#Lifeofanadoptee

[aerialklove]

Hello Friends!

Like this post if you would like an update!! 

Peace& Love  ~A.

[iamdamienli]

I am Damien Li - Life Of An Adoptee (Korean Adoptee Art Festival)

[aerialklove]

My Adoption Story ( Overview)

Hey friends! So I wanted to give somewhat of an overview of my adoption story so you dont have to scroll through almost 900 post to figure out what I am talking about!! 

My name is Aerial and I am twenty-six years old. I am from Virginia here in the U.S. I was born as a twin. By the time we were four months old we were taken out of our biological home and placed in foster care. Not only were we placed, my older sister Quan was placed, my first cousin was placed and we all were basically seperated however the social workers kept me and my twin brother together. 

I recently found out that my birth mother P. did not leave us in an apartment by ourselves ( me, my twin brother, Quan, and two of our first cousins) her late sister did. Between the ages of four months to nine years old left with a druggie alcoholic lady. 

My birth mother raised all Hell in the social workers office trying to get us back but unfourtnately over the course of the next five years she was deemed unstable to care for her five children.  My foster parents now my adoptive parents had just secured three acres of land, built a two story house and had two kids naturally. We were legally adopted by the time we were seven years old.

I found out I was adopted around the age of eleven or twelve however I had a feeling around nine that I was different and I started asking questions. I am Black and my adoptive family is Black so nobody really mentioned anything. “Why are their no baby baby pictures of me?” “ Why are there no ultrasound pictures of me? Nobody really had the answers for me. I was putting clothes in the washing machine in the basement and I tripped over a small box. I picked up all the letters to put them back and one had my name on it but my name was different. It was court case papers that confirmed my adoption. My mom found out and she was not very happy. 

Condensed Version

I found my biological siblings on facebook and we met in the summer of 2010. My birth mother called me on my 18th birthday we had a secret phone relationship until I met her in a hospital for people with mental conditons. I met my birth mother’s father side of the family and my biological father in the course of the next three years. 

I started this blog in 2013, I think, just to really get my thoughts down becaue I didnt really have anyone to really talk to honestly about how I felt and found a beautiful community of adoptees, people who dealt with foster care, adoptive parents, biological parents, and advocates of the adoption triad. 

Yes I have been on this journey since I nine. I have experience the positvie and the not so positive...trying to escape generational traps, being a good daughter to both my mom and birth mother, acceptance and rejection...and the joy of being an Aunt to all these kids that I adore with my whole heart ( three nephews and two nieces). I can truly say I wouldn’t go back and change it if I could and I hope sharing my story will inspire you to do to the same.

Feel free to reach out to me. PM me for contact info outside of tumblr. Take care of yourself! 

Peace & Love ~A.

[aerialklove]

Breakdown of my Biological Family vs. The Family that raised me...

Biological Family

Birth Mother: P. Biological Father: T Siblinging on my birth mother side: Roddy (brother), Tee (sister), Quan ( sister), A. ( twin brother)

Sibling my my biological father side: S. ( sister) Quan ( sister) A. ( twin brother)

So me, Quan and A. are full siblings.  However... Tee and Roddy’s father believe’s I am his biological dauther because I look exactly like his son! There has been no DNA test done though. So do I know who my biological father is for real? Nope but I love all of my siblings. 

Adoptive Family 

Momma: S. Dad: N. Siblingings: Wil ( brother) Meme ( sister)

My parents fostered me and my twin from five months old to about seven years old. In that time span she was able to have two children naturally. She thought she couldnt have kids initially and thats why she became a fostered parent. Boom! She ended up with four kids. My twin and I was seven, Wil was five, and Meme was probaby a year old.  I am the oldest of four and the second youngest of six. I am older than my twin brother. Talk about awkward middle child!

So seven siblings and two that do not want to meet me which is okay. That’s basically the simplified version of things.

[aerialklove]

My Birth Mother Meets My Boyfriend...

After my knee surgery my birth mother came and visited me in the hospital. B. had stayed overnight even thought I told him that I was okay and he should go get some rest. Before this happened I was skeptical of him meeting her. P.’s condition tends to make her emotions unpredictable respectively. I was worried if B. would be able to handle this. I didn't want him to be scared or worried about me. They have talked on the phone once prior to this but in person is totally different.

I remember being nervous. P. knew that his is my first relationship. She didn't know B’s ethnicity. I didn't tell and she never really inquired. I remember being nervous and I had no appetite. There is no privacy in a hospital either. I had an A room so my space was next to the door and everybody was coming through there. When my birth mother showed up I was genuinely glad to see her but still really nervous. “ P. this is my boyfriend Billy!” I said it as happily and upbeat as I possible could. She shook his hand and just looked at me in amazement and seemed happy for me. She didn't stay very long but she did send me a text which was pretty cool. 

I didn't call her for her birthday because I just was not feeling good. That was a hard week for me. I was dealing with recovering and not being able to go anywhere and I just didn't want to talk to anybody. I hope she can understand. I did send her a text. B. and I haven't really talked about it but I would like to know what he though about his meeting.

I was relieved because P. seemed stable. She seemed upbeat and happy too. I was prepared for the cycle of her emotions but that didn't happen. It was the most “normal” encounter I have had with her actually. I am not sure when I am going to see her in person again. 

[aerialklove]

Plot Twist: An Adoptee’s Perspective

I learned that my birth mother didn't abandon me, my twin brother, my older sister or her niece and nephews her sister P. did. My late Aunt P. ( I didn't get a chance to meet her) left all five of us with a lady that was a drunk. The story goes my birth mother came into social services raising all types of hell to get us back. However she was deemed unfit because of a variety of things. 

When I was younger... before I found out I was adopted I always thought that my adoption was a mistake. Like “ This was not suppose to happen” or “ Something must have went terribly wrong.”  This new piece of information kind of stopped me in my tracks. I never blamed my birth mother for anything but I the feelings of loss, grief and abandonment are heavy burdens that I carry. I immediately felt like I need to take a step back from what I “ thought I knew” and “ what I do know” and really focus on getting the story straight and finding out who my biological father actually is. 

People ask me : “ Why do you want to know? That is in the past.” I give these people the benefit of the doubt,  They don't know. They wouldn’t understand and they probably would not even try. Do you want to know why I want to know? Because  I deserve to know! I have the right to know! I am surrounded by biological family so somebody is gonna tell me something!! 

[aerialklove]

Did You Tell Your Partner/Significant Other ( Boyfriend or Girlfriend) etc.. That You are ( were) Adopted?

Did you tell the person you are sharing space ( dating ) that you are ( were ) adopted?

I did tell him I was adopted as a kid. Why? Because a lot of the things I deal with especially in the relationship aspect of my life.... any relationship actually... 95% of the time stems from being adopted. The other 5% percent is because I am human. 

Question to the adoptees: Is being an adoptee part of your identity? Do you see the adoption circumstances just something that happened to you? Would you tell you significant other that you are/were adopted? 

Let’s Chat ~A 

[aerialklove]

Meet Up With Another Adoptee Blogger: An Adoptee Perspective

I met a fellow adoptee blogger a few days ago! We became friends here on Tumblr and then migrated to Facebook and Instagram. ( Add me if you like to see photography and shenanigans.)  She is a beautiful soul. Hearing her story in person was really eye opening and inspiring. We shared out thoughts on living as an adoptee and living with another adoptee. Her brother was adopted and my twin brother was adopted with me. We found that our brothers really didn't want anything to do with finding biological family but we ( her and I) wanted to seek and wanted to know.  

It was so fulfilling to be validated and validate someone else’s experience. I know that we are each two unique people but we were literally telling the same story and sharing the same feelings and talking about boys because who doesn’t get together with girlfriends and talk about guys? Lol! 

I so wish there was a community of adoptee’s here where I live. I would love to start one but I am low key a commitment-phobe and I don't know if anyone would come out and what type of snacks to bring. 

Is there like an adoptee conference or something ….somewhere? 

[aerialklove]

Mother’s Day and Mental Health Awareness Month: An Adoptee’s Perspective

This Mother’s Day my ten year old nephew will visit his mom in the psychiatric unit at the hospital. You all are probably wondering about the back story to this. I rather not disclose her story but I want to kind of dissect my feelings about this. I have been caring for my nephew for the last few weeks since all of these things have unfolded. 

My nephew sat on the floor in front of the tall window and looked at the mountains. “ Auntie! I can see my house from here!”   I was happy in that moment because his little face held so much excitement. “ You can see a lot on the fifth floor!” His eyes beaming at me when he started to see people walking and cars moving. I could still see the sadness behind his eyes. Over the last month we have been at this hospital for various reason over fifty times. I sometimes feel like I live at the hospital. 

My sister took a turn for the worse last week and we had to take her back to the hospital. Her mental state was and still is in question. She is struggling right now and I just want to be the best support system however, this is triggering everything in me right now. 

Mother’s Day is has always been hard for me. My mom just asked me if I wished my birth mother a happy mother’s day? It took me back a little but my mom and I having been having small convo’s about my birth family so I am not so shocked about her question. I told her no I have not called her because I don't have the heart to talk to her. 

 I found out something that I would like to tell you all in the next post! 

[aerialklove]

My Sister Saved My Life: Confessions of an Adoptee

This is going to be the most emotional post I have posted to date. I owe my sister Tee my whole life. For my new friends and followers on my blog, my sister, affectionately referred to as Tee, is my oldest sister ( eight years older) on my biological mother’s side. We met in person on May 8th 2010 and have been almost inseparable ever since.

A few days ago I asked for positive and healing vibes for her because she is battling a rare from of Lupus. I am not going to put all of her info out on the blogosphere but she has been dealing with this condition for ten or so years. It has not gotten any easier for her.

We had a moment with each other after her hospital ordeal. She shared her appreciation for me being a light in her life. As I accepted and reflected on what she was saying to me...  my whole body ached with the reality of our situation. I wanted to tell her that  she saved my life. Seriously! 

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that nobody has to be nice to you. Nobody has to like you, love you, tolerate you, deal with you or give you anything. I told Tee this to.  I told her this “ You didn’t even know me. You didn't know my intentions. You didn't know but you still did everything that you could to help me with my journey.” 

So many adoptees and adopted people do not get the chance to me their biological family or they gain contact and they either get rejected, decided not to pursue a relationship with bio family, pursue the relationship and then it goes haywire...or actually gain a relationship and it go pretty well. I am very, very fortunate to not only to have an amazing relationship with my biological siblings, especially my sister Tee, but I don't have to worry about not having a supportive family because they are. 

If it wasn't for Tee I would not have met my birth mother ( our mother). That was the biggest void that my heart held. Tee helped fill that void and she has made herself into kind of like a filter in a good way. She protects me, she lets me see what I need to see...good or bad to help me come to grips with [ our mother’] condition which also helps explain why our mother could not raise either one of us. Tee helps me enjoy the good healing moments with  [ our mother] by passing the phone when I am comfortable speaking to her, or emotionally supporting me when things become overwhelming. Tee shares her stories with me and that allows me to realize that I am not alone in this. Through her own battles, through her own life journey she has taken the time, and has even sacrificed to help me get through this. Tee has also dealt with my parents (the ones who raised me) and I give her huge props for dealing with them because they were not easy to deal with in the beginning. Tee promised me when we first got in contact with each other that she would be there for me and that promise has never been broken.

So what do you do when someone saves your life? What do you do when someone makes it their mission to help you create a new life? What do you do when someone is ride or die for you. That’s what Tee is. I say “ouch” or I breathe funny and she says “ what's wrong?” “ you good?” “ are you ok?” What do you do when someone is silly with you? When jokes goes on for hours and hours?” When the laughter is uncontrollable?”  Tee opened her space to me when I thought I was going to suffocate in my own. She has played and intricate, graceful roll in the woman I have become and the human being I have decided to be. Her son gives me so much life and being and Aunt is one of the most purposeful things in my life right now. 

To answer all those questions: I do what is necessary.  If she needs it and I can do it  then it’s done.  I would do anything for her not just because she is my sister, not just because she saved my life but because she is just a really nice person who is coming into her own more and more daily. I have witnessed her growth, her achievements, she is real, and she does not accept anything but what’s right, what’s real, and what’s fair. She keeps it  |100 and 10 | with me regardless. Whether I am pouting about something I cannot control or celebrating my accomplishment as I celebrate hers. She allows me to be my best self. My true genuine self.

It is hard when it feels like the people who say they will support you don’t support the WHOLE you. I feel like my parents support the me that they nurtured. I feel like my intermediate family ( grandma, aunts, uncles) support the me they can see... or the tangible parts of me. My friends get to revel in the me I present to them but  Tee supports the WHOLE me. The me who is the obnoxious little sister who wants to wear her sunglasses all the time. The me who talks and talks and talks for hours. The me who gets really quiets and tends to shut down. The anxious panicked me. The Auntie. The crying in a dark corner me. The me who tries not to eat all the snacks and asks for juice all the time. The me who tends not to get it the first time and she has to repeat herself. 

She loves the baby sister that was taken away from her so many years ago and she love the sister who found her way back home. <3

 Peace & Love  In your journeying 

~ A.

[aerialklove]

Grief During The Holidays: An Adoptee Perspective

I always feel for the people who lose loved ones during, before or after the holidays. I have a close friend who is spending Christmas without her grandfather for the first time and I feel for her so deeply because I went through it.

Grieving during the holidays is nothing new to me however grief for a love one and grief for a love one who is here on this Earth, living there life and wondering if they are thinking about you, or if they love you enough to call and wish you a Merry Christmas but know that you will never be apart of their life like you could have if you adoption never happened. That a grief that weighs on me every day.

Grief knows no boundaries. Grief can come in subtle ways or a wave of just emotions that overtake you and make you feel like a ton of bricks. Explaining this to people who don’t really understand what it feel like is hard.

I miss my birth mother. I miss her a lot actually. I have never really expressed to her in person how much I actually miss her because I don't want her to feel sad. I don't want her to see me as her failure but more so her accomplishment and I want to represent how strong she is. I want her to see happiness and love and all of the good things a person can posses. I am not trying to mask the hurt and pain too much because there is no healing there but I don't show a lot of that hurt and pain when I do see her or talk to her.

Grief for her is deeply rooted in my being. I thought maybe it would subside and it does in each season of my life but there is a point in those seasons where I’m just overwhelmed by my own life. When your  first life ( before fostering and adoption) is a trauma, healing from that is, what I know believe and acknowledge is a life long process with good and bad days and good and bad feelings. My name is Aerial. In Hebrew that means : Lion of God. I am a Leo Sun and I am a fighter. This journey is not for the faint at heart.

So to my friends here who are dealing with this type of grief .... grief for someone you want in your life but for whatever reason cannot be in it in this season of your life my heart is with you. My love and energies are withy you.

Peace & Love ~A

[aerialklove]

Guilt. Grief. Gain. Growth: An Adoptees Perspective

Guilt 1. If I search from my biological family...my birth family will “disown” me or not like me or will not treat me the same. 2. If I spend time with my biological family...then my adoptive family will think I don't love them or like them or don't want to spend time with them. 3. Post reunion: Trying to choose who to spend the holidays with. 4. Forming relationships with bio family that are almost better emotionally than the adoptive family.

Grief 1. Longing for a connection from biological family even though the relationship in the adoptive family is loving or okay. 2. Post reunion: Knowing that the relationship that may be formed with biological family especially birth mother or birth family will never be the same because of the trauma and abandonment as a newborn, infant, child etc. 3. Wanting more. From everyone around you because of the void that may be there or the lacking of emotional support. Walking around and people telling you that because you were adopted into a “good family” that you should be grateful but all the feelings turns in to grief from loss.

These are just a few examples from my personal adoptee journey. Guilt and grief can eat you alive. It has cause anxiety, depression and just a want to shut down. However there is light at the end of this tunnel.

    Gain 1. I have three older sisters who mean everything to me. I would not trade them for anything in this world. 2. My twin brother and my older brother are cool 3. I have two nieces and two nephews and don't need kids right now (win) 4. My birth mother and I have an ok relationship. I acknowledged her hardships. I forgave her. I told myself that I am not her but I am her in every way that it counts. I gained a friend.

Growth 1. I don't internalize the things that people perceive about my birth family. 2. I don't feel as anxious when I decide to spend time with my biological siblings. 3. My mom acknowledges my adoption and we have talked about and it has not been an angry explosion.

An adoptee’s journey is not for the faint at heart however it’s not something that you have to be brave or strong through either. There were plenty of time where I wanted to give up and there were times like right now....when I just want to get one hundred percent closure.

I really appreciate this community. I know all of us are unique but I believe that we are each others strength. Mays sound corny but hey I believe it. November is right around the corner so I am getting ready to really dive into getting posts together.

Peace and Love ~ A.

[aerialklove]

Connecting The Dots: An Adoptee’s Journey

A few month ago I met a man at my job. He was eating dinner with his wife. I was the server for the table. He asked me if I had family in town because I looked familiar. Automatically I get nervous on the inside. I tell him that I do have family here. I tell him about my birth mother who lives in town ( where I work) and I tell him her name. He was like I went to school with her and you look just like her.

Today

I went to CHS where he said he went to school with my birth mother.  The office lady connected me with the librarian who let me look at the old yearbooks and boom I find her when she was a sophomore and a junior. She looked so studious and I saw a lot of resemblance between the two of us.

It was eye opening because I always wanted to see what she looked like in high school. I am the same age she way when she was deemed unfit to care for me.  I also realize that her life took a drastic turn because she was not pictured for her senior year. By that time she had two of her five children.

I think in order to write my memoir ... I need to know the whole story. So connecting the dots on her story and trying to determine if my biological father is actually my biological father then I will be able to really put my story in perspective.

[aerialklove]

#metoo

If you have been following  my blog then you know that I am a candid person. I share my stories in hopes that it will inspire others. I am leaving this hashtag here to stand in solidarity with all the people who have dealt/deals with  (but not limited to) sexual harassment, abuse, assault.

[aerialklove]

Biological Father’s Family Gathering: Update

So I didn't go. I was stuck at work all day actually. I thought about going before work but I didn't want to deal with pent up emotions all day. I text his oldest daughter who I am very fond up. She is so sweet. I told her I was sorry for not being able to go. She texted back saying she didn't go either. I asked her if we could maybe sit down and talk about it and she said sure. So hopefully one day soon we can sit down and talk about it. I am definitely asking for a paternity test.

[aerialklove]

Adoptee Journey Update

Hi everyone! I hope all is well. I just wanted to talk about where I am at in my journey.

Things are getting a little better externally. My family is asking more about my biological family. However I feel like I am becoming more and more defensive when my family asks about my biological family. I was in a situation a few weeks ago with my grandmother and my Aunt. I guess I offended her when I said my little sister ( she is my mom's biological daughter) is exactly like our mom as far as personality and my grandmother said " Well how is "your" mom like?" I was taken back by her tone of voice and the way she brought up my birth mother. So I fired back. "She has a great personality. When she has her good days she is funny, upbeat and nice. When she is having not so good days it becomes a little difficult to communicate with her.

I hate that when my family brings up my biological family up sometimes. It's not as bad as it use to be though.

My birth mother has been trying to get in touch with me. I talked to her once just to say hi but she has been calling me three times a day for the last three weeks which is stressing me a little. I hate to tell her that I cannot talk to her everyday but I really can't. On my voice-mail she's like hi it's your mom P. Call me back when you get a chance. This makes me feel all types of ways. I don't respond though. I think I am really ready to sit down and talk to her for real.

I am still seeing my therapist. I didn't realize how deep everything is and how many emotions and feelings I have suppressed.

I am also looking for a new job. I'm not happy at my job so it's time to go. Hopefully I can get a job using my talents and that can financially support me.

I am talking to this guy. From what I can tell he is pretty cool. In the back of my mind I feel like I am going to sabotage this. I suckered at relationships and being vulnerable and this and that. I'm really trying to break down these walls and let someone in.