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āĻāĻ āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤāĻā§āϞ⧠āĻĨā§āĻā§ āĻŦā§āĻāĻž āϝāĻžāϝāĻŧ, āϝāĻžāϰāĻž āϏā§āĻĒāĻĨā§āϰ āϏāύā§āϧāĻžāύ āĻāϰāĻŦā§, āϤāĻžāĻĻā§āϰāĻā§ āϏā§āĻĒāĻĨā§āϰ āϏāύā§āϧāĻžāύ āĻĻā§āϝāĻŧāĻžāĻ āĻāϞā§āϞāĻžāĻš āϤāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϞāĻžāϰ āύā§āϤāĻŋāĨ¤ āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āĻĨā§āĻā§ āĻāĻāĻžāĻ āĻŦā§āĻāĻž āϝāĻžāϝāĻŧ āϝā§, āϝ⧠āĻŦā§āϝāĻā§āϤāĻŋ āύāĻŋāĻā§āĻā§ āĻĒāĻŦāĻŋāϤā§āϰ āĻāϰāϤ⧠āĻā§āώā§āĻāĻž āĻāϰ⧠āϏ⧠āϏāĻĢāϞ āĻšāϝāĻŧāĨ¤â
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ āĻāϞā§āϞāĻžāĻšāϰ āĻšāĻžāϤā§, āϤāĻŋāύāĻŋ āϝāĻžāĻā§ āĻāĻā§āĻāĻž āϤāĻž āĻĻāĻžāύ āĻāϰā§āύ
#āĻāĻĒāύāĻŋ āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāϰ āĻāĻā§āύ āĻŦā§āĻāĻŦā§āύ āϝā§āĻāĻžāĻŦā§#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āϞāĻžāĻā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāĻžāϝāĻŧ#Ways to gain guidance#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ#āύāĻŋāϰā§āĻĻā§āĻļāύāĻž#Guidance#How to know you are on the right path#RightPath#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ#Youtube
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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#āĻāĻĒāύāĻŋ āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāϰ āĻāĻā§āύ āĻŦā§āĻāĻŦā§āύ āϝā§āĻāĻžāĻŦā§#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āϞāĻžāĻā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāĻžāϝāĻŧ#Ways to gain guidance#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ#āύāĻŋāϰā§āĻĻā§āĻļāύāĻž#Guidance#How to know you are on the right path#RightPath#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ#Youtube
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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#āĻāĻĒāύāĻŋ āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāϰ āĻāĻā§āύ āĻŦā§āĻāĻŦā§āύ āϝā§āĻāĻžāĻŦā§#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āϞāĻžāĻā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāĻžāϝāĻŧ#Ways to gain guidance#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ#āύāĻŋāϰā§āĻĻā§āĻļāύāĻž#Guidance#How to know you are on the right path#RightPath#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ#Youtube
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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#āĻāĻĒāύāĻŋ āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāϰ āĻāĻā§āύ āĻŦā§āĻāĻŦā§āύ āϝā§āĻāĻžāĻŦā§#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āϞāĻžāĻā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāĻžāϝāĻŧ#Ways to gain guidance#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ#āύāĻŋāϰā§āĻĻā§āĻļāύāĻž#Guidance#How to know you are on the right path#RightPath#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ#Youtube
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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āύā§āϝ āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ⧠āĻŦāϞāĻž āĻšāϝāĻŧā§āĻā§, âāĻāϰ āĻāϏāĻŋ āĻāĻžāϞ⧠āĻ āĻŽāύā§āĻĻ āĻāĻāϝāĻŧ āĻĒāĻĨ āϤāĻžāϰ āĻāύā§āϝ āϏā§āϏā§āĻĒāώā§āĻ āĻāϰ⧠āϰā§āĻā§ āĻĻāĻŋāϝāĻŧā§āĻāĻŋāĨ¤â (āϏā§āϰāĻž āĻāϞ-āĻŦāĻžāϞāĻžāĻĻ, āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ ā§§ā§Ļ)
āĻāϰāĻ āĻŦāϞāĻž āĻšāϝāĻŧā§āĻā§, âāĻāĻŽāĻŋ āϤāĻžāĻĻā§āϰāĻā§ āĻĒāĻĨ āĻĻā§āĻāĻŋāϝāĻŧā§ āĻĻāĻŋāϝāĻŧā§āĻāĻŋ, āĻāĻžāĻāϞ⧠āϤāĻžāϰāĻž āĻā§āϤāĻā§āĻ āĻšāϤ⧠āĻĒāĻžāϰ⧠āĻāĻŦāĻžāϰ āĻāĻžāĻāϞ⧠āĻšāϤ⧠āĻĒāĻžāϰ⧠āĻ
āϏā§āĻŦā§āĻāĻžāϰāĻāĻžāϰā§āĨ¤â  (āϏā§āϰāĻž āĻāϞ-āĻāύāϏāĻžāύ, āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ, ā§Š)
āĻāĻ āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤāĻā§āϞ⧠āĻĨā§āĻā§ āĻŦā§āĻāĻž āϝāĻžāϝāĻŧ, āϝāĻžāϰāĻž āϏā§āĻĒāĻĨā§āϰ āϏāύā§āϧāĻžāύ āĻāϰāĻŦā§, āϤāĻžāĻĻā§āϰāĻā§ āϏā§āĻĒāĻĨā§āϰ āϏāύā§āϧāĻžāύ āĻĻā§āϝāĻŧāĻžāĻ āĻāϞā§āϞāĻžāĻš āϤāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϞāĻžāϰ āύā§āϤāĻŋāĨ¤ āĻāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āĻĨā§āĻā§ āĻāĻāĻžāĻ āĻŦā§āĻāĻž āϝāĻžāϝāĻŧ āϝā§, āϝ⧠āĻŦā§āϝāĻā§āϤāĻŋ āύāĻŋāĻā§āĻā§ āĻĒāĻŦāĻŋāϤā§āϰ āĻāϰāϤ⧠āĻā§āώā§āĻāĻž āĻāϰ⧠āϏ⧠āϏāĻĢāϞ āĻšāϝāĻŧāĨ¤â
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHvKj9xGcEg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5r5uG1Hbco
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=klDbaWF73qU&t=411s
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āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ āĻāϞā§āϞāĻžāĻšāϰ āĻšāĻžāϤā§, āϤāĻŋāύāĻŋ āϝāĻžāĻā§ āĻāĻā§āĻāĻž āϤāĻž āĻĻāĻžāύ āĻāϰā§āύ
#āĻāĻĒāύāĻŋ āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāϰ āĻāĻā§āύ āĻŦā§āĻāĻŦā§āύ āϝā§āĻāĻžāĻŦā§#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ āϞāĻžāĻā§āϰ āĻāĻĒāĻžāϝāĻŧ#Ways to gain guidance#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧāĻžāϤ#āύāĻŋāϰā§āĻĻā§āĻļāύāĻž#Guidance#How to know you are on the right path#RightPath#āĻšā§āĻĻāĻžāϝāĻŧā§āϤ#Youtube
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The Council of Optimuses: Pleasant, generally positive, they exiled Bayverse a while ago but they still check in once in a while to make sure he's ok/out of curiosity, Earthspark enables One's 'I can fix him' delusion to the point that Prime is falling into it too, IDW does NOT want to add to the delusion pile so he shuts up, Cyberverse kinda doesn't want to be at this meeting it feels too much like a party, IDW keeps making calls to somebody but he won't tell anyone who, they used to have 'bring your Bumblebee to work day' but Skybound had a breakdown over it so they can't do that anymore, everybody is suspicious of Skybound's new arm but the only person who actually brought it up was Bayverse whose solution was 'kill him' so now everybody thinks they are getting paranoid and should maybe start seeing a therapist (they should start seeing therapists, but they ARE right about the arm).
The Council of Megatrons: They are having a great time even if it looks horrible from the outside looking in, Prime constantly wants to fight IDW for his spot as the strongest Megatron but IDW is not about that, they tried to kick out Earthspark but he somehow keeps getting in (IDW leaves the door open), One has like 5 devils on his shoulder telling him to escalate and two fallen angels who are desperately trying to get across that maybe total destruction isn't the move, IDW is trying to hide his redemption arc in order to keep the situation under control (only Earthspark is aware of it, though Skybound has his suspicions), Cyberverse always tries to kill the others to take over their universes and it's the highlight of everybody's month, Bayverse is mocked for being killed by Optimus but secretly everybody is kinda jealous about it (Prime especially), one time an unidentified Starscream (it was Animated) broke in and it was on sight (he got away because every Megatron wanted to be the one who killed him and they fought each other over it), IDW keeps taking calls from somebody but he won't tell anyone who, Skybound can listen in on his Optimus's meetings due to being his arm and reports back, there is an ongoing debate about whether Galvatrons should be included.
Inspired by @jyang030107 's art of ES and IDW Megs advising their One counterpart.
#optimus prime#megatron#tf one#tf prime#tf cyberverse#tf idw#tf earthspark#tf bayverse#tf skybound#animated and G1 cartoon are my main blindspots so I didn't include them here#can you tell which one of these is my favorite based on how often I brought up their versions relative to the others?#I do genuinely like all of these interpretations for varying reasons but idk man I love comics so much#though I do only like Bayverse Optimus because I'm imagining every other Optimus just being genuinely upset at his existence#'GIVE ME YOUR FACE' 'or maybe we could just talk to him? or kill him normally?' '*fast forward one movie* 'hey megatron was just saying#that he wants a truce!! How lucky!! that's further than most of us have gotten on the path to peace!! what are you gonna...#...you're just gonna kill him? and then kill Sentinel as he begs for his life? when you could have ended this peacefully? what?'#he's uninvited from meetings but sometimes he shows up anyways and the others just get so curious#'what has he done this time?' 'I heard him say that he swore to never kill humans.' 'That's progress!'#*one meeting later* 'ok so you know how he just swore to never kill humans? he just killed a human.' '...what is wrong with him?'#meanwhile Bayverse Megatron fits right in with the others. I like him less by virtue of the movies he's in but he's still like#recognizably Megatron and not so ooc that it makes me bust out laughing during serious moments. he's a fairly standard Megatron.
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singin' in the rain, just singin' in the rain
#you know how 3 hours ago I posted sure I could go to bed early/ at a reasonable hour#or I could draw something I've been wanting to draw all week?#yeah this was it.#fun 3 hours. but uh. yeah that was a garden of forking paths choice and I made my choice. it might not longer be a reasonable hour.#well depends on your definition of reasonable. I could see it.#this looks a bit busier than I had intended. probably should have made the buildings grey instead of trying for carcosa.#I'd like to thank soup for giving me this idea in a round about way. I had to think of propaganda for my Kayne for the Kayne collection#and âwould sing singin' in the rain after a massacreâ popped in my head and I've been wanting to draw this since.#oh right tags uhhhh#kayne malevolent#malevolent#my art#slight edit to the tags because they apparently got moved around weirdly. what.
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Cole: His face in the stands, watching as I pass the test. So proud there's tears in his eyes.
Cole: Anything to make him happy, anything.
Cole: Why isn't that true anymore?
/
Dorian: He says weâre alike. Too much pride. Once I would have been overjoyed to hear him say that. Now Iâm not certain.
/
Halward: This is not what I wanted.
Dorian: I'm never what you wanted, Father, or had you forgotten?
/
Nightmare: Greetings, DorianâĻ It is Dorian, isnât it? For a moment, I mistook you for your father.
#nightmare comparing him to his father is crazy. because like#i donât think dorian is even aware that he compares himself to halward#he always tries to insist that halward is better than he probably actually is. âheâs a good man deep downâ etc#and itâs entangled with his own worries about whether heâs a good person. always trying to do the right thing. to be the good tevinter#to help others wherever he can and apologize for his missteps and learn from experiences he doesnât understand#all things that halward never does. he doesnât apologize to dorian. he doesnât try to change anything in tevinter. and i think dorian knows#that halward is not as good of a person as heâs tried to convince himself that he is. and that scares him#because he works so hard to be good. but what if itâs not enough? what if heâs just lying to himself like he does about his father?#he so desperately wants to be different than halward. wants to be better. and accepting that halward is just like all the other magisters#really opens up the fear of him being just like them too. which is so mortifying that he canât face it#nightmare yanks it out from the depths of his soul. you could turn out just like him. how are you different? what makes you better?#his greatest fear is temptation. he fears giving in to the easier option. he fears that he wonât be strong enough to stick to his principle#because taking the path of least resistance just leaves things as they are. is halward really a good man if he never takes the hard road?#âhe taught me principle is important.â but he was a hypocrite. he betrayed his principles because it was easier#than doing the right thing. and dorian is terrified more than anything else that heâll follow in halwardâs footsteps#argh.#doyou know wgat iâm saying. thereâs so much here#dorian pavus#eliasposts
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And some days, I just wish you wouldn't look at me at all.
#ffxiv#sketch#wol#meteor survivor#zenos yae galvus#adventurer zenos#oh no#its the consequences of his actions#everything is fine until the only man on the star you care about looks at you with the same contempt your father did#(Meteor's not doing it intentionally- its a reflex after he comes back for quite a bit)#and zenos is getting bodied because its been a while since... you know... him being able to really feel anything at all#and no- its not him regretting anything that had to do with varis- just him regretting the thought meteor could look at him like that#little does Meteor know he's emotionally bodying the man he's trying to be cordial with#its a little okay because in how I write adventurer zenos this serves as one of his main wake-up calls to make some changes#and realizing both the mistakes he's made with meteor and that meteor hating him in any way is actually -not at all- what he wants#but not okay on the end that every time meteor does this he has to watch zenos actively dissociate right in front of him#until zenos just kinda autopilots and walks away#the second time (or perhaps third) in the last 11 years that zenos has felt regret to any major capacity-#on meteor's end I just enjoy seeing the progression of the WoL through subtext#and why meteor is willing to even entertain the idea despite how much he hates zenos- his decisions and the path he's walked#is the realization that there is high chance that he could actually be a direct catalyst for zenos' growth#and the realization the wol has that they were the only one zenos has ever genuinely reached out to#besides- i just like the idea of having your equal other half fighting back to back with you- or being able to handle threats you cant#and i find their dynamic neat- of meteor not forgiving zenos but giving him his last chance- and growing to enjoy being around him#and zenos being able to work on moving past being the weapon or the monster- finding the connections he's longed for#and giving himself purpose to finally truly just live- for him to learn to experience and have the freedom to find what he enjoys#(and curiously him having estinien's brand of accidently helping people even in StB gives me ideas...)#but enough tag ranting- ill get to zenos' actual adventuring in another post lol
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You mentioned Branch is a lot more u in the AU he went with JD & Jade
Will this sweep Poppy off her feet perchance? đ
To me Branch is always the one who falls first in every universe, their friendship and his crush would start in movie one and heâd be hardcore flirting and she just doesnât notice because of everything going on
They would meet around the time OG Branch wouldâve come to rescue her
At some point I'll clean these up and line them but I've been having entire arm issues so we got sketches rn
Things aren't all cupcakes and rainbows with the two of them, even with Branch not being gray he still harbors some worry and sadness which would end up being a point of conflict
Not shown to great extent here but his inability to see "the silver lining" would become a moment of conflict for them in place of singing killed my grandma
Also what Lief is doing during all of that:
He gets sent back to trolls village to help them hide from the Bergens while Poppy is away!
#dreamworks trolls#trolls#trolls oc#trolls au#trolls 3#n2 au#n2 explorer au#trolls broppy#trolls poppy#trolls branch#trolls oc lief#trolls oc smiggles#hes one of the crowd trolls lol#Lief and Branch got conveniently separated from John Dory#who has Rhonda so theyre just out in the wilderness#Branch is hyper protective at this point and really sent Lief back with the belief hed be safer in the village#than on a journey to bergen town#he not so secretly gave poppy the idea by begging her to ask him to leave#'hes just a little guy poppy blease'#he then has an absolute meltdown when creek (this guy he doesnt know) is revealed to be a traitor and a sell out#and now his lil baby nephew is in danger#not that he wouldnt be if hed gone with branch but thats not the point#this would be the other catalyst for Poppy going gray#cuz her two reasons were 'not being able to save the trolls' and 'branch was right about the world'#so Branchs meltdown about how terrible the situation is and his there are no silver linings mindset would set her down the sadness path#but then you know true colors#also branch is more positive than his og counterpart BUT#he also lost his whole family as a child and then his surrogate caretaker when Jade was snatched#i see his occasionally suave persona and his more positive attitude as masking all that mess inside#lief has a similar issue though his is more repression than masking
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felt so euphoric to be able to come out as nb/trans in Veilguard, loved the added dialogue they took the time to write and record just for such scenarios
now can we PLEASE make a game where u can explicitly, verbally come out as ace, and also without it automatically locking you out of the romance path
pls bioware (and other companies) some of us are STARVING
#would be nice to have been able to come out as ace and either have a lotta angst or have it be no big deal (which would be hella validating)#me picking the friends-option for Astarion in bg3 because we're clearly BOTH some level of ace#wtf do you mean that means the game refuses to consider the possibility of us still being romantically involved#Starboy I still wanna cuddle and flirt đ#boi needed intimacy withOUT the expectation of access to his body and I'M RIGHT WITH HIM ON THAT#why i gotta friendzone him#and yes i know Josephine's romance (DA:I) was tEcHNicALLy an asexual romance but it was never actually stated#it felt more like a 'courtly love' taking it slow kinda romance path#not because our characters weren't GONNA bone eventually post-game or smth#i WANT the certainty. i WANT my chara to be able to discuss it and have it affect how the companion interacts with you#in a way where it isn't treated as the LESSER (incomplete) version of the romance path#asexuality#acespec#dragon age#dragon age 4#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age veilguard#dragon age the veilguard#da4#DAtV#veilguard
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Lady Bone Demon: "Do not lament your fate child, you can rest knowing you served your purposeâdestiny has found you."
(2x10 This is the End!)
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Lady Bone Demon: "A reminder: it seems you can not be trusted to willingly follow the path of destiny. But know this: If you betray me againâone misstep, one failure in any wayâI will erase the very memory of you."
(3x04 The Winning Side)
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Tang: "You're wrong. I know I'm not a strong as they are. I may still be searching for my purposeâbut what I do know, is that doing it alone is not the path I'm destined to take. Deep in my heart, I know my place is alongside my friends."
(3x08 Benched)
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Lady Bone Demon: "I sent you a taskâyou were to retrieve the Monkie King and his protÊgÊ, yet you refused the path of destiny and so there will be pain."
(3x08 Benched)
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Tang: "STOP! It was me! I mean, yeah, Macaque forced me to do it and I am definitely starting to have second thoughts on the whole thing now but- I don't know how and I don't know why, I just felt like I had to. Like it was...destiny!" Lady Bone Demon Voice Over: "Destiny can not be undone Sun Wukong."
(3x10 The Samadhi Fire)
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Lady Bone Demon: "No matter what you do, you cannot change the path of destiny." MK: "I don't know if this all happened because it was destined to, but I have to believe that I found the staff so I could use it for good." [...] "If you really believed that destiny can't be changed, you wouldn't be using every ounce of power you have to keep him contained!"
(3x14 Destiny Fulfilled)
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Lady Bone Demon: âKnow this, monkey, you and I are not so different. We both fight for what we think is rightâthat pursuit only leads to one thing." MK: "Hmmhm. To destiny, right?" Lady Bone Demon: "No. To pain." Â
(3x14 Destiny Fulfilled)
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MK: "I can't believe that worked!" Tang: "Eh, if that was destined to go wrong, then it would have!"
(4x03 The Great Tang Man)
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Tang: "If your bonds of friendships our strong, then you will always find your way back to one another!"
(4x04 Pig Napped!)
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Macaque: "Wukong was on a path of self-destruction, we all were. But when he met the monk, it set him on a different path." MK: "Ah! The path of the good guy! Making those good life choices?"
(4x11 A Lifetime of Mistakes)
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Purpose, Pain, and the Path of Destiny
#originally this started as like ''huh Tang said the thing LBD said'' and then it turned into a 3 way thing between Tang LBD and MK#Like 2 sides of the destiny coin and the guy who undoes/changes destiny#''Destiny has found you'' ''You will always find your way back to one another!''#I FEEL FUCKING CRAZY#THE JOURNEY. THE PATH THERE. FINDING THE SCRIPTURES. YOUR FRIENDS. YOUR PURPOSE. DESTINY. IDK#lmk really was like ''Everyone's destiny is pain. Cope with that fact'' and I've been losing my mind for a year#Like whatever#''No matter what I do it's going to lead to pain''#LIKE THAT'S. THE PATH OF DESTINY (''path of self-destruction''). Okay. Okay#Not even that relevant to the post I'm just in so deep rn#''All doomed to play a role in tearing this world apart'' and then s5 being the world literally tearing itself apart. Like jesus#They really just wanted to completely decimate MK's little positive growth from the special like. Immediately.#''At least we fixed something for a change- instead of destroying it'' AND THEN THEY DIDN'T FIX ANYTHING#WHICH I'VE BEEN SAYING WAS HOW IT WOULD GO FOR A WHILE. BUT ON GOD TO BE PROVEN SO RIGHT#You know I hope Mei also has a terrible time next season I really feel like she was going through it in s4. But like subtly#Not MK's monkie mental breakdown way#*cough* tag rant over#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk parallels#lmk Tang#lmk LBD#lmk MK#lmk theme: destiny#to pain
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carlos' eyes in the meeting room........ carlos' eyes at the hospital..... at the IC room..... his guts are boiling with hot rage!!! this very stubborn hope. it's in the clench of his jaw since the funeral. the lump in his throat that he swallows back every time because that's how the gut-wrenching vestige of murder that hasn't received its justice yet feels like."i see it now. the eyes.." because that's the glimpse of the resolute unswerving gabriel in him that echos 'if there are tears to weep we do it when the time comes, not before'. you grief but you don't get defeated when there is still work to do in order to rest in that grief. and GODDD carlos is so righteously resolved about getting there. i want him so so bad to solve the case. finally bring that retribution and avenge his family and himself. he's been in the waxing and waning throes for too long he only deserves the purgation and finality of it more than anything!!!!!
because no way all of this relentless endeavour and sharp stubborn wit would culminate to anything but cracking it. even storytelling wise that would be disheartening not to bring it to its desired ends. because imagine. all this time carlos was so right about the rangers from the start. then he looped in. was kept so close under their wing. and then he now realises that he wasn't really truly '''stuck''' but he was trapped and misled instead and it's all tumbling down now over their heads and he's seeing through the cracks. finally the darkness makes sense and he can move in action through the pinnacle and into the resolution!!!
#i have deeper problems with takes that invalidate how important this is to carlos because it sees that letting go has equal psychological.#moral and emotional outcomes to pursuing justice and you shall be just fine after abandoning it after a certain amount of time as if that's#also not part of your life. it doesn't set right with me at all and I'd like to talk more about#like damn i know it's JUST A SHOW!! but every bit of me aligns with carlos' moral clarity about all of this. how he carries this#responsibility. how he holds himself accountable for the mistake he made when he wasn't seeing clear. how he doesn't back down but#simultaneously lives his life. getting married. being present in his marriage and trying to do better when he needs to (and i also have#issues with the disjointed and often contradictory storytelling here)#I just like to watch a story about justice winning because you didn't soften on injustice. because the path of this compelling instinct has#a price after all. i'll hate it so much if he didn't catch him at the end. or didn't at least reach a satisfying closure. I'll hate the#throwing of all of this into the unknown â to pacify it instead of treating it properly.#especially when that's a show about this exactly â the job!!! â these characters have the authority and the tools that allows them to#accomplish the mission. more or less#carlos reyes#911ls#5x08
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this âwomanâ he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)â and I'd be like âgood for them?â âstopâ#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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#it's strange to have a self contained perfectionism. i know other people who wish they could control other people out of being chaotic.#people who try to make everything black or white. people who want to always be in control of their situation and the big dangerous vehicles#they travel within. but that's not how my control issues manifest. i think people are allowed to be messy and irratic. i like when#situations and ideas are nuanced. i would rather not be in complete control of my surroundings. the only thing i need complete and utter#control of is myself. i am not allowed to be messy. i want everything about myself to be black or white. i want to have complete control of#this human vessel. my perfectionism is self contained. and its deeply irrational. and deeply frustrating because my perfectionism is#imperfect and lazy. because im getting better and its difficult but easier than i would have expected. and rationally i know thats a good#thing but then all i see is my lack of conviction. if i was more perfect i would be worse. if i was more perfect someone would have noticed#how sick i was or would have actually said or done something. someone would have stopped me. so i wasnt really that sick and im not really#that sick now. and its not a big deal. because it all seems so easy now. so it seems like i was just a slightly odd very quiet kid with#control issues who stopped eating and never learned how to take up any space. and i get so fucking frustrated at every doctor i talk to#because they all treat me so gently and talk to me so cautiously and i know thats their job and i know they're saying the right things. but#its not like i stumbled blindly into this. i did it intentionally and maliciously. i know its a road paved in suffering and ending in death.#that was the point. this wasnt born of vanity it was born of malice. and youre only worried now because im telling you to worry so shut the#fuck up and let me fix my own problem. its just that i never intended to make is this far and that me of the past was trying to poison my#future. so i have 15yrs curroded and spongy from wishing death upon myself. and now that the idea of my box of ashes sitting on my dad's#mantle next to my mom's rips me apart i have to find a new path forward. even when all i can think is that i still wish i was worse#resenting that i have to get better when it feels easier to be distructive. if you hand me a knife my instict is to twist it in my gut. so#what now? its just irritating. because i always was and remain a picky eater so i have to choose to choke down whats on my plate.#anyway. just another adventure in the eternal paradox of internal perfectionism while being a compulsively analytical ecologist.#unrelated
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