#I just want to go back to normal and be able to just have fun without all these thoughts in my head

[poppyseed-cookie]

(In honor of 1,000 notes, here’s the story behind this post)

Haha it’s a little roleplay au. I’ll explain it since u asked, it’s actually a lot less focused on the art I showed than you’d think. Warning, it’s all beast x ancient (this is a shadowvanilla post so I doubt that’s much of a problem for ppl but in case yall don’t like the other bxa ships)

Soo, for whatever mysterious reason, the Ancients get transported back in time to before the Beasts were corrupted. Millennial Tree, having powers of Time and all, noticed this happened, and said “okay, don’t worry, I’ll find a way to get you guys back to when you’re supposed to be. As long as you don’t create or destroy any life, I should be able to fix the timeline, so just hang out and have fun or whatever until I figure out how to get you guys back”

So the Ancients are just like “cool vacation in prehistoric times ig (we call them prehistoric times cuz technically the history of these times is practically all erased lol)” so they just tour around and see what the Beasts were like in the past as Virtues.

First off, we don’t have Silent Salt lore, so White Lily just went “awesome I love studying things that cookies shouldn’t normally be able to” and just completely wandered off doing her research on literally everything and they just don’t see her 😭 ngl I keep imagining she’s going to Solidarity Salt’s Concerts for some reason I can’t make this canon I don’t think they held concerts why would they be a singer I shouldn’t even be typing this I haven’t even told my sister (the one I rp this with) this stupid idea

ANYWAYS… Golden Cheese just goes sight seeing, not wanting to get into any trouble. Hollyberry wants to go see the Garden, but immediately gets distracted by visiting all the bars she can find and tasting all the prehistoric drinks. Pure Vanilla enrolls into the Fount of Knowledge’s school because he just wants to see what his teachings were like. Dark Cacao… the real story begins with him.

Dark Cacao saw that cookies lined up to get their wishes granted by Master Flour Cookie. He figured, since that’s his beast and all, he should go and see what it’s like. So he stood in line and eventually got to her. She asked him what his wish was, and then he realized he stood in line that WHOLE time not having a wish. He said “uhhh I just came here because I wanted to see you”. Master Flour’s not really sure what to do about that one. It feels really awkward so Dark Cacao asks her what her favorite food is. She answers, and he wishes for some of it, which she grants, but only for him to tell her to have it. He remembered that cookies weren’t very nice to the Beasts from what he could gather, so he figured he’d do something a little nice for her. Then he left.

Master Flour Cookie was stunned. A cookie shows up with only the desire to see her? And wishes she would give herself a treat? She’d never had a cookie be so kind and selfless to her. She goes to the other Virtues and tells them about this mysterious cookie that warmed her heart, and Sugar of Happiness immediately encourages her to pursue this feeling of happiness. Master Flour’s not sure if she can, but the other Virtues, especially Sugar of Happiness and Fount of Knowledge, offer their help.

So Dark Cacao is just walking around when suddenly the Sugar of Happiness swoops down from the skies, picks him up, and flies him over to the Ivory Pagoda. Scariest moment of his life. Once he’s there he discovers that Master Flour Cookie is interested in him. Romantically. Oh no no no. How could this happen??? This is the beast of APATHY. It’s so unnatural to see her this flustered… she’s not supposed to like anyone!! But what’s Dark Cacao gonna do? Break her heart? Nope.

So when he gets back to his Ancient friends he explains the situation. They’re all shocked. “What did you do to make Mystic Flour fall in love with you??” but when he explains what he did, they all go “OH MY GOSH UNMATCHED RIZZ!!!! DUDE YOU TOTALLY RIZZED HER UP!!!! THAT WAS SMOOTH!!!!” He doesn’t believe it except he has to believe it because why else is he in this situation. Also I can’t forget to mention that the Fount of Knowledge approached Dark Cacao, circled around him, nodded, and left at one point which also terrified him. (Fount was analyzing him to figure out what sort of things he likes to help Master Flour out in her dating escapades)

Now let’s have a look at Pure Vanilla. It’s VERY IMPORTANT to note, that, this au is based on my roleplay, and in that roleplay, Pure Vanilla and Shadow Milk ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP. So, he enrolled into school to see what his Present boyfriend was like in the Past. He’s been studying at the Blueberry Milk Academy, and enjoying it for the most part… but there was one thing that ruined it for him. And that was the other students in his class. They didn’t enjoy the Fount’s more creative ways of teaching (especially the songs they were forced to learn) and would sometimes talk during lessons. Pure Vanilla would sometimes snap at his classmates if they were disrupting the Fount’s lessons, and was always very encouraging of the Fount’s creative lessons. He always spoke many praises of the teacher and how he’s proud of him for doing such a good job teaching the class.

This is also where his classmates ruin the experience for him. He didn’t have many friends. That’s because… there was a rumor about him going around class. A rumor that he was crushing HARD on the teacher. His classmates were all very disturbed by this and constantly told him “dude the Fount of Knowledge isn’t gonna screw you” and he kept insisting that was NOT his goal, he’s NOT into the Fount, he just really enjoys class. Yet his excellent grades didn’t help the rumors. He was basically the “teachers pet” except nobody called him that especially because it felt more like he wanted the TEACHER to be HIS pet. Pure Vanilla is absolutely stunned at these rumors. Like, sure that’s his future boyfriend, but he wasn’t trying to do anything!!! Just school!!!

For a while, it’s just rumors and a lack of friends. But eventually, the Fount starts to see the evidence pile up that his top student Likes him. He doesn’t know how to react, and confides in his fellow Virtues that one of his students seems into him. A very good, kind, and attentive student. Seeing as they all got Master Flour a boyfriend, they immediately encourage Fount to pursue this as well. No one had ever treated the Fount as lovingly as Pure Vanilla, so he went along with this idea, not receiving any help since he can already see Pure Vanilla during the day and he also hates admitting when he’s not sure what to do so of course he wouldn’t ask for any further help.

So one class, the Fount nervously asks to see Pure Vanilla after class. He’s surprised by this but is like “ok”. His classmates are STUNNED. “Surely not…” they think. After class it’s just Fount and PV. Fount gets really flustered and says “so, um, d-do you want to, um- NEVER MIND!!!” and he tries to run away but trips and almost cries from embarrassment. Pure Vanilla is nice about it and tries to make sure he’s ok. PV gets the message and gently accepts Fount’s offer, careful not to scare him off. Sooo now they’re a thing.

Also yes, Dark Cacao and Master Flour are dating. He didn’t want to break her heart. He has tried coming up with excuses for why it wouldn’t work out but she grants wishes bro she has the power of Volition SHE CAN MAKE IT WORK. He refuses to say “I’m not interested” so there’s nothing he can do (but is he really not interested…?).

Pure Vanilla tells his Ancient friends that he’s dating the Fount of Knowledge now. They are not surprised, except for the fact that TWO of them are now dating Virtues. At least THIS time Pure Vanilla was ACTUALLY already dating the guy in the present…

Seeing as this post is focused on purefount y’all probably want me to go into more detail about that. They’ve had a lot of developments and gotten really close, the Fount of Knowledge lets Pure Vanilla call him Blueberry Milk now and he’s learned things that he didn’t know about Shadow Milk. Blueberry Milk is willing to be so open to Pure Vanilla in part BECAUSE he has this strange sense that the two of them have a far deeper connection than normal cookies, not realizing they are actually soulmates.

In terms of close calls like the post, Blueberry Milk DID absolutely scare the life out of Pure Vanilla by asking “oh by the way, I don’t recognize the fields you grew up in! Where is that? Oh, right, forgot to mention, I looked into your memories 😊” Pure Vanilla considers himself very lucky that he seems to have ONLY looked into his childhood, which doesn’t have any super incriminating evidence of being a time traveler with a soul jam, (Blueberry Milk was only curious WHERE Pure Vanilla came from, that’s why he only checked as far back as he could remember) but the fact that Blueberry Milk has the power to see into his memories is very concerning. Luckily the Fount doesn’t seem too interested in prying, but man.

The other Ancients start to get concerned about all this plus the fact that Blueberry Milk has discovered that the cookies catching the attention of the Virtues (skipped over GC and BS don’t worry I’ll loop back to that shortly) are all actually friends, AND wants to come over and visit them sometime, they’re like “listen we know you love Blueberry Milk and we’re letting Dark Cacao date Mystic Flour (DC in the background: help) but this is starting to get dangerous. That’s one of the most powerful cookies in existence when it comes to magic, if anyone could ruin the time fixing stuff it could be the Fount, plus what if discovering that it becomes Shadow Milk causes that to happen early and cookies die?”

But Pure Vanilla just caaaan’t stop loving his precious partner. Sooo let’s go back a bit and see what happened with Golden Cheese Cookie.

She was just sight seeing as per usual, going around one of the Herald of Change’s kingdoms to admire the culture and architecture there, not realizing that the Herald himself would actually BE there. He noticed her wings and was captivated by her IMMEDIATELY. He went up to her and said “hey! Why do you have wings?” to which Golden Cheese panicked and said “oh, I was raised by cheesebirds.” Herald of Change said “ohhh that makes sense” and immediately went to the Fount of Knowledge to ask about what cheesebirds like. That’s how Blueberry Milk discovers that the Herald is now interested in Golden Cheese, PV also happened to be there and was just internally like “ohhh no”

Unlike with the other two, when the Herald tells the other Virtues about his newfound crush, they aren’t as intrigued or encouraging. The Herald was one of the only Virtues to actually date around. This wasn’t new or exciting to them, and it’s not even like Golden Cheese had done anything to win him over, he just thought she was pretty. Still, Blueberry Milk was always happy to help the Herald (important part of our roleplay lore tbh) and hunted down Golden Cheese for him so that it could scan her and learn what she likes, since the Herald really wanted to know.

Golden Cheese saw the Fount of Knowledge approaching her, and thought “oh, no, Dark Cacao described this happening to him, too. The Fount definitely isn’t meant to be here and is definitely coming towards me. Oh, wait! I don’t need to let him circle me! I can fly away!” So that’s what she did.

Blueberry Milk didn’t expect that but immediately became suspicious because of that action. She DEFINITELY saw him approaching, and CHOSE to escape him. Plus, she had LIED. Potentially. Blueberry Milk has an open mind and says that “MAYBE there are WAYS you can spin it so ‘I got wings because I was raised by cheesebirds’ is true” but still thought it strange. Blueberry Milk also noticed a pattern, that both his and Master Flour’s new boyfriends knew each other, and figured maybe it was the same for the Herald’s new crush. Blueberry Milk went to PV and did a brief scan of him to discover that yes, he does know Golden Cheese.

The Fount of Knowledge is somewhat onto them, no longer totally oblivious that there’s anything strange going on, but is giving Pure Vanilla its full trust because it loves him deeply. Still, it questions whether it’s all worth it, knowing that for reasons unexplained, Pure Vanilla isn’t planning on staying.

Anyways. The Herald of Change figured that cheesebirds like cheese and sticks. So, he went to Golden Cheese with cheese and sticks. He gave them to her, then yelled “OH MY GOSH IM STUPID! WHY DIDNT I GET CHEESE STICKS?!” and ran away in embarrassment. Golden Cheese found the pitiful attempt at wooing her kind of cute. She put the cheese on the sticks to eat.

Back home with the Ancients, she is DEVASTATED that she is now part of the “strange relationship with Beast” club. She insists that she doesn’t DESERVE to be lumped in with Dark Cacao and Pure Vanilla, because she didn’t DO anything to garner his attention other than be her glorious self. All it took was a look and she was involved. Hollyberry is just like “on one hand I should avoid Eternal Sugar at all costs so that I can be the One Cookie who is doing things right. On the other hand, I’m REALLY curious”

So far we haven’t added a branch to the au where Hollysugar happens. So FOR NOW, Hollyberry is the one safe Ancient (other than WL until we learn more about SS). But I don’t doubt that at some point we will drag her into it. She’s certainly not AGAINST going to the Garden, despite her friends suggesting maybe she doesn’t.

Also might be worth mentioning that again this au is based on our RP and QUITE CONTRARY TO CANON Golden Cheese and Burning Spice have NEVER been on truly bad terms. They’ve spent most of their time just awkward around each other but are practically besties now. Never a strictly negative relationship. So Golden Cheese doesn’t have as many problems as she probably would if this were a regular AU based on canon.

I wouldn’t be against writing this AU as an actual fic that’s based more on canon rather than my sister and I’s silly little RP! My only problem would be my severe writers block haha! I have 2 WIPs for CRK fics rn and it’s not looking great!!!!!!!!

Wait maybe if I made it an actual fic I could have the ships go in release order so it still starts with Dark Cacao but we swap GC and PV’s plots starting… hahaha… will have to brainstorm this. If ppl want a real AU ig.

Pure Vanilla goes back in time and dates the Fount of Knowledge while trying not to reveal the fact that he is a time traveler who owns half his soul jam

[theyanderespecialist]

Jason's Villain (Headcanons) Jason Todd X Gender Neutral Villain Reader (DC)

[Hello, My Sexy Muffins! I am here with a new chapter! This one is for Men's Mental Health Month. By the way, Happy Men's Mental Health Month! This one is with Jason Todd, aka Red Hood, because this boy has trauma. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter here, muffins!] 

(Disclaimer: Your mental health is important, and regardless of your gender, you should seek help for your mental health! You are worth it! 

Disclaimer: Jason Todd, aka Red Hood, is Not Yandere in canon! This is just for fun, and not to be taken seriously at all! Simping for fictional characters and yanderes is fine! Just do not be illegal or gross about it! You know who you are! You Dirty, Flaky, Biscuits! Yanderes are not ideal partners to have in real life. Also, remember to separate fiction from reality and headcanon from canon! Thank you, and Happy Men's Mental Health Month!)  

-Yandere Headcanons With Yandere Joson Todd Aka Red Hood X Gender Neutral Villain Reader From The DC Universe- 

.Jason clearly has issues with Villains, from what happened to him with the Joker, and of course, being Red Hood.

.He fell in love with you while fighting you as a villain and antihero. He had taken off your mask and saw how stunning you were. 

.It knocked him off his feet, and he had to know who you were, and so he would use the bat computer to look you up, and once he got your name, that is when he started to get deeper into his yandere obsession. 

.He would get every bit of information off of you, even your juvenile record that was sealed. 

.He learns more about you and who you are! He wanted, no, needed to know everything he could about you! 

.He was obsessed with learning everything about you, not just your history as a Villain but also how you took your coffee or tea, yoru favorite snacks and candy, how you do your laundry, what side of the bed you sleep on, and everything from the moemtn you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. 

.He wants to be able to make your life as easy as possible, as he wants you to give up life as a villain and settle down with him. 

.He is very obsessed with you, and each time he ends up fighting you, he tries and get you to quit being a villain and to be his. 

.He wants to be the person that you need, so you do not have to be a villain; he wants to be the man that you can settle down with and quit being a villain for. 

.He becomes consumed as a man and a yandere to try and become the man that you need, so you can quit being a villain. 

.He is a determined yandere that has his eye on the prize and would do whatever it took to rip the life of being a villain out of your hands. 

.He will get to the point where he cannot make you quit being a villain, then he will find a way to force you to stop being a villain, but more on that in a bit. 

.With rivals, he is ruthless with them, because he is willing to kill some Villains, and that means he is more than willing to kill almost all rivals. 

.If his rivals are villains then they are as good as dead, if his rivals are normal citizens he is just going to scare the piss out of them, but if they cross the line and become a villain then he is going to kill them. 

.He is a no-nonsense yandere, and he will make the rivals that are normal citizens still fear if they get too close to you, and what if they still do not back off....? Well I said he would not kill them, I did not say that he would not break their bones, or beat the crap out of them. Like I said, he is a ruthless yandere. 

.When he finally fully does confess to you, he is telling you how you can leave the life of a villain behind and start a new life where you can be a normal person and his partner. 

.He is putting his heart on his sleeve and all his love for you out there. He is ready to be with you completely. 

.If you accept his love, he will take off his hood and kiss you, ready to start that life with you and have you as his. 

.But if you tell him no, and that you would rather die than give up being a villain, and that you will never love him. This is where he will take those other methods, forcing you to stop being a villain. 

.He is going to shoot you in your kneecaps, easily taking away your ability to run away from the law and, more importantly, him. 

.He will then knock you out and, of course, stop the bleeding. He will then take you to a cabin where you do not know where you are, but you are far away from Gotham City and your goons. 

.He does not stop there, though; he ties you down and blindfolds you, making you dependent on him for everything. 

.He has complete control over everything, and there is no way he is going to let you off easy. 

.He had to break you so you would never want to be a villain again, and that is what he does. 

.He breaks you so you will never want to be a villain again and all that you will want his him, your loving husband. 

.He might have taken a small page from Joker's playbook, not one to damage you fully, but it sure as hell was inspired by what he went through. 

.In the end, he would have done everything to make you his, even blurring the lines of what is right and what is wrong. 

[YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, Another chapter is done! I hope you all enjoyed this, and stay sexy, all of my sexy muffins!] 

[st4rstudent]

people seemed to like the last design so here's another drawing. this time featuring a surprise guest. haha wow whos that guy...

no dialogue ver

[achingly-shy]

AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D SEASON 1 -> SEASON 3

[katboykirby]

The game itself is NOT what is being crowdfunded. The goal of the Kickstarter is NOT "to fund the new game/app"

This has been stated very clearly by the OM Team, and has been re-explained on the official OM accounts multiple times now. The crowdfunding campaign has NEVER been to fund the development of the game itself, the new OM game has already been in development since long before the announcement back in May.

The Kickstarter is purely for bonus rewards, extra content, and celebratory merch. This is very clearly explained on both the official OM accounts and on the Kickstarter page itself. They go into great detail breaking down exactly what the crowdfunding is paying for. Absolutely 0% of it is being used to make the game itself. It's so very easy to just...go onto the Kickstarter page and see it all spelled out for you.

It is a completely separate, independent thing.

As for the expensive Reward Tiers, particularly the newer ones that were added a few days ago - yes, they are very expensive. No, not everyone will be able to afford them. I definitely can't afford them. Neither can any of my friends/mutuals. Does that suck? Sure. I think everybody on earth wishes that they had more money to spend on the things they like.

But the reason those expensive Reward Tiers exist? People were absolutely clamoring for them. It's important to understand that when the Kickstarter first went live, all of the limited-quantity Rewards instantly sold out in less than a minute. The OM Team absolutely obliterated their donation goal and blew right past it in a matter of minutes. And quite literally hundreds of people were already begging them to add more Reward Tiers. Within ten minutes of the initial Kickstarter completely selling out.

They added more Reward Tiers because it is just simply what hundreds of people were begging them for. It's not any more insidious or complicated than that. There's no secret plot to extort players out of their money just for fun. They are quite literally meeting fan demand by giving players exactly what they were asking for.

And again, yes, the newest Rewards are very expensive. That's objectively true. It's a damn shame for anybody who wants them and can't afford them. But the thing to remember is that not only can crowdfunding Rewards very commonly cost several thousand or even tens of thousands of dollars (this is a normal thing that happens often, it's not unusual or unique at all) but OM's Rewards are targeting a very specific and wealthy demographic. If you're unaware, it's a very well-known phenomenon that there are a LOT of exceedingly rich single men and women in places like JP/CN/KR, etc, who regularly spend (the equivalent of) hundreds upon hundreds of thousands of dollars on host clubs/hostess clubs, girlfriend bars, and in more recent years, gacha games. Just look at all the fabulously wealthy single women in CN who are spending obscene amounts of money on Love and Deepspace every single month. This is an entire demographic/audience in and of itself, and those are the people who are going to be buying OM's expensive Reward Tiers.

And in the end, I'm extremely happy that those Tiers exist, and I'm glad that rich fans will buy them. Because that is literally putting more money into supporting the game. They are the ones paying to make sure the dev team meet their stretch goals and add more and more free content into the game. It is OBJECTIVELY making the game better for absolutely every single other player. If you don't spend a single penny on the Kickstarter or on the game at all, you will still be getting 100% of the benefits that the crowdfunders are paying for. It is a complete win-win scenario.

Seen right here:

The next goal they want to meet? Having full, proper voice acting in the main story. THAT'S why those super expensive Reward Tiers exist. The funding costs for that much VA work, especially when it's a huge amount of voicework that wasn't originally planned for, will be incredibly high. It's going to be EXPENSIVE to make that happen. But it's something that literally EVERY SINGLE PLAYER will get to enjoy, completely for free, entirely thanks to the people paying for those high-tier Rewards.

And so will the production of a completely new Image Song. And so will the development of new game content like in-app cameras and photo modes. These all cost a LOT of money - especially when you remember that the OM Team is not getting the same level of funding from NTT Corp that they used to.

THIS is why those Reward Tiers exist. Do I wish I could afford them? Absolutely. Am I mad that they exist? Definitely not.

I have been bitting my tongue because I don't want to be a party popper or anything (not that It matter because this has always been a vent blog to me, not a fandom blog) but since they released new tiers that aré ridiculously expensive on Kickstarter AND we have less than two weeks for the crownfunding to end I can't anymore:

I just don't understand how succesfull this campaign currently Is when we know basically nothing about the game, I was waiting for AX for them to say anything but they decided to expand the tiers Instead of y'know... Promote what the game Is actually about...

Everything about this Is so... Vague... The goal of the Kickstarter Is to fund the new game/app... But we know basically nothing about it

[trans-estinien]

went into the trenches of wow raiding (past lfr) for the first time and. it was bad.

[vaguely-concerned]

I'm grabbing frank spicer by his lapels and staring directly into his sad bloodshot barely focused eyes to go 'frank from the bottom of my tom waits-loving heart your voice is still perfect you just have to you HAVE to you MUST it's IMPERATIVE that you give yourself permission to get weird and potentially unpalatable to conventional tastes with it. I understand you're allergic to vulnerability in all its forms but you could be making the strangest most beautiful music of your LIFE right now if you freed yourself from the shackles of how it will be perceived by others and in comparison to your former self. you died as closing time and you can't live to see yourself become swordfishtrombones because you just keep looping the same breakdown day over and over rather than facing the frightening jump into something unknown and new and real. I'm going to have to shake you violently for a while I'm afraid'. his grand tragedy is that hearing the live version of waltzing mathilda just once would fix him* but he lives in a universe where it doesn't exist. I'm in shambles my head is in my hands.

(I feel wild about the fact that his creative stuckness and part of why his and colt's relationship fell apart comes down to the same thing -- the fact that he cannot for the life of him be actually authentic and vulnerable. I'd have to make a longer post to fully explain myself here but rest assured I am Thinking about it big time all the time)

...do you think frank knows that a completely amnesiac colt still immediately and instinctively kind of vibes with his music. how can I let him know this. everyone in this game is stuck in a layer of hell of their making, created from their own personal flaws and foibles, of course that is the point. but 'stuck in an endless loop of intense creative self-loathing and crisis and, by implication, almost aware of it' strikes a special cord with me I must admit lmao. all that and he went into the loop with what seems like fresh confusing breakup energy?? or did that happen somewhere along the way and it's connected with his almost-remembering (or maybe wilful forgetting)??? no matter what this man is having such a bad time of it and I feel like he deserves some aspects of it at least slightly less than some of the people here he gets the 'not quite as bad as you probably could have been and sorry your borderline tender situationship is repeatedly trying to kill you it seems like of your exes he's not one of the ones where your response would be a game shrug of 'yeah no that's fair'' wonky star from me. I mean he did also commit all those cold blooded murders with and without bae I'm not saying free my man or anything here he's earned his place in hell fair and square. but that particular aspect of it seems slightly unwarranted

*well. for a given value of 'fixed'. artistically at least which I frankly think is what matters most to him lol

[ghostlylexie]

Slight vent art (doodle?) I made for what I feel for basically every art piece I make recently

Nothing looks right and when people try to give me advice it goes in one ear and out the other, and what I'm left with in my head is that I suck and nothing I do can ever be as good as others

[camellia-thea]

initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.

[toxifoxx]

[arolesbianism]

I Really need to properly draw Christopher at some point but everytime I want to I just look at her in game sprite and weep for her truest form has already been achieved. What's even the point. This is her in the flesh.

[simsfeverdream]

I'm kinda taking a break from my main save, so i dont know how much i'm gonna post here during yet another 2 week sims obsession, since this blog was. mostly just dedicated to my weird crossover video game shenanigans. but. hey you never know!

[secondbeatsongs]

Food Crime: Frosty the Slawman

so a while ago, I saw this photo going around on tumblr:

at first, I thought this was photoshopped. I mean, "welcome new man in your life"? that feels like a translation error, or someone being silly on purpose.

but guess what! turns out, Frosty Slaw Man is real!

and soon...he will be mine. let's get cooking

(full disclosure: I crafted this snowman and took notes about it over a year ago. and then, like with many things in my life, I forgot about him, and let him drift into the ADHD void of Things I'm Not Currently Staring At, where object permanence is tentative and largely unrealized.

but here we are! and here he is: the slaw man. it's time to share him with you, so that you can suffer as I have suffered, and/or rejoice in my gelatin creation!)

so this recipe photo originally came from Mid-Century Menu (archive link), a blog that seems like one after my own heart, and which once tried to make the Slaw Man (with not much success; but we'll get back to that)! but it's not just that blog that has copies of this ad. I also found it on reddit, and in a few different places on ebay!

lookit that guy! he's a real guy!

both the reddit post and some of the ebay listings say that this is from 1963 (though I haven't been able to figure out which magazines it was printed in, to confirm this for myself). but in looking this up, I discovered something else fun! there's another version of this ad!

Best Foods is what Hellmann's stuff is called on the west coast, and the "this is no place for second best" thing makes a lot more sense when you consider that the ad was probably made for Best Foods first, and then just reused and rebranded for the east coast

the more you know!

anyway the benefit of finding this alternate ad is that the scan on this image is a lot clearer, and so the recipe is more readable! and in looking at it, I've realized something important:

when Mid-Century Menu tried this recipe, they got an ingredient amount wrong.

when they made their beloved Slaw Man, they had the water amount written down as 1/4 cup, but looking at this scan up close, it is actually 3/4 cup of water! something that might make a significant difference, considering we're working with gelatin!

(there's also another change I want to make compared to what they did, when I do this recipe. but we'll get into that in a sec.)

for now: we begin

so. there's no way I'm making a Slaw Man this large. I am just one person, and considering the ingredients of this, I don't think I'm going to be able to consume that much Slaw.

two entire heads of cabbage? three pounds of cottage cheese, a thing that I don't even like to eat? no. that's a bad idea.

so I'm starting small here and making this 1/3 the size of the original:

2 packets of unflavored gelatin 1/4 cup cold water 1 cup mayo 1 tsp salt 1lb cottage cheese 4 cups shredded cabbage

surely this will result in a reasonable amount of Man

...okay, I started chopping the cabbage thinking it would be easier, but I've given up and pulled out a grater. this is much better! and somehow more violent (affectionate)

the recipe says to soften the gelatin in cold water, and then stir over hot water until it's dissolved. I'm going to assume "stir over hot water" means a double boiler, so let's do that

hmmm, the gelatin is very foamy? it’s melted, but the bottom of the pot feels really....sticky

okay. after a couple minutes more and no change, I’m calling this good enough.

so one thing that others who have attempted this recipe have not taken into consideration is the cottage cheese. you see, the others used normal cottage cheese, but the recipe says to use "cottage cheese, cream style"

I’ll be real, I’m not 100% what that means, since we don’t have that here. but I can take an educated guess! so let’s blend the cottage cheese!

(with an immersion blender. I am not willing to wash an actual blender because of this)

mmm, yes. very smooth

...actually. why isn't all cottage cheese like this? the thing I hate about cottage cheese is the texture, so why isn't it all smooth and creamy like this?? I could eat this!!

a new discovery is made every day in this house.

okay, time to start mixing things together.

ah, frosty. I opened a whole new thing of mayo for you! do you feel special?

(I'd make a "pre-dinner snack?" joke, but sometimes I think I'm the only one that remembers Regular Ordinary Swedish Meal Time)

okay, the mayo, cottage cheese, and salt have been added to the gelatin. but as this cools, the texture is getting...hmm. less than appealing.

lastly: the cabbage

oh. oh this is not very nice

next it says to pack the "salad" into a one pound container, and two six-cup bowls, but since I made this recipe so much smaller, I'm going to uhhhh. uh. find some bowls that seem like they'd be correct...snowman? proportions?

ah. this bowl is too big.

hey, these'll work!

now I just have to let them chill for a while, and continue another day.

(edit from current!me: ahhh oh my god I forgot this was pretty soon after we adopted Jackie! look at these cat pics that I took while I was food crime-ing!

look at them having their little interactions! Knuckles was trying so hard to be friends with her! I love them)

hello! two days later and we are ready to assemble the slawman. and my sibling has started referring to him as "frosty: attorney at slaw", so that's fun.

I've done a thing where, as these set, I flipped them around in the bowl so that hopefully they'd be more round. we'll see if they actually stay like this.

I have also made some decorations for him out of peppers, olives, and carrots!

let's build our boy

oh he's so heavy. and wobbly

no no no he almost fell over!!

okay. he's fine. but more skewers were needed.

and...okay. he is complete.

behold!

gaze upon my beautiful man!

(he is not structurally sound! he wobbles unsteadily as I rotate him! there are already cracks forming in the gelatin around where his arms are! don't worry about it!)

 now it's time to stab him

and...to devour him

this tastes like...a bland coleslaw? and not even that. it's just sort of a salty, cottage cheese-y cabbage. the ingredients don't combine to become something greater, they simply...sit there. like this.

and the texture is...mmm. it's not a jello kind of texture, but it is a bit squashy in a way that's mildly strange.

it's very creamy once it softens in your mouth.

...I don't like this!

and look! taking just that one chunk from him was enough to destabilize him entirely :(

RIP frosty. now I just have to see if I can eat all of you before you go bad.

(note from current!me: I could not.

 I ate maybe half of him over the course of many days, often adding other stuff to him to try to add some flavor: bacon, frozen peas, cheese, etc. but even with that, I just couldn't stomach him.

after a while I stuck what was left of him in the freezer, hoping that maybe I'd find the will to consume the rest of him some other day.

do you know what a frozen-and-then-thawed mixture of cabbage, cottage cheese, mayo, and gelatin looks and tastes like?

bad. the answer is: bad.

I threw him out pretty quickly after thawing him.

do not try this recipe at home)

[official-susie-deltarune]

with that attack done, i have officially done more attacks this year than i did last year, despite having shitty wrists!!!

[ame-to-ame]

anyway i have reached my daily limit of stomach cancer(/hj) jokes i can make to my friends today (1) so I'm gonna complain here instead that i have the worst abdominal pain I've had in weeks and i feel so sick

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.