#TO YOUR MUTUALS /J ...

[kimsmingyu]

VERNON + blue / green

for j @vcrnons , from your carat secret santa 💙💚🎄

[bungouchronicles]

Fave/Blorbo tag game

I wanna see if I can successfully start a tag game so here's the rules yay :3 :

☆ Reblog this with two pictures

☆ The first picture being of your first ever favorite character/blorbo

☆ The second picture being of your current favorite character/blorbo

☆ Tag some people!! (Preferably at least five)

Spider-man (SPIDER-MAN 1994)

Osamu Dazai (Bungou stray dogs)

Taglist: (no pressure ofc :D)

@theproblemcallednight @caffeiiine @im-a-chunky-potato @flowerofbuffoonery @creatorbiaze @teddymochi @squidsandthings + all the moots I didn't tag (sorry) and anyone else who wants to join!! :3

[growling]

I don't really relate to many other autistic people on tumblr since everything that they are writing about it is their experiences as high-masking, low (or even just no) support needs, former gifted kid, whose science related special interest got them a stable job, 3 weed smoking girlfriends and a dozen friends and just advising everyone that they need to push themselves and if they can do something then everyone can, if they can't then they are either coddling themselves staying in their comfort zone etc.

I can somewhat relate more to the other semiverbal and msn people in the tags but there's also just way fewer posts about it here. Majority of the time I see some another popular 1k notes posts about the Universal Autistic Experience I just go huh. Cause I don't do that or can't and then everyone is saying that that's the standard for all autistics and non-autistic people on tumblr now think that that's how all autistics are and that's it and aauuauauaaaauughgghghgggghhhhhhhrr.

Ok now my turn to talk about my experiences with being autistic and especially things that I don't hear other autistics talk about much or say are "harmful stereotypes" or "exaggerations" or "no autistic people act like that!!" or whatever the fuck it's so annoying. Also I'm just talking about me here so if your experience is different or you can't relate to this then just go make your own post

Can't fucking talk like 80% of the time. Not because I'm nervous/anxious but just cause it's hard for me and I don't even want to do it. I hate conversations cause I just want to answer with the fewest words possible or just simple short things like "ok" and "no" (I usually respond with "ok" to 99% of all things), I say things real quiet and often mumble cause I don't open my mouth enough and when someone asks me what I said I don't want to repeat cause I'm too frustrated then. People say my tone is off or I sound rude or "yell" (even though I'm being so quiet. because apparently "yelling" is synonymous with "say things in rude tone") so I purposefully make myself speak even softer than I usually do, but I also can't whisper that's also hard. When I do actually want to say more things I am unable to because I don't know how to translate thoughts into words and I stutter a LOT the more I try to say, I did look up what counts as severe stutter and yeah I would consider that very severe. And I stutter in the "stereotypical" and "inaccurate" way that I saw literal entire posts on here about how nobody stutters like that, how it only happens in bad fanfiction, and how annoying it is for people to act like there's real people speaking like that when I do literally fucking s-s-s-s-spea-pea-pea-k-k-k l-l-li-li-li-like-like-like-k-k th-th-th-th-this-s-s. Anybody that follows me for a longer time knows that I have SO much to say at any given time but outside of online spaces where I can just type things instead of using verbal words I can't speak normally even if I want to. How I answer to people isn't half the time the actual thing I mean, it's just me using shortest words to be done with the conversation the fastest even if I do like the subject, or do want to say something or continue it but it's like my mind turns off and my mouth just starts saying things on its own and once I walk away only then sort of snap back to being a person and think "why did I say that I don't even talk like that" which miiiight also be partially influenced by all the suspected dissociative disorder stuff but I'm not gonna think about it that hard.

Writing is hard too. Usually it's easier than verbal words (cause I can take as much time as I want and don't have to open my mouth), keyboard is way more easier than writing with a pen because I don't have to draw every single individual letter, just hit buttons really fast. I can't really structure my sentences right away, but gotta pause and think what words is the correct order or how to translate my thoughts into written words many times before I'm done writing, or else it will be incomprehensible. Correcting and being so careful with the way I write every time tires me a lot and makes me nervous, so I often take a Really long time whereas other people don't really have much of a problem with it. Though slowly I do think I wanna just stop caring and just write the way it's the fastest/most comfortable for me and only correct if it's genuinely impossible to read but it's gonna take some more time. Writing this post is. Also a pain in the ass

I don't remember exactly how I was as a kid (the Forgetterrr) but while I was still autistic as hell it was significantly milder and I could easily pass as a neurotypical (except for when I didn't), my symptoms and skills actually got worse the older I was getting and they are still just slowly declining more. I can't go outside by myself anymore, (last time I did was when I was around like 12-13 and I ran back crying because the store was closed and I was so scared of all the people around) even to throw out the trash just a few steps from the door I will not go. Whenever I do actually leave my apartment it's always with my mom or some other relative, I just follow behind her and not pay attention to any of my surroundings like the cars, with street it is, or where I am or how to find my way back. I can't take any public transport by myself. I can't navigate large spaces by myself and always need to be led everywhere and instructed exactly what to do despite being an adult. Can't buy things for myself (especially not clothes, food I feel I could theoretically, maybe do if I had a complete list, a calculator, and unlimited amount of time to walk around and find things and take breaks, but clothes?? nuh uh I'm looking at the shirts blinking a bit then wandering away not even touching anything) or talk to the store employees, can't make appointments or talk to doctors, I don't manage my money (I do have a few thousands in cash only that only accumulated so much because I got them all in several years and did not have anything to spend it on so I just didn't and I still don't) and if I was forced to then I don't think I could even do it because it sounds too complicated.

Sensory stuff doesn't just make me mildy irritable, I can't stand it. If clothes are a bad texture then I won't wear it and if the weather's so bad that I have to then I start crying. I have misophonia mainly bad with eating/chewing sounds, I cannot eat with other people, I just always go to my room or anywhere else if that's not available even if it's somewhere uncomfortable like a bed or a bathroom I can't eat at the table or be around people that are eating. Sometimes I wear headphones with really loud music on when I can't escape it (like in the car, but I do want to start wearing them out in public too). My younger brother knows that mouth smacking noises make me panic so he often comes up to me and starts making them so I will scream because he finds it funny when I'm stressed

What are clothes even. I can never dress for the occassion, maybe I could look outside the window and just copy what people are wearing if it's cold or warm etc but didn't do that yet. Putting on socks takes a long time (but worry not I have a System), I hate wearing multiple layers of shirts and will do anything to not have to do that, though usually I'm forced to cause it's too cold and I'm gonna pull and smack it the entire time if not just start growling and crying through it. I get it because it's "cold" out or whatever but also I don't really. If it inconvenieces me or makes me feel bad then I won't listen to reason or explaining why I have to I'm too busy being pissed and thinking about something else to care or really actually get it. I wore a bra outside as a teen for not more than like 2 years and I think you can guess why my mother eventually just gave up at trying to get me to put it on after a point. Putting on clothes at all is tiring and boring and tedious in general which is why I hate autumn and winter because that's where I have to get the most. I go multiple days sometimes weeks wearing the same things because of that.

Maintaining hygiene sucks especially showering. I only do it about once a week or two (if nobody explicitly tells me to) and it sucks. Two good things about showers is that one, the hot water is nice on my skin (even if mother complains that I get it so warm that it steams over all the mirrors and walls) and two I guess I'm clean now so that's nice. I think I would straight up explode if I stood for the whole duration of it like majority of people do, I just sit on the floor and use the shower hose like that cause why not why don't other people do that. It takes me like, half an our of maybe more because showering sucks. I'm too distracted with pouring water on myself that I forget my objective or my brain just turns off and I gotta remember what the hell I'm doing. I do an okay job with the hair but I have no idea how to scrub my skin in a way so it won't hurt so I'm just stuck with permanent dirt stains all over

Bad at empathy, social things and with understanding things and not in a Quirky way. I don't get most things people are saying and I need stuff clarified, or repeated in simpler words, many times sometimes if needed, I don't get or care about people's emotions and won't comfort them if they're sad I'll just get away from them because it makes me stressed. Bad things happen and I'm excited as long as it doesn't affect me because I find it entertaining especially if it's something new that I never heard of before. I can't pick up on subtle hints and won't try and make an effort to blend in or get involved, I'll just walk away, if someone is uncomfortable with something I'm doing or acting like then no matter how "obvious" they try and make it, I will not do or change anything unless they explicitly tell me exactly what's wrong or what I have to do. Can't follow "abstract" instructions, I can only do things where it's the most comprehensive detailed and explicitly laid out thing ever and even then I will ask questions cause I forget. If someone instructs me to do something and it's too long or they didn't explain every single possible step I will not do it, or if I do understand it, if it's too long then I'll forget it and won't do it. Need things like slightly more advanced math broken down to me very slowly and gradually like you're teaching a small child in very simple easy to understand way so I can do it, and I'll forget it all later anyway. I don't do facial expressions aside from a sort of grimace when I get very happy/something makes me laugh or when I'm crying. I don't understand most complicated concepts (unless it's something related to my special interests, but even then I just have a willingness to learn and idk if I'll actually learn) like politics and related stances, I do have my own beliefs but I can't really explain them further than just writing them out, and it's pretty surface level. Idk how to "mask" I don't know if I'm doing it and how I would do it and I don't think I care.

I think about my special interests and hyperfixations all the time. Not an exaggeration not a hyperbole I always think about my special interests and hyperfixations every second of my life. I get stressed if I'm forced to care or think about anything else other than them. Also I got permanent music playing in my brain 24/7 so even if I didn't think about the former things it's near impossible to really focus on stuff that like involves lots of thinking and remembering. My special interests don't make me "smart" or a savant either.

I can't just easily cope with my symptoms. I can't "will it away" or "trick" it or "just self-accomodate" for all or even most of what comes with my autism I need help so I can be comfortable and not get seriously sick or die. One more condescending "universal autism advice" post I will resort to extreme violence

The autism "community" on tumblr is very exclusive and only centered on certain LSN autistics, every post is just written by and for LSN autistics and treating them as the only autistics that matter or are worth including, just straight up treating people like me like they don't exist, are "stereotypes", or too embarrassing for them to acknowledge. Everybody keeps saying "it's a spectrum" but nobody means it. People here straight up jump at and bully each other for acting too autistic for some fucking reason. We're never getting out of the torment nexus aren't we

[eggsnatcheskneecaps]

[your-fave-is-being-blended]

sunny from omori!!!!

Sunny from Omori is being blended!!

You cannot save him.

[cupcakewebkinz]

hypothethically

If one were to draw fruitcake rainyday style

What do you think they would wear

Hypothetically

Not

Not a sign from the universe just hypothetical

I highly imagine Sprout wearing like, pinks and reds and such, because he's stupid and he doesn't know he looks nice in other colors (we love him tho) and obviously he'd have his scarf on... When the hell doesn't he have his scarf on fr? He'd be really simply dressed too, but he's happy to be a simply styled guy. In pink. The coolest guys wear pink tho fr

Cosmo- he's a pastel mess, he's wearing all sorts of pastel colors and looking like a little sweet bean. I highly imagine Shelly making him a pastel raincoat with star shaped pockets, he's just a cutie patootie. He totally would be one of those people with clear umbrellas too, but Sprout steals it a lot pfft (Cosmo is fine with it, he likes letting Sprout borrow his things :])

I don't think about these two often nooooooo what do you meannnnn? /silly

It's all totally hypothetical in this chat, so hypothetical, very much so. Nothing going on here, just hypothetical chats. Totally. :]

[elizakai]

please be kind and merciful

to you? never.

[viiviidlights]

Brb thinking about the inherent tragedies of immortality again...

Cursed to never die while everyone around you that you've ever loved falls victim to the passage of time.

You leave for what you perceive as only a short amount of time since everything has become "short" to you with how long you've been alive. You come back and everything is foreign, new, different. No one you knew is still there. Only descendants of descendants of descendants, if their entire bloodline wasn't wiped out.

It must be lonely.

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

the thing is that actually the literal only solution to anxiety wrt uncertainty in social situations (sorry in advance if this sounds obvious to anyone who didn't spend many years Totally Insane About This And Related Topics Above All Else, Which Is Saying A Lot Because I Can Be Pretty Crazy About Some Other Shit Too) is in fact just that you have to have your own set of principles and you have to live by them and you have to decide as one of those principles that if those principles aren't enough for other people either those people are not compatible with you or they are but maybe you gotta have an uncomfortable convo first, which is unpleasant but actually means they are cool and well adjusted and also that they like you enough to initiate an uncomfortable convo. like it actually cannot be about other people at all, it has to be about trusting your own beliefs and judgment and capacity to survive a situation in which you and someone else disagree about your conduct. and like i know that. BUT IT'S HARRRRRRRRRD.

[moldypoff]

Seeing my myoots go “THIS IS SO CUTE!!!” And I’m like

Yess, YESS… you ARE SO CUTE, nyehehehehehehehe……….

[kalied0skull]

Have you been happy recently?

https://www.tumblr.com/stewdoesthings/785297862316752896/and-the-final-touch-dad-said-while-digging?source=share

well i WAS but thanks for making me MISERABLE i guess /jokinglymad

[ambagel]

if it makes you feel any better-

lil sneak peek into my own 🫡

(NOT ALL OF THEM ARE TWST THERE’S LIKE 17748282 DIFFERENT FANDOMS + RANDOM POSTS IN THERE)

HVNDNABFBQKDK it's not fair that so many people are good at art 😭 (and like. posting in general)

[skymagpie]

Arcane fans or as I'd like to say the 0 media literacy club

[littlelav107]

when i am giggly and flustered around people this does NOT mean i want a romantic relationship with them. nor do i want to be bound by the limits of what is "appropriate" for "just friends"

no no, there is no "just friends" in this household, when i fantasize about you i think of a cold windy december where i don't need an excuse to hug you and lean my head on your shoulder while we converse about a topic i don't know much about

break the relationship hierarchy with me?

[medys-space]

Drawing Request Time!!

okay so, there is this new style that i really want to practice to experiment and get used to it a bit

so i ask if to send any character from any fandom that i know or ocs (i promise nothing + i will take my time too)

[horriblehistorieslandfill]

Last night dreamt about pancakes being floppy and motherfucking RICHARD THE III WAS THERE ????