#...apologies for the negativity. i have a shitty brain

[daz4i]

unfortunately in order to want to live you need to make a decision that you want to live. and in order to do that, you need to want to live. do you see my issue here

[scary-lasagna]

Hi! Could we get more of the creeps bumping into someone they used to know before their incidents?? I love your blog thank you!!

Decided to go a negative route for this one to make it spicy

tw: bullying, trauma mention,

Toby

He tried so hard.

Even after the double take, he still wasn't sure about the man five feet away from him.

But he still smelled the same, that irritating wet-dog smell mixed with a shitty watered-down body spray.

Toby balled his fists, attempting to focus on the words of the shirt in front of him.

Standing in line at the bank was not where he expected his next breakdown, yet here we are. He wasn't even in his hometown; he was a few cities west of his origin.

Toby was mentally prepared to glance at a few familiar faces, but never the main culprit of the Devil of his school years.

With the stress of the situation, his medication seemed to nullify, and a quick snap of his neck caused a few heads to turn toward him.

Toby's cheeks burned, and he glared at the marble flooring.

"Ticci Toby?"

Fuck.

Toby tightened his jaw and slowly looked over to the man in the next line over, a redhead with dirt clinging to his oily skin, along with that same spotty beard Toby remembered from his school-days.

Then again, Toby probably didn't look his best after work either, with sweat still clinging to his bangs and dirty, non-bank-worthy clothes.

"Rick." Toby managed a cringeworthy grimace of a smile, "How have you been?"

At the moment, Toby felt like that pathetic excuse for a teenager again. A pathetic excuse for a human.

The memories of being shoved against lockers and brick walls and returning home with more bruises than he cared about resurfaced in waves of pain.

"I've been good. Been working." Rick nodded. He sniffed and glanced away, "You disappeared off the map, everyone thought you killed your dad and died in the fire."

What a fucking opener for small talk.

"He was not my Dad," Toby said curtly. And I'm still alive." However, Toby definitely wished he wasn't at that moment.

The pain of embarrassment and uncomfortableness was enough to make the brunette keel over.

"I bet you wished Lyra was still here after all of that, huh?"

A beat passed, and despite how hard Toby glared at the man in front of him, the line did not budge. Rick continued to stare at Toby.

"You think you're too good to talk to me now?"

Toby breathed. He sighed and rolled his neck.

A verbal tic followed closely after, at the best moment to call Rick a Cunt.

Whatever manilla folder Rick held dropped from his hands and dully fell against the marble.

Toby allowed himself to react out of pure fear and instinct, punching Rick directly in the jaw before he could even lay hands on him.

And, with Toby being much stronger now as a grown man, Rick was not expecting such a hit. The pressure radiated from his jaw and rebounded to whatever brain cells were left in his empty skull.

Toby didn't know what happened between that moment and when he was running from security guards and into the nearest wooded area.

But his hands were covered in blood, and his knuckles had been scraped open.

After returning home, he apologized to Slender for not depositing the check and decided not to speak of anything else.

[antisocialsharky]

You Don't Owe People a Perfect Apology

I would like to start this post by saying, that I absolutely 100% recognize, that it is beneficial within our current society, to offer an apology for any situation in which you harm other people or their belongings and/or make any other kind of mistake that could warrant an acknowledgement of said mistake and the consequences it might have caused.

Saying "I'm sorry" is a handy communication tool that basically conveys "I made a mistake, I recognize I made that mistake and I acknowledge that it caused some type of negative consequence and therefore I am saying this out loud to reassure you that I noticed".

Thats all it has to be and its beautiful isn't it? That we have come up with such an easy short way to communicate something, that solves a situation, that just tends to happen every now and then! Or it would be beautiful, if apologies hadn't turned into a literal minefield.

Both offline and online, theres millions of situations a day where people utter the words "I'm sorry". Maybe they accidentally ran into someone, maybe they said something particularly nasty during an argument, or maybe they committed a crime and are currently facing their victim in a courtroom.

The reasons why someone may feel like an apology is warranted will be individual, but theres certain situations in which it is societally expected to offer an apology (people would also say you "owe" that apology to someone in those situations).

And while, as previously mentioned, I can acknowledge that apologizing is a good communication tool that benefits the ways in which we live & interact together, I have really big issues with how apologies are dictated nowadays.

Because your apology is going to be perceived as "insincere" and "worthless" if it doesn't conform to certain standards. Those standards change wildly and are never actually globally applicable, they are deeply deeply individual.

And before you try to tear me apart, I'm not saying that you don't get to have individual standards for an apology. Like god no, PLEASE have individual standards! Please take a deep dive into your brain and explore what you need from someone in order to be able to trust them again & forgive them! Its so so so important to be in tune with your individual emotional needs and its also important, that you surround yourself with people who are capable of meeting those needs.

Now you might ask yourself where my problem with it is then and its right in that first sentence. I have a problem with the fact, that apologies are seen as "insincere" and "worthless" if they do not conform to the standards of the person reading it.

Who are you to determine whether someone is sincere about something they say? Who are you to decide what someones intent behind that apology actually is?

The thing is, that you don't know. You never, ever know. You can't look in their brain, you don't see their thoughts. What you see are learned patterns.

If you've been confronted with people who apologize by explaining their actions in that apology and they all went back on their word, you may start to think, that that is a definitive sign, that someones apology is insincere. Because it feels that way to you and you have spotted the pattern.

And like I said, its so goddamn good, that you figured it out for yourself, that someone putting an explanation in their apology, is what makes you feel like they don't mean it! Thats important info you uncovered about your feelings, but it says nothing about the worth or sincerity of their apology.

Their apology could be 100% sincere and it could have taken them the biggest effort to offer it up and it could still feel lax and insincere to you. Doesn't mean it is, because it simply doesn't work like that. Your feelings towards something do not determine its existence. A flower you feel hate towards, isn't an inherently shitty flower. A color you hate, isn't an inherently disgusting color.

Your feelings towards something are valid and you should have them and you get to have them, but you do not get to decide, that that is now a global rule that applies to everybody and that no one is allowed to like that flower, or that color and be alright with its existence.

What you do get to do, is communicate your feelings. You get to look at that person who apologized to you and you get to say "hey, I appreciate that you apologized! I personally need people to apologize without giving me an explanation, as that makes it feel insincere to me. If you want to stay around me, I'll require that from you in the future, okay?"

If that other person would like to stay around you and/or wants you to accept that apology/potentially forgive them, they'll have to accept your boundaries and wishes and gear those apologies towards your needs as much as they can.

If they do not want to stay around you, or have their apology accepted and/or they are (for whatever reason) simply not able/comfortable with your style of apologies, they get to communicate that and either they get to stand up and leave, or you get to communicate that this is non negotiable for you and then you get to stand up and leave.

But what neither of you gets to do, is call the other person "bad", "an asshole", "insincere" or anything similar to that, simply because they cannot/do not want to meet your individual needs.

Let me repeat that:

You get to have your individual apology needs and wishes. You get to ask for those to be fulfilled. You get to kick people out of your life if they do not.

Other people get to have problems meeting your individual needs and wishes. They get to communicate that. They get to leave too and refuse to offer up an improved apology.

None of that will determine in any way how sincere the apology was to begin with and as long as the apology happened, no one gets to drag the other person down for having a different way of handling it. Person 1 doesn't get to drag Person 2 for refusing to offer a perfect apology and Person 2 doesn't get to drag Person 1 for having & upholding their boundaries.

That is something I deeply believe and I also believe that going against this principle, is something that fuels a lot of online fights and debates.

Theres multiple reasons why someone may not be able to or may not feel comfortable offering up anything beyond their personal style of apology:

• they might have a hard time admitting their fault to begin with and need to do it on their terms

• they may not be able to feel sorry in an emotional way/may lack remorse

• they might still be processing the situation and do not feel comfortable giving details on their thought process until they're done going trough it all

• they may still be feeling a lot of big emotions that are in the way of anything beyond a basic acknowledgement

• they may have never learned to offer up any other way of an apology

• they may not think they are at fault and therefore do not feel alright with doing anything beyond the basic societal expectation

• they may have made had bad experiences with apolgies before and have only been believed if they explain themselves or if they use certain phrases, etc.

• and like...a million other things that are all equally valid

Theres also multiple reasons why someone may need an apology to be specific and cannot handle anyone elses style of apologizing:

• they may have made bad experiences with certain types of apologies

• they may have build a belief construct in which certain requirements need to be fulfilled in order for it to fit

• they may have a fear of abandonment and need to hear certain words/phrases

• they may need to be in control of the situation and dictate whats happening

• they may have learned that there is only one correct style of apologizing and struggle to see validity in other styles

• they may have been brought up around certain values that they need to see reflected in that apology

• and also like a million other equally valid things

Theres reasons why people ask others to correct their apologies and theres reasons why people cannot or do not want to and all that is okay and valid and wouldn't be as much of a problem, if we'd all just communciate and grasp, that we're asking for our personal needs to be met and can just kick people out of our lifes if they do not/cannot.

What we don't get to do, is drag other peoples attempts and villanize them, just because we personally have negative feelings towards them or their apology. Our feelings do not get to determine their reality. They determine our reality.

Trying to enforce rules globally (which especially happens online), that apologies can never contain explanations, that apologies need to always contain "I- statements", that the person has to feel true remorse, that they can only do it in written form, that they need to make you able to comment on it directly, etc. is harmful goddamn bullshit.

As I said, you get to have those as individual requirements and wishes. Those get to be your emotional needs and you get to feel as if an apology is not enough for you and you get to act accordingly in terms of whether you allow that person to be part of your life or not. But you have no business labeling them or their apology as inherently "insincere", "worthless", "bad" or anything like that. Thats not your call to make. Your call is "that apology does not meet my individual needs therefore I'm not accepting it and I'm not allowing that person in my life anymore", but thats it.

And I'm pretty much 90% sure, that most of you have never actually thought about what you're implying when you call apologies "insincere" or drag peoples apologies trough the mud, as if they failed to meet some big global standard. But don't worry, I'll tell you, thats what I'm here for:

• you're insulting their language capabilities & possibly their own cultural ways of offering apologies

• you're judging their ability to feel emotions

• you're blaming them for things they might not have chosen and may not have found a way to deal with

• you're punishing them for not knowing better

• you're publically calling them incapable

• you're reducing them as a person to your expectations and whether they meet them or not

• you're enforcing a standard born out of your individual needs without checking if you're currently trampling over other peoples needs

Its very likely, that you're not doing any of that intentionally! Instead you're probably just hurt and don't have your emotional needs met and thats a valid way to feel, but it does not excuse the harm you are now causing by trying to make everyone conform to what you want, without any regard for them as people.

Truth is, they apologized. They did their societal communication duty. They acknowledged their mistake that way and they made sure you heard them do it. "I'm sorry" / "I apologize" is a complete sentence.

Whether that apology is sincere or not, is only something the person offering it up will know. Their ability to feel or not feel remorse, the way they stated or did not state it, their behavior or lack thereof afterwards, doesn't tell you that for certain.

So could we please stop pretending as if theres this global rule all apologies have to conform to and just acknowledge that we're hurt, because it doesn't meet our own emotional needs and learn to communicate that, instead of pointing at it, screaming "bad!!! :((("? I think we're ready for that, or at least I genuinely hope so, because if I have to see one more post about how an apology was insincere, just because they happened to say "I am sorry it caused you hurt" instead of "I'm sorry I hurt you", I think I'll actually scream.

Long story short:

• "I'm sorry" (or a similar equivalent) is a full sentence and fulfills your societal duty of acknowledging your mistake

• Everyone gets to have individual apology standards and gets to have boundaries as to how far the people around them need to fulfill those, in order to be allowed around them!

• No one gets to try to dictate global apology standards (this whole post is me communicating my feelings about this. not a mannual to act after), because your needs aren't the global standard everyone needs to conform to everywhere. Chances are you're unintentionally insulting others, by trying to enforce that.

• Theres valid reasons for needing "perfect" apologies and valid reasons for refusing them. As long as an apology of any kind was given, no one is the villain/bad person here or needs to be dragged and insulted.

• You will never know the feelings and reasons behind other peoples behaviors and apologies for said behavior. Thinking that you do and that you can determine their sincerity without fail, is baffling to me and if you really could comprehend the complexity of humans like that, you should run for office or be a psychologist cus damn could you save us a lot of trouble.

first posted on my instagram (same @)

[wisp-wandering]

For those of you who don't understand Taco’s complex character, think she's a straight up terrible person, or just want to know my view on her... this is the chapter for you! I will be going over analysis, psychology facts, and head cannons that align with her character.

Let's start with copy and pastes with Ideas I've already conveyed in other media's;

(This is me):

How come nobody here actually sees II in the light of a *REALITY SHOW*. A thing that's meant to bring out the worst in people? Like genuinely it makes me so frustrated that people can't see that. Characters like Steve Cobs/Walkie/Springy have no excuse, as they were never shoved into the environment. But the Gameshow was not only nonconsensual but offers 1 MILLION DOLLARS. in the light of 2011? THATS A LOT OF DAMN MONEY. most gameshows offer 10k, or 100k? 1 MILLION IS A LOT. Just to put it into perspective try to imagine the difference between 100k and 1Mil in marbles.  the human brain simply can't process that high of a number.

Onto the psychological effects. IT CAN PUT HIGH STRESS ON IT'S CONTESTANTS. and I'm just gonna say it right now. What Balloon, Trophy, and Taco did isn't that bad. LIKE I SWEAR. PSYCHOLOGICALLY IT MAKES SENSE FOR THEM TO USE STRATEGY LIKE THIS. The only thing I'll call Them out on was their rude comments and nature after the fact, but you also have to realize it's to exaggerate their negative antagonism towards the other contestants. In a game show like that it invokes behaviours that would otherwise not be part of their character. Trophy can be seen being a better person once not in the Gameshow. Cheesy was rude as shit until he wasn't in the Gameshow, Balloon reflected on his character when he wasn't in the Gameshow, Taco— oh! Would you look at that! Became better when she wasn't in a game show! Sure she acted shitty in some cases, but that was when money was still put on the line. I'm absolutely furious people can't realize that the Gameshow invokes that behaviour. Nobody cancels people from survivor when they act shitty. In fact, they Invited the shitty people TO PLAY AGAIN??? AND PEOPLE ROOTED FOR THEM??? People actually need to look at it from a bigger perspective.

Taco has conveyed the thing I've believed and tried to communicate on multiple occasions. THE GAMESHOW BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN PEOPLE!!! The only problem is that SHE DOESNT BELIEVE SHE HERSELF IS EFFECTED SIMILARLY. She's been berated and convinced she's a horrible person, and that she needs to act the way she does because that's who she is. Taco probably thinks she deserves what she's gotten, and was always too scared to confront Pickle directly. She probably thinks she needs to have circumstance around her change in order for her too aswell, considering how she wanted to go back with the Time Machine, but, when confronted by Mepad she denied it. I feel like the plot is pointing towards a situation where she tries to save everyone, and when confronted by Microphone she breaks down and curses herself out for being a horrible person, friend, and other things similar. Microphone and Pickle. Creating a situation where they show Taco that the game made her the way she was too. That she didn't have to be the villain.

Notice how Taco never blamed Mephone directly for the shortcomings of others? Sure she did say it was for his entertainment, but never that it was his fault. She blamed the game. Something NO OTHER VILLAIN HAS DONE. She taking account for her mistakes, THINKING ITS HER. And not stressful circumstances! She doesn't understand she's not a villain, She's just *human* (or object for that matter). A living breathing being. Mistakes don't make you the bad guy.

Also saying Taco has no will to make try and apologize for the sake of others is stupid too. She clearly wants to. She REALLY does. She's scared to hurt them, she's scared she will hurt the again.

(Spoilers for a Spider-Man no way home)

Its a similar trip to what happens at the end of Spider-Man NWH, she isn't going back because she thinks she's protecting them from herself. She genuinely believes she ruins everything she touches. She tried to do so by sabotaging the challenge!

Taco didn't really manipulate Microphone—??? I know what you're gonna say. "Ohh!! Wisp! Yes she did!!!" But— I mean... Rewatching it? If she is— it's... more of peer pressure than direct manipulation??? I mean. She never forced Microphone to do anything. Applauded her input... LET MICROPHONE LEAVE? There was no guilt tripping or alienation, Direct threats to Microphone and her friends. It was more so pressure about the game. Which was— probably Taco perceiving herself as still in the competition. Needing to out smart the others to get Microphone further. Taco seemed to admire Microphone's pacifist nature after a while. And I believe when she Attacked the aliens in ii14, she acted out of blind fear, like an unexpected twist in a challenge. You could tell her initial reaction wasn't malice, it was more of a natural response. She was more protecting Microphone than anything else. Trying to get her out as fast as possible.

I myself have been through a manipulative relationship, and... While I know all experiences aren't the same.

It doesn't feel malicious. Taco felt genuine. She wants to protect others from her own mistakes and herself. She's unknowingly putting others first! She doesn't even realize it! Taco is trying to be a villain only to mistakenly be good, and when she tries to be a hero, she's mistakenly bad... I feel bad for her. She doesn't understand she... Has it right now. It's sad...

What about the situation with balloon?

Well...

She tried to convince Mic to harm him, but never threatened Microphone or herself. Nor did she try to alienate balloon to make it more appealing. Taco pointed out a situation and gave a morally Grey solution. But she never forced Microphone to go with it, she just warned her of potential consequences.

People often mistake her strategy with manipulation. When... Taco didn't really manipulate anyone. She pretended, and provided input. Knowing actions have consequences from her own experience.

Taco is experiencing the "illusionary truth effect" otherwise known as "gaslighting":

(Online statements)

—...However, repetition itself should not serve as a signal of truth, since it does not add anything new to the conversation in terms of credibility. For this reason, the repetition bias is also called the "illusory truth effect"

the fact that repeated presentation of information or items typically leads to better memory for the material. The repetition effect is a general principle of learning, although there are exceptions and modifiers

In relationships, an abusive person may use gaslighting to isolate their partner, undermine their confidence, and make them easier to control. For example, they might tell someone they are irrational until the person starts to think it must be true.

It is a psychological FACT that if one, or other's repeatedly give you information, even if it's false, eventually your mind will begin to perceive it as true. It's why bullying can negatively effect someone, or even just simply saying, "hey fatty" as a joke. Even if you're the skinniest human being on the planet, If you or another says say it enough, the subconscious will inevitably perceive it as true, despite if you know it's false. Even something stupid, like, "The sky is red." Well, no. The sky is blue. You think. But, if someone were to bash that into your skull every day. Ranting on about how the sky IS RED. You're mind will betray your knowledge.

Everyone constantly talks about her in a bad light. Say she's horrible. A good for nothing liar. She's going to perceive it to be true in the end. And she has...

Saying Taco is nothing but a terrible person, and a villain just isn't true. She's an Anti hero, anti villain AT WORST. Not to mention her childish decisions and mind sets make her seem in her teen years, as per my head canons. That only makes her mind MORE malleable and vulnerable. Taco is a complicated Character. But that doesn't mean she's the worst human on the planet. Please, if you don't agree with what I've said, before you berate me, rewatch the show, or atleast look up the psychological effects and other such I included in this rant. I may add onto this in the future, so keep an eye out for a future Taco analysis.

Thank you for your time.

[darkcacaocookieandfriends]

So, I wrote all of this on discord buuuutt... since I haven't said anything about my Licorice muse I should post it here. This is also in regards to a redemption AU, so take that as bonus content So...uh, Licorice headcanons or maybe just how I generally see him plus redemption AU stuff. Apologies if they seem rambley and aimless. This is just a copy paste from my original posts. I was writing these as I was cooking so they may be scatter-brained.

Licorice has this weird middle ground and to me, his character is based a lot on the traits of being unsure of himself, projecting his pain as anger and being generally dealt a pretty shit hand in life and wanting to be accepted or even just recognized. Gonna explain my headcanons first so this makes sense.

At one time he wanted to be a wizard but 'never received the recognition he so rightfully deserved' whatever that means. It's real vague so I'm going to say he was either a really shitty wizard and got laughed at or he was never taken seriously and gave up trying to be better…maybe a combo of all of those things, so he turned to black magic.

Black magic in general is a very misunderstood thing and often demonized by cultures who only know it as 'voodoo and hexes/curses'. I feel like he probably shares a kindredship with it, feeling like a misunderstood person himself. I feel he probably takes comfort in it in that regard. It's something misunderstood and stigmatized by many, labeled as being inherently evil.

When he met Dark Enchantress it's said he was astonished by her power. When you think about it, DE was everything he longed to be - powerful enough to command armies, a confident force with the recognition of so many. Someone who could move mountains. Someone that could get him what he wanted - recognition and respect. Someone who fed his most basic desire - to be revered and confident.

In doing that, his desire for power slowly morphed into gaining praise from this enchantress he so admired, but never being able to please her. Thus, he'd work harder to gain the same results which fostered frustration and his many complaints masking how insecure and sad he actually is.

His lyrics in Bad and Dark as ZZ Skull back that up. Wrote a diary with my own tears, misery and disgrace (Sick of it, sick of it) Sir, are you okay?

In many aspects, Licorice and Choco Werehound Brute are two peas in a pod, bolstering themselves up to appear more foreboding than what they are. In many ways Licorice is stuck in a weird loop of being ambitious but never reaching his goal through the constant disapproval of Dark Enchantress, who probably knows if she gives him what he wants that he'll no longer see a use as being her servant and uses it to her advantage to keep him under her belt.

Why give him what he wants when she can foster his frustrations to make him work harder? To everyone else, it's obvious she doesn't value him too highly to send him to do menial tasks and not really trust him with anything too taxing. No doubt he sees that and it's why he harbors such negative feelings for people like Pomegranate and Dark Choco.

Looking at it objectively he's such a miserable person, really.

Which is why ultimately to have something close to a redemption would mean he'd have to lose everything yet again, which means prying him away from Dark Enchantress and taking the rose-tinted glasses off of his face to make him realize he was never anything to her and his only outcomes would be to be used as canon fodder or be crumbled without ever getting the one thing he so desperately wanted.

What goes in his favor is the fact that a redemption is possible to do, as Licorice is a pretty nice guy to people he sees as friends. But hoo boy he's going to be in such denial about it and probably have a breakdown. I mean, this is a guy who's dedicated everything just to be acknowledged. Having that all stripped away when it's essentially his only goal would result in a lot of things on his end - feeling like a fool, feeling betrayed, feeling destitute, like he has nothing. Who is he now? What goals does he even have to pursue? All he ever wanted was respect, and now he can't have that without his purpose, he's hollow. Sure, he's not being used anymore, but I don't think he'd see it as a positive thing. I feel he'd see it through the lens of another grand failure, another attempt at something that never happened. He sacrificed everything and got nothing. He reaps the consequences of becoming a bad guy, working for DE. Everything he's ever tried up to this point only resulted in his own despair and realization of worthlessness.

He seems like the kind of guy who'd wander around aimlessly instead of take the redemption path right away. Instead of trying to heal and realizing he's not a washed up has-been and has the capability of doing something productive.

But I think in a lot of ways, someone befriending him and trying to make him see how fucked up his situation is would be an interesting take on getting him a redemption, since he does care about cookies he befriends…but boyo the denial stage would be something fierce. Since it's all he has, I feel like he'd fight for that delusion.

I think he sorta goes through the stages of grief during the aftermath of this hypothetical situation..

he feels sad and betrayed and wonders what it was all for

2. he has no real direction for a while because he based his life around serving DE

3. he feels like he can't just sit around and do nothing and more than likely turns to the friends he has for suggestions and essentially asks 'what can I do to feel like I'm worth something again?'

4. finds he has avenues to do what he wants, he could be a wizard or continue the dark arts and use them to help his friends, maybe learn that he doesn't need to prove anything to anyone and that he has people who do genuinely find value in him, enough to get him away from DE. That those were the people who saw value in him - not for what he could do but for who he was.

I think that's an important thing for him to learn.

------ All of this was me ranting to a friend so...here take my Licorice headcanons. Enjoy them? I think.

[weemietime]

As an anon i’m sure this comes across as troll-y, but i thought i should say smth: you are entirely within your right to be angry about antisemitism but saying a black man deserved to be got by nazis because they’re “his people now” is a bit past the line, man. I think his perspective is deeply shitty too but wishing that kind of horror on him is kinda fucked up.

You've got good values and i’ve seen you be supportive of people growing and changing but its kinda feeling like you’re veering into something violent. I won’t say it’s not valid - god knows jewish folks have been through the ringer - but i do worry about you. The way you’ve been writing has veered a bit into the reactionary sphere and its - i dunno. It doesn’t seem like you. (I say, as a stranger, but nonetheless).

again, i know i’m on anon so my opinion means jackshit, but i hope you’re doing alright, and that maybe there would be some value in a soul search. If you feel this is a necessary path, that’s your call, but i thought you deserved someone asking if this is what you want - i understand what it’s like to escape a hateful mindset, and i know that it creeps back up on you when you’re not watching, even when you work hard to fight it and be kind. You are kind, even if the world isn’t kind back. I hope you are well, whatever you end up doing.

To be completely honest, you are right, here. It was a shit thing to say and I apologize for it. It was more intended in the spirit of calling him a Nazi, like a stupid little zinger, rather than wishing for actual harm to come to him. I did edit it to better reflect my meaning, but I did initially say that. Either way, at the end of the day, constant exposure to this stuff has a cumulatively negative impact. It doesn't matter what your position is, too much of this content is damaging and it begins to show in moments like this. It's very easy to slip into anger and frustration, especially when you lack face-to-face interaction as I frequently do. Because it's online, and off-the-cuff, impulsive statements like that are just something you can fire off without really thinking it all the way through. Talking about these issues here is my way of doing my part, but it's important not to drift into vitriol and spite and hate - and I was fairly careless, there. I have started to get mired down in reactionary gobbledygook. And I'll be real, I suspect this is very common. But especially for someone like me, who has a history of indoctrination, I try to really keep an even keel when it comes to this shit. You don't have to worry about coming across as a troll, or that your opinion means jack-shit. It was a needed push back onto the right track of things, and I appreciate it. I hope you're having a good day, 'non! It's rough when you got a brain made out of spaghetti, lol. And obviously, this stuff isn't intended to excuse anything, but hopefully by publishing this and detailing what happened other people can avoid similar pitfalls.

[girlgenius1111]

ohhh god that is so relatable. i’ve always been a crier when i get angry and i’ll never forget the time i was maybe ten and fighting with my parents because i was mad at them about something and my mom told me to stop crying so we could have a mature conversation. i don’t even remember what i was mad at my parents about, but i do remember that that was the day that i internalized that i didn’t deserve to be listened to if i was visibly upset and that showing negative emotion = immature and now i’m 24 and to this day can count on one hand the number of times i’ve cried in front of someone since. (that’s not the only time she said that tbf but i’ll never forget how confused and unseen i felt that first time and every time she said it after that when we fought it just became more internalized)

i also, relatedly, wanted to have a baby so fucking bad when i was a teenager. like i was out here watching teen mom content on youtube for hours and plotting how i, a raging lesbian, could get pregnant at like 15. and i will also never forget the day that i realized that that was actually because i had such shitty parents and i couldn’t figure out how to make them be good parents so my brain decided it’s ok! i can just be a good parent myself instead! and really what i needed was not to pop out an actual human infant while i was basically still one myself, but to go to fucking therapy and reparent my inner child.

anywho, my sincerest apologies for the small trauma dump but your post was very relatable and i thought you might find this relatable too. adults forever traumatized by childhood fights their parents unite 🫡❤️

no this is so relatable.

i think about that all the time now. how my parents would tell me to stop crying so we could talk, or yell back at me because "i yelled first," or expected me to act like an adult when i was literally just a kid.

the way i hated myself for years because i just assumed they were always right? because they told me they were? and if they were always right, i was always wrong. which meant i argued for no reason, caused them stress for no reason. which made me bad.

i don't think i even really started to think that maybe i wasn't an awful person until like... last year. and my brain grew up and finally realized that i shouldn't have had to be perfect to feel loved. and i shouldn't have been held to the standards of an adult when i was a kid.

maybe it's because im getting older and i no longer feel like a kid. and i look at pictures of young me and cannot wrap my head around how thoroughly that little girl hated herself. she was so young and just completely convinced that she wasn't a good person. but it just really hits me sometimes where i'm like... oh. that wasn't how i was supposed to feel.

and i really love my parents. and i know they love me. but sometimes i wonder what i'd be like if they had done things differently. like how successful could i be if i didn't spend most of my time thinking about all the things ive ever done wrong?

[a-tale-never-told]

What Am I Doing?

//I have to admit something: I don't even know what I'm writing anymore. Honestly, I'm trying to write something compelling yet definitive for this story, yet I feel like I keep constantly failing to even write a single ask or chapter that can be considered good now.

//And the worst part is: I don't even know why the chapters are like this. Was it something that I was doing wrong? The writing? The dialogue? All of the above? Am I a shitty writer? I DON'T KNOW! I seriously cannot comprehend what I'm even writing about.

//I think I know the reason why the writing is like this and why the quality has taken a nosedive: It's because I haven't planned this arc out, nor the ideas for future arcs as of writing this story. Whenever I have any interesting idea for an arc or story part that I wanna write, I instantly forget it the next day once I awaken. Maybe it's because of some cognitive brain disease that I can't remember, but when I wake up, I instantly lose all of the ideas that I once possessed.

//And another issue that I encountered is that I don't even know how to write an actual conversation between these characters anymore, let alone the more complex ones. The recent asks have some of the most bland, generic, characterization I've ever seen, and aside from bringing up Harumi in one ask and mentioning All Quiet On The Western Front in another, when has there been an ask that was ever written well?

//Sure, I'm receiving a lot of anonymous asks, but what's even the point of it if the writing isn't even that good to begin with? When had any conversation in this story felt actually realistic and well written, aside from a few instances? Another issue is that I cannot write every single character at once, as it is so fucking hard. I legitimately was confused about what I was writing, if this character was Hajime, Sonia, or Mahiru.

//I never expected to handle that many characters in this blog, but when I look at the All Eyes On Me arc from ASOOT( which is incredibly well written, by the way. I recommend you check it out) and when the New Future drops a new chapter, I look at my own and think "What am I even doing? The absolute lack of uniqueness for almost the rest of the characters and iconic personality traits makes the entire thing look poorly executed sludge, in my opinion.

//I'm not trying to constantly sound negative with these posts, but thanks to the crippling depression I have, I, unfortunately, go off into absolute self-loathing rants that I'd probably forget once I woke up the next morning. I apologize if I neglected to tell you that I suffer from depression earlier, but at least I gave you an explanation as to why I break down like this, as opposed to some people thinking that I'm a whiny little asshole.

//But the biggest issue for me is that after looking at everything and how each of my posts for the story was received, I came to a realization that I don't even know what I'm writing anymore: I can't write, at least not in this state. I don't even have the confidence to write a simple ask anymore, as I don't even know what I'm writing exactly.

//Honestly, 2023 is such a shit year for me, both on the story blog front and on the personal front as well, constantly struggling to pass heavy schoolwork, having issues to deal with, and my constant depression and memory loss are hurting my ability to even give you all compelling, quality level writing, and with a mental state like this, I don't even know what I'm even saying or talking about.

//I'm pathetic, a shitty writer, and I just... want to be left alone right now, okay? I just... need a lot of time to process my thoughts. Have a good rest of the evening everyone.

[loverwrites]

Am I in the wrong here:

My friend told me I was messed up for getting funyuns and coffee as a snack. I than said what’s wrong with that and whatever. She’s like you’re just weird and fucked up for getting that. Than I’m like you watch messed up stuff bla bla and she says do you have a fucked up brain and I said no…she said along the lines thats normal to watch messed up stuff. Than she said shut up. Anyways I said well I don’t understand why you are judging me on something very stupid.

I than said i think there was a stop sign back there and she yelled at me and said “Do you want to drive you judgmental bitch.” Im like ok…i just gave her the silent treatment and she never apologized. Like i have a right to be upset right

at first i thought this was a joke because who makes fun of someone’s choice in food (unless it’s pickles. i hate pickles) you are not in the wrong. this friend sounds shitty ! the name bitch should never be used when referring to a friend, personally i hate when people call me that, even my best friend who i’ve known for over a decade. they know to never call me bitch it’s a line i drew very early in our relationship. i think this “friend” is taking advantage of your friendship and clearly does not value you as a person. drop them! please do not surround yourself with people who make you feel any negative emotion.

[morphringwiselove]

im trying to fucking calm my damn brain down i feel like a shitty friend for not being able to get past the tutorial quest in monster hunter world

the damn game doesn't save once you enter astera it saves after the jagra mission (i think so anyway, my game stutters like crazy, drops to 2-4 fps while the audio is burning my ears) and i literally cant finish it due to not having a good enough system to run the game

i know he doesnt really mind that much since hes busy playing wilds but i feel horrible for not following up on that promise

im guessing the reason why im reacting like this is due to the build up stress and errands i have to run

im supposed to go visit workforce services later today to see if i could get outside help concerning my job and tomorrow i have to make sure everything is less "cluttered" for the inspection.

me apologizing to him is probably sending my brain into internal screaming mode because oh fuck a one-on-one texting social interaction went negatively (i disappointed someone, but he told me its ok and to stop worrying but my brain isnt listening and i dont want to bug him any further)

i want to try and balance it out by just dming someone a random question about btd, ocs or hell just something silly but even then social interaction is both confusing and exhausting for me. its why online im always screaming into the void

i need to get the anxiety out my system fuck

[timeoverload]

I just wanted to say that I'm not upset anymore about what happened last weekend. I honestly don't have the energy to be angry about anything right now. I realize I never said anything else about it so I'm sorry. I apologize for freaking out. I figured it would be best if I took some time to calm down anyway.

I don't want to be a downer but I'm having a bad week again. I could use a hug right now. I need to talk about stuff because I was having bad thoughts when I was driving home. It has been super busy. Everything is a disaster. Every morning this week I've walked in to find a mess. There are 4 people off this week so that has made things worse. Of course everyone is in a shitty mood and pissed off. I worked 11 hours Monday and Tuesday and 12 today. Almost everyone has been forced to work overtime.

The new computer system isn't making anything easier because it crashes all the time and there are a lot of problems with it. The morning team lead was super pissed off about it this morning. He was throwing a tantrum and yelling. He was trying to record the results for a biological test and the system wouldn't let him because no one logged the information for the control when they put it into the incubator. I was trying to get him to calm down and all he needed to do was put a new control vial into the incubator but he wouldn't listen to me. I offered to open decontam for him because I wanted an excuse to get away even though I still had a ton of stuff to get set up. I get anxious whenever I'm around someone acting aggressively even if their frustration isn't directed towards me.

I think everyone is super tired and people are making a lot of mistakes so we had to flash a bunch of instruments earlier. Somehow I haven't made any major mistakes considering I'm very sleep-deprived so that's good at least.

I remember mentioning a while back that 2 of my co-workers are dating and they fight all the time. It hasn't gotten any better. Today she came up to me and asked me how to get away from an abusive partner because she knew I had been in a similar situation. I was shocked because I didn't realize it was that bad but everything is starting to make sense now. She's dating the same guy that acted really creepy towards me a few months ago. He has always given me bad vibes and I was right not to trust him. He's very manipulative and controlling. I gave her advice and reminded her that she can text me any time. I am going to do my best to help her as much as I can. I'm not afraid to tell him to fuck off if I have to because I've already done it once. It's going to be difficult for her to get away from him since they work the same hours. I'm just glad they don't live together but I really hope he doesn't do anything crazy. I feel horrible for her and no one deserves to get treated that way. I hope things get better for her.

Anyway, the past few days have been a blur. I am glad tomorrow is my Friday. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through the day but I know I will. I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

I know I need to try to relax but I'm having a tough time. I can't shut my brain off. I haven't been eating enough this week so it's making me feel like shit too. I wish I had more of an appetite. I will force myself to eat something soon. I am so achy right now. My neck is bothering me a lot and it feels like someone is stabbing needles into my vertebra. I just want to feel better.

I'm sorry for being so negative and complaining so much. I have to talk about stuff so I don't explode.

I still have a lot to do before I go to bed unfortunately. I hope I can get stuff done quickly because I need to try to decompress for a while. I can't focus anymore so I should probably stop writing now. It would be nice if I could go to sleep at a decent time because I'm so tired.

Thank you all for listening to me vent. I really appreciate it. I hope everyone has a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

[spicycowboyhole]

posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:

idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.

what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.

for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.

but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.

some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF

i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??

jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn

ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.

ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them

[lunarmochi]

lately, i think i've been... doing a little better. or at least, in one aspect.

after making a few friends and joining a community, i've felt happier. my new hyperfixation has allowed me to meet new people, feel part of a community, and make some baby steps. being social and talking to people is still hard, but i think i'm doing okay. having people to bond with over the same thing, as well as having even 1-2 people that interact with my posts feels good. some days are better than others, but i think having people around me makes it a little more bearable.

but... it also makes me feel guilty. having a hyperfixation and diverting a lot of my time and energy toward that, instead of other things. i'm happy, but i feel guilty and shitty for not talking to my other friends more. updating them about my life, if they even care. as much as i'm happy, it doesn't feel worth it when i beat myself up for not talking to everyone at every second 24/7. if anything, i feel like an asshole for not talking to people more.

in every other aspect of my life, i haven't changed. i can blab on about mental health and social life online as much as i want, but i'm still as useless as ever. i've been too focused on school, my hyperfixation, and resting that i haven't found a job yet. i've barely made progress on college transfer things, too. i hate myself for it.

i keep comparing myself to everyone around me. i'm struggling with mental health and need time to rest? no, there's someone that's infinitely more busy and functioning despite struggling a lot with theirs. that's a main one. as much as i have moments where i feel proud of myself for making little steps, it feels too humiliating to even take pride in them knowing that everyone around me is achieving so much more.

on the topic of my hyperfixation, sometimes i don't even want to ramble about it to my other friends. whether it be because i'm afraid they'll judge me, show no care at all, spin it into a conversation about them and how they don't like it, whatever. rambling about something knowing that the other person isn't invested makes me feel uncomfortable. when the response is something my brain perceives as rejection or hate? i deal with it infinitely worse. it's all in my head, most of the time. almost no one would actually say those things, but it feels like it. i'm the only one that's really happy about what i'm talking about, so what's the point?

this was supposed to be a light-hearted post talking about the good things happening lately, but instead it turned into a vent. maybe a consequence of not opening up about my feelings to anyone or anything.

i'm not going to act like my life is all happy sunshine and rainbows after finding a community to be in, because it's not. i don't need to validate the fact that i'm still struggling, because i know that i am. i am a bit happier, but i'm still allowed to say and feel that i'm struggling.

i'm sorry for the negativity. i still can't help but apologize for venting and opening up on here, no matter how much time passes. after people emphasized the fact that people can see what i post and talk about on here (pointedly toward my vents), it's never felt like a safe space anymore. just so people have one less post about someone talking about how much they're struggling on their dashboard, i will continue to refrain.

[tylerjeauxburreaux9]

Ok, I learned my lesson, sticking up for a fic writer, it will just make things worse, and I just try to even things out with, but yk what, It’s not worth, even if I try to apologize or be nice, they away got something to say, and they always hold grudges against me or judging me and saying bad shit about me, and amuse shit about, and say I’m weird… all bc of what my age(which is very petty) because I did nothing to them, but made compliments in good notes on them and stood up for them, even when we had break out and fall, and I said I was sorry a million times, and one of them (she knows who she is) keeps unblocking me and bullying me and saying nasty shit to me, when I said I will leave them alone, on top of that made an assumption about me, but it’s cool, but yet again I’m in the wrong because of age(which is very petty) so I’m just gonna leave it alone because I’m honestly tired of this, so called bullshit, I'm to calm and collected for this, and I’m honestly done with this bullshit

It's pointless ( you don't have to worry about me saying nice shit or standing for y'all ever again, though we had our fallouts, I never did not wrong to y'all so you know what IDC and you can kiss my ass)

P.S: I’m not jealous of your goddamn friendship, I want nothing to do with y’all and also reading a fic and saying good things and reposting and tagging your name and telling people to check out your fics because I honestly believe you are talented, etc good things is not harassment and being weird it’s called being nice and praising… fyi .. if I was, I would have said weird shi and neg you about weird shit bullied you and said shitty things about your fic and said they sucked and called you weird for making fics about celebrity you like, that means and I’m not a mean person, but since you wanna make me a mean person and make it a problem because of my age and say I‘m weird and made y’all uncomfortable and shi, but I wasn't weird and uncomfortable when we were having a nice conversation, and you interacting with me then and didn't know my age but now, it's a problem, now I‘m weird and shit, what’s the problem because it doesn't make sense make it make sense.

I thought reading was for the brain and to learn things, to make you smart like a brain exercise so you can keep reading..

Reading is reading no matter what type of book or fanfiction it is!

This shit is stupid I don't care anymore, and if you got a problem with come dm me, so I can tell how stupid you sound with bullshit coming out of your mouth, then say idc because I don't so point

And for my readers, I don't care what age you are, you should be able to read what you love and enjoy, don’t let your body tell you what to read, because I promise you that shit sounds so stupid coming out of someone mouths, they have no rights to tell you what to do ( fyi that’s not harassment and what they say is straight bullshit)because I promise you, there’s barely even anyone come on tumbler and stupid shit to them, and if so it there fucking anon, so ignore them if they try to tell someone stupid as this because it's 100% bullshit..,

I’m tired of this shit and the minor DNI bullshit! It just fucking fic

I never heard shut bullshit ass this!

Rant over!

Fyi this is not for everyone ( The ones who see this will know )

Punk ass bullshit, shit piss me off, and the fact that I let it get to me is bullshit and sad, but I said what I said. This shit is bullshit we are only just human stop being fucking petty.

It's pointless and bullshit

We are fucking harmless.

Ugh

PSA:

It is so unfair for a fic writer to get hate just because they write fic…leave them alone they did nothing to u and you wonder why they so quick to deactivate their account just leave them alone … if-you’re going to hate on their fics then don’t read them unless your fan and you sitting here just to bringing hate towards them …hating for no reason .. it stupid like grow up and do something better with yourself instead of hating/judging someone based off something they loving do..

Stop hating and go do something else better with yourself

[husbandograveyard]

This is part of the Awkward Fluff Collab I am doing with @burnthoneymint​ and @some-piece​ (who made the banner!). Prompt: I don’t know how to flirt so I asked a friend for advice. They gave me this really shitty pick-up line but I am desperate. Requested by: @hanajimasama

2nd person. fem reader. A language warning is in order. There's some f-bombs and other swearing. It's Kid, what did you expect?

Kid was not romantic. Not in any sense of the word. Usually, that didn’t bother him one bit, he didn’t really need any romance to be a feared, strong and bloodthirsty pirate. He was a capable captain, with a crew he was proud of. No need for romance. That was, until you joined. 

He didn’t know what had made him fall, but you had a magnetic power that seemed to be stronger than even his devil fruit and there was nothing he could do to stop it. It frustrated him to no end, and it frustrated him even more when all Killer could advise him to do was to ‘act on his feelings’ and that he was pretty sure ‘she had been checking you out as well’. He wanted a solution to make the feelings go away, not something that would make it worst. 

So Kid decided to do what he does best: ignore it, ignore you, and keep going on with his life, becoming increasingly grumpy because you won’t leave his thoughts, you won’t leave his dreams and you are fucking things up without even knowing it. It drives him nuts, until he finally caves in and looks for advice. By now he had successfully created distance between you and him because of all the ignoring and avoiding, so he had also succeeded in making this whole flirting thing immensely more difficult as if it wasn’t mission impossible to start with. 

Killer’s advice was useless: just tell her how you feel. As if he could just walk up to you and undo all the meanness he had done just to avoid you and make you avoid him. As if he could just say “hey, y/n, sorry about being mean, it’s cause I can’t stop thinking about you and it drives me fucking nuts, so wanna kiss?” None of that was useful, so Killer was dropped from the options, and Kid, desperate for any advice at all, turned to the rest of the crew. 

Kid’s crew respected him. They respected him a great deal. They would go through fire for him and worse. But, he had been particularly nasty to them too in an attempt to relieve some of the frustrations caused by his bottled-up feelings, and the crew decided that now was as good as any time to get a little bit of revenge. 

So they decided to help him. Ease the tension, be a little relaxed, and try a pick-up line, they had said. It would be a great way to make you laugh, and make you forget all the negative feelings he had made you associate with him over his time of denial. And they managed to convince Kid as well that these pick-up lines would be able to convey his feelings just as well as the truth, the sappy words that his first man had advised him to say. 

Now, Kid was not stupid, and he doubted the lines they gave him would be super successful. He knew for sure that such words would never work on him, all they would do was convince him some idiot was trying to waste his time. But Kid was desperate and his inability to apologize and voice his feelings won over the inevitable shame that was gonna come when he tried one of these lines on you. 

He found you in the dining room, having some lunch and a break from the tower of chores that he was responsible for giving you. No other crewmates were there, and he tried his best to ignore the pang of guilt that he felt for isolating you. Not only from him, but in the progress, he had managed to isolate you from a lot of the crew as well. Dumbass move, he knew now, and he wasn’t truly sure if there was ever a way you’d forgive him. His instincts were screaming at him to get the fuck out, abort mission, man up and just follow Killer’s advice. But Kid’s pride and stubbornness won over his rational brain and he made his way over to you. 

He sat down next to you, a little too close for your comfort, but far enough as to not completely block off any and all escape routes, and you looked up, mildly annoyed, mostly curious as to why the captain suddenly thought you were worthy of his attention after all. The way he tensed face, clenching his jaw, made you mentally prepare for the worst: this was the day he’d kick you off the crew, even though you didn’t do anything wrong, not even by his terrible standards. He just disliked you that much. You could only hope you wouldn’t be kicked out violently. 

“Are you my appendix? I don’t know what you do or how you work, but I feel like I should take you out.” 

You blinked. Once. Twice. You weren’t sure what exactly you were expecting, but it wasn’t that for sure. Your eyes were wide in shock, and you could see the tension on your captains face slowly transforming into regret. An awkward silence settled into the room, lingering for minutes before there was any kind of other movement or sound. 

You were the first to speak up, stammering, trying to form a coherent thought and attempting to put said thought into words, failing somewhere on the first step. 

Kid, embarrassed as he was, just stood up and left the room, angrily stomping away, slamming the door behind him, and leaving you completely speechless. You were still trying to put two and two together when the door opened up again, much more gentle this time. You recognized the mask of the most rational man on this ship immediately. 

“Hey y/n, what the captain was trying to say… is that he likes you and would want to take you out on a date sometime soon.” 

“Is that why he’s been so mean?” 

“Avoidance is his way of dealing with overwhelming emotions,” Killer sighed and you let out a relieved sigh, small smile on your face. 

“I’ll go look for him then. And maybe this time… I should do the talking.” 

[joshscrookednipple]

Cupid Screwed Up: Chapter 2

Summary: What happens when two rivals who chants even be in the same room together get paired up as soul mates for the rest of their lives..one thing they do know is that cupid screwed up.

Pairing: Josh Kiszka/Female OC

word count: 2,682

Warnings: Shitty editing, Vulgar language, angst, asshole josh, seizures, ambulances, mentions of negative body talk. (as always let me know if i missed anything!)

Not edited !!

A/N: before you read this here are a few things you need to know-

FND (functional neurological disorder) refers to a group of common neurological movement disorders caused by an abnormality in how the brain functions. some of the symptoms are-

Weakness or Paralysis

Abnormal movement, such as tremors or difficulty walking.

Seizures or episodes of shaking and apparent loss of consciousness

Episodes on unresponsiveness

i got diagnosed with FND about a year ago and i wanted to put a little bit of myself into Tara, feel free to message me if you have any questions. Enjoy!!! :)

have you ever seen those commercials where people screw up the most simple and idiotic tasks?

yeah

thats basically what happened here.

let me give you a little recap of what happened after i found out my impending doom. (aka getting josh as my perfect match) in bullet point form.

* i cried

* i threw my phone across the room and cracked it

* i stopped to feed clawdia because she looked hungry

* cried some more

* threw some more things

* surprisingly fell asleep

and now it’s the next morning and i’m matching my ass to the C.U.P.I.D headquarters and set things straight. i pull into the driveway that itself, probably cost a million dollars.

i step out of my car when i see another one pull up by me. i bet you can never guess who it was.

“So eager to see me aren’t you bunny?”

Wow. who would’ve guessed.

“i’m here to tell this fucking dumbass company that they fucked up our matches, not to tell them i want to conceive your kids and push them out of my fucking pussy this very second

he just stares at me and i swear i can see a glint of..something in his eyes but as soon as it came it was gone.

he locks his car as starts walking towards me which leads to me walking faster.

“You wound me bunny!!”

“at least Jake had the kindness in his heart to apologize to me last night. i heard he has a match..alexis is it? how does it feel that your twin brother is higher up than you” i spit out with my back still to him and a smirk on my face.

“yeah well if i had a match i couldn’t fuck all the girls i have been”

oh my god.

ew

i ignore him and open the door and..jesus it’s like i walked into one of those young adult dystopian movies. the floors are pristine white..well the entire building seems to be white with light red accents. fitting.

people were swooping around getting personality tested for their perfect match, some meeting their matcha for the first time. all of them seem so happy. i walk up to the front desk and the lady whose name tag i read says “Valentine” turns and smiles at me with this obnoxiously big smile that has obnoxiously perfect teeth.

“Welcome to C.U.P.I.D headquarters? do you have an appointment” she smiles stupidly at me and tilts her head.

“well no i-“

“did you call in before hand?”

“no-“

i can hear the snickers of my rival behind me.

“name and occupation”

“Tara and i really don’t see how-“

and of course she interrupts once again

“how did you find out about us?”

that’s when i lost it.

“how the FUCK would anyone not know about this place? it’s not like you all have advertisements fucking everywhere or anything!! sometimes i just want to shit in peace without having to see your fucking eyes staring into my god. damned. soul!”

i’m breathing heavily and i lick my lips looking at her expecting her to finally just maybe stop asking me stupid questions and worry about the real problem.

“you seem upset, do you want to do some breathing exercises?”

i throw my hands up in the air and josh is doubled over, his face red from him trying not to laugh. he’s clearly going to be no help so i turn back to valentine who i’m half convinced is a robot and take a deep breath.

“look” i start “i think you all made a mistake with my match. i go matched with this used paper towel back here, and i’m sure it’s a bug in the system but i would really appreciate if you would go and change it please”

i finish and give her a forced smile and a few minutes of silence goes by before she finally speaks

“there’s nothing we can do, C.U.P.I.D has a 100% acceptance rate”

“well apparently fucKING NOT”

a few heads turn to look at me and okay maybe just possibly i was over reacting but you don’t understand how dire this situation is. i grab my purse and push open the doors and gulp in a deep breath of air.

not even a minute later josh is by my side

“you should give up drawing and go into theatre bunny”

“fuck off”

i pull my jacket tighter around me when i look at my phone. greta it’s December 1st which means it’s the dreaded date night. i go into my car and slam the door before putting my head on the steering wheel.

one secret that i’ll take with me to the grave is that i have a debilitating crush on josh when i was in highschool, i mean god he was so fucking awful to me but at least he gave me SOME attention, my dad was always out with one of his side pieces and my mom would hide in her bedroom crying most nights. C.U.P.I.D swears by their 100% success rate, but if that was true why would i have to fall asleep to the sounds of my dad threatening bash my moms head in. is that truly what love is? because if that’s their definition of it, they need some serious fucking help.

the drive home was quiet except for the barely there self help podcast that was coming out of the radio of my car. i pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex and trudge up to my room, which felt like it took forever. as soon as i unlock the front door and open it i see sam sitting on the couch with maggie straddling his hips and their both in what seems like a life or death make out session. i slam my keys on the counter which makes sam jump slightly and for maggie to pull away and give me a huge grin.

“There’s my favorite girl! Are you so excited for your date with josh today” she coos and looks over sams shoulders at me

“just thrilled, also next time text me when you and long legs over here are going to fuck on the couch”

sam shoots his head around and smirks “i’m supposed to be the one giving nicknames bunny”

“actually Danny gave me mine, nice try” i laugh and ruffle his hair before going into my room and stand in front of the mirror before looking at my phone screen. it’s currently 12:30 in the afternoon which means i have about five and a half hours until the god forbidden date. i curl up in a ball in my bed and let myself fall into a dreamless sleep.

BEEP BEEP BEEP

I groan and sit up, stretching my arms up and rubbing my eyes before turning my alarm off. 4:30. that means i have to force myself out of bed and start getting ready. i use all of my strength to force myself out of bed and i rub my eyes and pad across the soft carpet into the cold bathroom and turn on the shower head onto the hottest setting before peeling my clothes off of my body and step into the shower that could be accurately described as bathing in lava. i quickly run through my shower routine, when i finish i throw my ratted robe on and throw my hair into a towel and that’s when i feel it start, i look down at my legs and see them shaking like how you see a leaf shake outside in the winter.

one of the first things i told Maggie about when i moved in was about my Illness, it’s called Functional Neurological Disorder..or as the doctors like to say..”something that’s all in my head”. i’m living with FND is like living in a constant hell, i don’t know if i’ll wake up with my arm paralyzed, or having a shaking episode. but you learn to adapt. i was diagnosed at 17 and got my first pair of forearm crutches* when i was 21 and found myself using them more often than not, but thankfully my medication has been keeping my shaking at bay, which is why my heart drops when i see my medicine container is empty.

shit.

i forgot to get a refill. i’ll be fine though. i always am.

i take a few deep breaths before doing a very quickly ran through curl routine and put on a swipe..or two..or three of mascara and smudge on my favorite deep red lipstick before grabbing my favorite dress, it’s a black velvet dress that goes mid thigh, i pair it with black tights and my platform doc martens and throw on a jacket to battle the cold water and rush out of the door and to my car. i have thirty minutes before i have to make it to the restaurant and luckily it’s right by my pharmacy, so i’ll just go in and grab my medicine and then go to the date and try not to kill Joshua. perfect plan.

until it’s not.

“that’ll be $250, do you want to use cash or card”

i almost have a shaking episode right there. i stare at the lady behind the pharmacist desk and hope, and pray for her to say this is some sort of sick joke.

“i don’t-“ i stutter and look at her “i don’t have $250..i barely have enough money for gas”

“i’m sorry ma’am but there’s nothing i can do” she apologizes and smiles a sad smile at me.

i look down at my shaking hands and chew on my lip and try to force back the tears that are threatening to fall down my cheeks. Maggie and Danny are the only two that know about this..so if anything goes wrong i can just call them. everything will be okay. right?

i leave the pharmacy and decided to use the fresh air to my advantage and walk to the restaurant when i see josh standing outside, his cheeks and nose pink from the cold. he’s kinda cute when he looks like that.

no he’s not Tara, snap out of it.

“your late.” he states and i look at my watch and roll my eyes

“only by two minutes, im going inside, you can either come with me or freeze your dick off out here”

he huffs and follows me inside where the hostess was clearly giving him “fuck me” eyes as she leads us to our table and takes our order, in which the whole, except when i order my food, she’s talking to josh.

after she leaves this smug bastard leans back in his chair and smirks “maybe i’ll take her home tonight, i mean did you see those tits?”

i scrunch up my nose and stab into my complimentary salad that little miss sexy had served us before she left.

“you could have tried a little harder on your appearance Bunny, people will be taking pictures yknow”

“says you” i huff as i push around my salad with my fork

“maybe i’ll just leave with our hostess and leave you here to wallow in your own self pity”

i decide my best course of action is ignoring him. but when do i ever take the best choice?

“why do you think these things about me” i whisper, my voice barley eligible.

the demeanor in him shifts and he, just for a moment, looks regretful for what he said. obviously that doesn’t last long.

“do you want me to lie to you Tara?”

that’s what gets me, that’s how it all started.

i push myself from the table and run into a single person bathroom and let my body fall down the wall. it starts with my right arm.

then my hands.

and legs.

and suddenly i’m having a full blown shaking attack, to those who don’t know what FND is, it would look like i’m having a seizure.

a sob breaks out from my lips as i fumble with my purse and until i finally grab my phone and click on Maggie’s contact and try to call her

1 ring

2 ring

3 ring

hey this is maggie! i’m out right now please leave a message at the beep!

beeeeep

i bite my lip and blindly click on danny’s contact, praying that he picks up.

1 ring

2 ring

“Hello?”

“d-danny” i mutter as i put my phone on speaker, not being able to hold it

“Tara? what’s wrong? aren’t you on your date?”

i mean he wasn’t wrong.

yes i was on my date, but i was also on the floor shaking so hard it feels like i might tear a hole into the floor.

“i am- but i ran out of my medication and i’m shaking- it hurts and it’s okay if you can’t come over but-“

“i’ll be there in five minutes”

that’s all he says before he hangs up.

Danny barges into the restaurant and starts passing josh’s table.

“Danny? what are you doing here” josh stands up, grabbing danny’s arm which causes danny to whip around and for josh to take a few steps back.

“what did you say to Tara” Danny asks

“what-“

“what did you say to her”

“nothing i-“

“well whatever you did. good fucking job”

josh furrows his eyebrows and follows a frantic danny to the bathroom, only to see me half laying down, half sitting up, shaking, and fading in and out of consciousness. danny quickly sits down behind me and pulls me in between his legs so my back is pressed up to his chest and my head falls back into his shoulder.

Danny was probably one of my best friends in every sense of the word, he was always so calm, gentle and..nice.

“hey bunny” he whispers as he brushes some hair from my face “i need you to stay awake for me pretty, you know if you pass out we have to call 911, and i know you don’t want that”

it’s true, whenever i pass out during a episode, more often than not im taken away in a ambulance and taken into observation for one to two days, it always helps when i get a cute paramedic though”

“s’fine” i mutter even though it was not fine, i let my head fall to the side and see josh staring at me with wide eyes and i give him a slurred smile “go see the hostess”

those are the last words i say before i black out and hear Danny curse.

“call an ambulance Josh” Danny orders but josh, looking like he’s frozen in time doesn’t follow his orders.

“JOSH” Danny yells again which seems to snap josh out of his trance before he calls 911 and soon enough paramedics are surrounding me and getting me on a stretcher. once i’m gone danny looks at josh

“i hope whatever you said was worth it”

“what happened to her- was it a allergic reaction or-“ josh stutters before danny huffs and cuts him off

“no you intolerable ass crouton, she has a disorder where if she gets too stressed or upset her body basically shuts down”

danny had never scolded josh to this extent and he couldn’t help but feel like a child being caught stealing a cooking by their mom, all he can think to do in look down at his hands.

“now what i’m going to do is go to the hospital and make sure she’s not alone, you can either come or stay. the choice is up to you”

danny leaves and josh just stands there looking at the spot where i had originally laid.

why did he say those things?

did he really think those things? no go course not.

it’s more of a coping mechanism he thinks. s way to keep his walls up.

but on a friday, on december first at 7:57, his walls has caused you to go to the hospital.

C.U.P.I.D’s 100% success rate my ass.