#HumorWriting

[juhnkit]

The fact that this gas station plays Led Zeppelin and Motörhead on Bob's "Mystic Journey Playlist" designed to "expand customers' consciousness toward premium snack purchases" while a one-eyed horror bear watches everything is peak liminal space vibes. 🎵👁️

[the-most-humble-blog]

"If You Check 3 or More, Seek Help Immediately"

☑️ Do You Think You’re a ‘Prize’ Just for Existing?

You woke up today, took a selfie, and thought, “Any man (or woman) would be lucky to have this”—even though you haven’t done anything but scroll TikTok and eat Hot Cheetos.

☑️ Do You Believe All Men Are Trash by Default?

Every guy is either a cheater, a predator, or (your personal favorite) “too emotionally unavailable to handle a strong woman like me.”

☑️ Have You Ever Convinced Yourself Your Female Friend Was Flirting?

She smiled at you once. Now you’re spiraling, thinking, “Maybe she wants me to rearrange her IKEA rug after all.”

☑️ Do You Refuse to Acknowledge That Not Everyone Wants You?

Men don’t like you? Blame “toxic masculinity.”

Women don’t like you? Blame “internalized misogyny.”

Maybe the truth is... you’re just not that likable.

☑️ Do You Think Self-Love Means Being a Narcissist?

You call yourself a queen 15 times a day, post thirst traps for validation, and spend hours wondering why no one takes you seriously.

☑️ Do You Believe That Being Single is Somehow Everyone Else’s Fault?

“Men are intimidated by me!” (They’re not.)

“Women don’t know what they’re missing!” (They do.)

☑️ Have You Chased Away a Man by Trying to Out-Man Him?

You insist on being “dominant,” but the second he lets you pick up the check or fight a spider, you start crying about chivalry.

☑️ Do You Post About Your Independence, Then Complain About Being Lonely?

“I don’t need anyone!” — 11 a.m.

“Why is everyone in a relationship but me?” — 11:03 a.m.

☑️ Do You Assume Women Are Safer Options Because You Suck at Dating Men?

You’ve said this to yourself at least once: “Maybe I’ll just try women… they’ll appreciate me.” Spoiler: They won’t.

☑️ Do You Think Having a Vagina Automatically Makes You Special?

Newsflash: It doesn’t. Half the planet has one. It’s not a golden ticket, it’s basic anatomy.

Results:

0-2 Checks: You’re in the clear... for now.

3-5 Checks: You’re dangerously close to being that annoying friend everyone avoids.

6+ Checks: Seek therapy immediately. Preferably from someone who doesn’t have “feminist life coach” in their bio.

🔥Reblog The Most Humble Blog for more checklists to roast your delusions and keep you humble.

Don’t let this wisdom go to waste. Share it, or cry about it—either way, we win. Follow for more truth bombs and laughs that’ll make you question your life choices. You’re welcome. 🔥

[justinadelmann]

[ozma914]

On this episode we are talking with January G. Ornellas, author of “My Above Average Colon.” January Ornellas shares her unique brand of humor in this debut collection of short stories. Ornellas’ s…

[quillrosetellsstories]

Sticky Buns

            There were several things about mini-me that were embarrassing. First of all, I was held back in kindergarten for being “too small.” My teachers were worried that me, a tiny brown girl with curly hair bigger than her head, would get bullied if I wasn’t the same size as the other kids. I waited the extra year in hopes of catching up, but I got bullied anyways. Secondly, I was a nerd. Not a cute quiet nerd, mind you, but an obnoxious, always-carrying-a-book-and-reading-aloud-to-herself type of nerd. Finally, and probably most insufferably, I was known as the teacher’s pet. If all of that wasn’t enough, I was that kid. I was the kid in school who peed her pants.

            After the first few accidents, Mom found that I was simply unable to ‘hold it’. She chuckled as she wrote the note to my teachers that made it official: I had to go when I said. Because my hand was annoyingly stuck in the air anyways, it made notifying teachers easy. Once I hit middle school, my reputation preceded me. When I wiggled around in my seat like I had ants in my pants, and waved more fervently that normal, the teachers would sigh and point to the door. My wiggly dance down the hall was a sight to see.

Tiny me thought this worked pretty well. I was getting out of class as much as I could want, no questions asked. Since I was a ‘good kid’, I never took this for granted (Of course I did, how could you believe a child?!). Mom and the doctor had other plans for me. Something about getting a diagnosis for what made my bladder weak, but I think the word they were looking for was ‘Loser’. I peed in a cup seven times before starting treatment. Most people never have had to pee in a cup once. I’m jealous.

            Homework was not foreign to me. In fact, homework was my favorite pastime (I told you I was insufferable), until the doctor gave me bladder homework. Did you know you could educate your bladder? After weeks of this at-home ball-squeezing and hip-flexing homework, I went back in for testing. My new routine was: get to the pee doctor’s, drink as much water as I could hold, get the cup from my mom, and send my pee away for Science. That day held other plans, for which my mom promised me McDonald’s. Before I even processed how these new plans would help me exactly, five extremely sticky nodes were attached to my butt.

            If you’re wondering how terrible it is to be hooked up to the Butt-o-Matic, I couldn’t tell you because I promptly zoned out for the rest of the visit. All I knew was that I was being rewarded for this discomfort with salty fries and a thick shake. I pictured bringing my meal in when I was dropped back off at school, flexing on my classmates with the greasy bag. For once, I would lord over my class.

  After a half an hour of doing the exercises with nodes hanging off my butt, I was finished. On my way out, I was offered a Princess Jasmine sticker. Letting my face show my sadness and, blinking at the doctor, I asked if I could also have the Princess Ariel one. The doctor’s face shifted into one of pity. She gave me both stickers.

Mom fulfilled her promise, swinging by the Drive Thru while pulling her Aldi’s employee sweater on. The water I’d had from the water fountain was starting to make its appearance and, since I hadn’t peed in the cup, I had critically miscalculated. As she pulled to the first window to pay, I leapt out of the car, slamming the door shut on my mom’s surprise. I barely made it in time. She was laughing when she swung the car around the front of the building and I came out. “Welcome back, Sticky Buns,” is all she said before driving me the rest of the way to school.

I sauntered into the building with the aromatic McDonald’s bag swinging from my grasp, my tattered Percy Jackson book in the other, and my buns still slightly sticky.

Forever Writing,

quill rose

[sunsetnena]

Writing Prompt

A chicken family is enjoying their first outdoor adventure: camping! But between challenges and arboreal wolves, their relaxing family outing quickly turns into a Last Bird Standing episode. -- Tag me in your writing and if I like what you wrote, I’ll send you something special.

[chrystal1331]

NaNoWriMo Day 1 Forgot to post this yesterday. I'm participating in NaNo working on a story called The Town of Weirdancrazi. Day 1 Word Count: 1,100 I completed my Chapter One which is pretty cool. #nanowrimo #nanowrimo2021 #nanowrimoprep #writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #writingcommunity #humorwriting #nanowrimoparticipant https://www.instagram.com/p/CVx2yD4rstQ/?utm_medium=tumblr

[pinehillcommunitycenter]

Virtual Humor Writing Class with Adrienne Gusoff Thursdays 3:00pm - 5:00 pm with Adrienne Gusoff if interested email Sue at: swixon@pinehillcommunitycenter.org $35 fee or pay what you can This fun class is broken down into easy, bite-size lessons and challenges to help students on their way to mastering the comedy necessities. This 4-week course will help students begin to think like humor writers; to see everyday things from a different perspective; to create an outsider’s point of view for themselves; to learn to identify, save and use the right words and expressions in the right situation, and to understand how the mind of a comedian/humorist works. #humorwriting #writingclasses #virtualwritingclasses #pinehillcommunitycenter #ulstercountyny #delawarecountyny #catskillslife #catskills #greenecountyny https://www.instagram.com/p/CEp_Q3zjyfM/?igshid=1q1c5hqada8t0

[maemedic1125-blog]

Meeting minutes, July 25th, 2019 AD

Earth Review

God: hello all, thank you for coming to this review meeting. This was our first world building project and I think we can all agree it has a special place in my heart and this team’s heart, so we wouldn’t miss it for the world, haha get it? Anyone? Anyways. We are going to start this review in the order of the 7 days of creation, starting with the first thing I created: light. Gabriel, can you show us that please?

Gabriel: Sure thing boss!

*an image is shown of the sun shining on New York City’s Central Park in the summertime*

God: Oh good the sun still works. Is everyone satisfied with this? I think we can say that it is still working since the day I spoke it into existence for sure. Moon and stars?

*another image is shown of Central Park at night*

God: Good, good. Very good, you might say.

Angel Michael speaks: The people have actually used the stars as connect the dots and made pictures that they think describe them depending on what time of the year they’re born.

God: okay weird, I just thought they were pretty and could help govern seasons but you know, it happens. Okay, next day of creation?

*Gabriel shows scripture of Day 2 Creation*

God: Okay I know what I did. I don’t need the old transcript. Are there any images? Do we have a current photo?

Gabriel: We aren’t actually sure what it was. You just spoke it and we wrote it down, and we have no clue what it is. And we aren’t sure if it’s still there. Would you like the google images?

God: Please. Hey Google!

Smartphone: what would you like me to look up?

God: Show images of the firmament.

Smartphone: I’m not sure what you said. Showing images of firm marmot.

God: SHoW IMAGES OF FIRMAMENT

Smartphone: Showing pictures of fur harlot

God: Okay forget it. I guess it’s not there. Day 3 anyone?

Gabriel: Okay, so dry ground is still there, but the seas have a lot of trash. Like a lot of trash. And the humans massacred the forests.

God: ...

Cherubim named Bazaar: But they’re banning straws.

God: it’s not a sin if I take my name in vane right?

Michael: Aren’t bananas extinct too?

God: Let’s just look at Day 4.

Gabriel: We covered that when we looked at Day 1.

God: Day five, whatever I am just trying to not vomit.

Michael: So Day 5! I am excited to present this one for you because there have been so many cool discoveries made by the humans! They love these animals! *clicking through a slideshow of earth’s animals*

Bazaar: Isn’t that a shark with its fins cut off and left to die?

Michael: Well yeah, but that’s just a sad fact.

Gabriel: Why is there an endangered species list included in this slideshow?

Michael: Well my secretary put this together so I haven’t looked at it much before now...

God: I TRIED TO MAKE THIS WORLD BEAUTIFUL NOW WHAT IN MY NAME DID THEY DO TO MY DODOS

Michael: So...

God: THE WHITE RHINOS OH MY LORD

Michael: Day 6 anyone?

Gabriel: Too late, white rhinos are land animals, which are part of Day 6. But if you notice, the human life expectancy is way longer now.

God: SHORTEN IT. SHORTEN IT FOR ALL OF THEM. STEVE IRWIN IS DEAD, SO SHORTEN IT FOR ALL THOSE MOTHER-

————————TRANSCRIPT CENSORED———————

God created Earth as a kind of trial run to test his worldbuilding skills, then went off to build the rest of the universe, leaving humanity on its own. Now he’s finally done, and back at Earth to check up on his first creation.

[papasbasement]

#Hair of a #schoolshooter. Heart of a champion. My latest for @thepromptmag. Link in profile. #comedy #comedywriting #comedywriter #metal #metalhead #headbang #headbangers #headbanging #misfits #danzig #funnywriting #written #comedywriters #humor #humorwriting #writinghumor #humorwriter #writehumor #glenndanzig #sideburns #curlyhair #goodhair #childhoodmemories #juniorhigh #howharddidpubertyhityou #metalmusic https://www.instagram.com/p/Bw9up_nBjdC/?igshid=1uyyydssw7p33

[juhnkit]

The fact that this gas station plays Led Zeppelin and Motörhead on Bob's "Mystic Journey Playlist" designed to "expand customers' consciousness toward premium snack purchases" while a one-eyed horror bear watches everything is peak liminal space vibes. 🎵👁️ Playlist:

1. Led Zepplin - Kashmir #LedZepplin 2. Motorhead - Ace of Spades #Motorhead 3. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army #TheWhiteStripes 4. Guns n'Roses - Welcome to the Jungle #GunsNRoses#GNR

#ShortStory, #Comedy, #Humor, #Funny, #lol, #lmao, #Wordpress, #ComedyStory, #FunnyStory, #LaughOutLoud, #ComedyWriting, #Humor, #Hilarious, #Storytime,

#ThisIsMineEO, #EmmittOwens, #PlizayaProductions, #TumbleDweeeb, #ConvenienceStoreConfessionals, #NightShiftChronicles, #ShortStory, #CreativeWriting, #Storytelling, #AmericanGothic, #WorkingClassLit, #ContemporaryFiction, #HumorWriting, #CharacterStudy, #SouthernFiction, #ModernFolklore,

[intermountainexile]

New piece on @medium about what it’s like to take up the violin as an adult. Link to my page in bio! #humorwriting #amwriting #writersofinstagram #writing #writingcommunity #classicalmusic #violin #memoir #comedy #neverdothis #medium #blogger (at Bernal Heights, San Francisco) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwD2WT4BJyn/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=cijx2soyrgm5

[passenger-thought]

I ASKED THE EYE

I asked the eye,

Where is my Sweetheart?

I asked the eye:

Where is my sweetheart?

The tears replied:

Your sweetheart left you,

She did not ask about you and she left the heart amongst two fires;

Watchful am I, Complaining to the star;

My sweetie's opression has increased far..

She did not even care by an eye _ look!

I asked the night and the darkness:

I did not get mercy of her heart and she, the beautiful did not reply me..

I am soliloquizing the dawn and the star:

The dream of my heart did not come true and the beautiful did not reply me;

Laughing and smiling were absent from me, The heart was full of sorrow while I am still patient on the two opressions;

I shall be patient on her reluctance..

She may think of her promise and our joy will be two joys;

My life gone while I am running after her,

My heart hopes of her promise whereas my tears wounded my cheeks.

Composed By Abdullah Hadi Sebait-

Naif:

سألت_العين

سألت العين .. حبيبي فين .. سألت العين .. حبيبي فين

اجاب الدمع: راح منك!

حبيبك ما سأل عنك .. وخلى القلب في نارين

سهران .. اشكي للنجمة .. حبيبي كم كثر ظلمه

ولا يعطف بنظرة عين ..

سألت الليل .. والظلمه .. في قلبه ما لقيت رحمه

ولا جوب عليا الزين ..

اناجي الفجر والنسمه .. وقلبي ما كمل حلمه

ولا جوب عليا الزين ..

وضاع الضحك والبسمه .. وزاد القلب في غمه

وانا صابر على الجورين ..

باتصبر على صده .. ويمكن يفتكر وعده

ويبقى فرحنا فرحين ..

مضى عمري .. وانا بعده .. وقلبي يرتجي وعده

ودمعي جرح الخدين ..

كلمات: عبدالله هادي سبيت

[kimberlytituswrites]

Two new episodes!!! Death by Punchline. Meet Simon Newton and the Holy Smokers. Will Charlie go through with the Whole Pig challenge? 🐷 #kindlevella #kindlevellaauthor #kindlevellareaders #readersofinstagram #cozy mystery #mystery #mysterybooks #humor #humorwriter #humorwritersofinstagram #kimberlytituswrites #readersoftiktok #authorsoftiktok #bookworm #bookworms #bookworld #booktok #tiktok #authortok #authorwattpad #authors #authorlife #readersgonnaread https://www.instagram.com/p/CpsBKTHOsjY/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[quillrosetellsstories]

How-to Pick-Up Chicks

            If you asked Stewart, the best time to pick up a woman is on the beach at night when she’s with her family. He would say, “Make sure to grab her attention as she walks by, preferably with a CD of your latest hit single, recorded in your mother’s basement.” I previously would have said, as someone who is also into women, this is not the way. But the methods in which Stewart uses to pick up women is unique to those like him, and must be studied. He would then continue on to let you know that the CD he’s just forcibly pressed into your hands does, in fact, cost. The women he is about to take home as his will be stunned by his beauty (Once again, it’s pitch black at night by the ocean) and fork over the 30 bucks he asks for.

            When he tries this maneuver, the best thing to do is deflect with uncomfortable laughter. Laugh like he’s your weird, and technically not related -as he tells you every family gathering-, uncle who sits a little too close at family gatherings. Then, break out the excuses. Lucky for me, I am always on the verge of needing to pee. This excuse is good if you’re attempting to not be followed. Why would he follow you, you may ask?

            Don’t. Don’t ask. It is imprudent to try to discover what Stewart’s might do. It ruins their good vibes and swanky demeanor. And besides, men make you feel safe, right? No need to cover this topic any further.

            He may, if you’re lucky, follow you anyways and ‘stand guard’ outside the porta-potty. Thankfully he’s very strong, and you’re not worried at all, and you haven’t lost track of your family, and Stewart has perfectly gentlemanly motives. Turns out he only wanted to make sure he got your social media username. Now, here’s where things get tricky, so pay attention to the instructions. Although you may think that the numerous pictures you have posted of your wife (holding her hand, kissing her, and getting married to her) would certainly catch Stewart’s attention, it may not. Or perhaps it does interest him greatly, and you’ve made a critical mistake. Either way, he’ll add you and scroll through them as you walk back to your family, and of course he’ll ask how old you are. The age difference doesn’t matter to Stewart, for he’ll say his trademark “Cool, cool,” even after you’ve essentially told him he’s 20 years older than you.

            At this point, I know exactly what you’re thinking: “Wow. This guy has completely won me over. I wish to be taken home and boned right now.” Wait just a moment, or you’ll miss the best part. To Stewart, this has been a successful attempt at picking up chicks, and he may go in for one final killer move, which I would call the Drive-By.

            Should you have taken his trash mixtape, maybe even paid him for it, and talked with him for a couple minutes now, Stewart will certainly be head-over-heels for you. It’s easy now for him to leave and magically find you later. It’s wonderful how he will be able to pick you out in a crowd, and bounce over to make sure he’s seen again, without actually talking to you. What does he expect to happen after this Drive-By? Some have speculated that Stewart may be trying to put on a show of his attributes, in the way that a bird might show his brightly colored feathers.

            Science is amazing!

            If only someone had told me these rules when I started picking up chicks. The dance Stewart does around the beach at night is a replica of ones at shopping malls, grocery stores, concerts, and more. Seeing this everywhere has made me an expert. Luckily, I now have the ability to put this plan into play against women. Did I say against? I meant for women. Always I had thought that Stewart’s dance only didn’t work because I didn’t like penis. Now, I give the plans for this dance to you to entice and entrap the women of your dreams!

Forever Writing,

quill rose

[mattnagin]

Exciting news! My humor book, “Do Not Feed The Clown,” is finally being published by Tenth Street Press! Ebook is available for pre-order now. Paper avail Dec. 10th! Tenth Street Press is an indie press out of Melbourne, London, and Seattle. I want to thank them for taking me on and working hard to present my book in the best possible light. Their website says they publish writers with an edge, and I definitely think my comedic work falls into that category (actually, I may have fallen over the edge...and now be in the bottom of a canyon screaming like a jackal). I also want to thank Dominique Bloink, for doing a superb job with the book cover (I recommend her original art work), Julia Noel Goldman, for helping me in various ways, Will Johnson, for giving me excellent feedback on the book, and my family, friends, and girlfriend. The book consists of 34 short humorous works, a collection of sorts, written over a period of years. They cover many contemporary topics and are written in a variety of styles. It's an eclectic mix that I believe a wide-range of readers can enjoy. If you can pre-order, or pick up a copy once it is released, it can really help sales. My last book, "Feast of Sapphires," reached #12 on The Best Seller List in it's Amazon Category, briefly, because of pre-orders. Any quick reviews you can write on Amazon/Goodreads are also invaluable in terms of marketing. Finally, I’ve been through a lot over the past few years, and the one positive I took from all that is it led me to focus on the area where I felt I most excelled: writing. I love standup comedy, acting, filmmaking, teaching, and try to remain involved in them all, to the degree I can. Still, nothing compares to the feeling you get staring at a blank page. We have worlds inside of us. The unconcious, the id level of the psyche, is insanely powerful. It’s great to play in that realm and hopefully come out transformed a bit on the other side. Anyway, thanks for reading, and, if you pick a copy, I’d consider it one hell of a holiday gift. #writersofig #humorwriter #humorist #comedybooks #comediansofinstagram #nycwriters #amazonauthorsoninstagram #writersofig #naginplease https://www.instagram.com/p/B5GI7pSgKPVx-SCohzyOmhEytNHnxdB9JYTXG80/?igshid=f9nqc306ykjx