#IAmNotAlone

[worthymartyrconstruct]

My Wife Keeps Coming Home at 3:17 AM — But She Died Two Years Ago

Every night, at exactly 3:17 AM, I hear the front door unlock.

It’s always the same sequence: a soft click, a hesitant creak, and the faint sound of heels on hardwood. Then the smell—faint lavender and cigarette smoke, her scent. My wife’s scent.

The problem is, my wife, Eliza, died two years ago in a car crash. Closed casket. I never saw her body.

It started a month ago. I thought I was dreaming the first time I heard it. I sat up in bed, heart pounding, listening to footsteps making their way down the hallway. Then silence. Nothing in the morning. Just a locked door and an empty house.

But the next night, and the next, it kept happening.

So I did what any grieving, half-insane man would do—I started waiting.

At 3:10 AM, I’d sit on the couch, lights off, phone recording, watching the door. On the sixth night, the lock clicked. I froze. The door opened a crack, just a sliver. Then closed again. No one entered.

When I checked the recording, the time jumped. One frame showed the clock at 3:16:58. The next—3:18:01. A full minute gone. Glitched out. Nothing in between. Just static.

I called the cops. They found no signs of forced entry, no prints but mine. They suggested I might be sleepwalking or—worse—imagining it all. I didn’t tell them about the missing time. Or the lavender. Or that I started waking up with bruises shaped like fingertips on my arms.

I finally told my friend Mason. He brought over a thermal camera. We stayed up together. Nothing happened. 3:17 came and went. No sounds. No door. Just silence.

He left around 4, apologizing, saying I needed rest.

That morning, there were wet footprints on the kitchen tile. Bare feet. Size 6. Eliza's size.

I stopped inviting people over after that.

The bruises worsened. I’d wake up gasping, fingernail scratches across my chest. I tried leaving the house at night, staying at hotels. Still, 3:17 AM—door creak, footsteps, the scent. Even miles away. She followed.

I finally broke down and visited her grave last week. I found her headstone knocked over, deep scratches gouged into the marble. Not like vandalism. More like… claw marks. I paid a groundskeeper to help me lift the stone, and as we did, something weird happened—my phone buzzed with a text.

From Eliza.

It just said: “Why did you leave the door open?”

I threw up. Right there in the cemetery.

I went home and bolted every door and window. I even slept in the basement, no windows, no exterior doors. I thought I was safe.

That night, I woke up at 3:17 AM.

She was standing at the foot of the bed. Not a ghost, not translucent or floating. She looked exactly like she used to—except her skin was gray. Damp. Her eyes sunken. Mouth twitching like she was trying to smile but forgot how.

I couldn’t move. Sleep paralysis. She leaned down, close to my face, and whispered:

“I hate that you cremated me.”

The basement door upstairs slammed.

She was gone.

Since then, things have escalated.

Photos of us are shredded in the morning. Her wedding dress, which I boxed up in the attic, appeared folded neatly on my bed—damp and reeking of earth.

She’s not haunting the house. She’s haunting me.

Last night, I asked her—out loud—what she wanted.

At 3:17 AM, she answered:

“Finish what you started.”

I don't know what she means.

But I keep remembering something from her autopsy report. I asked the coroner, drunkenly, months after her death, whether she suffered. He paused, then said:

“Well… she had scratch marks on the inside of the coffin lid. Deep ones. We think she wasn’t dead when they buried her.”

I never told anyone that. Not even Mason.

Tonight, I’m digging up her grave.

Because I need to know one thing:

Is my wife still in there?

If she is—I’ll finally let her rest.

If she isn’t…

Then who keeps coming home at 3:17?

[mary-luce]

I am NOT Alone: Part 15 of Betting the Farm CROSSOVER Family Problems Part 18

Written with @Veiled_Treasure (@veiledtreasurebdbrp).

Treasure: Slowly and cautiously, I slipped out of the room and down the hallway in the direction of the dining room. Someone there had to be able to direct me to where Teyanna @TroubleWACapT had gone. She could perform the test on me to tell if I was with young. Would a test tell this early? From what I had been told, it had only been a few days. In all actuality, I didn’t need the test. I knew I was. It was hard to describe, and I knew it wasn’t normal, but I could sense the new life inside me. I could feel it reaching out and trying to calm me. However, this created the opposite feeling to flow through my bones; I only wanted to protect it with my life, if necessary.

Determination now pushed me forward as I came upon the kitchen. Only a few mahmens were there feeding their young. One caught my eye, and I quietly approached with a small smile. “Hi. I am looking for Teyanna @TroubleWACapT. Would you happen to know where I could find her?”

The mahmen met my gaze and moved protectively before her two young. Her head shook as she responded to me. “I have not seen her in a while, but her office is down that hallway.” She raised a slender finger to point toward the other side of the kitchen.

“Thank you,” I said before striding across the room.

Making my way down the hall, it was quiet. Most doors were closed, and the open ones had people hard at work, but no Teyanna @TroubleWACapT. I was beginning to panic again. I needed to talk to someone I knew, someone I trusted. Not that I knew Teyanna @TroubleWACapT well, but I had already tried to call Amari @PretyGrlAmari, but she hadn’t answered. Outside of her, I only knew the people I had seen at Havers, Teyanna @TroubleWACapT being one of them. She worked there before me and now only came in rarely, but I had met her a few times.

As I reached the end of the hall, I turned back. I reminded myself this was a #SafePlace, and I walked back down to the first open door.

When I looked inside, I saw a female deep in her work. I felt bad knocking on her door, but I needed to figure out a few things, and if Teyanna @TroubleWACapT wasn’t here, I needed another plan. Quietly, I wrapped my knuckles on the doorframe. “Excuse me. I was looking for Teyanna @TroubleWACapT but can’t find her.” @MaryLuce_BDB

Mary: *I was working on our plans for the new intake process for emergencies after discussing it with Marissa @CaldwellsBeauty, Rhym and the others @Beth_Marklon, @BellaRAhgony and @ChosenAislinn. We all agreed that we would execute our plans as soon as possible. The #Brotherhood was still receiving reports on missing females but so far the incidents have been isolated enough that it hasn’t caused a panic among the race but the entire household was worried, especially since we could not locate @Greyhson_BDB. Everyone was on high alert and all hands were on deck to help where anyone could help.

I just finished inputting the new data into our forms when suddenly, I heard a knocking at my door and when I looked up I saw a new face. Beautiful female with long blond hair and blue eyes. She looked slightly panicked and seemed really anxious.*

Hi! Um, I think ​​Teyanna @TroubleWACapT stepped out. I’m Mary, come on in and have a seat. Is there something I can help you with?

Treasure: First, Amari @PretyGrlAmari wasn’t answering her phone, and now I couldn’t contact Teyanna @TroubleWACapT. The only other person I thought of was Alicia from Havers, but tonight was her night off, and I didn’t have her home number. Either way, it was time to trust someone, and who better than someone in charge at a place called #SafePlace? 

Slowly stepping into the office, I gauged the room. Children’s toys were organized in bins around the room, and a bookshelf containing all kinds of books for all kinds of people: children’s, young adult, fiction, non-fiction, self-help, biographies, and medical books, to name a few. The slender yet tall female sitting at the desk exuded calmness. It was as if you were in a room with her and couldn’t help but relax. However, I still couldn’t relax after everything I had just gone through and was about to go through; there was no way I would feel peaceful anytime soon.

I walked over to the desk and sat in the seat in front of it. “Hi.” I raised my head to the female across from me, hoping to look strong and not as terrified as I was. “My name is Treasure and I’m in need of help. To start with, I need a test to confirm I am with young. After that, I have a long story to tell, and it starts with the fact that I am in serious danger, and I don’t know where to go or who to trust.”

Mary: *The female went right into her issues and I was surprised she was so open about her life. Most of the females here were more reserved and it was like pulling teeth to get them to talk to me. I always wondered if it was because I was human. Perhaps she hadn’t realized it yet … or she was just more extrovert than most. I didn’t know her story so perhaps I will get to know her.*

Ok. Not a problem. We can let Teyanna @TroubleWACapT or we can get a nurse from #Haver’s. Either or will work. No worries. 

You can trust me. I’m here to help everyone that comes through our doors. Everyone here can attest to that. What’s going on? Everyone is safe inside our doors but we do have formidable security if we need it.

*Thinking of the Brothers who would happily assist with any males that would dare try to enter our doors. @Rhage_SASBDB and the Brothers would never let anything happen to anyone here.*

Treasure: ‘You can trust me,’ she said. I certainly was hoping so. Teyanna @TroubleWACapT had mentioned that here I was safe, that the people here in this place were here to help, and from what I had known of #SafePlace from working at Havers for the brief time that I had, I was safe. Today, I would bet my life on how much I could trust her. I no longer had a choice.

Taking a deep breath, I wasn’t sure where I should start. I wanted to start from the beginning, but something had just struck me hard. I may not be the only one at risk right now, but I need to think of the big picture. Sure, I was the last of the Chosen, and some random male had just fed from me. With the taste of my blood being Chosen, he would be driven to find me, and he would be able to do so with his blood flowing through my veins. There are so many problems with that. Normal vampires were not used to Chosen blood, and it can make them do strange things, possessive things to get to what they thought of as ‘their’ females. Most normal vampires knew nothing of Chosen. He would be confused. Not only would I have outed myself as a Chosen, but I may have also outed Chosen as a species subgroup.

This didn’t even begin to explain how it would affect me. I will out myself as the last Chosen to possibly the wrong people and end up imprisoned by the Brotherhood. I could get thrown out on my ass for the male that just fed from me to find me.

“I think everyone here may be in trouble because of what I have allowed to happen, and for that, I am truly sorry.” I blurted out. Continuing, I went into a little more detail, “I happen to be a very special subtype of our species that no longer exists, and I believe that I have exposed myself to an ordinary male of the species.” 

Mary: *As she sat in front of me extremely agitated and nervous she started to explain that somehow she was endangering #SafePlace, I wondered briefly what could be going on and I slowly moved my hand to my cell phone to contact @Rhage_SASBDB immediately. But as she continued with her story she surprised me by basically stating that she was a special subtype … so at first, I thought she meant she was a hybrid like @Beth_Marklon or #Butch or maybe like @SinsSecondComin or #Xhex. But I wondered what she meant by “no longer existing”. But as she continued explaining that she exposed herself to an ordinary male of their species … I interrupted her.*

Wait, I’m sorry to interrupt you. What do you mean by “species that no longer exists” … at first I thought you were saying that you were a hybrid or perhaps … a Chosen?

*I watched as she widened her eyes and seemed surprised by my question confirming my answer with my last statement.* Treasure, you’re definitely not the last Chosen, hon. Actually, the Directrix Amayla @Amalya_SASBDB or even Aislinn @ChosenAislinn should be coming in for their shift in a few hours, I can introduce you to them. But wait a second … why did you think you were the last one? Where have you been if you didn’t come from #OtherSide? How did you arrive here on the #FarSide, the Earth realm?

*Now I was really curious. A Chosen found outside the #OtherSide where they have lived all their entire lives with the #ScribeVirgin as I understood it. Until Phury @PegLegPhury freed them and now they stay at @SinsSecondComin’s #GreatCamp. So, what happened to Treasure and what exactly had she been through?*

Treasure: I was startled when the word “Chosen” dropped from her lips. I was not expecting it to be the first guess out of her mouth. Maybe the rumors were true? Maybe I wasn’t actually alone? I was afraid to get my hopes up, but the way she mentioned the other Chosen, it was as if she knew them personally as if she could just pick a phone and call them as if they were not special. Maybe her “Chosen” are not the same ones I am talking about. She did mention one of them was the Directrix … I was still terrified to get my hopes up. I did not know either of the names she mentioned.

Knowing that I needed to be brave here, I decided to tell her a little more of my story. It may have put the whole place in danger, and they needed to know the severity of that. Also, I needed help. I could no longer do this all alone. I needed people that I could count on. Our kind is a social, communal kind. Some prefer to live alone, but most live in communities worldwide. Even though my mahmen, Alexandria, and I lived a secluded life, there was a community not far away that we could reach out to if we needed anything.

“I have been living in Colorado since birth, a little over 90 years ago. My mahmen, Valencia, had lived in the Sanctuary during the raid. She was pregnant with me, and her friends were afraid of the apparent death they were all looking at. None of them wanted my mahmen and her unborn young to be killed, so they helped her escape. Once out of the Sanctuary, she searched for her close friend, Alexandria, a Chosen who had fallen several years before. She took us in, and after a year or so with no word from any other Chosen, they assumed they had all died in the raid and that we were the only ones left. They have raised and protected me as if I were the last one.”

My eyes became teary as memories of their death surrounded me. I swallowed as I tried to continue, my voice shaky, “A few months back, they were out grocery shopping and got attacked. Both of them died, leaving me all alone.” The tears came a little harder as the stress of everything I was going through was added to the memory. “They had trained me to survive, but I did not want to spend my life surviving. I wanted to be amongst our own people. I had also heard whispers of other Chosen. I wasn’t sure I believed it, but if I could find more of my own, I knew I would be safe, so I traveled here from Colorado.

Unfortunately, I miscalculated my needing and ended up not having enough medication to get myself somewhere safe and get through the whole thing. Now that I have been exposed to a normal male of the species, I can already sense a young’s soul growing within me, and the male will seek out my blood again. So, I’m sorry for the danger I have put you all in by being here. I didn’t expect this to happen.

Mary: *I listened quietly trying to understand her timeline with what I have been told about the attack on the Sanctuary that @Rhage_SASBDB explained to me and with what I have learned from Phury @PegLegPhury and @Cormia_SASBDB from the 1930’s. I’m trying to remember the details of their stories, only that three rogue vampires armed with weapons stormed the Sanctuary in search of the rumored treasures that the Scribe Virgin had but I didn’t recall anything about any deaths or escapes. If her mahmen escaped while pregnant, then she was the last daughter from the previous Primale who died in the process of protecting his females. That much was true. So she was the last Chosen in that aspect. But it was because afterward, the Scribe Virgin rerouted all traffic so no one could enter nor leave without entering her private quarters. And the only people who would even know how to request permission to enter were the Brothers. So it would make sense that Valencia would not have heard from her sisters. 

Before I could think more about what happened before I was even born, she explained that she was possibly pregnant and that the male might track her down here at #SafePlace. Males were not allowed inside #SafePlace so I wasn’t really sure what “danger” she spoke of, unless the this male was dangerous and would try to get inside where all the females and young were being protected within these walls.

I walked around and slowly came around my desk and leaned down to take her hands hoping to calm her down. She became more and more agitated as she explained her story. Squeezing her hands and tried to use my most calming voice.*

Treasure, slow down, everything will be fine. Amayla and Aislinn will be here really soon. Let me text them and my hellren and we can get everything sorted out. No one is in danger here. We have a top-notch security system, the Brothers made sure of that when Marissa @CaldwellsBeauty created #SafePlace. Especially with all the females and young residing here.

*Holding on to one of her hands, I took out my phone out of my pocket and quickly sent a quick text to Chosen and @Rhage_SASBDB. I let him know it wasn’t an emergency but I really needed to talk to him ASAP as soon as he was available. I knew he was out on rotation tonight but I wasn’t sure what shift he had and which team was doing what tonight.*

Ok, they’ll be here shortly. Let’s get you some tea and maybe some cookies, yea? Everything will be fine. You are not alone, not by a long shot. Amalya and Aislinn can help you assimilate wherever you want to go, whether here at #SafePlace, the #GreatCamp, back to the #OtherSide or even at the #TheManse if you want. I’m sure Wrath @LordOfTheManse and @Beth_Marklon wouldn’t mind at least for a little bit while you get comfortable. Alright?

Treasure: Her warm hands comforted me a bit, but not enough. She was sweet, and I knew she was trying to calm me down, but a little handholding just wouldn’t do it. Part of me was still in that fight or flight state, saying, “Run! Run hard, and don’t look back for anything!” I knew that was the worst thing I could do now. I may have just found my people. The Chosen didn’t die? We could have stayed there and lived a normal life with our kind instead of living this life of seclusion and survivalism. I didn’t have to be afraid all these years? At that moment, anger enveloped me against my mahmen and Alexandria. All this time, hiding and terrified that something was coming after me at every corner, we could have just lived our lives to the fullest. How do you let that sink in without being outraged and bitter? Deep down, I knew it wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know. My mahmen thought they were all going to die. She was just doing what she could to keep her young safe. I put my hand on my own belly, knowing I would do the same.

The words Mary was saying started to stick again. The two Chosen she mentioned were coming here? I was about to meet more of my kind … right now … and wait, did she just say Brothers?! The? Brothers? Is she talking about The Brotherhood? I almost missed the part about a top-notch security system. That was good. I didn’t realize that. That deflated one of my concerns.

Suddenly, I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. All the stress I had been holding onto this whole time sagged off me like melted butter, and all it left behind was exhaustion. “Tea would be nice, thank you,” I replied to Mary. That’s when the final name spilled from her lips: Wrath. I knew that name. There was only one Wrath — the King of all vampires. “Wr … Wrath?” The Wrath I heard stories about was not a nice male. He was king of the race but wanted nothing to do with it. His only drive was to go out and kill every night. He liked no one. This brought my anxiety back up. “You … you trust Wrath?” I asked, unsure, I wanted to hear the answer. She seemed like she did, and I couldn’t wrap my head around it all. “#TheGreatCamp? #TheManse? I’ve never heard of these places before.” I began to become a little more cautious. I was no longer sure I trusted Mary. I had trusted her this far, seeing as vampires surrounded her, and they seemed to trust her, but she was only human, after all.

Mary: Yes, of course. According to @Rhage_SASBDB, Wrath @LordOfTheManse was a completely different male before he met @Beth_Marklon and took his place as King. Lots of things have changed. You probably wouldn’t have known if you have been secluded all this time.

*I explained as we exited my office and walked down the hall to the main kitchen. You could smell the cookies being baked by the doggen for the kids. I wondered briefly if perhaps mentioning the royal family was too soon. I forget sometimes that speaking about the royal couple isn’t a casual thing amongst the race. I’ve lived at #TheManse for the past few years, that its normal now.*

If you worried, you shouldn’t be … they’re great … *I was interrupted as we ran into @Amalya_SASBDB.*

Oh hey! Perfect timing.

Treasure: Wrath, Son of Wrath, actually took up the throne? I wasn’t sure what to make of this. It seemed so far-fetched compared to the stories I had heard about the male. It was not that they did not respect him or his place as king; it was just that he did not act like a righteous male. They had basically warned me of him, so I was unsure I wanted to throw away all I had been told and meet with this male.

A beautiful female striding down the hall toward us interrupted my thoughts, and I lifted a finger, ready to warn them as the two almost collided. This female, like Mary @MaryLuce_BDB, held a sense of calmness about her. However, the once-over she gave me made my skin crawl a little, and I took a slight step back. Was I doing the right thing here? Should I have opened up to these females? My whole life, I had been safe, and ever since I scored my wrist for Lohre and almost fed him, it was as if I couldn’t do the right thing to save my life, and it was my life on the line. It had become a fumble of one wrong thing after another. Am I walking myself into an enormous mistake, or worse yet, an enormous trap?

That’s when she introduced herself as Amalya and mentioned that she was sorry for how she looked at me, but I reminded her of someone she once knew. Wasn’t that the name of the Directrix? The one that Mary @MaryLuce_BDB mentioned? Is this the actual Directrix? The one that my mahmen spoke of? Is it possible that the person she recognizes in me is my mahmen? “Her name was Valencia. She disappeared from The Sanctuary a very long time ago. Are you related, my dear?” Amalya stated.

A gasp fell from my lips as relief flowed through every cell in my body. I had finally found my race, and there was more than just one of me. I was not the last Chosen in this world. I instantly fell to my knees on the hard tile floor and began to cry the happiest of tears.

[unfoldingnarratives]

A flower’s appeal is in its contradictions — so delicate in form yet strong in fragrance, so small in size yet big in beauty, so short in life yet long on effect #TerriGuillemets #flowers #friends #reminders #iamnotalone #madrid #contradictions #beauty #strength #vulnerability #colors

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[byfaithmedia]

God is with me always 🙌🏻

[writingsandfandoms]

I Am Not Alone // #throwbackthursday Open tag! • • #MBS #poem #poetry #poetrycommunity #poetsofig #poet #poetsofinstagram #poetryislife #iamnotalone #writer #writersofinstagram #writerscommunity #writing #writingcommunity #writersofig #rp #spilledink #spilledwords #instapoet #instapoetry https://www.instagram.com/p/CQgd-5flZX0/?utm_medium=tumblr

[meeeeefor]

少しは暖かそう

[anastpaul]

Quote/s of the Day - 4 May – "I am not alone"

Quote/s of the Day – 4 May – “I am not alone”

Quote/s of the Day – 4 May – Monday of the Fourth Week of Easter, Readings:  Acts 11:1-18, Psalm 42:2-3; 43:3-4, John 10:11-18

“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me….”

John 10:14

“He [ Jesus] is our clothing, that for love wraps us and winds us, embraces us and totally encloses us, hanging about us in tender love.”

Blessed Julian of Norwich (c 1342-c 1430)

God beholds me…

[dontforgetthesunrise]

#metoo #yourenotalone #youarenotalone #iamnotalone #abusiverelationship #speakmytruth #hecanrotinhell https://www.instagram.com/p/CCCxPEXpkj9oN-tZDwwwM5OiJ0CXr3sRF-YQKY0/?igshid=1fwe8t3zqpqpf

[walker50197-blog]

I am Walker #50197

[amiyourtori]

It's over...for now.

10/04/2019: well, we went for our 6w US where they saw a GS and YS, and what they believed was the fetal pole, but it wasn't confirmed. We were set up for a follow up at 7w. On 10/01/19, we went for that US and found an empty GS. We were miscarrying. Everything was looking so good and healthy up until those two US. Plus, the whole ordeal is made worse by the fact that it was our last embryo.

Instead of waiting for possibly weeks of a natural miscarriage and following my blood levels back down, I asked to have a D&C. I had it this morning and am now home and recovering. While it will take me awhile to get myself back, both physically and mentally, we decided that we are not giving up. We have a consult with a new clinic, a financial move for us, in January and I am hoping to begin the process shortly after that. I will grieve what was lost to me, I will always remember, but I will not give up on what I know in my heart and soul is meant to be. Our rainbow baby is coming.

[rocgod]

I have the best wife and friends ever thanks so much @_junelee33_ you made me cry damn it, I am going at this like I'm ok but worry about @arcrocker and to know she has friends like you and family makes me feel so much better while going through this, I always said blood is not thicker than water and for me the word love is powerful and I never throw it out there willy nilly so I say to my wife, family and friends that I love you all very much #bestfriendsever #sweetpeople #cancersucks #Iamnotalone #love https://www.instagram.com/p/B5Nz9YbgtyE/?igshid=u5yuuqol8ouy

[transcendshame]

“Blowing out another persons candle, will not make yours shine any brighter.” #envy does nothing good for anyone. . . . Lately, I’ve had to take stock of my life, my priorities, my needs - stop looking at what other people have or are doing at “my age”, during “this time”, at this general point in life. Am I a little behind? Perhaps. But there’s a lot of reasons for that. Am I keeping myself in check and not using those reasons as “justification”, I’m trying to. I’m not perfect at ALL. I’m extremely broken - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. But I have to STOP looking at others and look in the God Damned mirror. . . First of the few things I CAN control (mostly). How I want my body to be. I realize now what it’s all about, I understand. A lightbulb went off in my head - and the floodgates opened. And even in this area of #fitness I’ll always be a step behind due to injuries, but I’m not alone #iamnotalone and I don’t have to feel like I am. Stop looking around at other people in the gym, at what they can do and what I can’t - and focus only on what I CAN do today that I couldn’t do yesterday. #motivationmonday #ftmfitness #transguyswholift #gains #onedayatatime #heirtothethrone #isingthebodyelectric #selfdevelopment #gratitudeeveryday #loveyourself #bedeeplyrooted #magicalAF #mindovermatter #givenofucks #positivity #growth #realtalk #strongincharacter #defineyourself #definenormal #trueyoutribe #goals #determination #kindnessislit #chasinglight #dowhatyoulove #liveauthentic https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn2VD-hBwAc/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=ztavgxa3holp

[mxchris]

09-13-2018

Back in July, I started my journey to #dobetter physically. I actually went to the doctor, I got on some medication, I started going to the gym, drinking more water, eating healthier etc. I started to see some improvement in the way I looked, felt, and acted. I started to see myself differently. I saw my goals as a prize that would be won, something incapable of being unattainable. I was a woman on a mission.

Then, somewhere in the middle of all of that, life got crazy. Friends got distant, work got busy, family got shitty, and my relationship went straight to hell. I not only went back to my old ways of shutting myself down and doing everything for others, I went back to neglecting my own basic needs for health, love, and adventure. 

I spiraled out of control a couple weeks ago and noticed that there wasn’t a day that went by that I was not drinking to excess, smoking more cigarettes than anyone should be able to stomach, or railing cocaine up my nose at a potentially heart-stopping rate. 

I stopped going to the gym and started burning all of my calories by fucking whoever fell into my bed. 

I embraced any chance at a distraction in any form, whether that be love, lust, drugs, or drink.

Then yesterday I hit rock bottom.

Today... I woke up and decided I can only move forward. I can feel guilty and regretful or I can feel strong and determined. I can let the last few weeks affect me negatively or I can allow them to push me to really continue to make a change. I woke up this morning and decided that today was going to be a better day. Tomorrow will be even better, and the day after.. even better than that. 

So this is me admitting my flaws and my faults and letting them go. This is me being open and vulnerable so someone else may know they are not alone. We all stumble, we all fail, we all give in. The important part is that we get back up, so if we’re all together in falling, let’s be all together in trying again. The road to recovery may not be a pretty one, but it’s certainly a necessary one.

So I’m back on the journey and staying the course to #dobetter... all 179 pounds of my not-eating, whiskey-chugging, chimney-hair, drug-addicted, imperfect humankind-ness. 

and 2019, I’m STILL coming for you.

[ziarising]

#youarenotalone #poetryquotes #igpoetry #igquotes #god #godquotes #writersquotes #powerfulquotes #reminder #bestfriend #allies #closest #alhamdulillah #iamnotalone #ingodshands #ingodwetrust #grateful #enlightenment #womenempoweringwomen #goodforyouquotes https://www.instagram.com/p/CWdyTQIMt21/?utm_medium=tumblr

[jamiesonwolf]

This morning, I asked the cards “What part of myself do I embrace today?” I drew the Tower, the 6 of Cups and the Lovers from the Oak Ash and Thorn Tarot. 🎇 Sometimes, the foundations that I’ve built have to crumble. A tree is struck by lightning and eventually it will fall to the ground in flames. This needs to happen. I built those foundations during a time where I had to survive and not thrive, where I had to fight. Now, in this new cycle of my life. I don’t have to fight anymore, not against myself. I can rebuild again so that my foundations are stronger than before. ⭐ I have a hard time being kind to myself or accepting kindness. I know that this comes from a lifetime before, when my life was different and I didn’t think I deserved or was worthy of kindness and affection. Though my life has changed, I still have some difficulty with acts of kindness. I need to be open to receiving as well as giving kindness. I need to know that I’m worthy of light. ✨ My life is full of so much love. My Husband sees me for who I really am and loves all of me unconditionally, more than I can love myself. He supports me in everything that I have done and do now and believes in me when I can’t believe in myself. I need to welcome that support and that love and shine my light brightly into the world. I need to let myself be loved as much as I love him. 🎇 Today, I will embrace my emotions and let the negative fall away so that I can focus on being kind to myself and to others around me. I will take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in what I am going through and that I have love all around me. I will sparkle on today! 🌟 #Tarot #TarotReadersofInstagram #OakAskThorn #Love #selflove #selfkindness #foundations #emotions #embrace #cycle #journey #letitgo #selfcompassion #accept #give #loveisallaroundme #iamnotalone #lover #partner #bestfriend #husband #sarkleon #shinebright #likeadiamond #cardoftheday https://www.instagram.com/p/CWQiCN4LrBF/?utm_medium=tumblr

[zigsart]

#IAMNOTALONE 🌺 🌼 🌸 or -The story of the lonely poppy- „When I stand in the wind I am not alone I know that You will be with me I will not be overcome through the dark of the night I know that You will be with me I will not fear You will be beside me Even if you're not with me I am not alone I know You will never leave me I'll never be alone again“ ZIG #poppy #redpoppy #flower #flowerart #flowers #mohn #flowerpower #poetry #bigart #POPS #zigsart #fallinlove #artiswonderful #bigpainting #framedart #pinkart #bodyart #myart #loveart #beauty #goldart #lifeisbeautiful #enjoylife #beautyfully (hier: Leipzig, Germany) https://www.instagram.com/p/CR6xWsjLROT/?utm_medium=tumblr