#Journalposting?

[flaskoflethe]

Sorry for being so quiet, here and elsewhere, lately! We're 3 weeks and change into recovery, and haven't had much in the way of energy lately. What bits we have mostly are going into making sure we aren't overdoing things, and dilation. As we get more and more recovered, we'll be back to our normal self ^^

[salorade]

another day another subject to oddly specific coincidence. no diagnose for what this means or why it happens. it just does.

[kamil-a]

also sometimes when you feel bad you need to ask yourself if its a theory of mind problem and then when you realize that yes person A wont realize the marble is in the blue box because they went out of the room when it was put there just because YOU saw it you can go ohhhhhh okay okay phew okay. the actions thoughts and beliefs of myself and others around me do not fuction as grouped layers in the art program of life

[wizardyke]

not to be mean as fuck but i really really dont understand the hype behind these stickers. these r things that u can buy in those massive childrens 500+ stickerbooks that last you FOREVER for only a fiver or so, but its not marketed pretty enough so people dont buy them. i get it a small business and all that but these pictures are definitely not taken by the pwrson who makes it and youre far better off getting a bang for your buck instead of shipping out products that wonr particularly last

[modern-alebrije]

when i worked at the campus galleries in college we had to lock up the gallery if we needed to use the restroom bc it was only one attendant per gallery.

one day it'd been unusually busy and i hadn't had a chance to use the restroom so when there was finally no visitors i immediately took the opportunity to Go. as i was locking the gallery doors these two ladies walked up and asked if we were open. i said that we were but that i was just stepping out real quick to use the restroom, and that i'd be back in less than five minutes. one of them protested and asked why i couldn't just let them in, i told her that i couldn't leave visitors unattended in the gallery, and reassured her that i wouldn't be long. she huffed and puffed and i went to go do my thing. the restrooms were literally just outside of the gallery and i just had to pee so i was back after not even three minutes. i unlocked the doors, thanked them for waiting and let them in.

BUT! and this is the part that always comes back to me:

on their way out, the woman who'd gotten upset came up to me and apologized for how she'd behaved earlier. she explained that she'd been at the dentist earlier and couldn't eat until later so she was hungry and her mouth was uncomfortable, and she said that even so that was not an excuse for how she talked to me earlier especially because i hadn't done anything wrong, really. and in all my years working with The Public i had never had a Customer apologize to me for being shitty, and admitting out loud that her shitty day didn't justify being shitty to me.

and i think that's what being a good person is about. it's not about never hurting others or being unreasonable, and it's not always doing The Right Thing, because i think being a shitty person is just part of being A Person. instead, it's about having enough consciousness, or perspective, to know when you're lashing out for unrelated reasons and being able to say, out loud, "sorry about that, that had nothing to do with you"

[quatregats]

I haven't met with or talked to many people this trip, but I will say that it has helped a lot with the focusing on what I actually want to study and making me want to study it and also teaching me how I should move forward in the research process. Like idk in the US I get a lot of theory and such but no one knows anything about my topic so they all just kind of go "cool sounds like you know lots about it 👍" whereas people here can actually get into the nitty-gritty of it and can see where my knowledge is lacking (and also the professors have just given me better advice lmao). The only hope is that I can keep this good energy up when I get home.

[luuckywarlockk]

I have an extreme hatred of my dreams.

I try very hard to keep my thoughts in order. It's important that the volatile and unhealthy ones are quickly dealt with so that I avoid allowing them to cascade into worse patterns. While I am mostly getting very good at keeping my emotions in line, dreams throw a wrench into that problem by continually choosing the pepper by brain with bullshit I have already handled, bringing up people and events that incite those unhealthy and volatile. They never seem to give me happy images, only horror and reminders of things that used to be happy but long since soured. It makes my dreams feel less like an unconscious expression of my mind and more like a malicious attack.

The worst part is I can't tell how insane what I just wrote is honestly.

[unleashedsonic]

taking a nap but here. to start my journalposting tag

[naiadic]

Sometimes I settle into my bed at night and look up at the ceiling and i just...smile...like..this is life. I'm living. Im resting. I had a day full of Life and god damn it tomorrow is another one and right now the window is open and it smells like summer and the dryer is running and my legs are freshly shaved and I'm Alive I'm Alive I'm Alive I'm Alive I'm Alive

[beatsboy]

8.5.23 4:29am

fluid is turning into the most beautiful community that i could have never envisioned when we started this. it started as a birthday party, for myself and a few others at the house, where i booked a dj, then two, then a couple of live acts, and then came the tattoo flash artists and vendors… now, we have a community. and it's not that dumb move to la collective bullshit. that's the crazy thing. we didn't plan this. we didn't create this with the intention of bringing a bunch of people together for something specific--it just kind of, happened. out of our backyard, out of my studio, out of a group of queers that just wanted to have their friends play their music and sell their art and tattoo people. and now, we're at a budget of almost $2000 in artist payouts and have been able to contribute back to the community in an actually meaningful way. the things people have said to me about how much these parties mean to them has been baffling, i never thought it would mean this much to anyone other than us, than me even. i'm still somehow shocked that other people want to put work and effort into this. i'm used to being the one who has to convince people to care. i remember throwing literary trivia nights at the cultural center i worked at in college, buying all my friends' tickets so they would come and they would keep putting on the event. the only thing that made it profitable was me and a group of MFA students that came every month to show off their knowledge on classic russian literature.

i have never been part of something that involves other people that i have wanted to pour my soul into so whole-heartedly. it's not that i haven't spent this much work on something, i have. i put more hours into brightstar, even. but why? to make money? that wasn't it. i never saw a paycheck. my billable hours were metaphorical, at best. i put more time into novels, but that was always alone. i have poured countless hours into countless projects and jobs and people, and fluid drives me absolutely crazy sometimes with how much work it has turned out to be, so quickly i may add, but it drives my crazier when TB proposes we take a break and put it on pause because--no, i need this. i need this as much as our community needs this. i need this event like i want to be there, like i want to put it on, like i want to see everyone enjoy themselves and see my friends play their music on a stage we built, on a stage i paid for, in a space that is safe and protected and designed for them. for us. and not only have i never done something so connected to who i am and what i actually want to be doing, but never have i done something like this with other people who care as much as i do. never have i been surrounded by people who see importance in the same thing(s) as me, not like this.

i will not overwork myself into the ground because this is worth it. because this has to be sustainable, because i want to do it for a long time. because i want to do all of it. it is not a "work myself to death until i'm done with this job" it is not a get rich quick plan. it is so much more than that (and i doubt we'll ever become rich from this, no matter how long we do it, but that's also kind of the point). we're doing things differently, and it's harder, and it takes longer, and more effort, and it's so so worth it. we are not simply throwing every DJ and local artist we can find onto a flyer and charging more and more for tickets so we can afford the lineup. we choose every single person because we're obsessed with their music, because they are part of our community, because they get it. we think about every aspect of every event, with firebenders and mermaids and now aerial performers. these are things i barely knew existed a year ago. and i can't wait to see what we come up with next. it's so much, and i am so grateful to be finally spending my time and energy on something that fuels my purpose. i thought my purpose was to create, and i do still think that is part of it. but more so, i feel like my purpose is to take care of people. and to make people feel less alone. i tried to do that through my novels, but i never realized how much of that is at the core of hosting events, especially queer/trans events, as well. it's the whole point. it's not about having the coolest club or party in la, it's about the people who show up, who keep showing up, about making them feel welcome and warm and excited and belonging all at once. and i see that in everyone's faces when they come to our shows, and i hear it when they tell me how much they love coming to every one.

i suppose i'm still surprised every time someone comes back again, as i am so accustomed to people leaving.

[d-0ve]

something they don't tell you about surviving. sometimes healing really is doing Whatever It Takes to get away. sometimes running from abusive people destabilizes your whole life, and and makes you more crazy and less functional and more neurotic and sad and you go through hard fucking shit because of it. and it feels like you are running full speed in the wrong direction, and your life is a mess, but it's still the very best choice you can make.

sometimes it really does feel like you failed, like you were wrong to leave, like the more you try the harder it gets. but. but the secret is. you're alive. and you are your own, and you got away. no matter how hard it makes your life to get yourself free. you are making the right choice, i believe in you. you can do this. you deserve to be free. sometimes the way out is thorns, or a wall. you are doing incredible. you are breaking through a wall. you will likely get bruised. you are brave for it.

[featherdvelvet]

...

[climbinupuraorta]

My problem is I speak more harshly to myself than I would ever want to speak to someone else, but I refuse to let anyone else speak to me like that. Being called an idiot by my own self doesn't feel as insulting as being called an idiot by someone else, because when a second person is on the scale it becomes possible for one of us to feel superior to the other, and I constantly watch for people thinking they're superior to me.

Obviously the best fix for this is for me to stop being mean to myself, but some people seem to wish I would just let them be as mean to me as I am to myself, which tells lots about them I think.

[room-13]

I'm like half-stoned atm and all of these hornyposts and aesthetic posts are boring me someone do something funny

[kimberlycee]

Monday, 10 Jun 2024 11:43 PM

I am starting this journal in order to get my thoughts in order as well as my feelings.

I can't seem to make a desision and stick with it. I know what I deserve. I know I should listen to my intuition and not anything else. I feel like

I am contaminated with Logan's energy. I am not sure what's his energy and what's mine anymore. I can't seem to separate myself from him. He angers me and I hate him with a passion. I feel disgust when I see that he has no respect for me or my feelings. He has no remorse for the the things he does and says to me. Something is wrong with him. I don't know if he is a full blown narcissist or is he just mentally ill. I don't believe he is capable of actual love. I think there is a blockage. I think he is capable of being attached. But not actual love and respect. He sees no wrong in what he does or says. He will leave and be gone for a long amount of time and the plan will change and he doesn't think about messaging me and.letting me know and doesn't understand why I'm mad. Then he doesn't want to deal with the consequences of my anger. He wants me to shut up. I'm not allowed to have an opinion, I'm not supposed to express anger or pain. He doesn't want to deal with it. He doesn't want to hear my feelings. I am just supposed to deal with his bullshit and be quiet. That is what he told me. When he is yelling and screaming or in a mood...being abusive I'm not supposed to react

So basically, I'm supposed to be less than human and be his horse he can kick. I'm not supposed to fight back or call him names back in anger. He can be disrespectful and abusive and I'm supposed to allow it and keep my mouth shut. Is he narcissist or just plain sick in the head? Now I see why Stephanie couldn't do it anymore. I see what she went through even though she had issues as well. I can only imagine that he verbally lashed out at her as well. What did I fight for? I wish he would have gotten back with her. Why was I so hell bent on keeping someone who is not capable of understanding how to respect another person? He talks about women like they are beneath him. Where did he get this? He literally fought with his mother before she died and I wonder what it was about. I mean, if he can argue with his mom when she is so sick and about to die what kind of a man is he? He will never truly love me. He isn't able. He doesn't know or care about somebody else's feelings based on what he does. I don't even know if he even acknowledges that he does anything wrong. We can't communicate whatsoever when I try to explain how he makes me feel or tell him the things he does to me hurts me he refuses to admit he's done anything and then turns the tables around and tries to put blame on me. He finds nothing wrong with verbal abuse. He finds nothing wrong with calling me a stupid bitch, whore, cunt, old wrinkled hag, saggy, fat ..ugly. He wants me to just be quiet and not react. I've told him that I am eventually going to hate his guts and I will leave. My body will not allow him to touch me. My body will shut down and not want to be touched by him. It happened before and I am sure it's coming soon with him. I feel it already starting . I used to be so ready to give him sex anytime he wanted and now I feel like I am doing it and not wanting to.

The last few times I have not wanted to and haven't enjoyed it. I'm starting to just feel resentment . I need to make a final decision and stick to it. I need to just leave his ass and not worry about what's going to happen to him when I'm not here. I shouldn't have to sacrifice my mental health and life because he can't treat someone with love and respect . I hate the fact that he has a needy, little boy personality that shows love and affection towards me. He does things for me and cooks for me and can be sweet. Who is that guy? Then he can switch into the asshole that doesn't give a shit about what I feel. That's what keeps me hanging on. I will miss one of his personalities. I don't understand if he has borderline personality disorder...or what his issue is.

[aserendipityseason]

february 2024 v march 2024

a strong start to the year but then it was short lived

👎 did not do yoga

👎 did not do weights

👎 did not walk my dog

👎 forgot to journal

👍 read more in march

👎 learnt less French

👎 forgot to take vitamins

👎 really let me skin go in march

👎 spent more

👎 posted less on instagram

👎 had a worst "silly goal"

mostly i forgot to record everyday so i think that counts for why most of these in march are so low but lostly i think it was because i didn't really do much of them anyway