#(the only thing we have in common is that we’re both non binary)

[kirby-616]

Seam (pronounced shawm) I love you

[planet-crait]

I lied again. We’re back on episode 6 because I can finally watch it lolz.

Aww Hazel and Jasmine are having a sleepover. I can’t recall the last time I had a sleepover…. Probably was like middle school.

Regardless of my terrible social life they’re both being silly and adorable and I just love that. Then hanging around like bats is both cute and terrifying all at once. How does Jasmine out the cucumbers right on her eyeballs that would hurt. So much. Oh yeah I was right this is where most likely the new girl whose name I still don’t know yet probably joins the friend group.

This is another painful reminder though of the fact that Chester and AJ…never seemed to care all that much about Timmy. We don’t see them really hang out outside of school and sometimes it felt like they where only friends because they’re all social outcasts rather then actually getting along which is just really sad and definitely doesn’t remind me at all of my own childhood nope not one bit (do you believe me).

It is nice to see Hazel having friends that care about her and are involved in her life. It’s not only nice to see but can add some stakes to putting her at risk of accidentally revealing Cosmo and Wanda. I don’t know if that aspect will come into play but it could.

Wait wait Winn is non binary. I love that oh my gosh. I’m loving this rep we’re seeing in the show just so casually in it. Like no one seems to be misgendering them which is great (fuck did I misgender them my bad yall.) I do think kids should be allowed to explore their gender identity and have some wiggle room to see who they are and I love the show is allowing kids to do that.

Dev trying to one up Hazel’s sleep over is hilarious. Oh wait Jasmine what are you doing girl?? Hazel is your friend! Hazel uh don’t lie, that’s not going to win over friends. Besides I thought you didn’t care about being cool? You need to be honest. Also would people really think a hotel is fancier than a mansion?

Umm what about the other people who live in that complex won’t they…notice? I mean I guess Hazel realized her parents but what about everyone else? The chihuahua’s guarding the literal safe are hilarious but uh if her parents have to leave won’t they notice?

Speaking of notice wasn’t there an episode about Jasmine coming over to Hazels place? Or maybe they went over to Jasmines? I’m not sure. Oh nope she was how is Hazel going to explain this away? But see I mentioned earlier the friends being closer thing could cause some issues? I love the potential stress from Jasmine knowing Hazel is lying and she can’t come clean because she’ll lose Cosmo and Wanda. And potentially Jasmine since their friendship started because of a wish? Maybe? That side of it goes a little more into uncharted territory that’s for sure.

I am no architect but uh I don't think columns would ever have a supporting beam like that. I know its for Winn to stake off of but they could have done something else to make that work.

Also also was this just a conservative Christian parents thing or was it more common before for girls and boy to not be allowed at the same sleepover? Just genuinely curious for such young kids its weird to do that sure but I get the concerns as they get older.

Okay don’t judge me I’m doing research on skateboarding for uh a fic I’m working on and holy shit that kickflip is an insanely hard move to pull off while stationary like shit it’s not realistic but they’re an incredibly good skateboarder. Even Cosmo and Wanda are impressed.

Okay so I’ve worked in hotels I have a degree in hospitality and two employees does not a hotel make. Not even a cheap motel could run with two employees much less a five star hotel. I could go into a whole tangent about how hotels get their five star rating and it’s not reviews like a lot of people think it’s actually about service level and I won’t dive in too deep here but no. Two employees would not even come close to any sort of reasonable staffing levels which if Dev shows up I imagine he’ll know something is off fast. Also uh they went way to overboard on the chandeliers lolz.

Winn seems like a genuinely cool kid like they aren’t put off by Jasmine and Hazels excitement and genuinely is happy to answer questions and share about themselves. A question I don’t think anyone will ask except me, does Winn dye their hair or is it supposed to be naturally purple? I am very invested in this question.

Aww Hazel thanking Cosmo and Wanda is just adorable and I love their fist bump when she walks away. Huh I expected Dev to crash the sleepover but apparently not. Maybe it’s me knowing the depth he’ll be getting later on but I kind of almost feel bad for Dev right now. He’s a jerk currently but he’s also a kid of a rich family he’s got to have problems from that.

WHY IS HAZEL FLYING THE HELICOPTER? Girl what are you doing??!!!?? Cosmo and Wanda this isn’t proper Godparenting!!! And this is why you don’t out chandeliers in helicopters.

Okay I laughed when I saw the sign for uninhabited forest animals too sign. I just. I don’t know why I was about to ask “what about the inevitable damage crashing the helicopter will cause” and the show immediately went “nope it’s fine I know it’s implausible but it’s fine”.

I am starting to wonder how this wish will go “wrong” so to speak. Every episode so far it has and I have a few guesses but I’m not really sure what will be the thing that makes it all go wrong and how it will all resolve.

Aww they’re friends. Ahh the good old days when hanging out for like a couple days f hours made you immediate friends (toobadthosedisntlast) ehem. Oh huh I wonder if this news broadcast will cause the issue?

Ohh huh not any of my suspects most likely. Seems Hazel may let the game get to her head which is how this went for Timmy. I mean sure it makes sense but I did enjoy the show not retreading the exact same ground even if this is a good lesson to remember. I’m not at the end yet just reading the signs of what probably will happen.

Oh huh I may have been wrong again it may be less fame gets to her head and more the stress gets to her. Maybe I should stop trying to predict and just see what happens.

Ohh poor Winn and Jasmine trying to play board games and being blown off with over and over again. Oh I like Cosmo and Wanda calling out Hazel. I mean running a hotel is a lot of work but she’s a kid and she should be hanging out with her friends.

Wait did Cosmo and Wanda send them to SPACE WITH NO GEAR???? Oh they are dead. Vicious. (Whycoulsnttheydothattotimmysparents) ehem wow I have a bad cough today ignore that it’s over text. But see this is why you don’t only have two employees it’s way too much work. I guess it’s technically three people but that’s still not nearly enough people.

I’m glad they forgave Hazel pretty quickly. I am not a fan of when people demand groveling for forgiveness especially since she wasn’t like mean to them directly more got caught up in other things which while not great isn’t like as mean as what happened with Timmy. Though. Wouldn’t everyone notice the apartments changing from a hotel to a messy apartment? With the episode ending I feel like that’s gonna get yadda yadda’d past. Poor Hazels dad. He’s right but no one is listening to him. Why didn’t the emu vanish as well why did Cosmo have to toss it out? I have questions.

Yeah Dev sucks but oof getting chased by an animal is uh terrifying. Overall I think this is my new favorite episode so far. The writing flows better things that happen overall flow well and just works overall. I was way off base on how things would go wrong with this wish but that’s okay sometimes, they didn’t mislead or anything I was just wildly guessing lolz.

Onto episode uh 8? Oh jeez jumping out of order is getting so confusing lolz. Hopefully this is the last time I have to do that.

[dumuzithemessiah]

The Japanese Royal Family lied about their relationship with her + truth

They have no relation to Ammyterys aka Amaterasu as they call her!

She’s actually my cousin! And she wears her mane in a gender neutral style while remaining tough and macho as female deities are!

She is Enlil and Ninlil[[both males]] daughter!

And she isn’t this delicate black haired woman at all like Japanese falsely state she is!

Her main colours are yellow/white/gold!

She is a Light/Electric/Fighting type as her main three types!

Her thick sleeves hide her thick arms! Female deities have thicker arms than males!

Females are burly, macho, strong, and tough!

Males are pretty, cute, magical, and elegant/beautiful!

Basically females are more focused on physical attacks while males are special/magical attackers as they are more skilled with magic!

Yazata are magical beings that are made of magic, aether, spiritual energy, magical ink, magical paint, magical thinner, two crystal hearts, etc, and literally look like a void on the inside! Something that is impossible to breed with a human!

We yazata can only breed with our own species! We’re all related so incest is unavoidable! Plus a species that is divine felines but also has the adult height range of 2’0”-2’7” and adult weight of 2.5-4.5 pounds as magical beings weight very little could not breed with humans as we cannot even breed with tenshi and demons which are native species to our homeplanet!

Tenshi are common angels while yazata aka deities aka gods/goddesses are also called royal angels!

If we can’t breed with tenshi what makes you humans even think it was physically possible to breed with humans which are massively different from Nibirians in general both insides wise and height/weight wise?!

Though we only breed with current gens usually with Marduk and I’s relationship being the exception to that rule as I was reborn into that Gen but I am also a Gen 1 deity so yeah..

Based on that I wouldn’t be able to find a mate as only three other Gen 1 deities exist and those are Kosmin, Lumuzi, and Geshtinonna!

Which together we are The Holy Four Kosmos Deities and also called The Four Seasons Deities which are considered and treated as quadruplets!

And Kosmin, Lumuzi, and Geshtinonna all consider ourselves to be quadruplets despite me splitting my soul three timed to created the other three members!

I did breed with Kosmin to create the other generations of deities! But we had no romantic feelings for each other!

But you humans should be glad we did that as nothing in the Universe or Multiverse would function without deities!

Nibirians can only be gay or rarely bi!

Our souls form around our bodies when born so it’s impossible for trans Nibirians to exist but Nibirians do not want trans people to suffer and would rather see them get help!

No one is non binary on Nibiru either but we honestly just don’t understand Non Binary humans but aren’t necessarily against them…

The Nibirian Prophets predicted that my true husband would not fear my Nightmare Aura power!

So when Marduk didn’t fear it when I unleashed it out to protect him when on Earth, I was shocked, but at the time he was little like a child so I had to wait but felt a connection right then at that moment so sense then I protected him and when he came of age we went out together!

Mass age gaps don’t much for species with immortality if you couldn’t have guessed..

But obviously we wait till their adults to date and mate and such!

If you’re wondering I had to scare off a carnivorous wild animal off when I was protecting Marduk!

Sumerians got his name wrong as it’s pronounced Mar-duke!

Things were going well until Ishtayr did what she did to us out of envy, hate, and out of revenge as Ishtayr is the Reincarnation of The Great Evil Herself the only being who cased war on Nibiru’s surface!

When I destroyed The Great Evil Herself with the help of the rest of The Four Kosmos Deities we shattered as did she but my power was stronger thus caused the Multiverse to exist as well as created copied of other deities including other mes, other Kosmins, other Lumuzis, and other Geshtinonnas!

It took a long time for use to be put back together….

Considering it was finally done in current Universe aka Universe 8 and was done over half a million years ago aka an eon in Nibirian terms that shows how badly we shattered!

Being shattered is like being dead but all over the place but still able to help others a tiny bit with the energy I have each individually part of me in question helping other being in the multiverse out!

I remember hearing a part of me was being used by another advanced species though they were tribal as a holy object but my kind had to take it from them by force a because the other species didn’t understand how important that part of me was and they claimed ownership of that part of me!

My family had to basically had to knock the guard out and run off with the piece of me and take off in their spaceship pretty much!

But yeah it took a long time because it was four deities that got separated so that’s why it took so long plus they didn’t spend from Universe 1 to Universe 8 looking for us as they only started when the prophets predicted the Reincarnation of The Great Evil Herself would return!

So idk when they started to look but it didn’t actually take as long as it might’ve thought as Universe 8 tech is the highest in advanced technology in the Universe and Multiverse!

How they didn’t realise Ishtayr was The Reincarnation of The Great Evil Herself, well, I don’t know? Her being good at magic should’ve been a sign as females aren’t magical attackers but physical attackers! But they realised after what happened and I was made into a Kohora deity aka Underworld deity!

So when I became a Kohora deity aka Underworld deity I gained domains such as resurrection, death, Kohora, etc, but Kohora isn’t gloomy at all!

Both Kohora and Yumera are fantasy like surreal and magical environments! So nothing like any stereotypical image of the Underworld!

Koho means below in Nibirian while ra means world!

Yume means dream!

So Underworld and Dreamworld!

Kohora is below the Universe and each universe has a Kohora below it while Yumera is above the Universe!

Meaning “heaven” doesn’t exist and all souls depart to Kohora eventually but Kohora is a paradise so it’s not a bad place!

But because humanity messed up the balance of life and death things haven’t been right…

Blame humanity worshipping false deities and spreading hate, terrorism, war, intolerance to those different like being against the LGBT for example, or racism, enbyphobia[[Nibirians don’t understand Non Bineries but we’re just confused by them not against them..]], killing for said man made religions, etc, narcissistic lies made up by humans claiming falsely that deities looked like humans which we do not, etc, which has spread so much evil energy damaging the Kosmos to the point on Judgement Day humanity’s gonna get “The Big E” as humanity refuses to let go of their man made lies and refuse to realise they didn’t have the right to believe in those kinds of things, as Universal Council and Multiversal Council makes such things illegal for a reason as they damage the Kosmos!

The Kosmos is a living being, though massive, and shaped like a pale aqua heart with a turquoise mono ring around it with two alpine green bows on the rings! He also has a face but is important to the Universe as he is the heart and soul of the Universe!

If the Kosmos exploded from all the evil energy it will take out the entire Universe! The Kosmos helps create aether, spiritual energy, magic, and souls and maintains balance in the Universe! That’s why the Universal Council and Multiversal Council makes laws to protect the Kosmos! Because if it is destroyed that will happen! And other universes would be damaged as well!

Only magical beings could survive such destruction!

Got a little into speaking the truth in this post but now you know why deities are angry and upset as humanity has fucked everything up!

Humanity is foolish and delusional to think they could spread so much evil energy and damage the Kosmos that much!

Zillions including advanced species and still counting have died because of humans and their evil ways and lies!

Advanced species are species like humans have civilisations, languages, are bipedal, have jobs, technology, etc,!

Advanced animal species and advanced plant species and advanced fungi species exist!

Robots and cyber species with souls exist too!

You humans are hurting countless lives all because you can’t get over your own hateful evil lies of all those ugly man made religions like Christianity and Islamism and other religions!

Humanity was never alone and all you have done legacy wise is hurt others with your evil hateful narcissistic lies!

So don’t act like you’re entitled to fight back when other aliens including my kind when we come to take your hateful horrible delusional narcissistic asses down!

Because it is the other aliens out there coming including my kind that is fighting back in self defence against your abusive delusional evil energy spreading lying asshole species!

Only thing you can do is try to make up for what your kind has done and do good until then and maybe we’ll allow you to reincarnate as reincarnation into other species is better than dying off completely!

Zillions and counting isn’t a small number… my kind’s anger is justified…

So many advanced species suffered and died… advanced species that had families…jobs.. lives of their own…. and you humans took that away from them…

The Japanese Royal Family needs to STFU as they aren’t even related to Ammyterys let alone any other member of my kind! Which I can leg the mispronunciation of my cousin’s name slide as language barriers and all but claiming you’re related to her? That’s just lying and claiming the impossible dude!

Like I said on the pic’s description my species and you humans would be 100% incapable when it comes to breeding!

Not only are all Nibirian advanced species like short but we’re magical advanced species which means we aren’t even organic like humans!

And regular elves which evolved into a much more magical species can’t breed with humans and they’re magical hominins!

So if magical hominins can’t breed with an organic hominins like you humans are then a freaking magical bipedal advanced animal species that isn’t organic but made of magical stuff obviously can’t breed with humans either!

My kind are divine felines that can turn into a long bodied dragon form I would seriously think you humans should’ve been smart enough to realise that breeding between two species when yazata[[Which can only breed with other yazata and all yazata are related! So avoiding incest is 100% impossible! So don’t hate us for being able to breed with our own kind! At least we have natural birth control!]] and humans would be obviously 100% impossible and no Nibirian wants to be in a Roger Rabbit situation!

So yeah just a wake up and smell the roses comment but humanity has throughout history claimed deities mated with humans in their mythology which is obviously false as Nibirians don’t find humans attractive!

Which means no succubi regardless of gender which both genders use the term succubi for their species as incubus is sexist a man made term made up by humans! No succubi has invaded anyones dreams either! They’re just a species of demon with bat parts to their species and aren’t as whorey as you think they are! Lilith is a male succubi by the way!

Fairies and nymphs are demons too!

Succubi, nymph, harpies, fairies, and banshee are all demons but aren’t gender locked and like all demons are good hearted beings!

You humans have done nothing but discriminate other advanced species so don’t act surprised and butthurt when other advanced species attack humanity back in self defence as all humanity has done is villainise every advanced species while making humans look like the victim! Well guess what?

You humans are not the victim, but you’re real bad guys! So you brought all of this by yourselves by acting evil, narcissistic, delusional, deceitful, warlike, spreading dictatorship, acting like a bunch of control freaks, and acting like a bunch of human supremacists!

Don’t be made at the one giving you the warning… instead realise your kind has done everything wrong throughout history… and has hurt countless species out there……you are the ones who have committed such amounts of great evil…

Be mad at yourselves….your own kind… you doomed yourselves by spreading such great amounts of evil throughout history and present day….

Don’t be angry at other advanced species for coming on Judgement Day to take out humanity as it’s either that or the Kosmos blows up and only magical beings can escape such destruction….

Meaning all mortal lives would die off if the Kosmos were to explode so humanity is going extinct either way….

[the-elf-barbarian]

*sits down at your table uninvited* and so like yeah the queer reading - yes they're both queer, this is demon/angel “hereditary enemies” second layer queer.

Aziraphale represents the Respectable Gay(TM) and Crowley, the Scary Queer(TM) no I will not elaborahahaha who am I kidding I haven't been able to stop elaborating for the past week

I'm gonna focus on how it ties into the final scene, where Aziraphale and Crowley argue about Aziraphale’s decision to return to heaven.

Aziraphale sees Crowley’s goodness and is convinced Crowley’s goodness is evidence that he should be an angel. Aziraphale is so focussed on their chance to be safe from/in Heaven (to even, potentially if he plays his cards right, make reforms) that he seems blind to the rest of each of their natures - to the parts of Crowley (and to a lesser degree, himself) that would have to be carved off to fit him into the constraints of an only slightly less restrictive model of angel.

Conversely, in suggesting Alpha Centauri, Crowley proposes cutting themselves off from the world they loved so much - from bookshops, boozy brunches, the Bentley - to be free from Heaven and Hell's interefence. But he doesn’t really propose a solution to the issue at hand - at this point, we’re aware of The Book of Life and remote memory wipes - we are aware Hell doesn’t have the resources, but are we really to believe that the closest star to earth is beyond Heaven’s reach? Fleeing guarantees isolation, nothing else.��

To take this up to allegory now:

Authors note: Please understand I say this next bit from a perspective of queerness myself

Aziraphale is a nice respectable gay. The Respectable Gay is not some scary creature - he's an angel, and love is an angelic tendency… surely he shouldn’t be in trouble just because he loves the "wrong" gender? This ties into the common refrain during the push for marriage reform “We are just like you! We just want to marry our loved ones, just like you get to!”. And, from the perspective of the recent wave of marriage reform, he is finally being invited back to the in-crowd. And he wants that so much! 

Not just because it feels nice and comfortable but because he wants to work within the system (that until so recently had treated him so poorly) because he desperately wants to do good and sees this as the way to affect change. 

Crowley is the scary queer™. He's non-binary, he cross dresses, he knows he does not fit in polite society ("unforgivable, that's what I am"). Sure, the Scary Queer protested for marriage reform, but what they need is - trans medical rights, protections for multiple primary partners, preferably the abolishment of gendered language etc etc. They don’t want to be tacked onto an updated version of the same toxic system. The whole thing is broken, from the second She created Adam and Eve (the original sin cishet monogamous couple). 

They see no way forward, the task is just too large. The best option the Scary Queer sees is separation - a classic lesbian commune in the woods Alpha Centauri.

They are both doomed to fail. 

Assimilation demands conformance - and we can never work from within the majority to shuffle the goalposts enough to avoid failing those with the most radical identity/expression. 

Separation demands giving up everything else you love in pursuit of freedom that will never truly exist. This is a longer discussion but simply by existing on Earth, we are affected by the others on earth (by, say, the effects of global warming or in seeking medical treatment for a heart attack). 

And, more to the point, it only protects those with the means to remove themselves from the society (the people who by their very definition, have the means to support others in the community) - ensuring a worse outcome for all but themselves (e.g. the next Gabriel/Beelzebub, whoever they currently are).

At a society level, their argument is that same as the one between the assimilationist "we're just the same as you!" gays vs the separatist “lesbian commune” queers. At a more personal level, it's the line we all have to draw and redraw somewhere between Safety and Freedom of Expression.

So, to sum up why episode six made me absolutely feral: I am Aziraphale and I am Crowley, and I cannot stop fighting.

[overthinkingfandom]

Cards on the Table - Breaking down the tactics in L'manburg Independence

/rp /dsmp

Much has been said in the fandom about L'manburg's independence. It is, after all, arguably the most important moment in DSMP's history, as the rest of the story wouldn't have existed without it. 

In light of the recent anniversary of it, yes I know I’m late, I wanted to throw my hat in the ring and add something to the discussion surrounding it. However, as the morality of the situation has been discussed to death I'll be taking a slightly different approach to it. 

Due to the nature of the DSMP's medium, the story has many unique quirks. One of those quirks is how realistic the tactics used in the story's portrayal of politics are. The independence conflict is a great example of it. While on the surface things seem to be rather simplistic in nature, there's a lot more going on that’s less obvious.

Both Wilbur and Dream are brilliant politicians who get to show both their strengths and weaknesses in dealing with an equally skilled opponent in this encounter. There’s actually quite a bit to go into, despite their interactions being so short.

When most people think about the L'manburg's independence, they think about the moment the declaration has been written up and the subsequent declaration of war. While this moment is certainly iconic, it's not really all that impactful in the grand scheme of things. Both declarations are the culmination of decisions that have been made beforehand. It's the moment when those decisions were made that really influenced things.

Conveniently, Wilbur and Dream only hold a single conversation about L'manburg before the declarations are drawn up, so we don’t need to look far in order to figure out where those decisions were formed. 

Wilbur has been working on L’manburg, collecting materials and building the wall surrounding it, for almost an hour when he spots Dream lurking. “Get [Dream] into the VC, I need to talk with him. He’s the leader of the other nation, I think we need to have a congress.” (52:44)

Dream: “Hello?”

Wilbur: “Hello Dream. Welcome to our great nation of L’manburg.”

Dream: “L’manburg?”

Wilbur: “Yes. We are seceding from Dream SMP. This is our own server now. This area, just this part [between the walls of L’manburg], is our server.”

Wilbur doesn’t waste any time before getting right down to business and talking about the matter at hand. However, the way he speaks about it here and in the rest of the conversation is fairly interesting. Wilbur is talking about L’manburg as if it’s something which already exists. They are seceding. This is their land. This conversation is merely a courtesy to give Dream a formal notice of their separation.

Yet, a bit later Wilbur shows he knows they need Dream’s acknowledgement in order for L’manburg to be its own entity. Independence is not a concrete thing that can just be taken or created on one person’s whim, after all. It only exists when the people with power agree it exists. 

Wilbur: “Dream, basically all we want from you is just acknowledgement that we are an independent nation now. That’s all we need.” (56:20)

So if Wilbur knows they aren’t independent yet, why is he talking like that? 

It’s because he’s using a salesman technique called an Assumptive Close. Instead of posing it as a question and putting the choice of agreeing or disagreeing in Dream’s hands, Wilbur acts as if it’s already true and leaves the burden of challenging his claims on Dream’s shoulders. He even moves on to ask secondary questions on how Dream feels about having embassies in his land (and notably he frames it as a question, unlike how he frames the topic of L’manburg’s independence) as if L’manburg is already a political entity. 

Wilbur: “Dream, I’ve got a proposition for you. How do you feel about having Tommy’s land being an embassy? Like it’s an enclave in your own land.” (59:01)

Wilbur’s use of this technique has an interesting side effect in that it signals to Dream Wilbur is taking a non-compromising position in this negotiation. In essence saying “L’manburg is independent, take it or leave it.” 

A non-compromising position is the game theory term for when someone goes, "I'm going to do that, this is going to happen and nothing can dissuade me from this course of action." It's a strong tactic which forces everyone to react to that person's position, reducing the others' options into a binary of either accepting that position or rejecting it. 

This is a very common tactic and various manifestations of it can be seen all over history and media. From Martin Luther who refused to recant or compromise with his famous words of “Here I stand, I cannot do otherwise” to groups who cultivate a "with us or against us" mentality to heroic characters who say they would die before giving in to whatever Evil the story focuses on.

This is the situation Dream is facing here. He can either accept Wilbur's assertion that L'manburg is an independent entity by either encouraging them or even doing nothing, or he can reject Wilbur's assertion by acting against it.

As we all know, he ended up choosing the second option but what were his considerations for doing so?

For that we would need to know what his goal was here, something we don't really get a sense of from his conversation with Wilbur. However, he ends up stating what it was in a later conversation with Skeppy. 

(Emphasis added by me and wasn’t part of the original dialogue.)

“Everyone can build wherever they want. [L’manburg] just decided to say that they get to determine where they can build and we can’t and we said well no, you can’t do that. And that’s what the whole war was over.” (31:44)

“[L’manburg] can’t tell us that we can’t go in their land. That’s all we wanted to say. That they’re not independent, they are a part of the Dream Team SMP. They’re just a delusional, small part." (34:26)

Dream lies a lot, so just because he says something doesn't mean it's necessarily true. However, this seems to be genuine. Dream has no problem telling Skeppy “we burned down their houses and blew up the whole land.” (32:36) later on in the conversation, so we can rule out that he's trying to paint himself in a better light, and there aren't really any other reasons for him to lie to Skeppy here about this. 

When looking at Dream's options with his goal we can see the choice is pretty much a no-brainer. 

Accepting is a total lose scenario for him. Not only will it fail to fulfill his goals, it would actively encourage the sort of behavior he doesn't want to happen, as Wilbur would set a precedent that so long as someone insisted hard enough and implied Dream is a bad person he would fold in negotiations and give them what they want.

Rejecting gets him far closer to his goal of railing against L’manburg’s exclusion. Going to war means he has to invest much more effort and resources into his reaction than if he just accepted as well as deal with the risks any war has, however the sheer difference in ability between Dream's side and Wilbur's side make the risk minimal. 

Going to a war he’s pretty sure he can win VS encouraging the sort of thing he disapproves of, isn’t really a hard choice.

This is actually the result of a mistake on Wilbur's part. CC!Wilbur called his character naive (37:49) and he's not wrong. Wilbur has a tendency to act as he wishes and not take into account that people might disagree or retaliate. We see it with him saying they could just ignore the Americans (1:51:17) or during the elections when he told Quackity his scheme and got blindsided by Quackity deciding to run against him. 

Historically, non-compromising positions worked best when the person who used it made sure rejection would be more costly than acceptance in one way or the other. In essence, narrowing down the options for others even more and leaving them only with acceptance. 

Wilbur may have managed to wipe off the table all other options and put pressure on Dream to accept with his use of Assumptive Close, but he didn't do anything to prevent Dream from rejecting. In fact, it seems like Wilbur didn't even consider it as a valid possibility as he outright dismissed it when Dream brought it up as an option.

Dream: “What happens if the rest of the server decides to take over your land?”

Wilbur: “They can’t. It’s literally not how servers- Dream you’re supposed to be smart man, that’s not how servers work. You can’t just take over another person’s server.” (54:33)

But, you may be asking, if it was better for Dream to go to war against L'manburg rather than grant them independence, why did he end up giving into their desire for independence in the war? Wouldn't it have been better if he just saved everyone the trouble and gave it to them when they asked for it the first time? Or maybe Dream’s obsession with Tommy and his discs is just that strong?

We can find the answer to all those questions at Punz’ video where he shows the behind the scenes of the independence war, including some of the planning which went into it from the Dream Team’s side of the war. Specifically, this quote:

Dream: “[The L’manburgians] are never gonna give up. So then in the end the resolution will probably just be, we won but they can think whatever they want, we’re just going to ignore them because they’re essentially like- You want to think you’re independent? You’re not, you’re still part of the SMP, but if you want to think you’re independent, you can.” (9:04)

“They’re never gonna give up.”

Whether it’s true or not doesn’t matter, as this is what Dream thinks and so this is what dictates his actions. Perhaps he’s overestimating his opponents here, or maybe he’s talking about how even if L’manburg is defeated this time they would try again for independence in the future. In either case, it’s clear Dream thinks the best case scenario for him - completely preventing people from fighting for L'manburg's independence - is impossible. 

So, he tries for the second best case. If he can’t prevent L’manburg, he’s going to allow it but only under Dream’s terms. That’s what his “they can think whatever they want” line is all about. He intends on giving them token independence here, something which would satisfy them but wouldn't pose a real threat. Which is exactly what he ends up offering them during the bow duel.

Dream: “Let me just clarify: if you win, we grant L’Manburg independence.”

Tommy: “Alright.”

Dream: “But we recognize it still as a part of the Dream Team SMP.”

Wilbur: “That’s fine, that’s a fine condition.” (40:54)

The token independence thing didn’t work out so well for him. L'manburg quickly grew to be seen as an entity separate from Greater Dream SMP by everyone, and so Dream was forced to concede and treat it as one as well. 

However, despite this part of his plan failing, overall the independence war was a glowing success for Dream. 

By giving L'manburg independence after winning the war, Dream sent a very clear message. L'manburg only gets to be independent so long as they stay on Dream's good side. If they don't adhere to the terms Dream sets out for them? He can and will kick their asses, as the war so aptly demonstrated.

This message is received loud and clear. During his entire presidency Wilbur went out of his way to treat Dream with respect and try not to piss him off. Something he clearly demonstrates a number of times, like when he asked if he should call Dream “king Dream” (59:08) or during the railway skirmish (24:16).

In fact, it can be argued that this message lasted all the way up to Tubbo's presidency. Unlike Quackity, who was perfectly fine with starting a fight with Dream, Tubbo knew first hand what a war against Dream looks like. He knew that they could not win a war against him, especially in their weakened state at the time, and that influenced his decision. 

As Dream once said: "L'manburg can be independent but it can't be free."

[passable-talent]

hi! may i request an alta scenario with zuko where the reader (female or non-binary, if that works) is an earth bender who was injured by the fire nation and is found by iroh and zuko in the woods, who helps them heal, and they begin to travel with iroh and zuko to ba sing se and zuko and the reader fall in love? i’m not being super specific so u can have creative freedom to do what u want, i can’t wait to see what you write :) thank you!

cute!!! their adventures through the earth kingdom always entertained me. esp Iroh and his need for tea

Zuko was growing more and more frustrated with his uncle’s complaisance. He just couldn’t understand it- they were royalty! Both he and Iroh had been raised as heirs to the throne of the Fire Lord, so if their current situation bothered Zuko, why didn’t it bother his uncle?

He took up the mask of the blue spirit once again to begin alleviating these troubles. They were getting food, they were regaining some of their luxury. Frequent firebending patrols, especially around villages, made things harder, but that had never stopped Zuko before. He left at night, when Iroh was fast asleep, and was usually back by midnight. Nothing could stop him- not firebending patrols, not walls, nothing.

Except when the ground moved under him and he lost his footing in the middle of the woods. That stopped him. He paused, and tried to get up, but felt the ground roll underneath him again. For a moment he resigned himself to the dirt, watching the dirt floor of the forest roll with the stones underneath as waves, radiating from one spot.

Through the trees, he caught a glimpse of a small, pointed rock structure. He narrowed his eyes and crawled backwards to put distance between himself and it, and went back to the camp he’d left his uncle in.

“Uncle,” he said the next morning, “I think there’s something I want you to see.” Iroh nodded and allowed Zuko to lead him back to the spot in the forest where he’d fallen last night, and as soon as their footsteps approached, the ground began tremoring again. Zuko pointed to the rock structure, which now it was clear to see had been made by an earth bender. It was a tent-like shape, with two diagonal roof pieces and triangular sides sealed up, all with stone.

There were scorch marks covering the rock, and all the grass around it was scarred with fire.

“What do you think it is?” Zuko asked, and Iroh studied the ground a bit more before leveling his gaze toward the stones.

“I think it’s a very scared earth bender.”

“Hello in there!” He called, and the tremors in the earth stopped. “My name is Mushi, I’m a refugee from the war heading to Ba Sing Se with my nephew. Do you need any help?” For a moment only silence answered him, until one of the triangular sides of the rock tent slid back into the earth.

Inside the tent you were buried up to your neck in dirt, using the cool soil to soothe your burns. You’d received some fierce ones on your shoulder and ribcage after you dared fight back against a firebending patrol, and when you tried to escape the battle, they’d cornered you. Your tent had been an effort to escape the skirmish by waiting it out, and it had worked, after a while. But for hours you merely sat inside your stone tent while they blasted it with flames, heating it up and nearly cooking you, if it hadnt been for the cool soil you submerged yourself in. At the very least, it made your burns much worse. At the worst, you scorched your leg when the flesh brushed too close to the heated rock.

“Are there any firebenders around?” You asked, voice quiet, and not quite timid. Zuko and Iroh shared a look for a brief moment.

“No,” Iroh answered. “Can I come closer?” You nodded and took your arm over your chest, trying to keep any of your body from touching the burns that were all too warm. You sat up slowly from the soil, revealing burnt and tattered clothes barely covering your three major burns. Iroh’s eyes widened and he stepped closer.

“You need help for those burns,” Iroh said, “we’ve got a camp we can take you back to, and help. Can you stand?”

“No,” you said, “it’ll hurt too much.” Iroh looked over his shoulder at Zuko, who was standing in shock, looking at you.

He’d been burnt, and it had left a scar. But at least it was only the one- you’d been treated so cruelly, and if all of your burns scarred, it would cover near a third of your body. He couldn’t stop the adrenaline coursing through him. It would’ve been so painful, and he couldn’t comprehend who would’ve been so cruel enough to do to you what had been done.

“Can you carry them?” Iroh asked Zuko, and he swallowed hard to break himself from his stare. He nodded slightly, hesitantly, and Iroh looked back to you.

“Just take down your shelter, and we’ll help you.” You lifted your right arm, the one whose shoulder hadn’t been burnt, and used it for a quick motion that sent the stone back into the ground. Zuko walked closer, and was about to kneel down, but paused.

If he picked you up on your left side, it would press your burnt shoulder and ribs into him. But if he did so on your left, it was your leg burn that would get too warm.

“Which side do you want me to lift you on?” He asked, and you took a moment to consider.

“Left,” you said, and he nodded. It was somber, as he lifted you up underneath your knees and shoulders. Upon Iroh’s instruction your threaded your fingers together behind Zuko’s neck, and tried to keep your leg extended so that it wouldn’t brush against Zuko’s clothes.

“As I said, I’m Mushi,” Iroh said, trying to make conversation through your light, subconscious whimpering. “My nephew is Lee. What’s your name?” You gave him a small smile, to show that you appreciated his kindness, even as it was tinged by your pain. You couldn’t help it- it had been days of boiling, sweltering flesh that you couldn’t get a reprieve from.

“Y/N,” you told him, and his bright smile answered you.

“What a lovely name.”

Iroh found a plant or two in the wilderness that helped with the burn, and slowly you began to heal. You were kept awake, though, sometimes, and watched as Lee left with nothing and came back with something. You knew something fishy was going on, but you didn’t push it, because you didn’t feel it was your place.

“Are you awake, Y/N?” Zuko asked one night when he returned. You grunted and affirmation and he sat down in front of where you were laying.

“I got this for you,” he said, and handed you a small tin. When you opened it, you found within it an artisan burn suave, made in the nearby earth kingdom village by one or two of the wives of soldiers.

“Thank you,” you said, giving him a smile in the dwindling firelight. He was a tough nut to crack, but you knew he cared for you- he showed his love through listening, and gifting. You noticed it first when he gave his uncle a teapot, and this gift to you only confirmed your suspicion.

Time went on, and they packed up camp to move closer to Ba Sing Se. You came with, holding tight to Zuko’s waist so that there was enough room for the three of you on the ostrich horse. You felt bad for the poor thing, carrying so much weight, but you were in pain and couldn’t walk for long periods of time. Even if you could, you likely wouldn’t have passed up and oppurtunity to hug Lee around the waist for hours while you travelled.

You knew that Mushi had figured you out- there was no way he hadn’t. You weren’t exactly very subtle as you tried to grab Lee’s attention with your laugh or a joke or an earthbending trick. He began doing his part to nudge Lee toward you, which you were appreciative of, especially since it worked.

Or so you thought.

Zuko had scooped you up one evening, when Iroh was already asleep. He hugged you tightly before setting you back down onto your feet, leaving you confused.

“What is it?” You asked, and he shook his head, brooding as always.

“Let me sleep beside you tonight?” He asked, and you were quick to accept, even if you were confused. You fell asleep that night with his arms wrapped around your waist and his nose pressed to the back of your head.

When you blinked your eyes open, you caught a glimpse of the ostrich horse riding away, Lee on its back.

“Mushi? What’s going on?” You asked, sitting up slowly.

“Lee’s got to find his own way. Come, help me pack. We’re going to move to the next village.”

Your alliance was to Mushi, but you did miss Lee. You wondered what he had been thinking that night, when he chose to lay with you before he left. The two of you had barely talked about romance or anything of the like, but he’d done this- how much had it meant to him?

“My nephew is a complicated man,” Mushi said, walking beside you. “Sometimes, his actions are quite peculiar. But he will find his destiny. And somehow, I believe it will lead him back to us.” You looked sideways at Mushi, and smiled.

“You think so?” He nod was all the affirmation you needed.

And he was right- Lee did come back. He came back to reveal himself as brother to the Fire Princess, which made him... the prince of the Fire Nation?

Now the whole ‘running from the fire nation at all costs’ thing made sense.

You didn’t really mind. You offered unconditional forgiveness to the prince, and showed the same medicinal care to Iroh’s wounds that he had once shown to yours.

Zuko was having a hard time, but you were fascinated in watching his training en route to Ba Sing Se. Just as Iroh wanted, the two of you learned from each other, and soon the style of earthbending you practiced looked similar in some aspects to firebending. He, through training with you, became more rooted, and his balance improved further.

But training aside, the two of you started talking. You sat under the stars and began to be honest with each other, now that he had nothing to hide. You shared what had happened to you in that forest for the first time, and he shared the story behind his scar.

Sleeping side by side became as common a practice as eating breakfast.

Iroh couldn’t have been happier, especially as you seemed to bring Zuko out of his shell. He smiled a slight bit more, and laughed a little easier. Even when the three of you made it to Ba Sing Se, Iroh could feel the difference in his nephew’s attitude.

You hated firebenders- they’d left you with course, scarred skin on the outside of your left calf, with dark scars under the skin of your shoulder and ribcage. You hated firebenders- all but two. One, who took you in, and the other, who you loved deeply.

Because someone who’d felt scar tissue for years wouldn’t hesitate to touch it when you wanted him to.

-🦌 Roe

[lilybolane]

Why Cap Being Internally Closeted Is Not Only Possible, But Valid Representation 

i wrote this to a lot of mitski and onsind, so you can’t blame me for any feelings that bleed through

now i don’t know if it actually exists, but i’ve heard of there being a lot of discourse surrounding the captains story arc regarding his sexuality- i believe the general gist is that having a queer character that remains closeted to themselves is either unrealistic or ‘bad’ representation, and as someone who really treasures the captain and relates to his story so far a lot, i thought i might break this down a bit. 

i’ve divded up every complaint i’ve heard about this into four main questions which i’ll be covering below the ‘keep reading’, because this is gonna be pretty comprehensive. full disclaimer i reference my experiences as an ex-evangelical non binary butch lesbian a couple times, and i spent a year studying repression and the psychological impacts of high demand sexual ethics for my graduating sociology paper, so this is coming with some background to it i swear

the big questions:

can you EVEN be gay and not know it????

but isn't this just ANOTHER coming out arc, and aren't we supposed to be moving beyond those?

but if cap can't have a relationship with a man because he's a ghost, what's the point?

since cap's dead, isn't this technically bury your gays, and isn't that bad? 

1. "but is it really possible to not know? Isn't that bad representation?"

short answer: no and no.

before i get into the validity of the captain's ignorance about his own orientation as 21st century rep, let's break down how the hell the captain can be so clearly attracted to men and still not even consider the possibility that he might be gay, as brought to you by someone who literally experienced this shit.

the captain's particular situation is both a direct result of the lack of information around human sexuality he would have had (aka clear messaging that it's actually possible for him to be attracted to men. i don't mean acceptable or allowed, i mean physically capable of happening- the idea that orientations other than heterosexual exist and are available to him, a man), and a subconscious survival mechanism. the environment in which he lives is outright hostile to gay people, while the military man identity he has constructed for himself doesn't allow for any form of deviation from societal norms, let alone one so base level and major. as a result of this killer combo of information and environment, instincts take over and the mind does it's best to repress the ‘deviant’ feelings until a. one of these two things changes, or b. the act of repression becomes so destructive and/or exhuasting that it becomes impossible to maintain. the key to maintaining a long-term state of repression of desire is diverting that energy elsewhere, and a high-demand group such as the military is the perfect place for the captain to do this (this technqiue is frequented by religions and extremist ideologies worldwide, but that’s not really what we’re here to focus on). 

while the brain is actively repressing ‘deviant’ feelings (aka gay shit), this doesn't mean you don't experience the feelings at all. when performed as a subconscious act of survival, the aim of repression is to minimise/transform the feelings into a state where they can no longer cause immediate danger, and something as big as sexual/romantic orientation is going to keep popping up, but as long as the individual in question never understands what they’re feeling, they’ll be able to continue relatively undisturbed. you know how in heist movies, the leader of the group will only tell each team member part of the plan so they can’t screw things up for everyone else if they get caught? it’s kind of like that.

this is how the captain appears to have operated in life AND in death, and it’s a relatively common experience for lgbtq people who’ve grown up in similar circumstances (aka with a lack of information and in an unfriendly-to-hostile environment), and accounts for how some people can even go on to get married and have children before realising that they’re gay and/or trans. 

personally, while i can now identify what were strong homo crushes all the way back to childhood, at the time i genuinely had no idea. there was the underlying sense that i probably shouldn't tell people how attached i was to these girls because i would seem weird, and that my feelings were stronger than the ones other people used to describe friendships, but like-like them in the way that other girls like-liked boys? no way! actually scratch that, it wasn't even a no way, because i had no idea that i even could. i even had my own havers, at least in terms of the emotional hold and devotion she got from me, except she treated me way less well than cap’s beau. snatches of the existence of lgbt people made it through the cone of silence, i definitely heard the words gay and lesbian, but my levels of informations mirrored those that the captain would have had: virtually none, beyond the idea that these words exist, some people are them, and that's not something that we support or think is okay, so let's just not speak about it. despite only attending religious schools for the first couple years of primary, until i got my own technology and social media accounts to explore lgbtq content on my own- option a out of the two catalysts for change- the possibility of me being gay was not at all on my radar. don’t even get me started on how long it took me to explore butchness and my overall gender, two things which now feel glaringly obvious. 

when shit starts to break down, you can also make the conscious choice to repress which can delay the eventual smashing down of the mental closet door for a time (essentially when the closet door starts to open, you just say ‘no thanks’ and shut it again by pointedly Not Thinking About It). in the abscence of identifying yourself by your attractions, it becomes quite common to identify with a lack- in my case, this meant becoming proud of how sensible and not boy crazy i was, and in the captain’s case, this means becoming proud of how sensible and not sensuous/wild (aka woman crazy) he was, identifying with his LACK of desire for women and partying (which, even in the 40s, involved the expectation of opposite sex romances and hook ups). i’m not saying that’s the only reason he’s a rule follower, but i think the contrast between About Last Night and Perfect Day pretty much support this. (the captain getting on his high horse about general party antics that he inherently felt excluded from because of underlying awareness of his difference & his tendency to project his regimented expectations of himself onto others, vs. joining in the reception party, awareness of how the environment supports difference in the form of clare and sam, and relaxing his own rules by dancing with men- the captain doesn’t mind a party when feels like he has a place there.)

so the captain was operating in a high demand, highly regulated environment (primarily the military, but also early 20th century England itself), with regimented roles, rules, and expectations. working on the assumption that he wouldn't have had out/disclosing lgbt friends, he would have had little to no exposure to lgbt identities, and what information he did receive would have been hushed and negatively geared. while my world started to open up when i started high school was allowed to have my own phone + instagram account, resulting in me realising something wasn't quite 'right' within a few years (making me a relatively early realiser compared to those who don't come out to themselves until adulthood), in life the captain never had that experience. he didn't receive the information he needed, his environment didn't grow less hostile. with the near-exception of havers related heartbreak, his well disciplined and lifelong method of repression never became destructive/exhaustive enough to permanently override the danger signals in his mind and allow him to put his feelings into words. neither of the most common catalysts for change happened for him, so he continued as usual, even after his death.

BUT, and here’s where we come to why this is actually great representation, arrival of mike and Alison represents the opening up of new world. for the first time, the captain is actively made aware of the fact that his environment is no longer hostile, and better than that, it’s affirming. he’s also getting access to positively geared information about lgbtq people and identities, so option a of the two catalysts for change is absolutely present, and resoundingly positive. 

the captain’s arc is also relatively unique as it acknowledges the oppressive nature of his environment, but actually focuses on the internal consequences, and the way that systems like those that the captain lived in succeed because they turn us into our own oppressors. for whatever reason, we repress ourseslves, and often can’t help it, and i find that the significance of the journey to overcome that is often overlooked in more mainstream queer media. perhaps it’s just not very cinematic, or it remains too confronting for cishet audiences, but ghosts manages to touch on it with a lovely amount of humour and hope. Jamie Babbit’s But I’m A Cheerleader is another favourite piece of queer media for the same reasons.

not only does it show this, but as the captain continues to get gayer and lean into some of his less conventional traits (like an interest in fashion and the wedding planning), it shows lgbt people who have been or are going through this that there CAN be a positive outcome. it takes a lot to unlearn all the things that have painted you as wrong, especially when a massive institution is desperate to continue doing so, but you can do it, you can be happy, and it's never too late. (i've been meaning to say that last point for ages for ages, but a mutual beat me to it here)

2. not just another coming out arc

i absolutely support the demand for queer stories that don’t center around coming out (it’s like shrodinger’s queer: if you’re not coming out on screen, do you really even exist?), but i don’t align with the criticisms that the captain should already be out. for the reasons mentioned above, the captain’s particular story is fairly different to the ‘young white teenager who mostly knows gay is fine, it’s just everyone else that’s got the problem, but have a unremarkably straight sounding soundtrack, a trauma porn romance, and a cishet saviour’ that we keep seeing. the captain’s ongoing journey with his sexuality emphasises the overaching theme of the show: recovering from trauma and humanity’s endless capacity for growth, and i think that’s worth showing over and over again until it stops being true.

additionally, while the captain’s journey regarding his gayness is a big part of his character and story, ghosts makes it clear that it’s not the ONLY part, and being gay is far from his ONLY characteristic or dramatic/comedic engine. the fact that i’m even having to congratulate ghosts for doing that really shows how much film and television is struggling huh.

while all queer media is, and should be, subject to criticism, i think if it helps even one person then it absolutely deserves to exist, and i can say i’ve found the captain’s journey to be the lgbt story i’ve found that’s closest to my own, which says a lot considering he’s a dead world war 2 soldier who hangs out with other ghosts including a slutty Tory, a georgian noblewoman, and a literal caveman. 

3. if captain gay, why he no have boyfriend???? 

another complaint that’s been circulating is that since the captain doesn’t, and likely won’t, have a boyfriend, that makes him Bad Representation because it follows the sad single gay trope. i kind of get the logic from this one, and a lot of it is up to personal interpretation, but part of me really enjoys the fact that the captain’s journey towards accepting himself is separated from having a relationship.

coming out is often paired with having romantic/sexual relationships (either as the reason or reward for doing so). my own struggle with repression didn't end the second that came out, and i still struggle with letting myself develop & acknowledge romantic feelings as a result of actively shutting them (and most other feelings in general) down for years, and statistics show that lgbtq youth in particular tend not to live out their 'teen years' until their twenties. by not giving cap a relationship straight away, ghosts separates the act of claiming identity and sexual orientation from finding a partner (two things which are, more often than not, separate), and also provides some very nice validation to folks who have yet to have the relationship they want, especially when lots of mainstream queer media is now jumping on the cishet media bandwagon of acting as if every person loses their virginity and has a life defining relationship at sixteen. it’s essentially a continuation of the earlier theme of “it’s never too late”, and who’s to say the captain won’t get a gay bear ghost boyfriend to go haunt nazis with??? people die all the time, it could happen.

(also, i think him and julian will have definitely shagged at least once. it was a low moment for both of them and they refuse to speak of it.)

lots of asexual/ace spectrum fans have come out to say how much they’ve loved being able to headcanon cap as ace, and while that’s not a headcanon i personally have, i think it’s brilliant that ace fans feel seen by his character- we’re all in this soup together babey (and sorry for cursing everyone still reading this with that cap/julian headcanon. i’m just a vessel)

4. “okay, but cap’s a GHOST- doesn’t that make this Bury Your Gays?”

this is a bit of a complex one, but i’m going to say no as a result of the following break down.

Bury Your Gays (BYG), aka the trope where lgbtq characters are consistently killed off (and often with a heavy dose of trauma, while cishet characters survive) is probably one of my least favourite lgbt media tropes. BYG has two main points:

1. the lgbt character is killed, thus removing them from story entirely- hence the use of the phrase ‘killed OFF’ (killed off of the show/film)

2. the character’s death reinforces the perception that lgbtq people’s lives must end in tragedy, instead of being long and fulfilling, or are inherently less valuable. bonus points if the character is killed in a hate crime or confesses same-gender love right before they die (that one implies that queer love genuinely has no future!)

not every death of an lgbtq character is bury your gays, and i personally feel that the captain is an example of an lgbt death that isn’t. 

first of all, while the captain is dead, so are the vast majority of characters in ghosts. the premise of the show means that death is not the end of the line for its characters- for most of them, it’s the only reason we get to see them on screen at all. as such, the captain being dead doesn’t remove him from the story, so point one is irrelevant.

at the time of posting, we don’t know how or why the captain died, but we've had nothing to suggest his death was in any way related to his latent sexuality, so his mysterious death doesn’t actively play into the supposedly inherent tragedy of queer lives, nor the supposedly lesser value. that’s as of right now- since we don’t know the circumstances of his death it’s a little tough to analyse properly. while the captain’s life absolutely features missed opportunities and it’s fair share of tragedy, hope and growth (which seems to be the theme of this post) abounds in equal measure. the captain may not be alive, but we DO get to see him growing and having a relatively happy existence, that for the most part seems to be getting even better as he learns to open up and be himself unapologetically- that doesn’t feel like BYG to me.

while writng this, it’s just occured to me that death really is a second chance for most of the ghosts, especially with the introduction of alison. from mary learning to read, to thomas finding modern music, they’ve all been given the chance explore things they never could have while they were alive, and hopefully grow enough to one day be sucked off move on.

in conclusion,

i love the captain very much and i hope his arc lives up to the standards it’s set so far. i don’t know where to put this in this post, but i’d alo like to say i LOVE how in Perfect Day, the captain wasn’t used as an educational experienced for fanny at all. i am very tired of people expecting me to be the walking talking homophobe educator and rehabilitator, so the fact that it’s alison and the other ghosts that call fanny out while the captain just gets to have fun with the wedding organisation made me very happy.

here’s a few other cap posts that i’ve done:

the captain’s arc if adam and the film crew stayed

a possible cap coming out 

the captain backstory headcanon

if you’ve read this far,

thank you!

also check out @alex-ghosts-corner , this post inspired me very much to write this

[the-ghost-of-jason-todd]

i’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words for a while and i think i might have something.  this is based on nothing but my own experience, and invokes pretty much nothing but my own emotions, so read it or ignore it i don’t care whatever.

because truly... honestly.... if there is a canonically queer character and people are taking it and using it to explore different QUEER identities i just straight up don’t feel the need to care.  like it does not matter to me if you 100% retain the make-up of it’s canonical identity or not.  when people say that rep HAS to remain static and ONLY one tiny subset of queer people can write their own experience into the character and anyone who doesn’t do it exactly as it’s written is “stealing” that representation... it’s splitting hairs, man. 

i've said before that i can’t change canon.  because it’s... true.  that’s why it’s a transformative work, that’s why it’s FANon.  the fact that i can see myself in a character that isn’t 100% like me and i then use my own ‘bias’ for lack of a better word--it isn’t a bad thing.  i think it’s actually healthier to see more similarities than differences, because we’re stronger when we’re working together.  the queer community is so divisive these days and i just... don’t care for it.  i spent so long fighting truscum and transmeds and exclusionists and radfems and terfs and it’s exhausting.  so if someone is using different pronouns for a character, idgaf.  they have their reasons.  if it really rankles me i’ll curate my own experience. 

the real meat of this whole thing, i feel, is the fact that people contextualize canonical queer representation as “ownership”.  when a gay character appears in media, the gay community ‘claims’ them.  the problem, then, is that while you can claim a character in canon, you can’t really claim ownership over the way someone else experiences that character.  you can’t take an experience away from someone just because you don’t vibe with it.  not in a “oh i’m gatekeeping you’re not ALLOWED to do that” way--more in that you literally can’t scoop out someone’s memories.  so you may see yourself in canon, and that’s fine, we all understand that part, that’s not the problem.  but if someone who is different from you ALSO sees themself in canon, but maybe in a different way or through a different lens... well, you can’t really say they’re wrong, because you have no control over how they are experiencing something and also no idea what it is they DO see.

which sounds like a whole lot of meta nonsense, really, but it’s something that a lot of people talk about.  the whole “if a book has been read by a hundred people then there are a hundred versions of that book” idea comes to mind.  and also... fandom is SO varied.  people use it for SO many different reasons.  if i’m over here writing found family fics and someone else is writing PWP they aren’t “stealing” the found family from me.  two things can exist simultaneously.  and if, for instance, it’s hard to find canon stories that scratch EITHER of those itches i’m not going to get mad at the PWP writer for taking a canon about found family and using it to write smut.  because the found family still exists.  it isn’t an override.  existing in a different way does not automatically disrespect someone else.  ESPECIALLY when, after we peel off the metaphor, we’re talking about two people who are using two slightly different flavors of genderqueer non-gendered pronouns.  we REALLY have more in common than we do different, and i would be proud to share a character that could fulfill both of our needs at once in slightly different ways.  like... forget for a moment that i’m talking about murderbot, and imagine i’m talking about uhhhh *spins wheel* *spins wheel again* *spins wheel a third time* i’m actually seriously blanking on any they/them characters not in tmd right now.  i thought that one character in oitnb was non-binary but the wiki just uses she/her and i’m not going to keep digging. 

has a minor crisis about the fact that the only they/them i can currently think of is davepeta from homestuck  ah nuts and now maybe stevonie from SU ANYWAY the point is that i think it’s powerful when people use different pronouns for characters based on their own experience.  i think it shows the breadth of the human experience, and lets us rally behind what little queer rep we get.  it reminds me that human experience can be fluid and varied, and that we should all be able to see a little bit of ourselves reflected back when we look at others.  it doesn’t feel bad to me when people change a they/them characters pronouns to something else, because for the most part, i can still see part of myself and my own experience in that iteration/headcanon/experience, and i’m glad another person is able to find something to relate to in a character i love.

and THAT is what i’m talking about when i’m talking about sharing crumbs.

[kinka-juice]

Sex is defined by gamete production. Don't pretend you're an ally to intersex people. We're not fungi, we're mammals. It's fucked up you think our medical conditions mean we're less male or female than perisex people. That's a prejudice you need to unpack.

All I said is that sex is naturally a bimodal distribution, intersex animals exist and are not inherently non-binary (since that feels anthropomorphic), and that prejudice against intersex people is a human problem. How is pointing out intersex animals an issue? Enjoying the diversity of sex/mating types in mycology is not harming intersex people. You aren't a fungus, agreed. Some intersex people align to one binary sex, some are in the middle. Some consider it a medical condition, others just a way of being. For animals, it's always just a way of being. They don't need treatment. If an intersex human wants medical treatment to better align with one binary sex, good for them. But that's not the only way to be intersex, and other intersex organisms don't do that.

Gender is an entirely separate issue, and intersex people are whatever gender they claim they are. Many do not see themselves as binary male and female, and many do - both are equally valid takes, as are third genders/cultural genders. I would wager most CAIS folks don't see themselves as anything other than female, and rightly so (Maybe you don't, since they don't produce eggs, but if you think CAIS people are inherently men that's a big yikes).

I hardly think celebrating an intersex lion and other intersex animals I've had the chance to work with (masculized galliformes are more common than you think) is what's harming intersex people when it's still the norm to operate on newborns to "correct" their genitals or having a period is made out to be what makes someone a woman. Or even only thinking of intersex only as a medical condition. Granted, I don't think being compared to other lifeforms is in any way an insult. There's no real hierarchy to life. I will be consumed by fungus when I die and the bacteria in my gut influence my brain. What gametes one produces is incidental at best, but I think people lauding an intersex lion as a butch lesbian icon or inherently non-binary are ignoring that she's the way she is because of her hormones, making her intersex. It's natural variation, not an affliction.

Biology is wonderful because it is messy and for every rule you try to make, there is something to break it. We can't even define species without there being rulebreakers (looking at you, Canis and Larus). Of course sex also has rulebreakers. Not following the rules is not inherently wrong, it's just a way of being. Breaking the rules a little is how evolution happens. Some mutations are good, some mutations are bad. Many are neutral.

But gotta say, this smells super TERFy, of the sort where being intersex is only a tragic medical condition and not just a neutral way of being. And a cognitive dissonance of not being allowed to identify as being in-between, or anything beyond what you're assigned at birth. Enjoying an intersex lion just existing and being intersex is not an attack on intersex people any more than cooing over gay penguins is homophobia. She doesn't have a medical condition. We don't try to alter intersex animals in vet med (other than making sure they can urinate), because that's invasive and the animals do not care. They fit in with their conspecifics anyways.

Intersex people are part of the tapestry of human diversity, and are worthy of love just like the masculized lioness or a gynandromorph butterfly.

(Bilateral gynandromorph rose-breasted grosbeak - a normal, healthy bird, just a chimera.)

If you don't like my takes on sex diversity being a neutral, normal thing, don't stick around for my takes neurodiversity, I see it much the same way. We're all cousins on a great big wet rock spinning through space and we're more alike than we are different, and what differences we have are worthy of celebration.

[bloody-fag]

queer themes in discovery season 3, part one here

spoilers, obviously.

One of the most common aspects of the queer experience is the struggle of visibility within a hetero- and cisnormative society.  Feeling invisible with straight and cis being assumed as default, feeling seen by other queer people, feeling invisible without seeing yourself in those around you and the media around you. 

Throughout almost the entire season, Gray has been literally invisible to everyone but Adira, and in turn Adira had only been out to Gray until about halfway through the season.  We can see Gray’s invisibility as a metaphor for being seen as yourself as a queer person (as cliche as it is).  Literally not being seen by anyone but the one other trans person in the show parallels how as a queer -- and especially trans -- person, there is a level of understanding and solidarity one has with other queer and trans people by virtue of that similarity. 

In the season finale, due to some scifi shenanigans, Gray becomes visible to Hugh, Saru, and Su’kal (and Adira still).  

Gray gaining visibility to these characters was a very good choice, with Hugh being another queer person and Saru a person of authority.  When gaining visibility as an individual or a group, these are the the groups that visibility is granted to most commonly.  Because of an ability to understand each other’s experiences, other queer people are easier to come out to, and Gray being literally visible to Hugh was a natural extension of him being visible to Adira.  (This is similar to when Adira does come out to someone (other than Gray), it is first to Stamets, another queer person.)  On the other hand, Saru, as captain of the Discovery (at the time), serves as an authority figure in this situation.  Those with power over oneself are also common to become visible to (come out to), often in a far more violent way than with other queer people. 

I really don’t think this was intentional, but I love that Gray being finally visible to people other than Adira somewhere safe.  This holodeck was created specifically for Su’kal’s childhood as a safe place.  I think there’s something comforting knowing that being perceived as a trans person in the future is something you can do safely. 

Before the holodeck is shut down, Hugh says something along the lines of “We'll find a way that you’ll be seen by everyone."  This makes me hope next season Gray being trans will be more explicit next season.  I was pretty disappointed about Gray not being explicitly trans, and Adira’s non binary identity presenting itself in them telling Stamets their pronouns and that they “never felt like a she.”  Adira and Gray weren’t the main focus of this season by far, and I understand them not having a lot of screentime, but Blu and Ian have been confirmed for the next season, so I can hope for more explicit trans representation next season. 

Queer people have valued found family over biological nuclear family for decades, maybe centuries.  This is from being physically kicked out of the nuclear family one was born into by virtue of homophobia and/or transphobia, or because of a feeling of isolation and separation from one’s nuclear family if they weren’t kicked out of their parents’ house due to an inability to relate to the hetero/cisnormative standards of development.  Thus, queer people search out other queer people they can relate to better than their biological family, and those that support them more.  This idea of found family has taken many forms within the queer community, most famously in the houses in urban black and brown ballroom culture.   

The found family trope has long been prevalent within Star Trek, and I love the form it has taken in Discovery.  Everyone has already talked about this (me too, we’re all emotionally invested in this) but i have to talk about it it: Paul and Hugh essentially adopted Adira.  This is straight-up text, with Hugh telling Georgiou that he wishes he had children at the beginning of an episode that ends with Paul and Adira bonding over their scientific project, Adira telling Paul their pronouns (again, something very intimate that they had only told Gray).  In the second-to-last episode of the season, Paul directly calls Adira his child, Hugh and Adira his “whole life.” 

Adira has a close connection with Hugh because they both love(d) someone who was (dead/presumed dead but actually in a mushroom dimension?).  They’ve emphasized multiple times that they are the only ones who know what this experience is like... just like how their queer experiences makes them able to understand each other’s point of views.   Because of their jobs on the ship, we see Paul and Adira together more, but, as Paul said at Georgiou’s memorium, they’re “kind of a package deal.”  Further than that, Gray’s hug with Hugh in the finale was so beautiful, and Paul taking a father-in-law type of position telling Gray off for disappearing for a few days. 

(Kind of a sidenote, but some people have taken Hugh and Paul’s interactions with Gray as “that’s kinda weird that Adira’s dads have also taken in their boyfriend, does that make them like siblings?” and I really think that the dynamic is better because of this: it’s a reaffirmation of the rejection of the nuclear family model; found families are never as cut-and-dry as biological ones because they aren’t formed under the same oppressive framework.)

The thing I love about Discovery’s queer rep is that these characters aren’t just stated to be queer, and then fit into the assimilationist standards of the cishets around them, but they go through queer experiences that queer viewers can relate to on a level above “kisses someone of same gender, bye.”

(That isn’t stating it’s perfect by any degree: I’ve already stated my hopes for Gray and Adira’s identities in the next season; I want to see more of Reno; out of these five characters, it’s disappointing that all but one are white.)

//these are just my interpretations, feel free to add on and/or disagree, in fact please do//

[uncloseted]

saying "people who identify as girls are girls" is not simple. at all. i mean ok i am a girl. why? because i identify as one. but why? there's nothing that unites all girls. which doesn't mean that all girls have to be exactly the same but they at least need to have ONE thing in common. i mean if people say yeah i like women, when i'm in the street i look at women not men. how do you know? how do you know who's a man and who's a woman and who's anything else? and even woke people look at someone

1and think "girl" then think, or maybe they're non binary! but they never say or maybe they're a man. never. a person who looks like me has two options: girl or one of the hundreds of non binary identities. but to be a man, I'd have to try harder. it's not enough to IDENTIFY AS. ffs I can't be the only one who sees this. and just to clarify, i sent the joke about Emily being transphobic and i sent the first two of the three asks that you answered together i forgot this. you seriously thinl that if you raise a baby completely gender neutral, like one of those "theybies" and you tell them a girl is someone who identifies as a girl a boy is anyone who identifies as a boy nb is someone who identifies as neither, that they will deep down, without taking into account any stereotypes or biological essentialism, know what gender they are? even if they end up saying I'm a girl/boy, it will be because they will be exposed to girls and boys and "choose" the one they relate most to, or even because they like how the word "girl" or "boy" sounds.

I think you're asking some really good questions here. You're raising a lot of very philosophically interesting questions about the metaphysics of gender (what does it mean to have a gender, what does it mean to be transgender, is gender a social construct or is it innate to humans, etc) and how gender, as a social construct, impacts our lives on a day to day basis. Better philosophers than I have struggled with these questions for decades, but I'll do my best not to get too into the weeds on their different theories in this post. Instead, I'll offer my thoughts on what gender is and then investigate how we interact with it on a practical level. This is likely to be a long post, so apologies in advance, but it's a complicated issue that touches everyone's lives and I want to be mindful of that while writing this. Also apologies that this is going to be a pretty binary post. I don't mean to exclude nonbinary identities from this conversation, but to illustrate the points I'm trying to make, I think it's easier to talk about binary identities first. Just know that I do think nonbinary identities are real, valid and worthy of recognition and respect. Lastly, I'm not attached to any of the views expressed in this post. They reflect my thinking at this moment in time, but that might change as I learn more about these topics. I apologize if any of the views presented here are inadvertently hurtful. That's not my intention at all, but I recognize that regardless of intention, some things can cause harm. My goal in this post is to explore some ideas, and I would love to hear other people's opinions on this topic or criticism of these ideas. The Metaphysics of Gender So, to start out with, what is gender? Why are you a girl? Why do you identify as a girl? Why does anyone, and what links those people who identify as "girls" together? Is identifying as a girl enough to be one? These are complicated questions, both philosophically and culturally, and they've become more visible as we've become more culturally aware of gender variances (recently in the West. Third genders have always existed, and do continue to exist, in many cultures around the world). In biology and philosophy, there's a concept called "homeostatic property clusters" (stay with me here, I promise I'm going somewhere with this). "Homeostatic property clusters" is basically just a fancy phrase for the idea that if a creature has enough of a certain set of characteristics, they can be defined as part of a larger category, even if they don't have all of the traits that creatures in that category might have. In the PhilosophyTube video "Social Constructs", Abigail offers the category "mammals" as an example of a "homeostatic property cluster". Mammals are creatures that have warm blood, produce milk, and birth live offspring. Humans are mammals based on these characteristics, and so are seals and giraffes. But platypuses are also mammals, even though they lay eggs instead of birthing live offspring. These three properties, having warm blood, producing milk, and birthing live offspring, tend to "cluster" together, but they don't have to all be present in order for the creature to be "a mammal"- in this case, two out of three is fine. I think gender is similar. It's a homeostatic property cluster that includes biological, psychological, and social traits. Not all of those traits must be present for a person to "be a girl" or "be a boy", but enough of them have to be present in order for the person to be considered as part of that category ("girl" or "boy"). That cluster of traits is what all "girls" have in common, even if those traits aren't exactly the same for each individual. So, then, in the context of gender, what are those traits? "Biopsychosocial traits" is all very good as an academic term, but what does it actually mean? Let's start with the biological traits, since I think they're what most people default to when talking about gender. Biological Sex and Gender One trait we might consider when talking about whether someone "is a

girl" is sex characteristics. Sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts, but for many people, they're linked. Many cis people consider themselves cis because they were "born in the right body" or lack the desire to medically transition. They have a "subconscious sex" that matches their physical body. So I think this is a good place to start. We might ask the question, "does this person have primary or secondary sex characteristics associated with being "a girl"?" It feels like the answer should be obvious- do they have tits and fanny, or don't they? But in reality, "biological sex" itself is kind of a homeostatic property cluster. Female sex characteristics include XX chromosomes, ovaries, estrogen and gestagen, a vagina, uterus, and fallopain tubes, breasts, and a menstrual cycle. But there are people without some of these traits that are still "girls". For example, some girls don't have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they're still girls. Some girls don't have a uterus (for example, if they've had a hysterectomy), but they're still girls. Some girls never develop breasts, but they're still girls. Some girls are born with Swyer syndrome, where they have a uterus, fallopian tubes, a cervix and a vagina, but have XY sex chromosomes. They're still girls. Any one of those traits by themselves can't be enough to decide if a person "is a biological girl" or "isn't a biological girl", but if a person has enough traits in that cluster, then they can be considered part of the larger category "biological girl". That by itself is kind of a TERFy take, so I would offer that the biological trait in the cluster "girl" is "has a cluster of female sex characteristics, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics." But that alone can't be enough to determine if someone is or isn't "a girl". If it was, it would exclude pre-medical transition trans boys, even pre-medical transition trans boys who are living their lives as boys. It's also a transmedicalist take- it would also exclude trans people who never medically transition. To me, that doesn't feel right. People shouldn't be considered "a girl" or "a boy" based on biological essentialism, the pain of gender dysphoria, or their access to medical transition. So there have to be other factors at play- other traits in the cluster. Gender as Identity On the other side of the spectrum, some people say that gender is identity. You are "a girl" or "a boy" because that's how you identify- it's how you see yourself. In this viewpoint, gender is something innate to a person, that they instinctively know about themselves. It's perhaps a "female soul" in a "male body". In your ask, you express some scepticism about this view, and I'm inclined to agree. If humans have souls, I'm inclined to think they're not gendered, since what constitutes gender varies so widely across cultures and time periods. But I do also think that "identifying as" is an important element of "being a girl". Identifying as a girl is a basic criteria for being a girl. No person who doesn't identify as a girl can be a girl. It's an innate property of "girlness", the same way that an innate property of triangles is that they have three sides. But I do agree with you that I'm not convinced it's enough to only "identify as". Other traits in the cluster have to be present, because without a physical or social transition (or at least, the desire for a physical or social transition, particularly in cases of people for whom it's not safe or possible for them to transition), a person's identification doesn't have much practical value. Gender as a Social Role If "identifying as" isn't enough, then perhaps an important part of the gender conversation is the social role that gender plays in our lives. A gender is put upon us when we're born, and people continue to expect us to fill our assigned gender role throughout our lives. Maybe what's important isn't our body

parts or our internal identity, but instead, the gender role society lets us adopt. Perhaps society has to let you adopt the gender role you identify as. Either you're perceived as a woman or you aren't, either you "pass" or you don't. Perhaps those expectations that others have of you are what defines your gender. Intuitively, this seems to be tapping into something that feels true, at least to me. "Identifying as" isn't enough because society has to acknowledge that we are who we say we are. As you say, perhaps we have to "try harder" to "be a girl" or "be a boy" than just "identifying as". But this, too, has its problems. What about trans people who can't or don't pass? Does their transness get revoked for not appearing like they're trying hard enough? And what constitutes "hard enough"? Is trying at all "hard enough", or is there a point at which you "become" your gender? How many people need to reach a consensus on your gender before that's who you "are"? Does it get revoked by one person who misgenders you? And what about people who are cis, but occasionally put into an opposite gender role because of the way they present themselves? It seems to me that relying on other people to confer gender onto us is at once too limiting and not limiting enough. Gender as Gender Expression Going off of the idea of gender as a social role, then maybe gender is how you physically express yourself to the world- how you look to others. Maybe if you choose to express yourself as a given gender (through hair, clothes, makeup, voice, etc.), that's the gender that you are (or a reflection of the gender that you are), because that's how society will gender you. But that seems insufficient as well, for a lot of the same reasons that gender as a social role does. There are people who express themselves in stereotypically "masculine" ways but who identify as girls and who are understood to be girls by those around them. Their "girlness" is not culturally taken away from them based on their gender expression (unless there's another trait within the cluster of "being a girl" that they appear to not have). A girl can wear a full face of makeup, a dress and high heels, or have a pixie cut, no makeup, and wear a flannel and Doc Martens, but that alone isn't enough to say that she's not "a girl". This is especially true now, where very few ways of presenting are viewed as inherently gendered. Dresses and skirts are no longer exclusively "a girl thing" and pants have long been gender neutral. And what constitutes "presenting as a girl" and "presenting as a boy" changes across culture, time, and based on other characteristics an individual has (like class, race, size, or level of ability). So gender expression doesn't seem sufficient by itself to determine gender identity. Gender as Behaviors and Actions (aka Gender Performativity) Okay, so gender isn't just gender expression. But what about gender as a set of behaviors, something that you do? Gender performativity is a theory presented by Judith Butler in 1990 (sorry, I know I promised I wouldn't namedrop philosophical theories, but this is important to the conversation). Butler says that gender is constructed through a set of "acts" that are in line with societal ideas of what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". This performance of gendered acts is ongoing, even when we're alone, and is out of our control. Butler believes that there's no such thing as a "non-stylized" act- that is to say, everything we do is an act, and there's no such thing as an act that is not perceived as being somewhere on the spectrum of masculinity and femininity (at least, not in the current world we live in). The way we stylize these acts have the possibility to change over time. So Judith Butler believes that we "do" gender rather than "being" gender- that a girl "does girlness" over time. Put another way, a girl does behaviors, actions, and expressions that are stylized as "girly", which is what makes her gender identity "girl". And this gender, "girl", is constantly being

produced as the girl produces more of those "girly" acts. Instead of having an innate gender or expressing our internal gender through the way that we present, Butler thinks our outward gendered acts create our inner gender identity. Those acts and the way we perform them are shaped from the minute that we're born, when we're thrown into a pre-existing gender category and taught that "people like us" do things "in this way". This theory offers an answer to the question we asked in the previous section about gender as presentation; someone who is dressed "masculine" can still be "a girl" because they're performing "girlness"- they're doing acts that are in line with what we think of as "a girl". Because Butler doesn't believe that you're born with an internal gender, her work is controversial in trans spaces and are sometimes thought of as being trans-exclusionary (although Butler herself is a trans advocate). But I think disagree. Presumably, a person could change the stylization of the acts they perform. A person who was performing "boy" can begin to instead perform "girl", although they did not grow up performing "girl". It may be difficult, as they haven't had the performance of "girl" thrust upon them their entire lives, and have not experienced the "oppression experiences of girlhood" that can shape the performance of "girl". But gender performance and gender socialization are a lifelong process, and so the more a person "does girlness", the more they will be perceived as "doing girlness", and the more they will be expected to "perform girlness." I think it becomes something of a feedback loop where performance feeds socialization and socialization feeds performance. What about the "theybies"? What would happen if you raise a baby completely gender neutral? What would happen if a baby wasn't thrown into a pre-existing gender category upon birth? Would they identify as a gender without taking stereotypes or biological essentialism into account? This is essentially a question about social constructs. If we raised a baby with the understanding that some people have male sex characteristics, some have female sex characteristics, and some people have a combination of both, but removed the social constructs we have around gender, would gender still exist to this child? What you've created here is a "Twin Earth" thought experiment- a hypothetical where there are two Earths that are identical in every way except for one. Our Earth has the social construct of Gender, but Twin Earth does not. Would our Theyby still have a gender if they lived on Twin Earth? I think no. They wouldn't have a context to understand the social systems that we've created around sex characteristics, and so they wouldn't be able to place themselves within those systems. They wouldn't understand why we've based our whole society around sex characteristics as opposed to something else. They would be able to identify that they have the sex characteristics associated with "boys" or "girls", but not what it means to "be a girl" or "be a boy". (If you want to dig further into this idea of Social Constructs, that PhilosophyTube video I linked above is a good place to start). They could learn, but it wouldn't be innate to them. We, however, don't live on Twin Earth. We live on Earth. And on Earth, we do have the social construct of gender. So even if you raise a child completely gender neutral, they still have a concept of what it is to "be a girl" or "be a boy". They might learn that "girls" have long hair, or wear dresses, or are nice and caring, or are emotional, or walk and talk a certain way, or wear pink, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "girl". They might learn that "boys" have short hair, wear pants, are mischievous, are aggressive, or walk a different way, or wear blue, or whatever other social constructs we ascribe to the gender "boy". Kids who are raised gender neutral look at the physical characteristics of other kids, the gender expression of other kids, the performance of "girlness" or

"boyness" that other kids do, and compare them to the physical characteristics they have, the gender expression they like, the gender expression that's expected of them from others, the performance of gender that they gravitate towards, and the performance of gender expected of them from others, and they tend to pick the one that feels more like their category. Most kids start conceptualizing their gender identity around age 3 or 4, and that's true for kids who are raised gender-neutral as well. When they start spending more time out in the world, they notice that they're different from some kids and similar to others, and they learn the language to describe those differences. But all of this is kind of beside the point, because raising a child as a "theyby" doesn't ultimately have the goal of the child not having a gender or growing up to be agender or genderqueer. It has the goal of allowing children to develop their likes, dislikes, and views of themselves without the contribution of harmful gender stereotypes. And I think that's actually a really great goal- how many of us that were raised female were discouraged from pursuing certain interests (especially science and technology related interests) because those "aren't girl things"? Kids will be exposed to those harmful stereotypes eventually, but if a kid is raised until age 3 without them, they might be more resilient to them when those ideas are presented. And for kids who do end up being transgender, being raised without gender lets them know that they'll be accepted by their family no matter their identity. Okay, but give us some answers... what is gender? So, we've gone over a lot of things that gender isn't, or at least, a lot of things that can't exclusively constitute a gender. But where does that leave us? What does that make gender? I propose it's something like the following: There are lots of ways to have or experience a gender. In order to have a gender, a person must:

1. Identify as that gender and: 2. have a cluster of sex characteristics matching the biological sex associated with that gender, either naturally or artificially, or gender dysphoria resulting in a desire to acquire those sex characteristics AND/OR 3. socially inhabit that gender, through gender expression or gender performance, or have a desire to socially inhabit that gender

I think that covers pretty much every case I can think of. People who identify as a gender and have the sex characteristics matching that gender are cis people, regardless of their social presentation. People who identify as a gender and have gender dysphoria or who have medically transitioned are the gender they identify as. People who identify as a gender and socially inhabit that gender are also the gender they identify as, and so are people who identify as a gender and would like to socially inhabit that gender but can't due to financial constraints or safety concerns. They're just experiencing trans identity in a different way to medically transitioned people. Gender as a Social Construct Okay, so that's the metaphysics of gender, or at least, an approach to the metaphysics of gender. I want to make it clear that I'm not attached to this theory, and I don't necessarily think I'm right. This is just where I've landed in my thinking right now, and I'm open to hearing other people's opinions and criticisms. In any case, it's very abstract, very philosophical, but maybe not super practical for the other questions you're asking here, and definitely not simple. So why, in my original answer, was I making the claim that "people who identify as girls are girls" is simple, then? I was making that claim because the way we interact with other people isn't metaphysical. It's practical. And practically speaking, all you need to do is acknowledge a person the way they ask to be acknowledged. Does someone say they're a boy named Jack who uses he/him pronouns? Great, call him Jack and use he/him pronouns. Does someone say their name is Sarah and use she/her pronouns? Great, call her Sarah and use she/her pronouns. Does someone say their name is Alex and they use they/them pronouns? Great, call them Alex and use they/them pronouns. Does someone say their name is Cloud and they use ze/zir pronouns? Great, call them Cloud and use ze/zir pronouns. You don't have to understand their relationship with their gender or what their gender means at all. You can even think their gender is "cringe". But you do have to respect the way they view themselves, and acknowledge them how they want to be seen. Think about it this way- if you were at an event and someone had a nametag that said, "Hi! My name is Taylor", but when they introduced themselves, they said, "I know my nametag says Taylor, but actually I go by Riley," what would you do? You'd just... call them Riley, right? You don't need to know why they have the wrong nametag to respect that their nametag is wrong. You probably wouldn't insist on calling them Taylor because that's what the nametag says. You probably wouldn't even ask how they ended up with a nametag that was wrong. Trans people are people, and they deserve respect just like anyone else. That's why this is simple- all you have to do is listen and be respectful, even if you don't understand. Wrapping up, here's my question to you. What is it about trans people that makes you uncomfortable? Think about it honestly, and try not to default to, "it's political correctness run amok! People are offended if you breathe too loudly!" Does it feel like a challenge to your own identity, either your gender identity or your sexuality? Is it a discomfort with society changing? Is it a fear of getting something wrong and offending someone? The vast majority of trans people I've met just want to be acknowledged for who they are. They'll politely correct people who misgender them or accidentally say something transphobic. And the ones who are the most aggressive or militant are the ones who have been hurt the most by a system that won't acknowledge them for who they are. It's a plea to be seen in a world that denies them that visibility. Maybe it isn't trans people that need to become less sensitive, but us who need to become more accepting. Some resources that you might be interested in if you liked this post: The Aesthetic | ContraPoints Social Constructs | Philosophy Tube "Transtrenders" |

ContraPoints Gender Critical | ContraPoints Judith Butler's Theory of Gender Performativity, Explained

[suspendnodisbelief]

A non-essentialist approach to the Mando’a binary dala & jag

Oya, Mando'ade! For Mando'a enthusiasts and Mando-reconstructionists alike - groups which have significant LGBTQA membership, and who consequently don't appreciate binaryist and biological-essentialist rhetoric - the terms "dala" and "jag" are more than a little yikes. I want to approach dala with an interpretation which does not assume anything about anyone's physical anatomy, but rather which represents social role differentiation between combat and infrastructure... and the bio-essentialist view is just aruetiise naturally misinterpreting these as gender-based divisions of labour.

Dalab does literally mean scabbard, but the term jag isn't actually tied into any literal sword or blade, and therefore isn't necessarily anatomical. A scabbard needn't be a gestural similarity to anatomy; it can be a philosophical thing: where something goes when it is resting, home, not conducting warfare. Likewise, if you call someone "like a scabbard," it's easily a way of saying "they don't like to draw their weapon."  Jagyc is macho, and definitely has combative connotations; dalyc could mean restful and recuperative, or oriented toward building and maintaining the structures and institutions of a society.  

Outside races misinterpret these roles as being equivalent to gender, because in those outside societies, war is (erroneously) regarded as men's work, and the business of maintaining home, base camp, and medical facilities is regarded (erroneously) as women's work.

A warring society can't get by without base camps and medic tents.  A sword without a scabbard rusts. This binary division in social roles or personality traits is more about whether a person is more frequently agitated, restless, spoiling for a fight or at least urgently needing to be on the move... or more prone to building home, infrastructure, making sure people rest and eat and take downtime and let their injuries heal properly. This kind of division is already well established in living languages; the words 'lord' and 'lady' are etymologically "bread keeper" and "bread kneader." Who guards the bread; who makes the bread exist in the first place? If dala meant 'oven' or 'furnace,' we could choose to interpret that as a gross euphemism for a womb, but we could also interpret it as 'cooking and forging armour are the responsibilities of this social category.' This division is only as binary as "combatants and noncombatants." Everyone is still ultimately responsible for considering their own self-defense AND contributing to the common good through shared labour at construction and maintenance of constructions (such as cleaning up after themselves). Which of those things is someone enthusiastic about, and which one do they gripe and groan when they're required to do it? That is what makes them jagyc or dalyc: which tasks they take to with gusto. It's rightfully a little insulting to call someone either one, because being too eager to scrap is foolish and puts others in danger, and being too fixated on infrastructure (and too averse to defense and movement) can cause the culture to get more anchored in one place, complacent, subject to arasuum, than they want to be. Their mobility and the sheer sprawl of the diaspora are integral to their survival. Being too dalyc may mean "too comfortable doing simple honest work that doesn't involve risks; too willing to let others take risks for you." Being too jagyc may mean “too prideful and self-centered to perform a fair share of tedious and inglorious tasks, forcing others to clean up after you; too willing to make messes and create problems that other people are forced to live with.”

Importantly, we can take away from this an understanding that a Mando'ad is expected to balance these qualities. There are times in life (such as elder years) when the abundance of life experience and the limitations of physical athleticism encourage being more dalyc. There are times (such as the prime of youth) when being jagyc is an asset, but can also lead to accumulated injuries which may become disabilities over time. A Mando'ad is not expected to be completely invested in both qualities all of the time, but to understand that the course of their own life will make them better at one or the other. To allow their identity to be enmeshed with only one of these qualities, is to lead them down a self-destructive and socially-detrimental path, in which a too-jagyc Mando may see themselves as useless after sustaining an injury, or a too-dalyc Mando may see their skills as devalued or wasted when forced to be on the move for too long. This ultimately isn't a matter of gender at all, but of understanding what one has to offer to one's society, and accepting that change - a desirable quality - is the only constant in Mando life, for changelessness is arasuum.

Now, am I suggesting that others have to adopt this interpretation to be correct Mando enthusiasts? Nah. If you want to cling to Karen Traviss' own remarks on the subject, that's up to you. I just don't feel it's remotely necessary to pretend that's the only interpretation available to us, when we're talking about a fictional culture with an enormous diaspora of thousands of species and races, many of whom certainly have more than two genders. No fictional society is going to be free of all discomfort for all demographics who read about them. Thankfully this isn't some real-world ethnoreligious population who we are fetishising or disrespecting by rebranding their language and concepts in an image we find more palatable. It's a fictional language; we don't have to let it gross us out when we have options.

[ltleflrt]

So I was having a conversation on Discord about omegaverse tonight, and my brain won’t shut up about it, because as usual I come up with my arguments after the discussion is over.  I should have been asleep 3 hours ago, but it’s hot and I can’t unwind, so I’m going to stay up EVEN LATER while the a/c brings things down a few degrees, and I try to get these thoughts out of my head.

I was pro-omegaverse, and trying to explain why *I personally* like the genre, and why I think even with it’s problematic origins and frequently used elements, it’s still a cool genre.  I was essentially having 2 discussions, but they were both using my answers to their questions, even though I was usually addressing them 1 at a time.  That happens when you’re in a Discord chat, and I wasn’t @ing my answers to them, since we were all in the room together.  And I think that cunfuddled the discussion and my thoughts.  So here’s a breakdown.

Issue 1. Biological Essentialism is gross and rapey.

Answer:  Yes, it is.  But so what?  Some people like pure rape-fantasy.  Is it healthy?  That can be argued either way, and it definitely depends on the person writing, or the person reading.  People like gross and rapey stories to get their rocks off.  Whether we like non-con or not, rape fics should be allowed to exist because some people like it.  It doesn’t matter if I think their reasons are valid.  As long as they’re not actively trying to harm someone, let people get down and dirty with their rapey fantasies.

Also, the whole biological imperative to mate isn’t that far off from Soulmate AUs.  Truemates = Soulmates.  Whether we like Soulmate AUs or not, are we also arguing that they shouldn’t exist because they’re problematic?  No, we’re not.  Soulmate AUs are romantic for a lot of people.  Let people have their uncomplicated, fluffy, 1 Destined Love stories.

Something to keep in mind though, is that not all omegaverse fics use the true mate trope.  And quite a lot of fics have characters with a lot more self control during their mating cycles than what you’d find in the short smutty one shots.  It’s common for them to avoid each other during heats, and only share their mating cycle as an act of love, trust, and devotion.  After they’ve been dating for a while.  (I love it when the alpha brings over snacks and water for the omega, and immediately hightails it out of there once they get a whiff of their sexy love interest.  “Take care of yourself, text me when you feel better, loveyoubye! *nyoooom*”)

Issue 2. It’s transphobic.

Answer:  This one is harder to argue, because yeah.  It can be.  But so can non-omegaverse.  Transphobia is, unfortunately, everywhere.  Exploring human gender through non-human gendered beings isn’t a bad thing though.  Cis people should be allowed to explore those things too.  This is step 1 to fighting the Patriarchy.  Questioning it.  Someone may come out of the experience still cis, but they’re going to be more open minded to trans people.  Not to mention, all the trans and enby folks who probably figured themselves out through the gender exploration to be found in omegaverse.

Now, if someone’s into omegaverse and they tell you they won’t read a story about a trans character?  Red flag.

Personally, I like the gender exploration in omegaverse.  Not just in the hormonal stuff, although I do kinda love the idea of seeing cis male characters suffer cramps once a month lol... but I like the stuff about social inequality that women have to go through mapped onto a male character.

I brought this up in the chat, and my use of the term “women’s issues” raised a terfy flag I think, which upset me and made it harder to make my point.  Cuz if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s terfy.  But I do see women’s issues as also trans issues.  Trans Men are treated differently after they start to present as male.  There’s a marked difference between their treatment as a woman pre-transition, and as a man afterwards.  And they still have to be really careful about accidental pregnancy.  I cannot fathom how awful the dysphoria would be for them if they get pregnant.  Trans Women are treated horribly pre-transition if they give any hint of feminine interests.  There’s a reason “girly” is an insult, and it’s because Toxic Masculinity Is The Worst.  And then when they transition?  Hooooboy, gods bless those ladies because Trans Women are treated worse than Cis Women on the social pyramid.  And Enbies?  Oh you sweet things, how the hell do you deal with the rest of us bastards? 

When I say that I am interested in seeing the characters I like deal with women’s issues, I am talking about social inequality, not just periods and cramps (although that a little bit too, because I wish a cis man could just fucking UNDERSTAND why I need a goddamn nap okay? lol), but also sexual health rights, including birth control, including the right to choose whether or not to take hormones, the right to equal pay, the right to equal education.  Feminism, for me, includes trans and enby folks at the table. 

But anyway, the characters I like right now just happen to be men.  I see Dean as a man.  That could mean he’s a trans man too, because trans men are men, yo.  Castiel I see either as a man or non-binary.  So if I want to put them through “women’s issues”, I have to plunk them in a special universe for that.  No one is writing Matriarchy AUs, so Omegaverse it is!

(Side note: If my OTP were f/f, I’d still like omegaverse.  And I could see lots of interesting ways to use all those same tropes for 2 female presenting characters.  So it has nothing to do with genitalia.  Unless it’s smut.  But I swing all the ways, so still not an issue for me lol)

(Side note part deux: I like to read trans stories too.  They have unique things about them that cannot be found in stories about cis characters, even in omegaverse.  And when I see Dean and Cas as men or enby, I’m not putting down people who like them gender flipped.  I just see myself enjoying Trans Woman Claire dating Enby Kaia, more than I’d like to see Dean or Cas written as cis/trans-women.)

Issue 3.  Internalized misogyny!

Answer: This is an argument used against women shipping m/m in general, and has nothing to do with omegaverse.  It just so happens that omegaverse was created for m/m pairings.  But there are TONS of reasons we ship more m/m than any other pairings, ranging from those are the most interesting characters presented to us, to--yes--internalized misogyny.  But I’m tired of that one.  Internalized misogyny is rampant, and telling women that their fantasies are problematic isn’t going to cure them.  There’s better ways to go about it. 

Omegaverse now covers m/f and f/f pairings as well, sooooo... yeah, this one just doesn’t hold water like it used to.  We just need to yoink the media out of the hands of the cis-men who are mostly in charge, and make them give us more compelling women to ship.

Issue 4: That’s not how human bodies work.

Answer: They’re not human lol!  Okay but real talk here.  This issue actually sounds transphobic to me, because it strikes very close to the XX vs XY chromosomes argument.  Omegaverse characters have intersex variations.  Alpha females and Omega males can have both a penis and a vagina in some fics.  It depends on how the author wants to write it, of course.  I usually go with the (horrifying) cloaca for omega males, and the (hyena inspired) psueudo-penis for alpha females instead, but to each writer their own lol

But again... not human.  Let wet buttholes be a thing, lube is expensive and sometimes the bottle gets tangled in the sheets, and you have to stop what you’re doing to find it and... anyway, convenience in fantasy sex is nice lol

In Conclusion: 

Personally, I only like non-traditional omegaverse.  The stuff that subverts the “problematic” tropes.  I was asked what I liked about the genre, and when I explained, it devolved into discussion of the topics above.  But I think what was forgotten in that discussion, was that I kept saying I don’t like the “problematic” things.  I like flipping the tropes.  Which I like in general, when I’m looking for things to read.  I mean, how many Castiel Thinks He’s Straight fics are there?  Not many!  So I wrote one!  Because flipping tropes is my jam! 

I don’t like Soulmate AUs, but with the proper twist I can still enjoy it.  I don’t like Highschool AUs, but I’ve read some that touched me so deeply I still think of them years later.  There’s always someone subverting the tropes I don’t like and turning them into something I do like.

And yet even though I kept saying I liked the subversion of the genre, the discussion kept coming back around to the parts of omegaverse that I *don’t* like.  I will still defend anyone’s right to like the parts of it that aren’t for me though, so I argued away XD

And? Sometimes I like the dark problematic stuff when I’m in the mood to get my rocks off.  Don’t judge, you’re all a little weird in some way or another ;D

Anywho, now that I got this stuff off my chest, hopefully I can sleep.  It has also cooled down by like 4 degrees, and I no longer feel like I’m going to melt in my sleep.  Tomorrow is going to suck, because I have to get up in 5 hours.  Yay!

[annebrontesrequiem]

Femininity and Bridgerton

So 27 days ago a lovely anon said that they’d be glad to hear my thoughts on femininity and Bridgerton, and since I’m now finally free from school I decided to stop playing Genshin Impact and binging Disney movies and actually do something.

This is going to probably be very long (spoilers it’s 1,800 words long), so more under the cut.

So, a few things. Firstly I am specifically talking about Bridgerton, as the way that femininity is portrayed in media is a very complex and arduous topic. Secondly this is obviously just my opinion and you can absolutely disagree, even tell me if you do I love listening to different perspectives. Thirdly I’m talking about a show that is very heteronormative (the painter and Benedict aside as I’m focusing mostly on Daphne in this post), and presents a very specific part of straight, cis, upper class femininity. So keep that in mind as well. Also as I’m going to be talking about patriarchy, femininity, and masculinity I know that there might be a few TERFs that crawl out of the woodwork and just… don’t. This isn’t for you and while I’m at it please go read some actual feminist texts. Also I know that this is a period piece but I will be addressing that don’t worry.

Also I am going to be talking about that one scene so trigger warning I’m going to be talking about sexual assault.

Also full Bridgerton season one spoilers.

----

So, all that set up out of the way, let’s talk about femininity in the Bridgerton series.

A good deal of Bridgerton focuses on the ways in which women are often confined by their role as women in society, as well as how they subvert that role for their own gains. This is used well in some cases, such as when the Viscountess uses the network that is forged between servants and women of the upper class to subvert Daphne’s marriage to Nigel Berbrooke. Being a period piece with a (mostly) diverse cast it also allows for women of color, specifically black women, to be portrayed in a very feminine light, where in society at large they are usually not allowed to inhabit such a space. However in attempting to subvert the status that women often occupied in Regency England the show accidentally reinforces views of femininity and its value.

Let’s talk about Eloise and Daphne. Eloise is very outspoken about the difficulties that comes with being a woman in society, wishing to break out of the confines of femininity. Daphne, on the other hand, wishes to stay within the traditional woman’s sphere, get married, have children, run a household. And while in text these two women often debate the meaning of their position as women, each making very valid points about their status and how they’re confined by it, the framing makes it seem that Eloise’s position is ultimately the “better” one.

Full disclosure, Eloise is my favorite Bridgerton character. I love her outspokenness, her determination to make something out of her life, the fact that she attempts to make the oppression of the society around her explicit. However I think the way she is framed as this, for lack of a better term, “girlboss” in the making is often reductive. The show seems to have this idea that Daphne is in some ways inferior in goal to Eloise. That is, Eloise’s value isn’t that she is an ambitious person whose status as a woman hampers said ambition, but rather that she is in some ways morally and intellectually superior to Daphne by rejecting her femininity and repressing qualities that are considered less masculine and thus lesser.s It presents this idea of women’s empowerment wherein one is only empowered if they deliberately step out of traditional femininity, either in appearance or in life path, rather than confronting a society that sees femininity as inferior. Daphne’s wish to continue in the traditional sphere of womanhood is somehow lesser, and she only becomes truly empowered later in the series when she becomes more aggressive (we’ll talk about that later).

That Eloise has her own book where she presumably falls in love and gets married makes this all the more confusing. Does she then lose her intellect and her status as an empowering woman? The messages feel very mixed. In portraying Eloise as enlightened for actively resisting the woman’s sphere and Daphne as needing to learn to be more “assertive” to gain said enlightenment, the show accidentally presents femininity as inherently passive, inferior to the assertion that is more traditionally masculine. This is something that modern period dramas often fall into. Empowered women are only empowered by attempting to transcend their femininity, to become more masculine. The bottom line isn’t to present women and femininity as equal in all ways to men and masculinity, but femininity is something reductive that must be shed to truly become equal.

Since we’re talking about Daphne I want to examine her character arc within this lens as well. Daphne is adamant that she wants a love-match. She is also very aware of the importance of presentation, as well as the importance of reputation. This is a very solid foundation, as is a way where Bridgerton taps into the complexity of the role of women in regency society in a good way. However as the show goes on this complexity seems to fade in favor of making Daphne, again I’m sorry, a “girlboss”. This is made explicit in the scene in which Daphne violates Simon’s consent, as well as the way in which this act is framed.

Now you can tell immediately from the framing of the scene in which Daphne violates Simon’s consent what this is supposed to be interpretated as. From the music to the triumphant looks on Daphne’s face, this is supposed to be a moment in which Daphne has finally gained control of her life. And yet in doing this, and in presenting this whole scene as a result of Simon’s “betrayal” – and thus something his has to take the blame for – the show is making a value judgement. Daphne can only become strong by becoming “assertive” (ie aggressive) to the point of violating someone’s consent.

The topic of rape culture is a very long and arduous one which I will not be diving into, but I do wish to point to the fact that men are supposed to be aggressive, both sexually and otherwise. Men are the ones who always “want it”, who are uncontrollable, and who are willing to be aggressive to get what they want. This toxic idea of sex and masculinity is what I felt Daphne dipped into during this scene, and instead of presenting it as horrifying or a betrayal on Daphne part, it is presented as the climax of her character arc. I believe a showrunner once said that it was imperative to the “education” of Daphne Bridgerton. Thus is Daphne’s strength no longer her determination to be happy within the sphere she has been placed in by patriarchy, but her willingness to take back her life, no matter the cost. And yes this could’ve been a message about how men are also assaulted, but that is not at all what the showrunners wanted you to get out of this scene.

Lastly I want to touch on the men in the Bridgerton universe, because the devaluation of femininity also affects men no less than it does women. All the men in the Bridgerton universe are either bad people or rakes. Name me one (1) man in the Bridgerton universe who is presented as feminine, either in appearance or personality. And no femininity is not the same as being gay, the painter is not feminine. To be a man worthy of screen time or romance in the Bridgerton universe one must be as traditionally masculine as possible, and ready to make that your defining character trait.

Now I know that this is a large romance novel issue, as someone who has read three of the Outlander books I am unfortunately aware of how romance novels fall into this derivative state. But just because something is common that doesn’t mean it is any less worthy of criticism. The argument that it’s simply being “period accurate” is also something I don’t accept. Yes the regency era was incredibly patriarchal, but that does not mean that the women within it were helpless and could only break out of that helplessness by rejecting their own femininity. Jane Austen is a classic example, but I will also point to women such as Elizabeth Gaskell, the Bronte Sisters, and George Eliot in terms of English women who were highly intelligent and worthy of acclaim despite still associating themselves with their status as women in society. For a broader historical view I’d also like to present Catherine the Great and Empress Josephine who, despite being viewed in an often very derivative manner by the men around them, rose to great prominence and power.

In the end this is a larger societal issue and not one that my post will magically fix. But I will say this: we need to stop telling women and girls that the only way to get rid of patriarchy is to reject femininity. In doing so we say that masculinity is indeed the better trait, that by repressing one’s emotions and one’s femininity one can attain equality. We also need to stop telling men that the only way to ensure their own value to be aggressive, to tap into that toxic masculinity which we spoon feed them from birth. This hurts everyone, men, women, non-binary people. It makes the world a worse place and only when we stop trying to wiggle our way out of femininity and actually acknowledge its status as equal to masculinity will we achieve this.

I believe Bridgerton wanted to do that, wanted to present the complexities and anxieties of women living in a patriarchal world and the way in which they can subvert that world to their advantage. However it falls into the same trap it seems to be attempting to get out of, and at the end of the day one is left with a sense of vapidness. Though I may like Bridgerton (so much so that I binge watched the series twice and am even considering reading the books) I think that we need to acknowledge its flaws, because only then will we be able to move forward and make media that is more enjoyable, more nuanced, and ultimately better in terms of expectations and norms.

Like I said this is a very complicated topic, but I hope I got my point across well. Thank you if you read all the way through this and I hope you have a lovely day!

[umbry-fic]

A Palette Full of You (3)

Summary: Glimpses into Colette and Lloyd’s lives as they grow up together, learn who they are, and fall in love with each other.

(Written for Colloyd Week 2021)

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia Characters: Colette Brunel, Lloyd Irving, Sheena Fujibayashi, Zelos Wilder Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel & Lloyd Irving & Sheena Fujibayashi & Zelos Wilder Rating: G Chapter: 3 of 6 Word Count: 6896 Mirror Link: AO3 Original Post Date: 11/06/2021

Chapter Title: Race Into the Night

Chapter Summary: Lloyd, Colette, Zelos and Sheena visit the carnival to have a night of fun after the end of exams. Lloyd and Colette end up riding the Ferris wheel alone, where...

(Colloyd Week Day 3: Confession/First Kiss)

Notes: Chapter 3 of my multi chapter Colloyd week fic! Featuring much fluff and sap. Zelos is non-binary in this and uses they/them pronouns.

Chapter title from Yoasobi's song.

Chapter list Full fic Previous chapter Next chapter

~~~

18-years-old

"There is no way I'm ever going on that thing. You can't make me."

"Come on, you promised that if I scored better than you at darts you would ride the Riptide with me! Gonna go back on your word now, Sheena?"

"Stop smirking at me, Zelos! You clearly cheated! That game was rigged!"

"All carnival games are rigged. That's common knowledge."

"I don't care. You still cheated!"

"Cheated how? You were watching me the whole time!"

Colette giggled, watching her two friends have a go at each other as they inched closer to each other with each word they spoke. All three of them were leaning against the cold metal railing, though Colette was careful to keep a safe distance from Zelos and Sheena. When they were engrossed in arguing with each other, there was a safe zone, and a not-safe zone where one was liable to get smacked by a wildly gesturing arm or two.

Surrounding them were various stalls staffed by people who were enthusiastically calling out to potential customers, hoping to receive more coupons in the final hour before the carnival closed. There were pop-up game stalls featuring the classics like ring toss and soccer, food stands selling carnival staples like candy floss and popcorn, and even thrill rides like the aforementioned Riptide, a roller coaster that paled in comparison to USS' coasters but certainly had the most twists and turns of anything offered at the carnival. Adorning everything was bright neon lights and colourful decorations, and noise came from every angle, lending to a cheery atmosphere that could get a tad overwhelming at times.

Despite the late hour of 9 pm, there was still quite a crowd - mostly consisting of young adults like them, the majority of families having gone home for the night. She had bumped into quite a few classmates in the past three hours, who had come here with the same idea of having a fun night out with friends after the end of A-levels. A lot of pictures had been taken, until her cheeks hurt a bit from smiling so much, but it had been great fun.

She, Lloyd, Zelos and Sheena had managed to visit almost every booth, using up all of the coupons that they were sharing amongst each other. But even with their combined efforts, they had only managed to win one prize: the adorable Siberian Husky plush she was currently hugging. Though they'd certainly snacked on their share of popcorn, sharing one large carton between the four of them until their fingers were sticky with kernels.

"Colette, back me up!" Sheena begged, turning to face Colette. Despite the biting words that were leaving her mouth, her true emotions were betrayed by the smile playing at the corner of her lips. Sheena's hair was tied up into her trademark high ponytail, the ends of her hair swaying slightly in the weak wind.

"What, me?" Colette exclaimed, rather surprised she was being pulled into the conversation. Zelos and Sheena tended to retreat into their own world whenever they got into this state, forgetting anyone else existed.

"Uh, well..." Colette muttered, sheepishly smiling. "Sorry to disappoint, Sheena, but I have to give this one to Zelos."

"See? Even Colette agrees!" Zelos placed their elbow on the railing, leaning closer to Sheena, smirking.

Sheena didn't even spare Zelos a look, just shoved their face away with a hand, ignoring Zelos' sputters of protest. "How could you, Colette? How could you side with the idiot?" Sheena cried in mock betrayal.

"Well, I and Lloyd were both there, and we both saw Zelos win fair and square. And a deal's a deal," Colette replied, shrugging. Zelos did seem more insistent than usual, but she couldn't discern why.

"Just think of it as a date!" Zelos waved a nonchalant arm in the air, that smirk never fading as they took hold of Sheena's arm.

"Screaming in abject terror is not my idea of a date," Sheena hissed through gritted teeth, though she didn't free herself from Zelos' hold. "Besides, we're supposed to ride the Ferris wheel together once Lloyd comes back!"

"Eh, we won't make it before the carnival closes if we catch the Ferris wheel. Don't worry, I'll treat you to ice cream afterwards! And if that isn't enough to appease you, surely some Ajisen will." Zelos turned to Colette and winked, leaving Colette utterly confused. Was there an underlying meaning to all of this she was supposed to be catching?

"If you drag me on that damn thing, Zelos Wilder, I swear I will never forgive - GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME! STOP!" Sheena shrieked as Zelos began to drag her by brute force towards the snaking queue of the Riptide. Colette gaped, watching Sheena struggle wildly, digging her feet into the ground and hurling curses that got steadily fouler at Zelos, who didn't seem to be affected at all.

"I'm back with the drinks!" Lloyd's happy voice came from behind her as he walked up to her, holding two cups with steam venting from their tops, hair adorably ruffled from the day's hectic events, woefully unaware of everything that had occurred in the time he was gone. "Wait, what's... Happening...?" he asked, only now spotting the gradually diminishing silhouettes of Zelos and Sheena.

"I... Uh, Zelos and Sheena are going to ride the Riptide," Colette said, explaining the situation as succinctly as she could. How else could she word it, anyway? There was no explaining the antics of those two.

"Alright." Lloyd shrugged, accepted her explanation and passing one cup over to her. She pushed the plushy into the crook of her elbow, freeing up a hand to accept the cup and still managing to almost drop it. She closed her fingers around the plastic cup, soaking in the warmth it emanated.

"It's hot chocolate," Lloyd explained between gulps as he practically downed the whole cup in half a minute. "They're out of hot milo. Sorry."

"It's alright. Any hot drink would have done." Colette finally took a sip, feeling the sting from the heat and sticking out her tongue.

"Should we wait for them to come back or go queue for the Ferris wheel?"

Colette sighed. "We should just go. The queue for the Riptide is really long... They know to meet up back at the MRT at 10."

The original plan was to take a group photo at the peak of the revolution of the Ferris wheel, but that didn't look like it was going to happen now.

So it would just be her and Lloyd riding the Ferris wheel. An activity that could be seen as romantic. The pamphlet for the carnival had even advertised it as a ride of love. When they'd walked past it just now, she'd seen that the Ferris wheel was decked out with a ton of wire hearts that lit up in multiple colours.

It was just ten minutes. It would be over in the blink of an eye! Totally!

"Then, let's go," Lloyd said, grabbing her hand and giving her a minute heart attack, causing her bravado to crumble into dust.

Nope. There was no way this could end well.

The two of them joined the short queue for the Ferris wheel, having thrown their empty cups into a nearby dustbin. Only eight people were waiting for the next empty carriage to descend to ground level and open its doors. Five of them - three children and two adults - belonged to one family, while the rest were a group of three girls, enthusiastically talking to each other. It wouldn't take long for their turn.

A bout of shivers overcame her as the wind picked up, the warmth of the drink already a memory. She wrapped her free arm around herself, gaze dropping to the floor as she once again regretted forgetting to bring out her favourite dog-ear hoodie. It was always hanging on her clothes rack, and it would have been so easy to just reach out a hand and swipe it on her way out. But no, she just had to wake up late and stumble out of the house still half-asleep.

She'd forgotten how cold the nights could get. Especially for her, someone who couldn't even handle the lecture theatre air-conditioning. Forgoing a long-sleeved T-shirt for her kiwi bird-print tee was not helping matters.

"Here." Something warm and soft was draped around her shoulders, and she looked up to find herself draped in Lloyd's familiar jacket, his face hovering close to hers. "You should have told me you were cold," Lloyd muttered, his breath tickling her neck. "I would have given you my jacket earlier."

His jacket smelt like him, a safe, comforting blanket that reached to her thighs. It held his body heat, too, slowly seeping into her.

Colette flushed, turning her face away so she didn't have to look into those russet eyes. For there was concern there, as well as the ever-present kindness, but there was also more. There was no way to hide her blush, not when he was right here, but she still had to resist the urge to hide her face behind the plushy.

Why was she still trying so hard to hide, anyway? It's not like it was of any use. She was so obvious. As Zelos had told her, it had gone far past the point of being funny.

"Though I guess you're always cold," Lloyd said, tearing his gaze away from her and taking a hurried step back. Perhaps the words were meant to be teasing, but they fell flat with the out-of-place laughter attached to the end.

"I - I mean, it - it was my fault for not bringing a jacket in the first place," she stuttered, the words stumbling over each other in her mouth in her hurry to answer. Now Lloyd would know she was nervous too. She was doing really well, wasn't she? “But thank you.”

"The next carriage is here," the attendant called out, voice flat and expression terribly bored. He was staring at them with a barely veiled expression of disinterest, waving his arms to direct them into the next carriage, doors wide open.

"Come on." Lloyd grabbed her hand, the smile returning to his face. The Ferris wheel was lit up to the nines, throwing soft purple light onto everything around her and illuminating half of Lloyd's face. Beautiful. He was always so beautiful, but it was moments like these where it made her heart hurt, wanting so desperately to reach out and touch his face.

Heart pounding in her chest, she took her seat, Lloyd sitting directly on her left, their legs close enough to brush.

She placed the plushy in her lap, resting her chin on it and trying her best to slow her racing heart, knowing it would be of no use. Here, in this carriage that was slowly rising into the sky and gently rocking, it was just the two of them in this little space, cut off from the rest of the world.

It was hard to tell herself she was imagining the intense way Lloyd was staring at her, like she was the only thing worth looking at, even though the beautiful night scenery was right outside the glass. Nor was it possible to imagine the tension, sharp as a knife, that had arisen between them for the past half a year or so. Almost everything was the same: they were still incredibly close, but there was a hesitance there now - in the way Lloyd’s fingers sometimes curled away from hers, in the way she sometimes stopped before throwing an arm around his shoulder to embrace him.

Neither of them had spoken up about that tension, dancing around each other like fools. Even if he did return her feelings… Love wasn’t enough to bridge the impossible distance between them. She could never fully comprehend all that he felt, just as he could never fully comprehend the absence of what she felt. She could never give him what others could, not with her extreme revulsion towards anything sexual in nature. She’d be willing to try, for him, simply because her love for him knew no bounds, but… she couldn't say where her limits would be. Likely not very far from where she would start.

Even though Lloyd had been nothing but supportive of her, that didn’t mean he was willing to take a chance that could very well end in failure and heartbreak. She might not be enough for him when it came to a relationship. If that was the case, she could understand. Neither of them had done anything wrong. If they were incompatible from the start, then she could keep her silence. She’d be perfectly happy to remain as friends, even if these nebulous feelings would never leave her chest. She didn’t want to lose them.

"Um, do you, uh... like the plushy?" Lloyd asked, his voice cutting through her anxious thoughts. Awkwardness radiated off of him in spades as he shifted in the seat, turning his head away to stare down at the floor. At least she wasn't the only one that was nervous. He was repeating the exact question he’d asked her when he’d given her the plushy.

"I love it. It's soft, and it's cute. Thanks for giving it to me." The same answer she’d given him before.

Lloyd had been the one who won a carnival game - the ball toss, to be specific. He'd managed to down all the cans with a single ball and gotten the choice of any of the first-place prizes. Zelos had raised an eyebrow and asked him how he'd gotten past the unfair odds. Lloyd had sheepishly scratched the back of his head and said it was a lucky accident, one that he couldn’t repeat, which proved to be true in his later attempts.

Lloyd had taken one look at the prize pool, pointed out the Siberian Husky plush to the staff, and then stuffed it into her hands the moment he'd gotten it, proclaiming that it was a gift for her. Zelos had been outright snickering, while even Sheena had looked like she was holding back laughter, shoulders shaking.

Lloyd's hand found hers in the little space between them, his thumb rubbing the skin of her palm just below her fingers. It was a repetitive, soothing motion, helping to calm her down.

She hoped that, no matter what, they would always stay together. Whether as friends or more. Just the two of them.

"I'm glad you like it." Lloyd's voice was getting progressively quieter with each syllable his lips formed, slowly shifting right along the seat towards her.

“Can - can I…” Lloyd asked timidly, turning to face her and leaning closer. Her field of vision narrowed to just his face, barely lit by the scant light that reached them from the carnival grounds and the spokes of the Ferris wheel. Everything else was slowly turning into a blur. “Can I kiss you?”

The carriage had reached the top of its revolution. Through the window, she could see the sparkling lights of the high-rises in the distance. Silence suffused the air as no one spoke, the world itself seeming to hold its breath, neither she nor Lloyd moving a single part of their bodies as they stared at each other. His eyes were wide, filled with such incredible emotion, built up over years and spilling over at this very moment.

Her breath caught in her throat, a current of warmth making itself known in her heart at the fact that he’d actually bothered to ask. She’d expected Lloyd to - the kind, considerate soul that she’d come to know and love, but somewhere in the back of her mind was tucked the irrational fear that there would never be anyone who respected her boundaries, simply because she wasn't worth it.

She took a deep breath, preparing her answer. It wouldn’t be “normal”, that was for sure. It wasn’t a simple yes or no, but rather…

“Is it fine if it’s on the cheek?” were the quiet words that left her mouth, shattering the expectant silence as her grip tightened on the plushy. Maybe one day, she wouldn’t mind a kiss on the lips, but not today. She wasn’t up to it yet.

She doesn’t know what answer she expects. Probably a no. It’s perfectly understandable for Lloyd to just step away.

“Of course,” Lloyd replied instantly, the gentle smile on his face once again shattering all the preconceived notions she’d constructed in her head, absolutely terrified of rejection but huddling herself into a corner in the belief that that was all she could possibly receive. There had been no hesitation behind that statement, no hint of reproach or anger or irritation towards her.

“Yes.” The word slipped out without any thought, for she herself had yearned for so terribly long. The desire she had always held to love, and to be loved, despite everything - to experience it all with the boy that had always been part of her life and that she hoped could continue to be there for the rest of it.

She turned her head to the side, and it didn't take another moment longer before Lloyd pressed his lips against her cheek, one hand still holding hers while his other arm wrapped around her shoulder, the plushy trapped between them. He was nothing if not gentle, bringing up her earliest memories of being kissed on the cheek by her mother, before she had left her life forever. It was through that gentleness that the force of his love was truly impressed on her - for there was passion there, in the very act of holding himself back. Love, gentle like a warm flame, but not any lesser for it, for his love was just as impregnable as a brick wall, unyielding and unbreaking.

She could feel his warm breath against her cheek, his lips softer than she could have thought, his hair close enough to run her hands through as she’d always wanted. So she did, letting the strands fall through her fingers like melted chocolate.

Was he… smiling? It sure felt like it.

It wasn't a magical moment like people always said the first kiss would be like. After all, theirs was nowhere close to conventional, but it was an experience that belonged only to them. No sparks were flying in the air, nor did time stop. It was just the two of them, fitting together perfectly like puzzle pieces in the way they always had, and she couldn't ask for anything more.

Lloyd moved away, his arm dropping from her shoulder, hand joining the other to clasp her limp one. His eyes were shining with joy, the same joy that filled her heart and made it feel like it might take flight at any time. Everything had finally fallen into place.

Her whole face was now on fire as she turned away, leaning forward over her legs. Her hair fell by the side of her face like a veil, letting only tiny glimpses of Lloyd through.

“You’re sure?” she asked, knowing that she needed to clarify. Even if his actions had been the shining light that burned away most of her doubts, some still remained. Lloyd really, truly needed to understand what he was getting into. She would not let him mindlessly enter into a relationship with her without knowing about all the ups and downs, all the complications that would come with it. That would only end in them hurting each other, and then they might never be able to stand the sight of each other again. It was the dreaded future she never wanted to come to pass. “It’s not going to be easy."

“I know,” he replied, squeezing her hand, his russet eyes focussed on hers. “But all relationships have challenges, don't they? We'll figure it out together, just like always. And if it doesn’t work out, then we’ll stay as friends, forever. I just want you to know that I love you.”

There is nothing but burning conviction behind his words, and a determination that reached deep into her soul and lit a flame of hope.

There would be many more difficult conversations that needed to be had, candid discussions that would need to take place. But for now, she didn't say anything more, hoping the unspoken “I love you” from her side could be understood, clear as day. She still couldn’t make herself say it, the final lingering doubt that she suspected would never fully go away holding her back: that romantic love had to go hand in hand with sexual attraction, and that one could not exist without the other.

She simply closed her eyes, leaning against him and enjoying the gentle rocking of the carriage for the remainder of their time on the Ferris wheel.

~~~

25-years-old

"Remember this Ferris wheel?" Lloyd teased Colette, squeezing her hand as they stood in front of the Ferris wheel at the reopened carnival. It wasn't the exact same one they’d ridden at the age of 18, for that one had been deconstructed years ago. But it was a near-perfect replica, down to the purple lights that lit up the spokes, though the hearts were gone. Even the bored attendant who was barely paying attention to her duties was right!

"How could I forget?" Colette laughed, her trademark bright smile on her face. Even after knowing her for twenty years and dating her for seven of those years, the sight of her smile never failed to light a spark in his chest.

At least this time Colette was dressed appropriately for the colder night, in a pencil skirt and a long-sleeved collared blouse with a few frills. She looked a lot more put-together than him, who was just wearing plain old jeans. He had picked her straight up from work before driving them here, after all.

All that was missing was the staff pass that she’d removed from around her neck and left in the car. Her smart-casual image, however, was completely shattered by the pair of grey dog ears poking out of her hair, attached to the headband sitting behind her ears. They even felt furry to the touch, though it wasn’t real dog fur.

A pair of brown ears sat on his own head. Colette hadn’t managed to win a grand prize at the game stalls like he once had out of dumb luck, but she'd managed to do pretty well at the ring toss, scoring almost all of her tosses onto the red-rimmed bottles. That meant she could redeem a few mid-tier prizes, so she'd gotten two headbands with dog ears attached, one for her and one for him that he could wear if he wanted to. He'd put it on immediately. Now they matched! He needed to take a picture of them sometime - Sheena and Zelos would appreciate the cute image.

More like Sheena would strangle him over digital space if he didn't send cute photos.

The carnival had finally returned after four years of absence, and he and Colette had jointly decided to return almost immediately upon hearing the news. It was small and honestly not that impressive compared to other theme parks they’d been to, but it still held precious memories. And it would make for a fun date, which it certainly had so far!

They'd retraced their steps from years ago, though unfortunately, they were lacking Zelos and Sheena. First riding the pirate ship, Colette’s hair going wild in the air as the ship swung from side-to-side, then visiting the game stalls, laughing at each other’s absolutely horrendous attempts, then buying and sharing a stick of cotton candy between them, taking turns biting from the fluffy substance and having their tongues curl from the overload of sweetness, before finally arriving back here at the Ferris wheel.

"I know I've said this already, but thanks for planning this all out," Colette said, linking her arm with his and smiling up at him as they joined the queue. The queue was much longer today, amounting to more than 40 people, by his rough estimate. It was still quite early in the evening, half of the sun still peeking over the horizon, the sky painted in a pink that would soon be darkening to orange. It was just as noisy as in the past, perhaps even noisier, for the families hadn't gone home yet. "There were quite a few kerfuffles with the system at work today, and this really helped."

"That bad?"

"Mm. We had a new intern come in today, and then the old system just decided to crash. Not the intern's fault, she's the sweetest girl. But it was still a headache to deal with."

"Well, I'm glad it helped. Though I'm just happy to spend more time with you."

If everything went according to plan, then he'd be seeing a lot more of her in the future.

He shoved his hand into his pocket, checking that the all-important box was still there. It was the crux of this whole operation, and he could not lose it.

Colette laughed, a sound that inevitably made him smile. "I'm sorry I haven't been free for the past few weeks. It's a busy time for the company."

"It's alright. I'll be starting work soon too, after all. Besides, we still stay two floors apart. There's pretty much no way we don't see each other every week, silly."

"Sorry, sorry. Shouldn't be a downer; you're right. Anyway, since tomorrow’s a public holiday, want to spend it over at my place?”

“Netflix and chill?” Lloyd answered, well aware that he was probably getting some weird looks from people close enough to overhear him. He wasn’t even sure if Colette knew of its double meaning - she was generally completely clueless about the world of euphemisms. Over time, they’d just started co-opting the phrase. After all, their time together at each other’s place was mostly spent… watching shows while curled up together on the couch, creating dishes that were more like unrecognisable disasters in the kitchen while attempting not to set the whole place on fire, or Colette playing video games at the foot of the bed while he tickled her neck with his toes. In terms of risque activities, they so rarely happened - and only after he checked, double-checked and triple-checked that Colette was feeling up to it and not forcing herself for his sake.

“I don’t mind, but we haven’t finished that card game we started last month. The card piles are still sitting untouched on my bay window. Wanna do that instead?”

“Sure!” He replied enthusiastically. Board games or card games always promised a good time, if infuriating when nothing would line up and Lady Luck was decidedly not smiling on him. Colette seemed to get all the luck in these party games. Maybe it was consolation for tripping all the time.

“It’s such a shame that Zelos and Sheena aren’t here,” Colette said, pulling out her phone. “I know they went on the Ferris wheel the year after we did, but we still haven’t gotten that group photo we were supposed to.”

“One’s in Europe and one’s in Australia. There’s no way they could join us on such short notice.” The last he'd heard from them, both were doing well for themselves and very happy in their long-distance relationship.

“True. I guess I can add them to the photo afterwards with the power of Photoshop. Oh, and Zelos sent me this really weird message...” After a few swipes of her finger, Colette shoved the bright phone screen under his nose.

Zelos Wilder: Looking forward to the good news ;)

“Do you have any idea what they mean?” Colette asked, cocking her head to the side in confusion. “They haven’t been replying to my question!”

Lloyd could feel his fingers twitching. Zelos Wilder wasn’t here, but if they were, Lloyd would have strangled them already. Trying to spoil the surprise, were they?

“It’s probably nothing! You know how they are. Always trying to cause chaos.” Lloyd shrugged, hoping he wasn’t being too obvious, as he tended to be.

“I suppose that’s true… What good news?” Lloyd could hear Colette repeating that question to herself under her breath, not quite soft enough for it to escape his notice. She didn’t seem to have noticed that anything was up with him, thankfully.

“It’s our turn! Come on, let’s get on!” Lloyd declared, just loud enough to startle Colette and cause her to nearly drop her phone. She hurriedly stuffed it back into her pocket, following Lloyd to the open carriage. She hadn't realised the space before them had completely cleared.

The attendant lazily waved them onto the open carriage with barely a glance at them, a mumbled: “Have a nice ride” leaving her mouth.

Lloyd was the first to scramble on, turning around to give Colette a helping hand - only to find her falling straight into him, having tripped over the raised step. With a shocked “Oh!” falling from her lips, Colette crashed into him, nearly knocking him flat onto the carriage seat. With a shocked yelp, Lloyd braced himself against the glass window of the carriage, barely maintaining his balance. Years of practice at stopping Colette’s sometimes fantastical falls over obstacles that weren’t visible to him had honed his reaction times to near perfection, giving him ample preparation for this situation.

The attendant continued to ignore them, gaze fixed not so discreetly on the phone sitting in her lap. The doors of the carriage slid smoothly shut, and with a jolt that nearly knocked them off balance again, the carriage set off on its journey.

"Um, sorry..." Colette apologised from her position pressed flush against Lloyd's chest, arms entangled in his. She slowly extricated herself from the mess, stumbling a few times but managing not to fall again, even with the gentle swaying of the carriage floor. He tried his best to steady her without falling over himself. She sheepishly smiled. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.” Lloyd adjusted her headband, setting the ears that had been knocked crooked back into their rightful place. He’d told her multiple times that she didn’t need to apologise for tripping, but she still did, the habit too ingrained to break. It was endearing, though. “You?”

“I’m fine!” Colette smoothed out her skirt (though there weren’t any noticeable wrinkles in it from the fall,) and sat down to rest her weary feet, giving Lloyd the cue to sit down as well. “Thank goodness I wasn’t wearing heels…”

Lloyd did not want to imagine what would have happened if she was - she might have twisted her ankle, or worse. She rarely wore heels due to her clumsiness, but when she did, all sorts of accidents tended to happen.

He stuffed his hand into his pocket again, fingers feeling the velvet texture again.

It’s still here.

"What's still here?" Colette’s confused voice broke through his relieved thoughts. Her hands were resting in her lap and she was leaning forward, eyes shining with a curious light. The usual white lights of the new condominiums close to the carnival grounds shone, a few glimmers of pink visible as people celebrated Pink Dot. It was at this very moment that the Ferris wheel's lights turned from purple to pink, the spokes emanating soft pink light that washed over Colette, making her hair glisten - almost like an ethereal fairy with imaginary wings that shimmered, having come to visit him on this mortal plane. The dog ears only added to that image, somehow. Even now, the sight of her was enough to make him feel dizzy, both out of love and awe, even if he no longer blushed like an embarrassed schoolboy. Awe that she could get more beautiful every time his gaze landed on her. And awe that such an incredible person had chosen to trust him and stay with him.

He was so enraptured by the angel before him that it took a few seconds for her words to process in his mind, after which he froze in horror.

OH NO, HE’D SAID IT OUT LOUD. A thousand alarm bells were ringing in his head. Some days he was reminded that he was an adult now, and other days he was reminded that he was as much an idiot as he used to be. Some things just never changed.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Colette said, a teasing lilt to her voice as she rested her chin on her palm, an amused smile playing on her lips.

He could just play it off - he knew Colette wouldn’t pursue it any further if he gave off the signals to drop the topic. She was just like that: the most considerate person he knew.

But…

The original plan had been to do it on the Ferris wheel. It even had Zelos' approval. This, right now, was the perfect chance to just let the cat out of the bag. And he would grasp the opportunity in hand before it could escape him.

For he could think of no future happier than one spent Colette’s side.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the purple box out of his pocket with a shaking hand, dropping to his knees on the surprisingly clean carriage floor, devoid of the usual spilt drinks and crumpled up tissues.

He could tell the exact moment Colette gleaned the true intent behind his actions, the blank, confused expression on her face morphing into one of shocked disbelief, eyes widening and hands flying up to cover her mouth.

Damn it, he’d completely forgotten the script he’d written with Zelos’ assistance in a back-and-forth over messages, Zelos alternating between giving actually good advice and being extremely annoying, though Lloyd had gotten them to shut up by asking them when they planned to propose. The two of them had both struggled to find the right words, since neither of them had done super well in English. But Lloyd had persevered, wanting to get his feelings across eloquently.

But now that he was staring into Colette’s blue eyes, all the words were sprouting wings and flying mockingly out of his head, leaving only blank space for him to reach uselessly for.

The one piece of advice Zelos had given him that continued to stick in his head was this: speak from the heart, and surely she would understand.

He couldn’t keep her waiting forever.

“I… ” He couldn’t help but start off slow, struggling against the block in his mind but determined to push past it. The words then seemed to just come to him, progressively faster as time went on, stumbling out of some unknown part of his mind - or perhaps it would be more accurate to say his heart. Somehow, throughout it all, he didn't drop the box despite his trembling hands. “Colette, you’re the most amazing person I know. Your compassion, your gentleness, even your clumsiness, they’re all vital parts of my life that I wouldn’t give up for anything. You are my shining star in the sky, the one that gives me hope, that inspires me to be the best version of myself. If I had the choice to relieve my life from the start, I wouldn't change a thing, because meeting you on that playground all those years ago was the best thing that has ever happened to me. All my years spent with you have been incredible, and I would like to spend many more by your side. So, just like years ago, Colette, I have something I need to ask you, right here and right now.”

“Will you… Will you marry me?” He finished, voice drifting off into silence as he flipped open the box to reveal the two plain, thin metal rings he’d bought. Colette wasn’t the type to go for flashy diamonds or colourful gems. She’d appreciate something simple like this.

He waited, the few seconds of deafening silence seeming to stretch out into eternity, broken only by the sound of blood rushing past his ears. This wasn’t the first time he’d asked this very question, if in a different and less dramatic form. He’d already received her answer once. But he would respect whatever answer she gave now, and most of all, they would keep the promise they had made at this very place: that they would always remain friends, no matter what.

~~~

Colette still couldn’t quite believe her ears, gaze flitting between Lloyd’s face and the box he was holding up towards her, the two rings housed snugly within reflecting pink light.

Marriage had crossed her mind many times. She had learned over the years that it wasn’t a penultimate goal that had to be reached to prove her relationship successful, and she’d told Lloyd as much when he’d asked her two months ago if she’d be willing to get married.

But still, even if she had managed to break free from most of the notions the fairytales of old had implanted into her head, able to just enjoy them as sweet stories now, she couldn’t quite rid herself of the dream of having a fairytale wedding. One that was perfectly planned, with family and friends present to stand witness to their union.

She’d told him yes. That she would be willing to tie the knot with him, the one she loved. The expectation of a proposal had been simmering in the back of her mind ever since, often going forgotten. She had not expected the time would be now. Lloyd had been more fidgety than normal, constantly checking his pockets while disguising the action as keeping his hands in his pockets. She’d known something was up, but his true intentions had escaped her detection until just moments before, when she’d been taken off guard. All she’d thought when he’d pulled out the box was that it resembled the ring boxes in the dramas Sheena was always recommending to her, the ones that appeared in all the emotional proposal scenes, until the realisation had hit her in the chest like a truck.

Once again, like years ago, they’d reached the top of the revolution. The silence remained unbroken as Lloyd patiently awaited her answer, not pushing her towards one. And so events repeated, mirrored across time.

Colette slowly stretched out her arm, eyes shimmering with unshed tears as a smile graced her face. She nodded, her throat blocked by all the emotions that swirled in her chest, unable to say ‘yes’ out loud even as she screamed it over and over in her mind, the tears finally breaking free of whatever barrier was holding them back to spill down her face.

Lloyd broke out into the most beautiful smile she had ever seen, radiating pure joy as he slid one of the simple, elegant, silver bands onto her ring finger. It fit. Perfectly. When had he even learned her ring size?

She picked up the other ring that was meant for Lloyd, marvelling at how her hand could somehow remain stable as the rest of her body trembled in barely contained emotion. The ring was so tiny, held between her thumb and index finger, and yet it held such significant weight as she slid it onto his ring finger, the skin of his hand rough against hers and the metal cold.

Lloyd jumped to his feet, pulling her into an embrace and pressing a kiss to the top of her head (his nose bumping the dog ears), holding her close, his happy laughter rumbling through his chest. Even now, when he must have been bursting with joy, he was still mindful of her boundaries, refusing to do anything that would cross the line. Heart filled with warmth, she pressed herself impossibly closer, intending to just melt into his arms forever -

"Please get off the carriage."

The deadpan voice that belonged to neither her nor Lloyd broke through the peaceful bubble that had been constructed around the two of them. She froze, feeling Lloyd stiffen around her as well. Looking to the left yielded the view of solid ground, and the same uninterested attendant gesturing towards it.

Ah. They'd reached the bottom without even noticing. This was… embarrassing, to say the least.

Thankfully, no one seemed to be in the queue at the moment, allowing the two of them to escape from the Ferris wheel without much attention. It appeared that only the attendant had borne witness, and she couldn’t seem to care less, having returned to the booth.

Their interlocked hands swung in the air, the matching rings glinting under the bright neon lights of the carnival as she wiped away her happy tears, both of them grinning uncontrollably.

"I love you," Lloyd said, the words leaving his lips with ease, as they always had. "Shall we go home?” he asked.

Home was with friends and family and Lloyd, the one who held her heart.

Colette squeezed Lloyd’s hand. She felt light as a feather, like she could somehow fly with wings that she didn't have.

"I love you," she replied, the words coming so easily now. "Let’s.”

~~~

The attendant shook her head, scoffing as she returned to scrolling through Twitter.

“I suppose love does make the world go round.”

~~~

Next chapter

[imaginejamesandsirius]

So, non binary or maybe trans mtf sirius through their Hogwarts years, Sirius comming out and James being the best boyfriend ever and those things...

James grinned at Sirius, bright and wide. "We're going to be best mates for the rest of our lives." 

"We are?" 

James nodded. He was so earnest. So sure of himself. Sirius copied him about half the time because he wanted to be that confident too. "You'll see." 

Years later, James asked him on a date. Sirius worried that it would change their friendship, but James assured him that they were still going to be best mates for the rest of their lives. He sounded so sure about it, that Sirius didn't let it worry him too much. 

*

Sirius didn't know what to do. Looked at the guys in Gryffindor Tower and didn't feel like one of them. Look at the girls and felt more like them. The trousers of the school uniform felt strangely constricting. 

Didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to think. Didn't want to talk to James about it, because if this was a phase or summat, it would be a really awkward conversation for nothing. Besides, what could James do or know that Sirius wouldn't be able to figure out? 

*

Sirius stood on the first step up to the girl's dormitory. Boys couldn't get on the staircase, or it turned flat like a slide. Sirius was standing on it, and it was staying firm as a staircase. 

This didn't help explain anything. Sirius still didn't know what to do, all this did was seem to hammer in that something had to be done. Frankly, it was a miracle Sirius had managed to get any sleep since starting to worry about all of this. 

"Sirius?" Lily asked. 

Sirius pasted on a grin and turned to face her while taking a step down to the common room level and hoping that she hadn't noticed. "Hey, Lily. What's up?" 

Lily had a serious look on her face, but not like Sirius was in trouble-- not a combination Sirius was used to, mind. "You want to talk?" 

"About what?" Sirius asked, hoping that she wasn't talking about the staircase thing. Sirius's heart was beating nervously hard, the traitor. It was more difficult to pretend everything was fine when it had reactions like that. 

She didn't answer at first. She had a look like this was a delicate situation, and the slightest provocation could send Sirius running. She turned to the side so that there was enough space for someone to pass by. "You want to come up? Little more privacy that way." Not that there was anyone in the common room. Sirius wouldn't have tried it if there had been, but there was always the risk of someone coming in. That's how Lily had snuck up-- Sirius had been facing the portrait hole, watching that way. 

"Blokes can't go up the girls' stairs. Everyone knows that." 

"Are you still a bloke?" she asked, her voice free of judgment. 

Sirius still flinched. It was one thing to think about it; it was quite another to have someone else say it aloud. 

"It's not a big deal," Lily said gently, but that had to be a lie. 

"Maybe not to you," Sirius muttered, then wanted to vanish. That had been as good as saying she was right. 

"What I mean is, it doesn't have to be a big deal. Just... if you're confused, talking to someone might help. And I think that if you were going to talk to your mates, you would've done it already." 

"I haven't talked to any of them because I don't know what I'd say," Sirius said defensively. 

"Right. And we're... I mean, friendly but not friends, so I thought it might take the pressure off." Expression open, she motioned up the stairs in invitation. 

Sirius glanced at the boys' staircase, then nodded. 

Lily smiled comfortingly and led the way. 

Each step should've felt more monumental-- and in a way it did, but for the most part, Sirius felt like the first one had been the hardest. If Sirius had been able to stand on the first one for that long, then the staircase wasn't going to even out ten or twenty or thirty steps later. 

*

Sirius had talked with Lily. Lily hadn't convinced her of anything except to be confident, like she used to be. Who cared if she made a mistake in saying she was a girl? Thinking it, saying it, living it, made her feel better. Happier. She talked to Lily a couple more times before deciding that she wanted to do something. 

Not that she'd really done anything about it, yet. 

Sirius talked to Lily some more, then the other girls in the dormitory, and they were all cool with her moving in there. Before she went and asked McGonagall to move dorm rooms, she wanted to talk to James about it, though. It would just make things easier, plus she was used to talking to him about everything. Sirius was paranoid about all sorts of terrible things happening, but most of them werne't realistic. Worst case scenario was... was... well, that James broke up with her. Technically, James had asked Sirius to be his boyfriend, something he was no longer capable of doing. If they broke up, then at least Sirius wouldn't have to hide all the crying she was going to do. 

Not, she reminded herself, that it was a given. James had never expressed interest in women before, but there was a first time for everything. Of course, because the universe wasn't willing to do her another solid-- not so soon after giving her Lily at the opportune moment-- James wasn't in his dormitory when Sirius went up. None of the guys were there. 

Sirius sighed and figured that talking to McGonagall first wouldn't be so bad after all. She wasn't about to chase them across the castle to talk to them when she didn't even know what she wanted to say. 

Professor McGonagall took the request pretty easily once Sirius said that she'd already talked to the other girls about it-- whether that was a piece of acceptance that was necessary, or that bit of information convinced her that it wasn't a prank, Sirius didn't know and she didn't care to guess. Professor McGonagall also asked if a different name needed to be down on her roster which... honestly had not occurred to Sirius. Maybe she'd change her mind about it later, but for now, her name was the only thing that still really felt like her. Professor McGonagall said she'd have the house elves move her things, which meant Sirius had to get back there as soon as possible to head off any of the Marauders seeing it and panicking. For a group of supposedly pranksters, they sure did worry a lot-- not that Sirius minded or was immune to it herself. 

She was too late to prevent it from happening entirely. In the time since she'd last been in the dormitory and getting back, the rest of them had gotten in there. By the time she opened the door, they were gathered around the empty spot where her bed had been. James, in particular, looked to be freaking out. 

"There you are," Peter said. 

"What the hell happened?" Remus asked. 

James just gestured to the empty space emphatically, clearly having trouble getting his thoughts to form words. 

"Erm." This would be the moment were she said it. Whatever 'it' might be. She'd tried to think of something to say on the entire walk from McGonagall's office to the Gryffindor Tower and come up with absolutely nothing. 'I'm a girl' was probably her best bet. Straight to the point, and nice and short. Very little space for her to get too nervous and not be able to finish. Three little words. She could do that. 'I'm a girl.' She could say that. Hell, usually when she started talking around them, she never stopped until someone interrupted her. Sirius took a breath. The words stayed stubbornly in her chest. She felt like throwing up. She took another breath, but that only made it worse. "Merlin," she muttered miserably. "James, can I talk to you for a second?" Maybe that would take enough of the pressure off that she'd be able to get it out. 

"Sure," James said, looking slightly more put together but not any less worried. He followed Sirius out into the hall, and she shut the door on their friends. She took a quick glance and didn't see anyone coming on either side of the stairs. 

"I'm moving dorms," she blurted. 

"I-" James frowned, thrown, and utterly confused. "What? Like you're in a new House? Can they even do that? And why would you agree? Being a Gryffindor kicks arse, there's no reason to leave it, even though Moony doesn't make it easy by leaving his bloody socks all over the floor-- think I even found one in my bed once. But really, there's no reason to leave over that." 

"I'm not moving Houses." 

"Then where are you going?" 

"To the girls' dormitory." 

James blinked at Sirius. "But only girls live there." 

"...Yeah," Sirius said, looking at him meaningfully and hoping that her point was getting across. 

James blinked again. "Oh. Oh, okay. Is that- I mean, y'know, permanent?" 

"What do you mean 'permanent'?" 

"I- well, I dunno. Like you're never going to share a room with us again?" 

"Not during school, no," Sirius said, even though she hadn't really thought about it that way. She'd gotten used to falling asleep next to James after a nightmare; she didn't know what she was going to do now, when that happened. Walking all the way over wasn't a viable option. 

James's throat worked. "Alright. I mean, I would've liked to know about it before it happened, but... yeah. Okay." He moved like he was going to give her a quick kiss, then froze. "Are we- I mean." He motioned between them. 

"Still dating?" Sirius supplied, and he nodded. "I'd like to be. I get it if you want to break up, though." 

James immediately shook his head, and it was instant relief to Sirius's nerves. Everything was going to take some getting used to-- for both of them and the rest of the Gryffindors in their year-- but at least Sirius didn't need to worry about how James felt for her. It might change later, but she sort of doubted that. The worst reaction was the beginning one. At least, according to Alice. Sirius was inclined to believe that she knew what she was talking about, since it's not like Sirius had any better guesses about how this was going to go. "I love you. This is going to take some getting used to, but I can do that. I have to start thinking of you like a girl. Can't be too hard, right?" he asked, a touch nervously. 

"I managed it easily enough," Sirius said with a crooked smile. "Anything I think is easy can't be too bad for you." 

*

Sirius had thought of the possible bad reactions-- none of which had happened with her friends because they were great-- but she hadn't considered the weird reactions. She sat down next to James the next morning, across from Peter and Remus, just like always, and the conversation paused. They froze for a moment. Like they didn't know what to do now that she was there. "Something on my face?" 

"Other than makeup?" Peter asked, peering at her mouth curiously. 

"I've worn makeup before," she said defensively. Of course, back then, it had only been eyeliner and the occasional brush of eyeshadow. 

"Not lipstick," Peter said. 

Sirius rubbed her lips together self-consciously. She'd thought that it looked good. Marlene had said it worked. 

"You look great," James said, smiling at her earnestly. He looked at her the same way he always did, which did wonders for making her feel better. He pressed a kiss to her cheek, which had the effect of both warming her stomach and making her wonder why he hadn't kissed her on the mouth like he usually did. 

"One kiss isn't going to bugger up the lipstick," she said with a smirk. 

James blinked, then chuckled, a little self-deprecating. "Right." He kissed her again. 

"You okay?" she asked quietly. 

"Yeah, I just don't know what I'm supposed to be doing differently." 

"How about nothing?" 

James didn't get it. "What do you mean? I thought- well, I thought that part of the point was that things are different." 

"It's different because I'm not a bloke. We're still mates. We're still dating. I'm your girlfriend, not your boyfriend. That's pretty much it. Maybe later, we'll change shite, but right now, just... treat me like you always do." Sirius glanced at Peter and Remus. "That goes for you two as well. I'm still a Marauder, even if I'm living in the girl's dormitory." 

*

"You sure you're okay?" Sirius asked, a touch breathlessly. She moved her head to one side to give James better access to her neck. "I know you liked how I looked in the other uniform." 

James chuckled, his breath puffing warm against her skin. "Right, because that was my main attraction to you: your clothes." 

"You never know." 

James bit down, and she whimpered, hips jerking. "This is better actually," he said, one hand going up under her skirt to squeeze her arse. 

"How so?" 

"Easier access." 

Sirius laughed, pushing her arse into his hand. "Nice to know there are perks to being myself."