u show interest in it, it’ll give me motivation to write. so if u want to, go ahead,,)

[ilovemygaydad]

punk!patton au masterlist

characters: listed under the cut

pairings: moxiety, logince, background remceit (sleep/deceit), past thomas/female oc, and possibly more in the future

rating: teen (see under read more for more info on that)

warnings are on the individual chapters :)

links to the fic itself:

part one

part two

part three

part four

part five (updated 3/22/19)

ao3 version

companions:

serpent’s silk

weak spot

mouth breather

answered questions and random ramblings:

about virgil:

about his celiac disease

when they discovered he was celiac

more about his celiac disease

is virgil adopted?

about virgil’s biological mother

can’t he bring a lunch?

about patton:

a bit about logan and patton’s relationship

more about logan and patton’s relationship

does patton want logan to be a dad-dad

patton’s curls vs his emo style

what does patton normally wear?

tattoos and piercings?

abandonment issues?

about his meltdowns

does he want to be a dad

music tastes

about roman:

his deafness

about his hearing aids

his reaction to virgil having a black eye

how he feels about patton

roman as a teenager with a splash of thomas

about logan:

has he wanted to adopt anyone else?

about emile:

future role in the fic?

about dc:

how old is he and what does he like about remy

artwork:

patton being edgy

virgil being a sweetheart

some cuTe artwork of patton and virgil

patton and virgil moodboards

more moodboards!!!

a shitpost about patton and logan

the softest, sweetest baby boy

miscellaneous:

virgil cosplay (makeup)

questions are always welcome! i love to talk about these guys and the story!!! <3

any artwork is totally cool as long as you tag me so i can see it!

other stuff:

more on that there rating:

there will be no nsf/w stuff in this fic other than like some very vaguely implied things through like winks. i am extremely sex repulsed, and n/sfw things trigger my anxiety really badly, which means that i can’t write or read those things. it isn’t fair to myself to attempt to please potential readers at my own cost, and i deeply apologize to anyone who wanted this story to go there in the future. this goes for all of my other fics as well, but i guess i never said this outright. sorry, but at the same time, not.

character bios (italicized are the mains, and the regular text are the supporting):

patton summers (16): our main boy. homoromantic asexual. leaning towards 5′10.5″. he was orphaned as a toddler and spent almost all of his childhood in an orphanage because he just had too many emotions for prospective parents to deal with. he hides said emotions away behind his punk exterior, but a certain sweet pastel boy is starting to crack away at that shell...

logan summers (36): patton’s new legal guardian. super gay. jewish. around 5′10″ or so. [REDACTED until part 6]. Loves his mom and step-dad to pieces. Wishes he could visit them more often, but there’s only so much that he can do with his teacher schedule. btw he teaches first graders, and he loves them so much. he is extremely smart, and he has a hobby of collecting books!

virgil sanders (16): an odd, anxious teenager in patton’s class. pan. like 5′7″ and tiny. adopted by roman after his mom was killed when he was a baby. knows of his birth parents, but he still loves roman as if he were his biological dad. he is super, super sweet and kind, but he has anxiety issues that often lead to him being quiet and shy. he loves to dress in “feminine,” pastel clothings. absolutely in love with patton. like, head over heels. just wants to see that boy happy.

roman sanders (38): virgil’s adoptive father. so, so gay. around logan height. he was raised heavily irish catholic with his twin brother, thomas, by his very loving parents. [REDACTED until part 6]. he’s deaf, but he’s able to communicate through sign language and lip reading, and he can verbalize pretty well. loves his brother, nephew, and son so, so much, as well as his best friend, emile, and his son, dc. he works as a therapist.

thomas sanders (38): roman’s twin brother. could be gayer... also around logan height. he’s a chemical engineer-slash-actor. he had his son, remy, with his now ex-wife, who he is still very close with. he didn’t realize that he was gay until after remy was born, but... he isn’t the only one.

remy sanders (17): virgil’s cousin/roman’s nephew/thomas’ son. gay. half vietnamese, half irish. giant. like, 6′4″ giant. extremely intelligent and athletic. he’s played hockey since he was a little kid because he enjoyed hitting the ball around (and the other kids), and because he was in a huge rival with dc picani. he’s the definition of “string bean” body-wise. he was held back junior year due to depression-induced slacking off, so he has to retake it instead of being allowed to be a senior like was supposed to be. he has a giant crush on dc, but he hates to acknowledge it--especially now that he flunked a grade and dc won their stupid rivalry.

kim nguyen (38): thomas’ ex-wife/remy’s mom. super lesbian. vietnamese. as i said earlier, thomas was not the only one to realize they were not straight until remy. she is the sweetest woman on earth (although, she would say that her wife is). super supportive of remy and virgil and thomas and roman. she’s just... supportive of everyone, tbh. she takes remy on the weekends, and she lives a few towns over with her wife. she and thomas were high-school sweethearts who ended up getting married and settling down before the a-gay-kening happened.

emile picani (38): thomas and roman’s best friend since college. still unsure of his sexuality and gender, but he knows that he's at the very least transmasc! maybe genderfluid? we don’t know babey!!! 6′ even. this man is just so energetic all the time. he’s a huge sweetheart to everyone, and he cares maybe a bit too much about people. he works as a school psychologist. he adopted dc as a baby, and he loves that kiddo so darn much. he never let his childish side fade, which works both to his detriment and favor.

dc picani (17): emile’s son. somewhere on the gay spectrum, also possibly a demi-boy? who knows! not dc, that’s for sure. he’s got heterochromia and a large birthmark that covers most of the left side of his face. so, so smart and athletic. he’s a badass gymnast, and he enjoys art, and he likes learning. he doesn’t really know how his and remy’s rivalry started, but it did, and it never really stopped until remy was held back. he misses the time he spent with remy--even if it was a bit antagonistic. absolutely does not have a crush on remy, duh. can get mad really easily if you push his buttons too much.

[tarmairons]

re: that last hp ask i got

i know i said i wouldn’t be cross-posting my bellamort/dark au/riddle fam headcanons from twitter but i’ve decided to post a lengthy updated masterpost here after all so ENJOY bon apetit 

1. see the thing is that 90% of my hcs can’t be described with words bc they’re just.. feelings.. aesthetics.. vibes.. vague scenarios that make me feel some sort of way… the dark au has a certain Feel and i just stick a bunch of domestic concepts in there and shake it all up and that’s it shshsh

2. disclaimer: im like 75% sure my self indulgent ramblings won’t make sense so sorry about that

3. i was fully serious that one time i said on twitter that voldemort’s no.1 priority after taking over the wizarding world was doing sth about his snace (snake face) so yeah. first things first he’s not as fugly in the dark au. as mentioned previously he just looks like mr. ralph and probably wears ornate haute couture power suits

4. the public doesn’t actually know who the augurey is for YEARS… they know whoever it is is voldemort’s second in command and sure there’s rumors that he has an heir but nobody knows it’s delphi. this way she doesn’t have to be reclusive and hide away, she just lives her life, studies and trains, masters the art of dark magic, hangs around town etc, and no one suspects anything bc who would think this tiny super friendly innocent looking girl is the dark lord’s kid — her identity isn’t revealed until she’s deemed Ready to publicly take up her position. and when she is revealed it’s a Big Moment bc she’s a drama queen and lives for attention

5. delphi is taller than bellatrix

6. speaking of bellatrix. she’s presumed dead after the battle of hogwarts which turns out to be a cool bonus for the dark side. any leftover resistance? she’ll take care of that and they’ll never see her coming. tbh this seems a lot cooler in my head bc movie bellatrix would not be stealthy enough to stay hidden for years she would probs trip over something and accidentally commit arson within a few days. but yeah sneaky assassin sounds sexy. plus to be super honest i imagine bella is a teensy bit more collected than in the films... no shade at helena y’all know i would die for her but there are in fact things i would change about her bella. so yeah for a while the only people who know she’s alive aside from her immediate family are probs rod and the malfoys

7. hm so. the malfoys…. much to think about. narcissa did lie to voldemort’s face during the battle so logically he should have killed her the moment he realized she knew harry was alive all along. but this is a soft dark au so let’s pretend bellatrix was like hey dude don’t kill my sister maybe and voldemort was like k. i mean no harm done, harry potter is properly dead in this universe after all

8. but seriously tho. the only reason voldemort didn’t yeet narcissa into a wall was for bella’s sake. he’s nice like that, he probably promised her at one point that he wouldn’t violently murder her family. peak romance

9. delphi is surprisingly close with both her parents although with voldemort it’s more of a mentor-student relationship than a parent-child one bc he’s Like That. growing up it was always bella who insisted they treat delphi more like a child and less like a weapon and voldemort wasn’t always happy about that bc he’s emotionally constipated and also never had a childhood. also he’s, like, evil. so yes, reminding voldemort that delphi was her daughter too sometimes got bella in trouble bc we all know of voldemort’s superiority issues. but no bella didn’t stop insisting that delphi deserved an actual childhood and in the end they compromised like functional adults and delphi turned out pretty well for someone raised by 2 of the most terrifying people alive

10. but yeah that’s not to say voldemort and kid delphi never had soft moments. they did. he even picked her up every once in a while. everyone was surprised, bella most of all. she probably cried in the bathroom later bc the softness overwhelmed her. i’m not sure if i mean that in a sarcastic shitpost kind of way or if she was really moved to tears. y’all decide for yourselves

11. delphi looks very very much like bella but she has tom riddley eyes.. so dark they’re nearly black. and soulless. maybe they even flash red when she’s enraged. and she has very aristocratic very controlled tom riddley mannerisms. it’s not until you piss her off and she goes off the rails that the bella side of her personality kicks in

12. delphi gets along really well with the malfoys (except lucius. she thinks he’s pathetic and likes to tease him. in a friendly way but it’s still harsh. she gets that from her mom) esp scorp. scorp thinks this makes him cool at school bc he gets to fist bump the augurey and not get murdered for it

13. speaking of hogwarts. umbridge is scared shitless of delphi and it’s always a school-wide spectacle when the augurey drops by unexpectedly on official business and umbridge starts stuttering and quivering. scorp sometimes makes a point to approach umbridge and delphi when they’re talking and act all chummy-chummy with his cousin just to make himself look powerful and Cool in front of umbridge and the other students

14. i still don’t know whether voldemort would call delphi ‘delphini’ or just ‘delphi’… i imagine he’s a strict stick-up-his-ass kinda father but who knows. he does call bellatrix ‘bella’ but that’s different i guess

15. but THEN AGAIN he does have a gigantic soft spot for delphi too. maybe he slips up every so often and calls her delphi. i’m literally making this shit up as i go along i’m just smashing my mf keyboard and occasionally glancing at my messy hcs notebook. I TOLD YALL i don’t have solid hcs i just have VIBES and AESTHETICS. the only way you’ll get specific hcs out of me is if you ask very specific questions

16. weirdest brotp is delphi and rodolphus. nobody knows where that came from but they get along so well and it confuses everybody

17. we been knew that bella is batshit crazy and criminally insane or whatever but against all odds she is a surprisingly good mother. she’s always been soft for family (narcissa etc) so it makes sense that she would legit die for delphi. they have this super casual bantery relationship YALL GET ME bella is so proud of delphi she’s literally that “my little baby off to destroy people” meme!!! honestly mother-daughter relationships are my goddamn weakness i would die for the two of them

18. delphi has a gf (underdeveloped oc time!) who, for the longest time, doesn’t know who she is dating bc delphi is obviously not allowed to say. she finds out the truth eventually and she is properly freaked out for a very very long time. and since all of these hcs are stupidly soft we’re just gonna keep making them softer: the gf is terrified of delphi’s parents at first (obvs) but they’re both extremely fond of her (well, bella is, voldemort probs doesn’t care all that much about who delphi is dating so long as she’s not of subpar blood status or secretly spying for the opposition ya know. as long as delphi trusts her he does too)

19. no but really voldemort trusts delphi and bella implicitly. with delphi it’s bc he raised her and he trusts her to be loyal bc she knows no other way, she was meant to be an extension of his power etc. but with bella it’s something he learns over time, to trust her judgement bc despite her many many flaws she’s very perceptive and usually right

20. voldemort probably makes more horcruxes. still haven’t decided how this ties in with the fact that he’s now safely immortal again and neither delphi nor bella are. who knows maybe they all do the do and split their souls. much to think about. feel free to send ur thots and ideas my way

21. ya know im basic and always on my bellamort bs and therefore: as the years go by voldemort warms up to bella. not that he wasn’t already extremely fond of her before but he kicks it up a notch. i mean, he’s already taken over the world so it’s high time to start experimenting with other wilder things like Feelings. 80/90 years old isn’t too late to experience Love or whatever. might as well wake up one day and realize you’re completely and utterly in love with the woman you’ve spent the last 50+ years with whew. LIKE to be fair bella knows him better than anyone — they understand each other, they’re familiar with each other’s likes, dislikes, mannerisms, nervous tics etc etc. let’s be real it freaked voldemort out at first, being vulnerable to any degree (not that he let it show) but it just became so easy to tell her things that it became a natural thing to do. and obvs he trusts her to keep everything between them and never judge him for anything so that’s sweet

22. y’all keep asking me for domestic hcs but what can i possibly say?? imagine literally any domestic scenario ever and just think bellamort and i’ve probably imagined that same scenario before. except its sexier bc the world is dark and evil and they live in a dark gloomy super fancy manor. so we have these 2 goths right but they’re in love but in that casual familiar way YALL GET ME and sometimes they even drink coffee together in the mornings or like. do that thing where Person A returns from work late at night and its dark and raining and Person B is already home just chilling and they don’t even have to talk they just go about their nighttime routine but it’s soft and familiar and COMFORTABLE. i clearly dont have enough softness in my life i just. love domestic scenarios bye

23. i forgot everything else i wanted to write bc i got distracted by domesticity. im also thinking about how voldemort absolutely despises the thought of any pda but he’ll take bella by the wrist in public every so often when he wants to get her attention, or like. put his hand on her back. small things but oh so soft

24. hhhh okay i have a LOT to say about the power fam’s fashion choices but it’s hard to explain without pictures. i have a wholeass ppt presentation but i’m not about to upload 20+ slides to tumblr. but i seriously was not kidding when i said voldemort wears fancy suits and yes i have references. meanwhile delphi is a fan of feathers but mostly goes with lowkey military-style outfits.. she’s practical yet ostentatious. bella sticks to a conservative yet undeniably sexy selection of evil looking dresses.. i should make all of these into pinterest boards hmm

25. controversial opinion but i think delphi knows she and voldemort are half bloods. so does bella but that’s a whole other story, she been knew. anyhow yeah delphi was told the truth bc it was better for her to find out from the source rather than hear rumors from the opposition and begin to distrust the foundations of voldemort’s whole empire and voldemort himself

26. i used to absolutely hate fics where bella would eventually call voldemort by his name but now im like FUCK THAT we don’t do guilty pleasures anymore we just stan ridiculous things and that’s that. one day voldemort had a Thought (shocking, i know) and was like. Hm so we have a wholeass child and we’re basically married maybe bella shouldn’t have to call me My Lord for the rest of her life. BUT ONLY IN PRIVATE. THATS BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM it’s nobody’s business. It Is Nobody’s Business

27. speaking of marriage. bella and rod got divorced a few years after the battle. it was just a formality tho let’s be real. they remained very close friends tho!!!!!!!! i think that’s an unpopular opinion among bellamort stans but i genuinely believe bella and rod were always close the way best friends or family are ya know. rod really loves bella but as long as she’s happy he’s happy even if it means her fucking the dark lord on the reg or whatever

28. going back to #6 — when the public finally finds out that bella’s alive they obviously start to wonder about her and voldemort and connect the dots re: delphi etc but nobody ever gets any concrete answers bc there’s never any public pda.. any sort of affection is limited to when it’s just the two of them. and obviously it’s not like voldemort gossips about his private life in tabloid interviews or whatnot. ALSO the whole Bella Is Alive reveal isn’t nearly as dramatic as delphi’s big moment.. it’s more discreet and insidious in that way it implies that she was there hiding in plain sight all along. and if the ministry can keep sth this big a secret, what else are they hiding.. ah classic intimidation tactics of an authoritarian regime

29. i dont think this is ever stated in the CC but in terms of politics and bureaucracy i imagine voldemort has a fancy office in the ministry and spends 99% of his time there and rarely spends any time out and about. he’s almost never seen by anyone, rarely attends events etc. delphi’s the one who handles the day to day shit in the wizarding world. she’s like.. the public relations manager.. between the public and voldemort

30. bella is of similar status within the ministry but that’s just bc people are scared shitless of her. she doesn’t actually hold any political power and she most certainly does not want to, that is not her area of expertise at all

31. delphi is dangerously powerful and i think that’s really sexy of her

32. re: #21 it’s like. as voldemort warms up to bella, she in turn chillaxes a bit with the whole blind devotion thing and becomes bolder with him like. she’ll outright question his decisions or tell him what he should do, make judgement calls etc. and it becomes a regular thing.. turns into this casual companionship ya feel.. i won’t say they become equals bc that’s just unrealistic but he certainly stops treating her like his inferior. he recognizes her value and i daresay her authority and stops treating her like shit all the time Wow Romance Is Alive!! (this sounds like some sort of “douche fuckboi changes for his poor mistreated love interest” schtick but it’s really not that bc they’re both monstrous people who do not deserve any pity so jot that down. they’re horrible and they deserve each other and they eventually do make it work and i am so so happy for them)

33. it is never outright stated that voldemort can’t love. jkr has said that he doesn’t understand love and that it’s just symbolism!!! that he’s the child of a loveless union and grew up without knowing love!!! BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOVE thanks for coming 2 my ted talk. i wasn’t aware of this until a few months ago and i was thrilled to find out my soft hcs are not entirely ooc after all

34. THE POINT IS. THEY ARE A SEMI-FUNCTIONAL FAMILY and i just really love soft domestic scenarios so sorry jkr but the dark au is the only canon now and it belongs to me. everybody has feelings and everything is soft. i’d like to pitch an idea for a kuwtk style reality show but it’s these 3 sociopaths under one roof navigating family life and wizarding world politics

35. to finish i’d like to apologize for downplaying the fact that all 3 of the people i woobified in this post are psychotic murderers and tyrants etc

—— i’ll be updating this if/when i remember anything i forgot AND ALSO send me ur thoughts and comments and constructive criticism etc pls pls pls 

—— follow me on twitter and also curiouscat bc i get a scary amount of q’s about voldemort’s sex life thank you and goodbye

edits:

36. in this household we stan dark haired delphi. no i will not be taking any criticism regarding this particular fact

37. bella and voldemort never get married. obviously, because that’s a disgustingly romantic and pointless thing to do. it’s sentimental and unnecessary (well, voldemort thinks so, bella might just disagree but she’s not about to force his hand) BUT that’s not to say they’re not basically an old married couple anyway. AND as much as voldemort thinks love is weakness or whatever he knows this, that they’re about as close as two people can get. SO if he just so happens to gift her a ring.. well it’s a purely symbolic gesture but the implication is definitely there

38. it’s the horcrux ring. he trusts her that much. m y  h e a r t

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[mayhapsawitch-blog]

Halloweenie

31 October 2018 (181031) 3:54 PM

Hello to future me and to whoever else is reading this.

I made this little blog after a moment of self revelation and to record stuff that’s happening in my life, or like....a......diary or whatever. Shudders.

As background, these past couple of weeks I have been on Tumblr just meandering around, looking for things to entertain myself with. I had started getting back into reading stuff on Tumblr just a couple of months ago, and had been pretty much exploring around certain music on that side. In real life, I’ve begun taking an interest in astrology and tarot cards, this going on for more than a month or so. Which brings me to the main thing about this post.

It was earlier this month I happened to stumble upon witchblr. It was certainly odd. None of my searches pertained to anything remotely witchy, and to my knowledge no one I followed was involved with that kind of stuff. What was even odder was that I had seen a post (that mysteriously vanished, my memory erasing where I found it from) over Transylvania and the magic of Romania. Needless to say, I tapped on the tag.

I have to admit, I was quite intrigued. As someone who was raised religious and someone who is ethnic, anything remotely supernatural or even magical and witchy terrified the living daylights out of me (and still does). I was around people who ran from the mere mention of it, thinking of it as something scary and almost demonic, staying far away from anything that had to with witchcraft.

So why did these posts say the opposite?

I was immediately enraptured by witchblr. It was so interesting. Most of I saw went against my previous beliefs on witchcraft being used mostly for bad things. The stigma surrounding it for me slowly began to dissipate. I saw people recounting their deity work, posting different spells, talking about candle magic, color magic, and all sorts of things. It was almost beautiful in my eyes at the time.

There was so much to this particular spot of the woods. One night involved me going through a whole thread over hoodoo and Vodou, learning about how the cultural appropriation aspect to it, another night it would be over kitchen magic. There was just so much information to process, so many things to interpret and understand.

What I thought would just be a short few day phase of me finding something to read about and learn turned into something that started to go onto the next week, the week after that, and so on. I started talking to my friends about what I found. “This is really interesting!” I had said. “Not that I would ever get into witchcraft though, I just like learning about what they do and like having more knowledge of things (because I am talentless and read about things to make up for the fact that I am practically an uncultured sewer rat).”

And I would not get into witchcraft. The idea was frightening. The God fearing ethnic in me said no, but the other side kept bringing me back to witchcraft. My friends did tease me about it, one almost seeming to encourage me to get into it regardless. There was even a small running joke that I was one because of certain situations, this increasing when my friend got me a candle very recently, and I joked about using it for witchcraft. Even with my joking, the thought of getting into it was almost blasphemous for me.

Fast forward to today, Halloween, when I was scrolling through a particular witchy account and remembered that it was Samhain. I remembered about the candle and some posts I saw about candle colors and colors in general, and their uses and correlation to certain things. Something inside me started to build up and it was earlier today that I decided to heck with it. Let’s burn a letter to the universe.

Suddenly overcome with motivation, I went to go get paper and wrote down my intentions on it, labeling it as “I Invoke: Samhain Edition.” On it I wrote a lot of stuff that was personal to me along with things that I wanted to manifest, similar to something I’d been wanting to do for years which was writing a letter and just generally burning it asking for help. I kept editing and adding to it, feeling something akin to hope as I poured a little bit of me out.

After writing all of this, I went to go find a lighter for the candle. Oddly enough, there was a large clap of ominous sounding thunder that occurred outside as I shut the drawer in search of the lighter, and I looked outside, vaguely afraid and thinking, “is this a sign?” Yes, yes I am that paranoid about stuff like this.

I finally found the lighter, going to grab my candle and lighter to which another very loud noise occurred and scared the living shit out of me, and sat down in front of the fireplace to pray to the alter that rests above it. I prayed for myself, I prayed for the people around me, and had a talk that I think I kind of needed for awhile. It just felt like it was needed.

My candle was set down onto the letter as I lit it, and I started to whisper my intentions as well, not particularly talking to anyone of the sort, but rather the candle and my letter. It was odd in a sense to me, but still brought me a strange degree in comfort as the flame burned, giving the area a warm light and pleasant smell (bless my friend for giving me a pumpkin spice scented candle, I’ve already said I love you, and if you happen to be reading this, I still do love you for giving me this).

Now done with my moment, I burned the letter, tossing it into the fire place before it could burn me, watching my intentions burn before me (inhaled a lot of carbon dioxide because I didn’t bother to open a window or the vent, pray for my lungs).

I watched it burn some more before blowing out the candle (rip my weak ass lungs for not being able to blow this tiny flame out), thinking to myself, “what now,” and, “.....well this is very very vaguely witchy and kinda awkward now.”

And so the question remains: what now?

I don’t know the answer to that. I’m still on the path of discovery. This has just been for me to literally spill all the bs on my mind. I am indeed still reading about witchcraft. Each day I’m learning more about tarot, astrology, deities, different types of witchcraft, psychic stuff, and other things that do and do not relate to this as well. It’s been super interesting and weird.

I hope to develop more and show my development through this blog and to just generally shitpost. This post truly was just to let out what I’d been thinking about this past month of October and some stuff that’s been going on in my life.

Until next time, I suppose.

Happy Halloween and happy Samhain.

[eleutheriana-a]

regarding jaz, aka @kryzeborn & @amidalc.

so i really didn’t want to make this into a big huge deal outside of my own blog and my own vagueing / angry shitposting because honestly, i have a right to my anger, as does red ( @rutalonidir ) , without owing anyone an explanation as to why we’re so angry. but the fact of the matter is, i’ve had multiple people come to me off anon expressing an interest in hearing my side of the story and what exactly went down between jaz and i, so i figured i’d just compile everything as it happened and explain, with links and screenshots so everyone can follow along at home. 

i’ve been writing padmé on and off for a few years now, something multiple people can attest to. i originally had a blog for her about two and a half / three years ago - ish, which has since been deleted and revamped, and then i moved her onto a multimuse for a while. i add this context in not to try and assert superiority, but to explain that my headcanons i’ve had on padmé have existed and been developed for literal years. when i had my old blog ( @eleutheriana-archive , originally libertinedeath ) , there was a meme that was floating around one day asking people to recast your fc, simply for fun. i reblogged it, and received a message from a friend suggesting tao okamoto, a japanese model and actress, due to the japanese and other asian influences on padmé’s character. i responded that i was really into the fancast and also mentioned that i’d been thinking about using fan bingbing ( the most popular padmé racebent fancast ) as an alternate for my star wars universe for a while now, but that i wasn’t sure if it’d be something people would be into, because it would require all luke and leia rpers that i interacted with using that fc to change their own fcs for those threads to keep the ethnicities correct. i got some good feedback on this post, and so i made another saying that i was going to consider starting to use her as an alternate ( when dealing solely with my star wars verses, as using an asian alt fc for modern verses means you have to take into account the real world reactions to race and can get into dicey territory, and was something i would have to think about more if i was even going to make that shift. ) but that i’d, again, have to do some thinking because it would change fcs of family members and i didn’t want to just spring that on luke and leia rpers. this happened on april twentieth, as you can see here. ( autoplay warning. ) 

the next day, i made an edit, found here, which was a way of providing suggestions to luke and leia rpers for fcs that they might be able to use if they wanted to interact with me in the capacity of an asian padmé / interracial skywalker family concept. shortly after i posted this edit, jaz reblogged it, found here. at the time, she was still using fan bingbing as an fc, and was following me as well. i looked at her account when she reblogged the edit, because it was tagged with her fc tag and i was kinda surprised, and i realized that she was a brand new padmé account, made only eight hours after i’d made a post saying i was going to be using fan bingbing as my alternate fc. 

now, i know what you’re thinking: “nicole, you just said above that fan bingbing is a popular fancast, that doesn’t mean jaz is stealing from you.” and honestly? i didn’t think she was stealing from me at the time. i didn’t think that my post had anything to do with her blog being created, at that time. was i suspicious? a little bit, but i’ve had some things stolen from me before and also had things just be a coincidence, so i wrote it off as no big deal and followed her back because i’m duplicate friendly. at the time, i did not think anything of her account, nor was i predisposed with a bias against her, as i’ve had no dealings with jaz in any other fandom, therefore, nothing to judge her on. to me she was just another padmé rper. i did, however, take a slight offense to something found in her rules, something that remains there to this day:

i can understand not wanting to inconvenience luke and leia rpers, but if you’re going to racebend your character and strive for more visibility for asian women, this is just....not cool. but again: i wasn’t going to pick fights about it, because to me she was just another padmé rper, and i didn’t think there was anything shady going on.

then things started to get a little odd. i started to notice some things here and there that kinda irked me, things that seemed a little...off. like she’d just lifted them from my blog. for example: i had a shitpost fest back in january with my main anakin and one of my friends who rps leia, as well as a cassian rper. i’ve had a headcanon since last december that in my rebel / survival verse, padmé ships leia and cassian pretty heavily and it’s been a running joke as well as a serious headcanon on my blog since i moved padmé to her own account off my multi. you can find recorded instances of this here, here, here, and here. i mention this and include screenshots because, to this day, i’ve never seen another padmé rper have this headcanon. that is, until jaz. i made this post as a general shitpost on april 24th, back when, again, jaz and i were still mutuals, and when her blog was only three days old. 

five minutes later, she made this post, as evidenced by my dash timestamps. not only had she just used the same scrambling of padmé's name, she’d also used the same headcanon i’d had since january. did this make me suspicious? definitely. it was a bit of a slap in the face for me, if i’m being a hundred percent honest, but again, i was willing to merely squint at her and let it go. i wasn’t going to start a fight over something petty and small like this, but it was definitely making me keep a closer eye on her blog and her headcanons, to see if she was taking anything else from me. if you’re still doubting whether or not i was still attempting to be friendly and chill about this with her, i actually replied to her post about cassian and leia mentioning that this was a long standing headcanon of mine, and that i was glad to see someone agreeing with me. of course, you can’t see this comment anymore, because she’s blocked me since then, but you can see that she @’d me after the fact to make another comment in agreement, which you can find here. so even though i was suspicious and keeping an eye out, i was still writing things off as coincidence, and trying to be friendly, because we were still mutuals. 

then i started noticing some more things: headcanons, threads, and most damning of all, an edit that was directly lifted from the one i’ve already pasted in here. unfortunately, i don’t have a screenshot of the edit itself, because i was so irritated at the time it didn’t occur to me to screenshot it, and she later took it down at my request, but that’s featured in our conversation you’ll see later. as far as headcanons go, there was a meme on the dash on may first that was to the effect of ‘send me nsfw headcanons you have about my character and i’ll tell you if they’re true or not’, which started the meat of the problem with jaz and i. here are a few of my published asks, obviously featuring nsfw text. while a few of these came from anon messages, most if not all of these were already headcanons i’d had previously and had been vocal about on my blog, just expanded on by anons. one. two. three. the third one is especially important here, as it’s something i’ve been super vocal about, and something jaz had never mentioned on her blog, until i posted that answered ask. she’s also stolen some general headcanons that are specific to my characterization of padmé, as detailed in these screenshots/posts, regarding her appearance info. jaz’s original ‘detailed appearance info’ survey can be found here, posted on april 27th, shortly before i’d reblogged my own version of the survey. note the voice section: “VOICE: soft, eloquent, a little childlike.” i’d initially posted mine in march, and then reblogged it again on april 27th, with some updated headcanons, mainly just a change of wording here and there to make it more clear and adjusting some scar and bra size headcanons. notice the wording of the voice headcanon, specifically. this is something i’ve had as a headcanon since march, if not earlier; i’ve got NUMEROUS posts on my archived blog about how i’ve headcanoned padmé to have an accent in every verse i have for her. on june 12th, a month and a half later, jaz updated her detailed appearance info survey, found here. note the wording on her voice section here in this updated version. it’s almost word for word this headcanon i posted back in january, with just a different location of the accent’s origin.

she also ripped off at least two threads of mine, one of which relating to vader and padmé reuniting after his surgery / procedure / whatever you wanna call it after mustafar, where he’s in the suit for the first time. i don’t have caps of her version of the thread, though i do have her wishlist post, and as you can see here and here, chloe ( @oletherian ) and i have been doing this since december, when i was still rping padmé on my multi. she also started doing a thread with one of her anakin partners dealing with anakin’s ptsd after the zygerria arc of the clone wars, which you can find here. i noticed this because chloe and i are the ONLY anakin and padmé blogs who were doing a thread relating to this topic, and i noticed jaz posting a reply to her version of the thread two days after chloe had replied to ours, which, combined with the content, made me incredibly suspicious. 

eventually. my friend wren then went on to send jaz an ask, off anon, asking her about all this, as i was getting more and more worked up by the incidents of what appeared to be blatant theft. jaz did not answer, and blocked him outright, though she later denied this. another friend also sent her asks, off and on anon, which she continued to ignore, until she finally got one that she answered, which you can see here. note the tags: “not even gonna reply to this bs until someone approaches me off anon”. at this point in time, at least two people already had, and she’d blocked them outright. 

shortly after posting this, she sent me an ask, as we were still mutuals at the time, giving me her skype and asking me if we could talk privately, to which i agreed, as i was more than willing to work things out with her on a private level. i prefer to handle things one on one to making a huge spectacle of things, and i was glad she was willing to talk to me privately. here is a complete record of our conversation.

( as a note for clarity: at the time, wren, ( @spectrefive ) , was still using his url “weaponexpert”, and still going by she/them pronouns, which is why i referred to him with neutral and feminine pronouns in these messages. obviously, he no longer uses those pronouns, but i just wanted to clarify in case there was some confusion. )

so while jaz agreed to delete the headcanons and the edit, she only deleted the edit. the headcanons are all still up on her archived blog and implemented on her current blog to this day. now, i was willing to let all this go, as we had both agreed to unfollow, block, and move on, despite the fact that i’ve gotten multiple anonymous hate messages that i’m pretty positive are from her due to the typing style ( there’s no date on this because i was mobile - and visiting my grandfather in the hospital ! - when i saw them, but the date was june eighteenth. of course, i don’t have proof because they were sent on anon and i don’t have an ip tracker on my blog, but the signs line up a bit too much for me to write this off as coincidence. ) , because again: i prefer to deal with these things privately and move on. i didn’t entirely believe her when she said nothing was actively stolen from me, or when she claimed not to have blocked wren after her sent her a message, but it wasn’t about belief. i’d said what i needed to say, so had she, and we’d moved on. 

then she started doing the same thing to red. most of you are familiar with this by now, as this is what’s started the drama currently, but for clarification, red wrote some nsfw headcanons on her old satine blog, found here, which she posted on the second of july. jaz then posted some extremely similar headcanons on the twenty seventh of august, right after blocking red’s blog. shortly after this was posted, red received this anonymous message, which then set the dash off. 

so anyway, there you have it. if you want to reblog this post, there’s nothing stopping you, but frankly, i’m not posting it to try and change anyone’s mind on who jaz is as a person or whether or not they want to interact with her. you’re all your own people and free to do whatever you want to or don’t want to do. it’s not my call. but i do stand by what i’ve said in my rules: i won’t have her on my dash from this point forward. thank you for taking the time to read this, and i hope you have a wonderful day.

[boyf-riends]

Could you write something about mr heere & Jeremy awkwardly coming out to each other at the same time? Or mr heere/mr reyes wedding? Or both? I just found out about this ship but there's like nothing for it on Tumblr, please help, I'm dying for more!

WHY NOT BOTH buckle in your seatbelts everyone, this post is hella long For coming out to each other I figure Mr Heere would suspect that Jeremy wasn't straight and would also try to be pretty nonchalant about coming out, whereas Jeremy would see it as a more important topic. I also feel like Mr Heere would be the one to initiate the conversation even if it wasn't fully intended. Anyways I made this vague in what their sexualities were specifically so believe whatever you want Jeremy was more than confused when he heard his dad bustling around the house on an otherwise quiet Tuesday evening. "Dad?" He called, popping his head out of his room. "Are you going somewhere?" Mr. Heere appeared at the other end of the hall, and surprisingly, he had pants on. "I have a date," he said. "Do I look okay?" Jeremy stepped into the hallway, eyeing his father skeptically. "A date? Really? And I wouldn't wear that tie with that shirt." Mr Heere huffed in defiance, taking off his tie. "Yes, a date. I have to pick him up in half an hour." Jeremy was already on his way back into his room, but he froze at a certain word. He leaned back out, squinting with suspicion. "Him?" Mr Heere shrugged. "Some people are interested in people of the same gender, it's completely normal-" "No no no, I knew that, I just didn't know, that you, uh, liked men, that's all." Jeremy stammered. "Oh, alright. Anyways, I'm taking him to dinner so I should be back around 9 or 10-" "I like boys too," Jeremy blurted. He felt a blush creep up his cheeks and ears. "Not that it's a big deal! It's just that you told me just now so I thought it would make sense to tell you. That I like boys, I mean. I just thought it was relevant because you like boys and hey, that's cool, me too! Ahahahaha anyways have fun on your date bye!" He said quickly, sliding back into his room and slamming his bedroom door behind him. Mr Heere smiled to himself, starting to walk back towards his room. "That's great, but which tie should I wear?" "Your blue one! The rest of them are ugly!" Jeremy yelled in reply. It's good to know that some things will never change. And for the second part of the ask, idk much about weddings and stuff but I do have some Thoughts to share (it turned into many many thoughts but who exists to stop me other than the hand of god himself) •They would probably change their names to Reyes-Heere •Mr Reyes probably planned a lot of the wedding himself •But it wasn't very big and it was mostly just close friends and family •Mr Heere would probably be super nervous on the day of and Jeremy would have to help calm him down •On the day of the wedding Jeremy cooked them breakfast in bed (the eggs were kinda burnt but he tried and they both teared up) •Jeremy loves his two wonderful dads so much and he is hella proud of them •Jeremy gives the best man speech and it's fantastic •Suddenly I'm tempted to write this and if you're reading this bullet point right now that means I'm in the process of turning this into a full fledged fic instead of writing it here so congrats bmc fandom my simple shitpost is now going to be an entire fanfiction this is what happens when you give crack ship gremlins the attention they want•All of the squip squad kids (the teenage characters) would come. And they would be super hype. •Christine would cry during their vows •Michael would gently pat Christine's shoulder as she cried. "It's just, so beautiful, Michael. They're so happy"•As they say "I do" Jeremy happens to lock eyes with Michael and he thinks "Wow... I want to marry Michael"  and then he's shook for the rest of eternity •The wedding reception is iconic and I don't want to spoil too much of the mischevious soup I am brewing in my brain but it's amazing •I know, this is the most important part. What you've all been waiting for. Tumblr user boyf-riends, you say. What is their wedding song. Calm down, I say. I wish I could tell you. But I can't. My mom and I have been talking about it for fifteen minutes and we can't decide. Please share your ideas.  •Very faintly in my distorted mind's eye I see Paul Whitty slow dancing with himself •Late that evening after they get home while his lawfully wedded dads are finishing up packing for their honeymoon (sidenote: they're just going to NYC for a week to see a bunch of shows and be touristy lmao) Jeremy's kinda dazed and one of The Dads is like "Jeremy are you okay?? You seem kinda upset" and Jeremy just slams his hands down on the table, and says completely seriously "I want to marry Michael" •Mr Reyes-Heere (the birth dad) is like "Okay" and Mr Reyes-Heere (the teacher) starts laughing and then just walks over to Jeremy and hugs him and then it becomes a family hug and omg I'm crying rihgt now wha t thge fuckkc,,,

[ark-of-eden]

R is drunk and raving (not in the party way).

(R:) Additionally, I’m procrastinating like a fucking champion at working on fic construction, so you know the best use of my time is going off about random social media crap on the internet.

tl;dr: Putting all commentary in tags on Tumblr makes R cry and shit thousands of words into the Internet.

Every social media site inevitably develops sets of unwritten social conventions. Some of them actually make sense as being derived from meatspace etiquette and therefore you don’t really have to stress about remembering them as long as you play nice like a decent creature.

And some of them just don’t make any fucking sense that I can see. Folks on Twitter using a deliberately space-limited form of media to write a page’s worth or more in a string of 30+ rapidfire tweets? This is just how it’s done over there? (Tweetlonger exists but for some reason these massive chain-tweeters never seem to use it. Same with posting the whole thing in a long-form site like LJ/DW/Tumblr and just linking it to a tweet.)

And Tumblr has things that I literally had to put effort into learning after I migrated here, and after I learned about them I frankly decided to ignore them because I couldn’t see the point in them. Tumblr has this bizarre allergy to commentary and, likely derived from that, the practice of instead commenting by putting it all in awkward tags that render the tagging system not especially useful and are harder to get to if you’re actually interested in an individual’s thoughts about a thing and not just the twelfth instance of the same post crossing your dash in a day or two. It’s not like you can’t engage with people, because asks and messaging and such exist, but like...there’s this strong sense that it’s Terribly Ill-Mannered to weigh in with your own impressions right there, in the body of the post, typing your own words in that seductive, wide-open text box that appears all on its own when you go to reblog something. The properly-socialized Tumblrite eschews that tempting text field and instead posts weird sentence fragments in tag form (interspersed with actual tags that might serve to usefully categorize the post’s content), to the extent that some people can add on a good couple paragraphs of material down among the hashtags where others need to go looking for it on purpose if they want it. (I, at least, haven’t been able to find a plugin or something that automatically expands full tags on all posts so that I don’t have to fuck around with extra interface elements to get to them. I admit that I haven’t looked super hard, though.)

Preserving the original form of the OP’s post is a noble practice that I heartily support, but how is adding commentary a problem if you’re only adding a separate thing, not taking away or altering anything in the original...? This was already a practice/convention/code of social interaction on Tumblr when I got here, so I was never in the front row to witness this element taking shape. I suppose it must have made good sense at the time, but every time I see ten people reblogging the same post with no additions and a paragraph of tags appended to it, it’s like a splinter in my brain that has been digging into me for years now.

And I’m not hating on people who do that! I get that that’s The Way It’s Done Here and I am the deviant weirdo for continually adding comments directly onto things that I reblog. Tags are where individuality lives here, unless you’re producing your own original posts, which I guess other people are then supposed to reblog without commentary so that you have to go hunting after all the reblogs individually if you want to get an actual sense of what these people were all thinking when they reblogged your thing. It all just seems...so...WORK INTENSIVE, refusing to use site functions as they were intended??

Look, I absolutely know that my commentary is not the work of incisive genius that unfailingly adds value to every post I find worthy of my attention. We’re pretty much solid shitposting on this blog. Because I’m a little loaded at the moment and that gives me a handy excuse to run my fingers like an idiot (plus I put that readmore up there, so if your eyes are actually consuming these words, you have only yourself to blame for being here), let me run down relevant history of how we got here.

LJ was home for a good long while. Then shit got seriously messed up and Dreamwidth was created as a better LJ, so we migrated all our stuff over there. And journaling sites along those lines still feel like a native environment. I, in particular, am the most long-winded piece of shit we know and I am honestly incapable of talking about anything of worth in short form. It’s a sickness and I just sort of have to own it. :/ But that’s why journaling sites are a good place for me to live, because that’s where people go when they have the inclination to read meandering scrawls about the depths of other people’s lives or whatever.

We went to Twitter for a good while because all the cool people we knew from LJ were going there for some unfathomable reason. These people wrote things that were complex and fascinating to read, so all of them jumping ship to a place that limited them to 140-character chunks made no damn sense, but we loved those people and wanted to trust that they knew what the hell they were doing. And they probably did, and a couple of us were actually okay with Twitter, but I, being the long-winded shitpiece, spent a lot of time frustrated and kind of overstimulated.

Then things started going to hell more and more consistently for me personally (and us generally by extension, but that’s unnecessary detail). Bunkering down specifically to protect people that you care about from the fallout of your crazy is a fairly common thing for mentally-ill people to do, I think. So I’d shut up online until I felt stable enough to talk to people again. Those periods lasted a few days, then a week or more, then a month, then eventually I stopped talking entirely. I missed the LJ/DW format, but in the past I’d written about life events and things I was thinking about and such, so...at the time, all I really had to write about was the bad stuff. So LJ/DW was basically unusable as well.

I literally came here to be as shallow as I could possibly manage. Tumblr had a rapid, chaotic flow similar to Twitter, but could hold longer content like LJ/DW. We’ve never really used the site’s full functionality at any point, though. For at least a year, all we were following was the most lightweight, zero-calorie entertainment that we could find. (We actually came here for Flight Rising content, so there was a lot of that.) Being engaged with fandom in any consistent respect is an extremely recent thing.

And I’m not saying that fandom hasn’t got depth and complexity because it absolutely does and that’s one of the beautiful things about shared fan experiences. I kind of got into that sort of fandom by accident after getting here and rediscovering Transformers. But the unvoiced policy that I’ve always had here is to avoid the Too Real and dodge serious topics whenever possible. Thus, no gender theory, no neurodivergence or multiplicity, no nonhumanity, no religion or UPG, nothing with real substance behind it that bared real vulnerabilities. (Apparently this was a good move anyway because the nonhuman and multiplicity situation here on Tumblr is a bit of a clusterfuck? I honestly wouldn’t know, as I haven’t made a lot of effort to link up with those folks.) That’s still the policy. That might remain the policy forever until I reach some vaguely-defined threshold of sanity that makes me worthy of talking about those things in places and formats that other people can interact with.

And I’m sorry for all this talk about mental illness, but it’s simpler just to explain things clearly. I likely won’t go into any more detail about it on Tumblr. Or anywhere else, because I care about people even if I’ve never met them or talked to them at all and I still want to keep it all in the bunker to protect good people from the crazy. Sometimes, all you can do is just prevent the damage from spilling out into other people’s lives, and that’s the place that I usually operate from.

I’m still pretty drunk, so I’m allowed to ramble from too much truth serum, but all of that explanation was to get around to saying that the format of online communication that is most intuitive to me is the long, oversharing gut-spill of random people talking about things that are really meaningful to them - not in the sense of elaborate philosophy or artsy epistles to the cosmos, but just people being super real about things that are meaningful to them and going into lots of detail about them because gushing about things you love is great. And it’s possible to get that sort of discussion and gushing in Tumblr fandom, and I love it because it reminds me of better times, and the fact that I love it is WHY IT MAKES ME SO GODDAMN FRUSTRATED that Tumblr culture is basically stifling discussion and feedback and RESPONSE to things that people find interesting!!

Like, here’s how I see it. Unlike on LJ/DW, where you were limited to hyperlinking to a cool post in one of your own posts if you wanted your readers to go check it out, on Tumblr, if you find a super cool thing, you can pull it directly into your space and let other people experience it directly, exactly as you experienced it. But the thing is, I also subscribe to the My Blog My House concept. If I pull a thing into my “home,” I do it because there’s something homelike about it; it belongs in my home for some specific reason. I don’t take “ownership” of an item in the sense that I’m claiming it in place of its creator, but I’m taking ownership of it in the sense that it’s part of my Stuff now and it’ll get my fingerprints all over it and be blended into the general morass of Stuff that I recognize as my home. I don’t just pull random crap into my home for no reason at all.

And I just figure that other people are similar in the sense that they reblog things for distinct, unique reasons, not in the sense that they have some master plan for their blog content (some do, but it’s not necessary), but just that they have compelling reasons why they pick certain bits of content out of the larger river of their dashboard and put it in their own space for people to experience with them. I follow people based on the interesting things that they find interesting. I’m interested in why they’re interested in those things. They seem like interesting people to me because they’re interested in what they’re interested in.

But the WHY is a really important part of the equation for me. Did this person reblog that photo because they’ve been to that place themselves, because they like that kind of tree, because they reblog photos with that color scheme every Thursday? Did that person reblog that piece of art because they love that character, because they’re studying that art medium, because it reminded them of something funny they saw somewhere else? People attach their own context to things that they latch onto. It’s so freaking weird to me that people have to hide their interpretations or impressions in tags here on Tumblr, making them unimportant and optional in the process of sharing things they like with others. (Okay, people also share a lot of things they hate, but reasons for outrage are still part of the context that one adds to content.)

I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE SHOWING ME. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES IT IMPORTANT TO YOU. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT MAKES YOU THINK AND FEEL. Even if it’s a blurb about how giant robots fuck or a cute kitten video, I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS.

Not in excruciating detail or with insightful analysis or even a lot of text at all. Mostly, the things that people put in tags are things that, to me, are a really crucial part of the experience of being able to go into someone’s “home” and see the Stuff that they chose to put in it. Reducing oneself to a glorified signal repeater is...okay, I guess, though it turns a Tumblr blog into a kind of faceless stream of other people’s material a lot of the time. The personal touch is what makes it all interesting. And I’m just unutterably frustrated that, somewhere along the line, it was decided that personalizing an experience by sharing one’s own impressions of it became rude enough that polite society decided that it had to be hidden away in tags. I want all of it, so I do go looking for it, but omg it requires MORE EFFORT and BURNING CALORIES and BODILY MOVEMENT and WAAAAH, you know what I mean. :P

And possibly Tumblr society is right and it’s done for a good, decent purpose and I’m being pigheaded and uncool by insisting on doing things my way without bothering to try and understand the local customs. I’m not usually that much of an asshole, but I am about this, for some reason. And I admit that my craving for those personal touches could very well spring from how utterly isolated and lonely I am, so maybe normal people really don’t need all the extra info and actually do just want mostly-impersonal streams of content. And that’s fine, since I know I’m kind of a weirdo even on my best days.

I’m pretty sure that that was all that I really wanted to say. I’m probably overreacting about the whole comments-in-tags thing. Like I said, it’s kind of an irrational irritation. Also, I need to stop before I write myself sober and no longer have an excuse for all of this. If you actually read all of that, you are an awesome, generous person and I’m pretty damn certain that I love you even though I have no idea who you are.

[uncannycookie]

WIP meme

I was tagged by @sixsaltysweets! Thank you! ^-^

List all the things you’re currently working on in as much or little detail as you’d like, then tag some friends to see what they’re working on. This can be writing, art, vids, gifsets, whatever.

my original stuff:

1. Chant of Stars (I hate translating titles, it sounds much cooler in German I swear >.<): Emri’s story. It’s a constant construction site. This bloodsucking monster will never be finished. It started out as a classical “Chosen One saves the world from the Big Bad” kinda thing years ago when I was like, thirteen, and by now it’s sort of an attempt to subvert some of those exact fantasy genre clichés. I’m not saying it’s clever or anything, but I’m working on it.

Here are some of the working titles this thing has had throughout the years:

Anxious Mage Is Doing His Best

Trying To Help But Inadvertently Just Making Things Worse: A Character Study

Death And Misfortune. Also At Least One (1) Cute Kitten.

Why Are There No Dragons In This

2. Also, here’s a months old drawing of Emri that I occasionally go back to but have no stamina to actually finish because *gently fingerguns backwards out the door* 

3. Desert Sailor: Gil’s story. I’ve translated some snippets of it into English before, they’re here if anyone’s interested. It’s kind of bad since translations are hard and also this is all from the very first draft still, so... eh. I might go back to working on this one when I’m done with ANLG - though the motivation to work on my own stuff is really super low right now. After this whole fanfic experience where people are actually interested in what I write, it’d just be so goddamn lonely to go back to writing stuff nobody reads or cares about T-T

fandom stuff

1. And Nearly Letting Go: I mean. You know this one. It’s probably the only reason you’re following me ^_^;

It’s on a bit of a hiatus at the moment because *quietly backflips out the window* Don’t worry I’ll finish it, I’ve just been working on it for too long now and I need a break.

2. Prompts: I still have 10 or 11 prompts in my inbox. I promise I have not forgotten about them! They’re really helping me getting over my ANLG writer’s block actually, the last one I did was super fun. I’ve started writing 2 more and taking notes on 3 others already. Some of them are very difficult for me actually, but I’ll do my best!

3. Sneak peak of a silly thing that I may or may not finish:

I wanted to do 2 of those, but it’s way more work than I thought and I draw very slowly, so lets see if I have enough willpower to complete these.

(Yes even low quality shitposts are too time consuming when I do them. Y’all have no idea how long I take to even finish one simple sketch T-T)

4. Sketches: Since we’re on the subject... I have 2 rough sketches lying around that I wanna finish at some point, one of Mob with a cat (because Mob+Cats will always give me feels) and one of - ehhhh terumob kisses? o///o Which. Yeah. I’m no good at drawing stuff like that so I might never ever post it, but I wanted to give it a try ^_^;

Okay you know what I think that’s long enough, I’m not gonna ramble about all the half finished sketches or vague story ideas I never really started, because most of those aren’t WIPs so much as they are just orphans abandoned by the side of the road at this point.

Tagging friends!

@fireflysummers, @auro-cyanide, @sonicsarah1117, @azeher, @thecommonercomet, @keishota, show me what you got! (As always, only if you want! 💙)