#I had to frickin make a second blog and post it through that to post this

[royalarchivist]

Tumblr brought back the boops, so it's time for this video (again)n v.2: electric boogaloo.

[liesonthefloordramatically]

hey. hey. if you’re a graduate student, I am begging you to take better notes than I did. please take better notes. you will not remember what an article says 10 years later when you need to cite it in your diss introduction. take better notes. please.

[gumnut-logic]

Fanfic Asks 2

This one is for @hedwigstalons who asked for A F L Q along with @fictivekaleidoscope , @willow-salix , @coffee-and-lenna and @janetm74 who all asked for Q. You guys are so kind to me ::hugs you lots::

-o-o-o-

A. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Star Trek: TOS…I’m a Trekkie from way back. Discovered it in 1986 through books in my school library (it wasn’t on TV and hadn’t been since 1975 of which I had the vaguest of memories…and yes, I’m old :P ). I wrote my first fanfic as a teenager, by hand in a notebook. It was submitted to the local club printed fanzine (which I still have lying around here somewhere along with a stack of classic printed zines). Looking back, it had a strong concept behind it, but it was horribly written. I do not have an electronic copy, though sometime ago I thought to re-write it, but never got around to it. You can find my second ever fanfic, written when I was eighteen on FF.net – Goodbye, Spock – it was a movie tag, written in early 1991.

F. How long have you been writing fanfic?

Hmm, I think I’ve given that massive number away in the last question :D Yeah, since I was about eighteen, possibly a little earlier. ::does the math:: Okay, that number is scary. Next year it will be thirty years since my first fanfic ::headdesk:: but having said that, I didn’t really start writing until the internet arrived with my first computer and maturity gave me the ability to finish things (sometimes). I really jumped in with Stargate SG-1 fandom in 2003. From that point on I wrote continuously until I had children in 2008. Then I stopped and didn’t really start up again until July 2018 when TAG hit me like a ton of bricks. The last two years have been amazing and I have learnt so much.

Oh, and if anyone ever says writing fanfic is wasting time or will never get you anywhere, writing fanfic and participating in fandom has done wonders for introvert little me:

Led to me getting my job – writing is a skill that can get you many places

Taught me how to blog and how to manage a blog – valuable skills in or out of business

Teaches you multiple online tools – chat, publishing and other multimedia applications – you’d be surprised how many people are not comfortable using many online tools. I use my experience every day on the library floor.

Allowed an introvert to reach out and learn how to converse and gain confidence in conversation – online interactions has many advantages

Is excellent for mental health…and equally unhealthy if you’re not careful – which leads to learning about yourself and managing conflict (unfortunately…which is why I have zero tolerance for fandom wank and will not participate in or create nastiness – I’m here for fun and to hopefully make things more fun, not miserable)

I’ve learnt to type. My first novel length fic was 75,000 words long and hand written before being typed into the computer – let’s just say that that three months back in 2003 finally enabled me to break the touch type barrier :D Which is a skill that I use every day.

If some one does say you’re wasting your time, they obviously have no idea what they are talking about – ignore them. As long as you’re balancing your fic writing with life in general, things are okay (I got addicted at one point and things were not okay, so don’t do that).

In summary, apparently I’m old, been writing forever and have found it a very valuable exercise which will no doubt lead me even further into interesting places.

 L. What is your favorite fic idea that you don’t think you’ll ever write?

I tend to write most things or forget them. There was that random fanfic idea I posted a few days back. It’s a cool idea, but I don’t have time at the moment. ::opens ups fic planning book::

Ideas sitting, not yet started, but might be:

Eos gets hacked by the Hood and injures two brothers before John realises it and saves her.

Episode tag to 3.21 that explores the Mechanic

Alan’s Vlog: I have a note for the next story that I haven’t yet written.

The Kermadec sequel

A fic idea I had the other day inspired by a news article – that one might actually get written at some point.

A sequel to V. T. Green (which apparently is my most popular fic) – which I had a concept for, but haven’t written down, by the looks of it. Oops.

A sequel to Bo where Virg gets buried in an avalanche – this one was started.

Eh, I have lots of ideas, most get lost in the mess that exists in my head. Sometimes I write a note down, but then I forget what the note means. I usually have to grab the inspiration when it strikes.

 Q. If you could pick one fic of yours to rewrite, which would it be?

Love and Sacrifice – I wrote that fic out of order and smushed it together and it shows. It is also full of technical holes. The plotline sucks because I wanted a certain scene and forced it. But it is such an integral piece of the series that I can’t alter it much. The whole of Warm Rain was written in bits. I usually write in order and that experiment shows that I’m not great at writing out of sequence. Most of the fics work okay, but Love and Sacrifice, while having some good scenes in it, is poorly constructed.

A Little Distraction and a Little Too Much Attention suffers from self-indulgence. Virgil wasn’t supposed to get hurt – I should have stopped at A Little Distraction, but apparently, I can’t help myself and the results weren’t great.

Two fics instead of one…there are more, but I’m not supposed to publicly criticise my fics – I do enough of that in my own head :D

-o-o-o-

EDIT: @weirdburketeer reminded me of something I meant to list but forgot regarding the above reasons why writing fanfic is not a waste of time.

The friendships! My goodness, how did I miss that? I flew to Sydney to meet a good fanfic writing friend in both 2004 and 2005, another friend flew all the way from Chicago (as part of a business trip) to Australia and made a special trip to Adelaide, just to meet up with me. It was frickin’ amazing!

And this fandom....I have met some absolutely amazing people here. You guys have influenced me like you wouldn’t believe. As I have said on many occasions, this fandom is just amazing ::drags you all into a massive group hug:: And yes, I have some fantastic friendships forming here ::loves you guys to bits::

[loveisbraveandwild]

Hi! This is my��“how i met taylor swift” story! i’ll never be able to express how much the privilege of being invited by taylor herself into her home to hear the lover album early, eat her rice krispy treats, and tell her i’m proud of her means to me, but here’s my attempt at least telling the story. it’s a long story so if you hate reading click here to watch the video i made about it!

At 5:30pm on July 21st, I was sitting in my bed on tumblr and a message pops up on my screen that says “Taylor Nation CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE.” Me, not trusting anyone on this site, clicked it thinking it was fake there’s no frickin way i got the dm. I read the url and the message about four times until i finally sat up out of my bed and immediately text sam, my best friend in the whole world. she texts me back in all caps, as a real friend does, and then she facetimes me. I missed what she first said but i will never forget her saying “i got mine on twitter.” After talking to her on the phone, i finally reply to tn.

monday and tuesday go by and nothing happens. on wednesday at 2:54pm I text sam “tn forgot about us” then at 2:57 my long live ringtone started blaring and i pick up and this guy is like “is this grace ----” and im like yes and he says “this is x with taylor nation.” ive never jumped up and screeched louder in my life. he tells me our conversation is confidential, confirms where i’m from, and then asks me if i can go to rhode island. here’s my reaction to my phone call. 

on friday, whilst in target, having saved taylor nation’s number in my phone, i get another phone call from them. they tell me the original location has been leaked and ask me if i can get to nashville. i’ll never be able to emphasize how grateful and privileged i feel to not only be able to have gone to sessions but to be able to say yes without needing to confirm anything with my parents and to be able to change my plans, after having booked a flight to RI (don’t worry i got a full refund!)

the following saturday i woke up at 3::30am to catch a flight to nashville. sam and my flight got in 4 minutes apart from each other. the rest of the day is a story for another time but basically i freaked out because i met about 2 dozen other swifties that i’ve been friends with for a long time. i had lunch and dinner with them, we went to the taylor swift education center, and we hung out in the hotel together. the day ended with me meeting emma, someone who i hardly interacted with but admired so much because of her blog.  

sunday morning we woke up and freaked out and spent the morning trying to stomach food and getting ready. then we went to the hotel and got to the meet up spot at 3:15ish. there were so many people i knew there and it was the craziest experience ever. at 4 a woman from tn comes up and gets us and steals our phones, etc. an hour later they bring us out to the buses and that’s when i started to get really, really overwhelmed and start crying. i would have fallen to my knees if sam hadn’t caught me.

i’m the last person off the second bus and we round the corner and once again, i start crying. fast forward and we’re in line for food (which i did not eat) and i see these adorable little labels for the food that look like taylor’s handwriting, once again, sobbing. i turn to sam and say “she loves us so much.” even if she didn’t write those cards, someone took the time to sit down and hand write them and even the smallest act went the longest way for me. 

we get in line to enter the room and about 30 minutes later they open the doors. five minutes later she jumped out and says “hey guys!” she looked the exact same as she does on my computer screen, fake. her hair was perfect, she was tall (not as tall as i imagined though), smiling, beautiful, gorgeous, all the good things. she then tells us not to share anything that happens in this room and when taylor looks you in the eye and tells you to do something you do it. 

half way through we take a little break and sam and i are in line for the bathroom when i see people coming back in the session room i immediately tell sam to sit down and we do, not moving an inch. front. row. seats. two feet away from her chair is probably an overstatement. i don’t know how it happened but we were two frickin feet away from where she was sitting. she comes back and plays the rest of the album. 

then they take the minors first and then the ~adults alphabetically. my last name starts with a B but i still didn’t meet her until about 1:30am on august 5th. when they open the door and call me in i see her reflection and she’s like dancing? i look to my laugh and there she is, im crying writing this, like real tears. 

i want to keep most of our conversation private but she immediately said “Hi Gracie!” when i talked in. i heard stories than when you hug taylor swift she never lets go first, this is indeed true. i told her i loved her in her ear while we were hugging and she said it back. then she told me she knew a selfie i had posted but she had never liked and i freaked out. i told her i’m studying political science and gender studies and i want to run for office one day and she was so excited and proud of me. i thanked her for my first notice when she put me on her story and told her why my favorite taylor song is my favorite taylor song. we talked a little bit about the album and she told me she was proud of me twice and i told her i was proud of her twice. we took our picture and she let me make sure i liked it and the only thing i remember is seeing my smile and being like “thats it” because i looked had never smiled so big. 

the next day taylor posted a picture wearing the bracelet i gave her when told her i was bi and thanked her for her allyship and i just about passed out. i spent the day in nashville and got to open my picture at!!! the!! bluebird!! cafe!!! click here for some soft video content of it! 

this entire experience was a whirlwind from start to finish and i wouldnt change a second of it. taylor, on the off chance that you see this, and on the bigger off chance that you read this, thank you. being able to look you in the eyes and tell you how proud i am of you is something i’ve dreamt about since i was about ten years old. i never thought i would be able to do it. thank you for inviting me into one of your most intimate spaces, entrusting me with your art, and ranting about politics and gender studies with me. thank you for baking for me and for introducing me to my best friends. i wouldnt be nearly as confident, stable, happy, or supported without you and the people you’ve brought into my life. i love you so much! 

[kryptsune]

Frisky’s WTU mini vent

🌼So I rarely do these. I just need to get a specific set of topics off my chest. Don’t worry I am not sad or angry just a little... frustrated. I did a HUGE post about this a while back and I am posting it again. Look I know how it looks trust me. Just... please... give the fic, the characters, the relationships a chance. That is all I ask. I know it is a lot to read and I know there are some unsavory parts but they are there for very specific reasons. I am just really tired of people coming to me on AO3 or otherwise legitimately upset with either me not tagging it as something they want or otherwise. Please understand my frustrations and to those that read this entire thing, thank you >////<  

🌼I have a few things I want to discuss and talk about considering that I do not want this to become an issue. Look I made WTU M for a reason. It is dark and has adult themes and content (though admittedly not even close to some of the stuff I have seen or read). It is not a fic for the faint of heart. This story will not change and I am not going to conform to people’s scrutiny either. Let me first start by stating that I make specific things vague for a reason. Those that have followed this blog for a while will remember my explanation as to why violence happens the way it does. I don’t feel I need to justify anything to my readers. If you have questions I am more than happy to address them. That said to have someone skim the fic after the notorious chapter 6 and write in the comments irks me.

Guys the material and that frickin scene is not lost on me trust me and before anyone gets high and mighty with me in regards to Sans and Frisk let me explain why this scene exists and attempt to explain Sans actions in a spoiler-free way. I will not sugar coat that it is extremely difficult for me to do so and I will do my best. I also want to point out that I am in no way justifying his actions what I am trying to do is explain the two very different mindsets that exist in this world and how that clash causes ch 6 and how it is dealt with.

Why do I make certain things vague? I suppose that is a good place to start. The whole point of my lack of clarity is supposed to have the reader (that is all of you) come to your own conclusions. There are a lot of themes in WTU and making assumptions and judgments is a big one. You are supposed to take a side that is the whole point. You can choose to be like Chara or you can choose to be like Frisk. Now I know what happened in that chapter concerned a lot of people specifically because it gives off that abusee falling in love with their abuser vibe. That is not the case at all and I want to make this perfectly clear, I DO NOT APPROVE ANY SUCH RELATIONSHIP IN THE SLIGHTEST. IT IS HORRIBlE AND I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT TOPIC IN ANY OTHER WAY THAN DISGUSTING. If it bothers you so much why is it in the fic especially since it is marked as Frans? Oh boy howdy, do I wish that I didn’t have to even write it. It made me sick for weeks as I attempted to handle that chapter and the one following it. I do not take these things lightly and I never will. I can not go into detail as to why the scene is in there however what I can say is that it is important and by important I mean there is no workaround (trust me I have tried it just does not have the same impact). Let me explain why this is: 1. Humans and monsters are different. They have different moral standards. One thing to them is different for humans due to biology and culture. Monsters who want kids need to both desire that outcome. Anything else is just fun/way to pass the time/ relief. What Sans does is not out of malice. In his mind, he doesn’t see the situation the same way Frisk does or us for that matter. That is the point. I am not justifying what he does, far from, and I want to be perfectly clear that it is there for a reason. It is vital to his and others character development. Sans is not a bad character. He is a conflicted character. One that is aggressive due to (plot spoilers) and backstory. If I explained it I feel people would understand but I am not going to do that as it would ruin more than 2/3 of the entire story.

2. There are consequences to his actions. Oh, boy is there. I won’t state what they are but trust me when I say his actions both in the physical violence and the sexual hit him hard and for a very VERY long time.

3. This is not solely a Frans fic. Firstly, people tend to automatically assume that this is all Frans shipping when it is actually quite the opposite. This is a story about how that comes to be but I won’t sugar coat anything in it. I treat my readers like adults and I will continue to do so. Second in this point is that Frisk does not fall in love with Sans… there is a reason I use Sans instead of Red. Sans is the person she first meets, the horrible monster that does all the things I have alluded to before. Red is not. Yes, they are the same person physically but not emotional/mentally. The point is that he changes and grows and sees a side to himself that he can not stand. Said situation is just the straw that breaks the camels back. After the events of Book 1, there is at least a 5-year gap. At that point, the past is in the past.

4. The story is not to its rebuttal yet. What do I mean by that? Well, the truth of the matter is this is an incomplete PUBLISHED story. I know exactly what I am doing and it is planned from start to finish. My readers do not. I do things in a very specific fashion that holds purpose and relevance for characters or chapters to come. Waterfall is a big one and eventually you will see what I am talking about as it will further dive into chapter 6s purpose. What I will say is this, after this scene in Waterfall the dynamic changes for the better. I promise you. I know some people are holding out for the hope that Sans will stop his shit. I can promise that to you, he will.

5. It is a work of fiction. This is a big one. There are plenty of novels or fictional works out there that have these kinds of material in them but something like that gets a pass while I get scrutinized? How is that remotely fair? I will handle the topic with respect and maturity as I always have. I have had people go through this and being a victim myself I understand where these kinds of comments come into play. That said. I can’t say this enough that it is important and I treat it as such. If it still bothers you and you want a further explanation as to the reasons I cannot state message me. I will explain. I am not doing so publically as I know people who don’t want the story spoiled.

After all of that, all I can say is that you can choose not to read it if it bothers you that much. What I ask is that you respect my decisions as an author and take a step back. There are very few that know the full story and I keep it that way for a reason. The first book in the Welcome to the Underworld series is not for everyone. That is the point. It is meant to make you think and reflect just like the characters I am writing for. At the end of the day, you can either trust me in these decisions or not that is entirely up to you but I ask that you give me a chance and opportunity. I am very open with my work I am more than happy to clear up things privately for others. Guys, I put my heart and soul into his fic and those that really enjoy it I appreciate your continued support. We are all on this roller coaster ride together and I am thankful so many have stayed on with me. It is always darkest before the dawn everyone, hang in there. Book 2 is pretty much all fluffy drabbles or mini stories. There is a reason I call the Underground the Underworld instead. It is supposed to have many allusions to Hell for both it’s inhabitants and it’s human captee. The darkness that I place in the story is supposed to make the good and happy all that more meaningful and impactful. I hope that eventually others begin to see those underlying themes. Thank you for reading this if you went through this word wall. I just felt like I needed to explain this a little further to avoid any unsavory conclusions.

[starkerforlife6969]

REPLYING TO ANON MESSAGES 

This is another lengthy reply to all those lovely messages so I don’t spam you! Once again, no prompts filled here- they would be separate posts, so if you’re waiting on a fill, i promise it’ll come through eventually XD All you need to know is there will be a part 4 to the Mafia AU with Starker, Winterspider, Spidershield and Strange x Peter. It’ll be about two weeks but it is happening and I’ll let you all know! Keep sending me amazing ideas and being as gorgeous and wonderful as always. 

1) So um I was the person that randomly confessed to you the other day and I sent another ask to confirm that it was indeed you who I was massively crushing on and you were thinking it might be another blog,no it’s 100% you.Idk what tumblr did to that ask I feel like it disappeared but I just wanted to make sure that you know it was you bc how can you even doubt someone could be crushing on you I literally feel like Peter in every starker fic ever when he sees Tony whenever I see your username im-

Hello, gorgeous! Yes, I did get your other message but i’m so sorry I didn’t reply! It’s been so hectic and I’ve been travelling :(( but i am so flattered. I don’t know why because i am certain you could have anyone with how kind you are. You are the sweetest thing ever and you are such a darling I cannot even deal with it. You can message me whenever you like, or stay anonymous if you feel more comfortable <3, but there’s no need to be nervous, honeybee! IM NERVOUS because i can never ever live up to your adorableness hahaha. Stay as beautiful as I know you are! xxx 

2) @thebadthingshappen: I just wanted to say that your writing is really amazing and a great inspiration as someone who wants to start writing starker. I always look forward to your updates and appreciate the time and effort you put into everything. If you ever need someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of I’m here and my inbox is always open. :D

First, um, I love your username so hard. I read it entirely in Peter’s voice. Second, this is the sweetest thing ever oh my gosh. I ALWAYS WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO so I’d love to message you!!!! The next time I’m stuck for ideas i’ll come and spam you! Or you can message me whenever ;) x

3) ConstructionWorkerTony-anon here. Just... Thank you! 💕💕💕 that was great :)

NO THANK YOU. I’m so happy you liked it, because I know I added a bunch of kinks you didn’t ask for and I got worried but -yay!!!! 

4) @hunka-munka OMG I JUST FINISHED READING YOUR MAFIA STARKER FIC AND I AM IN LOOOOOOOVEEEEE omg omg I'm going through so many emotions 🙈first off I adooooooore how you wrote bucky I squealed in every scene he was in lol that ending for the 3rd part slaayyyyyed me are you planning on doing a 4th part??? I absolutely love the different dynamics between Peter and the rest of the characters it's so much fun to read about. Sorry for the long ask aaaaahhh i just needed to scream about it!!!!

THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS MADE MY WHOLE DAY. Ahhhhhh, you are so sweet!!! I am planning a fourth part! It’s pretty much planned (and you will have more bucky, you precious bean) but it’s going to take a while to write cuz my classes start back up again :(( I’ll let you know when it’s out though! (should be about 2 weeks!) 

5) @hoe4parker I JUST READ THE THIRD PART OF THE MAFIA FIC W BUCKY AND STEVE AND TONY AS PETER’S DADDIES AND IT WAS SO SO SO GOOD

Yeah, I don’t deserve you, let’s be real. You guys are all so frickin kind I can’t even deal with it. 

6) Oh my god!!!!!! Mild social anxiety anon here to tell you that part 3 is amazing!!!!

*sobs with appreciation* honey!!!!! I can get mild social anxiety sometimes too, and you are so amazing and AHHHH I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, this put a huge smile on my face!!!! 

7) Ahhhh.... Part 3 was excellent!... I kind of wish Steve and Bucky had a thing and at some point they kiss (just a loving kiss... or fuck you know, whatever) and Peter see's it and gets sad or maybe he had a bad day and Tony's somewhere and he just wanted to get home and fuck or cuddle one of them and then he see's that and he's jealous. That'd be fun. I'm such a sucker for angst and conflict... and hate-fucking. Great stuff xd Seriously, I love this series though... -🦊

Honey, I’m sorry I’m answering this in this section because that means it won’t get filled :(( but that’s only because I’ll ship peter with everyone, and even though i think steve and bucky is the cutest thing ever, I just don’t write them very well :(( IM SORRY HONEY that being said, i love angst and conflict too, so maybe there’ll be some more of that sometime!!!! thank you so much foxy, for your lovely comments seriously, they made me so happy. 

8) The Mafia Boss Tony Part 3 was stunning and for some reason the very end was funny to me... I think it's cause I have PTSD and still get panic attacks and occasionally pass out from them but they're acting like he died. And my head is just like 'Guys. Calm the fuck down. Put some actual clothing on the kid so he's warm enough. Lie him down. Yes, have someone in there to check his breathing. He's gonna be a little disoriented... but he's not dead guys... calm the hell down'. It's brilliant XD

Dude, I died laughing XD I get panic attacks sometimes (very mild and no ptsd, but you do and ahhhh I was so scared you were gonna say I messed it up but you didn’t and you’re so sweet!!! And honey, I’m sorry you have them :( but i know you’re strong and amazing <3) and they do overreact so much but it’s like my god awful attempt at drama hahaha, thank you so much for this comment, it honestly made me so happy. 

9) Is there going to be a fourth mafia au? I’m in love with the ones have posted ❤️❤️ 

YES THERE WILL BE BECAUSE LOVELY PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE SO ENCOURAGING 

10) MAFIA PART 3 OH MY GOD im :(( abt peter like i want my babey safe and feelin good awh ((also i love your writing sm ur so good))

seriously. I don’t deserve you. you guys are all gonna get such good karma with all the positivity you put out into the world. I’m so happy you enjoyed it! x PS, Peter will be feeling good, hahaha, he’s gonna get spoilt rotten by everyone. 

10)  @aggressively-precious AYE part two of your mafia AU is a goddamn GIFT you're my hero xo

YOU are a gift, seriously. thank you for existing and bringing joy into my life. 

11) this fandom is full of talented and sweet people, I'm so thankful for having y'all really. have a nice day love ❤

*sobs* it really is! thank YOOUUUU 

[stethingdave]

P____ey

P_______ey

P_____ey    (edit, new words at end)

I saw you today on the other side of the freeway.  God it just sucks.  I have so many wonderful memories with you. I miss you a frickin ton. I would really like you in my life.  I tried once again last week at the airport for breakfast.  No luck.   I do have huge faith and hope that someday you will come.  We went through a lot with one another, good and bad.  We were to good of friends to continue and leave it like it is.  I know you like the back of my hand, yes your stubborn, but I also know the good soft heart that you do have and this is what I am hoping  that someday it will be touched and you will allow us to talk. 

 You want to know how frickin stupid I am and how much faith and hope I have in my mind and heart.  When I took my new job, I chose to have the same days off as you, with the huge faith and hope that someday we could be playing once again!

I’ve tried for years.  I sound like a broken record.  Sick of it.  I really need a chance to see you.

My amends to you face to face, is one of the most important things in my life that I need to accomplish today.  Try and make right somewhat, the wrongs that I unintentionally caused you in your life.  

Please dig deep within your soul, bypass your anger and find the loving good woman that I know, and say to yourself….. yeah its time to talk.

I would like to see you before the show starts.

Thursday  9-13-18 at 12PM PM   Gives you a chance to sleep in!  Talk, lunch and chill outside.

It’ll all be ok.  I promise babe.

Things could be so easy and simple.   Just like in my post a month ago it could be like this as you lay your head to rest.

“Yeah I’m glad I went and spoke with David, he got all his stuff out that he needed to, I said my stuff that I needed to. I wish I would have done this a long time ago.  He wanted to try and see if we could reconcile our friendship and I told him maybe in the future not now, and he really respected me and understood. He won’t call me, email me or write about me on his blog ever again and I believe him after talking with him.  I didn’t think he would. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off me that I have had for years.  Actually as I close my eyes I think how cool our conversation was…..”

Love

 A New David

The most genuine friend, and lover of yours that you’ve ever had in life.

(dig deep and think about this last sentence…..)

Please give me some credit… for trying so hard.

PS.    In regards to the show in a few weeks.  Go there, be the kick ass sales woman that you are and make the $$.  Please don't worry about me for a minute!!!!  I would never want you to have any stress, anxiety or anything at all in your life, because of me.  I never wished that upon you years ago.  It was all done unconsciously, and unintentionally by myself.  I'm so sorry babe.  So today I wouldn't even think about wanting you to feel uncomfortable at all for one second.  I caused enough hurt in your life years ago... and mine, to have enough deep guilt, remorse about it all to last a man a lifetime!  You were my besta friend ever at that time, and I was yours.Please come this Thursday before the show and give to OLD very good friends and lovers, a chance to say the things that have never been said.  

[ofgeography]

you know, there are few things in this world that i am unequivocally sure of. what adult life has taught me so far is i don’t know anything about anything. it’s how i know that i finally made it out of that unbearable quarter of everyone’s life where they keep thinking they know things once they hit a milestone.

when i graduated high school i was like, “i’m eighteen now! i’m a real adult!!”

when i graduated college i was like, “i’ve got a degree, suckas! i’m a real adult!!” 

babygirl. you sleep in a mattress with a hole in it, you’ve never made your own doctor’s appointment, and you are still consistently mispronouncing “epitome.” so let’s not get too cocky, bud.

anyway, now i’m like, “i know nothing except that i’m afraid of the yellowstone supervolcano!” and that’s how i know i might almost be a real adult.

what was i saying? oh, right: i don’t know a lot, but i do know three things:

dogs are good;

eating is the best part of every day; and

bikinis: why?

i don’t understand why we as a society have gone all-in on bikinis. i mean, okay, yes, they’re “““““sexy””””” and “minimize” “tan” “lines” and whatever whatever whatever, blah, but like, they are the least practical article of clothing mankind has ever invented and we all!!! just accepted it!!! we were all like, “yeah, this is fine, even though you can’t jump off anything without it falling off, you’re gonna get twice the sand stuck in the places you want zero sand, and the tan lines you do get are gonna be frickin weird once we inevitably evolve from bra-and-underwear style to like, aeonflux-inspired leather flesh prisons.”

i resisted buying bikinis for a long time, and because you are all my friends you will accept me at my word when i say it was for the above reasons and not deeply-rooted insecurities about being a woman in society. but at a certain point, it became like, more difficult to die on the hill of not wearing bikinis than to just accept my body for all of its flaws.

you hear that, capitalism? laziness got me, not your advertising.

my first bikini was fairly lowkey, as far as bikinis go. it was blue and white, had pretty strong coverage, and tied on both the bottom and the top so you could adjust how tight it was. that was great for when i wanted to jump off things and needed it not to fall everywhere, but also sometimes wanted to lay out in the sun and didn’t want my legs to fall off from lack of circulation.

haha, just kidding. if i’m out in the sun for more than 20 consecutive seconds, my whole body bursts into flames.

i caved and bought it because i was in the seventh grade and we were going on a family vacation to the bahamas. well, it was sort of a family vacation. my brother couldn’t come so i just brought a friend. that’s the same, right? her name was jane* and she was the kind of great that meant eventually we had to stop being friends, because she was into all the same things i was into but was slightly better than me at all of them.

her name was not really jane.

as an adult i probably could have made that friendship work but as an insecurity-riddled  twelve-year-old, it was doomed.

sorry, jane.

not to inject a dose of reality is sad into this funny story about a bikini betraying my trust, but. you know.

that one’s on me, pal.

this was way before the tragic but inevitable breakdown of our friendship, however, when jane and i were still thick as thieves. she came on vacation with my wonderful but admittedly weird family and was a real trooper, even when i made her dance the cha cha slide up to sixteen times in one day and insisted on wearing a billabong t-shirt with an orange butterfly on it everywhere we went. also, at the end of the trip, when she was sad because she’d met a boy and their love was doomed, i just said “aw, hey, bud, bud, aww, heyyyy,” over and over because i didn’t then and don’t now have any idea how to respond to people who are crying.

“pineapple hurt mouth? mouth want less acidic fruit????” -- me, panicked and confused, every time someone starts crying near me.

like, i consider myself a fairly empathetic person, it’s just that the concept of crying in front of someone is so horrifying to me, molly mccriesalone, that i never know...what it is...that other people want. because i would want us all to pretend that it isn’t happening.

“me? crying? oh, no. no, i’m, uh.... i’m just cleansing my cheeks using the natural saline in my body. it’s a whole new thing the beauty blogs are doing. get into it.”

but apparently some people like to be “comforted” in their “times” of “need”. or whatever.

she even helped my mom talk me into swimming with dolphins, which i was excited about theoretically but, due to my well-documented fear of being in bodies of water that sustain life, couldn’t quite make myself commit to.

it’s not that i’m afraid of water, per se.

it’s just that everything that is in water, including water, can kill you.

like, no offense, but anything bad that happens to you while you’re swimming is your own fault. you put yourself in that situation!!!! you knew the risks!!!!

humans are land animals. i just think we need to acknowledge and respect that, as a species.

dolphin day arrived pretty late in the vacation, one of our last, which would end up being a good thing. and i was ready. i was fully committed to meeting my dolphin best friend, becoming a dolphin trainer, and living the rest of my life swimming in the ocean with an army of dolphins to protect me from all the scary things in there. i had even talked myself into believing that if i stared longingly at the ocean for long enough, someone--probably an attractive twenty-something man with a strong jaw and square shoulders, but i’m just guessing--would notice, and see that i was ~meant to be a dolphin trainer.

surely he would take me under his tutelage. i had a natural gift but it would need to be harnessed. would it be our fault when, during the process, we fell in love and got married and lived together in a house with a glass bottom where our dolphin friends could swim? no. it would not be. that’s just what happens when two people work long hours training dolphins.

but that’s not what happened.

what happened was: when my time came, my moment, i pushed off the dock and into the water, ready to meet my new dolphin friends with open arms.

but i didn’t get that far. i got about ... five inches, and then my bikini bottom caught on a nail sticking out of the dock, and i got no further.

this never would have happened in a one piece!!!!

i hung there. probably knee-deep in water but very definitely not touching the ground. not really breathing, because have you ever gotten a wedgie so intense you can, like, taste it?

let me tell you!!!! it doesn’t taste good!!!

here’s the thing about having a wedgie that you get when you are suspended from a height: you can’t...fix it. i had no leverage. i couldn’t haul myself up enough to untangle myself, because i didn’t have that kind of arm strength and i’m frankly suspicious of people who do. and the longer i hung, the deeper the rip became.

on my left, my mother who bore me, who pledged to love me for the rest of my days, who fed me and cared for me and made sure i was vaccinated so that i would die of polio or infect some other poor kid with polio, was absolutely losing it. she was collapsed on the dock, hand over her eyes, laughing so hard that no sound was coming out.

off the top of my head, i can think of about 12 instances where my mother collapsed into laughter instead of helping me solve a problem, and more than one of them is caught on videotape.

“mom,” i said.

she flapped her hand at me to indicate that she had heard but that no help was coming.

on my right was a tall gentleman in floral bathing shorts. i’d guess he was in his late forties or early fifties. he was a dad. i knew he was a dad because a) he looked like he was born with a grill spatula in his hand and b) he’d been taking pictures and videos of his two kids all morning. he was still filming.

he was not filming his children, who his wife bore, who he pledged to love for the rest of their days, who he fed and cared for and made sure they were vaccinated so that they wouldn’t die of polio or infect some other poor kid with polio. he was filming me, wedgie mcwhygod?, flopping around on the side of the dock in an attempt to rip my bikini enough that it would break and free me from the dock’s clutches.

he was also laughing so hard that he was doubled over, hands on his knees, the camera only half-heartedly pointed in my direction.

“why?” i asked plaintively, and through his laughter he managed to kind of shrug his shoulders in that universal human way to signify i don’t know, i can’t stop.

the way that i got down, by the way, is not that either adult rescued me. my bathing suit just finally ripped. in fact, it ripped so badly i had to tie both sides of the rip into a knot so it wouldn’t fall off. the dolphins were unimpressed. i was not taken into the care of a dolphin trainer that i was destined to love.

still waiting on that, tbh.

i think, sometimes, about that dude and his vacation video. i wonder if it got weirder every year to have possession of, or if it’s the kind of thing that you just become used to. “here’s us at the beach, here’s us drinking daiquiris, here’s us snorkeling, here’s that girl hanging off the dock from her bikini, here’s that girl hanging off the dock from her bikini from a different angle when dad was bent over laughing, here’s that girl hanging of the dock from her bikini’s mom howling with laughter, here’s us riding jet skis.”

what does that family imagine i grew up to be?

i feel like....it’s probably nothing good.

well, whoever you guys are, if you’re reading this and still have it: i’d love a copy.

[cursemcrked]

Hey there, and thanks for taking a second to browse through these!  I was going to make a special page for it, but every time I do, I end up hating the theme and changing it fifty billion times, so I’m giving this a shot!  Anyway, this might seem like a lot as far as ‘rules’ are concerned, but most of it is just outlining what to expect on this blog so there won’t be any (potentially unpleasant) surprises later on.

So, most important is credit!  This part will be updated as I change things around on the blog:  The image used in my avatar is ‘Jashin’s Apostle’ by the incredibly-talented Roggles.

This is an independent, semi-selective roleplaying blog.  Probably should throw canon-divergent in there, too, as it’s bound to happen somewhere down the line.  The only reason I’m saying ‘selective’ at all is because I’m a person who is overwhelmed very easily with replies (I’ll explain why in a minute here), so I’d like to limit my interactions to something manageable.  Just because I turn down an interaction does not mean that a) I don’t want to write with you, b) I will never want to write with you, c) I don’t like you or your character, or d) I’m shutting down any interaction we might have.  Even if I say ‘hey, i’m not looking for more threads at the moment’, that does not mean we can’t plot something out for when I’m not so swamped, or that we can’t scream about our muses together, or just chat out of character for a while.  I’m just temporarily turning down another thread, I’m not turning you down.

This blog is going to contain a lot of…let’s call it questionable material, given the nature of Hidan. In the interest of staying true to his character, I will not shy away from this stuff, meaning there will be a lot of blood, violence, gore, and the like.  It will, however, be tagged to hell and back, and if I’m threading with someone who is uncomfortable writing out all of that stuff, I will be happy to discuss the outcome with said partner (because continuity is an awesome thing, in my opinion) and do a fade to black.  

Hidan will not kill your character unless I have your explicit permission.  I will draw the line at serious wounds (again, with your permission).

The only topics I will never approach, as I find them just…ick:  incest, pedophilia, rape.  This list will probably grow as I think of things/am approached for topics.

OCs are welcomed with open arms on this blog, as are crossovers and AUs.  Doesn’t matter if I’m familiar with the fandom or not, whether they have a fandom or not (in the case of ocs).  Give them to me, please and thank.

I’m going to be slow.  Like, herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter slow.  I work a lot, run another roleplay blog, and have IRL stuff going on quite a bit (which sucks, but you know).  Patience is greatly appreciated.  A nudge after a few days is a-okay, even encouraged, since I’m pretty scatterbrained 99.99% of the time; multiple nudges over the span of like, two days?  Eh, not so much.  I don’t think anybody appreciates that. It’s also worth noting that, if you write a thing for me (be it a starter, an ask, a drabble, etc.) and I don’t give it a like, I haven’t seen it, so please please please nudge me and let me know it’s there!  I don’t want anybody thinking I’m ignoring them or something.  

I am not my muse.  And – you know what, I’m gonna say it again, since I’ve had issues with this in the past:   I am not my muse.  Hidan is an asshole.  He’s going to be rude, obnoxious, foul-mouthed, and just generally disrespectful, because that’s….just him.  His feelings on something (another muse, a situation, a particular topic, whatever) do not always mirror mine.  If you’re ever wondering about my personal stance on anything, feel free to ask me, as I have no problem sharing, but please do not assume that he and I are going to agree on everything.

Shipping:  Since lots of folks love this particular topic, I gotta make sure it’s covered.  I love to ship as much as the next person, but only if the chemistry is there between our muses!  Hidan is going to be…a pain in the ass to get close to, honestly, but I’m not going to say it won’t ever happen.   But, please don’t force ships.  Kills the thread, kills the mood, kills the muse.  Not a good thing.

I’m not exclusive, but I will be ship exclusive.  Like, say, I’ve got a ship going with character A, and another version of character A comes along.  I will gladly write with that second version, but any discussion of a potential ship will be shut right down, as I’ve already got it with the first.

I am of age (21+), as is my muse, and there will undoubtedly by NSFW material appearing on this blog.  Most of it will be contained to writing, with the occasional image thrown in, and it will be tagged (regardless of what form it may take), with a general nsfw //, (subject) //, and (subject) cw..  Pretty obsessive when it comes to tagging, as I really don’t want my followers blasted with stuff they don’t want to see.  Also, if there’s anything specific you need tagged, let me know!  I’ll be more than happy to do it for you.

Unless it's part of a thread, dirty NSFW stuff will mostly show up on Sunday (Sinday) only. Again, all will be tagged.

It should be a given, but since it’s apparently not:  I will happily write with anyone and everyone, but NSFW stuff will NOT be written with folks under the age of 18.  And please, please do not lie about your age.  It’s rude and could potentially get people in trouble, so…yeah.  Please don’t.

I like using small text, with an icon or two thrown in, and most of the time, my replies will end up on the longer side.  In no way do I expect my partners to match me; length, style, whatever.  Doesn’t matter.  As long as I have something to work with, we’re good.  And, if you need me to use normal text for our threads, just let me know!  I’ll be glad to do so.

OOC communication will be kept between the other mun and myself.  If you send me an ask out of character regarding some matter between us, it will be answered privately unless it’s for a meme I reblogged or you specifically ask me to post it.  OOC discussions are strictly between you and I, not us and the rest of the dashboard.

Memes, I frickin’ love memes.  Rarely will a day go by that I don’t reblog one of some kind, and these are, of course, for everybody.  If you’re feeling one of them, send it in!  Memes are great ice-breakers, so I welcome any and all.  I don’t do reblog karma, either.  If you want to send the thing, send the thing.  If you like the meme, want to reblog it, and don’t feel like sending the thing, reblog away and don’t send the thing.  It’s all good!  Sometimes those things just don’t work, and that’s a-okay by me.  I’m not going to try and guilt you into sending me stuff.

Constructive criticism is good and highly encouraged.  I’m always looking to improve on stuff, so thoughts and opinions are always welcome.  Hate, on the other hand, is not.  Hate will be laughed at, deleted, and the sender will be blocked.  If someone cannot conduct themselves like a decent human being, they’re not worth anyone’s time.  So – yeah, just don’t.  Might sound a little harsh, but in my time roleplaying on Tumblr I have seen so much hate thrown around the dash, and I’m absolutely fed up with it.

Minor godmodding is alright.  Like, if you’re writing a starter or answering a meme thing that I sent you, and you need my muse doing/saying something specific, then go ahead and write it in that they did the thing!  If we’re threading and yours asks something minor of mine (’pass that to me, would you?’), it’s okay to assume it was done!  So long as it doesn’t go further than that, it’s perfectly fine.

While I may not send in passwords, phrases, or whatever people are using now, I read everyone’s rule page – no exceptions.  So, rest assured, if you see my URL in your followers list, your rules have been read.  And I’ll probably read them again when we start interacting, just so I make sure I don’t miss anything.

My followers are welcome to hit me up on other platforms; Skype, Discord, Steam, and so forth.  Just lemme know which one you want, if you do at all, and I’ll be happy to give you my handle(s).

And that…should cover the important points.  I’ll update this as situations arise, or I remember stuff.  In the meantime, though, I want to thank you again for reading through these, and I’m looking forward to meeting and writing with you all!

[dr-reid]

I Want You

Throw back to the very first fic I wrote and posted on the old blog!

After what felt like the longest week ever you we’re ready to let lose, and thankfully the rest of the team was on the same page. Morgan convinced everyone to meet him at some new club that was opening up this weekend. You quickly showered, threw on the first black dress you found, shoes to match. You finished doing your make up just as the doorbell ring.

 Spencer had agreed to pick you up, he said it was so you could drink as many margaritas as you wanted, but you knew behind the consideration was the truth; that he didn’t want to go alone. He wasn’t into these kinds of gatherings but you were hoping he would at least have some fun.  

“Hey you made it on time” you opened the door; he gave you a small wave. He was already tense standing by your door. You grabbed your bag, and keys and rushed out.

The place was crowded, how Morgan got you guys in was a miracle. Everyone was sitting around a table on the second floor.

“Morgan, who do you know that got us in here” you said excited as you hugged everyone. Penelope handed you a huge glass of some pretty mixed drink before moving over enough space for you and Spencer. “I know people, people know me” he said with a big smile on his face. 

Everyone was socializing, it wasn’t long before Morgan found some girls to flirt with, JJ and Emily we’re on the dance floor, Penelope and Rossi went to the bar. “You sure you don’t want anything to drink Spence?” you came back with two drinks, neither of them for him. “No, no thank you” he didn’t look present, his mind was somewhere else, far away from here. 

“Did you want to dance?” you shot up a smile at the genius sitting next to you “No, I’m sorry I’m really not into this” before you could say anything Spencer headed for the door.

“Spence?” you walked through the doors of the club looking all around for the genius who was pacing back and forth. His eyes wouldn’t leave the ground as you walked up to him. “Hey are you okay?” he refused to look at you. “I suck at this, I’m awful at this”

“At going to clubs?”

“No, being around people, talking to people, I look weird, I feel even weirder, I don’t belong in there, everyone can see that”

“No that’s not true, you’re with us, your friends, me, you belong here”

His warm brown eyes met yours, “You’re amazing Spence, you’re smart, and caring, loving, and all those people can’t see that by just looking at you, but I can, and I do constantly, all the time.”

Before you could finish your sentence Spencer had thrown his arms around you, holding you tightly.

“Let’s ditch everyone, come home with me,” you said once he finally let go of you.

You shot Penelope a text letting her know you weren’t feeling very well, so Spencer had to take you home.

You turned on the lights to the living room, dropping your coat on the couch. Spencer walked slowly behind you as you made your way to the kitchen. “You know I found that in most cases, wine will make anything better” you poured two glasses and handed him one.

“I hate seeing you like this Spence, you’re amazing, I wish you could see your self through my eyes, you wouldn’t ever doubt your self again” he smiled looking down at his glass of wine.

“You don’t have to do that”

“Do what?”

“Lie, just to make me feel better”

“I’m not lying, Spence I love you and –“

“You love me,” he blurted out loud.

“Yeah I love you—“ his lips abruptly met yours, before you could even think about how to react, your kissed him back, passionately.

Time stood still as your wrapped your hands around his hair, this felt so perfect. He brushed the hair our of your face “You make everything better.”

TAGS: @reiding-and-writing @arizonalovesher @sithlordalice @queenelsaschuyler @thosefantasticbeast2 @obsessed-with-book-boyfriends @baerrylll @matthewgublers @valiantlyprofoundcheesecake @elyse121303 @mermaid-princess-wannabe @thecrownssmith @bolieve-that @angel-hunter-winchester @wundterwall @cassidyandtuliplove @spencerreidtrash @socialscratch @okimdiya @bigcmfan @frickin-bats @coffeeismylife28 @riddle-me-bliss @lalakawe @devilgirlsarah @milkandcookies528 @pack-omega @cranky-blue-boy @do-i-really-know @heatherpotter @thegublerfiles @exitthevehiclenow @sassesu @crimindsaspe @amarislestrange

IF I MISSED YOU ON THE TAGS, LET ME KNOW! My organization is totally lacking! 

[matty-colt-blog]

hey yall! ive been lurking the teaser blog/talk tag for quite a while now and i figured it was about time i stepped out of the shadows and introduced myself. hopefully ill get my shit together and post some more stuff here in the next little while, but if not then fingers crossed that i get to write with all you wonderful, creative people when the game opens!

what’s your name? whereabouts are you from?

hey hi hello, i’m ariel and i hail from the frozen wasteland of canadia. specifically vancouver, where it’s less frozen and more grey and currently a sweltering 20 degrees celsius. (i have a really low tolerance for heat, okay? let me live)

when playing clue, who do you usually play as?

as a kid, miss peacock (because my mom always took miss scarlet smh). these days, i generally opt for professor plum. (sidebar: do you guys know they killed off mrs. white?? true life. i can’t believe they’d disrespect madeline kahn like that.)

what’s your favorite character archetype / superlative?

oh man, so many. tropes are my motherfucking lifeblood. the token evil teammate literally always gets me. i want every villain ever to become part of the gang. as far as rp, i tend to play straight-up bad dudes (can you tell I love me a villain yet?), but when it comes to horror settings i’m inexplicably drawn to like, well-intentioned idiots. the kind of dude who gets literally all of his friends (and himself) killed because he found out about this sick party in the inescapable lower catacombs of paris where he might get laid (rest in peace, jace, you sweet dummy).

what was the last tv show you watched?

ozark. it’s essentially like… If breaking bad was blue-tinted instead of yellow-tinted. and not as great. julia garner is amaaazing in it, though. it’s worth it just for her, honestly.

what’s your favorite horror movie cliche?

i love when the gang’s been chilling for a while and then marty goes out to get more ice and gets his tongue pulled out through his nose or whatever and then a couple hours later laura’s like “hey, wasn’t marty gonna get more ice? where is he?” and jake’s like “oh, you know marty, probably just gettin’ up to his usual marty hijinks. frickin’ marty. we should forget about our friend and keep partying like everything’s normal.” and laura’s like “haha, you’re probably right, jake. i’m just being paranoid.”

if a murderer / monster / generally creepy dude were about to break into the room you’re currently in, what would you do with what you have?

i mean, in theory i’d throw the hardcover copy of it that’s beside me at his face to give me a second to get to the lighters and hairspray that are on my dresser and barbecue that motherfucker, but in reality i’d probably freeze up and die horribly. all my genre savvy is wasted on my bullshit bio response. siiiiigh.

if you’ve played until dawn before, who didyou most identify with?

unfortunately, i have not. however, i did watch all 10 hours of yms adam’s play through of it because, while i am not a gamer, i am both horror and choose your own adventure trash. i enjoyed it thoroughly. i didn’t connect with any of the characters too strongly, but if i had to pick one, maybe josh? (let’s not read into that too much.)

are you leaning towards a gender / sexuality / name for your character? what is it? we really want to know.

well, if you’re reading this you’re currently on the mock blog for my son, matty colt. he’s a straight (but not narrow ayyy) cis-male, and his archetype is the athlete. he’s got a good heart but he’s super susceptible to peer pressure, which leads to a lot of confusion about who he really is and what really matters to him. i’m planning to do a full character analysis of him at some point (i originally intended on him being your stereotypical alpha male to a tee, but then i was like ‘let’s dig a little deeper into that archetype and make him more real!’ and then he got… pretty sad tbh what have i done), but for now if you’d like to know more, there’s a tiny bit of (subject to change) info here. anyway, i’m so incredibly psyched about this game, so if anyone wants to chat or whatever hmu anytime. love y'all already.

[doomedandstoned]

Buried Under Amps: The Revengeance Tour Rumbles Los Angeles

Review & Concert Footage by Elizabeth Gore

Little more than a year ago, CONAN rode down the mountainside through Glendale, California, on tour with Seattle Doomers Serial Hawk and picked up local favorite YIDHRA to play at The Complex. This year, we were lucky enough to have them return to The Complex on another North American tour with NORTH and SIXES had the honor to call this show their debut performance.

The Complex is one of the remaining venues in Los Angeles that still hosts the majority of underground metal shows, namely by seasoned Church of the 8th Day promoter, Dan Dismal. Bad news came the day of the event, however, when all involved were notified that the show had to be moved from The Complex to the mysterious 103 Lounge. Changing venues the afternoon before a show is haphazard, to say the least, but thanks to social media and the endless notifications we receive during the day, the intended crowd turnout found the replacement venue without difficulty.

The new venue definitely had its challenges, as Dismal and The Complex crew had to haul the soundboard, stage, and rent out a PA system just to accommodate the makeshift space. As I navigated my way through the crowd to the front of the stage, I realized with the stacked amps on top of the stage, there was only remaining room for the drum kit. This was going to be a quite intimate experience, being on the same ground as the musicians, within spitting distance.

The roar of the crowd was muted out by light feedback as SIXES took the stage, and the frickin' laser beams began their randomization. Being their initiating show, Sixes’ performance was in high demand after their single “A Cross To Burn” debuted on Doomed & Stoned and caught momentum via other esteemed blogs. Their stage setup was certainly appreciated, adorned with ram skulls, and burning black candles.

If Sixes were nervous, it wasn’t particularly evident; they stood up to the critical crowd and bellowed back. All instruments were verily compelling on the system, but it seemed as though the vocals were more drowned out than usual. With the conditions of the sound system, and the fact they weren’t able to rebound off the feedback (being separated from their amps), moments of molasses sludge and deep canyons of phrasing were slightly lost.

Throughout their performance, I was keenly aware of how shrouded in darkness we all were, and how the music could bring us to an older place in the Aether. I once characterized their message as “schismatic nihilism,” and in this performance sensed quite a bit of aggression from Cummings and Bogacs, but would have liked to see a more vicious side of Reddis. Regardless, Sixes played a no-nonsense set, keeping true to their doom roots, as their current songs are on average thirteen minutes apiece.

I’m still fighting internally whether I consider Sixes to be blackened doom (because of their surfacing ideology and world views) or sludge. You all can decide for yourselves based on their latest single, and this footage of “Acid God” with which they opened their set.

Follow The Band.

Worship Amps. Not Gods.

After a resounding applause for Sixes, the sludge enthusiasts, NORTH began to load on unmistakable Worshiper Cabs, the remaining backline, and other gear onto the stage. When North first came onto the scene, I was skeptical about their take on post-rock/sludge, because I had only been personally impressed by Castle and Dragged Into Sunlight on Prosthetic’s roster post-2006.

Having listened to 'Light The Way' (2016 - Prosthetic Records), I wasn’t thoroughly convinced I enjoyed their interpretation, but endeavored to listen with open ears this night on tour. For North, they’re definitely a trio that transforms when they’re on stage. I let the first song marinate, and decided that Hansen immediately kicked my ass with his creative and interesting anatomy of fills and engaging dynamics. Usually percussion isn’t my favorite part of a performance to single out, but with this setup, his varying triplets, and almost tribal drum form around some of the lyrical verses were quite captivating.

Throughout the set, my eyes would wander between Leek and Mutterperl working the strings. Their gear (from drums to pedals) did not seem to have any vintage fit (minus Leek’s Thunderbird), which made me think they’re more innovative on their ability to create a new doom sound for North’s interpretation.

Unfortunately though, I was watching Mutterperl go through intricate double tapping, sweeps, the whole lot, all-the-while switching through his various FX pedals and simply could not decipher where this added to their sound. I turned my attention to Leek’s vocals, which told a very primal story of despair that should be heeded, should you face the same fate of your life decisions.

I’m still waiting to finalize my personal verdict on North, as apparently the patterns I was audibly awaiting could be heard towards the back of the venue (I didn’t make the decision to move from my chosen filming spot). For now, they’re great storytellers who still have many more tales to share with their fans.

Follow The Band.

Get Their Music.

Being an unabashed shield maiden, CONAN sits well in my mind and heart, and my body was ready for their imminent assault. Setting up was somewhat of a trial for them, as I and other fans lit our mobile-torches for Davis to maneuver his gear to his square-foot of performance space. All bands at this point were being quite good sports about the setup, and the crowd had pushed up the front row to nearly standing on Davis’ and Fielding’s pedal boards. Fog began to crawl its way across the stage and floor, and Conan opened with “Throne of Fire” from their latest album 'Revengeance' (2016 - Napalm Records).

Many connoisseurs of metal often prefer a band’s first or second album to their latest, however, it was refreshing to hear how many supporters they had who wanted to hear everything they had to share. Davis’ first cries came out more distorted than I had heard before, but coupled with the devastating blows from Lewis, Conan was sonically threatening. As they moved through their set, I couldn’t help but notice how Fielding has these iconic lunges and his trademark footsteps-of-doom stance, wit coiled cabling oscillating around him. With Conan I was being transported over foreboding bogs and forests with Davis’ town crier yells ringing through steel gauntlets as they crash into your cheekbones. Conan’s combined pedal action and Worshipper Cab power erupted out nothing less than a lost ancient land.

The fog machine soon became obsolete. Conan brought England’s fog with them, which with all of the body steam, successfully fogged the windows with a heavier layer than Jack and Rose managed to whip up whilst on the Titanic. Needless to say, they played their heaviest “hits” from both 'Monnos' (2012 - Burning World Records) and 'Blood Eagle' (2012 - Napalm Records), with anthems like “Foehammer” and “Battle in the Swamp.” Conan proved why their fuzz and forlornly crafted compositions have reigned supreme for over a decade. Crom would have been pleased by their valor!

Follow The Band.

Hail CONAN!

If you missed Conan and North on tour in North America, you can catch them again at this year’s Psycho Las Vegas! Look for more Sixes events, as well, with updates posted here.

[fostertoforever]

Grief wave

I read a quote last night that says, “Grief is like the ocean. It comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

It’s been six and a half years since I went through fertility treatments and was told it would be nearly impossible for me to conceive a baby. It’s been almost six years since we got the phone call, we were going to be parents for the first time and that there was a newborn baby boy who needed a foster home. It’s been almost two years since another phone call came for a newborn baby girl who needed a foster home. All of these moments of my life, my journey to motherhood.

The pain of infertility and of pregnancy loss is, most of the time, out of my mind. I carry on with daily life and don’t think about the what ifs and what could have beens. I am blessed beyond measure with two children who fill my bruised heart with so much love, joy, and laughter. Every now and then, though, something will trigger those painful memories. Feelings of inadequacy. Failure. Emptiness. Like last month when I had to get a chest x-ray and the tech asked me four frickin’ times if there was any chance of pregnancy. Or when people tell me my foster daughter looks like me. Or people want to share their birth stories with me. And yes, if I’m honest, even still, when I see a pregnancy announcement.

Or yesterday...

Yesterday, I went to see an endocrinologist. It was a very thorough doctor’s visit and I was asked a lot of questions no one has ever asked me- at least not in a very long time. They went through my complete medical history. I got asked about infertility. A flood of memories came rushing back into my mind as I stuttered and tried to recall all the hormones, the medications, the injections, the tests, the procedures, the bloodwork, the specialists, the ultrasounds, the peeing on so many sticks. I recited the words my doctor had told me back in 2012 that changed the course of my life forever. The doctor then asked me if I ever sought a second opinion once I was told it would be difficult to conceive without doing IVF. Er, well, no. I was totally irreparably, irrationally incoherent with grief and sorrow, that no, I did NOT get a second opinion. I trusted my OBGYN. I went a little crazy accepting the fact that I would never conceive. Ok..it was more like A LOT crazy. But then eventually, I put on my big girl panties and my husband and I decided to become foster parents. We got P. Then we got C. That’s it.

So, the endocrinologist, after studying my charts and hearing my sob story, very matter of fact, looks over his glasses at me, and says “I think you have a metabolic disorder. I think that’s what’s wrong with you now and what was wrong with you then. You should have gotten a second opinion. You shouldn’t have given up.”

Guys, I swear, as soon as those words left his mouth, my ears started ringing and I felt my whole body want to just spaz. WHAT?! I held it together and tightly squeezed my eyes shut. I took a deep breath and told him it was too late for the baby train and that even if he could’ve helped me back then, infertility gave me my children. Children who, I know in my heart, were meant to be mine. I tried to swim through the grief wave and get back to my safe shore.

Just that little statement from the doctor, sent me into total emotional overdrive yesterday and still today. I feel like I’m being overdramatic about this, but honestly, my womb has never felt emptier. Those feelings are so fresh in my mind and heart right now and I can’t shake them. I’m on top of the grief wave again and my safe, happy shore is so far away. My inner dialogue is going insane.

“I should have sought a second opinion. “

“But you didn’t…and now it’s too late.”

“Is it?”

“Uh, yeah. You’re 37 and have two kids. Not to mention the fact that you’ve had two thermal ablations and a device put in. It’s over, Jess. It’s been over.”

“I should’ve tried harder. I shouldn’t have given up that easy. Why wouldn’t I have sought a different opinion?”

“You technically did! You went to two different doctors. And do I need to remind you how difficult all those treatments were? And how expensive?! It wrecked your system.”

“Ugh. I remember.”

“You know you were meant to be P and C’s mama. Infertility gave you those babies.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But….”

“No buts. You’re fine. Move on. Let it go.”

Regret is kinda the worst punishment, isn’t it? I guess I never got closure on the whole infertility thing. Why did this happen? Did I do something wrong? I was told it would be nearly impossible unless I did IVF and even then, it might not happen. Not enough eggs in my basket and those that were left, weren’t very good. Was this caused by a metabolic disorder I’ve had all along? Could I have sought a second opinion, got on the right course of medications, and made those remaining eggs better? I know medicine isn’t an exact science and that sometimes, one doctor’s opinion doesn’t match another’s. If I had sought a second opinion, how do I know it wouldn’t have been the same outcome? What if instead of going right into foster parent training, that I continued the fertility fight? Well, I know the answer to that- I wouldn’t have met my precious baby boy.

And there it is. My shore.

I’ve said all along, since I started writing this blog, that I know why it didn’t work out before. That P was the baby I had dreamed of and wanted all along. That when I saw him, I knew immediately. So, today, in the aftermath of yesterday’s trigger, I’m making it my mission to go back and look at my old blog posts. I’m going to go back and look at all of his newborn pictures. I’m going to squeeze him extra tight. I’m going to remember why I KNOW I never got a second opinion. Why I became a foster mom. Why he is mine and I am his. And then I’ll do the same with C. They are my children. They are my life. They are like my little lighthouses in the sea of grief I somehow got sucked into again. I know it’s the not the first time this has happened and I know it won’t be the last. Will it ever get easier to handle? To accept? Maybe. But I’ll always have two beautiful reminders of why life worked out exactly how it was supposed to. Second opinions or not.

Screw you, regrets. I’m going to keep swimming.

~Mama Jess

[obaewankenope]

I thought I was following you already?!? I just read back to page 25 of your blog, seeing many great discussions and meta (and seeing you deal with more than your share of idiots), and knew I had to (re?)follow you right away. You're great. Your blog is great. And I only rediscovered it because of your poems for Swung by Serafim, which I saw on flamethrower's blog and recognised your name. ...I hope this didn't seem weird.

Dammit, sorry. Wasn't the poems that got me coming here, they just reinforced the decision. It was the future HP Disability article, which I really want to see. I'm ASD too (along with the requisite mixed handful of accompanying diagnoses, like ADHD and OCD and Depression and Panic and Anxiety and and and-), but I know I sometimes get caught in thinking about people the way the people in my family I don't associate with anymore do - racist, ableist, and more. I try not to, and part of doing (1/2) that is educating myself. Both about things I didn't initially see a problem with, and about things (like HP) that have been a niggling disquiet in the back of my head for a while - I enjoyed HP IMMENSELY, and it will always be one of my big loves, like Star Wars and Transformers and some others, but I have been wondering what this discontent was about for some time (apart from dissatisfaction with the ending and general stuff you can expect from a HP fan nowadays). (2/?) And a lot of it comes down to representation, both missing and flawed. Disability and MOGAI (Marginalised Orientations, Genders, and Intersex - I heard it somewhere, and prefer it to listing categories, as it means no-one can exclude anyone, intentionally or otherwise, by omitting a letter. Plus it sounds like Mogwai, and makes me imagine us as gremlins, ready to wreck shit if you treat us improperly) matters are both ways Rowling fell down, and reading your article might clarify my thoughts.

Hey there! It's not a problem that you decided to follow me after that poem on @deadcatwithaflamethrower's Swung fic. That's honestly as good catalyst as any heh. I'm pretty impressed that you saw anything good in 25 pages on my blog tho lol, I thought it'd be all random stuff and rage haha.

As someone once reminded me, the first thought you have is the one you're trained to have while the second is the one you choose to have. So long as we think about what we do, say, think or feel, we can always seek to better ourselves and decrease the discrimination and prejudice that is so rampant in society. One of the most important things we do as people, as developing individuals who learn to reason and think about things, is the ability to recognise when something bothers us and to try and discover why. I, personally, love HP, it was one of my favourite series of books and I am terrifying when it comes to HP trivia, but I became aware of the problems and issues in HP eventually through a lot of personal experiences and such. This led me to look at everything I read with a more critical perspective, and that's why this HP disability article even exists. Fortunately, not everyone takes it upon themselves to write a mini thesis on one of their favourite book series because it's an example of continued discrimination—though perhaps that's a pity since the academic world could do with a few more theses like this one imho.

When we look at representation of any minority or group, whether they're a majority or not, the problem always lies in the fact that some people just never do the research into it all and they work with flawed assumptions and perspectives. Or, if they do research, they use a limited number of sources, that may not be as reliable as they'd thought. And then you get an absolute disaster of confusion and inaccurate portrayals of so many things. Like with HP. There are a lot of things in HP that are inaccurate, misleading, or, honestly, just plain rude. Some of us like accurate portrayal of fae and do not appreciate the way JK has treated them. The same with historical figures and so on. Or Latin. Oh the Latin is disastrous honestly. And the colonialism. The focus on one magical language. On Britain having a giant war and this being the 'end of everything' for the magical community—such a hark back to the old view that Britain was the centre of the universe back when we had a frickin Empire that enslaved people and owned all but 22 countries on the planet at one point or another.

As you can see, there are many things I have a problem with with HP but my most pressing one is disability. It's one of the least investigated aspects of HP and there is no detailed overview of every form of ableism present in the series, which is something I'm working to rectify. Why? Because my friends inadvertently gave me the idea. Now I'm working on it in the hopes I can use it as a thesis for a Disability Studies MA that I'm hoping to get. Either way, it's going to be a long, detailed critique of HP and its treatment of disability and the ableism inherent in it.

So, if reading my article may help you in furthering your understanding of your own feelings towards HP and JK then I hope it does. And I will be writing an abridged version of it at some point, removing a lot of the flowery 'academic-speak' trash so it can become a tumblr post for everyone on here to read as well. References will be kept of course, but I'm not gonna do that stupid fancy dandy language.

If anything, I'll probably just swear a lot.

[irinka-dance-blog]

Last night felt like a dream.... real, but kind of unbelievable at the same time.

I feel like I'm floating in a bubble of happiness, so so thankful for everyone who helped out with this show, from my wonderful cast and hardworking crew (shoutout to Rachel, who amazed me with her resilience and creativity as assistant director - this was the first show she's ever been in!!), and to all the volunteers who helped set up the performance and art exhibition. And I'm especially thankful for my amazing mother, who stayed up the night before, baking food for the bake sale/concession stand, then manning the concession stand during the show along with Nina's mother!​​

After two months of hard work, everything came together in such an incredible way, I could not have asked for a more rewarding experience.

THE SHOW

In the two weeks leading up to the showcase, everything was flowing quite smoothly.

Rachel and I would spend a majority of our time in Design Lab either cutting out these huge snowflakes for decoration, or painting the flats and platforms for the set.

Priya would write up our blog posts for the class, and help us whenever we needed a hand.

Last week, I posted a reflection on rehearsals, specifically group song rehearsals, with a video attached of us learning the sign language for Song of Purple Summer. Go check that out!

I had a crap ton of loose ends to tie up.

I had to revise the entire show program/playbill because we made a bunch of changes to the scenes and lineup of acts at the last minute. So throughout the school day (during lunch and Design Lab), I sat down and rushed to make the necessary changes.

Rachel, darling that she is, made sure that the set was finished and then helped me make the programs look nice. We stayed after school so that we could print the programs (and boy did that take a lot of time) and set up the art show.

I'm going to bow down to *queen* Rachel because she is truly a powerhouse. She took charge of setting up the entire art show, and she did a fantastic job with it!

The art itself was abso-frickin-lutely amazing! We hung strings of lights around the auditorium lobby for decoration, and the entire exhibition looked breath-taking.

We had a cue-to-cue rehearsal yesterday from 5:30, before the show. 

We desperately needed it, because we hadn't run the show in its entirety yet. The actual cue-to-cue went well, credit to the cast and crew for working so well together and coming prepared - everyone knew when their scenes were, where to be, etc.

We had some technical issues as we were starting the cue-to-cue: at first NONE of the stage lights were working! 

RJ, who was doing lights and tech, ran an extension chord from the catwalk above the stage down to a table backstage, connecting the stage lights to his light board so that he could control them. For some reason, even though the extension chord was plugged and showed that it was working, the lights wouldn't respond when RJ put them on. This was happening less than an hour before the show started. We decided to run through the cue-to-cue regardless, using just the spotlight and making sure that the acts and scene changes ran smoothly.RJ went up to the catwalk to try and fix the light issue. (He did eventually, but we still don't know why they weren't working)

Then, another problem came up: we realized that we had gotten the wrong microphones. 

We had to borrow microphones from the school office (4 lapel mics and 2 handhelds), since we didn't have our own. (When we found out that lapel mics were an option, we were super excited, because they allow for a much greater range of motion and the user doesn't have to worry about how they're holding them.)

* Quick side note: I made an incredibly stupid mistake earlier that day - I forgot to get the mics from the office. I was setting up the stage for the cue-to-cue when RJ asked me, "hey Irina, where are the microphones?". 

I froze. 

The only thing running through my head was 'holy shit holy shit holy shit'. 

And I took off, running to find one of the janitors. The mics were locked in a safe in one of the office closets, and only the administrators knew the code to that safe. I nearly broke down when I remembered that. All of this planning and hard work, going up in flames because I was stupid enough to forget to get the microphones. Thankfully, it turned out that there was a basketball game going on at that exact time, and one of the administrators was there. She unlocked the safe, I got the microphones, and booked it back to the auditorium in record time. **

The sound board backstage could only have 3 mics on at a time - either 2 lapels and 1 handheld or vice versa. And only certain mics could be turned on at the same time (for example, only lapel 1 and 3 could be on at the same time, and only 2 and 4 could be put on together), same thing with the handheld mics.​​

During dress rehearsal on Wednesday, Rachel and RJ had made sure to connect each of our microphones to the correct channel in the sound system, and they could only work if they were synced to that channel. When we started to do the cue-to-cue, we realized that we had borrowed the wrong handheld microphone, and that it wouldn't work with any of the other mics that we had. Thankfully, Rachel figured out that we could just sync the microphone to one of the other channels, so we got back on track again. 

We ended up pushing opening back 15 minutes; instead of letting people in at 6:30, we let them in at 6:45. Everyone was rushing around backstage, making final touches to their makeup, making sure the mics were in order, and getting in their places.

And then the show started.

The curtains open with me standing center stage, on the square platform. 

My heart is pounding, my stomach in knots. I let out a slow breath, trying to calm my pulse. I close my eyes for a second, blinded by the spotlight, then look out at the audience. Vague black shapes can be seen in the audience, with faces peeking out here and there. My eyes immediately find Gillian, sitting down in the audience. My muscles relax, and I start speaking.

"This is for the fat girls.This is for the little brothers.This is for the schoolyard wimps and the childhood bullies that tormented them.For the former prom queen and for the milk crate ball players,for the nighttime cereal eaters and for the retired elderly Walmart storefront door greeters. Shake the dust."

After that opening poem (Shake the Dust by Anis Mojgani), the entire night was a blur.

At first I was really worried, rushing around to make sure that everyone was at their places and had their mics, that the crew knew what set change was next and that everyone was quiet backstage. But after a while I realized that I didn't need to micro-manage it all.

I stepped back and let everyone do their thing, and guess what - it went perfectly! 

I stood behind the flats that hid the backstage area and watched each act, tearing up a little at a sad poem, laughing when Ivy went out to read a Shakespearean soliloquy. And I was amazed at how wonderful each act was, how well the audience responded, how everything just fell into place.

At the end of the show, everyone took their bows and waved to the audience. Then Nina stepped forward as the curtains were closing, telling everyone to wait a second. She was holding a bouquet of roses, and pulled me, bumbling mess I was, forward with her. And as she thanked me for organizing the showcase, I looked around at all my friends, surrounding me on stage, and I thought "this is why I do theater. This is what makes it all worth it".

And now, just a day later, post-show depression is hitting me, hard.

That's probably why this post is really sappy and mushy, but I'm going to let myself wallow in it for a little while longer.

[iamthevainglory]

Maple

I moved 2 and a half years ago. 

Before I did, I used to have a good life - not perfect, but good enough. I had a good job, I had my family and friends around me, great church community, and most of all an awesome lover. 

December 2016

Then I moved. The first few months were torture. I decided to leave everything to chase greener pastures, so I applied as a student not knowing what lies ahead. I jumped from one job to another while in school, trying to figure out how to pay bills and rent and how to feed myself. It was a nightmare. My selfish instincts kicked in. I did not want people to know I am having a hard time and I don’t want them to worry about me. I shut everything down in my life - and that was the biggest mistake of my life. I deactivated my Facebook - which was the only way I can communicate with the people in my home country. I did not respond to messages my friends sent me. I made another facebook account exclusive for my family, best friends and my “new” friends. I ran away. Worst of all, I broke up with my boyfriend. 

It wasn’t just a break up - it was a coward one. I did it through email. I sent a message saying I needed time, blah... blah... blah... I never had the balls to even talk to him over the phone. I did not realize that time how much I hurt him. I received lots of messages from him and our friends... mostly him, asking me if he will wait for me: but my dumbass self that time never even read those messages entirely, nor replied to it. Yes, I was dumb and cruel. At that point, I was just thinking of myself and how to avoid the double kill: the pain of having to deal with the break up and pain of having to deal with the hardship of moving and surviving. I shut down. At that time, I was numb. I did not feel anything.

October 2017

When I was done school, I finally got a job and things just got better. I was ready to look back again, but the past was too messy to fix. Some of my friends I lost contact with and my boyfriend (already my ex) started to move on.

I messaged him and guess what? He was and still is the nicest guy I know. He replied casually. I knew at that point he still loved me and I did him. I tried to come back in his life, but he was closed. I cannot blame him. I deserve to be treated like how he did, maybe worse, because I hurt him. I drowned him in pain when I decided that I will just disappear and not talk to him for 7 months. There was no explaining. I was wrong. I tried winning him back, but I am never a long distance relationship kind of woman so when he asked me “So what makes you think this is going to work now?”, I could not answer.

January 2018

I know he wanted to give me a chance but he wasn’t ready. I wanted to beg him to come back to me and make all the promises in the world, but I can’t. I needed him to forgive me (which he frickin’ did - fck i love him) and be ready to come back to me in his own time but I was inconsistent. I never did my best. I should’ve put more effort to win him back, maybe courted him or something, but I never did. Darn. I could not blame him. It is all my fault. 

The rest of the year was a blur. I was busy again applying for my immigration papers, trying to figure out how to renew my work permit and just surviving every single thing that life threw at me. I lost contact with him again. Every so often though, I would browse through his social media profile, look at his face and think of how nice it would be to spend the rest of my life with somebody like him. I was a stalker. We would have conversations spurts, but that never got us anywhere. It was hard to have a 14-hour time gap, or I just dd not try hard enough. We had the one conversation and we just decided to move on with our lives. I thought I was okay with that.

February 2019

I dreamt about him multiple times. There was a time where I was my old bugger self and bugged him to death to talk to me, and man I tell you, he was hard to please. Eventually he said yes but he was mad. I literally poured my heart out crying over the phone and begged for him to wait for me until I come home and we would talk, but he said he would not promise. I said “It’s okay, I will still try.” I meant it. If I could fly back home anytime I wanted, I would - but I could not.

He said “How could you say you still love me, I’m not even the same person anymore?” I said “I am not the same person anymore too. If you give me a chance, we could start over, and maybe we could fall in love over again.” - it never happened.

April 2019

I am still hoping. It will never die. If he ever come across this blog post I want him to know that I am sorry for being blind and wasteful and if I could redo everything, I will do it differently. I do believe in second chances and I hope he does too. Maybe if I pray hard enough, destiny would be on my side and we could start over a new chapter. I pray I get to see his face again sooner, because honestly, I miss him more than anything else. I always say I like to chase happiness, but I actually did let it go - it is him. I hope he gives me a chance to chase again. I will never love any other man more than I loved him.