#Gai with the reverse Hashirama

[swagglessmoth]

This scenario has been in my head for months.

If the pacing or dialogue are weird it’s bc I forgor how it went while drawing loll

Part two

[al-hekima-madara-blog]

Speculation from the cavern part IV

Part I, Part II, Part III

Madara never needed Obito for achieving Infinite Tsukuyomi plan. I slowly came to this conclusion thanks to Lunyzare's post and Peek of eternity's reflexion.

Obito is probably the villain I empathy the least. As a consequence, he's also a character I don't really get his motive. Or should I say I get it, but I've found them shallow comparing to the scale of damages he did to the shinobi world.

If you really think about it, Originally, Madara only needs Nagato for his big plan. Only Nagato can summon the Gedo statue, bears rinnegan, and summons him back to life. All he needed to do is to brainwashed him enough into thinking he needs to be resurrect (but I don't even think he would have succeeded, Madara is a great schemer but a poor seducer contrary to Oroshimaru the exact reverse)

Obito is a superficial middleman in his project. He is mostly here because Madara craves for someone by his side. We don't know the reasons but we can guess :

Obito is his direct descendant he feels connected with him

just a clan companion that he still cares for (in the same way he cared for Sasuke by giving him "more" time and offer to collaborate with him)

or he saw his young innocent self in Obito

or he saw Izuna's character, since they share the same birthday

Even Obito himself at some point knows that there was something deeper than just a pawn. He insists so much in asking Madara : Who am I for you? - For context it just was after the grandiose Naruto's talk no jutsu.

Look ! He really seems genuinely hurt to have been rejected by Obito. In his twisted mind, holding his name and being his servant is the highest proof of trust Madara can give.

My opinion, Madara loves toxic relationship. We already saw this love/hate behaviour with Hashirama but with Obito he went even further in his delirium. He acted in both manner, very caring and very sadistic towards him.

How caring? First of all he chose him. He, as individualist and megalomaniac as he is, entrusted him with all he has left : his name and his dream. He also saved his life. Obito was half dead under this rock, it was really a desperate gesture. Do you guys remember when Tsunade spent hours studying and trying to save Lee's legs? And she was the best medical ninja at the time. Gai also even with advance technologies in Boruto is still disable. Madara isn't known to have such skills. He probably can do a decent job, after all he had a lot of free time to learn different type of jutsu in his cave, but by his own words it was a difficult task too save someone with half of his body crushed. On top of that chance of being compatible with Hashirama's cells are very low. You need a minimum of dedication to carry on while there is a lot of healthy and talented young Uchihas still alive. During the 4th war, He also physically protect Obito with his gunbai, finds excuse to justify why Obito didn't follow his plan, try to engage conversation with him many time (which Obito didn't respond at all). He only reversed his attitude when he realised that Nagato was not there anymore and Obito was definitely betraying him.

And about his sadistic side, well obviously Obito was his precious pawn in his great scheme. He careful crafted him to be his carbon copy. And in order to be a new Madara you need to have a taste of Madara's suffering. Obito too will loose everyone dear to his heart and also loose any hope in this world. He imposes on Obito his own trauma. A bit like a vampire's bite. Zetsu played with Madara's gullibility, Madara played with Obito's. If he can break this child as he had been broken in the past, it will confirm his own hopeless philosophy and artificially create a companion understanding his lonely perspective.

Toxic relationship at it's finest, I'm telling you !

[phoenixyfriend]

Time-Travel feat. Ino, Sakura, TenTen

The short of it is "Ino, in the Founders Era, sees Izuna and makes it her personal mission to Tap That."

The time-travelers are Ino, Sakura, and TenTen. Why them? I like girls being badasses, these three make a badass trio, and I don't want to deal with Caged Bird Seal politics. (Hyuuga just... complicate time-travel plots.)

Ino is the one that is clearly clan, and they make a group decision that the benefits of Yamanaka backing (and by extension Akimichi and Nara) outweigh the potential drawbacks.

It's pretty easy to convince them that they're Worth It. Ino doesn't bring anything new, really, but she's clever and knows the clan techniques and is very good at them, so the clan head (after performing a mind search to confirm the story) is like Sure, You're In.

Meanwhile, Sakura is a terrifyingly competent medic that knows hundreds, if not thousands, of medical techniques that don't even EXIST yet, and TenTen might not be a medic like the other two, or capable of explodey punches, or clan-trained, but the girl is a taijutsu powerhouse that's probably fast as hell because she was trained by GAI, and she's got at minimum a journeyman-level training in fuuinjutsu.

(Also just, don't argue with the 100% accuracy lady. Just don't. The reason she doesn't have a body-count to rival Minato's eventual count is because she doesn't want to and basically no other reason. There are some opponents that a Kunai to the Neck won't take down for whatever reason? Iron-skin, water body, super healing/shapeshifting, but for the rank and file? That's a one-hit. And she can throw hundreds of kunai at a time, so... if you take the 100% accuracy statements literally, she's a nightmare if she decides to go lethal.)

They run missions for a bit, and Ino is... usually the one sent out on field missions, because Sakura's busy teaching people how to save lives, and TenTen is currently the closest thing the Yamanaka have to a seal master--she's not a master, not on the level of an Uzumaki or even a Senju, but she's way better than most on account of village training schema and it's cheaper to give her a long-term role in the triple clan system than to hire independent contractors--but sometimes they all go out!

And... okay, I'm gonna be real here: Nobody approves of the way Ino dresses other than Ino and her girls.

Sakura extends her pants a bit. TenTen's fine. Ino refuses to stop wearing crop tops and short skirts, and none of you can stop her.

It helps that Ino's response to guys propositioning her is to tell them to back off, and then if they get handsy, she breaks their wrists. If they're ninjas getting handsy, she starts a fight, but most ninjas are smarter than that because they realize she's not just A Kunoichi, based on how she's moving, but a kunoichi with long, free-flowing hair, which is like... basically a big "I'm A-rank or better, come at me if you dare" flag. On the off chance that someone tries to fuck with Ino and they're actually out of her league in taijutsu, she has Mind Scrambling or, if absolutely necessary, an ear-piercing scream that summons a woman that can fistfight gods.

(And absolutely has.)

But anyway, The Girls go for a Girls Night Out one day. No plans to get laid, but they want to go shopping and have fruity drinks and maybe cause a little trouble.

They visit a blacksmith at one point, because weapons shops aren't quite a thing yet due to lack of centralized shinobi systems, and TenTen's talking up a storm with the smith about things like carbon infusion and alloys preferences, and Sakura's just standing off to a side reading something because most of what she wants/needs can be made by Akimichi blacksmiths, so she's not really in need of anything specialty. She wanders off after a bit, tells them all she wants to visit the apothecary to see if they have any herbs she's running low on. Ino is browsing examples of the blacksmith's more esoteric handiwork When In Walks An Uchiha.

TenTen has a VERY basic look, more or less civilian who got some ninja training, so Izuna doesn't pay her much attention, but blonde isn't a very common color in the Land of Fire, unless one happens to be a Yamanaka or Senju, and even among them it's not like EVERY clan member. (Or Namikaze but imo Minato's color is actually from Land of Earth immigrants and is a BLATANTLY different shade from characters like Ino and Tsunade.)

Senju is obviously, uh, bad, but the Yamanaka and Uchiha are basically neutral... mostly. There's some tension. Izuna isn't expecting to be attacked, but he's constantly darting glances out the side of his eye just in case.

Ino is... not unaware of Izuna.

She feels his eyes on her, notes the fact that he keeps making faces like he's not sure what to think, and Ino... Ino is of the opinion that this is funny.

She decides to drop something on purpose just so she can beeeeeeeeeeend over to pick it up and see what happens. Ino, again, does not dress appropriately for the decade she is in. Izuna chokes on his own spit.

Ino: I'm gonna be a bit of a ho. Yamanaka Clan: Please don't, our reputation is-- Ino: I'M GONNA BE A BIT OF A HO.

So Ino's fucking with Izuna's head by just... being Ino, really, she turns around like "OMG are you alright???" and lets him see that her eyes are lacking pupils so he doesn't keep worrying about whether she's a Senju, pats him on the back, coos over him, flatters his hair, and then insults his fashion sense.

She is of the firm belief that his expression is hilarious. Flirt Flirt Flirt "but you're wearing that? Really? Oh honey, you should know better."

(Ino pulls pickup artist shit on Izuna.)

Ino is fucking with him, and she is enjoying herself. She's a flirt, she's gorgeous, she's a bit of a ho, and Izuna is a hot, main family clan boy who keeps blushing. He's maybe two years older than her and he squeaks when she squeezes his shoulder and compliments his muscles.

And after all that, after Ino has wound him up and turned him around and gotten him confused and flustered and a little angry...

That is when they feel the ground shake and hear Madara screaming for The Pink-Haired Bitch to "come back here so I can kick your ass!"

So. Yes. Sakura has picked a fight with Madara. I don't know how or why, I just know that Sakura and Madara are fighting, Ino and Izuna are both going 'dude WHY' about their respective fighty person and fleeing the blacksmith to go stop whatever's going on before they get banned from town--because really, they can force their way in, but it's way easier to get those tasty daifuku mochi from that one shop when people WANT to serve them--and TenTen is... still chatting up the blacksmith. The girl is going to get a discount.

Sakura leads Madara on a bit of a merry chase so the fight happens a mile outside of town--Ino loves her more than ever--and there's a flare of "Sakura punches a Susanoo," and by the time Izuna and Ino get there, Sakura is yelling in Madara's face about how he's fucking up his eyes.

Madara is. Offended. Izuna is also offended. Those are clan secrets, and Sakura is just looking him in the eye without fear and I'm like. Half convinced that they want to just tear her throat out.

Except Ino is there, and Sakura called her by name, and they know that names with 'Ino' among the Yamanaka are only for clan heirs, and they can't just pick a fight with the entire clan.

They. They can't afford that right now. Tajima is ramping up the whole Thing with the Senju again and they do not have the resources to add another front.

"For fuck's sake, will you let me go alive if I fix some of the damage you've done to yourself?" "You can fix the Mangekyo?" "Uh, no, nobody can fix that hellscape of a doujutsu without some incredibly invasive surgery that I refuse to do in a non-sterile environment unless there's literally no other choice, but I can reverse some of the chakra strain on your ocular nerve if you stop trying to pick a fight because I got the last of the [some medicinal plant that only grows up in the badlands around Iwa]."

Izuna shrieks and demands if that's really what they were punching down trees for and Madara yells at him to fuck off and Ino just laughs at all of them.

Sakura is like. Two seconds away from putting Madara in a headlock and calling him a nerd. He's like a solid five years older than her and she's smarter than he is and he's a jock but she's going to dunk his head in a toilet, I swear to god.

[Image Description: a gif from Will and Grace where a man in a dark shirt approaches a woman in a white shirt for a hug. Both characters have their arms spread wide in greeting, but the woman subverts the expected hug and pulls the man into a headlock with an angry expression.]

(Tenten is just, she's having a good time with a random blacksmith, talking shop. She just comes out to see all this crap has happened and it's like she came back with pizzas to see the apartment wrecked.)

Anyway, Sakura does some Medic Mojo on the Uchiha bros, Ino continues to flirt with Izuna until he can't tell up from down anymore, and when they're headed back to meet up with TenTen and see if there are any ruffled feathers that need smoothing, Ino declares that she's going to get that boy to propose to her.

"Don't people usually say 'I'm gonna marry that boy' or--" "Nah, I don't know him well enough to make that decision. I just want him invested in me. Whether or not I do anything with that... depends on how well he woos me."

And anyway, things spiral from there, Ino keeps hitting on Izuna whenever she gets a chance, Izuna keeps being Very Overwhelmed by this girl that shows off so much of her body and has the confidence of a god--because Ino is the epitome of confidence and always will be--while Sakura fucks off to badger the Senju into peace by making friends with Hashirama and bribing Tobirama with medical developments and flirting with Touka (except Touka's almost a decade older than her and is flattered but not interested, thank you), and TenTen is... honestly I'm not sure what TenTen is doing except that there's a very solid chance she's sneaking off to meet with Uzumaki specialists to help her build a Zetsu Trap.

Our trio of badass ladies decides that Hm, Actually, Having Bijuu Backup Would Be Nice.

Ino's the best sensor of the three, but even she's not feeling out where the nearest bijuu is, so they go for the by-that-point tried and true method of "Sakura goes and hassles Tobirama for information while TenTen and Ino play cards with Hashirama."

Tobirama does point them in the direction of the nearest bijuu--it's the Kyuubi, even!--and Sakura just... invites Hashirama along.

Hashirama: Oh! What do I have to do if I come? Sakura: Stand there and look pretty, mostly. Hashirama: Yes, I can do that. Sakura: And then interfere if we piss off the Kyuubi enough that he attacks. He probably won't, but Mokuton is useful if he does. Hashirama: Oooooh yeah, I can do that.

Tobirama is so tired but these gals are pretty determined to do the whole Peace Thing and Hashirama can mostly take care of himself, and Butsuma isn't quite dead but almost there (idk some disease or infected wound, it doesn't matter), so Hashirama isn't a Clan Head ditching his job but there's nobody around that can stop him from running off, so Tobirama's just like "Cool, don't die."

Butsuma: [dying] Sakura: [sipping a mixed drink wearing sunglasses inside] Shame.

So they go find Kurama, and try to barter with him about the whole Zetsu situation, and... ngl okay I have an entire conversation in mind about "your evil goo uncle" and "none of us know how to seal a bijuu without taking away your autonomy, but sealing is the best way to hide you from Zetsu, so do you have any ideas on a compromise" and "I can SORT of figure out how to--"

And then Kurama just. Summons a smaller fox. Which has a scroll. And pokes it towards TenTen because she's the one that's Impressed Him The Right Way over the course of the conversation.

(Mostly by being vaguely sparky about fuuinjutsu and easily distracted by the Ifs of it instead of the Whys.)

And once she's signed--which Ino and Sakura are just like 👀 about because Oh???--Kurama nods and just. Presses his snout to her hand. And without telling her what he's doing, he just enters her body and settles in as a consenting jinchuuriki situation. He can leave without killing her if he wants, but he can also just chill out. He's hidden from Zetsu, TenTen gets a boost, and nobody's in prison.

(Time to belatedly note that TenTen was earlier suggested as the best jinchuuriki option since, among other things, she had the least to lose as far as chakra control went.)

TenTen: My chakra control is pretty shitty, but I can fight hand to hand for literal hours without feeling like I've done more than a light jog, is that good?

TenTen is such a different brand of ninja from most of the heavy hitters. Because her main attack is just More Knife.

Team InoShikaCho has their whole human yoyo thing, Sakura can punch gods, Naruto and Sasuke are literally insane levels of power, Kiba turns into a giant three-headed dog and Shino can insert exploding bugs into people, Lee can kick hard enough to make a bijuu pause, Neji and Hinata are... okay I don't have much to say about the Hyuuga, but... TenTen. She's just here with some seals and whole lot of sharp and pointy things.

Founders era, you have Madara and Hashirama with their god-level techniques, Tobirama is usually sword but has a bajillion other things like his Suiton, Izuna has a Mangekyo, Mito has her chains and was the first jinchuuriki... and then, here’s TenTen, with Many Sharp.

Her special attacks are Throw, Stab, and Kick the Shit Out Of because she still trained under Maito Gai.

TenTen is the current queen of "catch these hands."

After the village is founded, she challenges one of the og founders to taijutsu only and the literal only reason she doesn't win against Hashirama is that he has a healing factor and is built like a brick house.

TenTen: Hey, Izuna, if you beat me in a taijutsu fight, Ino might be impressed. Izuna: No weapons? TenTen: No weapons, no bijuu, no Sharingan. Izuna: Cool, I can do this. [five minutes later] Izuna: [screaming]

The triple clan alliance: We will gladly join Konoha on the condition that-- Izuna, internally, chanting: That I marry Ino That I marry Ino That I marry Ino-- Madara, internally: Please don't say that Izuna marries Ino Tobirama, internally: [math meme because he can imagine like eighty conditions] Hashirama, internally: [elevator music] The triple clan alliance: That you put Haruno Sakura in charge of the hospital. Izuna: [internal screaming] Madara: [sigh of relief] Tobirama: [internal cheering] Hashirama: That sounds great! I've seen her work, she's a great choice for hospital management, do you think she'd be willing to spearhead a medical training program on the side?

Izuna just wanted the politics to be his wingman here, she's killing him.

Ino has broken this man.

(At this point she's mostly made up her mind... unfortunately, she deeply enjoys messing with him! He's too fun to tease!)

Ino: I want to marry him, yeah, but did you see his face when I teased him about visiting the Daimyou's court and looking for a rich husband to bring to Konoha? He even knows I'd never marry a civilian, and yet.

(He knows, it's just that his brain is dumb when she is involved.)

TenTen asks Hashirama if he's opposed to threesomes, mostly because Mito is amazing and TenTen's a little in love with her. Hashirama is NOT opposed to threesomes, but only with Madara, sorry.

Ino is just... the queen of self-confidence. I want to include some gifs to explain but there are just too many.

As a rule, Ino wears high collars, but... she might try to pioneer Tiddy Shirts out of spite because people keep trying to tell her to dress More Appropriately.

Ino, adjusting her wrap top to show more of the chesticles: Relax, Hashirama, I'm just taking a page out of your granddaughter's book. Hashirama: [verbal keysmash]

This one twitter post.

Sakura: You can't just use your tits to get what you want! Ino: I didn't see you complaining when I got us free dango. Ino, misunderstanding Sakura's point: Uh, yeah I can? Watch. Ino: [gets drinks for the table and a free dessert too] Ino: See? Sakura: Oh my god. TenTen, cutting a slice of cake: Yeah I think she's got us here Sakura. TenTen: I love using Ino's tits to get what I want. Sakura: No!

Sakura: Why am I the only one of us who isn't down for Ino using feminine wiles for material gain? TenTen: Does it have anything to do with your unresolved childhood crush on her? Sakura: ..... shut up.

Sakura: Was Sasuke descended straight from Izuna's line? What if you just negated his existence? Ino: I mean, his soul still exists, right? Or will exist? It's not like we could have lined the genetics up perfectly anyway, don't worry about it.

Once Ino finally lets Izuna woo her, they turn into that couple that's just constantly making out in dark corners. PDA is over 9000. Sakura throws erasers at them to make them stop. TenTen catcalls. TenTen just. Not interested in being a thot in the slightest, but delighted by Ino being a thot.

Izuna: Help I don't know how to BDSM and my hot wife is a dominatrix. Madara: Sucks to be you.

(Ino being a bit of a ho fits and feels fun because she's also just like, very convincingly an actualized character. If Ino is acting like a bit of a ho it's very definitely because she wants to and is absolutely going to make that everybody else's problem.)

Ino, at any given moment: Did you miss the part where I'm the hottest person here?

I'm honestly considering platonic-marriage TenTen/Tobirama on the basis of Seals And Sparking. There aren't enough women in the Founders Era for me to ship Sakura with one so I'm going to say she ends up living in domestic bliss with a Nara kunoichi.

Sakura: Can I just. Can I just be Gay here? Like, can I just Be Gay and get Big Gay Married and have 2 dogs and lead a prestigious medical program? Tenten and Ino: Of course you can, hon! We'll be up to our nonsense the entire time, though.

Sakura: Well... at least Shikamaru isn't here to complain about Ino being the way she is.

OH I forgot to mention TenTen wearing Externalized Small Fox Kurama around like a scarf.

Kurama: [Gets to be out of the seal and See Stuff] TenTen: [Constantly has a companion around who is never tired of hearing her Special Interest Rant about smithing techniques and what will eventually be Aerodynamics after TenTen accidentally builds a plane while tinkering]

TenTen: I wonder if I could make Temari's giant fan thing work for me without wind chakra. [two years of tinkering later] TenTen: I can't remember what I was trying to do at the start but I can definitely fly now.

(Sakura's honestly lucky that Karin isn't there.)

(And tbh Sakura's only The Sensible One until Madara pisses her off and then it's time for people to remind her that she can't just go around Punching Things.)

When Sakura is forced to be the Voice of Reason she is always frustrated. When TenTen is freed from the responsibility of being the Voice of Reason? Shenanigans. TenTen's defense is that she never got to be the crazy one in Team Gai. Like, she’s still a little nutty, but she couldn’t go all out because she was constantly overshadowed by the YOUTH and also Neji’s fate situation.

ANYWAY. TenTen and Tobirama.

TenTen: Your brain makes me horny. Tobirama: Oh, finally, someone sensible.

I remember that while I was brainstorming, I had "TenTen tells Tobirama to marry her within five minutes of meeting him because they vibed so hard on weird fuuinjutsu stuff" followed by "Izuna sputtering and saying that everyone told him that he couldn't just propose to a girl he liked, why does Tobirama get to accept a proposal from a clanless kunoichi when Izuna can't even--"

The proposal is from TenTen to Tobirama, which imo is hilarious in the context of the Warring Clans Era, and also is done on a whim and is basically just.

Tobirama: [says a clever thing about one of TenTen's theories] TenTen, grabbing his hands and looking him in the eye, her own eyes full of stars and the classic Team Gai sunset genjutsu around her: Marry me. Tobirama: ...do we have to have sex? TenTen: No. Tobirama: Do you plan on children? TenTen: Students yes, adoption maybe. Tobirama: I'm sold. Hashirama:

[Image Description: Stephen Colbert, in a suit, dramatically crying at the camera. He has running mascara, and the caption says “I just feel like my heart is going to burst because it’s full of rainbows.” End Description.]

They're Nerd-married and it's the best.

I love the idea of Hashirama just being an Elevator Music Mind when it comes to Tobirama and TenTen. Like. An orange cat. Like, okay, yes Minato is the Hokage with the orange cat energy. And Hashirama is usually golden retriever energy.

But when it comes to Tobirama and TenTen, Hashirama is completely oblivious to their intention to do such things as Raise The Dead For Science.

They're not even raising a specific person for a specific reason, they're just vibing Super Hard and haven't slept enough and forgot this is a bad idea. Got so obsessed with "Can we" that they forgot "should we."

(And I feel like Kurama just encourages them like a chaos entity.)

Tobirama: It was a theoretical exercise. Hashirama, gesturing at the zombie army trying to eat its way out of a Mokuton Cage: !!!! Tobirama: We realized it didn't need to stay theoretical. TenTen: In our defense, we were left unsupervised. Tobirama: It's true, we were.

Sakura: TenTen! I expected better of you! TenTen, with sincere confusion: Why? Sakura: ... TenTen:  Like you knew my team, and my sensei, and also I agreed to help you go back in time and alter the past.

Overall.......

Ino: [here to fluster her pretty boy husband] TenTen: [got platonic married to a necromancer who shares some special interests and hyperfocuses with her] Sakura: [just wants 2.5 kids and a steady paycheck as she runs a world-changing medical program]

Anyway

Back to TenTen being Wild.

[Image Description: TenTen in her Shippudent outfit, which is calf-length red pants and a white qipao top with red trim, turning on the spot while flourishing a pair of scrolls that expel weaponry on her command. End description.]

I like to imagine TenTen has an abundance of common sense, but she just never, ever applies it to herself. She can only common sense when other people present her with their problems. TenTen: What if I combined Ribbon dances with the noble art of YEET, then made it into a fighting style?

"I've got 99 problems and all of them can be solved with sharp and pointy objects."

[This section of the brainstorming is removed on account of being deeply inappropriate for a post that should max out at rated M. Just know that Ino and Izuna are freaks, and TenTen and Tobirama are enablers.]

BACK TO TENTEN BEING ABSURD

Tobirama: Ugh, I can't match Hashirama's energy levels for another entire day. TenTen, a member of Team Gai: I can do it. Tobirama: Hashirama is literally inhumanly happy and-- TenTen: No, no, I got this.

(You have no idea how much practice she has at this Tobirama, no idea.)

Tobirama: I am currently the fastest man alive. TenTen: Only because you cheat with Hiraishin. I could totally beat you in a five-hundred lap race around Konoha. Hashirama: ...five hundred? Tobirama: Wait, what. TenTen, already stretching: Yeah, let's do this! It's been a while since I had a solid challenge, you know? Hashirama: ???? Tobirama, is she serious? Tobirama: She runs two hundred laps around the village every morning, so... probably. Hashirama, wheezing: That's a lot. TenTen: That's a warmup.

Someone, probably Madara: Okay but that's cheating because you have inhuman stamina from the fox! Kurama, chilling on a tree stump napping: No the fuck she does not. Hashirama: What do you mean she doesn't? Kurama: I don't just leave the faucet running 24/7 Senju, besides, she doesn't need my help to be a ridiculous persistence hunting nightmare monster in this regard. TenTen: Awww, Kurama, you flatterer.

TenTen: I was running 150 laps of the village every morning by the time I was fourteen. Hashirama: Why? TenTen: My teacher was fun.

At least one shitty joke from a stranger about stamina In Bed and TenTen and Tobirama just stare at the person.

Maito Dai would be... maybe a little older than the Sannin, younger than Hiruzen. Solid age for TenTen to take as a student, probably. Very feels-worthy, with the whole Passing the Torch thing that that whole family had going on, and that Gai passed it to his students since he didn't have children of his own, the idea of TenTen taking that shot to make sure she's still part of that... family, for lack of a better term? Even in this strange new world they're making by altering history like that.

And that’s about it.

As per usual, most of this was brainstormed with @firebirdeternal​.

[mira--mira]

Working on the Ningame (Gai's tortoise summons) scene and god I love the complete reversal of Hashirama and Madara's reputations amongst summons animals. Ningame sees Hashirama and immediately he's insulting him, not wanting speak with him at all, and just barely tolerating his presence. Meanwhile he sees Madara and oh boy it's Uchiha-sama this and Uchiha-sama that. The summons have a different outlook on history and let's just say Madara is well beloved for some of his actions in their stories, much to the shock and horror of humans when they find this out.

[silverstarlightwrites]

weird au premise

it’s knocking about in my brain and it’s a clumsy son of a bitch

It’s quiet, when they wake. Quiet and dark and stuffy, the air dry and stale. He’s not the first one to speak, but he thinks he’s the first to adjust to the lack of light, sitting up and taking in his surroundings. There’s something surprisingly soft under his fingers, a blanket that’s been tucked in over his legs - though let loose across his torso, allowing him to move freely. He seems to be in some kind of... cubby? The nook is small, only barely bigger than he is, and sunk into what must be a wall. To his left there’s a thin screen; he can’t see it in the gloom, but when he reaches out his hand sinks against it, straining but not breaking under his strength.

The claustrophobia sinks in a little, kitten teeth in his nape, as Kakashi realises that he’s trapped.

“H-hello?” calls a voice, feminine and shaking and afraid. She’s somewhere above Kakashi, he thinks, if the barrier keeping him in the nook den, something whispers in his mind-- If it’s not messing with sound too badly, then she’s probably at least two more dens’ worth of distance above him.

“Hello?” calls back another voice in the dark, putting up a better front of bravery but no less shaky than the first. “Who’s that?”

After that it takes several minutes of agonising noise for the voices to die down. Kakashi tries to count them, tries to give his mind something to focus on and quantify through the flood of sound. By the time someone else take command, Kakashi has counted at least sixteen other people; there could be more blended into the cacophony, too similar to another, but he’s at least certain of that many distinct timbres.

“Everybody, be quiet!”

Loud and authoritative, and familiar in a way many of the others aren’t, and miraculously, everybody listens. The frantic voices go quiet, like a wave in reverse, and then the familiar one speaks again, and--

Oh.

Kakashi sucks in a harsh breath. “Minato-sensei?!” he ventures, as loud as he dares. Hope is a choking cloud in his own chest. Why does Sensei’s voice make him feel like he’s about to die?

“Kakashi!” comes the response, and Kakashi can’t even get a reply through his teeth, the way it makes him shake and gasp. “Okay, good.” It’s Minato-sensei, it’s really him, and whatever it is is that makes Kakashi’s vision flicker with something red and snarling when he hears Minato’s voice, he has no interest in--

Red chakra and tails and blood. Mayhem as Kakashi stood passive with his peers, locked off behind a barrier meant to protect them - and meant to cage them. So that they can’t help - so that if Minato fails, if everyone else fails, Konoha will have strength still to rely on.

What?

But that doesn’t make any sense. He’s-- Gods, he’s right here like always. Mask on, his body intact from the brief inspection he’s done. Except he remembers all of that, remembers the years in between and ever since. He remembers the funeral. He remembers his kids. He remembers...

Gods, maybe he doesn’t. It’s all... fuzzy. Strange and echoey around the edges, like a dream. It can’t be real, because Minato-sensei is here, and he’s not an adult, not scarred down the left side of his face, so how could--

“Kakashi-sensei?” The voice is small, but sure of itself, and bright green eyes flash in Kakashi’s mind, the lively excitement of a girl who doesn’t yet know what she’s gotten herself into.

She knows, now. “Sakura?” he calls back, the name bursting from his throat from somewhere deep in the dream-memories he can’t figure out how to parse, and that can’t be right, but--

But she replies. “Sensei! Where are we?”

“Hey, hey, easy,” interrupts Minato-sensei, and it finally dawns on Kakashi that there’s something wrong with his voice. Not as smooth or deep as Kakashi’s used to - an unfamiliar strain that crawls down Kakashi’s back with needled claws. “We need to know who’s here and how many of us there are.” And a murmuring goes through the-- however many of them are here. Some meet the proclamation with terse and uneasy silence, but others quietly agree. If Kakashi is generous with his own abilities, it sounds like the older ones agree.

“Yes, Hokage-sama.”

So the collective begins to sound off, one at a time. Sensei begins.

“Namikaze Minato.”

“Hatake Kakashi.”

“Sarutobi Hiruzen.” Oh. Thankfully nobody is disputing Minato’s claim to authority yet, but... suddenly, Kakashi wonders what they’re going to do if the Hokages disagree.

Aren’t they dead? Aren’t they both supposed to be dead?

“Tsunade.”

“Uchiha Fugaku.”

“Uchiha Itachi.”

“Uchiha Sasuke.”

This is wrong. It’s wrong. They’re all supposed to be dead. It’s all blood and chaos and grief, and everyone is supposed to be dead.

“Uzumaki Kushina.”

“U--! Uzumaki Naruto!!”

“Hyuuga Hiashi.”

“Hyuuga Hizashi.”

“H... Hyuuga Neji...”

“Hyuuga Hinata.”

“Hatake Sakumo.”

Kakashi can’t help the noise that breaks out of him, or the way he throws himself against the barrier caging him in. It doesn’t give, holding fast no matter how far he pushes against it, and every moment feels like he might just be about to get through it but the freedom never comes. Nobody else says anything, just as nobody’s said anything about all the others.

Maybe they’re all dead, in the end. It’s far more likely, isn’t it? Than everybody who’s ever mattered suddenly being alive again?

“Uchiha Obito.”

“Jiraiya.”

“Orochimaru.” He speaks quietly, too high-pitched, lacking the arrogance Kakashi associates with him. A hiss of dislike floods the room-- the... cavern. Place. Whatever this is.

“H-Haruno Sakura.”

“Nohara Rin.”

Oh gods. She speaks so softly. Kakashi can’t tell which aches more; his hands or his chest.

“Yakushi Kabuto.”

“Yuhi Kurenai.”

“Sarutobi Asuma.”

“Maito Gai.” There’s a flutter that flares out under Kakashi’s skin, his whole body, and it feels unfathomably like relief.

“Y-Yamanaki Ino.”

“Yamanaka Inoichi.”

“Nara Shikaku.”

“Nara Shikamaru.”

“Ak-kimichi Choji...”

A flash of silence. Is... Is Choza not here?

“... Aburame Shino.”

“Abur-rame Ayaki.”

“Kuromizu Keisuke.”

“Kuromizu Kaoru.”

“Kuromizu Kyoki.”

“Uchiha Mikoto.”

“Uchiha Shisui.”

There’s a noise from somewhere in the darkness, and Kakashi recognises Itachi’s voice within it. Nobody acknowledges it.

“Senju Hashirama.”

“T... Tenzo.”

“Inuzuka Tsume.”

“Inuzuka Hana.”

“Uhm... S-Sarutobi Konoha-hamaru.” Oh gods. He sounds young. Even younger than the rest-- And that’s what’s wrong with everyone’s voice, Kakashi realises, eyes widening. Everyone sounds like a child.

“Umino Iruka.”

“Tsubaki Raiden.” Kakashi’s chest lurched.

“Tsubaki Nioko.”

“Akiyama Kaida.” Again.

“Sarutobi Nami.”

“Shiranui Genma.” And again.

“Hyuuga H-Heideki.”

“Iseya Kaede.”

And then, finally, there’s silence. Too much of it, like he’s drowning in it, except Kakashi is counting the times his heart slams against his ribcage, and the number is far too low for the silence to last as long as it feels like it does. It takes everything he has not to shout out - his father is here, Rin, Obito. Itachi. Oh gods, Sasuke. Sakumo.

It’s not fair. Whatever this is, whatever hell or nightmare or sick twisted lie, it’s not fair.

“Alright,” Minato says, and Kakashi can feel everyone listening. “Is everyone in a-- den?” So... he feels that nag too, the little itch that insists that these alcoves - these cells - are called ‘dens’. There’s a round of affirmations, and Kakashi doesn’t add his own but he offers no dissent, and that’s good enough for the crowd of shinobi trapped on all sides.

Someone breaks. Thank gods, any and all that are listening, that it’s not Kakashi.

“What the hell is this?!” It sounds... Kakashi isn’t certain who it is, if he’s honest. They sound like a child. But one hand on his own chest betrays the thinness of it, that he’s also somehow a child. “You’re-- Half of you are dead! This isn’t real...” Kakashi thinks it might be one of the younger children. One of the Aburames, maybe? “This can’t be real.”

Laughter cuts any reply that Minato (or any of the others) might have given. It’s cold and cruel and disappointed. “It’s only too real. Now stop your snivelling; you’re Konoha shinobi. Act like it.”

And this voice, too, Kakashi recognises, but it’s... He can’t quite put a name to it. The memories (dreams?) are like slurry on the inside of his skull, and it’s getting harder and harder to grasp them. It sounds... older. An adult.

“No need to worry, Konoha-nin. You’re here because you’ve failed, but I’m merciful. You’ll have the chance to try again.”

The darkness hasn’t lightened even slightly in all this time, a night so absolute that Kakashi’s eyes can’t adjust to it even if he brightens them with chakra. Subtly, almost blinding even with how slowly it grows, a dim orange light comes on above Kakashi’s head. It pulsates slightly, like a heartbeat, as if the light is a living thing. He hears the ripple of noise that goes through the assembled shinobi, and he can only assume that they’re all getting lights of their own, because he can’t see anything beyond the stretchy barrier.

It’s... a membrane, now that he gets a look at it. Somewhere between black and fleshy pink, and it’s completely opaque but he can still see the blood vessels where they weave through it. Acid rises in his throat.

The den is warm, and Kakashi notes with desperate relief that the rest of the walls don’t seem so alive. They feel like smooth rock, and now he can see them they’re a mottled white-grey that reminds him of marble. Above his head, the orange light itself, is a shallow depression, lined with delicate fur. Kakashi looks into the light, and the light looks back.

Oh gods. It’s an eye.

“Quiet,” snarls the adult voice as a faint stirring of horror sweeps once more through the shinobi. The ‘blanket’ that Kakashi is tucked into-- It’s fur, the soft warmth, and it could almost be welcome if it didn’t run so smoothly into the walls of the den. He’s half-tucked in, still, but it’s not a blanket. It’s a pouch. “Don’t bother with your memories,” he continues, sounding almost amicable again. “You won’t be here too long. You didn’t remember the last time either. And please, for your own sakes, don’t fight it. You’ll note several... notable absences in your roster.”

There’s a soft noise, a whisper on all sides, and Kakashi smells something overpoweringly sweet.

“Please do better, this time. The mess you’ve made of this attempt...” He tuts, and his voice starts to become distant. The sweet smell is too much, saturating everything, and Kakashi claws down his mask as he gags. Nothing comes up, but the ache is sharp and he struggles to remind himself that he can breathe just fine. What...? Oh gods. He can hear the gasps and choked sounds from the others, too. “And for gods’ sake, try not to kill each other. We do actually need the Uchiha clan, and all the others. If any of you manage to remember anything, just remember not to do that.”

The walls are melting. Aren’t they...? No, they’re... they’re leaking. The sweet smell is coming from the viscous fluid oozing from the walls, and they’re not marble, oh gods they’re not marble, but Kakashi can’t rightly guess what they are. Cries of fear go up around him, even as he sucks in a breath riddled with saccharine scents and tastes honey.

Someone calls out his name. Is it Minato-sensei? Is it his father? Gods forbid-- is it one of his own kids? His genin must be terrified.

“Alright, hush now. It hurts less if you stop fighting. I’ll probably see you again next time, Konoha. Toodle-loo!”

The eye-light blinks, and the oozing turns to a cascade. No longer slowly, but all at once, the dens fill entirely and it doesn’t feel as much like drowning as Kakashi expects it to. He can’t breathe, not exactly, but he doesn’t feel like he’s asphyxiating, either. He doesn’t feel like he’s dying.

He reaches up, every sound muted and wrong through the sugary ooze filling his ears - and his nose and mouth and lungs and everywhere - and the eye-light winces when he touches the fur encircling it. Meets his gaze.

There’s a flash - not light, nothing so tangible, but it feels like connection, like a rope being knotted around his soul - and then the eye-light closes and everything goes, once more, completely dark.

[empryexl]

Chapters: 1/? Fandom: Naruto Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Relationships: Senju Tobirama/Original Female Character(s), Ootsutsuki Indra/Original Female Character(s), Uzumaki Naruto & Original Character(s), Uchiha Shisui/Original Female Character(s) Characters: Uzumaki Naruto, Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s), Original Characters, Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura, Hatake Kakashi, Namikaze Minato, Senju Tobirama, Senju Clan, Ootsutsuki Indra, Uchiha Shisui, Uchiha Itachi, Senju Hashirama, Konoha 11, Konoha 12, Dai-nana-han | Team 7 (Naruto), Dai-hachi-han | Team 8 (Naruto), Dai-jippan | Team 10 (Naruto), Gai-han | Team Guy (Naruto) Additional Tags: OCs galore, Not Canon Compliant, Inspired by Inuyasha and Yu Yu Hakusho, Japanese Mythology & Folklore, loosely, Female Uzumaki Naruto, genderbender, Rule 63, Harems, Reverse Harem Summary:

Supernatural wasn't really a word used by the Five Great Nations and everyone in between, but it can happen. In which Uzumaki Naruto is a little odder than usual, and it's not because of the giant, raging demon fox in her. If she can blame it on anyone, it has to be dad, and her grandma, and her great-grandma, and maybe just everyone on that side of her family.

[blackkatmagic]

Asuma/Hidan Prompts

Asuma/Hidan:

·       police officer and petty criminal AU.

·       Asuma/Hidan au with reverse parent trap. Like Asuma and Kurenai was divorced and Asuma had custody of Mirai and Hidan has a kid with Kakuzu or whoever. Hidan's kid posted pic online about him finding new love with Asuma after his S/O cheated on him. Mirai saw the pic and said that's her dad with evidence of pics too. People expect showdown but they hit it off after Mirai said he was divorced. They even planed for their dad's future wedding. I thought it would be funny with these two.

·       Can I request Asuma/Hidan smut (maybe modern AU or something like that)? Maybe Hidan has just moved to Konoha and is teaching at an MMA studio and unknowingly runs into Asuma the mayor’s son?

·       Asuma/Hidan in a Persephone/Hades situation as a prompt?

·       Asuma/Hidan plus time travel hijinks! They end up back in the founders era and somehow facilitate Kakuzu/Hashirama. But no really, i looked at the list of pairings and my brain went, Hidan and Kakuzu are great, those pairngs are great, can they happen in one story.

·       Asuma/Hidan with Asuma bending Hidan all over the Hokage desk and Hiruzen walks in on them and has a heart attack xD the hat goes to Asuma

·       Prompt for Asuma and Hidan babysitting, please?

·       Asuma/Hidan: Asuma picking up Hidan at a bar just to see if he can fuck him quiet ;)

·       Asuma/Hidan: Hidan as Asuma‘s established bf, meeting the parents

·       Asuma/Hidan: soulmates au, everything they write on their body appears on their soulmate’s bidy too

·       Asuma/Hidan: the Hidan & Kakazu vs. Asuma etc. fight, with Hidan flirting relentlessly with Asuma, Asuma does not get killed in the process, they flirt until Hidan & Kakuzu are called back by Nagato

·       I am weak for Asuma/Hidan, how about a supernatural au?

·       hidan/asuma, hidan is ticklish (like, really ticklish) ((bonus if asuma figures this out during sex, or something))

·       Asuma/Hidan where a witch curses Asuma to be bonded with a demon but it isn't nearly as bad as they thought it would be.

·       Asuma and Hidan screwing in Hiruzen’s office, Hiruzen walks in has a fit, all the other jounin laugh in the background, added bonus snarky Hidan

·       Asuma and Kurenai are on a date/ friendly outing and Hidan is their snarky waiter

·       Asuma enforces a “no sex rule” because he’s been picking too many fights with Kakashi. Hidan promptly tries to seduce Asuma, Asuma stays strong until something cutesy happening like Hidan telling Asuma he loves him for the first time

·       Asuma loses his temper and goes on a mini-rampage, Hidan falls in love (again or for the first time, you decide) OR Asuma is in trouble, Hidan and Ino-Shika-Cho triad to the rescue!

·       truth spell put on Hidan, spills his feelings for Asuma, bonus points for some smut

·       Hokage Asuma with his missing-nin lover

·       AsuHida. Better then Meet the Parents. It's Meet the Best Friends. Kakashi, Kurenai and Gai for Asuma and Kakuzu, Deidara and Konan for Hidan?

·       Hidan getting jealous because some random girl flirts with Asuma. Let’s be honest Asuma probably gets hit on a LOT a) he’s hot af and b) he’s a Sarutobi

·       Asuma leaves for a mission after he and Hidan had a knockout angsty fight, Asuma returns severely injured

·       asuma/hidan meet the parents but theyre having sex when hiruzen walks in on them.

·       The one where asuma lowkey questions Hidan about Kakuzu because he’s a liiiiill jealous and because Kakuzu seems to be Hidan’s type considering the whole immortal deal

·       Instead of meet the parents, meet the exes with AsuHidan! Hidan being assigned on a mission with Kurenai or going for tea with her to talk about Asuma at her invitation! Asuma literally fighting Kakuzu for his life while getting passive-aggressive comments about Hidan that are somewhat caring

·       Hidan/asuma soulmate au where the first words your soulmate says to you are written somewhere on your body

·       if you're accepting prompts then maybe one for asuma/hidan related to you're newest one of theirs furigoma, where hidan tried to kill asuma but ended up dating him and going to live with him in konoha instead? like how exactly did hidan and asuma meet and how did it get from hidan trying to murder asuma to hidan becoming a konoha shinobi and them falling in love? i never thought that i would like so many rare pairs until i found your stories yo

·       What about for Hidan/Asuma their version of domestic fluff?

·       Hidan acts really weitd around Kurenai, he knows Asuma and kurenai used to briefly date before he came along, he makes everybody really awkward, until Kurenai sits him down one day and tells him not only is she a lesbian but she’s also dating Anko

·       how about AsuHidan in the under that old black magic called love verse where Hidan is a sorcerer in hiding sort of that knows Nagato but is being hunted for his blood rituals even though he mostly uses them on criminals

·       Asuma/Hidan mafia AU please?

Asuma/Hidan: just imagine someone called Chouji fat and instead of getting angry he’s actually hurt, because it was some girl he was attempting to date, Hidan comforts him in his own Hidan way, the sentence “What the fuck does that bitch know”, may come up, basically Hidan the mother hen of Team 10

[keepyourpantsongohan]

Ayesha Liveblogs Naruto Shippuden S18

“I put the entire burden on you Naruto” The Entire Burden is a nickname for Sasuke and I love it

Team 7 protecting each other while still making time to flirt is my aesthetic

In terms of actually using all three members in a cohesive unit Team 10 has by far the best teamwork in their year

Episodes since Tenzo has been missing: 117!!!! FREE HIM

Sakura doesn’t trust Sasuke and that’s good because she has no reason to do so

“I’m over it” said Kakashi for the first time in his life ever

Poor Minato he is being traumatized even in the afterlife 

“That was anticlimactic” amazing that even in times of war Sasuke still finds time to be a bitch

What is this out of continuity Frankenstein episode

I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND OROCHIMARU BUILT A FAKE SASUKE

Sasuke walks away from the village just like he walks away from his emotional issues

I can already tell this two episode arc is going to be very stupid but I love it because I miss Tenzo and Neji 

This doesn’t make any sense because Asuma died while Naruto was training to learn the Rasenshuriken so Ino, Choji and Shikamaru should living their most tragic lives atm

I liked it better when Orochimaru was making a fake Sasuke 

Naruto’s two dramatic dads coming to the rescue 

“Don’t worry, it’s okay. This is where Kakashi and I used to come to make out,” said the Gay Subtext 

I can’t believe they’re taking Akamaru but not Kiba kgjhkjdfhgdkfjhgkh KAKASHI HAS EIGHT DOGS OF HIS OWN

So Kiba is coming though this party seems a little large for this kind of mission lmao

I’m not sure what’s funnier that Kakashi is still reading Makeout Paradise or that he has finally stuffed his team members inside a box for their own protection

Me @ those horrified Hokage faces: ....Same

“Wait, who’s holding the front? No one’s theeeeere” KAKASHI PLS

If the Gaara handshake and Kakashi piggyback are the best two minutes of anime I’ve ever seen then this was definitely the worst two minutes the rainbow vomit and Neji’s fall from the sky I will never recover

Naruto’s heart eyes @ Gaara: SAME X2

I guess even Gaara is vulnerable to his Fifteen Year Old Boy Pride

“He was with me earlier but he ditched me” Orochimaru sounds like Sasuke’s bitter girlfriend

REVERSE SNAKE DIGESTION AND OROCHIMARU’S GIGGLE I HAVE NO WORDS

ITACHI PLEASE why would you be so highkey about protecting your brother literally his forehead said “Itachi” I’m livid and yet I’m also living 

Gaara the Hidden Leaf is burning to the ground what kinda priorities 

Filler Sakura is much more into Naruto than Canon Tragic Trashbag-Loving Sakura

I never thought I’d be eager to get back to tragedy and yet here we are

“That Sasuke... he’s bright” Sasuke gets the dad approval and Itachi gave Naruto the older brother approval so I’m not saying you’re supposed to get married but that’s exactly what I’m saying  

Well that’s gross Obito

“Time for my Raijin Flash Super Circle Dance Howl Stage 3″ WHO LETS MINATO NAME THINGS

QUIT TRYING TO SEVER THE PAST SASUKE ALL TEAM 7 WANTS TO DO IS LOVE YOU

“He’s just like a snake” Well this is a perfect time for Sasuke Uchiha, Snake Expert

Yikes @ Minato watching Obito being swallowed by his flesh prison

For about ten seconds I was rooting for Obito to live for Minato and Kakashi’s sake but surprise surprise he continues to be the wooooOooOrst

Every time Sasuke wraps Naruto protectively in his Susano my heart swells three sizes 

“Here, you can have this back” bless you Tobirama

Temari is so supportive she is Team Shikamaru all the way

“Smiling? Both of them?” Sakura is shocked to hear Sasuke remembers how to smile

Tobirama is increasingly embarrassed by the Namikaze clan nerds

Minato is taking the blame onto himself for all that became of his comrades just as Kakashi does, like sensei like student

KURAMA GIVING MINATO INSPIRATIONAL SPEECHES FROM WITHIN IS MY AESTHETIC

Tomorrow is Naruto’s birthday and also his parents’ deathday what a yikes life

Minato has saved everyone in the world even after his own death my Namikaze boys I love them so much

“What kind of child-rearing led to this?” Kakashi and Iruka’s lmao

This outro is literally Naruto and Sasuke running to each other on a beach at sunset bless this homoerotic animation studio

“I know you’re not an idiot” do u know that Tobirama 

The real question is who is worse at dealing with emotional intimacy Sasuke or Kurama

Are you honestly still bitter about Naruto’s success Sasuke come on dude learn to adjust

381 Episodes into the series and the Sage of Six Paths gets a name 

At this point there are going to be like 100 Shinobi left in the whole world

Shikamaru doesn’t deserve this 

Can I just say I’m glad Kakashi is in the intro? Because it gives me hope that he will not be Tenzo’d in this arc

“He seems to be in a foul mood” when is Sasuke not in a foul mood

IS EVERYONE ON THE BATTLEFIELD GOING TO EXPERIENCE NARUTO’S LOVE FOR SASUKE I’M SCREAMING

This is a pretty shitty way for Hiruzen to find out his son died

Everyone is pissed off and inspired by all the pain that Naruto has been through

Current list of Sasuke’s titles: Bitch, snake expert and Smart Boi

Fhfkgjhsjghsdkjgh Hashirama is the most beautiful person dead or alive:

Tobirama: We’ll assign the Tailed Beasts based on power balance but you’re required to pay

Hashirama: [whispers loudly] They’re not free?

Tobirama: Shut it!

“A Shinobi’s Dream” is 10/10, inspirational and beautiful episode I love it

“There’s no one more qualified than me to be Naruto’s advisor” I mean that was very poetic Shikamaru but Kakashi is at least equally adept if not more so

KAKASHI JUST SUTURED HIS OWN STAB WOUND THIS MAN IS TRULY MY DREAM

Hiruzen bossing Orochimaru around makes me happy in a weird way

My girl Sakura protecting the whole Shinobi world with her sensei 

KAKASHI COME SAVE YOUR CHILDREN THIS IS YOUR BAT SIGNAL

Sasuke keeps encouraging Naruto to keep fighting and coming back to his side it’s adorable

Kakashi’s babies are back together and he’s getting the live feed god bless

Obito’s dream of just being a ninja in the Leaf was very depressing

This must be Kakashi and Minato’s dream I’ve never seen so much teamwork at once

Kakashi and Obito with Team 7 vkcjbhkjvhbjk oh my goodness my feelings

Tiny heartthrob Kakashi is adorable and I love him

So the reason Kakashi got placed on Team Minato is because he couldn’t play well with others oh my rude little boy

Obito’s struggles being late to everything are #relatable

This is so funny though because when Kakashi’s babies went to the Chunin exam he literally brought Sasuke in like hours late

“A guy’s gotta have a scar or two get some cred” but how many scars must Kakashi’s heart endure Obito

Lmao @ Tsunade calling “hold” for Team Minato to deal with their Emotional Issues

In all fairness to Kakashi, Minato, he did his fair share of lecturing before you arrived

What is it with these boys and sitting atop each other for minutes at a time while reliving their memories together

“I’ve thought that this world is hell too” Minato gets to hear about the burden Kakashi has been carrying for twenty years

“So that’s where Madara is” you’d think the giant wooden dragon would also be a give-away

I’m very concerned about Gaara but I’m proud of him for making peace with Shukaku

I don't know if Hinata's voice actor changed or if she forgot how to do young Hinata or if I forgot how she sounds but something seems odd

My boy Neji!!! I miss him so much

Why are the Hyuga like this I need reformation #JusticeForNeji

Hanabi discovers that her sister is a peeping tom at the age of 5

The fact that sunset on the beach ending is accompanied by the lyrics “I shouldn't love you, no, no, no” as Naruto and Sasuke meet this is truly the Gay Agenda

So many Naruto episodes are just retelling Part 1 events through different perspectives lmao 

Hanabi WHY ARE YOU HAVING A FLASHBACK ABOUT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TEN SECONDS AGO

I have so many feelings about Neji and Hinata like he is her Excessively Pretentious Older Brother why is his life so sad!!!! Revive him and let him uncle her babies 

“I want to choose my own path without being influenced by anyone else” all of your memories are about how Hinata was being influenced by Naruto Hanabi but I understand your sentiment 

I know this is supposed to be a recounting of a very serious moment but I can't stop laughing about Kakashi's five hour straddle of Obito like sensei like student

“You just lie there, okay?” Kakashi is so gentle with the friend he was just trying to murder  

“What's that?” Hashirama should really be more fazed about being a face titty on his bff

Black Zetsu is such a dick Kakashi and Minato don't deserve this 

Madara: Family reunion?

Sasuke: How about I kill you instead

Madara: Why does everyone I invite keep saying this 

Real talk how does Madara even know what Sasuke's eyes look like if he HAS NO EYES CURRENTLY

This episode is called "The Hidden Heart" and I hope it's a joke about Madara's heart being hidden under his Hashirama face titty

In a way the Tailed Beasts are all like bickering siblings

Nothing livens up a party like auto-cannibalism

Kakashi, three seconds after declaring possible victory: I failed

Gaara and Shukaku's friendship means the world to me we've come so far my tiny murder child

FLY SAND BOY FLY LIKE THE WIND

Hashirama, after witnessing Madara kill literally thousands of people: Madara is fundamentally kind

Tobirama is already pinned down Madara now you're just being mean

“To be honest, I've been wanting to do this to you for a very long time now” Kinkshame Madara Uchiha

Tenzo's jutsu is strong enough to hold off the five Kage and I'm very emo about it

“He's using wood style... who is he?” I WONDER WHO IT COULD BE OF THE THE TWO WOOD STYLE USERS TO EVER EXIST IN THE UNIVERSE ONE OF WHOM IS DEAD

“I asked you what does it feel like to poo” Swirly still asking the tough questions over 17 years later

God bless Sakura shouting words of encouragement as she heals Naruto

Naruto and Sasuke vowed to die together and they are so hardcore committed both of their hearts stopped at the same time

[phoenixyfriend]

AU where Deidara becomes inexplicably fond of 'Tobi' to the point of just going 'fuck it' and following Obito into crazytown and, if Obito survives The Kaguya Nonsense, he now has a bitchy art school grad student following him around like "you fucked with my head for a year after making people pressgang me into a terrorist cell, now it's my turn to fuck with you." This is partly because this one post lives in my head rent-free.

(Brainstormed on discord with help from @britishassistant​. Please note that while I do usually headcanon Dei as nonbinary, this brainstorm kept to he/him pronouns and referring to him as a boy.)

Confession that this arose because I keep imagining 'person travels back to the Founders Era and wreaks havoc via Confusions, using different characters capable of 'why the FUCK' reactions every time, pinged on T7+Obito but Obito had to bring Deidara and everyone Regrets, because... boom.

Nobody wants Deidara involved, except Deidara. People especially do not want Deidara and Sai in the same room, because between Deidara's hands and Sai's 'commentary,' someone's going to get murdered. -- (Deidara is of the opinion that he should be involved in everything where there is the potential for blowing something or someone up. Deidara was sort of invited, in that Obito refuses to leave him unsupervised, but nobody really wants him, like, doing things.)

Team Seven is trying to help push a peace treaty through for the Senju and Uchiha. Keeping an eye out for Zetsu, Obito's talking Madara around as the person who actually knows him best, Naruto is Vibing with Hashirama on a level nobody hoped they'd reach, Sakura's smoothing ruffled feathers by healing the dying, Yamato is demonstrating Mokuton as evidence of something, and Kakashi has his hand over Sai's mouth so they don't cause an international incident. Sasuke isn't helping, just kind of in a stare-off with Izuna.

And then Obito says, "Wait, shit. We're missing a blonde." "Where's your idiot, Obito?" "He's not my idiot, Bakashi, he just--" BOOM "Ah, shit." [cue maniacal laughter in the middle distance]

"This is why I told you to keep an eye on him while I talked to Madara!" "I told Sasuke to do it!” "Why do you expect Sasuke to do anything you tell him to do?"

Part of what I was going for was: 1. Deidara and Obito have a preexisting relationship that angles heavily towards mutual antagonism due to the whole Tobi thing. 2. Deidara is both completely unhinged and capable of mass destruction, which means he's perfectly set to Cause Problems. And of course 3. This means a role reversal where Obito finds the shoe on the other foot because now he’s the one trying to rein in Deidara.

Obito is 100% done with Deidara, but this asshole is kind of his responsibility? Like? What's he gonna do, hand the kid over to Onoki? Nah, bruh, his douchebag teenage sidekick deserves better than Iwa. -- (Deidara does not, in fact, deserve better than Iwa.) -- It’s like Deidara is his kid or something, like he knows he’s hellspawn but he’s Obito’s hellspawn.

Madara: You came to convince us of peace, yet you bring-- Obito: No, shut up, it's better than leaving him to his own devices, at least this way I can stop him. Hashirama: How do we convince the Daimyou this is a good idea? Madara: We need to make him think there's a bigger threat, maybe? One that he can't fight without united shinobi clans to hire, rather than pitting us against one another to maintain his economic dominance. Hashirama: But there aren't any bi-- Deidara: I VOLUNTEER

Obito: So what are we going to do? Deidara: Blow up buildings belonging to the rich and powerful. Obito: And what are we not going to do? Deidara: ...blow up the innocent? Like kids? And poor people? Obito: Okay, yes. That's pretty much it. Deidara: Wait, can I blow up a monastery? Obito: Do you want the Shinigami to come after our heads?! No!!! Deidara: What if it's a Jashinist temple? Obito: We have seen evidence that one exists, do you really want to risk it?

Hashirama, full of 😀 : I brought dango! Deidara, to Obito: Are you going to eat it with your eye again. Madara, Izuna, all the Uchiha: [turn to stare] Obito: Literally why do I put up with you.

(Deidara is that one kid who Delights in telling everyone about the weird and dumb shit Obito pulled as Tobi.)

Deidara: Hey, dipshit, you wanna-- Obito:

Also, Kakashi has his four brats so Obito gets to keep Deidara. It’s only fair. -- Kakashi at least has Tenzo to coparent, and some of his kids are well-behaved... ish. They try, at least. Obito's just got a Hell Child who actively delights in causing mischief and mayhem. -- The most Naruto's going to do is dye your hair in your sleep. Sai makes dick jokes and Sakura punches things, but overall, they're not bad kids! Sasuke is. Sasuke. But that's okay, that's why there's a solid five people in that team to handle his bullshit.

Whereas Obito is stuck. With an art school grad student. -- Deidara is contextually the epitome of "I think I will cause problems on purpose." -- (Deidara... is what Tenzo would call “a bad influence.”)

Btw? Keep Sai and Deidara away from each other. Kakashi learns that the hard way. -- "Captain, the art kids are fightingggggg!"

Kakashi: Obito get a handle on your disaster Obito: DON’T YOU TALK ABOUT MY BOY THAT WAY

Jumping back a tiny bit though, Obito regularly asks Yamato to use his Mokuton to seal up Deidara's chakra for a bit. (Is this how it works in canon? Probably not, I think it's just bijuu chakra, but I also Do Not Care.)

But honestly, when it comes to Team Seven, Deidara is that one older cousin at family reunions that teaches you how to hotwire a car. -- Deidara is okay with Naruto and Sakura, ish. -- He antagonizes Sai in a way that ends in tears. -- He. Has to be kept away from Sasuke. For a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with Eyes and Explosions and Itachi.

Sasuke barely remembers who Deidara is, he’s just grumpy he couldn’t bring anyone from Taka with him.

Meanwhile Taka is just. They’re assholes? Taka bitches enough to hunt him down. They excuse it with "Juugo needs you" -- "I'm in a different dimension, eighty years in the past, how did you..." -- "Science ninja. Best sensor on the continent." -- "Also we asked Orochimaru for help." -- "Yeah, we asked Orochimaru for help."

Taka being there signals a marked improvement in Sasuke’s demeanor and cooperation, and Kakashi just resigns himself to having four more kids. -- Juugo is a godsend when he's not being set off into a homicidal rage. And he apologizes! Meanwhile, Karin and Suigetsu are The Worst.

T7+Obito and Deidara have been in the past and bullying the clans into a peace for like a week and then they just hear MASSIVE ROARING a mile away and Sasuke's like "Oh, hey, it's my idiots." -- Sasuke’s grinning for the first time in weeks. (It’s tiny and barely perceptible but it’s there.) -- I don't know that Taka could actually help at all, but they sure can cause more problems. Unlike Deidara, most of them are not intentional.

Suigetsu: Hey, Sasuke, so I know that Deidara guy tried to kill you... Sasuke: He did? Suigetsu: --but would you be mad if I tried to hook up with him? Sasuke: I don't care, knock yourself out.

(Suigetsu is the kind of man that wears tearaway pants just to reveal rainbow leggings that say "I'M GAY" on them. If Suigetsu and Sasuke didn't have at least one 'no homo' make-out session... well, I wouldn't put money on it either way, but I do think it's a valid reading of the text.)

------------------

Deidara: What's it like when Obito actually decides to be serious? Kakashi: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh Obito, previously:

Kakashi: Trauma. It's trauma.

[phoenixyfriend]

A Smattering of Ideas for a Neji Time-Travel Fic

[EDIT: okay so viewing the post on dash or sidebar blog completely ruins the bullet nesting for some reason. Please open it in a new tab.]

Okay so I actually wrote the first chapter or two of this like... almost a decade ago probably, but the concept was:

Neji, upon dying, gets sent back, and he's perfectly healthy again, pretty much exactly as he was just before getting mokuton-stabbed... except the seal damage wasn't reversed, so he's blind.

I think he ended up like riiiiiight before the Hyuuga Incident, so about of age with Kakashi & co.

But yeah like imagine telling Hiashi about it.

We have a new Jounin! It's a blind Hyuuga.

His seal is gone! He's technically your nephew.

He needs to be retrained for blindness! He needs to be protected for the information he carries.

He's a time-traveler!

Have fun.

The Hyuuga clan has like a million things going on but future Neji is just finding his younger self and Hinata to cuddle them.

He can't see shit but he Needs To Hug Baby Hinata

She's so small? She needs to be protected?

"Sir, you're blind now." "If Lee can be a ninja without chakra, I can be a ninja without eyes." "Sir. Sir that's--that's not the same thing, you can't--SIR." "I'll ask Hatake for advice." "He's still got half of his--SIR!"

Neji is a genius, if there's anyone who can pivot their entire fighting style from "I can see everything" to "I don't need to see anything" it's someone like him. Especially with the "I need to protect all these smols and be strong enough to force people to take my advice seriously if necessary" motivation

BUT But But for the first few days, it's just like. Sir. I understand you want to protect this small child, but you walked into three walls in the past hour. Please st--sir.

Fun option is "Neji spills all the beans... to Hiashi, not the Hokage."

Hiashi: Okay so like. Give me a few days to come up with a cover story for your existence. Neji: That's fair. Hiashi: Do. Do you want me to send in Hizashi or...? Neji: I'll tell him the truth if you do. Hiashi: That's, uh... that's fine. Neji: Then yes. Please. Hiashi, thoroughly unnerved for a variety of reasons: Right. I'll go do that.

Relevant: "Stop trying to convince me to put the Caged Bird Seal on a man who is already blind."

Since that's the ostensible reasoning of the seal, and like. You can't make that argument about keeping the eyes safe when the eyes don't... work.

Courtesy of @firebirdeternal​, along with a bunch of other stuff but especially this:

ooooh feels moment: Neji starts his retraining to become Strong Enough without his eyesight, guess who sees him working his ass off to overcome a disadvantage and thinks "Oh, there's a person I should Be Friends With!"

Part of me just went "Gai gets injured on a mission and, while waiting out his medical leave, gets assigned to Neji as a guide/sparring partner"

Or, well, not assigned. He's just doing one-armed pushups in the training yard with a cast on half his limbs after breaking out of the hospital and zeros in on Neji like "Ah yes, medically inadvisable training, a Bonding Activity!"

Neji goes from "I can see everything" to "I can't see shit but if you're within arms reach you're fucked"

A lot of it comes down to Neji building up non-Byakugan sensing abilities, I think?

It won't help him read, but it'll sure help him avoid getting punched.

I think that's really the crux of his New Style, however he works it out, instead of having this Massive Range of perfect perception he just trains his other senses until he still has that perfect perception effectively, just in like a two foot radius around his person

and then he goes full Rock Lee and trains speed and reaction time until that two feet is enough

I want Daredevil-style bitchiness at some point, in the "Okay, I'm sure the contract is lovely, but do you have it in braille, perhaps?" sense

And Toph-style stuff

Genma, in the Jounin lounge: "Hey guys I think I've got a design finished for the new tattoo I'm gonna get, what do ya'll think?" 'holds up scroll' Kakashi: "Why would you get a tattoo of an ugly couch?" Genma: "It's not an ugly couch it's the Hokage Monument!" Neji: "It looks perfect to me" Genma: "Thank you! I worked really hard on-..... why do you feel the need to do these things."

Also I want Neji to have the same approach as Matt to a cane. He can make do without it, but it sure does make his life easier when he's off-duty.

Like, yes if he focuses his entire, highly trained person, on perceiving his surroundings, he can sense his way around. But that is very tiring

Like that is a lot of work to be doing, when you are just trying to get to the coffee shop for a bagel

Neji learns Sage Mode solely because he wants to be able to tree-hop again

Neji visits Kakashi like "I can't ask the Inuzuka for this because their dogs are clan-specific, but do you know where I can find a guide dog that can double as a ninken in the field?"

Neji asking Gai to help him pick out a feminine yukata because if ANYONE is going to not judge...

Listen I'm just really invested in what Naruto SD told us about how often Neji cross-dresses

Someone asked me which summons Neji learns Sage Mode from, and 

I mean, Hashirama supposedly just. Learned it? Without summons?

So maybe Neji does that and just learns from Jiraiya or something

Though it's not... particularly safe.

Birdie had the best response

learning it Without a Summon is very much in the vein of Neji's past attitudes towards Special Secret Techniques, given that he learned the Kaiten with no help even though it was a Secret Technique of the Hyuuga.

"I know it's possible to do, so the hard part is already over, the rest is just figuring it out and doing it"

Neji: I'm here, I'm queer, I'm blind as fuck.

Neji hanging out with Gai and Kakashi is, admittedly, not that different from hanging out with Lee and TenTen

Kakashi is a bit more likely to join in on the shenanigans than Tenten was, but he's still just as available for "We're judging you" sessions

Neji, sipping tea as Gai yells: this is my comfort zone.

Neji with a white cane: This is my whacking stick. Hiashi: Don't you mean walking stick? Neji: No.

Because... what ninja wouldn't ensure that any normal part of their daily life was fit for battle.

Like if Karin can hide lockpicks in a photo and a knife in her glasses, Neji can ensure his white cane is suitable for battle.

(Going off the earlier Daredevil comparisons, I’d say this is similar to Matt turning his cane into billy clubs sometimes.)

Neji, assuming the role of Chief Babysitter for SmolNeji and Hinata, senses Lee and Tenten at the park. Nudges SmolNeji: "Go, be friends with them"

SmolNeji, watching Lee faceplant into the dirt while trying to jump off the swing while Tenten chases two boys around with a weird frog she found: ".... why"

Neji: "Just trust me"

Also consider older Neji giving baby Hinata shoulder rides

Baby Hinata is delighted by this whole affair.

More time with big brother, and a new even bigger brother? Best times.

Bigger brother needs help reading sometimes and Hinata is so excited to help. Hiashi even approves because helping older Neji read things like menus and the like is helping Hinata learn how to read, so it benefits everyone.

Consider also: Neji encouraging the smols to play with bby Naruto, a Hyuuga elder (or possibly Hiashi, but I want him to be a confused accomplice) complains exactly once and Neji exudes such a powerful "Do not test me" energy that he just kind of. Drops it.

Neji's attitude towards baby Naruto is somewhere between "They're good dogs Brent" and "I died for him once already, do you think I'd hesitate to kill?" and it depends entirely on how seriously he thinks you're talking shit about him

Neji plays with the smols, including smol Naruto, by just being the Perfect Straight Man. Just taking every nonsense thing Naruto says Completely Seriously and using deadpan reactions to chaos to make them giggle. This drifts into Feels for Naruto when he's the first adult who takes his "I'm gonna be the Hokage" completely seriously

"Of course, chibi-Hokage-sama"

Hiashi: "What.... are you.... doing?" Neji: "Ah, Hiashi-sama. Please exercise caution, the floor has mysteriously transformed into molten rock. I suspect enemy action, but have no further intelligence at this time" SmolNeji, Hinata, and Naruto: 'wild giggling as they dangle from rafters/stand balanced precariously on chairs'

Hiashi takes one step into the room and all the kids start screaming so loud he steps back out in shock

Neji out in Konoha just Causing Shit with plausible deniability

Listen. Neji is PETTY.

Someone describes Naruto as "the annoying blonde child with the whiskers, you know, the skin brat" and Neji says "I'm a sensor and have encountered no demonic chakra"

"okay just avoid the blonde kid with the whiskers"

"I don't know how to tell you this..." 

"Sir, I know you're new in town, but that kid isn't really good news--" "A child can't be news unless they're recently born." "No, I mean, didn't anyone tell you to avoid the blonde kid with the whiskers?" "Naruto's blonde?"

Possibly "Hinata's blonde?"

He just, aggressively misunderstands that any insinuation about Naruto is about the Hyuuga heir instead

Birdie said they like the idea that he uses the aggressive deliberate misunderstanding to force people to either be embarrassed by how they're acting by having to spell it out or give up in quieter shame

Sometimes Neji gets tired of being obtuse and just lets Gai do it for him

Gai babysits on occasion, SmolNeji is aghast, Hinata mostly just confused, Naruto is delighted

Naruto is just Stars In Eyes about Gai

Kakashi: this is not the excuse I expected to have for visiting Naruto but I'm taking it

[mira--mira]

I have a question about OOT, I don't remember if you have talked about this before but I have wondered how Madara and Hashirama would react to Naruto's sexy justu? Will we see any of that in the future?

I dont think Ive mentioned it before, but the sexy jutsu is actually coming up very soon! Its in one of the last interlude chapters. Due to a bit of timeline sheningans the chunin exams got pushed back and bc Obito directly encountered the terrors the Akatsuki plans will be delayed a bit too. However Jiraiya was completely independent of these so hes about to show up in the village and will run into Naruto and have a slightly different interaction in canon, but basically the sexy jutsu and summoning gets brought up so of course he decides to 1. show Madara his 100% effective super cool ultimate distraction technique to get his praise and 2. ask him about the weird dude pulling toads out of nowhere.

(Also as a side note, due to the direction I have for the fic I cant really scrap jiraiya, but uh lets just say others react to his...proclivities in more appropriate ways imo. Its not treated as ~quirky~ but harmless by the narrative. Hes a creep in canon and a lot more characters recognize this in-fic.)

Anyway Naruto shows Madara the sexy technique expecting great results but he gets nothing. Madara is very gay. The Uchiha also had communal baths and children were taken by whichever parent was available. Hes seen a lot of naked women. The most he'll admit is it could be a good distraction technique but only for a split second against a competent opponent. Naruto, miffed, tries the reverse technique. He hasnt practised it as much tho so it comes out a bit wonky and Madara is equally as unimpressed. A sexy adult man version of Naruto is still a version of *Naruto* his student/little brother. Naruto, properly irritated now bc he was sure the techniques would go over well, tries one last thing. He transforms into a flirty (but age appropriate) version of Hashirama.

That gets a reaction, but not the one he was expecting, namely Madara's instinctive reaction to punch anything that pretends to be Hashirama but is clearly not. He sends Naruto flying, before immediately rushing to his side, scolding him and apologizing in the same breath. (Madara has already perfected the technique of determining the real Hashirama apart from his clones and logically I extend this to anyone else transforming into Hashirama.) Meanwhile the real Hashirama, whos been sitting to the side with Tatsuki watching this all go down, is bent over laughing.

As for Hashiramas reaction the sexy technique or its reverse counterpart, I typically put him in the same category as Madara as far as reactions go. I switch back and forth between headcanons of him as bi or gay. Either way though its very obviously Naruto transforming into sexy adult versions of himself and Hashirama and Madara are so wrapped up in each other even if he could be attracted to the sexy woman/man, hed probably be shocked at the shift the very first time and then not much more.

[mira--mira]

okay i love the fact that for the summons they adore madara and are wary of hashi and want nothing to do with him in reverse of how shinobi are around hashimada? mikuzume adoring being around madara and hissing at naruto is very cute though them getting along eventually and both liking mada-nii probably is a bit of what brings them together! gai's summon ningame being one of those who're cold towards hashi and approving of madara has me smile at the thought of it

Exactly! The reputations are almost polar opposites between humans and summons. Mikuzume and Naruto do bond over Madara (though they also squabble for his attention a bit) and they have a nice scene or two in the forest of death where they come to depend on each other a little more 😉

Here's a little (unedited) sneak peak of Ningame reacting to Hashirama

“Hpmh! For once you don’t summon me in some asinine place…” Ningame trails off as his eyes slide over Gai-sensei to Hashirama sitting next to him. His eyes narrow and if it’s possible, his lip curls up in distaste.

“Oh come on! First the slugs, then the foxes, and now the tortoise hates me? For what? What did I do?!” Hashirama complains, throwing his hands into the air.

“You exist,” Ningame mutters.

“That is not helpful!” Hashirama crosses his arms and pouts.