#I spend... way too much time... internalizing grief

[merakiui]

the symptoms of being human.

jade leech x (gender neutral) reader note - being human comes with its fair share of very specific symptoms. or: jade has lived in saltwater his entire life. never has it leaked out of him before. // HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO MY BIRTHDAY BESTIE @heyyy11!!!!!! 🎉 many wonderful wishes of health, happiness, and good fortune for you!!!! :D it isn't a lot, but please enjoy this little gift i prepared in celebration!!!

But a mermaid has no tears, and therefore she suffers so much more.

A long time ago, a human penned that line in reference to merfolk and their inability to shed tears. A fact as intimate as that couldn’t have possibly been common knowledge amongst humans, or so Jade assumed every time the story was regurgitated at bedtime. He always did that: apply logic to areas where logic wasn’t needed. His teachers used to tell him, “Jade, sometimes you need to suspend your disbelief in order to immerse yourself in a fictional world.” He could try—and try he did—but he’d find himself lingering on that quote every time.

A slight amendment to that: merfolk can cry and they do suffer, but whether they suffer more is impossible to know without further study.

Jade operates under the notion that there are explanations for everything, even the wildest of lunacy. There is comfort in comprehension. He would spend hours holed up in his sleeping nook, poring over stories and texts on humans and beastfolk. He would compare and contrast them. Can a tearless cry indicate the amount of suffering per species, or is such an abstract concept even remotely quantifiable? Perhaps it is because merfolk cry silently that they suffer. Because there is no one who can hear their weeping in the deep sea. Because there is no physical proof.

It’s easier to recognize the physical signs of grief, for what happens within is shrouded in secrecy, veiled in the depths of the heart.

So when Jade comes onto land for the first time, human skin stretched over a skeleton altered with a potion, every inch awkward and aching, the sea leaks out of his pores. He feels like a pufferfish not yet expanded but on the verge of bloating, deflated and weak, salt still spilling. And he knows it’s salt because he swipes two fingers under his armpit and brings them to his mouth to taste. It’s saltwater.

He later learns, while sitting in Professor Crewel’s class and listening to him drone on about anatomy, that this is the phenomenon known as sweating. Jade sweats when he exerts himself, when his body temperature rises degrees over what’s internally comfortable and he needs to cool down, when he ingests something spicy, when he’s sick with a fever, when he’s stressed… It’s a fascinating facet of human biology he was previously unaware of.

Azul called these peculiarities “symptoms of being human,” and what intriguing symptoms they are! He hopes to experience even more as he completes his education on land, regardless of how troublesome they might be.

Having a symptom of something implies the affected is ill in some way—as if humanity itself is an illness and this human body serves as more of a hindrance than help. Jade will forever be an eel merman, and this body is just a clever cloak crafted to make his life on land habitable. Although there are moments where he thinks his original form would suit a certain task. Like swimming or any sport in the water, really. But he likes to struggle and fail, learning from every human mistake.

These symptoms are not terrible. Not to him, at least.

He meets you in the woods. You’re hunched over the ground, patting a compact lump of freshly disturbed soil. A burial, he thinks, but then he’s not certain. When you fashion a little marker out of sticks and ribbons, it occurs to him that he was right.

“Hello to you, too,” you say, turning to glance at him.

There’s something that stills in the air. A feeling catches and tugs at his heart. He can’t explain it—still can’t even to this day—but something trickles out of his eyes then. A droplet of water and then another and then more until silent streams are falling thick. He blinks until his once-blurry vision clears, only to find you’re looking at him fully now.

Jade gathers the wetness on his fingertips and licks curiously. Salt.

Horrifyingly, he’s sweating from his eyes.

He doesn’t panic. A grotesque part of him wants to know what else these eyes are capable of in this body. 

You draw in breath through your lips. A gasp. “Oh! Are you all right?”

He nods because even if his brain doesn’t understand it yet his heart does.

You are the person he’s going to spend the rest of his life with.

This isn’t fiction, and he doesn’t have to pretend to accept it as his temporary reality just to enjoy the story it promises. He knows. His heart—the eel-mer heart—knows. This salt is a symptom of being human, but a symptom of being a mer is that there is the strongest sixth sense for finding one’s other half.

“Are you sure?” you press, rising to your feet, digging through your bag for tissue. “You’re crying!”

He blinks back at you. I’m…crying.

He’s not sweating. He’s crying.

“Forgive me,” he says even though he knows there’s nothing to apologize for. “My eyes must not be working today.”

A sympathetic smile spreads on your face. “Did you come here with anyone?”

He shakes his head and explains rather simply that he’s come on account of club business. “I’m the only member in my club,” he elaborates unnecessarily, “and so I often come here to hike and forage. I suppose I wasn’t expecting to run into anyone on this route.”

“Club? You’re a student?” Before he has a chance to respond, you add, “No way! What school? I’m from Royal Sword.”

“Night Raven.”

“Whoa! That’s so cool. I’ve heard lots about that school. Oh, sorry, I’m totally chatting your ear off. If it’s not an issue, would you like to walk back together? Don’t take this the wrong way. I’m just worried about you.”

The affable conversation was so smooth Jade almost forgot he’s been leaking—crying—the entire time.

“Why would you be worried? I assure you there’s nothing in this forest that could harm me,” he says, holding a hand over his heart.

As if it isn’t the woods that might hurt him but, rather, the person standing in front of him. He has never felt any need to protect his heart, but now he thinks he must. If he’s to offer it to you in the future, he wants to do so when it is perfectly whole and packed full of happiness.

“Um… Well, I just don’t want you to do anything…harmful,” you say, stringing the words together awkwardly. “People care about you. They’d miss you.”

He glances past you at the burial. Just above, a nest of baby birds chirp noisily. He understands now.

“As it happens, I’m currently quite content.”

“You are?”

He tilts his head at you and smiles, teary-eyed and most likely red in the face.

“I am. Very much so. I’ve experienced another human symptom. I couldn’t be any happier.”

You exhale a quiet, semi-amused breath. “I’m glad.” Your hand is held out next. “I’m (Name). It’s nice to meet you.”

His webless, clawless hand closes around yours. “Jade Leech,” he greets.

— — —

“You look good,” Floyd compliments, watching Jade fuss over himself in the mirror. “Shrimpy’ll think so. And Mama. Pops, too.”

“So everyone,” he replies smartly, his hands shaking as he smooths the nonexistent wrinkles in his suit. They reach for the jewelry strung around his neck. He’s wearing his mother’s pearls. Tradition and memory are twined throughout each one. For every hand that holds this chain, a new pearl will be added. It has been in his family for ages. After today, he’ll add his and the necklace will be a pearl longer.

He feels like he needs to pace up and down a mountain. Like he needs to strip this seaweed-esque suit off and jump into the ocean to feel free of constriction. Clothes are always so…unique. That’s the word he chooses to use. Another symptom, he’s certain, because clothes are to humans as colors are to merfolk. Humans attract each other with fashion styles just as mers flash colors and patterns at those they intend to charm.

“Everyone,” Floyd echoes, grinning to ease the tension. “C’mon. You know everything’s gonna be fine.”

Logically, Jade is aware of that. There were rehearsals and lists and triple-checks. Everything is in order. He’s ready. You’re ready. Illogically, he thinks he’s about to shake out of his skin from either excitement or anxiety or a combination of both.

Floyd’s hand comes down upon his shoulder. He relaxes beneath the squeeze. “You got this.”

“I do,” he whispers, turning away from the mirror with a smile.

He waits for you at the altar. A feeling he knows well enough claws at the back of his eyes. It’s been steadily encroaching since this morning, or perhaps it’s always been there ever since he first met you.

When he sees you, his world comes together and everything is warm and wonderful. There are tears on his face, tracking down his cheeks in hot streaks. It’s not embarrassing even though, somewhat flustered, he mouths to his parents that he’s simply sweating from the eyes. A symptom they’ll soon experience in their temporary human bodies.

Out of every human symptom he’s experienced, he thinks this one is his favorite.

You meet him at the front, and beneath an awning of the prettiest flowers you join hands.

“How do you feel?” you murmur, your thumbs running over his palms.

He’s going to say he feels like his world is brighter and wrapped in silk—like he’s looking love right in the face.

Through his tears, he smiles and says, “Like my eyes are working properly today.”

You giggle around a rising sob. Happy tears, he notes, much like the ones sticking to his face. “Weird. Because mine don’t seem to be working today.”

“A shame. You can’t see how beautiful you are.”

“I trust you.”

“I can’t promise mine won’t sweat halfway through the ceremony, but I appreciate your faith in me.”

“It’s fine. Mine are already doing that.”

And it’s everything to him—you, this union, the tears, these messy, complex symptoms of being human. Everything.

Jade thinks he’d like to rewrite that old quote from his childhood.

But a mermaid has no tears and so that may be true in storybook blue, but it is her heart that weeps for everything she has experienced, is experiencing, and will experience; the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.

[mellohirust]

I don't think it's fair to analyze the new ALNST comic without taking into account Mizi's survivor's guilt, the fact she was being objectified and in danger in the presence of that boy, and the fact that ultimately, this is Mizi's view of herself in a world in which she has already lost everything.

The text in blue begins by echoing back to her the words of the boy who has hurt her. It is a manifestation of her guilt, as we will see it spoken by both her vision of Sua and her past self. She has internalized what he has said to her, despite not understanding what she has done wrong (and it should be noted that she hasn't done anything wrong, at least, not in rejecting the boy or lacking romantic interest in the men around her. She is not responsible for their feelings, and given how direct and entitled this boy has behaved towards her, how can you ever expect her to feel anything but uncomfortable? She doesn't even swing back at him, and it would be fair if she had). "Feel like a waste? How cunning, you are," has been used both by the boy and her own guilt regarding Till and the fact she does not return his feelings, something she thinks about as she holds Till, now deceased, in her arms. "What a waste", now that she has failed to save him, and now that he has died still with feelings towards her.

She isn't naive to concepts such as sex or romance, and she is not entirely naive to pain, either. Sua can at least admit to Mizi that she isn't happy spending time with her mother, I doubt she hasn't seen Till banged up and bruised a few times, and she has faced her own experiences with violence and emotional hurt (and she wasn't spared of the "tests" at Anakt more than anyone else was).

I do however still think she was misled about the competition of Alien Stage itself and would not be surprised if she still was never properly taught about death, as Anakt Garden seems to solely teach it through sugarcoated phrases and "brainwashing", according to the art book, as part of the curriculum. It would explain her genuine shock at Sua's demise, the way she goes about her grief, her nightmare sequence in MIZISUA in which Sua idly drifts away without a fight as Mizi bangs on the glass... I do think that was all very real. Mizi is not some cold-hearted monster. She cared about her friends and her lover. Given that she fears her own death as well, particularly in Round 5, I can't see reasons she'd enter Alien Stage had she known what would have awaited her.

That doesn't make Mizi a saint. She is capable of harming others just as anyone else is and capable of mistakes/error. She particularly does so in this very comic, when Sua echoes the boy's words back to her, triggering her and causing her to lash out in a panic. This is something she instantly regrets and seems to blame herself for to this day. It also is not the first time she has hurt others romantically without understanding why. I am particularly reminded of the comic where Sua is upset at her for hanging out with Till, where she once again asks what she's done wrong (though I can't find an ENG translation ATM).

All in all, "playing dumb" seems to refer moreso to how she goes about the feelings of those around her. This comic involves this mystery boy who felt entitled to her, Till, and Sua (though, largely, what she worries Sua would think of her. It is her mind punishing her.) All three of them have now been hurt whether emotionally or physically, and it is what she believes to be her fault somehow. Official art on the YouTube channel also adds Hyuna into the mix, a death she likely feels personally responsible for given that she ran off despite her warnings.

She was not oblivious to their care for her. She knows that Sua loved her, and she loved her so much that she died for her. She knows that Till loved her too, even if for reasons she was bothered by, and she knows that he spent his final moments reaching for her hand. She knows that Hyuna saved her without having to, possibly setting back the mission in the process, and eventually taking the fall soon after Mizi diverged from the plan. She knows it all, and she harbors guilt for having ever meant anything to them. Because it's not like they can help it.

When so many have died around her, devoted themselves to her, all while she still gets to stand unharmed and untouched, how can she feel anything but guilty? How can she not feel that that boy was right? How can she feel as if she has done anything but "play dumb" at the cost of others, even when she never meant to hurt them or for them to be hurt as a consequence of it? How can she feel as if she did not owe them something more?

She cannot help anyone's attraction or draw to her. She has always wanted their friendship and to be on nice terms with others, and she is not in control of their interest in her. But I don't think she knows this, or at least, she cannot accept it as fact. If those around her "can't help" but love her, then who is there left to fault besides herself?

[enwoso]

how do i say goodbye | alessia russo

WARNINGS: upsetting themes, talks of death, overdose, suicide, grief etc. please do not read if any of these make you uncomfortable.

masterlist

read pink skies first before continuing!

"so how you feeling?" alessia asked a slight wince on her face as she asked, she knew it was a sensitive topic. something you always tried to deflect whenever asked but she wasn’t asking about you personally - well maybe she was kind of - but she was more directing it at your injury.

as she flopped onto her bed in the room she’d called home for the past five days while being on international camp. you on the other line, your room dimmed as you lay in your bed the soft hum of your tv playing in the background. the room you hadn’t left in three days.

getting called up to play for you country was a special feeling that never went away each time it happened but playing with your best friend for england, well there was no feeling like it.

so naturally when alessia seen your name also on the team sheet she was ecstatic, however that quickly went away within four hours as it was quickly announced that you’d withdrawn because of a knee injury and would instead spend the international break rehabbing at arsenal.

alessia had, had her suspicions about your knee injury that seemed to of popped up out of nowhere but nevertheless pushed it to the back of her mind and instead just focused on trying to help you get back into the swing of playing football again.

little did alessia know in that moment was that you’d already played your last match together.

“yeah it’s- um its getting there” you nodded, but it coming out as if you were trying to convince yourself that your knee was getting there. alessia humming with her usual bright smile as she gave you some positive notes to help spur your recovery on quicker. the words going over your head quicker than she said them.

alessia spent the next hour telling you everything that had happened that day, like she’d done the past five days. filling you in on every detail from the silly jokes ella had told her that made her laugh, to her telling you about how grace reminded her of a sloth cause of how long she’s hug her for to even the coffee she’d drank this morning with lotte.

you sat listening to her little ramble, the way she couldn’t tell you the jokes ella had told her without a giggle slipping out in between each word and the way she tried to sound so agitated by graces hugs you could see the adoration in her eyes and the way her lip quirked.

some of her words morphing into one as you lay, an empty feeling filled your chest as you laid in your room, the same hoodie on with the same toothpaste stain on it, your hair in the same messy bun from days ago that your hood covered.

“and your still coming to watch tomorrow right?” alessia asked, the match being a late afternoon kick off at wembley as you hummed a small response as alessia’s smile grew just that little bit bigger.

“yeah.. think leah said she had the tickets and all that sorted” you told alessia as she made a little joke about your organisation skills, you not being one for planning more just someone tells you the time and date and you would show up.

“good, well i’ll come by yours after and we can watch man on fire” alessia smiled, knowing a groan was going to come from you about the choice of movie. it being the blondes favourite at the moment meaning you had seen it at least six times already.

“you and that film! i’ll agree only if you bring the jammy dodgers!” you say with a small smug smile, knowing the blonde couldn’t resist and the fact they were your favourite biscuits — alessia couldn’t say no.

“fine! i’ll stop on the way and get them for you!”

YOURNAME🩷 good luck today lessi, go show wembley how much of a star girl you are!

delivered 01:44pm

YOURNAME🩷 and sorry i can’t make it to see you play — just not feeling too good today.

delivered 01:45pm

maybe if alessia had of seen that message the day wouldn’t have progressed the way it did but she’s didn’t see the message. she thought you were sat in the stands with leah, like you’d told the blonde the night before.

instead the game kicked off, the scheduled time of two thirty. alessia in the starting line up even getting herself a goal as she celebrated with the fans and her teammates. pointing to the corner where you were supposed to be sat.

expect you never got to see the goal.

as what alessia didn’t know was that while she was kicking a ball around a pitch in front of ninety thousand people that there were a group of paramedic’s trying to shock some life back into your body.

coming to the end of the game the team was doing there usual lap of honour as alessia spots leah in the corner of her eye with one of the coaching staff which works with england but as the blonde scanned the area for your face you were no where to be found.

“leah? where’s y/n?” alessia asked concern laced her voice. a small flash of confusion took over leah’s face as she paused her conversation with the staff member, “did she not tell you?”

“tell me what exactly..?” alessia trailed off hurrying leah into an answer as she didn’t exactly know what leah was trying to get at.

“that she couldn’t make it, said she didn’t feel too great. i thought you knew already, she told me she had messaged you” leah shrugged before walking off and leaving less stood slightly confused - did leah not ask why you weren’t coming?

“wait- leah…” alessia called out but leah couldn’t hear the blonde. an uneasy feeling took over alessia’s body. something didn’t feel right as the whole stadium seemed to fall silence in her ears as she made her way over to the tunnel. the fans scream for her as well as a couple of her teammates calling out her name but it was no use alessia didn’t hear them.

getting back to her spot in the changing room, she rummaged through her bag for her phone. a sigh leaving her lips when she saw your message but still her mind was still filled with panic.

it wasn’t like you to just message out the blue that you weren’t coming to the match and even if you couldn’t make it you’d watch and live update her through messages.

alessia refreshed her phone thinking maybe your live updates hadn’t come through but no, nothing. just the two messages.

by this point the rest of the team was coming back into the changing room as alessia rushed around trying to get changed and on her way to your apartment. her mind not seeming to be able to rest without knowing if you were okay.

“less you don’t need to be in that much of a hurry we aren’t going out till six!” ella joked as she sat beside the blonde, a little giggle coming from the brunette but soon her smile dropped when she saw her best friends look of panic.

“what’s wrong?” ella asked as alessia sighed, “nothing i just promised y/n i would go and see her”

“right. how's her knee?” ella asked as alessia hummed a small nod, “it’s good- erm i need to go tooney. i’ll call you later yeah” alessia rushed out and before the brunette even had a chance to respond the blonde was out the changing room door.

a few glances to the door from the other girls as they then looked to ella who just shrugged, not knowing the answer to their questions that their faces were asking without even saying a word.

three knocks of the door was all it took before the door slowly opened, a face appearing which was definitely not who alessia thought would be answering the door.

“oh- alessia?” your mum slight surprise in her voice, clearing not expecting the blonde to be stood at the door. alessia stood her hands filled with all your favourite things that you like when your not feeling too good as well as your beloved jammy dodgers.

“hey mrs y/l/n, is um y/n in- i told her i was coming by after my game..” alessia trailed off, noticing the slight change in your mums face. a sadder look appearing as your mum looked towards the floor.

“i’m sorry alessia, i think it’s best you come inside” your mum took a deep breath in as she moved deeper into your apartment, alessia clicking the front door shut with her foot.

there being a strange feeling in the air as she walked down the small hallway, it being littered with small reminiscences of you. your shoes that you would always leave by the door, alessia forever tripping over them any time she came over.

the place felt eerie as alessia followed your mum deeper into your apartment. alessia had a strange feeling in her stomach, the same stomach dropping feeling when you get caught breaking your mums case a child.

expect this was worse.

a vase could be glued back together. a life, not so much.

“take a seat love” your mum pointed to the couch as she sat on the one opposite alessia as she sunk into the soft couch.

your mum taking a few deep breaths still looking at the floor before looking up towards alessia, tears building in her eyes. alessia’s head was spinning, something had happened. but what, well she was probably wishing the day never happened.

“um there’s no way to really say this but- um y/n, she’s-” your mums voice was shaky as she spoke, alessia on edge as her knee bounced up and down awaiting the next words.

“is she okay?” alessia asked it coming out as a whisper as her bottom lip began to wobble, fear taking over her body. watching as your mum shook her head no.

“i’m so sorry less.. but she’s gone”

the words fell on deaf ears as alessia almost didn’t hear what your mum had said it seemingly not wanting to go into her head but once it did her body crumbled like a brick wall. as her tears fell, your mum getting up immediately and wrapping the young girl in a hug.

“no, no- she, no” alessia choked out over her tear as your mum tried her best to soothe alessia as they both cried in each others arms. "she's at peace now sweetheart" your mum whispered into alessia's hair as she soothed the blonde as she sobbed.

the pair stayed in each others arms both choked up with tears, as once grieved the lost of their daughter, their own blood while the other grieved the loss of their best friend, a sister maybe not by blood but sisters by hearts.

alessia was the first to move as she looked to your mum with puffy red eyes, your mums face mirroring the same puffy eyes. "how'd- she. just how?" alessia managed to get out, part of her didn't want to know how or what you suffered but the other part would put her head to rest knowing you were not longer in pain.

"she- overdosed, they tried - they really did try to save her but she was already gone" your mum explained as a shiver went down alessia's spine as an image appeared in her brain as she shook her head trying to rid of it.

"i should have realised- with the injury she supposedly had- i-" alessia rushed out as she brought her hands up to cover her face, a pout forming on your mums face.

"alessia its not your fault, you weren't to know, y/n wouldn’t have blamed you." your mum comforted the blonde englufing her in a hug, "she's no longer in pain anymore"

the two of them stayed like that for a few moments later until alessia calmed down a little, your mum offering to make her something warm to drink. the afternoon had been a lot of the blonde to have to come to terms with.

your mum had walked off to make alessia a cup of tea, the blondes eyes wet as her bottom lip jutted out as she wondered her way towards the bathroom, stopping slightly as she reached your bedroom door.

her fingers lingered on the door handle as hesitation filled her body wondering if she should actually cross the threshold. a small movement and her foot was across the carpet as she made her way deeper into your room. her eyes filling up with tears once again, it smelled just like you.

alessia's hand dragged across the bedding which was made neatly, the room was spotless which for you was a rare thing. the softness of the blanket as alessia gripped it, as her legs seem to get weaker and a single tear slid down her cheek as her body slipped down the side of your bed. she stayed in your room, not wanting to move from the comfort of what was once your space.

alessia couldn’t tell you how long she stayed slouched down the side of your bed, in your room. maybe it had been ten minutes, three hours or maybe even a week.

she’d sat and cried with your mum and then she came and sat in your room, where many of days and nights had been spent. alessia’s eyes felt heavy, they were dry and puffy and most definitely red.

as she sat taking in the memories as she stared at the wall where small little photos scattered across the wall, as sense of emptiness filled the room. replacing the usual warmth she would get each time she entered. boxes already filled the room with your things packed in like you had never even existed.

alessia sat her legs outstretched, her fingers toying with the edges of two letters one had just been folded over, the other had been placed in an envelope. alessia’s name written in the nearest of handwriting, a little heart as the dot on the letter i in her name.

she’d read the one that had just been folded over, it being a short goodbye letter. one you probably scribbled in less than twenty minutes but it did reference the other neater letter having the answers that alessia would probably want to the questions that circled in her head.

like why. why’d you leave so soon. why didn’t you tell alessia you’d been struggling for so long. just why.

but she couldn’t bring it in herself to even open the other one, she didn’t think her heart could handle it reading it right now.

“oh less, i’m so sorry” alessia’s head slowly turned to the soft coo of the voice, it was her mum. a sad smile across her face as carol came closer. alessia not making any attempt to move, she couldn’t.

alessia’s mum wrapping her in a tight hug as the walls crashed down again, “she’s gone mum, what am i supposed to do without her..” alessia choked out through tears and sniffles as carol shushed her trying to calm her daughter down.

“let’s get you home, yeah?” carol asked as she pulled away from the hug, alessia still filled with tears as she nodded. small hiccups coming from her as she tried her best to pull herself up from your bedroom floor.

the envelope still held tightly in her hand, as she took on last look around your room. knowing it would probably be the last time she’d ever step foot in there.

a heavy sigh coming from alessia as she looked towards the small teddy that was laid in your neatly made bed, a little bunny that you couldn’t sleep without. every away day, every tournament that small bunny would come with.

alessia took a step towards the little bunny teddy, a little hesitant at first but then slowly reached out to it picking it up and lifting it up to her face. the soft fur as it sunk into her skin, it still smelling just like you. it feeling like you were stood right in front of alessia and boy how much she wished you were and that this wasn’t the reality she was facing now.

but unfortunately it was.

the drive home was long even though it was only a fifteen minute drive, the rain tapped against the glass as carol tried her best to converse with her daughter but alessia was having non of it just the occasional hum as her head leant against the cold glass.

alessia felt empty. she'd cried enough tears to fill a bathtub twice over and now she just felt numb. her eyes were sore, red as well as puffy. she'd lost a part of her.

when alessia finally got home she changed into different clothes feeling a little lighter but her whole body soon felt heavy again as she sat on her couch, your small bunny stuffy in her hand as she looked at the photo of the two of you from the euros final that held pride of place on the blondes tv cabinet as the blonde picked at the food her mum had made for her.

“are you sure your going to be okay on your own less? i can-“ carol asked as she stood leaning against the kitchen island, having sorted out alessia some dinner making sure the blonde actually had a hot meal in her especially after todays events.

“yes! i’ll be fine mum, i just- just need some time. i’ll message if i need anything” alessia’s tone coming across as snappy at first but once she realised she mumbled a small sorry before her tone got softer again. carol opening her mouth to say something but alessia quickly shut her down. “i promise mum, i will”

with that carol nodded, making the blonde a hot drink before leaving, kissing alessia on her head as alessia watched her mum walk out of her front door, waiting the door to click shut.

as soon as it did, she scrambled around placing the hot drink on the coffee table as she found her phone. her eyes glossy as she tapped away at the screen looking for a certain contact, a voice she needed right now.

“hello?- less?.. less?” ella paused, a hint of confusion as to why alessia hadn’t said anything.

“ella-“ alessia voice was shaky and she knew if she said more than two words she’d crumble again.

“less what’s up? how’s y/n, how’s her knee?” ella rattled out as the background noise got quieter, alessia wincing slightly at the sound of your name as she let out a few sniffles — it obvious to ella that something was up with her best friend.

“less, what’s happened? are you okay?” ella spoke fast as she was trying to get answers to her questions. the panic in her voice was evident.

“its y/n- she’s- she’s um” alessia tried to get out fast as she sobbed but she couldn’t bring herself to actually say the word as it hadn’t even processed in the blondes head that you were actually gone.

“woah- slow down less, you not makin’ any sense!” ella tried her best to calm alessia down, telling her to take deep breaths on the other side of the line, as her mind raced with what the end of the sentence was going to be.

“y/n- she’s gone.”

“what do you mean she’s gone? gone where?” ella asked her mind freezing as it hadn’t clicked what alessia meant as in reality that was the last thing she expected her best friend to even mean never mind actually say.

“she’s dead, ella.”

alessia

liked by leahwilliamson and 1,092,635 others

alessia today has truly been one of the hardest moments of my life - stepping back onto the pitch and not seeing you there. not being there to walk out onto the pitch with. not being able to watch you eat your jammy dodgers on the coach there.

y/n, you were one of the truest friends i ever had.

when you lose a true friend, the hardest part isn't the big moments, it's the small ones - the ones you take for granted. it's the everyday things which were boring but they made so fun, and so meaningful.

we were european champions together, we travelled to the other side of the world and made it to a world cup final, we played together for the same club. we did so many cool things. but you know what i miss most?

is just seeing you everyday, sitting for hours drinking coffee, your passion, your energy each day even when maybe i wasn’t in the best of moods — you knew how to brighten my day.

you touched so many lives in just 24 years. you wanted to change the world more than anyone i've ever known. you wanted football to be for everyone. this is very close to my heart and everyone who knew y/n personally. i'll be honest it's taken me a while to actually type this, it's still very raw for me.

with y/n y/ln in your life you were never alone. she was always there for others, she always found a way. she was always the one cheering the loudest for others. if you could bottle her energy, the world would be a much better place.

but with a little help her spirit, her warmth, and her legacy will live on. we will make sure of that.

i'll miss you forever. keep painting the skies pink my friend. i love you.

with love, your alessia<3

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[whispersleo]

Sorry, Your Honor, ‘But Have You Seen Her Lore?’ Is A Valid Defense

My friend just sent me the speedpaint. I want a freaking iPad now uuugggghhh, it was sooo fun to use, I hate my life. Anyway, here ya go. I always redraw the nose like a million times in every drawing LOLOLOL I can never get it right on the first try! I think it turned out pretty decent for drawing her from memory. Whatever, this is the only thing I got done after a whole day at uni, my classes were useless af.

But can we talk more about Caterina Dellamorte?

I want to devour this woman’s mind in the same way I long to consume Illario’s. To reach 70 years like a crow—and worse yet, to bear the title of First Talon—is profoundly awe-inspiring, even terrifying. Rook is singular because I would’ve soiled myself merely sharing a room with her. I crave to know who this formidable woman was before she lost her FIVE children and SIX grandchildren.

Do you think the scent of flowers lost all meaning for her after so many funerals? How much grief can a mother endure before her heart grows numb to it? It’s horrific, it’s tragic—and yet she stands there, unbroken. I can do nothing but revere her.

I want to believe she was as passionate as her grandchildren, as bleeding-hearted as Lucanis, as fiercely alive as any of them before everything was torn from her—because that makes it all the more agonizing. Amidst this endless mourning, which surely lost all meaning somewhere in the recesses of her mind, did she cling to faith as a woman of devotion? Or did it, in the end, estrange her? Is that why Illario and Lucanis are such "bad" believers? Did such suffering draw her closer to the Maker’s teachings, or force her to recoil?

I am convinced she was hardened to the point where only one purpose remained: to ensure the survival of her grandchildren, her last living kin. And she succeeded, by the way! Yes, child abuse is wrong (says the victim, lol), but I can’t bring myself to judge this woman by her circumstances. She did what she believed necessary, and in the end, they both survived—in one way or another. She forged two master assassins who serve the world better alive than dead.

So why, Caterina? Why tear apart the last family you had left in this world? Instead of teaching unity, instead of bequeathing your more-than-capable grandchildren the title as something shared—why make them doubt each other? Is your favoritism deliberate, or just another of your fatal miscalculations?

I have my own headcanons, of course—that Illario resembles his mother too much, and his mother, in turn, bore the face of the man Caterina once loved so fiercely she built a family with him. But this is just me trying to force logic into the void.

Why craft a perfect team, a fusion of a master assassin’s finest talents split between your two grandchildren, only to turn it into a battle for supremacy? Was it this same blindness that led to the slaughter of nearly your entire bloodline? Or is this the scar tissue of too much grief, calcified into cruelty?

I could spend entire lifetimes turning this woman over in my mind and still never voice every thought I truly harbor about her. I can’t help but press the weight of my own traumas into these musings—yet I also believe that’s precisely what draws me to her with such violent force. She’s fascinating. She’s excruciating. I adore Caterina Dellamorte, and let NONE of my fanfics convince you otherwise!

And please, for the love of god, never take Lucanis or Illario’s internal monologues as gospel in my storytelling. This character is devastatingly intricate. Profoundly layered. A tragedy unto herself.

[raayllum]

Ezran spends basically every episode that features his perspective in 3/4 seasons of arc 2 doing one of three things:

Feeling responsible for his kingdom

Believing in the innate goodness of others

Trying to fix things and be a support for other people

I think points two and three are occasionally overlooked for a few reasons. The first is that Ezran has a mini arc in 4x01—4x03 (with the first two and possibly three being commonly regarded as weaker episodes) that do the heavy lifting work of establishing Ezran's post-timeskip characterization vs who he was at the beginning or ending of season 3. When we look at Ezran in 4x01 and 4x02, he's largely the same as he was post-3x02: he wants to create change, he believes that he can, and while balancing being king and being himself, he's walking the line fairly well. We see this in how jovial his initial council meeting is in 4x01: brightly lit, not too serious, Bait has a seat, jelly tarts, and the hopeful air; Zubeia's visit will change how people see dragons.

Then it doesn't. Ezran ignored Opeli's reservations (4x01, 4x03) and of others she presented anonymously. He thought they could just move past things, and he was wrong. But instead of responding with anger or force the way Soren does, Ezran switches gears, and we get his infamous speech that shows how he's changing since S3 ("if I just give people opportunities to do the right thing, they will") in comparison to S4: If I just acknowledge their feelings, they'll do the right thing, because everyone is inherently good and wants good things.

I had a speech planned for today. It was about peace and love and hope. But I think I left something out. I ignored something that was true. I denied something that is undeniable. We are angry! I am angry. I have been hurt. My Dad was killed when I was nine years old. My Mom was taken from me before I could even remember her. It hurts! I feel pain about this and I am angry! We all want peace and we all want love. [...] It’s not that easy or simple. Because people are still hurting and they are still angry. We can’t ignore that, or pretend it will go away. Somehow, we have to hold it all in our hearts at the same time. We have to acknowledge the weight of the pain and loss, but open up our eyes and allow ourselves to hope and maybe forgive and love again. We have to give today’s children a chance to inherit a future filled with peace. 

And it is a beautiful speech, but it is a very simple, well-meaning one at the same time. Not everyone, deep down, wants peace or thinks of it in the same way as you do ("You want to hate. You want to hurt someone else"); not everyone cares about their children's future (for both of these, Karim, I'm looking at you). But Ezran's initial transformation here is rewarded and reaffirmed by Zubeia.

So this is the mindset that Ezran carries on throughout arc 2, and in many ways he treats everyone the way he's treated Zubeia, someone who inflicted harm on him but did have her heart changed (circa 3x09) and who, upon having her genuine pain/grief acknowledged rather than swept under the rug (4x03), has been able to heal. Him seeing goodness in others, and working with them, has yielded results.

Therefore, at this point, Ezran believes wholeheartedly in the innate goodness of others.

People might inflict harm, but they have a good reason; they've been in pain. If I can just get through to Rex Igneous ("that's what you haven't had in forever, a surprise"), if I just explain to Akiyu and Finnegrin the stakes of what's going on, if I can barter with Karim and talk him down ("Then it's not too late, you can still choose love") then they'll see they don't have to do bad things anymore. They'll let go of their hate and choose love, just like how the crowd seemingly did in 4x03 after Ezran empathized with them through his own experiences.

And this ties into how much internalized responsibility Ezran takes on and his choices in arc 2, particularly in S4.

He spends all of 4x01 trying to give Callum a good birthday ("why aren't you celebrating?") but it doesn't work, because his brother is still in pain. He spends all of 4x03 trying to encourage good relations with Zubeia, but it doesn't work out either because people are still hurt/angry. He tries to get his brother to open up in 4x05 but is wrong, at first, about what Callum needs to open up about. He works to bring the group together in 4x06 when they're in shambles ("don't you remember who you are?") and this is his biggest success in the season thus far. He spends all of 4x08 & a chunk of 4x09 trying to reason and get through to Rex Igneous, only for it to end with him being slammed into a wall. He gets an actual dragon diplomatic success in early S5, but greatly misjudges Finnegrin; he makes a number of calls (keep the prison here, don't look for Zubeia) in 6x01 that he quickly realizes he has to go back on. In 6x07 he tries to reason with Karim, and it doesn't pan out. He fails, over and over again.

Katolis being burned down is just the last straw; it, and Ezran's efforts and failures in achieving peace, are stress points that have been building for seasons at this point.

So finally his worldview — that everyone has goodness inside them, that everyone wants peace ("You want Janai to attack!"), that everyone has good reasons for the harm they inflict — snaps.

This is before, I might add, the final vestiges of his True Heart leave him. He takes Aanya's advice of pursuing defences — pursuing weaponry ("We have to be strong enough") — before his brother's betrayal. He seeks to destroy Sol Regem and jails Runaan, who surrenders, before it, too. Part of this is because the first blow happened a long time ago. Runaan even confirms this indirectly himself, citing Ezran's eyes ("But the moment I saw your eyes" / "we each have innocent eyes to experience the world’s beauty in a simple way"): Ezran's eyes, his heart, have already been fundamentally altered, and he knows it.

EZRAN: Everything changed the day you came! You killed my father!

EZRAN: When you grow up, there are changes you don't expect, and you have to face things you're not ready for. Callum told me that. [...] But I can't run away from growing up. Now that I'm king, I have to go home.

Throughout arc 2, he's struggled more and more to retain what is left of his true heart. And this all culminates in Ezran deciding that maybe his own goodness isn't innate either. His loss of innocence — that people have good reasons for doing terrible things, that there are certain things they wouldn't do ("You're lying! Callum would never do [dark magic again]!") — mirrors Terry's crisis of faith (and his own actions) for a reason.

Ezran starts spiralling out. He feels like he's completely failed his kingdom after episodes of emphasis on just how much he cares about Katolis (4x04, 5x02, 6x01, 6x05). He no longer believes in others. He always had spades of self doubt, but we see him reach a pretty severe rock bottom out of desperation and despair because he can't even help take care of the people he loves anymore, either. All of his prior goals have crumbled around him. He's not a king ("king of what? King of ashes?"), he's not a friend, he's not a brother.

Alongside the loss of his true heart, he's not a child: "But only if you can move past your childish hesitation..." "I have never been one to hesitate" as he takes up the Nova Blade and intends to use it for — as far as he knows — permanent murder by his own direct hand.

Because the loss of your True Heart, for Ezran, is not so much about the world itself as it is the people in the world, and yourself by extension.

It upends your belief in your own moral certainty as well. Would you do something terrible for a 'good reason', and are you sure that you have one?

We are forced to make choices, compromises, sacrifices. And they change us forever.

When Ezran meets Aaravos, he's already decided that he's guilty and someone to judge; he decides that he has to kill him. That his "precision violence was preferable, necessary even, to prevent far greater bloodshed". But, of course, it isn't, not necessarily because Aaravos isn't terrible and dangerous... but because after seasons of sacrificing and compromising and making choices right alongside his friends, the Archdragons make one instead.

Just as Terry helps reaffirm to Ezran that people still care and can still change, the Archdragons help build him a more solid foundation. Not everyone wants peace and love and forgiveness. Not everybody can. Forgiveness and goodness are not automatically inherent in adulthood, but that doesn't mean they can't exist. That doesn't mean you stop trying.

It just means that you try despite it. They are not dreams. They're choices. Sacrifices. Compromises. They change us forever, and they're worth it.

[angelsdean]

Another thing I love abt Dean fixing up Baby (and trashing again) is that the episode establishes that Dean's pretty much fixed up what was, in Bobby's words, a completely totaled and barely salvageable better-off-as-parts wreck in just ONE WEEK. They burn John's body, presumably right after his death, and then it's suddenly ONE WEEK LATER and Dean's pretty much got the entire frame looking new and is working on the internal stuff (which HELLO METAPHOR. the exterior of the Impala is looking good = Dean putting on a good front of being okay, while the interior of the Impala still needs work = Dean still (quietly) working through his own internal emotions)

Anyways the amount of work done on the car itself in such a short span of time is incredible (also gotta think some of that time was spent driving from where john died to Bobby's). And all that time Dean's working on the car he's alone with his thoughts. He's processing. Sam accuses Dean in this opening scene of "not doing anything" and not "bringing up dad once" and not being "angry" enough and not wanting to look for "revenge." He says Dean just spends all day "buried underneath this damn car" and acting like "nothing happened" but he doesn't seem to understand that working on a car and getting as much as he got done in just a week is 1.) being incredibly productive, and 2.) a deeply meditative task. Like just because Dean is not going to Sam with his grief and not outwardly expressing his feelings or showing himself actively working through them doesn't mean he's Not processing and dealing with things the entire time he's working on that car. The wreckage itself is a constant reminder of everything that happened, the crash, the hospital, John's deal. Dean IS thinking about it all, the entire time. But he's not grieving in the way Sam expects and that bothers Sam, so Sam feels the need to push and needle Dean into talking about it, which isn't Dean's style of processing things. He needs time and space.

And then at the end of the episode, after Sam admits that yeah, Dean was right about him, Sam is feeling guilty and avoiding his own grief, but Dean's been putting up a front about it too, it's then that we see Dean break, again with the Impala metaphor. Dean's been trying to put on a brave face for Sam in some ways, while also wishing to quietly process his grief on his own, because in part he's still being the protector older brother. He's still thinking take care of Sammy first and foremost, especially in the aftermath of John's parting words to Dean. But in that last scene we finally see the facade break, we see the fixed up exterior of the Impala break. We see Dean take a crowbar to the "I'm okay" facade and say, look! I am grieving! I am hurting! Here's me making visible what's been going on inside! Just like the guts of the Impala are still a mess, the interior still in the process of being repaired, while the exterior looked brand new, well now the exterior once again matches the car's internal state, and Dean's internal state.

Him and Baby are not okay yet, but they're getting there, they're working on it. And just like healing is a non-linear process, Dean (and Baby) looked okay for a while, now they're not okay, but Dean'll fix 'em up again.

[psychickiss]

i’m not too late

— saiki kusuo x reader (gn, 2nd pov)

— summary: You come over to Saiki’s house to give him a (kind of last minute) birthday gift, which ends with you two hanging out in his room.

— notes: nottt beta read also!! maybe ooc kusuo 😵 also also! dt @kusuokisser

— things: confessions... blah blah... romantic!! quite awkward

— masterlist | request form | retrospring

Saiki’s mom calls out to her son, “Ku! Check who’s at the door for me, please?”

Saiki nods. He’s already heard the inner voice of whoever rung the doorbell to his home– he knows it’s you, and he knows why you’re there.

“Belated happy birthday, Saiki! Sorry I’m late, I didn’t know your birthday at first.”

Now, he needs a way out.

First, he accepts your gift. Maybe you’ll leave after he takes it. Of course, Saiki can’t just rudely shut the door on you– he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings get scolded by his mom. So, he engages in small talk. “It’s alright. You got the month right, at least. The only ones who greeted me correctly are Mera, Aiura and– to my surprise– Toritsuka.”

Confused, you ask, “And who... got the month wrong?”

“Everyone else. We partied in May. Is that all?”

Saiki tunes in to your thoughts, and he’s hopeful he’ll spend the rest of the day alone. Yes? No? I wanted to hang out, but maybe not? He clings onto that “maybe not” of yours.

Like any other person, you get curious. You ask him again, “No...? May? You guys partied in May?”

“It’s a long story,” he says. He’s hearing your (still) inquisitive thoughts. Saiki internally sighs. I need to get this over with, quick. There’s a show I want to watch that airs at 4:30 PM. It’s only 1 PM, but time is fast. He steps to the side, allowing you to walk past the gate. He doesn’t know why he’s letting you in. Saiki takes off his footwear before entering his house, and you do the same.

Saiki announces his presence to his mom, as well as yours. “Oh, dear! Are you here to celebrate Ku’s birthday? Have you eaten lunch already?”

You nod in response to both questions from Saiki’s mom. “Well, I’m not too sure about the celebration part... I figured I’d just give Saiki his gift, then leave–”

Saiki’s mom shakes her head. “No, stay! You obviously made the effort to come all the way here. Stay as long as you’d like.”

Good grief. Saiki forgot to take his mother’s friendly nature into account...

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

... As well as your politeness. Not to mention, the fact you’ve been looking for opportunities to be alone with him.

So, you and Saiki head up to his room.

You two aren’t the closest of friends. Sure, you’d go straight for him when you needed a partner for school and you two would sometimes walk home together, but you aren’t as close to him as Nendou and the others.

That doesn’t stop you from having feelings for Saiki, though. What started as a silly crush to help you pass the time in class developed into full-on fantasies of going on dates with him.

Usually, Saiki wouldn’t mind such things when it came to people like you– people who don’t act on their feelings– because that means he wouldn’t need to actively avoid you, but you confused him.

Saiki sometimes wanted nothing more than to ask you about your feelings for him, but that just felt uncharacteristic for him to do.

He wants you to act on your feelings– tell him how you feel. For what reason? He cannot put a pin on it. Not yet.

Saiki opens the door to his room, letting you enter first.

You sit on the foot of his bed and ask, “Did you have fun?”

Saiki sits on the chair in his room, which isn’t too far from you, before answering. “I don’t really celebrate my birthday in the way others would, but I splurged and bought lots of coffee jelly. My mother baked cake too.”

You give him a small smile. “So, is that a yes?”

Saiki nods.

Saiki didn’t really have much of a plan or intention to kick you out of his house. You didn’t talk his ear off as often as his other friends, so he figures you two can sit in his room alone in silence. He doesn’t hear you mentally complain, anyway. Most of your thoughts at that moment were in regards to the way his room looked.

Most of your thoughts.

I should ask about the show that’s going to air later this noon. Oh. My god. I can’t believe I’m alone with the guy I like, it’s the perfect time to confess!

Saiki hears your thoughts, yet he does not do anything about the confession part. He and you both know you’ve thought of confessing your feelings multiple times but chickened out everytime.

Hm. Saiki wonders if this time, you get the courage and finally tell him. He knows what he’ll say.

Your eyes dart nervously to Saiki, then at the TV right next to his bed, where you’re seated.

“Have you... Do you know about the show that’s airing later? 4:30?”

Saiki nods.

“Would you want to watch it together?” You take a deep breath after asking. Fortunately, he nods.

“Would you like something to drink? Or eat?” Saiki asks. If you’re staying, he might as well be a good host.

“Ah, just water. Maybe, uhm, coffee jelly– if you’re going to get some of your own.”

Saiki nods and he exits his room, leaving you alone.

You eye the gift you handed to Saiki. You had only gotten him a cardigan, unsure of any specific tastes of his, although the design was quite... un-Saiki; it wasn’t plain, but it wasn’t too much design. It just didn’t look like something he’d wear often, though you figured he could probably try out new things.

You just hope he likes it. To be safe, you had bought him a gift card to the store you got his gift from.

Saiki opens the door with a tray in his hands. Two cups of coffee jelly and one glass of water.

You make yourself comfortable on the floor of his room, Saiki sitting across from you and setting the tray down.

You take a sip of water before muttering, “Thank you.” Saiki gives a small nod before silently eating his coffee jelly.

He doesn’t really like being talked to while he’s eating, you think. You’re left to just look at Saiki with that expression he’s always wearing when he’s eating anything sweet. It’s cute.

You’re opting to confess, Saiki feels it. As unromantic as the scene seemed to be– two friends sitting on the floor without talking– he figures if he should be confessed to, it’d have to be nothing grand.

Plus, he knows what he’ll reply, anyway. He’s prepared his response since the first time you backed out of confessing to him.

You grab a plastic spoon and open your cup of coffee jelly. Before you take a bite of the sweet treat, you finally say the words.

“I like you.”

I know. I’m still chewing, hang on.

You quickly eat a spoonful of coffee jelly before Saiki could even respond. Say something, please?

You anxiously eat your coffee jelly, waiting for Saiki to finish eating his.

...

Finally, finally, Saiki replies.

“I don’t really know yet, but I might like you too.”

You feel as though a wave of relief washes over you. At least it’s not a rejection. Oh my god. “Really?”

Saiki nods. He doesn’t say anything else, and in shock, neither do you.

“Don’t ask me how I know this–”

Mentally, you interject, I probably won’t, but continue.

“–but I know you’ve liked me for a while now.”

You sigh in frustration. “I thought I was hiding it well...”

I can’t help that I have telepathy. Saiki discards that thought, instead saying, “No, you were pretty obvious.”

You laugh quietly. “God, I’m sorry! Glad that you might like me back. At least that being obvious wasn’t in vain.” You smile at Saiki. “Belated happy birthday, again. Next year, I’ll be sure to greet you on time.”

Saiki lets out an amused hum. “We’ll see.”

[etherial-moon-blog]

Hush Now

Pairings:Adult! Lo’ak x Navi!Adult!Reader

Word count: 22k

Na’vi dictionary: TanhÌ -star, bioluminescent freckle TÌyawn- love Mawey- calm

Warnings: Blood and blood loss, traumatic birth, grief, angst with comfort, mentions of character death

banner by: @/cafekitsune

Pain is all you feel as you collide with a tree for the third time. Your body was screaming out for you to stop, to slow down and take a break, but you couldn’t. Pushing yourself off the tree, you don't make it far before an agonizing pain shoots through your belly, bringing you to your knees. Your hands fly to your belly to soothe the pain. Panting, you lean your back against the tree, the pain becoming too much to bear.

“No, no, no, please little one. Not now.” Your whimpering voice was laced with fear as you sat against the tree. With one hand cradling your stomach, you trailed the other one between your legs, only for it to come back covered with blood. Your whimpers were cut short as you heard your neck radio crackle to life.

“Tanhi! Where are you? Are you okay?” You instantly recognized the voice of your mate. Despite the situation, relief washed over you as you reached your hand up to talk to him, only for you to let out a strangled noise of pain just as your hand touched the button for the mic.

“(Y/n)!” His voice became panicky upon hearing your pained noises. “I-I’m here tÌyawn, I’m alright. The baby is alright. I think the baby just didn’t like me running.”

“Please get somewhere safe and then radio me. Dad, Neteyam, Kiri, and I aren't far from where you last were, just please be careful.”

“I will. I think they’re-” You were cut off as something slammed into you, sending you sprawling onto your back. The knife you were clutching was knocked from your hand, landing just out of reach. You barely had time to react before the viperwolf lunges for you, its attack thwarted by you pressing your arm against its neck. The viperwolf gnawed and thrashed against your hold, its claws finding purchase in the flesh of your arms and thighs, leaving deep gashes in its wake.

Throwing your other arm behind you, you blindly search for your knife. The viperwolf’s teeth were getting dangerously close to your face with every lunge, and you could feel your grip weakening as its claws dug their way further into your legs and arms. Just as you thought you’d be overwhelmed, your fingers finally grip the handle of your knife. Before you even had time to think, you were already bringing your knife into the viperwolf.

Srrk, srrk, srrk. Over and over, you bring your knife down into its neck, body, head, hell, anywhere you can until it stops moving and your hands and chest are covered in its blood. It collapses against you, the weight of its body pressing uncomfortably against your belly. With a grunt, you manage to push it off and begin to cradle your bump as you drag yourself towards the nearest tree and prop yourself against it to catch your breath.

Unfortunately for you, your bad luck streak continues as you hear the telltale howls of viperwolves in the distance. ‘Fuck’ You say internally as you push yourself off the tree you were leaning on for support and begin to run again.

~Earlier that day~

You awoke to the warm morning sun on your face, and Lo’ak’s arms wrapped firmly above your swollen middle. Quickly checking to see if he was still awake, you gently tried to dislodge his hands to no avail.

He readjusted his hold on you, pulling your body flush to his before speaking in a smooth voice. “What are you doing tiyawn?”

“How long have you been awake Lo?” You asked as you sank back into the warmth of his embrace.

“A little before sunrise. I just wanted to admire my beautiful mate for a while.” He shifted slightly before you felt his lips pressing against your neck. He trailed kisses up to the shell of your ear before speaking again.

“The baby was also moving a lot before you woke up, and I wanted to spend time with my girls before I went on this hunt.” You scoffed good-naturedly at his words. Lo’ak had been convinced since the day you confirmed your pregnancy that the baby you were carrying was a girl. You and the rest of the family all thought your first child had to be a boy. Tuk would jokingly say you were having both a boy and a girl because your belly was so big, which slightly scared you at the thought of having two babies at once.

“Well, you need to get up and eat before going hunting today Lo’, you know how cranky you get when you don’t eat.” You attempted again to pry his hands away from your belly. Succeeding, you slowly sit up and look at the man beside you.

“Alright yawne,” He says as he sits up, stopping to give both you and your belly a kiss as he does. “Let's go see what they have for breakfast.”

After peppering both your face and your belly with kisses, Lo’ak left with the hunting party. You began what had been your daily routine for the last few months. You helped Kiri and Moat make medicines, helped Neytiri sharpen arrows, and you even snuck in time for a walk with Tuk.

To wind down, Kiri and Tuk sat down together, and you continued your weaving project while Kiri braided Tuk’s hair. A sharp kick had you letting out a string of curses as your hand smoothed over your belly.

”Are you alright (y/n)?” Kiri asked, a look of concern crossing her features, as she placed one of her hands over the hand you had cradling your belly. “Is it the baby?”

“Babies!” Tuk absentmindedly corrects. The older girl looks back at her sister with a look that could only be read as ‘seriously?’ Tuk smiles as she gives her sister a small shrug. “Hey, when I end up being right, I expect to be the first out of the family to hold them.”

You let out a small chuckle. “I’m fine Kiri, and Tuk, if that happens, you'll have to fight your brother to get him to put them down.” As if to prove you are not fine, the baby delivers another sharp kick to your ribs.

“Ugh okay, little one, I get it.” As you move to stand, Kiri and Tuk quickly hop up to their feet and help you up. “I think the baby wants me to move around a little, so I’m going to take a walk.”

“Tuk and I can go with you if you want?” Kiri asks as she dusts herself off. The youngest Sully nods in agreement. “It’ll be no problem!”

You shake your head as you grab your sling bag. “I’ll be okay, girls. Plus, if I go now, I should be back before the hunting party arrives." The sun was going to set soon and you were determined to get this walk in before Lo’ak got back and forced you to be sedentary all night.

Kiri and Turk share a look before Kirk reaches into her bag and pulls out a neck microphone. “Take this with you at least. I can call you if the hunting party comes back early.” She holds it out and you take it. “I promise I won’t be gone too long, just long enough for the baby to calm down.” Kiri gives you a skeptical look before sighing and going back to Tuk’s hair. “Be back soon okay?” She says “Be safe!” Tuk says from her spot.

With a final look and a wave you begin to walk towards the forest. You probably should’ve taken the girls up on that offer to walk with you…

Your contractions were getting closer together as you ran, but you couldn’t afford to slow down, no matter how much it hurt. Your efforts were soon halted as you tripped over an exposed root, your body crashing into the ground as you let out a muffled groan. As you tried to stand, your ankle screamed out in protest, the pain from your ankle and the pain of your contractions forcing you back to the ground.

“Yawne! Yawne! (Y/N)! Lo’ak’s panicked voice could be heard through the neck microphone you wore. Just over his panicked yelling, you could still hear the snarling of the viperwolves not too far behind you. Quickly looking around, you spot a vine-covered hole in a tree, and using the last of your strength, you drag your body into the hole.

Once inside the hole, you shakily reach a hand up to your neck, and your voice is barely above a whisper as you speak. “L-Lo'ak, something’s wrong and I’m scared. The baby stopped moving after I fell, but I can still feel them coming.” A broken whimper of a sob escapes your lips, but the moment is soon worsened by the sounds of branches snapping and growling being heard outside of your hiding place.

“We’ll be there soon tÌyawn, just hold on!” His voice was unsteady as he yelled over the winds whipping around him and his ikran.

Your breathing quickened as you quickly pulled up the skirt you were wearing. A hand flew between your legs, and the other gripped the ground beneath you. As the pain becomes too much to bear, you let out a blood-curdling wail.

~Lo’ak’s pov~

Another arrow is fired from his bow and solidly lands in a viper wolf, killing it instantly. His panicked state made it nearly impossible for him to think straight, his concern growing every minute. Behind him, Neteyam and Kiri dismount their ikrans and rush over to him.

“I haven’t seen anything yet. Dad is making a loop around the area to see if he can spot her.” Neteyam places a hand on Lo’ak’s shoulder in reassurance, but Lo’ak brushes him off.

“What if we’re too late?!? What if one of them got to her and the baby before we could?!?!!” He pulled at his hair as he thought about everything that could have happened to you. Your screams from earlier replayed on a loop in his head, and his brain began spiraling at the thought of losing you and your baby.

“Guys over here!” Lo’ak and Neteyam’s heads snapped in the direction of their sister. They shared a look before running over to where Kiri was, only to find her pointing at a bloody leaf. As they ran further into the trees, they found bloodier leaves and a few bloody hand prints. Just as they began to assume the worst, a gut-wrenching scream was heard. Lo’ak, never one to think before he acted, took off in the direction of the sound. His siblings following closely after him.

Pushing branches out of the way, he burst into a clearing, Kiri and Neteyam not far behind. Frantically, he began calling your name. After not hearing anything and seeing blood covering the side of a tree, he broke down. Kiri and Neteym could only watch as their brother punched the tree and cried. Their stomachs sank as, for the first time since they started searching for you, their hope began to dwindle.

Lo’ak couldn't take it anymore and slid down the tree and sobbed. Sobs wracked his body as he buried his face in his hands. His breath halted as a hand reached out from the hole in the tree he was next to and wrapped around his ankle. He quickly dropped to his knees and pulled the vines away to reveal a sight that made him cry tears of joy. There you were, in all your beauty. The toll of giving birth in a stressful situation left you a tired, sweating mess.

“(Y/N)! I-” He was promptly cut off as you pressed a bloody finger to your lips and pointed at the bundle you were holding.

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. A beautifully chubby little blue baby was lying in your arms, wrapped in the shawl you had been wearing. Without thinking, his hand reached out and gently moved the part of the shawl covering the baby’s face. “Would you like to hold her?” Your question was simple, yet he only processed the last part of the question.

“S-she? We have a daughter?” His heart soared as you gave him a tired smile and held her out for him. He quickly, but gently took the baby in his hands, the slight jostling disturbing her. A small fist came up and rubbed at her cheek, and that’s when he saw it. Five…… five fingers. His daughter had five fingers like him. Using his index finger and thumb, he gently rubbed her chubby hand.

As Kiri made her way over to the tree, Neteyam stood back to contact Jake. Her gentle hands reached her brother's shoulder as she knelt next to him.

“We have a daughter, Kiri.” His voice was no louder than a whisper, but she could hear all the love and excitement in his voice. As she looked up at you, she could see the smile gracing your lips as you watched your mate holding your baby. The looks on both your and Lo’ak’s faces were of pure love and adoration. Kiri herself couldn’t help the smile that graced her lips as she watched you two, her gaze moving towards her brother.

“You know, I hate to say it Lo’ak, but you somehow managed to make a cute baby.” Her tone was playful as she reached out a hand and gently rubbed a finger against the baby’s cheek. The expression on her brother’s face turns into a pout as he looks up at her. “So you’re saying you thought my kid would be ugly?”

“No. I’m saying that I was hoping the baby would look more like (y/n) than you.” Her playfulness seemingly rubbed off on her brother as a wide grin broke out across his face.

While Kiri and Lo’ak bickered, Jake and Neteyam gathered around the hole in the tree to see you and the baby. As everyone cooed and fawned over your daughter, you smiled as best you could. You were feeling faint and exhausted, but nothing could stop you from enjoying the loving way Lo’ak looked at your child together. The call to sleep was becoming harder to resist now, so you closed your eyes, only intending to take a quick nap………

Taglist: @melllinaa @fev0ir@iaratezaewa@hotdsworld@zaddyskye69@kasa-https@darktyrantwinner@doctorswife221b@atxxokirina@iameatingmyhair@thepineapplesimp@lo707@lyra997 @shadydreamlanddetective@atokirina-writings@plooto @luvv4j4ybe11 @xylianasblog

[overlyobsessed223]

second chances

another halbarry ficlet. spoilers for kevin smith's GA bc this story takes place directly after his run. can maybe be read as platonic. featuring spectre hal and afterlife barry, enjoy :)

---

Heaven has never been a particularly loud place. The sprawling hills that seem to stretch on endlessly provide each resident more than enough space to comfortably exist, and even then, the blissful peace that comes with complete and utter contentment lends to a lack of a need to converse or even speak in and of itself. Save for the whoops and laughter of the young boy wonder who inconspicuously showed up at the pearly gates only a few years after him, Barry has always known the afterlife to be nothing less than tranquil.

And yet, as he runs his thumb along the shaft of one of the arrows that have, as of recently, been left abandoned in the luscious green grass, he can’t help but think Heaven seems the quietest it’s ever been. 

Too quiet, even, perhaps. 

Seeing someone enter through the gates of this place only to return back to the land of the living has been far from unheard of. Barry remembers his bittersweet reunion with Clark some time ago, only for Clark’s soul to be pulled back to his body a short time after. But he has to admit, Oliver’s revival, in particular, has him slightly… surprised, due to the way Ollie had adamantly and consistently refused the second chance Hal so desperately wanted to give him.

Speaking of Hal, Barry senses his presence before he sees him. Well, mostly he senses the Spectre’s wild, angry, vengeful spirit, but he can perceive Hal, too, the loving, sentimental, willful man he’s always been veiled just beneath the powerful force of the wraith he’s bound to. There’s also sadness and guilt—so, so much guilt that it seems to physically weigh on his shoulders and in his eyes, and each time Barry sees him he’s harshly reminded that Hal has not yet earned his place in paradise. 

“So, he’s really gone fully back?” Barry asks, continuing to study the arrow in his hand.

“Yes,” Hal’s voice answers from somewhere behind him. “For now, at least.”

Barry hums and nods. He swallows hard, feeling a prick of bittersweet grief in his chest. Zooming around the valley and scooping up all of the arrows scattered in the grass, he places them back into the quiver and leans it up against the target next to the bow. 

“I kinda thought you’d seem… I dunno. Happier?” Hal comments after a moment. “Now that he’s gone. You two always did butt heads.”

“Yeah, we did,” Barry lets out an amused breath of laughter. A lifetime of heated arguments and cutting words flashes through his mind, and he remembers them fondly.

Oliver’s quick wit and snappy remarks did not die with him, but Barry was met with a very different Oliver Queen standing at the gates of the afterlife, one who he at first almost didn’t recognize. Ollie carried a certain kind of weariness, hollowed to the core by a life of mistakes and insecurities and internal struggles. His eyes had welled up with tears, actual tears when he saw Barry. He’d yanked him into a long, tight hug, and Barry for not the first time had wondered what exactly became of the world after the crisis and why it seemed to leave all of his friends shells of who they once were.

“It was nice having him around,” Barry says. He runs his hand down the edge of the red and white target, reminiscing as he’s so prone to do nowadays. “He mellowed out in his old age. I liked his company.”

He pauses, glancing at the empty valley he and Oliver used to spend hours playing in together.

“But,” he adds, “I’m glad he’s embraced the second chance he’s been given on Earth. If not for him, then at least for the people who loved him.”

“I wanted to bring you back, too.”

Barry stops. He turns around to look at Hal for the first time since he showed up and can just barely catch a glimpse of a too-pale face and dark eyes under a large, shadowy hood. 

“I tried,” Hal’s eyes lower fractionally, like he can’t bear to meet Barry’s gaze. “But you—it’s been so long since your—there just wasn’t anything left of you to put back together.”

As he speaks, his words are heavy with shame. Whether that’s due to his failure to bring Barry back to life or that he tried to do it at all, Barry isn't sure. 

“Well, that’s okay,” Barry says, and he offers Hal a genuine smile to show him that he means it, really and truly. “My time in the sun is long over, Hal. From what I’ve heard, Wally’s filled my boots just fine as the Flash.”

“It wasn’t the Flash I was trying to bring back,” Hal’s eyes lift to look at him head-on. The light of Heaven’s eternal day hits his face more, illuminating his tightened jaw. “It was Barry Allen.”

“Hal…” Barry sighs. He reaches to pull back his cowl and runs a hand through his hair. 

“There’re people who love you, too,” Hal says, his voice slightly wavering. “People who would do… anything. Anything to have you back with them.”

Hal pushes back the hood on his head, letting it pool around his neck and shoulders, and Barry can see his entire face, from the deep frown tugging at his eyebrows and lips to the despair glimmering in his eyes. The years of compounded grief that, even in death, has left him looking aged and worn. Barry’s heart begins to ache. 

“I know,” Barry says softly. 

Because even before he died, Barry never doubted that Hal loved him. There was a special, unspoken connection between them, and in his final moments, one of Barry’s biggest regrets was leaving it unspoken. Now, though, Barry’s realized that maybe it wasn’t as unspoken as he’d thought. 

Their individual paths of life split off from one another long ago, with Barry’s cut short and Hal’s a dark, winding road of pain and suffering. But in death, here they are, together. Although it isn’t like it used to be, and it’s far from a second chance for both of them in the way they'd like it to be, it’s still something to cherish and make the most of. 

“Hey,” Barry moves to stand at Hal’s side, bumping their shoulders, “you don’t need to go back to work right away, do you?”

“No,” Hal tilts his head, that unruly chunk of hair becoming dislodged. Barry doesn’t bother to hold himself back from reaching to push it back into place. “Why?”

“Because we should race,” Barry gestures to the wide, open valley. “Like old times.”

Hal blinks. Then, he breaks out into a grin that’s rare nowadays. In a flash of green light, Hal is wearing his Green Lantern uniform, ring pulsating on his fist as he levitates from the ground. 

“Alright, Barry,” Hal says, and his voice has already brightened significantly. “Let’s race.”

Barry pulls his cowl back onto his face, dips into a running position, and waits for Hal’s starting gun construct to go off. 

Things aren’t the same. They’re on borrowed time before Hal has to go back to his work as the Spectre. Barry will have to remain here, and it could be minutes or eternities before they find themselves together again. 

So all they can do now is make every last second count. 

[northstarscowboyhat]

How did Starlo and Ceroba begin dating in your AU Would there be any conflict because of Cerobas last marriage ending so tragically?

First off, anon thank you for giving me an excuse to gush about Staroba. They have taken a hold of 95% of my brain. This might be a bit of a ramble, but I will gladly share my thoughts on them!

So before Clover arrives in the Underground, I imagine anything romantic between the both of them was kind of out of the question. I HC Starlo is still pining for Ceroba years later, but he's pretty discreet about it. That's his best friend, and she's recently lost her husband and daughter. He's going to be there for her emotionally, but he's not about to complicate things by pursuing his feelings. I imagine even if he hasn't really moved on from her, he's resigned to the fact that it'll only remain as pining from afar.

Meanwhile, on Ceroba's end, she isn't really thinking about romance. She's very much wallowing in her own grief and misery, so to her, Starlo is the only person she has left in her life, but he's just her best friend. There may be some feelings beginning to build, with living with Starlo and spending so much time with him, but nothing she really actively thinks about. She's too consumed by the terrible situation and struggles she's neck deep in.

It isn't until Clover comes around and chooses to stay in the Underground that things change. I HC that Clover chooses to live with Ceroba after the Pacifist ending. Starlo and the gang cleaned up her house anyways, so why not live in it again and make better memories? Because Ceroba's house is close to the Wild East, Starlo visits a lot, not just for Clover but for Ceroba too. Now that they're both working on their own issues and moving on, becoming healthier people, they're able to properly hang out and emotionally support one another and enjoy each other's company in a way they haven't for a few years. This is where Starlo's feelings really kick into high gear, and it's gotten to the point that everyone in their family and friend group notices.

("Dude, you like, totally wanna marry her," Mooch says, hardly bothering to contain her smug smirk. Starlo yanks on the brim of his hat to conceal his reddening face and begs her to keep her voice down, lest Ceroba hear it from across the bar counter.)

Though Ceroba is a lot more subtle about it, this is where her feelings begin to grow too. She realizes that Starlo has always been there for her, even if his actions weren't always the right ones his intentions have always been focused on doing things for her sake, and that she wants him around, maybe more than just a best friend. It gets to the point that the house feels lonely whenever he leaves from a visit. It probably takes a lot of internal strife and struggle to reconcile with her feelings. Letting another partner into her life after she's mourned her first husband is a massive and frightening step to take, after all. She knows Chujin would want her to be happy and live her life to the fullest after he's gone, but it's still a lot to take in.

I imagine once a few months pass, with encouragement from Starlo's friends ("C'mon boss, Clover calls you Pa and Ceroba Ma, you two are practically already raising them together!"), he tries to confess his feelings to Ceroba. He probably fumbles it a few times; not just because he's still shy and awkward under the sheriff persona, but because he really doesn't want to ruin his relationship with her, nor hurt her after everything she's been through. Ceroba, of course, notices this. Probably after the second or third bumbling attempt of him trying to tell her in privacy how he feels, she gently cuts him off and comes out and says it; she reciprocates his feelings, and she would love to start a new chapter of her life with him.

Thus, they begin dating! Everyone's happy for them, especially Clover and the Feisty Four, who has been privy to all of their subtle and not so subtle flirting and obvious pining. Starlo and Ceroba were already raising Clover together, but now it becomes a lot more overt. After they date for a while, Ceroba invites Starlo to move in so he can spend more time with her and Clover and be a proper family. He does so, gladly - though he probably does shed a tear or two moving out from the house he shared with his posse.

[ourfatherwhoartinhell]

Love, Eternal // [Part IV]

Pairing | Phantom x Sister!Reader

Word count | 1.3k

⚠️ Warnings | Reader uses she/her pronouns, (y/n) is used once. There is a ritual scene. TW for murder ghouls, blood, injuries, assault, violence, and death.

Plot Summary: Today was Phantom's summoning day, a special occasion akin to a birthday. Eager to surprise him with a homemade cake, you realize you're missing ingredients and head into town. On the way back, you encounter trouble with some members of the Catholic church that changes the course of your life in the Ministry - and with Phantom - forever.

A/N: I TOLD YOU IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING! This is the last part! Thank you so much for reading this far, I hope it was an enjoyable read. Much love 🖤 xo Emery

[Prev]

Phantom returned a short while later, Swiss and Dew silently trailing him. The poor ghoul was absolutely overcome with grief. Once he found you in the driveway, he could immediately smell the putrid odour of the men who did this to you, their scents still fresh on your beaten body.

When he left the Ministry he had no thoughts but revenge. It was easy for him to pick up on their scent once he was outside, his abilities and senses heightened in his manic state. 

Swiss and Dew knew better than to interrupt a ghoul on a warpath, so they kept their distance, allowing Phantom to do what needed to be done. Sometimes his packmates had wondered how he ever survived in the pit, his trademark traits of being approachable and kind didn’t fly down there.

However, as his fangs elongated and his claws unglamoured, Phantom was quickly proving to all that he was a ghoul from hell after all; mindlessly pulling the first unfortunate soul apart with ease, Swiss and Dew watched proudly as the young ghoul forced the vile human to choke on his internal organs.

Phantom had begun his hunt.

Walking slowly back to the Abbey, Phantom began to come back to earth. His mind was riddled with thoughts of what he could have done differently; maybe he shouldn’t have skipped so many lessons with Aether to spend time with you, maybe he should’ve asked Omega more questions about what his Quintessence could do before he was sent away.

Lost in his thoughts, he began to weep. The thought of losing you and ultimately failing his older brothers, the thought of realizing you were his mate and never getting the chance to tell you. It was almost too much for Phantom to endure.

The blood smearing across his face as he wiped away his tears only made him cry harder. He was covered in as much blood as you were, the only difference being none of it was his. What’s done was done. He was a murderer now. No better than the vermin he just effortlessly dispatched. Phantom knew they would get a special greeting in hell, and that fact brought him a fleeting sense of relief.

He needed to see you one last time. He made his way back up to the main ritual room where he knew Copia would still be with you, but he never could’ve imagined what would be waiting for him once he got there. Rain and Mountain were already inside, the arrangements long forgotten. Dew and Swiss made their appearances known as they stepped behind the young ghoul who had been stopped in the doorway.

“I need to see her, Papa. Please. Just once.”

Copia silently signalled Dew and Swiss closer. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Excuse me?” The fury in Phantom’s eyes quickly returned.

Copia knew better than to get in the way of an angry ghoul, learning his lesson as a child growing up with Alpha, but he stood fast. “Phantom, there’s something you need to know–“

However, the young Quint was hearing none of it as he pushed past Copia and wiggled out of his brothers' grasp.

What he found as he entered further into the room was exactly what he expected: you. What he didn’t expect to see was you… alive? This must have been a dream. He shut his blood stained eyes once, and then twice. You were right in front of him, now sitting between Rain and Mountain in the same place he watched you die - where he felt you die.

What he felt now was something familiar, yet completely new.

Rain had already washed the blood off your face and found you one of the ghoulette’s spare outfits while Mountain had tied up your hair in a ghoulish fashion. Phantom’s brain couldn't compute what he was seeing as he moved cautiously toward where you sat on the ground, still too weak to stand.

Your skin had turned to a violet grey, similar to Phantom’s. Your nails had grown into beautiful claws, and fangs extended where your canines used to be. Your hair turned to a dark blue that almost matched Rain’s, with lighter patches of skin decorating your hairline and cheeks like scales. Phantom noticed your ears were sharp and pointed like Dew's, with the skin at the tip a dark red.

Phantom fell to his knees in front of you, speechless and in awe.

“How–” 

It was like he was looking at an angel gifted from hell. You were one of them now. His beautiful ghuleh, with pieces of all the brothers who helped save you.

When you looked up at Phantom from your place between the two ghouls (who were now your brothers too), Phantom couldn’t contain his tears any longer. Though these were not the tears of sadness and grief from before, these were tears of bewilderment and relief. He didn’t notice at first, but you had the same lighter patch over your eye as he did. Your left eye was a gorgeous shade of ice blue, contrasting the darker grey of the other one. It reminded him of Papa.

“Phantom?”

You were taken aback slightly at the sight of the friendliest ghoul you knew, kneeling in front of you covered in blood from head to toe. He chuckled slightly at the lisp you had when you called his name, not used to your fangs yet. You had extra long ones too, thanks to Swiss. If he was in any other situation, Phantom would've found it incredibly hot.

“If I had known, I would’ve washed up.” He said, looking down at his bloodied attire. His brothers moved aside so Phantom could wrap you in a hug that he never wanted to leave, eager to have your new scent permanently etched onto his soul. “I’m here. I’m never leaving you again.”

The two of you sat like that for a while, your newly heightened senses almost becoming overwhelmed with 5 ghouls and Copia all in the same room. However, if you focused on Phantom, everything felt calm and quiet. You felt safe, wondering if this is how he felt every time he was with you.

You didn’t really know what happened. One minute you were struggling to breathe outside after getting ambushed, the next you had died. Rain and Mountain gave you the Coles notes version of what happened when you awoke. None of which you remembered. You don’t remember much of your time in the pit either. There were ghouls everywhere and it was warm, but not unbearable like you had come to fear it would be. There was one thing you did remember from your time down below though…

“Hey,” you said, as you pushed Phantom off you to look him in the eye. Normally that would’ve been impossible, but you’d worry about that weirdness later. “The devil says Happy Birthday.”

Phantom smiles wider than you have ever seen and places his forehead on yours before desperately, but lovingly, crashing his lips on yours.

“Let’s see Jesus do THAT.” Dew blurts out, completely ruining the tender moment, but not a soul in this room could care as everyone lets out a laugh.

“My dear ghuleh,” Copia says softly, approaching as Phantom helps you to your feet. “You don’t have to choose right now, but in light of your new situation, if there is perhaps a new name you feel is better suited? I can make arrangements on your behalf.”

“Eris.” You spoke as you leaned into Phantom’s touch. “Like the goddess of chaos, cause that’s exactly how this all feels.”

Copia smiled warmly, “Then welcome back to the Ministry, Eris.”

Standing behind you, Phantom cradled you protectively in his arms, nuzzling his nose into your neck. “It’s perfect.”

Copia and your new family left you to get reacquainted. You returned the affection as you twisted to hug your lover once again, relishing in the sweetest scent you had ever experienced as you began to involuntarily rub your cheek over his chest. You were starting to realize what the ghouls meant about the scent thing, Phantom’s was intoxicating and you never wanted to leave. It was like he was made just for you.

“So… I guess no cake then, huh?” Phantom snickers as he leaves soft kisses behind your ear before continuing down your neck.

You quickly pulled away from his embrace. “That was supposed to be a surprise!”

His hands interlocked and rested along the base of your spine. His amused gaze lovingly met the look of disappointment on your face before you let out a frustrated ‘ugh!’ and headbutted his chest.

“Ow!” He yelped. “Sweetheart you’ve got horns now, and apparently Dew gave you some flippin’ pointy ones too.”

“Oops.”

You looked up at Phantom sympathetically, your tail suddenly making an appearance and wrapping around his leg.

“You got my tail though,” he winked.

“My darling ghoul, you have all of me. My heart, my life, and my love, eternally.”

[Prev]

[voidsteffy]

Home: Chapter I

Premise: Viraj x fem!OC Ramya [Hi! Nanna] -> A comment from Viraj drives a crack through Ramya's fragile soul. Best friends to lovers trope, she fell first he fell harder trope. A bit of melodrama / quick escalation. Angsty(?) Beware, not proofread in my eagerness to finally post this.

A/N: I finally wrote!!! This one for my moots @iworshipsappho who commented on my post about this and motivated me to the moon, and @mahi-wayy and @vijayasena and @mellaga-karagani whose zeal and totally cool (hip, trend, movement whatever you wanna call their greatness) fanfics on South-Indian movie characters. @viswa-sakhi -> akkay look at what I've been upto! and @budugu -> yendi, yevanna matladande, yevaina paata padande!

« • • • »

The thing with her was that she did things for others she didn’t have to.

She didn’t have to give Viraj her first ever photoshoot as a costume designer to propel his career. She didn’t have to watch him propose to another woman. She didn’t have to spend all her time tending to his family after his wife left him.

But she did it all, because she was in love with him.

Ramya first met Viraj when they were interning at a magazine. In those days the jobs blended into each other like the days blended into nights, like sunrise did into sunset. But he made it all something memorable. Soon, chats at the office turned into talks on the sidelines, and then into long deep talks all night long.

The moment she saw him, she knew this was the man who was going to break her heart.

It’s okay, maybe that would mean she had a heart in the first place. Ramya couldn’t feel it except when it ached.

While her career as a costume designer grew, her calls with Viraj became few and far in between. Until she visited Viraj in Coonoor.

She hadn’t known about Yashna then.

Hadn’t known about just how infatuated Viraj was with Yashna, and to no fault of his. Something with them just seemed to click, and for the first time in all eternity, Ramya— someone who hadn’t felt pain in her life— ached at the love blooming before her eyes.

Ramya’s life hadn’t been easy by the least, but she refused to cry. She hadn’t cried when her parents admitted they conceived her just to have an organ bank for her ill older sister. Or when her sister collapsed and died of an aneurysm before she could help. Or when her parents disowned her out of grief.

She wasn’t about to cry now either.

Alone in that decorated hotel room, never having felt lonelier in her life, Ramya let the first sunrays of Coonoor pierce her with the warmth she sought in Viraj’s touch. She had come there in hopes of confessing her love to Viraj but it was too late.

He had given his heart to Yashna and there was no turning back from it.

“Hey…” Viraj’s voice came from the other side of the door after a knock. “It’s Viraj. Are you awake?”

Ramya didn’t answer him, all but praying he’d go away.

“I don’t know if you’re listening, you’re probably still asleep. Maybe it’s good that you’re not gonna hear this…” he sounded excited, the sound of his feet pacing echoing on the wooden panels.

She held her breath.

“Nothing…! I feel— God, I haven’t felt like this ever Ramya!”

She felt his fist lightly thump on the door, and she could feel the smile on his face, the happiness and the lightness in his throat. Ramya slid down to the floor, legs pulled to her chest and arms around herself, her back to the door as Viraj spoke on.

“I love Yashna!” he gasped as soon as the confession left his lips. “I love her so much Ramya, I just feel like I can do anything with her by my side. I’ll protect her, I want to marry her.”

Oh to be loved that way by him, she thought.

This eternity to love.

The next to be loved.

« • • • »

Ramya wasn’t married to Viraj or Yashna, but somehow she was always involved in their lives.

Convincing Yashna’s father, protecting them from her mother, arranging the wedding. Ramya did it all. She really couldn’t bear to see Viraj nor Yashna miserable.

She hadn’t realised this until the shock on Justin’s face sunk in.

“Why are you giving away this money amma! If he wants to buy a house he’ll buy it with his own money.”

“C’mon Justin. This is Viraj we’re talking about, you know he’s too proud to ask,”

“But you saved this money for your wedding.”

The money she had handed over to him didn’t matter much when compared to their happiness, she just couldn’t explain it.

“Yes, but this is their marriage. That’s more important.”

He had looked at you then, perhaps deeper than he ever had looked at a person. And after a long pause, he smiled and nodded like he knew the secret to a universal illusion.

« • • • »

Though Yashna had mentally left him long before she had physically left, her disappearance from Viraj’s arms was jarring. She had left their little baby behind, who didn’t understand anything but the fact that she had no mother.

Mahi was the first baby Ramya had picked up.

It was also the first time (in a long time) that Viraj’s daughter stopped crying.

And so a new family was formed, glued together by the needs and dreams of Mahi: just her, Ramya, dad, grandpa, Justin and Pluto. Years passed and the good-night stories grew longer. The birthdays were grander and the smiles less heavy.

In every conference call that Viraj and Ramya attended for Mahi’s cystic fibrosis treatment research, everyone assumed she was Mahi’s mother.

It wasn’t long before Viraj stopped correcting them. However, Ramya remained just a friend, his best friend. She lived in the room across from him, had the password to his accounts, his favourite menu was on her speed-dial, Mahi’s school schedule and medicine timings synched to her calendar. She still didn’t have Viraj’s love.

Not that she loved Mahi for Viraj’s love in return, or practically lived in their house and took care of them to get a love confession from her best friend.

But everytime Mahi asked that one weighted question, it left Ramya questioning her own love.

“When will I hear my mother's story?”

That night, she was worn out by the world and its noise, and Viraj wasn’t home yet. Mahi had grown especially restless with her father’s dismissal of any story with mothers. It made her act out a bit no matter who it was at.

“Sorry kanna, enough stories for tonight. It’s getting la—”

“So you’ll tell me tomorrow?”

“We’ll see Mahi, it’s Nanna’s turn for storytime tomorrow.”

Mahi grew pleading, there was an ache in her eyes. An ache that was never palatable to see in a young girl’s face. Mahi was little, she didn’t understand the concept of losing a mother, or being abandoned. To her, there had always been a mother and she was still here somewhere, but just absent from dinner tables and baking competitions and bedtime stories.

Now that she thought of it, Ramya seemed closest to a mother she’d maybe ever have.

“But he never tells me that story!”

“Mahi…” came Viraj’s stern voice from the threshold of the pink room. “Don’t trouble Ramya.”

“But nanna!”

“No buts, enough bedtime stories for tonight Mahi!”

Ramya left the room to leave father and daughter alone, but when Viraj came out at last after a heated argument, he wasn’t just tired or sad. He was angry.

He stomped up to Ramya at the kitchen platform where she was reheating dinner.

“Did you promise her you’d tell her about her mother?”

Ramya, as usual, was quick to deny. Yashna, however beautiful and ruled by her mother as she was, was the last thing Ramya wanted to broach at storytime.

“No, of course not. Did Mahi say that?”

Viraj visibly shrunk into a chair at her question, his hands twitching on the platform as he shook his head in a no. Ramya placed her own above them, making Viraj to look at her.

“You know… You have to tell her about it all one day.”

He rolls his eyes, “Not you too Ramya.” Tired to the bone, now afraid of mentioning Yashna as much as she was afraid of loud noises.

“What ‘not you too’ ? There’s a reason everybody in this house keeps begging you to rip that band-aid off Viraj. It’s one thing to start this facade, but an entirely different task to keep lying everyday about it!”

She hadn’t realised when her voice had gotten so passionate, when she had forgotten the clicking of the oven and started glaring at her best friend.

He wasn't any more pleasant.

“Oh!” he scoffed, “You think I do this for fun? Huh? You think I like not giving my daughter a mother to even imagine? You think I like being this tired overworked single father whose daughter is being raised by a stranger?”

He said the last word with such venom, a hand recklessly flying to gesture to her, that her prediction of all those years ago came true at a heavy expense.

The thunder tearing from the skies flashed across Ramya’s face, and in that moment, Viraj realised he broke her heart.

“Stranger…” she whispered.

He shook his head, shooting out of his seat to do damage control but perhaps he couldn’t ever repair the wound he caused.

“You think I’m a stranger? Stranger to who? You? Mahi?”

“I’m so sorry Ramya. I didn’t mean it like that…”

“Mahi’s first word—”

“I’m so—”

“—No!”

Viraj froze at the shake in her voice. She was inching away from him, away from years of feeling like a part of this sweet family.

“Mahi. Mahi’s first word was ‘Viraj’ because I kept calling your name whenever I was near her. Her favourite colour changes every week though she denies it every time. This week it’s Falu because she didn’t like the name ‘Maroon’. She scored such good marks in her test today. You know the first thing she asked for, after she showed me her report card? You. Her father. She wished she could ask for her mother but she’s known no one. No one!”

Every word from Ramya felt like it was coming from between the cracks of her soul. It broke something in Viraj.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”

Ramya sniffled, but didn’t let anything else betray her. The world was a blur, but all she cared about was getting out of the house before she’d say something she would regret. She loved Viraj, but she didn’t want to become him.

“She doesn’t know you fully because a part of you will always be with her.  She’ll never know me because I’ve given away all parts of me to you. And you call me a stranger!”

It was not everyday he heard the harsh truth from Ramya. Part of her thought Viraj knew she loved him. At the very least, she thought he respected her.

“Everyone around you is chipping away at themselves protecting a reality you created Viraj! Do you realise just how much you’re suffering because of that reality, how much you’re making us suffer?!”

Somewhere in her moisture-framed vision, Ramya knew she was gathering her keys and bag to get out of the house. But it wasn’t until the rain spatter hit her that she realised she was rushing out. Viraj was just a cry behind her, begging her to forgive him, apologising.

She saw a car pull up in the driveway, Justin’s face illuminated by the overhead lights inside before he jumped out with concern.

A pair of arms enveloped her shoulders. It had been too long since he hugged her, more so like this. Like he was afraid of losing her, afraid of her losing it.

The back of her blouse getting wet with Viraj’s warm tears, and the rain kissing the pair from all around, they slid to the ground.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry”

Justin’s shouts became closer and closer until he stood in front of them. He kept asking what happened but she was out of words to describe the sudden pain in her life. Maybe it had always been there.

If she was a stranger to Viraj, who else did she have? Maybe not even herself.

Her first cry tore out of her throat, and it agonised her more than abate her grief. She caved into herself and Viraj bent with her, on her back with his cheeks muttering the same nothings again and again.

“Justin…!” Ramya cried.

“Amma? Tell me, what happened?!”

“Justin! Please take me away.”

“What?”

Against Viraj’s protests, she stretched a hand out for Justin which he took as fast as lightning.

“Please take me away! I want to go… G-Go—”

He pulled her out of Viraj’s desperate grip into his arms. “Let’s go… Where should we go?” He took her purse, supporting her towards his car. Justin dreaded the day he’d find Ramya on Viraj’s doorstep with her heart broken and her life flashing before her eyes. He hated this.

“It’s ok, it’s going to be ok… Easy there…!”

“I want to turn back Justin!” she cried into his shoulder. His brotherly arms around kept her grounded. “I want to turn back so badly. But before I go back to him, take me away.”

“Ramya I’m so sorry!”

Viraj’s cries turned to his father-in-law at his doorstep while Justin got Ramya safely into the car. They were silhouettes marred by the elusive darkness of the night, wracked with guilt.

“Let’s go…” Justin sighed. “It’s going to be ok amma.”

“I want to go home!” she cried.

“Home?”

“Home…! I want to go home! Home! Please take me home… I want to be home!”

« • • • » stay tuned for Chapter II « • • • »

(moots, tell me if you wanna be tagged❤️)

[sharpth1ng]

Hihihi sharp, sharpie, sharp guy, sharps disposal! Silly sharp man, I sent an ask for writing tips not too long ago, and I am yet again asking. Nay, BEGGING 🙏. If you have. Any writing tips. On Stu’s character. Ouhg. What’s your thought process on writing him?

Anything helps/nfta

If I mischaracterize him I will cry, broski. Jelp.

This is a little late but maybe it will still be helpful.

The way I see Stu hes someone that copes with positivity and humor. If someone he cares about is upset his first instinct is to make a fool of himself to distract them. He's an extremely social person because he finds people entertaining, even though he cares for relatively few of them.

I dont consider him a psychopath but think that relative to the general population he has high levels of cognitive empathy and lower levels of emotional empathy. This means that he's good at understanding people, and because he can understand them he can manipulate them, but he doesn't necessarily feel for them.

For example he's bummed to lose Tatum because he enjoyed spending time with her but he doesn't experience deep grief after her death. The emotional empathy he does experience is extremely selective, and most of it is directed toward Billy.

Put this all together and you have someone who is extremely socially capable. He knows how to fit in and get what he wants out of people. A lack of emotional empathy means he doesn't experience much guilt or shame. Guilt and shame are social emotions, to feel them you have to care what people think of you and how you affect them, and Stu mostly doesn't.

All of that said, Stu has the capacity for emotional empathy, he isn't neurologically incapable of it. I see this as something that kind of atrophied or got shut down through a combination of societal privilege and parental neglect.

The dark side of all that social energy and a history of neglect is that he still craves attention and affection, but he knows better than to just fully be himself around most people. If he did that he wouldn't be able to pass as normal, so thats where Billy comes in.

Similar to the way that Stu is special to Billy because he's the only person who really knows how fucked up he is, it's the same for Stu. Billy is the only person thats safe for Stu to fully let loose with, the only person fully capable of giving Stu the attention and affection he craves.

In that way they're pretty co-dependent, and Stu specifically isn't even trying to hide that dependence. Some people decide from a young age that they're going to be an astronaut or a doctor, and then they devote everything to that until they get it. Stu decided from a young age that he was going to be by Billy's side, however he was allowed. For the most part Billy is his first priority.

I think the paradox of childhood neglect is that you want attention and care but you don't actually know how to be cared for, and it can feel a lot more comfortable to care for someone else than to let them care for you. In some ways Stu can focus on Billy because it's more comfortable than focusing on himself. He understands Billy and I think he enjoys the special relationship he has with him. Even before they're romantically involved he knows that Billy gives him a kind of attention he doesn't give anyone else and that feels incredible.

So that's kind of the way I see his emotional motivation and internal psychological state, that's what I use to figure out how he would respond to various events in my writing.

In terms of his dialogue and internal voice he's jokey, he sees and delights in the absurdity of situations he's in. He uses a lot more slang than Billy and will choose silly turns of phrase just to make people laugh and because he thinks they're funny. He's a fairly sensory person but not as much as Billy, and he's a lot better at identifying his own emotions than Billy. Billy will describe emotional reactions in terms of their physical correlates (eg instead of saying he's embarrassed he'll say he feels sick and his face is getting hot) whereas Stu is often able to just identify that those things mean embarrassment.

Again in contrast to Billy he prioritizes pleasure and joy regardless of what that might mean about him. As a result he's not likely to spend much time in denial about his experiences and he mostly doesn't bother to make excuses to himself about the things he desires. He's pretty brave, he's willing to sacrifice a lot for what he wants and he's ok with a little bit of suffering, even if it's not the kind of suffering that turns him on.

Alright theres your Stuart essay 😭 i hope you find it helpful!

[seenoversundown]

For Death or Glory : Chapter Twenty-Two

Jake Kiszka x Charlotte (Fem OC)

Warnings: Fluff (like sick to your stomach sweet), Sexual language, Insinuated sex (off page- sorry) 'Captain' is used, vague piratey verbiage, mentions of grief/friend who has passed away, Anxious Themes, unfortunate phone calls, the mean internal monologue makes their appearance, and vague description of a panic/anxiety attack.

Word count: 5k.

Summary: Charlotte get's to have a night with the laid-ease and ends up receiving a message that she probably should have expected.

Author's Note: Well folks, I've been humming and hawing over this chapter all week and to be so honest, I am probably feeling the same way as you. (Let's pretend you're reading this after the fact 😅) I don't have much else to say other than, we're all in this together. 🥺

Honey - Boy Pablo "Baby, you are really something else, 'Cause I don't think I've smiled like this before, When I spend my time with you it tends to stop."

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Waking up before him was a rare thing; the man never sleeps. So, lying here next to him as he’s still sound asleep is a treat. Moving the loose strands of hair out of his face, it’s hard not to stare at him. He’s so beautiful. His eyelashes against his cheeks, the perfect little slope of his nose, and the way I just want to kiss the tip of it every chance I get. His lips, the way they pout when he’s asleep, I’m obsessed with them usually, but good god, they look even better now. 

Resisting the urge to kiss him, I settle for just lightly running my thumb over his cheekbone for a minute. I could watch him sleep forever. I lightly traced my finger down the bridge of his nose. Letting my hand run over his cheek again before settling on holding his jaw. My thumb barely grazed his top lip; something about his cupid's bow will always be my favorite. He gently kisses my thumb before his arm pulls me closer to him, slotting my leg between his and scooting my head over to his pillow, our faces a breath apart. He plants a kiss on my forehead, wrapping his arms around me in a hug; his whole body is warm, keeping me tucked into him. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I tell him, muffled since I’m trapped inside his arms. 

He lets out a long breath, “Not the worst way to be woken up,” his morning voice sends a little shock through my system. The rasp in his voice when he’s freshly awake is so sexy.  

“Remember when you said we should quit our jobs?” I ask, laughing as the question comes out. Listening to his giggle as his chest vibrates against me. 

He tilts to look at me, “Oh, now you’re on board?” 

“It’s never too early for pirate references, huh?” 

“Never.” 

Leaning in, finally getting to kiss that cute little pout of his. I can’t help myself when I whisper, “Well then, can I get you some coffee, Captain?” 

Once I was able to get away from him, approximately forty-seven “one more” kisses later, I started the coffee pot for us. Pulling out another mug and making sure it’s clean since I’m the only one who’s been here in a while. I stand there staring at it as the coffee slowly trickles into the pot. 

His arms slide around my waist, tucking his face into my neck as he hugs me. He’s such a gentle boy, a type of affection I’m certainly not used to. His muffled little voice told me, “Didn’t want to wait for you to come back.” 

My heart swells at his words, holding onto his arms as he sways us slightly. 

“Your parents aren’t just going to walk in, right?” He asks, still muffled. 

I giggle at the thought, “No, babe, you’re safe.” 

“I don’t think they would wanna see my half-naked ass in their kitchen.” His sweet laugh is in my ear, knowing he’s absolutely just in his boxers. 

“That would be a first impression for sure,” I tell him. 

We slowly made our way into the living room with our coffee. I drape a throw blanket over him to keep him warm, which really is a bummer for me. I could stare at him all day long, selfishly. 

“Quinn asked if I wanted to go over for a little bit,” I tell him. “I guess Mel and Iris are going to be there too.” 

He quietly asks, “Are you gonna go?”

“It sounds fun.”

“Oh good,” he says, leaning over and leaving a kiss on my cheek. “I’m glad you’ve found friends in all of them.” 

I glance over at him, letting out a quiet, “Me too.”

“I know it’ll never be the same as Cass,” he says, his hand sliding into mine. “But they’re all really good people, and I’m glad you have more people to lean on.” 

Jacob, oh my god. 

“I’ll cry if you keep talking,” I force a small laugh to try and stop the way my throat just tightened up on me. 

His thumb rubs along mine, “I’m just happy for you.” 

“Jacob, seriously,” I laugh, looking up at the ceiling to try and force the tears back in. He only makes it worse, pulling my hand up and kissing the back of it. The smirk that grew on his face was devious; I could feel it. 

He leans back over to me, kissing my cheek a few times and whispering, “You’re so beautiful, honey.”

“Jacob,”

“What?” 

“What are you trying to do?” 

“I'm just being nice to you!”

My eyebrows pull together as I stare at him. He’s fighting a laugh, so I know there’s something floating around in his head. I mumble, “That smirk is telling me otherwise.”

The laugh that came out when he threw his head back. I wish I could have that on a twenty-four-hour loop; I love seeing him so happy. 

“I don’t wanna say it,” his face goes red as he looks at me. 

“Ohhh,” I coo, squishing his face with my hand. “Now you have to tell me.” 

His eyes look between mine and my lips for a moment before he finally whispers, “Just like hearing you say stuff, I don’t know.” 

“That’s all?”

“Well,” he clears his throat before rambling out, “I just um—“

I raise my eyebrows, quietly asking, “What is it?”

“I like knowing I can make you yell my name,” his sweet face is still red, like he doesn’t whisper foul things to me during sex. 

“Mmm,” I hum. Deciding just to tease him a bit, “You’re good at it too.” Sliding my hand up his thigh as I look at him. 

“Char, you’re playing with fire,” his voice low. 

I lean in closer to him, “I don’t have to clock in yet.” 

“Well, in that case—“ he giggles, wrapping his arms around me as he falls back onto the couch, pulling me on top of him.

I can’t stop the small yelp that sneaks out, “Jacob!” 

He flashes me a smile that would have my knees giving out, pulling my face in for a kiss before mumbling into me, “I know you can be louder than that, honey.”  ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Spending my mornings with him has quickly become one of my favorite things. I just get to sit with him while we both try to wake up and listen to him tell me things that he needs to get done before opening the bar– which, for most people, probably sounds incredibly dull, but even just hearing his voice is refreshing. 

Though we don’t always end up in compromising positions, we do tend to fall into them. I can’t lie; it’s usually me starting it. But when he’s just walking around like that, how am I supposed to keep it together?

He spent a few hours with me before he needed to leave, and every time we leave each other, we get increasingly more dramatic about it, to the degree of me lingering outside his car, trying to give him at least ten more kisses before he left. I honestly don’t know what’s come over me. 

Nevertheless, the drive to Quinn’s apartment feels reminiscent of when I would drive to Cass. The closer I get, the more I start to recognize, which is nice and simultaneously weird. They may have been almost neighbors at this rate. The weather this time of year makes for many empty trees, and if there’s no snow on the ground, it’s just a bit sad. 

Once I find where their apartment is and confirm that I’m not parked in someone’s spot, I find my way to their door and knock a few times. 

“It’s unlocked!” I can hear Quinn yell through the door. So I let myself in, sliding my shoes off so I don’t track dirt everywhere. Finding them in the kitchen, pulling something out of the oven.

“I’m so glad you decided to come over!” They giggle, dropping their oven mitts onto the counter and prancing over to hug me. “Mel should be here soon, too.”

“It’s been a minute since I had any semblance of a ‘girl’s’ night,” Making sure to toss some air quotes in there. “It’ll be nice to just laugh with you guys for a bit.” 

Mel showed up not too long after me, having Iris say hi to Willa and me before letting her cling to Quinn. It’s really adorable how much she loves them. The three of us find ourselves on the couch, just catching up about work.

“Do you like working at the bar, or is it terrible?” Willa asks her, looking over at me for a second. 

Mel laughs at her question, “Oh, it’s not terrible. It’ll be nice once Jake realizes that I do know what I’m doing.”

“He does hover quite a bit, doesn’t he?” I chime in, giggling because I’ve called him out for it a few times. 

Mel’s laugh fills the room before spitting out, “Like a helicopter mom!” 

We all fall into a fit of giggles at her comment, which is undeniably true.  

“Since we’re on the topic–” Quinn’s eyebrows pop up a few times when they ask. “So.. what are the updates with our friendly pirate?”

“What do you wanna know?” I giggle quietly. 

Mel quickly shouted, “ANYTHING.”

“We just need to know if things are progressing!” Willa chimed in right after. 

“Well.. we did basically go on a date,” I tell him shyly. “We just kind of didn’t acknowledge that it was a date.”

The instant squeal from everyone made me laugh. It’s cute how excited they are over it. 

Willa can’t hold it in anymore, “DETAILS GIRL!”

“I made him dress up with me a little,” I started. “And then we got dinner, and we went to a different bar afterward, and both of us got a little drunk..”

“What?!” They all yell at the same time. 

I laugh, asking, “What?”

“Jake almost never drinks- let alone gets drunk,” Quinn tells me. 

Mel reaches over, grabs my arm, and asks, “Is he still wild?”

“Oh- he was so goofy and giggly,” I can feel my face heating up as I talk about him. “Also, he was so, so, sweet. I don’t think he went more than a minute without making some sort of contact with me.”

Quinn let out a quiet,  “Oh, my heart.”

“He also started singing to me and made me dance with him.” 

“EW,” Willa yelps. 

I hide my face in my hands, mumbling, “I know.”

“How do you feel about him?” Quinn asks timidly. 

That really is the question, isn’t it? I can feel them all staring at me, waiting for my response. 

“Uh, I don’t know,” I say nervously, knowing they won’t buy it. 

Mel quickly piped up, “Don’t lie! We won’t say anything, don’t worry.”

“I mean.. He’s just.. He’s so nice and caring and..”

“And?” Willa’s eyebrow shoots up. 

I let out a laugh while admitting, “God, he’s so hot.”

“Tell me to shove it if this is too much but.. Have you considered just.. Actually dating him?”

I haven’t really thought about it, but being able to call him mine makes my heart feel weird. 

“Well, um”

“What’s making you doubt it?”

“Or what’s holding you back? Maybe that’s a better way to say it”

My job. Living up north. The fact that I’m scared that this is a fluke because I met him when I was so sad. But I can’t tell them that.. 

“I guess I don’t really know,” I lie. 

Quinn asks, “Have you guys like.. talked about that before?”

“No, we kind of just got into this situation and then left it at that.”

“Well, how did that conversation go?” Willa follows up. 

I sigh, “Naturally, he said whatever I'm comfortable with, so… everything is up to me.”

“Are you worried that he won’t be into it?” Mel asks quietly. 

“Honestly, no, not really. The way he treats me and talks to me tells me that he would be willing to work with whatever.” 

Quinn finally belts out, “LOTTIE— JUST TAKE THE CHANCE.”

But what if I don’t feel like I deserve him? I lied to be able to hang out here longer than I needed to. I’ve inconvenienced him for the last couple of weeks and probably stressed him out by never telling him his paperwork was good to go.  

“Yeah, girl,” Mel starts, “I would just maybe try to slip it into a conversation with him at some point. You’ll literally have the sweetest boyfriend on the planet; what’s there to lose?”

Him.

I hesitate,  “Um.”  I swallow hard, looking down and not knowing what to say. 

Quinn says, “Okay, okay, we can stop, but just.. perhaps think about it?” 

“Yeah, a different note,“ Willa starts, “I have this shoot coming up.”

Thankful that Quinn segued the attention off of me, but now my brain is all over the place. I don’t even know how to begin having that conversation with him. I quietly nod my head, listening to Willa explain the shoot that she has. I know I live only a couple of hours away, but would that make him not want to actually date?  I can’t imagine him giving this up that easily.. Feeling Iris tap my leg, I look down to see her precious little face. I pull her up to sit on my lap, and she leans into me. 

“Oh, how sweet,” Mel coos at the sight of it. 

I glance down, smiling at her, quietly laughing, “I’m glad she’s comfortable.”

“Must be something about you that she likes,” she tells me. Well, if my heart didn’t hurt already, now it does. I was watching her play with the bracelet I had on, thoroughly distracting me for a few minutes. 

“So, Lottie, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

Forcing myself back to reality, “I have to go back up North and hang out with my parents and sister, unfortunately.” 

“Oh! I forget you don’t just live down here.”

Yeah, me too, apparently. 

“What are you guys doing?” 

“We’re,” Quinn starts. “Going with the boys to their parents’ Airbnb. It’s going to be interesting  since it’ll be the first holiday with everyone.”

I can see Jake’s face in my mind, the way he looked so sad that he would be the only one there alone. 

“It’s already overwhelming just being around the three of them, and from what I’ve gathered, their mom is basically the same as Josh.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” 

“Quinn, you don’t have to suck up to him.. He’s not here.” 

“I’m not! I’m just going to have a positive mindset about it. I’m sure she’s great.” 

They bicker like an old married couple. 

Mel finally chimed in, “I’ve met them, and they’re wonderful, but yes, Josh is a carbon copy of her, so Willa strap in.” 

I wonder who Jake is more like. 

“I think Danny and I are going to hang out with my Dad for a bit, but then probably make it over to the Kiszka’s because he’s basically part of their family,” Mel tells us. “Plus, it’ll be nice to see them and let Iris meet them since I spent a good amount of time around their house before they moved.”

“Oh, that sounds so fun,” I let out. 

Willa adds, “It’s too bad you won’t be there with us.” 

“Well! Are you going to come by the bar Wednesday night?” Quinn asks. “I think everyone will be there at some point.” 

“Oh, yeah, I figured I’d at least stop in before I head up North.” 

Quinn was excited right away, “Yay! Okay, good! We can all have a drink together before you go!” 

“I’m sure Jake will be happy to see you before you disappear for the weekend, too,” Mel slips in.  

I know, I’m dreading it. 

“We already agreed to bug each other all day since I’ll be bored at home, and he’s the only single one going to Thanksgiving,” I tell them, though it feels like I should have maybe held that in. 

Willa’s face contorted as she said, “Ugh, you two are so cute already; it’s disgusting.” 

“Stooop,” I laugh quietly. 

“I know we said we’d stop talking about it,” Quinn says. “But you guys are honestly precious together.” 

I know it’s probably going to cause a scene, but I ask, “Have you seen the pictures we took in Salem?”

“THE WHAT?” Willa about screamed. 

I bark out a laugh at her reaction, “Hold on, I’ll show you.” 

I slide my phone out from under my leg, swiping through to get to the photos and then handing it over to them to look through. The sounds alone had me laughing, but the way they would all gasp when Willa would swipe to the next photo. 

“Look at how he’s looking at you, oh my GOD.”

“Charlotte– WHY DIDN’T YOU SHOW US THESE SOONER??”

Willa flips the phone around to see the photo of us looking at each other. “GIRL.” 

“What?!” I can feel the heat in my face. 

She turned the phone back to herself, zooming in and then turning it back to me. She zoomed in a little on Jake’s face, his smile, full-on teeth smile, as he looked at me. 

“Be so for real, Charlotte,” she says, letting out a laugh. 

Mel’s eyes flit between my phone and my stare, “Girl, that man l–  adores you.” 

 He WHAT? There’s no way. I mean, I definitely have a crush on him. Maybe a little more than a crush. Okay, I don’t know how much I actually like him. 

“Oh, you both look so happy,” Quinn’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. 

Willa hands my phone back to me, and Iris is still sitting on my lap. She sees the photo before I lock it. 

She points at it, looking at Mel and signing something to her. 

Mel signs back, speaking under her breath as she does, ‘Yes, baby, that’s Uncle Jake.’

You have to be kidding me.  I swipe through the photos as she beams at them, giggling at him for a moment before she looks over at Quinn and starts to climb off my lap. 

We all sat around chatting about whatever came to mind for a while. My phone lights up, looking at it, fuck, and it’s my boss. I look over at Quinn, pointing at the call and then nodding towards the door and quickly hustling outside, dreading the call preemptively. 

“Hello,” I answer, trying to sound confident. 

“Charlotte, we gotta chat,” he says matter-of-factly. 

I know I have to sound terrified when I finally say, “Okay.”

“I have been trying to stay flexible with you,” he starts. “But considering your lack of response the past few days, I’m going to be very real with you.” 

I try to interject, “I’m sorry, I’ve just been busy and forgot to reply-” 

“I’m sure you have been, but,” he says, unfortunately, he isn’t willing to hear me out. “You need to be in the office again on Monday. Otherwise, we’re going to have a problem.”

I start to add, “But I–” 

He cuts me off, “No, you’ve had enough time. If that bar is struggling so badly, fixing it is not your job. Your job right now is to show up Monday morning.”  

I stare at the ground silently, fighting the urge to cry.

“You still there?” he asks. I wish I weren’t. 

“Yeah, I’m sorry.” 

He sighs, “I really don’t want to see you get let go, Charlotte.”

“Wait.. I would be fired?” the panic lacing my voice is unmistakable.  

He hesitates to respond but finally replies, “I’m not going to say for sure, but I can’t say that some of the other higher-ups are thrilled with this situation right now.” 

“Oh… Um okay. I’ll be there Monday,” I let out, my voice timid.  

“Wonderful. Have a great weekend and happy Thanksgiving.” 

I quietly say, “Yeah, you too.”  

I swallow hard as I hang up, locking my phone and staring at the ground. My mind is already racing with conflicting thoughts. 

Well, shit. 

Now, isn’t this the consequence of your own actions?  

But.. Jacob. 

Your job is more important, Charlotte. 

How do I tell him? I don’t think I can just let go of him. 

Well, you’re going to have to; you can’t just throw your career away. 

Maybe he wouldn’t care that I can only visit over the weekend.. 

Literally, you told him friends with benefits; this is your own fault. 

I can’t end it with him. I’ll break his heart. I can’t do that. 

You should have considered that when you decided getting laid was more important.  

I didn’t plan to fall for him. You don’t choose that. 

You chose to fuck with your job and his feelings.  

I just wanted to be happy. 

The thought sits in my mind; he makes me happy. Haunting me, I never anticipated it. Cass, what am I supposed to do? I found him, but I think I messed up. My throat starts to tighten. No, I can’t cry right now. Feeling the sting in my eyes, I look straight down at the ground, blinking the tears out. My breathing picks up as I stand here, trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do. I can’t do this right now. Taking a deep breath, I wipe my eyes carefully. 

“You just need to get through the rest of tonight,” I whisper. 

I slip back into the apartment, sliding my phone into my pocket as I grab my drink from the counter, looking over at Quinn.  

“Lottie… what’s wrong?” Quinn whispers to me.  Shit. 

“What do you mean?”

“Your eyes look like you were crying, babe..” 

I lie, “Oh, it’s just chilly out, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? Did we say too much?” They ask, grabbing my arm gently. 

I choke out a laugh, “No, no, I’m okay, I promise!” Forcing a smile before continuing, “The cold air just got me good, I guess.” 

“As long as you’re sure,” they look at me a little concerned but squeeze my arm a few times, padding back off to play with Iris. 

I sit on the couch, sipping on my drink. My phone vibrates against me, and I want to ignore it so badly, but I don’t. 

Jacob: i know youre at quinns but im bored without you 

Me: Miss me already? 

Jacob:  i may 

Maybe they’re all .. right? 

Me: I miss you too baby 

Maybe he is what I need.. 

Charlotte.. 

I’ll figure it out. I don’t want to lose him. 

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Once it was close to Iris’ bedtime, I took Mel’s lead and decided to head home. I start the drive, not even realizing the music isn’t playing through my speakers because I haven’t stopped talking to myself in my head. 

I can’t let him go. I haven’t felt like this before, and I don’t want to ruin it. The visual of him pulling me into his arms in his office plays in my mind. The quiet ‘oh honey’ that came out of him, basically choosing the pet name for me at that moment. He kept me in his arms until I was ready to be done. He does everything right. 

The look in his eyes when he watches me talk—the way he always reaches for my hand when we’ve done things. Something about him just draws me in, and I can’t figure out what it is. The pet name he chose, ‘Honey,’ feels so personal as if he only uses it for me. He always wants to pay for things or bring me places without hesitating. Maybe I do want more with him. My eyes fill with tears over the thought of him, oh, my precious boy. 

I pull my phone out once I’m parked and see his name already sitting on my lock screen. 

Jacob: i know youre driving but

Jacob: i hope you had fun with everyone. let me know when you make it home 🖤

I wipe my eyes before replying. How is he like this? He can’t be real. 

Me: I did! I just got home 🥰

Jacob: good :) i’m glad you had a good day 

I wish it were a little better. I pace my kitchen, and my hands shake as I try to think of what to say to him. It would probably be better if I just told him the truth. You should have started with the truth. I didn’t know I’d like him this much. 

I looked back down at my phone, staring at our messages. His little contact photo is sitting at the top, one of the pictures we took in Salem together; his smile was so genuine, and he looked so happy.  

Me: me too. How’s the bar tonight? 

Jacob: honestly, it’s not very busy so i’ll probably head up soon. Tomorrow will be hectic enough lol 

Oh my god. The bar’s anniversary is Wednesday. My heart starts to race as I remember that. I can’t tell him tomorrow. He’s already going to be busy, and I don’t want to do that. Then, the anniversary day. And then the holiday weekend and then I’ll be.. I’ll be back home and–

The anxiety coursing through my body as I try to figure out how to untangle this mess I created. I don’t think he’ll be mad, right? He said whatever I’m comfortable with, and maybe we can figure something out. What if he doesn’t want to deal with that?  

A new wave of panic sets in. What if he doesn’t..? No, there’s no way. The thought of him just calling it quits on everything because I don’t live close makes my chest ache. I feel like I know him better than that.. He would be sad, but I think he would tough it out.. Right? Questioning everything I think, every option starts to make me second-guess myself. 

I finally just stopped. Standing in the middle of my kitchen, it hits me all at once. My ears feel hot, and pain starts to form behind my eyes. I swear I can feel the blood coursing through my veins. I slowly squat down, setting my phone on the floor before dropping my face into my hands. 

“What did I do?” I whisper, my throat feeling tight as it comes out. I feel the tears start to sneak out, fuck. Finally sobbing out, “Cass, why aren’t you here?” 

I can’t hold back the sounds that come out after. I need her to tell me what to do or talk me off a ledge—something because I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I fully sit on the floor, feeling incredibly pathetic as I loudly cry into the quiet of my house. I can hear Jake’s voice in my head telling me to breathe; he’s always so good at handling things like this. 

After a few minutes, I picked up my phone and saw another notification from him.

Jacob: i think i’m sneaking out of here in like 10 mins and then i’m gonna shower but i’ll be free after that 

Jacob: if you want company 

Wiping my face, I stand up, grab my keys, and let the front door slam behind me. Sitting in the driver’s seat, I turn my music up loud this time; anything that’ll drown out the noise in my head. I focus entirely on the road until I reach a red light, looking at my phone quickly to see if he’s sent anything else. The thirty-minute drive felt like nothing. 

Me: are you out of the shower now?

I send him as I walk up the stairs to the apartment.  

Jacob: mhm literally just got dressed 

I knock on his door a few times, sliding my phone into my bag. The door creaks when he opens it, and his eyes widen when he sees me. He’s standing there in just his sweats, his hair still soaking wet from the shower, and just seeing him makes my heart slow down a little. 

“Hi,” I chirp out. 

He looks all over my face, “Is everything okay?” No. Everything is actually really terrible right now. 

“Just—” I hesitate. Don’t say it, just lie. Now is your chance to come clean, Charlotte. I know I should, but I–  “I found something of hers at the house, and I…” 

He grabs my hand, tugs me inside, shuts the door behind us, and pulls me into a hug. 

“I’m sorry, honey,” he whispers; the sound of my pet name makes me want to crawl into him. “Do you need anything?” 

I shake my head, tucking my face into him. Tears prick my eyes when I whisper back, “Just you.” 

“Well, you’re in luck then,” he tells me, kissing the side of my head. “I’m all yours.” 

God, I hope you still say that once I tell you everything. 

He tugs me along, bringing me to his room and grabbing a comfy sweatshirt from his closet before we crawl into bed. 

Quickly curling myself up into him, and let my face rest against his skin. The smell of his cologne is almost calming; he always smells warm, like cinnamon. Which feels fitting for him; he’s such a warm person, so comforting. 

It stayed quiet for a while, and we enjoyed each other’s presence as he ran his hand through my hair, and I traced shapes around the freckle on his stomach. 

He finally breaks the silence when he asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Yes, but also no. 

“No, it’s okay,” I tell him, glancing up at him. “Just not being alone is nice.” 

He tilts his head slightly, resting his lips against my forehead, pressing a kiss into me, and then mumbling, “Whatever helps hun.”

My throat tightens, and I try to take a deep breath subtly.  Just feeling his lips against my skin, his little breaths, and how he’s holding me, my heart starts to race again. 

I can’t lose him. 

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Three

FDOG Master Post | Masterlist | Playlist

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[thewardenisonthecase]

oc as flowers

tagged by @flowersforthemachines

I really like flower symbolism so i decided to do all 3 of my girlies

Anneliese Cousland - Lotus flower

I really like the lotus's symbolism of rebirth, strenght, resilience and the whole rising above the murky water/mud without staining. I spoke before about how killing the Archdemon was somehwat of a death for anneliese - the final death of the girl she was before origins, and the birth of the woman she now is. She went through a lot in a very short period of time and she was able to come out on top and she now has a future ahead of her. it may be hard but she'll fight whatever comes her way. (also. i love drag race and i remembered anetra's songs which is lotus and the lyrics include 'But my story doesn't end /With me fading away, away, away / I will climb To the light like a lotus/ and i'm like that. is anneliese)

Elizabeth Hawke - Forget-Me-Not

So, forget-me-nots are actually my favorite flower due to their symbolism so of course im gonna find a way to put them here and its with Elizabeth. I was talking once to some friends about how one of the ways she uses to cope with the grief of losing her family is that she has to live because she's the only one who'll remember them and considering this flower is associated with rememberance, it felt fitting (also, elizabeth is scared of being forgotten, this is why the freaking tale of the champion is important to her so it all circles back). Forget me nots also represent long lasting connections, true love and fidelity and I think that also matches well with Elizabeth and her relationships with both her friends and with Fenris.

Asala Adaar - Poppy

The poppy is heavily associated with sleep, death and also rememberance and for asala, i think it makes sense. The sleep part I'm lowkey associating with her depression post trespasser because for her, it manifests very much into wanting to rot in bed while she sleeps all day, unwilling to do anything. Death part is a little more symbolic because during DAI, Asala struggles a lot internally due to the death of her as a person to become a symbol that she never wanted to be (and also because unironicaly she spends a lot of time in dai believing they'll kill her). Also, poppies are associated with peace too, which is what is asala is seeking after the game ends - she just wants some peace and quiet and for the world to be good again. The poppy also can represent those that were lost during the inquisition (namely carver and some of the valo kas members). its kind of a tragic flower but considering i have cried because of asala's story before, it feels fitting. (also asala may or may not be dead in the chantry hates them worldstate)

no pressure tagging: @viina-art @cacturne @fadeling @championofthefade @sha-brytols @lottiesnotebook @casino-lights

[herofics]

Hii! I loved your aizawa fic with his daughter dying, and after reading that…i started thinking, how would all might react to his daughter getting killed while going on a lil patrol during an internship? :0 or something like that!

ur work is rlly good! Cant wait to go through your blog :D

-🃏 anon :3

A/N: Thank youuuu! The post mentioned can be found here. I honestly haven’t written All Might in ages, but I hope this turned out okay

•You and your father didn’t get to spend much time together when you were a kid, because of his hero work and dedication to being the symbol of peace

•So when he was forced to retire, you were happy about being able to spend more time with him, even though you hated how depressed losing his quirk and all the stuff that came along with it made him

•So now that he was a teacher at UA and you were living in the dorms at the school, you actually got to spend a lot of time together

•He helped you train and was there for you when you were having a hard time, as much as he could be for a stubborn teenager such as yourself

•You went to your internship and on the second day he got a call from the agency you were with

•He thought you were just calling him through one of the office phones, but it was the hero you whose agency you were interning at

•The phone call was quite awkward, the hero was quite young so he had never had to make a call such as this

•All Might listened, thanked the hero for calling him and just hung up

•He was sitting on the bench outside 1-A’s dorms and he couldn’t even hold onto the phone

•It fell on the ground as All Might looked up at the sky and just cried silently

•He didn’t make a sound, the tears just streamed down his face quietly

•He didn’t blame you for a second, it wasn’t your fault that you’d died, it happens in that line of work, but that didn’t do anything to ease his pain

•And besides, you were just a student, you weren’t a pro-hero, this wasn’t supposed to happen

•All Might sat there for hours, he didn’t even notice how much time had passed, before it started raining

•It was as if the sky itself was crying for your loss

•Someone had to tell your classmates, but he could only bring himself to tell the principal, so Aizawa was the one who had to break the news to your class

•Midoriya tried to talk to All Might about it, but he just acted overly cheerfully and tried to not show how heartbroken he was

•He didn’t want to put this on Midoriya’s shoulders too

•All Might put all his energy on teaching after your passing, especially with Midoriya

•He was of course avoiding dealing with his emotions and grief this way

•He didn’t want any other parent to have to go through this, he didn’t want anyone else to lose a child

•Realistically he knew he couldn’t guarantee that, but he wished he could, he really did

•He tried to act cheerful, but when he thought no one was looking, he looked incredibly sad

•Some people noticed, Midoriya especially, but he couldn’t bring himself to say anything

•All Might didn’t know what to say when people offered him their condolences, nothing felt honest

•There were no words to describe this immense hole that was left in his heart after you died