#*Storm Warning and part 1 of Neverland

[regicidal-defenestration]

In my (very limited*) experience with Big Finish they seem incredibly allergic to making speaking non-diegetic like, if a voice is heard that is a character speaking out loud and if multiple characters are in a scene one character saying things means the other must be stood silently waiting for them to finish like. Come one we can get a bit more interesting than this

[donteattheappleshook]

Not Broken At All Chapter 17/?

Summary:

A season 1 Neverland AU. Emma is still trying to adjust to her new life as Sheriff of Storybrooke and mom to Henry, who still believes everyone in town is a fairytale creature. When she finds a badly beaten, one handed man while patrolling, she’s convinced he’s crazy. He is, after all, rambling about fairies and shadows and crocodiles. But when Henry is suddenly taken out the window of a house everyone believes is haunted, the madman in the hospital might be her only hope of getting her son back. Whether he likes it or not.

Rated E

Catch up on Ao3 (where my italics work) or on Tumblr 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16

Thank you thank you thank you @the-darkdragonfly for helping me so much with this chapter I literally wrote at your kitchen table lol.

This one is a bit shorter because I had to move the last scene to the next chapter or it would have been like 10k long…. but hopefully that means chapter 18 is coming soon!

(at least you didn't have to wait a year for chapter 17?)

*******

Part 17

Emma follows Killian’s eyes as they dart towards the ceiling, the deck above their heads. It’s dark out, but not the dark of night, the dark of an oncoming storm, that ominous, looming chill of electricity in the air, the waves lapping against the sides of the ship that rocks unsteadily against the threatening sea. A shiver runs down her spine. Whether Pan’s here or not - he’s fucking furious. 

There’s a knock on the door, Wendy not waiting for permission before pushing it open. “Is he here?” Killian asks, voice low. 

She shakes her head, holding a small, empty vial. “Not yet. But Ianeira sent a warning - he’s on his way and he’s not happy.” She looks out at the first heavy drops that land against the window like bullets. “Obviously.” 

“Get the boys below deck,” he orders, still not raising his voice above the rumble of the storm outside. “Scarlet,” he adds, the younger pirate leaning against the doorframe, “go wake the crew. Tell them to be ready for a fight.” 

“What are you going to do?” Wendy frowns like she already knows the answer. 

“Handle Pan.” 

“Absolutely not.” Emma answers at the same time as Wendy’s “like hell” rings through the air. “This was my idea. I’ll go deal with the consequences,” she insists, but her words are ignored as the two captains continue to argue. Will shoots her a sympathetic shrug from his place in the doorway. 

“We don’t have time to argue,” Killian finally snaps at his second, standing and grabbing Emma’s pants from where she hung them last night before tossing them to her. “Pan and his Lost Boys will be here any minute and we need to make sure the boys are hidden and the crew is ready to defend the Jolly.” 

“Is that an order, Captain?” Wendy asks, arms crossing over her chest and Killian stiffens. Emma didn’t miss the weight put behind the question.

“Cap-” he starts but she cuts him off.

“No. No more of this ‘I’m not the captain’ or two captains bullshit. If you’re going to pull rank and make me follow orders then you don’t get to decide you don’t want to be in charge anymore tomorrow. If this crew is going to put our lives on the line for your plan, and trust you to handle Pan, then you’re going to be the one to make the order. And if you die today -” Her harsh facade breaks just a fraction - “It won’t be because of something I could have stopped.” 

The room is silent as the two stare each other down, the rush and howls of the storm growing louder outside, growing closer as they remain locked in the standoff, Wendy’s ultimatum hanging between them. “Well?” she demands. 

He’s silent for another moment, but then he lets out a sigh. “Bring the boys below deck, make sure they don’t make a sound or Pan will remember that they’re here.” Another hesitation as neither she or Will move and his thumb runs over the ring on his finger. “That’s an order.” 

Wendy’s shoulders both straighten and sag at once as she shifts into her new role, her face blank, betraying nothing, but Emma knows. She can see the hurt and the fear, of his betrayal and of the danger he’s putting himself in as she nods. “Aye, Captain.” 

Killian flinches away from the title just the barest amount before she heads out of the room. 

“What are you gonna tell him?” Will glares at his usurping captain. 

Killian sighs. “I haven’t figured that part out yet.” He reaches for his shirt, pulling it on over his head and turning to find the man still there. “Go wake the crew,” he orders again and Will stares at him for a long moment before doing as he’s told. 

Emma watches him as he dresses, yanking her own pants on and rising from the bed, the buttons of his vest fastened methodically, one by one with practiced fingers before he dons his greatcoat. She realizes what she’s watching as he slides his sword into its sheath, secures it to his hip: a soldier dressing for battle, each piece of his armour clad carefully down to the expression he smooths over his face, the one that hides the man who’d let her in his bed and held her against the threat of the night behind a cold, heartless facade.

“Killian,” she starts, ready to fight him on this. Rescuing the boys was her decision. She’d made them do it. This should be her responsibility. Nobody else's lives should be on the line for her choices. A boom of thunder cuts her off before a flash of lightning brightens the room.

“He’s here,” Wendy tells them, stepping back into the room. Killian doesn’t confirm if his orders have been followed - he doesn’t need to. 

“Let me go,” Emma insists. “I can tell him it was my idea. I can -” 

“No.” They answer in unison and before she can protest a boom of thunder echoes above them and an angry, lilting voice calls out above them. 

“Thieves! Show yourselves!” The demand is followed by a roar of approval, small, young voices calling out in a battle cry she’s heard before. The room goes silent, tension in every line of her body and Killian’s. Wendy looks to her captain, waiting for orders, hands fisted like she’s trying not to barge up there herself. 

Emma sees the barest flash of fear in his gaze before he schools it and turns to her, leveling her with a hard, commanding look. 

“Go to the hold with the children. Promise me you’ll stay down there - that you won’t make a sound.” Emma glares at him, his face only inches away as he speaks so quietly she can barely hear him. He glares back just as defiantly. “Promise me, Swan.” She doesn’t answer. She’s not promising that. Not when it’s her fault Pan’s here and he could hurt them. “They need you. They trust you and they need to stay hidden. If Pan’s reminded they’re here… he might demand their lives in place of the dead we took.” 

Her glare deepens. “I know what you’re doing.” 

The corner of his mouth turns up just a fraction before he straightens it. “Then you should have no problem following through with it.” When her shoulders straighten his hand comes to her cheek. “We can’t risk Pan finding out about you - not while we don’t have a way of defeating him or saving Henry. You can’t protect anyone if you’re dead,” he adds, using her words against her now and her eyes narrow. “You can’t protect Henry if you’re dead.” That one hits hard and Emma knows he’s right - but she still doesn’t like it. She doesn’t want him dead either. 

Pan’s warning rings out again, harsher this time - ‘Come out and face me, coward!’ - and Killian’s shoulders tense. “Fine,” she concedes. “But if things go bad -”

“You’ll stay right here.” It’s a warning, and she almost wants to call him on it, to see what he really thinks he can do to her that’s worse than the situation they’re already in, but she bites her tongue. He takes her silence as the end of the discussion. “Darling,” he calls over his shoulder. “Bring her to the hold and then join me on deck - Darling,” he tries again when she doesn’t respond, but Wendy’s attention is focused outside the cabin, staring out down the hall, a frown starting to pull at her brow and Killian’s matches it. “Wendy?”

“Where’s Will?” 

“What?” 

“Will.” Her voice is low, far away but rising with tightly restrained panic. “He should be back by now. Where’s the crew?” 

As if on cue, a voice rings out loudly above them. “Pan! Two visits in as many days? To what do we owe the honour?” They rush to the stairs, crouched low looking out at where Will stands, alone, facing off against Pan. Fuck. Please don’t be an idiot. She can feel Wendy tense beside her and Killian reaches, grabbing his first mate’s arm. 

“Don’t,” he warns and Emma’s surprised to see her try to yank her arm free. But he holds firm. 

“Scarlet.” Pan sounds annoyed but intrigued nevertheless. “It’s been a long time.” He cocks his head, a small smirk on his childlike face. “You got old.”  

 “Go get the crew,” Killian orders, staring her down and not releasing her until the fight fades slightly from her eyes. He knows how much this must be killing her. “If there’s going to be a fight, we won’t be able to stop him alone. Bring them with you and meet me on deck.” 

Will baulks. “How dare you! I’ll have you know I’ve the complexion of a man less than half my age.” He brushes a hand over his scruffless cheek as if to prove it.

There’s still resistance in Wendy’s stance but she nods, dashing off towards the crew’s quarters. Killian turns to her. “Stay here. Don’t let the children leave the hull.” She can only nod, still watching as her new friend continues to bait Pan. “Bloody idiot,” Killian mutters under his breath.

Emma grabs his arm, halting him. She waits until his questioning gaze turns to her. “Be careful. Please.”

He watches her for a moment, eyes darting up to the deck, and then takes her hand, presses a kiss to the back of it and nods the voices above growing louder. He spares her one last glance before dashing up the stairs.

“Hook,” Pan says as soon as he reaches the bow of the ship. “There you are. I don’t like to be kept waiting.” 

“Apologies,” Killian offers with a small bow and a polite smile. “To what do we owe the pleasure?” 

“Where are my shadows?” 

“Your shadows? We don’t have any shadows here.” 

“Don’t lie,” Pan snaps and Emma flinches. “You stole eleven lost boys from me. Those were my lives - I won them fair and square. Give them back.” Emma half expects him to stomp his foot, but it’s then that she realizes that he can’t - because he’s not on the deck. He’s flying, or hovering a few feet above it. Wendy had said that Neverland’s magic couldn’t touch the Jolly - does that mean Pan can’t either? Can he not set foot onboard?

“They’re at the bottom of the sea, I’m afraid,” Killian tells him with a wince and she can see the rage building in the small boy.  

“Then I’ll take them from your crew. Eleven of them in exchange for the ones that you took.” Emma casts a glance back down the hall towards the hold where a dozen children hide. 

“No need for that,” Killian begins. “They aren’t to blame for this little misunderstanding. I’m sure we can find a solution where you get what you want that’s fair.” Pan hesitates at the word fair. He loves his games - he loves his rules. 

“Then who is to blame?” he demands. “Bring the thief forward so that he can be punished.”

“Unfortunately we-”

“I did it.” 

“Scarlet,” Wendy hisses in warning, but he’s already taking another step towards Pan. 

“It was my idea.” 

Pan glares. “Why?” 

There’s a pause and then Will smirks. “I just wanted to piss you off. For old time’s sake.” 

The boy’s anger shifts into something cruel and amused. “Well then, you can pay the price for old times sake. You remember how much fun my punishments can be,” he adds. She sees Will’s back go stiff right before Pan’s hand plunges deep into his chest and Emma has to cover her mouth with her hands to catch the scream that tries to escape. The crew stills, petrified. This isn’t the first time they’ve seen this happen.

“Wait!” Wendy shouts as Will lets out a groan of pain. Killian grabs her arm, silencing her and holding her in place. Pan ignores her, pulling his hand free, something bright and red and glowing held in his palm. That can’t be what she thinks it is. 

“Eleven lives,” he muses again, floating easily across the deck, thinking. He gives the thing a small squeeze and Will cries out falling to his knees. Pan smirks, he’s enjoying this, she can tell; he already knows what he wants to do and Emma’s nails dig into her palms, every bone in her body demanding she go up there and not let this happen. It should be her that pays the price. Not Will. 

His fingers tighten around it again and Will stops breathing, hand clutched to his chest where his heart should be until finally, Pan loosens his grip, looking at Will with his head cocked again. “You really did get old, Scarlet. But maybe not old enough…” He looks him over carefully, then the mass in his hand. “Eleven Lost Boy’s lives… so many years - But I think we can make it an even hundred. For old times sake?” he smirks. “That sounds fair,” he decides. “You can pay me back a hundred years.” 

When he squeezes the heart again, Will collapses onto the deck, bits of dust slipping from Pan’s fingers as the light flickers in and out and Emma can see Killian physically holding Wendy back now, knuckles white around the leather of her coat. Nobody breathes. The crew look like it’s taking everything they have not to run - either to Will or away from Pan. Instead they stand frozen. 

She counts the seconds as they go by. One. Two. Three. Four. Five… Will rasps out a strangled cry, fists balling against the wood planks of the deck. Six. Seven. Eight… She watches him grit his teeth, sweat beading along the back of his neck, fighting. Nine. Ten. Eleven…

When she reaches eleven, Will takes his first breath in what feels like hours, the light in Pan’s loosened grip smaller and dimmer but still glowing, still beating. 

“That should do it,” he smiles, returning Will’s heart to his chest.

Will gasps, settling his hand over it as if to feel the beat under it - make sure it’s really there. Then he frowns up at the boy. “Is… is that it?” 

“Scarlet.” It’s Killian who snaps this time. “Below deck. Now.” Emma can’t see the look Wendy gives him when Will defers to her, but it sends him to his feet and across the deck in a second, head bent low. 

“Emma,” he greets with all his usual bravado despite the raspiness of his breath when he finds her on the stairs. “Fancy seeing you here.” 

She punches him in the arm. Hard.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Ow!” 

“That was so stupid! What the hell were you thinking?” 

Will shrugs. “I owed him one. And I’m not going to let Killian get one up on the galant gestures.” 

“Hook.” Pan says, drawing her attention away before she can hit Will again. “If your crew isn’t going to play fair then they won’t get to play with us anymore”

“I’ll get them in line,” he promises and she can hear the edge in his voice. 

“Good. Do you need a reminder of the rules? You were away for a long time…”

“I remember.” 

Pan nods, happy now - a child getting his way. “Good. Then the game can continue.” He turns, hovering over the railing of the ship and casting them one last glance as the threat of a storm begins to clear. “But no more chances,” he warns. Both Killian and Wendy nod solemnly before he flies off towards the beach. 

As soon as he’s gone, Wendy practically runs towards the cabin. “All of you,” Killian commands, drawing the crew’s attention away from their former captain. “Back to work. Now,” he snaps when they don’t obey immediately. They scatter, finding work to keep them busy. 

Emma has to jump out of the way as the other woman barrels down the stairs, grabbing Will by the shoulders. She turns him one way and then another, hands coming to his face as she does the same to his head, checking for injuries. Finally, her hand settles on his chest and Emma can tell she’s counting heartbeats. Will lets her, not resisting as she checks him for any sign of permanent damage. 

When she seems satisfied, she raises furious eyes to his, the hand at his chest fisting in his shirt and shoving him away from her. “Fuck you, Scarlet,” she bites out before storming off down the hall. 

Killian takes over, grabbing him by the collar of his shirt. Will is less willing to let himself be manhandled by him though, shoving at his arm even as he holds firm. “Do you not know how to follow an order, mate?” 

“I’m not your mate,” he snaps back, more annoyed than angry. “And you’re not my Captain.” 

“And here I thought we were getting along,” Killian answers sarcastically. “And you don’t have to like it, but I am your Captain and if you do that to her again -”

“Like you did when you took off to find Henry?” 

“That was different. I did it to spare her the pain of losing someone she cares for.” 

“So did I. Do you really think Pan would have been so forgiving if you’d taken the blame? You’ve been gone a long time, Hook. You’re not his favourite playmate anymore.” 

“And you are?”

“I’m still alive aren’t I?” 

Killian scoffs. “You’ve lasted a decade. Speak to me when you survive a century.” 

“Well if we keep her alive we won’t have to,” Will snarks, nodding at Emma. 

“Me?”

���I wouldn’t have stuck my neck out for you if I didn’t think you were actually going to change things.” Emma doesn’t have an answer to that, the weight of his faith in her more than she can handle right now. “Don’t make me regret it, aye?” he winces, rubbing at his chest.

“What did he do to you?”

He gives a small shrug. “Crushed my heart. Wasn’t so bad, really - I’ve had worse.” 

“What?” 

“It’s a particular favourite of his,” Killian explains. 

“I’ve seen him do it to disobedient Lost Boys for hours - days once. He’s done it longer to me when I was his second. I’m surprised it was only…”

“Eleven seconds,” Emma supplies. The longest eleven seconds she can remember.

“Aye - I thought he’d be angrier.” 

“What did he mean by you paying him back a hundred years?” 

Will shrugs again. “Pan loves his riddles. I’m sure we’ll find out soon enough. I need to go find Wendy.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Killian warns and it almost sounds like a threat. 

Will scoffs, finally shoving his hand away. “Please. I’ve done stupider things than egg Pan on.”

“That doesn’t surprise me,” Killian rolls his eyes and Will glares at him before smirking.

“I’ve become very good at getting her to forgive me.” 

Emma wonders for a moment if she’s going to have to prevent a murder. “Get out of here before I get Pan to come back and crush your heart for good.” 

“What? I thought we were mates -”

“Go,” Emma tells him. Before Killian follows through on that promise. Thankfully, Will isn’t stupid enough to push him any further and does as he’s told. She puts a hand on Killian’s arm. “Just remember that he almost died today. Cut him a bit of slack.” He doesn’t seem convinced, continuing to glare after the younger man. “And he might have saved our lives. He definitely saved mine.” 

Killian scoffs, finally looking at her. “And he’ll never let us forget it.”

“So what’s next?” she asks, trying to distract him from his sort of daughter and her sort of boyfriend’s sort of love life. 

“Hmm?”

“We’ve got the lorelei, we’ve got Tinkerbell, we’ve got a ship full of Lost Boys and pirates, we kept him from getting any more shadows… what do we do now?”

“We figure out what Pan’s plan is.”

“Can we not just… kill him?” she knows they can’t - probably - but she’s pretty sure the idea hasn’t been thrown out there yet so it’s worth a shot. 

Killian shakes his head like she expected him to. “If we could, I’d have done it by now. I did once, when I first returned to Neverland after decades away. I ran him through with my sword trying to avenge my brother.” Her hand on his arm tightens without her meaning it to. “He pretended, made a whole show and lay there until I was sure he was dead - and then he started to laugh. Just another game - the first one I played with him even if I didn’t know it. He told me it was the only time he would let me win.”

“We’ll find a way.” 

He smiles at her, small and half-hearted but she believes him. “I’m sure you will.”

***

“Why do we have to do this?” one of the boys - Kyle, she thinks - complains, dropping the wooden sword to his side. It had been so strange and jarring to learn some of the Lost Boys names over the last few days. “ We have nothing to do but wait ,” Killian had said. “Tink has let the Constant know that we’re ready to meet with them and they’ll send word when they’ve decided if they’ll hear us out .” For some reason, the boys had all been like Wendy in her mind, born ‘ somewhere around the 1880s, I think, ’ or Will, who’d come to Neverland during the Blitz, using dreams to escape the nightmares of real life. But this new group of boys weren’t characters out of a book or an old black and white photo. 

“My mom named me after the guy in some robot movie that had just come out,” Kyle mentioned and it was a moment before it clicked. “The Terminator?!” He’d only shrugged. “That might’ve been it.” This boy was her age. He couldn’t have been born more than a couple of years after she was. Another boy’s tattered shirt had a faded image of Lilo and Stitch on it - he didn’t look more than twelve. These boys were just… kids. Regular kids like the ones she grew up with and the ones who lived in Storybrooke or Boston - boys like Henry. And now they were soldiers. 

“We have to do this,” Wendy answers, giving his fake sword a tap with her own so his arm straightens, “because everyone on this ship needs to be ready to defend her when the next raid happens - If you want to live until the next one.” 

“But we already know how to fight,” he whines. “We defeated you every time.” If Wendy’s upset at the casual mention of her crewmates being slaughtered, she doesn’t let it show. “I already know how to sword fight.” 

“Do you now?” Killian calls from the helm before she can answer. 

“Captain…” his first mate starts but he ignores her. He’s an imposing figure, clad in black leather with the metal of his hook gleaming in the sun and the weight of his sword heavy at his hip. As his footsteps echo across the deck as he makes his way over to where the boys had begun their training they all go silent. 

“Now now, Mr. Darling, if the boy thinks he’s beyond our instruction he should have the chance to prove himself.” He stops in front of the new recruit, drawing his sword in a slow, measured movement, the tip an inch from the kid’s nose and Emma panics for just a second that he might cut him down right there. But then he turns to Wendy, “Bosun, get this boy a real blade,” and she realizes he’s had exactly the effect he intended as everyone around him tenses. 

Wendy goes to fetch a weapon, shooting him the kind of eyeroll kids learn to make in front of adults without getting caught - one she knows very well.

“Think you can defeat me, boy?”

To his credit, Kyle straightens his shoulders, taking the offered sword and raising it to the Captain’s, ready for a fight. She thinks she might see the tiniest bit of approval beneath the scorn in Killian’s expression. The boy moves first, swinging at him with all his might as he deflects again and again. Killian’s toying with him - she knows he is. She saw Killian fight Will that first night on the Jolly. His blocks are too slow, letting the kid get within inches of hitting him. He doesn’t make a single attack, his feet unmoving and she’d think it was cruel if she didn’t understand why he was doing it. 

Finally, when the boy starts to sweat, she sees Killian shift, adjusting his stance as he swings at his opponent. The block comes almost too late, only stopped by the way Killian pulls back at the last moment. He does it again, and again, backing the boy across the deck with blow after blow. There’s no flourish to it, no showmanship, just skill and finesse and strength and speed.

The kid starts to panic, the attacks coming too fast and Emma holds back a gasp when Killian’s blade slices across Kyle’s forearm. After that, it’s easy for Killian to twist his blade out of the kid’s shocked hand with his own, his elbow coming up to knock the boy flat on his ass. By the time he looks up, nose bloody, eyes dazed and watery, Killian’s sword is pointed at his chest, his brow arched in a harsh challenge. 

“Please don’t kill me,” the boy says so quietly and so heartbreakingly that she thinks she sees Killian’s face soften just the barest amount before he takes a step back, dropping his sword. 

“Listen, all of you,” he booms, though every eye on the deck is already on him. “You’ve never defeated anyone. Until now you’ve been playing a game and the game has been rigged. And I’m sorry to say, you’re now on the losing team. The only thing that matters from this moment on is staying alive. And the only way to stay alive is being a skilled enough fighter - and knowing how to hold that skill back enough - that Pan will want to fight you again.”

 He lets this hang in the air for a moment, the boys’ faces showing different degrees of confusion and understanding and horror. “So all of you will follow Mr. Darling’s instructions and learn everything you can from him. You’ll fight to defend this ship, yourselves, and each other when the time comes because you’re part of my crew now.” He reaches a hook out to Kyle who sits cradling his nose and heaves the boy to his feet. “And we look after our own.” 

Killian looks at the boy who nods, message received loud and clear, before clapping him on the shoulder. “Scarlet, see that our newest crew member’s wounds are tended to. He put up quite the fight.” 

“Aye, Captain,” Will complies without argument or sarcasm and Killian must be as shocked as she is because he keeps his mouth shut. 

“Darling must have said something to him,” he tells her when Emma joins him, his sword sliding carefully back into its sheath as he watches Wendy continue her lesson. 

“Or maybe you just did.” Killian only looks at her, brow raised in disbelief before she gestures at the sword hanging at his belt. “So, come on, are you going to show me how to use this thing or not?”

His face splits into a shit-eating grin. “Ah, Swan, I’ve dreamed of the day that you’d ask me to show you how to handle my sword.”

***

“Do you want the good news or the bad news first?” Tinkerbell asks. She’d floated onto the ship that night, looking stronger than when Emma had last seen her - the few days with the Constant clearly having done her good. Her wings looked taller, fully unfurled, the crepe paper like skin no longer breakable and frail as they flutter behind her. 

“Is there good news?” Killian sighs, standing from his desk where he’d been looking over maps of the island while Emma asked him questions about them, how each was different based on when it was drawn, what Pan had changed, who he had brought. He seemed unbothered by the fairy magicking his window open and letting herself in. 

“They’ve agreed to meet with you. They haven’t agreed to help,” she clarifies when Killian looks surprised, “but they’ve agreed to hear you out.”

“And the bad news?” 

“They’ll only meet us in Echo Caves.”

Killian lets out a heavy, long suffering sigh, thumb brushing the inner corner of his brow, words dripping with sarcasm. “Wonderful. Did they happen to give a reason why?” 

“Something about making sure you can be trusted - some incident at skull rock?”

“It was a misunderstanding,” he mutters under his breath. 

“Really because the way I heard it -” 

“It’s fine. Tell them we agree to their terms. When do they expect us?”

“First light.” 

Killian nods. “We’ll be there. And Tink,” he adds when she turns to leave. “Thank you.” 

She sneers. “I’m not doing it for you.” And then she’s gone before he can say another word. 

“What’s Echo Caves?” Emma pulls her knees up to her chest where she’s perched on the desk after she’s sure the fairy’s out of earshot and Killian’s sagged back in his seat. 

“Another one of Neverland’s little delights,” he sighs again. “The magic of the cave compels you to share your deepest secret - whether or not you’re even aware of it.” 

“Have you gone before?” she asks. 

“Once.” His hand drifts up without her really noticing, fingers curling around her calf, thumb tracing over her shin and she thinks maybe it wasn’t a pleasant experience. “Pan wanted to test my loyalty.” She rests her chin on her knee, dreading what he may have had to confess to Pan to keep himself alive on this horrible island. He smiles up at her then, a put-on apathy. “Thankfully, I had many terrible deeds in my past to confess to.” He doesn’t give her a chance to say anything before he releases her and stands again - something dropped between them and something else put up. 

“Are you afraid?” 

Killian doesn’t look at her. “Always.” Her heart tightens. She understands - she’d only been here a few weeks and she’s been terrified every moment - apart from her brief experiment with fairy wine - centuries… she can’t imagine. “But not of the Constant. Tiger Lily may hold a grudge but they’ll do whatever’s best for this island, and so will their people. And I’ve no ill-intent towards them or love for Pan.” He looks at her then, pausing. “Are you?”

“Of having to spill my deepest secret to a bunch of strangers? No, why would I possibly be stressed about that?” she smirks half-heartedly. 

“Strangers?” Killian raises a brow, sliding back across the room and resting his hand and hook on the desk on either side of her. “You hurt me, Swan. I thought we were friends - acquaintances at least.” 

She shoves at his chest rolling her eyes and he smirks. “Usually a guy has to buy me dinner before he gets to hear the all sordid details of my past.” Or coffee in an empty theme park where a pretty smile and a well-placed sneak into his past makes her think she’s safe to reveal herself, to trust someone with all of it.

“Hey,” his thumb brushes over her knee as he tries to catch her gaze. “Where’d you go?”

Not anywhere he needs to know about - or anywhere she’d care to revisit. So she smiles at him, lets her foot brush against the side of his calf, teasing, distracting. “Just trying to figure out which of my deepest secrets are gonna come spilling out of me tomorrow.” He doesn’t believe her, his lie detector almost as good as her own, she's realized, but he doesn’t say anything about it. 

“Well you are a mystery, Swan,” he tells her with a half-hearted smirk. 

“Not for much longer, apparently.” 

Something shifts in the way he’s looking at her, sympathy or understanding as he cocks his head. “You know you don’t have to come if -” 

“I’m going.” 

Killian huffs a laugh. “Of course you are. Well if there’s anything you want to get off your chest without an audience, now’s the time.” His eyebrow quirks up in challenge. “Won’t be a secret anymore if you tell me.” She meets it. 

“What? Is one revelation about me not enough for you?”

Something shifts again, something heavier, her skin warm and humming with fear and anticipation as he looks at her the way he had when he’d been curled around her on the floor of the brig. His voice is lower when he speaks. “Perhaps I’d just like to know you, Swan.” 

She casts her eyes to the floor, his gaze too intense - always too intense - before setting the smirk that had fallen from her lips back in place. “You first.” 

“I’m an open book, love. Ask me anything you like.”

She has one question, one that’s been itching at the back of her mind since she’d seen the canvas of scars etched across his skin. “Who were you? Before you were here - before you were ‘Captain Hook’?”

His bravado falters for a moment. “I was many things. Son, brother, slave, sailor, lieutenant, captain, pirate, partner… None for very long.” He gives her another of those showy smirks. “It seems Hook is the only one that stuck.” Her heart breaks a little, so many loves lost and so many injustices done in such a short life. She thinks of the scars that had criss-crossed his back, that she’d asked about so casually then - slave he’d said - and she wishes she could do it over, pay both them and him the reverence they deserve. “What about you?” 

“What about me?”

His hand slides to her wrist, to the laces she’d tied there the first day she’d come back to the sheriff’s office alone. All of his things had been gone. Desk cleared out, jacket taken from the back of his chair, the few things he bothered to keep - a tacky ceramic wolf, a photo of him and some friends she never bothered to ask him about, even the bottle of whiskey he kept in his top drawer - had been ransacked. He had no family that she knew of - no family that could be found at all - and she’d just known that it was Regina. She’d come in and wiped every trace of Graham clean like he never existed - apart from a single pair of boots forgotten by the back door. 

“They belonged to someone I used to know.” 

“Someone you cared for?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” she shrugs. “He’s gone now.” 

“It mattered enough for you to keep a piece of him with you.” He fingers the laces again, focusing on them, not making her meet his eyes again. “I know what it is to lose the people that matter most.” 

Emma pulls her hand back, sliding them both behind her under the guise of leaning back on the desk and gives another dismissive shrug even as she can’t make herself look at him. “Yeah, well, when you grow up like I did you learn pretty quickly not to get attached.”

Thankfully, Killian knows how to take a hint, straightening and flashing her an off  grin. “If only we all possessed such a skill, Swan.” Then, pushing away from the desk,  “I best let the others know what awaits us all  tomorrow.” 

Emma swallows, this island has already taken so much from her - her son, her name, her memories - almost - her whole belief system… How much more can it really take? She doesn’t ask - not anymore as she slides into Killian’s bed instead of her own, and he doesn’t say anything as he joins her a few minutes later, just pulls her against him, breath warm and comforting against her cheek as they try to shut themselves off from the cries that ring out on the deck above them. 

*******

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[fearsomeandwretchedandwrong]

Big Finish audio books I've listened to

Doctor Who The Lost Stories: The Nightmare Fair

Doctor Who Short Trips: Volume 1

Doctor Who Short Trips: The Last Day at Work

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Sirens of Time

Doctor Who Short Trips: The Lichyrwick Abomination

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Phantasmagoria

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Land of the Dead

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Whispers of Terror

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Storm Warning

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures : The Fearmonger

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: City of Spires

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Red Dawn

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Marian Conspiracy

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Winter for the Adept

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Spectre of Lanyon Moor

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Apocalypse Element

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Mutant Phase

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Sword of Orion

UNIT: Extinction #1 Vanguard

UNIT: Extinction #2 Earthfall

UNIT: Extinction #3 Bridgehead

UNIT: Extinction #4 Armageddon

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Stones of Venice

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Loups-Garoux

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Minuet in Hell

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Holy Terror

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Invaders From Mars

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Bloodtide

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Eye of the Scorpion

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Chimes of Midnight

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Primeval

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Spare Parts

Doctor Who Short Trips: Best Laid Plans

Doctor Who Short Trips: The World Tree

Doctor Who Short Trips: Free Speech

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Project Twilight

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The One Doctor

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Seasons of Fear

Doctor Who Companion Chronicles: Peri and the Piscon Paradox

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Embrace the Darkness

Doctor Who Companion Chronicles: Old Soldiers

Doctor Who Companion Chronicles: Helicon Prime

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Time of the Daleks

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Church and the Crown

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Neverland

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Zagreus

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: The Wreck of the Titan

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: ...ish

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Creatures of Beauty

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: 1963 Fanfare for the Common Men

Tenth Doctor Adventures Volume One: #3 Death and the Queen

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Blood Of The Daleks Pt.1

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Blood Of The Daleks Pt.2

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Horror of Fang Rock

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Immortal Beloved

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Phobos

Eighth Doctor Adventures: No More Lies

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Human Resources Pt.1

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Human Resources Pt.2

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Omega

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Davros

Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Fallen Angels

Third Doctor Adventures: Primord

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Jubilee

Doctor Who Lost Stories: Mission to Magnus

Doctor Who Lost Stories: Leviathan

Doctor Who Monthly Adventures: Last of the Cybermen

Tenth Doctor Adventures: Out of Time

Tenth Doctor Adventures: Out of Time 2 The Gates of Hell

Tenth Doctor Adventures: Out of Time 3 Wink

Fourth Doctor Adventures: Energy of the Daleks

Classic Doctors, New Monsters: The Sontaran Ordeal

Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Harvest of the Sycorax

Destiny of the Doctor: Shadow of Death

Destiny of the Doctor: Babblesphere

Destiny of the Doctor: Smoke and Mirrors

Destiny of the Doctor: Trouble in Paradise

Destiny of the Doctor: Enemy Aliens

Destiny of the Doctor: Night of the Whisper

Destiny of the Doctor: Death's Deal

Destiny of the Doctor: The Time Machine

Classic Doctors, New Monsters: Judoon in Chains

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 2: Night of the Vashta Nerada

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 2: Day of the Vashta Nerada

Doctor Who Lost Stories: Deathworld

Doctor Who Short Trips: Regeneration Impossible

The Tenth Doctor and River Song: Expiry Dating

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 2: Empire of the Racnoss

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 2: The Carrionite Curse

Doctor Who Lost Stories: Hexagora

Doctor Who Lost Stories: The Children of Seth

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Birdsong

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Lost Hearts

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Slow Beasts

Doctor Who Special Releases: The Light At The End

Doctor Who Companion Chronicles: Night's Black Agents

Doctor Who Once and Future: Past Lives

Doctor Who Once and Future: The Artist at the End of Time

Doctor Who Once and Future: A Genius for War

Doctor Who Once and Future: Two's Company

Doctor Who Once and Future: The Martian Invasion of Planetoid 50

Doctor Who Once and Future: Time Lord Immemorial

Doctor Who Once and Future: The Union

Doctor Who Lost Stories: Operation Werewolf

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Cuddlesome

Fourth Doctor Adventures: The Last of the Colophon

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The Revolution Game

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Psychodrome

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Iterations of I

Fourth Doctor Adventures: The Storm of the Sea Devils

Fourth Doctor Adventures: Worlds Beyond

Ninth Doctor Adventures: The Hunting Season

Ninth Doctor Adventures: The Curse of Lady Macbeth

Ninth Doctor Adventures: Monsters in Metropolis

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Friendly Fire

Fifth Doctor Adventures: The Edge of the War

Missy: A Spoonful of Mayhem

Missy: Divorced, Beheaded, Regenerated

Missy: The Broken Clock

Missy: The Belly of the Beast

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Wicked Sisters - The Garden of Storms

Fifth Doctor Adventures : Wicked Sisters - The Moonrakers

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Wicked Sisters - The People Made of Smoke

Fourth Doctor Adventures: Matryoshka

Seventh Doctor Adventures: Robophobia

Fifth Doctor Adventures: The Lost Resort

Fifth Doctor Adventures: The Perils of Nellie Bly

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Nightmare of the Daleks

Fourth Doctor Adventures: The Caged Assassin

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Time's Horizon

Fourth Doctor Adventures: Metamorphosis

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The Great War

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Fugitives

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Tangled Web

Eighth Doctor Adventures: X and the Daleks

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The Traitor

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The White Room

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Time's Horizon

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Eyes of the Master

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The Reviled

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Masterplan

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Rule of the Eminence

Eighth Doctor Adventures: A Life in the Day

Eighth Doctor Adventures: The Monster of Montmartre

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Master of the Daleks

Eighth Doctor Adventures: Eye of Darkness

Doctor Who Special Releases: The Four Doctors

Ninth Doctor Adventures: Sphere of Freedom

Ninth Doctor Adventures: Cataclysm

Ninth Doctor Adventures: Food Fight

Third Doctor Adventures: The Quintessence

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 3: The House That Hoxx Built

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 3: The Tivolian Who Knew Too Much

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 3: Together in Eclectic Dreams

Classic Doctors, New Monsters 3: If I Should Die Before I Wake

Doctor Who Short Trips: War Stories

Doctor Who The Sirens of Time Redux

Doctor Who Once and Future: Coda - The Final Act

Seventh Doctor Adventures: The Doctor and Carnacki - The Haunter of the Shore

Seventh Doctor Adventures: The Doctor and Carnacki - The House

Seventh Doctor Adventures: The Doctor and Carnacki - The Institute of Forgotten Souls

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Forty - Secrets of Telos

Fifth Doctor Adventures: Forty - God of War

[blazing-dynamo]

I spent the night making a Listening Guide for the 8th Doctor for my partner, and figured I would share. I made it as a checklist in iOS. The numbers/abbreviations are connected to my Plex Audiobook server so might not line up with the names/numbering of the official releases.

8th Doctor Order

Charley Era

Main Range

- [ ] 16 - Storm Warning

- [ ] 17 - Sword of Orion

- [ ] 18 - Stones of Venice

- [ ] 19 - Minuet in hell

- [ ] 28 - invaders from mars

- [ ] 29 - Chimes of Midnight (Christmas Special!)

- [ ] 30 - Seasons of Fear

- [ ] 31 - Embrace the Darkness

- [ ] 32 - The Time of the Daleks

- [ ] 33 - Neverland

- [ ] 50 - Zagreus (Season Finale!)

- [ ] 52 - Scherzo (best one bring tissue)

- [ ] 53 - Creed of the Kromon (new companion!)

- [ ] 54 - The Natural History of Fear

- [ ] 55 - The Twilight Kingdom

- [ ] 61 - Faith Stealer

- [ ] 62 - The Last

- [ ] 63 - Caerdroia

- [ ] 64 - The Next Life (Season Finale!)

- [ ] 72 - Terror Firma

- [ ] 75 - Scaredy Cat

- [ ] 77 - Other Lives

- [ ] 80 - Time Works

- [ ] 83 - Something Inside

- [ ] 88 - Memory Lane

- [ ] 101 - Absolution

- [ ] 103 - The Girl that Never Was (Season Finale. End of Era.)

Charley Era Bonus content:

Charley is a fan favorite so she has a whole bunch of side content compared to the other eras.

Eighth Doctor Adventures

- [ ] CPFA1.01 The Mummy Speaks

- [ ] CPFA1.02 Eclipse

- [ ] CPFA1.03 The Slaying of the Writhing Mass

- [ ] CPFA1.04 Heart of Orion

- [ ] 8DA1.00 Living Legend

These are Charley stories made after the end of Charley’s era. Charlotte Pollard the Further Adventuress is brand new. Living Legend was like a year after she left (don’t fact check me)

Main Range

- [ ] 111 - The Doomwood Curse

- [ ] 114 - Brotherhood of the Daleks

- [ ] 116 - The Raincloud Man

- [ ] 124 - Patient Zero

- [ ] 125 - Paper Cuts

- [ ] 126 - Blue Forgotten Planet

This resolves the charley cliffhanger. She travels with the Sixth Doctor for some timey wimey further pissing off of the web of time. If you still don’t have enough Charley she has her own series that follows after her adventures with Sixie.

Main Range

- [ ] 123 - The Company of Friends

- [ ] 153 - The Silver Turk

- [ ] 154 - The Witch from the Well

- [ ] 155 - Army of Death

Eighth doctor in the main range without Charley. 123 is with his comic/book companions. The others are the Mary Shelly companion stories! Fun fact he mentions these travels as just happening in Storm Warning so they are a direct prequel.

Main Range

- [ ] 100 - 100 (technically only in part 4)

- [ ] 275 - End of The Beginning

One offs

- [ ] The Light At The End (50th anniv special)

The Legacy of Time

- [ ] 1 Lies in Ruins

- [ ] 2 The Split Infinitive

- [ ] 3 The Sacrifice of Jo Grant

- [ ] 4 Relative Time

- [ ] 5 The avenues of Possibility

- [ ] 6 Collision Course

This chunk is all big anniversary cross overs that feature charley. Some with 6. Some with 8.

Companion Chronicles

- [ ] 4.12 Solitaire

Short Trips

- [ ] 2.8 Letting Go

- [ ] 5.8 Foreshadowing

- [ ] 6.11 The Man Who Wasn’t There

- [ ] 9.11 Hall of the Ten Thousand

- [ ] 10.8 These Stolen Hours

Classic Doctors, New Monsters

- [ ] 3.4 If I should die before I wake

This last selection is all small short stories that take place during the Charley Era.

Lucie Era

Eighth Doctor Adventures

8DA Season 1

- [ ] 1, 2 Blood of the Daleks

- [ ] 3 Horror of Glam Rock

- [ ] 4 Immortal Beloved

- [ ] 5 Phobos

- [ ] 6 No More Lies

- [ ] 7, 8 Human Resources

8DA Season 2

- [ ] 1 Dead London

- [ ] 2 Max Warp

- [ ] 3 Brave New Town

- [ ] 4 The Skull of Sobek

- [ ] 5 Grand Theft Cosmos

- [ ] 6 The Zygon that Fell to Earth

- [ ] 7 Sisters of the Flame

- [ ] 8 Vengeance of Morbius

8DA Season 3

- [ ] 1 Orbis

- [ ] 2 Hothouse

- [ ] 3 Beast of Orlock

- [ ] 4 Wirrn Dawn

- [ ] 5 Scapegoat

- [ ] 6 The Cannibalists

- [ ] 7 The Eight Truths

- [ ] 8 Worldwide Web

8DA Season 4

- [ ] 1 Death in Blackpool

- [ ] 2 Situation Vacant

- [ ] 3 Nevermore

- [ ] 4 The Book of Kells

- [ ] 5 Deimos

- [ ] 6 The Resurrection of Mars

- [ ] 7 Relative Dimensions

- [ ] 7b An Earthly Child

- [ ] 8 Prisoner of the Sun

- [ ] 9 Lucie Miller

- [ ] 10 To the Death (end of the Era)

Lucie Era Bonus

8DA Season 5

- [ ] 1 The Dalek Trap

- [ ] 2 The Revolution Game

- [ ] 3 The House on the Edge of Chaos

- [ ] 4 Island of the Fendahl

This season is technically not an 8DA release but is called “the further adventures of Lucie miller” and takes place before Human Resources. But I wouldn’t slot it there, and instead just listen as a bonus.

Short Trips

- [ ] 3.8 All the fun of the Fair

- [ ] 6.4 The Curse of the Fugue

- [ ] ST7.7 Flashpoint

- [ ] SST 2014-06 Late Night Shopping

- [ ] SST 2013-03 the Young Lions

- [ ] SST 2015-12 The Caves of Erith

Liv and Helen Era

Yes technically this was the Molly era but she got too famous between dark eyes part 1 and 2 so it’s really Liv’s Era, and Helen joins soon after. This era is a string of box sets so basically just Dark Eyes >Doom Coalition >Ravenous > Stranded, but what follows is a checklist so you can keep track.

Eighth Doctor Adventures

Dark Eyes

- [ ] 1.1 The Great War

- [ ] 1.2 Fugutives

- [ ] 1.3 Tangled Web

- [ ] 1.4 X and the Daleks

- [ ] 2.1 The Traitor

- [ ] 2.2 The White Room

- [ ] 2.3 Time’s Horizon (Hello Liv!)

- [ ] 2.4 Eyes of the Master

- [ ] 3.1 The Death of Hope

- [ ] 3.2 The Reviled

- [ ] 3.3 Masterplan

- [ ] 3.4 Rule of the Eminence

- [ ] 4.1 A Life in the Day

- [ ] 4.2 The Monster of Monmarte

- [ ] 4.3 Master of the Daleks

- [ ] 4.4 Eye of Darkness

Doom Coalition

- [ ] 1.1 The Eleven

- [ ] 1.2 The Red Lady

- [ ] 1.3 The Galileo Trap

- [ ] 1.4 The Satanic Mill

- [ ] 2.1 Beachhead Track

- [ ] 2.2 Scenes from Her Life

- [ ] 2.3 The Gift

- [ ] 2.4 The Sonomancer

- [ ] 3.1 Absent Friends

- [ ] 3.2 The Eighth Piece

- [ ] 3.3 The Doomsday Chronometer

- [ ] 3.4 The Crucible of Souls

- [ ] 4.1 Ship in a Bottle

- [ ] 4.2 Songs of Love

- [ ] 4.3 The Side of the Angels

- [ ] 4.4 Stop the Clock

Ravenous

- [ ] 1.1 Their Finest Hour

- [ ] 1.2 How to make a Killing in Time Travel

- [ ] 1.3 World of Damnation

- [ ] 1.4 Sweet Salvation

- [ ] 2.1 Escape from Kaldor

- [ ] 2.2 Better Watch Out

- [ ] 2.3 Fairytale of Salzburg (Another Christmas Special)

- [ ] 2.4 Seizure

- [ ] 3.1 Deeptime Frontier

- [ ] 3.2 Companion Piece***** See Below

- [ ] 3.3 LEGEND

- [ ] 3.4 The Odds Against

- [ ] 4.1 Whisper

- [ ] 4.2 Planet of Dust

- [ ] 4.3 Day of the Master 1

- [ ] 4.4 Day of the Master 2

I highly recommend skipping to the Bliss Era before Companion Piece. They were released simultaneously and have a crossover in companion piece and it makes it better. But you could always “Spoilers sweetie” and find it out later.

Stranded

- [ ] 1.1 Lost Property

- [ ] 1.2 Wild Animals

- [ ] 1.3 Must-See TV

- [ ] 1.4 Divine Intervention

- [ ] 2.1 Dead Time

- [ ] 2.2 Unit Dating

- [ ] 2.3 Baker Street Irregulars

- [ ] 2.4 The Long Way Round

- [ ] 3.1 Patience

- [ ] 3.2 Twisted Folklore

- [ ] 3.3 Snow

- [ ] 3.4 What Just Happened

- [ ] 4.1 Crossed Lines

- [ ] 4.2 Get Andy

- [ ] 4.3 The Keys of Baker Street

- [ ] 4.4 Best Year Ever

Liv and Helen continue into What Lies Inside and Connections, but I don’t have it yet so I don’t know the episode names.

Liv Era Bonus Content

Main Range

- [ ] 149. Robophobia

Liv was actually an almost-companion for the 7th doctor. She told him no, and kicked herself until the 8th Doctor showed back up.

The Robots

Liv’s Spin off. Takes place during Ravenous 2 when the doctor has to leave her for a year. I haven’t listened yet so I don’t know the titles but there are 6 seasons of 3 episodes

Ninth Doctor Adventures

- [ ] 2.3 Hidden Depths

Crossover with the Ninth Doctor Range.

Short Trips

- [ ] 7.1 The World Beyond the Trees

Bliss Era

Aka the Time War! Can technically be listened to whenever because it doesn’t directly reference things but it’s best after Doom Coalition, but Before Ravenous.

Eighth Doctor Adventures

Time War

- [ ] 1.1 The Starship of Theseus

- [ ] 1.2 Echoes of War

- [ ] 1.3 The Conscript

- [ ] 1.4 One Life

- [ ] 2.1 The Lords of Terror

- [ ] 2.2 Planet of the Ogrons

- [ ] 2.3 In the Garden of Death

- [ ] 2.4 Jonah

- [ ] 3.1 State of Bliss

- [ ] 3.2 The Famished Lands

- [ ] 3.3 Fugutive in Time

- [ ] 3.4 The War Valeyard

- [ ] 4.1 Palindrome 1

- [ ] 4.2 Palindrome 2

- [ ] 4.3 Dreadshade

- [ ] 4.4 Restoration of the Daleks

[lurking-latinist]

Hello Aurelia,

Siena Sevenwits here! Not long ago you turned me in the direction of Spotify for Big Finish - now that it's Christmas I have a little listening time. I was wondering if I could ask for a rec or two, if you have time and inclination? I'm, er, wondering if it's a good idea to get into 6, 7, and 8 by means of audio rather than TV. If I'm barking up the wrong tree, ah well.

My Whovianness on television: Got into Doctor Who casually around 2010, and been rather on and off. I've seen a fair-ish amount of Doctors 1-4, rather more of 5, and only tiny bits of 6-8. I am aware of all the major Who-impacting plot points even from the later eras, could tell you a few sentences about each of the companions from those adventures, etc. As for New Who, I came to Doctor Who via 11, whom I know extremely well, and some 10 here and there. I've listened to a smattering of Big Finishes with 5.

What I'm looking for: I'm especially intrigued by 7 & 8, though I'm open to persuasion about 6. I don't have a lot of time to watch TV right now, but have time to listen while I do chores, which is partly why I thought this might be a good way to get into these incarnations. I love clever or atmospheric adventures, though humour is welcome too. Good character development is awesome. I'd prefer single rather than multi-doctor stories. Really I'm looking for a good starting place and, you know, confirmation that this is actually a good idea without watching the shows first. I also don't mind listening to adventures that spoil things from the show.

Siena!! This is the best ask!

The good news is that it is a great idea to get into 8 by means of audio--there is only audio! (Well, and novels and comics, but those are separate continuities.) There is the TV Movie, which is the Eighth Doctor's first story and only full-length appearance in a televised medium, and you can certainly watch it if you want--it's a corny good time--but you really won't miss anything at all by starting directly with 8 on audio. He is the audio Doctor.

The converse to this is that 8 has been in a lot of audio, so you'll still need to narrow it down. I'm assuming you don't want to start with any of the boxsets (sets of usually four hour-long stories), which are expensive and continuity-heavy. Instead, you'll probably want to start with one of the two 8 runs that are available free on Spotify: his adventures with Charlotte "Charley" Pollard and Lucie Miller.

For Charley you'll start with Storm Warning, which is a very enjoyable listen. It's definitely a good starting point--I would say it's similar to, say, The Eleventh Hour in that it introduces a basically new Doctor and new companion, and it's intended to be a doable jumping-on point. From there you can listen to Eight and Charley's stories sequentially--there is a 'season' arc, so be sure you listen more or less in order--they're all part of the Main Range, so just pick out the Main Range stories with Paul McGann in them. But you can skip Minuet in Hell, it's really bad and not part of the season arc. The arc concludes in Neverland and the infamously long, complicated, and multi-Doctor Zagreus, but don't worry if you just want to read the wiki summary for Zagreus. At that point if you want more Eight and Charley you have to start spending money, but the next several adventures are quite cheap on the Big Finish website, so it's not a bad deal at all (and you get to download and keep the files, it's not a streaming situation).

Eight and Charley's stories are dramatic, romantic (in the 'literary style' sense, although occasionally in the 'love' sense as well), and often historically inflected--she's an eighteen-year-old runaway schoolgirl and would-be 'Edwardian Adventuress' whom the Doctor rescues from an airship crash in 1930. Their plotline is the first Doctor/companion ship that's anything like canonical, although it's always framed as a tragic romance: their love is impossible but their friendship is real. Their stories are formatted like Classic Who stories in that each story consists of four half-hour episodes, which can be handy if, for instance, you have a half-hour commute or task.

Some of Eight and Charley's other best stories are The Stones of Venice, Chimes of Midnight, and Seasons of Fear.

Alternatively, you could start with Eight and Lucie instead! I'm somewhat biased because I love Charley and could never quite get into Lucie as much, but I did enjoy her stories and would listen again. Her opening adventure, the two-parter Blood of the Daleks, is also a perfectly workable jumping-on point, and from there you'll listen to the stories in the 8th Doctor Adventures series. Lucie's a young English woman from 2006 (so then-contemporary) who's placed in 'witness protection' by the Time Lords and forced to travel with the Doctor after she gets accidentally involved in some time nonsense. Initially skeptical of him, she eventually comes to be great friends with the Doctor but never stands for his nonsense--think a somewhat younger Donna. She has a lot of adventures after the season that's available on Spotify, which I haven't listened to all of, but I'm told she gets some really emotionally devastating story arcs. But she's also very snarky and funny. Her stories are one or two hour-long parts each, so formatted more like a New Who story.

With Eight and Lucie, I particularly remember enjoying Phobos and Human Resources.

So Eight is the best Doctor to start with on audio, because he's so very on audio. But there is a story arc with Six and an audio-original companion that is also a fantastic jumping-on point, and assumes no knowledge of Six's TV run. In The Marian Conspiracy, the Sixth Doctor finds that a time anomaly appears to be affecting middle-aged history professor Dr. Evelyn Smythe. He goes to investigate the anomaly's origin in the Tudor period, which happens to be Evelyn's specialty, and she invites herself along! I adore Evelyn and think everyone should meet her, and she and Six have some of the best audios honestly--Jubilee and Doctor Who and the Pirates are both deservedly famous. The writing and characterization issues that you may have heard about in Six's TV run 100% do not apply to the audios. But if you're more drawn to Eight than Six, you might as well start with Eight. Six and Evelyn will be there!

There are also plenty of Six audios with his TV companions Peri and Mel, but most of those aren't designed as starting points. Although my own starting point with Six was ...ish, which is a Peri one, and I turned out all right.

Seven doesn't have a sort of audio reboot like Six and Eight both do, so most Seven audios (especially the early ones which are free) include his TV companions, Mel and Ace. But the Seven and Mel stories certainly require no knowledge of TV continuity. The Fires of Vulcan is a particularly fun historical of theirs in which the TARDIS gets lost in ancient Pompeii. His stories with Ace do tend to draw on her TV characterization more, but if you know basically who she is, you should be fine to listen to any of their early ones that draw your attention. Additionally, Seven and Ace pick up a third companion, Hex (it's short for Hector), who is a nurse from 2021 (which was a long time in the future when they made it!). Hex is a part of some very long-term story arcs, and it's best to listen to the Seven, Ace & Hex stories in order if you want to do that.

I realize this is a lot of information in not very parsable form, but fortunately @circular-time's website VHSWhovian has a very useful Index of Free Big Finish on Spotify.

Enjoy!

[nevereverlandboys]

Different Pulses 

Pairing: Felix x Reader

Warnings: Swearing

Summary: After Pan gets defeated, Y/N and Felix live together in Storybrooke with the "heroes". They both don't get along and seem to avoid each other, until the "heroes" need to leave them alone to save Henry from another threat. Will Y/N get along with the cold, distant boy?

Part: (1/?)

@madd-devil

This story is heavily inspired by "When it's cold" by:

@the-original-weirdo-83

@peter-pan-on-neverland

Y/N's eyes wandered through the small room, from the small bed to the huge window, stopping at the small drawer underneath it, before finally stepping further in. The walls were dyed light blue and besides a big clock and a flat screen they were empty. There was nothing unusual with this room, nothing really striking and yet it still felt a little strange. She walked forwards and ripped the dark curtains away, opening the window to welcome the golden sunlight into the room, warming her skin. The air smelled different and even the birds chirped in another tune. It seemed as if this world was quieter than the other, less dangerous and more welcoming. For a moment Y/N was soaked into the moment and drifted off into her thoughts, as suddenly some cursing in the next room ripped the girl out of her thoughts. With an annoyed snarl, she rolled her eyes and let herself drop onto the small bed, trying to ignore the sounds that probably came from the grumpy former second in command. After all, he still did not like being taken from Neverland, as he found himself with Y/N in a new home in Storybrooke. He still did not fit in and fought with everything he had to integrate. The second in command was stubborn and feisty, hot-tempered and constantly in a bad mood. Felix had barely granted Y/N a smile since they came off the Island and after he was brought into Mary Margaret's and David Charmings flat, everything went worse. The lost boy usually locked himself up inside his room, stayed there until after dinner to grab himself the leftovers, before vanishing back behind the wooden door. He never seemed to understand the technology around him, not even trying to understand it, but getting angry instead if it did not work out like he had imagined it to.  Y/N on the other hand, found herself in a healthy relationship with her hosts real quick. They took it as their own responsibility to take both of them in, after Pan was defeated. Felix, because he was the most stubborn boy that would never find his peace in an orphanage and Y/N, because she was the only girl next to Wendy that lived with the lost boys. After all this time on the island, she found herself being close to Henry as well. The small, young boy was like a little brother to her, making the girl laugh and joining her whenever Mary Margaret would allow them to go out. She was a careful woman and even though she trusted Y/N, there was no reason for her not to be cautious. Also Y/N suspected Mary  not to act like granting the girl a privilege while Felix was still being guarded. 

Another loud yell from behind those walls disturbed the girls' peaceful daydreams once more, so she grabbed the pillow and pressed it over her head to muffle all the sound, trying her best to ignore everything around. It was a day too pretty for this and Y/N only wanted to relax, but not a few minutes of delightful silence later, she heard a knock on the wooden door. Moving her body properly under the sheets, she faced the door and mumbled just loud enough,"Come in."

The door swung open and revealed the former second in command's worried face, his sweaty hair hung down his face and he breathed so loud that the girl could literally feel anger flooding in the room. The atmosphere turned immediately tense and the room seemed to shrink around her with each second passing. Y/N held her breath and raised one eyebrow in confusion, trying her best to hide her insecurities behind a questioning look, as the lanky, blonde boy's eyes pierced her urgently. 

"Where is the little rat?" Felix spoke in a hoarse tone. 

"The ra-" She started confused. "Oh."

Henry.

"He took my cloak." Felix raged. "Where is the bastard, so I can smite him!"

"It's in the laundry." Y/N interrupted him before Felix would even try to hurt Henry and give him the fault for her doings. She found it in the bathroom and washed it along with the other laundry. The girl's voice was almost inaudible, well knowing the boy's temper from all the countless encounters with the other lost boys. Felix's eyes twitched and he gritted his teeth as he slowly came closer, one step after another, to close the distance that kept her away from him, the only distance that gave the girl at least a little bit of comfort. Henry could be glad to have to spend the time with the grumpy lost boy on weekends only. How much she envied him.

"What?" He snarled with his face just a few centimeters away from hers and for a moment her mind went blank, the only impulse she felt was to storm out of the room. As she crashed to the door, Y/N did not even bother to look back and swiftly grabbed her shoes and keys before leaving the apartment.  The door swung shut with a loud crash that echoed through every room as Felix swayed back in his own room, every cell inside him questioning why his heart felt so heavy. Y/N was not even sure if the lanky boy bothered to chase after her and if her actions seemed a little exaggerated, but when Felix built himself up in front of her, the girl's heart sank into the bottom of her body and fear overtook her mind. The former lost boy had been cruel to other boys for less than that.

She did not stay out for long, simply walked around the block to get some fresh air and to get some space from the tall boy. Also, because she knew that Mary would be mad if she was not home when the woman returned. The first week did not start well and Y/N let out a frustrated sight as she thought of the future. Mary and David left her alone with him half of the day, having the boy locked up in his room was not consoling though, the fact alone that he was present was enough to make her feel nervous. When she returned to the apartment, Felix was nowhere in sight, so she quickly snuck back into her room, hoping that he would leave her alone for the rest of the day. On the other hand, she had to make sure that he would not hurt Henry, the poor boy did nothing wrong. For a moment Y/N hesitated until she decided to get Felix's cloak from the washing line on the balcony. Not a surprise that the asshole did not know it was there, when he never left his room. Still, the girl felt a little curious when she thought of what he might do all day by himself- especially with no understanding of technology. Was he not bored? There was no convincing answer that she could think of and Y/N wondered if she would find out as she strutted with the big cloak in her hands towards Felix's room. She  knocked at the door and immediately regretted it after the previous events. Nevertheless she tried to be brave and push her fear aside, telling herself that the former second in command was not threatening at all.

She knocked again when nothing happened and suddenly some angry footsteps stomped into her direction-, firm and loud, before the tall boy ripped the door wide open, revealing his furious face.

"What the fuck do you want?" Felix growled, the veins of his neck throbbing and his hands pressed so tightly into fists that his knuckles turned white. 

"I-...eh." Y/N stammered nervously and tightened her grip onto the cloak. Her eyes widened as she thought, He would not hurt me, would he? "I have your-"

"Keep that!" Felix interrupted her, his words were like poison.

Felix slammed the door shut before  the girl could say another  word, leaving her in the dark hallway with an unsettling feeling inside her guts that something was wrong. But how could she even tell what? Felix never spoke to her that much and it was pretty obvious that he would not do more in the future. All Y/N knew was that the grumpy boy missed the island and that he missed Pan, even though the girl never understood his obedience to the green devil. Peter Pan was manipulative and evil and she was glad he never left Neverland alive. Felix couldn't give her the fault for his loss, she had never helped the heroes and even refused as the only one next to him to say a word. Well, Y/N opened up quicker and befriended the "heroes" after everything they did. It was a saint if she could speak freely about it. The cloak must mean a lot to Felix, or else he would never be this angry, even for a boy who had a tendency to violence-, he never hurt Y/N before. She really hoped he would take it back and overcome his rage. The idea that Felix might only looked for a reason to hate Henry more occured her a few minutes later, but it was an unspoken thought that seemed to be way too assumptious.

"I am sorry about Peter." She moved her forehead onto the wooden door, resting it there for a bit and after a while she watched a single tear drop down onto the ground. Peter was not completely evil, not to Y/N at least and deep inside he was a loss to her as well. There was a short time where Felix seemed to be nice too, back on Neverland just weeks before Peter got defeated. He had shown the girl a flower field and tickled her until some boy's would crossy their way and disturb that lovely moment. It was the first and only time he had ever been close in a comforting way. Since then, Y/N had always hoped to see the boy underneath this rusty shell, but it was all gone since the second he stepped off the boat.

The door stayed closed and she stared at Felix's cloak, wondering what to do with it. When Y/N returned to her own room and snuck underneath the covers, the cloak was still under her arm. It did not smell like Felix anymore. The ticking of the clock was the only sound filling the room, capturing the girl's eyes to check the time- six pm. It was late, almost time for Mary Margaret to come back from work and cook some dinner, and when it was time for Y/N to sleep, David would come home too and Emma would come tomorrow, to bring Henry over for the weekend. Y/N barely saw David. He was always busy with his work in the police station and would get home late in the night. He left Felix and her up to Mary and Emma, which was definitely a hard task thinking of the rebellious boy next to Y/N's room. The man could not stand the former lost boy, the girl had seen it in his eyes when Emma brought her onto the ship, back then,  from escaping Neverland. Felix's emotions seemed mutual and everyone around could sense it. That both of them were separated most of the time, was not so bad after all. Mary Margarett even tried to take it as an opportunity to get to know more about the former lost boy, but all her attempts failed. The boy kept shut, would not reveal his past and barely replied to any of the woman’s actions. It was tiring to watch, quite a show though. It seemed like a boring game of charade, in which Mary kept asking him countless questions and then tried to interpret his annoyed growls as he ate some cereal. Breakfast was a strict rule for him to join and dinner to avoid. 

Y/N rolled over and grabbed her phone, turning some music on to change her thoughts and kill the silence. Even though it was so early, she felt how her eyelids were getting heavy, how she slowly drifted off into sleep, using the cloak as a pillow. Throwing it away was not an option for her, there could always come a time where the former lost boy would demand it back. 

It felt like a whole night when the girl woke up from a strange feeling of someone pulling on something underneath her. Out of reflex, she tightened the grip on the cloak in her arms. The pulling got stronger and when she realised that this was not a dream, she slowly opened her tired eyes.

"I changed my mind." Felix scoffed. "I want it back."

With a mind still dizzy and drunk from sleep, Y/N's sight was still so blurry, that it was hard to catch up and she needed a moment to follow the lost boy's words. He obviously meant the cloak, but why did he make such a fuss about it when he did not want it in the first place? 

"Y/N?" He pronounced her name so carefully when he realised her eyes were closing again. She did not respond. 

The sound of Felix's knees hitting the floor startled the girl out of sleep, finding herself sitting bolt upright in bed, pressing the cloak with widened eyes tightly against her chest. He let out an amused chuckle, grinning from ear to ear. Being fully awake now, Y/N realised why the tall boy was here and she slowly reached her hand forward, handing the boy his cloak over. What the hell did he do in the middle of the night inside her room? Why could this not wait? Her eyes wandered to her phone on the small nightstand-, it was eight pm and winter. It caused the girl to genuinely laugh to herself.

"Sorry for washing it." She whispered meek, avoiding Felix's gaze and dropped her head back onto the pillow before turning  away from him to close her eyes. 

"It's all right." With that Felix quickly made his way back to his own room, the door closing so quick as if he had run.

The next day he kept quiet, did not say a word at breakfast, not even a snarky comment towards Henry who was constantly talking about one of his favourite movies and its heroes. The word 'hero' usually was enough to make the former lost boy explode. Not this time. His steel like eyes were glued onto his bowl as he ate in silence. Later he would sit in the living room, watching some TV that Henry forgot to turn off and would not even complain when Y/N joined and switched the channel. For a moment she felt his eyes burning on her skin. When she met his gaze, the former lost boy rose to his feet and walked away, slamming his door to confirm he was in his room now. Felix was strange and not the friendliest boy for sure. Still, Y/N had the feeling that there was more behind his behaviour that he would let her on and that he exaggerated an act. Mary would give her some tasks over the time like getting the groceries, which she would really appreciate doing, since it was a great way to get out. Y/N and Felix were no prisoners of course and the cold of the thick snow creeping in from the outside would keep her under her covers anyway. There never has been snow on Neverland. It was entirely strange and yet so familiar, waking a nostalgic feeling inside the girl. When Y/N found her way to the grocery store, there was no one to harm her and she had all the time she needed to wander through the different Isles and shove anything she liked into the shopping cart. There were no lost boys with spears and torches, that would hunt the girl down until her feet would bleed. No Pan that played his dangerous, manipulative games, that only entertained him in a twisted, sadistic way,  satisfying him, that it could already be a kink. 

It was freedom. 

The good snacks from the store disappeared immediately inside the drawer, keeping it safe from Henry or Felix. Both had the tendency to steal Y/N's food. She would often cook for herself, learning new skills since there was nothing else to do anyways. As soon as Mary returned, the girl hoped she would bring some more groceries, but she got disappointed. The snow held her off too long, the mood to go into the supermarket was simply gone and Y/N could understand that.

"You can go with Henry." She smiled and grabbed herself something to drink from the fridge. 

"When will he be here?" Y/N asked, raising an eyebrow as she waited for an answer. The short haired woman slowly turned around, her face seemed to be frozen in an unbelieving, perplexed and slightly fearing frown.

"Isn't he here alr-" She stopped and both of their heads shot into the same direction when a key was put inside the front lock, turning and unlocking the door. The girl expected the young boy to get home, instead, Emma stormed into the apartment, shortly followed by David and the girl already saw on their faces that something was wrong. Mary let go of what she was doing and closed the distance between them with quite some concern on her face.

"They took Henry!" Emma bursted out, her eyes searching the room as if her son could just hide somewhere and would just magically appear any moment. She looked full of hope. David gently rubbed her back and told Mary to get her things. They always seemed to find trouble and now Y/N finally understood what Felix meant, when he once claimed that their hero being was only a facade and they were the true danger. Were they? Henry was gone and that was because he was so important to these women.

"Who took him?" Y/N asked worriedly.

"Stay out of this, you are not a part of this." Emma ignored the question and  gently shoved the former lost girl out of her way to get her keys. She ripped the door wide open and jumped down the hallway without bothering to close it, expecting the others to follow quickly. 

"We will get Henry back." Mary turned to Y/N, trying to comfort her by holding her hands. "You don't have to worry."

It was not the young boy she worried about and the short haired woman knew that. With a quick glance back to Felix's closed door, Y/N gulped and immediately shook her head.

"I can come with you!" She protested at the thought of being all alone with the former second in command.

"No," Mary said and sighted. "I need you here."

Her gaze wandered off to Felix's door again and her look grew frustrated. Y/N followed with her eyes and nodded before facing the short haired woman again. She turned to the counter and grabbed her purse to pull out her wallet.  Then she collected all the money she had and put it in a sugar box inside the shelf. 

"I trust you enough." Her words meant a lot. "Besides, once in a while Regina will check up on you two."

With that, Mary Margaret turned around and gave David a final nod, before both of them left the apartment to join their daughter in the car. As soon as Y/N closed the door behind them, everything went into an uncomfortable silence. There was no single sound instead of the unbearable striking of the clock hanging on the kitchen wall. 

"Great." Y/N moaned quietly. At least they could have told her who took Henry and for what possible reason. The adults would always seem to know better and in this case they decided it would be better to keep Felix and her out of this. Did they really want to leave her out of it, or was Y/N just not to be trusted? Felix would easily try to convince her about that. The former lost boy probably would not  care  at all. It was smart of Mary Margaret to hide some money for Y/N. The fridge was almost empty and she wondered how long they would be away and when she would need food. There was nothing good inside it, nothing appealing, so  Y/N closed the door and strutted back to her room. Dropping into the sheets, she grabbed the remote next to her pillow and turned on the TV. Henry had shown her how to use it real quick as he often joined the girl to play video games. All those years living here and using all these things caused him to always be smarter and it was the first thing Y/N noticed that Felix disliked about him. At the end, there were countless things the scarred up boy hated, but Henry was always the center of his anger. 

With the time passing by, the rumbling in the girl's stomach got louder until her tummy literally screamed for something to eat. Back in the kitchen, there was still nothing  appealing and with a quick glance to Felix's wooden door, she wondered if the former lost boy would like to eat something too. Each step further towards his room felt more heavy and Y/N's stomach turned inside out. The moment her knuckles knocked against the cool wood, she questioned why she even tried to be nice and get along with him. The floor was cold, maybe she should have put on some socks or turned on the heater. There was no sound on the other side of the wood and Y/N started to wonder if Felix was even home, when suddenly some heavy footsteps slowly strutted closer. Felix swayed the door wide open and rubbed his tired eyes, then rested his heavy head on the doorframe. He only wore some grey sweatpants, revealing his scars on his pale chest. The air around the girl thickened and her body heated up at the sight of his messy, sweaty morning hair. 

"Sorry." She mumbled and avoided looking at him. His presence alone caused shivers to run down her spine. "Did I wake you?"

"M-hm." Felix grumbled tiredly, fighting to keep his eyes open. Y/N's eyes wandered back to the open kitchen and its clock. It was four o'clock.

"Are you hungry?"

The tall boy remained silent for a moment, his dull eyes staring at the girl as if he did not understand the question, turned to look at his bed, then slightly nodded with his head as if it was the hardest thing to do.

"I could eat." He spoke with a deep, raspy voice, laying his focus back onto Y/N. Fuck, he sounded so hot, it caught her off guard and left her unable to speak for a glimpse moment. 

"I am ordering food." She said after a small moment. "What would you like?"

Felix pressed his brows together, then lifted one in confusion. "How does that work?" He asked and Y/N chuckled in amusement, feeling how her stiffened limbs relaxed. 

"You choose a restaurant and then decide what you want to eat." She explained and showed the blonde boy her phone. "They deliver it and you pay."' 

"Ah."

Y/N were not sure if Felix was not understanding it, or simply did not like it. He brought his hands up to his arms and rubbed the scarred skin, feeling how cold it was and finally bothered to put on a T-shirt. If Y/N were honest with herself, she liked Felix's exposed back. Muscles danced under tender flesh, as arms stretched upon the ceiling, forward and crooked together, pulling the cotton over his chest. Back on Neverland, Felix always seemed to be violent and rough, harsh to others and never in a good mood. There has not changed much, yet the dangerous, threatening touch was missing since he came to Storybrooke with Y/N. He was bent to new rules now. 

"Pizza." Felix said and stepped closer, closing the distance and bent down to take a glimpse of the menu. "Do they have some?"

Y/N's skin started to prickle when she felt his breath against her cheek and immediately froze in place. Why was he so close? 

"You know Pizza?" She asked unsure, still a little curious. Felix smirked and let out a husky chuckle. "Sure I do."

He walked past her into the kitchen, grabbed a glass of water, gulped it down, filled another one, gulped it down, but when he repeated that for a third time, the second in command could not finish it and disposed of the remains in the sink.  He turned around to check the time and widened his eyes as he realised how late it already was.

"The days are dark during winter." The boy mentioned with a side-along gaze, as if he knew that she might have criticised him for sleeping that long. Y/N did not know how to respond, but was confident enough to join the tall boy in the kitchen, pulling the chair back and taking a seat at the table. Both of them did not say a word and with each second passing in silence, she regretted sitting there with him even more. 

"Why did you run from me earlier?" The question caught her off guard, she needed a moment to think for the right answer. The girl tilted her head in Felix's direction, his eyebrows were lifted up in a questioning look and he leaned at the counter, waiting for the girl to open her mouth and speak.  He was just curious, not too gruff nor angry. 

"You scare me sometimes." Y/N admitted. "It's like being back in Neverland."

The former lost boy nodded disappointed and shifted his gaze out of the window to hide half of his features as if she would ever be able to read them.

"You really did not like the Island." The boy stated, receiving a light nod as an answer. "Was it so bad?"

"There were no toilets."

Felix could not help but chuckle, a warm genuine smile spread over his face and he nodded his head in agreement when he faced her again. 

"Toilets sure are great." He laughed. "Or warm running water."

Felix pushed himself away from the counter and slendered over to the girl, taking a seat on the chair in front of her. "It took me three days to find out how that works, by the way." He added after a small pause. Y/N could only shake her head in response and give him a brief smile. "Must have been cold."

The tall boy agreed in silence and crossed his arms in front of his chest, waiting for the food to arrive. He would disappear for a while to go to the bathroom, giving her some space to clear her mind. All she could think about was how beautiful the former second in command looked when he smiled, making her nervous the longer he stayed with her. For a moment, it seemed like he was another person when she was all alone with him. 

"Where are the others?" Felix asked when he returned from the bathroom, pulling the chair around to straddle it. 

"Someone took Henry." Y/N admitted low, not even wanting him to know that, well aware that he would only mock this situation, probably having expected such a thing sooner or later. 

"Hm.’' Felix let out an amused chuckle and gave her a winning smirk, one that said,"Told you so!"

"We're on our own for a while." The girl said, checking her phone for a message from the delivery guy. Not long. Almost here. How the time had passed by.

"I am  fucking happy they are gone." Felix snorted and rolled his eyes."They were such a pain in the ass."

At least they gave him a home and clothes, food and no worries about his current life. That was something and even though Y/N knew how beautiful the Island could be, the former lost boy had not been safe there. None of them were. How could he still be so blinded after all? Y/N wanted to respond but decided to keep her mouth shut. Right at that moment the doorbell rang. Shifting from her seat, Y/N strutted over to the door and opened it, waiting a few moments for the delivery guy to get up the stairs and hand her the Pizza. She pulled a twenty dollar bill out of her pocket and handed it over to the man before closing the door. The boxes felt hot on her cool hands and the smell of fat, cheese and pepperoni filled the room, making the girl realise how hungry she actually was. Felix's stomach started to rumble when she started to cut her Pizza, so she assumed he did not have any breakfast either. For a moment the girl really enjoyed the boy's company and hoped he would stay longer, but she was also sure that he would take his food and vanish as quickly as he used to do. Yet, Felix never ceased to amaze her. He waited in silence until she was done cutting, then he took the knife and in that moment her fingers touched his, she felt  a quick, electric sensation followed by butterflies rumbling in her stomach. Taking the Pizza, she quickly strutted into the direction of your room to hide her sudden joy, just to be stopped by Felix calling her name.

"Where are you going?"

"Into my room?" Y/N gave confused back ,wondering why he would want her to accompany him all of the sudden.

"Oh- I thought…" Felix sounded disappointed.

"Oh…" Her eyes widened and maybe she sounded a bit too harsh. "I thought you wouldn't want-"

"Nevermind." Felix barked harshly and swiftly vanished behind his own door, not even giving the girl a chance to say another word. Damn, this boy was so sensitive, his mood was constantly switching and Y/N wished to find out why he was always  so pessimistic about everything. Not now, she thought, not now. First she would eat, then she would take care of that matter. 

The boy let out an annoyed sight when he opened his door after Y/N knocked not long after she finished eating. Felix was eating the last slice of his pizza and held the empty box in his other hand.

"Why are you always coming to me?" He snarled.

"I just care about you! For god’s sake! You act so fucking mean since we came here and I wonder why." She raised her voice and knitted her eyebrows together in a serious manner

"Please don't do this." Felix moaned theoretically. "Please don't act as if you cared!"

Felix swiftly turned around and threw the empty box of Pizza aside. His fast movements caused her to flinch a little, but still she managed to remain calm.

"You don't care!" He snarled. "Nobody cares. Just leave me alone."

The tall boy did not need to turn around and give her a final glare, he made it clear that she was not wanted and no matter how much he needed her help, she respected his wishes. Y/N had really no thought to waste about him when she went straight into the bathroom to take a bath that might cool her nerves. That fucking audacity and this childish behaviour, as if Felix really meant what he was saying. They both knew he was not serious and that he was simply lying to himself about his emotions. There was no place for love in his heart after being manipulated by Pan for so long, nor  for friendship. Y/N did not care what the former second in command told himself about their friendship, it all has been a lie and a game for Pan, something to entertain him. It was worthless. His loss meant nothing, still Y/N cared how Felix felt about the betrayal of every former boy.

While she stripped off her clothes, the girl waited for the bathtub to be filled with hot water and bubbles, a metaphorical way to clean her thoughts when diving in. She should rather think about helping someone out and earn some money, so she could afford buying her own things. She splashed the water with her fingers and slowly sank deeper into the bathtub to enjoy the silence. The hot steam filled the room and when her thoughts drove off to something pleasantly, she almost forgot the time. Back in Neverland there was nothing to worry about time, the days were almost all the same and no one was there to rush someone. Things have barely changed in Storybrooke, since there was nothing to do for Y/N and the lanky lost boy, so they needed to find something to kill the time. 

It had been an eternity since the girl had taken a proper bath and maybe it was time to get out, but the hot water remained too tempting for her to step out. With a deep breath she closed her eyes and leaned back, as suddenly a door slammed shut, immediately telling her that Felix was leaving his room again. His slow footsteps definitely made their way towards the bathroom and Y/N realised that she did not lock the door. She did not really forget to lock the door, right? The girl could not recall it and to get out of the water, to check was too late, as she watched agonised how the door handle went down and the door swung wide open, causing her heart to skip a beat. The tall lost boy did not seem to notice her at first, but as soon as he entered the steamy room, Felix froze in place. His eyes widened and his face turned blank. For a long moment, they both stared at each other and Y/N felt relieved that she was at least covered by a thick foam of bubbles. 

"Fuck, sorry...I-" Felix stuttered through half open lips, as if the little sight of a girl's skin was enough to steal his voice. It gave Y/N her confidence back.

"I didn't mean to-" the boy still couldn't open his mouth while his gaze burned holes through her. It took him a moment, but suddenly Felix shook his head to ban whatever he was thinking about and shifted his eyes away, then turned on his heels to swiftly leave the bathroom. 

At least he could have closed the door, Y/N thought as she sunk deeper into the water in embarrassment. Fuck, how in the hell could she forget to close the door? At least he did not see anything, or did he? The whole situation left her frozen in place, unable to think clearly. Y/N did not even dare to step out of the water to close the door, so she just sat there, trying her best to calm down. After a while, the skin of her fingertips were already wrinkled up, leaving a rough touch on her softened skin and she finally thought about getting out of the bathtub. A long time  had passed, since Felix stepped into the bath and now the water was starting to get cold. The girl's eyes searched the room for a towel until she realised that she had washed them and now they hung in the living room. Fuck this shit.

"Felix!" She called him as loud as she could, but there was no answer. The boy did not respond until she called him again.

"What do you want?" His voice echoed through the hallway. She sounded unsure and intrigued. 

"I have a problem."

"Well now you have two." Felix yelled back.

Y/N frowned in confusion and lifted her head.

"How's that?"

"I ain't interested in your first problem."

She let out an annoyed sight and rolled with her eyes and brought her fingers to her forehead, running over her skin in a steady, relaxing movement. Why was he like that? Was it really necessary to always find a way for drama? 

"I don’t have a towel." She whined, hoping for him to bring her one. The grumpy boy did not respond again, an unbearable silence filling the apartment. Felix was there, the girl knew that he was. He had not shut his door yet, so he must be in the living room or kitchen where he would perfectly understand you.

"Felix…" She called him, already giving up that he would come and breaking her mind by finding a way to get past him. "Please."

A few seconds later she heard his footsteps come back again, the wood creaking under his weight and announcing the boy’s arrival. He did not even enter the room, instead Felix threw the towel through the open crack.

"I need to take a piss, so please hurry up!" He said rather cowardly before the footsteps led him away, then shutting the door shut. Y/N did not hesitate and got out of the water as quickly as she could, barely drying her skin before she sprinted into her own room before the former lost boy would cross her way again. 

Why did such things always happen to her? Could it not have been someone else to walk in like Emma or Mary? Of course not, destiny always found a way to punish the girl,- first Pan, now Felix. Nevertheless, the cold boy stayed inside her mind all the time. She dressed herself and got ready to snuck under the blankets. For a while she allowed herself to dream of him cuddling against her back, how his big body would feel like pressed against hers, or maybe even… on top  of her?

NO.

Fuck no, she was not having dirty daydreams of mister cold facade. There was nothing special about Felix, right? Eventually that long scar that ran over his jagged jawline and those blue, stabbing eyes fascinated her. Those  piercing eyes, that were sharp as daggers and intimidating as the gaze of a shark. There was definitely something mysterious about the former second in command, still, Y/N had told herself that she was done with adventures and risky decisions- Felix was definitely one of those,- that she could tell. He was hot, but also the biggest asshole she ever met. The former lost boy kept wandering through the apartment and distracting the girl's dreaming thoughts with each passing second. He would not leave her mind until she fell asleep.

(Next Chapter ->)

[ilovemesomekillianjones]

Navigating the Storm (1/4)

Summary: Emma Swan navigates the aftermath of Neverland by trying to deal with everything the way she always has, by locking all her feelings away. Between having to share Henry with two other people now, her parents confession in the Echo Caves, her parents pushing her towards a man she has no interest in, and feelings for another man that she never expected to feel, Emma is at the end of her rope. *Post Neverland - No Curse*

Author’s Note:  Thank you to my friend @hollyethecurious for beta reading this story for me! I have had this written for about three months now and have finally put on the finishing touches. This is part 1 of 4 - I will post a chapter a week. Hope you guys enjoy!

Rated M          4.5K          ao3           ffnet          Under the cut, promise

It had been exactly two weeks since they’d stepped foot back in Storybrooke, since bringing Henry home safely from Neverland. Two weeks in which Emma Swan had had very few chances to just be, to just breathe. Each breath felt like it was choked by the need to scream or cry. Two weeks of restless nights and emotionally fraught days; parents urging her toward a man she did not want, her mom wanting a new baby, another mom wanting her baby, not that she held anything against Regina. Henry was as much Regina’s as he was hers, she knew that, but that didn’t mean it didn’t weigh heavily on her soul. And of course there was Neal, who had been an ever-present thorn in her side during the last two weeks. 

Emma wanted to blame everything on Neal, it would be so easy, but she couldn’t do that, there was rarely only one person to blame. She had to take some responsibility, too. He’d been bugging her about giving their relationship another shot, about putting aside the past to make a better future for Henry. Each time, Neal’s words would hit the solid mass of her thick skull and bounce right off, while simultaneously invoking a silent wrath in her being. What the everloving fuck was he thinking? How could the two of them being together be good for anyone? It didn’t help that her parents both still thought Neal was a saint. It didn’t help that each time they unwittingly made little comments about her giving him a chance, it felt like a little more of the world weighed on her shoulders. 

Each morning she dragged her feet getting out of bed, if only to delay dealing with the barrage of shit she didn’t want to hear about or deal with. Of course, if she was honest with herself, she’d admit the reason she was feeling like this was because she was effectively not dealing with any of it. But why choose now to be honest with herself, she’d been content to ignore every other issue she’d dodged in life, abandonment, intimacy, self-worth, why stop now?

Emma hadn’t felt emotional sadness like this since the days between finding out she was pregnant in prison and knowing she would have to give her baby up. Her body felt heavy, her mind felt clouded, and her soul was just… sad, there wasn’t a better word for it. She hated this feeling, and when the sadness became too overwhelming, anger often surged in, and no one needed an angry Emma Swan around. She loved her family and her family-by-extension, but she needed a break. 

As she walked toward Granny’s at a molasses slow pace, hands shoved in her jacket pockets, head down, where she was meeting her parents, Neal, Henry, and Regina for a late dinner, her eyes filled with tears. She struggled to inhale air past the lump forming in her throat. A deep anger rose within her, mostly because she was pissed at herself for wanting to cry. She didn’t know how to make everyone understand what she was feeling and why she was feeling it. No one had ever taught her the healing power of communication, while growing up in foster care. As the anger finally defeated the desire to cry, Emma Swan did what all responsible folks do and locked that shit up, deep inside where no one would see it. 

“I saved you a seat, Ems,” Neal offered as she entered the diner.

 “Yeah, look mom, right between me and dad,” Henry piped in.

Emma glanced at the six of them, one seat between Neal and Henry, no doubt by design and one seat at the other end of the table by her dad. “Uh, I have to discuss a case with David,” she lied. And boy did that make her feel like Shittiest Mom of the Year. “I’ll come back in a few.” 

Taking off her jacket, she sat next to her dad and began speaking with him about the new project they were working on to make Storybrooke Sheriff’s Department digital. There was truly nothing she needed to discuss with him right this instant, but she could not handle another manipulation by Neal, especially in front of Henry, about getting back together. 

“Why don’t you go sit with Henry and Neal,” David whispered, “we can discuss this tomorrow at work.”

Sucking in a deep breath to tamp down the edge of anger that started to creep up on her, Emma realized there was a silver lining here. At least he had whispered.

“I’m perfectly fine where I’m at,” she quietly replied, affecting a sense of calm she didn’t really feel.

“Oh, honey,” her mother began in what was not a whisper, “go sit down there, let me get a picture of the three of you.”

And just like that, there was another brick piled on her shoulders. She understood that her parents really did want what was best for her. Why couldn’t they just magically understand that Neal wasn’t it? She could hear Neal trying to coax her over and her head started to spin. She really did need that break.

As she choked on the sob that wanted to escape, the bell above the entrance rang, and if she’d never experienced what being saved by the bell meant, she was right now. “Hook,” she murmured, just a little more breathlessly than strictly necessary. 

“What?” Snow asked. 

“Hook’s here,” Emma said. “Why don’t you join us for dinner, Hook?” Emma called over to him. He was just the buffer she needed tonight. She didn’t miss the intrigue in his eyes, which he quickly masked with a conciliatory smile that didn’t quite reach those pretty blue eyes.

“While I appreciate the offer, I don’t wish to intrude,” he answered graciously.

“You’re not intruding, we were just sitting down to eat a meal. Everyone has to eat.”

“Well, if all of their Royal Highnesses don’t mind,” he acquiesced.

“Everyone scoot one seat to their right,” Emma instructed, she didn’t expect him to sit next to Neal, not with the current state of affairs. 

Snow stared at her daughter wide eyed and Emma just stared back through narrowed eyes, hoping that her expression conveyed, he did save your husband’s life.

“Ems, I thought you were going to sit with me and Henry,” Neal asked, failing to mask the irritation in his voice.

And I thought I was meeting you with the bag of watches, not the cops, Emma thought bitterly. If Neal was going to use Henry against her, he was going to be sorry. She wasn’t going to stoop to the level of using a child to get what she wanted, but she was also not going to be bulldozed by her ex.

“That’s okay, dad,” Henry intervened. “Mom can sit with her friend. How���s the fastest ship in all the realms, Captain?”

Emma beamed at her son’s cherubic nature. He was truly good. He was innocent and perfect, and she felt like she might cry again as her young son saved her again.

“She’s jolly good, m’boy,” Hook answered merrily, obviously tickled that Henry had asked about his pride and joy. Or maybe it was simply because this boy treated him with common courtesy. Hook had vowed to himself to turn over a new leaf when he’d turned his ship around to help Emma save her son, and although he knew that, most people still treated him like the pirate they’d known him to be. 

“You okay, Swan?” Hook asked her quietly, as conversation started up around the table.

“I- yeah,” she said, slapping on a smile, and even though it was an effort to smile, she found that she wanted to smile for Hook. She also found that he knew she was lying. 

“If you ever want to talk about it, I’ve a never ending supply of rum aboard the Jolly.” 

“I might just take you up on that,” she laughed. And it felt really good to laugh. 

“I thought you said you’d back off,” Neal seethed as he walked over to their end of the table.

Emma looked between the two men before quietly sounding a warning. “We do not need another pissing contest here,” she hissed.

“Contest,” Neal fumed. “There is no contest, I’m Henry’s father, he’s a home-wrecking pirate.”

Emma’s head began to swim again as she listened to Neal berate Hook, as she read between the lines of what he’d said. He felt like he deserved her because they bore a child together. 

“Is everything okay?” David asked.

Emma closed her eyes and weakly shook her head no. She would lose it if her parents got involved.

“Here Neal, why don’t you take my seat,” Snow offered.

Emma shook her head no again, but apparently no one was looking at her. 

“Haven’t you destroyed enough lives?” Neal asked.

Emma’s eyes shot open and she’d hit just about her limit. Her throat felt like it was almost swollen shut as that urge to scream or cry or both, came raging back. 

“Haven’t you done enough damage, Hook?”

“Bae-” Hook started

“Stop calling me that!” 

“Neal,” Hook corrected, “it is not my intent to come between you and Emma. I was merely accepting the invitation she offered. I did say I would back off, I didn’t say I would ignore Emma if she requested my company.”

“Back off from what?” Emma asked, feeling a little annoyed that they’d been discussing her like a - she didn’t know what.

“Swan, I merely told Ba- Neal that I would not interfere if you two decided to pursue a chance at a family with Henry.”

“I think that is very noble, Hook,” Snow inserted. 

“Not now, mom.”

“Well Emma, it’s only fair that you two have a real shot, now that you’ve been reunited,” Snow argued, “and I was just saying that I think it’s noble of Hook to put his feelings for you aside to give you and Neal that chance.”

That was it, that was her limit. Chances? Reunited? FAIR? The lights flickered twice before pitching Granny’s in darkness. Emma stood up and placed both her palms flat down on the table.

“Regina,” Emma said in a ragged voice, barely containing her emotions, which she desperately wanted to contain with Henry present. “Take him home, please.”

“Come on, Henry. I have lasagna at home,” Regina said, without having to be asked again. She could feel the energy of the situation sizzling about, and she knew only too well the magical properties of raw emotion. Of course Henry instinctively knew to listen as well. “Granny’s is closed,” Regina announced, “Mayor’s orders.”  

The several patrons around had the good sense to slap some money on the counter and head out. 

“I love you, mom. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Henry said as he and Regina readied to leave. He came to her end of the table and gave her a hug.

“I love you too, kid,” Emma responded as she ruffled Henry’s hair, and the lights flickered back to life. 

Once Henry and Regina were gone, Emma eyed her parents. She tried breathing in and out slowly. She didn’t want to fight, she didn’t want to hurt them, she didn’t want to cry. But something had to give. 

“Mom, Dad,” she whispered, as she knew her voice would crack if she attempted to speak in a normal voice. “I’ve been having a really-” a broken sob overtook Emma, halting her words. Her face crumbled, tears filling her eyes and falling to her cheeks, as the full weight of what she’d been dealing with overwhelmed her.

“Oh honey,” Snow cried as she stood up to try and comfort her daughter.

Emma held up a hand and shook her head no at her mother. “Please… don’t. I have to do this.”

Snow’s face fell as her daughter rejected her, but she sat back down to comply with her daughter’s wishes.  

“Go on, Emma,” her father said quietly.

Nodding her head, she took another big breath. “I’ve been having a really hard time since we came back from Neverland. I’m happy that you want a new baby, I am, but it also hurt to hear that you wanted to have a chance to experience everything we never got to, and I know that’s not your fault, but it still hurts. And I am happy that Henry has Regina, because no matter what, she really does love him. But it hurts to have to share him with her when we have a third person to share him with now, it’s less time, when I’ve already missed so much.”

“It wouldn’t be if you spent time with me and Henry,” Neal muttered.

“Goddammit, Neal!” Emma yelled, pounding her fists on the table. “You have got to stop that. I’m struggling with my parents wanting a new baby and I am struggling with sharing Henry with you. But my biggest problem, the one that eats away at me every day, is you! I can’t stand the way you try to manipulate me in front of my son, making it seem like I’m the only reason we can’t be a family. You showed up to Storybrooke with a fiancée, don’t act like you came back here to win me over or some other noble bullshit. And I can’t stand that my parents think you should be my happy ending.” Another sob choked her words and she paused to catch her breath. “You will never be my happy ending,” she yelled before leaving the diner. 

Emma jogged down the walkway, unsure of where to go, but knowing she couldn’t remain in there one second longer. She didn’t want to see the looks she’d put on her parents’ faces anymore and she didn’t want to deal with Neal. After an hour of wandering, she found herself down by the icy cold shoreline. She sat down in the freezing sand and folded her arms around her legs. Resting her chin on her knees, she lamented the fool she’d made of herself and the mess she’d made of things. 

“Awfully cold for camping at the beach,” Hook said.

Emma jumped so hard, it hurt her butt when she landed back in the unforgiving sand. “Jesus Christ, you scared me. Are you following me?”

“Sorry, love,” Hook apologized, holding hand and hook in the air as he always did when she went on the offensive. “I didn’t mean to alarm you. And no, I am not following you. I was up on the deck of my ship and saw your golden hair in the moonlight; wanted to make sure you don’t catch your death out here.” He handed her a blanket. 

“Thank you,” she said through chattering teeth, only now realizing just how cold it was. “You probably need to invest in some warmer clothes if you’re planning to stay in Storybrooke for the winter.”

“Is that an invitation, Swan?”

She just rolled her eyes as she held her hand out to him to help her up. 

“Don’t worry your heart, I am plenty hot,” he flirted, extending his hand and pulling her up.

“You are plenty full of yourself is what you are,” she laughed. “I don’t know why I ended up here. I just… I cannot go home. I should probably see if Granny has a room available. Paying her some rent is the least I could do after clearing out her customers.”

Hook scratched behind his ear, his nervous habit that always made Emma chuckle inside, because how did The Captain Hook have a nervous tic? 

“You could stay on the Jolly, if you like. You know, instead of walking back to Granny’s.” 

“Is that an invitation, Hook?” Emma countered.

“Actually, it is,” he said as he bowed deeply, holding his right hand out in the direction of his ship.  

She decided it was probably her best option for the night. She didn’t want to see her parents at the loft, she definitely didn’t want to risk running into Neal at Granny’s, and she was far too proud to ask Regina for a crash pad. So, she followed the direction of Hook’s extended hand and headed to the Jolly. 

“Thank you,” she mumbled as they headed down into the Captain’s Quarters. It was only slightly warmer below deck, and she wondered how cold he got at night. 

“Perhaps a little gratitude is in order,” he smirked, pointing his finger to his lips as he had done several weeks ago.

Emma didn’t even have to think about it this time. She launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around his neck and backing him up against the wall. She kissed him just as passionately as she had back on that Hell Island, but this time, she had no intent of limiting their activities to just a kiss.

“Swan,” he moaned against her mouth.

“Hmmm?” she hummed as she continued to learn his mouth and his tongue which had come out to play. 

She loved the way his hook felt pressed at her back and the way his hand cupped her cheek before sliding into her hair. She took the opportunity to quickly run her hands up through his chest hair before shifting them up under his jacket to divest him of it. 

“Swan, stop,” he whispered between kisses. “Stop, darling.”

Emma immediately pulled back. Like, what? “What’s the problem,” she asked defensively.

“I apologize lass, it was a poorly timed Neverland reference.”

“A… joke?” Emma’s head began spinning again. One million thoughts ran through her head as her brows furrowed and panic hit her eyes. Her mouth turned down as a strangle hold settled over her... rejection. She’d had one melt down and now she was damaged goods in his eyes. A one time thing, she’d said, and he was the one who was going to enforce it. “I have to go,” she muttered, mind already on auto pilot to the lovely land of orphans-aren’t-worthy-of-love. 

Killian quickly blocked her path to the door. Bad move. 

“Get. Out. Of. My. Way,” she seethed. “You don- don’t want me...”  Oh fuck, she panicked, the tears were going to start again. When would this roller coaster come crashing to a halt? Emma Swan, Dumpster Fire, she mused, it had a truer ring than Emma Swan, Savior. 

“Don’t you tell me what I want or do not want,” Hook reprimanded. “I want you, I have wanted you, far more and far longer than you know.” He stepped into her space and lifted her chin with his hook, until she had no choice but to look into his eyes. “Make no mistake about that, love.” A fire burned between them, something palpable, and only by sheer force of will, was Hook denying himself the pleasure she’d been looking to bring him mere moments before. 

Truth. Truth is what she saw in Hook’s eyes. “Then why are you pushing me away,” she asked, lips still quivering with the threat of tears.

“Because I won’t exploit your emotions, that would be the pinnacle of bad form.”

“What?” 

Hook took her hand and led her to sit on his bed. “Emma, you just confessed major hurt and heartache to your parents. You obviously have unresolved issues with Bae, and you’re harboring a sadness that is ruling your emotions. Despite Neverland and everything that happened there, I have never seen you this close to the brink of despair.” 

A tear slipped down as Hook brought his hand up to cup her cheek. “Look at me, Emma.” 

She sniffled, but complied, as she realized he was not going to continue until she looked at him. 

“You are strong, and you will get through this, but a quick romp in the sack is not part of the solution. I cannot in good conscience let you lead us down a path that you will undoubtedly regret. It’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to me.”

“If I don’t get to tell you what you do or don’t want, then you shouldn’t get to tell me what I will or won’t regret,” she huffed.

Hook smiled at the fire that lit his Swan, and continued on, “I did promise Bae that I would back off, I thought it was best for Henry, if it was what you wanted as well.”

“I don’t want that,” Emma interrupted. 

“I know you don’t want that. Tonight made that clear,” he assured her. “But tonight also showed that you have some things to work out. I am here for you, Emma, and no matter what our future holds, I will stand by your side and help you traverse all of it. But where matters of our hearts are concerned, I cannot be your port in this storm if you only plan to pack up and set sail when the tide calms and the tempest parts.”

Tears surged forth once more as she lunged at Hook again, but this time just to throw herself into his embrace. She didn’t even know why she was crying, but she knew that this, him, everything he’d just said, this was what she needed. Someone to stand by her side, someone to accept her for her, someone who knew that she had shitty baggage but was okay with it and wanted to help her lighten her load. “I just want to forget, I want five minutes where I don’t feel like everything is closing around me like a vice.” 

“That’s it lass, everything is going to be okay, I promise,” he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her protectively. “Let it out, crying can be quite cathartic when you let it.” 

Emma cried a little harder as she listened to his soothing voice. She sat up many moments later when she’d cried herself out. Wiping away her tears, she looked at the man next to her. “How did you get so wise,” she asked in a nasally, I’ve-been-crying voice.

“How’s that?”

“About crying being cathartic.”

“Ah,” Hook chuckled as he blushed a bit. “You pick up some things as the centuries pass. I may have learned that sometimes letting out pent up emotion is better than harbouring it until it blows up.” 

“Thank you, Killian,” she whispered, before leaning in and tenderly placing a chaste kiss to his lips.

“You called me Killian.”

The bit of awe in his eyes made Emma giggle. “That is your name, isn’t it?”

“Aye, but you know what I mean, love,” he chuckled with her.

She laughed again until she was caught in a yawn that wracked her whole body. 

“Let me get you something to sleep in.” Hook went to an antique armoire and pulled out one of his shirts and a pair of long johns. “These should keep you warm.” After handing them to her, he placed a kiss on her cheek. “I’ll let you get some rest, no doubt your day has been taxing.” Then he turned to leave. 

Before he could make it to the door, Emma reached out to grab his hook. He turned around to see what she needed.

“Will you stay with me?”

His eyes pleaded with her not to tempt him into breaking his word. His good form. 

“I promise I won’t jump your bones, sailor.” She rolled her eyes playfully, but then she glanced away and folded her arms around herself, a vulnerability encasing her whole form before she spoke again. “I just want you to hold me,” she whispered. 

His chest ached for her, for this tender side of Emma Swan that he’d never been privy to. Why would he ever deny her something as simple as holding her? “Of course, love.” After changing into something passable for sleep attire, he joined Emma in his bed. 

“I know this is going to sound sappy, but today, at Granny’s, when you showed up, I was on the brink of losing my mind,” Emma confessed as she lay snuggled against his side, his right arm wrapped around her, making her feel safe. “But when I saw you, I felt like… like I might be able to get through it, like everything would be okay, if only you were with me. That’s why I asked you to stay.”

“And did it help, having me there?”

“All I know is, even though I didn’t say everything I need to get off my chest, I did get through part of it, and I am glad you were there.” 

“Happy to oblige, darling.” Hook craned his neck forward to place a kiss to the crown of her head. 

Pulling the blankets up to her neck, Emma shivered. “Give me your other arm, you’re warmer than these blankets.” 

“My hook,” he said, holding up the shiny version of his moniker. “I wouldn’t want to accidentally harm you.” 

“Then take it off,” Emma responded as though it were the most obvious answer in the world.

“I don’t think so, love.”

“Why not?” she asked, sitting up to look at him.

Hook took advantage of his freed arm and scrubbed his hand over his face. “It’s not a sight I wish you to see, it’s actually quite revolting.”

“I don’t believe for a second that any part of Killian Jones is revolting,” Emma said, gently pulling his left arm toward her. 

“Swan,” he groaned.

“Killian, you saw me at my most vulnerable today, and you didn’t run for the hills. I won’t either,” she promised softly. “I don’t think you understand that what I like about you is this,” she placed her hand over his heart, “the man you are.” 

Killian placed his hand over hers, where it rested on his chest and brought it to his brace. “Okay then, go ahead.” 

Carefully unfastening the buckles, Emma pulled the entire brace away from his arm. She held his forearm in one hand and ran the fingers of her other hand over the scarred flesh, inspecting the damage. Although Hook was right, it wasn’t a “pretty” sight, it wasn’t nearly as bad as he would have had her believe. “Does it still hurt?”

“Aye, sometimes.”

She delicately massaged in a downward motion, from his forearm to the end of his wrist, and watched his face. He wasn’t making eye contact with her, but rather, watching her ministrations. He looked half panic stricken, like he might bolt, and half enchanted by her touch. She followed the pattern several times until he’d fully relaxed to her touch. “See, was that so bad?”

Hook’s face was a deep shade of red and his entire body had broken out in goosebumps. He didn’t know how to answer her question. He had never willingly let another person see his mutilated arm, let alone touch it. On one hand, it was that bad, he felt laid bare before her and he was still dressed. On the other hand, or hook, as it were, he felt something akin to what she had explained earlier, like he would be okay, because she was there. “I suppose not,” he murmured, all the more enamored by this enchanting woman.

“Good.” Laying back down, she wrapped both his arms around her and snuggled into him. “Much better.” Emma slept better that night than she had since they’d come home from Neverland. 

Tagging some lovelies - please let me know if you’d like to be added or removed!

@laschatzi @qualitycoffeethings @hookedonapirate @wordsmith-storyweaver @kmomof4 @winterbaby89 @hollyethecurious @wyntereyez @hooklineandswan @teamhook @let-it-raines @whimsicallyenchantedrose @spartanguard  @tiganasummertree@apromisednightcap  @xemmaloveskillianx @elizabeethan @cocohook38 @optomisticgirl @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 @timeless-love-story @girl-in-a-tiny-box @thesschesthair @galadriel26 @ultraluckycatnd @lifeinahole27 @therooksshiningknight @kday426 @djlbg @superchocovian @itsfabianadocarmo @lfh1226-linda @delightfully-difficult-pirate @thejollyswan @csalltheway @xarandomdreamx @vvbooklady1256 @withheartfulloflove @resident-of-storybrooke @mcakers @gingerchangeling @searchingwardrobes @snowbellewells

[karlyfr13s]

Oathkeeper Chapter 2

It was supposed to be a CS one-shot, but then the CSMM crew got ahold of me and now we’re in multi-chapter mode. Thanks to the ladies for their inspiration, enabling, and cheering me on. Looking at you @teamhook, @caught-in-the-filter, @hollyethecurious, @gingerpolyglot (tell me if you want added, and coach the newbie in where these actually belong).

A HUGE thank you to @veryverynotgood who is the most radiant beta and gives me flails that keep me going through the self-doubt. 

Links in case you missed Chapter 1 or prefer to read on ao3

Note: the rating is now M due to violent imagery.

Killian’s first week in Storybrooke was unconventional and more than a little confusing. Everyone in the whole bloody town seemed related, or at least so interconnected there may as well be blood involved; it drew attention to him and he spent most days certain he was being watched.

Certainly there were fewer eyes on him than on the young Lost Boy, Felix, and for that Killian was grateful. He observed the woman everyone called Granny as she put the lad to work with a nearly endless list of chores, always under her watchful, scrutinizing eye. In want of conversation one evening, he’d inquired about the choice to take on someone such as Felix. That had earned him a derisive snort and an eye-roll that rivaled Emma Swan’s when Granny explained in no uncertain terms that she was well-equipped for the job.

“Listen, Captain,” she leaned on the bar as he sipped a rum, “if I can raise Ruby through puberty as a damn wolf, I can handle one scrappy Lost Boy. What he needs is a strong guiding hand, and a good dose of responsibility--that Pan let those kids run wild.” Killian tipped his glass to her at that assessment, knowing all too clearly how the lads were deceived and used throughout their time in Neverland. “Structure, Hoo--it’s Killian, right?” she amended quickly. “Kids need structure and routine. You’d do well to remember that.”

Not for the first time, Killian wondered exactly how much Granny overheard and knew as she watched her patrons come and go. In fact, she was the only one in town who referred to him by his given name, most simply opting for Hook or Captain if they were being pleasant. Or ‘the pirate’ if they happen to be Emma’s father, he added. His ponderance was abruptly interrupted when the door crashed open and an exasperated looking Emma quickly crossed to the bar and sank down one stool from his own.

“This one calls for a whisky on the rocks, Granny,” she huffed, casting a sidelong glance at Killian’s own glass. “You too, huh? Must be going around today.” He watched as she shucked her red leather jacket, tossing it aside on the barstool between them and he gave her a moment, offering a quick clink of his glass once her own libation arrived.

“To what do we owe the pleasure?” Killian kept his voice light, noting the tension in the set of her shoulders and jaw.

She heaved a sigh and he made a valiant effort to focus on her stunning green eyes rather than the assets her movements showcased in that moment. “The short version? I’m sick of my mother,” she tripped on the word, “trying to be my life coach. I’m tired of inane ‘loitering’ reports from the surliest dwarf, and I cannot seem to get--” her momentum was immediately interrupted by the door and a sudden call across the diner.

“Ems, there you are!”

“--a single minute of quiet,” Emma finished lowly while Neal sauntered over and leaned against the counter, placing himself between Killian and her.

“So, I was thinking we could grab dinner. You know, you, me and Henry? Or maybe just you and me if Regina has--”

“Neal, I’ve had a long day. I am going to enjoy this drink, maybe a second, and then I am eating whatever I rummage out of the pantry at Mary Margaret’s since she and David are out on a date.”

“So you have the place to yourself?”

Killian understood the insinuation and clenched his jaw. He started counting backward from ten while he listened to Emma try to redirect Neal’s plans, and when he heard the other man’s second attempt to garner an invitation he reset the clock and started the count at twenty. Perhaps she cares for him, he reminded himself. She is tired and had a difficult day, but that does not mean she has chosen not to be with--

Her voice was suddenly raised and Killian felt like he was about four steps behind the conversation as he snapped to attention on the words she spat at the man across from her.

“Just go-- go, Neal. This isn’t happening. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. It is not happening .” Whatever expression she held in that moment must have been truly glorious to earn Neal’s melodramatic scoff as he stormed out the diner and slammed the door behind him.

Granny simply poured a healthy splash of whisky in Emma’s glass in reply before shuffling back to the kitchen as she had witnessed the whole interaction mere steps from Killian, who just now was actively working to control both his expression and the thoughts wheeling through his mind at her parting shot. What exactly was not happening between them? Where did that leave him?

Killian glanced over at Emma, her eyes ablaze as if challenging him to comment on the interaction. “Darts are quiet,” he offered congenially, smiling what he considered his most winning grin.

That earned him a quick bark of laughter. “And a little violent,” she smirked.

“Aye, that too, Swan.”

She held up her glass and they shared their second silent toast of the evening. “I could use a little of both,” she added as she got up, glass in hand and the beginnings of a smile playing at the corner of her mouth.

“I hear rumor they even sell food at this establishment,” Killian pressed his luck a bit as they collected the two sets of darts and set up.

“You don’t say?” She shook her head at him and he watched her consider the offer. “Loser buys?”

“Of course, love.” He sketched her a bow, flourishing his hand and making a show of it to cover up his surprise.

“Not your love,” she retorted, sinking a bullseye on her first try while Killian considered how grateful he was that Granny accepted doubloons. Where had she learned to play like this?

...

Granny hollered last call only moments after Emma bid Killian goodnight, a lightness to her steps as he watched her go. “Looks like that went well,” Granny called over as she wiped down the last table.

“Aye,” he tossed Granny a wink, “and she stayed for three games. And dessert.”

For the life of him, Killian couldn’t decipher Granny’s laugh at this simple observation until the double-entendre dawned on him at last. He was tired and perhaps he’d imbibed one too many glasses if he was the one missing the joke...it was then he noticed Emma’s jacket still laying across the barstool where she’d first dropped it.

“Seven hells,” he took off to the sound of Granny’s whooping call as she warned him the sheriff walked fast and he’d better work for it. Work for what exactly? Killian mused as he jogged out into the night, no easy feat in full leathers with more than a bit of drink in him. He spotted her golden hair in the lamplight down the street and called out, thinking it the better option than startling her.

She spun on her heel, wobbled slightly, and burst into laughter as she leaned against the lamppost for support--clearly he wasn’t the only to enjoy one too many this evening. Ever the gentleman, Killian held her jacket out and ignored her comment about being chased down Main Street by a pirate.

“Princess,” he began, calling far too loudly given the hour, “chivalry demands I return your cloak, lest you catch a chill on this dark night.” She shushed him less than successfully as she giggled and fell into step beside him-- Emma Swan can giggle, he mused. “As well,” he continued, voice full volume and bordering on a bellow, “I must see you safely to your door. No doubt there are ruffians about, and all manor of unsavory ne’er-do-wells, all seeking mischief against such an elegant,” he chuckled as she staggered slightly, “and graceful lady as thee.”

“You’re such an idiot, shut up! Do you want the whole neighborhood awake?” Her scolding was half-hearted at best considering her idea of a whisper could likely be heard across the street.

“Do you think they’ll call the sheriff, love” He waggled his eyebrows at her and she swatted his chest. “Surely you wouldn’t throw a man in the brig for an act of noblest courtesy,” at that he draped her jacket over her shoulders while she led the way and proceeded to spin a tale of his own unimpeachable valor as a young sailor. When they reached her dwelling, she turned to face him before heading up.

“Why do you always get it? Nobody gets it.” He raised a brow at her question. “Gets me. Like Neal,” she slurred the name and rolled her eyes. “I have a shitty day at work and he decides to make some weird pass at me through the kid ? But you,” she leaned in and poked Killian in the chest, keeping her index finger pressed against his sternum. “You’re the...the flirty pirate king and you just...throw sharp shit at a wall with me and buy me drinks. You didn’t even check out my ass more than once.”

He absolutely had, but far be it for Killian to correct the lady when this seemed to be going somewhere rather interesting.

“Can I tell you a secret?” she slurred.

Before he could suggest this was likely a bad idea as she would potentially regret whatever her next words were to be, she pulled him down by one of his coat lapels and whispered loudly, “My mom is Snow White, right? So she’s all about ‘true love’ and ‘happily ever after’,” her whisper became what he thought was an imitation of her mother, though he doubted that Snow White had ever been six whiskies and two rums deep.

“So she thinks that Neal is like...my Prince Charming, but here’s the secret: he’s not a prince! He’s a con-man, and he sure as hell isn’t charming. So whoops, Mom! Wrong bet!” She laughed and let go of his coat, poking the end of his nose and whispering something that sounded like the noise boop in the most infuriatingly impossible-to-understand gesture he’s witnessed yet. She gave him a glassy-eyed smile, and in a parting shot that left him speechless, she cupped his cheek and in a much softer tone murmured, “Goodnight, Killian.”

---

The morning arrived after less rest than he’d like, but Killian snapped awake as  the sky first began to turn a dusty rose on the horizon. This was very likely the best mood he’d found himself in for quite some time, and he mused on the past twelve hours as he fiddled with the magic hot-water dispenser until he got the temperature just right. Unlike the Jolly , Granny’s provisions in terms of hygiene were lavish and he assumed they cost her a small fortune if Ruby and the guests enjoyed them as much as he did, but Granny assured him the soaps and amenities were provided, so he took great joy in letting the warm water run over him as he lathered up, breathing in the herbal and lemon scent so unlike the harsh lye soap he was accustomed to. This world without magic had its  charms, and hot water on demand was his latest favorite.

He arrived downstairs for his other new-world favorite - coffee - and Killian was pleased to see Emma already at the counter, though she looked a great deal less chipper than he felt. “Good morning, Swan,” he sauntered up to take a seat at her left. “Beautiful morning, don’t you think?”

She grumbled something about a headache and before Killian could reply, Granny swooped in and all but insisted she sit and have breakfast. Despite her protests, Emma wound up delayed in her arrival to her post that morning as she was cajoled into a substantial pile of eggs, bacon, and toast. “Complain all you want, Sheriff,” Granny eyed her as she set a matching plate before Killian, “but you two need to soak up some of last night’s fun. Now, eat.” After obligingly refilling their mugs with steaming hot coffee, to which Emma added more than a bit of cream and sugar, Granny retreated to another table as the morning rush filled in around them.

They ate in companionable silence until Emma glanced over and opened with, “I beat you at darts, didn’t I?”

“Aye, two wins to my paltry one, Swan. I’m only grateful we chose not to wager more than dinner and drinks on the game, or my pockets would be a great deal more empty.” She smirked at his comment, and the two chatted as they worked through their breakfasts, both seeming to come alive as Granny had predicted.

He should have known it was all going far too well.

The bell above the door chimed, and the bustle of the patrons picking up coffee and pastries on their way to work or leisurely enjoying their breakfasts fell to a whisper. Killian stayed perfectly still as he heard the man limp toward the counter, the gentle thud of his cane giving him away. From the corner of his eye, he saw Emma roll her eyes at his clipped “Miss Swan,” and Killian stayed frozen to the spot, not trusting his reaction in front of the woman who not only was increasingly important in his life--a thought he’d sort out, or studiously avoid, later--but also represented the local law enforcement.

He heard few of the words exchanged between the Crocodile and Granny, though neither appeared pleased to be having the conversation. Instead, his pulse pounded in his head and his vision clouded as he clutched the edge of the counter. Killian had the distinct image of grabbing that gold-topped cane and flipping it, beating the man about the head until nothing recognizable remained. Until the gold handle dripped red. He could leave him on the floor of this place, twitching as the last impulses of his brain forced him to dance to a soundless tune; Killian could simply walk to the Jolly and set sail, free of the memory of this vile excuse for a man.

Except that he could do no such thing. He sat next to the sheriff in a small town diner surrounded by people who already distrusted him to varying degrees. He was trapped in a land that was not his own and had no way-- nor will --to return to his own. He was a captain without a crew, and as his mind raced through the numerous ways he could rid himself of this loathsome creature he knew now was not the time and certainly not the place. Simply put, Killian refused to put Emma in a position where she would be forced to see the darkness that lurked within him. So he let it pass, and let the Crocodile go for today.

It wasn’t long after the disruption that Emma took her leave, and Killian lingered at the counter as he mulled over what to do with his day. Most days he helped Granny with the more physically demanding repairs around the place, but he felt caged and in need of something more challenging.

“Appreciate you not taking his head off in my diner,” Granny remarked banally once the place emptied. “You have any idea what it takes to get blood out of white grout? Oh, don’t look so surprised; nothing smells quite like fear and rage rolled up in one, and I could smell yours from across the damn room.” She waved dismissively and filled two mugs, sliding one to him and keeping the other for herself. “It’s hot chocolate, and you need it. Little liquid comfort never hurt anyone, so drink up and tell me about it.”

He sipped hesitantly, but the woman was certainly right about the comforting power of the elixir before him. Killian thought about his next words as he breathed in the sweet steam from his mug, letting the cup warm his hand as he held it. “You could...smell my emotions?” He felt it best to begin with the obvious inquiry and prolong the tale of his darkest day.

“I could also hear your heart-rate skyrocket the second you knew who came through that door, so I’m guessing there’s some history there. You don’t have to tell me everything, Killian, but I need to know if I can trust you when you’re in here. Gold comes in to collect rent monthly, and every now and again he has lunch as well. I need to know you’re not going to take a kitchen knife to the bastard while I’m serving sandwiches.” She levelled a scrutinizing gaze at him and waited.

Killian set down his mug and scrubbed his hand over his face, realizing he was in need of a shave, then realizing he was further delaying the conversation. He sighed, knowing there was only one right way forward. “I will not spill his blood on your grounds, Granny, not unless he spills mine first. You have my word.” She nodded once, waiting for him to continue. And so he spent the sunny morning explaining how he lost his hand to the Dark One. While Killian left out much of the story of Milah, he could not entirely avoid her role in the tale, explaining simply that the man she knew as Gold had killed the woman Killian loved right in front of his eyes. Granny was sympathetic and asked few questions, letting him choose how much to reveal. It was cathartic, in a way - a chance to tell someone this piece of truth. A chance to be heard.

When they were finished, Granny spoke briefly of her wolfish nature, a truth which Killian enjoyed as it made her acute hearing and perceptiveness make far more sense. “I know your heart-rate also picks up around a certain sheriff,” she added as Killian slipped on his greatcoat, readying himself to find busywork on the Jolly . “And I know hers does around you.” She eyed him closely then, searching for he knew not what. “Be careful with her, Killian. I don’t know everything--I’m not sure anyone does--but I can see enough to know she’s been hurt, and that hurt hasn’t fully healed. In fact, I’m damn sure the source of it just waltzed back into her life.”

He nodded his understanding and left her to her work. Given the woman’s preternatural understanding of her patrons, he was not about to argue. He chewed her words over in his mind repeatedly as he spent the rest of the day checking that everything aboard his beloved Jolly was in tip-top shape. While his life may be constant chaos in this world, at least he could be assured his ship was as perfect as ever.

[swanslieutenant]

into the depths - part 1/2

Summary: Running out of options to save Henry, Emma and Hook venture to Mermaid Lagoon, to the dangerous and treacherous mermaids for a desperate attempt at their help. There is no assurance it will work, but to save her son, Emma is willing to do whatever it takes.

Rating T.

Written as a part of the CS Neverland New Year Event @neverlandnewyear. This is Part One of two, and Part Two will be up shortly. Hope you enjoy! 

Read on AO3 

PART ONE 

The night at the camp after the Echo Caves is quiet and subdued, everyone lost in their own thoughts. The initial discussion of retrieving Pan’s shadow had quickly faltered, the group deciding to wait for Regina to return before attempting that mission. The shadow is an entity all on its own, separate from Pan, and while Hook had seemed confident Emma was capable of securing it without Regina’s aid, her parents had objected to the danger and so, here they are, waiting around.

Yet again.

Emma tries not to be angry at this situation, knowing logically it is fine to wait for Regina to return, that it may be safer in the longer run. But it’s been several hours since, and she still hasn’t returned from wherever she went off to earlier. And so, the remainder of their mix-mash of a group sit around the fire, the silence amongst them anything but comfortable.

Emma almost wishes for Regina’s presence, not only so they can go after the shadow but for at least some snarky remark to break this tension. The Echo Caves are living up to their reputation, the aftershocks of its secrets leaving everyone in a strained silence that seems to fester and persist the longer it lasts.

Neal is sat on a log in the centre of the camp, munching on a pitiful dinner of leftover hardtack from the Jolly Roger and a handful of berries Hook has deemed safe, while Hook himself is sharpening his sword at the other end of the camp. Neither has so much as looked at the other since they returned and took their seats in their respective corners.

There is some history between them, something Emma doesn’t understand. She knows Neal spent time with Hook in Neverland previously – the cutlass leaning against her bedroll a reminder of it – but whatever occurred in that time is still a mystery. Though, it clearly didn’t end well, given the glares Neal sends Hook every so often, while Hook’s brow is furrowed in a twisted, painful expression unrelated to his work on the sword.

In the centre of the camp, David pokes miserably at the dying fire, casting mournful glances over to his wife every so often, who is already lying down on her bedroll, her back to the rest of the group. Mary Margaret hasn’t said a word since they left the Echo Caves – other than to object to finding the shadow without Regina – and it’s not looking like she will do so anytime soon.

Emma herself is at a loss of what to do now. She’s resorted to pacing the outskirts of the camp, her mind racing as she tries to think up their next steps to save Henry. But its hard to do so when her mind keeps returning to the Echo Caves and the secrets it has revealed. Even with Hook’s warnings about his crew, Emma wasn’t prepared. Not at all.

She glances over to Mary Margaret, silent on her bedroll. It was hard for Emma to hear that  David was poisoned and cursed to remain on Neverland too, but she can only imagine how that blow has landed with Mary Margaret. Emma feels like she should reach out to her, try to comfort her. But she can’t think of the words. Mary Margaret’s own secret from the Echo Caves is fresh in Emma’s mind, leaving her stunned and lost.

She’s all grown up.

We missed it, David.

I want to have another baby.  

Each secret was a whiplash, even her own regarding Neal and the wish that he was still dead, and Emma is beginning to understand what Pan’s game was. Make them reveal their darkest secrets to tear them apart, to distract them from the real reason they are here.

She hates to admit it, but it’s working. David and Mary Margaret’s secrets had hurt her perhaps the most, a form of abandonment all over again – David’s physically, Mary Margaret’s emotionally.

Emma finds herself glancing over to Hook, who is still silently examining his sword. His secret on the other hand …

Until I met you.

She would be lying if she said that it hadn’t made her heart skip a beat. The sincerity, the honesty, the truth of it. It knocked all the wind from her lungs. She’d wanted to reach out to him, to say something, anything, but before she could gather her wits about her, other secrets had been spilled, sending her spiralling all over again.

Emma straightens her back and forces all those thoughts away. Hook, Mary Margaret, David, Neal – they and all their secrets and their potential implications can wait. Henry is the only one that matters here.

“We need to discuss our next steps,” Emma says, marching to the centre of the camp, hands on her hips as she surveys the others. “We can’t just sit here and wait for Regina forever.”

“Agreed,” David says, and he drops the long stick he was using as a fire poker, sending sparks from the dying fire floating through the air. “Who knows when she’ll be back.”

Neal sets down his half-finished meal, and frowns. “Is Tink around here still?” he asks. “She could –”

“She won’t help us,” Emma replies flatly, a flash of irritation at the fairy who had so quickly fled at the first sight of danger. “We already asked her. She won’t help us get into Pan’s camp until we have a plan to get away from Neverland after saving Henry. And for that, we need to wait for Regina to get the shadow.”

The camp falls silent, then Neal asks, “Has Pan ever said what he wants with Henry? Like, what he brought him for?”

“No,” Emma admits. “He’s just been playing games with us. But maybe … maybe if we could figure that out, we could at least stop him before he hurts Henry anymore than he already has.”

Hook sets down his sword and the sharpening stone then, stroking absently at his face, brow furrowed in thought. “We could ask the mermaids.”

Emma turns to face him, taken aback by the suggestion. “The – mermaids?”

He nods, thoughtfully. “Aye. They may –”

“You want to ask the mermaids who attacked your ship for help?” David demands, interrupting with incredulity. “They nearly killed all of us, and Emma almost drowned because of them! There is no way they would help us!”  

“Perhaps not,” Hook admits, his tone calm in the face of David’s outburst. “But they may be our only option. The mermaids can travel this island in a way no one else can – through the water, and even Pan’s camp must be near a water source. Perhaps they will know why he’s brought Henry here.”

Emma’s heart is starting to beat faster, a chance of hope accelerating it. Neal is glaring at Hook with narrowed eyes, though he has leaned forward to hear better, and even Mary Margaret rolls over now, propped up on her elbow to listen.

“Did you say the mermaids attacked the Jolly Roger?” Neal asks, his eyes crinkling with a frown.

“Yes, and tried to sink it with a storm,” David adds pointedly, glaring at Hook.

“Aye, they did,” Hook says, shrugging. “But, as Emma so eloquently discovered, the storm was worsened by our squabbles. If we can keep our wits about us this time, a cursed storm will not be a problem.”  

Emma’s eyebrows raise. Hook hardly ever uses her first name, reserving her addresses to ‘Swan’ or the epithet ‘love.’ ‘Emma’ sounds different coming from his mouth, and then couple that with a genuine compliment with no flirtatious undertone … well, Hook is full of surprises tonight.

“I don’t think they’ll help us,” Neal says, his sour tone bringing Emma back to reality. He crosses his arms, leaning back on his heels as he frowns at Hook. “They were with Pan last time I was here.”

“Allegiances change,” Hook replies, meeting Neal’s eyes in a measured, even gaze, and something unspoken passes between them then. Neal’s expression contorts, from a quick flash of anger and betrayal and confusion. He scowls at Hook, his cheeks reddening slightly in a sign Emma remembers as anger, and looks away, kicking at the loose twigs at his feet.

David and Emma exchange a glance while Mary Margaret, oblivious, sits up from her bedroll, rising from her feet to join them around the dying fire.

“I knew a mermaid once,” she says, growing excitement in her tone. “She saved me from drowning, and then even helped save me from Regina. If these mermaids are anything like her, we can definitely count on them to help us.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that,” Hook interjects rapidly. “Unfortunately, these mermaids may not be as helpful as any you met previously, milady. Neverland is a cruel place. The mermaids who live here … they’ve had to adapt to survive.”  

He doesn’t elaborate, and Emma can only imagine what they’ve had to go through. She’s seen firsthand the way the Lost Boys and Tinkerbell have had to adapt to this cursed island, even Neal with his cave and its meagre survival tools.  

David, clearly recalling the mermaids influence on their arrival here in Neverland, shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s a good idea,” he says, one hand lingering at the sword at his hip, as if challenging Hook to disagree. “The mermaids here are monsters, you said it yourself.”

“And they may betray us to Pan,” Neal adds, dismissing the conversation as he settles back on the log, ready to resume his meal.

Emma’s frustration bubbles over, her hands curl into fists at her side, arms stiff at the conscious effort to resist the urge to start punching things. Why are they all content to sit around, waiting for Regina to return, when this idea could help them save her son from a maniac?

“Pan already knows everything about us! He can appear wherever he likes on this island, do whatever he wants! If these mermaids could help us save Henry, who cares if they tell Pan? He’ll probably already know anyways! If this could help us, we have to try!”

David and Neal remain silent as they stare back at her, disagreement plain on their faces, though at least Neal has stopped eating again. Over the fire’s dying embers, Emma catches Hook’s eye. His expression is carefully neutral, but there’s a determined edge to his eye, and he nods imperceptibly at her.  

He clears his throat, making David and Neal glare at him. That doesn’t deter him, and he says, “They may be our best chance at trying to find out more information to save Henry.”

Neal scowls at Hook, and David throws his hands up in the air in dismay. Mary Margaret, however, seems intrigued.

“I think it’s worth a shot,” she says, breaking the unspoken tie. “Let’s go find the mermaids.”

David and Neal are not happy, dragging their feet, but Emma and Hook do not waste any time. They gather up several water canteens, Hook warning it may be quite the walk to reach the mermaids from their camp, while Mary Margaret leads the charge of gathering her bow and arrow and extra weapons for Neal.

Finally, they are ready to set off. The bright, full moon guides their path, filtering down through the jungle canopy in a scattered pattern, shadowed by the thick foliage above. Hook leads them, the rest following in a single file line through the narrow path that has been previously forged through the thick jungle.

Emma feels lighter than she has in a few days, the prospect of a task, of a goal, lifting her spirits. Though she is confident this is a good idea (better at least than sitting around while her son is suffering), the further they walk into the jungle, towards these potentially angry and lethal mermaids, questions of doubt trickle into her mind.

What if the mermaids don’t help them? They’ll have wasted all this time hiking to their lake or wherever Hook is leading them, when perhaps Regina may have returned in the meantime. What if this is just a waste of time, a useless delay, and it ends up with Henry suffering for longer?

Hook is several paces ahead of her, slashing at some fallen vines with his hook, and she increases her speed, scrambling over the loose roots in order to keep up with his hurried strides.

“Do you really think the mermaids will help us?” she asks, glancing back to the others. They are far enough behind that no one appears to have heard her question; if David or Neal got a sense that Emma was questioning this mission too, she’s sure they would be just as happy to turn around this moment.

Hook sighs, brushing his hair out of his face, and regards her with a somewhat sad smile. “I hope so, Swan. They are tricky and slippery creatures, who will parlay with us, if only for their own amusement. They have no regard for me, but neither do they have any love for Pan. He has not been kind to them.” Hook pauses, holding up a large leaf so Emma can pass underneath it, before adding, “To hurt him, they may help us.”

Emma can only hope he’s right.

They continue in silence, Hook guiding them through a small clearing to another long, winding pathway. This one is down a slope, steep and precarious, and at one point, though Emma is trying her best to keep an eye on her path, the dark night of Neverland bests her.

She loses her footing, skidding down several feet of loose rocks and damp leaves. Emma cries out in surprise, her stomach swooping with the sudden drop of gravity, and she braces herself for the fall, which is looking to be down several dozen feet of rocks and tree roots onto the rocky ground below.

But Hook, as if on instinct, reaches out to her as she stumbles past him, grabbing her arm with his hand and his hook catching a belt loop in her jeans. He tugs her back up to standing, jerking her upright fast enough to make her stomach squeeze with nausea once more, and swivelling her close to him.  

“Are you alright, Swan?”

His breath tickles her face, and Emma realizes then, just how close she is to him, practically in his arms. Even in the dark jungle, his features are in clear relief, and the last time she was this close to him … well, she kissed him.

“I’m fine,” she says, a bit breathlessly, which she absolutely attributes to the adrenaline rush, not Hook’s hand on her skin, the cold metal of the hook at the low of her back, or the sight of his face so close to hers once again. She steps away from him to more sturdy ground a few feet down the slope, brushing her hair back and out of her face, wishing again for the hundredth time she’d brought a hair tie with her to Neverland. “Thanks, um, for catching me.”

Hook nods and turns, continuing carefully down the slope. Emma follows him, her heartbeat slowly returning to normal as they head to the bottom of the slope. When they reach the bottom, pausing to wait for the others to come down carefully too, Emma turns to Hook.

“Hook,” she starts, thinking wisely of her next words. She’s been trying to think of how to say this for several days now, but with this latest suggestion on how to help save Henry and now just saving her from a potential broken leg or arm, it reminds her that … well, he’s here. He doesn’t have to be. But he is, and she’s not sure she’s able to fully communicate how much that means. “I wanted to say thanks for helping us find Henry. I don’t – I don’t think I’ve really said that yet. You didn’t have to help us to get here, and then help us since and I … I appreciate it.”

“Of course, love,” he says, his voice soft. He glances up the slope to the other three, slowly making their way down, and a dark shadow passes briefly over his expression. “There have been far too many boys lost to this island; if I can be of any help to save one more, it is my duty.”

Mary Margaret, David, and Neal reach the bottom of the slope then, and after checking in with Emma to make sure she is okay, the group continues their trek, through the dark jungle of sprawling roots, broken branches, and heavy, dew-soaked leaves. Emma is more careful this time, watching each step closely, but even still she slips a few times here or there.

This walk seems to be taking forever, Emma’s emotions fraught with both nervousness of approaching a group of mermaids who probably work for Pan and may not even help them, but also the general sense of anxiety and stress she’s felt since Henry was first taken. Her good mood has dissipated as quickly as it came, leaving her hollow with anxiety.

Finally, after they’ve been walking for at least an hour, Hook pushes through a dense crowd of bushes, leading them out onto a dark, sandy beach.

Ahead of them is an enormous lake, far larger than what Emma was imagining which, in all honesty, was essentially the pond from the Disney movie.

His voice grim, Hook announces, “Mermaid Lagoon.”

The term ‘lagoon’ is a misnomer, as this is a true lake, with black water rippling gently in the light breeze, water stretching far out into the dark horizon. Emma can only just see to the other side of the lake, where it meets the slope of a stony mountain, while the water disappears into the dark horizon to the west.

The water is mostly smooth and calm, but a dark cluster of rocks breaks the surface several hundred feet away, creating a small current and white tipped waves near its shores. The rocks are like a castle floating in the middle of the lake, with some rocks towering tall like towers and casting dark shadows out over the water.

“How are we going to find them in this huge lake?” Emma asks, disappointment already oozing into her thoughts. She wasn’t expecting this.

Hook looks to the sky, where the bright full moon shines faintly through a wisp of clouds, and gestures to the rocks with his hooked arm. “That’s where they’ll be. There are a few different clans in these waters, but they always convene on the full moon.”

It sometimes still surprises her how much he knows about this island, even though they’ve been here for days at this point and Emma realizes that he’s literally Captain Hook and this is Neverland. It’s a strange concept, trying to wrap her brain around the fact that he did spend two hundred years here, trapped by as much his thoughts of revenge as this cursed place itself.

Of course he’d know a lot about the mermaids and their habits.

“Okay, so how do we get over there?” Mary Margaret asks, as she, David and Neal join them at the tree line. She rubs at her face in exhaustion, her cheeks are hollow in the moonlight with dark shadows under her eyes. “Swim?”

“There will be a boat around here somewhere,” Hook replies, squinting around the dark beach. “This place is one of the only spots on the island that is protected against magic, even from Pan’s powers. He’d need some form of transportation to get over there.”

They spread out to search the dark beach. Emma’s feet sink into the soft sand as she keeps close to the gently lapping shoreline. Even with the full moon ahead, its dark here and after several minutes of walking, she doesn’t so much find a boat, as run directly into it.

Rubbing at her shin, Emma squints at the boat at her feet. It’s the size of the small rowboats Emma saw in Tallahassee several years ago, the ones with fathers and their kids eagerly packing their supplies for the day of fishing on the local waterways. This boat is made entirely of rough driftwood, sanded down to be smooth, with two benches facing each other constructed in the centre of it.

“Over here!” Emma calls, waving at the others, now scattered over the beach. “I found it!”

It takes several minutes for everyone to re-group near her, and Hook is the last to join them. He takes in the small boat and grins at her with delight.

“Excellent eyes, Swan. This will be perfect.”

Neal nudges the boat with his foot, sloshing the dark water, leaving the sand where it touches stained an inky black, dark even against the night. “You’re going to go across the lake in this puny thing?”

“Aye. Though I expect it only capable of holding one or two of us.”

David steps forward immediately, rolling up his sleeves. “I’ll go.”

“You’ve done enough adventuring for one trip,” Mary Margaret says flatly and David deflates under her gaze, his hand unconsciously moving to hover over the now-healed arrow wound at his side. “Besides,” she continues, “the last time you got near a mermaid, you threatened to cut her throat.”

David steps back, his cheeks reddening in shame. Mary Margaret herself makes no move to volunteer, and Neal is standing off to the side, looking anywhere but at the rest of them. Its no matter – Emma has already made her decision, glancing to Hook. He meets her gaze evenly, determined and set.

“Hook and I will go.”

David exchanges a look with Mary Margaret, and gestures at the small boat, bobbing gently in the water. “No offense, Hook, but how will you row the boat?”  

Hook’s eyes flash. “I suspect we won’t need any oars,” he says simply, and he bends down, running his hand along the edge of the boat. “This is enchanted wood. Similar to the same wood in the Jolly Roger.”  

“Hook knows the mermaids better than any of us,” Emma adds, trying very hard not to glare at David for that comment. “He has to be one of the two to go. And,” she adds, before they can throw in any of their protective parent disagreements, “if anyone is going to get information that will help save Henry, it’s going to be me.”

She lifts her chin, hands on her hips, challenging anyone to disagree with her. Though her parents do not look pleased and Neal appears downright sour, no one says anything else in defiance. Mary Margaret and David set about filling several canteens of water from the lake. As they load them into the small boat, Hook examines it, inspecting for any signs of leaks or holes.

Emma steps away from the group slightly, fastening and tightening the cutlass straps that keep the sword tight and secure against her back, taking a moment to prepare herself for whatever she and Hook are about to face.

Neal wanders over to her, his hands shoved in his pockets. “Good luck out there.”

“Thanks.” 

“Not just with the mermaids,” he continues, tilting his head in the direction of the small boat, where Hook is bent over it, his necklace brushing the edge of the boat.

Emma tries not to sigh too heavily at the implication Hook is part of the danger in this mission. She knows they have some dark history, but Neal wasn’t there with them on the Jolly Roger when they first arrived in Neverland, when these very same mermaids had attacked them, when Hook had helped save Emma from drowning in the churning seas.

“Listen, Neal –”

“He betrayed a lot of people when he was here last,” Neal persists, stubbornly. “Those mermaids are no different. You said they attacked the Jolly Roger when you first got here – why do you think they would do that?”

Her hand hesitates over the clasp. That’s a question she hasn’t really considered before …

Neal notices her hesitation, and he nods pointedly. “Like I said,” he continues, his voice low. “Be careful.”

Emma finishes tightening the sword and tries not to grimace when she smiles reassuringly back at Neal. “We’ll be fine.”

She walks back to the small boat before Neal can say anything else, joining Hook at its side.

“Any holes?”

“No, it’s ship shape,” he replies, straightening up. “Ready, Swan?”

Emma nods, and suddenly reminded of the last time they did something like this. Standing beside Hook, about to embark on an adventure, just the two of them – its like they are standing at the base of the beanstalk again, back in the Enchanted Forest. Then, Hook had had his own agenda, had been consumed in revenge and his own goals, and Emma didn’t trust him for a moment.

It’s surprising how different it feels now, regardless of Neal’s implications.

Now, Hook is the only person she would want to go with on this trip across Mermaid Lagoon, to ask a group of mythical creatures for their help in rescuing her son from a demented kidnapper. There’s no ulterior motive this time – Hook is here, in Neverland, the home of one of his sworn enemies, volunteering to travel across a black lake to face mermaids to help save her son. Who, if Neal’s information is accurate, he may have screwed over before.

There’s no benefit to Hook to go on this trip, and yet, here he is, standing opposite her, determined and ready to save her son. 

Emma sets her jaw resolutely. “Let’s do this.”

Hook clambers into the boat first, hand out to help Emma in. Normally she would ignore it out of principle, but the unsteadiness of the water underneath the small boat has her grasping out for it. She expects some snarky comment or perhaps a refusal to let go of her hand, but to his credit, he simply helps her into the boat, his palm rough against hers, and releases her hand once she has her own footing.  

As Hook predicted, the boat carries no oars or other ways to steer or propel them forwards. Instead, as Emma and Hook they settle into their seats, the boat gently pushes off from the sandy shore, gliding out into the dark lake.

“If we’re not back in a few hours, keep going, keep looking for Henry!” Emma calls. “Find Regina and get that shadow!”

The three figures of David, Mary Margaret, and Neal soon fade into small black dots against a dark shoreline, and then disappear altogether.

The tower of rocks in the centre of the lake looms ahead of them, and as they drift closer towards it, a cool breeze kicks up, sending goosebumps down Emma’s bare arms. Most of the time she is overheating in Neverland, with its oppressive jungle heat at all times of the day, hence her abandonment of her black peacoat the moment they arrived, but here out on the water, it’s the opposite. The dark water splashing over the edge is icy, chilling her to the bone. Emma wishes she had brought her jacket, but that is still folded up as her pillow back at camp, so she rubs at her arms, trying to bring some warmth back into them.

Hook, of course, notices.

“Are you cold, Swan?”

“I’m fine.”

He rolls his eyes at her and shrugs out of his large jacket. He holds it out to Emma, but she doesn’t take it, raising her eyebrow in a challenge. He lets out a huff of a laugh, laying it out over her knees instead.

“No sense getting a chill before we’ve even arrived. You’ll need all your strength and wits about you, love.”

The jacket is heavy and warm draped across her knees, and Emma lifts it up, slipping her arms through the sleeves, sheltering more of her body. “Thanks,” she says, begrudgingly.

“You’re most welcome.”  

They lapse into a silence as they cruise across the lake, the coldness of the air brushing against Emma’s face and making her shiver.

“So … mermaids, huh?” she starts, curious but at the same time hoping conversation will distract her from the cold biting at her skin. “I didn’t even know they existed outside of stories until we arrived here.”

He tilts his head at her, eyes narrowed. “Sounds like most of my world is simply stories in yours.”

She nods, thinking of the numerous movies and books on Snow White and Neverland and every other magical character she’s come across so far. “You’ve got no idea. But they’re twisted. I mean, the stories are different than …” She trails off, and waves her hand vaguely in his direction, unsure exactly how to put it.

He nods seriously but his eyes have a twinkle of humour. “Like your moustache and perm comment.”

Emma laughs, imagining the animated Captain Hook, with his exaggerated features and brilliant red coat, versus the man in front of her – almost unfairly handsome, who dresses entirely in black leather, with a loose cotton shirt lacking any effort at buttons. Lethal where the cartoon is a buffoon. Perhaps the only story in her world that had gotten a fact right was the original book, which described his dark hair and blue eyes, as blue as forget-me-not flowers.

Its far too easy for Emma to stare at those blue eyes, to be lost in them, and she shakes herself, continuing, rather hurriedly, “I mean, mermaids, for example. The most famous mermaid in my world isn’t a monster; she’s a curious adventurer and the hero of the story.”

Hook’s humour fades, and he frowns. “Aye, love. In that sense, our worlds are similar. Most mermaids are not monsters. But like I said, Neverland is not a kind home. To live, to thrive here … the softest among them are long gone and the remainder are dangerous.

Neal’s warning from the shore about Hook and the mermaids lingers in her mind, a trail of doubt creeping in.

“Hook, when we first got here, they attacked the Jolly Roger. Why did they do that?”

Hook fiddles with the end of his hook. “It was most likely on Pan’s orders. He has some arrangement with them. I’ve never been able to figure out what he has over them, but he probably had them out on patrol in case you showed up. Though,” he muses, “we had our fair share of disagreements when I was here, before. They like to hold grudges, these mermaids. It may as well of been my doing as Pan’s.”

Her heart sinks; perhaps there had been something to Neal’s warning after all. “What did you do?”

“Nothing too nefarious,” he says, with a wry grin that rapidly fades again into a dark, almost morose expression. “But you live in one place for too long, you tend to gather enemies, especially ones who like to hoard treasure and work for your enemy.”

They lapse into another silence then, and don’t speak again until the boat begins to slow. Emma twists her body as the boat slows its approach, to a rocky beach similar to the one at the other end of the lake, with dark sand and a gentle lapping of the waves against the shore.

This time, however, instead of a jungle framing the beach, it is all rocks, some jagged and sharp like knives, others low and flattened by the water’s erosion, and goosebumps rise on Emma’s skin as Hook jumps out of the boat, tugging it the last few feet onto shore.

“This place is creepy,” she comments, rubbing at her arms as she rises to her feet now, leaving Hook’s warm jacket behind. There is a faint breeze now, and though it is only a feeble wind, it is icy and cuts at her bare arms.

“Aye,” he replies darkly, straightening and glaring at the rocks around them. “This is Marooners’ Rock.”

“Marooners’ Rock?”

Hook is gazing out to the distance, and Emma follows his eyeline. A flat outcropping of rock hangs out over the water, a sheer cliff over the swirling waters below.

“So named after all those who left their crew here to die.”

Hook looks away from the outcropping, offering no more explanation, and continues, “Come, Swan. They’ll be on the other side, facing out into the lake.”

He holds his hand out to her, and Emma takes it, climbing out of the boat onto the soft, black sand. She glances to the outcropping, and this time when she shivers, it has nothing to do with the cold.

The small boat has dropped them off at the bottom of a set of cliffs, towering about thirty feet above them, with a carved staircase leading up from the beach into the rocks above. Though Hook called this a ‘rock’, its truly a little island all into itself, and Emma feels daunted by the scale of it all.

They leave Hook’s heavy jacket in the boat, along with the water canteens and head off, up the stone staircase. At the top of the staircase is a rocky plateau, with a stunning view of the jungle of Neverland all around them. Emma glances behind her, squinting back at the beach for any sign of the others, but the shore is too far away now. Only the thick black jungle stares back at her, oppressive and silent.

For whatever reason, it spooks her and makes her angry at the same time. Here they are, stranded in an unknown, hostile world, her son lost and in danger. It makes her blood boil with anger, anger at the sheer fact that this is even happening in the first place, and Emma turns back to Hook, who is watching her with an unreadable expression.

“What?” Emma asks, more defensively than she perhaps means it to be.

“You need another weapon, Swan.”

Automatically, Emma refuses. “I have the cutlass,” she says, shifting to show Hook the blade strapped to her back.

His eyes trace her movement, the turn of her body, and his voice is low when he says, “Never hurts to have a back up, Swan. Especially against these creatures.”

Strapped to his belt, slung low around his hips, hangs several weapons – in addition to his own sword, there are two short daggers in brown leather wrappings and a short black scabbard. He unfastens the black scabbard, and holds it out to Emma, an ivory handle gleaming at her.

“Here. Take it.”

Something lingers in his words, and Emma doesn’t argue again. She takes it from him and slides the dagger out of its scabbard, revealing a lethally sharp silver blade that gleams in the moonlight. She tucks it into the side of her boot, so that only the emerald tipped pommel shows and nods at him.

“Thanks. Where to from here?”

He gestures to the other side of the plateau. “They will be over there.”

She gestures for him to continue, and then follows him down another roughly carved stone staircase, into the darkness of the rocks below, to whatever and whoever await them.

[pagesandmagic]

folklore || this is me trying

description: she left the outer banks two years ago and now she’s coming back for the summer. they haven’t seen each other since she skipped town without telling him. they’ve both hurt each other, so how do they come back from heartbreak?

warnings: swearing, angst, S L O W B U R N.

series based on songs from the album ‘folklore’ by taylor swift.

author’s note: hiiii sorry i’ve been gone for a HOT second. life has been busy and inspiration has not hit me lately, but here we are and i’m excited about where this is going. pls let me know if you would like to be a part of the taglist! 

Part One (the 1) | Part Three (mad woman)

her.

growing up, your favorite story was Peter Pan. 

the boy from Neverland stole your heart quickly and you dreamt of a place where you would never have to get old. the adults in your life always seemed stiff and unlikeable. they complained about being invited and not being invited to parties. it seemed like they were confused about what they wanted.

being raised in figure eight meant too many fancy parties with stuffy adults and pretentious kids. through most of high school, you would show up at the beginning, but sneak out half way through to spend the night surfing with JJ. he had always been your escape from the uptight life that your parents made you live. they had dreams for you to go to college or marry into money, maybe both if it worked out for them. but that wasn’t what you had wanted. 

college wasn’t your scene, you couldn’t imagine spending another four years learning about places and cultures, instead of actually experiencing them. you quickly wrote college off your list when you picked up a camera for the first time. at first, you was mediocre, at best, but eventually people were paying you hundreds of dollars to shoot their weddings in your first year. your senior year of high school, you created a name for yourself and through the power of social media, you was noticed by a multi-million dollar wedding company who offered you the internship of your dreams. 

your parents didn’t approve of the offer, but at eighteen, you knew you wanted this and they couldn’t stop you. you packed up your entire life into her little Subaru and left. 

this internship was the gateway out of the outer banks, away from kook life, away from the heartbreak, towards a new life. a fresh start. 

he would have asked you to stay, but it wasn’t that easy. JJ brought a love you had never known into your life, but he also brought a heartbreak you had never felt before. 

you had an hour left in your drive and as your stomach turned, you had to remind yourself that it was your choice to come back for the summer. JJ was a part of the package deal of returning. you pulled over to the side of the winding country road. in one swift motion the car door opened and you found yourself hurling out onto the dirt road. 

“I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying,” tears were streaming down your face as the anxiety washed over your body. there was a certain desperation in your voice that scared you. knowing that if you were near the side of the road, maybe your car would get just a little too close and you’d go tumbling down, never having to deal with what was to come. 

“fuck,” you slammed the door shut, breathing in through your nose and out your mouth, watching your breathing and gripping the steering wheel like it was a lifeline. as your breathing slowed, you shifted gears and the wheels of your car found the road again.

the love you had for him was still there and it scared you more than anything in your life. and here you were, driving straight into the storm that was JJ Maybank. 

JJ.

JJ felt like he was floating as he rushed around the chateau, to clean up the mess his friends made the previous night. so many things have changed, he thought, three years ago, there’s no way in hell I’d be doing this. which was true. when she left, his entire mindset shifted. she was the one person he thought he would have forever, and with the rest of his friends out of the outer banks during the school year, he had to grow up. 

john b left him the chateau during the school year. free rent in order to keep up the house? sold. he made the house his home. completely renovating the little shack on the water. it was the first time in his life he was fully responsible for something big, and he wasn’t going to fuck it up. so he kept to himself, fixed up the chateau, praying every day that it would pay off. praying that she would come back to him.

he knocked on john b’s door. 

“come on, man,” he yelled, “you gotta get up and clean, she’s going to be here in like an hour.” 

he could hear both john b and sarah groan and shuffle around the room. sarah opened the door, rubbing her eyes and yawning. “J, you need to chill out.” she said, making her way to the kitchen. 

john b was still in bed, his mouth hanging open, trying desperately to succumb to sleep again, “dude,” JJ threw a shirt at his face, “get up.”

“why does everything have to be perfect, JJ?” his voice hissed and was raspy from the early morning wakening, “it’s not like you guys left on the greatest terms, so what does it matter?”

JJ shut the door muttering a “fuck you” as he walked to the kitchen and threw the beer cans into the garbage which made an audible clang. sarah jumped as she closed the cabinet door. “JJ, chill,” she poured herself a cup of coffee as he paced around the house. 

“sarah, if your asshole of a boyfriend does anythin-”

“he’s not going to do anything, JJ” she leaned against the countertop, her face almost buried in her morning coffee, “he loves Fin as much as the rest of us. she left on a high note with us, but on a bad one with you, so i get why you’re freaking out.” she paused, thinking of the best words to say, “but you can’t let her see that. she doesn’t need to have that power over you. you’ll talk it through with her this summer. i’ll make sure of it.” she touched his shoulder as she made her way back to the bedroom. 

he collapsed onto the chair in the living room. closing his eyes and placing his head in his hands. “i’m trying. i’m trying so hard.” 

she was coming back. this was what he had been waiting for since she left two years ago. he wanted more than anything to prove that he had changed and wasn’t the same boy she left. 

her.

you wiped your hands on the side of your shorts as you pulled into the driveway of the chateau. you could feel tears pricking in the back of your eyes, and blinked in hopes of pushing them down. you put your car in park and turned off the engine. “it’s now or never, get out of the damn car.” you whispered to yourself through your teeth. 

the front door of the shack opened and john b was the first to emerge the little house. you stepped out of the car just in time for him to wrap his arms around your waist and lift you off the ground. it always shocked you every time he was able to take your feet off the ground. in no way were you as physically small as sarah and kie, your curves were prominent and there were times you couldn’t shop at the same store as the other two girls, but john b always made you feel just as beautiful. he smelt of a mixture sea salt and tea tree shampoo. it felt like home. 

“i missed you, Finny,” he smiled against your neck, it felt right that john b was the first one to hug you. he was the one who had been there for you the longest, and even though you didn’t want to admit it (because he was a real dumbass sometimes) his friendship meant the most to you. 

“i missed you, too, JB,” you said, as he broke the hug to kiss your cheek. 

sarah let out an audible squeak as she wrapped her arms around your neck. “it’s been too long!”  you both rocked back and forth. until sarah let go, knowing you had a lot of people to hug. 

pope and kie were next, it only seemed fitting that they both went in for a hug at the same time, forming a little circle. when pope left the hug, you grabbed kie to hold a little longer, whispering, “where is JJ?” kie could feel your hands shake slightly, clearly nervous to see the blonde boy. 

you could feel her playing with the hair on your back, “i’m not sure, Fin. he’s around here somewhere. i think he’s just as nervous as you, if not more,” she placed her arms on your shoulders, separating the hug. “he loves you a lot,” she whispered for only you to hear.

“well, he had a pretty terrible way of showing it,” you sniffed, feeling tears streaming down your face. the entire scene was so overwhelming. 

you had missed the sound of the waves crashing against the shore and watching the HMS pogue sway with the waves. you missed the salty air and the humidity that summer brought. you missed the sight of the chateau, while more fixed up now, just a little shack on the beach. you had missed this little family of yours. 

“so,” john b clapped his hands together. “dinner?” everyone agreed in unison knowing the pizza that was awaiting them inside. kie and sarah wrapped their arms around your shoulders as everyone walked up the steps of the chateau. 

it felt like a little piece of your heart was getting put back together. your friends were more of your family than your actual family ever had been. you breathed a small sigh of relief knowing the one person who you didn’t want to see wasn’t inside. whether you liked it or not, he would be around the next three months. 

stepping inside you could see the amount of work that had been put into the home since you had last left. there were new coats of paint, new pieces of furniture, and there was a wall of pictures hanging up of the six friends in the different seasons of their lives. even the photos you had sent of your adventures in colorado were up there. you felt your stomach drop with the thought that your friends never actually forgot about you. instead, they were always supporting you from afar. tears pricked at your eyes. it was like coming home. 

your eye caught a particular picture. it opened up an old wound you had spent so many years pushing down. it was you and JJ the summer before you left at the beach. his sandy blond hair pooling over your face as he looked down at you. it was a particularly warm day and instead of spending the day on the hms pogue, the gang had ventured out to the actual beach. it was one of your favorite days with JJ. you remember it being a day of snow cones and sandy butt cheeks and hitting a volleyball around the beach. it was like everyone agreed to fill an entire day with all of the summer adventures. it was a dream. until it wasn’t. 

JJ. 

he stood in the driveway of the chateau two hours after she arrived. 

while the outer banks always had an ungodly amount of humidity, his hands were sweating more than usual. he chewed his bottom lip, unsure of where to go or what to do next. did he wait for her to come out? should he just walk through the door? it was technically his home and she was just visiting. no, it was definitely her home once too. 

he ran his fingers through his hair, he knew he needed to see her. it had been two years since he had spoken to his best friend. but she was within walking distance. he could yell her name like all those nights after she left, but this time, she would hear him. he could run to her and wrap his arms around her waist and feel her warmth, her curves, her beauty and never let go. he could hear her laugh and listen to the stories of the adventures she’s been on, see the pictures she had taken. he wanted nothing more than to kiss her lips, and feel her love again. 

the outer banks wasn’t big. so the entire town had known what he had done when she left. it was clear that she was running from him, but he didn’t blame her for any of it. if he was in her situation, he would run too. 

he started to walk to the door, his legs felt like jelly, but it had been some time since she got there and he hoped she would be distracted by the others that he could just slip inside and listen to her talk from his bedroom. 

the first thing he saw was her walk down the stairs, she was barefoot and her skin a golden brown. her t-shirt came down past past her hips and he was unsure if she was wearing any shorts underneath. it was by far his favorite thing she wore when they were dating. her hair had grew and was now far past her shoulders and cascaded down the front of her chest. 

as his eyes came up, he locked eyes with the girl he loved since he was ten. and then his entire body went cold. 

[killiansprincss]

Chapters: 6/? Fandom: Once Upon a Time (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: Major Character Death Relationships: Captain Hook | Killian Jones/Emma Swan Characters: Emma Swan, Captain Hook | Killian Jones, Neal Nolan, Henry Mills (Once Upon a Time), Snow White | Mary Margaret Blanchard, Prince Charming | David Nolan, Alexandra (Once Upon a Time), Phillip II (Once Upon a Time), Original Female Character(s), Robin | Margot Additional Tags: Neverland (Once Upon a Time), Curses, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Emma Grows Up Happy, Evil Queen curses Emma, season 6 AU, Angst, Magic, Hurt, Canon Divergence Chapters 1|2|3|4|5| okay here is chapter 6 of my Neverland fanfic! I hope you enjoy please leave me a comment on A03 I’d really appreciate it!

I also have a collage for my story below, ignore the badly photoshopped Alex Pettyfer as Neal Nolan! 

Emma woke up on the morning of her 28th birthday and she felt like she had a hangover even though she hadn't been drinking. In fact, it was worse than a hangover because she had woken up with 2 lives inside of her head.

But it wasn’t like in New York, because that life was based on a lie and false memories, she actually had lived 2 lives. One as a daughter, a sister, a friend, and another as. Well, as an orphan.

Henry, and Killian. The two missing mystery men. No wonder she was dreaming of those two the most, as she had no clue where they were. The two most important men in her life and she was clueless as to where to begin looking for them. Hopefully, her parents would have the answers.

Her house. With the white picket fence, with a view of the water.

The two people missing from it were the ones who chose it.

How could this have happened? Things were going so well, the three of them were finally starting to be a family when the Queen ripped that away from them. She searches in her jewellery box that she’s looked through every day, hoping the one thing she wants is in there. Necklaces and bracelets and rings she’s received from her parents and friends over the years. It’s not there she thinks to herself.

But then, at the bottom of the pile, it's there. Liam’s ring, the one Killian gave her back in Camelot all those years ago. She takes the silver ring on the chain and feels a sense of relief as she puts it over her head. She was going to find them, and bring them home.

The drive to her parents’ house, despite it only being less than a 5-minute drive, felt like a lifetime. She kept going over in her head(s) what was happening right now, she was meant to be celebrating her birthday with her parents and younger brother, the way they do every year, but now she was finding it strange that she had a family to do this. She was an orphan who found her family at 28, but she wasn’t really an orphan now. Or was she?

She knocks on the door to her parents house, expecting a huge Happy Birthday banner and for them to sing, but instead her father has the sorrowful look in his eyes when he opens the door. There’s no ‘Happy Birthday’ because he obviously knew what was coming.

“I remember,” is all she says as she just starts to cry.

The old Emma, the orphan would never cry, especially in front of her parents, but the girl who grew up with a family cried over the stupidest things

“Come in, we'll talk all about it.” David says putting his arm around her leading her inside.

Wiping her tears away she asks, “what happened?”

David and Snow look at one another trying to figure out the best way to explain the situation. “The Evil Queen, she said turning you into a toddler was the best way to get to each of us.” They begin to explain, going through all the details of how they eventually captured the Queen using squid Ink and how Regina has sacrificed herself to save everyone.

“Wh-what about Henry and Killian?” Emma asks when they’ve finished.

Snow takes a deep breath before saying, “we don’t know. When it happened they ran off to another realm we think, we haven’t heard from them since it happened.”

Emma looks like she could be sick, or faint, or both.

Seeing her face David quickly adds, “they’re safe though don’t worry. We believe Gold had a hand in wherever they escaped to, we can go ask him.”

“No-“ she cuts them off, “I’ll go. Just me. Henry’s my son and I have no idea where he is, I haven’t been his mother for 25 years.”

“Emma, you didn’t have a choice. He forgives you for putting him up for adoption, of course he’ll forgive you for not being there when you were under a curse.” Snow tells her, caught off guard by her sudden attitude-the Emma she raised would never do something this important alone. She was going to have to get used to the fact that the Emma she didn’t raise was seeping back in, the one who liked to work alone. The Orphan.

“Before you go beat up Gold to find out where Henry is,” David says, giving her a large rectangular box, “I thought you might want this.”

Emma takes the box, and slowly opens it to reveal her red leather jacket. Her armour. She hasn’t needed her armour growing up with a family, but now…

She took off her armour when she realised she wanted a future with Killian. But now, she didn’t know if there was a future with him.

_______

She decides to walk to Golds shop. Feeling slightly betrayed by everyone she needs the fresh air. That is until she bumps into her best friend Alex.

“Happy Birthday Emma!” She screams and hugs as she sees her. “I know it’s only a Tuesday but I was thinking tonight we can go drinking at the Rabbit Hole, like I’m working there until 8 and then I have tomorrow off,” she starts babbling, Emma feels so mean but all she can think about is Henry and getting him back.

“I can’t, I need to find my son. I need to find him I don’t know.” She starts to ramble, she knows Alex won’t understand, but she can’t think straight.

Alex looks perplexed, “I’m confused, you don’t have a son? Emma are you feeling okay?”

“No!” She cries, “nothing in my life is real, none of this. It’s all lies I don’t.”

Alex takes Emma’s hand, “Em. It’s okay. I’m your best friend, I’ve known you for your whole life, whatever you’re going though I’m here.”

“No that’s the problem, you don’t know me. At all. My life, growing up with you, it’s all based on a lie.” As soon as Emma said it, she knew it came out wrong.

Letting go of her hand Alex replies, “okay well if that’s how you feel then forget it. I was only trying to help. So much for being best friends.” And storms away, hurt by what Emma said.

She tried to call after her, but it was no use. And plus even if she tried to explain what was going on she wouldn’t believe it.

___

Standing outside of the Pawn Shop is strange. She had been inside many times before in her past life, but not once in the past 25 years. She stands outside for a moment debating what to say, but in the end she just storms inside. She sees the dark one inside in all his horrific glory, despite not having aged much he still looks awful.

“Where the hell is my son Gold?” She demands.

“Why Miss Nolan, I didn’t realise you had a son?” Emma rolls her eyes, the typical Dark One avoiding the question at hand.

“Don’t play dumb okay. Henry. Your grandson. Where. Is. He?” She demands again.

He finally looks up from his books. “Ah, has it been 25 years already? Well I believe birthday wishes are in order!”

Emma sighs, this isn’t going to be easy. “Look. My parents told me Henry and Killian made some kind of deal with you after what happened to me. They’re in some other realm or something, I want to know where, and how you can get them back.”

“Well I told them where they could go. Doesn’t mean they’re still there. As for getting them back, I’m afraid you’ll have to do that yourself.” He explains.

“Okay then do something to find them.” She practically yells at him.

“Blood magic can be used to find your son, for your one handed pirate lover I'm afraid there’s no way of finding him.” Emma’s heart sinks, but she knows Henry is the most important person to find right now.

He reaches under the counter to grab something, part of Emma wishes she had her gun but at the same time she knew that wouldn’t work on him, and her parents probably got rid of that a long time ago. It’s the same white atlas-like ball he used to locate Henry when he was kidnapped by Pans' minions.

“Before you do anything, if that’s a locator spell we are using my blood. Forgive me if I don’t trust you, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you do anything.” She tells him.

He nods in understanding. Emma gives her hand over and he and he pricks it on the top of the globe, slowly releasing her finger onto the white globe and the blood rushes around forming different shapes until they finally form one shape and glow.

“What does that mean?” She asks.

He smirks, “why it’s Neverland dearie.”

The pit of Emma’s stomach gurgled, and it wasn’t because she hasn’t eaten anything today.

Neverland.

Where Henry was taken the first time. Also the place where she finally admitted to herself that she felt something for Killian, and where he told her after kissing her he saw himself loving someone again.

It was where she accepted the fact she was an orphan, a lost girl.

“So do you have a magic bean or something?” She asks, ignoring her overwhelming thoughts inside her head.

The Dark one just laughs, “you think if I had an endless supply to magic beans I would still live here?”

Emma just glares at him, “so how do I get there? What happened to the wand you had? It created portals before?”

“That wand was lost a long time ago. As for portals, you and your brother are born of the truest love, your powers are of the strongest light magic. You created a portal once when you went back in time, I’m sure after years of training and love you’ll be able to do it again.” He explains. “Meet me back here later with your family and I’ll show you.”

______

______

Neal Nolan was working as an English Teacher in Storybrooke High. He had grown up with his older sister Emma, who was a year older than him. Or so he thought. Neal had no idea of the news he was about to be hit with about his sister.

Neal knocks on the door to his parents’ house with his gift for his sister. He got her a Granny's gift card and a new brown sheriffs jacket (which his girlfriend Thalia helped him pick out) and expects to see Emma in the goofy birthday hat they have both worn on their birthdays since they were 5, but instead, his dad opens the door and he walks in to find Emma looking through the Storybook almost crying.

“Everything okay?” He asks.

Emma looks at him, almost horrified. “We gotta talk.”

He debates whether to say Happy Birthday or not. He decides against it.

“I have no idea how you’re going to take this news,” Emma begins, “One thing is that you are an uncle.”

Nels eyes widen “You’re pregnant?”

“NO!” Emma shouts “Not, no, definitely not.”

Neal is even more confused.

“You are an uncle, but I’m not pregnant. I was, but I'm not now, or well I was a long time ago” Emma starts rambling and making no sense, Neal is even more confused now-When did Emma have a kid?

“Maybe we should back up a little.” Snow says, seeing her son's confused face.

And so the three of them explain how Emma was put through the magic wardrobe to eventually save everyone. How Emma met Neals namesake and thus Henry was born but given up for adoption. Then all about her journey in Storybrooke and breaking the curse, and all the other journeys and curses up until the one where she was turned into a toddler. And how said son and Emma’s boyfriend ran away to Neverland, a place where nobody grows old.

Looking at the photos of Emma holding her baby brother was slightly concerning considering Emma in the photos looked exactly as she did now, yet Neal was a baby. If he hadn’t just been told Emma’s previous life story, he would’ve sworn they were photoshopped.

“Okay, so what happens now?” Neal asks, worried about the answer.

“You and I have to create a portal to Neverland to save my son and True Love,” Emma tells him as though it’s obvious.

“Wait a second, you and I create a portal, like combine our powers?” Neal asks slightly worried about this, they had never combined their powers before and now they were meant to create a portal, everything that could possibly go wrong was likely to happen.

“I realise it’s crazy, but we have no choice. You just gotta trust me.” Emma knows Neal can never say no when she says this, as his older sister Emma always got him to do what she wanted by saying “trust me”. Despite getting into trouble most of the time when they were younger with the whole trusting Emma, even now as a 26 year old man, he couldn't say no to his sister.

Neal just sighs, “Okay. Let's do this.”

Neal had never stepped inside Mr. Gold's Pawn shop. When he was younger he heard stories of kids sneaking in and touching different items therefore getting cursed with the insane amounts of dark magic in his shop. Now he was older, he knew this was just a story, but it didn’t make him any less nervous to enter his shop, there was an insane amount of light and dark magic inside that freaked him out.

There was something different about Emma, the way she walked and held herself. She was less confident, very aware of her surroundings, normally she was more confident and whilst she was aware people knew her (both as Snow White oldest child, and the current sheriff), she never let this bother her, whereas now, supposedly everyone their parents age would have known her before her curse, people were looking at her wondering if she had broken her curse yet. Even as they enter Mr Gold's shop, which wasn’t actually as scary inside as he pictured, she walked in very determined,

“Okay were here. How do we do this?”

“Patience Miss Nolan.” He tells her.

“Ah and the youngest of the Charming broods I see.” Mr Gold says looking at Neal, who suddenly felt a little uncomfortable. He knew of the things he had done to people, innocent people, in the Enchanted Forest and that made his stomach churn. But his parents (and Emma apparently now too) have trusted him in the past, and Neal guessed so should he.

“Before we make this portal, you don’t do things out of the goodness of whatever heart you have left. What did you ask for in return?” Emma really was not the older sister he grew up with, she was this independent, confident and slightly argumentative woman that looked like his sister, but had a different aura about her.

“For my grandson I was willing to let the poor lad have this without a deal. As for the pirate.” He sneers, Neal was told The Dark One had a colourful history with Hook, and he was seeing this already. “I simply reminded him of the 300 years he spent in Neverland and what, desires, may still lurk.”

Neal had no idea what this meant, and neither did Emma by the looks of it.

“Now, you two are born of the purest true love therefore your powers combined can create some pretty serious magic.” Gold explains, “Now I need the two of you to hold your hands together and believe you are strong enough. You need to think of the portal in your minds, you will feel it when it is ready.”

And so the siblings to just that. They take each other's hands, standing opposite one another and close their eyes. They then take a deep breath and think of a portal in their minds, letting their magic grow and rise above them.

Emma thinks of Henry, and of Killian. She thinks of Neverland in her mind, and when Henry was kidnapped, she thinks of how badly she wanted to get him back and the things she had learnt about herself, about how much she loved Henry. And about how she was feeling something for Hook.

Both siblings can feel the magic, it’s a part of them and it's rushing around their insides like their blood. Gold said they would feel it when the portal was ready, and he was not wrong. It almost splits the two siblings apart, but they hold on to one another until they just know it’s ready.

The two siblings open their eyes and see a door, a green door with black etchings and designs. It's the portal to Neverland.

They're going to save Henry. Again.

_______

The four charming family members step through the beautifully crafted door, the portal to Neverland. They had packed a few bags and Emma was going to see her son (and hopefully true love) for the first time in 25 years. She could be sick.

The greenery of Neverland greets them as they walk through the door, the humidity and vast amount of jungle and sea that they had seen once upon a time. They arrive near the coast, and Emma can’t see the Jolly Roger in the water, but she had to think positively. If Killian was here she would find him. But only after they found Henry.

She looks over at her parents, and they have the same look on their faces. Fear, determination and awoken memories they had shoved into the back of their minds. After all, Emma wasn’t the only person to go through hell in Neverland, her father was poisoned with dreamshade and had planned to spend the rest of eternity here after drinking the rejuvenating waters.

And poor Neal who only found out a few hours ago that she was actually a lot older than him and was cursed, and now he was in Neverland searching for two people he had only met as a baby.

“Let’s head into the jungle then.” Emma says to her family. And so they head off, into the green jungle filled with who knows what. Now Pan was dead, who knows who now ruled Neverland.

It looks the same as it did 30 years ago, but it feels different. The Magic on the Island feels different, she knows this now, by studying magic for years taught her to sense different types of magic and this was some kind of mix of light dark magic. Not as powerful as Dark One Magic, but not the light magic she feels inside herself. Whatever was keeping this Island alive was clearly a type of magic not found in Storybrooke.

They’re walking for probably an hour when Neals plucks up there courage and asks, “Do you recognise anything here?”

Emma wants to ignore him and shut him out, the way she would’ve done before, but he was her brother, “Honestly, no. I thought I would but it all looks the same.”

“I think we should keep walking, I think we’re on a ridge right now and I assume there’s flatland where we can set up camp a little further up.” Their mother cuts in. Snow was a bandit and a runaway for years when her father was killed, so she knows how to scope out new lands and find a place to set up camp, so they don’t question it and sure enough another little while and they find flat land that seems like a good enough place to set up camp.

“Let’s not use magic to set it up though,” Emma tells her brother, “we don’t know what sort of magic is used here, or who now rules this Island and if they can detect magic. It’s just safer to do it the normal way.”

Everyone nods as they begin to set up. Emma is terrified, she has been since she woke up and realised her life was a lie. She had grown up the way she always wished to, with a family, but now she had broken her curse, it didn’t feel right. She abandoned two people she loved, one being her son. The first family she had in 28 years.

They had run away. So heartbroken that they ran from their home. That didn’t make her feel good about herself. Henry has forgiven her for giving him up as a baby, but will he forgive her for this?

“Emma! Emma!”

She’s snapped out of her thoughts by her brother's voice.

“Sorry, I was zoned out.” She tells him.

“Hey it’s okay don’t worry.” He can clearly sense what’s happening in her brain, though he has no idea of the extent. “I know you said no magic, but don’t you think it’s a good idea to put up a protection spell around our camp? To keep out whoever or whatever might attack us.”

Her little brother was brilliant. Though his magical abilities were not as good, lucky for him was not the saviour so his magic wasn't as strong, but what he did know was his magical history and the theory behind magic, much more than Emma did.

“That's actually a really good idea! You can cast it if you want, I’m a little weak after the portal.”  She lies, she’s not weak, she's just scared of using her magic. In her real-or before her cursed life, she didn’t use magic unless it was serious, when she was the Dark One she used it for everything just like in her cursed life.

He believes her lie, why wouldn’t he, she never normally lies to him. He casts the protection spell eagerly, not normally given the chance to do magic.

“We should rest. It’s dark, and we’re not gonna be able to find Henry now. Let’s sleep, and we can figure out our plan in the morning. We also don’t know who or what is in charge of this Island, don’t want to run into them in the middle of the night.” David says to his family, to which they all agree. Emma is exhausted and her dad is right, there’s no point starting now all she knows is he is on the Island somewhere, maybe he’s imprisoned, or worse, enjoying his time on the island where you don’t grow up.

Sharing a tent with Neal when they were kids was a fun adventure, but as two adults, one who was snoring very loudly, it was a very different story. As tired and exhausted as Emma was, or thought she was, she could not sleep. Killian once told her he was never able to sleep in Neverland, as you can hear the cries of the other lost boys and girls.

But you can only hear their cries if you are also a lost one.

Sure Emma had a family, and she grew up surrounded by people who loved her, she had 2 best friends and a little brother. She was the furthest thing from a lost girl. But she was an orphan. For 28 years, she was an orphan who was never wanted, and gave up her child at 17. That part of Emma will never go away.

Giving up on trying to sleep, she gets out of the tent and sits on the log to try and clear her head. If it’s even possible to do that with the cries of lost ones.

She thought about the two men she was here to save. The last time she had seen Henry, it was saying goodbye to him on the school bus, it was a Friday so they planned to have a Star Wars marathon that weekend. Emma had stocked the freezer with Ice Cream especially. Finally Killian would learn and understand their references to Star Wars. She hoped Henry would still be the same smart little kid who questioned everything.

And Killian. God she missed him. He would bring her coffee in the mornings when she had an early start, and when she was on a night shift at the station he would be at home cooking her breakfast. If she hadn’t been cursed, they would’ve been married and had a kid or two by now. They were finally happy, finally without walls, and she had a feeling Killian was going to propose. But of course he never got the chance.

She loses her train of thought when she hears a twig being stepped on. Her impulses kick in and she hides behind the large tree to her left. She hears someone whistling, as if signalling to somebody. She sees him in the distance. A lost boy, around 15, dark hair, like…

“Henry!” She jumps from behind the tree and in front of her son.

He looks startled, obviously because she scared him and also he hasn’t seen her for 25 years. “Mom?”

Emma is smiling so hard right now, “Henry!”

Henry can’t seem to get words out, “m-mom? Is? It’s-you-you’re here?”  

She goes to embrace her son with tears streaming down her face. “I’m here. It’s broken. The curse.”

She pulls back and wipes away her tears.

“Is it really you?” He asks.

Emma looks different to how he remembers her. Her blonde hair is in a french braid, something she only learned to do in this life. Her clothes are nicer, but still donning the red jacket. Henry knows it’s her, but could it really be her?

“It’s me. Henry. It’s really me. I know you love cinnamon on your hot cocoa, and Operation Cobra brought me to Storybrooke and you made me believe in magic in everything.” Emma’s practically sobbing, she didn’t expect to see him so soon.

Henry looks nervous constantly checking his surroundings, “I can’t stay. If you’re truly my mom, then meet me here tomorrow morning when the sun rises over the place they took my heart.”  With one last look he runs away into the darkness of Neverland.

Emma is stunned for a second, confused as to what just happened. Was there someone following him, or did he need to be somewhere?

The place where they took my heart

Dark Hollow . She tried to look around but it was dark, hopefully in the morning she would be able to see the sun rising over it.

Just as she’s pondering over the last minute with Henry, she’s startled by another voice.

“Swan.”

She hasn’t heard that name in 25 years. And there’s only one person who calls her that.

“Killian.”

[lowkeyaesthvtic]

Evil Karma - Chapter 7

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6

Word Count: 1,883

Summary: A quick look into Sofi’s past ends in a messy room

Pairings: OC x father!OUAT Peter Pan, poly!Harry x OC x poly!Uma

Rating: PG (no swear words but some angsty content)

Warnings: description of child death, mention/description of physical abuse, basically Peter Pan is an abusive douchebag and Sofi deserved much better

Tags: @hookedradge @descendantofthesparrow @curse-brekker @newtshairdryer @amityravenclawelf @kirbiejayhook

Author’s Note: Not gonna lie, I’m a bit nervous about this chapter. I just wanted to say that I take all kinds of abuse incredibly seriously and that it’s not something to be glamorized/romanticized. What Sofi endured from her father happens to people every single day and it’s for that reason that I proofread this a million times to make sure it was taken seriously. Also, if you need help or someone to talk to, my DMs are always open.

Ironically enough, I had fallen asleep shortly after telling Uma that it was something I didn’t usually partake in. Uma must have stayed awake, as when I woke up I was not lying on the chair that I was in before I had drifted off. The three of us now lay in a brown, mildly dusty bed with a thin blanket draping over us. Somehow, I had ended up in the middle once more. My arm was draped over Harry’s chest and my head rested gently in the nape of his neck, inhaling his scent with every breath I took. He smelled...different than usual. Rather than carrying the scent of crashing waves trying to tear a ship apart, he smelled like a ship calmly drifting through an even sea. His hair was just as messy as before, if not messier. He definitely was not a still sleeper. I could feel Uma behind me, dancing her fingers across my back, tracing circles and hook-like shapes as if I were her empty canvas. It felt nice, truthfully, but it was all so...new. “I bet you got this treatment all the time back on Neverland, didn’t you, Island girl?” I hear Uma mumble behind me. A small laugh huffs out in response.

“Nothing like this…” I could feel my voice drifting as I cast my mind back to the crowded island I once called home.

It all started off so wonder-filled. I was the second person to be born in Neverland rather than being taken there by the Shadow. People were still wondering how it all happened, my own father included. For the first eight years, I aged as regularly as any child would. Obviously, I don’t have much recollection of it, but one of the older boys once told me that I was relatively peaceful and I could make even my own father crack a smile. I wish I could go back to it all, just to remember it again. There was only one thing about my childhood that I could recite by heart.

Her name was Delilah. She was the first to be born on the island. Her mother fled home soon after, just as I believe my own mother had done. If the boys thought I was peaceful as a child, Delilah was an angel. Her skin was fair and practically blemish free apart from small brown freckles splattered across her nose and the apples of her cheeks. Her hair was not light enough to be called ‘blonde’ but nowhere near as dark as mine. I swear her smile could light up even the darkest regions of the Echo Caves. She made me want to be a better child. If Neverland were some kind of movie, she’d be the leading lady there to steal everybody’s hearts.

Even as young and naive as I was, I was rendered surprised when she was so eager to be friends with me. The first thing I remember hearing from her was her asking if I wanted to race her to the shoreline. “Last one to the beach is a crocodile!” She yelped out. She almost always won. Maybe because she was faster than me, maybe because I just loved seeing the smile on her face when she got there first. Either way, she was a winner. Soon, we started doing everything together. We’d eat together, swim in the ocean together, I had even persuaded my father to let us share a tent. From that night on, we were inseparable. The boys would try everything they could to get us to crawl out of our tent and hunt with them, but to no avail.

One night, a blistering storm came rushing through the island. Pan had commanded everyone to stay in their tent no matter what, promising that he would take care of dinner and anything else the boys needed to rest easy. Everyone quickly obeyed, knowing the dangers of the island’s angry rain. The only one I had yet to see come into their tent was Delilah. It worried me to my very core. When everybody had fallen asleep, I snuck out of my tent to look for her. I had climbed mountains and scoured the forest and even dug through the sand to find her. But, there was one place that I had yet to look. The Echo Caves encompassed the darkest area of the island. Delilah would tell me stories of how her mother went to the Echo Caves to steal pixie dust and fly home. From what the boys had told me about those caves, Delilah’s mother might not have been the only one. Boys had tried to fly from the Echo Caves, believing that the power of their homesickness would bring them home to their families. What nobody ever told me was what happened if they failed. I found that out myself when I found Delilah’s body bloodied and bruised at the edge of a cliff by the Echo Caves’ entrance. In her cold hand was a bottle with a letter inside.

“Dear Delilah,” it read. “I don’t know if you’ll ever see this, but if you do, you need to read this very carefully. Neverland is not the paradise you think it is. Your mother, your uncle Michael and I all ventured there as kids under that same belief. We didn’t want to grow up, either. But we started to miss home, your mother especially. Pan wouldn’t let her leave. That’s why you were born here. He’s a curse, Delilah, a demon that will do anything for power and control. Go to the edge of the Echo Caves and cut one of the vines, a black liquid will start coming out of it. Put the black liquid into this bottle but do NOT let it touch your skin. Then, when Pan is drinking, slip the liquid inside while he isn’t looking. After that, you’ll be able to do whatever you want. If you want to come home, write us a letter and seal it with a kiss. Your uncle Michael and I will come and get you along with anybody else you want to take. We love you, Delilah Darling. Be careful. Sincerely, your Uncle John.” It wasn’t until after I had read the letter that I saw the black liquid oozing from her wounds.

Since that night, I didn’t want to be young anymore. A part of me thought that if I could grow up, I could leave. The other part of me was telling me that if I didn’t grow faster, stronger, and smarter than I was as a child, I’d end up just like Delilah if not worse. At first, I followed the island’s logic. If you believe in it hard enough, it will come to you. I wished to grow up each and every night for what could have been years, but nothing happened. So, I did what I thought was the only thing left to do. I went to my father.

“Dad...can I ask you something?” I asked, quietly peering into his tent. He was drinking wine, a usual hobby for him. A husky scoff erupted in response.

“What is it, Sofia? You clearly see I’m busy with something.” He turned his chair around and faced me. I never realized it when I was younger, but he was always angry with me. Every time he looked at me or even said my name, there was a glint of rage in his eyes and in his voice.

“Well...I really want something. I’ve tried believing in it, like you’ve said, but I’ve been wishing for this for a really really long time and nothing has been happening.”

“Get on with it, child.”

“I...I wanna grow up. I don’t want to stay a child forever anymore. It’s scary.” Silence. He swiftly stood and towered over me, glaring down with a laugh so deep and sinister you’d think he was a tiger hunting its prey.

“You think eternal youth is..scary? You stupid child!” A burning pain arrive on my right cheek as his backhand sent me to the ground. “Do you have any idea how hard I work to keep this paradise for you and the boys? Now...you’ve come to tell me that you don’t want it? I should throw you to ocean and see which of the mermaids is fortunate enough to snatch you for lunch!” He turns back around and walks to a desk by his bed. At that moment, I didn’t know what to focus on. I didn’t know if I was going to live or die, but I was so scared that I couldn’t move to escape. The next time I saw his face, he had a tiny bottle in his hand filled with a purple shimmering liquid. “Fine...you want to grow up? Drink this, and you’ll be the only person on this island who won’t be young forever. But I’ll tell you now, dear Sofia, all magic comes with a price. If you don’t pay it like a good little girl, you’ll end up just like Delilah. You hear me?” He throws down the bottle with near enough force to break it. “Now pick up your waste of space potion and get out of my sight before I really give you something to be scared of!”

“Sofi..? Sofi? Sofi!” I was shaken back to reality by both Harry and Uma’s voices calling to me. By the time I was back in reality, the room we were in had been near completely trashed. My knuckles had become bloody and any glass surface in the room was shattered. Moments after coming back, my knees buckled and I collapsed to the floor. I didn’t want them to see me cry. Nobody is supposed to see me cry. Crying is a weakness and if you possess weaknesses, you won’t survive anywhere.

“Hey, duckling...it’s just us. Your dad’s dead, remember?” Harry leaned down and took one of my hands into his. They were big, veiny, strong..but somehow, in this time, they held such a gentle air to them. They were warm in a room that couldn’t be any colder. Then, it came to me.

“How much did you hear?” I tried to keep my voice strong and deep, but it couldn’t help but quiver and crack. There’s no way they would ever see me the same. “I’m not weak..I promise you I’m not weak-”

“We know, Sofi. We know. Honestly, you’re probably the strongest girl I’ve met. Next to myself, of course.” I let out a small laugh. She had a point. “We don’t know everything you’ve been through, Sofi. You don’t know everything we’ve been through, either. But if there’s one thing that I know, it’s that the three of us are the strongest this Isle has ever seen. Nothing from our past is going to change that. Okay?” I nodded my head and felt my breathing return to normal. Harry helped me up to my feet and walked me to a tall, dilapidated wardrobe.

“Let’s go ahead and get dressed. I think Lady Tremaine’s place is due for a quick robbing, don’t you, duckling?” I smirked and nodded my head.

“Let’s get into some trouble.”

“That’s my girl,” Uma replied as she placed a gentle kiss on my cheek.

[eightdoctor]

I saw your post abt the 8th doctor but doesn't he only have like two episodes?? or is google selling me lies bc I did see something abt books but I'm not gonna read not even for him! anywheeze hope u can serve me the 411 on eight bc now I NEED to see him. thanks in advance luv, ur url also fucks

ok. heres the 411 folks. 

8 has a movie. it is set in america and its terrible but very gay at the same time. (in it he says acab and commits crimes). the movie can be found NO WHERE ONLINE unless u pirate it. like. u can buy it but its 50 bucks. so . 

here are the links to watch it (part 1) (part 2)

8 also has a little short that was done for the 50th that showed him regenerating. too bad its not canon cuz 8 is the war doctor idgaf what moffat thinks. smh. but 8 does say adhd rights so its still good (and its 4 minutes more gif material)

it can be watched here 

where eight REALLY SHINES THOUGH. is through the audio dramas. paul mcgann’s acting is *chef’s kiss* and charley pollard is...........im in love with her. also he befriends a little lizard man later on named c’rizz who is baby. i love him. first episode he spends a good few minutes talking to himself and also lets a alien dinosaur drink the blood from his arm. 

now the thing with podcasts or whatever is that i cannot pay attention to them. listening to taz was Very Difficult. but this???? THIS??? broh. broe. it’s so well done. its so good. like. i actually pay attention. hello. and the cool thing IS ..... IS THAT the first like. 10 episodes are FREE on SPOTIFY. (but i also have a torrent link for all of them & im planning on putting them on dropbox cuz they Expeensive...)

link for storm warning (first ep) is here!

(if u want the torrent link msg me ;) )

the order for the first few eps is (sorry this post is so long but on GOD i want people to listen to Him so bad..):

Storm Warning

Sword of Orion

Stones of Venice

Minuet in Hell

Invaders From Mars (in this one he talks like a american stereotype from the 1920s)

Chimes of Midnight (this one GOES HARD)

Seasons of Fear (also goes hard. 8 has a little bastard hat also.)

Embrace the Darkness (agonizing. has a lot of satan pit vibes. but with charley and 8.) 

The Time of the Daleks (the universe forgets shakespeare. 8 thinks his jokes are funny)

Neverland

Zagreus (this one Hurts a Me. but romana and leela and 5 & 6 & 7 are in it !!!!!!!! and rassilon is a little BITCHboy)

[themadlostgirl]

Not Dead Yet (Part 85)

*Here we are. After almost 3 years Not Dead Yet is coming to a close. I love you guys. Whether you’ve been here since part 1 or if you came in along the way. You’re the reason this dumb fic idea got so flushed out. Seriously. I LOVE you all so very much! (Shout out to my good buddy @tom-parkers-girl who made the NDY poster above) Let’s finish this.*

Pairing: Reader x Peter Pan

Warnings: language, heartfelt endings

I finally got rid of Skull Rock. Created a huge whirlpool that sucked it down into the ocean leaving no trace of it behind. It took a few years of working at it, chipping it away bit by bit but that damned island was gone. No more painful reminders.

Tigerlily stood with me as we watched it sink beneath the waves.

~~~

Now this was nice. Peter strolled around Hades office looking at the various odds and ends he had. Sure Peter had seen all this already but he never stuck around long enough to get a good look. He went to the table full of crystal decanters and poured himself a drink.

Hades went to the land of the living along with the heroes and had never returned. With no one to watch over the Underworld Peter undertook the task. He was used to being in charge of an entire realm and with his amount of magic and power no one was looking to challenge him. Not that anyone wanted the job either. Well, except for some former king that Peter shoved into the River of Souls.

So here he was. In an office of hell, sipping some rum, and deciding what changes he could make. The table full of booze was nice, get rid of the cello, keep the pool table, add a hammock.

First thing was first though. He conjured a mirror and changed out of the suit. It had been nice but he wanted something more comfortable for everyday. Some dark jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket.

“See you finally ditched the monkey suit,” Devin walked in, “Although I’m surprised you didn’t change back into your clothes from Neverland.”

“Times change, Devin, and so must we. You want a leather jacket too?”

“Sure.” Devin now had a similar jacket, “Not bad.”

“Now that we have that squared away we need to figure out how running this place works. It’s gonna be some work so I’ll need a second in command. You interested?”

“I’d be honored.” Devin shrugged, “That is until Felix or Y/N die and you make them your second in command again.”

“At least you understand.” Peter laughed but it died in his throat. “Let’s go, hell isn’t going to rule itself.”

“It’s technically not hell--”

“Shut up, Devin.”

~~~

Tigerlily is gone. After the Darkness almost consumed Neverland she asked if she could leave. This wasn’t where she was meant to be anymore. I had no reason to keep her that wasn’t purely selfish. So I gave her a bean and wished her the best. With that she was gone. Like Wendy, Devin, and Peter. Why do I keep losing my friends? Are Ben and Nick going to leave me too? Is Candace going to fly off forever?

I sat on Dead Man’s Peak looking over the island. I could see my shadow circling around the Dark Hollow. Suddenly she took off into the sky and disappeared. It looks like we’ll be getting someone new shortly. I teleported myself back to camp and had them start preparations for a little welcome feast tonight.

~~~

“How many souls?” Peter charged ahead of Devin to the town square.

“At least twenty or more.” Devin picked up the pace to keep up. “They all just appeared without warning. Didn’t you feel anything?”

“This isn’t Neverland, Devin, I’m not tied to it. I can’t tell when new souls arrive. That’s what I have you for. If I could control it that much it wouldn’t look like Storybrooke still.”

They made it to the main square and Peter’s pace slowed. These new souls...they were all so young. Not only that they were all boys. Getting closer he recognized almost all of them. The Lost Boys.

Oh gods no…

“Pan?” He saw Felix’s head poke out from the crowd. “Pan!”

“Felix.” he pulled his friend in for a gruff hug. “What in the world happened? Why are you all dead?”

“Don’t you remember? Also, why are you dressed like that? You wake up in the Underworld and your first course of action is to undergo a costume change?”

“What are you talking about? Felix, I’ve been dead for years. I only changed my look a couple months ago.”

“Years? But the island--the Dark One--”

“We got another one!” One of the boys shouted within the crowd. Peter pushed past the boys to the center and gazed at the figure spread on the ground.

She opened her eyes and smiled. “Hey chief…”

~~~

As the sun started to set I waited out on the beach for my shadow to return with the new boy. I saw her fly in with someone in her grip. She dropped them on the sand and flew off once more. I started to walk towards the person who had been unceremoniously dumped on the ground.

“Rough landing, kid?” I laughed as he dusted himself off.

He turned around and I froze as I met a pair of clear emerald green eyes.

“Peter?” I couldn’t move.

“Y/N.” He looked at me as if I was a ghost.

I regained my wits first and rushed towards him throwing myself into his arms. He’s here! He’s real! His arms wrapped around me molding me to him.

“You smell like home,” he mumbled into my neck.

“You dumb codfish,” I sobbed into his chest, “Don’t you dare leave me like that again!”

“I’m not going anywhere, precious, that’s a promise.”

“Your word is your bond,” I pulled back just enough so I could look in his eyes. “I missed you so much. But how are you here? You died.”

“That is a bit of a long story.”

“I’ve got time.”

“First, I need to do something I’ve been waiting to do for far too long.” he brought me close and kissed me deeply. My heart hummed back to life and I could understand exactly what it was saying. I’m home.

I didn’t let go of him after we ended the kiss. He kept me close as we sat down just breathing each other in.

“So...how are you alive?” I could only keep my curiosity at bay for so long.

“Do you know about the alternate realm? The one created with a wish?”

“Yes. The one the Saviour created.”

“I’m the Peter from that reality. The Queen’s curse was never cast there.”

“You mean in your world I was never trapped in a curse for twenty eight years? Must have been nice.”

“It was...at first.” there was a deep rooted sadness in his eyes that made me realize there was more to this story then another realm full of doppelgangers.

“Peter? What happened? If you’re here then shouldn’t another version of me be here as well?”

He took my hand squeezing it tightly in his own, “Tuck in, pet. This may take a while.”

So Peter told me everything. How in his world the curse was never cast so the years went by as they normally did. Henry never became the Truest Believer so we had to find another one. Just as the hourglass was nearing its end we found the boy we needed and Peter was cured of his curse. Years went by of bliss before Rumplestiltskin stormed the island and slaughtered everyone. The boys and Peter put up a good fight but the Dark One overpowered them and took Peter and my wish counterpart. After Wish Rumple was killed the spell keeping him prisoner lifted and he was able to escape. Only him...

Peter got quiet at that point. His grip on my hand almost painful but I daren’t let go first, “Peter, what happened to the other me?”

“Don’t make me say it. It was horrible enough the first time.”

“You don’t have to say a thing,” I pressed my forehead to his. Flashes of memories flitted past my vision. I saw myself through his eyes lying broken and unnaturally still on a stone floor. All I could smell was blood. The sound of screams rang so loudly that it threatened to render me deaf. Pleas for the pain to stop. Pleas for Rumple to stop hurting Y/N. Stop hurting her. Hurt me! Torture me! Stop it! Kill me! Please! Kill me!

I pulled back with fresh tears in my eyes.

“You shouldn’t have looked, pet.” Peter’s voice was choked.

“I had to...did you see anything?”

“I saw myself. Lying on the ground. The island was cold. You were pleading so sweetly for me to come back to you. I wanted to so badly.” He touched my cheek.

“What do we do now? We’re not exactly the people we lost.”

“Aren’t we though? Up to a point our experiences were the same. The only thing that changed was the curse. In my world Henry was never the Truest Believer so we found the actual Truest Believer much sooner and didn’t have to fight to get him to do what we needed. In yours we did.” He smiled slowly, “And you didn’t have magic. Get my Lost Girl back and she’s even more powerful than before.”

“Peter,” I couldn’t help but chuckle as I wiped at my eyes, “There’s--there’s so much pain though. And after everything that’s happened...”

“I know. I know, pet.” He hushed me bringing me into his arms once more. “Your Peter lost you for twenty eight years only to die when he finally got you back. In my world our home was invaded and all our friends killed. Then I was forced to watch you being tortured to death.”

“Two broken people who lost one another…” I murmured.

“And the universe gave us a second chance.”

“It’s been so long, Peter. So many years alone.” Even more tears filled my eyes. It cannot be healthy to cry this much in such a short amount of time.

“Well you’re not alone now. Not anymore. Never again.” he wiped away my tears, “I’m not going anywhere, that you can believe.”

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you too.”

“I...I...” years of loss danced on the tip of my tongue but I couldn’t find a place to begin.

“I love you too.” Peter whispered. He planted a soft kiss to my lips and I knew that there was no need for anything else to be said.

THE END

(First) (Previous) (Epilogue)

[kmalexander]

My Reading List for 2019

The next decade looms. But for now, it’s time for reflection. It’s been an exciting year full of amazing experiences. Plus, I did a ton of reading! So, as I do every year, I’ve compiled a list of the books I’ve read over the last three hundred and sixty-five days, and I’m here to share them with you all.

Overall, I’m thrilled with my reading for the year. It contained several firsts for me. I read a plethora of great books—my most in a single year. (Forty-seven!) I Did-Not-Finish’d my first book ever. (It’ll remain nameless.) I quit listening to the news/sports during my commute and have now switched over to audiobooks one hundred percent of the time. (Those are labeled with the emoji.) I beta-read three upcoming novels—my most in a single year. And, on top of all of that, I managed to read a bunch of great short stories and got to spend more time reading graphic novels as well. So yeah—it’s been a great year of reading.

This list correlates with my Goodreads 2019 Reading Challenge but always includes a few extra since Goodreads doesn’t let me count beta reading and I don’t list comics or short stories over there. Remember, this is all strictly reading for pleasure—I typically forgo listing any research/history books. Since this list is always enormous, l skip reviews except for my top three in each category. However, I’d invite you to follow me on Goodreads, where I do occasionally leave other reviews.

As before, all links will go to Amazon through my affiliate account by default. If one of these books sounds interesting to you, I’d encourage you to skip Amazon and instead visit your local independent bookstore and purchase through them. It’s essential for your local economy to buy local whenever you’re able, and always good to build a relationship with your local indie bookshop.

Okay, to the list!

Novels

Tomorrow’s Shepherd (The Verdant Revival #2) by Michael Ripplinger

Beta Reading (Fantasy) by REDACTED

Promise of Blood (Powder Mage #1) …again  by Brian McClellan

Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones

Authority: A Novel (The Southern Reach #2)   by Jeff VanderMeer

The Traitor Baru Cormorant (The Masquerade #1) by Seth Dickinson

‘Salem’s Lot   by Stephen King

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater

Nine Princes in Amber (The Chronicles of Amber #1)  by Roger Zelazny

The Last Kingdom (The Saxon Chronicles Series #1) by Bernard Cornwell

The Haunting of Tram Car 015 by P. Djèlí Clark

Beta Reading (Sci-Fi) by REDACTED

The Civil War: A Narrative: Volume 1: Fort Sumter to Perryville by Shelby Foote

Butcher Bird …again. by Richard Kadrey

House of Furies by Madeleine Roux

A. Grimsbro, Warlord of Mars (Futhermucking Classics #2) by Matt Youngmark

I Am Providence by Nick Mamatas

The Compleat Crow by Brian Lumley

Orconomics: A Satire (The Dark Profit Saga #1) by J. Zachary Pike

Beta Reading (Fantasy) by REDACTED

Four Roads Cross (The Craft Sequence #5) by Max Gladstone

The Reality Dysfunction (Night’s Dawn #1) …again  by Peter F. Hamilton

The Grand Dark by Richard Kadrey

The Forever War by Joe Haldeman

Vermilion by Molly Tanzer

The Terror  by Dan Simmons

The City of Brass: A Novel (The Daevabad Trilogy #1) by S. A. Chakraborty

The Black God’s Drums by P. Djèlí Clark

The Warehouse by Rob Hart

It: A Novel  by Stephen King

City of Blades (Divine Cities #2) by Robert Jackson Bennett

The Dream-Quest of Vellitt Boe by Kij Johnson

Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire #1) …again by George R. R. Martin

Every Heart a Doorway (Wayward Children #1) by Seanan McGuire

Carry On (Simon Snow #1) by Rainbow Rowell

Interview with the Vampire (The Vampire Chronicles #1)  by Anne Rice

Agents of Dreamland by Caitlin R. Kiernan

Abaddon’s Gate (The Expanse #3) by James S.A. Corey

Imago (Xenogenesis #3) by Octavia E. Butler

Punktown (Punktown) by Jeffrey Thomas

A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs

Perdido Street Station (New Crobuzon #1) …again  by China Miéville

Uncanny Collateral (Valkyrie Collections #1) by Brian McClellan

United States of Japan by Peter Tieryas

A Clash of Kings (A Song of Ice and Fire #2) …again by George R. R. Martin

Grass (Arbai #1) by Sheri S. Tepper

 Favorite Novel of 2019

A Lush and Seething Hell by John Hornor Jacobs

The Sea Dreams It Is The Sky was one of my favorite books last year, and when paired with its counterpart, My Heart Struck Sorrow, the two quickly merged to become my favorite book of the year. Connected via theme (and set in the same world), both novellas tell intense stories within stories unsettling accounts of humanity and history, obsession and turmoil. This is the new weird at its most exquisite. As unsettling throughout as it is enthralling. Phenomenal.

Favorite Novel Runners-up of 2019

Mapping the Interior by Stephen Graham Jones

Jones is a modern master of horror and always approaches the genre in unique ways; Mapping the Interior is no exception. Told from 12-year old Junior’s perspective, the story is one part family-struggle and one part ghost-story all woven with a heartfelt earnestness that’s easy to believe and hard to shake. It’s a book about childhood, family, heritage, legacy, and the cost and ramifications of all four. The ending devastated me.

The Terror by Dan Simmons

At first glance, this would appear to be a fictionalized account of Captain Sir John Franklin’s lost 1845 expedition to find the Northwest Passage. But there is more to this than historical account—much of this book delves into the psyche of survival while interspersing elements of the thriller and horror genres to weave an extraordinary and sometimes supernatural tale—Darkly disturbing, severely bleak, and utterly unforgettable.

 Honorable Mentions of 2019

As I did last year, I wanted to highlight a few other books. These honorable mentions are books that resonated with me long after I had finished them, and they deserve a callout. In no particular order…

The Grand Dark by Richard Kadrey A diesel-punk reflection on the ramifications of war. Kadrey’s best work.

Abaddon’s Gate by James S. A. Corey The 3rd entry in the incredible Expanse series.

Tomorrow’s Shepherd by Michael Ripplinger Giant machines and power armor continue the battle for Verge.

Punktown by Jeffrey Thomas New weird sci-fi anthology about the citizens living in a city on the frontier.

It: A Novel by Stephen King Um, it’s It. And It is so very, very good. Except for that one weird scene.

The Civil War: A Narrative: Volume 1: Fort Sumter to Perryville by Shelby Foote Detailed history of military campaigns during the first third of the American Civil War.

Short Stories

Ours by Randy Ribay

The Farm by Charlie Jane Anders

A Catalog of Storms by Fran Wilde

Bull Riding by Richard Kadrey

13 Ways of Destroying a Painting by Amber Sparks

Hell is a Parade by Nathan Crowder

Artificials Should Be Allowed to Worship by Steven James

The Three Stigmata of Peter Thiel by Brendan C. Byrne

Space Angel (Denim Superheroes) by Lee French

Beta Reading (Horror) by REDACTED

A Study in Emerald …again by Neil Gaiman

Beneath Their Hooves by Katharine Duckett

Favorite Short Stories of 2019

The Farm by Charlie Jane Anders

A short yet striking tale of a terrifying future that cuts too close to home. A reporter named Roy struggles to maintain his journalistic integrity while trying to keep advertisers happy. Anders is a great writer, and her tight prose works wonders here. The best short stories can alter how one views the world and as I watched the news cycle play out throughout the year, The Farm was never far from my mind.

 Favorite Short Story Runners-up

Hell is a Parade by Nathan Crowder

A violent little story of a parade that quickly shifts into a scene of horror as one young woman allows obsession to send her down a dark path. The descriptions are wonderful, the emotions hot and raw, and the parade personified as a living beast whose glamor corrupts as much as it enthralls. A wickedly subversive warning on the dangers and ramifications inherent within vengeance.

Artificial Should Be Allowed to Worship by Steven James

My favorite short stories dress modern struggles in fictional costume—Star Trek excelled at this—and this piece continues that tradition. Written as an op-ed, the piece pleads with the reader to understand and empathize with artificial individuals seeking a place to worship. The set dressing might be different, the plight fictional, but one can’t miss the echoes from the modern efforts towards equality.

 Graphic Novels

Monstress Vol. 1 by Marjorie Liu (Author), Sana Takeda (Artist)

Saga Vol. 7 by Brian K. Vaughan (Author), Fiona Staples (Artist)

Paper Girls: Book One by Brian K. Vaughan (Author), Cliff Chiang (Cover Art, Artist), Matthew Wilson (Artist)

The Promised Neverland, Vol. 1 by Kaiu Shirai (Author), Posuka Demizu (Illustrator)

Die, Vol 1: Fantasy Heartbreaker by Kieron Gillen (Author), Stephanie Hans (Artist)

Blackbird Vol. 1 by Sam Humphries (Author), Jen Bartel (Artist)

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll (Author & Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 1: The Black Barn by Jeff Lemire  (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 2: Original Sin by Jeff Lemire  (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Uzumaki by Junji Ito (Author & Artist)

Trees Vol 2. by Warren Ellis (Author), Jason Howard (Artist)

Gideon Falls Vol. 3: Stations of the Cross by Jeff Lemire (Author), Andrea Sorrentino (Artist), Dave Stewart (Artist)

Death or Glory Vol. 1: She’s Got You by Rick Remender (Author), Bengal (Artist)

 Favorite Graphic Novel of 2017:

Uzumaki by Junji Ito

Kurôzu-cho is a coastal town haunted by uzumaki—spiral patterns that infest everything, distorting the village and its inhabitants. Everything starts simple enough, but as the chapters breeze past the effects of the uzumaki becomes more and more profound. With engaging characters and an incredible premise, this is quite easily one of the great horror comics ever written.

 Favorite Graphic Novel Runners-up of 2017:

Gideon Falls by Jeff Lemire, Andrea Sorrentino, Dave Stewart

This nearly took the top spot from me, and for a good reason; it’s an amazingly told tale. A young man becomes obsessed with a conspiracy theory found in a city’s trash, and elsewhere a priest becomes entwined in the rural legend of The Black Barn—a strange building that appears at random throughout history, leaving death in its wake. And then things get really weird…

Through the Woods by Emily Carroll

This creepy anthology horror collection was one of my favorites. It’s not “scary” in the traditional sense we Westerners expect; instead, there’s a folklorish creepiness to the tales therein. More Poe than Barker. Plus, the visuals that accompanied those spooky accounts only enhanced each tale. I read it cover to cover on a foggy October morning, and it remains a memorable and unforgettable read.

So, there is my list! A lot of reading in a variety of places I didn’t make time for last year. It was good to get back into comics and to start reading short stories. I’m considering adding a poetry section next year as well, but we’ll see. If anything suffered from this, it was my television and game systems, they’ve been lonely, but I’ve felt a lot more fulfilled with the fiction I’ve devoured. Fiction is the perfect way to step into the shoes of someone else and discover new points of view. So thanks, 2019—it’s been a fantastic year in reading. Here’s to more in 2020!

Are you looking for a good book? Want to see my reading lists from previous years? Check any of the links below and see what I was reading in the bygone halcyon days of old.

• 2013 • 2014 • 2015 • 2016 • 2017 • 2018 •

Next year, why not join me? Goodreads does a reading challenge every year, and I am an active participant. First, follow me on Goodreads (leave me a review while you’re there), and once the New Year arrives, participate in the Goodreads Reading Challenge for 2020.

Want to stay in touch with me? Sign up for Dead Drop, my rare and elusive newsletter. Subscribers get news, previews, and notices on my books before anyone else delivered directly to their inbox. I work hard to make sure it’s not spammy and full of interesting and relevant information.  SIGN UP TODAY →

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[thestoryweneededtowrite]

Second Star To The Right - Part 1

An AU where all the Newsies work at Disneyworld, and Jack does something stupid (a couple of stupid things, actually). 

Disney-related phrases that might come up:

Cast members = the name given to pretty much all Disney park employees

Utilidors = a series of tunnels that run under Disneyworld so, among other things, cast members can get from one place to another without crossing guest areas of the park

Being ‘friends with’ or ‘hanging out with’ a character = playing them in the parks, so phrased as to maintain the Disney magic

Onstage = Any guest area of the park is considered onstage, with backstage being employee only areas

Character attendant = a cast member who accompanies a character so they can make sure that character is safe, as well as answering questions characters can’t and speaking oh behalf fur characters

Fur characters = Any costume that involves a full suit where the face is not seen (e.g. Donald Duck, Mickey Mouse, Baymax, etc.) Fur doesn’t have to be involved.

Jack liked his job. He never had to worry about what he was going to wear to work, with someone handing him a freshly laundered costume each morning, and he got to be enthusiastic in a borderline-arrogant way and get paid for it. He loved his co-workers and he got to create magic for Disney guests every moment of the day. It made it easy to get out of bed.

Step one of his day was always, without fail, to kiss his boyfriend good morning. Davey tended to wake up first and bring him coffee, and affection and caffeine were two of his favourite things.

They’d met at work and, after Jack had endlessly persuaded Davey into a date for approximately three months, they’d finally gone out. Now, a year later, he had his very own Prince Charming to curl up with after work and kiss quickly when they passed each other in the utilidors. Davey complained playfully about finding it weird to kiss the boy who never grew up, but he gave as many kisses as he got.

People knew they were dating. The hardcore Disney fans that were at the parks almost as much as the cast members had somehow found out his name and followed him on Instagram, and he didn’t shy away from his affection for the love of his life on social media, happy to post photos of himself kissing Davey’s cheek or a close up of their interlocked hands. Those same diehard fans had quickly identified his boyfriend as a ‘friend of Prince Charming’ from the parks. Based on the comments on Jack’s Instagram posts, they thought they were an adorable couple. Jack had to agree, Davey was adorable.

It was impossible for his days to be repetitive, considering the different guests he met. Once he was suitably costumed, wigged, and made-up, he set off through the tunnels to Fantasyland to meet up with his character attendant. It was Rafaela for this shift, who looked happy to see him until she frowned at the state of his hair, fluffing up the wig and brushing it out of his eyes.

“Will you never learn,” she tutted.

“Like Peter cares about his hair,” he laughed, but he readjusted his fringe so it sat a little better. All Peters were meant to look the same, after all.

Sometimes he had a Wendy to do meet and greets with, but for this shift he was alone and he didn’t mind it terribly much. He didn’t have to worry about maintaining a rapport with someone else. Taking a moment to sink into his Peter persona, he put on a grin and leapt out on stage to gasps and a little applause from kids who believed he really was Peter Pan. That was his favourite part of his job, bringing joy to children who still believed in magic and flying and the power of pixie dust. It made him believe a little too.

The reality of being a Disney character was sticky hugs from toddlers who’d had too much candy floss and pushy, self-righteous mothers who ordered their kids about. But even the Florida heat was counteracted by the smiles of children who ran up for a hug and tentatively handed over something for him to sign. He’d invite some of them to Neverland, ask other what happy thought they’d use for pixie dust to make them fly, warned more still to watch out for Hook and his pirates. Little girls in princess dresses were greeted with ‘Your Majesty’ and a flourished bow. Boys in pirate costumes were treated with mock suspicion, and asked if they were working for Hook. Every smile he caused made his day.

Twenty minutes into his shift, he looked up from the previous child to find his next family was a prim and proper mother, preoccupied by her phone, and a young teenage girl fiddling with something in her pocket before pulling out a badge and pinning it to her jacket as she walked up.

“I saw something on tumblr,” she said quietly, before he could get a word out. Jack froze for a split second, before forcing a confused expression onto his face. He caught Rafaela twitching in a similar way beside him out the corner of his eye. Peter wasn’t supposed to know about social media or the internet or computers, and he definitely wasn’t meant to let Peter slip and interact with guests as himself. So he kept character.

“Tumbler? Like an acrobat?” he asked. “I’m pretty good at backflips in the air when I’m flying. I’ve been teaching Wendy.”

Rafaela sighed a little in relief, but the girl in front of him shook her head. She clearly had a topic of conversation in mind and she wasn’t going to be led away from it.

“Is it true you’re gay?” she asked.

Oh. Right. That.

Even before people had discovered his social media and found out quite how queer he was, it had still been obvious he wasn’t straight. He would compliment people on their rainbow apparel and tell them he and the lost boys sported similar patterns in Neverland, pieced together from the colourful flowers in the rainforest. When same-sex couples came to see Peter he would curtsey to the women and greet them as them ‘Princess and Princess’, and tell the men how lucky they were that they’d found their Prince Charming. He’d blown kisses to attractive men in the parades before, because it seemed like the kind of thing Peter would do. But usually he didn’t address his comments to kids, even teenagers, because that seemed like a good way to get complaints from idiotic parents. But everything he did do usually found its way onto a tumblr masterpost, the one he was pretty sure this girl was referencing, on a fan’s blog.

He finally registered the badge – a cute little rainbow button with a spiral of text reading ‘love is love is love’ into the centre – that the girl had pinned to her jacket, and she was sending worried glances to her mother every now and then as if this conversation wasn’t meant to be overheard. Clearly she needed some reassurance; she couldn’t be more than thirteen. He wanted to tell her that he was gay and all about his Prince, and that she would find a beautiful Princess someday, but it was a bad idea. But he couldn’t say nothing.

“In Neverland, none of that matters. If you’re happy, then that’s enough,” he promised. He gestured to her badge. “Love is love.”

The girl smiled and nodded, hugging him quickly and handing her phone to Rafaela, who was shooting stern glances at Jack, so she could take a photo of the two of them.

Jack patted the girl’s shoulder as she walked away, with far more of a spring in her step than she’d had before. The snooty mother glanced up from a text, barely sparing her daughter more than a second until she did a double take when she registered the colourful new addition to her jacket.

“Ramona. Take that badge off. Now,” she snapped, finally putting her phone away.

Jack frowned, but he couldn’t get involved. Rafaela would kill him. Instead he turned to a young boy, barely old enough to walk, toddling towards him with the help of his father.

“Peter said it was okay,” Ramona argued, crossing her arms.

Jack flinched. That wasn’t ideal. Still, he needed to stay out of it. Crouching down, he shook the hand of the confused little boy who absolutely had no idea what was going on, and asked him if he knew Michael Darling.

“He said what?” the woman gasped.

Jack could hear the disgust in her raised voice. He knew what was coming before he even turned around, so he stood up to face the oncoming storm.

“Excuse me, I will not have you spouting homosexual propaganda to my daughter. I do not expect that kind of perversion from a family company,” she shrieked.

Rafaela was too stunned to step in, but Jack was happy to fight this battle alone. Ramona looked close to tears and he couldn’t have that. The toddler he’d been interacting with was whisked away from the dispute quickly, so Jack could turn his full attention to this woman. He sunk into Peter’s persona even more, knowing this would get too personal if he didn’t, and put his hands on his hips. “With all due respect, madam, and this isn’t something I say often, but I’m going to have to request that you grow up,” he said simply. He knew Disney was scared of representing gay characters, but he had to stand up for himself and for Ramona and for everyone else who wasn’t straight.

There was a chorus of ‘oooh’s from the older kids waiting in line and Jack really badly wanted to grin, but that would likely make things worse.

“Excuse me?!” the mother squawked. She turned to an overwhelmed Rafaela. “I need to speak to your manager. Immediately.”

She was clearly seething and Jack knew this was going to end badly for his career, but Ramona looked delighted with his forthrightness and he couldn’t quite bring himself to regret it. Rafaela was far less delighted, turning to the guests waiting, half of whom now had their phones out recording the confrontation, and managed some announcement about Peter having to go to back to Neverland in a hurry and practically dragged Jack backstage as she promised Ramona’s mother she’d be back immediately with a senior member of staff.

“What the fuck?!” she hissed as soon as they were out of earshot of the crowd.

‘I’m sorry,” Jack sighed. “I just… I couldn’t say nothing.”

He knew he’d fucked up, but there wasn’t a lot he could do about it now. The repercussions for what he’d done would most certainly be harsh, but he still couldn’t manage to regret it.

Part Two