#BPD INSTEAD OF PMS

[doomdaysdecays]

just read “vaginal birth” & thought as opposed to what? anal birth?? but then i thought ohhhh. circumcision

[elytrafemme]

LOSERS follow mare elytrafemme for fanfiction updates. REAL MEN follow mare elytrafemme to watch her excitedly reblog posts, detail a paranoia spiral, and then fail to make a post after crying about it for 30 minutes because she gag-ordered herself. so sad. REBLOG if you're a REAL MAN that's a joke i'm turning rbs off This is funny though isn't it

[fuckyeahmarxismleninism]

Baltimore: Honor Freddie Gray & the struggle against racist police terror!

Uncover and amplify the community witnesses and participants that have been whitewashed out of the story!

SATURDAY APRIL 19 DAY OF ACTION

March & vigil: 1 PM

Meet 1pm @ Penn-North Metro

March to Mondawmin Metro

Vigil & speakout for Freddie Gray (2-3pm)

Film screening: 7 PM

Up. Rising. Documentary on the Freddie Gray Rebellions

Hear from eyewitnesses!

Ten years since BPD murdered Freddie Gray and the systemic oppression that Baltimore rose up against remains the same.

Baltimore City has spent over $1 billion dollars on the police department in the last two years alone.

The billion dollars spent on policing accounted for 26% of the city’s overall budget.

That is a billion dollars that could have been spent on jobs, schools, and healthcare instead of the brutal repression of Baltimore’s working class communities.

The Peoples Power Assembly demands that the City of Baltimore fund the people’s needs and not racist police terror! We demand:

– Immediate and complete community control of the police

– The total disarmament of the racist Baltimore Police Department and the Baltimore Sheriff’s Office

– The complete reinvestment of the on average $500 million dollar a year police budget to jobs programs, healthcare as a human right, and education for all.

– That reparations be paid to the Black community for the racist injustices of slavery and continued Jim Crow racism and segregation

[koi-nonymous]

here, the dungeon lord stands....

in the process of being rewritten, take my words here with a grain of salt

,🐈

hi! welcome to my rant-y blog. i dont have any preferred pronouns nor a solid alias to be referred to, so make up your own based on how you view me and see what sticks! if you want any pointers though... - loleris. im referred to this a lot by older friends even tho the name is outdated - incarnate, patches, or thistle. referenced from this blog and my main blog @cataclysm-incarnate - eristle. a relatively recent nickname that a friend made on the spot which i adored bc of how it merged two of my most fav nicknames!! - inspironing. its my ign (in-game name) in a lot of places

fandoms im into: - dungeon meshi / delicious in dungeon - omega strikers - and a couple more smaller things that youll have to find on your own terms! (honorable mentions: marionetta, katana zero, potionomics, last command)

“PROJECT MOON” IS NOT, AND WILL NOT, BE ON THIS LIST. A SMALL NICHE OF LOBCORP’S COMMUNITY IS THE ONLY PM-RELATED FANDOM THAT I WILL ENGAGE WITH AND THATS IT. THANK YOU KINDLY FOR UNDERSTANDING.

im a very insecure person who runs away a lot! please dont take any time i take away from you or any associated group of people personally, my flight instinct tends to lean in the direction of "get away and stay quiet/lay low" to gather my thoughts - this isnt to say i WANT you to constantly in careful treading each time im around. im a flawed person and i've come to terms with that, so i'd hate not to be able to learn ways to "undo" those flaws from other people, even if a little

im also a. uh. somewhat judgmental person. i was BORN thistle-coded... but to be real i try and hide my judgment as best i can nowadays. it'll be bottled up as best it can and im on an active journey to try and subvert my aforementioned judgment! just... dont force me into situations/conversations that i already show disdain to bc it makes this hard

also. i love cats! i dont own one, but i love cats and will frequently catpost!

small q&a bc idk what else to put

1. why do you not bother for a concrete personal pronouns and an alias? - two things; i've both grown to be unbothered by people mischaracterizing me and me not spending a lot of time to invest into either! i have some semblance of my own identity in mind, but its used only for humor's sake as comparison to other peoples' perception of me HAH

2. what's with the old aliases? why mention them at all? - i've grown attached! i cant get over any of my old aliases that i gave just the tiniest portion of purpose, even for a little bit. plus, its something for people to fall back on if they wanna get back to talking to me like normal instead of referring to me like. idk, thistle or smth as a joke (please do this btw, itd honestly make my day)

3. why do you know [abc], but not [xyz]? - once again, i dont invest enough time to know things. im unaware of, surprisingly, a lot of things, so if youre looking to ask me something along the lines with an everyday-something like preworkout or cologne is... well, im not your guy - if a note i made of myself helps, i describe myself as someone completely detached from the real world

4. why do you talk a lot? - i just have a lot to say! also, because i picked up that being extra-omega-clear helps convey your intentions and reasoning, which is especially useful when talking to people with bpd...?? which i picked it up from in the form of a post about this specifically?? - whatever the case is, i just have a lot to say. bookends.

5. why did you ghost me on [xyz]? - now, contrary to question #4, i DONT have a lot to say on topics im unfamiliar or otherwise uncomfortable with answering. if i ghosted you, it's either because of those two reasons OR i forgot - this happens a lot. like, a LOT lot and im guilty of it, so please bear with it. im not trying to be mean nor take anything personally when i do it, i promise

6. why are your tags like that? - im anxious! again! i purposefully skirted around actual searched tags to make my own obscure tags that no one in any of the nine circles of hell would dare look up! but if its the story behind them you want... - "#cataclysmic ranting" and "#random reblog" are both tags ported over from my main blog! im keeping them there for legacy purposes (and to make things easier on my end) - "#oc discussion" is a bit of a stretch because i think this'll flood out my blog from the other people posting in it. otherwise, i use it to discuss my own ocs, as it says on the tin! - more to come...

7. why "patches-of-thistle"? - it's a project moon/mili reference! specifically of the song, "through patches of violet". i replaced violet with thistle because thistle had been given his name by king delgal because of his eye color (purple) - small, unneeded info, but this post helped me praise the name as "thistle" to almost religious levels

and that's a wrap! sorry that you have to digest a lot to know me if you dont already do, but hey! i need people to know what theyre getting into first hahah

expect this to be edited! maybe i'll include a masterpost of the many soon-to-be threads on this blog somewhere within these blocks of text - trust me, i'll be sure to deliver on the "rant-y" part of my description of it 🥰🥰

[untamedyouth]

2/28/24

11:28 PM

The BPD is really BPDing today.

The way I, in real time, face-palmed because I quickly realized how I was thinking about how good things are lately and how I like where things are headed.

What the fuck? I felt worthless a few hours ago.

I’m so high I tried to type “hours” and accidentally wrote “horrors” instead, and honestly it still applies.

Regardless, I HATE being so aware of how silly my mood swings are. I really am just dramatic smh

I also oddly noticed that it’s very only in very specific moments which get me to write the most, but when I do start to write about said moment; I only get fragments of nuanced thoughts

M.R

[cluster-b-culture-is]

cluster b culture is wanting to be the best at even the most life ruining things

if i dont have the worst, bloodiest scars then it feels like i dont even matter

i cant feel okay with myself unless my sleep schedule and eating patterns are the most fucked up out of everyone i know

[ascaryghost]

Pinned

!!I post about my mental health!! | Anorexia | Autism | BPD | ADHD | (please read bellow)

TW: Anorexia !! I have anorexia but im not a pr0xna blog. !! I never post txspo, bchecks, cals, stats or anything. My ana posts are memes, harm reduction or like “man i hate myself lol.” if u find a post of mine harmful, pm me instead of reporting.  I've been anorexic for 10 years, which means my anorexia is chronic - i live and try to take care of myself while coping with this disorder. I have been through treatment and hospitalisation & am in contact with a psychiatrist.

I also sometimes post stuff about more heavy or negative feelings i have, but at the end of the day i am a positive person who encourages everyone to be their best self.

IMPORTANT ! I fully support people struggling with **all** mental illnesses, including all personality disorders such as ASPD, NPD etc.

! I fully support **all** queer people, no matter how well they fit the standards of society.

DNI if you do not. Hateful people and bigots stay the fuck away More about me bellow!

About Me: -Hel (she/it/) - im 21 - queer as fuck<3 - professional crybaby aka full time student - I love art in all forms, history and mythology - im a scary ghost

pls send me song recs!<3 (i love most genres and am open to everything!)

Some of my favorite tunes rn: Katatonia - My Twin Garmarna - Herr Mannelig Dälek - Images of 44. Casings French Inhale - Sophie Woodhouse

[unkomfortabull]

im so tired of my mental state. My quiet bpd makes my mood already all over the place and can cause random anger or sudden sobbing but this is all heightened by the onset of my menstrul cycle its ridiculous that pre menstration im experiencing pms. And unfortunately for me the only option my doctor gave me was birth control and all that did was make me stabalize as depressed and never feel happy or good so instead of making the anger go away it made me go away.

[pickledbaklava]

Self-help masterlist

credit: @shafangs

Distractions

https://www.coolmathgames.com

http://www.galaxymakers.org

https://www.quotev.com/quiz/13196485/Which-School-Stereotype-are-you

https://picrew.me/image_maker/94097

https://www.rainymood.com

Grief

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm

https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-things-about-grief/

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/daily-life-coping/stress-coping/grief-loss.html

https://www.mhanational.org/bereavement-and-grief

https://helplinedelmor.org/24-hour-crisis-hotline/ (Hotline)

Self Harm

https://projectlets.org/alternatives-to-selfharm

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-truth-about-exercise-addiction/201708/15-things-do-instead-self-harming

http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/perch/resources/distraction-techniques-pm-2.pdf

http://www.phscounseling.org/144-things-to-do-other-than-self-harm.html

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm

(hotline)

Eating Disorder

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm

https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/eat-disorder.html

https://cnc360.com/top-8-reasons-to-recover-from-your-eating-disorder/

https://www.bulimia.com/topics/eating-disorder-hotline/ (has hotlines)

Suicidal

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/ (hotline)

https://unicornladybug.tumblr.com/post/164319935607/101-reasons-not-to-commit-suicide-today

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/are-you-feeling-suicidal.htm

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk//suicidal.htm

https://www.healthline.com/symptom/suicidal-behavior

Abuse

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201706/the-truth-about-abusers-abuse-and-what-do

https://www.thehotline.org (hotline)

https://study.com/academy/lesson/coping-skills-for-abuse.html

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2012/09/three-important-skills-you-need-to-cope-with-abuse www.childhelp.org (hotline for child abuse)

OCD

https://thiswayup.org.au/learning-hub/obsessions-and-compulsions-explained/

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-take-power-back-intrusive-thought-ocd

https://beyondocd.org/expert-perspectives/articles/ten-things-you-need-to-know-to-overcome-ocd

https://www.nami.org/About-Mental-Illness/Mental-Health-Conditions/Obsessive-compulsive-Disorder/Support (hotline)

Schizophenia

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/mental-disorders/helping-someone-with-schizophrenia.htm

https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-with-schizophrenia-2953094

https://livingwithschizophreniauk.org/information-sheets/coping-with-voices/

https://www.mentalhelp.net/schizophrenia/hotline/ (has hotlines)

ADD/ADHD

https://www.additudemag.com/dealing-with-adhd-80-coping-strategies/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/coping-tips-for-attention-deficit-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-best-tips-for-coping-with-adhd/

https://www.7cups.com/wiki/addadhd-hotlines-and-resources/ (has hotlines)

BPD

https://www.7cups.com/wiki/addadhd-hotlines-and-resources/

https://www.healthline.com/health/bpd-splitting

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/blog/8-best-tips-how-to-cope-loved-ones-borderline-personality-disorder/

https://www.hopeforbpd.com/borderline-personality-disorder-treatment/borderline-crisis-help (has hotlines)

Anger

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/how-to-control-anger#2

https://www.verywellmind.com/anger-management-strategies-4178870

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-express-your-anger-effectively/

https://www.calm.com

Lonelyness

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/things-to-do-when-lonely_l_5e1e8f56c5b673621f6d6ecd

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2011/12/22/144157160/need-a-hug-go-to-the-nicest-place-on-the-internet

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-cope-with-loneliness-3144939

https://samaritansnyc.org/calling-the-hotlin

Severe Psychological Distress: Identifying it and Coping WIth it

https://www.gulfbend.org/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=55736&cn=109

https://www.healtheuniversity.ca/EN/CardiacCollege/Wellbeing/Stress_And_Sense_Of_Control/Pages/psychological-distress.aspx

https://www.heartonline.org.au/articles/psychosocial-issues/treating-psychological-distress#managing-depression-and-anxiety

Hypersexuality

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/compulsive-sexual-behavior/diagnosis-treatment/drc-20360453 (this covers basically everything)

https://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hypersexual-disorder-treatment/

Intrusive Thoughts

https://moodsmith.com/intrusive-thoughts/

https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/how-to/how-to-stop-intrusive-thoughts-and-live-your-life/

credit: @lilypotterr

if condom broke: https://www.health.com/condition/sexual-health/what-should-i-do-if-the-condom-broke

lump on breast: https://ww5.komen.org/BreastCancer/WhatToDoIfYouFindaLump.html

friends ignoring you: https://www.wikihow.com/Confront-Friends-Who-Are-Ignoring-You

stranded on an island: https://traveltips.usatoday.com/survival-guide-deserted-island-62359.html

rejected by crush: https://www.sweetyhigh.com/read/crush-isnt-into-you-rejection-081916

car accident: https://www.edmunds.com/car-safety/what-to-do-after-a-car-accident.html?cjevent=94dc1d5d1b2b11eb81b300380a240610&mktid=cj260233&utm_campaign=auto_brand&utm_medium=affiliate&PID=6173462&kw=flexibletexttool&SID=kgx580sbr201cgin001ol&utm_term=2470763_VigLink&mktcat=affiliates&AID=10364102&utm_source=commission_junction

bee sting: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bee-stings/symptoms-causes/syc-20353869

fired from work: https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/you-just-got-fired-now-what-hot-jobs

earthquake: https://www.ready.gov/earthquakes

infected tattoo: https://www.healthline.com/health/tattoo-infection

if in a fire: https://kidshealth.org/en/kids/fire-safety.html

lost in the woods: https://www.dec.ny.gov/regulations/57053.html

robbed abroad: https://www.roamright.com/travel-insurance-blog/what-to-do-if-you-get-robbed-overseas/

robbed in general: https://lifehacker.com/what-should-i-do-if-i-get-robbed-1251681893

got cheated on by s/o: https://www.verywellmind.com/cope-when-spouse-is-unfaithful-2300654

on sinking ship: https://www.boaterexam.com/blog/2011/03/sinking-ship-survival-guide.aspx

fall into ice: https://www.dnr.state.mn.us/safety/ice/survival.html

stuck on elevator: https://www.treehugger.com/what-should-you-do-if-you-get-stuck-in-an-elevator-4864097

food poisoning: https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/food-poisoning/food-poisoning-causes

hit deer w/ car: https://auto.howstuffworks.com/car-driving-safety/accidents-hazardous-conditions/hit-a-deer.htm

animal friend passes away: https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/general-pet-care/end-life-care

someone has alcohol posioning: https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/parentsandstudents/students/factsheets/factsaboutalcoholpoisoning.aspx#WhatShould

someone has toxic shock syndrome: https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/tss.html

house has gas leak: https://home.howstuffworks.com/home-improvement/household-safety/gas-leak-home.htm

[phcking-detective]

HOT SINGLE ANDROID IN YOUR AREA WANTS TO FUCK

Gavin barely even notices the annoying pop ups anymore. He’s tried a dozen different scans and virus protection programs, but obviously they’re not going away.

And it’s kind of fair.

Not that he would ever admit this shit out loud, but his views have ... OK, they haven’t changed. Not technically. He always thought androids were watching him and--like--alive in there. Screaming on the inside. So fucking creepy. But every time he went on one of his “rants” about how they were going to rise up and kill everyone, people scoffed and very condescendingly told him “they’re just machines” and “you’re paranoid, Reed” and “do you need to take your BPD meds again?”

So yeah. Technically, his “views” on androids have stayed the exact same: they’re secretly people, they hate us for abusing them, they’re going to rise up.

HOT SINGLE ANDROID INTERESTED IN YOU

Ugh. And of course the one single time he decided to be an ass and take out his anger issues on someone everyone swore up and down didn’t have any feelings or experience pain, the little fucking twink bot went crying to Hank with his big boo-boo bambi eyes, and then Lieutenant “throw them all in a dumpster and light them on fire” suddenly hated HIM for being the racist asshole.

Whatever. If sucking it up--wait no. Taking it on the chin--fuck! If not complaining about Connor infecting his terminal with horny malware as a revenge-prank is what puts all that shit behind them, then fine.

HOT SINGLE ANDROID WOULD LIKE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE

Wait. That doesn’t sound like malware.

Gavin stares at the newest pop up for a moment. He’d started ignoring them, so he can’t remember when they switched from saying shit about single androids--plural--in his area to one singular android.

Not plural.

He tries to casually glance around the bullpen without being obvious. Connor isn’t here, but would he even have to be? He can like, wirelessly do this shit, right?

Also, isn’t he fucking dating Hank??

OK, so maybe he’s imagined it a few times.

With HANK, not Connor. No one could work underneath the DPD’s youngest, hottest lieutenant for years and not have a wet dream or two, OK?

HOT SINGLE ANDROID OPEN TO EXPERIMENTATION

Yeah, that’s a six syllable word, definitely not horny malware. But what kind of “experimentation”? Does Connor think that’s what swinging means? He wouldn’t--

If he’s cheating on Hank, Gavin will kill that cocky little ipod shuffle for real this time.

Shit, but what’s he going to do? He can’t click on it and accept ... whatever the fuck this is ... without looking like he’s actually interested, and he’s not going to do that to Hank.

Maybe he should ask Nines what the hell his brother is up to.

“H--”

The hey dies in Gavin’s throat when he looks over and realizes Nines is already staring directly at him. His partner’s LED swirls yellow.

HOT SINGLE ANDROID GROWING IMPATIENT, DETECTIVE

Gavin honestly feels like he just got shot in the chest. Like when you’re wearing a vest, so the bullet doesn’t kill you, but all your mcfucking ribs break at once and you can’t breathe and you’re not dead thank god but fuck at what cost??

OK, so maybe he’s imagined it a few times.

It’s not his fault everyone he works with is hot! So maybe he’s imagined with lots of--and Nines was just, like, included. In his horny daydreams. Wet dreams. Nightly jack off sessions.

Whatever! Anyone would be attracted to him.

He just didn’t ever think it would actually happen. That it could happen. They’re partners, for fuck’s sake. Just because Hank and Connor want to shit where they eat, doesn’t mean Gavin planned to be that stupid in real life.

Oh god, Nines is still staring at him. He’s like a stupid little baby bird mesmerized by a snake. A beautiful, blue-eyed--

No! Get it together, Reed.

YOU MAY CLICK X TO DECLINE, DETECTIVE

Gavin grabs the mouse and desperately clicks on the message itself before his brain can interfere. CGI confetti bursts across his screen and an invitation appears to La Antoinette’s in Bricktown at 8 pm.

Oh my god.

He knows this was really made by Nines too, because his partner is approximately ten million times more expressive via text than in person. The confetti matches perfectly with the hundreds of smiley faces and hearts and a couple of knives, but mostly--

Oh my god.

Nines likes him. Nines HAS liked him.

Gavin looks back over at him. Nines sits at his desk with his back perfectly straight and his hands neatly folded in front of him. His face looks as impassive and slightly-bored as ever, but that’s because Cyberlife only programmed four facial expressions into him and he’d have to trust a technician to install more like they’re fucking DLC.

His LED circles yellow again.

YOU WILL PICK ME UP AT PRECISELY 19:30 FOR OUR RESERVATION

Oh my god.

“Ye--” Gavin stops and clears his throat to get back down to a normal octave. “Yeah. Seven-thirty, right. But uh, can you get rid of the naked androids on my screen now?”

Nines continues to stare at him without expression, but the bare no-skin androids to either side of the pop up messages disappear. A new picture pops up, and he thinks it will be more details for their reservation until his brain processes that it’s a torso-shot of an android--Nines, has to be--in a black dress shirt tucked in but unbuttoned all the way down to show off his chest and pump, hands in the action of taking off his belt.

BANG BANG. Shot directly in the chest twice. A double tap. Gavin wheezes as he tries to remember how to breathe like a functional human being, but all blood previously in his brain has now relocated immediately to his dick.

“Incentive,” Nines says.

The picture disappears, thankfully for Gavin’s sanity, which is currently fracturing. 

Sure, he and Nines have gotten close. Maybe Nines spends more time at Gavin’s apartment than his own, maybe he sits in the chair next to Gavin’s bed and spends the night sometimes, maybe they already eat lunch and dinner together regularly and Nines will wake him up in the morning and make him coffee and they’ll lay on the couch together at night to watch action movies and documentaries and

And they’re dating. Shit. He’s been dating his fucking partner for months now FUCK Tina was right and she’ll never let him live it down goddammit.

So the date part makes sense. But Gavin would swear before God, Jesus, and Captain Fowler he’s never gotten any sexual vibes off of the android. 

Shit, that’s probably why he didn’t realize they’ve been dating each other.

He grabs his cellphone.

love ur incentive super hot bby

but we dont have to have sex tonight

can take it slow

or like

not take it anywhere but dating

Gavin makes himself stop texting before he sounds even dumber than he already does. He looks up and checks Nines’ face instead. Just because the android can’t make clear facial expressions doesn’t mean there’s nothing to see. 

It’s in the way he shuts his LED off so it can’t spin red, and the way he finally looks away from intensely direct eye contact to stare off to the side. Moving his hands off the desk and into his lap so no one can see his fingers twitch at an inhuman speed.

Yeah, Gavin knows his partner.

<3 <3 <3

Noted. But may we still try certain sexual activities, detective?

Gavin knows from the way he can hear Nines’ processors whirring from across the desk that he’d be blushing if he could. And then when the android looks back at him from beneath his lashes, LED back on and spinning a shy blue--

God, he’s going to date the fuck out of his partner and take him home and kiss him all over and suck his cock so so good.

“Anything you want, baby.”

[fuckyeahmarxismleninism]

Baltimore: Honor Freddie Gray & the struggle against racist police terror

Uncover and amplify the community witnesses and participants that have been whitewashed out of the story!

SUNDAY APRIL 27 NOISE DEMO In commemoration of Freddie’s funeral

1–2 pm Camden Yards S. Paca & W. Camden Bring noisemakers, instruments, etc

Ten years since BPD murdered Freddie Gray and the systemic oppression that Baltimore rose up against remains the same.

Baltimore City has spent over $1 billion dollars on the police department in the last two years alone.

The billion dollars spent on policing accounted for 26% of the city’s overall budget.

That is a billion dollars that could have been spent on jobs, schools, and healthcare instead of the brutal repression of Baltimore’s working class communities.

The Peoples Power Assembly demands that the City of Baltimore fund the people’s needs and not racist police terror! We demand:

– Immediate and complete community control of the police – The total disarmament of the racist Baltimore Police Department and the Baltimore Sheriff’s Office – The complete reinvestment of the on average $500 million dollar a year police budget to jobs programs, healthcare as a human right, and education for all. – That reparations be paid to the Black community for the racist injustices of slavery and continued Jim Crow racism and segregation

[borderline-psychopathic]

BPD Daily

July 27, 2020

12:23 pm

Well, I started therapy today, and I also joined in with the group therapy.

Part of my care plan is to continue making my posts on Tumblr, and really opening up this way for myself. They said since I don’t have a support system, for now this needs to be a major part of that plan.

I was re-diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as well as my bi-polar shit. So that’s fun. It’s really sad to me that my only support system happens to be people that are paid to be that support.

That’s okay, though.

I was honest, I told them everything from my abusive childhood, to my abusive ex, all the sexual abuse, and my recent abandonment.

The way everything went down, I feel like all the progress I HAD made as far as opening up, touch, and trust issues has been shattered. So I’m having to start all over.

We pin-pointed the rolling start of this breakdown, and I’m glad that we did.

I was in a car accident. I wasn’t injured, but it affected me and my PTSD. I was/am having nightmares about it, and I never got the opportunity to sit and get over it. I was still being made to get in a vehicle. I didn’t have 24 hours to just calm down and try to calm myself and my anxiousness over it. I was being made to still go get cigarettes, the rental car, going over to someone’s house. It really pushed me the wrong way. Then Caroline and I fought, and that just made it all worse.

And as usual, trying to talk to Caroline about the anxieties, she just made it worse? Compared the situation to other bad situation and just made the anxieties get worse.

I’m not blaming her, it’s my fault. I should have known that I couldn’t talk about it, I should have learned. I should have put my foot down and said I didn’t want to go anywhere, that I couldn’t handle it. I should have insisted on us talking things out, instead of her storming off or throwing shade instead of talking to me. I shouldn’t have raised my voice to get her attention.

I shouldn’t have taken that anxiousness out on the one person that was still there. I should have dealt with it on my own instead of making other people feel uncomfortable because I felt the need to talk about it.

I am my own destruction. I am my own fault.

And I’m so sorry to the people that felt they had to leave to get away from it. I’m sorry that I was too much, I’m too much for myself. I shouldn’t have expected others to be able to listen to what I can’t even handle.

So I’m sorry to myself, and I’m sorry to everyone else.

[seriz4wa]

what do you mean you’re going to give me the benefit of the doubt? why are you always like this when i try to reach back out

maybe because you’re the one who made a secret blog and followed me for a year like some little bitch instead of confronting me ?? or maybe trying to message me like a normal person? you act all shady like this and then wonder why i’m so upset everytime you do this . Like i’m not even trying to be funny anymore it just hurts me. i’m not a bpd crazy 15 year old anymore i’m just fucking tired man lmao . pm me or just stop .

[ttrust-no-one]

I told my mom that my bpd is getting really bad and out of control and I don't see any point in living anymore and I might kill myself one day and she got really mad at me and said that she feel offended by me saying that and I made her feel uncomfortable and sad and just furious because she didn't give birth to me just for me to commit suicide blahblahblah and I was like....bitch...BITCH.. I'm the one with mental illness here and I have to deal with it 24/7 and tbh I can't take it anymore and I want out,, and I never asked you to BIRTH me and to be born with mental illness and you think you have the right to feel offended?? Like...what the actual fffffuckkkk. When is this bullshit gonna end. People be whining left and right about how I make them feel, but no one wants to take responsibility about how they treated me like shit because i'm mentally ill and different. It's fine, tell me all about how I "offended" y'all,, it's not like you guys bully me all the time because I'm a crazy lady with crazy "pms mood swings".

That's how they call it,, crazy pms mood swings,, it's called bpd you uncultured cat poop.

This might actually be a good thing because I only told her all this things because I was worried about how she might feel if I suddenly die or dissapear, but after her reaction now I can just leave and get the fuck out of here anytime I want cause obviously she only thinks about herself.

Instead of asking me if my illness has gotten so bad that I wanted out, she's more worried about me offending her feelings. Fuck this shit.

[thataspdfeel]

ok so something i’ve been considering for a WHILE now is either deleting this blog or handing it over to someone else. for a couple reasons really

1 i’ve been working with a therapist for about 9 months now and she determined i was misdiagnosed with ASPD as well as wrongfully considering i was two weeks away from 18 and still a minor at the time. instead, i have conduct disorder and BPD with a hefty dose of narcicissm like if conduct disorder = ASPD lite i’d have NPD lite. like i originally went because to have my ADHD and depression actually medicated, my psych required me to go to therapy. and i need meds so i don’t, like, kill myself so i had no choice. thus the therapy and figuring out that SURPRISE the doctor i had at the time misdiagnosed me

2 there just aren’t really enough asks or enough interaction for me to really justify keeping this blog around? like if there was enough traffic, i’d pass it off to somebody WITH actual ASPD because it wouldn’t be right for me, as a non ASPD person to run an ASPD blog y’know. like yeah no empathy and whatnot but like it’s not the same and it’s objectively wrong. plus i’m moving in a direction of remission for my mental illnesses and this would be a good step for me to take in that remission journey

anyway, feel free to PM me, reblog this post, whatever really with input. like if you want to run the blog then like i’ll basically hand it over to the first person who asks granted they aren’t like some freak fetishist true crime jackass or whatever. so the blog would go to someone who wasn’t like an edgelord or a fetishizer who was interested in running this. i don’t really have any feelings either way and if i don’t like hear back, i’ll probably just shrug my shoulders and hit delete

[puzzen]

Hello, I recently started following you and I apologize if this was already asked. But in all honesty did you like V's after ending? I regret so much playing it, I feel like it tainted the whole game to me. Plot wise after story was ok for me, but I hate how we are forced to forgive Rika and her actions.

I was mostly disappointed tbh.  Now mind you, this is completely 100% my personal opinion, so if you enjoyed his after end and disagree with me, that’s valid. To each their own. 

My opinions under the cut since it is going to be a little long. 

What I liked:

I’ll go over the parts I did like first. I did like the moment with 707 and Vanderwood, was happy that Saeran was alive and the CGs were really pretty. 

What  I disliked: 

1) Lack of Nuance

I sort of expected them to try to redeem Rika, but I did not expect it to be executed like that. The judge ending was incredibly condescending, and I hate how the options had no balance and were either “Rika was mentally ill. She did nothing wrong UwU” or “Rika needs to be burnt by a thousand suns and receive the death penalty”. It’s much more nuanced than that, and Cheritz seems so quick to dismiss the feelings of Yoosung, Saeyong and Jumin for not forgiving her immediately. Look, I understand Rika is mentally unstable and was raised under terrible circumstances, but letting her get off without any consequences considering the harm she’s done just because she had some encounter with God doesn’t make sense. That law does not work that way, and mind you, it’s not like I want a Rika torture porn (Like Cheritz would categories us), But she at least should be sent to a psychiatric ward/ Rehabilitation center under court law, and maybe in there, she might turn over a new leaf. It essentially boils down to “cool motive, still murder”   

2) Glaring Plot holes 

Now I’m not going to act like the plot of Mysme didn’t have plot holes from the start and fictional stuff like Zen’s psychic dreams, but some of them were really apparent in V’s after end. I’m relieved that saeran is alive, but how the heck did V even find him on time and ship him to Alaska? Mind you, at the time Ray blew up Mint Eye, V had not only been drugged but stabbed. 

And as Rika calling out the Prime Minister is framed as a redemption arc, I honestly doubt that it would actually do anything. An easy rebuttal is that Rika has already been televised by the media to be 1) Mentally unstable, 2) a leader of a frickin cult 3) a manipulator, so i doubt Rika’s little TED talk would have convinced the public to impeach the PM. Mysme had plot inaccuracies from the get go (the whole timeline is kind of wonky) but the after end just magnified it by 10x. 

Also Rika’s character in general? In the another story routes, even when you try to be understanding to her, she mocks you for trying to woobify her, telling you coldly that “she is not some sad girl to be saved” and seems to be aware of the harm her actions do, but does them anyway. And her saying she wanted to be a mother to Saeran, but in his route, it’s obvious she never liked him and saw him as second best compared to Saeyong, and thus treated him like absolute shit and destroying his self esteem. It seems Cheritz just changes Rika’s personality just to fit the plot  

3) V’s Screen time

And not to mention how little V was in his own after end. I’m not made Rika is in it, since Rika is part of V’s backstory, like how they would not exclude Saeran from Saeyong’s after end/secret endings, but it is so weird how Rika essentially hijacked his after end. There was so many things to give closure for V’s route, such as repairing the trust between V and the RFA members from holding secrets, and possibly developing V and MC’s relationship (Given it wasn’t developed much in his own route) Halfway through, I almost thought it was Rika’s DLC.

4) It’s all due to mental illness! 

Now, I’ve played a fair deal of otome/VN, and most of the time, Mental illness is not portrayed accurately or is used as a trope. I’m not looking at Cheritz for a webMD definition of mental illness, and that’s how I wasn’t super mad over the portrayal of BPD in Ray;s route. I’m sort of used to wonky interpretations of mental illnesses, but wow the “Mental illness was completely to blame” stance just grinds my gears. Rika’s actions included things such as starting a cult, brainwashing a child, and stabbing people. Saying that “She couldn’t help to do those things because of her mental illness” portrays people with mental illnesses as a ticking time bomb, that they are inherently dangerous as they can do such abhorrent things out of their control. There are many posts talking about this in depth, so I’ll just end this here. Tldr: I enjoyed bits of the after end, but overall I was just disappointed. Instead of being satisfied, I just felt more empty and confused. 

V’s After end just reminds me of this ProZD skit