#The worst thing is that the inbox is chronological

[bonefall]

Is it legal for us to submit Clanmew-related questions on days other than the thirtieth? I understand that in your recent ask etiquette post you stated that answers are PUBLISHED then, but is it okay for us to send in asks on other days of the month?

Yeah that's fine! Happens a lot actually.

[sansaorgana]

Hello love! I simply adore your writing and I was wondering if I could get a Gale Cleven x reader who's dealing with infertility? Probably something angsty? If not, that's totally fine. I'm just having a bit of a rough day :/

hi, sweetheart! 🥺 I'm sorry that you're having a rough day... I am trying to write these stories chronologically but I decided to write this one today so you don't have to wait too long 😊 btw I know that we treat Buck as a fictional character here but as far as I am concerned, real Buck Cleven never had children – at least I've never seen them mentioned anywhere like Bucky's daughters or Crosby's kids 🤔

my inbox is open for blurb/short fic requests for major cleven 🤗

You didn’t want to go there at all but you knew that you should leave the house finally for your own mental health. Buck was looking worried about you, too, and you wanted to show him that you were slowly getting better after your last miscarriage. But the truth was that some part of you was dying with each one of them.

For the first time it had been sad but not devastating yet – it was common to happen after all. Second time had started to make you worry. Third and fourth had only been a confirmation of your fear – you wouldn’t give your husband a child and you wouldn’t become a mother unless someone comes up with a magical cure.

Your best friend Eva was the only person who had known about it and she was as worried as Buck was. When one of your and Eva’s friends, Nancy, had decided to throw a tea party, Eva insisted on taking you there. So you dressed up and let her take you in her car as Buck watched from the window with a faint smile.

Eva was an independent woman. After her husband’s death in the war she decided not to marry again. She got her own car and managed most things on her own. She was a wild and free spirit and she never wanted to have children so as much as you appreciated her effort to help you – you knew that she would never fully understand your struggle.

The tea party took place at Nancy’s house. There were a few other women and you all sat by the table and sipped on the warm beverage from the china set Nancy had gotten for her wedding. She looked excited and her eyes were sparkling all the time as she was smiling widely. Eventually, you found out the reason behind that.

“So, I wanted you all to come here because… Because I have something to tell you, girls,” she giggled and all the women looked at her, curiously.

You felt a knot forming in your stomach. You already felt what it was.

“I’m pregnant!” She announced and everyone cheered. You did too, forcing a smile. Eva’s hand found yours under the table and squeezed yours to show you a silent support.

You felt tears forming in the corners of your eyes. You got angry at Eva for convincing you to come here but it wasn’t her fault after all, she couldn’t know… You looked around and realised that all other women in the room had children already or were pregnant. Except for you and Eva but she didn’t count since she didn’t want to become a mother anyway.

But the worst hadn’t happened yet.

“Now it’s (Y/N)’s turn,” Nancy smiled at you and you put the cup down with a shaky hand.

“Stop pushing her,” Eva reacted immediately.

“Don’t be like this, Eva. You hope she will never be a mother so you won’t be alone in this,” Nancy’s sister, Hannah, snapped at her.

“We don’t really think about having children, Buck and I,” you smiled nervously and the women looked at each other.

“My husband didn’t want them either but I convinced him,” Janis grinned at you, thinking that her words were in any way helpful.

“We just don’t…” you started and your voice broke. Eva jumped in the conversation quickly.

“Stop pushing her!” She insisted angrily.

“I’m only saying, he can wait but she cannot,” Nancy shrugged her arms.

You didn’t want to make a scene and leave after that so you only pretended to be more interested with the piece of cake on your plate although swallowing it was extremely difficult with a gulp in your throat. You waited about half an hour before nodding at Eva discreetly.

“It’s time for us,” she stood up and grabbed her purse. “I promised Buck to take her back home by eight.”

“These officers, they are all about discipline,” you chuckled while excusing yourself and picked your purse up as well. “Can’t have my Major waiting too long.”

You left the house as fast as possible and waited for Eva by her car.

“I’m sorry, darling,” she told you when she finally joined you. “I had no idea.”

“Let’s not… Let’s not talk about it, alright?” You sniffed back the tears and she nodded, furrowing her eyebrows at you but respecting your wish to stay silent.

In fact, you both remained silent for the whole ride home and she only kissed your cheek when she parked by your lawn and you jumped out of the car to go back inside and hide from the world.

Buck was in the living room, crouching down next to the TV set with a screwdriver in his hand as he worked on some adjustments. You smiled through the tears and leaned on the wall, shyly.

“You’re back already?” He mumbled without looking up.

“Yeah, it was no fun,” you answered. “What are you on about again, Buck?”

“The signal keeps being bad, I can fix that, I think,” he explained.

“Just don’t hurt yourself and, most importantly, don’t break the TV,” you sighed, trying to be in a playful and teasing mood but it was difficult, especially while seeing him – the man you loved… whom you couldn’t give a child.

You burst into tears all of sudden and Buck looked up, worryingly.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” He put the screwdriver down and approached you as quickly as possible to put his hands on your shoulders.

“Nancy… She… She’s pregnant,” you told him and he sighed before pulling you closer and pressing your face to his chest.

“I’m sorry, darling…” He rubbed your back, not knowing what to say.

“And she asked about us not having a baby of our own…” You tugged on his shirt.

“That is none of that woman’s business why we don’t have a baby of our own,” you heard Buck’s voice getting more stern and angry.

“I know… I told her we don’t want babies… I didn’t know what else to say…” You explained.

“It’s alright,” he shushed you and kissed the top of your head.

“No, it’s not…” You looked up with your wet eyes and makeup running down your face. You could see the pain on his face from witnessing you this way and you hated to bring him sadness, too, but you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. “She said you have time but I am running out of it.”

Buck’s jaw clenched at the words. He hated when anyone was hurting you either with words or actions – no matter if it was a man or woman.

“Nancy’s never been a bright girl, you know that, baby?” He cupped your wet cheeks and leaned in closer to your face. You nodded, unsurely. “Girls like her only care about keeping a husband at home and showing off in town.”

“But I care about keeping a husband, too,” you gasped.

Buck sighed and shook his head, looking for the right words.

“Come here, baby,” he lowered his hands to hold yours as he led you on the sofa and sat you on his lap. You threw your arms around his neck and he pulled you closer by your hip and thigh. “How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, that you’re all I want? Only you,” he pecked your lips softly. “You make me the happiest already. Having a baby with you would be only an addition, it’s already perfect the way it is. If we have a baby, I’ll be happy. But if we don’t, I’ll be just as much satisfied,” he explained to you. “And I won’t let anyone say bad things about my beautiful and wonderful wife.”

“Buck…” Your lower lips trembled. “It brings me comfort to know you don’t really care about it but…”

“It’s not that I don’t care. Don’t say that,” he interrupted you. “I care.”

“I know, I’m sorry… But I want this baby. I want to have a baby with you more than anything in the world. I am glad you’ll be as happy without it but I don’t think I will be…” You looked down, ashamed of your confession.

Buck stayed silent for a while, caressing you and keeping you close as he rested his chin on your head and sighed.

“I know, my sweet girl, you just want a baby to love and take care of, right?”

“Yes…” You nodded. “And… And I hate how jealous I get when I see other women with babies or being pregnant. It brings the worst out of me and I don’t like this version of me.”

“Shh, hey, love, there are lots of babies out there who want a mummy to love them and take care of them just as much, you know?” He asked in a soft whisper and you looked up at him.

“What are you suggesting? That we should adopt?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Only if you want to,” he nodded and raised his hand to caress your head gently. “I want you to be happy, darling. That’s all I want, nothing else. I hate to see you so sad all the time,” he confessed and smiled sadly.

“It would be lovely to adopt a baby but I’m scared it won’t be the same… Because I want to have your baby, Gale… Ours,” you fixed yourself.

“You know that I’d do everything to make your dream come true, I really would. But some things… They’re just impossible to happen sometimes, you know that, baby?” Buck kissed your forehead. “We can keep trying and trying but it kills me to see you getting even sadder each time it happens.”

You only hummed to yourself and squeezed him tighter. A decision to adopt a baby couldn’t be made in the heat of the moment, you had to think about it more thoroughly. But your husband had a point. You also hated to make him worried so much about you and the fact that he himself would be as happy without having a child with you was bringing you lots of comfort. It would be way worse if he wanted this baby more than anything else.

“I have to heal after the recent loss first,” you whispered to him after a while, “and then we’ll talk about it again, how about that?”

“Sounds about right,” Buck caressed your cheeks with his thumbs and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your lips.

MASTERLIST || BUCK MASTERLIST

[puppiesandnightlock]

I saw a post of yours that hypothetically combined Batman’s Robins with Six: The Musical and that you do fanfic reviews. So. Here. 12k words of script fic be upon ye. It’s all mine! No beta, we die like… well… you know.

WHOO OKAY

i was genuinely so excited upon receiving this in my inbox, haha. So, starting off! Robins: The Musical is what the above description from @inamindfarfaraway's ask says, this fic is a whole script based from SIX the musical, while still being incredibly original. Let's dive in, shall we?

I listened to the whole thing with the SIX album in the background, matching each song with the lyrics and good Lord I was absolutely enthralled with how each rewritten lyric matched up with the given song. Some required a backtrack so that i could say the new lyric out loud to fit it better with the song, but that was to be expected and once I figured out, it was myself and my dog having an impromptu karaoke session with these new lyrics. The thing that I do have to mention is that while the Robins are in chronological order, the songs are not. For example, Dick has No Way, but Jason's song directly after is a re-imagining of All You Wanna Do. In all fairness, the way the lyrics were written (the fighting noises were a delight to act out instead of the 'mwah, ah,') matched up with Jason's character well. It's more of a personal peeve that the songs weren't in order, despite everything matching up.

Favorite lines and random little tidbits:

Damian's entire version of Sorry Not Sorry. Heart-wrenching. The transition from no remorse to regretting everything, the internal conflict? Gorgeous.

"Since I’ve both won and led two highly eventful lives, it’s only fair that I do another song to explain Jason Todd 2: This Time, It’s Personal. This one is inspired by the moment I learned Bruce hadn’t killed the Joker to avenge me. It’s called “Wearing Red to My Funeral”. Sing along if you know the words. 

Rock ballad intro.

Batman is a MASSIVE - "

3. Duke's group being the band! Wonderful little detail there.

4. Damian: I think you would fail the Turing test. 

Steph: Not now, Dami.

5. Steph's entire part. I love you, Stephanie Brown.

6. DAMIAN, DESPITE NOT HAVING "ALL YOU WANNA DO" HAD HIS OWN VERSION OF THE KATHERINE HOWARD ROAST.

7. Erm. Listen, i know the entire point of the musical is competing over who's trauma is the worst, but damn, reading all of it made me do double-takes sometimes.

8. THE END NOTE: "Katherine Howard 🤝 Damian Wayne: having horrifically high body counts as minors."

9. Tim has Heart of Stone, and while that one is the only song that is pretty much the original, I don't think it leaves much room for editing. Admittedly it's one of the songs I most often skip when listening so i didn't think twice of it.

To sum up, Robins: The Musical was amazingly thought-out, keeping both the heart of the musical and the essence of the characters we love so much. This was an awesome experiance for me to read, thanks so much for sending this in! This is both found in the original ask and here, if that link didn't work.

Guidelines for sending fics in are in my pinned post, if you'd like to send someone's or your own in! Happy Reading! ~Harley

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - April 6

empathy anon (new), sunrise anon, get over anon (new), thoughts anon, tomato anon

empathy anon

hi cas!

i have this friend who is low empathy. he has said it many times and explained it to me and i do get it, but also, sometimes he just idk insults me ig?

he will say i need to change my appearance (jokingly, but he’s still dragging up old insecurities in unpleasant ways), and 90% of the time when i ask for help from him, he says “it’s not that hard” or smth like that. he judges me and says i just need to “try harder”

it’s frustrating. i don’t feel comfortable failing around him, and he is genuinely such a lovely person, but sometimes he makes me feel like shit

i think if i told him it would just go back to the fact that he’s low empathy, but i still feel like thats not an excuse to treat me poorly idk though

Hi!

I think what you said last, about it not being an excuse to treat you poorly, is exactly right. People have different levels of empathy and that's completely fine. Sometimes I have trouble having empathy, too. But that doesn't give anyone the right to say rude things. Low empathy doesn't cause the inability to shut up lol. I think he needs to learn to say "Hey, I'm probably not the right person to talk to about this" rather than saying hurtful things.

Honestly I think you should tell him hes being hurtful and if he continues to be, then you need to take a step back. Empathy aside, friends don't treat friends like that.

Sending love <3

___

Sunrise anon

hiiiii first of all, sunrise anon is a beautiful name and I love it

It’s fine that it took you a bit to respond! I assumed that tumblr ate up my ask so it was nice to know it wasn’t. Strange that it only just appeared in your inbox though lol

I didn’t end up going to any of my classes, I was very emotional for that entire day, literally could not stop crying. It would of been embarrassing but luckily my parents were very understanding about the situation as this was not the first time it has happened. It bad never been that bad though. My worst nights are usually when I get around 1-2 hours so they’re used to dealing with me being pretty sleep deprived.

I do not currently have a set night-time routine but I am working on it. I try get into bed at the same time every night, and then I try go to sleep at the same time every night, it’s not always successful but it’s quite nice to have set chill time yk

Since then I’ve been much better. Actually I’m sleeping really well, I’m not used to it, it’s amazing. Nobody told me sleep could be so restful. I thought that entire thing was a myth. But no! It’s true! What a world we live in

Anyway, thanks Cas! Really appreciate everything you do

Also I love all your microfics, they are often the highlight of my day <3

Hi!

I'm so glad you've been sleeping better lately! Remember that a bedtime routine isn;t just going to bed at a certain time, but having certain things you like to do before bed-- reading, washing your face, listening to music, etc. If you do those things habitually, then on those nights when you don't feel tired, you can try those things to sort of trick your mind into feeling tired.

I hope you continue to sleep well!

____

get over anon

how do I get over someone? It has nearly been a year now…

Hi <3

I think you have to be gentle to yourself. Feelings aren't linear and they can take a lot of time to evolve. Have you tried allowing yourself to feel and exploring those feelings? Journal, draw, sing, things like that, to express those emotions, rather than stifle them, you know?

____

thoughts anon

Hey Cas, I need fic writing advice

It's my first fic (The Cruel Prince au), and a lot of canon facts are changed as I see fit. To the point that people may not like reading it. I've written the prologue and the first two chapters but I'm yet to publish it (on AO3 ofc). I'm uncertain on how to go about this, what tags come in what chronology and what can be classified as a trigger warning. I don't want to be ignorant or disrespectful in any way, and this fic is kind of like my baby so I kind of want to post it but I'm also wary.

-thoughts anon

Hi <3

So I'm very gently going to say that you're overthinking this. You're thinking way too much about your audience and not enough about you. Who cares if certain people don't like reading it? Write it for YOU. As far as tags, again...tag what you want! What do YOU think is important to tag? And for TWs, what did you write about that you have seen warned about in the past? Normally the major ones are SA, death, SH, SI...but you know your writing best.

I know this is your baby and you want it to be perfect, but you can always add and change things as you go <3 Do this for YOU. What would you as a reader want your fic to look like?

You can do this!

____

Tomato anon

Well, hello there! It's tomato anon.

Been a while since we talked. Thought I'd catch you up.

My friend is fine, doing way better. Figured myself out, so that's good. I'm greysexual, and I've changed my pronouns a little bit. Also got myself a boyfriend, if you can believe it.

Life's good, and I'm very thankful for the advice you shared with me.

Hi! I'm so glad things are good, congratulations on the boyfriend!! It makes me so happy to know things are good with you!

Have a good day! <3

[idontwantrobyntodie]

3, 5, 13, and 24 for the reading wrap-up tag :) also bestie 50 books is very impressive for your final year of undergrad

(reading asks) starting the year off right by remembering to check my inbox like a big girl! hi pheobe thank you <3 i’m fairly proud of my fifty-something books (exact counts are hard because I am a chronic rereader). i wanted to keep doing things i enjoyed so i didn’t go completely crazy; a not-insignificant amount of them were children’s or middle grade books, because I wanted to keep things attainable and enjoyable

3. What were your top five books this year? 

In reverse-chronological order of reading:

The Return of the Thief by Megan Whalen Turner (eugenides i love you)

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison (which i finished and immediately flipped over to reread)

White Oleander by Janet Fierch (toxic mother-daughter relationships my beloved)

Fox’s Tongue and Kirrin’s Bone by Allison Kovacs (don’t u love it when a narrator trusts everyone so little that he blatantly withholds information from you)

Piranesi by Susanna Clarke (book that had me reading ten jstor articles about it, for fun)

The Raven Cycle was also amazing but the whole series felt like an Experience, and I don’t think I loved any one volume overmuch

5. What genre did you read the most of?

While I try to read broadly (especially since my title-selection process largely leans “what is cheapest at the used bookstore”) fantasy always is and always will be my first love and a full half of the books I read had a fantastical element. I am a simple creature, I like it when magic

13. What were your least favorite books of the year?

The Changelling by Viktor Lavelle (i think i spelt that wrong) (i’m writing this while i don’t have service so i cannot google it) wasn’t the worst book I read this year but it was definitely my least favourite reading experience and I don’t know why I even finished it. I kept reading another chapter thinking “surely it’ll come back around” and it never did”. I can’t even tell you what it’s about because the biggest issue I had was the way it like?? Switched genres about six times?? 

It started out as a mostly-realistic, really touching portrait of the anxieties and dangers of modern parenting, and ended with a guy who had?? A troll?? Like a troll from scandinavian mythology that he kept in a cave on the family land and fed kidnapped babies to?? And he livestreamed this online in a sort of metaphor for internet trolls and a cautionary tale against over-posting your kids on facebook? I don’t even know. I felt very confused and betrayed by the end. 

What was probably the WORST book I read this year was The Wrath and the Dawn (which I reviewed here) but I knew going in that it would be bad and so it made a very fun reading experience. 

24. Did you DNF anything? Why?

My only DNF this year was The House of Rust by Kadija Abdalla Bajaber, and it was a very its-not-you-its-me type situation. It’s a fabulist novel about a girl searching for her missing fisherman father, with Kenyan folklore blurred in, and the prose was absolutely beautiful but boy did this take me a good two months to slog through until I finally gave up at like 60%. I think the prose was so rich it sometimes got in the way of the actual storytelling (to the point where I sometimes couldn’t tell what was a literal fantastical happening and what was just a simile or metaphor) and I often just. Had no idea what was happening. I’m sorry House of Rust I wish I could have loved you :( 

[nobodyexpectsthe]

anyway we're explaining writing methodologies today

my replies / asks one is best summed up as 'whatever sparks the highest muse goes first, my time on xyz days is extremely limited but once the rush is done i'm going through in chronological order of what is owed'.

i guess but i'm also gonna explain my approach to ooc communication. i am shy as fuck and talking to new people makes me incredibly nervous which is why if youve ever sent a thanks for following message i have never replied. i get locked in a 'how do i reply to this' mess and then two months have gone by and its weird to say something. even if its just plotting out a new thread. it didn't used to, i used to be way more social, and then i spent some years in a relationship irl that decimated my confidence. so i end up overthinking every little thing i say and usually i'll overthink it to the point where i won't actually say anything, or, worst nightmare, i'll overthink the thing i want to say so much it comes out completely wrong. it's bad, 0/10. don't be with someone who delights in making you feel small, because then you'll apologize for taking up space.

so i am, in general, very cognizant of how much space i take up and very much struggle with the idea that it's too much and i'm being annoying and people are too polite to say so. but that's a me problem & i don't want to put my insecurity on them, so i end up in a weird vibrating stasis. if i feel like i'm overstepping or being too much i'll pull back until i get a sign it's chill and you like my nonsense.

so i'm stressed at nice compliments, stressed at idle chitchat, generally just a big vibes of 'how much of an idiot do i sound right now' which makes for stilted or awkward replies until i get comfortable. and that doesn't go away for a good long while. it's nothing against anyone else and i don't expect people to have the patience to push through that, it's my problem & no one else's to work through. but what it does mean is it's easier for me to jump all over ic stuff and writing once i know how our styles mesh or i get a sense of what you also like from other threads and interactions?

i can and will drop novels into inboxes of people i barely know as a fun icebreaker if i think it's something they'll lie, i'll write lengthy & detailed starters & replies for strangers. i will absolutely sit and agonize in my drafts over things that don't sound just right until do they. i do think a lot about the early replies in an interaction with someone because i don't want someone to feel that it's... unbalanced? that all i'm bringing to the table is my muse's issues, their feelings, their reactions, and i'm not giving them anything to work with for theirs in turn. so that requires a little more fine-tuning and finesse.

and then once i'm more comfortable, i don't even think. i slap the keys and a symphony of words happen.

anyway all of this is to say i talk to like 2 people oocly and i'm trying to get better but oh boy that's hard.

[capegloam]

not all of the asks are from the same person btw

funny how you didn't address this one, that points out your transphobia towards transmasculine people

how you don't see us as actual men

I get that you're non-binary, but there are ways to make yourself comfortable in your body without being a transphobe and a fetishizer

That ask came into my inbox chronologically after the other four, which made it obvious to me that it wasn't from the one person I wanted to address. I thought I made it pretty clear that I don't have an interest in justifying myself to strangers with whom I don't have any kind of prior relationship. I deleted it because people who only want to make the worst of me aren't worth my time. I don't expect I'd ever be able to convince you if you've never been in my heart.

I'm only addressing you now because its a new day and I feel like playing ball with a stranger.

The read that my top scar tattoos were intended to emasculate me is a binary one. That take comes from an explicitly binary perspective—that top scars somehow make you less of a man. I am literally nonbinary—that means I believe there are a thousand ways you can be a "man", and no matter how you look, how you're shaped, how you sound—no matter what, if you say you're a man, I consider you to be a man.

my tattoos don't emasculate me, they underline me. they highlight me. Top scars don't make someone "less than"— they mark a metamorphosis. Thats literally it.

If you paid attention to my previous post, you should know i'm girlboy boygirl transgirl transboy both simultaneously. I am not limited to one box or the other, or a secret Third box, i Am the boxes. I wanted the tattoo because I wanted to feel like I transformed, too. Because I have! I've been putting so much work into loving myself and my body even though its not the right between-ness, and I'm proud of myself!

Y'all also need to relax on the buzz words, because its clear you don't understand what they mean. Trans fetishization is harmful because it dehumanizes, it objectifies. It enables people to justify hurting trans people, because it says they're not even people. My scar tattoos have always humanized me. They shone a light onto MY specific, unique human experience. These tattoos aren't about other trans people, they're about ME!!! I have never felt more seen and understood before in my life!!! I feel like more people than ever are seeing me for who I am inside and it makes me so fucking happy!!! to feel seen!!! If you think they're a fetish thing, its because you've failed to consider my human soul inside my body. And why would you consider it? you've never even met me.

Every person attacking me for the tattoos tries justifying their opinions by making it about themselves, saying THEY felt disgusted, THEY felt disrespected—but the tattoos aren't about THEM. they don't know me, they don't understand me, they don't love me! THAT'S what transphobia looks like—when you don't know or understand a trans person's unique experience and try to say what they can or cannot do to love themselves and their body.

My friend, YOU are the person who is attacking a trans person—who is CELEBRATING!!! I am celebrating myself and my transformation and my LOVE!! and i want every other person on this planet to love themselves the same way I've come to love myself.

Trans joy is eternal and it is BEAUTIFUL. have a lovely day.

[rust-bearer]

OH DAMN, ANOTHER BRAIN MOMENT!! I’ve clogged your inbox enough as it is so from here on out I’m just gonna try to keep it to like… maybe one ask a week LMAO I know your account isn’t exclusively about zombie au stuff. So last one:

I hate to think like this, but… what would happen if one of our precious survivors did end up getting infected? You probably know where I’m going with this, but ohhh shit First Aid’s caretaker instincts and overall fatal drive to support and protect does not benefit him in the long run! At least, not if you go by the black-and-white thinking. I won’t start a whole philosophical debate, so anyway. Let’s say somewhere down the line he gets infected, because…. It’s First Aid, he’d probably try to help someone who they found on the streets who looks “ill” but is actually a zombie in the making and ends up getting bitten, whoops.

There’s definitely a few ways you could go about this. For one, you could be like OH MY GOD IVE BEEN BITTEN *cue zombie transformation*, or you could be like FUCK I’ve been bitten, try to get as far from the house as possible while this awful disease ravages your system within seconds. Or, secret third option, you could do something like the 2017 zombie movie Cargo.

It’s been a while, but if I remember correctly, it was about this dad surviving an apocalypse who had his kid strapped to his back. Like, the kid was 2ish maybe, one of those tiny humans that can fit in the harness you wear over your shoulder and you’re like a human pack mule and your baggage is a child? I dunno what to call them. ANYWAY, if I remember correctly, the zombie transformation process wasn’t immediate. At least, it wasn’t like “five minutes from now I’ll be hungry for flesh.” It might’ve been like an hours thing, maybe more like a days thing?

A chronological process here with that in mind:

1. Say the person he’s trying to heal isn’t infected-infected, like they’re still coherent. If they bite him then, it would obviously infect HIM, too, but I feel like the process would be slower.

2. With that in mind, you just know First Aid realizes exactly how this is gonna go. He’s gonna be zombified sooner or later, there’s no doubt about that. His biggest concern is probably like “how quickly is this gonna happen?” Does he have enough time to get himself and the survivor he’d tried to help away from the farmhouse? Can he inform the Combaticons, maybe the children? Does he have more time than he expects? What’s the process gonna be like? Where does he even start?

3. Thankfully for him (actually not thankfully it’s even more awful this way LMAO), the infection seems a bit more gradual than instant. It’s probably a two, three day process, and throughout the whole thing he just feels so tired, his body feels sore, he feels so hungry, super hungry. At the same time, regular food cooked by Onslaught which is usually the best thing he’s ever tasted is repulsive, nauseating even.

4. Those things aren’t the worst of it, though. First Aid’s BIGGEST problem is the site of the wound itself, which started out as a small bite-shaped puncture wound but has now spread across his ENTIRE arm, causing the skin to go blue and veins to appear and gosh, he couldn’t stop bleeding at first, but now there just isn’t any blood at all, no clotting, nothing. He’s lucky he can still feel that arm, let alone use it, because he can feel his nerves dying out one by one. It doesn’t actually hurt, which is a little surprising. If anything, it just… I don’t know, it’s just like he’s gradually getting less and less aware that he has two arms, not own.

5. Ironically, despite the danger he puts himself and others in, it does take First Aid some time to open up about what happened. Only hours after the incident does the poor survivor fully transform into a flesh-eating, brain-hungry monster, and First Aid doesn’t have the courage to stick around when Brawl heads out back to “take care of the poor guy.” The Combaticon is strangely humane about the entire ordeal, and it makes First Aid feel a little better, but it’s like knowing the day you’re gonna die. There’s nothing you can do, but it’s still haunting.

6. He doesn’t actually end up telling anyone, though… they just sort of find out. First Aid was pretty diligent about keeping the bite wound sanitized and wrapped, despite it doing little to help. He’s more afraid of infecting others via contact with the injury, though, and… well, he still hasn’t gathered the courage needed to open up about what happened. It’s a weird feeling, but one moment First Aid is sitting at the dining room table, staring down at a plate of food he hasn’t touched yet while Vortex and Swindle argue over some unimportant topic, and the next thing he knows, he’s suddenly being pinned to the ground by a very aggressive, very scared Onslaught. It’s hard to tell exactly what had happened at first, but a quick glance at the upturned tables and chairs and Swindle—who’s quite literally quivering in the farthest corner of the room and completely silent for once in his fucking life—tells him exactly what had happened.

7. All of a sudden, everything erupts into poorly controlled chaos. The children who witnessed the incident are crying, First Aid starts crying, Swindle is babbling on about rabies and infections and god knows what, Brawl is struggling to help gather everyone up and out of the room so Onslaught can have some space to work. It takes some time, but he eventually manages to help guide First Aid out of the house and away from the trashed dining room.

8. You could end it all depressingly with First Aid being eliminated but honestly, I hc that they just keep him in the barn or something LMAO. I like the idea that zombies aren’t as aggressive during the day, and if anything, more curious that bloodthirsty. Also, you COULD try to feed him a little something here and there. Maybe not, but like… it’s not out of the question. Vortex takes him on like he’s just another horse living in the stable, and he’s honestly the only one who’s unfazed by First Aid’s tendency to nip at stray fingers. At one point he even suggests pulling First Aid’s teeth to make him less dangerous, but the children lost their minds, so that was quickly turned down. Either way, First Aid is now their little zombie pet, and he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Sometimes Vortex even takes him out on little walks with a harness and a leash. First Aid doesn’t mind it, for the most part. He even seems to like it, and he especially likes stopping to stand under the shade of trees while Vortex continues training his precious mare.

I’ve always imagined First Aid would be the type of person who would realize he is going to die, and try the very drastic amputation method. Like, if it works, that’s a different topic. But I imagine he would have seen how long it takes to turn, and then gamble on, “if I amputate the area that got bitten, then I can survive” but it would have to be a very very rapid decision.

Ie: realizing he got bitten on the arm, ripping off the clothing there, tying a tourniquet, grabbing whatever sharp object he keeps on him and doing the worlds worst and most horrific amputation. You could make a case that maybe he has medical tools on him that could be used for amputation. But it’s equally likely that he doesn’t. Bonus points if he’s alone, or what if he’s not alone and Vortex has to hold his arm down for him. Ugh. Interesting stuff though!

[ybklix]

𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐞

★ pairing: artist ex bf!lee minho x fem!reader

✦summary: The time after a break-up is the worst, even more so when, without even asking, you become aware of all the things your former lover has done since you're not by his side. After avoiding Minho, the two of you meet again in the same place and time where it all started, just when you thought you had managed to erase his memories a little, you both find yourselves on an adventure trying to figure it out what really drove you apart.

✭ content - tags - warnings: angst, smut (fingering, oral sex, unprotected sex, creampie), cheating, use of nicknames, aftercare.

word count: 8.1k

masterlist

♡ request from anon, inspired by the song: we don’t talk anymore by you know who, I do not support him, never been a fan of his music either lol, I googled the lyrics just to be aware for the request heh + added inspo from the 2004 film, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

little playlist for full inspo w love (excluding c.p.th)

♡ notes: maniac pixie dream boy minho who changes his hair a lot like clementine. the mention of his hair colors are not chronologically accurate, just mention of them.

♡ TAGLIST FORMS - anon list open! my inbox is open 4 request if u want me to write smth, just specify it pls ପ(๑•ᴗ•๑)ଓ ♡ and just be patient <3

dividers by peachesboard

You never understood breakups. They seemed completely absurd to you, why people would break up with a person you love to be with, why does love suddenly have to end? There was nothing good about not fighting and abandoning everything to start from scratch, being complete strangers who know each other quite well. Love is strange, as much as every personality inside each individual, there is no one who knows more about you than yourself; and you, you were never a true believer in love, you lived a silent life focused on your college career, your love fundamentals were not good references, your parents divorced when you were thirteen, realizing so many signs that your father had someone else, and for some strange reason your father talked to your older brother, who tearfully confessed to you that no matter if they were separated, he would always be there for you. Your mother remarried a year later and you decided to convince yourself that these are things that happen, divorces are so simple and common things that happen daily in thousands of marriages, you ignored your little trauma, you went to live with your mother changing your little preteen life and, just hitting your puberty and adolescence, you lived from home to home constantly, your mother would break up with her husband, and then they would get back togheter, in a vicious circle. Yet you couldn't deny that your parents's love was sincere, strange, but sincere and noticeable.

You finally settled in a fixed place when you started university, you were quiet so the city was never ideal for you, you hated crowded places and the constant noise, your parents helped you to stay in an apartment in the town, only 1 hour and a half from the city by train, making a long way to the university of over two hours, but you didn't mind, you loved your routine of going early every morning to take the first route and seeing the swiftness of the landscape through the window of the almost empty train, the people at the station knew you so well that they greeted you kindly, and you were happy with the little details that made up your little routine. As for relationships, it wasn't something you cared too much about, and for some strange reason, something that never happened to you, however, sometimes you felt lonely, but once again, you fell into the unexpected games of fate, finding love so unexpectedly when you didn't anticipate it.

Everything you knew about love - or what you thought you believed - changed when you met the one you thought was the love of your life. He changed your perspective completely, suddenly you wondered why people would want to separate from someone you love intensely and want to be with all the time. You almost believed it so strongly, until, as simple as stupid human nature, the relationship ended.

This particular morning, it reminded you so much of the morning of an autumn that will always live in your heart no matter how painful it is, the morning of an October 21st, 4 years ago, when you were running late for college and your friends kept nagging you about what would be the perfect costume for the Halloween party, but your head was exploding, you were new in college and you didn't care about the costumes, even though you loved Halloween, it was midterm exams and it was your second night of pull an all-nighter, and you fell asleep at your desk over your notes and woke up scared, half an hour later than your usual alarm. Half an hour was half an hour, time was crucial when you lived far from school and every little thing got in the way of your punctuality.

But you sighed, trying to forget those thoughts and calmly leaving your apartment going calmly towards the train station to take you to town; you were not late, if everything goes perfect you would arrive at least 20 minutes earlier than agreed with your friend, a special one, who insisted that you should stay in his apartment, and then insisted on picking you up, but you rejected his requests, making it clear that you enjoyed taking the train and that you would be with him so early in the morning; he was nervous, he had an important job interview in an important company and he needed real emotional support, especially yours, which you accepted since you appreciated him a lot. Plus, in the evening you were going to a birthday party for another of your close friends, who you had been avoiding… because you knew he would be there. Because you knew they would start asking about your well-being since he had a new girlfriend whom he proudly took everywhere, who was beautiful and gentle, not cold and shy like you, who's lively personality fit perfectly with your ex-boyfriend's and they were an adorable couple, whose girl would be intertwining his arm tonight.

You didn't take your usual train first thing in the morning, in fact you had stopped taking it since months ago since you graduated from college and there was nothing in the city for you yet, just the high hopes of getting a job you were trying so hard for and, who your best friend Yang Jeongin promised to get you a position once he gets his too. Jeongin had it all, he came from a rich family and was a bit spoiled, yet he was quite sweet and humble, his parents were strict and always taught him to work and strive for his goals, he was a year older than you and gave you one subject induction courses, making you friends and since you ended your relationship, he has been hard at it to make you forget about your ex boyfriend… and for you to start seeing him with other eyes than just friendship. He had a job interview with a pharmaceutical company, a partner in one of his father's companies and therefore trusted by him. As an executive, and not as a pharmacist chemist Biologist, as you both graduated.

You thought you had perfectly erased your ex-boyfriend from your memory, his voice was so far away in your head, you don't remember his smell, and you don't think about him anymore when you are alone with Jeongin. You don't miss him, or at least that's what you want to convince yourself, you've gotten so used to living alone as it always was your whole life, while you were sure that he had already gotten so used to his new girl as well. But something in the cold air hitting your bare skin that cloudy early autumn morning in September, made a rush of memory of him come to your mind. He was for you, a cozy autumn day.

You walked into the train oblivious to the people already there, your usual middle and back seats were taken so you sat all the way to the front by the window, feeling safe because you had forgotten a coat and the weather was predicting a drop in temperature with heavy wind and rain, and suddenly you remembered that you also forgot your umbrella at the entrance to your house. You cursed internally, sometimes you are a little absent-minded.

You rubbed your hands together trying to get warm and settled your backpack next to you as you felt the train start up, impossible for someone to come and sit next to you. You took the book out of your bag and tried to start reading it, thinking if you would really look like a bitch if you didn't attend Han's birthday, but you didn't consider it anymore, he was dramatic and a great friend, he was at all your birthdays since you met him, even in heavy snow storm, without you asking him, since your birthday always happened on a cold December day.

You couldn't concentrate on your reading, that day for some reason for you was quite melancholic, that's why you hated cloudy days and rain, they altered your mood. You looked towards the window and suddenly, your heart stopped beating when you heard a familiar voice calling your name. You turned around, as terrified as if it were a ghost, almost in a cold sweat. And your eyes found him, standing holding onto your seat as his body swayed gently through the moving train.

Minho. You thought again and again. You watched him as if you hadn't seen him in years, his hair was now a deep dark blue almost black, his handsome face had a small smile and you noticed he was dressed smartly in a suit…. something very unusual for him.

“Hey” you managed to say gravely and breathlessly and, without invitation, he sat down next to you, moving your bag.

“What will you do in the city?” he asked, as if nothing.

The same question he asked four years ago.

As calm and relaxed as if you hadn't stopped talking eight months ago. Everything inside you was disturbed as you heard his voice rumbling in every corner of your body. You thought you had forgotten him, but suddenly everything you had experienced with him filled you up completely in just seconds. You wanted to ask loudly and desperately to heaven, what the fuck you must have done in your past life to suffer like that again, seeing him again.

“Mmm, nothing special, I'll go see Jeongin” you replied, shy and stammering just like the first time you met.

Around the same time, same place, same old train without any repairs, just different seat. Suddenly you remembered that you were sitting in the seat he was in four years ago when you met him. That cold October 21st, almost running to catch the train, agitated and sweating despite the cold weather, once again, forgetting your scarf and coat at home, only carrying with you a small sweater, quickly entering the carriage, sitting almost at the end, victorious of not missing the train while trying to calm down and checking the time like a maniac counting exactly what minute of the class you might be able to arrive. After settling your breathing, you tried to relax a bit by drawing, as you loved to do it, you were good at it, it was a passion you never developed professionally as you thought it wouldn't lead to something solid and you took it as a hobby.

That morning you completely caught Minho's attention as you came in so agitated and running, he usually took the next train, but that morning he felt so homesick and with a personal and artistic block, he felt trapped. He felt time upon him, it was time to grow up, something he never wanted to do, that morning Minho couldn't sleep and went for a walk to the cold and dark beach, he returned disappointed to his apartment and got dressed up, ready to go to the city to meet some friends; he had just finished college months ago, he studied what he was passionate about, but sadly he didn't see expected results in his work, he was a frustrated and unemployed artist, at least in his profession, as he kept small jobs that made him completely unhappy. But that morning, somehow you cheered him up, he turned to see you, who were so concentrated drawing nothing in specific, you were drawing the train station you always took, you had previously checked your phone but you regretted it the instant you saw one of your friends send the cute costume she had together with her boyfriend, most of them dressed in pairs and suddenly all that terrified you… for the first time, you felt lonely, you hadn't had any love interest in high school and your college seemed to be going the same way, you wondered if the problem was you and if you should do something soon… and that's when you felt a look on you, by reflex you looked up, meeting big brown eyes of a boy with bright purple hair looking at you so animatedly; you got embarrassed, blushed and looked away and then you looked at him again, this time the boy's eyes were smiling by themselves, as the rest of the seat was blocking the view of his whole face.

“Hi” he shouted animatedly so you could have heard him.

Confused, you frowned, unsure if it was you he was referring to. It was more than obvious to Minho, there was no other young person around his age in the carriage and he was looking you straight in the eye; he was outgoing, spontaneous and currently sad so he desperately needed a distraction.

You whispered a small, subtle “What?”, not believing he had heard you, to which he repeated again, “I said hi.”

“Hi” you replied almost automatically, without thinking or else nerves and shyness would get the best of you.

Minho was bored of being sad, he wasn't cynical enough to jump from one emotion to another, his sadness was still there, still he wanted to cheer up a bit so he approached you, surprising you completely as you saw his silhouette coming towards you. He positioned himself on his knees like a little kid peeping towards your seat and the drawing on your lap, to him up close, you looked even prettier and when he saw your art it was his doom, you were perfect, he thought so.

“What are you doing?” he added peeping at your drawing.

You remember watching him, with his bright purple color in his hair, his handsome face with big eyes and straight nose, unable to formulate words as he was quite handsome and his voice… it was so unique that you wanted to hear it again. You were a bit shy and antisocial, the only way you made friends was because they approached you, just like he was doing just at this moment.

“It's just a draw…” you replied in a deep voice unsure of speaking.

“You're an artist?” he asked animatedly, this time rounding the seat and sitting in your available one next to you.

You distinctly remember almost losing your breath when you felt and saw him nearby, remember every part of him, his strong presence and sweet scent.

“Oh no, it's just… a hobby.”

“Hobby? But it's beautiful, I know how to recognize another artist myself, I am one” he mentioned proudly with a small smile on his face.

For the first time, you turned to look at him, making eye contact which you have a hard time doing, but you couldn't take your eyes off Minho's, sharp but round, his lachrymal so marked and cute giving the appearance of a cat, his long eyelashes and his pointed nose with the termination of thin pink heart-shaped lips. He continued, without you saying a word, but your gaze prompted him to speak in a certain way:

“I am a cartoonist and illustrator.”

You opened your eyes in surprise, you always loved meeting more illustrators, after all that was your greatest passion, art, after chemistry.

“Really, that sounds very nice, have you illustrated books?” you said with interest.

“I illustrated some graphic novels by a friend, it's called Eternal Flame, then its sequel, A Blue Sunshine, by Han Jisung.”

“I should read it, the titles sound interesting” you said animatedly.

Minho made a small grimace that confused you.

“Honestly not a fan of fiction and romance, but you can do it to see my illustrations” he added amused to which you laughed.

You should have known back then when Minho told you he was never a fan of romance, but you ignored him, you were so blinded by his eternal shine, there was something about him so unique.

“What will you do in the city?” he spoke again.

“I'm going to college… and you?”

“Lunch with some friends” he suddenly answered curtly, not comfortable with the conversation so spontaneously, he didn't want to talk about him and his business in the city. “What do you major in?” he changed the conversation to what you naively at the time didn't know.

“Pharmaceutical chemist-biologist.”

“Chemi-what, I can't even pronounce it” you laughed softly, “Why would you choose something so difficult?”

“I guess I… I like complicated things.”

And that was so true, there was nothing more complicated in your life than Lee Minho, and you dealt and struggled with it three years, not even your career was as complicated as him.

“I'm Minho, by the way.”

Minho couldn't get the pretty girl on the train drawing out of his head.

When you arrived in the city you knew that you both had to leave for your respective destination so he asked you, “What time do you take the train back?” And right at that time you found him again, standing at the station, waiting for you, looking so cute all bundled up and his notorious purple hair. The temperature had dropped further and as soon as he saw you, he wrapped his scarf around you and gave you his jacket while you waited 10 minutes for the carriage. You could see the incredible cold Minho was going through, you felt bad but he insisted you wear it, you breathed in his manly scent combined with a sweet candy smell, it was amazing that it fit him so well even his smell, his appearance was manly, every faction of his face was perfectly marked, but he… was a little strange, strange cute.

You talked for hours, you didn't know that he was also from the same town as you, he was older, by four years, and you were so delighted to meet him that you didn't want to chase him away, and just kept telling him over and over that you were in college, since you were seventeen at the time, two months away from your eighteenth birthday. Minho was cute, sarcastic, joking and spontaneous, you never went through any awkward moments, after he left you to your apartment, you felt bad, wondering if you were going to fall in love always and easily with the first cute guy who paid attention to you. Years later you found out that it wasn't like that, you just fell in love with Minho and his peculiar personality. It was only because of him that you could fall so easily.

You started dating in November, your first date was when you invited him to choose a costume for Halloween, and in the end, you ended up sneaking out of the party to go with him, in December you still pretended you were 18, and that you turned 19, you spent Christmas and New Year's with him, when you got drunk for the first time and confessed between kisses your real age, Minho was impressed and also drunk joked if Y/N was your real name and identity. For Minho you were magic, and like a little lucky charm, since he met you, his life improved, the days were brighter, he got a wonderful job with good pay doing what he was passionate about, but nevertheless he could never leave the town, because it was like a magical place that brought him back to you.

That winter his hair changed to silver, by spring it was blond, one of his colors that drove you crazy and, six months after dating, after fiery kissing sessions, Minho was your first time. Minho was your first time in everything, in love, in your kiss, in sex, your first fight, your first emotional stress for someone far away from your family. Everything. You lost your virginity to Minho in his apartment, who was an expert and was very well endowed in size so he was gentle with you, you couldn't believe how incredibly hot he made you, how well he played with your pussy… and, after that, your steamy honeymoon era started, he changed his hair to brown, every time he changed his hair color, it was like he changed too, a new facet every time, something new to learn and know about Minho.

Your parents and brother adored him, they said he was a little crazy, but he looked like a good man, his parents also adored you, since he was an only child, his three cats loved you and were so used to you every time you visited Minho's parents house, since he also wanted to see his cats, you met Minho's friends who liked you so much that they became your friends too… but not everything was sweet, Minho had the irrational fear of getting bored of you, since his pasts relationships didn't last long, he was unserious, he had so many mood swings that it was hard to keep up with them, after a little more than a year of being together, problems appeared, Minho was frustrated because living in the city would fix everything, he would be closer to his job and would save taking a train every morning, but he was going to move away from you. But you always fixed every fight, with you always apologizing, he never did, not even if he was wrong, but you didn't want to lose him, you loved him too much.

You fought hard for three years and when you reached that amount of being together, everything fell apart, before November of that year when you would be three years long, Minho had to look for another job, which he found, but this time he was so determined to live in the city and he felt tied to you. Which made him feel bad, because he loved you too much but… sometimes he despaired of your shyness and fear of moving forward, your fear of seeing things in the future, even he, who was childish and immature, felt it was time to change, he was 25 years old, no longer 22.

And you insisted to him that you could go live with him, that you practically and anyway already lived in his apartment, that you could go to the city together, but he excused himself with that he loves you too much and he wouldn't make you change who you are and what you love just for him, if you loved the small town, then you should stay there, but it was a bunch of crap, there was nothing in the world that you would love more than him.

And he broke up with you, one cold January night this year, after having another fight, one so hard you knew it would take time to digest, Minho was starting to move out behind your back, he had only told you of his plans, mumbling and annoyed, but you had no idea he already had an apartment in the city. You found him messaging with a girl, being a little nicer than usual, talking cheerfully about what he ate, what he was doing, what movie he should watch; you argued and between shouts he told you she was just his real estate agent and showed the first messages where he was asking for apartments, being so professional; then you picked up that he was looking for apartments himself without telling you anything, and as soon as he saw the woman, she caught his attention.

But you wanted to forgive him, even though he never asked you for forgiveness in the first place, you wanted to think that they were just messages, and that he can still stop it with time, you wanted to hear from him that he loves you.

Still heartbroken and in the snow, you went to the supermarket to buy things to cook in his apartment, to talk and be warm, then make up for it with sweet sex like you always did, because you hadn't been intimate in weeks. Minho didn't expect you that night, still he let you in, you left the shopping on the counter and you approached him so in love, ready to talk sweetly to him and incite him to also talk and touch you, but you saw him, his expression was so serious, all the muscles on his face were tense to form a monotonous expression, you were worried, Minho couldn't hold back anymore, he didn't want to hurt you, he told you that you had to talk, you both sat on his couch and he was done with you. He said to you:

“You know I love you too much, you gave me the best years of my life, but I think we have to explore the outside world, alone, separating for a while.”

Not only did your heart break, but you felt every part of your body ache. The memory is so painful that you decided to erase it, you only remember Minho's dark red hair and his cute, slightly crystallized eyes.

Had you known it was just a game to him, you wouldn't have wasted your love for so long.

And by March Minho had a new girlfriend, a girl his age who worked with him. You didn't know, but Jisung thought you did and came running to you to comfort you, that's when you found out. She was like Minho as a woman, only she didn't change her hair color and maintained a cleaner, more elegant image of a beautiful 25 year old woman. But she was exactly like him, spontaneous personality, outgoing, friendly; she was the exact opposite of you.

You didn't know if he really moved to the city, you stopped talking completely and you weren't interested in asking about him, or his girlfriend. You graduated, after having lived your entire college career with Minho, after he promised you he would be there when you finished studying. Minho knew exactly what day in May was your graduation, but he hesitated so much to talk to you again, that he ended up not talking to you.

He hurt you over and over again and now he felt like it was nothing, waving at you.

Minho grimaced and sucked between his teeth when he heard you were going to see Jeongin, hurt that those were your first words he heard from you after eight long months, seeing another man.

“How is Jeongin?” he asked, nervous and losing his confidence as he fiddled with his tie.

“Fine.”

“You're dating him?”

The question surprised you as much and was as sudden as he was.

“Why are you dressed like that?” you told him teasingly, as confidently as if you knew each other very well, which you do.

“Ahh, this” he said exasperated looking at his suit, “Seohyeon got me a promotion at work and I have to be at the interview dressed like this, you know it's not my style.”

Seohyeon, you repeated in your head, catching on that Minho was passive aggressive with you by returning the low blow that was mentioning Jeongin to him, now he mentioned his girlfriend to you.

The first time you saw Seohyeon was at the birthday dinner of Minho's friend who was also yours, Changbin, in August, she was so pretty and wore an expensive dress that made you go home crying for hours.

“And why are you on this train anyway? You stayed with your parents…?”

Minho laughed softly, making your insides vibrate, you hadn't heard or seen his laugh in a long time.

“I think you were always right, I can never leave the town, I still keep my old apartment, it's full of nice memories” he said, intensifying your gaze on you.

You wanted to laugh in disbelief, for you everything nice living in his apartment is overshadowed by that dark January day. There is nothing else in that place but ghosts and haunting. Fighting and crying.

“So you don't live in the city?” you answered, so cold that it hurt Minho a little, not hearing your sweet, soft tone anymore.

“Yes but, you know when I need some emotional support I have to go to the beach, that's why I stayed there.”

You both kept talking, Minho never closed his mouth, after almost the hour, you saw him so normal again, you didn't know if your wound was open or healing, but you laughed with him again. And you couldn't help but think how handsome he looked in his body-tight suit.

Finally you arrived in the city, Minho noticed once again that you didn't have a coat, so he gave you his long coat, you were impressed but you wanted to give it back to him to which he refused.

“You are going to Hannie's party tonight right?” asked Minho, not wanting to say goodbye to you.

Minho missed you and he didn't know how to say it, he missed your scolding, your stubborn personality, you being more ordered than him, your little routine and just everything about you. Despite having a new girlfriend, she wasn't you, her eyes didn't shine the same as yours, her voice and body were different, he didn't know every single point of her body that made her tremble like he did with you; he tried to look for you in her again, but she wasn't you. But Minho can't help but have a great appreciation for Seohyeon, with her everything was simpler, she talked and expressed herself in every thing she felt, she wasn't so reserved, but he could never love her with the same intensity as he did with you, you were for Minho his first great love, he, a man who didn't even believe that two strangers can soon become each other's world, you were his world in his young years.

You nodded at the question of attending Han's party and, before he could say to you, see you later, the heavy rain caught you completely, drenching you both, you both ran inside the station, laughing at the sudden change of weather. You both looked at each other, laughing and wet.

“Agh, you hate the rain” Minho whispered softly looking towards the window, still remembering every detail about you then turned to look at you, “Don't you have an umbrella?”

You shook your head.

“Neither do I” Minho added, “I can't go to the interview like this, do I look too wet?” he spoke worriedly to which you nodded amused, “Agh, I'll go to the bathroom.”

Minho left and you saw the rain, feeling it for the first time as a healer. But the rain was getting heavier and heavier, having people trapped in the station.

Minho came back, slightly drier and they both sat on a couch in the place, in silence, waiting for the rain to stop, but after 10 minutes of intense rain and silence, Minho went back to talking, as if nothing, updating you on his life, excluding Seohyeon in every part of it. 30 more minutes and the rain started to soften, the truth was that Minho wanted to keep you held for a moment, because he was about to abandon his plans to spend time with you, at least one last time. The last tender date you couldn't have.

Jeongin was calling you, but your phone was silent and in your bag, you lost track of time with Minho, you lost yourself in Minho, once again you were mesmerized.

“The cab is outside… I'll go to my apartment to change… you want to go… dry off.”

You were dry, but you nodded without thinking, it was obvious he wanted to be with you, why say no to him.

The ride was silent, you appreciated the city, so big and where you also shared many memories with Minho and, unexpectedly you feel his hand on yours, you blushed, unable to see it, as if you were eighteen again and everything he did made you blush. He looked at you tenderly, appreciating every detail about you that he missed.

You arrived at his apartment, you took off his coat, however there was something about that apartment made you uneasy, the decoration was not so Minho, it felt like someone else's… you thought, maybe his new girlfriend decorated it for him.

You couldn't observe it much, when Minho took you by the wrist and guided you to his room.

“Help me pick out another outfit.”

You were puzzled, but you let yourself go, however you were elated to see that Minho was undressing.

“Minho…” you said in warning, averting your gaze.

“What, it's not like you haven't seen me naked before.”

You said nothing, and a small photo so familiar on the stand of his TV caught your attention, you moved closer and noticed it was a Polaroid taken of you by Han at a dinner party at his house, you had forgotten that night, you had forgotten that a photo existed. You were stunned, why would Minho keep your memories anyway, you got rid of each and every one of his things, his gifts, his drawings of you, his photos, everything was stored in a warehouse that your parents rented, under a padlock of which you have no key or code, you just threw it there, next to your mother and cried all the way back to her house, as you felt unable to be in yours.

Minho noticed instantly and, wearing only his pants, he stood in front of you and lowered your hand gently to let you leave the picture where it was, you looked him in the eyes, upset, almost crying, you wanted to kill him, he was the one who broke up with you, you never agreed on that, if he had changed his mind soon, you would be together again, but he never called you back.

“It would sound bad… if I told you I still miss you” he whispered carefully.

You watched him badly, so weak, “You're such a fucking idiot” you claimed to him, so angry as if you were barely done with him and you were in your anger phase.

“I know, I know…”

“I have to go” you exclaimed, but he held your forearms tightly.

“Don't go again” he whispered with his eyes shining, “Please don't go again, without you giving me one last kiss.”

You laughed in disbelief, but Minho leaned towards you, pressing his lips together to which you promptly received, his soft lips that you adored so much and had forgotten the sensation, you let yourself fall to Minho's games of seduction, you were lost again. Minho kissed you so tenderly, but then his right hand went to your waist, squeezing it while his left hand held your face, he subtly intensified the kiss, opening your mouth and your tongues colliding, you felt weak again, you hadn't kissed anyone after him and he came back being so much more intense, you were starting to turn on little by little completely yielded to Minho, as you rested his hands on his marked and protruding pecs, you noticed he was more muscular since the last time you touched him, you felt so bad but you wanted to fuck him, you had been having months of abstinence, just surviving off your the lonely nights with your vibrator.

Minho quickly noticed how the situation was getting hotter and hotter and how his loud kisses between sighs made way for many things, Minho drew your body to his, pressed his grip tightly on your waist, he was starting to get aroused, he had missed you so much.

You gasped as you felt his lips moving down your neck, kissing your skin so passionately, now his hands searching for the edge of your sweater, nimbly removing it followed by your bra, you looked into his eyes for a few seconds, whose gaze was lost in your bare chest, with his swollen lips and darker eyes, Minho kissed you again on your chest, this time catching one breast in his mouth making you moan and your pussy throb for him, he kept playing with your breasts with his mouth, tongue and hands, until he pulled away from you, grabbed you by the waist and repositioned you on his bed.

You watched Minho so lustfully as he began to take off his belt and unbutton his pants… and then you realized… that Minho had a girlfriend and that he probably fucks her on the same bed you are sitting on. You couldn't think about it again, when you found your ex-boyfriend's big erect cock, Minho stroking it gently and moaning; you bit your lip at the sight of his dick, it used to be yours only and now you had to share it, you were going to fuck him no matter what, at least one last time.

He came back closer to you and went back to eating your mouth wildly, you took his cock between your hands and started to masturbate him making him gasp between your kisses. He pulled away, making eye contact as he tried to undo the button of your pants, you gasped at the agility and speed in which he got rid of your garment, leaving you in your soaking wet panties.

“Oh I missed you too much” he mumbled.

He kissed you again, this time moving his right hand down to your panties, rubbing your folds over the fabric, you gasped to which a smiling Minho pulled away from you and brought your foreheads together, he had that smug little smile of his, showing off his adorable upper teeth. He looked at you in concentration and so excited, your hand went back to his penis to which he moaned in exasperation. Minho pulled the fabric away from your folds and continued to caress your pussy as he stared at you. Your body began to tremble as Minho touched exactly the part of your clit that was driving you crazy, and he quickly inserted two of his fingers expertly, making your eyes roll white with pleasure, he knew you so well.

Minho continued to work hard on your pussy at the same time you were stimulating him as well. The scene was so dirty, Minho had not felt this aroused again since he was with you, his heart wanting to pound out of his chest, his cock throbbing hard and every inch of its length swollen and sensitive. He needed you so much, Minho remembered your little horny games where he would teach you every single thing about sex, every position, how you should move, what to do with a certain part of your body, everything was orchestrated by him and by your second year of dating you were an expert who knew Minho like a map you knew by heart.

Minho cursed between gasps which turned you on so much, he was so close, while you on the other hand enjoyed so much being stimulated with his hand brushing your labia and clit in an obscene wet sound while his fingers fucked your insides sliding into your walls, finally having Minho, having him like you wanted it to happen eight months ago, at least one last time. Minho pulled away from you and you in a whimper watched him confused, he sat on the edge of the bed, as soon as he said “Come here”, you were already by his side so fast.

“C'mon kitten, I also missed your lips around my cock. Ahhh fuck yes” whimpered Minho, grabbing your hair.

You obeyed him instantly, oh the hard soft reddish tip of your ex-boyfriend with his slippery precum, how much you missed it, Minho's cock was thick and big with veins, it was a dream, you hated that another girl had to taste it, so you would suck him off so well. You stuck out your tongue, holding his cock and gently stroking his balls, your tongue began to stimulate his glans to which you made eye contact with him, but Minho didn't last long, he closed his eyes in pleasure letting himself go completely. His right hand held your hair, while his free hand was in charge of groping your whole body, getting you hornier, you loved it when Minho was too touchy during sex, running his hands all over your body, constantly caressing your bare skin, you sighed half-heartedly, and took his whole length, sucking and licking hard, weakening your ex-boyfriend so ecstatic, there was no other like your mouth taking his cock so well.

Minho's long arm reached your entrance and with his middle finger he fucked your entrance again turning you into a horny fucking slut eager for sex sex and more sex, you couldn't wait for him to finally be in you.

“Ah, fuck princess, I'm gonna cum” whined Minho, with his strong thick thighs shaking feeling so satisfied by your constant movements of your mouth on his cock.

He fucked you harder each time he got closer and closer making you gasp between his cock and you watched him contract his marked abdomen followed by his warm shot in your mouth. You smiled satisfied to see him a little ruined with an expression of pleasure all over his handsome face, you slid his whole cock one last time out of your mouth, dripping a little and making a mess on his thighs, you swallowed every taste of Minho, he watched you sweetly for a few seconds and moved again, he always had to be in constant motion and this time he leaned back against the back of his bed, making his body comfortable, his back between his pillows, sitting up.

“Come here again” he whispered, patting her thick thigh.

You understood perfectly, you admired his naked body for a moment, his long strong legs resting on the bed and his strong arms with noticeable veins on his biceps, you really thought Minho had to go back to the gym in the time he wasn't with you. And you understood everything, every time Minho lay down and made himself comfortable, it was because he wanted you to ride him. You were so happy and wet that you would finally feel his cock in you again.

“Take off your panties, honey or do you want me to fuck you like that“ he added in a thick voice.

You bit your lip, slowly removed your panties as Minho looked at you expectantly with his cock sticking to his abdomen so erect again, you spread your legs and positioned your body over him, your knees next to his thighs and moaned as you felt your wet folds detach, you took his cock setting it steady to let yourself slowly fall on it, Minho bit his lip and you whimpered as you felt half of him in you, stretching your entire entrance and filling all your insides, rubbing hard against your walls, you took your hand off his cock and held yourself on his chest, letting yourself fall all the way down and whimpering again. Minho watched you the whole time as you slid your entrance over him, then turned to quickly watch your pussy rubbing against the rest of his genitals, and returned your gaze to you, with an exalted liberated vein in his neck.

“Good girl, kitty, good girl” Minho encouraged you, panting but sweetly.

He always praised you during sex, it was something he loved to do, to let you know you were doing well and he was enjoying it. He held you tightly on your hips, you felt his hands bigger and his grip tighter if that was possible, he was not the sweet Minho you had known for a long time. You started to move on his cock, moaning as you felt your insides filled with him sliding easily, Minho helped you, pushing your hips to sway on him making you both enjoy; you didn't take your eyes off Minho, he was your same Min as always but at the same time so different.

“Ahh, you feel so good, princess, come here and kiss me” gasped Minho.

You leaned in to kiss him, while his strong hands were in charge of moving your hips up and down, almost grabbing your ass and caressing, in and out in such a slow and romantic rhythm enjoying every inch of his swollen cock in you. You loved the feel of his hands on you and his body close, Minho moved his hands to your breasts and whispered:

“Do you mind if you move a little now, sweetheart?”

You shook softly as you felt Minho's hands massaging your breasts, you rested your hands on his thighs, moving to your pace and making him gasp loudly.

“You're doing it great, princess, kee-keeping going” gasped Minho.

You kept moving and suddenly you felt so close to your orgasm, almost telepathically at the same time as Minho, he stopped fondling your breasts and hugged you tightly, making your body stick with his as he started ramming you fast and hard, pounding every part of your insides intensely, what started so cute and romantic, ended with Minho fucking you hard pushing you both to orgasm, to a shattering and wonderful orgasm, whimpering and cumming almost at the same time.

You felt all of Minho's cum fill you completely, Minho licked his lips at the thought of the pretty image of your pussy bathed in his liquid sliding into you. You lay there for a few seconds leaning against his chest trying to catch your breath, your tits brushing against his chest, feeling his heavy breathing, with your head resting on his shoulder, breathing in his scent, getting a closer look at his short blue-tinged hair. And that was nothing to what you used to do, you used to last round after round… but suddenly, you felt so sensitive to be in his arms again. Slowly you pulled away from him, taking a deep breath to dare to look at him.

You watched Minho, his face was the same but he had matured, he looked more grown up… he no longer had the sweet face of a baby, he was a man, a man who just now you wanted to fuck him every day but you couldn't, nor was it right. There was a slight change in his appearance since you weren't in his life and you didn't know exactly if it was good or bad. You wanted to love him again, but there was no choice for you but to be mature and wish him well in his new relationship, if only she never finds out you had just slept with him…

You traced kisses on his chest and neck, just like you always used to do after sex, you missed him so much, the warmth of his body with yours, his sweet tired face. Minho caressed your back and smiled broadly, hiding his upper lip and showing his teeth, his cute, typical smile that you fall for again and again.

“That was beautiful” he said.

For you it was a beautiful nightmare, just when you were beginning to forget him… now you find yourself with his cock still inside you, looking at him sweetly, fucking in a bed that no longer belongs to you, on a man who is no longer yours.

“What happened to us Minho?” you said to him, sniffing hard and holding back the urge to cry.

“I was a fucking idiot for letting you go” he confessed, hurt.

[...]

You spent the rest of Minho's day in the city, with the excuse of him helping you buy Han a gift, both of you, amidst the guilt, called your respective other people who cared about you, you to Jeongin, apologizing and telling him that you knew he did well anyway and that you would see him tonight accompanying you to Han's party, that you would go to his apartment to get ready, which hurt Minho. Minho, apologizing, which burned every part of your insides, he would never apologize to you, telling her that he was sorry he missed the interview and that he loved her and would see her at Han's party.

You tried to ignore what he said, but you could not. You felt bad about being your ex-boyfriend's mistress and tried your best to get away from him, but he wouldn't let you.

As soon as dusk came, you both had to say goodbye and went to the arms of the respective people waiting for you.

For the first time, Han saw you arrive with a new guy, and his heart was so happy that you are healing, without having the slightest idea that you had fucked Minho a few hours ago, upsetting you even more.

And you saw him in the distance, his shiny dark blue hair, his elegant stance, holding someone else's waist.

You watched Jeongin, willing to change, willing to extinguish the eternal flame that was your love for Minho, as he wrote, as your friend Han wrote in his novel, 'fire can be extinguished, but it only requires a minimal factor to ignite, but a great struggle to completely quench, why we focus on the cause, and not the result, of a totally scorched landscape. It's demaged, it also needs care.' It was your time to let go of Minho, only you just erasing him from your mind was so easy, but you had in front of you the great struggle, which did everything for you. You smiled at Jeongin, he smiled back sweetly, and you began to look closely at how attractive he was.

You and Minho's story was just fiction and romance like Han's book, which Minho illustrated them himself. Han's sequel was more devastating anyway, you didn't want to live it.

[attllhak]

Masterpost

Hey, I’ve finally found the need for a masterpost of all my stuff.

So, I’m Attllhak, but you can feel free to call me Atta. I’ve also gotten the nicknames Att and Atty as well, and both of those are fine too. Sometimes I write things, and this is where they go. My main is @iamyourchair and you can feel free to bother me there too if you want, though that blog is almost entirely reblogs of stuff I find cool. My AO3 account is Attllhak as well if you want to find me on there.

For navigation tags, I use ‘#atta answers’ for asks and ‘#atta responds’ for reblogs. If I ever post something that’s just me talking into the void I’ll tag it ‘#atta babbles’. The tags I use for when I’m talking about worldbuilding for my stuff or I’m talking about my headcanons are ‘#i talk worldbuilding’ and ‘#my many headcanons’ respectively. Everything that’s part of the same AU or part of a series will have a tag connecting them. Fanart I get for anything I make will go under the appropriate connected tag when applicable, and also the tag ‘#fanart for my fic’, but I won’t be linking to it on this post. I try my best to tag for triggers and warnings, but you can always ask me to add a tag I missed to something.

Feel free to pop into my inbox and ask me about any of my stuff, though I would like to ask that you keep it mostly to questions and potentially suggestions, as I am not comfortable with statements that feel like they are simply asserting things about my AUs or works to me, and anything that feels like it’s dictating my stuff to me will be ignored/deleted. Also, while I am an adult I would prefer to avoid anything NSFW, since while I am a biology/xenobiology nerd I am also aspec and don’t like discussing that sort of stuff, and certainly not publicly.

I’m putting all of the links to my stuff under a cut so it’ll update as I add things to it reliably.

LU Fics

Wild Returns

Swimming

That Fast Food AU Fic I Wrote For Tortilla

My Part Of The Meet The Chain Fic/The Door Fic

Sequel To The Crack-Fic Where Mario Is Malon’s Step-Father

MAJOR FICS AND AUS

Adoption AU (Done In Chronological Order For The Timeline, NOT Order Of Posting)

Lullaby Reacts To Time’s Batman Level Adoption Bullshit Ao3

Sky and Time: The Story Of The Family’s Most Unlikely Arrest

Adoption AU: Midna

Time is Outnumbered By His Sons And His Wife Isn’t Helping; The Floor Is Lava Edition

Warriors and Wild: The Epic Quest For Taco Bell At 3AM

The Kidnapping

Finding Twilight

WORLDBUILDING:

How Old Are The Boys?

What’s Up With Saria/Kokiri?

What Are Rusl And Uli Doing?

Rusl And Uli And Twilight’s Kidnapping

Wild’s Backstory

Tag: #adoption au

A Change In Fate

AO3

OTHER DETAILS I COULDN’T ELABORATE ON IN THE FIC:

What’s Up With Hyrule And The Furnaces + The Time Hyrule Sat On Twilight

Astor Looking Into Sky’s Visions

Symbolism In Sky’s Vision

Sky’s Theory

DLC?

The Look Warriors Gave Wild

The Instance Where Warriors Saw Twilight Go A Bit Nuts

Has Daruk Met Warriors?

Why I Wrote This Fic At All

Tag: #a change in fate

merAU

Sky Receives His Mission

What Happened To Warriors?

What Happened To Wild?

Wild’s Memories And The Trident

WORLDBUILDING:

General Worldbuilding

Is There A Map?

CHARACTER DESIGNS

Warriors, As Done By My Very Talented Best Friend

Tag: #mer au

WingAU (In Order Written)

Flora’s Musings

Wild’s Journey

Sky’s Flight

The Flying Pirate Rulers Of The Great Sea

Hyrule’s Reprieve

Legend’s Attempts At Retirement

Ravio And The Worst Flight Teacher Ever

Tag: #wing au

The Things I Did For The Gerudo Twilight AU

Twilight And Dusk Talk

Urbosa’s Story

Tags: #gerudo twilight, #gerudo twilight au

Warriors Swan Lake AU

Soldiers - Legend

Soldiers - Twilight

Enter Wild

Tag: #swan lake au

General Zelda Stuff

Ancient Sea Guardian (Originally posted to my main, link leads there)

Children Of The Woods

Termina’s Mythology (AKA the thing about the gods)

That Crack Fic Where Mario Is Malon’s Step-Father

Shopping Day

MAJOR FICS AND AUS

Surface Too Soon

AO3

Chapter 1: The Push And Fall

Chapter 2: Chasing Fi

Chapter 3: On The Surface

Chapter 4: Leap Of Faith

Chapter 5: Skyview Temple

Chapter 6: A Place To Rest

Chapter 7: Return To Eldin

Chapter 8: Earth Temple

Chapter 9: A Night In The Sky

Chapter 10: Revelations

Chapter 11: To Lanayru

Chapter 12: Into The Mines

Chapter 13: Lanayru Mining Facility

Chapter 14: A Brief Reunion

Chapter 15: THE GROOSE IS LOOSE

Chapter 16: The Hidden Village

Chapter 17: Dreams of a Goddess

Chapter 18: Recreation

Chapter 19: New Things

Chapter 20: Making Plans

Chapter 21: Studies And Things To Learn

Chapter 22: Near Misses

Chapter 23: Reflection

Chapter 24: The Night Before

Chapter 25: Reunion

Chapter 26: The Imprisoned

Chapter 27: Return To The Sky

Chapter 28: Roles To Fill

Chapter 29: Scrapper

Chapter 30: Isle of Songs

Chapter 31: The Silent Realm

Chapter 32: TBA

Tag: #surface too soon

Headcanons And Other Things That Don’t Fit Elsewhere

Twilight’s Eyes

Colour Meanings In LoZ

That Theory That Accidentally Explains Why the Egg Guardian In AoC Can Time Travel

Thoughts On The Master Sword

I Learned A Lot About Japanese Swords And Daggers For A Fic. Here’s That Trivia

How Does My Fairy Brand System Work?

Where Does Every Warrior Have Their Mark?

Do The Regular Captains Have Fairy Brands? And How Do They Pass Messages?

Elaborating On Warriors’ Connection To Proxi

Twili-Ordon-Zonai Connection And The Divine Beast Epithet

The Weirdest Thing Warriors Has Seen Fierce Deity Do

[karmaischerryred]

🍒 NSFW 18+

🍒 Dazai Osamu from Bungou Stray Dogs

🍒 x Fem Reader

🍒 A/N: Hello! This would be my first time posting my work here. I create fan fiction on a different website but I'm linking all my R-rated chapters or one-shots here; also for y'all to enjoy, to whoever finds this.

🍒 Background:

The story I published on the other website is a book of Fem Reader x Dazai One Shots of them doing ordinary (and sometimes not-so-ordinary) things a couple would do. It's kind of parallel to the events happening in BSD, but they're not in chronological order. Every six short stories, I'll be uploading an NSFW 18+ one, and this is the first. Reader's character is consistent all throughout the stories.

🍒 My inbox is always open for suggestions, though I can't promise fast productivity because I have classes :) Enjoy! xx

Y/n took another sip from her wine.

She grimaced as she swallowed the warm liquor, disliking the smell. Normally, she'd prefer champagne over this, but she had associated the sparkling drink with parties and celebration.

And nothing was worth celebrating about tonight.

Under the dark blue glow, Y/n sat on the couch overlooking Yokohama's city skyline. The clock reading almost forty-five minutes past midnight.

She pulled her silk robe tighter to her body. Even with the air-condition off, the breeze at an hour like this still managed to make her chilly. The alcohol was only doing so little to heat up her insides, and her uneasiness wasn't helping either.

Dazai had left her a message earlier that afternoon that he'd be home late. And that could only mean the agency had assigned him a job that so much required his ability; a job that was most likely dangerous.

Y/n trusted in his ability, and himself even without them. But she still couldn't help but worry about him at times like these. She didn't want to see him suffer terrible injuries, or at worst, actually die.

A sudden clicking from the door lock fortunately snapped her out of her building worries.

"You're awake."

Y/n placed her wine glass on the small side table, not turning to look at him. Instead, she closed her eyes and tilted her head back on top of the sofa's backrest, letting out a sigh of relief. "You know I choose to wait for you to come home."

Dazai walked towards her. "Ah, I wish you wouldn't. I would always come home to you no matter what."

She felt Dazai's arms rest on both sides near her head. Opening her eyes, she was greeted by her smiling boyfriend. His eyes glinted in reflection of the city lights right outside the big floor to ceiling windows in front of them. He looked extremely handsome under the teasing of the darkness.

How did she get so lucky?

He kissed her forehead, taking the time to inhale her scent, before making his way to lay on her lap. "Seriously, you should rest. I'll be busy often so you can't keep tiring yourself."

Y/n stroked his dark, perfect hair. "What was the task tonight?"

Dazai unconsciously drew circles on her thighs, the tip of his cold fingertips leaving goosebump on Y/n's already freezing skin. "Just had to er, capture a weretiger."

"The tiger that's been on the news?"

"That's the one."

"Why did they send you after it?"

"Him," he corrected. "The weretiger's an orphan's ability even he didn't know about. Poor boy scared everyone away at the orphanage, even himself."

Y/n let him continue. He might not proudly announce or show it, but she knew that he was growing to love his work.

The side that saves people.

He sat up and stretched. "Not even a scratch on me. Okay, Y/n? There's nothing to worry about."

She hugged him by the neck and kissed him right on his jawline, the most convenient place to land a kiss considering their height difference.

"Wait." He chuckled, standing up and pulling Y/n with him. "The job was done in a warehouse, I should probably clean up."

"All right." Y/n yawned and walked towards their bedroom. "I'll head in first while you go take a shower, you do smell like dust."

Y/n hung her robe by the door before sinking to relax on her side of the bed. She was grateful Dazai had been coming home more often recently. He'd sometimes choose to stay in the agency's dorm when there was too much work or when he felt like he was being closely observed by an enemy of some sort.

She closed her eyes, still trying to keep herself awake until Dazai joins her.

The door to the room swung open and she could hear his footsteps drawing closer. Dazai likewise found himself under the cool, white sheets and spooned Y/n, kissing her on the cheek while doing so.

"Y/n, you're hot."

"Thanks," Y/n mumbled sleepily.

He smirked. "Of course you are, but I meant your body temperature, kitten. Are you sick?"

She shook her head. "I maybe had too much to drink."

"You didn't have work to take home?"

"I drank while working until you arrived," she admitted. "It helps keep myself in check."

Dazai sighed. "How many times do I have to tell you not to brood so much."

Before Y/n could answer, she felt him lightly kiss her neck, his breath teasing the shell of her ear— her weakness.

"D- Dazai," y/n warned, doing her best to suppress a moan. "Aren't you tired from the job?"

She tried to control her breathing as she felt him go hard against her butt.

"I'm not tired," he assured, pulling her closer to him by the arm as his lips continued to plant soft kisses on her neck. "Turn around."

Y/n was sure her cheeks were flustered red by now. Good thing it was a little dark, with only the glow coming from outside the windows as their source of light. She turned to face him, now laying face to face.

He cupped her face with both hands. "You're too cute when you worry, but I'm sure you stress yourself enough at your internship."

She closed her hand around one of his and kissed it by the palm. "I don't mind. I want to wait for you."

Dazai smirked. "Then we must do something to relieve that stress, no?"

"W-Wha—? Dazai!"

In one swift movement, Dazai was on top of her, pinning her down with both hands at the side of her head.

"You're always so stubborn, Y/n." Dazai's lips hovered above hers. "But it's my turn now."

His lips pushed hard against hers, Y/n struggling to suppress a smile. Dazai rarely asked for them to do 'it' and like today, he'd usually find a way to pin the need on her benefit.

"You're playing hard to get, huh?" He kissed the area between her breasts, his hand finding its way underneath her tank top.

"Why can't you ask for this like a normal person?" Y/n moaned as he continued to play with her breasts.

He hummed in amusement, now tracing a finger from her nipple down to the hem of her pajama shorts. "Because I'm not a normal person, love."

Y/n held her breath as Dazai's fingers circled around her clit.

"So I'm going to make you ask for it." He kissed her on the forehead and pushed a finger inside her without warning.

On instinct, Y/n gasped and closed her eyes at the sensation. He was too good with his hands that even though she wasn't an ability user, she could suddenly almost understand how it would feel like to be nullified by his touch.

"No." He grabbed her gently by the jaw with his free hand, making her open her eyes. "Look at me."

"Dazai..." was all Y/n could muster through her moans as he continued to flick his finger from inside, and that's only one. She barely held his gaze as her own eyes would threaten to retreat at the back of her head.

"Yes?" He stopped abruptly.

Before she could stop herself, Y/n screamed out, "No!" And immediately avoided his gaze.

Ugh.

"You were saying something?" Dazai started again, now going for slow thrusts with the same finger. It was sliding in and out easily now that her body had given in to him, betraying her mind.

"Now that you started it," she seethed. "Please."

Even though he was still climbing back to the quicker tempo he had earlier, Y/n squeezed his free left wrist, signaling to him that she was close.

Dazai's love for control flashed over his dark orbs, he loved it even more when it involved applying it to Y/n in bed. "Please, what?"

He pushed another finger inside her, his other hand teasing Y/n's bottom lip before inserting two twin fingers into her mouth.

Y/n sucked on them to conceal her moans. She was reaching a different kind of high compared to how close she was a few seconds ago.

"F-Fuck—" Y/n struggled to talk now that her breathing has quickened, mimicking the pace of Dazai's fingers, while also still trying her best not to break their gaze.

Her body went rigid as she clenched around him, her fluids slipping past his fingers and onto the bed sheets.

Dazai took his fingers out of her mouth and covered it to muffle what was almost a scream from her, while his other hand continued to work their magic from below. His weight now slightly pinned half of her body down as she squirmed, overcoming her orgasm.

Once she was done, he retrieved his fingers and stretched them out with a smirk on his face, admiring the fluid dripping from them. "Can you talk properly now?"

Tears were forming at the corners of Y/n's eyes. She was already too sensitive down there, but she wanted more of him.

It could only get better than this.

"Please," she said with a shaky breath. "Fuck me."

"I love seeing you helpless like this." Dazai pulled out his member and stroked the tip with the wetness from his fingers. "Your wish is my command."

He grabbed a pillow and placed it underneath her butt to elevate the lower part her body, since she was smaller and shorter than he was.

They kissed again as he thrust inside, slowly but hard.

Y/n gasped into his mouth but he was quick to claim it again. His elbows resting at her sides, barely pulling out of her as he continued to stroke deeper and deeper into her insides.

She grabbed his hair as they continued to make out, fortunately stifling their moans for their neighbors not to hear. Every stroke made her eyes water up more as she reached for her second orgasm.

"Dazai," Y/n whispered in between kisses. "Faster."

He pulled away and grinned.

"Good girl." He pressed his lips on hers before rising to support his weight with his hands. "Safe word if it hurts, okay?"

Y/n nodded as he picked up the pace of his thrusts. She tried to grab at the pillow underneath her head, but Dazai reached for her hand and held on to it instead.

No sound came out of her mouth as she struggled to regain proper breathing, even though she was very near screaming her brains out. Dazai, too, was close to reaching his peak with his own moans muffled on to his shoulder.

She couldn't feel anything else with the rest of her body except for the part that's being pleasured greatly down there. She was so wet she could hear the sound liquid with every stroke, together with the sound of skin slapping against each other.

She squeezed his hand to signal him again. "Dazai, fuck!"

"Me too," he said, focused. "Fuck, I love it when you're loud."

"Cum in me."

"What?" He started to thrust rougher at the same fast-paced jolts. It was starting to hurt but it turned her on even more.

And he knew this. He brought a hand up to her clit and started rubbing them.

"It's safe today," Y/n tried to catch her breath. She was dangerously close now that Dazai had done his final trick.

Her back arched as she arrived at her second orgasm, a bit more intense than the first one. She could feel Dazai empty himself into her, his jaw clenched as he slowed down.

He collapsed into her arms, whimpering in satisfaction. "You feel so good, Y/n."

She was too breathless to speak, her legs were shaking and she was throbbing down there. Y/n was in ecstasy, but the exhaustion came crashing down quickly to her.

"I'll go get you water." Dazai stood up and took a box of tissues from the dresser to clean his member off before tucking it back inside his boxers. He then left the room.

He came back with a glass of water, and assisted Y/n to sit up.

She took the glass gratefully and began chugging down the water. She then placed the glass on the bedside table once she was done, trying to get her breathing right.

Both of them shared a smile as Dazai tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "You know I fucking love you, right?"

Y/n nodded. "And you love fucking me."

[chdarling-tle]

Hello! I just finished reading TLE1 so naturally I had to come gush about it into your inbox. First of all, I’m truly sorry, this is going to be long. With the story’s growing popularity I assume that you get a lot of messages and comments like this so I genuinely apologise for bothering you and don’t feel obliged to respond but I simply must try to express all my emotions. I wanted to thank you for the rollercoaster of emotions you’ve put me through over the last few days as I binged your 1/7

story. I’ve been reading Marauders fics for 14 years and I’m such a canon whore, I can’t even enjoy a good old AU anymore. Unique canon compliant fics are so scarce these days, so the fact that you managed to capture the Marauders & co’s characterisation and dynamic so accurately and perfectly while telling an utterly engaging and captivating story … I really have no words. BOWING DOWN TO YOU, QUEEN. I thought that no matter how many other fics I read, none of them can mend my TLAT 2/7

induced heartbreak over the lack of closure of that story, but I think I finally found a worthy successor. I’m rambling because I cannot coherently express how much I loved TLE. I was trying to explain to my very patient irl friends that what absolutely obliterates me about it is your inclusion of the small details and character moments from the books, and developing them into intricate plotlines and complex, nuanced character backstories. I just can’t get over how well you handled it. 3/7

I was making so many notes and highlights when reading TLE. And the clever little canon Easter eggs (“she hates me now!” ”nah, she doesn’t”, “you see the best in people even when the others don’t” and countless others), again, I have no WORDS. The way you handled Sirius and his family, Remus’s little furry problem, the prank, the fallout and Snape’s worst memory fitting it into JKR’s weird chronology of events... James’s anger at Snape, Snape’s anger at Lily, Sirius’s rage and resentment, 4/7

it all makes such perfect sense… don’t even get me started on the Animagi plotline… Sorry I can’t form coherent sentences, I’m basically clutching my pearls (if I had any) and shouting at my laptop. Your prose is beautiful, your attention to detail immensely appreciated and your characterisation absolutely spot on. All the plotlines flowed so naturally and have I mentioned how you managed to construct a whole fucking book around canon tidbits without any convoluted plotlines??? 5/7

AND THE FORESHADOWING. Like connecting Peter’s failed transformation with Hogwarts plumbing (lol) which will lead to the map making ahhhhh HOW ARE YOU SUCH A GENIUS. I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT to see what you do with the Map making process, invisibility cloak, JILY OMG!!!! You gave us such a cute crush and delicious angst already! And the war years, I bet you’ll annihilate anything left of my heart.What I’m trying to say I’m your massive fan and will be eagerly anticipating anything you write. 6/7

Thank you so so so so sooooo much for putting so much time and effort into this project, I truly cannot form into words how much it means to me and undoubtedly hundreds - if not thousands - of other fans of these characters. I’m sure this story will become huge in the fandom. SENDING ONLY LOVE, COOKIES, SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS YOUR WAY! <3 i'm so sorry for word vomiting this rant into your inbox 7/7

-------

ok I’m legit crying 😭😭😭😭

First of all, please do not feel the need to apologize for bothering me or for leaving a long message oh my goodness. This was truly the loveliest thing to read this evening. I SO appreciate you taking the time to not only read my story but share your thoughts and reactions with me!! I am thrilled that you enjoyed book one and I am very much looking forward to annihilating your heart in the future. 😉

Seriously, thank you for this incredibly kind message. I have been in Writer Despair Mode™ all week, so I can’t begin to describe how much opening Tumblr and finding these lovely messages means to me. You keep me going on days like today when I am debating just throwing my laptop into the pond and starting a new life… 😂

So much love to you ❤️❤️❤️

[wardenari]

3,5, and 7 for the writer asks!

Hey, hey -- remember that time you sent me an ask on Tumblr and then it just sat for months in my inbox. Yeah, I'm the worst!!!

Anyway, this is from this ask (cause whose gonna remember from back then LOL) Seriously, I need to get more on top of things!

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Usually I write front to back. If there's something REALLY stuck in my head, I'll write it out quickly in a draft and pull it back in to the story later/polish it up. But I've found if I have this thing in my fic I REALLY want to write -- leaving it unwritten until I get to that part of the story helps motivate me to keep writing. You know like "Ok Ari, write all this shit about the missions away from Skyhold so you can get to writing this couples declaration of their feelings!!"

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing

Cullen. Not because I didn't like him - I've been watching his journey since DAO and he's one of my faves. Just because I feel like SO MANY people have already written him, and better than I do (that's not me putting myself down it's me saying there's lots of REALLY talented writers in the DA fandom). Also felt like his story has just been told so many times in the DA fandom that like "What could I add to it?" But then I had this idea of him being with someone that already knows his demons (literally and figuratively ) so he never has to hide that part of himself for fear of rejection. And "Imperfect Timing" was born - which I also love cause seems like when he's paired with a HoF it's Amell, so having him with Cousland was just my own spin.

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write?

Well -- online with other DA fans, I'm excited. But in person, or with people I know in RL - I keep mum. It's not because of the fanfic part, but because of the sex/smut. Most people look down on that, or shame people for it. And where I live is the very edge of the Bible belt so people can be pretty conservative about sex anyway. And so my husband is the only person I know in Real Life (who isn't also part of the DA Fandom) that knows that I write fanfic.

Also, I know Manka will get this - but anyone else reading this - I'm not really beating myself up about not answering sooner. It's just sarcasm and self-deprecation is my "go to" for humor :D LOL

[mumblesplash]

[1/4] Oh don’t worry! You don’t come off as confrontational at all! 😊 And I totally agree that the whole “this villain/antagonist has a bad day or is super sad so you should excuse their actions” thing gets real old/annoying real fast in lots of media. That’s part of the reason why I personally see Vlad as *tragic* rather than *sympathetic*: because 9.9/10 times I DON’T sympathize with him; while everyone should get a shot at having genuine happiness in their lives, Vlad has NO claim or...

[2/4] right over Maddie’s or Danny’s affections “just because [blank]”. His problems and ultimate tragedy stem from his being, at the end of the day, his own worst enemy by being the bitter, entitled, envious old man that he is, and also from the fact that he just doesn’t seem to know better. And when I say “doesn’t seem to know better”, I do NOT mean that he is in any way naive or not understanding of how his actions weigh morally and how they affect others, because he very much IS (plus...

[3/4] that would be a form of sympathy-fishing, which is also something I really just don’t care for in media), but that he seems incapable of being or even seeing himself be better or take a better road in his life, which just so happens to be a POV that *he* has inflicted on *himself* in the first place. Anyways, I’m starting to ramble (sorry about clogging your inbox!) so I just wanted to say thanks for answering my question and please remember to take care of yourself both in general and...

[4/4] during this time. ((P.S. Don’t worry about having an unreasonable amount of opinions about this stuff; I’m the early-20-something-year-old who has a lot of feelings about a show that ended almost 13 years ago who decided to enter your inbox with this to begin with 🤣🤣🤣))

———

ahhh yeah ok i see what you mean, there’s definitely a big difference between ‘tragic’ and ‘sympathetic’. in the context of us, on this platform, talking about this show i’m not particularly bothered either way, but i do think there’s something to consider in that both of us are in our early 20s and know how to make that distinction, and dp was, originally, written for kids. 

children are smart, they’re more than capable of understanding complex characters and themes, but they’re also not (usually) practiced at separating their empathy from their morality, and i think there’s an extent to which creators of children’s media have a responsibility to account for that. (i’d draw a comparison with the way villains and redemption are dealt with in avatar the last airbender but it’s almost counterproductive to hold anything to *that* standard. i just finished atla yesterday and am having a lot of feelings about how much attention to detail the creators had and how much care they put into presenting complex issues in a way that *gains more meaning the older you are* but is accessible to your average gradeschooler (sorry i am SO bad at staying on topic uh where was i))

right so basically when i was in 7th grade and read harry potter to see what all the fuss was about, i fully bought into snape’s ‘redemption’ just because it made me sad for him, and now all these years later i feel vaguely betrayed by his whole character arc because he kinda sucks and almost none of the behaviors i forgave him for as a kid were excusable no matter what, and i can’t help but feel like it wouldn’t have killed jkr to, idk, show that even once after his ‘tragic backstory’ was revealed. considering this is the first example that comes to mind and also chronologically the earliest in my life, i think that’s where most of my feelings here originate. i just tend to reflexively bristle at any villain being given a tragic backstory in children’s media because of a resounding lack of trust in the adults writing them to respect their young audience enough to follow through. 

also thanks for the reminder to take care of myself, you too :) and never apologize to me for rambling, i’d be a huge hypocrite if i was bothered by that and besides i like receiving messages, even if i’m not great at responding in a timely manner 😬

[florencefallons]

Life and Stuff

August 10, 2020. The the first day of the most insane month of my life. Of course it would happen in 2020. I hope you’ll forgive me for using this platform as a means to get the thoughts jumbled around in my head out into a more organized form. I rarely ever even use this platform anymore. When I do, it’s to reblog pictures of Carol Burnett or Barbara Stanwyck. The occasional Emma Thompson photo. Never to sit down and spill out everything on my mind into what, very likely, will become a novella on its own.

I’m not a prolific speaker. I trip over my words. I say “um,” and “uh” a lot. My brain is moving at twice the speed of my mouth and my poor mouth can’t keep up. Therefore when I have things on my mind, like I do today, I can’t just talk about them. A) Who would I talk about it to? and B) Even if I had a place to talk about these thoughts, it would come out all jumbled up and I’d end up sounding totally ridiculous and having said nothing I wanted to actually say.

When it comes to expression, writing is where I’ve always excelled. Excelled is a strong word, but when you compare it to other forms of self expression, it’s the only form I am able to use proficiently. I don’t have a vlog or a youtube channel. I don’t have a blog that reaches people. I have no voice. No influence in this world. But I have this platform and it allows for posts like this, and for once, I’m going to use it.

As I said, August 10, 2020 was the first day of the most insane month of my life. More has happened to me in this one month span than has happened to me at any other time in my life...and you’re hearing from a person who was injured on the job and has had a fractured spine and 13 surgeries. I’ve been through some stuff. Nothing with the intensity and frequency this month has thrown it at me though. This month has resulted in seven major events that have deeply impacted my life in some way. Nobody is being forced to read this. In fact I expect most will see its length and scroll past it faster than a fundraising ad for Donald Trump. I do hope SOME of you will take the time to read it though. I’m mainly writing it for posterity. To have a place where this month is recorded, so I can come back someday and remember it. So, with that being said, here are the things that have happened (or are soon to happen) in this 1 month span. Listed in chronological order.

1) August 10, 2020. I was in my 2nd week of work at the new clinic our hospital opened. Working for the largest hospital and clinic system in the state, sometimes our clinics outgrow our ability to contain them. My job was in the neurology clinic. I worked as the nurse who took care of all the multiple sclerosis doctors and nurse practitioners, while answering all the patient questions, emails, and voicemails. We’re looking at about 2,500 patients on the generous side of the estimate. Needless to say, I was busy. It was said many times by coworkers, by the doctors I worked with, and--admittedly--by me, that the job was a two-person job. It was too much for one person to handle. I was drowning fast in a mountain of paperwork that needed to be filled out, messages that needed to be answered, phone calls that needed to be returned. I’d accomplish finishing, say 25% of the work, and 50% more work would come in. I was at the end of my rope. 

--Let me interject here by saying that, over the course of the 16 months I worked this job, I had to start seeing a psychiatrist, I had to start psychological therapy with a licensed therapist, and I was started on no less than 5 new psychiatric medications. Once the correct balance was found, I was reduced down to only 2, but regardless, I think this fact alone proves the point that the stress of the job was getting to me.--

I finally looked at the mountain of work in front of me and I broke. I set up a meeting with my boss, the director of nursing for all of the neuroscience service line (that covers 6 clinics). We met, and I told her “You told me to be open and honest, and to come to you whenever I have an issue.” She agreed. I went on to tell her that I was losing my mind. The workload was entirely too much to hold over one person and needed help. Desperately. I was constantly being interrupted by people needing help with this or that, which was fine. I don’t mind helping anyone, I love it...but it took away from the time I had to do my already overwhelming job. I may have cried some, I don’t remember. 

Her solution was probably the worst idea ever put forth, but I was so devastated and down and overwhelmed, I didn’t really even hear anything she said after I spoke my piece. Her suggestion was that, if our clinic was too hectic for me, I needed to transfer to the new clinic. It was an epilepsy clinic but we had 2 multiple sclerosis providers there too, so I could go there and be the MS nurse there. At that moment, that sounded like a great idea. Fewer people=less stress. Yeah, no. Once she sent me over there, she decided with me being there, they had no need to keep our patient care tech there. So she took her away and made her work at the main campus, where they have tons of patient care techs. That left me and another nurse who, due to a bad knee, did very little that tinvolved getting up off his ass and helping out with goings on in the clinic. He much preferred to sit in his fancy chair and delegate duties to me from there. I was younger, I was newer, and he was--in his mind--the charge nurse.

So, thus began the saga of my doing at the new clinic, the job that THREE DIFFERENT PEOPLE did at the main clinic. I was forced to triage (get into a patient room and go over everything to make sure it was up to date) every patient, draw labs on every patient, all while trying to do the job I was ACTUALLY hired for, which was answering phone calls and returning messages. Which was a full time job on its own. Needless to say, my “new’ duties took all that time away and all my stuff went unanswered. I kept getting harassed by patients and managers that stuff had been sitting waiting too long to be done. 

Mr. Charge nurse, from his chair he never left, didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. “It’s not that bad here” he’d say. Sure, if you never have to get up and do anything, but for me, it’s very hard. I have to do all the job of a PCT (getting paid nurses’ wages by the way) along with a job just as busy as the one you’re having to do. I’m expected to do as much if not more in the computer as you do, yet I never have time to touch it because I’m always triaging patients (half of which are YOURS) and drawing all the labs. Well of course he disagreed and said he helped and I was overreacting. By that he means he maybe got up once or twice a day because someone needed attention and I was still busy in another patient’s room.  My boss would berate me, asking why my inbox was sitting there so full and nothing was being done. 

“WHEN DO YOU WANT ME TO DO THESE THINGS *Insert her name here*??? I spend my entire day, I mean my ENTIRE day, doing the job of a PCT and you’re paying me to do the job of an RN. “Well, *insert his name* says he helps you.” That’s a damn lie and he knows it. He thinks that he’s the charge nurse, he’s older, and he has a bum knee (mind you I have my entire lower half of my spine fused so don’t give me that “I have hardware in my knee” bullshit. I’m full of titanium too. Fight me.) Well, help was refused, the other nurse was just told to try and help more and that he was not the charge nurse, that our clinic didn’t HAVE a charge nurse since there were only 2 of us. Well, he got so butthurt over that, he interviewed for a new job in the same building as our main clinic. He was offered the job. He was getting ready to give his notice and I was literally at the end of my sanity. So I turned in my notice to my manager on August 10, 2020. I told her I couldn’t keep doing the job of 3 people by myself and it was too much I was through. My doctors begged me to stay. She asked if I was sure that’s what I wanted. I said it wasn’t what I WANTED, but I can’t keep working like this. So I really don’t have a choice. “Well we don’t have the staff or money allocated to give you a tech if you’re over here.” So I shrugged, said I was giving her 4 weeks notice and I’d have to leave.

This was a Monday. On Wednesday, she came back and not only gave our tech back, she gave (*insert his name here*) everything he wanted, because she’d caught wind he was getting ready to leave too and she’d have no nurses at the clinic. I told her I’d retract my resignation if she would let us keep our patient care tech, because with her, I have time to actually do my job. She all but said “OK” and to give her a definite answer on Monday. So I did. Monday I told her I’d stay since we had adequate help. Well apparently she discussed thsi with her boss and came back at me with “Sorry, but all we can accommodate is an as needed position or you can extend your leave date and stay on full time until your replacement is hired and you can train them to make the transition easier.”

Are you freaking serious, bruh? “As needed” meaning “free reign to fire you with no consequences when we don’t want you anymore, plus all my benefits would be taken away.” Or, I could “stay and help train my replacement.” Are you out of your mind? Then what? Fuck off into the sunset, your job here is finished? I think I’ll take a hard pass on both those options. My last day will be September 4.

So, while going through all this I was being tested and was diagnosed with not one, but two life-altering disorders.

2) First, I was diagnosed with severe attention deficit disorder. I was told I’d actually had it my whole life based on testing and had never been evaluated or treated. This would have been the 1990s when this started, and I found out my parents were approached about the possibility I had ADD. I made excellent grades, but had major problems with impulse control and talking too much and paying attention. My parents dismissed this suggestion. They did not--and to this day still did not--believe ADD was a real diagnosis. They said ti was nothing more than kids who needed their asses beat and they’d learn to behave. I could not possibly be one of those hyperactive kids who suck in school and just all-around do poorly. I did too well in school. I was told to pay attention more and stop goofing off. I was threatened with spankings if I messed up. So I worked really hard to stop my impulses from taking over. And I did, some, but not always. I got punished quite a bit for things I did in school. Not on purpose, but it’s how I was. And now, as an adult, I was still struggling with impusle control and with paying attention. I still struggled in prioritizing tasks and organizing things. I could never figure out why my brain wouldn’t let me do those things. My PCP said I had ADD--he KNEW it--but I had to be diagnosed by a licensed psychotherapist. So I went and was diagnosed. And it changed my world. It was a lot to process, knowing what I went through as a kid and knowing the punishment I went through for something that was not my fault. I wasn’t abused, I wasn’t mistreated. If I’d been treated for ADD as a child though, I might not have just done well in school, I might have kicked ass. I might have been valedictorian rather than 6th in class to graduate. That was hard to swallow. Yet a relief at the same time.

3) Went to the sleep clinic and got a take-home sleep apnea study kit. It came back positive for sleep apnea. My oxygen was dropping to 70% at night, which is basically hypoxic, and the reason I’m probably so sleepy all the damn time. As soon as I get home from work and get settled, I fall asleep for at least an hour, maybe 2. I haven’t always done that. I used to have trouble sleeping to the point I needed Lunesta for help (although the taste was so bad I rarely took it).Sure enough, I need CPAP when I sleep to help keep my oxygen over 92%. They told me I’d feel better almost instantly. So I’m hoping to go see them next week about getting my machine. 

4) My friend’s little 4-year-old niece died. She was a special, miracle child who touched so many lives it’s insane. She was a beautiful soul. I never met her but her death affected me profoundly because her aunt posted so many photos and videos online. I felt like I lost one of my godchildren or something. It hurt. I can’t imagine what they are going through.

5) My uncle Jerry died. The day after the little girl I just mentioned. I can’t even attend HIS funeral due to COVID and the risk of contamination. My mom is  on a chemo drug for an autoimmune disease that destroys her immune system. So we’re trapped away from everyone (if I want to see my mom that is). 

6) My last day of my job was today, September 4, 2020. It finally came, my time there is done. 16 months of hard work down the toilet. Because of poor management, shitty leadership, lack of care or respect for employees, etc. I offered to stay, but my offer was rejected as it was given. It just served to remind me I made the right decision, even if it was a bit rash. Several others have quit or gotten fired so staffing will be interesting. My old “charge nurse” is about to learn what getting off your broad butt and helping is all about now. They aren’t sending him ANY nurses to help him next week. I’ll be honest, I hope the whole thing blows up in (insert name here)’s (my director’s) face. she is trying to run the neuro clinic like she runs her other clinic--which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT. I thought she’d be good for the clinic, turns out she wants to get rikd of EVREYONE who has FMLA-Anyone who has permission to be off work without fear of repercussions. She wants a bunch of “as needed” staff so she doesn’t have to hire full time people, she doesn’t have to pay anyone benefits, and she can get rid of them whenever she likes “your as needed position is no longer needed,” without going through all the bullcrap red tape the state puts you through to fire anyone. Anyway, bottom line, today was my last day at a job that--the job itself--I loved. The patients I loved, the doctors and nurses I loved, and my coworkers I loved. I have never left a job I loved. It was 100% management. My main doctor, the medical director of the service line, did not want me to leave and keeps asking me to say. I had to explain to him I tried, but they refused. Broke my heart. He’d take me back in a minute though, if the situation at the clinic ever changes. I hope it does. He was the most brilliant, kind, generous, respectful, patient, and dedicated man I’ve ever met. He taught me a lot. I’ll take a lot of what I learned from him with me wherever I go.

7) The final thing has not happened just yet, but it will be very soon and I’m already dealing with it. So September 7 is the 1 year anniversary of the death of my best friend. I still miss her like it was yesterday. Time has, as they say, healed some of the wound, but not all. Every now and then I get slammed with the realization she’s gone. I’ll never see her again. Talk to her. Hug her. Laugh with her. Ever. Again. And I cry and suffer with it all over again. That is happening less frequently, but it has picked up again now that 1 year is approaching. I can’t believe it. My best friend has been dead for 1 year. The 1 year anniversary of the last time we spoke was August 20. It hurts so much. But slowly, over this year, I’ve started dreading getting up in the morning a little less, I can breathe again, a little. I can laugh again without feeling guilty about it. I’ve finally hit all the 1 year milestones with her death (well, as of 9/7). I’m going to her grave this weekend to place some special things I purchased in honor of her 1 year anniversary since her passing. Damn I miss her so much.

So, this month--this whole year technically--has been a lot to process. A lot to find out, a lot to digest, and a lot to grieve through. I keep thinking “it can’t possibly get any worse, maybe things will get better now” and it always does. That trend for 2020 doesn’t bode well with the election coming up. That makes me so nervous I feel sick. But I refuse to get political here. If you’ve stayed with it this far, you have tremendous stamina and I salute you. It’s taken me hours and several breaks to write thanks to my ADD and just being sleepy and falling asleep in the middle of typing. But that’s it, my month inside the year straight out of hell.