#NUMBER 1 WIFE GUY!!!!!

[b0bbynash]

[bunnyboy-juice]

NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???

[dreamsy990]

i haven't listened to epic yet but this is my understanding of odysseus as a character

youre sooooooo right

[dykekarkat]

having very esoteric aftg rarepair thoughts. about a mattnicky streamer au.

[userobiwan]

actually losing my mind over both ahsoka and obi-wan heavily hinting to anakin that they know about padme and that they understand why he may want to leave the order. anakin thought he was trapped and alone, but two of the people he cared about most understood and would have helped if only he had asked

[eyemarchshelby]

NADJA OF ANTIPAXOS (my darling wife)

[pettydiazmybeloved]

I’m sorry y’all where are the Madney gifs from this episode

Chimney called himself a husband and I damn near lost my mind

do not let Eddie’s hoe phase hot mess take away from Madney having their first ep as A MARRIED COUPLE

[before-i-forget-again-pod]

Meet Larry!

Art by @beckandrewsart (Admin Beck)

Have any questions about Larry? Comments? Concerns? Our ask box is always open.

Stay tuned for more character intros!

[commandershepardvasfuckit]

The funniest thing about being a WoW guild leader is my pseudo cult of guild members

[gawactose]

Looking at my 3 old man characters who have dead wives like... We need to stop recreating the same dead wife trope dude

[bootleg-nessie]

Rating band names based on their accuracy:

(I keep updating this list so check back later)

The Beatles: 3/10. None of these people are beetles, they’re just a bunch of fruity guys from Liverpool with matching haircuts

(Edit: changed from 0/10 to 3/10 because John Lennon beat his wife)

Pink Floyd: 4/10. There is not a single person named Floyd in the band, but some of the members do arguably look kinda pink

Nirvana: 10/10. Getting high and listening to Nirvana is roughly what I imagine actual nirvana to be like

Foo Fighters: either 0/10 or 10/10. I have never seen foo in real life so either they’re pretending to fight a problem that doesn’t exist or they’re doing an absolutely fantastic job of fighting it

The Eagles: 0/10. Same as the Beatles, there is not a single eagle in this band. The name is misleading and we have all been lied to

Queen: 6/10. Partial points for Freddie Mercury

Led Zeppelin: 0/10. I don’t think any of these guys have ever even seen a zeppelin, let alone one made of lead. A lead balloon would crash faster than my hopes and dreams

The Rolling Stones: 3/10. There is not a single stone in this band. Some points added because I’m pretty sure they rolled quite a few

U2: 0/10. Despite what the name says, I am not a member of this band

Metallica: 9/10. Naming a metal band “Metallica” is like naming your dog “doggy”

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 2/10. These guys are not chili peppers. They’re not even that hot, let alone red hot

Guns N’ Roses: 0/10. How the fuck could a gun or a flower play music

Backstreet Boys: ?/10. Depends entirely on their current given location

Simon and Garfunkel: 10/10. No notes

The Doors: 1/10. Jim Morrison is kinda shaped like a door tho

Chicago: 4/10. The number of people in this band does not come even remotely close to the population of Chicago. Points added because it originated in Chicago

Earth, wind, and fire: 2/10. This is even more innacurate than Chicago. Points added because wind instruments were often used

Def Leppard: 3/10. There is not a single leopard in this band. Some of the members are probably kinda deaf by now tho

The Beach Boys: ?/10. Accuracy depends entirely on location

The Black Eyed Peas: 6/10. Not sure what the hell an ‘eyed pea’ is but the black part is pretty accurate

Imagine Dragons: ?/10. Depends entirely on whether or not they’re thinking about dragons.

Cage the Elephant: 1/10. Why would you do that. Let the elephant go

Green Day: 0/10. They’re not even green

The Police: 0/10. There is not a single cop in this band

KISS: 5/10. I’m sure they probably kissed sometimes

The Monkees: 0/10. Are you fucking kidding me

We Butter the Bread with Butter: 8/10. I can’t verify this but I have no reason to suspect that they’d lie. Butter seems like the most logical thing to butter bread with

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard: 0/10. I got really excited about the concept of a lizard wizard only to be let down. My disappointment is immeasurable

They Might Be Giants: 5/10. I googled everyone in this band’s height, the tallest guy’s only 6’1 so I wouldn’t exactly consider him a giant. Then again, I can’t really argue because the claim was only that they MIGHT be giants

The Presidents of the United States of America: 2/10. None of these people are Joe Biden nor are any of them former presidents. This is incredibly misleading. I’m pretty sure “Lump” was written about my first girlfriend tho so I’ll give them a point or two

Gorillaz: 2/10 Not quite but we’re kinda close genetically so I’ll give them partial credit

The Killers: ?/10. I have no way of verifying if they’ve actually killed before but the fact that they’re not in prison tells me probably not

The Offspring: 10/10. These guys are definitely somebody’s offspring

Arctic Monkeys: 1/10. They are neither monkeys nor are they from the arctic

Thirty Seconds to Mars: 1/10. It takes WAY longer to get to mars than that

Beastie Boys: 8/10. They’re pretty beast on the guitar

Jimmy Eat World: 1/10. Slow the fuck down Jimmy, you’re biting off way more than you can chew

Hole: 9/10. One point deducted because I’m pretty sure they had more than one hole

Rage Against the Machine: 10/10. They did exactly that

Alice In Chains: 0/10. This is illegal. Let Alice go

The Band: 10/10. This could not possibly be more accurate

Nine Inch Nails: 1/10. I can’t find any good pictures of their feet but from what I can tell their fingernails definitely aren’t nine inches long

Bush: ?/10. Not quite sure about this one, felt uncomfortable asking

The Who: 2/10. I’m not dealing with this “Who’s On First” bullshit

Radiohead: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a radio for a head

Queens of the Stone Age: 0/10. This band should be called “five random dudes from the modern era” but FRDFTMA is a bit of a mouthful

Soundgarden: 2/10. Sound does not grow in the garden

Sonic Youth: 5/10. They’re not exactly youth anymore but the sonic part checks out

Talking heads: 8/10. There’s more to the band than just a bunch of disembodied heads but the heads do tend to talk

The Cranberries: 0/10. Decent music but I only added them so that the Beatles and Freddie Mercury weren’t the only fruits on this list

The Wiggles: 8/10. They do tend to wiggle a lot

Blue Man Group: 10/10. Yep!

Weezer: 5/10. They all look like they definitely have asthma

Limp Bizkit: 3/10. While the visual image of baked goods playing the guitar is hilarious, Fred durst is not a biscuit. Points added because he probably has erectile dysfunction

Stone Temple Pilots: 0/10. None of these people are accredited as being licensed to pilot anything, much less an entire stone temple. Stone temples don’t need pilots anyways

Wasted Youth: 8/10. I guess it really kinda depends on how you frame it but yeah, they probably wasted a lot of it

Them Crooked Vultures: 3/10. These are people and not birds but Dave Grohl’s posture is kinda bad and John Paul Jones is so old that his neck kinda looks like a vulture’s so I added some points

Audioslave: 0/10. Slavery is illegal

Traveling Wilburys: 4/10. Sure, they traveled a lot but not a single one of those lying bastards was named Wilbury

D12: 6/12. There were only 6 people in this band

NWA: 10/10. I’m a little too white to safely comment on this one but I’d say they nailed it

Jet: 1/10. A real jet would be way too loud

Goldfinger: 0/10. Not a single person in this band has a finger made out of gold

No Doubt: ?/10. I can’t really be too sure how Gwen Stefani felt but I think it’s probably a safe assumption that she had some doubts

The White Stripes: 3/10. I bet if you stripped them down naked and made them stand shoulder to shoulder and squinted really hard they’d probably look more like white stripes

Screaming trees: 3/10. They scream occasionally

Garbage: 2/10. I think they’re being a little harsh on themselves, their music isn’t THAT bad

Butthole Surfers: 5/10. Not even gonna touch this one

Megadeth: 3/10. To be fair, some of the former members are dead but only a little amount of death, not mega death

Dead Kennedys: 2/10. Last I checked Kennedy was still dead but neither he nor his clones are members of this band

Cake: 0/10. The cake is a lie

Cracker: 8/10. Most of them are

Tool: 7/10. I don’t know much about their music but they sure look like tools

Counting Crows: ?/10. Is this what emo kids do instead of counting sheep? Accuracy depends on whatever bird they happen to be counting at the moment

Dave Matthews Band: 10/10. It certainly is

Oasis: 1/10. Their music is the opposite of an oasis

Blur: 2/10. They are not that fast

Barenaked Ladies: 0/10. If I wanted to be this disappointed I’d reestablish a connection with my biological father instead

Meat Puppets: 10/10. Technically, aren’t we all?

Live: 8/10. Apparently they still do live shows but I deducted some points because I’ve only ever heard their music on Spotify

ABBA: 9/10. I’m still not giving any points to Guns N’ Roses but that’s mostly out of spite

5 Finger Death Punch: 8/10 I guess it probably depends on how hard you hit them but this seems to be the usual amount of fingers to punch somebody with

All American Rejects: 9/10. They’re all rejects from America so I don’t really see any issue with this

T. Rex: 0/10. Even if any of these people WAS a T. Rex I don’t think their arms would be long enough to play their instruments

Free: 0/10. Unless you steal their music, in which case it becomes a 10/10

The Strokes: 3/10. To my knowledge, none of them have had a stroke but I still added a few points because the name was probably accurate for other reasons

The Smashing Pumpkins ?/10. Another thing I have no way of verifying but this seems like a waste of perfectly good pumpkins

Therapy?: ?/10. The hell are they asking me for? I don’t know their medical history

Twenty One Pilots. 0/10. There’s only two of them and neither is a licensed pilot

Finger Eleven: 0/10. Leave the poor Stranger Things girl out of this

Fall Out Boy: 9/10. I conferred with an expert on this one who confirmed that they are in fact boys who had a falling out

Cream: 8/10. Considering this was the OG supergroup I’m sure a lot of people did in fact cream when their music came out

Edit: humans aren’t fucking monkeys. Stop saying we are

[ianblogs4]

Hear my random thought, imagine that the PIDW fandom actually start noticing the weirdo called Peerless Cucumber and they find his comments absolutely hilarious, like “this dude is crazy but hes damn funny too” and they just start teasing him with things like “what are you, Luo Binghe’s wife to defend him like this?” until someone actually makes a full 20.000 word fanfiction about peerless cucumber dying and reincarnating in PIDW and ending up rizzing up Luo Binghe, convincing him to leave his harem for him and they marry and live happily ever after and everyone finds this EVEN MORE HILARIOUS and more people start writing fanfic about it.

Before PIDW ends, the ship tag is one of the top 5 of the fandom in ao3 and they have tons of fanart and even an animation video on youtube that has hundreds of thousands of views and obviously airplane had seen it, and he found it hilarious too.

So when he finished PIDW he made some specials and he decided to be the funniest man ever and write one where peerless cucumber died and reincarnated in a male demon whom happened to be working close to Luo Binghe, and that was the first and last gay chapter of PIDW.

The fandom EXPLODED when they read this and the ship tag quickly became number 1 on the fandom in ao3, fanfiction.net, wattpad and tumblr.

Sadly, peerless cucumber stopped his activities on social media as soon as the final chapter of PIDW dropped, wonder what happened to that guy...

--------------------

it is currently 3am, no one can judge me for this thanks goodbye

[myballzitch]

MY WIFEEEE THATS MY WIFEEE MY WIFE!!!!!!!!!!

If I say canary oak will I get pushed down a flight of stairs </3 /silly

man i sure do wonder who sent this.... /nm

i love drawing canary hehe

[goddamnshinyrock]

The scene: new year’s morning, 8am, my wife and I wake up at my parents’ house after a night of revelry (playing board games until 10pm).

There is one minor problem this morning: no running water. This is a mysterious state of affairs, as 1) the power is still on and 2) there was running water the previous night. We brush our teeth with emergency bottled water as my father, extremely disgruntled by the lack of his usual morning shower, goes out to tinker with the well pump.

Shortly, my father comes back in, triumphant: good news, he’s fixed it, there was a wire with worn insulation on the pump and he snipped the worn end and re-attached it. There is water! Peace is restored.

15 minutes later, as we’re eating breakfast: no more water.

No problem, my father has a fresh theory as to the culprit: the new water filter/softener. My mother suggests they call the guy* who replaced their filter unit only six months ago, and pulls out her massive binder of household records to look for his number. My father** insists that he wants to “just take a look at it” first, since he’s “pretty sure” he knows what might be wrong with it. He vanishes into the basement.

There are a few minutes of minor swearing and banging noises as the rest of us discuss the situation upstairs, but the conversation is interrupted by a sudden FWOOOOOOSH from below us, as if someone has just turned on a fire hose in the basement. We all leap up and clatter down the steps, to be met with the sight of my father, soaked and defeated, standing in the middle of the room and staring at the geyser issuing from the general vicinity of the hot water heater and holding a small metal pin.

After a about 20 seconds, the roar of the geyser began to taper off and my father was able to explain, damply, the events that had lead to ‘basement geyser’. First, he’d determined the problem was indeed the new filter, and had (logically) begun trying to engineer a temporary fix by re-routing the house water supply to bypass it. He had accordingly turned off the valve leading from the well pump into the filter, and then went to open the valve that exited the filter to drain the unit. The filter valve was held shut by a twist cap with a pin. He pulled the pin, but didn’t get so far as twisting open the cap, because it had already shot across the room under the pressure of all the water currently in the house draining at once. Into his face. And thence onto the basement floor.

But, on the bright side he did solve the new year’s day water mystery, and even got his morning shower after all.

—

*Their Filter Guy is not a plumber. He was described as “the water filter whisperer”, a title which, after this incident, I am extremely skeptical of.

**Also not a plumber.

[sunaily]

Doing the “don’t smile and I’ll give you head” trend on haikyuu men 😼

This is for you queen / king 👉🏼 @kurroomii sorry it took so long, I just finished my finals

WARNING! Suggestive and Sexual content! all are adults in this (and you guys are married or in a relationship) and mention of dead ancestors/relatives and pets (?)

Immediately locks in once he receives the note. stone-faced, don’t even try to make him smile you will not win over his dead body! he took it so seriously you were concerned.

(pretend this is you giving him the note) 💁🏻‍♀️📝

“ what’s this hun?” *slowly reads the note* “🗿”

“if you don’t smile, I’ll give you head 😘 “

“🗿”

“okay babe you win, you can stop now…”

“🗿”

“babe?”

“🗿”

“babe I swear you will be getting that head you can smile now…”

“🗿”

“……..”

-Mattsukawa, Osamu, SUNA (even if he smiles he will still be getting that head), KUROO (he gets down, he don’t play!) IWAIZUMI, Hoshiumi, Daichi, Kai

This man can’t keep a straight face on to save a life BUT he is determined to get that gawk gawk 3000 from you 😼 so what does he do? he starts thinking about his pet that passed away years ago when he was 5 and his great great grandfather that died 3 months before he was born…

“y’know, I had a pet goldfish named Goldie the goldfish back then, he died when I was 5….I miss him very much”

“a-are you seriously thinking about your dead goldfish from 20 years ago just so you can get head? 😟 ” (pretend yall are 25)

“and my great great grandfather passed away 3 months before I was born 😢 …”

“ baby why are you acting head deprived??? I give you head everynight!”

“😮‍💨 I miss them so much!”

“you cannot be serious right now…”

- BOKUTO (I was thinking of him while writing this), Hinata (I HAVE NEVER EVER SEEN THIS MAN NOT SMILE) LEV, NISHINOYA, Hirugami, Fukunaga, TENDOU, Goshiki (and if I tell u he cried then what?)

IMMEDIATELY FAILS, He was caught off guard okay?! give him a chance 😔demands another try because he wasn’t ready 🙄 (no you only get 1 try so no head for you…better luck next time!)

“ 😌oh shit- BABE I WAS NOT READY😩!”

“NOPE YOU SMILED GAME OVER! HAHAHAHAH NO HEAD FOR YOU 😛”

“No! that’s unfair give me another chanceeee 😩😥 this time I’ll be ready I swear!”

“the point of this “game” is to be caught off guard babe…just accept defeat and better luck next time 😘”

- ATSUMU (my number 1 inspiration) NISHINOYA (who wouldn’t smile at the thought of your wife giving you head?) Tanaka, OIKAWA (he can never win in this house) HOSHIUMI, SUGAWARA, Yamamoto, futakuchi, TERUSHIMA.

Smiled at first but once he received the note best believe he turned that smile upside down (no like seriously he went from this 🙂 to this ☹️!)

“baby you can’t smile”

“do I look like i’m smiling? ☹️”

“BABY YOU LITERALLY SMILED”

“NO I DIDN’T! I ONLY SMILED BECAUSE I SAW YOU! I stopped smiling after I read the note okay?!!! ☹️☹️☹️”

“yknow what fine….”

“does this mean I can get the sloppy toppy now? ☹️”

“……”

- AKAASHI (idc what yall say my man is silly okay?! he is not a nonchalant baddie 😩) YAMAGUCHI, Asahi, Semi, Ennoshita, Hanamaki, MATSUKAWA, ARAN

Wins the trend effortlessly, my stone-faced expressionless baddies with only 1 permanent facial expression…😐 he is so used to your shenanigans at this point. He is confused but he still wants to make you happy….after all, you are his other half

“ ‘Do not smile if you want me to give you the 3 s tonight 🤭’ my love what is this??? what does 3 s stands for??”

“slurp, suck and swallow 😝”

“………I do not know what to do with you sometimes….”

- Ushijimao, Tsukishima, Kenma, SHIRABU (idk if Kita should be added but for the sake of favoritism and free will I will add him) Kita, AONE, Kageyama, Kunimi, SAKUSA

Ps Ik some of these are not accurate please forgive me lol

[revolutionsingingintherainnn]

that type of dad .𖥔 ݁ ˖ ✦ ‧₊˚ ⋅

Summary: sometimes, dads just aren't present enough. y/n would rather kill lando than let him become that kind of dad.

˙ᵕ˙ ln x reader ꨄ︎

˙ᵕ˙ flulff ꨄ︎

masterlist ☾☼

the plane shuddered as they boarded, economy seats seeming just a tad too intimate after the first class lounge. y/n settled into the window seat, lando clumsily into the middle, a dad already outstretched in the aisle seat. across the thin gulf, a mom was attempting to calm two toddlers, a battle she was very much losing.

y/n sat by, watching it play out. one of the toddlers wanted a treat, the other a toy. both demanded mother's attention, pronto. meanwhile, the father snored on, a travel pillow draped round his neck.

"seriously?" y/n murmured under her breath to lando rather than to herself. "what an asshole."

lando, eyes wide with watchfulness, nodded.

as soon as the plane departed, the chorus of baby screams ensued. one yelled because his brother stole his blanket. the other bawled because he was supposed to have the window seat. the mother attempted to manage with snacks, toys, and pacifiers but to no avail. the father, bless him, slept undisturbed, now watching a film on his tablet.

y/n's muttering grew into full-fledged rant. "i swear, if we ever get kids, i am never letting you be that guy. never. one kid, one parent. that's the rule. no exceptions."

lando, who was imagining miniature versions of y/n and himself, just blinked. "yes, dear," he said quietly, a goofy smile spreading across his face.

the flight kept going, and so did the toddler chaos. one required a diaper change, the other became instantly hungry. the mom, frazzled, attempted to make her way through the miniature airplane restroom with a wiggling toddler clutched in her arms. the dad? he was now munching on a huge bag of chips, completely unaware of the chaos that was erupting around him.

y/n was seething. "i mean, come on! how can he just sit there? does he not hear the screaming? does he not see his wife struggling? if i didn't know better, i'd think he was a cardboard cutout of a dad."

lando, now picturing y/n as a mother, a small human between them, simply nodded again. "yes, dear," he echoed, his eyes twinkling.

y/n continued ranting the remainder of the flight. "and don't even get me started on sleeping arrangements. if we have two children, one sleeps with me, one sleeps with you. no discussion. i am not handling two toddlers alone. no way."

lando, lost in a daydream of y/n, a warm house, and two small ones, simply smiled. "yes, dear," he breathed, his heart full.

as the plane touched down, the mom was tired but relieved. the dad, well-rested and well-fed, stretched and took his bag. y/n glared at him as they disembarked.

"i mean it, lando," she told him, as they strode through the airport. "if you ever behave like that guy, i'm gone. i swear it."

lando, who was starting to plot their wedding in his mind, nodded simply. "yes, dear," he replied, holding out his hand to her. "i promise."

y/n rolled her eyes, but couldn't help grinning. she knew he'd never be that type of dad. but it felt good to complain, to just get it all out. and lando? he didn't care. he was too busy being joyful that she was already making plans for their future, their kids. even if it meant a lot of "yes, dears" and an official split of childcare responsibilities. he could deal with that. he was a formula 1 driver, for crying out loud. pressure was his middle name. and y/n? she was his everything. even when she was yelling about bad dads on planes. especially then.

☾⋆｡𖦹 °✩⋆

yes, i know i was supposed to add y/n and lando helping the mom, but i forgot about it until after i wrote it. sorry. anyways, dee, this is for you. i hope you enjoy this! this is my prompt list, so y'all can select a number, give me a driver and i will write it as soon as possible! i also have a google form for a taglist if anyone's interested! you can sent in your requests here :)

taglist: @maketheshadowsfearyou ; @anamiad00msday ; @imlonelydontsendhelp ; @peterholland04 ; @justaf1girl ; @greantii ; @nocturnalherb16 ; @phobiccneel ; @winkev1 ; @alexxavicry ; @hiireadstuff ; @opastries81

i'd love your support! https://ko-fi.com/kavi2305