#In many ways‚ compiling them together into a single piece‚ is the final version. The song‚ the words‚ the intent‚ the variants.

[ohwereusingourmadeupnames]

Give In To Me

Pairing: Peter Parker/Tony Stark (Starker) Rating: Explicit (E) Notes: This is my post for the “new love” square for the @starkerfestivals January event. I listened to the song Give In To Me a stupid amount of times to get this one just right. Word Count: ~6.6K Warnings: There is some homophobic language/actions and a bit of violence in this one. It’s not the fluff fest most of my fics usually are, so approach with caution! Summary:

Tony always knew he was a little different - and growing up on a ranch in the middle of nowhere Wyoming didn't leave room for that type of uniqueness. College is supposed to be a godsend, and for a while - it is. Things start to spiral out of control when Tony's father dies and whiskey takes the wheel.

Twenty something years later, Tony is still struggling with the aftermath. It's not until the gorgeous cowboy Peter Parker walks into his life that Tony starts to feel like living again.

Or, the one where society sucks and Peter makes it all better.

Read on AO3 here.

In all 45 of his years, Tony never thought of himself as weak.

There were times when shit got hard and the walls felt like they were sinking in on him – even then, the feeling of weakness never even registered.

From the second that Peter Parker walked into his life – everything changed. The feeling of weakness came from the way the tan Stetson sat so temptingly on his head; the brim tucked down over his eyes that made searching out his gaze something of a mission. It came in the way his heart picked up when he saw the lean cowboy, his face and body still giving off the slightest hint of youth that Tony could only fondly remember in his later age.

Most importantly, the weakness came when it was just him and Peter – the two of them tackling the stalls or discussing the latest specs for the crop rotation they meticulously planned. In all his life, Tony didn’t once feel that earth-moving feeling of rightness like he did when in Peter’s orbit.

All of Peter’s finer attributes and deeply engrained intelligence compiled together could easily bring him to his knees – Tony fought with himself daily to simply stay standing under the strain of what Peter made him feel so easily. After almost fifty years of repressing all of his emotions, especially the hard ones like love and attraction, Tony found himself both fearful and excited by the immensity of his plentiful feelings for Peter Parker.

He wanted to burn from the fire of it all, while melting Peter down and taking him into the blazing madness together.

Of course, his thoughts were much braver than his actions and behavior.

It was never easy – coming to terms with his differences. From an early age, Tony could feel how other he was. Though he loved ranch work with all of his being, the thought of learning and getting so much more from the world settled in him before he really understood what it all meant. Where his daddy didn’t give a shit about his schooling, Tony strived to excel. Information and knowing things came pretty easy to him, and he reveled in it.

He studied so much, he figured the cows would start mooing all of the different facts and tidbits of information he always recited to them during his fence checks and daily feeds. There was always a craving for more that settled deep within him – the thing taking home in him in a way that held tight and wouldn’t come close to letting go.

Things got even more interesting when he figured one of the biggest differences between him and all his other buddies was the fact that he wanted to kiss them, and not the girls they were always whispering and gossiping about. He found out pretty early how off the wall those feelings were and desperately tried to stamp them down.

For a lot of his childhood, Tony did a lot of that – stamping things down. Whether it was his smarts or the warmth in his stomach he got when looking at certain boys, Tony did whatever he could to let those things fly under the radar. He figured the best way to stay hidden was to blend in with the normality of the crowd.

The one thing Tony wasn’t ever going to compromise on was his future, however – it was one thing to hide his brain and all the things he could do with it, but a whole other thing to waste it, just because someone didn’t like it. His daddy fought tooth and nail to get Tony to ditch the educated man dreams and stay exactly where he’d always been.

Taking over the ranch could wait – there were so many things to learn and tons of opportunities for Tony to do it.

When the acceptance letter for UT Austin came, Tony hid the envelope away and quietly went about the process of getting himself set up for attendance that next fall. Like most things in his life, Tony put his entire life together after high school by himself – making his own decisions and following the dreams that he never let anyone else know about.

Austin meant more acceptance – besides the amazing university, Texas’s capital was rumored to be amongst the more liberal parts of the state. For someone who held a whole piece of himself back in fear of what might happen, escaping to a place that wouldn’t condemn him for his preferences felt pretty sweet.

Against his parents’ wishes, Tony left for college immediately after graduation – his work ethic and know-how getting him a fellowship within the agricultural engineering department that got him to school as early as possible. Getting away meant everything after such a long time being cooped up in a small town with people who had narrow minds and an even smaller range of interests.

His introduction to all of the other things the world had to offer came hard and fast. His Levi jeans and cowboy boots were a hit amongst the people that never stepped foot outside of the big city – and the boys who liked other boys were not quiet about their appreciation. From nothing to everything all at once, Tony fell headfirst into the life he never knew existed.

And it was nice – for a long time, it was really (really) nice. Tony felt right under his skin for the first time ever and didn’t have to hide himself away – his brain or his lust for beautiful men that could take him apart and put him back together in a way that was much better than what existed before.

He flourished in the classroom, the lifetime of ranch knowledge edging others out in the application and understanding department. Tony used all of the pieces he accumulated over the years to absorb all of the information he could and quickly found himself with a double major in Business and Agricultural Engineering. Though he wasn’t actually planning to go back and take over the family ranch, knowing how to run one from all angles seemed like the right thing to do.

Austin felt like a dream – everything Tony ever wanted was right in front of his face just waiting for him to reach out and take it. And while he could, Tony clung tight to all of the things he never had before and probably never would again.

Things came crashing down when his dad died eight weeks before graduation. The night before he finally got ahold of his mom after noticing more than forty missed calls, Tony was out with his latest fling – Clint Barton, who could do things with his hands that Tony couldn’t get enough of. When he finally stumbled his way back to the dorm, Tony found his answering machine completely full – each one of his mother’s messages more desperate than the last.

Unable to just rush home, Tony settled his mom down and made a few calls to get himself a flight back to Wyoming as soon as he could. As much as he wanted to feel bad about the sudden death of his father, there wasn’t much in him that made Tony ache the way he probably should. His father never understood him – never even took the time to do so. There was sadness, but the idea of missing his very last midterm to mourn couldn’t be processed. Not when he worked so hard to get where he was.

He never planned to go back home – and rushing back just wasn’t in the plans, either; no matter the reason.

Of course, karma had a way of proving that not all decisions were the best. The very next night, while out with Clint and a few of their friends, Tony found himself in a sticky situation. Taking to the bottle the second he had everything in order, his blood was more whiskey than red blood cells by the time they hit one of their favorite bars – the word belligerent sat in the back of his head when he let himself think about just how much the world was tilting and his words were slurring.

While Austin was relatively liberal, there were still many people that came to the city that didn’t share the local attitude about the world. Most people Tony spent his time with were pretty accepting of his preferences and never shied away from him, especially when he brought his dates around. In a lot of ways, Tony felt stupidly lucky; the level of understanding his close friends were capable of surpassed all he received throughout the years of his childhood combined.

That wasn’t to say that the strangers on the street felt the same as his friends, however. Sober Tony understood that piece of information; he logically kept his personal and private business to himself when out in public. That Tony was long gone, replaced with the recklessly drunk version that didn’t keep his hands to himself and couldn’t care less about what other people thought of it.

When he pulled Clint into a kiss without a care in the world, Tony should’ve known he was asking for trouble. There was a beat of time when he pulled away with a smile where Tony felt like he was floating on air – he was just drunk enough to forget the world, just for that single moment. Then, the chocked-out word he dreaded his entire life rang in his ears. ‘Fag’ sunk into his skin, the heat of shame radiating down from his stomach until his legs felt molten with anger and fear. His fists clenched tightly by his side, the alcohol boosting his courage beyond anything reasonable.

“What the fuck did you just say?” Tony roared, his hand pressing flat against Clint’s chest, pressing him back and out of the way. He shifted his body until he was between Clint and the guys now closing in on them.

“I called you a fag. Out here in public, doing something like that – “ the guy was able to get out just enough to push Tony past a breaking point. He didn’t get to finish his thought – Tony’s fist connected with his jaw; then, all hell broke loose.

For what it was worth, Tony gave just as good as he got. After the initial punch, Tony threw himself into the first of the three guys that were gathered around. Searching for Clint’s eyes, Tony nodded his head towards the exit when he caught them. They shared a scared look for a second before the other man was gone, the sound of a fist hitting his cheek covering up the shuffle of Clint’s boots as he fled.

At least he was alone in the beating he took when a swift punch to the back took out a couple of ribs, the pain pulling all the fight from him in one swift breath. By the time his eyes were shutting with blissful unconsciousness, everything felt numb – his body, heart, and his already tarnished soul.

After almost twenty years, thinking back on the experience still took his breath away.

He regained consciousness in a hospital bed with his hands wrapped and one eye swollen completely shut. The thought of not being in jail was the only comfort he felt as every other injury made itself known. Fractured ribs, a dislocated jaw, and bruising everywhere. It hurt to breath and if he pressed too hard with his tongue, his front tooth felt like it might pop right out of his mouth.

Tony stayed hooked up to the machines just long enough to make sure there was no lasting damage, then checked himself out against everyone’s orders. Canceling his flight on account of not being able to handle the pressure of breathing, let alone at thirty thousand feet, Tony put his shit in a bag, packed up his truck, and hit the road. Fourteen hours stood between him and the distance needed to maybe mend his brokenness.

Instead of going back to Austin after putting his daddy in the ground, Tony took to his old room in the house he grew up in and dug into the ranch work as deeply as he could. He finished his degree with a couple trips back to the city to take big tests and put the whole experience behind him the second his diplomas came. All that education, all the time it took, and the effort he put forth – it all seemed a little flat after the huge crash back down to reality. The world wasn’t the big place he so desperately wanted it to be. The realization of that hit so close that he bottled everything inside, put his head down, and finally gave into wishes he’d been resisting for as long as he could remember.

In letting himself fall into the work, Tony found his enjoyment of being around the ranch again. His forethought in school put him in a good position to make some good moves and bring all the land back up to speed. In just a couple of years, Tony brought their profits up and made some decent headway into getting the soil ready and willing to spring up crops to at least sustain them throughout the seasons.

Little by little, Tony took to running the ranch the way his daddy always wanted him to. His mom let go of her work around the place one small chore at a time, her old age catching up to her after so many years of ceaseless work. In the last couple of years before she passed, Tony created the best memories, actually letting himself get to know the woman who raised him and allowing her to see him in return. When he came out, she simply looked at him with a knowing smile.

“I’ve always known, boy. As long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Those words echoed within him every time he thought of her after that. She succumbed to pneumonia and joined his daddy late in the spring of his thirtieth year. Now completely orphaned, without any family at all, Tony turned to building up the ranch – the place now one of the only ones in the world he could feel some semblance of home.

He started the change with an initial push to bring the ranch into the latest decade. He bought a new herd of cattle and got a few work horses that could maintain the load of the work about to come. Next, he increased the staff on the property. Where Howard got by with only one hired hand, Tony brought on a foreman and three other hands to help with the new livestock. There were several empty bunkhouses on their many acres of land, and with a little bit of fixing up, they made adequate workers’ quarters.

With the manpower and the ability to give up some of the physical labor for the brainier work, Tony watched the land flourish before him. The livestock brought in good profit year after year – the turnaround on the cattle almost enough to bring in new herds almost every year. When the need for a wider stock occurred, Tony wheeled and dealed until he bought out both of his neighbors, their land adding beautifully to the well working operation.

As the years past, Tony got more ingenious and found ways to keep everything organic, the cattle were grass fed, and the small round of crops they were able to sustain year after year grew chemical free. Despite rebelling against it for so damn long, Tony took to ranching like a natural – the land belonged to his family for generations; it was in his blood.

When the crop production started to pick up, Tony figured it was time to bring in a professional with the know-how and education needed to maintain the soil and produce bigger numbers during every yield.

Steve, after years of being Tony’s right hand man, brought up a young agriculture guru that was quickly making a name for himself in the farming business. Without blinking an eye, Tony took his name and number, making the needed calls to get the best in the business there as quickly as possible. In all his years of running things, Tony understood what it meant to tap into potential, and if Steve was right, they were getting someone more than qualified that could easily hit his stride under their care.

All thoughts of business rushed out the window when he first took in all the glory that was Peter Parker. The cowboy hat that sat low on his head made it hard to determine how old he actually was – the word young could be applied to many age groups now that Tony was getting up there in years himself. There was a seriousness to his eyes that made him seem a little older, yet the beauty of youth clung to him like it may never let go.

Then, their eyes met – the crackle in the stare shared between them obvious in the way that both men shifted; brown eyes were glued to him from that moment on. Tony automatically stuck his hand between them, a sudden eagerness in his blood that made his fingers itchy for contact. He wasn’t disappointed when the shock of eyes catching magnified when skin met skin. Peter’s hands were rough, callouses adorning them – they were workers hands, ones that knew what it was like to spend long hours sweating for the cause.

Though the touch was brief, Tony felt it on his skin for the rest of their brief meeting. Tony was enamored from the very beginning but kept his business pants on and listened with interest to Peter’s extensive background and experience with soil analysis, crop rotations, and the like. While he was an aggie where Tony was a longhorn, he figured he could forgive the cowboy for his follies of youth – if his credentials were to be believed, they were getting a real asset to their team.

It didn’t take much convincing on Tony’s end when all was said and done – Steve did a good job selling the place in his initial rundown and Peter was signing the employment contract before the meeting was even finished. Unable to stamp down his excitement, Tony let a rare smile flit across his lips when he looked up to see Peter watching him. There was a glint of happiness bubbling up, and for once, Tony wondered what it would be like to allow himself to enjoy it again.

Realistically, choice wasn’t in Tony’s hands – from the second he saw Peter working on the ranch that first day, his fate was sealed. It’d been so long since the last time Tony allowed himself to look, let alone feel, that he was having a hard time controlling himself. Whenever they were within distance of each other, he found his eyes roving over Peter, his brain desperately attempting to remember everything for later. He figured that Peter could feel the weight of his stare and was later assured of that when he finally brought his eyes back up to Peter’s face after a lengthy perusal to find a shit eating grin on his lips.

They didn’t talk about it – not at first. Tony felt too much shame in the simple act of looking, the last thing he needed to do was rush the process and fuck them both over. Instead, they took to sharing looks and small quips when they were lucky enough to bump into each other. Tony’s love had always been the livestock, so he stuck to the barn and stables the times he decided to get his hands dirty. There wasn’t a lot for Peter to do in that neck of the woods, but they ran into each other often enough, anyways.

One such evening, Tony was cathartically finishing up bedding a few of the horses when Peter walked into the tack room, his eyes roaming over the gear hanging on the wall. In their ever-increasing conversations, Tony came to find out that Peter spent most of his childhood on horseback and liked to be amongst the familiar animals. Leaning up against the door of the stall he’d been mucking, Tony whistled lightly, getting Peter’s attention.

“Want to actually saddle up and ride tonight?” Tony asked, his forearms leaning against the top of the stall. “I haven’t settled Midnight or Cocoa if you’re interested.”

Seeing the flash of hope in Peter’s eye had Tony standing up a little taller, his hand moving to push his cowboy hat up a little further on his head so he could see Peter better. His lips rebelled against him, the corners reaching just under his eyes in the most genuine smile to ever grace his face. He was sweaty and tired and knew that taking the horses out now would make for a couple hours of work later – but it was all worth it. Peter nodded his head excitedly, his long legs already carrying him over to the saddle on the wall he eyed on a nightly basis.

Saddled up and ready to go, Tony clicked his tongue and shifted the reins in his hand enough to get Midnight on the move. Peter followed him closely, their feet a couple inches apart from each other with every shift they made in the saddle.

The cool night breeze moved around them; the trails beautifully lit by the moon casting its glow all around. It was a gorgeous night for a ride and an even better opportunity to get to know the handsome cowboy a little better.

Pulling up on the reins, Tony settled Midnight into a light trot, Cocoa following along seamlessly. He felt comfortable enough to shift forward a little, his stare moving to Peter across from him. “How are you settling in? This is probably a big change from College Station where you’ve been the past few years.”

“I love it out here. I grew up in the middle of nowhere Kansas. My uncle had a few acres that he made last until he couldn’t anymore. Being out here reminds me of the slow days I used to spend out on the range with him. A&M was just a stop along the way. Out here, it’s where I’ve always wanted to be.”

Sucking in a breath, Tony felt the words hit him hard – the vast openness drew him home all of those years ago; there was just something about being able to look up and see nothing for miles. Instead of replying right away, he let the peace of the words and the environment around him settle; it felt good to just be out here, especially with Peter by his side.

“Seems like you’re in the right place, then. It’s real quiet out here and everything moves a little slower than the rest of the world.” He stopped for a second, shifting his fingers in the leather of his riding gloves. “I’m real glad you’re here, Pete. Glad that you don’t dislike the slow stuff.”

Peter didn’t say anything else for the rest of their ride, the silence between them light and easy – like Tony’s admission was the pin needed to break the little bubble of tension that always surrounded them. They made it up and back across the trail before it was too dark – and with an extra pair of hands, Tony got the stable ready for the night much quicker than he initially anticipated.

Without really thinking, Tony placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder, pulling until they were pressed side to side. The contact felt amazing yet forbidden – Peter’s heat against him a craving he kept at bay for so, so long. “Thanks for the help closing up. I would’ve been out here for hours on my own.”

Peter moved then, his own arm wrapping around Tony’s waist – no hesitation, no shrinking away from the intimate contact. A couple of seconds went by before Peter moved again, his body turning and free hand coming to rest softly against Tony’s cheek. “Anytime, cowboy. You can’t possibly know how good you look on a horse. Or how sexy you get when you’re sweaty from work.”

The last few words were whispered, the space between them dwindling down to nothing as Peter inched closer – his fingers were wrapped tightly in Tony’s pearl snap, the first few buttons completely loosened by the time their lips finally met.

For just a moment, Tony let himself fall into the kiss. His arm tightened around Peter’s shoulder, bringing him into his chest a little tighter. The other hand reached up to rid Peter of his hat, then did the same for himself. Without the brims in the way, Tony leaned even farther forward, their lips and tongue moving in a dance that felt old hat now that they were finally connecting like this. Peter felt like home from the moment they met, and this intimate connection felt even better.

But then he remembered the many years of isolation and all the shame – the bad memories of those times more than enough to pull him away from the amazing sensation, his lungs burning from lack of oxygen and searing fear of what-ifs and ignorant people. Unable to push it all down, Tony put a bit of distance between them, his eyes glued to the floor where his boots were brushing nervously against the dirty planks.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I-I – “ Tony tried to babble out before deciding to ditch the niceties and make a quick escape out the door.

For two days, Tony avidly avoided the stables. Though it was his favorite place on the entire property, he wasn’t ready to face Peter head-on and knew the younger man would wait to find him there as long as it took. There was an unspoken connection that neither was willing to let go of, no matter how hard Tony fought against it. Between shared looks and hard-won tidbits about each other’s lives, something was created, the bond living and breathing, just like the two of them.

Deep down, Tony knew running away wouldn’t get him anywhere. His self-imposed isolation lasted for almost twenty-five years. In that time period, Tony didn’t take on a lover or even think about letting another person into his life. He got by on his excellent relationship with Steve and the few hands that had been there from the beginning. It was almost too easy to stay solitary and never let the world around him come close to hurting him ever again. The fact that Peter managed to get under the high walls of his fortress meant there was already no escaping it.

And now that their lips had met and Tony knew what it felt like to have Peter pressed against him – well, he almost didn’t want to fight it, anymore. Times changed and so did the way the world saw people with differences.

Unable to come to terms with what happened to him, Tony turned his head away from all of the advancements that occurred – allowing himself to hope for something better felt like a death wish.

Yet, the more time let himself get to know Peter, the more he felt himself wanting to give in to the hope – wanting to give in to Peter and the thing that could easily burn so intensely between them. At what point did the fear that ran his life get the better of him? When, after so much time of being by himself for both protection and self-preservation, was enough actually enough?

The answer to that question came in the form of a knock on the main house door halfway through day three of ignoring the entire situation. He was sock-clad in his kitchen with chicken salad halfway prepared when the sound echoed around the house – his heart kicking up in pace and volume with every resounding pound. Putting everything on the counter, Tony took a couple of seconds to pull in a few deep breaths before he could even think about turning around and answering the door. He wasn’t sure how he knew it was Peter there waiting for him, but something in his gut spoke loudly – the all-too-familiar feeling of rightness dragged him to the door without thought.

With so much adrenaline coursing through him, the door was within his grasp way quicker than he expected. The doorknob was already in his hand before he could think about what came next, and when Peter stood there on the other side, hat in his hands, a somber look in his eyes – Tony lost it. His momentum carried him over the threshold, long arms scooping Peter into him until they were pressed flush together, chest against chest. They shared the same breaths for a moment before lips were upon each other again, this kiss sure where the last one shared between them carried so much apprehension.

Their lips stayed sealed together until Peter pushed against him, the movement just enough to bring his brain back to earth. His eyes searched Peter, Tony eager to understand what brought the distance between them this time.

Understanding the inner turmoil, Peter placed another soft kiss on Tony’s lips, his eyes flashing with mischief and want. “You’re gonna crush my hat,” Peter mumbled, a soft smile overtaking his lips. “Invite me in, cowboy.”

“Oh. Yeah. Fuck – please come in, Pete.”

Tony didn’t hesitate to step back, his heart was racing, and limbs were shaking, but the chance he wanted was right in front of him – and he sure as hell was going to take it; fear and past-precedence be damned. With Peter in front of him the way he was, so open and willing, trusting Tony to make the right decision – he felt like he could take on the world.

Peter walked into the house just enough for Tony to get the door shut before he was manhandling long limbs. Tony’s back pressed against the heavy wood with a gentle push and answering thud. Now that the hat was no longer in sight, Tony took the opportunity to press their bodies back together, the feeling of Peter against him head to toe so intoxicating – literally everything he ever dreamed he could want.

Their lips pressed and pushed together, the never-ending battle of who controlled what continuing throughout the dance to Tony’s bedroom. Landing in a heap like they did, Peter ended up between Tony’s bare thighs, his hands passing across the goose fleshed skin there. Tony threw his head back with every caress, the weight of another man on top of him so foreign and exciting after so many years with only his own hand for company.

A soft nose pressed against the length of Tony’s neck, the exhaled air and light caress dragging a light moan from deep within. Lips traced veins and bare skin until Peter had the lobe of Tony’s ear in his mouth, soft kisses placed around the shell almost enough to end things before they really got started. Tony tensed up, his body desperately fighting itself with every touch and kiss.

“It’s alright, Tony. It’s alright,” Peter whispered, his fingers finding Tony’s to tangle them together tightly. There was a quick shift until their eyes were locked and Peter was gazing down at him with so much lust and affection.  He wanted so desperately to give in that his stomach was churning – the need and anxiety battled with each other every step of the way.

Instead of continuing the heavy petting from before, Peter kept their gazes locked – his hands running lightly down and around, then up and back until all of Tony relaxed. He used eyes and lips and arms to smash the surface of what Tony thought reality was, only to bring the truth to the forefront. His desire, the melting hot feeling of being consumed – there was merit to it, and it was returned so deliciously.

Sensing that Tony was finally settled, Peter got back to work – his lips trailed down Tony’s neck, across his collarbones and pecs with nips and licks following that very same path. He paused at each nipple, giving each nub a rundown until both were peaked and hard – the flesh sensitive to every touch now that the pleasure neurons were firing. The softest stubble of Peter’s five o’clock shadow drew soft sounds of joy from Tony’s lips – the idea of having beard burn on his body was insanely attractive; almost too much for his wrung-out soul.

Peter eventually stopped between his legs, that warm tongue of his worming out to trace along Tony’s length, down drawn up balls, across his perineum, and settling against his still tense pucker. He lathered the outside of the muscle with sweeps of a soft tongue and warm kisses – Peter’s ministrations dragging Tony even further under than before; his entire being was ablaze with the best kind of fire and heat.

Nimble fingers spread Tony’s cheeks for more room as Peter upped the stakes and started to go at Tony’s hole with vigor. Little by little, Tony felt the tip of Peter’s tongue press against his rim, each inch of it pressing in easier as the moments past. Every brush got Tony to open up a little further, his legs widening with each lick and press across his most private place.

Soon, a thumb joined in on the action, Peter pressing the digit in without any sort of preamble. Feeling a bit fuller, Tony forced his head up to take in the blissed-out look on Peter’s face. Though he was the one delivering all the pleasure at the moment, Peter looked like he belonged right where he was, settled between Tony’s legs bringing them one step closer to finally falling over the edge – together; the way it should be.

A quick fumble with the bedside table had lube in Peter’s hand, his fingers slick with it before either man could even blink. The added addition of long fingers to the already tantalizing push and pull of tongue and hole had Tony on edge, his cock almost completely untouched until that point. He let one, and then two fingers press into him without complaint – it’d been a long time since he even used fingers on himself, let alone allowing another person to do so. By the time Peter tried to push in with a third finger, Tony was panting with want – the tight bow of his body racked up and ready to release upon the slightest instance of a command.

The clench of muscle and heat around Peter’s fingers must’ve finally been enough for him – he gently removed his fingers from Tony’s ass and quickly fumbled with the lube bottle, the cap and his fingers a sticky-slick combination. While he worked that out, Tony tried not to mourn the fullness, his brain doing its best to remind the rest of him that Peter’s cock was inches away – and probably just as eager to drive home as Tony was.

About to turn over onto his belly, Tony was stopped by Peter’s hand on his shoulder. He gave him a curious look, his head tilting to the side in question.

“I want to be able to see your face,” Peter replied simply, the hand on Tony’s shoulder moving easily to press against his cheek. His thumb traced under Tony’s cheek bone – the caress filled with affection and meant to be calming.

Settling back against the mattress, Tony let out a small sigh. Peter immediately laid down over him, his weight pressing Tony even further into the bed. They shared a look as Peter shifted and moved, the head of his dick pressing against Tony’s entrance almost unexpectedly. With the slightest pressure, Peter popped inside of him, the stretch and burn there, but barely noticed.

Instead, Tony kept his eyes on Peter, their eyes dancing together with lust and want and need and safety – the intrinsic feeling of the rightness between them easing the way with every slow roll of Peter’s hips. Fully seated, Peter broke the gaze, resting his forehead against the side of Tony’s neck, instead. His lips were like liquid fire against Tony’s skin – every piece of him entering into that stage of delicious sensitivity.

“Oh god, Pete. You feel – “ Tony cut himself off when Peter started to thrust, the pleasure of it all robbing him of any tangible communication skills. Moans and pants filled the space instead, the pitch of his noises climbing in volume and intensity with every thrust.

Like most things between them so far, their coupling stayed pretty silent. Peter used touch to talk, instead – his hands gripped Tony’s hips, then shifted to press tightly into the thighs he was now holding up for better leverage for his own hips to thrust and move and roll in all of the right spots. He pressed kisses against Tony’s sweaty skin, and when things got really good, he let his teeth dig into the spot where neck and shoulder meet.

Tony felt his orgasm come on in little increments. His stomach filled with an untouchable heat. The warmth spread from there, down his limbs until each of his digits was completely overcome. When all was said and done, Tony felt the flare of that heat settle into the corner of his heart, the immensity of it dragging him down and under – his body and soul finally free.

Lips pressed against his ear again, Peter’s repeated “come on, come on – give in to me,” the soundtrack of first his orgasm, and then Peter’s right after. His voice shifted, Peter’s mumbled “Tony!” deep and gravely – low in the way that only something satisfying could bring out of someone.

Collapsing in a heap of limbs and sweat and the glorious scent of sex, Tony kept Peter wrapped up tightly against his chest – the thought of either of them going anywhere anytime soon more than Tony could possibly take. Peter was here now – the place in Tony’s arms belonged to him and this experience did nothing but drive that truth home.

He let a grin slip over his exhausted lips – the sedated look following him all the way into the deepest hour of sleep Tony Stark ever got.

Later, when cum and sweat and apprehension were washed away, Peter pulled Tony into the circle of his arms, the still wet strands of floppy hair resting against Peter’s chin. They laid in silence for a while, Tony’s only movement the soft brush of fingers up and back down a lean back.

“Thank you,” Tony mumbled, his arms tightening their hold.

Peter pressed kiss after kiss against whatever skin of Tony’s he could reach in their reclined position, his own grip tightening. “I’ll chase that hurt of yours, Tony. Just stay right here and we’ll get through it together.”

Glancing up, Tony let the words wash over him, let Peter see the way his promise affected him. They locked eyes for the hundredth time that day and with the utmost feeling of rightness, Tony nodded his head. He wanted to give in, wanted to take Peter up on the love and protection and companionship he was offering.

He nodded again, once more for emphasis, then tucked into the perfect Tony-sized spot against Peter’s side. Laying a soft kiss on the skin there, Tony felt himself sigh and relax – finally feeling himself giving in and letting go.

[tiesandtea]

An in-depth & really interesting review of Head Music’s various - often forgotten but actually brilliant - b-sides. Originally posted on The Vapour Trail London blog on 20 November 2019.

The folklore of early Suede and the B-sides compilation ‘Sci Fi Lullabies’ would lead the casual observer to believe that the band had peaked creatively to the point that post-1997 B-sides would not be worth investigating, however I believe differently and now, thanks to the reissues of ‘Head Music’, these can now be easily accessed for wider reappraisal.

Full article under the cut.

Coincidentally coinciding with the recent release of Brett Anderson’s second memoir ‘Afternoons with the Blinds Drawn’, Suede have issued the 20 year deluxe edition of their fourth album, ‘Head Music’. Their final number one album to date was issued in May of 1999 to much fanfare, following in the footsteps of their classic ‘Coming up’ in 1996, a record that spawned no less than five top ten singles and saw them achieve astronomical fame across Europe and Asia (indeed, Anderson remains a genuine celebrity in parts of Scandinavia as a direct result). Whilst ‘Head Music’ was a hit, its making has gone down in the annals of history as being even more fraught and littered with personal scandal than even that of their second album, ‘Dog Man Star’, the record that infamously served as original guitarist Bernard Butler’s swan song. The chief reason was Anderson’s spiralling addictions to heroin and crack, which in the eyes of the singer served to influence what he and many others deem the patchiness of the record. Indeed, when Suede first reissued their heyday albums back in 2011, Brett would include within the sleeve notes his own rewritten track listings in each, citing Suede’s fervent devotion to ensuring that their B-sides were up to the same quality as their singles and album tracks, thus costing the associated albums some potential improvements. Songs from the album that often raise debate amongst its makers and listeners include ‘Asbestos’, ‘Elephant Man’, and the almost universally-derided title track, a scrappy, crappy exercise in suggestiveness that even producer Steve Osborne initially refused to have anything to do with.

Perhaps due to all of this, the resultant B-sides of the album’s singles have been lost in time somewhat. Whereas the B-sides associated with the first three albums reached legendary status in such a short space of time that the band issued a compilation double album of nearly all of them in 1997, ‘Sci Fi Lullabies’, their 1999 counterparts are rarely spoken of within the same reverent breath. I would argue that this is vastly remiss to the point of sacrilege as, taken in one listenable chunk, they serve to create what on its own would be an incredible record.

But before we investigate further, it’s worth exploring the genesis of Suede’s musical direction at this point. As Brett and the band have noted many times over the years, Suede sought to follow each album with a record almost diametrically opposed to its predecessor stylistically. The kitchen sink gutter glam of their groundbreaking debut was consciously followed by an ambitious, widescreen and darker ‘Dog Man Star’, the pretension and bluster of which was then followed by a strict album of ‘ten singles’ in ‘Coming Up’. Each time, at least one B-side would serve as a blueprint for what would follow; 1993’s ‘High Rising’ and ‘The Big Time’ served very much of signposts for what would follow in 1994, and then again in 1995, Richard Oakes’ sexy glam pop of ‘Together’ would point the band towards ‘Coming Up’ in 1996. Here, they would seek to expand upon the sonic direction of Mat Osman-penned ‘Europe is Our Playground’, a song they so loved they reworked its arrangement live and subsequently re-recorded for the aforementioned B-Sides compilation of 1997. Caked in icy synths and led by a dub-inspired bass line, it signified something cold and electronic, the desolate melancholy of ‘Dog Man Star’ reimagined by Kraftwerk or Berlin-era Bowie. The band promised this new direction in interviews and the public’s appetite was whetted.

Early in 1998, as part of a Pet Shop Boys-curated tribute to Noel Coward’, the band released one of their prime hidden gems, a suitably synthetic and clinical version of the great writer’s ‘Poor Little Rich Girl’. Unfortunately this was shown to the masses on television via a mimed performance that saw an utterly wasted Anderson grinning inanely with zoned out eyes whilst trying not to fall off a chair. This performance distracted from the impressive song (also featuring the highly talented Raissa, who had supported Suede on their Coming Up tour, on vocals) and seemingly left no impression on anybody.

And so to fast forward to the album. The making of the record has been documented extensively not only in Anderson’s second autobiography but also in David Barnett’s authorised biography ‘Love and Poison’ and Mike Christie’s recent documentary set ‘The Insatiable Ones’. If you’re not familiar with the story, it is a jaw dropping tale of decadence, debauchery and depression, the likes of which have seemingly and thankfully been removed from the culture of music making today. Indeed, there’s not a lot of money around now for bands to blow on endless recording sessions fuelled by endless drug abuse. But what emerged was a flawed but often brilliant record that has stood the test of time well and honestly sounds as fresh as the day it was released. The album’s track list can and will continue to be debated but ultimately, had they shaved off two of the more superfluous numbers (I would argue that the title track serves no purpose as does the turgid closing track ‘Crack in the Union Jack’), it would likely be held in the same high regard as the vast portion of their other records. But we won’t dwell on that here.

First single ‘Electricity’ was accompanied by no fewer than five b-sides, all of which carry some merit. ‘Popstar’, a concise lyrical study of the relationship between fan and band, contains the kind of crystalline synths and dubby bass that the band had sought to highlight with their two musical blueprints prior to the album. Richard Oakes’ guitar parts are sparser than ever before but serve the song well, and the chorus is cold and epic in a way that takes the song from good to great. ‘Killer’, complete with a lyric that seems to expand upon the ficitonlised femme fatale of ‘Coming Up’s ‘She’, is more impressive still; a dark, brooding slice of electro-noir that slinks and stalks in the manner suggested by the song’s lyric. It builds and builds to a desperate crescendo and brings to mind the best of Depeche Mode at their ‘Violator’ zenith. ‘See That Girl’, complete with yearning Anderson vocals lamenting ‘this dog shit world’, is less impressive but still good. A real undersung high point of the time is the Neil Codling-written and sang ‘Waterloo’, an electronic folk classic that sees some beautifully melodic guitar lines almost acting as choruses, and a tenderness rarely reached by the band. The fifth and final b-side (it was on the minidisc – yes, minidisc – version of the single), is ‘Implement Yeah!’, an old co-write with Justine Frischmann where Brett parodies Mark E Smith to amusing effect over a gutter-punk thrash that the band premiered with Justine at the 1997 Reading Festival.

‘She’s in Fashion’ followed in 1999 and quickly became one of the band’s better known songs via endless radio play that perhaps contributed to it being their first single since ‘New Generation’ in 1995 not to reach the top ten. Looking back, I imagine the fact that you could walk into any shop at any time during that Summer and be exposed to it as one reason why fewer people bought it than they might otherwise. The B-sides rank among the band’s very best. ‘Bored’ continues where ‘Implement Yeah’ left off with a Stooges-like guitar thrash adorned by sweet synths and a classically anthem Suede chorus. During an interview at the end of 1999, Mat Osman threatened a harder, rockier direction for the next album which never did come to fruition and it’s possible that this would have been one of its blueprints. ‘Pieces Of My Mind’ is better still, and a rehearsal recording of it sounding very different can be found on the new reissue. Taking its cue from ‘Europe is Our Playground’, it is a dreamlike wander through almost psychedelic electronica and its lilting chorus imprints itself on your mind immediately. ‘Jubilee’, a Codling creation, is one of the best of the era and would probably have made for a better first single than ‘Electricity’, a romantic epic that chugs along like ‘Trash’ and bears a dramatic and addictive chorus that would surely have been incredible live. Perhaps the lyric was somewhat off-putting to the band, a blank retread of other songs including the ‘run with me’ hook of the ubiquitous ‘Europe’. If so, this is a shame as if we are to be honest (and Brett has said so numerous times himself), the entire era was marred by some seriously autopilot lyricism that was charming in places in its framing of the Suede lyrical lexicon of language, and just plain boring in others. The single is rounded off by the gorgeous ‘God’s Gift’, a simplistic piano piece aided and abetted by swirling synths and understated bass that had been written by Brett about Justine many years before. As with a few of Suede’s records (most notably the first album), the spectre and influence of Ms Frischmann lurks around the songs of this era but in perhaps a much more positive way; the two had rekindled their friendship prior to the making of the album and it was Justine’s love of new wave that inspired some of the music.

‘Everything Will Flow’, the great lost ballad of the era in the same way as ‘The Wild Ones’ had been five years prior, saw an interesting bag of B-sides attached that differed in style in a far more pronounced way than the two earlier singles. ‘Leaving’, which Brett sees as the ultimate casualty of this period, is prime Suede in its romantic portrait of a girl departing relationship for a new life, although the underlying sentiment is entirely opposite of that of ‘Another No One’ in 1996. Although still featuring synthesised textures, its abundance of gentle guitar and piano is much more organic and not only serves as an appropriate backing to the not dissimilar ‘Flow’ but also as a subtle nod to where the band would go next. ‘Weight of the World’ is entirely a Neil Codling construction as with the earlier ‘Digging a Hole’ on the ‘Lazy’ single of 1997, however here he is eschews piano in favour of nylon strung guitar. Ruminating on the idea of his own demise, the song finds Neil in introspective form and perhaps shows a window into how he must have been feeling at the time, his health suffering significantly during the making of the record resulting in a chronic bout of ME of which he would never fully recover. It is sad and beautiful and at the time I wondered whether he would one day make a solo record. To date, he never has. ‘Seascape’ is up next, an ambient instrumental piece at odds with the majority of Suede’s output (indeed I believe this is Suede’s sole instrumental within their canon). Pleasing and dreamy in a subtly Eno-esque way, it lures you into a false sense of security for what would follow. The final song of the ensemble is the shocking and brilliant ‘Crackhead’. Noted by Q at the time for its outlandish appeal, it remains one of the most captivating songs in Suede’s history. Built around a staccato electronic motif, it lurches and grinds in a manner the band never achieved before or since, as a hoarse Anderson vocal tears apart his own addiction to the ice with suitable ice. At the time, Brett was in recovery, however this sounds like an isolated howl from the depths of dependence. It roars and builds to a final shrieking chorus of ‘you can’t give it up’ which says all that really needed to be said.

The final single of the era, ‘Can’t Get Enough’, another candidate for what should have previewed the album in place of ‘Electricity’, limped to number 24 in the charts but boasted perhaps the greatest array of B-sides of all the singles. In archetypal Suede fashion, ‘Let Go’ cut an honest precursor to the musical way forward, which would culminate in the predominantly folky ‘A New Morning’. Three-layered harmonies and melodic acoustic strum back one of Richard Oakes’ finest guitar performances, chiming and chugging riffery that would be revisited on later single ‘Obsessions’. Brett’s lyrics convey an all-pervaying positivity minus the bland triteness of the single of the same name, capping off an irrestible euphoria that would be deemed suitable for release as an A-side in their commercial home from home that was Sweden. It’s a shame that they were unable to replicate the feeling of the song across the subsequent ‘A New Morning’ album, however upon reflection the fault may lie in the fact that said album would be over-produced to the point of clean-cut nothingness by the otherwise accomplished Stephen Street. Next song ‘Since You Went Away’ is folkier still and retains much of the same charm, with Brett lamenting the feeling of loss felt in the aftermath of a realtionship break-up. Again, this is truly lovely stuff and acts as a further blueprint for album number five that would never quite be capitalised on. Heading over to CD2, ‘Situations’ is powered by a synthesised Eastern motif and ponders the ‘lonely minds’ and ‘vacant stares’ typical of Anderson’s lyrics of the time. While slightly over long, it would have worked on ‘Head Music’ had it been the more darker record the band initially promised, and even to these ears sounds somewhat influential on final Suede single (at the time), 2003’s ‘Attitude’. The very final B-side of this era is the brilliant and biting ‘Read My Mind’. As with ‘Crackhead’, it reveals a starker, harsher sound complimented by the blank words defining a phase of depression, most likely revealing the way the writer was feeling at the time. The chorus harmonies add to the relentlessness of the piece and once it’s over, you’re honestly left wanting more.

So these B-sides make up the lost record of 1999 whilst also pointing towards Suede’s final record of their first run. The rockier record that Osman hinted at was surely influenced by the likes of ‘Bored’, ‘Crackhead’ and ‘Read My Mind’, whilst the likes of ‘Let Go’, ‘Leaving’ and ‘Since You Went Away’ were very definitely influences on what eventually did surface. The folklore of early Suede and the B-sides compilation ‘Sci Fi Lullabies’ would lead the casual observer to believe that the band had peaked creatively to the point that post-1997 B-sides would not be worth investigating, however I believe differently and now, thanks to the reissues of ‘Head Music’, these can now be easily accessed for wider reappraisal.

[silver-wield]

I’m sorry in advance. This is a long rant. I think the main reason I can't accept this "SOLDIER!Cloud loves A” thing is because I've always felt that the whole love triangle nonsense was introduced solely to make the players invested in A. Let's face it, the biggest reason people were devastated when she died is because they were invested in her potential romance with Cloud. It was the easiest and cheapest way to make sure the devs achieved their goal. (1/5)

But in their desperation to reach that goal at any cost, the devs ended up damaging other things along the way. Having Tifa in the background until A was out of the picture was such a dumb move. It’s obvious they didn’t want any other character to outshine her. Creating this illusion of Cloud loving A served no purpose in the story. And Aerith herself didn’t bond with anyone save for Cloud. These among many other things. To me, all that wavering thing was so unnecessary to the narrative. (2/5)

Things felt rushed, and A was put on a pedestal and shoved in the players’ faces along with the potential romance with her. It was clear to me that the devs just wanted people to like her so that they’d be devastated when she died. But I guess you can’t ask for too much of games/stories back in 1997. I’m sorry, but I just can’t accept people saying that SOLDIER!Cloud loved A. They hadn’t known each other that long, and 95% of the time, they had other things on their plate than romance. (3/5)

It’s not like they were dating or getting to know each other during the brief time they spent together. Also, I don’t mean to offend anyone, but saying the LTD is now ending because A is stepping out and pushing Cloud onto Tifa sounds so insulting. Like Tifa can’t win unless her competition steps out and hands her the man on a silver platter. This time around, I feel that the devs are trying to do things properly. A is finally taking the time to bond with other characters, especially Tifa. (4/5)

Her world doesn’t revolve around Cloud only anymore. Tifa is not in the background anymore, so now people can get to know her and get attached to her even early on. The romance with Tifa isn’t something that feels like it’s come out of the left field about 2/3 of the way in. There might’ve been hints but they were too subtle. Among many other improvements. Whatever the devs do, I just hope they give us the best version possible of the story this time around. Thanks for listening to my rant.(5/5)

Death to the LTD 1

Death to the LTD 2 (dialogue evolution)

Death to the LTD 3 (soldier Cloud’s acceptance)

Cloud’s hyper vigilance

That would be because the concept absolutely was introduced to make the players more invested in Aerith, so her death had a harder hit when it happened. It was a new thing back in 97 to have a love triangle and pretty much everybody was starting to do it. There’s tons of movies, tv series and books out during that time that showcase the trope.

And having 2 heroines, Aerith and Tifa, and having the hero waver between them, at the time that was something new. ~Kitase,  FFVII 10th Anniversary Ultimania pg. 11

I think everyone forgets the difference in technology between FF6 and FF7, not just graphically, but narratively, too. Back then, everything was new and everyone was still trying to find their feet and figure out evolving technology. I mean, it’s still evolving now, but those building blocks that form the base are still the same. Just because there’s now millions of polygons involved doesn’t take away the fact they’re still polygons. 

FF7 was Square’s first foray into using more sophisticated methods of game development and that impacted how the story came across. In previous games, the optional content or hidden story arcs that had to be found to be appreciated made the game more fun. The player had to wander around more and talk to everyone to get the full picture and since it worked before, they thought it’d work again. That people would replay and swap party members around to trigger the other scenes and gather the rest of the puzzle pieces for the fuller picture.

But, they forgot they were trying to make everyone love one specific character, which meant the best way to do that was to keep her in the party over everyone else. Which meant people cared less about the others until the point she leaves the party for good. And by that point, when these people replay they just want to spend even more time with her, so they still miss the other dialogues and scenes with other characters that build their storyline alongside this other character they’ve pressed everyone to care about.

And that’s how the LTD got started because they chose not to play the game fully and only focus on one character, they didn’t see the entire picture. And the guides out at the time didn’t help much on that side of things because they didn’t give narrative canon party suggestions so that players got the most out of the story in each location. 

Soldier Cloud loved Aerith?

Really? When they’ve been saying for years that soldier Cloud didn’t even exist or that we said he was really Zack and that’s why he’s into Aerith? It’s funny how the moment the devs confirm that real Cloud emerged to embrace Tifa they decided they could claim the dominant persona for their own, even though they also said that it was soldier Cloud who complimented Tifa, despite real Cloud not being the dominant persona. We even see visible evidence of the two aspects at war with each other in the honeybee inn scene before Cloud dances. That eye movement back and forth and expression of “fine, for Tifa” is an internal argument with the two aspects that soldier Cloud isn’t aware enough of to realise that’s what it is. If we take Soldier Cloud as the only personality then there’s no way he’d do that because it’s not cool, and soldier Cloud is always cool. He’s being made to dance because of real Cloud’s desire to rescue Tifa. 

Aerith steps out...

Yeah, I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but the overall sentiment is that Aerith is refusing to do what happened in OG.

More importantly, though, and the thing I focused on in my death to the LTD, is Cloud’s behaviour and reaction and feelings. Because he’s soldier Cloud. Real Cloud isn’t part of the LTD because he already chose Tifa. Soldier Cloud is the focus of the LTD because he’s the one who misinterpreted real Cloud’s feelings and focused them on the wrong girl. This time, we see clear evidence throughout all of his interactions that he is also choosing Tifa.

In the train tunnel, while it’s real Cloud’s motivation to protect Tifa, Soldier Cloud is the one who carries out the roll. Then, it’s Soldier Cloud who kisses her cheek, the same as it’s Soldier Cloud who calls her beautiful. Because he’s the one flirting. Real Cloud’s desire is the motivator for him to do it, but it’s Soldier Cloud doing the thing.  Same with every single flirty interaction. Real Cloud’s emergence is only confirmed by the devs twice in the game and both times relate to Tifa. Real Cloud’s hand twitches with the urge to comfort her and then real Cloud hugs her. 

Everything else is only motivated by his love and desire for her, which means everything else is Soldier Cloud acting on those feelings.

The single moment of wavering from him is literally within the LTD nod scene in the train graveyard when Aerith grabs his arm. He doesn’t react when she does it, stays silent, leans away. He’s not showing her a preference. Then, he looks at and agrees with Tifa, which is showing a clear bias towards her. 

Then right before Tifa grabs Cloud’s arm, his eyes start to shift towards Aerith. This is the reference to OG Cloud wavering, but then before he can even look at Aerith, he spots Tifa’s hands in his peripheral vision, gasps, then looks at and smiles at her. 

That’s the result of Cloud’s wavering. He chose Tifa. After that, there’s zero LTD scenes and in fact, there’s a humorous shot of Tifa looking towards the camera after Cloud leaps on her to save her from the falling train carriage and Aerith thanks him for saving both of them. He didn’t save both of them. Didn’t even try. 

I don’t think there’s gonna be anything to worry about going forward because one thing Nojima learned from letting things be “open for interpretation” is that his work gets butchered. 

Since FF7, other FF titles he’s worked on -

FF8: Squall and Rinoa kiss.

FF10: Yuna and Tidus kiss.

FFCC: Aerith and Zack hug

FF13: Snow and Serah kiss and get engaged.

FF15 (when it was originally vs): Noctis and Luna kiss.

If anyone learned their lesson from this LTD mess, it’s Nojima, but he’s been restricted when it comes to 7 by the suits - which is one of the hidden graffiti meta messages in the train tunnel that refers to why Cloti was never made more explicit. 

“They tell you to go with the flow so they can keep the status quo.”

Since this is the last of the FF7 compilation the suits have relaxed the reins on the LTD, so that Nojima can write the story as he sees fit, which I would guess is down to the fact they did sales projections and figured out that FF7 would be massively successful and has in fact also boosted sales of PS4 consoles because people specifically bought the console to play FF7R. With the new mysteries and twists to keep fans talking about the game until the next installment is out, they don’t need to hold onto this outdated LTD concept that everyone hates and isn’t anything the company wants to associate with because of how toxic and nasty it is. They’re a Japanese company having to hear these so called fans talking about how Tifa is a “typical Asian girl” or whatever tf they call her. It’s disgusting. Square yeeted the guys behind Genesis because of the controversy around them, so to have fans like this associated with one of their most popular and iconic titles? Yeah, that ain’t happening. 

[hijitae]

Five Key HijiTae Moments

Original post on my main blog here. Re-posting a version here on this side blog, so that it’s easier to read.

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I’ve been shipping Hijikata x Tae /土妙 since 2007, and as self-proclaimed captain of this ship, I’ve sailed without expecting a canon ending. Indeed, I expected nothing more beyond the Yagyuu arc, but Sorachi gave me even more moments to be thankful for - five of which are compiled in this post as a final send-off.  

Before I begin, I wish to convey my gratitude to @arirna​, who is the chief officer of the HijiTae ship, as well as the Tsukuyo to my Tae, our ladies whom we adore so much. I’ve much enjoyed all our numerous discussions on many topics. You make great gifs (thanks for granting my requests! And for allowing me to use and link them in this post because I couldn’t figure out how to embed just one gif from a single post, woe is me), and you’ve long been a staunch supporter of the ship. I will never be able to thank you enough, my friend!

Now then, to the Moments:

I’ve written a summarized analysis of HijiTae and why I like them as a ship before, along with brief mention of other viable Tae and Hijikata ships heavily implied in canon (Kondou, Kyuubei, Mitsuba), so I’m not going to get into them for this post, which is purely to celebrate each HijiTae moment, counting down to what I feel is the most important one.

(5) Episode 18, the “Underwear Thief”

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“Tear him apart.”

“Dismember him and stomp him into the ground.”

“Hey! Both of you are getting very scary!”

Hijikata and Okita are not present in the original manga story arc, but they are added to the anime (no doubt to appeal to audiences with their growing popularity at the time). This is the first instance that made me see the appeal of their potential relationship, as well as the potential friendship that can result from their rare interactions. Early on in the series, I had no particular ships in mind until I watched this episode. Hijikata and Tae start talking about the best ways to torture somebody, and they eventually get so out of hand with their discussion, complete with shoujo anime bubbles and all, that Shinpachi breaks them up because they are too terrifying together. And, indeed, they would be the most terrifying couple in the country.

(4) Character Poll Arc

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“As long as you are around, Shinsengumi, including Kondou-san, won’t be able to stand alone at the top.”

“So you intend to eliminate the woman who is the source of your boss’ scandalous behaviour? I would expect no less from the Demon Vice-Chief. You’re used to doing dirty work.”

Dashing the Fourth Wall to pieces, this arc addresses the original concepts behind some of the characters, particularly those that are based on real historical figures. When Tae rallies Kyuubei, Kagura, Tsukuyo, and Sacchan together to stand against the men, Hijikata and Katsura soon accost them – one to Tae and the other to Kyuubei, and both line-ups make the best sense for each character. Katsura and Kyuubei bicker over their shared characteristics, and they also know each other better since Katsura was once invited to Kyuubei’s birthday party. Tae also knows Katsura, but she’s very familiar to the Shinsengumi for obvious reasons. Hijikata and Tae facing off allows Kondou to seamlessly return to the scene, since he has closer ties to Hijikata and Tae. 

What I enjoy about this interaction is the way Tae is fearless around Hijikata; his demon nickname and reputation don’t intimidate her. She knows just how to push his buttons, too, teasing him about his voice actor and how historians have a bone to pick with such brazen depictions of famed samurai. As for Hijikata, he reveals that he knows just how much of a powerful force she is, wielding great influence over the Shinsengumi, impacting their reputation with their commander under her thumb.

This interaction shows the potential for fun bantering and bickering between them. They don’t hesitate to challenge one another, and as we see in the top two moments below, they also don’t hesitate to support or defend one another/what’s important to them for the other’s sake.

(3) Timeskip Arc

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“Please, for our child’s sake, we have to run away! To a world without gorillas!”

“Did you think something like this would fool me? Give me the kid and scram. I’ll look after him.”

Never in my wildest imagination did I think Sorachi would give us a canon child for this ship. Togoro is the hypothetical son of Hijikata and Tae in an otherwise hilarious farce of a story arc. Tae is noted to be pregnant and married to Kondou, and then gives birth within an hour to a baby whose father is revealed to be Hijikata. She wants to run off with him and raise their child together. Hijikata refuses, saying he will raise the child as a single father. And then he proceeds to name the child (as a fifteenth son and as a combination of his and Tamegoro’s names) and begs Shinpachi to let Togoro live.

Some people say Tae’s ambition was to have a child with Hijikata. To me, it’s more like she envisioned a soap opera plot line, typical of the drama series she watches, especially since when she and Hijikata first talk in the Yagyuu arc, she imagined Kondou and Hijikata vying for her affections in true theatrical style. She could have had that baby with somebody else, but once again, Hijikata is in the mix, and probably made for a more dramatic soap opera story line of a woman caught between the police chief and his deputy.

As for Hijikata’s ambition, well, it’s a little hard to say since he and Shinpachi were the stand-in for the audience, trying to unravel this mystery of a wart-infused world only to find that they had become warts themselves. At least we see that Hijikata, once confronted with the possibility of fatherhood, was willing to take responsibility. He’s not explicitly interested in Tae as a romantic prospect, and I don’t expect it since Sorachi would and should have written obvious interest (something that people can’t deny) between them right from the start, so that it would make sense later.

But, it doesn’t change the fact that Togoro is Hijikata and Tae’s hypothetical son and theirs alone, warts and all.

(2) Farewell Shinsengumi Arc

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“If you really do want to drink, I don’t mind spending a while with you.”

“If you poured it for me with that face, I wouldn’t be able to drink it.”

There are few moments that have triggered Hijikata into fierce emotional reaction. He has shed tears for Mitsuba, the Shinsengumi’s disbandment and Kondou’s arrest, and Kondou’s revival. He’s gotten angry on behalf of not only Kondou, but also Tetsunosuke for what Isaburou was doing and saying to him. Hijikata is short-tempered, most of the time for comedic purposes, and he’s endured many ordeals in his young life, so it takes a lot to push him over the edge into true sorrow and true rage.

Nobu Nobu cuts the neck (actually does cut it in the manga) of a teary-eyed Tae, who defended Kondou and his reputation. She knows she could easily lose her life for going against the Shogun. That was the reason Hijikata had held back on doing or saying anything. Perhaps he feared anything he might do would advance Kondou’s execution, threaten the remaining Shinsengumi, and further endanger civilians’ lives. Feeling he could do nothing, he stood there, taking the shame and the mockery from both Isaburou and Nobu Nobu – that is, until Tae’s life is threatened. And, finally, Hijikata reacts with a terrifying gleam of rage in his eyes.

This is the kind of trope that comes standard with any kind of ship, romantic or platonic, when someone shows great concern and fury for another being threatened. If this were another series, people would be proclaiming “canon” all over the place, but in this fandom, very few acknowledge this scene, and they skip over to other parts instead. But that doesn’t make Hijikata or Tae’s acts insignificant.

As for Tae, we’ve seen her shed tears of sorrow for Kyuubei, for Hajime, and now for Kondou. While it has taken many chapters to reach this point, it’s clear she respects and believes him to be a good man. Standing up to a tyrannical shogun at this point in the story could mean immediate execution. Tae risked her life to defend Kondou, to stand up for what she believed in, and it did not go unnoticed. We know how devoted Hijikata is to Kondou, how his arrest left Hijikata in such a broken state of mind, but Tae’s defense and life-threatening moment sparked something once more; the catalyst needed for when the rest of the Shinsengumi reignited that fire within.

Of course, it could have been anyone else, and Hijikata would have done his best to ensure no civilians are harmed. But he wasn’t able to move or act during that time of mockery by his enemies. He said and felt he couldn’t do anything at all with Kondou gone. But I think hearing Tae’s impassioned speech, sharing in her belief that Kondou would never conduct himself so shamefully, inspired him to act. He knows Tae is important to Kondou, and I like to think Tae is important enough to Hijikata as a comrade, as a friend—and the potential for more is what fans love about this scene.

Kozenigata did call the Shinsengumi, “her police,” and that includes Hijikata. It’s why she played a role in the Farewell Shinsengumi arc, and in the Silver Soul arc, she welcomed them back home to Edo. The Shinsengumi admire, fear, and respect Tae, and so her police they remain.  

(1) Yagyuu Arc

Gif Source. (Permission granted to hyperlink gifs, so please like or reblog from the original post, thank you.)

“I…am the worst, aren’t I? In the end…going off on my own…I got other people hurt because of it. Causing trouble for Kyuu-chan…and for everyone else. Even though I couldn’t see it through until the very end, I did it with such half-hearted conviction… What I did in the end wasn’t for anyone’s sake.”

“You’re not a Buddha. Did you think you could save everyone in front of you? No matter how many bones you break trying, there are things you can save and things you can’t. So what? Is your way of life so fragile that it would break with this? Now, if there was someone who could be saved by your so-called half-hearted kindness…what would you do?”

This is the official first HijiTae moment within Sorachi’s manga canon: the Yagyuu arc launched two new Tae ships. You’d think the previous moment would be the culmination of everything, but it is the beginning that I find the most important because it shows that Hijikata and Tae are capable of civil conversation and speaking to one another as equals.

We first start out with a comedic exchange in which Tae thinks Hijikata has come to battle for her heart against Kondou, followed by a brief banter of which drama series best suits Kondou and Tae’s imaginary tales. But the point of his visit is to convince Tae to marry Kondou just to help him avoid marrying a gorilla. He earns bonus points for saying that “No means no” when a woman declines.

Later, after the main events of the arc, Tae invites everyone back to Snack Smile to apologize to them, but they’re present at Kondou’s wedding. Only Hijikata goes, and I think he went back because he knows Tae has a good heart. He doesn’t ask her specifically to marry Kondou again, but he listens to her outpouring of feelings over the situation. He then gives practical advice, and in a roundabout way, asks if she will consider just saving Kondou from his wedding at least. And Tae does.

What I love about this arc is their conversations – from casual and fun to serious and thought-provoking – and it didn’t take them hundreds of chapters to reach that point. They arrived there easily and naturally. This quiet moment of introspection they share was more than enough for me to solidify my love for them, and that fondness for the HijiTae ship has continued on for over a decade.

BONUS: Soul Switch Arc

A bonus only because it doesn’t strictly involve the two of them alone.

People often forget that Tae only blushed after Hijikata-in-Gintoki’s-body flirted with her. She was charmed by Hijikata’s way of flirting, which was very genteel and sincere and a bit impassioned, much like the way he wrote Shinpachi’s letter for Kirara. When Gintoki-in-Hijikata’s body attempted his usual way of flirting, Tae was unimpressed, aside from being skeptical that Hijikata would truly proposition her. However, once she took it as truth, she was more than willing to consider him a prospect.

The only major moments in which Tae was romantically attracted to Gintoki was when he lost his memories and original personality, and when he was actually Hijikata. She has also mentioned desiring and approving of a partner with a stable income (Soul Switch and Host Club arc), and I can see someone more traditional, not to mention stricter in handling one’s responsibilities, fitting in better with her lifestyle (hence why Kondou and Kyuubei are the other commonly teased ships), whereas Gintoki is more unconventional about life, going at his own pace. Tae always bases her life around goals and working toward them; she’s not the type to sit around, doing nothing, waiting only to welcome people home when she has a life and dream of her own, too. While the Yorozuya were absent (sans Shinpachi, who stayed behind), Tae moved on with her life and started a new business while keeping her dojo intact.

There are some other minor interactions (not to mention that Otose and Tatsugoro parallel), but these five are the most important and relevant. 

And there you have it. This is a summary of why I enjoy the Hijikata x Tae ship so much. They are both people who hold fast to their convictions, and who do their best to be strong for others’ sake, both leading, respectively, a district and a military police force. They are capable of comedic and civil conversations with one another; prone to bickering but also fighting for one another’s cause based on what they feel is right. At the very least, they remain friends and comrades in the end.

Nothing changes what Sorachi wrote about and for them. It was all his decision, not mine, and if others can celebrate moments for their ship, then there’s no reason I can’t, either. All the negative arguments people throw at me, I have addressed before, so I will not waste time doing so again. I’m not obligated to respond or justify a fictional ship to strangers on the Internet at their demand. Fandom is not a monolith required to bend to a single person’s will, and liking one ship doesn’t cause the erasure of others (that line of reasoning is beyond ridiculous). If you don’t like the ship, the simplest thing is to move on with your life and forget the ship exists.

[howaminotinthestrokesyet]

Behind The Album: In Utero

The third and final studio album from Nirvana was released in September 1993 via DGC records. The band wanted to make a clear departure from how their second album sounded. They felt that their huge hit album, Nevermind, was too polished as a record. The producer of that second LP, Butch Vig, would later note that Kurt Cobain needed to “reclaim his punk ethics or cred.” For his part Cobain would tell Rolling Stone in early 1992 that the record would have elements to it much more raw then found on the second album. However, he did emphasize the fact that the pop sound would not disappear entirely. He had hoped to start working on it l in the middle of 1992, but distance between band members getting together was an issue as they all lived in different cities. Another issue came in the fact that Courtney Love was expecting their first child. DGC was hoping to release a new record by Christmas of the year, but instead they were forced to go with the compilation album of all the early material from Sub Pop, Incesticide. For In Utero, Cobain showed interest in working with former producer of Bleach, Jack Endino and Steve Albini. They brought in Endino to work on a few instrumentals for the record that were eventually re-recorded, and he was never asked to produce in any capacity. The group went back and forth debating whether to hire Albini or not. In January 1993, the group recorded another set of demos while on tour in Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. This would later become the track, “Gallons of Rubbing Alcohol Flow Through the Strip,” which originally had the working title of I’ll Take You Down to the Pavement. The latter represented a direct reference to an argument between Cobain and Guns N’ Roses frontman Axl Rose at the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards. The band finally decided to go with Albini as a producer despite his reputation of strict discipline within the studio and remaining one of the most opinionated producers out there. He was said to have referred to Nirvana as “REM with a fuzz box, unremarkable Seattle sound.” He would later say that his decision to work with the band came out of sympathy, feeling smaller groups like Nirvana were at the mercy of the record label. This particular statement should be taken with a grain of salt as Nirvana had just released the biggest record since Appetite for Destruction. Cobain had been a fan of the producer based on his work with the Pixies and the Breeders.

Producer Albini wanted to complete recording within a strict two week timeframe. Nirvana paid for the recording sessions themselves on Albini’s suggestion to avoid interference from the record label. The band paid him $24,000 for his services, while he refused any royalties whatsoever, which would have amounted to $500,000. He would continually say that royalties were immoral and a complete insult to the artist. They recorded at Pachyderm Studios in Cannon Falls, Minnesota in February 1993. Krist Novoselic would compare the environment to a gulag. “There was snow outside, we couldn't go anywhere. We just worked." Nirvana during this time emphasized to the record company that they wanted absolutely no interference from them, which meant they did not share anything from these sessions with their A & R representative. For his part, Steve Albini followed suit by only speaking with members of the band. He characterized anyone associated with the group as “pieces of shit.” After a short delay, the band's equipment finally arrived, so the actual recording of the album went very quickly. Each track began with the group playing together as one doing the instrumental aspect of it. For some tracks, Dave Grohl did the drums in the kitchen due to the natural acoustics sounding better. Albini had also surrounded his drums with 30 microphones for each track. They did not remove any take from the album, but instead kept them all. Cobain even added more guitar parts at the end of each day before doing the vocals. Although Albini had a reputation for being opinionated, he let Nirvana decide what to keep. “Generally speaking, [Cobain] knows what he thinks is acceptable and what isn't acceptable [...] He can make concrete steps to improve things that he doesn't think are acceptable." They did all of their musical work in six days, while Cobain said that it was the easiest recording he had ever done. Albini proceeded to mix the album in five days, which actually was slow by his standards because he usually only spent 1 to 2 days on it.

After completion, the band began to send the unmastered tapes to various people including the president of the DGC records. They absolutely hated it saying the songwriting was mediocre, the entire album was unlistenable, and radio would never except Albini’s production. Cobain took the comments personally to mean that the label wanted him to start from scratch and record again with a new producer. He would say, “I should just re-record this record and do the same thing we did last year because we sold out last year—there's no reason to try and redeem ourselves as artists at this point. I can't help myself—I'm just putting out a record I would like to listen to at home." Yet, the group remained dead set on releasing this version of the record as late as April 1993. They had played it for a number of their friends, who had liked it. The singer said, “Of course, they want another Nevermind, but I'd rather die than do that. This is exactly the kind of record I would buy as a fan, that I would enjoy owning." Around this time, some doubts crept up with all members of Nirvana because the mix of In Utero did not sound right. They asked Albini to possibly remix the record, and he flat out refused. “[Cobain] wanted to make a record that he could slam down on the table and say, 'Listen, I know this is good, and I know your concerns about it are meaningless, so go with it.' And I don't think he felt he had that yet ... My problem was that I feared a slippery slope." They took the record to Bob Ludwig for mastering, while at the same time mentioned their issues with the mix to him. Upon completion, Krist Novoselic said he was happy with the result, but Cobain still felt it was not perfect. At this time, Steve Albini gave an interview with the Chicago Tribune, where he doubted whether the record would ever be released. Newsweek would run another article that echoed the comments made by Albini. This caused Nirvana to write a full page letter to the magazine denying the label was putting any undue pressure on them. The same letter would be reproduced as a full page ad in Billboard not long after. The head of Geffen Records, who owned DGC made the unprecedented move of actually calling Newsweek to complain. The band thought about having Andy Wallace remix the release, but once again Albini refused saying they had only agreed to work with him. At the time, the producer also would release any of the tapes that were now in his possession. He only did so after a phone call from Krist Novoselic. The entire album for the most part was not changed at all, except for a remastering. Yet, the producer continually made comments that it was nowhere near the album he recorded in Minnesota. “The record in the stores doesn't sound all that much like the record that was made, though it's still them singing and playing their songs, and the musical quality of it still comes across." He would go on to say that major labels refused to work with him for the next year or so because of In Utero.

As for the music, the producer wanted to go as far away as possible from Nevermind with this record. He felt that the second album made the group look incredibly bad because it had been overproduced at such a level to make it extremely radio friendly. He wanted to create a much more natural sound for the group. The 1993 Nirvana biography, Come As You Are, noted the vision for the band on this record. “The Beatlesque 'Dumb' happily coexists beside the all-out frenzied punk graffiti of 'Milk It,' while 'All Apologies' is worlds away from the apoplectic 'Scentless Apprentice.' It's as if [Cobain] has given up trying to meld his punk and pop instincts into one harmonious whole. Forget it. This is war." If one goes through the track listing, you can count which tracks are over the top punk, and which tracks are more radio friendly pop. The interesting thing is that they correspond equally, 6 to 6. Fans and critics alike would talk about how abrasive In Utero turned out to be, but Cobain and Novoselic really did not see it that way. The bass player had said the band had always had songs as they are found on In Utero. Yet, the group did consciously try to bring fans into the more punk sounding songs by releasing the first two singles that could have realistically been included on Nevermind. Some of the songs found on the record had been written years prior as early as 1990. Cobain used various points of inspiration for the lyrics. The track “Frances Farmer” came from a 1978 biography of the Seattle figure called Shadowland. “Scentless Apprentice” originated from a horror novel that the singer had read by Patrick Suskind. One of the central themes found on the album noted in that same Nirvana biography from 1993 was the fact that every song talked about sickness or disease in some manner. Although Cobain said the lyrics were very impersonal to him, many disagreed with this assessment. Dave Grohl would say this in an interview. “A lot of what he has to say is related to a lot of the shit he's gone through. And it's not so much teen angst anymore. It's a whole different ball game: rock star angst." The singer continued to argue that much of the album had been written years prior to any issues he was going through at the time. For example, “Rape Me” quite possibly could be talking about his frustration with the media in how he has been portrayed over the past couple of years. The track “Serve the Servants” seemed to specifically talk about Cobain’s father and how divorce affected him from a very early age. The Nirvana frontman wanted his father to know that he did not despise him, but he also had no desire to be around him whatsoever. One track, “Gallons of Alcohol Flow Through the Strip,” was actually one of the only improvisational tracks they ever recorded. The song represented a jam session that the group would frequently participate in in during down times at the studio. They had done this quite often, but this would be the first time that it was ever recorded in some form.

Upon its release, the record label took a very low key approach to promoting the album. None of the singles would come out commercially in the United States, as they concentrated all of their press releases at media specializing in alternative music. The band remained convinced that there was absolutely no way that In Utero would sell even a quarter of what Nevermind sold. The record would debut at number one on the charts selling 180,000 copies in its first week. They sold this many copies without big retail chains like Kmart and Walmart selling it because officially the demand was not there. The truth was actually these chains feared backlash due to the graphic nature of the artwork accompanying the album. In March 1994, an edited version of the album would be released with new artwork and alternative song titles. The band made this concession saying they wanted fans who could not go to a traditional record store to be able to purchase the LP. Following the death of Cobain. the third single “Pennyroyal Tea” was canceled, as well as any tour plans. Immediately following his death, the popularity of In Utero on the charts increased by 122% from 72 to 27. The album would eventually be certified five times platinum.

Critics were not unanimous in the praise of In Utero. For the most part, rock writers really liked the new sound from Nirvana. Time’s Christopher John Farley noted that once again perhaps the mainstream may need to go to Nirvana, rather than the other way around. David Browne of Entertainment Weekly emphasized the absolute contrasts on the release. “The music is often mesmerizing, cathartic rock & roll, but it is rock & roll without release, because the band is suspicious of the old-school rock clichés such a release would evoke." David Fricke of Rolling Stone would say that the record was both “brilliant and corrosive,” but undoubtedly a “triumph of the will” for Kurt Cobain. NME’s John Mulvey did not share the same sentiment as he observed the album really was not up to par with previous Nirvana standards. The review from Plugged In did not mince words saying it had absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever. Some reviews became quite bittersweet as you are reminded of Cobain’s suicide. Q said this about the record. "If this is how Cobain is going to develop, the future is lighthouse-bright." Ben Thompson of the Independent merely seemed happy that the record did not represent the punk rock nightmare the group had continually threatened to release. In Utero would go on to top several end of the year lists as one of the best albums including Rolling Stone, Village Voice, and the New York Times. The band would even receive a Grammy nomination in 1994 for Best Alternative Album. As time has passed, critics have lavished even more phrase on it seeing their work with Albini as far superior to Nevermind. Charles R. Cross would write in his Cobain biography, “If it is possible for an album that sold four million copies to be overlooked, or underappreciated, then In Utero is that lost pearl." Pitchfork named it the 13th best album of the 1990s, while it even made Rolling Stone’s list of the 500 Greatest Albums of All Time. NME named it number 35 on its greatest albums of all time list creating quite a sense of irony since the periodical did not think too much of the album at the time of its release.

[thethoughtsfromthreeam]

Monument Woman

Pairing: Marcus Pike x OC (Rosemary Carter)

Warnings: Angst, Death (y’all knew it was coming)

A/N:  I am so glad I went on vacation!  I’ve got a renewed interest in this story and I knocked out several new chapters over the last few days. I am also feeling the other stories I’ve got half cooked up.  I need to take a mini vacation more often!

Reminder: I ain’t ever seen Pedro Pascal in FUCK ALL, I’m just coming up with this as I go along, using imdb.com, wiki, and 84,000 tabs I got open to plan out this shit.  I also write soft versions of his characters so if you’re craving asshole vibes, I ain’t got any but my own to offer.

Tag List:

@zeldasayer​ , @beskars​ , @coolmaybelateruniverse​ , @the-feckless-wonder​ , @pascalisthepunkest​ , @mandoandyodito​ , @randomness501​ , @fioccodineveautunnale​  , @ahopelessromanticwritersworld​ , @lilkermit14​ , @tortles   [please message me to be added or subtracted]

Part 4 – Good-bye is so Harsh, Just Say See You Later

“Dammit!”  Agent Fitzgerald slammed his fist on the table, startling everyone in the room. Agent Armand peered at him over her glasses and he ducked his head under her steady, motherly gaze.  Everyone went back to the work in front of them as Pike and Carmichael came over to see what the fuss was about.

The junior agent sighed as he leaned his head back.  He had been working to clear up some surveillance video they got from a museum in Wisconsin who had reported a piece stolen in the 1990s. It took him three days to piecemeal the tape back together, which had deteriorated over the years due to bad storage. Then it took another week to render it clear enough to see what was going on.  While the original notes state that the tape was grainy, the original agents didn’t clarify that the video looked as if someone smeared Crisco over the lens.

But finally, Fitzgerald had it watchable and as he peered closely at the tape, a subtle changed occurred, causing his outburst.  When he looked up and saw Pike and Carmichael, he waved for them to sit down and started the digital video again.

“Tell me what you see?”  The two agents watched the tape as the gallery sat devoid of people for the entirety of ten minutes.  They sat back when the video ended and looked at the man watching them.  “You missed it, didn’t you?”

“Missed what?” Questioned Carmichael, curious as to what he was talking about.

“The jump.”  They looked at him and he gave a sardonic chuckle, knowing that they missed what the original agents missed back then.  He rewound the tape to about the halfway point and started it again.  This time, the partners leaned in and stared closely at the video.  Fitzgerald knew when they saw the skip because both sets of eyebrows shot up at the same time.

“Whoever this crew is, they know where the cameras are and how to alter them.”  The man leaned back and rubbed his eyes.  “And they know how to make it look seamless.  Although the analog video was grainy, I didn’t catch it the first time I saw it digitally.”

“I think we need to get all the rest of the videos that we can review.” Pike sat back, his brain already working up a plan.  “How long will it take you to review all the tapes?”

“I’m not sure, not more than a couple of days, assuming I don’t have to fix them like I did this one.”  Came the reply.  The special agent nodded, his eyes unfocused as he began to add this new information into his mental files.

“Pike, what are you thinking?”  Carmichael stood up, waving over Agent Horacio.  She mumbled to them that she needed all the tapes from all the cases gathered up and given to Fitzgerald.  They nodded and walked off to begin the task at hand.

“I’m thinking we need to go back and ask people about their surveillance systems.  If we can prove even the private collections had tampered videos, then this isn’t an inside job like we originally thought, it might be more.  And we need to recognize this is more sophisticated than we’ve been giving them credit for.”  The two agents looked at him and nodded with a shared smile.  After working on these cold cases for months, they had something to go on – finally.

-*-

“Hey Carmichael, I’m going to run out for lunch, you want anything?” Pike stuck his head into her office, eyebrows slightly raised.  She poked her head up, her dark eyes look dull and bleary.  “You look exhausted, maybe you should go home.”

“Maybe you should be quiet for a moment Pike.”  Her voice sounded scratchy and lower than normal.  “And come here for a second, I need another pair of eyes.

Her partner walked over to the desk, taking silent note that she looked smaller and the exhaustion was etched into her face.  Taking up a spot next to her chair, Pike leaned over to read what she was pointing at.  One of the junior agents had created a compilation of quotations from the original interviews in each of the cold cases and then a list of ones from the new interviews they had been conducting since June.  She watched him as he skimmed the papers and as his eyebrows rose higher on his forehead, her tired smile got bigger and bigger.  He glanced over at her.

“Is this all true?”  His voice sounded excited and she vigorously nodded.  “Oh my god, Carmichael!”

“I know Pike!  I had Horacio and Fitzgerald both review this before I looked at it.  Every single one of these cases were executed the same way. This is one team we’re hunting, and they were responsible for every single case.”

Pike started to laugh in relief. There had been concern among him, Carmichael, and Armand that they were looking at unrelated cases or possible copycats, which did little to narrow their search.  But the interviews showed the same pattern every single time, the original agents just never cross-matched their case with any open ones.

“They’ve been able to actively do this since, what?  1982?  I’m going to go out on a limb and say it’s the same group but may have had different people over the years.  No way someone who was forty in 1982 is still out here robbing the say way almost forty years later.”  Pike looked at Carmichael.

“You’re probably right but let me take it a step further and say they kept their theft team the same as long as they could.  Someone new comes in, they learn the ways of the crew and as old members died or went to jail, new members came in.  But I bet at least two-thirds of the crew were long-timers and so that’s why there was little to no deviation from case to case.  The newbies become the experts by the time more new kids are recruited.”  She paused. “Which I think is how all these cases ultimately were executed in virtually the same way over such a long period of time.”

“So, what we have is a sophisticated theft ring that spans nearly forty years and at least seven countries.  They are so good that not one of the thirty pieces stolen have been recovered nor had the cases been connected until recently.  And of course, they are all still out there, not having been caught for these specific crimes.”  Pike stood up and scratched his jaw, the dark stubble rough under his fingertips.  “What does that sound like to you?”

Carmichael closed the folder and sat back in her chair.  The dull look to her eyes gave away to their more familiar sparkle as she bared her teeth in a bright smile.

“Sounds like mafia to me.”

---***---

Rosemary shifted in the bed, letting Banana wiggle his way between her body and Robert’s emaciated frame.  In the week since she had dinner with him and Fern, his progress went downhill rapidly, and Rosemary rarely left the room.  Although the late September day was chilly, all the windows were open because he wanted to smell Saugatuck.

As the dog got comfortable, she laid her head back down on the pillow and rested her arm on his warm body so she could take Robert’s hand into hers. The last forty-eight hours had been the hardest as he delved further and further into delusion, speaking in a foreign language one moment and in English the next.  Sometimes he spoke of names that were unfamiliar to her, as if he were remembering a time many years ago.

The sun was lowering in the sky when Robert turned his head and glanced towards the young woman next to him.  For a long moment they looked at each other, the silence between them worn and old and comfortable.  But something in Robert, his old self, fought to the top and through the delusion to speak to her, his voice cracking under the strain.

“I love you Rosie.  I always have.  You are my daughter as sure as if I fathered you myself.”  He could see the tears forming in her eyes and her throat moving as she tried to swallow them, not wanting him to see her cry.  She nodded at him.

“I love you, Robert.  Thank you for being in my life.”  He smiled and closed his eyes, sighing.  They laid like that for another hour before he opened his eyes again and looked at her. He scanned her face as if trying to memorize her freckles or her hazel eyes or that weird scar on her forehead. He finally looked her in the eye and smiled.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.  And as the sun set, he was gone.  Banana lifted his head and began to cry as Rosemary let her tears flow. She scooted over and wrapped herself around Robert and cried and cried.  A small part of her seemed to die with him as she felt empty – far emptier than when Pops and Grams died.  

She was truly alone now.

---***---

“Rose?”  A soft knock came at the bathroom door, Amy’s lilting voice on the other side sounded muffled through the wood.  “Honey?”

Rosemary sat on the toilet, slumped over and her face in a daze.  Her hands rested on her thighs, gripping at her sleeping shorts mindlessly.  She didn’t say anything, her throat raw and sore from her crying.  When Amy opened the door, she bit her lip at the scene before her.

After Robert finally passed, Rosemary laid with him for an hour before pulling herself from the bed to call the funeral home.  When Benson Harwood arrived with his assistant, they immediately went about preparing to remove the body as she stood by the door, arms wrapped around her torso.  She shivered as she watched the two of them work, but when they zipped closed the body bag, rendering Robert from sight, she dropped to her knees and began to keen loudly.

The assistant, who was new, jumped back at the sound, but Benson had been around long enough to know what to do.  The heavy-set man with kind eyes sat down on the floor next to her and held her in his arms.  Rosemary cried Robert’s name over and over for nearly half an hour.  When she couldn’t cry out loud anymore, she pulled away from Benson and curled into a ball on the floor, blocking the door.

“Rosemary, we need to take him.  It’s time for him to go.”  The funeral director rubbed her back, recognizing the shock of loss in her eyes. Like others, he knew of her close relationship with Robert and had told his wife that he was glad the old man had someone with him in his last days.  He looked around the room before his eyes laid on her cell phone on the bed. “Rose, can I call someone for you?”

She laid there, practically catatonic when the assistant touched Benson’s shoulder.  He looked up and nodded at her before she walked over and got the phone.  He asked gently for her to unlock it so he could call her friends and her shaky fingers took three tries before her home screen popped up.  When he saw the group text, he pressed dial for the first name he saw in the chat.

After explaining the situation, Amy Anton agreed to come help with her distraught friend.  When she arrived, she was able to coax Rosemary off the floor, who merely crawled into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.  The three looked at each other and Amy finished with Benson so they could leave.  After texting Fern and Tina, she knocked on the door.

“Rosie. . . “

“No.  That was his name for me.  No.” Her voice crackled with rawness, her vocal cords in screaming pain at the movement.  She turned her head to look at Amy and the tears spilled over her cheeks.  “I’m alone. Alone.”

The crying began again and as if all sensation left her body, Rosemary slid off the toilet and hit the wall.  She seemed impervious to pain, but Amy still shrieked out at the sight.  She couldn’t muffle her own tears as she dropped to the cold tile to scoop up her friend in her arms.  Tina and Fern’s footsteps echoed through the house as they arrived, and both stopped when they found the duo on the floor.

Without a second thought, the two women dropped down and enveloped their sobbing friend and held her for what seemed like hours.  Eventually, they convinced her to get into the shower and then into bed. As Amy cleaned up Robert’s room, Fern called her paralegal to begin the post-death legal process, and Tina took Banana for a walk before curling up in bed with Rosemary.  Sleep avoided the four women that night and for the first time in a long time, Rosemary dreaded the morning sunlight.

[wethepixies]

Welcome to part two of our interview series, pixies! Today, we’re presenting our interview with four of the flaptastic people who make this rewrite possible. They had a lot to say, so this post is rather long - keep reading to see the full interviews!

Our first two Game Creator interviews feature two of our beloved artists - Rachel and Ci.

How did you first find out about the WTP project, and what inspired you to start working as an artist?

Rachel: In a computer graphics class I took last semester, one of our projects reminded me and my friend of Pixie Hollow, so we were reminiscing about the game and I really wanted to see if there was a rewritten version of it. When I found WTP and saw they were accepting artist applications, I was super excited because I loved the game and was starting to get into animation at the time as well. I also just adore the process of game development in general, so I was thrilled to become a part of WTP.

Ci was introduced to the project by a friend who’s also a staff member!

What is your favorite part of your job as a WTP artist?

Rachel: My favorite part is being able to contribute my work to a bigger project. Seeing the art I worked on in the game is really exciting to me. Just knowing that the work you put in is helping to further the game is really cool. As for my favorite thing to work on, it’s really strange, but I enjoy creating the UI buttons and signs for different meadows or shops.They’re super small and no one really pays attention to them, but they’re also extremely necessary so I guess I just like to make them, haha. They don’t always take too long to make but I think they’re cute. Also, I’m especially excited for all the new meadows, as I really enjoy helping to restore the beautiful art for the meadows.

Check out this gorgeous sign that Rachel restored for one of our meadow teleporters!

Ci: My favorite piece of art that I’ve created for WTP was probably a background I restored for a general winter theme/season back when I first joined. It’s not being used right now, but it’s pretty and you’ll just have to take my word for it :’)

How long does it take for you to work on art for WTP, and how do you fit that in your schedule?

Rachel: The time it takes really depends on how much of the project we have completed already. Oftentimes we’ll be working collaboratively and finish what other people have started. So if we are working on something from scratch it can take quite a while, but sometimes it’s just a matter of adding finishing touches and compiling pieces together to create a finished product. And each task takes a different amount of time. For instance, resizing something small will take a few minutes, but creating an atlas for fairy clothing can take hours, especially when you need to restore an item from scratch. Either way, I think it’s still beneficial for us to take our time to create the best product we can. Personally, I don’t always get to work everyday, but when I do, I’ll spend hours because I like to finish tasks in one sitting if I can, although I can’t always haha.  I think that working in moderation is always a good idea as long as you’re getting your work done, and knowing we have so many fans really pushes me to get tasks done and do them well. As for fitting it into my schedule, because of quarantine, I definitely have a lot more time to work on WTP, but during the school semester I would have to plan out what I needed to get done and when I needed to do it in order make sure I could get all of my school projects and WTP work done on certain days in order to avoid as much stress as possible. 

Ci: I don’t have time to work on artwork daily, but I do try to stay on top of what other people are working on, so a small chunk of my day is dedicated to discord. Sometimes I’ll be busy for weeks and do a whole bunch of tasks afterwards in one go, and sometimes I try to take on smaller things (pre-corona I’d sometimes spend time between lectures because that’s often the only time I have!). Some tasks are 5 minute jobs, like UI, but others, like adding clothing, take a few hours. Backgrounds probably take me the longest. A couple hours for a few days, if I have time to work on them daily. They’re really fun when starting!! but after day 3 it’s quite the grind. I like to sleep on those, since there’s so much detail in the PH backgrounds that I’ll inevitably miss something.

Rachel, you mentioned atlases and spritesheets - can you explain what they are and how you use them?

Rachel: An atlas and spritesheet contains all of the different variations of a clothing item or anything you can change on the fairy. So for instance, the hair atlas has all of the different types of hair you can choose when creating your fairy packed into one single file. So in order to make one you have to create all the hair pieces, position them correctly on a fairy reference, export each hair image, and then combine them all onto the atlas file. Then a json file is also created to describe where each image is in the file in order to use it in the game. The spritesheet is similar and is basically a horizontal version of the atlas with all of the images that we use in CAF to scroll through whatever you’re changing.

Do you start the graphics by hand or via some digital web design program?

Rachel: I almost always use digital programs. Sometimes I’ll plan something out quickly on paper but most of the time I’ll use Photoshop. We also use DragonBones for animation.

Ci: All of the research we do is online, so it saves a couple of steps and retains image quality to just keep everything digital. I also don’t have a scanner :’)

And finally, what’s the most challenging piece of art that you’ve made for WTP?

Rachel: The most challenging piece that I’ve done for WTP was probably the hair atlas for when a player creates a fairy because it was the first project I was taking on. All the hair was made already, I just had to resize, reposition, and fix any pieces that were lower quality, and although it was daunting at first, once I started, I was able to get the hang of it (even if it took a few tries), and now I’m super happy I learned how to do it.

Ci: We were missing a whole area of the CAF background (the part that shows up when you’re picking a name) that got passed around for one or two months, and eventually I got to work on it. It was the closest to a custom piece of art that I’ve made for WTP; the middle was a giant blur when I got to it. My motivation to complete it was honestly just being able to get it off the to-do list forever, when I was done I posted a before and after to the staff chat (which I try not to do bc it’s not really productive) because I was so excited about it :’))

__________________

We had so much fun learning more about our artists’ jobs! Next up, we decided to sit down with WTP game developer and administrator Teresa!

How did you first find out about the WTP project, and what inspired you to start working as a developer? 

Teresa: A friend I made in the Pixie Hollow community said that her favorite mini game was Bubble Bounce, so I decided to make it for her. I had started prototyping and showing it around, and someone from WTP saw my work and invited me to join the team.

As we know, WTP is a voluntary project. How do you fit working on WTP into your schedule?

Teresa: I’m actually quite good at time management, and I’ve decided to make WTP a priority. That means that I can’t always say ‘yes’ to other things I want to do, but that’s ok.

What are some of the main things you look for when adding staff members?

Teresa: You need to be able to take criticism well and communicate effectively. A certain level of quality needs to be maintained to build a good game, and criticism sheds light on any blind spots you may have. If you aren’t communicating clearly and frequently, then your value to the team is very low – everyone needs to be on the same page so that work doesn’t get redone and wasted, and to keep an accurate development schedule. Being willing to devote more than a couple of hours a week is also a major plus.

How do you decide which parts of the game you should work on first?

Teresa: There’s this concept called the Minimum Viable Product. Basically, you just strip the project down to what is necessary and work out the kinks. Then you can add new features that enhance the gameplay.

What’s the most challenging issue you’ve faced while creating the game?

Teresa: There was a problem with the animation plugin that I was hoping would be fixed by the maintainers before the demo release. It was a really big deal, the game would be entirely unplayable. At the last minute, I had to dig into the plugins source code and figure it out myself. In the end, it wasn’t actually so difficult – but boy was it stressful. Really I would say that the biggest problems have stemmed from not having enough artists on the team! There have been multiple times where we had to delay updates because we didn’t have all of the assets ready for me to use in the game.

How do you go about fixing a game bug?

Teresa: Gather all the info I can from users experiencing the bug, and try to reproduce it. Just observing the behavior is often enough to figure out the problem. When it’s not, check the logs or step through with the debugger.

Have you ever worked on or made a game before WTP?

Teresa: I’ve worked a bit on some 3D open source game projects, never worked on the multiplayer parts before, though. I also make mods for games.

Lastly, what are your favorite and most rewarding parts of being a game developer?

Teresa: Pushing the boundaries of my knowledge and comfort zone, definitely. As a developer, I’ve learned a lot of new technologies and some new domains specifically for WTP. I also find being able to fix things that I don’t like about games very rewarding. Being an administrator has benefitted me as well. As an admin, I’ve had to cultivate skills in team leadership and project management.

__________________

Finally, we interviewed Lavender Merryheart, our sound designer.

First off, how did you first find out about the WTP project?

Lavender: I found WTP from a Youtube video, and played the demo. I was excited to be able to re-visit PH and when I saw the audio designer application, I wanted to help out however I could!

Are you remaking the music from scratch based on any remaining audio from sources like youtube?

Lavender: Both! We salvage what we can, and re-create what’s needed if. In the future, there will be some new, original music too! When we need a sound effect or music, we first check to see if there’s a good quality clip preserved of the original. It needs to be clear and without extra background sounds. If we can’t find any, then I will dissect the sound or song and try to figure out how it was made, then recreate it.

You mentioned that you make new sounds if needed, how do you go about making them?

Lavender: New sound effects are made by piecing different recordings together, such as the audio you hear when you click the talent orbs, which was re-made from the sounds of a heavy book shutting and wind chimes. If we need to remake a song, I make a new track by re-recording each instrument’s part on a midi keyboard. Then it will be edited it in Logic Pro X, using instruments and synths from the Kontakt audio library.

What’s the part of being an audio designer that you’re most excited about?

Lavender: I’m most excited about getting to write new music for the game! I can’t reveal to you what it’s going to be used for yet, but in the process for the last WTP track I wrote, I thought about how to represent the area it will be used for and what instruments and mood would suit it the best. It was a lot of fun to try to both express my style and also give it that Pixie-Hollow-sound!

Finally, how do you fit working on WTP into your schedule?

Lavender: I keep a to-do list and project notes to help organize what needs to be done, and work on WTP between class assignments. To refrain from burning out, I try to spread out my different tasks and work on a variety of things.

__________________

After we learned about what goes on behind the scenes on WTP, we wanted to learn a little bit about some future plans and hopes the staff have for the game. 

Art wise, what sorts of things will be designed from scratch in the future?

Rachel: Although we still have a long way to go before creating our own work as we have to replicate what was in the original game first, I believe that new clothing and hair might be designed from scratch in the future.

Ci: Right now, we’re still committed to restoring the game in its original form–this means that we try not to design anything from scratch. We’ve discussed the possibility of custom content in the future (items + clothing, pets, meadows, maybe even minigames?), and when the time comes, all of that will be built from scratch. That said, pertaining to the look and feel of the original pixie hollow will be a priority for those updates too.

What game feature from Pixie Hollow are you most excited to have?

Teresa: Personally, I am excited for the skill system and wilderness! We have some new ideas to try out, but I don’t want to spoil anything.

Do you plan to have seasonal differences and events, as well as competitions and activities?

Teresa: Yep! Can’t wait! We are already featuring player’s outfits in the shop catalogue, so that’s sort of a mini fashion spotlight, but there’s definitely more exciting things to come. Fashion spotlight was one of the most beloved competitions/events in the original Pixie Hollow!

In the future, will the game be available for mobile and/or consoles?

Teresa: You can already play WTP on mobile! At some point we will have options that allow the game to run smoother on mobile devices. Console versions won’t be a thing, though.

Is there anything that was in the original Pixie Hollow that you’d like to change in WTP?

Lavender: I would change the whisper noise it made when you got a message, it got a bit annoying. And it would be really neat if you could choose from a few different songs to have played in your fairy’s home depending on your mood! I had the ice themed house and have heard the music a few too many times!

Teresa: There are things I want to tweak, and fully plan to! We have already added a couple of small new things, such as the second sitting pose and featuring real player’s outfits in the shop catalogue. I hope everyone enjoys them!

The last thing we wanted to talk about is the staff’s personal feelings about WTP and about their jobs, as well as ask them about their inspiration.

Is there anything new that working on WTP has teached you?

Rachel: As an artist here I am definitely learning new technical skills and developing as an artist in general. Some examples of art skills I’ve been able to develop include creating atlases and spritesheets for fairy clothing and hair, getting familiar with DragonBones as I’d never used it for animation, and just gaining more experience in Photoshop. And I basically just learned all these things by trying them out and asking questions if I needed help.

Lavender: Through WTP I’ve learned more about creating sound effects, because when remaking the old sounds for WTP, I really have to think about what each one is made out of (for example, the pouch sound was re-created using a paper bag rustling, leaves crunching, and a bell synth).

How do you feel about the community growing so much in a short amount of time?

Teresa: I really didn’t expect it, and it has been a bit stressful, but I hope we are handling it well. I would never have imagined that a TikTok would be the reason either! Having more eyes on us makes me feel restless. We had to adapt the discord server to keep it safe and make information more accessible to new members.

What do you remember about Pixie Hollow? And did it change your life in any way?

Lavender: I joined right at the beginning, and loved how it really felt like you were stepping into a different, magical world. My favorite thing to do was decorating and creating/collecting items for my house, as well as the minigames and item crafting/ baking, I’m most excited to see these features again! Also, a good memory from the game I have is going to the summer pool party in the ballroom, and playing games in the tearoom with friends! The music in Pixie Hollow was one of my earliest inspirations for pursuing a career in film/game scoring. Currently I am studying for a degree in film/game scoring! I’m obsessed with fantasy games, nature, fairy tales, magic, and mythology, and I write music to try and illustrate the stories and have the listener feel like they’re visiting the scene. You can hear some of my original music on Spotify under the name June Westfield!

Rachel: I was so young that I have trouble remembering everything. I do remember sometimes getting on the phone with my friends and talking as we played together and explored meadows, which was really fun. I also really enjoyed completing tasks and playing the minigames. I have no idea why that was so fun to me, but I just liked getting achievements and beating my scores.  

Do you feel like some people may have unrealistic expectations for WTP? And do you think it can ever be as big as Pixie Hollow was?

Teresa: Yes, but I can’t blame them. So far I am the only developer to have actually worked on this game, so it’s a lot of pressure, but of course the players can’t know that. For some reason the things that everyone thinks will be the easiest to code are always the more difficult ones, funnily enough. For example, a flying mechanic like the original game is sort of complex, whereas adding new meadows is extremely simple. Do I think WTP will ever be as big as PH? Definitely not. Pixie Hollow had millions of players, Disney advertised it, and it had a full development team behind it. A lot of the original players will have moved on. I’m actually surprised that so many people have found us already!

Are there any artists that you look up to or are inspired by?

Rachel: I don’t have anyone specific in mind who I look up to, but I do watch a lot of cartoons and really admire animation and all of the work that goes into it. I get really inspired seeing different animated works and am super impressed by the entire process of it.

Ci: I used to actively make art outside of WTP and definitely had a whole list of people whose styles I looked up to, but now that I’ve moved away from that I mostly remember individual pieces. I had to dig some up for this question! loish, gawki, and Hethe Srodawa, are a few.

Lavender: Some composers that inspire me are Enya, Faun, Loreena McKennitt, and Secret Garden. They are all fantasy/new age genre artists that create enchanting music!

The WTP community is a great place to make friends! Is there a person in the staff that you’ve formed a strong friendship with?

Rachel: I’ve definitely become a lot closer with many of the staff members, whether it be looking up to certain people like our team leads, chatting with the other artists in DMs and helping each other out, or just having fun conversations with all the other staff members and sharing funny stories and pictures.

Teresa: Asteria is probably the best friend I’ve made at WTP, as we have talked the most. I have also met Kass in real life – she’s the sweetest! I love everyone on our team.

(Kass is one of our moderators - we’ll hear from her in the final interview post!)

And finally, What does working on a game that’s so loved by people mean to you?

Teresa:  It is so heartwarming to be a part of something that brings people joy and makes them nostalgic. Pixie Hollow’s fan base can make me a bit anxious at times. Sometimes a group of players will want one thing, and then another group wants the exact opposite and it can be hard to make a choice. There’s a lot of pressure in trying to stay true to the original game’s vision while also being fresh, but it drives me to deliver the best work I can. I put a lot of time into WTP, and have actually burnt out a few times already. Luckily, I love building things so much that it never lasts long.

________________

Next up in our interview series - our social media team and server moderators! Stay tuned to hear their answers to some of your questions.

[authoressskr]

Write Into My Arms [1]

Characters: f!Reader, James “Bucky” Barnes, Tony Stark, Pepper Potts, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, James “Rhodey” Rhodes, Peter Parker, Hope Van Dyne, Natasha Romanoff, Scott Lang, Wanda Maximoff, Vision, Okoye, T’Challa, Shuri, Clint Barton, Happy Hogan, Dr. Strange, Wong, Bruce Banner, Amelina Rodrigez (OFC), with mentions of Thor, Carol Danvers, Rocket Raccoon, Groot, Peter Quill, Gamora, Nebula, Mantis and Drax.

Warnings: Language, Action (in last chapter) and no Beta (just me and Grammerly up in here)  ::  Word Count: 8885  ::  Pairing: Bucky x f!Reader

This was written for @jewelofwinter’s Writing Challenge!! I also incorporated a prompt for @jaamesbbarnes + @sgtjbuccky’s D&S’ Milestone Celebration!!

Prompt: “Tin Man lost Y/N.” (@jewelofwinter’s prompt) + “Publicly, I agree. Personally, I think it’s chickenshit.” (D&S’ prompt) Bolded in text below. Prompt #1 will appear in the third part while Prompt #2 appears in the second part. The next two parts will be posted by the end of this week. All three will be linked.

Summary: You’re a small time blog writer who is invited to interview the Avengers. ALL the Avengers. 

Please do NOT repost, copy & paste, post or share my works on any other platform without my EXPRESS PERMISSION.

-+- REBLOGGING is fine and very appreciated! -+-

Looking around the compound’s living room, you can’t help but openly stare. Everything is expensive, even the doorknobs seem to know their elevated worth.

You’ve circled the room three times so far, each time slower than the last as your keen eyes searching out every minute detail. You’ve been waiting for nearly twenty minutes, which isn’t too much of a bother, and from what you’d heard from other reporters and writers isn’t that long of a wait for Tony Stark. Although your boss said that the article was supposed to cover all of the inhouse Avengers…

Happy, Tony’s chauffeur/bodyguard and right-hand man, had brought you into this room and at this point, your overthinking has begun to wonder if being made to wait here is a diversion so that he can get all the Avengers to clear out. After all, Stark Industries controls most of the press about the Avengers and they don’t do interviews...except Tony and every so often, the good Captain Rogers.

You wonder briefly if watching some YouTube would be extremely unprofessional or just a mild, millennial version of unprofessionalism.

Deciding against it, you sit on the plushest and buttery soft black leather couch, fishing around your large purse for your notebook. Carefully flipping past the first pages, you look over the list of Avengers you’ve compiled - along with basic stats, going over them for the umpteenth time since being assigned this article. And, being the person you are, you had arranged them by age, willingness to talk to you, and then on difficulty on opening up for the story.

Fishing out a pen, you make a few last-minute notes, only to feel that tell-tale prickle at the back of your neck alerts you to the three figures lingering in the large entryway that leads towards a hallway. You pop up, smoothing out your dress bottom nervously.

“Oh! Hello. I’m Y/N, writer for Undefined Muses. I’m, uh, here to interview you?”

“You don’t seem to know if you are or not,” Hawkeye, Clint Barton, says with a big smile - the last yellow traces of a bruise fading on his left cheek.

“I wasn’t sure who all had agreed to participate - and I don’t want to force anyone to do if they aren’t interested.”

“Normally, the reporters are kind of rabid about these kinds of interviews,” Natasha replies smoothly, moving into the room and perching on the arm of an oversized loveseat. She’s dressed impeccably, looking like a glamorous movie star from the thirties, with high waist black dress pants and a dark blue silk shirt with tiny red roses dotted all over.

“Well, my boss sent me because I’m,” You pause, searching for the right word. “Demure.”

“I honestly was waiting for you to say ‘unrabid’.” Clint chuckles out, tossing himself into the loveseat that Natasha is perched on directly across from where you stand.

“I’m not sure what writer would use the word ‘unrabid’. I’m also 90% sure that isn’t a word.”

“Only 90%?” Natasha queries, smiling so knowingly it makes you a little wary.

“Well, he said it, so thus it has been made a word. But you won’t find it in a dictionary. So yes, 90%.”

The large brunet, whom you knew as James Barnes, still stood by the hallway they must have come from, watching the interactions with storm blue eyes. Your shoulders tighten, straightening as you realize that they’d sent all the previous assassins in first. Quite the unsettling welcome wagon… Wait. Was this a weird sort of game? Like chicken? You very nearly chuckle, if that’s the case, because little did these people know you weren’t the bravest person - content with hiding behind your words, telling others amazing and heart wrenching stories.

“Will you all be participating?” You finally manage to get out with a smile without nerves making it forced.

“They will,” Comes the answer from behind you - Tony Stark himself, Iron Man in the flesh, says with a confidence you’d only seen on tv. “Miss Y/L/N. So glad you could make it. Plane ride enjoyable?”

“Yes, sir. Thank you so much for the use of your plane.” He waves a hand as he flashes a megawatt smile.

“No problem. No problem at all. Now, I know they’ve probably introduced themselves but that is Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, and one of the 100 plus pair, Bucky Barnes.”

“Nice to meet you all,” They all nod as Tony rubs his hands together then claps.

“Now, I’ll show you where you’ll be staying, I’ll have Happy drop your luggage in there while I show you around -”

“I’m sorry - uh, staying?” You tilt your head a tad to the left, blinking at the illustrious Mr. Stark.

“Yes. Of course, you’ll be staying here in the compound. Rhodey, Steve, and Sam are headed home as we speak, should be here sometime early tonight. Wanda and Vision are on their way back, they were having brunch at a nearby vineyard. Oh, and Thor, the Guardians of the Galaxy, and Captain Danvers should be in - oh, I don’t know - maybe 3 or 4 days. Everyone else is on site.” Logically, you know your mouth is open. You also know you should close it, but the shock…

Every. Single. Avenger.

Fuck.

“Um, I just...Sir, I didn’t mean...I only just brought...ALL OF THEM??”

“To answer your oh so eloquent questions, I did tell your boss I would be getting you as many as possible. I would have thought Mrs. Rodrigez, was it?, would have conveyed the seriousness,” He gives a little huff, smile firmly in place. “Anyhow, you’ll manage. FRIDAY will have a list of shops that will deliver here - we have a tab, just feel free to add to it.”

“Sir -”

“Tony,” He corrects.

“Tony. I will manage my own clothes, thank you. My boss did stress the importance of this interview block. I was told, however, that this was by choice for the Avengers or Stark Industries staff. Not that you’d make them come from outer space to be riddled with questions. And, Tony, I honestly don’t know why our little site was chosen to write these interviews to begin with, sir. How do you even know who I am…” You were so focused on Tony that you hadn’t realized that Wanda Maximoff, Vision, Pepper Potts (Stark?), Bruce Banner, Scott Lang, Hope Van Dyne and a man of Asian descent you couldn’t place had entered the room. Tony moves closer, peering over the couch and down into your purse, finger pulling at one of the edges to see into it.

“Well, that’s simple. I asked for you.” Eyebrows shoot upward in shock before your forehead furrows. “See, Pep read a piece you did on library and book importance - specifically in young and all school-age children. It was lying around, so I read it. And you know what? I liked the emotion. The thoughtfulness behind it. Every word was picked with such care - constructed to paint a picture. And that’s what I want you to do for us.” He gestures for you to sit, which you give a gentle shake of your head at and takes up the seat you’d been in before. He leans forward, one elbow balanced on his knee as he looks up at you. “We get good press, bad press too, but I want people to see the big picture. We’re a team. We’re a family. We sacrifice a lot to be able to do what we do. Paint that picture for me.” The spell Tony seemed to have cast on you raised and you look around to see the whole room staring at you, waiting.

You swallow hard and nod a couple of times. “I’ll do my best, Tony.” He rises and gives a nod of his own, flashing you a smile tinged with sadness that he quickly hides.

“Good. Good. Let’s get you into a guest room and then the tour. But first, some more introductions.”

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

The voice in your room, in all the building you suppose, FRIDAY as she introduced herself, announced that dinner would be casual dress and served in an hour. Tony had been a gracious host, informing you he’d canceled your room at the winery - that, coincidentally, Wanda and Vision had been having brunch at earlier - before sashaying around the compound with Pepper, Scott, and Hope all in tow like a little tour group. Tony dutifully recited when it was built, remodeled, rebuilt. The layout and their functions. He adds little tidbits about visiting when he was little, making everything a little more real for you. You walk beside him, with him sometimes latching onto your elbow as you talk softly into your recorder, reminding yourself to get pictures of certain areas later with your camera.

It had been nice, Scott was witty and said aloud most of the smart ass comments you’d been thinking. Pepper kept Tony focused and Hope spent as much time as you did asking questions. The tour of the basic facilities ended back where it had begun in the living room, rain beginning to splatter against the massive wall of windows to your left.

You’d managed to find your way back to the room, 5th on the right, to find your overnight bag sitting on the end of the bed next to a plush white robe and a note from Tony stating he’d still asked for the stores to bring over things for you to pick out tomorrow and not to bother fighting him on it. Kicking off your shoes, you’d wandered over to the floor-to-ceiling window in your room to watch the raindrops slide down the glass, tucking your legs under you as you sat on the very soft, thick carpet with your notebook and pen.

Amelina, your boss and best friend, had bought you a gray, faux-leather sunflower embossed one to butter you up. Your little addiction and she knew it. You’d accepted the notebook and the assignment with little hesitation. Only to look at the notebook lying on your desk later and think ‘What the hell have I just done?!’

The first page is an outline of what Amelina had said she wanted from the articles (she ideally wanted to break them into separate pieces with each Avenger getting their own spotlight), your notes on the Avengers from digging online and the preliminary dates the article, or articles, would be posted on the site. Taking a deep breath you flip past the Avengers you’d already made lists for, adding the Guardians, Captain Danvers, Doctor Stranger, Wong (whom you’d met earlier), adding Scott and Hope as well, since they are West Coast-based and you had a 50/50 chance of actually interviewing them initially.

Your recorder would hold the interviews, your verbal notes and memos to take pictures of certain locations...but your gray notebook, that was for your notes and thoughts on their habits, likes and dislikes based on observation, how they interact with you, and how they interact with each other.

The alarm on your phone drags you away from writing a few more observations on the page designated for Pepper Potts, letting you know that you need to get up and changed for dinner. You plug your recorder in to download the tour from earlier while you change and freshen up your hair and makeup.

Your hopping on one foot, trying to shove your foot into the stupid pump when your alarm goes off again. Tossing yourself onto the end of the bed, you unplug your recorder and wiggle your foot into the pump better before heading out the door. You shove the recorder into the pocket of your skirt, making your way down the hall when the intro to “7 Rings” begins playing from the phone in your hand. With a quick swipe you answer, stopping almost halfway down the hall.

“Yes?”

“Is that any way to answer the phone?”

“It is when I’m on my way to dinner and your long-winded call could make me late.”

“Harsh, dude, harsh.” Amelina barely takes a breath before continuing. “So, whatcha got so far?”

“First of all, that isn’t how I work. How long have you known me, Lina? By the way, I’m mad at you.”

“What for?”

“You didn’t tell me I’d be staying here or that I’d be here for two weeks. I looked like an idiot in front of Tony Freaking Stark and Pepper Freaking Potts!” You hiss into the phone, tapping your foot in irritation as she chuckles on the other end of the line.

“Sorry! I honestly didn’t know how long you’d be staying -”

“Well, it’s nice that you let me know that!”

“Mr. Stark just asked how long he could have you on loan. I said a max of three weeks.”

“Oh my god, Amelina,” you groan, letting your head drop forward as you repeat in your head to breathe.

“You are such a -”

“You’re being a real bitch. I would have packed. I would have been prepared. But nooooo! Now I’m standing in a hallway wishing that your brother’s new puppy would pee in your expensive shoes!”

“Now that’s just mean!”

“I’m hanging up now. May Jedi maul all the shoes you hold dear.” You jab your thumb against the screen before taking a deep breath and continuing your trek to the living room.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

Apparently ‘casual’ at the Avengers compound is a broad term. Clint is sporting a sweatshirt with the SHIELD logo emblazoned on the front with black jogging pants and loafers. Steve has a dark blue shirt that is miraculously being held together by mere buttons, which you’re afraid if he strains, will lose their valiant efforts to keep his shirt together. His is paired with khakis and the same loafers as Clint, which amuses you for some unknown reason. Sam Wilson has a red t-shirt with a black blazer over it, dark gray jeans and some well-worn boots. As you finish taking in appearances, standing like a wallflower half-hidden by the hallway arch still, you can’t help but wonder if you should pinch yourself to see if this was reality.

Sam spots you first, or is the first to acknowledge it, and makes his way over with a friendly smile painted on his face.

“I’m Sam Wilson, nice to meet you.” His hand extends and nearly swallows your own before giving it a firm shake. You liked that. He wasn’t treating you as delicate. You detested when men did that when shaking hands with women…

“Y/N Y/L/N, nice to meet you as well.”

“Heard Tony gave you the tour.” He’s got a smirk now, eyes bright and teasing.

“Oh yeah. He offered to let me try out a suit - but only when Pepper and Steve weren’t around.”

“Killjoys,” Sam gives a serious shake of his head, chuckling as FRIDAY announces dinner is ready to be served. “Let’s get you to dinner. We’re having it in the mess hall once everyone gets here - tonight we can still have it in the actual dining room.” He offers his arm, guiding you out of the living area. “You met Bucky, right?” You give a nod, very aware the aforementioned is right behind the two of you. “His article will be the shortest. Dude’s damn near a mute unless he’s lecturing Steve, so I wish you good luck on interviewing him.”

“And here I thought that your odd friendship was all made up…” You answer slyly, hearing a snort of laughter behind you - unsure if it belongs to Steve or Bucky.

“Hey Cap, you meet the reporter?” Sam flashes you a smile as he turns the two of you around, bringing you to a hard stop so you don’t ram into the super-soldier.

“Steve Rogers, miss.” He offers his hand and gives yours a firm shake, his blue eyes holding a wariness you weren’t expecting. Captain America, wary of you? Doesn’t inspire a lot of hope in you about this whole experience…

“Y/N Y/L/N, sir.”

“Sit! Sit!” Tony orders jovially from down the table before pointing to the man at his right. “Rhodey. War Machine. Liar extraordinaire. I may need to sit in to make sure he gets all the facts straight.”

“Don’t listen to Mr. Stank over here, ma’am.”

“Unfortunately, that’s why I’m here Mr. Rhodes.” Steve pulls out your chair for you, waiting until your seated to take his seat to your left. “Thank you.”

“I think we should all get to know each other,” Tony starts, only for Rhodey to roll his eyes and Bruce to scoff from the other end of the long table.

“May I record?” You ask, watching everyone sort of tense and shuffle.

“Of course!” Tony answers as you withdraw the recorder, clicking it on and sitting it beside your plate.

“I think it’s only fair since I’ll be bothering all of you for the next two or so weeks, that you can ask me whatever you’d like as well.”

“That’s fair,” Dr. Strange concedes from his spot to your right.

“Very fair, I think,” Scott agrees, giving you a big comforting smile.

“Okay, well let’s start with where you were born.” A handful of waiters come in, setting bowls and plates onto the tabletop before disappearing.

“Family style,” Pepper clarifies before looking expectantly to you.

“I was born in California. But moved to Seattle when I was little, maybe about 3. Right before I started kindergarten we moved back to California. Been there ever since.”

“And your business?” Pepper asks, dishing some green beans onto her plate.

“It’s more Amelina’s than mine. We’re partners in the site, but I do the money part, well I prep it for the accountant - and most of the writing - and she does the schmoozing, bossing around, the sports articles and the keeping up of the site. So she’s doing the lion’s share.”

“I would think you break even,” Hope pipes up. “Well, what with you having to travel and compile the information and then write it out. Plus anything to do with money is usually more stressful. Do you both hire and fire?”

“Unfortunately, yes. We tried to hire a sports writer after we’d had the site for a year, but it didn’t work out...”

“Wait. Wait. Was it that guy that kept inserting himself into the story?” Sam laughs out, peeking around Bucky who is beside Steve. You bite back a groan.

“Yes.”

“Bucky, Rhodey - it’s that article I sent you saying that Babe Ruth was only half the baseball player he could have been and that the writer could’ve been the next Bambino.” Rhodey is at least trying not to laugh, but you can see Bucky’s shoulders shaking as you lean backward in your chair.

“That was a huge mistake. All of his work we reviewed before hiring was impeccable. I checked to make sure it wasn’t plagiarized and we called all of his references. Apparently, he’d had some experience in coding and websites, so after he handed in his first final draft, he went in an hour after Amelina posted it, and changed it. We got so many emails - we were getting all these calls... Brian up and disappeared after he did that. To this date, still haven’t had as much traffic on the site as that day.”

“Brian sounds like a douche,” Wanda mutters with a smile, taking a sip from her wine glass. You look down at your plate, finding it overflowing with more food than you’d put on there. You raise an eyebrow at Steve, who just shrugs and puts a forkful of potato salad in his mouth with a smile.

“Yeah. I blacklisted him.”

“Blacklisted how?” Clint manages around a mouthful of bread.

“Oh, um, well I emailed almost every single media outlet in California, Washington, Oregon, and Nevada. Then I asked them to forward it to their parent stations or owners. So basically, after a year of emailing people, most blogs, newspapers, tv stations, circulars, and YouTube hosts in California to Kentucky know not to deal with anyone going by his name. I helped a reporter from Pennsylvania with her story, and she began emailing people on the East Coast about it. All emails included his picture too, just in case he went by another name.”

“Effective. A bit ruthless.” Vision is seated between Wanda and Rhodey, nodding in approval.

“No! Not ruthless!” You defend, voice rising a little before the heat rises in your neck and cheeks. “Sorry. I just didn’t want anyone to get dinged as we did. We had to say a lot of apologies and lost a lot of work because of his pointless self-involved rant. And I mean, who goes after Babe Ruth?”

“Balls but no brains,” Scott adds, the two of you nodding. He points his fork at your plate. “Eat.”

“Can I ask a question?”

“That’s what you’re here for.” Tony chuckles out.

“What do you guys do in times like these? When there aren’t aliens or Loki or HYDRA? Like a big spa day for all of you guys? Karaoke?”

“To be honest,” Natasha begins. “There aren’t a lot of days like this when we are all free at the same time. But honestly, it’s more watching and waiting than action and aliens.”

“Kind of miss SHIELD to kind of take care of the day to day bad guy cartel and mafia stuff?” You manage around a mouthful of pasta. Sweet Jesus, it was decadent and cheesy.

“Sometimes I miss the help,” Clint admits.

“What Clint means is that he misses telling people what to do.” Sam teases, tossing a bread roll at him across the table, which Clint catches without even looking away from you.

“Hey! I didn’t tell people what to do. They just did it.”

“Did you buy a bar just to tear it down, Tony?” Tony smiles around a forkful of steak.

“Yes. Yes, I did. Ross just rubs me the wrong way.”

“To be fair, I think he rubs everyone the wrong way.”

“You’ve met him?” Steve sounds surprised, eyebrows raised in what you hope is astonishment.

“Unfortunately. I was in college and had to write a piece on something or someone whom you don’t agree with. Now I am all for soldiers but upper management sucks in the military, no offense Mr. Rhodes. But, everywhere, really... I just think the old guys in Congress and equally old guys in the upper ranks are calling the shots on things they shouldn’t be interfering in, as far as college me was concerned. Ross irritated me for the simple reason that he was the smartest person in the room and no matter what I said, what facts I had, what questions I asked, I would always be wrong. Never disliked being called ‘sweetheart’ so much in my life. Hard to have a conversation with the other side when they talk to you like that. Plus, I got a D on that paper, so he sucks in my book.”

“I told him to call me if he needed help. Then I left him on hold. In my own defense, I did warn him earlier I did like to watch the light blink.” Rhodey snorts into his glass at Tony’s admission.

“Like a tiny Christmas light of joy.” Steve comments, leaning back in his chair with a smile.

You shove a forkful of green beans into your mouth, giving a little sigh at how damn good it tasted before spearing a few more and eating those as Scott launches into the tale of him, Cassie, Luis and his ex-wife’s husband all hanging Christmas lights - only for the new husband to find he’d rewired and programmed them to blink in super slow motion with the fastest Christmas songs he could find and vice versa. And every 9 hours and 45 minutes, it played La Cucaracha, perfectly in time with the lights. There are a few chuckles around the table, but you’re laughing pretty damn hard.

“That’s brilliant actually! The deviousness lies in the amount of annoying that they could take. Having to time your exit must have been a bitch.”

“He and one of his buddies took it all down, bought new lights and hung those up. Cassie told me she missed hearing the Chipmunks, so I remotely programmed a timer so it would play the Christmas Don’t Be Late song right before her bedtime.”

“Cassie sounds like a wonderful girl. And very lucky to have you for her father.” Scott looks flustered but gives you the brightest smile before looking down at his empty plate.

“Th-thank you.”

“Of course. Do you guys do Netflix around here? Movie night?”

“Your mind is everywhere…” Hope says with a grin. “That’s good.”

“And to answer your question - yes. We have Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime…” Sam trails off as the waiters reappear, clearing the table only to return seconds later with plates of beautiful personal assorted desserts. If this was how they ate, you’d hate to see their exercise regime. Oh god, you hoped you weren’t expected to work out with them...

“I was just wondering how you all decide on a show. Do Steve and Bucky have lists? Like are you all working through AFI’s 100 Greatest Movies? I think I’ve only seen 20 of them. Do you all binge shows together?”

“Pep started a rotation. So if it’s your Sunday night and you’re in the compound or tower, then you pick the movie or show. If you aren’t here, it goes to the next person on the list.”

“Sometimes after a mission, it’s usually just decided to watch tv shows just cause we all sort of zone out,” Steve whispers after Tony’s answer, taking a big scoop of his parfait.

“We’ve never been invited,” Wong pipes up, frowning at Tony.

“Oh, I invited both you and Strange right after Pepper made the schedule. If Strange didn’t relay that…” Dr. Strange just rolls his eyes.

“I mentioned it.”

“You didn’t say it was a regular occurrence.” Wong huffs out before biting into a ladyfinger.

“Like an old married couple,” Clint chuckles out, his desserts all gone as he leans contentedly back in his chair. You give your head a small shake at their exchange before reaching to stop your recorder.

“Well, thank you so much for that delicious meal. And thank you for letting me record. I hope I get less awkward as this goes on.”

“This was awkward?” Wanda raises an eyebrow, making you fiddle with the recorder before tucking it into your pocket.

“Okay, well, um then it will get more awkward before it gets less awkward.” You all rise, pushing in your chairs before wandering out of the dining room and back towards the living areas.

“You’ll find out we’re all awkward. Well, except me.” You nod seriously at Tony’s words, managing to see Bucky roll his eyes at Tony’s words. Huh. Who knew… “Nightcap?”

“Oh, no. Thank you. I’m so full I don’t think I could even manage that.”

“Then we’ll say goodnight.” A chorus of goodnights echoes around the large living room.

“Goodnight everyone.”

You totter off to your room, cursing the fact that you’re so sleepy right now. After washing your face, brushing your teeth and changing into your pajamas, you shuffle down under the covers.

“Well, that wasn’t the most awkward or silent dinner I’ve ever been to…” You mutter before sleep drags you under.

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In the morning, you wake up earlier than you usually tend to, sitting on the floor in your pajamas in front of the rain-splattered window with your headphones on - going over the recordings, transcribing them and making notes in your dotted notebook, since it better served to add afterthoughts to. Not the nice orderly layout of your new notebook. And you’re so involved in listening and typing, snatching up the notebook beside you to jot down memos, that you don’t hear Steve and Tony calling your name and you sure as hell don’t hear them enter.

The scream accounts for that, Bucky and Sam barrelling through your door as you look up at Steve and Tony with wide eyes, shoving your headphones off.

“We’re sorry.” Tony barely restrains a chuckle. “I’m sorry. I had FRIDAY see if you were awake, then came to get you for breakfast, but,” He laughs now, the skin by his eyes crinkling. “You didn’t answer.”

“Maybe we should think about a different system!” You blurt as you stare up at the four men.

“Yes. Definitely,” Tony chuckles. “Next time I’ll have FRIDAY blink the lights to alert you.”

“Thank you!”

“Our pleasure.” Steve grins out, extending a hand.

“No, I’m fine here, thanks.” Steve shrugs, the smile not disappearing.

“Well, we’ll leave you to get dressed for breakfast. The shops are due to arrive after breakfast for you to pick some more clothes for your stay. Sam has also requested to be your first interview.” Sam winks at you from Cap’s left, sporting a wide smile as Bucky’s gaze goes from Sam to you.

“Thanks again.” You peer around Steve. “And thank you two for coming so quickly.”

“Anytime, Y/N.” Sam delivers smoothly, Bucky rolling his eyes before making a swift exit. The other three leave with smiles on their faces.

It takes you several minutes to realize you were in your pajamas; a worn and oversized ‘It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown’ shirt paired with sleep shorts that could barely be seen peeking under the hem of your shirt.

“Jeez…” You groan, rubbing a hand over your face before closing the laptop and tossing your notebooks on the bed.

Ten minutes later you have your teeth brushed and you’re dressed in adequate attire, shuffling nervously into the kitchen area on the other side of the bar in the living room. Clint and Bucky are cooking, Wanda weaving between the two expertly. You slip in the seat next to Hope, her hair in a ponytail and dressed in workout clothes.

“How long has everyone been up?” You whisper-ask, setting your recorder and notebook beside the empty plate that Natasha sets in front of you with a small smile. You return it as Hope cuts her pancake which is riddled with syrup, fruit and whipped cream.

“We all did a workout before breakfast,” She puts a big bite of sugar-laden pancake in her mouth, “Speeds up your metabolism.”

“Where’s Scott?”

“Here.” He mutters, slipping into the seat on the other side of Hope.

“Not a morning person?”

“I enjoy my sleep.”

“Thank god. Me too. Under normal circumstances.”

“Yes,” A new voice pipes up from the other side of the room, making you lean back to see who it is. “We heard about the intrusion this morning.”

“Holy - Princess Shuri!” After nearly tripping trying to slither out of your stool, you manage to get upright and extend a hand. “So lovely to meet you.”

“Thank you. It is lovely to meet you as well. I read your articles after Tony mentioned you were selected to do the interviews, and I must say that when you do scientific articles, there is a very nice flow and imagery that one does not usually get.”

“Thank you! I’m sure whoever I’ve interviewed in the science community doesn’t care for all the questions I have after the interview, so I’m glad that it reads well to a genius.”

“You will just make her head bigger, Miss Y/L/N.”

“King T’Challa, wonderful to meet you.” You breathe a deep breath of relief as he extends his hand, giving it a firm shake with a warm smile.

“Wonderful to meet you as well. Please sit, you must keep your strength up if you are to deal with all of us.” There is mischief in his eyes, the twinkle of a man temporarily unburdened.

“That bad?”

“Wait ‘til the Guardians are here!” A male voice pipes up, followed by a tossing sound and a huffed “Sorry!”

“Peter Parker, ma’am.” Your eyebrows shoot up as you automatically stick out your hand.

“Spider-Man,” Tony supplies as he walks by with a bowl of oatmeal. Honestly, your only thought is that he’s a baby and should be protected at all cost.

“Yeah, I think I saw a post on Instagram about someone in New York making Spider-Man ice creams...So you’re the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man?” Peter blushes, withdrawing his hand and crossing his arms over his chest.

“Don’t worry, kid. Pep had her sign contracts before she even came. She can’t reveal your identity.”

“Oh. Okay then.” His smile brightens at least a hundred watts. “Did you eat yet? Mr. Barnes makes the best pancakes!”

“Does he now?” Bucky’s back is to you, so you can’t see his expression, but there are already two hot pancakes setting on your plate next to several pieces of bacon. “I’m going to gain so much weight while I’m here…” You sigh, actually not the least bit bothered by it once you bite into the pancake, it’s buttery soft fluff filling your mouth, the second bite revealing a tiny melted chocolate chip to add to the deliciousness. Flipping open your notebook, you scribble down a note: Bucky Barnes = wonderful pancakes. Peter sees it and ducks his head as he takes his plate over to where Shuri is sitting, the two of them bent over a tablet when you glance over your shoulder.

Everything is terribly domestic. Normal.

And you want them to enjoy it. Cause honestly, after all that’s happened, they truly deserve a little peace and camaraderie.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

”Okay, so is this alright?” You ask, settling a little more into the plush blood-red chair in Sam’s bedroom, his desk to your right littered with your notebook, your phone, the recorder, and several pens.

“Great. I’m good to go.” You pick up the recorder, clicking it on with a nervous smile directed at Sam before you began.

“Interview One: Sam Wilson, known as Falcon. Okay, Sam, please tell me a little about yourself?”

“What would you like to know?”

“Let’s just start with the basics - like speed dating.”

“I’ve never been speed dating.”

“Well, aren’t we the lucky one?”

“Wait - you’ve been speed dating?”

“Unfortunately. It was for an article but nothing really was romantic or fun about asking the same questions of men who aren’t looking you in the eye.”

“Don’t gotta worry about that here. Our mamas all raised us right.”

“Noted. Alright, so I’ll ask the nice fluffy questions first.”

“Working our way up to the heavy hitter ones.”

“Exactly. What’s your favorite thing to do in New York, besides save it? What was your childhood dream job? Favorite Disney movie? How do you like your coffee?”

“Eat. Man, I love food. They have a little gumbo place in Harlem,” He kisses the tips of his fingers. “Best Southern food up here. As for my childhood dream job - man, I love birds. I wanted to train raptors, rehabilitate them...or I wanted to be a chef ‘cause I enjoy food. All kinds. Man, I haven’t seen a Disney movie in ye -- well, that’s not true because Spider-Nerd made us watch Toy Story 4 the other day...but probably a tie between Fantasia and The Rescuers. And coffee? That I take black with room so I can add cream and three sugars.”

“Good memory skills. Want more difficult ones now?”

“Oh yeah, I’m ready,” He rubs his hands together with a smile spreading quickly across his face.

“If Stark does a superhero calendar, which month do you want and what are you wearing for it?” His laughter is loud and boisterous, his hands braced on his knees before looking at you.

“Whew - went right for it, didn’t you? Are you asking everyone this question? Can I be there when you ask Cap and Bucky? I bet you twenty bucks that Tony says he’s thought of it before and he wants December cause of the gift he is.” You lean over and make a note of it in your notebook.

“I’ll take that bet. I counter with he doesn’t want to do one but he’d like to be July.” He extends his hand and you shake it firmly, mustering up a serious expression as you did so before settling in to wait for his answer.

“Man, okay. Uh, I think I’d like to be August. Not as hot but not cold either, with those pre-fall feelings. And I’m getting the tightest red shirt I own, along with my favorite pair of jeans. But I could be persuaded to dress sexier - nice fitted suit and tie.”

“Why’d you join the Air Force?”

“I just wanted to help people. And I wanted to see the world. My mom was okay with it since she figured the Air Force weren’t the first to deploy and that I’d be mostly out of harm’s way. But I enjoyed the regimen, the camaraderie I had with the other guys. But when my wingman, my partner Riley, died -- you, you know I just didn’t want to be apart of that anymore after that. I decided I’d get more out of life if I helped other soldiers deal with their problems.” He pauses, searching your face for something before continuing. “I met Steve one day when we were both out running. I knew who he was, but I also knew he was just like any other soldier who had come home and was looking to adjust - looking to find his place.”

“So you did what came naturally - you offered a sympathetic ear and some words for him to think on.”

“Yep. And, honestly, I enjoyed getting to know Steve Rogers. I think we have a lot in common, just morals and being a good soldier, but it’s more important to be a better man than all of that.”

“You really admire him.”

“Of course I do. He’s my best friend. I wouldn’t trade what I had to go through - what we all had to go through - to have it done any other way. I mean, it was brutal in some places, but I’d do it all again -- I sure as hell don’t want to, but I would.”

“May I ask why you chose to follow Steve instead of, say, Col. Rhodes? Both military, both having friends who sort of go rogue, both just wanting to do the right thing…”

“Rhodey and I are good friends, don’t get me wrong. But he had a lot on his plate: The military. Ross. Tony. Still dealing with the fallout of SHIELD in the upper ranks. I would follow Rhodey for a lot of things, but I won’t fight against any of the other Avengers again unless they’re mind-controlled or some shit.”

“Peanut butter and jelly or ham and cheese?” You ask softly, giving him a kind smile.

“Peanut butter and jelly.” He says with his own soft smile.

“Can I pet Redwing?” He perks up at that question.

“Yeah, come on, I’ll show him to you.”

“Maybe the suit too?” You tease, gathering up your notebook and phone, shoving the latter into your pocket before the extra pens you’d brought got shoved right along in there. You carefully pick up the recorder, holding it aloft as Sam holds open his bedroom door.

Once you’ve petted Redwing, letting Sam fly it around you. Luckily you were smart enough to stop at your room first for your camera, most of the time focusing on the light in Sam’s eyes as he looks at his little buddy before Steve and Clint come into the hanger, Clint playfully throwing a few rocks as Redwing dodges them, the three of them joking as they stand in a semi-circle and watch. All the while you watch them through the lens, happily snapping pictures before you notice Bucky leaning against the hangar door a handful of feet away. He looks like he’s a model, a small smile on his face that’s half turned away from you with one hand - his metal hand - tucked into the pocket of his black, worn-looking jacket. You snap a few pictures before he turns his head towards you, the smile disappearing. You snap a picture anyway before lowering the lens and smiling as warmly at him as you can. He gives a little nod before pushing off the door and disappearing around the corner.

Clint drags you to the archery range after that, carefully digging through his arrows as he answers question after question.

“Okay, Clint, last one: If Stark does a superhero calendar, which month do you want and what are you wearing for it?” Clint snickers, his shoulders gently moving.

“Really? Well, alright then. I think I’d like to be January. And I think I want to be dressed in a velvet eggplant jacket with a black shirt and some black underwear.” You nearly snort when he wiggles his eyebrows and gives you a lazy smile, twirling an arrow.

“Boxers? Briefs? Thong?”

“I think some nice fitting briefs. Don’t want to make too many people jealous if I bust out my thong…”

“I certainly learned a whole lot about you, so thank you for that, Clint.”

“Anytime, sweet cheeks. Anytime.” He leads you back to the living room for your last interview of the morning before you all break for lunch. “Wanda! I got your girl here!” Wanda is standing by the hallway, a cup in each hand with a smile gracing her too-pretty face. She gestures with her head, her red hair swinging slightly. Clint doesn’t let you go initially, pushing his cheek closer to you.

“Alright, alright, Mr. Sweet cheeks.” You concede, kissing his cheek before watching him saunter past the others, tossing himself down onto the couch beside Scott with a chuckle.

“Good luck!” Sam hollers, making Wanda glare at him for a second before you follow her down the hall.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

Wanda is teaching you a few words in Romanian when you emerge from her room for lunch.

Lunch is already laid out as you repeat “Nu, mulţumesc” until she nods.

“And that means?”

“No, Thank you.” You answer obediently.

“Now, combine everything.”

“Ce fasi! Mici sărutări pentru tine în această după-amiază. Nu, mulțumesc. Aș prefera să fac un tort.” [Little kisses to you all this afternoon. No, thank you. I'd rather have a cake.]

Bucky and Natasha shake their heads with a smile.

“And that means?”

“What are you doing? Little kisses to you all this afternoon. No, thank you. I’d rather have a cake.” Wanda chuckles out, giving your arm a loving pat.

“It was something my mother always said to my father. He said little kisses to us all and she said she would rather have cake. Y/N said it beautifully. Very naturally.”

“I am a wonderful parrot.” You smile out before Tony pokes his head in and whistles.

“Lunch!”

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

Bruce’s interview after lunch is filled with long pauses, his answers thought out and sometimes not what you expected. He takes you through his lab and then he suggests a short jaunt around the garden to finish the interview. When he excuses himself, you stay in the French-style garden, snapping a few scenic pictures and unwinding a bit from the interviews of today.

With four down, you’re feeling pretty perky about the whole series, trying not to think about the 25 or 26 more interviews you needed to do. Wandering through, your fingertips brushing over the perfectly trimmed hedges before spotting a few wild sunflowers towards the path leading into the woods. Carefully kneeling you take a picture, frowning as it’s just not quite right. You settle on your belly, one foot rising into the air as you refocus the camera and nail the picture you wanted!

You don’t even realize that Bucky is taking your picture as you grin at your camera, entirely too pleased with your results before you regain your footing and trek back to the compound.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

You shoot for six interviews the next day, just trying to get them done before the Guardians, Thor and Captain Danvers arrive...Tony having casually mentioned recording a video group interview of sorts before you left. Which didn’t stress you out at all.

Not.

Hope’s interview was witty and broadening...how she described quantum physics (which just led to more questions) was outstanding.

Scott’s was quick-witted, dry and peppered with his pretty broad knowledge of electrical engineering, Captain America, and songs from the 80s. He was very open about his conviction and time in prison, his decision to be ankle monitored to be with his daughter, and how he feels all of this may affect her in the future. He’s an achingly good person and you add him to your “Protect At All Costs” mental list you’ve started.

Steve is stiff. He doesn’t see the humor in your calendar question (you have to show him the Australian firefighter one with the baby animals for reference) to which he begrudgingly requests the month of May and says a casual suit with flowers in lieu of a pocket square. You suggest him sitting slightly towards a camera, painting a field full of flowers...he seems to like the idea and it makes him relax a little - and you’ll have to thank Sam for that tidbit of information he’d given you. You ask Steve a lot about his life before Captain America, how he thinks it would have gone differently if Dr. Erskine had lived, and what he initially liked about the modern world. He tells you about art school and Bucky, getting beat up on a near regular basis in alleys all over Brooklyn, how he discovered Mr. Rogers’ TV show early one afternoon after moving into the compound.

Vision, on the other hand, doesn’t have a lot of life experience to draw upon but he’s a wealth of knowledge. He talks about JARVIS and ULTRON, the differences between the two of them and Tony, he talks about how DUM-E knows who he is and how loyal he is to Tony. He then shows you who DUM-E is, the bot jerkily “shaking” your hand as you marvel over how not just Tony has evolved but his creations as well. Do you coo how smart and handy the robot it? Of course. But it’s worth it to see the robot nodding as you talk about how smart his dad is. DUM-E then gives you a tiny circuit board before you leave, Vision remarking that he likes you very much to have done so. You scribble down a note to ask Tony if that’s okay that you have that.

Peter is your last interview before dinner, and holy cow, everyone in the compound is a fucking genius. Peter tells you about his web fluid, the neighborhood where he’s grown up, and it’s clear how much he admires Tony from how reverently he speaks. Their relationship, you notice, is a little more parent/child than a mentor/mentee relationship. It’s adorable with a tinge of awkward. Peter shows you pictures he’s taken swinging all over New York and you show him where he can get a Spider-Man ice cream. He asks you just as many questions as you do and you chuckle when he refers to nearly every movie before his date of birth as “a really old movie”. You show him a few Charlie Chaplin shorts to show him what exactly “really old” is. He, in turn, shows you Tik Tok videos that you both laugh over.

“Do you like serial killer stuff?” He asks as you both head to the dining room for dinner, tucking his phone back into his pocket, both sets of your sneakers squeaking ever so slightly on the expensive floors.

“I think most women do.”

“Why do you think that?” His little focused face is adorable, trying to link it up in his head.

“Women always think they can do things better. And they’re usually right, just to let you know.” He nods seriously. “We’re outraged by it but intrigued. Pretty sure women can get blood out of just about anything - I’ve gotten red nail polish out of khaki pants by sheer will alone. It’s different for everyone, I guess. But mostly I think it helps us to collectively learn how to plausibly commit the perfect murder while we drink wine from the couch and shove snacks in our faces. And possibly solve a crime in our heads.”

“Huh,” Peter’s brow is still furrowed but he’s nodding his understanding. Peter looks up to find Bucky studying you, and when you look at Peter, he’s just smiling. “Excuse me.” You nod, watching him high-five Shuri before you feel someone by your side. Dr. Strange gestures to your ever-moving seat, which tonight is between Okoye and Wanda.

“Thank you,” you murmur gratefully, not noticing the quick clench of Bucky’s hand as he moves around Strange to his own seat opposite Natasha.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

Rhodey steals you after dinner, Sam teasing him as they disappear to his office.

“Come on, man. Just talk to her.”

“Shut up, bird brain.”

“She’s pretty nice. I was concerned she was just gonna go after us, with the questioning, but she eased into it and just didn’t focus on the darker stuff. She seems to want to get to know us as people.”

“It’s weird, huh?” Clint comments as Hope nods.

“It’s nice to be treated like a person. Not someone who’s infallible or holier than thou…” T’Challa remarks from his spot in the plush crimson chair across from them.

“Very inclusive, as well,” Okoye adds as Shuri and Peter come skidding into the room, Peter holding a tablet.

“What are you two doing?” Steve asks as he arches one blonde eyebrow high at the two.

“Nothing,” Shuri says smoothly, Peter nodding a few times too many when Tony comes into the room.

“Why is there a herd of deer in my hanger?” Both teens shoot off towards the patio door, laughing the whole time. “I don’t know what they did, but Redwing is acting like a herding dog with them, so you might need to go check that out, Sam.”

“Damn kids, I swear...I’m gonna need to squash me a spider…” He mutters loudly, heading briskly for the hanger.

“So, you gonna talk to our little journalist?” Tony smirks down at Bucky, which makes him scowl at the billionaire.

“I’m supposed to do that tomorrow,” He grumbles, making Tony smirk harder.

“You know that’s not what I mean, Tin Man.” Bucky wisely says nothing as he tries to calm his ramping up heart rate. “Even the kids have noticed you looking.”

“He has some competition,” Vision adds, smiling at Wanda who tilts her head slightly but returns his smile. “DUM-E.” Tony snorts, shaking his head as he turns away to gather himself.

“The robot? So the two are evenly matched then.” Natasha chuckles out, taking a healthy sip of her gin and tonic as she meets Bucky’s eyes.

“Nat, that’s not fair. The robot shook her hand and gave her a circuit board. He’s leagues ahead of Buck.” Clint teases, taking Natasha’s drink and taking his own healthy sip before handing it back. Bucky looks at his best friend, who is trying desperately to stop his shoulders from shaking with his laughter.

“40’s you would be ashamed. A robot who can’t talk?”

“Bucky Barnes vs a Roomba!” Shuri comments from behind Tony before making a break for it down the hallway with Sam hot on her tail. T’Challa, Okoye, and Bucky all point Sam down the hallway where she disappeared to when he comes panting into the living room.

“Now me is more inclined to hit your once-asthmatic ass for being the little shit you are,” Bucky growls at Steve, getting up from the couch turning to head to his room, only to freeze when he sees you and Rhodey standing by Peter in the door frame to the patio.

“Do you know there are deer in the hanger? And are you guys running a weird robot/human fight club?”

“Is that all you heard?” Tony asks, turning around and slinging his arm over the back of the couch with a smile flirting on his lips.

“We picked up the pace getting in here when we heard Shuri shout Bucky Barnes vs a Roomba. I mean, I’ve seen a raccoon with a machine gun, so that would have just been something else to add to the Weird Shit I’ve Seen list.” You press your lips together hard to keep from laughing at Rhodey’s nonchalant attitude and suddenly, Bucky isn’t as pissy as before. Well, he is - but at his friends - not at you.

Shit.

It’s been three days. Three fucking days and he’s smitten.

“Goodnight,” He says gruffly before retreating down the hall.

He’s nearly in his room, so he doesn’t hear you ask if you’ve done something wrong.

::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx:::xxxxxxxxxx::

Tagging: @jewelofwinter @sgtjbuccky @jaamesbbarnes @thewhiterabbit42 @nobodys-baby-now @unleashthemidnight @stay-frosty-royal-unicorn @chelsea072498 @clockworkmorningglory @sakurablossom4 @marichromatic @blondecoffeecake @ourloveisforthelovely @whinywingedwinchester @feelmyroarrrr

NOTE: Found the pic online and edited it, props to Google and all rights/privileges/ownership goes to who took the photo and to Marvel who made up all these characters. 

[PART 2]

[jdiep95]

Mariah Carey: Top 10 Remixes

In continuation of celebrating Mariah season, and “All I Want For Christmas Is You” finally becoming a #1 single, I am sharing with you my “Top” lists of MC songs every Monday and Tuesday up until the 25th. After talking about the Top 10 Most Iconic Mariah Carey songs, it’s time to move on to the Top 10 MC Remixes. Come back next Monday for the Top 10 Underrated MC Bops. All songs mentioned these lists can be found on streaming services (e.g. Spotify, Apple Music). That means deeper cuts, but fan favourites, like the “Someday (New 7” Straight)” remix, the “Never Too Far/Hero” medley, and “H.A.T.E.U.” remix ft. OJ da Juiceman, which aren’t available, aren’t included; the aforementioned remixes are, however, available on YouTube, and they definitely deserve a listen.

You’ve listened to remixes where they’ve brought in a guest rapper, something that Mariah popularized in 1995 as you’ll see below. You’ve also listened to remixes where they’ve brought in a featured singer, something that Mariah had also done in 2000, when she re-released the “Against All Odds (Take A Look at Me Now)” single with Westlife. But you’ve never heard a remix until you’ve heard a MC remix. Somehow we’ve gotten the perception that Mariah is lazy because she doesn’t perform the choreo or doesn’t sing the song — point them in this direction. Up until the 2010s, Mariah insisted doing remixes her way. She’s not just pulling in DJs, or rappers, or featured singers to do all the heavy lifting in remixes, Mariah incorporates new elements, sometimes practically changing up the genre of the song. And she re-records, sometimes new vocals, sometimes the entire track.

Is the list TL;DR? No worries. I compiled each list into a respective playlist, starting from No. 10 and ending at No. 1, so you get to listen to the Top 10 MC Remixes while on the go.

https://open.spotify.com/user/jdiep95/playlist/6UfiZPeq4yA1fq4i87CUwq?si=iHpF9-BAThW8m26GKSKyiA

10. A No No ft. Shawni

Year: 2019

“A No No” is an underrated bop off of Mariah’s most recent studio album, Caution. Caution, like many of Mariah’s comeback, is a testament that she’s still got it; however, unlike the couple of albums before it, Mariah ditches most of the post-production, and delivers one of her strongest albums. “A No No” uses a sped-up sample of Lil’ Kim’s "Crush on You”, with the original mix using excerpts of Biggie’s rap. The remix featuring Shawni drops Biggie’s rap. This isn’t the first time Mariah opted for a female rapper for the remix: In 1999 for the “Heartbreaker” remix, MC dropped Jay-Z for Da Brat and Missy Elliot. “A No No” is a feminist song about cutting off liars and cheaters, and enjoying the single life; Shawni’s contributions add to the latter, admitting: “To all my exes need to tell you that I’m sorry/That I didn’t leave you sooner/I settle for less, and that is exactly what I been getting.” This remix isn’t perfect — the melody and the structure remains the same, and Mariah only records a couple of additional inflections. The best part about this remix, that’s absent from the original mix, is the addition of a series of ascending melismatic whistles near the end. You can’t help but feel like something’s missing from the original mix, and MC lets you know it in the remix.

9. Fantasy (Bad Boy Fantasy Remix) ft. O.D.B., Sean “Puffy” Combs

Year: 1995

Why the “Bad Boy Fantasy Remix” is so iconic was already discussed in the Top 10 Most Iconic list: It introduced the featured rapper formula to pop music, and paved the road for its successors like Beyoncé’s “Crazy in Love” or Rihanna’s “Umbrella”, both of which features Jay-Z. The remix features rapper O.D.B., who, by the time the remix was released, had started a solo career separate from the Wu-Tang Clan. The release of the "Fantasy" remix is entrenched in racial politics. Columbia Records and Sony Music feared the inclusion of O.D.B. would jeopardize the squeaky clean, family-friendly, racially-ambiguous image they had built for Mariah. In the remix, a lot of the pop production is stripped away, leaving the bass beat as the foundation of the song; Mariah sings on top of this. "Fantasy" sampled “Genius of Love” by the Tom Tom Club, and in the remix, the sample is echoed in the bass beat. The bridge of the original mix, which also samples “Genius of Love”, became the remix’s chorus. The structure changed, and “Fantasy” itself became slinkier, less saccharine. The producer, Sean Combs, better known as P. Diddy, recalled working with O.D.B. all through the night to record the rap; O.D.B recorded sentences at a time, whenever the inspiration hit, or whenever he was awake. Regardless, Mariah’s insistence to collaborate with O.D.B, and to release the remix was an industry-changing move.

8. Honey (So So Def Remix) ft. Da Brat, Jermaine Dupri

Year: 1997

The “Fantasy” remix, despite it being iconic and timeless, was mostly work in post, especially trying to piece together O.D.B.’s individual recordings to form an actual rap. The So So Def remix of “Honey” was a completely different affair with the song reworked and re-recorded. The bass line of the original mix of “Honey” samples “The Body Rock” by the Treacherous Three, while the tinkling piano line uses a sample of “Hey DJ” by the World’s Famous Supreme Team. The So So Def Remix foregoes “The Body Rock” sample, and also samples a different excerpt from “Hey DJ”. The accompaniment itself sounds like a midi file off of a video game, but it’s actually the hook from the Jackson’s 5 “It’s Great to Be Here”, Mariah’s first time sampling a another pop song. This “Honey” remix is a novelty. As a critic, you would expect another dance remix or something that really leans into the hip-hop, and instead you receive a feat that reduces the original dance track to 8-bit music with MC’s vocals as the main attraction.

7. My All (Classic Club Remix)

Year: 1998

Have you seen Dreamgirls? In the stage performance, Effie sings “One Night Only” and it shifts immediately into the disco version sung by Deena. I imagine the remix of “My All” draws inspiration from that, especially when they chorus starts chanting, “Just one more night.” In the Classic Club Remix, MC sings on top of a dance beat but it’s a slow burn before it becomes that full on club anthem. The remix isn’t completely re-recorded; it’s her original recording that’s fixed on top of the dance track produced by David Morales, but it’s the last five minutes that she adds on new elements, and finishes out with new vocals, a solo for the latin guitars, and a chorus. Sam Smith might be able to sing any dance song as a ballad, but Mariah is the master of rewriting any torch song into an upbeat track. Try not dancing when Mariah starts going off with the “Feel your body”’s.

6. Through the Rain ft. Kelly Price, Joe

Year: 2002

“Through the Rain” is Mariah’s first comeback single. It hails from Charmbracelet, Mariah’s comeback album after the entire Glitter fiasco. It’s Mariah’s first leading single that failed to crack the Top 5, even “Loverboy” off of Glitter peaked at #2. The inspirational track, which encourages the audience that they will “Make it through the rain”, stalled at #81. The original mix is a slow R&B ballad, one that even I rarely listen to since I almost always opt for the live version she performed at MTV Presents. The remix is more upbeat as a result of changes lyrically and melodically, and by infusing gospel elements, there’s more of a sense of hope than in the original mix. “Through the Rain” didn’t chart well, so why does this remix rank so high among the other remixes? A decade and a half before Kanye decided to bring everyone to church, Mariah brought her listeners to church instead of the club with this remix. For a remix, the sound was new and gutsy, especially for a song that didn’t fair too well, granted she did also release a dance remix. With the remix, MC proved that a song didn’t have to be wildly popular for her to breath new life into it.

5. Unforgettable (Acoustic) ft. Mariah Carey, Swae Lee

Year: 2017

You might be quick to catch that "Unforgettable” is actually a French Montana song, but you might be less familiar with this Mariah Carey remix. The inclusion of MC on this track, and the decision to replace the track with a guitar makes it sound more like a R&B-inspired country song with a rap section than it does dancehall; nonetheless, the remix is incredibly cross-genre. Chances are French Montana didn’t re-record his lines, which is standard, but then some very stylistic choices were made that makes the remix sound like a Mariah duet rather than a MC-guest appearance. These decisions, however, may not exactly be MC-mandated, so let’s talk about two things that were within her control: (1) MC sings throughout the entire track. She doesn’t appear for just one verse then disappears; she injects herself throughout the song by harmonizing with French Montana. (2) MC brings her whistle notes. MC fans stan Mariah’s whistle notes for one very good reason: Mariah uses them with much musicality. It’s less of a garnish where MC goes, “Hey, look, I did that!” because we know she can do those whistle notes. In the “Unforgettable” remix, MC uses her whistles as a base, a broth if you may; in this way, her high notes are instrumental, and she strings them together in a series of legato to create the backing track for which French and her sings on. Mariah’s contribution to this song really makes it ever more unforgettable.

4. We Belong Together ft. Jadakiss, Styles P

Year: 2005

Kelefa Sanneh, a former music music critic for The New York Times, called the “We Belong Together” remix “springier”; I had to quote him because there’s no better way of putting it. The original mix is tear-jerking, but the remix has a bounce to it that captures the hip-hop vibe that MC was looking for. The remix gets pretty close to demonstrating what a perfect balance looks like, and inevitably Mariah sometimes misses the mark — remixes sometimes reduce Mariah to the featured artist, despite it being a Mariah song. She sings along while Jadakiss and Styles P trade lines, emphasizing certain phrases. The remix continues to sample Bobby Womack’s “If You Think You’re Lonely Now”, and uses a longer lyric sample from “Two Occasions” by The Deele. On this list, we’ve seen MC skillfully use instrumental samples, but she is masterful in picking lyrical samples as well. The “Two Occasions" sample, “I only think of you on two occasions/That’s day and night”, contributes to the message of yearning in “We Belong Together”, making it fit perfectly with the mood and the scheme of the song. MC finishes the remix in a way only she could, by showcasing a series of vocal acrobats for the last minute-and-a-half of the song.

3. Always Be My Baby (Mr. Dupri Mix) ft. Da Brat, Xscape

Year: 1996

I know diehard fans prefer Mariah’s Butterfly era, where you had songs like “Honey” and “My All”, but my favourite would still have to be the Daydream era, when MC decided to gift the world with “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby”. The Daydream era featured prime Mariah vocals, amazing album cuts, and two of Mariah’s coolest remixes to date. Both the “Fantasy” and “Always Be My Baby” remixes are timeless; the former is so stripped down, but it is the latter that we really need to talk about. It’s timeless in such a sophisticated way that’s so rarely seen in pop music. Don’t agree? But Mariah seems to agree. In the Caution World Tour, Mariah’s most recent tour, she performed this remix instead, when “Always Be My Baby” had almost always been performed unaltered in the original mix. The foundation of the Mr. Dupri Mix samples “Tell Me If You Still Care” by the SOS Band, a slow jam itself which gives the remix its sleek, quiet storm sound that was so popular in the 1980s. MC is an understated music genius: She takes a page from TLC, who had just released their critically-acclaimed hip-hop album CrazySexyCool the year before, by recruiting a female rapper, Da Brat for the remix; this marks the first time MC collaborated with a female rapper. And the rap practically merges with the track; it’s neither out of place nor distracting as Mariah riffs while Da Brat raps. She also melds two supposedly conflicting genres, since younger Black audiences had shifted their attention from quiet storm to hip hop since the beginning of the ‘90s. Whereas the “Fantasy” remix had almost no re-recorded vocals, the “Always Be My Baby” remix received an almost complete makeover, save the melody. Mariah really thins out her voice for the remix and introduces her airy whisper, something she’ll really master in her subsequent albums, which gives a new feeling to the happy-go-lucky vibe on the original mix. The remix is more mature, reflecting Mariah’s real-life desire to bridge pop, R&B and hip-hop.

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You (So So Def Remix)

Year: 2000

As we’ve seen in the Top 10 Most Iconic list, Mariah has released several versions of “All I Want For Christmas Is You”. Certainly, the original mix reigns supreme, but the So So Def Remix comes awfully close, and I will argue that none of MC’s other versions or any other cover of this song, ballad, acoustic or otherwise, comes close to this remix. You might have heard the disconnected intro and skipped the rest of the song, which meant you missed Mariah and producer Jermaine Dupri reworking the song in ways no one else can. The So So Def Remix is an extremely smooth R&B and hip-hop remix, and although this is nothing out of the ordinary for MC, it’s such a smart remix because it’s a Christmas song for anyone who’s tired of listening to Christmas songs; essentially it’s an escape from the original mix. This remix has as much spring as the “We Belong Together” remix, but this bounce is a result of sampling “Planet Rock” by Afrika Bambaataa & the Soulsonic Force. The whistle notes that are seen in the main melody of later versions derives from this remix, and arguably, the whistle notes in the remix’s successors are nowhere as melismatic. You can’t beat a Mariah original, but you also can’t beat a Mariah remix.

1. Anytime You Need A Friend (C&C Club Version)

Year: 1994

“Anytime You Need A Friend” is a deeper cut itself off of Mariah's best selling album Music Box. It’s Mariah’s first US single not to enter the Top 10, peaking at #12. It’s equal parts a love song and a song of encouragement, especially the remix. The original mix of “Anytime You Need A Friend” is a slow ballad, at least “My All” had something sexy about it, so you wouldn’t except Mariah, and producers David Cole and Robert Clivillés to be able to work it into a dance track so well. But without a doubt, it is definitively Mariah’s best remix. The 10 minute song is essentially an abridged version of Mariah’s résumé; you get a glimpse at everything from Mariah’s vocal talents to her songwriting abilities to her musicality. “Anytime You Need A Friend” is a torch song that’s been repackaged with a pounding dance beat. Even if it's from 1994, there’s a certain timelessness to it. Another great thing about most of MC’s remixes is that it doesn’t cut the song short; in the C&C Club Version, the entire song is there. Mariah reworks the part of the original melody, but it’s the last six minutes of the remix, when Mariah goes off, where you can really observe how well she knows music. Can you write this down on sheet music? Or was it improv? To me, the last six minutes was literally a playground for MC to do her thing, whatever she wants. There’s no guest singer or featured rapper, just Mariah. But then this allows her to do something she’s almost never done before or since. At the eight minute mark, the remix enters a jazz breakdown, and Mariah scats, dipping into her lows, belting, and hitting those whistle notes. Simply, this remix is remarkable and breathtaking.

Timelessness is the key word here with MC’s remixes. You may think that the incorporation of samples would date these remixes significantly, but personally it does it complete opposite. Mariah’s remixes transcends eras because of the use of samples. Not only are her remixes cross-genre, they’re also cross-generational. Mariah doesn’t just push out remixes and waits to capitalize on them. If you’re looking for a place to find Mariah’s artistry, look no further than her remixes. She adds new elements and new life to the songs, rewrites them, reworks them, re-records them. Who’s done this recently? In the last twenty years, which artist has consistently given their remixes this kind of treatment?

[musicallyrich]

Crate Digger’s Corner: 2017 Albums: The Final Chapter

Crate Digger’s Corner…by DJ Musically Rich

Here is the last part to my 2017 list. For those that missed the earlier parts (and haven’t taken a look at it yet), I’m giving a quick list of albums that I heard from 2017. I may do a listening to some of the ones that I know I like, but want to revisit, and use that as an opportunity to review some of those more deeply (If there are any you see that you would particularly like to see a review of, leave a note). This is the list of reissues, live material and compilations that I heard from 2017.

Artist- Album (general genre)- and brief description

Dennis Coffey- Hot Coffey In The D (jazz-funk/R&B)- One of the guitarists for The Funk Brothers (the house band for the Motown label) releases  a set from Detroit in 1968. He covers jazz, pop, funk and gospel all wrapped in the sound of his guitar/organ/drums trio. A fantastic set, and the other set from this night has since been released CD.

Sleater-Kinney- Live In Paris (rock/punk)- This is a strong concert from Paris for the Sleater-Kinney crew from 2015 in support of their album “No Cities To Love”.

Gentle Giant- Three Piece Suit (progressive rock)- This is a collection of songs, remixed by Steven Wilson for both stereo and 5.1 sound, from the first three albums by Gentle Giant. It was limited to these 9 songs plus one demo because they were the only multi-tracks that hadn’t been lost from those albums. The Blu-ray has the 5.1 and, I believe, expanded stereo versions of the album and the instrumental tracks from the album. The Blu-ray also has the first three full albums in their original album mixes. The CD includes the new album, remixed for stereo by Steven Wilson, and a bonus track. That is the Steven Wilson 7” edit of Nothing At All. This is a fantastic deal for people looking for not only some high quality audio of Gentle Giant, but also interested in obtaining their first three albums for a very reasonable price.

Prince And The Revolution- Purple Rain (R&B)-  The iconic ‘80s album gets the full Deluxe Edition treatment. The original album containing hits ‘Let’s Go Crazy’, ‘Take Me With U’, ‘When Doves Cry’, ‘I Would Die 4 U’ and ‘Purple Rain’ amongst other great songs is presented in the 2015 Paisley Park remaster. The second disc is full of unreleased songs and an alternate version of ‘Computer Blue’ and ‘Electric Intercourse’. The third disc has all the single edits and B-sides from the album. The final disc is a DVD of the live show at the Carrier Dome on the Syracuse campus from 3/30/1985. This is an excellent edition for people who know the original album inside and out.

Jerry Garcia And Merle Saunders- Garcia Live, Volume 9: 8/11/1974, Keystone Berkley (rock/jamband)- Another excellent release in the Garcia Live series which has this group playing, mostly, a mixture of R&B and rock classics.

Gary Clark, Jr.- Live/North America 2016 (blues rock)- Gary Clark, Jr. releases this live album following his second major label album. Despite the short time span since his last live album, which followed his first major label album, there are only two songs repeated between the two albums. If you want to see if you enjoy Gary Clark, Jr. live albums (or live in concert) is the way to find out.

King Crimson- Live In Chicago (progressive rock)- King Crimson played Chicago on 7/28/2017 (this is the show after I saw them in Minneapolis a night or two before) and they had the tape rolling. As was the case with the show that I saw, they put on a great show. Fripp’s crew used everything in their bag to play songs from all eras of Crimson and put it together for this three-headed drummer Crimson band. If you’re a fan and are curious to what they are sounding like these days, this (or any of their recent live releases) is a good place to start.

King Crimson- The Elements 2017 Tour Box (progressive rock)- Each year before they start their world tour, they release a 2CD mix of King Crimson material that spans all eras of the band and can include anything Fripp has in his vault. That includes live material, unreleased studio material, etc. Some of it has been previously released (typically some of the live cuts) but he makes sure that everything has the   flow of a wonderful album or concert. Everything always is of excellent sound quality and you would not know that these songs weren’t necessarily prepared for release before this.

Grateful Dead- Get Shown The Light, May 5-9: New Haven, CT > Boston, MA > Ithaca, NY > Buffalo, NY (rock/jamband)- This is the run of shows many consider to be their best all-time, and many consider the Ithaca, NY (Cornell) to be their best show ever. Another candidate for that is often the Buffalo show. What I can say is that this is definitely a highly entertaining quartet of shows!

Here are the last albums I heard from 2017, and this isn’t necessarily a ranking, just in the order that I was writing them down. I hope you enjoy and happy hunting!

To see photos of other albums in my collection follow my IG: djmusicallyrich

[j-j-ehlby-writes]

Meet Me at the Chalet || day one.

Eventual pairing: Tom Hiddleston x OFC (Jenessee Borosi)

Word count: ~5.7k (told you it’d be longer, but I promise they’re not all this long)

Summary (I suck at these): Jenessee goes on a solo vacation after the release of her first novel. She got a little more than she bargained for when she gets snowed in with her biggest celebrity crush.

Warnings: So much freaking fluff, swearing but blink and you’ll miss it, depressing thoughts (future chapter), mental breakdown (future chapter), Tom being Tom

night one. || day one. || day two. ||

The next day, the stillness greeted me. The same feeling I would get waking up on a Saturday afternoon after a blanket of snow coated everything for the very first time. Like the snow froze time, nothing moving or wanting to disturb the serenity. It’s one of those days where getting out of bed is optional. This feeling is exactly what I was wanting while on this vacation.

I could have stayed in bed all day, but my stomach protested pretty quickly after sleep left me. Climbing out of my comfy cocoon, I stretched every muscle, ridding it of any trace of tiredness. Gosh, I haven’t had this heavy of sleep in years! What are these mattresses made of? Magical clouds?

I took in my room. It’s a complete contrast to the lobby. Modern dark gray walls complement the black carpet. White faux fur rugs sit at each side of the King sized bed to contradict the dark. Clean white sheets adorn the bed with black and gray accents on the comforter and in the pillows. The windows and doors are framed with a natural light wood color to bring the modern touches down a notch.

Opening the black-out curtains revealed the floor-to-ceiling windows with the most picturesque view I’ve ever seen. Pine trees are covered with snow, weighing down every branch. The still falling snow is a mixture of tiny cotton balls and glitter. All of the white nearly blind me, my eyes not used to the light yet. But still, my heart swells. Vacation begins.

I quickly throw on the most comfortable outfit I packed: a dark gray cowl neck sweatshirt with black, white, and purple Zubaz. I slightly flinched when I took in my appearance in the bathroom mirror. Leftover make-up flecks were under my eyes. My make-up remover wipes are obviously not doing their job properly… I ran some warm water over my face to get rid of them. Putting my long, wavy hair into a braid was the last thing I did before leaving my solitude.

 As I flipped on the light in the kitchen, I hesitated in the doorway. He wasn’t kidding about “top of the line.” Top notch stainless steel appliances: double ovens, 8-burner stove top, industrial sized refrigerator, and the biggest microwave I’ve ever seen. There were also all of the small appliances that anyone would need. If I were a chef, I would be in heaven. I almost don’t feel worthy enough to be in here.

Picking my favorite playlist, I dove into my own little world. As the music flooded the room, my body carried me throughout the expanse of the kitchen collecting every ingredient, utensil, and bowl I need to make French toast with strawberries. Jamming to just about anything that would pop up as everything came together.

Applause broke my reverie, my heart leaping out of my chest from fright.

Spinning around, clutching my chest I see the last person I ever expected to see. Leaning against the door frame with his long and lean body adorned in a white t-shirt, a black zip-up hoodie, and hip-hugging sweatpants, a book stuffed under his armpit, a charming smirk was plastered on his gorgeous bearded face… was Tom freaking Hiddleston.

What in the world is he doing at a small chalet in the middle of the mountains in the states when he could be at some luxury, private resort in Europe? How does he even have the time to be here? Doesn’t he have a huge movie coming out soon, play rehearsals, and two TV shows in the works that he should be out promoting? How does he have any time to do anything personal at all?

Although, as his fan, I’m proud he is finally taking some time for himself. He’s been busy nonstop since his first Marvel movie. He deserves to take some time for himself for some much-needed R&R. No screaming, no cameras in his face, no signing autographs- total privacy he so wants and deserves. That reason alone is why I will not make my admiration known, not right away at least. He does deserve all of the credit he is due, but I would like his vacation to remain a peaceful one.

He cleared his throat, “I apologize for scaring you, but I thought I should make my presence known before you were to go on.” He spoke so eloquently, it was hard to ignore the way his beautiful blue steel eyes radiate with restfulness this getaway has finally given him after so long. “And I must say, you have the most eclectic taste in music.” He added while stepping in.

His sudden movement snapped me out of my frozen state. “Well it never hurts to have a variety.” I turned back to the stove. “And don’t think that complimenting my musical interests gets you off the hook for giving me a heart attack before I got food in my stomach.”

“Oh I wouldn’t dream of it.” Even though my back was to him, I could hear the smile in his tone. “How can I make it up to you, then?”

“Hmm, I don’t know.” I flipped the piece of bread onto its other side, loving the golden brown color. I turned slightly back to him. “I thought you were leaving today.” I recall the guy yesterday mentioning the other guest was supposed to be departing this morning.

“Well, thanks to Mother Nature, my stay has been extended. Not that I’m complaining though. I wasn’t ready to leave quite yet.” He leaned back against the counter next to the stove, so he was in my line of sight. One thing I heard about him is he is one of those guys that loves eye contact, especially during conversations. His move only proves that is right.

“Why not?” I asked as my curiosity was piqued. Assuming he doesn’t want to leave yet because it means going back to his hectic schedule is reasonable, but one should never assume.

“It’s very serene here. I like it better than the alternative.” Another thing I heard was how notoriously private he is. He only lets the world see what he wants them to see, leaving aspects of him that he reserves only for his close friends and family. Same goes for his relationships. He lets people know what he wants them to, never revealing too much. He must feel that everyone only cares to know why he’s single or if he’s dating anybody. So to him, keeping his private life just that is important. He loves his fans, he’s said so on many occasions, but he deserves to have some form of normalcy in all of the chaos.

“Everyone deserves a little peace and quiet every now and then. Pressing pause on life is good for your sanity.” Plopping the finished piece of French toast on the plate, I turned off the stove.

I can absolutely understand why everyone needs the pause button. Being a writer it is nonstop meetings and phone calls about pages and storyline updates. Everyone is always rushing to meet the deadlines. The trouble is I’ve never been good with deadlines or peer pressure so publishing my first book nearly caused a meltdown. Hence the reason I am on vacation by myself in the middle of the mountains. Now everything is published and awaiting more reviews. My publisher already gave me a heads-up that they were mostly good and that’s all I needed. Criticism isn’t something I’m fond of either. Thankfully my agent, publisher, and editor all agreed to leave me alone while on this trip, so I don’t have anything to worry about. Plus, this gives me a chance to get inspired. Knowing the big guns would want another book proposal as soon as the first one was completed, I already gave them the sequel to my first. That satisfied them for the time being. Now I just have to think of my next project.

“You sound like you speak from experience.” He pointed out, detecting my hidden meaning. He’s perceptive… gotta watch out for that.

“You could say that.” I sighed, moving to chop the strawberries I want on my French toast.

“How rude of me,” He blurted, shaking his head in self-disappointment, “I never introduced myself.” I chuckled at his humbleness. Like he really has to introduce himself to anybody anymore. But being the ever-polite British gentleman, he feels the need to. He held out his hand to me. “I’m,” he paused, “Will.”

I tried to stop the smile that threatened to show but failed. He’s going to use an alias. I guess he wants to remain anonymous. Again, his actions make complete sense to me. When I was given the opportunity to publish my book, I decided to use a pseudonym. Anonymity was important to me as well. That way I could still go about my life without my name being out there. I used a compilation of my initials whereas he is using a shortened version of his middle name.

“I’m Jen.” I fold my hand around his, locking eyes with him. It’s in that moment I registered just how close he got to me. With our height difference, I was forced to look up at him in order to meet those bright blues. As gorgeous as they are in pictures, they’re even more mesmerizing up close. The small section of light brown contrasted the light blue inner iris and the dark blue outline framing everything perfectly. His eyes alone could make anyone’s knees go weak…

“It’s very nice to meet you, Jen.” He muttered, never looking away from me. I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks, so I transferred my attention to our still connected hands. His large warm hand swallowed my small cold one. Instantly his warmth spread up my entire arm, also sending shivers down my spine.

“The pleasure is all mine…” I brought my eyes back to his. They now had a hint of something in them I didn’t recognize at first. “… Will.”

Before I could get completely lost in his eyes, I pulled my hand out of his, immediately missing the warmth of it. I quickly resumed my slicing, needing something to keep me busy. “So, what are you reading there?” I asked needing to break the tension that was in the air.

“Erm,” He cleared his throat again, taking a step back, “A book my friend told me to check out.” He took it out from under his armpit gripping it with both hands.

“Lemme see.” I wiped my hands off before he handed it over.

My heart dropped. I recognized the cover right away. The one word title flashed across the front like a beacon. The cover art of a guy and a girl standing with their bodies touching, but their hands not letting themselves be connected, denying what they have… My book. He’s reading my book. “Deny by J.J. Ehlby.” I read out loud, careful not to give myself up. I pretended to skim the back cover before handing it back to him. “I didn’t take you for the romance type.”

“What type do you take me as?” He leaned his hip against the counter again, relaxing back into our conversation.

“More…” how do I want to describe this? “well-known and established novelists like Dickens, Tolstoy, Twain, and more importantly Shakespeare. You’re definitely into Shakespeare.” Everything I’ve heard about him mentions his love of Shakespeare. He also participated in a debate about Dickens and Tolstoy. His love of classic literature is something I admired about him. His ability to read, comprehend, and appreciate literary geniuses is rare and praiseworthy.

He chuckled at my obvious stereotyping of him. “Is it because I’m British?” He asked with faux offense attached.

“Yes.” I bluntly answered, only half-kidding.

He full-on laughed at my honesty. He threw his head back and threw his hand over his heart, taking after Chris Evans in that regard. Listening to his laugh echo through the empty kitchen was like listening to the most beautiful symphony. You don’t get to see this type of laugh from him often. It’s always that “hehe” kind of giggle. This was him not caring and letting go. What a sight it was.

I couldn’t help but join in. “Well, am I wrong?” I countered, fully knowing I’m not.

“No!” He choked out, trying to calm himself down. “No, you are not wrong about my love of Classical literature.” He adjusted his glasses back to the tip-top of the bridge of his nose. “But you are wrong about my liking of romance.”

“Oh?”

“I quite like it actually. Shouldn’t falling in love be the best feeling in the world?” I looked up when he didn’t continue. He was watching me like he wants me to understand what he’s trying to say, “That head over heels, my heart is yours and yours mine, can’t live without you, want to spend the rest of my life by your side feeling…” He trailed off, taking a step towards me again. “That heart-pounding, staggered-breathing, knee-trembling, soul-freeing feeling of true love…” His voice dropped a few octaves, losing its sturdiness, only coming out as a whisper by the end. He’s passionate about love, even though he doesn’t have that kind in his life at the moment. How that is even remotely possible is beyond me… His gaze was locked on mine, entrapping me. They were filled with longing and… what I concluded as recognition. Recognition of what? I haven’t figured that out yet… My heart was pounding in my ears almost deafening in the silence. “I quite enjoy reading about two people discovering that feeling.”

All I can think is “Thank God the counter is here” otherwise I would be in a puddle on the floor.

How can a conversation with someone I just met be this intense? How can we be so open with each other with barely knowing the others name? I feel like he’s giving me a look inside his heart but at the same time keeping those guards up that he’s built throughout the years. He’s wearing his heart on his sleeve and showing me everything he’s got right away…

I wrenched myself out from his trance and this time, I took a step away trying to put some distance between us. He may be ready to show me everything, but I’m not. My heart is surrounded by miles of barriers that will be virtually impossible to break down. “Okay, Romeo. I get it.” I sent him a small smile, showing him that I’m not shutting down completely like he might think. “You are a fan of romance.” I strolled over to one of the cupboards, grabbing the powdered sugar, bringing it back over to my plate. “Can I eat my breakfast now?”

“May I join you?” He politely asked, giving me pleading eyes like a toddler gives his mother when asking for a piece of candy or a cookie. Irresistible cuteness.

I stared at the pile on one plate and my prepared plate next to it. I was going to consume the entire lot myself… but I wasn’t about to turn down spending more time with him. I found him a plate, splitting my portion in half for him. A brilliant smile followed nearly knocking me over.

After eating in the dining room, I retreated back upstairs while he offered to clean up. I protested at first, but he insisted, feeling bad that he kept me from eating for longer than I wanted. He practically begged me to so who was I to say no?

I immediately went to my room, locking the door behind me. I rang my agent who was about to get an earful…

“I assure you, Jen, no one had any idea he was there. By all accounts, he was home in London.” She tried to calm me down after I ranted to her before she could even say “hello.” “This could be a good thing!”

“How? I’m supposed to be on vacation, relaxing. How can I do that with the most perfect human being on the planet in the next room?” I flopped back on my bed, eyeing my suitcase full of comfy pants, sweatshirts, and hardly any make-up. I never planned on seeing many people on this trip. The plan was to lock myself in my room for seven straight days before rejoining the world again. I can’t do that now knowing Tom is here. I don’t want him to think I’m a total hermit.

“You also went there to get inspired. With your second book’s first draft already in the editor’s hands, the instant that one comes out, the more they’re going to want. You got lucky with your first few novels already being completed before you even found a publisher, now is the time to get a head start on what’s next for J.J. Ehlby, a.k.a. Jenessee Borosi.”

I rolled my eyes at how predictable she is and for how she used my full name. “So you’re saying I should write a book about this.” I didn’t phrase it as a question for a reason. I’ve been working with her for a year now. She’s been good about not pushing me, but she can’t help it sometimes. I know she has people to answer to, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

“Just think about it.” She didn’t deny my indirect accusation. “That ‘After’ book was originally fan-fiction and it was turned into a movie.”

Again my eyes roll. “Being snowed in, in a secluded chalet in the mountains with one of the world’s most brilliant and most well-known actors? What do you think is going to happen? Because of our solitude, we’ll find something in the other that we’ve been missing in everyone else; that we’ll fall in love in a week’s time? That sounds like one of those cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies that are so unrealistic, they’re laughable. That’s not realistic, that’s a fantasy.”

Although… based off our conversation in the kitchen, that’s already not far off, at least for me. I’ve had a major crush on Tom for years prior to this. Only dreaming of being with him, never believing I would actually get the chance to meet him. Me falling for him isn’t completely far-fetched because I’m halfway there already. But him? No way.

“Just think about it.” She repeated before ending the call.

Think about it I did, but quickly came to the conclusion that I would not exploit Tom like that. This is his private time as much as it is mine. I will not expose anything he doesn’t want anyone else to know. I respect myself, my work, and above all, him too much to stoop that low to get my next book idea.

A knock on my door brought me out of my thoughts.

“Care to join me downstairs?” He asks as soon as I open the door.

“And do what?” I return, not really caring what he was to suggest. I will take every opportunity given to me to be in the presence of this beautiful man.

“We could read if you brought something to read. I know that’s what I will be doing. You could do whatever it is you like to do.” He rambled on nervously. It was adorable actually. What he had to be nervous about, I have no idea. Was he afraid I would say no? That I might have had enough of him already? Impossible. “I figured since we are the only ones here, and more than likely will be for the foreseeable future, we don’t have to-”

“I like to write.” I interrupted, my slight sadist side being fulfilled by his groveling.

He breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay. You can write, and I can read. We can do that… together.” He concluded, all nervousness starting to dissipate.

“Okay. Let me grab my stuff and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

Ten minutes later we were sitting in a comfortable silence on the large U-shaped couch, Tom reading my book and me attempting to think of something to write about. However it proved more difficult than I was expecting. The only thing I could think of was him. How he was sitting just feet away, reading my book. I tried to determine where he was in the book depending on his reaction but was failing at that as well. He masked his emotions with a furrowed brow and straight lips. Occasionally that mask broke letting a chuckle slip out. He’s finding it amusing at least. That’s a good sign right?

“Having some difficulty?” He broke the silence, his eyes never straying from his page. Crap, he saw me watching him. I knew I wasn’t being stealthy, but he hasn’t looked up since we sat down. How could he know that I’m having a hard time getting started?

“You could say that.” I shifted my position, hoping that might make me more comfortable and by some miracle have something, anything come to me. Not only is it difficult having him here reading my book, it’s odd having someone else, period, around while I write. I’m always by my lonesome when doing so.  I catch myself making some funny faces while writing. In order to skip any embarrassment by someone seeing them, I prefer solitude. That also doesn’t bring any outside distractions, like I can listen to music, stare off into space, talk to myself- do whatever it takes to come up with what I want to do next. “Writer’s block is rearing its ugly head.” He snickered, my book falling onto his lap. “This bitch is partially the reason why I’m on my solo vacation.” He set my book to the side, giving me his undivided attention, beckoning me to continue. “I thought a change of scenery might help some.”

“And has it?” He asked, seemingly fully invested in what I have to say. I squirmed in my seat, not used to this kind of attention. Growing up an only child with older and younger cousins who are focused on their little group, I was mostly alone. No one really paid attention to me. The adults criticized my decision to become a writer instead of a typical “9 to 5.” Also not having much in common with the next generation young ones, I kept to myself. Instead turning to writing as an outlet for my loneliness. I was extremely hesitant before getting published. My writing is like my diary. I didn’t know if I ever wanted anyone to see that far into my mind. But after rave reviews from my publisher, I decided to go for it. Even during the initial meetings with editors, they didn’t give me as much attention as Tom is giving me right now. To say it’s odd, but greatly appreciated is an understatement.

“It’s given me ideas but putting an idea to paper is more difficult than one would think.” I think back to my agent’s idea. I never said it wasn’t a good proposal, I just said it was cheesy and more than likely, overdone. Why would I want to do something that’s already been done multiple times? Yes, there are always different perspectives on the same story, but my argument stands.

He continues to ask me questions about writing, each more thoughtful than the next, shocking me to no end. No one has taken this much interest in my writing. Not even my publisher. What really throws me through a loop is how genuinely interested he is. Most people ask to be nice or are curious but drop the topic after one or two questions. Not Tom. His curiosity is refreshing and scary at the same time.

“Have you ever wanted to get published?” He asked one of the most common questions I would get. My answer still remains the same to this day.

“No.” He raised his eyebrows at my answer. Everyone who asks is always surprised by my confession.  I shrug, “Since I started, it never was my goal. I wrote for me. I didn’t need anyone to read anything because that’s not who I wrote for.” I look at the pen in my hand and smile. It rests on the writer’s bump on my middle finger I’ve gained from many, many years of writing. I used to loathe it because it made my hand look funny, but I’ve learned to accept it because it makes me unique. “Having a pen in my hand feels as natural as breathing to me. Ever since I wrote my first “novel” in 5th grade, I’ve almost always been writing. Everyone I went to school with knew me as ‘the girl who writes a lot’.

As I got older, that’s when people started asking if I wanted to publish someday. My answer was always no, because I never thought I was good enough to and criticism and I don’t go hand-in-hand. I read a quote once that said: ‘Wanting to be a writer and not wanting to be rejected is like wanting to be a boxer and not wanting to get punched.’ It’s not the rejection that held me back. I know that’s par for the course, just like it is with acting. My fear was all of the negative criticism that my books were bound to get. I’m the type of person who could get 100 compliments and one negative remark and only focus on the one negative comment. That would stick with me longer than any of the good.” Because of that, I almost said no when I was offered to publish. I was urged to because of the concept I had. The publisher loved that it was never done before and all of the ideas I had from it, they practically begged me. So after a year of editing, it was published a month ago. I have yet to read a single review though. The only thing I heard was it was doing really well.

“I tried putting something online, but because it wasn’t fan-fiction or have any supernatural elements incorporated, it didn’t take off.” I shrugged off its initial failure. That’s what caught my publisher’s attention though. They liked the overall premise and once they heard what I planned on doing with it, they were on board. “Because you know, that’s all anyone under the age of 25 cares about nowadays.” Shrugging again like it was no big deal, I returned my blank pages in front of me, hoping words would have magically appeared while talking. No such luck.

“Have you ever written anything other than novels?” He questioned, taking into account what I’ve told him. Novels have always been my go-to. I just have had so much to say and so much to write that all of my works have turned into multi-chapter stories. “Have you tried a novella or just a short story?” I shake my head. I’ve seen and read short stories and one-shots on Tumblr, but never tried my hand at it. I guess I could try it… “I say, try that. See where it takes that beautiful mind of yours.”

My head snapped towards him. Beautiful? How could he think that if he’s barely scratched the surface?

He smiled sweetly at me, warming my insides more than I ever expected before opening my book back up.

As we returned to the silence, my mind raced at the possibilities. I logged on to Pinterest and looked up some writing prompts to see if anything sparked some ideas. It didn’t take me long before I found one and I was already 5 written pages in. It felt good to write again. Having the ideas pour out of my mind and onto the paper is an exciting feeling that only a writer can appreciate.

Soon enough the sun was setting and neither of us had moved since we sat down. It was a quiet afternoon that I was yearning for while on this trip. And to share it with Tom was just an added bonus.

I only paused when my hand started to cramp. Tom seemed to have noticed so he suggested we think about dinner. It wasn’t until he mentioned food that I realized how hungry I was.

He insisted on making dinner for us since I (unintentionally) made breakfast/lunch for us earlier. He didn’t know what he should make so I made a suggestion: pickle and bacon grilled cheese. He was intrigued by the idea, so he agreed. I tried to help but he shooed me away, telling me to grab a glass of wine and enjoy the show, only asking me how much bacon to use and how many pickles to cut up. He started asking questions about my upbringing to which I did the same. We both discussed the ways our respective parents divorces paved our lives into what they are today but didn’t get too deep or else I would have cried. I would need a lot more wine for that to happen. He at least found the positive aspects from his situation whereas I definitely haven’t. He credits his parents divorce for showing him human frailty and how he can be more compassionate in his understanding of it. With him being 12 when it happened, he was old enough to understand what was happening. I admire him for the way he has taken something tragic and turned into something positive. As if I didn’t know this already, but he’s a much better person than I am.

By the time he was finished making 4 sandwiches: 3 with pickles and bacon and 1 regular, in case he didn’t like my add-ons or in case we were both still hungry afterwards. He wound up loving it, even adding more to his plain one. He couldn’t believe he went so long without trying it and vowed never to go back to regular grilled cheese sandwiches. Mission accomplished.

“Are you going to get back to your writing now? You looked… rather inspired before. I didn’t want to interrupt.” He asked as he walked me to my room for the night. 

We both cleaned up the kitchen, much to his protest. But I argued my point and he couldn’t say no. He told me all about growing up in Wimbledon with his sisters, going to an all-boys prep school to graduating with a “double first” in Classics at Cambridge and attending the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts. I listened in awe of all he accomplished while I was still in elementary school, before I even discovered my passion for writing. He raved about the small projects he’s done since graduating, focusing on theater. I could tell he was purposely not mentioning Marvel or any other movie he’s done since gaining recognition, wanting his anonymity to stay that. I just listened while handing him dish after dish. Thankfully there weren’t very many, but we took our sweet time doing it. I loved hearing him talk. That accent could make anything sound interesting. But other than that, hearing the passion in his voice as he talked about the theater and how he discovered his love for acting by going as a boy was awe-inspiring. After he rambled, he apologized for only talking about himself while we were cleaning up. I of course didn’t mind, hating talking about myself so it was nice to talk about him and learn more about him from the source and not from the internet.

“Maybe.” I shrugged. “We’ll see if I can get back into the swing of it.”

“Well I believe in you.” He smiled, stopping in front of my door. “I believe you can do it.”

“Oh yeah? How can you be so sure?” His confidence in me is astounding.

“Well, not to sound like a creep, but erm,” he hesitated, “I was watching you before.”

Dear Lord, why? Why did he have to watch me? He saw the faces I make, my staring off into space, and hand gestures I do to recreate the picture in my head… I’m mortified.

“You were so engrossed in what you were writing. I could quite literally see the wheels turning in your head as you were figuring out what to do next.” His tone was filled with as much awe as I did listening to him. “It was mesmerizing.”

Feeling the blush creep in, I looked away from his wonder-filled eyes. No one has ever found something I do “mesmerizing” or anything remotely interesting. So, why does he? Why does he out of all of the people in the world find me so worthy of that kind of praise?

As I sat on my bed after we said good night, I finally could comprehend everything that happened today. I spent the day with Tom Hiddleston. I had uninterrupted quality time with him. No pressure of being watched, judged, or rushed. We had a relaxing day enjoying each other’s company like we were 2 friends on vacation together.

Is he a friend? Or am I jumping the gun here? Would he consider me one after we get out of here? Would he want to keep in contact? Or would I just become a memory that fades as time goes on? On the other hand, why would he even want someone like me in his life? He’s probably got plenty of friends that would be much better company than me. People who he can have intelligent conversations with and go in depth about things I know nothing about. I’d bore him and he’d drop me. But being a gentleman, he’d do it nicely. So there would be that.

I’m not going to have any expectations when it comes to after this week. As far as I’m concerned, after we are clear to leave, we will go our own ways and never think about the other again… well, that’ll only be half true. There’s no way I could ever forget about him. He’ll be everywhere. Me? I’ll only be a memory. He’ll have no reminders of me. He’ll forget about our time together once he gets back to the chaos that is Hollywood. So I will enjoy his attention while I have it…

day two...

Permanent Taglist: @elusive-beauty @drakesfiance @im-a-slut-for-an-accent @fantasy-is-my-reality @hiddlephile @naniky

[kokiafans]

Via Real Sound: more pictures at the source!

Live best album ‘ALIVE -the live history-’ interview

KOKIA talks about her first live best album and her pride in the songs she’s built up over 20 years: ‘I want to be with everyone’s lives’

KOKIA has celebrated her 20th anniversary since she debuted in 1998 with the single Ai shite iru kara (’because I love you’). In this commemorative past year, she’s released all kinds of items, such as an original album and an all time best, as well as a DVD collection. She’s also been very active with concerts, of course in Japan but also with great success abroad, including a performance in Paris for the first time in a long time. Having run throughout this anniversary year, KOKIA herself also calls it a ‘20th anniversary marathon’. Topping it off is ‘ALIVE -the live history-’, surprisingly KOKIA’s first live best album. What did she feel through the works for this album, having listened to a great many live show sound sources once more? And so, I tried asking her not just about being a singer-songwriter, but also about her current superhuman way of working as she started her own personal office and produces all of her own works by herself. (Kuniko Yamada)

Songs as my own lifework

KOKIA, congratulations on your 20th anniversary year. I feel like it was just yesterday when we celebrated your 15th anniversary (laughs). Time passes quickly, doesn’t it.

KOKIA: It sure does (laughs). I was surprised too.

In this year, which you titled your ‘20th anniversary marathon’, you’ve worked on all kinds of releases and live shows.

KOKIA: Yes. There are also people who say an anniversary is just a checkpoint, but I am of the idea that it’s something I want to do a memorial for. It’s not limited to anniversaries; by properly preparing the points to make them last in people’s hearts, I feel it becomes easier for both me and the audience to participate in each commemoration. With KOKIA music, maybe you don’t feel like going ‘I’m supporting her! Yay!’ at full speed constantly, but you feel like going in fast at times when you want to listen excessively or when your mental state calls for it. So, depending on the person, they might not listen for a while, or they might not go to concerts so often; I think it’s fine if they have periods like that. But in this way, they go ‘Ah? It’s KOKIA’s 20th anniversary’, ‘Seems like she’s doing all kinds of things’ and once they hear about my anniversary year activities in one way or another or get to join, they think about listening to my music again for the first time in a while, or about trying to go to a concert. Doesn’t that turn into a chance?

It sure seems so.

KOKIA: I think it’s incredibly interesting that my activities start intersecting with the pace of these people’s lives again as time passes. Without getting overly eager, I think an anniversary surely is a place I’d like to create where guests can support me or easily return.

And at the opening of your 20th anniversary year, your original album ‘Tokyo Mermaid’ came out?

KOKIA: The release before that one was my all time best album ‘EVOLVE to LOVE -20 years Anniversary BEST-’. I held a concert at Tokyo Opera City as a 20th anniversary memorial, and I also held an orchestra concert and a performance in Paris. I also had live DVDs like the 3-disc collection DVD titled ‘Bird Watching’ that came out, right. I’ve considered all kinds of things in order to create these one by one, and it’s been a year in which I really organized my feelings as myself too, about the road from now on and the things yet to come, by talking and writing articles about these items again.

And then there’s the final icing on the cake for this memorial year, your Live Best Album ‘ALIVE -The live history-’.

KOKIA: In any case, everyone tells me how they like KOKIA live, and I got told my lives are life-like, but yet, when it comes to live CDs, I had only recorded my previous 15th anniversary concert ‘Color of Life’. I thought it was strange too that it was the only one I had brought out (laughs). Just as I was thinking that, I got into the talks for this.

Although it’s called a live recording, it’s completely different from when you bring out a concert on one DVD or make a live best as a DVD, as you bring it out as sound sources, right.

KOKIA: in the case of a DVD, of course there’s video. Visual effects are wonderful, and even if it’s not such a good take if you just listen to the sound, due to the entire atmosphere from the feelings from facial expressions, movement and light, it can still feel like a wonderful play and performance. But when you just listen to the sound, sometimes the sensation is disconnected, and sometimes you wonder if it could be a better performance. On the contrary, you might also luck out and go, I sang that song better than I thought! (laughs). With the visual support ending and scraped away, the ways you see and perceive things change, which was also interesting.

This time, you’ve chosen songs from sound sources from lives between 2010 and 2018, right.

KOKIA: Right. Since I arrange and connect to my concerts like I’m creating a scenario from the start to the end, I figured they wouldn’t be able to survive in me if I cut just one song from them. But this time, since I was extracting songs from each concert, I had to create an album out of an assembly of clippings like that, so at first I had to get used to it and felt uncomfortable. However, once I was thinking about the song order, once putting those songs in order like I was assembling one set list made with these scattered pieces, I felt it became a set list like the live show History, which I walked through in the past. All put together like that, it felt like the penny dropped in me.

But you had such a huge number of sound sources.

KOKIA: I felt like, how do I start on this? At first, I did nothing but listen, but that was quite a chore. I didn’t think it would be that tough, but it was (laughs). 

This time, you compiled 24 songs in total for 2 discs; the first of those songs is Arigatou... (’Thank you...’), recorded last year at Tokyo Opera City. No matter how often I hear that song, I get choked up.

KOKIA: It’s a song I’ve sung countless times since my debut for sure, but it’s a song for which I’ve changed the arrangement through the ages and for which I’ve changed my way of singing too, so I wanted to put in this newest version of Arigatou... no matter what. It’s a title that I straight-up delivered during my 20th anniversary as a feeling, it’s also reflected in the lyrics. What’s more, to me, it’s my debut song in a sense. That’s because even though it’s not my actual debut song, it is the first song I wrote and composed myself that was made into a CD.

For the second song, you picked the oldest song from these sound sources, the 2010 performance of Saishuu jouei (’final screening’).

KOKIA: That’s a thing I liked to pride myself on as a pretty great one (laughs). This time I’m choosing from sound sources from a period of around 9 years, but before that, in short around the time of my debut, I sang things that I hadn’t written myself, and when you listen to them, how should I put it... you really feel they’re not my own, and I was shy and embarrassed. But for this live CD, I don’t feel uncomfortable even with the 2010 song Saishuu jouei being next after the 2018 version of Arigatou..., and I can listen to it normally. I feel that might probably be because I was unwavering in the things I want to say through my songs, even after many years. My style and way of singing have changed a little in that long period of time, but I guess it’s admirable that the things I want to do with my songs has hardly changed (laughs). I always keep thinking about exploring to become a better, more ideal KOKIA, just like how I think about that evolution and so on. However, I felt like the direction I’m heading in isn’t a mistake.

KOKIA, you went independent in 2006; that was something big too, right?

KOKIA: Yes. To me, my independence might be one reason why I’m still singing now. If you’re connected to a place and you end up singing under some stress as a singer for a long time, then you might choose a different life. But I think I would have gone independent sooner or later. Because I feel that songs are my own life work. I hate being told all kinds of things by my surroundings (laughs). So thinking about what I like, I want to do my stage performances, my albums, and my way of doing things at my own pace. I’m headstrong like that (laughs).

I don’t think you’d have come this far if you’d just been headstrong (laughs).

KOKIA: If I would praise myself, then perhaps it’s for the fact I can look at myself from a bird’s-eye view. It’s my belief that I know at a glance what I can and can’t do myself. Also, as the KOKIA my audience wants and the KOKIA I want to become myself nicely coincide, I intend to be serious about how to cultivate that.  That’s why I love my job, and I’m really happy even though it’s busy.

What do you mean by ‘coincide’?

KOKIA: there are many musicians, and there’s a great amount of music in the world, but the audience that would hate it if there was no KOKIA music feels something from my songs. When they thought about something they were trying to get, my songs became a push against their shoulder at a big turning point in their lives, or hearing my songs put their minds at ease, or makes them wonder to themselves. I myself, too, keep writing with the feeling that it’d be nice to have a song at certain big turning points or scenes in life, something like a theme song in life like it is for everyone. I can’t express it well, but I create music while thinking very seriously about wanting to leave something behind in the hearts of my audience one by one, and so, I think that people who caught that at the same channel are the people who are listening to my music now.

So it doesn’t matter whether it’s Japan or abroad, does it. This time, you also have sound sources that were recorded at your performances in Paris and Shanghai. 

KOKIA: When speaking of things I can say through my voice or through concerts, I guess you can divide them into 2 big parts. One part is like what I mentioned now, the physical part. That’s something in my Japanese lyrics that I convey, so I guess my Japanese audience can catch that directly. However, when I perform abroad, the part supplemented by the lyrics disappears, and I wonder how to resonate with my audience; separated from the realm of words, there are the vibrations and sensations I hold in my voice. I call those ‘sound waves’ (otonami); there are places where I use the power of those sound waves and the texture of the sounds, and it’s like I communicate that. I also feel that the change in my tone of voice is one of my own inherent flavors, so I try to make a set list that values songs that are easy to convey through things like the variations in my voice or in my way of singing. I think that for this album, the songs I chose are ones that you can enjoy in both of those ways.

I show my own merits by myself

You talked about it earlier already; you’ve gone independent, and over 10 years have passed since. Isn’t there a person who acts like a sort of manager?

KOKIA: There isn’t. It’s the Kirin Kiki method. (t/n: Kirin Kiki a Japanese actress.)

So you’re saying that you also answer phone calls about job requests by yourself.

KOKIA: That’s right. People from the recording companies and so on are hesitant, like ‘may I have your phone number?’, but I say that if  they don’t have my phone numbers, the talks won’t advance. ‘Who should I talk to about the money?’, that’s really well put (laughs). Of course, that person is me as well. I will draw up the invoices and so on.

Well then, you also take on jobs abroad by yourself?

KOKIA: That’s right. Since I also do the matters abroad first-hand, I first translate the contracts and sign them. I’m already very busy when I mail with French people or get mail from China, as that was absolutely necessary to organize my concerts in the past year.

To put it simply, you have quite the work load.

KOKIA: But I realized it, myself. If I can do it, I can do it. I noticed that my own specifications were going through the roof, and honestly, it’s a really good feeling (laughs).

Though I guess it’s tiresome, the feeling of achievement outweighs that?

KOKIA: That’s right. I’m very much a demon for memos. As there’s a lot to do and I always forget, I write everything down, right. The things to do today, to do tomorrow, things to do within a week, and things to do within a month I all write down, and it feels pleasant when I get to cross those out one by one.

However, when there are more than 10 items of things to do, ithen they increase when I can’t process them at just as high a speed myself. Normally I don’t think it’s tiresome or something at all, but at those moments, at first I go ‘Wahh!’ as I can’t allow myself to be late with work (laughs). Aside from that, I feel like I’m overcoming the tough challenges one by one as I perform them one after the other as if they’re quests in a game, and I enjoy myself (laughs).

You’re facing forward no matter what. Surely you love your job.

KOKIA: I love it. I do all of my work and house tasks completely, somehow without a drop. But still, there are times like today when I want to hire some horse power. In an interview on the DVD I recently released, I said ‘I won’t give up anything!’ in response to a question about what will become of KOKIA from now on. I said ‘I’m someone who won’t give up a single thing, neither childcare nor my job nor having fun!’ (laughs). I myself thought it too, that this person really seems like someone who won’t give up (laughs).

(Laughs)

KOKIA: Right, that’s why I won’t give up. After having a child, I decided that I won’t work at all after 18:00 unless I have a concert or a business meeting that can’t be postponed. To put it in a way that’s easy to understand, if I handle the workload for 6 or 8 people by myself, then there is an extra barrier of having to finish in a shorter amount of time than those people. But on the contrary, it becomes fun. Like, ‘if that’s the case, why don’t I do it!’ (laughs). And I guess productivity might also go up? I guess there might be many people who think that KOKIA does all kinds of things or has come up with all kinds of things, but there are still so many more things I want to do from now on, so it’s gotten to the point where I wonder if I have enough time; I’ll get in trouble, I keep coming up with more and more ideas (laughs).

That power and those inexhaustible ideas surely come from somewhere? (laughs)

KOKIA: I wrote about it in my blog the other day, but since I’m constantly just producing output, I don’t really know where that’s coming from. I think that my audience already knows the music, but I don’t listen to it at all. I don’t have a CD rack at home, you see (laughs).

Is that so!

KOKIA: Lately I’ve been asked a lot what kind of music I listen to, but now that you mention it, I don’t really listen to music? Nay, on the other hand, why do you all listen to music? When I thought about it like that, to me, music comes out even if I don’t listen to it, so I feared that I might get influenced if I listen to music by others. Also, because I’m a person who produces and creates all kinds of things like music and words and expresses, I’ll always want space in my head. Extra room. It seems like sound doesn’t take space because it’s not words, but actually, it takes up a lot of space. So, when the sounds flow, I can hear them like distracting thoughts (laughs). If you always put yourself in the sounds, you might lose sight of something. That’s why my surroundings are mostly relatively silent. I might be a pretty old person (laughs).

I don’t think you’re old, though (laughs).

KOKIA: Moreover, in the current age, even if you block it to some extend because there’s news or disorder, what comes in comes in after all, doesn’t it? That’s why I personally feel that it might be okay even if I don’t take it  in myself. But well, simply because I handle such a huge workload, I just don’t have the time to listen to music (laughs).

(Laughs) But I wonder, is that fundamental attitude connected in a way to what you called ‘unwavering’ a while ago?

KOKIA: In these 20 years, the music scene itself has really changed.  For example, the amount of people who simply become like musicians has increased, right? At first, I feel that if it’s to enjoy music,  then that’s alright. Because when it comes to music, I’d like it if it was something casual that people can do wonderfully simply for their own enjoyment or the enjoyment of the people around them. However, as on the other hand all kinds of people can now make music or play instruments, there are times when I’m really worried about the uncertainty of professional musicians. I started to feel that if we’re all evaluated in the same playing field, then we might get buried in the numbers if one can’t find something that’s ‘how they want it’. I suppose I started thinking about what my own individuality is like. Because there is no such thing as a license for musicians, you might say that you’re a professional as long as you say you’re a professional, but surely that’s not the case. So, for me it seems to be troubling to all be together in just one color, and I keep singing with pride that I do my own thing. So what I came back to wasn’t trying hard, but being myself. And if you speak of that, not trying hard but being yourself, then certainly we’re now in a time in which everyone wants to connect in some way or another, or wants to do a collaboration in some way. However, I often think about the strength of times when I’m alone, or of a power that doesn’t connect. So, I’m not even connected with people (laughs). I show my own merits by myself. I don’t feel sorry. By doing that, you might feel or appear to be temporarily left, but I think it’s absolutely different.

I see.

KOKIA: And about singing? When I went back to the ultimate point for singing, the people from long ago apparently communicated all kinds of things through song. While they change a little on the way like in a telephone game, the message in the song stays the same. I think that there’s something romantic like that in songs. Times change, but the very primitive points for people - the heart and intuition, those haven’t changed in thousands of years. Though genres and instruments in music all evolve, and though they evolve into amazing things, is there a kind of craving for music in a place where everything is scraped off? That craving of people. There, I think nothing has truly changed at all.

Meaning?

KOKIA: I think that when telling the ultimate story, for example when you face death, the thing that heals you is wonderful music... isn’t that what songs are?

Because there’s a trend among people in Japan to avoid and not talk about ominous things such as death, there hasn’t really been a chance so far to talk about it, but when a life ends, my own included, I wonder if you can’t trace the music and songs inside heart and head at the moment of passing or when the time of death is close, even if physical freedom has been taken away? It’s possible to yearn for all kinds of things, and memories can get revived. Can’t you remember scenes, people and places just by a melody playing inside your head?

I understand that feeling well.

KOKIA: My own life has been like in those KOKIA lyrics, and I will pass while the melodies play inside my head - ultimately, I’d like to offer that to everyone’s lives to that extent.

Surely that’s why in the MC of the album’s final stage Jinsei wa uta no you ne (’life is like a song, isn’t it’), you talked about your determination to keep singing while valuing the power of language in the future, too.

KOKIA: that’s right. That’s exactly how it is. Because I think it’d be really nice to think that in the end, one is happy to get to come across KOKIA’s songs in one’s life.

Your current project also is released on your day of debut, April 29. I’d surely like to enjoy it carefully until the end. By the way, this product is the last cherry on the cake of your 20th anniversary, right.

KOKIA: I feel like we’ve been talking about ‘20th anniversary, 20th anniversary’ for quite a long time now (laughs), but with this, it’s finished.

It’d be nice to continue for just a little longer, though (laughs).

KOKIA: No, no, that’s quite alright already (laughs). Because I’m heading for my 25th anniversary next!

(Interview/text: Kuniko Yamada / Photos: Yumiko Mitsuhashi)

■ Release information “ALIVE -The live history-” Release date: April 29, 2019

[limited first edition] VIZL-1584/ ¥4,167 + tax＊ anniversary LP size cover work (31cm×31cm) [normal edition] VICL-65188～9/ ¥ 3,704 + tax ※ PlayPASS supported, which allows all songs to be played by smartphone right away Track list

[DISC 1] 1. Arigatou… (’thank you…’) (April 29-30, 2018, ‘Beyond Imagination’ at Tokyo Opera City) 2. Saishuu jouei (’final screening’) (April 30, 2010, Oto no tabibito(’sound traveler’) at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall) 3. Family Tree (January 14, 2017, ‘UTA-Live2017 Shanghai concert Vol.1′ at Shanghai Majestic Theater) 4. Pinku no zou (’pink elephant’) (June 21-22, 2015, Oishii oto o tabeta nara (’when eating delicious sounds’) at Tokyo International Forum) 5. tomoni (’together’) (August 11, 2017, ‘The Soloist’ at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall) 6. Kaba ~Madamu Hippo no Yume~ (’Hippo ~madam Hippo’s dream~’) (November 11, 2018, ‘20 YEARS ANNIVERSARY STAGE’ at Paris La Cigale) 7. il mare dei suoni (April 4, 2017, ‘Mangiare Cantare Amore’ with Orchestra Sinfonica della RAI Roma at Tokyo Opera City) 8. Ai wa kodama suru (’Love echoes’) (December 6 &8, 2011, ‘music like a prayer’ at Shinagawa Church Gloria Chapel) 8. Obake ga kowai nante (’ghosts are pretty scary’) (November 24, 2018, ‘I remember YOU’ at Billboard Live OSAKA) 10. Everytime We Say Goodbye (October 29, 2014, ‘Billboard Live’ at Billboard Live TOKYO) 11. Utau hito (’singing people’) (April 28-29, 2013, ‘COLOR OF LIFE’ at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall) 12. The woman (April 30, 2010, Oto no tabibito (’sound traveler’) at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall)

[DISC 2] 1. Make Sense (December 24, 2016, ‘Christmas Party!!’ at Daikanyama Haremame) 2. The rule of the universe (June 21-22, 2015, Oishii oto o tabeta nara (’when eating delicious sounds’) at Tokyo International Forum) 3. something blue & something red (November 24, 2018, ‘I remember YOU’ at Billboard Live OSAKA) 4. Independent ~dokuritsu~ (’independence’) (November 5, 2016, ‘LAYERS Shinrabanshou (’all of creation’)  at Tokyo International Forum) 5. Chouwa oto (’sound of harmony’)  (August 11, 2017, ‘The Soloist’ at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall) 6. Chiisana uta (’small song’) (December 6 & 8, 2011, ‘music like a prayer’ at Shinagawa Church Gloria Chapel) 7. moment ~ima o ikiru~ (’live in the now’)  (April 28-29, 2013, ‘COLOR OF LIFE” at Tokyo Bunkamura Orchard Hall) 8. Remember the kiss (November 11, 2018, ‘20 YEARS ANNIVERSARY STAGE’ at Paris La Cigale) 9. Kokoro no rousoku (’candle in the heart’) (December 6 & 8, 2011, ‘music like a prayer’ at Shinagawa Church Gloria Chapel) 10. Yume no tochuu (’on my way to my dream’) (April 29-30, 2018, ‘Beyond Imagination’ at Tokyo Opera City) 11. Jinsei wa uta no you ne (’life is like a song, isn’t it’) (November 5, 2016, ‘LAYERS Shinrabanshou (’all of creation’) at Tokyo International Forum) 12. Moon River (October 29, 2014, ‘Billboard Live’ at Billboard Live TOKYO)

■ KOKIA, live best album release commemorative special program (link expired) April 29, 19:00~

[neuxue]

Before you get to the arc payoffs, I think it would be cool if you could illustrate your thoughts on the journeys the main characters have gone on to get to this point. Like, your thoughts on their consistency and what you think worked and didn't work, aside from Perrin's plotline temporarily dying and Mat disappearing for a book.

This is an excellent question and I could probably take several weeks to compile an answer but I’m going to answer it now because I am an adult who is entirely in control of her life and her choices especially regarding fiction, fictional characters, and the discussion thereof.

‘Main characters’ is a rather flexible definition in WoT so I’ll start with the original set from EotW and go from there, and we’ll see how far I get.

(Okay it turns out I only got through the Emond’s Field group, becasue I’m me and I can’t just write a sentence or two for each one, but I might try later to do the same for some other characters)

Rand al’Thor: Rand’s character arc, and the way it’s executed, is fantastic. He definitely benefits from the sheer length of the series (well, his arc does; he just suffers), because it allows for a nuanced, complex, thorough character journey from farmboy to broken hero, from human viewpoint protagonist to distant focal point around which everything spirals, from determined trusting optimist to desperate half-mad fatalist. Any of those transitions can be and have been done in shorter wordcounts, but the length of the series, and the way everything about what Rand does and goes through escalates a little (or sometimes a lot) with each book, gives his arc this feeling of an inexorable pull, of compounding pain, of just a series of small steps, each only a little further than the next. 

When you have 12 books (so far) to do that with, you can end up a huge distance away from where you started, without it ever feeling like too great a jump. Each ‘level’ (either of what he has to endure or what he himself does and becomes) is gradually normalised over time; he and the reader acclimate, so then it’s time to step up to the next. Put The Last That Could Be Done after, say, Falme, and it would still hurt but it would feel almost like too much (and also not enough, because it would lack the weight and momentum of everything that came before). Instead, you get to watch the slow unravelling of a character even as his power grows, tension building, until (like his ancestors the Aiel) he becomes all but unrecognisable as who he was at the start, but every step along the way feels like just another step, until a single step is all it takes to push him off the cliff his narrative has spent the better part of twelve books building for him.

I also love the way Jordan has played with POV in this particular arc, with Rand going from the main viewpoint character to barely having a POV. It suits the way he goes from being a protagonist beginning his journey to becoming the centre of a whirlpool that expands to encompass the entire world, as well as how he goes from being very young and human and real to… “I don’t know how human the Dragon Reborn can afford to be,“ to just dragging himself and the world to the Last Battle. He loses POV chapters because he no longer sees himself as a person with agency or even the right to his own mind – which, too, is invaded and eroded as time goes on, again fitting well with the decrease in POV chapters: his mind is literally no longer his own, nor – he believes – is his life.

I expect his to be one of the arcs with the greatest catharsis in its payoff, just because there’s so much that’s built up over time; the potential energy, if you will, is huge, and at some point it has to be released, and while building it took 12 books and counting, there’s…not all that much time left, so it’s going to be released in a far shorter time than it was built, and if anyone remembers anything from physics class, that means it’s going to hit with a hell of a lot of force.

Also okay in my head this was going to be maybe a paragraph or two per character so uh….

Egwene al’Vere: Another character arc I absolutely love, because she grows so much. She goes from strong-willed village girl seeking adventure and trying adulthood on for size to young woman finding her place in the world to true Amyrlin in strength and understanding and maturity. She’s allowed to make mistakes; and throw herself wholeheartedly into things the way so many of us do when we’re still figuring out who we are; and then smooth all of those pieces together into somoene who is still herself; but a more experienced, older, wiser, stronger version of herself. She grows up, in a very real sense, and we get to watch that play out in a way that isn’t always smooth and isn’t always perfect, but feels very real.

I’ve also talked a few times about how the main difference between her and Rand, beneath all the parallels drawn between them, is that in terms of their heroic arcs, she chooses while he is chosen. It’s something I love about Egwene’s arc and her character overall – she’s allowed to be ambitious and to want things and strive for things, and is rewarded for it rather than shut down.

She asks the world for a chance to be more, and it demands a great deal from her in return, but she rises to the challenge at each step, and then takes the next one, and then the next – like Rand, a gradual change that seems small at any given point but is huge overall – but for all that she leaves her home behind, she never loses who she is. And some of that means she keeps some of her flaws, and makes some mistakes along the way because of those flaws, and that’s…permitted, and taken into her overall arc.

And the way her arc is drawn parallel to Rand’s, in a way that draws similarities and yet simultaneously highlights the differences in how they approach these similar things, is excellent and, I think, enhances both of them as a result.

Mat Cauthon: Here’s an arc that I feel is a bit uneven or inconsistent. Some of that fits who he is – the rogue, the trickster, the one who is by his very nature inconsistent except for the aspects of him that are absolutely constant (his commitment to keeping his promises, for instance). So to some extent you don’t expect his arc to follow the same pattern as a more ‘standard’ heroic archetype. This archetype demands a bit of freedom and flexibility to play around with and sometimes flip on its head.

And I think that works well for him from TDR through TFoH. There, we watch the push-pull of denying his fate yet remaining loyal to promises and friends, telling himself he wants no responsibility and is no bloody hero and yet very much acting the part and gathering an army who follow him because they respect and believe in and trust him. We see him learn to use his luck, see him visit the Aelfinn and Eelfinn and manage to come out just a little bit ahead despite always feeling a few steps behind (and also almost dying, can’t forget that). And by the end of TFoH, he has grown, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself.

And then…he stagnates (’the right hand falters’), for approximately five goddamn books. He gets bogged down in a storyline that at times seems to exist purely to be a ‘battle of the sexes’ sandbox, serves as a narrative tool for belittling or putting down other characters when it’s not belittling or diminishing him, and vanishes for a book for no particular narrative reason beyond not having much to do. And then he wanders with the circus for a while before finally taking some bloody initiative and marrying his enemy’s empress. By accident, but still, it’s progress.

The thing is, if he had gone straight from the end of TFoH, with a newly acquired army and responsibility that he claims to want nothing to do with, to freeing the Windfinder(s) in Ebou Dar and then staring out at the devastation that escape caused, to giving Tuon a cluster of silk rosebuds while planning the use of gunpowder in war, to the events of As If The World Were Fog and Prince of the Ravens, I think I’d still enjoy reading about him. The pieces of a great arc are there, but the pacing is off, and there’s too much in the middle that seems to serve no real purpose (except to irritate and be irritated by other characters, which doesn’t make anyone look good).

I also think one of the issues with Mat’s arc is that more than others, he is put in positions where his gain is another central character’s loss (see for example the latter half of Swovan Night and Small Sacrifices) for…seemingly no reason. I much prefer the moments where he gains by his own merit (see This Place, This Day and The Lesser Sadness, where he acquires the Band and helps win the battle of Cairhien by being awesome), or, if it’s to be at the expense of other characters, in a way that doesn’t end up making other protagonists just look…less.

For the record, I also disliked when Egwene spent a few chapters making a fool of Nynaeve as part of flipping the leadership/power dynamic between them. I have no problem with conflict between characters (Egwene and Nynaeve bickering all the way to Tear felt real, and suited their development) or with power struggles, but I think it’s important to make sure it’s…fair, I suppose, if you’re using protagonists on both sides. A character can be narratively served by losing a conflict, so long as they’re treated as an actual agent in it, rather being temporarily demoted to narrative device, existing just to make another character look good at their expense. And the resulting ‘benefit’ to the other character feels sour as a result. (An example of this being done better is Mat fighting Gawyn and Galad; the stakes are relatively low, it’s done in a lighthearted way, and while Galad and Gawyn lose, they don’t really lose face).

I also feel like there’s so much more that could be done with the memories Mat acquires - they certainly contribute to his arc and to the positions he ends up in, and recently there was the issue with him realising that the Eelfinn might have some sort of link to him, but we never go very far into the…psychological impact, I suppose. I mean, he remembers dying. Multiple times. And even the memories that don’t involve death often involve battle. So he’s got sort-of-but-no-longer-really secondhand literal war flashbacks coming out his ears, he has howmany fragments of identity floating around in his head and seeming a part of him and yet also not? That’s fascinating, give me more. It just seems like such a cool thing to play with, and instead more often than not it’s a plot device.

Nynaeve al’Meara: Ah, Nynaeve. Another arc I love. I’ve actually written about hers already (albeit a three years and several books ago) but I’ll go into some of it briefly here as well. Where we see Egwene grow up, Nynaeve begins the book as an adult, if still on the younger side, but established in her position and her identity, even if she has to fight for it at times because of her youth and particular personality quirks. And then she has all of that taken from her, and is thrown into a world where she no longer knows who she is or should be, where none of that authority or experience she possessed means anything. It’s such an interesting way to start a character’s arc, and it plays out beautifully as Nynaeve tries to find her footing again and stumbles so many times along the way but, like Egwene, in a way that feels very real. 

Through it all she holds to certain core aspects of herself even as others are recognised as mutable, and thus learns who she is and grows into not a different person entirely, but someone more herself. Not self-aware, precisely, but…in control. She breaks her block by finally surrendering, by letting go of the walls she built around herself and her own power out of fear and insecurity, and in doing so accepts what lies beneath them. And as a result, she now controls that vast power within her, rather than having only an occasional grasp of it through anger. That’s something of a metaphor for her entire arc, really: she faces herself as much as she faces any external enemy, pushing past those walls and insecurities and fears, through that uncertainty of where she fits in a world so much vaster than the one she came of age in, and thus gains control of her abilities and strengths and self, and can use that to work toward what she has always held as most important: protecting and helping and defending and healing those she loves.

Perrin Aybara: I love his arc from the beginning through to the end of TSR. The Two Rivers arc? Absolutely gorgeous. But, like Mat, I think his arc falters a little (or, if we’re continuing with the prophecy, strays) in part, perhaps, because he almost completes some of it too early. I do like that it’s not treated as perfectly linear – that just because he’s learned leadership and come to more or less accept it in his home village doesn’t mean he’ll be 100% great at it and fully on board from here on out – but I also think the way we revisit some of those problems could be done better. 

I also just hate the Malden arc in general, because once again it makes Perrin look good (sort of) by putting Faile in the role of damsel-in-distress (not in mindset but absolutely in contrived situation) and forcibly holding her there until Perrin can finish his arc. Which detracts from the payoff of the arc itself, for me.

I’d rather have seen that done differently – there are other ways Perrin could have struggled with truly accepting leadership, and also come to throw away the axe – and perhaps slightly earlier, which would allow Perrin to make the decision regarding the wolf dream a little earlier as well, because I don’t see how he’s supposed to convincingly learn it well enough to do anything with it between now and the ending. And if he doesn’t have time to do that, why was it brought up?

All of that said, I do think his arc itself is a really interesting and sometimes understated but often beautiful one. The axe/hammer conflict that winds its way  through so much of his arc across ten books is not always subtle but it’s present like a drumbeat, a constant that illustrates the heart of the conflict at the core of who he is and who he wants to be and who he needs to be. It also ties so well into the overall salvation/destruction theme and duality. It’s an interesting way to handle a character of the general archetype Perrin represents, and I think that aspect of his arc is done very, very well. He’s not always my type of character, and there are some inconsistencies in his arc and places where the way aspects of it are accomplished that irritate me, but the overall shape of it is lovely.

[rainbowserenity]

I finished KH3 🙃🙃🙃 I HAVE THOUGHTS

spoilers obviously, though I feel like I’m in the last person in the world who finished it so pffft

- SO LIKE..........THE FUCK.........XIGBAR IS LUXU??????? THE FUCK??????????????? I mean I guess that sorta explains why he seemed to know so much about Keyblades and stuff BUT WHAT THE ACTUAL FUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUCK???

- and then all the Masters just kinda appearing??? They really want everybody to play the shitty mobile game, don’t they.....cause if this was the ending of the ‘Xehanort saga’, I’m guessing that the next part is gonna be the ‘Masters saga’ or........something...

- kinda sad that they didn’t explain more about Marluxia and Larxene’s connection to everything, but eh...I gave up on the mobile game forever ago and basically only know the gist of things thanks to the magic of people summarizing it all

- WAIT IS DEMYX THE MASTER OF MASTERS............lol oh god watch this end up being true I hate everything

- even though I’m meh about Union X or whatever the heck they call it, the battle towards the end where all the Players help Sora....and then you see that one kid....I sobbed like a baby IDK WHY IT WAS JUST VERY EMOTIONAL FOR SOME REASON

- the ending sort of confused me in regards to Sora....when you see him and Kairi on the tree, I’m like, okay woo he rescued her, but then he sort of disappears and she cries...? what the fuck was that about??? I guess it’s not a KH ending if there isn’t something that confuses the fuck out of you, but still...

- whatever happened with Sora, I feel like there should’ve been some kind of sequence at the end with Kairi, maybe ~reaching towards the light~ or whatever. I was honestly really disappointed with her in this game. they gave her a Keyblade and she was supposed to be all badass, but nooope....it was just an excuse to get her to the final battle so she could be kidnapped. so lame

- ANYWAY Riku and Sora were ridiculously gay throughout the whole game and it was all glorious

- like seriously, when they rescued Aqua and that random Keyblade appeared when Sora showed up??? nobody ever mentioned it or anything...? just a Keyblade from Sora and Riku’s gayness, here to save the day. THAT’S THE KIND OF SHIT I’M HERE FOR!!!!!!!!!!

- also I did all the Battlegates (I was like level 80 by the end of the game because I wanted to make it last FOREVER so they were all pieces of cake), and in one of the Secret Reports, it says that the replicas needed some kind of “spark” to get their hearts going and make them people

- ...........Roxas appeared after Axel had lost his Keyblade and was all upset about Saix.......I’M JUST SAYING.................that’s not gay at all cough cough

- OH GOD AND AT THE END WHEN THEY’RE IN THEIR NORMAL CLOTHES???? AND ALONE ON THE CLOCK TOWER BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE SHOWS UP????????? EXCUSE ME WHILE I CRY LIKE IT’S 2007 WHAT THE HECK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- seeing Namine and Xion hang out together was way more awesome than I thought it would be. IDK THEY’RE BOTH CUTE

- my feelings towards Xion have always been a solid “meh,” but when Sora said her name - even though nobody was supposed to remember her - and she started sobbing, THAT WAS IT, HERE COME THE TEARS

- Axel and Roxas staring at each other before Xion starts sobbing? gaaaaaaay

- AND THEN AXEL GATHERING BOTH OF THEM IN HIS ARMS......

- THE PART WHERE ERAQUS SOMEHOW CAME FROM TERRA’S HEART AND THEN GATHERED THE WAYFINDER TRIO IN HIS ARMS???? WHAT THE FUCK WHY DIDN’T I BRING TISSUES WITH ME WHEN I PLAYED THE ENDING AUUUUUUUUGHHHH

- Chirithy finding Ventus would have lost all meaning for me had I not read the summaries hahaha don’t make me play your mobile game KH, jfc

- apparently some people missed this part, but in the Final World, you could talk to “Namine” and some other girl when you spoke to those transparent stars....I assumed that all the text stuff were from Players in Union X after that first Keyblade War....??? idk, but I’m also assuming that the other girl who spoke was the one that died (Laurium’s sister??? idk everybody on Twitter was flipping out about it awhile ago lol)

- THE SECRET ENDING............Nomura is awfully salty about XV, isn’t he lololol

- THE NEXT KH SAGA IS THE VERUM REX SAGA HAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA seriously what the fuck was happening there

- maybe I’m just slow, but WHAT WAS IN THE BOX???????????????? I’m assuming the full Book of Prophecies???? but like...???? THE FUCK???????? IS HAPPENING???????? I hate that so much is connected to Union X ughughugh they should release some kind of console/handheld version that condenses all the mobile nonsense into a 40-hour game that’s less nonsensical. I’m actually really curious about the story, but Union X’s gameplay suuuucks and I have no desire to go back to it

- I sorta wish there’d been at least one more Disney world that they hadn’t shown in the trailers, just for a ~surprise~....I’m definitely not disappointed with the worlds they did pick, though

- except maybe for Arendelle....one of my least favorite kind of places in video games are confusing mountainous paths where you can barely tell which way you’re going and....WELP....

- I do absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOVE that they put the entire Let It Go sequence in there. my jaw dropped when it happened and it was AWESOME

- The Caribbean and Kingdom of Corona were the best worlds, don’t @ me

- I WANNA SMOOSH SORA’S FACE IN <333333333 he was like....a thousand times more adorable in this game than in any of the others, what the heck???

- I loved that there were points where you played as Riku and Aqua, instead of it merely being a cutscene, and that they had powers relevant to them (like at the beginning, Riku had higher level magic cause he’s a Master?)...idk I thought that was a nice touch!

- while I completely understand why the Unversed were in the Monsters Inc world, Vanitas showing up and being all “VEN IS IN YOUR HEART” kinda lost the dramatic impact they were going for since Sora was a furry, pantsless monster. IDK MAYBE I’M DUMB BUT IT MADE ME LAUGH sorry Ven

- every single scene where the Wayfinder Trio reunited with each other or someone close to them made me cry like an idiot

- ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SAVE AQUA AND THEY’RE ALL “WELCOME HOME”.................WOW WATERWORKS BRB OW MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!

- I loved that tiny little moment towards the end where Roxas and Ven see each other and are all “???????” lol it was cute

- I’m sorta disappointed there wasn’t a little more with Roxas, considering half the point of Twilight Town being in the game was for Hayner/Pence/Olette to find a way to get him back.....but seeing everybody eat ice cream on the clock tower was Very Good

- personally, I think the whole Final World part was beautifully done. the location, the music, seeing hundreds of Soras doing backflips and flailing around.......magical

- I’m going to need another compilation of people saying “Sora, Donald, Goofy” like immediately please thanks

- THE WHOLE SOUNDTRACK WAS A++++++++++

- even though finding some of the emblems was a pain, all those Hidden Mickeys and being able to use Disney rides in battle kinda made things feel more Disney-tastic, like I was at the parks ahahaaaa so great

- I feel like I had more thoughts but I’m finally coming down from all the sobbing so excuse me while I float into another plane of existence and maybe get the strength to write AkuRoku and/or Riku/Sora fic even though there’s probably like two people who follow me who would read it

- WHO WAS THAT RANDOM GIRL EVERYBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT???? I mean, given the reports, maybe that one girl who died in Union X didn’t actually die but time-traveled.....but if she was that other voice in the Final World.....ow my heard idk what’s happening anymore

TL;DR: GREAT GAME, MAYBE NOT WORTH A 12-YEAR WAIT BUT FABULOUS ALL THE SAME, WILL CRY OVER AND PLAY MANY TIMES IN THE FUTURE BUT ANNOYED AT ALL THE RANDOM CONFUSION AND CONNECTIONS TO UNION X; 8.5/10

[blast0rama]

Daft Punk – “Prime (2012 Unfinished)”

Last night at Midnight, many excited fans finally got a hold of something they’ve wanted for a very long time.

I, of course, am talking about The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, the long-awaited sequel to Breath of the Wild, the beloved Switch installment of the long running franchise. That said, I couldn’t join them last night1.

Instead, I found myself hitting play on another long-awaited release, last night’s drop of the 10th Anniversary edition of Daft Punk’s Random Access Memories.

Besides being gobsmacked that it’s been 10 years since the release of what would — unbeknownst to us — become Daft Punk’s last album, I immediately wanted to jump into the second “disc”2, filled with different odds-and-ends from the album’s sessions.

When Random Access Memories dropped a decade ago, the response was mixed, to say the least. Daft Punk was coming off of the stunning career one-two punch of their score to Tron: Legacy, an amazing step-up in profile and difficulty for the French dance music duo, and their Alive: 2007 tour and album, an amazing, enthralling mix of literally their entire career to this point. A mashup of literally all their work to this point, Alive: 2007 served as a celebration of their success, recontextualizing songs from Homework, Discovery and Human After All into one massive celebration of music, grooves and a career well spent. They dug deep into the music they made and generated a new appreciation of it all.

When the massive marketing campaign for Random Access Memories hit, people were expecting something the next Discovery, but instead, they got something quirkier. Sure, Daft Punk received the greatest charting single of their career in “Get Lucky”, but after decades of sample fueled dance hits, the masked robots of Thomas and Guy-Man chose to look back to the records that made them, and put together a true 70’s disco record. In the 2010s.

This was extremely polarizing. Though the appreciation of the record has grown over the years, the hardcore Daft Punk fan base didn’t know what to do with the album placed before them.

And that’s part of what I found so intriguing with this 10 year release. Sure, you’d be getting the expected international release B-Sides (“Horizon”), but you’d also be getting a look at the duo’s creative process, with a number of demos and unspoken of lost tracks. Even the bitter-sweet alternate version of “Touch” which soundtracked their 2021 farewell video.

But there was one track that piqued my interest.

“Prime (2012 Unfinished).”

I’d heard “Horizon” previously, and knew there was a lost Julian Casablancas song (“Infinity Repeating”), but what was this?

In turn, at about midnight last night, that was the first track I hit play on.

I played it once. I played it twice. I played it three times.

Turns out, for a fan of Daft Punk, this track is almost like a Rosetta Stone.

It’s the inflection point from the Tron: Legacy score into the Random Access Memories-era.

The groove is there, but so are the real instruments. The strings, the hypnotic vibes, you lose yourself in it. And yet, you’re teased by what could’ve been. It says it in the title — 2012 Unfinished — this was a song they weren’t able to figure out. It’s a puzzle minus a key piece.

Yet, at the same time, it’s incredible. It’s funny how a creative never sees the full positives of their work. They see the poorly drawn lines, the grammatical errors, the hook that didn’t hit the heights they wanted. “Prime”, even in this form, snakes its way into your brain, and won’t let you go.

I was immediately reminded of another of my favorite musical acts, The Appleseed Cast, who in 2012 as a creative project, opened the doors to their demos in process. Those have been long since archived, but one track lived on on a compilation album. The song later became “North Star Ordination” on Illumination Ritual, but in hearing the demo, found here, there’s a similarity to “Prime”. It’s a work trying to find itself. All the pieces may not be there, but you’re enthralled. And you wonder what could be.

It’s been two years since Daft Punk called it quits. One half of the duo, Thomas Bangalter, did press recently surrounding his original ballet(!), speaking to the BBC.

In it he said, about their robot-era:

As much as I love this character, the last thing I would want to be, in the world we live in, in 2023, is a robot.

Is it any wonder then, that today, 10 years after the release of Random Access Memories, with “Prime”, we’re getting a look at Daft Punk at their most human. Creating something real and true, and wondering what could have been.

Random Access Memories (10th Anniversary Edition is streaming now.

I promised my wife, who is out of town, that I’d wait until she got back to start the game. She likes watching me play through different games. It’s like real-life Twitch, I guess?

Weird to call it that, given, you know, streaming.

[mentallyunstableunicornwrites]

Dinner that night was a rowdy affair with Yuuri’s family, Minako, and the Nishigoris stopping by to meet Viktor, the gamer that Yuuri had been infatuated with for a long time. Viktor was beyond flattered really, and some of Yuuri’s shyness around him suddenly made sense. However that didn’t keep them all from poking fun at Yuuri every chance that they got, using Viktor as ammunition. More than once Viktor wished he understood Japanese when a particularly red faced Yuuri would stutter, looking at Viktor in shock.

The food was unlike anything Viktor had ever tasted before. Breaded pork with egg, veggies, and rice. He considered himself a foodie in every sense of the word. There was nothing that he wouldn’t try, and given the fact that he was well traveled he had plenty opportunities to eat exotic dishes. There was something about this particular dish though that was beyond anything Viktor had ever experienced.

“It’s called katsudon.” Yuuri said quietly while his family chatted amongst one another, apparently leaving Yuuri alone for a little while. “It is my favorite, although I don’t get to eat it all that often.” He blushed a little, “I have always gained weight a little too easily.” Viktor smiled softly at him. This was nice, Yuuri actually letting him into his personal life, even if it was just a little.

“So, Viktor, have you gotten a chance to see our Yuuri’s shrine yet?” Mari laughed as Yuuri coughed up a piece of his food. He had no clue what she was talking about, but he was more than willing to find out.

“What shrine is this?” he said, genuinely curious as he turned to Yuuri who had been reduced to nothing more than a sputtering, tomato red mess.

“His shrine to you of course.” Her voice was so innocent and in such sharp contrast with the way Yuuri was acting that Viktor was beyond intrigued.

“Yuuuuuriiiii?” Viktor drawled, “what is this I hear about you having a shrine to me?” He placed his elbow on the table and rested his cheek against the palm of his hand. Yuuri just looked at him like he had asked Yuuri to solve the world’s most complex mathematical equation before jumping up and excusing himself. Mari fell into a fit of laughter that brought tears to her eyes.

“If you want to go see it, you may want to go now. I think, he is going to tear it down.” She said between laughs and wiping her eyes clear of tears. Viktor had never acted on anything so fast. He stood up so quickly that he just about fell over and almost took off without thanking his hosts.

“Katsuki-san, thank you for the meal it was delicious,” he said so quickly that it sounded like it came out in a single breath before he turned around and took off.

“He is in his room!” Mari yelled after him. It was only then that Viktor realized he didn’t even know where this so called ‘shrine’ was. He ran up the stairs as quickly as his legs would carry him and skidded to a halt in front of a door he remembered Yuuri pointing out as his. He stood there for a moment, knowing that all he wanted to do was throw open the door and catch Yuuri in the act of taking down… whatever it was that he would keep in this shrine. But Viktor also knew that Yuuri was a lot more private in real life than he was online. He had to be careful about how he stepped around Yuuri, because there was a good chance that he would act like a wild animal and run away if Viktor overstepped. He had already crossed an ocean for Yuuri. If the man ran from him while they were staying under the same roof, he wouldn’t know what to do.

He gently knocked on the door and didn’t even bother suppressing the smile as he heard Yuuri squeak in surprise and a bunch of rustling on the other side of the door. A few minutes later the door finally slid open to reveal a rather disheveled looking Yuuri who was breathing a little bit heavier than he should have been.

“Viktor.” He said casually, “I didn’t expect to see you up here already. Are you done eating?” Viktor was beyond surprised with Yuuri’s ability to get through his statement with a straight face. Then again two could play this game.

“Oh, yes, I am done.” He smiled. “I thought we could chat, just the two of us. Mind if I come in for a bit?” He watched as Yuuri wrestled with the idea in his head for a moment before finally sighing and stepping to the side allowing Viktor in.

The room was smaller than Viktor had expected it to be. The rooms that he had always lived in were easily two or three times the size of what looked to be a storage closet that had been renovated some time ago. Viktor could feel Yuuri’s eyes on him.

“Sorry it is so cramped.” he coughed, breaking the silence. “I find that when the world feels like it’s a little too big, having a small place to retreat to is nice.” He shrugged as he closed the door and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. After a moment of hesitation Viktor did the same.

“Does that happen a lot, the world feeling too big?” Viktor couldn’t say that he completely understood what Yuuri was talking about. But the differences between the two of them were evident. Viktor thrived off of attention, Yuuri was more subdued and seemed to enjoy his solitude. He could see how, for a person like Yuuri, having a small space would be beneficial.

“Often enough.” He paused and looked at Viktor with a look that made Viktor’s heart beat a little faster. He could see the inner turmoil, the tug of war between letting Viktor in or keeping him at a distance play out in Yuuri’s eyes. “Viktor,” Yuuri finally whispered and looked everywhere but where Viktor was sitting.

“I… I am not… mentally I… the thing is…” He sighed in frustration. Viktor shifted on the bed so that he was sitting right next to Yuuri. Reaching out he wrapped an arm around the younger man’s shoulders and pulled him into his embrace for the second time that day.

“Yuuri, take a breath.” He whispered into Yuuri’s ear, he could feel the tension start to fall away as Yuuri took a deep slightly shaky breath and release it. “Nothing, and I mean nothing, that you could tell me would ever make me think any less of you.” He made sure that his tone told Yuuri that he was adamant in that belief . He didn’t want to leave an ounce of doubt in Yuuri’s mind.

“I, I don’t talk to many people about it.” Yuuri whispered after a moment. “Most people outside of my family and close friends don’t know.” Viktor tightened his grip on Yuuri and smiled as he felt the man readjust to make himself more comfortable. His head resting on Viktor’s chest, one hand over his eyes so he didn’t have to look at the world, the other loosely wrapped around Viktor’s waist.

“Am I not a friend, Yuuri?” He asked softly. Yuuri shook his head and pushed away from Viktor suddenly to sit up and look him in the eye.

“Why would you think that? No, we are… we are.” He took a deep breath and started to twist his hands in his lap. “I have a disorder, an anxiety disorder. It makes it hard for me to think sometimes. My mind will start to lie to me. It tells me things that I know aren’t true but it forces me to believe that they are.” He paused, taking some time to compile his thoughts.

“Yuuri?” Viktor called out after a few moments, “Will you, I mean, it may help me understand a little better, will you tell me what happened at the GPC finals?” Yuuri slowly pulled out his phone, and for the first time Viktor noticed the poodle case and smiled. Of course Yuuri liked poodles, he was perfect in every other way.

“T-This, this is Vicchan.” he said turning the screen towards Viktor. A much younger, much chubbier version of the man before him was kneeling on the ground with a toy poodle that looked like a small version of Makka. Viktor smiled at the sight, it was pure and happy, and… why did Yuuri look so sad?

“Vicchan is… was my best friend growing up. I was painfully shy and had a really hard time making friends. But dogs, they just don’t care.” Yuuri smiled at the picture. “He loved me for me, anxiety, panic attacks, the good times, the bad, he was there through it all. The morning of the second day of competition, right before I left the hotel I received a phone call from my sister that Vicchan snuck past her that morning while she was getting deliveries. She called him but he was always adventurous and he ran out to the end of the drive. The car… the car didn’t have enough time to stop.” Yuuri’s voice began to get raspy as he held back the tears.

“Oh Yuuri!” was all Viktor said before he threw himself at the man and wrapped him up tight. Makka was everything to Viktor, the companion that he never really got to have before because of who he was. The dog went almost everywhere with him and he couldn’t imagine what it would be like to lose Makka in such a violent way. “And you still tried to play.” He whispered as his hand ran soothing circles around Yuuri’s back. “I don’t think I could have.”

“That night at the banquet, Otak, my sponsor, approached me and said that they were no longer interested in sponsoring me. In the end, I just… I couldn’t face anyone.” They sat together letting a silence linger between them. It wasn’t uncomfortable, rather there was a kind of relief in the unspoken understanding. Viktor smiled and rested his head against the crown of Yuuri’s.

“You really are something special.” His voice was so quiet that he wasn’t sure if Yuuri had heard him or not. The slight tightening of Yuuri’s arm around his waist told him that his words were appreciated though.

“Yuuri? What is that?” Viktor said with amusement as he pointed to a framed picture on his desk. The wooden frame contained a picture of none other than Viktor himself right after his GPC finals win last year. Yuuri jumped up so quickly that it almost knocked Viktor backwards as he lunged for the picture.

“That? That is nothing.” he said hastily. “Just a weapon I plan on bludgeoning my sister with in her sleep tonight.” If Viktor wasn’t already completely enamored with Yuuri, the sight of him beet red and guilty at being caught with Viktor’s picture on his desk would have sealed the deal. Continue reading on AO3