#I'll need to take deep breaths... learn how to meditate..

[umbralundertaker]

Oh god I just remembered that deltarune chapter 3 is going to be 1920s noir themed I genuinely don't know if ill be able to handle it well

[homunculus-argument]

I've never learned to meditate properly, but sometimes when things are frustrating for reasons beyond my control, I'll smoke a mental cigarette. Not menthol, but mental, but it can be menthol too if I want it to be special.

But anyway, when shit gets too much I can just sit down, calmly imagine the feeling of a firm but yielding cigarette filter between the mid- and forefingers of my left hand, feel how the texture of the smooth paper and spongy filter feel against my lips, draw a deep breath and remember the sensation of warm, heavy smoke filling my lungs, and then slowly blow it out, vividly feeling the greasy smell and taste of the smoke as it flows out of my mouth and my nostrils. And then take another drag if I need one, until I'm calm again and ready to go back to what I was doing.

The one cig can last exactly as long as I need it to, be done exactly when I'm done, costs me absolutely nothing and has no negative consequences to my health. I haven't smoked an actual cigarette for years now and don't have cravings of any sort, but every once in a while things just suck ass so bad that I need a fucking cigarette.

[jiecomic]

Chapter 14- The ghost of The past

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„Go home, Kid"

MK was surprised by words that came from Jie's mouth, even Wukong was a little suspicious but he didn't say anything.

"Is something wrong?"MK asked suddenly feeling nervous

"I've got a feeling that something isn't right" Jie explained quickly with cold expression

MK decided to check his phone, the amount of missing calls from Mei was unbelievable!

"I NEED TO GO!!!" He ran away screaming

Jie looked at the exit of cave for a while with her tail shaking slightly, finally she made a deep breath and lifted her foot towards the outside.

"Stop"

As quickly as she heard her master Jie acted as if someone casted her into the stone.

"Master?" She tilted her head and looked at her master who was standing with his hands crossed and eyes closed.

"Jie..."He started making a step towards her"I appreciate that you've been helping MK, really"

He put his hand on her shoulder.

" But I want you to stop"

Jie's face stiffened, she gently shake off her master's hand from her shoulder and started tidying it from dust (as if it was there).

"Master, you're giving me a lot of strange orders" She sighed loudly "Last time you ordered me to protect the kid, remember?- and now I'm supposed to leave him in danger?"

Monkey King scratched the back of his neck and let out a nervous laugh.

"I know-but hear me out!-I want him to learn a little bit of more... independence"Wukong explained as clearly as he could

Jie's glare was so intense that she could make a hole in her master's face.

Then her face relaxed a little

"As you wish Master..." She said slowly and decided to say something more "But I don't think that depending on others is a bad thing"

For a while both of them were quiet, then Wukong broke the silent

"Jie... I think you know very well that he won't always have someone to depend on"

She didn't answer, because she didn't have anything left to say. In fact she started to feel attached to the boy, she knew very well why, but she also knew how bad it was. Wukong probably saw it too, maybe that's why he decided to distance Jie from MK, if it was true then Jie was glad for that, better get rid of the sprout before it turns into a weed.

"If I may... I'll go anyway"

Wukong looked at her confused, so Jie had to add

"Because I need to protect my house and my dog"

Jie's worries about her home turned out to be true, since when she teleported there she saw a hoard of bull clones. Fortunately none of them entered the house, since Gou was protecting the doors, in fact the spell Jie used to protect her place also turned out to be useful.

In an instant Jie kicked one of the clones, the fact that they were stronger didn't escape her attention since the bull clone was still able to fight her.

"Looks like you've gotten stronger... But do not think that it gives you the right to destroy my home!"

As soon as Jie was able to go inside her house she felt so tired that she sat right next to doors. Since bull clones were coming from heavens know where, fighting didn't help, so Jie decided that a protection barrier will need to be enough, of course she also added some wooden planks to her doors and windows, just to make sure none of those creatures would enter.

Gou was trying to help, he scowled in front of Jie and was ready to transform into his beast form, Jie appreciated it but knew that summoning a giant dog in the middle of the city was a bad idea.

Her thoughts somehow were now flying around MK, she couldn't help but wonder if the boy is alright. At the same time the words of her master were ringing in her head.

'Maybe...I'll just take a look?'

This one sentence evolved into an action, Jie sat comfortably as if she was meditating. She felt energy of every creature near her, but focused on MK's, when she found him she searched for the thing she calls 'vessel' and when she found it, she let her soul fly to it... that's a special technique used by most of fox demons, usually called possession.

The vessel Jie chose was a body of a bull clone which was just laying near them, by 'them' Jie meant MK, Iron Fan, Red Son and DBK.

In fact Jie was a little confused about who's the bad guy, since Iron Fan and her son were standing next to MK, Jie in fact noticed that something was wrong with DBK, she would see what if only she wasn't in the clones body. While possessing a vessel you can't use your powers, that's the main reason why Jie doesn't like this ability.

Still she watched the fight, in the moment that DBK grabbed MK she suddenly felt rising cold in her veins, but then the boy did something incredible! It turned out to be just a clone. Jie knew that it was something he learned from Monkey King, but she also remembered how MK was asking her for a few advices, since she used similar tricks. Somehow it made her kinda proud of him.

After that the fight went quickly, but as Jie was about to watch MK doing his final hit, she realised that a piece of rock was falling at her, dying in someone else's body was risky since it's harder for soul to return to it's original body this way, so she had no choice but to return.

Once Jie was back in her house the first thing she did was look outside the window, she was walking outside relaxed while watching the bull clones fall down.

'Good job, Monkey boy' she praised him in her mind

Then she felt strange... the energy that was escaping from clones bodies... could it be...

"No...no,no,no...."Jie took a step back, her body started trembling, she felt cold sweat on her face"It's not you... you're dead'

As if the souls heard her, they started flowing around her, Jie couldn't even look at them, the fear rose up every second she felt this cold energy.

"Go away..."She muttered with her trembling lips

Her ears became filled with whispers, so many that she couldn't focus on one until it turned into one voice... a woman's voice.

"It doesn't matter how long or fast you'll run...destiny will always find you..."

After that all the energy disappeared as if it was never there, but Jie still felt it... the cold...

Jie's mind was so much troubled with memories that she didn't even notice when Wukong came, as he said, he came to check how was she doing and if her house was still standing.

Somehow Jie managed to calm down when he came.

"Glad that you didn't interfere in kid's fight"He said suddenly

Jie felt guilty all of the sudden

"Well actually..." she tried to apologise before her master find out

"Though I would be more happy if you didn't spy on him"

It was too late!

"Spy... is a strong word master..." Jie tried to get out of this situation

Wukong only sighed loudly, somehow Jie thought that she saw disappointment on his face.

"The kid... he reminds me of someone, very dear to me..." She didn't know why she said it but seeing Wukong pay attention to her she continued "That's why I'm afraid that I might be more protective of him, I'll try to work on it"

As Jie analysed her master's face she saw... something new on his face, but whatever it was she couldn't read it.

"Don't worry. I'm not mad, in fact I'm more of grateful, I didn't expect DBK to gain such a power... for a moment I was afraid too" he said softly "You're an expert when it comes to energy, do you know where that one came from?"

"..."

"No..."

'Or I wish I wouldn't...'

End of season 1

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[jerich0l0ve]

Heyy could you write abt how Noah would be having a gf/partner with past trauma/ SA trauma and how he would help with that? No worries if not I get it’s triggering <3

Hello! I can write this, but this content may be triggering for folks to read! I am only writing this because I am someone who has personally gone through past trauma/SA trauma. I'll write this more as a head cannon.

I will not be going into full detail of types of trauma. I will be writing entirely from my experiences in my own personal relationships from the past or things I wished I had in relationships.

18+ MDNI

CW: [Mentions of past trauma and SA trauma, mentions of emotional distress due to past traumas, mentions of relationship strife due to past traumas, conversations may be distressing as well, mentions of sex and sexual relations]

This isn't in chronological order I'm sorry :)

This is also all I can write cause I do not/will not make up experiences I haven't had surrounding trauma/SA. These are very personalized things I needed in relationships/I have experienced in my relationships related to my trauma. This may not apply to you and/or your trauma

Noah is extremely supportive with your therapy and things you do for your mental wellness. He often buys you expensive journals and fancy pens to keep up with your journaling. He will drive you to therapy and wait for you (when he's home from touring). He will research ways to support you in his own time too, making sure that he approaches everything in a trauma-informed way.

The relationship moved very slowly. It took you a lot of time to trust Noah, you didn't even kiss until the 4th date! But that was ok! Noah was so in love with you the minute he met you, he moved at the pace you wanted and needed. He saw parts of himself in you, realizing that you had a lot of lived experience in life and that there was the good and the bad. He was just as patient with you as you were with him.

The first time you had a panic attack was really scary. You freaked out when Noah touched you in a way that caused you to have a flashback. At first Noah freaked out, unsure what to do, but then he slowly realized you were having a panic attack. He sat with you, holding your hand and taking deep breaths. He asked you what worked best for you in those moments, offering snacks and water if you needed. He just sat with you, which no one had every done. Just being there for you made you realize how in love you were with Noah.

Now Noah is a pro at panic attacks. He can sense them coming on, he has categorized all your triggers in his mind. He knows when they are about to happen, helping you remove yourself from situations when you can. Although, a few still surprise you both and he's there holding your hand. He places kisses on your forehead when you want, sometimes he even shares some of his meditation techniques he's learned for his own.

You don't always share what is going on, internalizing things deeply. This sometimes comes from a place of trust, other times because you don't want to burden him. It can be hard when you have so much going on internally, and Noah has so much going on externally.

When you shared what happened to you for the first time, it broke him. How could anyone hurt you the way those people did? He listened intently, only asking questions he deemed comfortable for you. He didn't want to ask anything too intense at first. Over time you did share the details he had wondered about, conscious that it was something you needed to share and not something he should ask. He listened to you and when it came time for him to share, he made sure you were also ready to receive his trauma story.

Noah also has significant trauma. And sometimes he has the same reactions or the same issue you do in the relationship. This can lead to a lot of fights or contention, but at the end of the day you both try to understand each other.

Noah tries to fix you sometimes and it drives you crazy! He comes from a good place, only wanting you to be ok, but it's not always helpful. You have to explain to him that sometimes he just needs to listen and be there rather than trying to fix everything.

You have an extremely hard time trusting Noah because of your experiences with your ex-boyfriend. This has led to you constantly asking if he's cheating on you, where he was Friday night, why his texts came in late. You were weary when his moods were off and often times you were stubborn in believing him, even when he was telling the truth.

The first time you had sex was hard. Being so vulnerable with someone after being violated was hard. Being able to trust him enough to be naked, alone in a room was really intense emotionally. It took a few times to fully have sex with each other. Noah never made you feel bad about anything, he took things slowly. He always looked in your eyes to make sure something was ok, he didn't overtly ask because he didn't want to put you on spot either. The experience was very emotional for you, but also very liberating. You were taking your body back, you felt sexy and beautiful for the first time in a long time. You cried in Noah's arms after sex, Noah rubbing small circles over your lower back.

When he doesn't want to have sex, you take it extremely personally and have a hard time believing that he still loves you. Sometimes when he's extremely horny, you take that personally as well. Thinking he only wants you for sex.

*************************************************

[navnesium]

Memento Mori

I have it tattooed permanently in black ink on my forearm. Eleven letters that with each passing year, smurge into each other as my immune system breaks the ink down. Eleven letters that spell two words: REMEMBER DEATH.

I was nineteen when I got that tattoo. I remember how rebellious I felt as the first needle punctured my skin, leaving behind a small black dot. I remember trying to pick out a font and determine the sizing. MEMENTO MORI

I got it because it was edgy, cryptic, dark and eluded to the philosophical and the sophisticated. Latin script. And old attage that not many even know today, and those who do fall into two camps. Either they think it's morbid and that I'm a suicidal person giving subtle hits to his downfall or it was people like me, who resonated with the stoic use of MEMENTO MORI.

Remember that one day, you will die and take your last breath. Something that is so automatic, you never think about it. Two lungs infalting and deflating. The diaphragm going up and down all day, everyday just to feed your mind and your body enough oxygen to live. Remember that one day it will happen. It will be sudden and it will be sudden. "Make it quick. Make it quick. Make it quick" remember that you are bones and meat with a temporary joyride of a soul. A soul that will return to the hereafter. The soul that is eternal and cosmic. Like the moon. AN END COMING FOR US ALL.

Dying used to fill me with fear. A fear that is all animal and primal. Equal parts our echos of ape DNA and then intellect of a human mind able to grasp the sublime nature of death. Fear. But death comes and all goes quiet, or so they say. Those who've gone away and come back. They all say that they are not afraid of the reaper and maybe I'm inclined to believe them. Maybe it is a peaceful buzz, the kind you experience deep into meditation. The type that removes all boundaries and labels. So what am I afraid of. DEATH.

The feeling of drowning. Water rushing into your lungs, an asthmatic need for air. A desperat flail that has hints of determination, but sudden fear behind it all. Dark murky waters, no air. Nothing to grab onto or hold. Floating in liquid space. Death from the vastness. the slow idling of a body in time and space.

But what about drowning on land. By a feeling of drowning. Of not living. Of feeling the space of life coming down on you from above, leaving nowhere to run and hide. A slow creep of tightening chest, of wheezing. A feeling of life being left bleeding out on ice.

My family. My friends. Nature. Joy. Hope. Optimism. Love. Compassion. Empathy. Care. Kindness. Understading. These are not traits. They are ways of living. And I'll be damned if I live a life of the opposite. What other choice to I have. What's the alternative. To be sad? To wake up feeling dull and numb. Na man. Not me. Action. Bias towards action. To living. To feel everything, all the dents and bumps and breaks and leaks. I'll be damned if I go gently.

So fear. Fear of death. No. Fear of not living. Of dullness. Of reduced passion and love. To come home to my family and laugh with my dad. To help make food with my mom. To make jokes with them both and to feel that they are proud. To love them and give them back tenfold what they gave to me. To give to my sisters, and brothers. To love them openly. To love my friends like blood. To understand them like blood. To learn. To learn every fucking thing there is to learn even though there isn't enough time because what's the alternative? To be passive. To read books outside of my scope, to talk to a stranger to understand why they are the way they are. To lead with love and compassion.

Time is going by anyways. 10 years will pass soon enough. Might as well live in that time. Might as well not be in a rush to get to your car, you you can be in a rush to sit in traffic, so you can be in a rush to get home and in rush to do everything. I'm trying to be happy where I am. Exactly where I am. And those sad days of bed rotting are coming. Those days of profound melancholy. And when they come, you can be sad. But no use in forcing yourself to be sad and holding onto pain and hurt. Why steal from laughter.

MEMENTO MORI. REMEMBER DEATH. REMEMBER THAT ONE DAY YOULL DIE. It's Mr Keating whispering " carpe diem, make your lives extraordinary boys" it's poetry and romance and the sunset. The crawl of ticking gears on your watch. And the realization that you can do whatever you want, but one day it will end. DEATH

[ghostofasecretary]

feeling very overwhelmed this morning.

it's day 29 which means this is the start of the last two weeks and by the end of the day i'm apparently gonna be 69% of the way through (nice).

i also have. no social energy. and teaching to kids this young is basically all social energy. and i feel like i'm--less patient, less understanding, less nice and maybe less kind? because i have so little energy. and i'm not sure if any of that is true or if it shows, but i know the adults around me can tell i'm exhausted. and i didn't think about the inner lives of adults *that* much when i was 7 but i could tell when they were upset for no apparent reason. and when they were mean. and i don't want to be mean or upset because i'm prioritizing Enough Money To Live!

but i do also, like. kinda really need enough money to live.

i model a lot of my teaching after my mom, right? and she has taught under some truly, deeply fucked up personal circumstances and levels of stress i can barely comprehend. and she still inspires her students and has good relationships with them. which means that a) even though that is not my goal, b) it is a thing that people have happen and so c) even if it is not a thing i can *make* happen it probably has some associated skills and practice is the only way to get skills.

so. for the next three days. i would like to

- set clear expectations for what we're doing

- be pleased to see every group of my students, because they are all fun in their own way and every single one of my students is a *person* who deserves adults who care about them

- keep the lesson moving. because that's my job. if everyone is confused i can give a mini-lesson, or change the instructions; if no one is participating i can call a break and shake it out for a minute, or have us all sit for a minute (thinking of a place we like? idk. ideally this would be breathing or guided meditation but i hate both of those things). if students are truly, deeply bored, i can move a game up in the lesson plan or add a challenging or kinetic or pretend element. if one student is having these problems, i can give more examples or explanation; ask if they need to take a minute and keep inviting them back in after said minute; or, like, do any of the latter three options for boredom

bonus emotional elements:

- tap into the deep veneer of calm kindness. this may mean taking some really deep breaths.

- it probably also means remembering that in this context i am owed respect, and if i don't care about how they're sitting i *do* care that they value my time and their learning enough to engage with me and respect the people around them. i kind of? deeply hate demanding respect? it feels like a move you only do when people already don't respect you? so i won't demand it. i'll just expect it and be disappointed if i don't get it. (somehow.) and regardless, i will respect my kids by listening to them and hearing their feelings and adapting in response to their needs as much as i can. and i'll keep the lesson moving. it's time limited. i can get through any short bit of time.

- ~relax a little, it's not that deep~

i don't know that i feel *less* overwhelmed now but i feel overwhelmed in the sense that i have three hard and three impossible tasks to complete, not in the sense that i have no idea what i'm doing and even trying to teach today is a disservice to my students.

it is the end of the school year. everyone is tired and stressed. my circumstances are unusual and stressful for me, but i chose to be in them, and that's not nothing.

let's do this!

- breakfast✅️

- pack lunch✅️

- pack bags✅️

- prep for school✅️

- get dressed✅️

- garage✅️

- drive✅️

- walk in✅️

- gather materials✅️

- teach 1, 2, 3, 4✅️

- lunch✅️

- teach 5✅️

- attendance + notes (midway point)✅️

- go to other school✅️

- prep there✅️

- teach 6✅️

- finish up✅️

- go home✅️

- walk home within five minutes✅️

- enjoy book✅️

- make a dinner/lunch situation

- shower if you can

[nirikeehan]

🔥 for the Veilguard companions?

Unpopular opinions game here

*deep breath* They all suck and I hate them?

I will preface this by saying I only "experienced" Harding, Neve and Bellara before I quit playing the game about six hours in. That was more than enough. The rest I only know through their (far superior) TN iterations, various clips from YouTube, or word of mouth from friends.

Harding: Girl what happened. You were so smart and professional and personable in Inquisition. I know a huge critique of VG in general is that everyone is "too nice" but Harding hated me from the jump and screamed at me the one time I tried to ask if she was okay. It was like being slapped in the face and I never wanted to interact with her again after that.

Neve: Girl what happened TIMES TWO. LOVED NEVE IN TEVINTER NIGHTS. "The Streets of Minrathous" is one of my favorite stories from that anthology. In TN Neve is a gender-flipped hard-boiled detective, dedicated to solving the case and trying not to get too entangled with the emotions that can come along with dealing with people who fall through the cracks of society. She's streetwise and cunning and just a gem to read about. In VG her lines were so wooden, her dialogue painfully stupid, and she actually said "sometimes I stand around and ask too many questions" when I had seen her ask zero questions up until that point. Also her shirt was FULLY OPEN at me hours after I met her, but she didn't have any tiddies so the mixed messaging the game was aggressively pushing at me re: her sexualization was weird as hell.

Bellara: Made me want to defenestrate myself. Her dialogue, voice acting, and character design literally made me wonder if BioWare had decided to market this game to kindergartners. I felt like I was watching a children's show when she was on screen. I think she is actually what broke me, even though I didn't put the game down forever until I got to the part where there was an extended, clunky dialogue scene about finding the lyrium dagger I very clearly had just seen in Varric's chest.

Emmrich: Why wasn't he Audric? Audric was fucking cool. The TN story was about Audric. Did the BioWare marketing team decide a corpse wasn't fuckable enough and the girlies gotta get that old man?

Lucanis: Hilarious story: I hated Lucanis in Tevinter Nights. I found him incredibly difficult to take – he read like a borderline psychopath and he was the only one I accidentally learned was going to be a party NPC despite my full media blackout pre-game release. I finished the story and went, "Oh great, am I gonna have to spend the whole game keeping this asshole in line?" IF ONLY. I learned after already giving up on the game they turned him into sad coffee boy with a demon grafted to him for some reason. Every time I've seen a clip of his voice acting I needed to step away from the second-hand embarrassment. His line delivery is THAT BAD. I can't even get into how stupid and juvenile and unnecessary Spite is; I'd be here all damn day. The fact that there's no possible ending where he can leave the Crows makes me want to tear my hair out. That the horse this game backs really is "dynastic rule is fine actually" is nOT the one I wanted to ride into 2025 as we lose democratic institutions all around us, etc etc etc. The underlying propaganda there makes me queasy – when Inquisition was, at its heart, the opposite of that: a meditation on power and whether it corrupts absolutely. Also his hair sucks ass. Why couldn't it just be one length???? why???????? Were they too busy making Rook's hair super flippy for the combat scenes they could they didn't have time to figure out how to animate a ponytail????

I've since found TN Lucanis compelling in how psychologically damaged he is, and enjoy using fic to make him face his inner turmoil without any magical gimmicks, which is maybe the only way I'll find peace.

Davrin: Gonna be honest, I've barely heard a thing about this character and forget he exists. I'm gonna guess he's the Rose Tico of the crew, aka the one who was added for diversity but then no effort was made to incorporate him into the plot in a way that truly mattered. Also, considering when I tried to play BG3 the only character I remotely found compelling was Wyll, who also got short shrift due to being The Black One, he may have been the only one I might have found tolerable.

Taash: Same as Davrin – all I've heard about Taash is The Controversy, and I just think it's kind of a shame a character that could have really grounded the Tevinter-Qunari conflict as promised in the art book and Tevinter Nights got reduced to a Saturday morning special about gender.

I feel like I'm missing one???? Am I missing one???? LOL

Final bonus unpopular opinion: I think based on Tevinter Nights, Viago would have made a better party NPC than Lucanis. His character design is fucking cool – imagine how he could have been throwing poison bombs and screaming about getting contaminated the whole time. His personal arc could have been about helping him over his obvious OCD and/or putting him on the fucking Antivan throne. The romance could have been freaky as hell since he's terrified to touch anyone. I just think that would have been a delight.

[dbriley]

Digital Well-Being: Because Apparently We Need an App to Tell Us to Breathe

Listen up, fellow digital hostages. We're living in an era where our phones have become such helicopter parents that they now remind us to do basic human functions. That's right – we've reached peak civilization: an app that tells you to breathe. Take that, evolution!

The Mindfulness Industrial Complex

Remember when finding inner peace didn't require a subscription plan? Now we've got meditation apps that are about as zen as a caffeinated squirrel doing taxes. They promise to transform you from a stress-ball of anxiety into a floating cloud of tranquility – all for the low, low price of your sanity and half of your car payment.

These digital gurus are basically the equivalent of having a really pushy friend who won't shut up about their chakras, except now they live in your pocket and send you notifications about "finding your center" while you're trying to watch the newest Tik Tok dance trends.

Your Wrist is Probably Judging You

We live in an era where your watch knows more about your health than you do. These little wrist-mounted dictators track everything from your steps to your sleep patterns, basically turning your life into a game of "Numbers That Make You Feel Bad About Yourself."

It's like having a tiny personal trainer strapped to your arm, except instead of yelling "ONE MORE REP!" it passive-aggressively vibrates and beeps when you've been sitting for too long. "Stand up!" it demands, usually right in the middle of your Netflix binge. Thanks, watch, I totally needed that guilt trip while I was seven episodes deep into a show about vampire gymnasts.

Digital Detox (The Irony is Not Lost on Us)

In a plot twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan proud, we now need apps to help us stop using apps. It's like using alcohol to cure alcoholism, except somehow Silicon Valley convinced us this makes perfect sense. These apps essentially guilt-trip you into not using your phone by showing you virtual trees dying or sad puppies or whatever psychological warfare they've cooked up this week.

Social Media: Now With 30% Less Soul-Crushing Anxiety!

Social media platforms are finally pretending to care about our mental health – kind of like how your ex says they want to "stay friends." They're rolling out features to make you feel less terrible about yourself, which is like putting a Band-Aid on a shark bite, but hey, at least they're trying.

The Future is... Well, Something

Look, here's the deal: we're trying to use technology to solve problems that technology created in the first place. It's like setting your house on fire and then inventing a really complicated way to put it out involving blockchain and machine learning, when maybe we could have just... not set the house on fire?

But since we're all too far gone to turn back now, here's what the future looks like: Your smartwatch will tell your meditation app that you're stressed, which will tell your digital detox app to lock you out of your phone, which will notify your social media accounts to post an automatic "Taking a mental health break!" status, complete with a serene beach photo you've never actually visited.

The Bottom Line 

We're basically living in a world where we need machines to remind us how to be human. It's like we're all participating in a massive technological experiment that future generations will probably study in their "What Were They Thinking?" portions of history classes.

But hey, if you need me, I'll be using my mindfulness app to calm down from the stress of my fitness tracker telling me I didn't sleep well, while my digital wellness app counts down the minutes until I can look at social media again. Because that, my friends, is what we call progress.

Now excuse me while I go download an app that reminds me to drink water. Because apparently, that's where we're at as a species.

[genevawrenn]

I'll Tend to the Flame (You Can Worship the Ashes)

✨#mcytficfight, Team Phantom👻 ✨For @archfeykoi ✨c!Technoblade & c!Philza [Emerald Duo] ✨5.5k W.C. ✨c!Technoblade-centric ✨Violence & DSMP ✨Ashes by The Longest Johns

The Voices were reaching painful levels again, Techno forcing himself to do the deep breathing Phil taught him. Holding close the image of his crow partner caressing his cheek, slowly walking him through a meditation to calm their screams. When he swore that Vow he didn’t see the fine print of being tormented by those he killed, chastising and criticizing things that surrounded the piglin.

His only respite was when he summoned more Hounds of War, able to send some Voices off to inhabit those creatures until they fell in battle. He needed Phil to do that ritual though, after not doing it in a long time their din was becoming unbearable.

Luckily they agreed at the moment of going to free the crow, but he feared what precipice he balanced on and just how small of a shove it would take for him to give into their demands. To wet his sharp steel with their blood, to carve their organs out upon cobble streets as he rightfully wins back what is his.

He takes another inhale, stopping the clenching of his fist as he uses a whetstone upon his trusted sword. Technoblade was just waiting on his potions to finish, then he planned to go rip a few bodies asunder from their limbs until the Blood God’s tales had reawoken. They had touched his Angel, therefore they must learn their lessons about why you didn’t take things from the piglin. He didn’t exactly want to kill them, as much as the Voices disagreed, he wanted to teach them why you didn’t take what belonged to the Blade of the Death Goddess.

With a smirk promising good, clean fear unless they pressed him, he begins to stopper the finished potions as the blaze powder finishes burning.

It was time.

[the-night-writer1]

Feverishly Grieving

Evil mk au with timeline D. As I want to and screw it I can't sleep. Also known as surprise baby boy.

It had been a complicated afternoon as the monkey discovered.Wukong found himself trying to comfort his bud through pain the kid wasn't prepared for. It started two hours ago when Mk arrived. He wasn't looking too hot and Wukong tried to send him home again. Yet kid refused as he just wanted to learn something.

The plan then was to just lightly spare to better Mk's blocking. Kid hated meditation and Wukong couldn't blame him. Took three hundred years for Wukong to learn it's joys. During the very light sparing mk started to pale. Next thing Wukong knew Mk was on the ground trying to curl in on himself.

"bud bud bud talk to me" Wukong frantically spoke as he got knees next to Mk. He gently but swiftly pulled the human's head into his lap," tell me where it hurts kiddo. Or gesture something"

Mk seemed to attempt to say something but only ended up puking on the monkey king's lap. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Wukong thought as many thoughts went through his mind.

Was his bud dying? What he do wrong? Was it some sudden rapid death illness? Why did Wukong turn of his invincibility? What was Wukong going to tell Mk's friends and partner?!

These were all thoughts going through the monkey king's head as he took Mk to his cabin. The kid deserve at least a soft place to lay down while Wukong figured out what was going on. Symptoms, what were the symptoms came across as he carefully laid Mk down on a soft mattress.

Kid was a bit sluggish and grumpy when he showed up. Then he suddenly paled and collapsed. Wukong was pondering as he felt Mk's forehead as the bud's breathing labor. He might not have time to get the kid to an ER if he didn't figure out what it was.

He was thinking over all the possibility when mk manged choked out after vomiting once more,"my abdomen hurts"

His stomach hurts? Wukong was hit with an idea immediately as he turned on his golden vision to check the kid's abdomen. Why didn't he use it sooner? Wukong was an idiot!

"kid I'm going use my eyes to check ok? I'll figure it out okay just take deep breaths in and out" Wukong hummed softly as he brushed hair out of Mk's face. He quickly summoned a clone to clean the vomit as he activated his golden vision.

Shit.

"kid where's your phone?" Wukong asked as he looked around for not waiting for an answer. Kid needed his partner. He may not have told Wukong about them but Wukong knew they existed and Mk need them.

"W-what" Xiaotian groaned out in confusion and agony.

"phone cub where's your phone" Wukong stated as he got down on his knees once more. Putting Mk's head on his lap once more and taking the kids head band off. Mk panting a bit as he gestured to his jacket which was on the coat rack.

Another clone quickly grabbed it and handed it to Mk while Wukong carefully instructed him what to do," Cub call your mate and tell them I'm sending a clone to get them okay?"

Mk only nodded as he was loosing focus. Wukong wasn't paying attention to call after that, he was trying to provide Mk comfort while clones were off collecting items and people. He needed to stay calm for his poor student. Kid probably didn't even realize what was going on. Panic wouldn't help.

"ok okay breathe Mk I gotcha you're safe here just breathe with me okay?" Wukong stated as he tried to keep Mk in some way focus. Humans like the kid struggled so much more with this than his monkeys did. Kid's mate be here soon Wukong thought as he deactivated his golden vision. He nuzzled his student gently as Mk's breathing wavered," breathe deep breath in kid you got this."

Mk's confused groan hurt, he'd never understand how humans could not know they were expecting. Wukong did his best to try and make Mk a little more comfortable but it seemed to just scare the kid. Mk was already that out of it . Thankful it be over soon enough.

----

"you're almost done Xiaotian" Mk's mate said as he was peppering the human in kisses to Wukong's relief. The black haired guy's help was a god send. Wukong was confused on why he was called Cherry bomb in Mk's contacts though. Yet, he instantly calmed Mk's nerves as they were struggling.

After another bit of effort from his exhausted student there they were in his arms. A tiny human cub and Wukong didn't hesitate to dip some immortal peach juice in his mouth. His cries were weak as Wukong carefully cleaned him up.

"here he is you did great. Just rest up while I get you some water and medicine." Wukong said gently as he gestured for "Cherry bomb" to follow after laying the baby next mk in his student's view. He didn't know the guy's name so contact name was all he had.

"what did you -" The man began to ask as they went to Wukong's kitchen.

"immortal peach juice." Wukong stated as he started pulling out herbs from his cabinets,"lil guy's gonna need oxygen machine for a while his cries are too quiet. Soft belly formula is best for cubs who can't nurse from their parent. You write this down? I'm sending you out to get this stuff. Mk can't leave for awhile. He needs rest, lots of it."

" can't you just make it with your hair?" The man grumpily remarked as Wukong rolled his eyes.

"as useful as that trick is, I never do it with formula and medicine. I know you want to stay with Mk and the baby but if I leave and something goes wrong they will die. My clones can't be up too long or they'll try to overpower me. Make sure you get the oxygen machine I'll make the mask and diapers. Grab the kid some clothes and imma start him a warm bath." Wukong stated as he grinded the herbs together. The man was quiet as of thinking it over as Wukong made a new travel clone for him . They before heard Mk's soft crying from the kitchen. Poor kid was overwhelmed.

This was going to hard to explain when Mk was more focused.

[siyasantlani111]

Attention is not love~

Hi guys it's been a while I guess, however today I want to talk about the fact that “attention is not love.” The reason why I chose to write about this is because we don't really give ourselves attention, we don't really validate ourselves so when someone does it for us we get high on that and we believe that someone who gives us attention loves us. However this could get dangerous. A lot of people might not be facing this because I never myself did it. However one day I realised pleasing other people is so subconsciously fitted in me, that it feels like an approval. And the problem with seeking approval is you'll never feel approved enough of. I think society always make us believe that we need someone's approval to feel good enough. I'm not the society's biggest hater but I'm not a supporter either. I think when we constantly want that external validation it stimulates us and helps release dopamine in our bodies however it's still temporary. I'm speaking from experience here. Last year I constantly wanted to be complimented and whenever I got those compliments I think I got high and if someone did not compliment me I'll focus on that instead of the positive ones. If someone made fun of me I would hate it, because obviously they did not approve of me. And it was really triggering and it triggered my fear of rejection wound , however I was in this constant loop of doing what I want then stopping it because people did not like it, then doing it again because people liked it. However this is not a fun mental place to be at. Because you constantly depend yourself worth on an opinion which comes from someone else. Self worth comes from inside and why are we dependent on external things to feel fulfilled? I'll tell you guys a story, whenever guys gave me attention I got really anxiously attached to them and would subconsciously in my brain did things to get attention. And when I got any form of attention I thought they were in love with me, which is stupid! And is insecure too! I don't blame myself for being that person however I have had to take enough responsibility to make myself realise that no attention is not love. I have my struggles with this whole “validation” thing still. However it has gotten so much better . If you struggle with this then I might suggest you with certain things like,

1) validating yourself

2) Writing letters to your childhood self telling him/her how proud of them you are

3) when life gets hard talk to yourself and hug yourself and kiss yourself tell yourself you got this and you believe in you

4) Look into the mirror stare at your reflection tell yourself “I validate you, I'm proud of you”

The last activity is where your ego will come up and will tell you no you're ugly no you are not good enough still keep going. This might be cringey at first however it helps.

I would also recommend getting professional help.

One more thing which will help is doing shadow work questions.

Just keep on asking yourself why?

For example you ask yourself a question. Why do I seek constant validation from others, and the answer comes because I wasn't loved enough in my childhood, then ask yourself how did that make you feel and keep asking until you reach the root of the problem.

Once you do you are aware of why you act the way you act. Then ask yourself can I forgive this?And forgiveness doesn't mean giving second chances it means freeing yourself from that pain or from that resentment you have had. There are a lot of letting go meditations online I'd also recommend watching jullianhimself videos to learn more about letting go and shadow work.

Another thing which helped me was, meditating for 10 minutes without my phone or anything just with my thoughts and told myself that I believe in myself and I'm enough and I validate myself whilst taking deep breaths. It also helps a lot

However on last thing I would mention is that this is not funny when we depend our self on others to make us feel validated enough because it will never be enough. So validate yourself so much to a point where even no one did so it won't affect you that much. Also once I stopped getting high on validation I think whenever someone compliments me, it doesn't feel that special anymore because it's just a compliment and I'm truly grateful for the fact that I get compliments however it's just a compliment and it's not something to be kept on pedestal 😭

Thankyou so much for reading. Stay grounded bitches💅

[fashionablyenigmatic]

Familiares invenire

"Alright, you three," Cadmus began, his tone tinged with slight irritation, "Dad's busy with a fashion show, so today I'm in charge of your magic lesson." They found themselves in Curl Park, a sprawling forest near the Silver District of Inner City, seemingly stretching endlessly. "But today, I'll teach you something genuinely useful—Familiars and how to summon them. Even Karnus can join in, though he might have to resort to non-magical methods."

"Great, thanks. I guess I'll just head off to the pet store, then?" Karnus retorted sarcastically, turning to walk away.

"No, you won't. Get back here," Cadmus commanded, twirling his finger. Instantly, Karnus's feet swiftly reversed direction.

"Damn it," he mumbled under his breath.

Cadmus then turned to Syliph. "Resident bookworm, would you care to enlighten the class on what exactly a familiar is?"

Syliph, adjusting his glasses with a hint of enthusiasm, stood up. "A familiar is more than just a pet or an animal companion. It's a magical entity, often an animal, that forms a deep bond with a magic user. This bond grants both the familiar and the mage enhanced powers and abilities. They're not just summoned; they're connected to the magician's soul, making the relationship symbiotic."

Cadmus nodded approvingly. "Exactly. And today, we're going to learn how to summon and establish this connection. It's a delicate process, requiring empathic energies and an understanding of oneself. Suffice to say, you'd need that anyway if you are going to care for another creature."

"Okay, so what's with the bells?" Bennie asked.

"You should already know the answer. What are bells used for?"

"Announcing intention, summoning, and banishing," Bennie said simply.

Cadmus gave the universal sign for 'right on the nose.' "But before you do that, you need to have a meditative moment and think deeply on what you want, need, and are willing to give to your magical companion. It took me a long while to figure all that out the first time I did this spell."

"Do you even have a familiar? I've never seen you with a pet aside from Cujo and Alter on occasion," Karnus chided.

"Alter isn't... Karnus, shut up," Cadmus retorted. "As for my familiar, you've already met on multiple occasions." He snapped his fingers, and two bodyguards appeared, one in a white suit and the other in black. They hardly spoke a word, but Cadmus turned and gave them a nod. In response, they turned to mist, taking the form of wolves, one black and one white.

"Holy!" Bennie exclaimed, taking a step back, while Syliph did the same in response to the appearance of the bodyguard wolves.

"Oh, relax," Cadmus snapped, and the wolves disappeared. "Now, after your meditations, ring the bell once and say 'Familiares invenire.' Make your intentions known to the universe. Who you are and what you're looking for, about as easy as making a Tinder profile. If you did it right, you'll have a familiar by the end of the week. If not, you can try again."

@passimtemere

[scarsmood]

Step-by-step Manifesting a kintype for fun!

Methodology: 

It is heavily recommended you follow the process as follows:  Research Meditation Hypnosis

Be sure to remind yourself that you can do this cycle multiple times in order to gain a stronger connection. 

Process:

Research 

Learn more about your kintype. You should watch videos, documentaries, read the wikipedia page, read essays, conservation efforts. Truly become knowledgable with this animal and learn its in's and outs. From there go into specifics. Study anatomy, behavior and environment. Learn about how their body works and why. What diseases they can carry and pass on. What sort of behavior they exhibit. How do they socialize? Do they create roles of systems? Are there politics? 

Once you've done that begin drawing connection's between you and the target kintype. Start with basic stuff like "they're black and I like the color black" and build up to more advanced connections like "they have a matriarchal society, I specifically like the role of female 2nd in command best as it reflects my day to day role in life" 

If you cant gather a lot of connections you may need to make a bridge kintype first something more familiar to you then once comfortable branching out farther. For example if your target kintype is a crawfish and your current kintype is a horse. A bridge kintype may be something semi aquatic like a beaver or salamander. 

Once you feel comfortable with that kintype you can extend yourself farther to your target kintype. It may take some patience to get there but everything comes with time and dedication. 

Now that you know a decent amount about your kintype it's time to dig deeper!   

Meditate

Meditation can be done through some scripts i'll drop below. (Also a type of self hypnosis just not as intense as an fyi) 

If you're new to meditation I would start with learning how to clear your mind. This alone can take weeks of work if you've never done it before. Essentially the goal is  to relax so much you are able to and wipe away your thoughts that typically run through your mind. Your inner thoughts and monologue should be silent through your will as an end goal. People with ADHD will have a harder time but Its still possible. 

Clearing your mind: 

Pick a comfortable place to lay down. Close your eyes. Take some deep breathes. Feel your body relax slowly. This meditation is a game of attrition so be ready for patience.  Notice the thoughts in your mind and step away from them. Try to watch them from a detached point of view. The ability to hear them but not so close. Slowly pull yourself farther and farther away from them. Let them stay behind you as you drift off. This may be easy for only a moment but you may feel them come back. Don't be discouraged each time you practice you'll be able to keep the thoughts tamped down for longer and longer. Practice this until you're able to hold a strong silence in your mind for at least 15 minutes. This will be good practice for what's to come. 

The path: 

Pick a comfortable place to sit or lay down. Choose an area your able to feel safe in and do any rituals or habits you may need to do in order to feel completely safe or relaxed. This could be lighting a candle, locking your door, listening to music, cleaning your space ect... once you feel relaxed sit down. 

You'll want to practice this a few times with your eyes open to understand what to imagine as you read. Once you understand the hang of the script close your eyes and envision it fully. 

You are in your hearthome. The place you hold truly dear to you. Your in your chosen form and can look around to fully take in what's around you. You'll notice a path ahead. Walk through it. 

Each step as you walk focus on one sense. sight, what do you see? What's in front of you? Whats to your sides? Next is smell, what do you smell as you travel along the path? Is it humid? Is it windy? Then hear, what can you hear? How do your foot falls sound? What do you hear in your hearthome? Then touch, how does the path feel? How does your form feel? Can you feel your true body? 

As you become familiar with your senses let them grow stronger as you travel down the path. When they become very strong let the intensity fully relax you. Get lost in the world around you as you discover this place. As you begin to get more enveloped in your world focus on your instincts and follow them in your mind. Do what your heart desires in this place. In this world there is no consequence for being what you are you can do whatever you want. 

when you feel satisfied return to the path and walk back towards the way you came. Each step bringing you slowly back to the physical world. Each step intertwining what you've learned about yourself back to your physical body. Once you return to where you started you'll be grounded again and able to do whatever you need in your day to day. 

Familiarization:  

Once you become familiar with the script above you can stretch your muscles so to speak with a few more scripts below. This is practice in widening your scope of focus and ability to adapt and change. 

Bring yourself to your hearthome like you have before and bring yourself down fully. Once your relaxed and ready imagine a new place that isn't your hearthome. It may be something like a different ecosystem, a grocery store, a bouncy castle. Whatever strikes your fancy. 

Here you'll take a moment to explore this new area and note all the ways your kintype may interact with this new space. Be sure to stay positive even if the environment feels unnatural at first. Notice as time goes on how you begin to adopt to the environment. Do you walk a little differently? Do your eyes adjust to the new light? Getting used to these changes is key. Noticing them is important. Once you feel comfortable in this new space explore it further and interact with it. 

Once you feel tired you can head back from the way you came again. Leading back to your hearthome then back to the physical world. 

Body morphing:

Bringing yourself down again you'll want to focus on your forms body. Try to change the size of yourself. Give yourself feathers. Maybe claws. Maybe become softer or smaller. Notice the differences and what parts may be difficult for you to note down later. Once you feel done return to your normal form. 

Hypnosis:  

For hypnosis, I would recommend doing the first script once for the first time you drop yourself and try to not do it again (unless you feel it is really necessary) the second script is more so a reinforcer which is made to cement a new kintype into place. (I used this one the most) a third script is relatively simple to tie loose ends you may have after a roughly 4-5 month process. (for me, year long process so far) 

First script: 

At this stage your now in-tune with this animal and basically roleplay as it often. You may not feel as though it's fully you yet and need to cement this identity further. I would suggest mastering the two above steps. Being able to seamlessly go through "the path" meditation and having done enough research to info dump around 2 pages of content to someone if they asked. (Not a strict standard, just my recommendation. You want a very solid foundation which can take time but is worth it) 

At this point (I hope) through mediation and research you can see some stronger connections that may have developed or become more aware of. Using "the path" meditation bring yourself to the same trail this time with the intention of becoming the target kintype. As you walk forward think of those new stronger connections. Imagine yourself turning into that animal slowly as you draw on those connections. 

Remind yourself how good it feels to be this kintype. How this aspect of you is growing and your nurturing it. Knowing you are fully in control and able to make this commitment to a new sense of self. Imagine imagery that represents you and this kintype meshing. What that looks like. What you look like as this kintype. 

Feel your instincts shift over. Drawing on your previous experience of familiarization and body morphing imagine your body changing as your perception changes into something new. You are not "shifting" but becoming yourself. Something you want to be. Something you always have been but never got a chance to express it. 

Let that freedom sink in that you are now closer to understanding yourself. That you are free and can stop anytime you want. When your done morphing you can feel something in your core locking into place. Listen to yourself and answer any questions you may have about this new form. Deicide if it's truly for you. If so push yourself deeper into the feeling of your new kintype and feel it sink into you permanently. 

As if a new aspect of you has taken root. You can wake up as your kintype. Your the same person you always have been but now with a new facet to explore the world with. 

Second script: 

Bring yourself to a state of deep relaxation and meditation. Imagine you (in your target form) in your desired hearthome. Explore similarly like you did in "the path". While noticing the connections you made previously to this new kintype. Praise them and even show them off in this world. (Ex: i  am a good hunter, so hunt!) do this at least once a week! Practice makes perfect. 

Third script: 

For tying loose ends. Figure out what may feel missing and bring yourself back into a meditation state. Line up the problems and conflicts and look for possible solutions. Some conflicts may be issues with ego, self esteem, anger issues, disconnect, ect. Experiment with a few solutions such as "i dont think im cool enough to be x" perhaps challenge it with compassion and understanding. See yourself as an adult helping a child. Listen to yourself honestly and kindly. Give yourself support and offer solutions of kind words. 

Once every question that can be solved is you can wake up. The desired effect will be a greater confidence in your identity. You may need to repeat this script a few times as well. 

Notes: 

Practice makes perfect! 

FAQ will be posted when people ask me questions. 

Repeating this entire process will make connections much stronger even if you already mastered all of the steps. The act of repeating alone is very powerful. 

FAQ:

How do you Choose a target type? - whatever you want tbh the sky is the limit. If your like "that seems fun why not" and feel ready to commit your time to it then sure!

Are there any other Meditation and hypno techniques?- this could probably be expanded further into a collection of hypnosis scripts and meditations but the ones i listed are a solid foundation. I would focus more on specalizations if i made more hypnosis like tying an identity to a trauma (in a healing way) or spiritually connecting with an identity (rituals)

Should I do any External stuff to?- i would recommend expressing your new kintype in anyways you see fit. For me i made a grackle statue and drew them a lot along with trying to do vocals and eating garbage so go nuts. 

What would be a good outcome? Ideally you feel connected to a kintype you never felt connected to or wanted to feel connection but felt it was being stumped by something.

Do you think this would impact different Nerodivergencies? Yes! 

Systems are more at risk of creating full blown alters instead of a kintype! 

Clinical lycanthropes will be prone to integrating a kintype into a delusion or developing new delusions. This process can also de-stabilize reliable and predicable delusions

ADHD will probably struggle a lot with this technique and will probably need to do something external or multiple steps at once to feel stimulated 

Autism should be fine? Same with cluster B disorders

Most noteably systems should take the most care to try this method because its **hypnosis** which is something systems are extremely prone to since they have an innate ability to dissociate easily. This can mean your brain can take the scripts "to far" and manifest something completely out of your control

If your a system and still want to do it id say go ahead but be aware of the risks

[chrszldvrr]

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE | YOUR KEY TO SUCCESS

Prioritizing Health During Challenging Situations

Health should always be a priority, especially during difficult times. When faced with challenges, I make sure to take care of my physical, mental, and emotional well-being. One way I do this is by maintaining a balanced lifestyle, which includes proper sleep, a healthy diet, and regular exercise. I also practice time management to prevent stress and burnout, ensuring that I have time for both academic responsibilities and self-care.

Mindfulness and meditation – I take deep breaths and practice mindfulness to stay present and calm.

Physical activity – Engaging in exercise or even simple movements like stretching helps release tension.

Seeking support – Talking to friends, family, or mentors provides emotional relief and guidance.

Positive reframing – Instead of dwelling on problems, I focus on solutions and what I can learn from the experience.

By using these coping strategies, I can navigate challenges more effectively while maintaining my overall well-being. Prioritizing my health allows me to stay resilient, motivated, and focused on my goals.

BEYOND THE FEELING

Using a Emotion-focused coping is like having a toolbox for dealing with tough feelings. It’s not about ignoring or suppressing them, but rather acknowledging, understanding, and managing them to help you grow.

1. Feeling It First:

— Imagine you’re feeling overwhelmed by a big work project. Instead of just pushing it down, you take a moment to say, "Okay, I'm feeling stressed and anxious. This is real, and it's okay to feel this way."

2. Understanding Why:

— Now, you dig a bit deeper. What's causing this stress? Is it fear of failure, feeling unprepared, or maybe just the pressure of the deadline? Understanding the root of the emotion helps you address it better.

3. Finding Your Calm:

— Once you know what's going on, you use your coping tools. This could be deep breathing, a quick walk, listening to calming music, or even talking to a friend. The goal is to bring your emotions to a manageable level.

4. Turning Emotions into Action:

— Instead of being paralyzed by stress, you use it as fuel. You think, "This project is important, so I need to take action. I'll break it down into smaller tasks, and I'll ask for help when I need it."

5. Learning and Growing:

— After you've tackled the project, you reflect. What did you learn about yourself and how you handle stress? How can you use this knowledge to make things easier next time? This reflection is key to personal growth.

Think of it like this:

Emotion-focused coping is about building emotional intelligence. It's about becoming more aware of your feelings and using them to guide you, rather than letting them control you. It's about being able to say, "I'm feeling this, and I can handle it." It's about turning your feelings into tools for growth.

[thebutterflyeffectarchives]

music

Listening to this song while I write about the story of my life. As music changes throughout this stream of consciousness, I will paste the songs in. I think this is my new blog. Instead of deleting the old blog I've kept over the years, I think it's time to start fresh. I've left my trails blog still open as I've vowed to myself to stop deleting blogs but I feel I need a new blog to mark my season of the cocoon. I've been doing the same in Spotify. I'm currently in Chapter 3 and I think about to begin Chapter 4. Whenever I write posts I want to involve my present experience more and observe it. Hence the music inserts. Music is the first creation of time travel I've found in this human experience.

Ash and Shaka came over earlier to play music. Worked on a song I wrote about Unity and this idea of being so close to a group of people that you don't know where their hands begin and yours end.

I finished Be Here Now by Ram Dass and am in delight and awe of this book. I meditated today in the sun and worked on focusing on my breath. Lots of saying "In, out, in out, "I feel hot" thought pops into my head and I observe it, in, out, in, "the sun feels nice", in, out, in.." and so on for 15 minutes. For the most part, I am able to empty my mind and I'm confused by that fact since I haven't really had a strict meditative practice. However, when I was Christian, I would sit for hours on end waiting for God to speak and in silent prayer. Maybe that time was my meditation. I've been praying quite frequently again too. It makes me feel connected to the deepest wish of peace and joy, to my dreams, and makes me feel like I'm making a difference in the universe via prayer. What I love most about this book is finding Jesus's teachings again and utilizing them. It's wonderful to find that all that studying of scripture was not a wasted effort. I've been wanting to read the bible again. I'm following a mixture of zen, buddhism, christianity, and paganism and its delicious. My mouth waters every time I hear the word "present" and my heart skips a bit when I contemplate love. I think of that verse that in order to inherit the kingdom of god we must be like children. I'm approaching this newfound spirituality like a baby. I seek to be fresh out of the woman, seconds old, ready to experience everything for the first time. Each day, I'll try to spoon feed myself spiritual baby food. Today's meal consisted of contemplating unity. Practice for when I must escape the warm covers of this cocoon. For now, I can rest in the simplicity of the womb. The safe place of contemplation and non-action.Soon, I will put it all into practice. For now, I learn.

I've been wanting to play this song on the piano and sing it. I may soon. I'm making progress on Rock Fall and it's starting to sound pretty lovely. I'm hoping I can video tape myself playing it and be done with it. After that, it's time to go back to The Curious Nature of Photons and play it how I intended. I think I can make it sparkle more. Its my masterpiece, I just know it. It just needs more spice and passion and my love the song has only increased since I stopped playing it. Perhaps absence makes the heart grow fonder. For the longest time, I dared not play a note. It was too painful but I think I need to play it again and work through the pain. The only way out is through baby... The piano is a deep lover of mine. It's keys are so familiar. I hold hands with music with every touch. Newtons third law in practice with every note and it makes me giggle. I make love to this instrument ferociously. Loud, soft, big, small, swollen, and then I let the silences between notes speak for themselves. Some silences, longer than others.

I haven't climbed all week and I'm itching to go. I'm anxious to take a whack at the 12- and try again the 13-. I plan to end my workout with meditation and then maybe I'll crawl up in the kids room and read a book in the back until I have to go to work. I only work 30 hours but still wish I worked less. However, I am thankful that I have more of the morning to relax and unwind. On the weeks I have Ez, I will just go climb after I drop him off but on the weeks I don't, I plan to climb first and then go to the mountains after. I need mountains daily so going this week without the mountains will be a little tough but it's all gravy.

Off to the world of roblox with Ezra and maybe make some scrambled eggs/contemplate being the witness in my life and manifesting my dreams .

[reneenalaniartista]

1.2.2024

I don't even have a title for this entry. Ha.

I haven't been doing well in terms of mental health. I had plans for work that I cancelled because of what had transpired during my work week. I didn't handle things well. I've been ruminating. (I didn't want to leave my bed for the first time in a while.) I've been tired (spiritually). I know I'm ready for something new.

New career. New area. New people. New. New. New...

Happy New Year, by the way.

Oh, and there's no correlation between the holiday and my desire for a new chapter in my life. No. I no longer allow myself to feel the pressure of the holiday. This desire's been burning inside me for some time. I'm biding my time and doing my work until then.

The thing is because I've been tired of my current situation... I feel like I've had a nasty attitude. It doesn't take much either. I'll feel crossed and that's it. Weekend-refreshed-Renee is out the door. My environment isn't helping my growth. I'm less likely to put up with bullshit, sure. I can see people for who/what they are. (Thanks, narcissistic trauma!)

I'll feel scorned. Unjust. Hurt. But if I have to be honest, I am actively choosing my behavior and reactions. I've been using my environment as my scapegoat to justify them. I can choose other ways to act and behave. I'm letting my impatience and exhaustion overwhelm me.

I know I'm no better than anyone in my environment. I also know that I don't belong anymore. Hence the desire for change. To find somewhere I belong. Do something I'm truly passionate about.

My values revolve around independence, growth, creativity, and (believe it or not) communication. Sure, I can do all those things now with my values. Don't get me wrong either. I am thankful for what I have now. I feel I am not meeting my full potential with where I am at. This circles back to my desire for change.

I'm grateful for being back in school. It has helped me realize my potential. It has also reaffirmed for me where my passions lie. Not only that, I enjoy learning! What deterred me was all the testing and the classroom environment. I don't like distractions when I'm trying to focus (ADHD). If you catch me reading, or doing anything really, and I'm short with you. It's nothing personal. I'm trying to concentrate. I need to focus my mind on one thing at a time.

While my feelings are valid, I need to practice mindfulness. Think before acting. If I find myself in a situation I am not happy with, I can calmly take myself out of it. I do not have to overreact. I can do better. I can.

I'm laughing to myself because I remember hearing this from Daniel Tiger when my niece and nephew would watch it. This is cheesy as all heck, but it's catchy. How does it go? I'm going to try to remember it without looking it up...

"When you're feeling mad and you want to roar, just take a deep breath. [Deep breath.] And count to four. 1...2...3...4."

They teaching mindful breathing to tots... It's great.

With that I'm going to take my dog, Paula, for walkies. Going to do some mindfulness practices during our walk. Meditative walk, if you will. I know I'm not going to be completely zen over night (hence my gripe with the concept surrounding new year's). It all starts with practice.

Take care of yourselves.