#They blame me for my conditions and fear

[7emperance]

i am going to kill myself

[ame-to-ame]

love being nd and have the tism wolf Inside me be so drastically uncomfortable with uncertainty that i physically cannot think about school and having to deal w the unknown of that whole situation without losing 5lbs in 2 days

[alittleemo]

i loveee saying oh you should trust your friends oh you should ask them for help and then they say would you wake me up if you needed to go to the hospital and im like. Absolutely not.

[deepspace-scenarios]

[scenario/drabble] Resonance and first-aid

Summary: LIs react when they accidentally injure you during orbital trials- you brush it off, but you soon realise it makes them confront fears and their past. (All ends well, just with some fretting and worrying because the LIs have a very soft spot for you</3)

Genre: Fluff, hurt/comfort, mentions of injury (non-graphic), vague references to myths.

SYLUS

Most of the time, resonance is easy to achieve with Sylus. The familiar surge of energy ripples through you, and a powerful wave rushes towards the charging Wanderer.

And then something hits. You feel yourself getting knocked back several feet, a feeling of burning, twisting pain coursing through you. It's not even the ball of energy itself- just tendrils of black and red, gone astray.

The Wanderer dissolves into embers, its skeletal wings crumbling to ash. Sylus dusts off his hands, the red-black mist fading from his fingertips- until he sees you wince while sheathing your sword.

"Let me see." His voice is almost unnervingly calm, devoid of his typical casual smugness after victory.

You press a hand to the darkening bruise at your waist. "Just a bruise. Some ointment can fix it."

His fingers twitch. For a man who thrives on control, the mistake is unacceptable.

"Sylus," you murmur, catching his wrist. "It’s fine."

His jaw clenches. Somewhere in his ancient, draconic memories, he was doomed with a fate where his lover would be far from fine.

You pry open his closed fist and kiss his palm, breaking the spiral. "I won't get upset over a small accident. And you can patch me up, handsome.”

He shuts his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose,

“Kitten,”

You decide to tease him- surely a little distraction wouldn't hurt. “Besides… it's not the first time you've left bruises on my skin."

His laugh is rough, but he pulls you close, his touch too gentle.

“I only take pleasure when I leave marks on you intentionally,” he murmurs, his hand trailing down your arm and settling on your elbow. “I hate the very idea of causing you pain,”

His gaze burns with an intense mix of raw, unfiltered pain- something that runs deeper than his strength and power. You reach up to stroke his cheek in consolation, eliciting a soft exhale from him as he leans into your touch.

“At least now I know how powerful your Evol is during battle,” you say with a small smile.

“Is this… your coping mechanism, sweetie? You've been doing nothing but flirting with me,” He asks dryly.

“I'm showing you there's no need to blame yourse- agh!”

Your world tilts as he sweeps you into his arms, carrying you. Mist swirls into a thick cloak, and you're back at his home in a blink.

He doesn't let you lift a single finger until he's sure your condition is stable, and until your bruise is dressed with sterile gauze above a thick layer of ointment.

“I called in sick for you,” he announces as he joins you under the covers, his warmth seeping into the shared space instantly. “You're not leaving until you're in a better condition,”

“Or what? You're gonna tie me to the bed?”

“You sound too excited for that sort of thing, kitten.”

Little did you know, he's already cleared his entire night's schedule to watch over you as you rest, the weight in his chest lifting ever so slightly when he witnesses you sleeping peacefully until the first light of dawn filters through the curtains.

_____

ZAYNE

The Wanderer’s firey breath comes from behind- Zayne reacts instantly, ice erupting in a shield. But the frost spreads, searing your back with cold. Your knees almost buckle, but you force yourself to turn and grab Zayne to resonate with him- the Wanderer dissipates, splintering into embers in the air.

Before you can fall, Zayne catches you.

"Don’t move," he orders. His usual clinical tone is too sharp, his breaths too measured.

You know why. The nightmares where he loses control- where you freeze under his hands.

"Zayne," you say softly, reaching for his hand. "Look at me, love. I’m here. I'm not going anywhere."

His fingers tremble.

"I know," he grits out, then steadies himself with another measured inhale-exhale. “Let me inspect the injury,”

You recognise this Zayne- right now, he's a combat medic, moving almost with tunnel vision to assess, diagnose and treat. You tug at the zipper of your gear, trying to shrug off the material to let him access the wound properly.

His hands stop you, “Don't make unnecessary movements. Allow me to do it instead,”

You nod, feeling your cheeks grow warm as the fabric is removed - then draped modestly across your front again.

"Minor second-degree," he mutters, noting the reddened areas with faint swelling. "No necrosis. Fortunate.”

Once he rushes you home, he fills a basin with lukewarm water and adds a mild antiseptic before dabbing at the wound. You tense from the sensation, and Zayne pauses.

“On a scale of one to ten, how badly does it hurt?” He asks, voice almost stern.

You gnaw at your lip, knowing not to hide your pain from him. It'll only deepen his guilt.

So you ramble, trying to be a compliant patient for him. “Maybe… about six? Six point five? But keep going, I don't think I'll deteriorate. The antiseptic feels strange- prickly, but nothing too bad.”

He exhales quietly behind you, and you feel the warm, damp cotton dab lightly onto your skin again.

He's never talkative, but the silence is heavy with a dense web of tangled emotions that had you scrambling for ways to lessen the weight on Zayne's shoulders.

“Dr. Zayne? I have a question.” You begin.

His hand pauses yet again, but he quickly recovers. “Hm?”

“Will it be safe for me to give hugs after this treatment?”

You hear him swallow audibly, and he lets out a short sigh- the kind that's stuck between exasperation and amusement.

“If you move slowly and take extra care, then yes, you may. But cease any movement that causes the slightest discomfort,”

He bandages you like you’re glass.

Later on, you hug him, long enough to feel the tension ease just the slightest.

Nothing verbal can comfort him right now- no reassurances, no saccharine words- you know it all just gets pushed aside by the persistent, haunting nightmares that he has.

He doesn't move, doesn't try to reject the hug- and you know this is him telling you how much he needs this. So you wait, with your arms wrapped around his torso and your face pressed to his chest.

Seconds turn into minutes- then you feel the gentle, hesitant presence of his hand as he cradles the back of your head gingerly. You hug him tighter.

Your warmth and your heartbeat is enough to let him know- you're safe, and this is not a dream, and that you love him all the same.

_____

RAFAYEL

Your shoulder burns where Rafayel’s dagger grazes you- a misaimed throw meant for the Wanderer. The pain gets masked by adrenaline, but you can feel the difference when you move.

Rafayel doesn't notice the sluggishness in your movements just yet, the way you push yourself to keep up with him, hiding the crimson of your clothes within the chaotic blur of battle.

His dance is deadly and alluring, with flashes of his blade and twisting flames sending the Wanderer hurtling backwards.

It is only after the Wanderer bursts into fragments of ash and lingering crackles of energy, when he gasps.

"Don’t-" He’s there in an instant, hands hovering. No theatrics. No jokes. Just agitation.

You’ve never seen him like this.

"Raf, it’s just an accident-"

"No." His voice cracks. Eight hundred years ago, he inflicted a fatal wound- one he has never forgiven himself for.

He doesn't speak the entire way home, and dresses the cut with uncharacteristic silence, his fingers lingering as you sit and watch him work.

"You’re never, ever allowed to bleed for me again," he whispers when he's done, kneeling in front of you on the sofa like he's praying for forgiveness.

You cup his face, looking into his eyes- blue, pink, purple- flooded with an intense guilt that has you lost in the melacholy depths until you're blinking back tears yourself.

"Hey, accidents happen," You say softly, "-and I'm fine. So stop looking so guilty, fishie."

His laugh is watery, but he kisses your palm- like he’s reminding himself you’re real, and safe.

“C'mon, Raf. Please?” You ask, unsure of what you're requesting- for him to look less devastated? For him to trust you as his bodyguard?

He makes a muffled noise, avoiding your gaze now. “I hurt you, and I can't even hug you now because that's gonna make you bleed-”

You poke his cheek, hoping it draws him out from his gloomy state.

“Just because you're my bodyguard doesn't mean you can endanger yourself,” he pouts, gently taking your hands and moving them to his chest.

He lets out a shaky sigh. “Just- stay with me for a while longer.”

Later, he maneuvers you until your legs are draped sideways across his lap, and he holds you like the dearest treasure he's ever found.

(He tells you that your bodyguard duties are off for the next two months. “You're just my cutie now, Miss Bodyguard can go hibernate,” he declares.)

_____

XAVIER

Xavier’s sword swings wide as he leaps to deliver the finishing blow. There's a rare misjudgment- and it nicks your calf.

He moves in a blur, and returns to your side before the remnants of the Wanderer disappear.

"We're going to the clinic," he says, sheathing his blade. Before you can protest, he’s lifting you into his arms.

"Xavier! I can walk-"

"Apologies aren't genuine without action," His grip tightens as he looks down at you, his eyes carrying the depth of stars lost to supernovas, and a rawness so far from his usual tenderness and calm that makes your breath stutter.

At your embarrassed squirming, his brows crease. "Are you rejecting my apology?"

You huff, thinking of showing up at the Hunter's clinic in his arms. "No- you’ll- you might get tired."

He holds you with soft desperation, careful yet with a grip tight like he fears you would slip between his fingers like stardust.

"My dear partner, this is the least I can do,” he says, voice wavering. “Now hold tight, we're taking a shortcut-”

Once your wound is dressed at the clinic and you are tucked into bed- he finally, finally allows himself to unravel and apologize to you, over and over again in hushed whispers.

He only stops when you press your lips to his, his eyes widening before he embraces you, exhaling a shaky breath.

His arms remain around you until you two fall asleep, with the moon bearing witness to his silent promise of everlasting protection over you.

______

CALEB

Caleb's gun kicks back harder than expected after resonating, and he slams into you.

You throw your arm out instinctively to break the fall, but the impact still sends you both crashing to the ground.

There's a tearing pain in your shoulder, and your breath is knocked straight out of you upon impact, leaving you dazed as you watch the crumbling Wanderer scatter in the wind.

"Oh, shit," Caleb's up instantly, scanning for injuries. "You alright, pips?"

You shift, forcing yourself to sit up despite the burn in your shoulder. "Just a strain.”

But he sees the way you wince, and his jaw is set. The man who vowed you’d always be safe at his side just failed.

"Caleb," you sigh, moving to pick up your weapon. “I'm fine, I swear,”

Caleb stops you, an arm hooking around your waist from behind as he makes the weapon float back to you instead.

"Major threat was eliminated. We're safe." You protest at his sudden surge of protectiveness, catching the gun.

His laugh is rough, frayed with a sort of mirthless desperation that wrenches through you harder than moving your injured shoulder.

“We're safe,” he begins, echoing you, “but you're staying with me to get your injury checked.”

Later, he sits you on the kitchen stool to inspect the injury with meticulous precision.

“Don't bite your lips so hard,” he orders, stopping his inspection and handing you a few unwrapped Hi-Chew candies of all things. “Have these instead,”

You hum, popping the tiny eraser-shaped candies into your mouth and letting the fruity, chewy sweetness dull the pain.

When Caleb puts anti-inflammatory cream on your shoulders, you feel his touch linger.

"I'll do better next time. I'm not letting anything hurt you, Pips. And don't even think about doing any work- you'll be resting under my watch this week.”

Note: Pls protect Zayne and Rafayel poor bbs going through all that in the recnt updates make me so :(((( i love them ALSO this piece was inspired by an ask from an anon reader. thanks for reading <333

Click here for the opposite scenario

[yandere-wishes]

What would Capitano do if reader gets a very bad cold after they try to escape him?

⋆⁺₊❅. This reminds me of the scene where Belle tries to escape from the Beast in the snowstorm.

⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅• •❆ ₊⋆⋆꙳•❅•

✧ He drags you back indignantly, armor-clad fingers digging fervently into your forearm. He longs to sink his metal hands into your silky hair, to weave and pull and make you feel a fraction of his pain.

✧ He's slow to notice your sniffling and paling face. Too busy swallowing down his rage, snuffing out fires in favor of earning your love once more. It's only when you faint, falling tenderly into his arms like the first snowflake of winter. That he notices your condition. The deadly shade of rose blushing your swollen cheeks, the sheen of sweat glistening along your sweet face. He pulls you to his chest cradling your body all so gently fearing the worst. Pricking his tongue with patronymic orison to the Tsaritsa.

✧ He's quick to rush you to his chambers, laying you tentatively upon his velvety bed and tracing his icy gauntlet upon your temples in hopes of decelerating the pyrexia. The syllables of each word cut his throat as he barks out orders to the maids. Call upon Dottore, call upon aide...

✧ He blames himself, letting the guilt gnaw at his heart as he stares outside at the blizzard. He should have been more careful, should have kept you closer. His mission had ended early and upon his return he'd found you running through the snow. His castle a distant silhouette upon the dark horizon. He'd been so angry in the moment. So heartbroken that you would do such a treacherous thing in his absence that he'd pointed his sword at your neck and forced you to mount onto his horse. Looking back he should have noticed the dazed look in your eyes, noticed the way your body slumped against his during the ride home.

✧ Capitano loves you, utterly, wholly. But his heart shatters every time you do not reincorporate his desperate feelings.

✧ Why must love sting, greater than any cut from any weapon?

✧ When Dottore arrives and tends to you. Capitano stands in the background like a shroud. Eyes never once leave your fragile frame. He longs to reach out and touch you. To lay beside you and have you rest your weary head upon his chest. He wants you to hear his heartbeat, have it haunt your dreams in hopes you'll follow the rhyme back to him.

✧ Dottore instructs Capitano to feed you plenty of liquids and soups upon your awakening. You keep ice clothes at hand and make sure you don't strain yourself. Once the doctor leaves Capitano removes his helmet, slowly crawling next to you. Peppering your face with tender kisses.

✧ "Forgive me, my love"

✧ You revive during the ungodly hours, eyes parting to see the moon rays adorning your capturer's scared face. Perhaps it's the delirium. But you have to admit that he looks so gorgeous with this particular shade of desperation painted across his face. Your lips gently brush his lips as you cuddle closer to the man who stole your life away.

[autemis]

I just restarted KCD2 and now, with the knowledge of what will happen, something has picked my interest...

(and of course, it's about hansry again!)

The scene, after Henry falls down the cliff and is carried through the woods by Hans, is very interesting. Henry starts to hallucinate (Idk if it’s because of the fall, the pain, the bleeding wound or all combined) about the most traumatic moment in his still young life - the fall of his home and the death of his parents. He has to relive all these gruesome memories once again - all the deaths and horrible things he had to witness, like the slaughtering of his own parents... The life he only knew was taken away from him in a mere minutes-long bloodbath and all of this he had to see once again in front of his inner eye - with just one little difference: Hans.

With Henry babbling in pain because of his trauma, Hans is there and always tries to shield these memories away - tries to break the cycle. He constantly tries to bring Henry back to reality - telling him that he is not alone, that he doesn’t have to be scared and that everything is alright. He also tries to counter the blame Henry places on himself. When Henry says that he betrayed his parents, Hans reminds him that he never had done this to him.

He chooses to never talk about a hypothetical third person - he just speaks about himself. Henry never let him down. He is there for Henry. They can do this together. Hans provides Henry with an anchor - something he can really feel and see, because Hans is right there. That’s nothing to hallucinate about, it’s something undeniable and that’s exactly what Henry needs in this moment because of his condition. Something real, something he can hold on, so he doesn’t lose himself in this nightmare.

Hans is like Henry’s lifeboat in this situation. He not only carries him physically but also mentally through this life-or-death situation. He is the reason why Henry isn’t losing himself and makes it through the night. And not just that, he also shows Henry a different ending to this gruesome day.

Originally, Henry had to leave everything behind - to flee - scared and alone. But this time, Hans was there. He didn’t lose him and he wasn’t alone - they made it together. Even if everything else was lost, they still have each other. This alone will give them a reason to live through tomorrow and many days beyond - to look forward.

And right there, a light is shining through Henry’s dark dream - breaking the hallucination and leading him back to reality. The whole scene where they see the light in the distance is very beautiful, because for Henry, there is not just the real shine from the cabin, it’s also Hans. His acknowledgment of "the light" is not just related to the light in the distance, it’s also Hans - he is the light that leads him out of these bad memories - back to reality. Where he isn’t alone anymore and hope will shine even through the darkest night.

If you think about it, the "heart" options were never flirty. They aren't flattering compliments or smug comments - they are statements. Henry talks about real emotions and fears here. "I'm worried for you", "I care about you", "I think we didn't talk enough" - Henry doesn't want to flatter Hans, he isn't even thinking about that. Tbh, I would say he doesn't even intend for a single second to be "romantic" with Hans. Everything he says is not because he wants to flirt - he is just honest. Those are Henry's real emotions, we chose here.

Something was starting to hit me there—especially after Henry awakened the next day. The first thing he wanted to know from the strange woman he had never seen before in his life, who could potentially be an enemy, was: "What is with Hans?", "Will he make it?", "Will you help him?" He wasn't worried about himself or even aware of his own pain at first, until he was sure about what happened to Hans. Even after he realized and felt that his own body was in bad condition, he got up to help his friend. That's when I started to realize that Hans's romance didn't begin with the choice of the first heart option—because there was never a way for the player to influence the development of emotions or to stop them. They were already there, and the only decision we were allowed to make was whether to give Hans the courage to show them openly in the end and for Henry to understand them.

The other options are mostly jokes or "don't worry" comments - things he says to hide his own fears or to brush off a situation. Statements like "oh come on, just stop talking and move on" don't sound like Henry at all. Henry is caring and nice, he is helpful and always tries to be fair. He fights with his own demons, but he will always put himself aside to fight for someone else's rights. He can be a bit foolish, but he wants to learn as much as possible and listen to people's stories.

For me, it looks like the only "real" romance option is the last one. And even there, it's not about the first interaction or the first kiss - these goes straight to Hans. But he wouldn't have done it without our help to ensure Henry stays true to himself, his emotions, and Hans. What we choose as players is not to romance Hans, we choose for Henry to realize the true nature of his own feelings.

When he pulls away from the first kiss and takes a few steps back, you can see his confusion. He isn't disgusted or angry, he isn't even scared about "the sin" they just committed. He is just confused because we helped him realize why he did all those things. None of what Henry ever said to Hans was smug or even particularly romantic, he just always spoke the truth. He spoke from his heart about things he genuinely felt and it didn't feel specifically romantic because they were just honest emotions. Henry never worried about what he said - he never feared hiding his feelings because it felt natural to talk this way to Hans. There was never a reason to hide anything.

Henry wears his heart on his sleeve whenever he talking with Hans and that's why he just now realizes what all of this means - for Hans, for himself, for both of them and their future. Only then our choices take effect, only then does Henry kiss Hans and follow his feelings. I wouldn't say that, at this point, he fully understands what this is between them, but he is willing to follow this path. He isn't disgusted or afraid, he expects whatever this new, clearer situation is - even if he can't put a name to it yet. He wants to continue and follow his heart, he isn't running away, which is something Henry always reminds himself and others not to do. He will never run away again and he isn't doing it now or in the future. Whatever comes next, Henry is willing to face it because there is nothing to regret. He didn't run away, he was honest and he wanted this - even if he just now realizes it.

Just a little random note for the end, that I think is very interesting: Hans's romance is not a side quest, it's completely intertwined with the main campaign. Every important decision Henry made with him took place in the main quest. Sure, you sometimes didn't necessarily have to speak to him, but the dialogues still occurred during main events. For example, during the robbery - you don't have to talk to Hans, but the dialogue happens there.

In contrast, with Katherine or Rosa, you have to do some side activities, which makes their stories feel more excluded. Hans's romance is part of the main story, which really gives this route a more canon-vibe than the girls' romances.

[scifibabee]

hey, ya girl had a breakthrough in therapy. who wants to journal with me?

and to be so clear: this is a very nuanced topic, and is based on me and my experience, not saying this is true for all autistics (i'd hope that'd go without saying, but. covering my ass, anyway).

---

the autistic trauma of moral vigilance

aka: being raised in a world where your natural way of being was read as wrong

here we go, folks!

1. every mistake was magnified

when you're autistic, your “errors” don’t get interpreted as oops.

they get interpreted as defiance, disrespect, or dysfunction.

you didn’t make eye contact? you’re rude.

you didn’t answer fast enough? you’re ignoring me.

you asked too many clarifying questions? you’re challenging me.

you didn’t mask your overwhelm? you’re overreacting.

so your body learns:

“if i’m not constantly vigilant about how i show up, i’ll be seen as bad.”

2. masking becomes morality

you didn’t just mask to fit in. you masked to be perceived as a good person.

you learned to suppress natural behaviors—stimming, directness, emotional honesty, tone mismatches—because they weren’t just “weird,” they were interpreted as rude, insensitive, selfish, inappropriate.

and over time?

you stopped being able to tell the difference between what’s wrong and what’s just not neurotypical. you started assuming everything that caused friction was your fault.

so you worked harder and harder to appear morally polished, socially fluent, emotionally tidy. even when it was costing you your nervous system.

3. repair was conditional — and rarely initiated by others

when you’re autistic and raised in a neurotypical environment, you’re almost always the one expected to adjust.

so when a rupture happened?

you were expected to apologize first

you were expected to explain yourself

you were expected to take responsibility for “miscommunications” — even when the other person didn’t meet you halfway

this teaches your brain: “if i don’t preemptively take the blame, i’ll be punished — or worse, completely misunderstood.”

so you spiral not because you were wrong, but because you fear what will happen if someone else decides you were.

4. black-and-white morality became your structure for survival

because when the rules are unclear and inconsistent, when neurotypical norms feel like quicksand, your brain builds rigid systems to try and feel safe.

so you cling to moral absolutes:

“good people don’t yell.”

“if i’m right, i must be calm.”

“if i mess up, it means i was selfish.”

“if i’m hurtful, i’m dangerous.”

you make yourself small, soft, and passive because god forbid anyone see your real emotional intensity and call it wrong.

again.

---

anyway, gonna be screaming the mantras

REGULATION IS NOT A MORAL REQUIREMENT

and

MY BODY IS NOT ON TRIAL

until they hopefully stick.

[neodymiumcuilz]

HELP A FAMILY IN 🍉🍉

"I am very sad because the campaign is going slowly, and I want to reach the goal, which is to reunite my family, get out of Gaza, and live in peace and security.

My children are not to blame for all of this They are visionary children. 😞💔🍉 Life in the tent is very difficult. No one can imagine how we spend the day in the tent. It is a very difficult life. Look at the innocence of my children, yousef and Malak. "

Hello everyone, please listen to the words of @yousefhasan55 who has reached out to me asking for help.

My friends, the people of Gaza are just like you and I, yet they are forced against harsh conditions and have been deprived of their basic needs. The ceasefire has not ended their hardships, but opened a new shaped of suffering. The cost of living is so high a bag of flour can cost up to $300, how are they mean to provide food, water, shelter, medicine or clothes while building a future for themselves? They are in urgent need of your donation, for inncont children, children who deserve a good life, a stable and healthy living environment, they deserve a good life where they are safe and not in constant fear.

Donations are crucial and needed, they are greatly appreciated and fo a long way, it goes towards two children who need it. Their campaign is going slowly and even 1$ can count. Any contributions will make a difference. What may seem small to you is huge to them, and their lifeline. Please be a beam of hope, please take what action you can, it is needed. Thank you!

Please visit @yousefhasan55 and share the account, interact with the posts, share the campaign and get the word out, get this story heard and help improve the lives of innocent children.

[illyrianshadow]

Lost in shadows (pt I)

Azriel x Reader

Hey lovelies. I have not written fanfiction in years but I’ve really been enjoying all the amazing stories on here and thought I’d join in the fun. Any feedback welcome.

Ps if you have any writing requests please let me know, I really want to get back into the swing of things so practice might help!

Pps English is not my first language

Summary: After centuries apart, you see him again — Azriel, the boy who once kept you safe in the shadows of Windhaven.

But now he's a stranger and you’re left wondering: does he remember? And is your connection, fated or forgotten, still strong enough to bring you together?

Warnings: none for now but future angst and potential smut in future chapters

Part 2

———————

Your eyes keep drifting to the Illyrian male a few tables away from you as you take small sips from your drink.

You’ve been watching him all night.

He‘s grown tall, his massive wings taking up most of the little booth he’s sitting in, but it’s undeniably him.

Azriel, Az, your “Azzie”.

He looks strong, intimidating, so different from the little boy you had once trusted more than anything in the world.

He didn’t notice you, or if he did, he hadn’t recognised you. You didn’t blame him.

You hadn’t seen each other in what must have been over 500 years. He should be nothing but a distant childhood memory, but you’d never been able to forget.

Not him.

He was 11 years old when you met, you’d only just turned 10 the week before.

Both of you were hiding in the forest around Windhaven. You from your father, he from the unaccepting and violent Illyrian males.

The forest had become a place you ran off to regularly when your father became violent. It drowned out the sounds of the camp and steadied your nerves.

You’d barely spotted him at first.

Azriel was surrounded by shadows that seemed to calm as soon as you stepped close. His tired eyes showed a slight hint of fear, but he had smiled at you reluctantly. His shadows seemed to whisper something to him, something that made you earn his trust.

You normally didn’t come close to any of the Illyrian boys your age but something about the lost looking boy in front of you drew you in. He seemed so different from the ones you’d grown up with.

You asked if you could join his hiding spot and he smiled at you reluctantly before moving over, making space for you to sit down beside him. His shadows immediately engulfed the both of you and the feeling of them made you giggle.

Against all of your instincts he made you feel safe. He steadied you the same way the forest did.

You became inseparable after that first meeting, sneaking out to your joined hiding place at every opportunity. Small laughs escaped your lips as you told each other jokes, and later, your deepest secrets.

You watched him grow in confidence, you were his biggest supporter when he learned how to fly and you beamed with pride when he told you stories about his newfound brothers.

He was your safety net, an escape from the brutal conditions of the camp and one of the only Illyrian males you’d ever trusted.

No one really knew about your friendship. It wasn’t safe. Your father would never approve of you hanging around with someone like Azriel. A bastard unworthy of being trained among what your father referred to as “pureblood Illyrian warriors”.

For 8 years he was your closest friend, your best kept secret. Leaving him behind was the hardest thing you ever had to do.

And now he was here.

[morallygreychaoticneutral]

Astarion doesn't ask for affection because he can't..... yet.

Ah, more tea steeping in this seeming endless sea of thoughts. This brew is a bit strong on the heart. Read with caution.

Warning for game spoilers and talk of abuse.

This perspective is from game content only. How anybody cannons their relationships or behaviors is perfectly right. No blame, no shame, it's your game.

I was always miffed at the lack of initiated affection from Astarion as a partner. YOU ask him for a kiss. YOU ask him for a hug. YOU ask him to tell you thank you after being an amazing partner and killing a massive beastie just for him! Brat...

But then I had a sudden realization. Given his past, affection is probably insanely hard to ask for. Like it can be for a lot of us.

Stay awhile and listen. (nerd)

Now when I speak of narcissistic abuse I am only speaking from what I know about it. I have no academic or phycology degree on the matter. Just good ol' tossed in the pond and forced to sink or swim experience.

Astarion spent 200 years under the crushing weight of narcissistic / psychopathic abuse. One of the things these types of abusers love to do is take what you love and make you hate it and then make you hate yourself for ever having liked it to begin with. All very nasty business that. But it's one of the main corner stones for the cage they build to control you.

They make you feel as if the request of a simple hug is the most pathetic thing you could ask for. Or the most selfish thing as it inconveniences them. They don't want it, why should they give it to you?

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

200 years with a master who used him like a tool. 200 years with siblings that fought amongst each other so much comfort was a liability. Nights coming home assaulted only to be mocked for your tears. Insulted for your need of comfort.

"Pathetic! Weak! Disgusting! "

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Affection was nowhere to be found there, I assure you.

And for a Narc. anything given is expected to be "earned" in any way they see fit. And if you were "rewarded" with anything, it comes at high price.

And how dare you not find it fair. You ingrate!

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue..

Hugs are pathetic. Kisses are an intrusion. Or they become gateways to other unwanted behaviors. To be held...what are you? A baby? The only way you are going to get held, is down.

Shame, belittle, degrade, devalue.. The pattern continues.

But you ask HIM for a kiss. And he says..

"There is nothing I'd like more."

And he means it.

I'd bet a mountain of gold he wants to just ask you himself. But years of conditioning to expect pain when seeking pleasure probably keeps him in a choke hold. Like rats that are shocked every time they try to eat food out of a dish. They learn it is safer to starve.

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but they might think i'm weak. But if they ask me first then it's them who wants it and they can't degrade me for it because they asked, not me. It's safe then."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or hug, but they might reject me for being too needy and shame and berate me for being so selfish or demanding of their time and person. But if they ask they have time and want me to kiss/hug them."

"I want to ask Tav for a kiss or a hug, but my primal brain keeps telling me they might demand more than I want to give in return for it. But if they ask, I have the power of negotiating the outcome."

This leads me to believe he would view sex and affection very differently as well.

Where most find affection safe and nurturing, it's anxiety educing and unsafe. It means there are feelings and if there are feelings there is the risk and fear of rejection or judgment. It's much scarier.

Where most find sex to be connecting and intimate, it's been used so much it's lost any meaning. Something you can do a thousand times over and walk away the second it's done and feel nothing afterward.

This may even be a part of the reason why he wants to stop having sex.

He wants to connect with you in ways denied to him. He wants the experience of being courted, treasured, nurtured. It means so much more to him than sex. It is so much more connecting.

Feeling this way is wretched and lonely. The most basic instinct is to want to seek comfort in the arms of those who love us. But it's broken. The risk is too great.

And it's hard. Because you could be the sweetest most honorable Tav in the whole of Fearun. But after being fed poised apples one too many times, all apples appear poisonous regardless of if is true or not.

I have no doubt that this prickly elf soaks up every second of non sexual affection you give him. And truly is grateful for your patience while he slowly and carefully disarms the safety measures he put in place to survive. The fact that he even allowed you to touch him like that at all was a monumental act of trust. And why not? You are incredible after all.

I'm going to go ask my elf for a kiss now. And then cry in my cup.

[featherwurm]

I'm going to get a lot more personal on here than I usually do:

Baulder's Gate 3, and especially Karlach, make me feel seen in a way no price of media I've ever engaged with before has. It's a big reason why I love it and why it's sticking with me like it is. I too am a big, loud, enthusiastic woman who says out of pocket shit. I have a heavy internal dialogue with myself. I have a temper, I'm bisexual, I love cute shit. I endured years of being utterly touch starved. I love sex and food and being alive...

I also have cancer; it's Follicular B-Cell Lymphoma. I was diagnosed in 2020 when it had reached stage 3A. It's currently under control after chemo* and I'm living my life normally. But while it's a very treatable kind of cancer, it's not fully curable**. There's nothing in me they can remove (it's my whole lymphatic system that's broken) and no drug currently that can wholly knock it out. It's cause is not known (genetically or environmentally), and its unusual for this type of cancer to affect someone as young as I am (I was diagnosed at 35 - it's much more common 65+***). So every three months I go into oncology and they check my blood and symptoms and see if I'm doing ok. I get imaging and biopsies occasionally too. This will go on until I'm not ok (hopefully a long time yet). I'll have to have still manageable but more invasive treatment the next time around. It's a well researched kind of cancer, and my oncologist hopes that in the next decade there may be some more permanent cure for it.

So you can see where I'm going with this. When you hit Karlach's monologue after killing Gortash, I've never felt better understood. I have no one to blame for my condition, no revenge arc of course, but the very same fear, frustration, grief, and anger are all things my husband has heard from me. I've never seen a more beautiful and moving and real exploration of the topic that resonates with me so meaningfully out of a piece of fiction that I love. Béart's performance is amazing - capturing a whole spectrum of emotion.

Karlach's story is absolutely not incomplete as written, confirmed by both the devs and Sam Béart - a terminal condition is just that. You don't get to fix or save her, you get to go with her through tremendous trial and difficulty. If you want to continue that story in your mind that's great (I know I'm eager to do so, for my own personal encouragement if nothing else) but on it's own it's a whole story about coming to terms with something that doesn't have a quick and easy little fetch-quest resolution.

So - every time I see another whinging post/essay/bitchfest about how her story feels "unfinished" or "incomplete" or "has too much cut content" you can see why I might take it a bit personally - knowing that the life I have, the easy solutions I don't get, and the frustration and grief I live with is seen as incorrect and wrong and bad writing makes me a little pissed off. If you think the story is incomplete as told and think a 'third engine upgrade' is missing you completely missed the point.

Karlach doesn't get a simple easy ending because people like me**** don't get that either. And like my husband and the others who love me you can choose to follow that story anyway. And that's fucking beautiful.

*Yeah dealing with cancer and undergoing chemo during a pandemic was really a peach.

**XKCD hits the nail on the head here and here.

***Current treatments have good decade long prognoses... but saying 'you'll probably be fine for the next 10 years' is a lot different at 35 than it is at 65.

****And believe me I've heard from a lot of chronic/terminally ill folks who love the game for the way it represents these things and feel the same, with her Gale, and Shadowheart too.

[oddballwriter]

Just a Bite:

BBQ ENA &/X Vampire-inspired!reader

Summary: ENA with a Vampire-inspired entity!reader (platonic or romantic)

Warnings: Can be read as platonic or romantic if you want. Reader and ENA are referred to as friends but they can be “friends” if you want to go the romantic route. Cannibalism- Reader has to eat different forms of “life” it live and ENA lets her eat her limbs. Mentions that ENA lets reader eat her limbs so that reader will stay her friend. ENA being self- destructive to please people (reader) despite the fact that it’s implied that it causes her issues and impairments. Reader feeling bad and setting boundaries for ENA. I really don’t know how to describe this fucking shit. Just read it. It’s less weird, or maybe even more weird, idk it’s late as fuck and I got vampire brain worms. Let me know if I should tag anything. Cause I probably should.

Author’s Snip: I don’t know. I was possessed by my vampire brain worms and it’s hella late and I got morning classes tomorrow babes. These melatonin gummies got me just making shit. I’m either COOKING or I’m burning down the fucking kitchen. Either way bone apple teeth.

Notes: Idk reader discretion advised or whatever. Not too sure if this is a dead dove. Let me know if you want more of whatever this is.

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy! And don’t be afraid to request.

Being a digital vampire was interesting. In simple words, you needed to consume other beings’ essence of life or something with it. Like source code or even a piece of their body if you can get a piece. Granted, no one wants the essences of their life to be eaten, but you gotta live too. It’s not really your fault that your code is unstable and need to parasite off of others or else you’ll crash and essentially die

It’s hard making friends though. Everyone always thinks that you’re trying to feed off them, but your need for more sustenance is never-ending and never satisfied. It’s a bit annoying but you don’t blame them. But that left you having to eat the source codes of mannequins, which weren’t all that rich in “the good stuff” as you put it.

It just sucks that people always think you know Dratula even though he’s not really a vampire no matter how hard he tries to sell it

You weren’t sure what called you towards ENA. Her two contrasting personalities that would go back and forth. The way she carried herself? The fact that everyone seemed to shun her too? She just seemed interesting to you.

Her salesperson side was very polite and almost flattering to you. Offering you an appealing sounding product and deal the was most likely just a prism scheme that was well worded. Her meanie side was more rude, but entertaining to you

You sort of just followed her around as she did ‘jobs’ and tried to find the genies of the doors or some other task that she needed to do. You don’t think she really knew what you were and just thought that people were trying to mess with her and also insulting you when they said that you were bad news. It wasn’t until she accidentally got someone killed (think Hoarder Alex) and you decided to have your fill with a loose limb while they were still “fresh”. That honestly freaked her out a bit. You think she actually buffered because the grin of her red side was wiped clean off with a face of pure shock. You feared that you had finally scared away someone you would have considered a friend, and maybe she did think of running for a second. But instead she just tried to go back to her normal self and sort of just avoid to subject, but her meanie side jumped in and just shouted “What the fuck was that?!”

You explained, sort of. Just the basics, you need to leech off of others to live.

All she asked was if you were going to do that to her, to which you said that you don’t want to nor plan to. She just said “Alright.” before she just went back to her salesperson side and continued on, beckoning for you to join in, grinning while saying “We can work over contracts and terms and conditions on a later date. We have more business to attend to.”

You had no clue what she meant by that and was a bit confused about how her Meanie said for the most part talked to you very… she wasn’t yelling or demanding answers. She just asked if you were going to or wanted to eat her source code in an way that seems like concern, confusion, and maybe a bit of intrigue

You both never talked about it again. She’d semi turn a blind eye when you’d take a bite out of a mannequin or something small and insignificant. She only ever asked “How often must this task be fulfilled? What is our quota?” (Asking how often you need to eat) You told her that you just try and get by until you need to feed from something again and that you just eat whatever you can get away with. She just responded with “hmm” and carried on

She’s seen you scrap for anything. A whole mannequin. A pet. One of Cain’s coins. A piece of Coral Glasses’ papers (it didn’t do anything, it was just paper). A leg you yanked out of the blood ocean and had to fight in order to get a proper bite. You tried to take a bite out of a blob person. That didn’t go too well… you didn’t like the taste. And each time ENA just… watched, almost like observing what counts as sustenance for you. Why? You didn’t really know until later.

You’ve seen her ‘die’ a few times and then return in the place of a mannequin. She comes back perfectly fine each time. She could lose her limbs and then she just gets them all back when she comes back around.

You thought about eating one of her limbs when she ‘dies’, but that was crossing a line for you. She was your friend. You don’t eat your friends. Even if she’d be such a good source of code to eat and would sustain you so well compared to all the scraps you eat. But you had to refrain

But one day, you’d gone so long with nothing. The hunger you had wanted something “good”, a real source, not scraps. You tried, you ate, and ate, and ate. You ate all the mannequins you could chase down but they did nothing. You were desperate. Wanting to eat anything and anyone. But you wouldn’t dare be bold enough to just go on a frenzy.

That’s when ENA popped off one of her arms and gave it to you. You heard her meanie side say something about eating it if you’re “that damn hungry” and you didn’t hesitate. You didn’t even realize that she gave you the other one and you ate that up too. It wasn’t until you snapped out of it and looked up seeing her armless that you realized what you’ve done. You apologized but she won’t take it. She just regenerates herself new ones when she dies and comes back and tells you to take whatever you want next time.

And you do

You feel bad though. Awful even.

Yeah, you’d take from random people when go had the chance, and ENA was willingly giving herself for you to eat, and she said that you can take a piece whenever you wanted. But it just felt wrong. Like you were taking advantage of her like everyone else does.

Except instead of taking advantage of the people pleasing part of her business side by giving her a task, you were literally taking parts of her that she wasn’t going to get back unless she came back through a mannequin and settling for using whatever she had left of her till then

Eventually you set a boundary for her despite her insisting that she’s happy to give you everything regardless of the price on her end, even calling it a “Great exchange for your loyal companionship.”. Which just made you feel bad since you’ve been around her long enough to know that it meant that she saw you taking as much as you wanted of her in exchange for you sticking around her.

Anyways. You settled on just taking one, ONE, of the fingers from her clawed hand. Always the middle, so that she can still hold her megaphone in that hand and avoid another incident she had once with a person that made her meanie side come out and a very specific finger. It was enough to sustain you between regenerations since ENA is a bit clumsy sometimes and has to come back quite a bit.

[littlegeecko]

Headcannons for the father & son duo :> or just lore- whichever one you wanna talk abt more

(007 & c00l)

Aw yes, my parent/kid bond of all time :J Keep the characters coming!! my askbox is open!!!

Extra deets under the cut

7n7

-He used to have a more...demonic appearance during his prime hacker years, both as self-exploration, scare the shit outta people and not be recognized in public, it worked pretty well but it took a toll on his health after a while so he only used that appearance while hacking. Kidd looks a little like him in his 20s...

-Used to date Noli around college years and a bit after, however after he got Noli infected with the VoidStar, the guilt made him break up with Noli, ghost him, and move someplace else after Kidd appeared at his door, fearing an angry Noli might find him, for whatever reason

-He really, REALLY likes to play being a cute, helpless loser man sometimes just to pass for a non-threat, it makes the sentinels grow soft for him, the worst kindof gay you'll find if you ask me. (but it also keeps them from bothering him too)

-He's slightly paranoid the admins got shit against him even if they're all stuck in hell trying to survive together, so he grows suspicious everytime anyone invites him to the hang outs or simply try to interact with him directly. He tends to be a loner... Guest was the first one to break thru the walls he made around him.

-Sometimes Kidd calls him mama, he doesn't mind

-In this AU he used to have a thing* with Mafioso before being forsaken'd, it scared him shitless to see him as a killer, but he's happy Kidd has a familiar face on the other side.

-Jesus is this man volatile. He's often neutral and even shy in his little corner but he's the type to take Chance's flintlock straight from his holster if he feels threatened, and mumble nasty things about the admins under his breath like a weirdo.

-He forcibly taught himself to cook because he truly had to improvise some kid-safe dishes when kidd was a toddler, he eventually took a liking to it though, "cooking its like coding, in a sense" he says. Nowadays he makes delicious food for the survivors when it's his turn to, most of them won't admit it's pretty good (except Guest, who always throws a compliment here and there)

-Insane typing speed, what that hand do? lmao

-Can do crazy shit with his GUI don't ask me about it

C00lkidd:

-He's energetic and with a contagious (scary) smile!! a true extrovert, much to n7's surprise, though he never had many friends...most of his friends were animals he'd find

-He's actually a really sweet kid like any other, but he likes to "prank" people that mistreat him or his dad, like Elliot making a nasty face at him when they went to his pizzeria (he then proceeded to un-anchor the cash register and made it fall on Elliot's foot, he still has the scar to this day) He had many problems with this attitude at school, specially when the pranks turned from simple hahas to actual violent payback to his bullies, like scratching and biting(You know the school system, they blamed him for reacting)

-Loud noises make him anxious, specially sudden ones. He DESPISES Taph and his mines because of this.

-Used to be very short around 6-8 then had a sudden growth spurt at 9. Now she's average!

-They're, surprisingly, VERY resistant to many things like strong illness, falls, disasters and even fire, they just bruise really easy because of their skin condition and the rashes are their worst enemy most of the time. n7 is not sure if the GUI has something to do with this or they're just built like that??

-Kidd LOVES reading about strange animals, mythos and cryptids, the Drakobloxxer being her favorite by a long shot. Delli was a gift from n7 to her at age 6 and that turned their brain into an chest of crazy information about these topics.

-Likes to draw and make crafts, like their bracelet :3 they have a lot of time in their hands since they're kinda lonely

-He loves swords he thinks they're cool but N7 never got him one, Mafioso on the other hand.... got him a (toy) one. Best uncle ever!!!

-He calls Mafioso "Uncle Mario" and isn't aware of the extent in which he and his dad's relationship goes, but he likes him a lot!!! its nice to have adults that dont treat him like a little freak :]

-Doesn't know who Noli is, n7 refused to tell him much about him so imagine this poor kid's face when Noli tried to play-pretend being a dad for him when becoming a killer. Stranger Danger!!!

-he likes Guest and Chance he think they're cool, he doesnt like it when they attack him though :/

-Just like in her original concept, she has a bigger, scarier AND stronger form while playing Killer, she only keeps half the memories when she goes back to regular form

anyway theres alot more but this shit long already lmaooo

[thewritetofreespeech]

hello, hope you are having a good day! could i get some platonic bg3 headcanons about a tav that puts up a front of "witty, kind, confident leader!", but is secretly very depressed and hides their own traumas. one day, tav, having gone off alone to cry, gets caught with the "mask" off by a companion and hurriedly tries to keep up the act, but the jig is up. when asked why they didn't tell anyone, they say something along the lines of "...please, don't think it was because of something you did. i place no blame on you, any of you. just...what all of you have gone through is so, so much worse compared to my problems. why put more on your plates?"

Astarion

They never fooled Astarion. He knows the acts in this little play well, and has been exploiting Tav this whole time. Confronted with it, he doesn’t know what to do. Genuine care is not something he is familiar with and it makes him uncomfortable. Like all his other parts, however, he can play this one too. “Darling, we’re a team. Partners in…whatever you need. Let me be your shoulder to cry on. Just not on this shirt. It’ll stain.”

Gale

Even though they say it’s not his fault, Gale can’t help but feel like it is. If he only took on more for them. If only he hadn’t told them of his condition to burden Tav further. If only he had done more. Gale feels guilty and selfish for not seeing it. “A wise poet once said comparing problems is like comparing sands on a beach. They are vast, infinite, and each unique. Sharing your burdens isn’t to compare. You have been so kind to me, let me return the favor for you.”

Halsin

Halsin feels gutted that they couldn’t trust him with their burdens, when he himself has added so much to them. He had sought so little from people for so long, then just thrust all his problems onto Tav at the first shine of hope. What a selfish, blundering fool he has been, even after all these years. “I spent so much time focused on my own problems. The Shadow Curse. The Grove. It consumed me to the point that I thought I would never find a path out, so I know what you are going through. And like you, I want to offer whatever support I can. Let me help you, as you have helped me.”

Karlach

It hurts Karlach’s heart, more than her engine, to see them like this. They are always so good, so open, that Karlach didn’t think that they had any problems. Still the gullible fool she guesses. Just believing what people say or show on the outside without looking past for the problems. “Hey, what do you think these big shoulders are for soldier? My good looks? You cry as much as you need. Let Mama K do the heavy lifting for a while. You’ll be alright. I promise you.”

Lae'zel

What trivium. Is the moisture on your face solving the problem? Is the burden of leadership too much to bare? tsk'va! “What burden is too great for a warrior such as yourself? I did not put my faith, my survival, in lott of one such as this. But…if you must lay your burdens down to wield your sword, I shall carry them for you. My strength is mighty enough for the both of us ra'stil .”

Minthara

Minthara is…surprised. Displays of emotion like this are not shown in the Underdark. But, she does realize that they were doing this in private; which is something done in the Underdark. She thought Tav had no burdens. Beloved and adored by their peers, and feared by their enemies, what more could they want? “Do you think I am immune to the burdens you speak of? Far from it. Since I was a babe at my mother’s breast I was subjected to incredible pressures. As that is how one makes diamonds. You will learn. You will adjust. These cracks will harden and strength as your stone polishes into precious stones. Trust me. This will pass, and you will be grateful for it’s challenges.”

Shadowheart

It is not in her teaching, from what she can remember, to be open with their emotions like this. The ‘mask’ is the norm. All who worship Shar must be a blank slate for her will. But…Tav does not worship Shar. She was not taught the same way. And Shadowheart feels like a horrible friend for not even being a little supportive in a way that could help them with this. “You…take all the time you need. I’ll keep watch. Keep the others away. Unless…you would like company. I am a poor measure when it comes to sharing feelings but…I have two good ears. And I’ll probably just forget anything you’ve told me in the future anyway.”

Wyll

Wyll didn’t think he was to blame, but hearing them specifically say that he wasn’t makes him think that perhaps he is. He knows he hasn’t made it the easiest on them. His secrets. His changes. His stowaway. Wyll also feels dejected that they didn’t trust him enough to be honest with him. He is more than a blade at their side arm. He considered them a friend. “We all have our crosses, eh? But you needn’t hide it from me. I know how hard it can be to somedays tack on a smile. Just lean on me. I’ll be your shield if you need to unscrew it for a while.”

[farshootergotme]

Now that I have the confidence to send you asks, fully expect me to bug you periodically from here on out

Anyways- do you think Dick qualifies as a scapegoat? Cause I 100% think he's a scapegoat. People always try to shove the 'golden child' role onto Dick, and it always confused me cause like. He doesn't fit it at all if you actually look into what a golden child is.

Dick is definitely one of the scapegoats of the batfamily (Jason being the other) and it makes me sad that people always label him a golden child when he's the exact opposite. Seriously- he's hit, beaten, unfairly blamed, lashed out at, not told about important things (Jason or being replaced, Jason dying, Jason's funeral, probably other things, i wouldn't be surprised), etc. Definition of a scapegoat to me.

It's also why I hesitate to label him the 'favorite' even when the comics try to say otherwise. Mostly because... favorite children aren't really treated this way. Favorite weapon, maybe, as I've said in a post I've made before, but that's it. Bruce wouldn't kill for him or any of his kids. He's come close, yeah, but he's also come close to killing the Joker too after Jason's death and had to be threatened into not doing it. Every time, it's in a strong surge of emotion, and the second Bruce thinks rationally- well, he doesn't do it. Dick isn't at all unique, Bruce wouldn't kill for him either.

I think Bruce is the most proud of Dick, and has a unique relationship with him due to knowing him the longest and the parentification, but I don't think that makes him the favorite. Maybe to the other batkids, but probably not in reality.

I don't think Bruce really HAS a favorite- Dick is probably the closest to it, but still.

Though, if you wanna play around with angst and fanon ideas, maybe both Dick and Jason are the favorites and that's why Bruce treats them the worst? Dunno, it'd make a fun fic, even if it's not really grounded in canon (though I ignore RHATO and Comic UTRH).

Idk. Just,, gestures. Dick is a scapegoat to me.

Hope my 2 am rambling made sense lol

Okay, I see you, but I'll argue:

Dick Grayson is both the scapegoat and the golden child.

Now, you might not believe this since he doesn't tend to be both at the same time, and it isn't common for these roles to exist within the same individual. But Dick Grayson is praised and favored as much as he's blamed and pushed.

A golden child is the one who carries most of the expectations in the family. The parent expects them to be perfect, make no mistakes, take on roles they're pushed into with no issue (thus parentification can happen), and continue on and on to be good enough and meet the criteria so they don't make the parent disappointed.

The love is conditional hence they develop this unhealthy perfectionism and self-esteem and self-worth issues that will follow them till adulthood even when they're out of that environment and living their own lives.

The reason why a parent might choose a specific child (or children) to be the favored one is because they tend to see this child as an extension of themselves. And consequential to this, they will project their insecurities onto said child and force them to improve—be the best—where they fall short. All of their capabilities are overvalued, making the parent see them as special and much better than the rest, causing the unrealistic expectations a child must hold and fulfill so as not to “fail” their parent(s).

Although this child might seem like the favorite and who could do no wrong on the outside, the love they receive isn't something they can take for granted.

When a golden child underperforms or isn't as good as they're expected, the parent’s demeanor might change. They will feel the disappointment and fear this might cause the treatment they get to change. Sometimes the child might even fear abandonment or rejection from their parent as a result of their failures.

The mix of all this turns into a person who's over-competent, hard-working and someone that tends to take charge of things so they aren't at risk of failing, making them ‘natural’ leaders in any group they might be part of.

Sounding familiar yet?

Now, let's move on to the scapegoat:

A scapegoat child is the one that is blamed by all the things that go wrong in the family. They are constantly criticized and shamed by things they might've not even been part of, but somehow they're now involved and taking all the blame for the others so there are no consequences for anyone but them.

(All the blame also messes with their perception of certain events, making them prone to self-blame for the problems that occur in the family or their behaviors towards them.)

The scapegoating in the family may be due to subconscious projection from the parent when they're dealing with difficult emotions such as shame, guilt, rage, etc. They feel threatened by their own feelings and therefore they will try to escape from them by externalizing those feelings and making them their scapegoat’s problem.

Because of this treatment, the scapegoat might become an outsider in the family, feeling excluded and isolated from the rest. And for this, when push comes to shove and they're going through a rough patch, they will not have any reliable support they can go to inside the family as they'll be ignored or otherwise unfairly treated, having their feelings be invalidated.

Like the golden child, there's some aspects the scapegoat shares with the former:

Being treated differently by the parent/family.

Having unrealistic expectations placed upon them.

Being pushed into roles or responsibilities the child isn't meant to take.

Fear of expressing how they feel.

Self-worth issues and low self-esteem.

Although they're usually roles that are considered opposites, they aren't as incompatible as one might think. A child can alternate between being a scapegoat or the golden child, and this usually happens when the parent is very emotionally unstable, commonly due to a disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or borderline personality disorder (BPD).

(I have so many thoughts about the latter applying to Bruce, but I will refrain from elaborating to not make this longer than it needs to be)

Having all I've said until now in consideration, I'm sure you've noticed how Dick meets both criterias—dare I say the golden child more often than the scapegoat.

Bruce is always speaking about how Dick is “better than him” and “the thing he's ever done right”, but in both of these statements you can see he's taking who Dick is and making it as something that's part of him, comparing Dick's accomplishments to his and putting him in this pedestal, and because of this projection happens and Bruce starts seeing Dick as an extension of himself.

This is why, when he or Dick fail, Dick will suddenly become the scapegoat, contrasting with the former golden child position he was in.

Here you can see the high expectations, praise for his accomplishments, his siblings feeling like Dick is better than them (i.e. treated differently than the rest), and you can also see how when he doesn't meet the expectations, he's met with disappointment (see: Alfred disappointed he's not as bright as he usually is) or judgment (see: Bruce angry at him because he isn't committing to his cause as much as he expects him to).

And these are examples of Bruce being too harsh on Dick and expecting him to do better, blaming him for his brother's death, and in result Dick having a habit of blaming himself and accepting mistreatment, thinking it must be his fault.

More often than not, Dick is put on a pedestal by his family and even his friends sometimes. They praise and love him, but when there's occasions in which he's acting less than perfect, the treatment towards him can change.

Dick Grayson can be the golden child as much as he can be the scapegoat.

[mywordstovictor]

It’s just a little bit soul crushing when I come across trans men talking about how much they hate men. Apologizing for being one. Like ‘haha I guess I’m a trans man yep that means I, as a man, suck, just like all other men haha feel free to vent your frustrations about the patriarchy at me. I can’t help being a man I hate men why would I choose to be one?’

I remember being there. Hating the gender you belong to is exhausting. It’s worth deconstructing I promise, even just for your wellbeing. Here’s a start:

Manhood isn’t inherently tied to misogyny and violence. Misogyny and violence are choices. Just choices that men are disproportionately conditioned into making. Men can and do rewrite that conditioning all the time. Manhood isn’t the problem. The problems are misogyny and violence. You’re not a bad feminist because you let go of the hate you have for the manness of yourself. Your manness doesn’t make you violent or misogynistic, being violent and misogynistic make you violent and misogynistic make you violent and misogynistic. Testosterone HRT doesn’t turn you into the archetype of male violence. Testosterone isn’t the driving force of misogyny and violence. Do you understand what I’m saying? Misogyny and violence are not inherent and inescapable to anyone, regardless of identity. Being a man doesn’t make you evil.

Treating misogyny and violence as inherent to manhood excuses men for being violent and misogynistic. Accountability is real hard when you consider doing bad things a fundamental nature tied to an identity. If men are sexist, can you blame this man for being sexist? That’s just how men are. Do you see how this is boys will be boys hidden behind a couple layers of pseudo feminism?

I spent years dancing around manhood because I believed the second I labeled myself a man I was the enemy. The number of ways I found to describe my masculine identity that weren’t man. The number of times hearing ‘at least you’re not a man’ set me back. The number of times I came so close to manhood, but ran into an explicitly trans inclusive ‘I hate men’.

I think the best word for how manhood feels to me is settled. Being a man feels like home. Masculinity feels so gentle, in a big ol’ teddy bear sort of way. Growing a beard and letting your little cousin stick flowers in it. Making sure none of my students think it’s okay to make fun of the kid who cries a lot. Answering ‘boys don’t cry’ with ‘I’m a boy, and I cry every single time a dog in a movie is sad’. I want to be so kind. I want to be the man someone chooses to start working on their dog’s fear of men with. I want to be trusted to watch a drink and to walk with people to their cars at night. I want them to find a cure for cat allergies so I can get that patting-tiny-animal-with-hairy-hands gender euphoria without eye irritation. Cardigans and top surgery scars. Wrinkled hands injecting testosterone. My dream life closes on sweet if eccentric old man.

I may have tangented a bit, but just… you don’t have to hate the man part of you. It doesn’t do any good. It’s not a moral responsibility. You can let that go because ‘man’ is just a gender. It isn’t a fundamental evil that exists deep within your being. The only evil masculine urge I’ve ever felt is the desire to wear athletic shorts in the middle of November. You’re not doing anything wrong by existing as a man I swear.