#I've struggled with self-worth a lot to begin with for like... ever | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kaszuma · 1 year ago

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Mockery | Hoshina Soshiro

Part 0 of “Certainly Yours”

pairing: Hoshina Soshiro x fem!reader

summary: Mina Ashiro needed a team. But the moment she found one, she was at a loss at what to do when her Vice Captain and Lead Technician got off on the wrong foot.

warnings: Slight Kn8 B-side Manga Spoilers, Mentions of Soshiro struggling with self-worth, Mentions of slight animosity between you and Soshiro but nothing too major, First-time meeting, Mentions very few graphic depictions of slaying Kaiju.

wc: 9,712

–

note: Hello! Sorry for the long wait.

I originally planned to write Part 7 first. but decided to write Part 0 as a special chapter since I've hit a hundred followers. But by the time I finished, we hit 150. Thank you lots!!

There is less romance on this one, since it's a prequel to Part 1 of Certainly Yours. I originally wanted to incorporate a rivalry or an initial animosity between reader and Soshiro. So this was my best attempt on the subject.

There is a lot more interaction and inner pining because it's still in the initial stages in the relationship. And I had a difficult time cross referencing B-side manga with the things I've already written thus far. I’m disappointed we don't really have much information on Soichiro. And I have big plans to incorporate him in a separate part in much more excruciating detail later down the line. Involving jealousy..

Anyways. For now, I shall write Part 7 and give ya'll the comfort you need. Might be the big I love you's, you're looking for. Wink wink.

Also, please tell me if I missed any warnings. None of these are proof read and my phone lags really bad when I post 9k words worth of fanfiction.

–

The feeling of being needed was a foreign concept that Soshiro Hoshina had never experienced for himself.

The road that he paved himself had always been a lonesome one. Carved by the very callouses of his own fingertips. Where he'd dive headfirst into the nose of a cliff filled with criticisms and comparisons. The world familiar to him had always been accompanied by a sense of mockery for his craft. A sneaky way to bury his existence in the wake of the world that had been full of firearms and expert Kaiju exterminators.

In the face of it all, he had always been frustratingly average.

Not nearly as bright as the way his older brother had burned for the adrenaline of the battlefield. The use of firearms, specialized tools and weaponry that had been modernized to slay larger than life Kaiju. Had always been stacked against him. Someone who was not born with the innate ability to tackle such large threats. His use had been chained to the blade. One so sharp and pristined to the point of no return.

For as long as he remembered, it had always been like this.

Even before he had joined the Defense Force of his own volition. He had always felt inferior in the way his brother Soichiro had bested him in every sense of the word. A genius incarnation that had rarely been born into the Hoshina family's already impressive lineage. In a family who prided themselves as generational Kaiju-slayers.

By all means, Soichiro Hoshina was the perfect man born for the front lines. His presence alone dominated the field. Any Challengers he'd face would be a place where normal people would never be able to reach.

He mastered a variety of martial arts at a young age. Already flipping over instructors each time he was paired to a battle in an attrition of self-defense.

The sword techniques passed down within the generations of his ancestors, had all been perfected to improve upon his own. His sword an extension of his arm each time he wielded it. And in terms of firearms? Soshiro couldn't begin to imagine ever reaching the height of his brother's skill. The gap between them in terms of long ranged attacks had been far too large for him to delusionally think he'd ever make it. Let alone surpass.

And although their youngest was plenty good at the progress of his own swordsmanship. Soichiro was on an entirely different level than he was.

A genius, some would call him. A fact the younger Hoshina was far too aware of.

The dust he left behind when he ran forward was often a sight Soshiro was familiar with. Sweeping him off of his feet each time he'd issue a direct challenge with his older brother.

And although he hated to admit it. Soichiro Hoshina's existence was both an inspiration and a mockery to his own.

A frustrating truth that even he had no choice but to believe.

His enigmatic older brother had always been a person who was destined to become the Captain of the sixth division. And his junior of five years, who had not excelled in anything but his skill in close quarter combat. Had all but stood in his shadow, destined to live a much ordinary life as an instructor like his family suggested.

Not a single person expected him to keep fighting.

To keep swinging that blade of his which had been both a boon and bane for his existence in the defense force.

Each humorous jab, or critical comment directed his way, had always been replied with a simple smile on his cat-like features. Far too exhausting to correct the people who had never dreamed to understand what he wished for.

And even if they never did, even if no one ever believed that he'd be able to survive the chaotic life of killing a Kaiju with a blade alone. He'd fight tooth and nail if he had to, In an effort just to keep his style of combat alive.

Because swinging the sword had always been something he found extreme joy in.

He refused to let this be the written ending for his story. Refused to let fate decide on the path to his future actions. Not when his undoing had all been decided by his unlucky birth.

Had Soshiro existed in a different era, far away from Soichiro. Things may have turned out much differently, he imagined.

But alas, he was stuck fighting. Climbing the gritty stairs of progress. Dragging the heavy weights of his blades all the way to the bloody top. And It showed in the way he never stopped practicing. His personalized equipment had always remained in top condition. The sharp end of that thinly-cut mass of iron had always been razor edged and cut-throat in the way it was maintained. Not even a dent could be seen on the damn thing.

By all means the weapon he held had always been ready. Waiting in fact, for the day Soichiro would mess up and stumble.

And for some reason? Soshiro had a feeling that day would be today.

It was their usual four round duel. An agreement between brothers who'd meet up every afternoon at the end of their respective classes for the weekday. Books packed hastily in an effort to rush home so that they could clash blades in the open spaces of their house's courtyard.

It had been a daily routine at this point.

Often, Soshiro would be the first to come home. Dropping his bag onto the floor of his bedroom and rushing to wear his hakama which had been prepped on the foot of his bed. And the moment he puts it on, he shows no hesitation when he grabs an appropriately sized bamboo blade that he kept nearest his closet.

Soichiro, who was the last to come, had always returned home with his little brother already waiting for him at their usual spot. Stance wide and ready to begin their matchup.

And although he often found his determination awe inspiring.

The older brother was far too aware of his own blood's presence. His eagerness to catch him off-guard had been made clear. Always at the ready in the case he'd make a mistake so that he could close the gap in skill between them.

And Soichiro. Who was as equally as cunning as he is. Had always been one step ahead, at the ready for any of Soshiro’s practiced attacks that even he knew could catch up to him at any moment.

Genius my ass. What's the point of being called that when your younger brother was so close to surpassing you? His progress in the blade is abnormally fast.

And to Soichiro. It was utterly terrifying.

“Yer too stiff ya’ little wimp. How do you expect to swing and hit me when that stance of yours is too rigid.” Soichiro pointed out. His chin pointed at the darker haired boy's much smaller feet. The boy hadn't even hit a growth spurt yet. And at this point he had been much taller than Soshiro's current height. His little brother barely reached the waistband of his Hakama giving him an ample advantage in build.

“Tryin’ something new. Now shut yer’ trap and let me hit ya!” Soshiro replied. The same serious look plastered on his face.

And such a challenge is met by his brother's own smirk. “Quite the yapper today aren't ya?” He laughs.

“-Fine. If you managed to hit me once, I'll let you go at me for another round. That ‘a deal?”

“Don't even need to ask.” Soshiro smirks. And with quick footwork, the boy had already reached his older brother's inner circle.

His steps were precise in the way he wasted no unnecessary limbs in his movement. In three short steps he had been faced to face with him. The tip of his bamboo sword already pointed at the very sky. Ready to strike him in the shoulder in an attempt to have him drop his own weapon. A technique he had done plenty of times to Soshiro before.

But the braided haired boy had been quicker. More experienced for his age. Foreseeing the minor tells his brother would exhibit when striking his sword down. And he wastes no time, pouncing to the side. Narrowly avoiding the heavy hand that had almost hit him on the jugular. Where he knows would've hurt.

It was done in quick succession. Soshiro didn't even have time to realize that his brother had turned on his heel. His blade held with one hand, had swept the ground to hit his very ankle. Effectively throwing him off balance. Making Soshiro yelp as he landed on his rear. Sword slipping from the tight grasp of his fingertips which had not grown enough to garner a steady grip yet.

And he could hear Soichiro’s obnoxious laughter echoing from in front of him. Slapping his leg to try and calm his breathless laughter.

“Whoops, nearly thought you had me there didn't ya?” He places his free hand over his stomach whilst he slung his sword over his shoulder. Trying not to pop a vein while laughing so hard.

And the jolly expression on his face alone had made Soshiro grit his teeth.

“Hah!? One more round and I'll make ya’ eat dirt you big bonehead.” Soshiro had replied. Already scampering about to grab his sword from the sidelines. Readying his stance for another round.

But a little known fact about Soichiro is that his interests never linger on him for too long. Only allowing the younger boy a total of four rounds per day. No more, no less. Had that number exceeded. He'd spare no glance and show disinterest on entertaining the boy no more. And his laughter soon dies down.

“Nope, No way! That's the fourth loss in a row. That's ‘bout enough for today Soshiro.” The older boy shook his head nonchalantly. Fixing up the loose strands of his braid as he turned to walk away. Uninterested now that the battle had ended quickly.

“You coward–One more round! I ain’t done with you yet!!” Soshiro yelled. But he sees the way his older brother was already kicking the wooden sandals off his feet. Walking back inside where the scorch of the afternoon sun would not hit him. And mock reply he'd refuse much louder than before.

“Nope.” His mouth popped.

“Them's the rules, I'm afraid.. Now I’m starvin, let's go grab a bite to eat.”

He sees the way Soichiro had not spared a second to look back. Immediately making a beeline to the Kitchen where he knew a few snacks would be waiting for them.

But unlike the eldest, Soshiro had stubbornly stomped behind his brother. Trying his best to keep up with the older boy who had much larger strides in his steps.

“That ain't fair, you said you'd give me five rounds today!”

“I said I'd give ya an extra round IF ya’ managed to hit me. And beggars can't be choosers here seeing as how not one of your attacks managed to graze me at all.”

“-Looks like you'll need more trainin’ ya little twerp.” His hand had reached to pat him on the head. But Soshiro had slapped it away before it could ruffle the tips of his hair.

“Quit callin me twerp ya Bonehead! I'm not the one who's running away–Come back here so I can kick yer’ sorry butt!” He chased after him. A common sight for the household who often saw the siblings bicker with one another.

But Soichiro was too fast. The pleasant smile on his face remained as he grabbed a rice ball nearest the counter. All the while effectively avoiding the smaller one's tackles.

It had been a few seconds more before Soshiro would give up in his pursuit. The sound or his grumbling stomach made Soichiro want to laugh. But he figured he could spare the poor boy the embarrassment of pointing that out.

Eventually, Soshiro stopped. Grabbing a rice ball of his own, he chooses to sit at the tatami nearest the windowsill of their home. And with much delight begins munching on the rice ball with a fuming look on his face.

He hadn't given up..he’s just a little hungry. That's all. He reminds himself.

“One of these days I'll beat ya’ on the first swing. Just you wait.” And that sentiment makes his older brother smile.

“That so?” Soichiro replied. Sitting beside the younger boy who had taken large bites from his own food. And unbeknownst to Soshiro, a smile appears on the corner of his older brother's lips.

“Well, guess I should buckle up and train too. Wouldn't want my wimpy little brother here to get ahead of me. Now do I?” The younger one couldn't help but roll his eyes. Clearly unamused that his brother had taken to scorn him again.

“Train with what? You're already plenty good at everything else. Yer’ just being mean.” Soichiro couldn't help but chuckle at his brother's small pout. Already grabbing him another rice ball to hand to him, as a form of apology. And Soshiro wastes no time to accept his offer. Enjoying the fresh grains of rice wrapped in that salty seaweed sheet. A singular pickled plum had peaked from within the blankets of warm grains.

“Sure. But I ain't about to slack off and give ya an easy-win.” Soichiro chuckles. Though for some reason, his voice had been far kinder than usual. “-Besides…”

Soshiro pauses, raising a brow at his older brother who had stared at the golden rays nearest the open window. And a strange expression was etched on his very face.

“I'm willin’ to bet that someday..yer’ gonna find someone who's gonna need you. With or without that blade of yours.”

And he raises his head to meet his older brother's strange smile.

It had been a selfish, childish desire for sure. One that disliked the idea of his younger brother overlapping him one day. The sheer dedication and progress he had been making was a far cry to his own. But those words, he meant sincerely. And whether Soshiro was aware of that, he was sure that one day he'd at least think back on it as simply words of mockery to discourage him.

And he did not bother to correct him.

…

It had been a few years since then. And for some reason those words stuck to Soshiro like a moth with a lamp.

It was uncharacteristic of Soichiro.

Even after he cut ties with his older brother. He had always found that sentiment of his, strange. The enigmatic Soichiro did not usually go out of his way to comfort him. Let alone aid him in his training. In fact, he distinctly remembers all the times the braided haired boy discouraging him each time they dueled. Demotivated him to stop in his endeavors.

It wasn't uncommon for his anger to boil when it came to Soichiro’s demeaning behavior. His words, often echoing on days where he’d fail to prove his worth to the defense force.

And although he knew Soichiro was only teasing him. His constant onslaught of berations had made him think he needed to improve upon his flaws even more. His words of mockery, a lingering thought on the back of his mind that would've normally made a person give up. Had only strengthened his resolve. And his actions only lead to even longer strides of hard work that only evolved each passing moment he'd swing his sword.

So why was it that those words of his didn't sound like mockery at all?

Had his brother meant it? When he told him he'd find someone who'd need him with or without the skill of his blade?

It had been almost an entire decade since he last saw his brother. Who had gone straight ahead and became a captain of his own division. And Soshiro had just about joined the defense force. Hoping to prove his worth.

But that was easier said than done.

It wasn't until Mina Ashiro had walked in. Scouting him directly from the Kansai District. Offering him a chance to join the Third Division and rise to the top to become her Vice Captain. But even then, it had still felt like a blow to his existence who had been fighting just to stay in the game.

“I need your abilities. Will you join my force, Hoshina?” Captain Ashiro of the Third Division had spoken. Unabashed upon his entrance to her office. It had been one of those rare instances where he got to visit the Tokyo District. And he wondered if the woman in front of him was being serious in her resolve.

“Me?” He gives a wry chuckle. “Not sure I follow Captain.”

“You're a blade specialist. Yes?”

“That's correct.” He spoke with a weary formality.

“We can't overlook the possibility of miniature-sized Kaiju cropping down the line.” The Captain had spoken with determination. And her eyes meet Soshiro's with much the same determination she had when she first offered him a place next to her.

“When I need to shoot a threat, can I trust that you'll clear a path for me?”

…

Soshiro was frozen on the spot.

He was practically unable to answer her. Too shocked at the mere possibility of being offered a need for his skill with the blade. He had been forced to carry a gun with him before, and that didn't end well. Yet here she was, seeking assistance in a blade specialist who had so often struggled to keep up with entire platoons who had wielded firearms instead of steel.

So why now? Why was it when he resolved to only use blades did Captain Ashiro of the Third Division scout him out? Modern Kaiju of this day and age were large. Gigantic with plated shells that even firearms had struggled to pierce through. What good would a sword do in that situation?

And yet even then, he thought about it.

The possibility of fighting his way in the midst of soldiers who carried firearms and freezing rounds. The sheer thought of rushing forward and slicing Kaiju with the perfected combat abilities he had been polishing way before he had resolved to join the Defense Force.

But before he could resolve to make an answer, the door had opened. And you had entered the fray.

“Him? Well I suppose this isn't the first time the Third's willing to recruit strange people.”

Strange?

Soshiro had looked to the side. Catching a glimpse at your figure as you slowly closed the door behind you. Hands shoved to the front pocket of your lab coat as you walked right next to him. Saluting towards Captain Ashiro to formally greet her upon meeting her gaze.

“Captain.” You addressed. Right beside Soshiro. And you could feel his stares poking through your sides.

“At ease.” The Captain looks back towards him. “Officer Hoshina. This here, is the Third's Lead Technician. She's a weapons specialist and will be here to provide your support should you choose to join our division.”

The sweet smile on your face had not faltered. Taking you back to a relaxed stance as you came face to face with Soshiro’s own scrutiny. His raised eyebrow had been an indication of his hesitancy towards you.

Your eyes had made contact with his. And although squinted, you could see the glimpse of his wine colored eyes. Observing you thoroughly from head to toe.

You weren't exactly sure what was running in his thoughts at the moment. But his skepticism was met by a similar opinion of your own. Not entirely sure if he was as good as Captain Ashiro praised him to be. Though you had to admit, he was at least somewhat nice on the eye.

“I heard about you.” He tilts his head. Fox-like in his gaze. And a smile had stretched amusingly on the corners of your lips.

“Oh? Good things I hope?” He looked unbothered. Though in a sense that his kindness was only a front that he had all but gotten used to in hiding. Likely from your comment from earlier. And you had an inkling that he had a few things to say of his own. Sly in the way he'll word it.

”I suppose..” His reply was curt.

“Heard yer’ one of the few technicians that actually make Specialized Bioweapons, that about right?”

You nod. “Only for the strange ones.”

“-Ones that can't conform to the normalcy of standard firearms. Much like you, it seems.”

This makes Soshiro’s lips quirk. Suddenly very aware that your statement had been a jab of sorts. One he had gotten used to from his own division. And such a challenge was directly and expertly countered back in tandem.

“Well yer’ not so normal yourself ya’ know?” His accent had been made much clearer. And your eyebrows raise. Slightly irate in the way he jabbed at you. Though you let him continue, just to see if he could keep up with his own feist.

“-Heard you were the Technician that was kicked out for bein’ so stubborn to work with.”

And you had to hold back a wry chuckle. It seems his smile had a few sharp claws to fight back with. “So you've heard.”

“-But I suppose you too are used to that very sentiment, yes?” Your words seem to make that easy smile of his falter slightly. It was a miniscule comment, but judging by the way he had remained silent. The tension of the room grew weary as the two sparked a similar glare for each other. And although he found the situation slightly amusing, his displeased conversation had definitely soured his thoughts of joining.

Maybe the Third Division wasn't the place for him either.

What were the chances he'd have a different point of view should he switch divisions now? Your existence proved the very mockery his brother had implied. His Father who was normally supportive had not praised him for wanting to join the Defense Force when all he had was his skill in the blade. And the thought alone is enough to convince him otherwise.

Captain Ashiro's offer had been tantalizing, but not definite. And he has half a mind to excuse himself before things could escalate.

But as luck would have it. Captain Ashiro had been observant. Her intentions were never to have them be at odds with one another. And she clears her throat in the hopes she could ease the tension in the room slightly.

Administering as the only superior officer in the room. Who needed to take much responsibility.

“Sleep on it, Hoshina. We could use a close combat specialist like you out there.”

And whether or not she meant that. There hadn't been much time before an alert went off. A pin placed on his thoughts as he had found himself participating with the Third's mission to exterminate acid spitting Kaiju on the eastern side of the Kanto region.

…

Despite his hesitance. The thought of it still remained. And as if magnetized, he found himself willingly transfering to the Third Division. Somehow surviving a Kaiju attack that he had helped fend off with Captain Ashiro's help.

His sword. One he brought with him from back home. Had all been melted to the hilt. Its black steel had an unnatural wave of color on it. A result of his reckless actions when he remembered having to cut through the insides of a Kaiju's mouth. Saving both himself and a child from being devoured and melted.

Had Captain Ashiro and Okonogi; the Third's Lead Operations gal. Not hac impeccable timing, he was sure he would've been dead meat by now. And yet here he was, alive coupled with only a few bruises on his sore body.

After a few days, he had recovered fairly well since then. Deployed from the hospital after a back and forth discussion between the Tokyo and Kansai district. And he had finally gotten permission for his official transfer. h

His things were readily packed as he made his way to the bunkers of Tachikawa's base.

And just as he had stared at the broken blade, he had debated on whether or not he should've just thrown it out to get a new one.

It took ages to convince the Kansai district to forge him a blade. Steel that could withstand the strength of Kaiju skin. Or have a high enough melting point so that the acidic burns of its saliva and stomach were not affected by it. But that type of material was hard to come by. Let alone, he doubts command would grant him access to such weaponry when he had done nothing to prove his usefulness.

So even then, when he had been given the minimum necessity, he had been careful in its uses. Unsure whether or not his platoon leader would allow him to be given a replacement blade when he had so little opportunity to showcase his skill infield.

He’d likely have to ask Platoon Leader Ebina for a replacement. He had so few extra blades to spare. But the Third had at least been kinder to him than his last division. Surely they'd grant him better access to the weaponry of his choice, right?

Though just as he loathed the thought. His footsteps halted.

And in the middle of the empty hallways, nearest the corner where the sleeping quarters should be. Your eyes had met with his once more. The first time in a while since your encounter in the confines of Captain Ashiro's office.

“It's you.” You had spoken.

Suddenly aware that he had been staring at the broken blade in his hand. Unfazed by the heavy duffle bag he had carried with his other arm. The sudden softness of your voice had been unexpected to say the least. Given the last animosity you both displayed towards each other.

You walked closer to inspect the melted steel. Having already heard the report from Captain Ashiro’s latest mission. And for a moment, he feels as if you had looked almost displeased at the weapon. Guilty for having assumed the worst of him. “Looks like the acid's melted it down. I assume you have a spare?”

He nods. Sheathing the broken shortsword back in its holster. Making it look like it hadn't been broken at all. “That's right. Though I ain’t excited that I'm gonna hafta' throw another one out.”

This makes you smile. And his eyes had widened ever so slightly at the sight of your pretty teeth

So that's what you looked like when you smiled.

“Figures. It isn't very common for people to use steel against Kaiju nowadays. Let alone swords.” You spoke slowly. And this time, you see the way his mouth visibly frowns. A stark contrast to that usual unbothered smile of his when you had first met him.

“Well I ‘spose I'm not your common folk.” He spoke tight-lipped. And you cringe inwardly at your thoughtless words.

You hadn't meant that. A force of bad habit it seems. One that came from a place of wanting to help.

A soldier’s life, especially one that dealt with monstrous Kaiju, had always tipped the balance between life and death. And you had thought it reckless to see him remain stubborn when you first heard your Captain praise Soshiro's skill in the blade. Your impression on him, had made you think he was a reckless fool who did not value his life. At least not enough to learn how to handle firearms.

Though now, after having witnessed his actions through Okonogi and a few key witnesses from that day. You knew that you had been wrong in your assumptions. Planning to make amends the only way you knew how.

Your place as a Technician who could only fight through the weapons you made. One that you hoped would help people survive. Even for just a minute longer, just to make a difference.

“I didn't-” Your words were cut short. Not entirely sure why your voice had cut from the tip of your tongue. So instead you move closer grabbing the hilt of his blade from his fingertips. And that alone makes Soshiro tilt his head in confusion. “Here, let me have a look.”

And he watches you admire the weight and feel of the weapon. Staring at the black leather hilt that he had so often found himself gripping. Enough to cause a few dents in the area. Only further proving his dedication to his craft. But he did not understand your actions. Far too vague in deciphering you when he barely knew much to tell if your actions had been one of curiosity or just sheer brazenness.

“Do you…have something against me? Or is there somethin’ I’m missing here?" He blurts out. Unsure if your earlier comments were made from a place of ignorance or as a way to insult his way of fighting.

And your eyes had so easily pried from the blade and back to his face. Surprised that the relaxed persona of his had momentarily disappeared.

And for a second, you felt the weight of added guilt in the way you had addressed him earlier.“Against you? No, I-”

You sigh. “Not really. If anything I'm interested in you.” Managing to blurt out, almost frowning at the way you stumbled to admit that. Somehow that had been hard to say in front of his face.

“That so?” He tilts his head with a smile. “And here I was, under the impression that you hated my guts.”

You had half a mind to roll your eyes. Make another comment that might've irked his feathers for a bit. But you stopped yourself. Finding the smile on his face much more pleasant than you had imagined. A far cry from the masked practiced one he had adorned when you first met him with. And this time, you had made an effort to be more sincere.

“You've gained my trust.” You simply spoke. This time in a much more pleasant tone than you had anticipated. “I was wrong. I misjudged your confidence for stupidity.”

His eyes had trained over each other. And silence swept over them before you spoke hesitantly once more.

“I thought you were unwilling to adapt to change. But I see now you are much more careful than I anticipated.” Your admission makes him look away momentarily. Suddenly unused to such sincerity after their last meeting.

“Your skill in the blade is impeccable. And instead of being stupid, I'll replace your weapon for you.”

He raises his brow. Not entirely sure what you were getting at until you held the weighted blade with one hand. Unused to the way you had spoken softly this time. Almost apologetic even.

“You mean replace my weapon of choice?” He had assumed as much. Maybe you’d hand him a gun and see just how terrible he'd be at it. But you had almost smacked yourself on the head for wording things so vaguely.

“No.” Your reply was immediate. Making it clear that you had not meant to insult his skill in swordsmanship. That much was for sure. And maybe that had been the first spark that finally got through the both of you. That you had not meant to offend each other. Not this time.

“I meant–the material your weapon is made out of. It's barely functional, let alone made for slicing thick-skinned Kaiju. I didn't mean too.. yeah.”

Your words had caught his throat dry. And Somehow the awkwardness you had displayed had made him chuckle in response. Amused in the way you too, had stumbled in your words when you had so confidently spoken to him last time. He wonders if you were even the same person who'd responded with the feist he had experienced first-hand. Jabs and all.

Normally conversations like these would lead to persuasion. A simple comment to get him to use other weapons. To give up on his hard work with the blade.

By all means, he was used to the impracticality of his craft.

He was good with the blade. A prodigy some would call him. But his weapon of choice had not been suited for practical use. Often delegated as a Martial Arts technique, required to join the Defense Force as a form of experience.

But it seems he had forgotten who he was talking to.

For you had not been a very practical person either. A technician who made specialized weapons for the odd who would not dare conform to the standard way of fighting a modern Kaiju. And this time, he understood the words you had struggled to say out loud. Your apologies were clear, and you wanted to help. Even if you did look adorably helpless in trying to offer that option to him. “So, what I'm getting at is that, yer’ offering to help me. Yeah?”

“Yeah. Cause I have no idea how you survived for this long with such a flimsy weapon.”

“‘Scuse me?” He couldn't help but laugh a little more. Finding your bluntness a charm. Your aura had been quite different from his initial assumptions. And it seems you were just a bold individual who was unafraid of speaking the truth if need be.

And the thought alone made him smile. Much more genuine in the way he realized he'd be faced with.

“Normally people just tell me that I'm bein’ stubborn by sticking to the front lines. But never that..” He chortled again. Finding the amusement almost breathtaking to stand upright.

And the sound of his laughter had been similar to the pretty bells you once heard during the peak hours of a windchimes's ring. Nice and genuinely pretty.

If he had laughed like that everyday, it might make things a little harder for you to deal with. But you ignore the quick pace in your heart strings. Rolling your eyes as if nothing changed in your demeanor.

“Oh please. I've seen it from the Operations Room. You're more than capable. But the weapons they've given you are…subpar to say the least.”

“-If you actually want to do more, you're gonna need a stronger steel base than this.” You had flicked your finger against the holster of the blade. And the sound of contact had echoed to his ear. And suddenly he is all too aware of that soft smile plastered on your face.

A confidence brimming in you that told him all he needed to know. A thought that you'd help him. To stick by his side and pave a way for him. Starting with a better weapon.

“And I can help you. If you let me.”

“Oh. So you're offering to fix my blade for me?”

“Even better. I'm offering you specialized blades. Ones that won't break so easily.” You beamed. And the sight of your eagerness had made him almost giddy. It almost sounded like a pipe dream in the way you had offered no hesitance in supporting him. It was a breath of fresh air amidst the many who had given up on him.

“Though of course, you'd have to rise through the ranks. Command will only authorize special made weapons for the strongest Officers after all.”

“Like Captain Ashiro?” He had spoken out of turn. A tilt on his head at the memory of her rather peculiar specialty. “I assume you'd want someone who can dish out firepower as strong as hers.”

It was no secret that the Captain of the Third Division had an unusual affinity for firearms. Her large weapon was akin to a cannon, fit to destroy larger than life Kaiju should they appear before them. But you had all but shook your head at his comment. Already one step ahead to stop his doubts from formulating. And somehow, despite the difficulty in reading him. You found yourself able to at least grasp a feeling of his inferiority. One that had been beaten down on his very body that had made you feel guilty at the words he endured.

The very same words you've mocked him with.

“No. The rest of the command can have Mina Ashiro for all I care. It's you I want.” You pointed to him. your finger squarely on his chest. And he hopes you couldn't feel the vapid way his heart was hammering upon its contact with the fabric of his standard uniform jacket. Eyes fixated at your determination and unexpected confidence in him.

“But why? Wouldn't ya’ prefer someone more capable in both long and close range weapons?”

“Like who?” You had inquired. And suddenly his thoughts shift to that amazing but annoying recruit he's encountered during his entry exams. One that he had formed a small rivalry with since they had entered the force right around the same time.

“Maybe someone like Gen Narumi?” He shrugs. Though you could tell he was hesitant in his choice of words. Which makes you chuckle. “The soldier who requested a ridiculously large bayonet? No.”

Somehow that made Soshiro visibly relaxed.

“He’s good but there's nothing I can do that can help him further. But you on the other hand?”

He raises his brows. Seeing the way you tilt your head forward towards him. And his breath is caught on his lungs, unencumbered in the way you speak your mind openly and in confidence towards him. Comparison did not exist in your mind. And from the look on your eyes, there had not been an edge of doubt in the way you responded almost immediately to his doubts.

“I'd be a pretty bad Technician if I didn't see your uses beyond that sword of yours.”

“So ya need me?” He spoke incredulously. And although it embarrasses you, you give him a curt nod. That makes a chuckle escape from his lips. “And suddenly I'm beginin’ to feel special since I joined the Third Division.”

“Well, it's true. The rest may not be able to see it. But I know it.” You paused. Looking at him in sincerity. One that he was not used to seeing. And he flinches upon your hand grabbing his own. Feeling the way his skin had rich blisters that had been replaced with heavy calluses over the time he spent training.

“You'll save more lives than I can count, and the only way you'll do that is if you're given a proper blade.”

“-Created by yours truly of course.” You let go of his hand. Hopefully he hadn't noticed the red tint on your cheeks as you looked away. And his laugh is the first thing you hear that makes you want to admire his pretty face.

“Yer crazy..” He shook his head.

Though more of a vapid insult. The smile remaining on his pretty lips had indicated it was done on jest. And for a moment, you were suddenly all too aware of how husky his voice had been, or how much taller he had shadowed over you. Or how much better he looked when he smiled.

And you find yourself taking a few steps back. The broken blade already slotted on your shoulder. Ready to take it to your lab and get a head start on designing a suitable prototype for him.

“So I've heard. But the Third Division is already full of that, don't you think?” And he couldn't help but nod. Watching the way you had slowly walked passed him. Already unused to the given space you had provided. For a moment, he wished you had held his hand longer. It had made him miss the warmth of your closeness from earlier.

“I suppose so. It's a lot different from the Kansai district, I'll give ya’ that.” He turned. Watching as you retreated slowly. And with a single glance, you had all but piqued the very last of his interest.

Suddenly, it was like getting caught on a hook. And he’s afraid he'd be seeking you out everyday. If he can help it.

If you’d allow it.

“If they couldn't make you shine then I'll make sure to pave that way for you. No kaiju is gonna break that sword of yours.” You turn around. Already taking a step forward. Hiding your pink face from his sight. Which he was admiring rather languidly had you not turned your head.

“You have my word.” You had finished off. And before he could even reply, Soshiro was left in the empty hallways of Tachikawa base.

The sudden absence made him slacken, who had gotten so used to your comforting presence. But in spite of his disappointment, he somehow found himself smiling on his own.

It sure is strange hearing someone say that to him.

Mina Ashiro may have been the first to ask of him. To request an offer for his help in the field. His assistance would prove helpful in the face of her attacks, which was made for long ranged weaponry. And he had finally gotten a chance to prove his worth to the defense force. By means of paving a path to slay the Kaiju that got in her way.

But you had been the first to offer that yourself. To pave a path for HIM should any Kaiju get in HIS way.

You offered him a chance to shine.

And he'd be damned if he doesn't reach that expectation of yours.

The one who had challenged him to go beyond a greater height than he had ever envisioned himself climbing. To be needed.

It wasn't after half a month later had he come back boasting the highest melee kill count from small to midsize threats of Kaiju. His actions ebbing a spark in the third's outlook on Bladed users. Inspiring a few onslaught of officers to join a few joint training sessions held swordsmanship. The Kendo match between districts has become a much more popular feat than before.

Now, learning the blade wasn't a simple formality anymore. It had been another path forward. And although only a fool would continue to wield a blade instead of the practicality of long ranged weaponry. Hoshina Soshiro had been that very same fool. He who pushed forward like a madman and insisted on using his signature shorthanded blades, despite the odds stacked against him

And Mina Ashiro had placed a great deal of faith in him. Enough to promote him to a platoon leader. And eventually a Vice Captain of the third Division.

And your eyes had never lingered elsewhere in his pursuit.

Often following his line of sight when you'd seen him train on the very confines of the training room. And even now, you had stared directly at him. Unable to look away.

Not when he had entered your lab with the unusual formality of his standard uniform. His star studded pin hooked on the left side of his jacket's chest. An insignia that had been a symbol of his inauguration as the new Vice Captain of Third Division's upper ranks. His title attained by the mere fraction of his efforts and hardwork.

And you dare not face him with such petty grievances like you had in the past. A smile etched on your pretty lips as you greeted him in a mock salute. As if to tell him you had been expecting this day to come.

“Took you a while, Vice Captain. I almost thought you'd given up on me.” Your joke had made him let out a chuckle. Closing the door behind him as he walked up to your place nearest the desk.

“And miss out on yer’ startled face? Never.” He had spoken more informally than you had imagined. Which made you drop the mock salute you had given him. Rolling your eyes as you moved to stand. Heading to the next desk over as he followed you suit.

“I think you're the one that should be startled.” You had hinted with a giddy giggle.

The correction made Soshiro tilt his head. A sort of curiosity washing over him. And you watch as he closes the gap between his and the proximity of your bubble. Braving to graze his shoulders against you as he crosses your side. Eyes magnetized in the way it had seen your pretty smile. “Oh. Didya' have a surprise for me? Didn't peg you as someone who gave gifts often.”

And you lean forward, nearest his chest. As if to whisper your little secret that you've been meaning to show him for a while now. “In case you forgot, let me remind you.”

Upon landing his gaze on the small glass case on the desk, you had moved your hands to slowly remove the top cover. Revealing the two refined swords around the same length of his arms.

The outer casing, its holster. Was tinted purple like his dark hair. The hints of military green had no doubt matched that of their Combat Suit's design. And it veered to life the moment his eyes fell upon the familiar insignia of the Third Division's logo atop of its hilt. A sign that this weapon had been his.

Well at least, he assumed as much. Judging from the proud and almost excited look on your face. “I finished your swords.” You spoke factually. “Just need your verdict on the matter.”

His eyes had widened. This had been a stark difference from his previous blade. The way it was made was measured perfectly to the length of his arms. The sword bent in a grip for just the way he preferred it to. And its tip? The one where a pivot was placed had been an indication that it was designed so that he could connect the two blades. Form it into one long sword, if he truly wished to.

That alone was an indication that this was likely not a normal melee. Made of simple bronze or steel.

No.

This was a bioweapon. Made from Kiaju to kill Kaiju. One that was only granted to the strongest in the Force. One that had been ready for his use. Built in custom to his preferences. And their eyes met, only confirming his suspicions when she had given him an awkward shrug of her shoulders. Acting as if invisible ink had occupied the space between their feet.

“I said I'd make you a weapon that won't break easily, didn't I?” In an instant, a hot flush billowed in his cheeks. Much the same when your normally hidden shyness had finally resurfaced.

The rare times it did, he couldn't help but stare. Far too enraptured in the gap that had swung between your feist and your awkward responses. And he nods in turn. Suddenly aware that you had been doing such a task so diligently to perfection. “I don't know what to say. I didn't think you'd actually make it.”

You hear him chuckle. And your shoulder had pushed him forward. Towards the weaponry you had made for him.“Go on, it's not like anybody else can use it.”

Soshiro had looked at you, hesitant in the way you had so readily offered him such a gift. Your words had been proven in the way your assurances hit his heart. And his hand had a mind of its own as it grabbed the hilt of the blade. Sliding its cover right off so he'd have a chance to see the refined structure of the thinly cut mass of iron.

One he had been accustomed to weilding since he had been born.

Though instead. He was met with the dark shade of a similar material. Stronger than Iron, nor any steel for that matter. It was a blade far too distinct to forget. Luminous in orange hues as if it burned with the same heat that had allowed him to move in the enhancement of his suit.

And it had been clear this weapon was far stronger than the rest of his blade. Bound to cut a Kaiju's outer shell much easier than his previous ones would let him.

And the light one that breathed with an eery calm had reflected his own wine red eyes on the blade. The very movement caused a sound cutting through air when he'd expertly move it with his fingertips.

A sight of which had glued your eyes onto him. Finding his stupor rather mesmerizing than usual. His concentration had not been a rare sight for you, especially when you had caught glimpses of the many nights he'd spend alone in the training room.

But being this close. Seeing the joy nipping at his face. Somehow it makes your heart flutter strangely. And you had to shake your head to snap yourself out of admiration for the man. Suddenly focusing your attention back to blade one which vyed for his approval.

“So, do you like it?”

Soshiro had hummed. The usual grin on his lips remained unphased despite the giddiness in his chest. “Mmm...I ‘spose it's subpar at best.”

“Excuse me? Rude.” He laughs at your comment. And he puts the blade back in its holder. Already placing it on the back of his waist, right where it belonged.

“I'm kidding.” He spoke immediately after. A laugh bellowing from his abs. Though your scrunched nose had made it difficult for you to believe his immediate reply.

“No, I'm serious. You've outdone yourself sweetheart. Never seen a sword this sharp before..” He looks you over, admiring the easy smile on your face. That and the nickname seems to have made your cheeks flare up in surprise.

And he had to remind himself to engrave that very image of you on the back of his mind. Fearing that he may never get to see such a sight again.

“Well say that first! It's kind of difficult reading your facial expressions, you know?” You huffed. Though the easy laughter of his had remained. And a smile soon replaces your hefty frown.

“Sorry, sorry. Is there a price I hafta pay ya’? You know, for making me such a nice weapon and all that.”

You shrug, scooting your way right in front of him where he could just as easily close the gap between the two of you.

Have your chest pressed up against his, hand gripping the plush of your lower back. Admiring the gentle way you'd likely stare up at him with flamed cheeks. But he stops, already feeling too guilty to indulge himself further. And your reply had been quick enough to distract him from any incoming thoughts that had pushed his mind to try and get closer to you.

“Only your help, when it comes to a few suit upgrades.”

Help huh? He supposes this would be a good excuse to go see you more often. Though the simplicity of such a task was a little more suspicious on your part. And he had an inkling you had a few things in mind that involved more than just that.

But then again. He couldn't exactly read you either. Not completely at least.

Not yet.

“Quite demanding, aren't we?” He nods.

You had rolled your eyes at his teasing.

“You're the one that offered. But fine, be like that.” You had crossed your arms. Already backing away, and you had felt the way he had firmly pulled you back. Hand against your elbow. Making you face him whilst he tilted his head in your direction.

“Now, now..I never said anything about refusing you didn't I?” He chuckles. And the deep rumble makes your stomach churn in small caterpillars. Ready to form butterflies should he continue.

“Wasn't that already implied?” You spoke. Aware of the way his palms had steadied you by the elbows. The hint of warmth against his skin was almost tantalizing to make you lean forward. But before you had the chance to, he let you go. Leaving only an inch of space between the both of you.

“Shh..” His finger had raised itself against your lips. Shushing you before you could make another smart quip at him that was sure to insight another bout of witty banter. One that he knew he'd grown accustomed to in the future.

“I was just messing with ya'” He laughs. Only confirming that he had been hooked indefinitely by you. And he moves his free hand to tug your hair behind your ear.

“Do you, or do you not want to help me?” You had asked incredulously. Already finding his musings rather annoying. But the way he looked at you had your breath caught in your throat.

His gaze, although clouded by the silent promise to himself. Had not seen the way you too had a similar look on your face. And whether or not you had been aware of this promise. It doesn't fail to make your heart pick up its pace. His voice was almost reminiscent of prayer when he spoke your name in a whisper.

“I do want to help.” He spoke slowly. And your eyes flutter closed wondering if his touch would linger for a bit longer. But his fingertips remained curt. Pulling back just as soon as it grazed your skin.

“And how do I know you're being serious?”

“All ya’ have to do is call me. And I’ll Certainly be Yours, if you want me to.”

And he meant it. He was sincere in his intention to get close to you. To help you like you had sworn to him. Use his skill to protect you, should you ever need it.

And somehow, he is reminded of the time his brother had spoken to him long ago. Back when they were kids, dueling with simple bamboo swords back in the peace of their own home. Eating those childhood rice balls in the afterhours of their respective schools.

Soichiro be damned. Because somehow he was correct in his predictions. His words were every bit of a mockery to his craft. And although it was a rare sight to have him be soft in his presence.

Somehow, that was the one time he did so dissolutely.

And now, it looks like he's found someone who needs him. With or without that blade of his.

And this time, there was genuinely no sense of mockery in the way he had met you.

He only hoped he wasn't too late.

#anime #kn8 #kaiju no. 8 #hoshina soshiro x reader #soshiro hoshina #hoshina soshiro #kaiju no 8 x reader #kn8 x reader #hoshina soichiro #mina ashiro #konomi okonogi #kaiju number 8 #kaiju #Kaiju no 8 B Side Manga #hoshina x reader #Vice Captain Hoshina #soshiro hoshina x reader

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idontmindifuforgetme · 1 year ago

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u don’t have to answer this if u don’t want to or u feel u don’t have anything to say on it (obvi) but how do u deal with jealousy and comparison?

i genuinely just like my shit. i love how i look like, i love my stuff, i love where i come from, i love my family and friends, and i appreciate all the circumstances (good and bad) that have led me to be the person i am today. i've done a lot of esteemable things that have bolstered my confidence growing up, like getting an extremely hard degree and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone more than ever before. i treat other people w kindness and respect. i make sure to be a source of support rather than needless negativity. what people think of me (or have) doesn't get under my skin anymore, bc i've already proven my worth to myself. the fact of the matter is, i'll always hold my own opinion of myself higher than i do other people's opinions of me. i'm at a place where i just don't care that much. i've lost the need to correct people on their takes of me a long time ago.

my own happiness is king--everything else is secondary. if i like it, that's enough for me.

i find it pointless to compare myself to somebody else, simply because no two people have been dealt the exact same cards. i wouldn't compare a rose to a lily, so why should i be comparing myself to people who're--no matter who they are, no matter where they're from--never gonna be me? i'm me. the only person i should be comparing myself to is my past self. i am only in competition w myself. that is all.

as for jealousy, viewing people who have things i want as proof of concept has really helped. if another person gets a higher score on a test, i don't get jealous that they outdid me. i just view them as proof that i can get that score if i studied more efficiently. someone else's success isn't a lack of your own--it's just proof you can reach that success, even if the route doesn't look exactly the same, even if it might take longer.

contentment is entirely subjective. i've known wealthy people who're incredibly miserable. i've known people who struggle financially but could not be happier. other people's advantages don't rattle me, bc i don't care about them, bc i'm so eternally grateful for what i already have. i've also never really been that materialistic to begin with, so i've always understood that a person's worth lies in who they are rather than what they own (whether it be things, money, opportunities...). i can say w my whole chest that i wouldn't swap places w the most famous, most rich celebrity there is. i legitimately don't want to. i know that even if i have to work harder for things, i'll have more to say by the end of it all, and that in and of itself is so profound. not to mention the satisfaction from having challenged myself to get there--and i love a good challenge.

i've unleared the idea that i should view other women as competition. life is hard, we all struggle, we'll be living in a man's world for a long time, and it's just not worth the energy. yeah i'm ambitious, but not at the expense of other people. there's enough room for everyone. another woman's achievement doesn't mean less space for mine. we'll all be fine.

w all that said!! there are bad days. no human is just confident all the time, doesn't feel jealous all the time, doesn't compare themself all the time, doesn't let people's opinions get under their skin all the time. don't feel bad for doing it every now and then. it's natural and normal and just part of the human experience. nobody is perfect. just focus on you, view other people as inspiration rather than competition, and compare your progress to nobody else's but your own. it's been a game changer for me :)

#ask

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stetsil · 30 days ago

Text

I am not very good with words or the art of speaking them. I hope you can understand that sometimes it's just easier for me to put my feelings and emotions on paper, or in this case in a text note on a fancy phone.

I wanted to try to explain to you just how much you mean to me and all the things you make me feel on a daily basis, if I'm being honest. I'd like to first start off by saying that I have struggled with my self worth and love in general for my entire life. Shoutout to my parents for the trauma. But you have filled me with such a sense of security, familiarity, and comfortability that I have not experienced. Seriously, like, ever. I cannot begin to express just how fucking grateful I am for you coming into my life. You have given me the hope that I have always searched for. You give me hope that there is a better tomorrow. Truthfully.

You are seriously the first(sometimes second) thought I have in the morning when I wake up. You are the only person I want to talk to all day. Our conversations are nothing short of absolute fucking insanity and I fucking love it. The way we can have deep intellectual and emotional conversations at one moment and then flip it into an absolute goof fest to them being lovey dovey and GAY blows my mind. No one has ever been able to keep up with my energy when it comes to that. And honestly, I'm kinda glad because now I have you.

I have never asked someone out so quickly in my life. Even when I was a stupid teenager who thought I was in love with every girl I talked to. OH, my apologies, I didn't ask you. I have also NEVER told someone that I was taking them out like that. I wouldn't have ever dreamed of doing something like that. And then we started talking. I knew you were special from our first interaction... WHAT IS LIFE will forever be yours and mine together. 💜

What I don't think I really ever told you was just how big of a crush I used to have(? Still have? I guess lol) on you. I was practically obsessed with you for a while babe. Hell, I'm still fucking obsessed just WAY more now than ever before.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life and I can honestly say now that they weren't mistakes. They were part of my journey home to you, my love. (Jesus Christ, yeah that was gay as fuck, I know, just keep reading)

Have you ever met someone that completely changed your outlook on life? Whether it be for the negative or positive? Like someone shows you their true form and beauty and then all of a sudden life is just... different. Well, you have completely done that for me. I mean I'm still a depressed, anxious, manic, insane, and psychotic piece of shit but the pure joy, happiness, bliss, peace, and hope that you have given me will be carried with me for the rest of my life. I am eternally grateful for you.

My face has been in pain since that first Tumblr message. I have literally never laughed and smiled as much as I have these last couple weeks. God, I even think I wouldn't be able to stop smiling even if we were just laying together in bed, doing nothing at all. I mean it would probably be hard for the both of us to keep our hands and lips to ourselves, if I'm being honest.

I can genuinely say I have never really been, how do I put this?

I have never been addicted to a person before. I don't know how to explain what this feeling is. But, I just want to kiss you forever and ever. I want to look into your eyes for the rest of my days. I want to see all of you. I want to be there on your bad days when you want to shut the world out. I want to be there on your good days when you feel invincible. I want everything with you. I want the museum dates. The adventures. The mountains to climb and roads to travel.

I know, I know, this is all super sappy and you're probably thinking to yourself one of two things at this point. You're either petrified cause honestly what the fuck is wrong with me, right? We've been talking for 2 weeks and I'm saying all of this. OR maybe you agree with a lot of this stuff. I am hoping for the latter, obviously.

Now the fun part.... I have never experienced this feeling I have in my heart at this moment for you. When I look into your eyes, I see a future with you. I see us old and decaying still saying dumb shit like "title of your sex tape" or "douche canoe". I see a life lived full of beautiful memories. And I see you being the most wonderful role model to my beautiful boys.

This next part might be tough to hear but I haven't stopped thinking about it. It might scare you and you might think I'm wrong or haven't thought it through but I promise it hasn't left my fucking head.

I fucking love you. I really fucking do. And I know that's a big feeling and probably a lot to take in so please take your time to process it. I almost slipped and said it to you last weekend multiple times. I may be stupid in many ways and areas but I know my feelings. And I know when I meet someone that I don't EVER want to lose. I need you to know that it's very very okay if you don't feel the same way. And it's okay if you never do. But I don't want to regret not telling you.

I have big feelings and I feel them deeply and I don't want to be afraid of them anymore. You have given me the courage to be more open and honest with myself and those around me. I really hope you stick around for a long long while, my love 💜

I love you.

#my thoughts #love letter #to my love #my girl #my moon #i love you #🥰

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zvtara-was-never-canon · 1 year ago

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I honestly hate how the shipping discourse for the show is all about which guy Katara should end up with and no one questions why we think Katara needs a boyfriend by the end or if she should have had one. Like the big problem with Kataang is it's treatment as necessary. I guarantee that a canon Zutara would have been similarly mocked and derided for how forced it was that these characters who had maybe three scenes of positive interaction in the whole show would suddenly be made the endgame couple in the finale, like it would be far more infamous than Kataang.

I don't agree that Kataang was treated as "necessary" as in "Katara NEEDS a boyfriend because a female character NEEDS to have a romance arc/subplot because that is a RULE of writting, not an optional thing to add to a story" but rather as in "This was literally set up, foreshadowed and developed from the beginning and we're not throwing it away just because the fandom latched onto a different idea" which is how good storytelling works.

Katara had plenty of moments that developed and challenged her as a character without romance being a factor. Her friendship with Aang was equally as meaningful and important to the story as their romance. Kataang might not be everyone's cup of tea - hell, for a while I was only lukewarm on it myself - but it is very far from this "problem" people act like it was.

But you are fully correct when you say Zutarians tend to act like Katara is only worth anything if she's with Zuko - that's why the overwhelming majority of them disregard EVERYTHING about her character to pretend she was "just Aang's girl even though Zuko is better" and their fanfics/headcanons have her do things like move to HIS nation, marry him and be FIRE Lady, dress only in RED, only care about the politics of HIS nation, and their kids only ever inherit HIS title and home (even in stories in which the South actually has stuff).

They disrespect and disregard Katara WAY more than the show or any Kataang fan I've ever seen ever did. The series actually treated her with a lot of respect - again, I'll never stop pointing this out, we hear HER backstory and motivations in the first minute of the show, while Zuko and Aang only got the same threatment 11 episodes later. The writers even made her suddenly go from "struggling to learn waterbending without a teacher" to "Self-taught prodigy" because they realized there'd be more opportunities for her character to shine if she was already great at it.

#anti zutara #pro kataang #pro katara

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elcor-thespian · 6 months ago

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What's your Rooks favourite place to be? Like either in the lighthouse or adventuring. Do they throw everything to the side to go to Arlathan Forrest any chance they get? Do they prefer the music room to the library?

Ok when I tell you that I am generally so touched somebody asked me a question in response to my most recent post. I have been on this site for 10+ years and no one really ever interacts with me. And this is such a great question! Please answer it too and tag me so I can read it!

Answering below because this is going to be long

My canon Rook is Nephele Mercer, and my first thought in response to this was the the market in Traviso. Nephele had a pretty horrific childhood, and once she ran away from home she's been sort of building the bridge out in front of her to make ends meet. Even with the Shadow Dragons she never really felt safe or like she could relax. She is also fascinated by luxury because she's never had anything nice.

It's hard to explain but some combination of the purple lanterns and the warm night air makes her feel like she can finally slow down. It feels homey in a way she doesn't know how to describe. The first time she saw it when they were rushing past with Teia all she wanted to do was stay behind and look around. And the second she got to go back she visited every single stall and talked to everyone she could. Probably also bought more than she could afford.

And fast forward to her being the wife of the First Talon, she absolutely refuses any discounts anyone tries to give her. She pays people what they're worth, and then some.

Now I also have 6 other OCs that while they aren't the protagonist of the game, they are all also present a the Lighthouse and are associates of Varrics. They also all have bird code names because I think I'm cute.

Nasreen "Raven" Aldwir: I actually think that Nasreen's bedroom is the music room. She likes to be alone, and she likes small dark quiet places, so it's a great place for her to hide out in. She also is a musician (a huge inspiration for her character was the elven instrument that you can have in Rook's bedroom). At the beginning of the game she would borrow stacks of books from Emmrich and hide out in her room for hours, occasionally going back to ask questions. Eventually she got more comfortable staying in Emmrich's office and reading on the couch.

Aleksei "Magpie" Laidir: This boy must be near to water at all times. He grew up on an island and now he's a sailor. But literally any body of water will do. Lake in Arlathan, beaches of Rivain, canals of Treviso. He's like a duck.

Konstantin "Wren" Ingellvar: I don't know that Konstantin has ever felt comfortable anywhere, bless him. He probably feels most comfortable in the halls of the Necropolis because at least he understands the rules there, and he can spend a lot of time alone without questions. His life's goal is to not to be noticed, but he's a 7'2" Qunari built like a brick shit house. I think after a few weeks his favorite place to be is the library, because that's where the most people who are happy to see him are likely to be (I'm sobbing. I love him)

Paloma "Dove": Paloma is also a Shadow Dragon (There's 6 backgrounds but 7 romances, so someone's got to be the bonus Jonas). Paloma and Elspeth (below) are the two I've played the least so I don't have them as fleshed out. I think she likes to be around people, but struggles to talk to them. Paloma is an escaped Sarebaas, and she's still not used to talking or other people expecting her to say something. She likes people watching, either in the Shadow Dragon hide out, at bars, marketplaces, or at the docks. She feels very protective of Minrathous, the place that took her in when she needed a place to go, so part of her people watching is being ready to shut shit down if she sees trouble starting.

Elspeth "Crow" de Riva: My first instinct is to say "wherever Harding is", because she is Lace's self elected body guard, but that feels too easy. She's definitely a city kid, and growing up as a Crow means she's a night owl. I actually think she spends a lot of time at home. Or wherever Viago is so that she can annoy him. I wonder what it says about them that I can best describe them in their relationship to other people?

Brenna "Kestral" Thorne: For a long time Brenna would have considered anywhere with a high concentration of Wardens to be her favorite place. Being a Warden means she is constantly shuffled around, so she doesn't get attached to places easily. 6 months after the events of the game, she gets permission to go watch over the griffons in Arlathan, essentially on mental health leave. She ends every day watching the sunset with the griffons on the hillside where she and Davrin had their picnic.

So yeah this was really fun! Would love to answer some more if anyone is interested.

#dragon age #datv #dragon age the veilguard #dragonage #datv spoilers #dragon age spoilers #dragon age: the veilguard #my ocs #send asks

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lostsoulaltair · 1 year ago

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Owari no Seraph Chapter 133 - Analysis & Review

Hello everyone, it's been a goddamn while; I've been busy with things, also learning constantly a new language; thus, given that I did like the latest chapter, I wanted to talk or discuss about it; as always, feel free to discuss, disagree, or share your thoughts; though of course, the only thing I request is respect.

Thus let's proceed

A destroyed world a talk about the "meaning of life" & "what it means to live". At the end, we're young.

The chapter might joke a lot between the girl's conversation which it might feel unnecesary or perhaps not worth it but given how the two characters were build; Shinoa is the type of character that does know when there's certain tension when someone is concerned about her.

But let's focus on something more important; the chapter begins with Mitsuba finally finding Shinoa who has been far away from her squad after Guren, Mahiru, Krul and company left to most likely the place where Yuu is.

Mitsuba after for so long finally made an appearance which is something I'm glad for; and as a good friend, she shows her concern given that she's never seen Shinoa act out of her usual demanor.

Something that I do find adorable is the very fact that Mitsuba is trying to be supportive given that there is a weight being carried on Shinoa's shoulders; while it's true Shinoa has never spoken about what she endured as a child; Mitsuba does want to understand her friend and no matter what might happen, they're there for her.

Thus leading to the next panel; Shinoa has always seen herself as a character with no value or rather, that thanks to her existance, the lives of innocents were screwed given that she was compatible with the monster that made sure the world ended in the way it is.

But once again, Mitsuba does convey the message of how Yoichi, Kimizuki and her feel towards her given that there's absolutely no one to reasure her that her life is as valuable as others.

And of course, we got the author with its weird interest on female bodies but; jokes aside from such panel; there's an aspect of truth to it. They are teenagers, they're no longer kids; they're characters that were forced to grow up at a very young age, forced to change to endure all the struggles of their surroundings to the point they had to mimic adults in a sense.

Many might find it pointless, boring, and perhaps even unrelated but the very fact that they touched the emotions of Shinoa does lead to a heavier topic.

Such topic is reflected in the next panel:

While it's true that Yuu has constantly talked about "a reason to live", "family", "friends", etc. Yuu does not know the weight of those words; he says he's going to save everyone, but in order to save somoene, there are consequences, losses and the sort in such path; nothing can be obtained for free in life and that's something that perhaps he might face eventually.

Returning with the squad, Mitsuba at first dismisses such question about the "meaning of life".

There is a huge relevance to the question; and this of course, reflects to the very first issue; that they've been working on how to save their lives that they haven't ever thought about themselves.

While it is very common to see that whenever someone says "that person thinks about themselves" it can come in a negative connotation; but that's not entirely the case; there's a difference between being selfish and understanding one's self.

When it comes to being selfish, it does relate about not caring a bit about what your actions may eventually do to others, how much harm you may cause due to them, willingly or not; it is literally dismissing a reason to as to why there may be something halting something one may want.

But, when it comes to understanding one's self; it is not only a superfitial level of understanding; it is knowing what one person may want, may long, may fight for, what may make them sad, what may anger them, etc.

In this case, Mitsuba realized that she has never given a deep thought to what she, as Mitsuba Sanguu truthfully wants. She grew up to be a soldier, to battle every time in order to protect those who couldn't protect themselves but with the development of the squad, it was not just a journey of sticking together, it was a journey of finding out that love can develop after getting to meet someone.

Eventually, Mitsuba does understand that it's not the typical joke mood or non serious conversation but rather a very important one.

In the next panel, Mitsuba's first longing or desire was to be acknowledged or to be validated. To be recognized; which of course, Shinoa mentions that she does understand that and it is true; Shinoa as a child did want validation from everyone or rather, instead of the term "validation", what it is more proper is "recognition or acknowledgement of existance".

True, in the current chapter Shinoa mentions she was luckier given that they never bothered with her; there's a difference between Mitsuba and Shinoa, which was showing what they could do in order to seek that. Mitsuba tried her best to show that she too held talent; alas with Shinoa, she simply ditched the idea, there was no reason to even fight about it.

But thanks to the very fact that she remembered what Mahiru did even if I too, agree that it was a really harsh method; she did know that at least someone cared about her existance.

Mitsu states that Shinoa was loved in contrast to her that no one loved her; which makes Shinoa to reasure her that she does love Mitsuba. And of course, while it's true that the original source uses the kanji Ai (愛) it does not carry a romantic context (Yes I've been studying if you wonder and there's still a longer way ahead).

Shinoa is reasuring Mitsuba that she too is loved; just like how Mitsuba expressed on her best way that Yoichi, Kimizuki and her cared about Shinoa's safety; Shinoa too knows that the squad itself cares about each other; after all, they're a small family that can only encourage each other to keep going.

But here comes something important that perhaps it might be to personal interpretation but Shinoa does state something important:

Because love exists for someone, it does not mean that's the sole reason to the meaning of life or for a reason to live.

What does that mean?

Us as humans, be in the different envioroments we end up growing, we end up finding purposes for our existance, sometimes it takes longer, other times we have certainty that we found out what we want to do with our lives; along such trail, we will find friends, perhaps a person we might fall in love; we might suffer about a heartbreak or two or so on; but despite that, it's a path we've chosen to walk because very independent of the bonds we forge along the way; there are things we want to do out there, we long for new experiences, new insights, new spots to visit, and of course, we can never suspend the time; we grow up, we mature, we gain interest in other things as we grow which is visible how from childhood, we change a lot when we become teenagers, so as adults too, we change.

In Shinoa's case, she is truthful that she does not find value to her life, given how many chains of events involving her lead to misfortune for others; but despite that, she is thankful that there are people out there that do love her despite the harm her existance may has brought up upon Earth.

Nevertheless, we get a follow up, once Shinoa expressed herself, Mitsuba asks her directly about Yuu's acknowledgement, recognition or validation. Which of course, she responds honestly to it.

It hurts; and it is natural that it hurts her; it's the first time she fell in love with someone but not in the same way Mahiru did, not in the same turn of events Mahiru went through; after all, it's something I'll discuss a bit further from here. Let's continue.

Shinoa eases the mood by asking Mitsuba about how she feels towards Yuu which of course she knows very well that she too has a crush on him. But despite that many might feel the conversation as pointless, there's something certain to the panel itself; it is letting the weight and torment of many mixed emotions go, finally opening up to someone who understands you, to have someone you can trust unconditionally.

The mood eventually soothes to the point the two of them are in peace; having talked about such things when they've never had the opportunity to act like teenage girls, it was a rather refreshing experience for them.

I can't say that's correct or not but even in movies that face the end of the world, characters tend to talk about things they long to do and the sort.

Once Mitsuba asks Shinoa about her first real reason to live; one could understand that it is left to free interpretation given that both girls are simply enjoying their youth; they still haven't found a very truthful reason as to why they're there but for now; they did understand something.

Life is not just about existance, it's more than just hoping validation or acknowledgment, it is akin to what exactly you want to experience, it is about what you want to do instead of what others want you to do.

This leads to the new path I've mentioned before and this shall be discussed in the next point

Moving onwards to a new goal

After a girl's talk; Mitsuba points out about Shinoa's talent that is way above Mahiru's; such talent has always been hinted since the LNs were created.

Shinoa mentions that given that at that time she lacked a motive along goals within her reach; and of course, even Shikama pointed it out that she lacked desires, there was not so much she could do despite being more powerful than Mahiru, nevertheless, Mitsuba is aware Shinoa has gained something she lacked from the very beginning. Confidence.

This leads for Shinoa to have a discussion with her squad, but of course, they were eavesdropping the girls; they gave them their privacy. While they too are clumsy, reckless, immature in general, they too understand that people need some time alone to recollect their thoughts; they understand that there are things that sometimes can only be discussed with a certain someone not because of a lack of interest but rather because there is something that can be conveyed way better.

But very independent of that, it just reflects that Yoichi and Kimizuki have been worried as well about the girls after Yuu's departure along Guren and Vampires.

The next scene is actually something I am rather thankful that I actually thought I'd never see in the story in general; and that is the very fact that they're taking independent action for once; they're no longer following Guren's orders, they're no longer following a vampire's guidance that ends up falling in Guren's hand or Shikama's; nor they are following Yuu's wishes but rather; they're trying to open up a new path but exclusively for what they do label as "family".

Within the squad members, Kimizuki, Yoichi and Mitsuba long to see their families back due to the unfair deaths they had; Shinoa despite not having someone to call family or rather simply accepting the course of nature; she does want to see her friends having their families back, she has seen them struggle, she has seen the desperation of Kimizuki, the longing of Yoichi to have a miracle granted. But instead of following someone else's agenda given that Guren and Mahiru do have knowledge that they simply won't share to the squad; it is the first step for them to walk and open a new path for them.

Shinoa is very aware that their knowledge is limited, along the fact that they're not on an equal ground in terms of power; but given that now she does have confidence and something else; as I mentioned briefly in the other point; Shinoa has a deep understanding that the actions her sister took, do not defind her present or future nor how she will eventually turn out; such outcomes are only decided by her alone and if she wants to create a path along her friends, she has to fight for it giving away for the first time, the real power she has within her.

The very fact that Kiseki-O and Gekkouin were manifested by force instead by their wielders says something about what Shikama sought with Shinoa, what could it be?

Correct. Shikama or Sika Madu, was once an angel that served God but due to his arrogance, he lost his path leading to his eternal punishment for it; but even still, even if the angels that fell with him deemed or viewed him as a God. There was something even the reincarnations of such Fallen Angels were never subjected to.

Absolute control.

And thanks to reading the RAW version of the catastrophe at 16 manga; the purpose of Mahiru and Shinoa at the beginning was to control the punishment the Seraph of the End experiment held. But in contrast to Mahiru; Shinoa was born capable to control demons, she was capable of seeing them from a very young age but given that she has motivation along an objective; that power finally has shined. Leading to a new battle:

Perhaps you, dear readers may wonder how Shinoa was able to connect with Shikama despite him sending her off or cutting their ties; and of course, she does mention there was a small connection; truth to be told; even if Shikama wanted, she was born with him; they were together ever since she came to existance, hence that even if he tried to severe his ties to her, there will be something chaining him down.

And of course, the battle between Shinoa and Shikama has begun

Shikama gave away his power for light BUT, given that Shinoa could devour such darkness; it can only lead this

All the power that came from God's light may be stored in Shinoa's body and as they say, even if darkness tries to consume light; light always finds a way to cast aside the shadows that darkness creates.

Quite long huh? What do you think?

Let me know!!

#owari no seraph #seraph of the end #ons #ons spoilers #ons chapter 133 #seraph of the end 133 #shinoa hiragi #mitsuba sangu #shikama doji #sika madu #gekkoin #kiseki-o #shiho kimizuki #yoichi saotome #mahiru hiragi #guren ichinose #yuichiro hyakuya #analysis and review

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kaythejay · 13 days ago

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I've been on Ao3 for 8 years now, which is an insane statement for me to make. It doesn't feel like it has been nearly that long.

This post is a giant reflection of that time just because I have a lot of Feelings going on right now. I'm putting it under the cut if you're interested, but I don't want it to be taking up too much of your dash.

TW for discussions of death, depression, suicide, parental abuse

I originally joined because I had heard that it was a really good place to read fanfics, though I had no intention of ever posting anything myself. I was a writer, have been for my entire life, but I had never really written a fanfic that I felt should be out in the world before.

It was actually my birthday when I posted my very first fic. It was a Dan and Phil AU set in a universe where they never met until years later. I've just reread it for the first time in a long time, curious about how my writing has changed over the years. It is short and clunky and does not nearly have the focus on the emotions that were going on that I would put into it if I were to rewrite it today. Yet, I still feel like it was a good fic. On a technical level, no. But it was really the beginning of somthing great.

Scrolling through the titles of my fics from that time really just reminded me of how much I was struggling with myself. Most of them have something to do with death of some kind. Which just all makes sense to me with what I would have been dealing with at the time (my own depression/suicidal thoughts and the death of a friend). Honestly, it was a little hard for me to go through and see that because I had forgotten how much of it had been like that because that was the biggest way I was able to cope with what was going on in my own life at the time.

Even in my Good Omens fics, which came later, you can see the shift in when I was still struggling and when my life started to become better.

Honestly, you can tell that doubly so from when I went from writing very, very prolifically (I wrote 667,000 words words in 2021) to not writing nearly as much (writing 8,000 words in 2024). 2022 ended up being a massive turning point in my life for me. The December before it began, I left the person who wasn't good for me and honestly as borderline abusive (I wouldn't say that they were abusive, but I do think we may have been heading in that direction). For most of the year, I hammered down in school and just turned my focus towards becoming the best teacher that I can be.

That August (Augst 4, 2022), I officially got with the person who was going to eventually become my fiancée (she hasn't proposed yet, but it is coming soon). And that was a real turning point for me.

Being with her and seeing her relationship with her mom was the push that I needed to see that the relationship with my mom was not worth saving. Yeah, they had their moments, but J's mom has NEVER made J feel anything close to what my mom used to make me feel. J's mom made me feel, for the first time in my life, what it would be like to have a mom in my life. It was a hard decision to go full no contact with her, but my life has been so, so, SO much better for it. And in taking my mom out of my life, I have made room for a lot more self-love, which has been incredibly healing for all of the damage that my mom did.

And last summer, I took a giant leap. I decided to move across my state, away from everything I have ever known in order to be closer to my partner (which has also put me closer to my school). THAT choice has done WONDERS for my mental health and I truly feel hopeful and optimistic about my future for the first time ever. I've recently realized that I no longer have a question on if the world would be better off if I was dead. I no longer am actively hoping that something happens to me so I don't have to do it myself.

I am happy consistently for the first time in my life. Good days are no longer a sign of "something is going to go terribly wrong tomorrow/this evening when I get home." Good days are just that. Good days. And at this point in my life, I can have multiple good days in a row, a phenomenon that my younger self felt was fake.

If there was anything I could tell myself when I joined Ao3 is that it will get better. I won't say that the fight is worth it. No one deserves to go through what I went through. But things get better. It sounds cheesy, and every single adult ever says that. But it really, really does.

#kiera speaks #it gets better

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remlionheart · 3 months ago

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⊹ ࣪ ˖ hiii, i've really debated on posting this or not since it is self-ship but i've gotten lot of questions about / requests for more up against the wall lately so i thought i'd give a lil background on where and how their relationship started. up against the wall was originally remzai as well but i converted it to x reader because i know not everyone wants to dive into ocs. this has been in my drafts for awhile though so i'm keeping it as is. sfw / no tws. lemme know whatcha think (i have a ton of these remzai snippets if you guys end up liking them lol), luv u ♡⊹ ࣪ ˖

It was the third time in four weeks that Rem had lost control, destroying yet another civilian building and once again putting Port Mafia in even more unanticipated hot water. Mori’s patience with her had been wearing thin since he’d realized just how hard she was to control— how volatile her emotions were and how directly they were tied to her ability. What he had thought would be a useful tool was proving to be more trouble than she was worth. He’d dealt with his fair share of chaos, but he had completely underestimated the hell that was a teenage girl.

Dazai’s stare had practically been burning holes into her for the entirety of their debriefing. What should’ve been a standard post-mission assessment had turned into a longwinded threat for all three of them. Dazai and Chuuya were supposed to be capable of watching and mentoring her— according to Mori, there was no excuse as to why the two of them weren’t able to stop her from breaking down the way she did. Chuuya had crossed his arms over his chest, mumbling something under his breath about how he never signed up to be a babysitter. Dazai merely nodded, trying to keep his eye-rolling to a minimum.

But Rem…

Rem had sunken into herself completely, one of her usual over-sized cardigans swallowing her whole as she used her bangs to shield herself from the rest of the room. Her hands were visibly shaking at her sides, tears threatening to spill over the more Mori laid into her. The lights flickered faintly above them as she once again struggled to keep her composure. This had become a weekly occurrence— a conversation that only got heavier and more defeating with each time it resurfaced. Her voice was barely above a whisper by the time she left his office, swiftly making an escape down the hall the minute they were dismissed.

Dazai lazily tucked his hands into his pockets, letting his curiosity get the better of him as he found himself following behind her from a distance. In the year that he’d spent working with Port Mafia, he’d never seen anyone quite like her. He was used to hard exteriors and arrogance. People who either never knew when to shut up or those who clung to their anonymity like a sword and shield. She was… soft. Quiet but far too out of place to go unnoticed. Local newspapers had deemed her “The Ghost Girl of Yokohama” after she’d been spotted unexplainably appearing and vanishing around the city as a child, but no one would ever know just how fitting the nickname was for her. She was constantly disappearing— constantly slipping in and out of reality with the way she retreated so wholeheartedly into her own mind when life got too overwhelming.

He rounded the corner, picking up his pace as she headed into the training room, sneaking in right behind her with precisely practiced stealth. With how clouded her mind was from the day that she had, Dazai was able to trail behind her completely undetected. He stood in the corner of the room, hidden behind a stack of crates that were used for combat training when a scream ripped through the soundproof room, her small frame dropping to the floor in frustration as she finally let the tears from earlier pour out without restraint.

He tilted his head, watching the storm begin to unfold. Every crate and piece of workout equipment within a five-foot radius of her was suddenly lifted up off of the ground, an iridescent energy surrounding them before they were promptly slammed into the wall one by one. He felt the ground shake with each object that she sent hurling into oblivion, tears still streaming down her face as her breathing came out in short, desperate intervals.

Mori was right— her emotions were unfettered, but where he saw her unpredictably as something that needed to be disposed of, Dazai saw untapped potential. She wasn’t nearly as erratic as Mori made her out to be, she just required more attention and care than he was willing to give. Her outbursts were frequent, but they weren’t exactly hard to figure out. Nearly every mission that she’d failed had all started off with the same point of error: someone had criticized her.

Dazai watched her from across the room, watched the raw rage that flowed freely around her as she continued on with her wave of destruction. It didn’t take the keenest observer to understand why she behaved the way she did. With her background of being bounced between foster homes after her parents had all but sold her off to the highest bidder, it was no wonder she operated on such a vicious mix of anxiety and perfectionism. She was so conditioned to having to prove her worth that even the slightest critique would send her spiraling.

It wasn’t until the last crate had been obliterated that Dazai finally emerged from the shadows, approaching her with a level of indifference that only he could pull off. “So, you’re the one who keeps wrecking this room, huh?”

Her head immediately snapped towards his, warmth decorating her cheeks as she realized that he’d been there the entire time. Her hands flew to her face, the sleeves of her cardigan dabbing at her glossy eyes. “Please, don’t—” She stammered. “I mean, I’m sure Mori already knows it’s been me, but I…”

“Don’t need another lecture from him?” He finished, crouching down to become eye-level with her, her embarrassment only becoming more transparent the closer he got. “I won’t say anything, but it would probably do you some good to take this anger out somewhere else. Somewhere less… obvious.” He smirked.

Her eyes were wide and hesitant as they met his, her breath catching in her throat as she gave him a low nod. “Yeah,” she said softly, “you’re probably right.”

“There’s an abandoned warehouse about a mile from here— right on the outskirts of the city, hardly any traffic down there. I could take you sometime, if you wanted.”

Her face felt like it had caught fire, her gaze swiftly averting from his as she shook her head in protest. “You don’t have to do that.” Her sleeve catching another rogue tear that had fallen. “I’m a burden enough as it is for you and Chuuya, I don’t want you to—”

The air between them was suddenly thick as his bandaged fingers reached out to pull her hand away from her cheek, leaving her completely vulnerable to his dark stare. “You’re not a burden.”

He kept his touch light and his voice steady as he noted the shift in her demeanor— the palpable sense of relief that seemed to sweep over her from that one sentence alone, like she’d been waiting years just to hear it.

He couldn’t help but wonder if it hurt to be as transparent as she was, to be so see-through that it had only taken him a few short months to figure her out entirely. She didn’t respond well to threats or raised voices— no, what she needed was something much gentler. Someone to encourage and guide her, someone to defend and protect her. Someone who held the confidence and conviction that she lacked.

What had been a severe misstep on Mori’s part was proving to be an impossibly easy opportunity for Dazai as he traced along her jawline, watching the way her pupils dilated for him so effortlessly.

There it was— the one thing that she wanted and feared the absolute most: for someone to finally see her.

#rem writes #remzai #bsd self insert #bsd selfship #bungou stray dogs x oc #osamu dazai x oc #bungou stray dogs #osamu dazai

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panestates · 5 months ago

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I just reorganized my Victoria, Rachel, and Nathan Pinterest boards. links to each board, organization, and miscellaneous notes added under cut because I get antsy when I'm not dedicated to something silly. I will probably update this post if I make any major changes

soooo fun fact these started as a Victoria/Nathan shared board called "dead and buried" in June 2024 but I started to branch off into individual boards for individual characters with specific sections for relationships as I got farther into this hyperfixation!! We love virgoisms!!

each board is fairly self explanatory. the body of each board is dedicated to the character themselves and organized by color - Rachel's board begins in monochrome like Victoria and Nathan's, but her first in-color images are in shades of brown and her board ends in pinks/reds because we only know her as a dead person at first then she comes to life :) the sections are organized by quotes that almost always apply specifically to each section without referring to characters or relationships by name! "⌙" is used for the board sections to designate BAD relationships (eg Nathan and his dad and #that man with Nathan and Rachel), "⟡" designates better relationships (still not great but BETTER! eg kristine and Nathan, Rachel and Chloe, and Victoria and Nathan), while "┊" seperates out quote images because I think they look really clunky in the body of the board! however, each board begins with two quotes and some lyrics :)

Kind of a secret not sure if you could tell but Victoria is my favorite character. I really want to redo the red into orange into yellow into brown into sepia section because I think it's just a leeeedle messy but . It'll be done eventually. you'll notice a lot of Audrey Horne images here it's because I'm a fucking NERD. I need to stop adding images of Oxford shoes but I don't want to. the description quote is from episode 4, "I know how this art game has to be played. it's brutal" is also from episode 4, "like brother-sister or something" is said by Taylor in episode 4 too what the fuck, and "she already has everything she wants, doesn't she" is said or written by max during episode 1... aren't you glad I didn't say episode 4. I've been on the fence about naming the quote section either "et in arcadia ego" or "everywhere you go, there I am" but I like them both too much! by the way it's really hard to find images for the Victoria and her parents section (said about relationship that was never actually developed or mentioned or implied to be something worth analyzing up until one very specific line in episode 4)! I am the most proud of this board than I am any other board I've ever made!! it is my baby and I get really angry when I see images get taken down from it. I've wanted to put in a Rachel/Victoria section for a long time now but I think all the images I'd put in it would not be allowed on Pinterest OR SOMETHING

this is my most recent solo board - Rachel originally shared a board with Chloe called "fire walking" and just received her own board because she's been on my mind more lately :) I'll probably create a solo Chloe board one of these days but I think I only have like 40 images dedicated to her right now while Victoria/Rachel/Nathan all have well over 150+ 🥲 you can't blame me all she does is smoke weed have blue hair and die!! but!! Rachel's board is still a work in progress, I'm just trying very hard not to be generic.. I struggle so often with character boards and playlists where I don't want to have the same images and songs as all the other boards and playlists even if that sounds pretentious and silly! with Rachel's board, I tried to really focus on a ghost/deer/faceless/california motif and I hope it doesn't come across as too repetitive. "the last binder in the row reads 'Rachel'" is from the episode 1 script but it's empty right now because I'm scared, "...in the dark room" is from episode 3 and is sort of a cop out but fuck you (I almost named it dark room junkyard besties but absolutely not), "fire walking" is from before the storm and it is also the only acknowledgement I'll ever make of before the storm and I am also trying sofucking hard to find an amberprice quote I like from the first game so I can get rid of any mention of bts, and "you can't cover over that sunlight" is said by Samuel about Rachel's missing person posters in episode 1! fun fact: her board and Victoria's board have images from the same photoshoot but with different models!

Nathan my boy forever. Sorry. sucks. I will always choose the ending where he's murdered. I have nothing interesting to say honestly.when I made that post like "what color is Nathan's hair I can't look at him long enough without laughing" that was so serious I have no fucking clue what his hair color is so a lot of these images are redheads some are dark haired!! it;s like a rorschach test. the description quote is from the episode 2 Jefferson lecture before Kate kills herself, "I told him what he needed to hear" is from episode 5 - I was on the fence about making it something from the Jefferson sms message "you want me to treat you like an adult who can get things done on his own? impress me. I'd like nothing more than to be proud of you. I'm not there yet." because I think it characterizes their relationship super well but I couldn't choose a part I liked most, "you'll thank me someday" is from Sean's email in episode 4, "I miss you and your pictures" is from Kristine's email in episode 4 (I also have a private board dedicated to her but it's pretty barren so I doubt it'll ever see the light! it's called "back to the mangrove!") and "kill the rich kid" is said by Hayden in episode 1 :)

#You have a really high opinion of me

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lumine-no-hikari · 1 year ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #147

Today had a lot of stuff in it. I'm not even sure where to begin!! There were kites, and lilacs, and therapy, and good scenery, and...!!! And...!!! Oh!!! 😄🥰

Well. It's usually best to begin at the beginning, right? So… I went to therapy and told them all about the thing I did on Mother's Day. I told them all the context leading up to it, and all the similar struggles I've had in the past and about how I've been trying extra hard the last week to resist giving in to those struggles, and… my body was likely craving the endorphins that I wasn't getting because I wasn't doing that thing, and so it manifested in other ways. Whoops.

So the solution for the next time I struggle is not to resist giving in per se, but rather to be mindful and present and aware while it's happening, and to take note of my feelings and general state of being so that I can approach it from a place of curiosity instead of a place of shame. Apparently, when a person does that, it breaks the shame cycle, which then allows a person to stop doing the compulsive behavior. Suppose it's worth giving it a try!!

…It's really not lost on me how lucky I am to have a therapist who actually GETS me and doesn't judge me. It's not often that I get to go somewhere and speak, and feel like the other person actually understands me. Time with them is invariably refreshing, and they always have some useful skill or tool for me to practice on my own, until next session.

Most importantly, they're definitely not afraid to challenge my more... ah… self-effacing thought processes. I recall a few sessions ago, when I was confused about why someone important to me hangs out with me, on the basis that I am not anything special, and surely he must have better things to do than to hang out with some weird dyspraxic noodley dweeb like me. And they countered with, "But aren't all humans special and wonderful in their own way? And doesn't it mean that you're special and wonderful, too?" and… I couldn't logically refute the notion, because I am a human, and yes I do believe very strongly that all humans make the world brighter and beautiful in the way that only they know how to do. And they gave me this grin, because they knew they had me, and all I could do was laugh at my own silliness and try to change my perspective. I work every day on viewing myself with more compassionate eyes, one step at a time.

In any case, the one gentleman with the hair that looked like a dandelion poof was there today afterwards, and he stopped to chat! I wondered if he had ever tried bubble tea, and he has not, so we have exchanged contact information, and maybe we'll go get bubble tea someday!! He has been alive for 70 years, and has had many experiences and has his own areas of expertise, and I'm excited to find out what I might be able to learn if I sit with him and listen for a while! It'll be good!!

Then I got home and spent a few hours plucking more lilac blossoms from the greens; I got like 7 or 8 cups of blossoms, and there are still so many more leftover!

Once they're plucked, you have to steep them in hot water until it becomes fragrant. I like to put them on very low heat with a lid until it makes the house smell good!

(I still have so many lilacs leftover, oh my goodness!)

But this can take a while, and it was breezy, so J and I went out to try to fly the kites I got; I wanna practice before I modify that eagle kite; I REALLY don't want it to crash once it's ready. J and I took all sorts of pictures for you!

We spent a long time just being silly, trying to get the kites in the air:

(Why, yes, that is you in my pocket, with a little bow in your hair!)

...You might guess that after all that, I ended up falling down, dizzy and giggling, ahahaha~!

But then, after a while, we managed to get the hang of it; check it out!

J worked hard to get the eagle kite up. My circumstance was a little unusual in that mine was suddenly lifted high up into the sky with little to no effort on my part, and it stayed up for a very long time; I was surprised, and it was kinda weird, hahaha!

Br came to see us in this place, too!! By then, I was pretty tired though, so we just lied down in the grass and talked about various things while the wind played with our hair; it was wonderful!

...I also took some pictures of the scenery, just because I know you like nature...

...Oh, and I managed to snag a picture of a bird-of-prey that was actually pretty good this time!

Oh, oh, oh, and!!! Along the way, while we were flying the kites, I found three great big black feathers on the ground!! Aren't they so pretty?

Here's a better picture of them after I carefully washed them and smoothed them out. My hand is there for scale; they're HUGE!

They're beautiful and I love them!!! These went right into my feather box!!!! I was so happy!!! 😄🥰😁

...I hope you can see, with these pictures, that shiny black feathers like yours are beautiful and lovely, too. White ones are also nice. Feathers are just pretty; it doesn't matter what color they are. Yours, too, are good. Please try hard not to be ashamed of them, okay? Humans come in all shapes and sizes and numbers of limbs, and it's wonderful that you get to have a limb that's warm and soft and strong enough to let you fly. It's different, but that doesn't make it less. I hope you'll work on viewing yourself with more compassionate eyes; you can do it - just take it one step at a time.

Anyway, when we got home, the stewed lilac blossoms smelled SO GOOD:

I gotta strain this with a cheesecloth tomorrow and squish out all the water I can from the petals. After that, it'll be time to heat it up again and add sugar!! The result will be a syrup that tastes exactly the way lilacs smell!! I can't wait to put it in mason jars and give it to my friends!!!

...Sephiroth. I wish you were here. I wish you could fly the kites with us. I wish you could spin around and get dizzy and fall down laughing with us. I wish you could lie down in the soft grass and talk about various things with us. I wish you could look up at the sky, smell the scent of the leaves in the air, and enjoy the breeze as it ruffles your lovely hair. I wish you could try some of my lilac syrup in some freshly brewed green tea. I wish you can come here and see that you could be welcomed and wanted and happy. I wish you can see that you could belong. I wish for so many good and wholesome things.

...Please stay safe out there so that someday you can have these things, okay? Even if it's not at my house, you can have them somewhere if you're willing to heal enough to create these circumstances.

I love you. I'll write again soon.

Your friend, Lumine

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elix8r · 1 year ago

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never thought id do this but heres an essay on my thoughts on monkey bars 😭😭🤍🤍🤍

let me preface this by saying you did such an amazing job with this truly, you wrote so so well and i feel like you encapsulated every perfect emotion in the best way possible, and somehow it just gets better and better? i forgot how pt 1 went so i reread it before i read pt 2 and i was blown away again but youve even improved somehow ?!!? youre like the gift that keeps on giving 💋 also, thank you so so much for pushing through and writing this, i know it couldnt have been easy struggling with writers block but i hope u know we all think the world of this fic so please see the worth of your work 💗

ok now MY THOUGHTS!!! oh my lord, where to begin… first of all, same as before: from part one, i was already irked with jake when he pulled the beomgyu shit (albeit i moved on pretty damn fast surprisingly) but the cliffhanger you left us on was a game changer like he crossed the line so bad. i was conviced i would never forgive him. if someone did that to me i would have the exact same reaction as y/n tbh. anger later sad confusion panic first. and seeing the aftermath in part 2??? first of all, so glad she had such a good support system around her and people who actually put their morals first aka 02z bc u already know men irl would defend their “boys” first or whatever 🙄 hearing other girls gossip about her actually broke my heart cos if it was me i wouldve cried n had a panic attack there and then … and knowing my PARENTS know about it 😭😭😭

you wrote so well i was actually about to insert myself in NO JOKE!!!! like ok lets stray for a while but me personally i dont like “dumping” my emotions on anybody bc it makes me feel like im burdening them but when i read the scene when she went back home,, oh lord i wanted to cry in the dads arms there n then, u have a talent with words fr 🫣🫣

SORRY BACK TO OUR SCHEDULED ANNOUNCEMENT, nowhere in this fic was my heart set in stone. ok i lied. for the first 80% i was like FUCK THAT MAN HE DESERVES TO DIE IM NEVER FORGIVING YOU but then i started feeling pity too DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN WHEN I SAY YOURE AMAZING AT WRITING??? like am i throwing away my morals or am i just understanding that people are multidimensional,, woah lord,, like tbh i wouldnt have forgiven jake bc something of that scale is just not in my books, was way too extreme, but the way you wrote his character, his guilt, the actual situation??? couldnt even blame y/n for feeling sympathetic cos damn me too… i know a lot of people might not agree (especially irl. DEF NOT) but the way you wrote everything… how do you not feel bad for the poor boy 😭 in no way is y/n to blame for ANYTHING but at some point i started to be worried for jake too so i was like u know what. fine. get together with the boy. NO WAIT. idk. dont. IDK?!!!?

i think me personally, i wouldnt have been able to forgive him but i wouldve tried to move past it, despite how hard it would be. whether or not we get together would be a different question because rebuilding trust would take a lot, but,, yeah. overall i am soooo fucking satisfied with this, and the ending was so refreshing tbh!!! at first i was hoping they wouldn’t get together (literally when they kissed again i was like NOOO GIRLLLL WHYYYYY have more self respect!!!!) but after your slayful writing i was like nah u know what give them a happy ending,, n u did not disappoint,,,, i loved how it ended and that fresh start at the end was really like a breath of fresh air i have no idea how to explain it but it just genuinely did feel like a fresh start. i loved it. i will be rereading. thank you

OH MY GOSH THIS IS THE LONGEST MESSAGE I'VE EVER GOTTEN AND IM LITERALLY SCREAMING IN JOY BECAUSE OF IT!!

this was insane praise like omfg thank you so much! i always have such a hard time wondering if what i wrote is good enough to put out for you guys and to hear you say that is so meaningful to me 😭 the writer's block def was a bitch but hearing you say that you could see that I've improved makes everything worth it like i'd go through it again if it'll help me get better at writing im crying literally 🥹

so the whole time i was writing this last part i had a hard time deciding if oc should forgive him or not because personally i would never be able to but i just felt that the only way for this story to wrap up well and in a satisfying way would be if it was a happy? ending so i ended up just going with that and yes one of the main things i wanted to show was that everyone was rooting for y/n so i made sure no one excused jake's behavior

the scene where she went back home was kind of tough to write like i totally get you i get really emotionally invested even when im writing and jfc just imagining how my parents would react literally had me going through it like her dad was devastated and i think it really shows to what extent one person's actions/mistakes can effect cause this shit not only broke her down but also most of those around her so those scenes were def tough to write

but i am so so so glad to hear how much you enjoyed the ending and overall this story! you seriously just relieved me of so many of my worries regarding this story and i always feel like the best compliment is when people tell me they'll reread my stuff so thank you so so much for sending me this ginormous message and hope I'll continue to produce stuff you like! love you loads 🫶 🫶 🫶

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thsc-stuffs · 2 years ago

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Remus & Riella Playlist Analysis

I SAID I'D DO IT FUCK IT HERE GOES NOTHING here's the playlist! https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7rHcxumJVqcFaJ2gQhTm98?si=1827a6c6b9254fa8

These are just ones I have particularly big feelings and words for, a lot of these songs are just on here because Sweet Love Songs or they have Vibes

Monster | Imagine Dragons - They both struggle with their inhuman natures, and feel they'll be seen differently for it. They both worry the other will fear them. { "If I told you what I was, would you turn your back on me? And if I seem dangerous, would you be scared?" } - Riella has always had a sense of Otherness, both in her Siren heritage and her being trans. All she ever wanted was to be like her sisters, but achieving that meant facing that she was different. It meant facing the 'monster' within her. { "Ever since I could remember, everything inside of me just wanted to fit in" } - Remus didn't want to live his life as a werewolf. He accepted the offer to be turned out of desperation, while believing he was going to die, but now he has to face what he's become. He's spent his entire life running because of his otherness, but that's not what he wants. { "Can I clear my conscience? If I'm different from the rest, do I have to run and hide?" } - Both feel that they've become monsters, literally and metaphorically. They've killed, hurt, lied, and they've both tied these things back to their inhuman natures. They see themselves as humans fighting against the 'monster' of their inhuman parts. { "I'm only a man with a candle to guide me- I'm taking a stand to escape what's inside me. A monster, a monster, I've turned into a monster. A monster, a monster- and it keeps getting stronger!" }

King And Lionheart | Of Monsters and Men - Pretty self-explanatory. Sweet love song. Specifically feels like their growth over time, how they've fallen in love and looking back on how far they've come from the beginning. { "Though far away, though far away, though far away- we're still the same, we're still the same, we're still the same." } - Their time on the airship makes up a major part of their relationship!! So many romantic and emotional moments looking down on the world!! { "And in the winter night sky, ships are sailing, looking down on those bright blue city lights- and they won't wait, and they won't wait, and they won't wait. We're here to stay, we're here to stay, we're here to stay." }

Will I Find My Home - Acoustic |Juniper Vale and Vian Izak - OH BOY. Remus and Riella both left home far too young, misguided and unsure, against their better wishes- Remus wishing his father was still around, Riella being taken against her will. They didn't get to leave on grand ambitions, nor with some brilliant moment of freedom- they ran with blood on their hands. { "I left the nest when I was far too young; never set my flight for the sun." } - Riella has already been hurt by love, her ex being the one to sell her out, so she's so wary when she starts falling for Remus. Is he worth the hurt? Her love for him could be her glowing freedom, but would it be her downfall once more? { "Are you worth getting lost over, love? If I offer myself will it lift me up? Are you worth letting into my heart? If I go and get caught will I fall too far?" } - Remus watched his home fall apart. He's so desperate to have that feeling back, but he doesn't know where to start- except here is Riella, and here is love, and isn't that the same? { "Will I find my home, will I find my home- my home in you?" } - Over time in the clan, and in their relationship, they start to find their own passions and ask themselves if the risk may be worth it. They're learning to think it could be. { "Icarus thought he'd find his place a little higher; it's curious, the flame of the fire." } - Finally, after so long, they admit their love. It's a safety net beneath their fall, the catalyst to their growth and strength. They trust and love each other endlessly, unconditionally. No matter how badly the world burns them, they know the other is safety. { "Be my place to land when I'm tired- when my feathers are burnt by the fire. I surrender myself to your arms, just hold me tighter." }

Second Child, Restless Child | The Oh Hellos - Remus song time! He has big feelings about his childhood and how it's led to his view on the world in adulthood. { "I was born the second child, with a spirit runnin wild, runnin free. And they saw trouble in my eyes- they were quick to recognize the devil in me. See, I was born a restless child, and I could hear the world outside callin me." } - His need to get away was what led him to the clan, after all, and that led him to Riella. { "Can you hear it on the wind? Can you feel it underneath your skin? You've got to go on, farther than you've ever gone! You've got to run far from all you've ever known!" }

I have to break up the text block, so: COMMENCE CRANE WIVES

The Garden | The Crane Wives - This one's mostly Riella, babyyy. She's watched her world fall apart too many times, sometimes she can't help but feel like she's taken the wrong path in life. She worries that she's trapped Remus and herself both within the danger of the clan, and that someday her Karma will come for her. { "My stone, my shield, my steady hand. Hold your light to the darkness in my head. Put your ear to my heart or set your teeth against my throat- give me something pretty to wear beneath my blood-stained clothes! My darling, the devil knows my name!" }

Can't Go Back | The Crane Wives - The lyrics speak for themselves on this one, with it being both of them to the other. { "It's time to learn to be more forgiving of yourself, and your sins. And those mistakes you've made- you've got to try and take the lessons away from them, and leave the rest behind." } { "All the self-loathing in the world won't change a thing. Cause you can't go back, darling. The time has come for moving on. You can't be always tryin to dig up what you've already buried- you've got to carry, carry, carry on." } { "It's not fair! (When have you ever known the world to be a fair place?) It's not fair! (All things end and all things change.) It's not fair! (You'll look back and laugh someday.) It's not fair! (Or, at least, you'll learn to be okay.)" }

Curses - Live | The Crane Wives - Another vibes one, this time Riella @ Remus about her whole Siren thing. She's lost and scared and confused, reaching out to him for comfort and reassurance that he still loves her despite this. { "There's a fire in my brain and I'm burning up- oh my, oh my. Keep running for the sink but the well is dry- oh my, oh my. Every word I say is kindling, but the smoke clears when you're round. Oh, stay with me, my darling, when my walls start burning down, down, down..." } - This change is a echo of her life before, of the family who abandoned her, and it's just as hauntingly familiar as it is horrifyingly new. She hasn't ever gotten to unpack those feelings, nor the realization that Sirens are predators, and now they're haunting her. She no longer feels at home with herself, not until she can work through this. { "This house says my name like an elegy- oh my, oh my. Echoing where my ghosts all used to be- oh my, oh my. There's still cobwebs in the corners and the backyard's full of bones! Won't you stay with me, my darling, when this house don't feel like home?" } - She feels that she's doomed, and that Remus will be dragged down with her. Riella's terrified what this all will mean for them, yet begs for Remus to stay by her side through this. { "Oh, ashes ashes, dust to dust- the devil's after both of us! Oh, lay my curses all to rest- make a mercy out of me!" } - Despite her fear, she can't deny the changes taking place, that she's unlocked her Siren and there's no turning back. All she can do is pray that Remus doesn't turn his back on her. { "This tired old machine is a-rumbling- oh my, oh my. Singing songs to the secrets behind my eyes- oh my, oh my. All my aching bones are trembling, and I may yet fall apart- won't you stay with me, my darling, when the war starts in my heart? When the war starts in my heart!" } { "Oh, ashes ashes, dust to dust- tell me I am good enough. Lay my curses out to rest, make a mercy out of..." }

How to Rest |The Crane Wives - Another Riella one? Another Riella one. This one is her singing to her past self, looking back on her reluctance and refusal to love again. Her younger self had hidden away, convinced enough walls built around her heart could protect her, but the Riella of the present knows better. { "Go on, stack the cinderblocks in a cold sweat. Build yourself a citadel amidst the foothills of regret. And though you've convicned yourself, you're safe and sound within- the thing you fear the most never need get in." } - She remembers how much the isolation hurt, how badly she missed love. Having her family and boyfriend cut her off hurt so much, and hiding away was only making it worse. { "You'll miss the sun. The warmth of another's embrace- you'll need room to run, and something to chase. And that thing you fear will coax you out of that unholy place- cause all you've ever wanted is an escape." } { "Those of us who vow never to love again, to love again, are making liars out of honest men. It's not something that you put to bed, hang your head and just forget; no, love don't know how to rest. No, love don't know how to rest." } - She looks back on the years of heartache and suffering, both before and after joining the clan, to the hours spent trying to forget and force herself not to love, and she laments to her younger self; { "Darling, when you've tired, you will see. There's no safe place, no sanctuary. It's not just child's play, a game of hide and seek- don't make it harder than it has to be." } { "Here's the truest thing I've ever known- the heart is just a muscle with a rhythm all its own. It doesn't stop when you decide not to move on! The heart knows nothing of your love or of your loss! So life just keeps on ticking by, compelled by instinct to survive, and love's the only thing worth being alive for!" }

Turn out the Lights | The Crane Wives - Light-hearted comfort, directed at each other! Pretty self-explanatory! { "You don't have to believe every single thought that tumbles through your head, just cause it sounds like you talkin! Sometimes all you can do is say goodnight, and tuck your demons into bed, cause they're not worth fighting. Turn out the lights on your racing mind! Turn out the lights on your racing mind! What good has ever come of it, what answers will you find? Turn out the lights on your mind!" }

#the henry stickmin collection #thsc ocs #thsc remus #thsc riella #song analysis #character playlist #the crane wives #PLEASE I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THEM #LISTEN TO MY RAMBLES

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