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quaranmine · 1 year ago

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Book Reviews with Quara

Since I keep talking about audiobooks, now I want to do a sort of mini book review of the books I've read since starting to "seriously" pick up reading again last year. Also I just like typing about things. I'm skipping Fire Season by Philip Connors and Last Chance to See by Douglas Adams because I've spoken about them already. Keep in mind I am not super-super critical of reading material; generally if I enjoyed it I'm giving 5 stars. If I disliked it though I get a lot more critical because then I want to start analyzing what didn't work for me. Now go forth and learn about what my reading taste is when I'm not reading/writing angsty mcyt fanfic!

Books I loved, aka 5 stars:

Cold Storage by David Koepp

This was the first book I checked out from Libby and it was a banger. I am still trying to replicate that high tbh. When I gave my mom access to my library card in Libby (her rural library has nothing and my city library has everything) I made her check it out too. The narration on the audiobook is fantastic. My mom raved about the narration and basically says she doesn't want to check anything out that wasn't as good--regularly her reviews to me are "good narrator, not as good as that Cold Storage book" lmao. You may know David Koepp as the guy who wrote the Jurassic Park screenplay. This is his first novel.

It's about a mutated fungus that is a sci-fi version of the very real Ophiocordyceps unilateralis, which is more commonly known as the zombie-ant fungus. In this book, a version of Cordyceps can infect all lifeforms, including humans, and has been locked away deep in a former US military vault that has since been sold and converted into an underground storage facility. The plot follows two unlikely protags who work in the storage facility, as well as the two retired military people who are the only ones to have seen the fungi in action, as they try to prevent it from being released into the world. It's funny, horrifying, and gory.

They are making a movie of this book. The release date is tentatively 2024, but I worry about it because I have heard so little news on it. They did do filming though. I have high hopes because they cast Joe Keery as a main character, which I think is perfect casting for the guy in question. I have low hopes because they cast Liam Neeson, a white man, as a character who was originally Hispanic and (as I just noticed while writing this) changed the character's name to be more white. Ugh. Who is Robert Quinn and what did you do with Roberto Diaz???????

Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

What if you got kidnapped and woke up in a parallel world where everybody knew who you were, but they think you're someone else? What if you're just a quantum physics professor, but this other version of you is a successful theoretical researcher? What if your wife never married you in this universe, and your son was never born? How do you get back home? This book is constantly pulling out interesting new questions, twists, and places to explore. Also I liked that while it does feature romance pretty prominently, it's about a guy who just really loves his wife of 15 years and wants to see her again. I just like it when men love their wives.

Also, a fair amount of Goodreads reviews poke fun at this author for having way too much fun hitting the enter key on his keyboard, but since I listened to the audiobook I never had to deal with any annoying formatting choices lol

I'm Glad My Mom Died by Jennette McCurdy

I feel like we all know about this one already, tbh. If you don't, heavy tw for child abuse and eating disorders. Tread carefully. It's worth it though if you are confident you won't get triggered. If you haven't read it I recommend the audiobook specifically because Jennette narrates it herself and that gives the book so much extra. It was a 6 hour audiobook and I was gripped by it all day.

Wrong Place Wrong Time by Gillian McAllister

BACKWARDS TIMELOOP BABEYY!!! This one was great. It's about a Mom who witnesses her teenage son kill a man. Every day she wakes up in the past again until she can solve why this happened, the mystery leading up to it that entangles her family, and try to prevent it. First she ways up the day before, then two days, then three, then a two weeks, then a few months, then a few years--until her son hasn't even been born yet. I enjoyed it. Also a plus for British accent narrator (can you tell I'm American....)

A Rip Through Time by Kelley Armstrong

This one was fun. I checked it out because it was longish and I had to drive like 8 hrs roundtrip for a work trip, so I listened to this the entire way. It's about a (Canadian) woman named Mallory who was a police detective in the modern day, who gets attacked while out for a jog in Edinburgh, Scotland. The attacker strangles her and she goes unconscious. When she wakes up, however, she finds herself in someone else's body--in the Victorian era. She's now a 19 year old housemaid, and has to adapt as quickly as possible to avoid suspicion. She quickly finds out that she works for a man named Dr. Duncan Gray, who is a medical examiner. And there's a person who's been murdered in a very similar way to how Mallory herself was attacked. And she's quickly finding out that the person who's body she's in was not well-liked.

My favorite part about this one is the emphasis it has on early forensics in Victorian Scotland. Dr. Gray is a fantastic character and it is so interesting to see him doing his lil cutting-edge forensics research (which Mallory, being educated in modern times, wants desperately to help him with.) Also the narrator, while being Canadian, does Scottish accents for all the Scottish characters. I'm not the best person to ask as someone who isn't Scottish but I thought the accents sounded pretty good lol

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson

My mom recommended this one to me. It's also a lot of fun. The title is, mostly, accurate. Ernest Cunningham (protag) is a writer, who mostly creates how-to books for mystery novelists he sells on Amazon. No, he doesn't write mysteries, he just writes the how-to books. But he's very well-versed in the "rules" of how to write a classic mystery! He promises that, as the narrator of this story, he will always be an entirely reliable narrator. The book itself is obviously fiction but within the narrative of the book, it is being told like a nonfiction account of something that the main character is writing down. This book is sort of a bottle mystery--strange murders while everyone is snowed in at a ski resort during a family reunion, anyone? The main character is funny and breaks the fourth wall often. I am convinced that there is a separate audiobook specific version since the narration within the book references it being an audiobook. The main character will be like "so, you probably realize this isn't the real killer, since we still have 4 hours of the book left to listen to" lol. I almost want to check out a print copy of this to see if the text is different.

Starter Villain by John Scalzi

First one on the list that I didn't listen to as an audiobook. Honestly, I probably read this book in 4 hours flat. Three of those hours just dead-focused while on a plane (with the book's hold expiring as soon as I landed and took my phone off airplane mode.)

I don't really know how to explain this one. I don't think I understood what it was about until I actually got like 4 chapters in and then I couldn't stop. It's just off-the wall ridiculous. There are talking cats. There are dolphins that want to unionize. There is a volcano lair. There are explosions and assasination attempts. There is a reasonably bleakly accurate capitalist picture of what "villainy" means in our world. There is a poor main character in over his head as he learns he's inherited all this from an uncle he never saw. This book is like...satire comedy. Comedy and outlandish but you're also depressed about billionaires a little while reading it.

Books I thought were Okay (3-4 stars but actually I gave both these 4 stars I think)

The Poisoner's Ring by Kelley Armstrong

The second book to the book I mentioned above. Honestly, I remember very well what the first book was about (i typed the summary by memory) but I have trouble remembering specifics about this one. It's a bit too long as well, at 14 hours. I don't have anything bad to say about it, I just didn't enjoy it quite as much as the first one.

But honestly I do remember it was still a good time. I just really like Dr Gray as a character and the setting, early forensic science focus, etc. These books are also setting up to be an EXTREME slow burn romance between Gray and Mallory, which I don't mind. (Literally by book 2 the most we have is that she thinks he's attractive, so at this rate it will take us 3 more books to get anywhere lol.) I will be checking out the 3rd book when it is released this spring.

Someone Else's Shoes by Jojo Moines

Also a book that suffered from being too long. It's a 12 hour audiobook but I think that it could have been 8 or 9 hours and gotten the same point across. My mom recommended this to me. It's narrated by Daisy Ridley, who does a good job. I enjoyed it, but I also started to feel like I really wanted it to be done?

Also unsure how to describe this one. Slightly-contrived-but-cute plot about how a bag switch up in a gym connects two women's stories. One is a, frankly quite annoying, American woman who married rich but has now been completely cut off from her money (and even passport) by her ex-husband who's cheating on her with a younger woman. One is a British woman with low self-esteem and a bad job who is struggling to keep her family afloat while her husband suffers from severe depression. I think my favorite was a side character named Jasmine who brought light to every scene imo.

Books I disliked (2 stars but after writing this review I almost want to make it 1 star)

Aurora by David Koepp

David I really believed in you after Cold Storage. But imo, this book isn't it. It throws away every interesting part of its apocalypse-level plot to focus on the characters. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good character-focused plot, except I never connected with anyone in the book. I just kind of didn't enjoy any of them. This is a story that is supposed to be about a solar flare taking out all electricity and communications for most of the world. And it only covers like a few days after the disaster AND THEN TIME SKIPS LIKE 8 MONTHS UNTIL EVERYTHING IS HAPPILY SOLVED NEIGHBORHOOD UTOPIA STYLE. I'm sorry????? Assuming I can believe that this little suburban Illinois cul-de-sac has managed to set up subsistence farming in a few months and is living perfectly happily, why would you....not show me how that happened.....

Also the "everything fits together" character moment at the end felt unearned. I was like yeah, okay, I guess this slots together. But the author didn't earn that moment for me. Instead of connecting with the characters and the plot and getting invested I felt like I was just being....told that everything worked out?? Or told that this was an important moment instead of actually Feeling the moment? It's hard to explain but I was like ok great thanks let's all go home now.

Sigh. I just can't get over the whole "throwing away the most interesting part of your setting" part. Again. Why would you spend a significant time setting up the science and how much of a disaster the solar flare is and then not show any of the characters figuring out how to survive it long-term....?

Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

This book has such a high rating. It's very popular right now. It took me like 12 weeks of waiting for my hold to come up, and that's with the library having 7 copies.

It is, supposedly, about a smart octopus named Marcellus who helps an elderly lady solve the mystery of her son's disappearance at sea when he was a teenager.

In practice, it is about one minute at a time of Marcellus (the best part of the book) and extended sections of characters that I don't care about at all. I assume all the pieces of the story were supposed to come together later, but I was just highly bored. I was so bored that I DNF'd at 25% when my hold was up. I do not care enough to wait weeks to check it out again. Based on the one star reviews I read, the characters I didn't like did not develop into better people later and remained similarly annoying. Now, I don't need characters to be good people of course. But I do expect to be interested in them. I still don't know how the son's disappearance factors in because I felt like I heard barely anything about the supposed main character woman.

I feel vindicated because my coworker also checked out the book and told me a few weeks ago that she was at 50% and there still wasn't anything happening in the plot. I will ask her tomorrow if she finished it or not and if it ever got better.

Write an entire book for Marcellus the octopus and I'll check it out...

Killers of a Certain Age by Deanna Raybourn

This book had so much potential. It's about a group of four women who were formerly assasins but are now retiring at 60. To celebrate retirement, they go on a cruise and then realize that they're the new targets for assasination, presumably because they know too much about the organization that used to employ them.

In execution....very meh. I actually had a Libby glitch on this one, where I think I missed about 1.5 hrs of narration total because the book skipped twice. I have no concept of which parts I missed. What I do know is that, the book was already so cobbled together before the first skip that I didn't realize I had missed anything until the end. Like sure, parts didn't make sense, but I was ready to accept that it was just Like That since the rest of the book was like that. After reading a bunch of reviews of this book I am convinced that there is NO way that all of its flaws can be explained by me missing a small part. After all, I did listen to 8.5 hours of it still.

The characters never felt their age to me. I felt like they either acted like they were 80 or 90, or like they were 20. It just seemed odd to me. The characters also felt very 2D, like the author wrote down three traits per person and called it good. There's a younger woman who appears to know the main character and conveniently helps the group, but I literally never figured out where their relationship originated or how they knew each other. Maybe I missed that too. By the end of the book I still didn't know who anyone was and couldn't remember which person was the main character. The plot jumped around to new locations constantly and often with little transition--this happened even on the parts where I definitely didn't get a skipping glitch. The main villain was a guy I literally had barely heard anything of til that point, although perhaps he came up in the 1.5 hrs I missed. They described the same painting in excruciating detail THREE separate times. It was...too feminist? Feminist in a contrived way where I have to be reminded every 5 minutes the characters are women? Like, I know, I am reading a story about women. Please don't mention it several times a chapter. There are ethical and moral considerations about their profession and chosen organization that never really get given the weight required. There was a love interest for the main character that I hadn't heard of once until he was introduced like an hour from the end--maybe I missed more about him in the parts I skipped? Unknown.

ANNND THAT'S ALL FOLKS!!!

#quara talks books #my current book is mr penumbra's 24 hr bookstore by robin sloan and i'm not getting promising vibes from it 30% in #i'm gonna try to finish it but....the mc kind of annoys me #but i could live with that!#what i can't live with is the author's incessant need to talk about google constantly. there's a character who works for google.#does the author have a thing for google....?? why do they wanna **** google's ***** in this random presumably unaffiliated book????#also more product placement vibes like macbooks and kindles coming up a lot #like dude. please. stop. you promised me mysterious bookstore not megacorp tech worship #also the tech talk hasn't aged super well in this book imo #a bit amusing to read about people being very wowed by someone attending a party 'virtually' via webcam #in the post pandemic work from home era of zoom meeetings and teams meetings etc #also getting manic pixie dreamgirl vibes from main love interest #ANYWAY. stay tuned to see if I have to put this book in the middle or bottom tier (it's already missed its chance at 5 stars)

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whatsappautomationlook · 22 days ago

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The Virtual Fitting Room: Google’s Latest Shopping Innovation

Online shopping offers convenience, but at times, it could be risky. Maybe you found an attractive particular shirt or dress on the internet and ordered it only to have it arrive, not quite sitting right or not looking like you imagined. This leads to returns and wasted time, which no one likes.

Google’s New Virtual Try-On Tool

To address this issue, Google has unveiled a clever new feature. Before making a purchase, customers can use the virtual try-on feature to upload a photo of themselves and see how the clothing will fit their faces. It essentially serves as a fitting room for your expensive device, making internet shopping a bit more convenient and reliable.

How It Operates

This tool displays clothing according to your actual body shape using smart technology and Google's extensive product database. The clothes appear natural in your photo rather than flat or artificial because the system recognizes how fabrics stretch and fall. Although it is currently only available in the United States and primarily works with women's tops, Google intends to add more products soon.

Why It’s Helpful

Customers will have less trouble when the package arrives as a result. You can avoid the hassle of returning clothes that don't fit and are confident in your decision. As a result, it helps retailers reduce return requests while preserving customer satisfaction.

Designed for Everyone

Google made sure the virtual try-on works well for different body types and sizes. The system was trained with a variety of fabric types and real-life body shapes, so it tries to give a realistic preview for everyone.

Easy to Use

Since it’s built right into Google Search and Shopping, there’s no need for extra apps or complicated steps. When you find an item with a “Try it on” label, just upload your photo and see the preview instantly.

Looking Ahead

Google is working to expand this feature to other clothing types like pants and dresses. Eventually, it might include accessories too, offering a full virtual wardrobe experience.

Conclusion

A significant advancement in online shopping is Google's virtual try-on. It adds a personal touch that makes you shop more confidently and intelligently. You can now see exactly how clothes will fit you before you buy them, eliminating the need for guesswork. It's a straightforward concept that has the potential to significantly impact all online shoppers.

#try on feature #google try on #try on #virtual try on

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prasaddhumal82 · 1 month ago

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Google Search Evolves: Introducing AI Mode and Gemini Capabilities

Google is transforming its iconic Search experience with the rollout of AI Mode and the integration of its Gemini model. This marks a significant shift from simply delivering information to offering intelligent, interactive search capabilities. What Is AI Mode? AI Mode is a new, advanced search experience designed for users seeking deeper, more contextual answers. Built on Google’s Gemini 2.5…

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inkskinned · 2 years ago

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i got rickrolled today but it didn't work because i have adblocker installed, so youtube just told me i violated the terms of service. yesterday i was trying to edit a picture as a joke for my girlfriend, and google made me check a box to prove i'm human because i wasn't "searching normally".

it isn't just that capitalism is killing fun and whimsy, it is that any element of entertainment or joy is being fed upon by this mosquito body, one that will suck you dry at any vulnerability.

do you want to meet new friends in your city? download this app, visit our website, sign up for our email list. pay for this class on making a terrarium, on candlemaking, on cooking. it will be 90 dollars a session. you can go to group fitness, but only under our specific gym membership. solve the puzzle, sign up for our puzzle-of-the-month-club. what is a club if not just a paid opportunity - you are all paying for the same thing, which makes you a community.

but you're like me, i know it - you're careful, you try the library meetings and the stuff at the local school and all of that. the problem is that you kind of want really specific opportunities that used to exist. you are so grateful for libraries and the publicly-funded things: they are, however, an exception - and everything they have, they've fought tooth-and-nail to protect. you read a headline about how in many other states, libraries have virtually nothing left.

do you want to meet up with your friends afterwards? gift your friends the discord app. you can choose to go to a cafe (buy a coffee, at least), a bar (money, alcohol) or you can all stay in and catch a movie (streaming) or you can all stay in bed (rent. don't get me started) and scream (noise complaint. ticket at least).

you want to read a new book, but the book has to have 124 buzzwords from tiktok readers that are, like, weirdly horny. you can purchase this audiobook on audible! your podcast isn't on spotify, it's on its own server, pay for a different site. fuck, at least you're supporting artists you like. the art museum just raised their ticket price. once, they had a temporary exhibit that acknowledged that ~85% of their permanent art galleries were from cis white men, and that they had thousands of works by women (even famous women, like frida! georgia o'keefe!) just rotting in their basement. that exhibit lasted for 3 months and then they put everything away again.

walmart proudly supports this strip of land by the street! here are some flowers with wilting leaves. its employees have to pay out-of-pocket for their uniforms. my friend once got fined by the city because she organized a community pick-up of the riverfront, which was technically private property.

no, you cannot afford to take that dance class, neither can i. by the way - i'm a teacher. i'm absolutely not saying "educators shouldn't be paid fairly." i'm saying that when i taught classes, renting a studio went from 20 bucks an hour to 180 in the span of 6 months. no significant changes to the studio were made, except they now list the place as updated and friendly. the heat still doesn't work in the building. i have literally never seen the landlord who ignores my emails. recently they've been renting it out at night as an "unusual nightclub; a once-in-a-lifetime close-knit party." they spent some of those 180 dollars on LEDs and called it renovating. the high heels they invite in have been ruining the marley.

do you want to experience the old internet? do you want to play flash games or get back the temporary joy of club penguin? you can, you just need to pay for it. i have a weird, neurodivergent obsession with occasionally checking in to watch the downfall and NFT-ification of neopets. if i'm honest with you all - i never got into webkins, my family didn't have the money to buy me a pointless elephant. people forget that "being poor" can mean literally "if i buy you that toy, i can't afford rent."

you and i don't have time to make good food, and we don't have the budget for it. we are not gonna be able to host dinner parties, we're not made of money, kid. do you want some kind of 3rd space? a space that isn't home or work or school? you could try being online, but - what places actually exist for you? tiktok counts as social media because you see other people on it, not because they actually talk to you.

there was a local winter tradition of sledding down the hill at my school. kids would use pizza boxes and jackets and whatever worked, howling and laughing. back in september, they made a big announcement that this time, rules were changing, and everyone must pay 10 dollars to participate. when im not scared shitless, i kind of appreciate the environmental irony - it hasn't gone below 40. so much for snow & joyriding.

i saw a bulletin for a local dogwalking group and, nervous about making a good first impression, showed up early. the first guy there grimaced at me. "sorry," he said. "there's a 30-dollar buy-in fee." i thought he was joking. wait. for what? the group doesn't offer anything except friendship and people with whom to walk around the city.

he didn't know the answer. just shrugged at me. "you know," he said. "these days, everything costs money."

#spilled ink #warm up #“why did u tag it warm up” bc i wrote it off the cuff while drinkin coffee lol #btw the 30 dollar buy in for the dog walking is bc they pay the organizer a small pittance so she can #run fb ads and stuff and like she does put in a lot of work i don't mind paying her #but that's exactly what im fucking talking about like.#ppl can't afford to volunteer their time anymore and we all understand it!!! everything costs money for everyone!#like we didn't have to use to say ''do you mind paying me back for the stuff we ate''#we used to be able to afford to feed our friends once in a while!!!

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nickgerlich · 10 months ago

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Size Matters

The way we shop continues to evolve, but in some regards, it’s also a case of what goes around, comes around. Funny how that happens.

More than a century ago, if you lived out of town, you purchased pretty much everything from a catalog, from clothes to even your house. Sears and Montgomery Ward both sold “house kits” that, once delivered, had to be assembled much like an IKEA bookshelf. Just harder.

But even in more recent years, companies like Sears, JC Penney, and Montgomery Ward also issued an annual catalog chock full of the latest fashions. You had to make your size selection with fingers crossed. It was a crapshoot at best. And in a nod to nostalgia, J. Crew just announced they are reviving their catalog, seven years after retiring it.

Now consider e-commerce, which is basically just an online catalog. As much as people squirm and put up resistance to buying clothing online, they probably did it without question from a paper catalog. But resistance is resistance, and savvy marketers know they have to figure out a way to overcome.

Which leads us to the topic of virtual try-on. That handy size chart you see a link away from any garment you’re pondering is evolving into interactive sizing video powered by AI. Google Shopping just announced it is expanding its virtual try-on from men’s and women’s tops to now include ladies’ dresses. Shoppers can select from real models of all shapes, sizes, and colors to get a better idea of how a garment will look. And since a dress necessarily has to fit in a lot more places than a shirt, there’s a lot more consumer hesitancy to overcome.

Interestingly, Google’s efforts lag substantially behind what Walmart has already done. Two years ago the company launched its version of an AI-powered look book, but with the added twist that shoppers could upload a photo of themself and then see the garment superimposed. Thus far, Walmart’s program is only available for women’s clothing.

Wait. Isn’t that just a bit creepy? I mean, at minimum you are sharing pics of yourself, but someone else could have twisted fun at your expense.

While I am dead certain I would pass if and when Walmart adds the feature in the Men’s department, I am good with Google’s version. After all, it still beats a static photo in a catalog or on a website. Photoshoots are expensive, models aren’t cheap, and if you’re trying to be size-inclusive, you have to show the garment on both big and small people. How much better it would be if we could just let AI do all of that modeling for us, right?

There will always be risk when buying clothes sight-unseen. Colors in print or on-screen may not be realistic, and can look vastly different against various skin tones. There is terrible inconsistency in sizing across brands, even within a brand if they outsource manufacturing across multiple providers. And then there’s the fact that you are uniquely you, with all of your proportionalities. One size fits all? You gotta be kidding.

Both Google and Walmart are not perfect…yet. While we may still be going through the motions of buying clothes from afar, just like 125 years ago, the shopping proposition has gotten better. Stir in some AI, and we’re getting much closer to a fitting room experience without actually having to do it.

I’m good with that, because as far as I’m concerned, that’s the last thing I want to be doing on a Saturday afternoon. Bring it, Google and Walmart. If it doesn’t fit, I’ll just return it.

Dr “Try This On For Size” Gerlich

Audio Blog

#marketing #Google Shopping #Walmart #virtual try-on

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thegreatyin · 2 months ago

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What, precisely, is fallen London, and how can I play it? Ive been told it's a browser game, will it work on my phones browser or only my computer's?

SWEEPS EVERYTHING OFF MY DESK. SLAMS MY HANDS ON THE COUNTER. you're in luck because advertising this game is apparently my specialty.

fallen london is a free browser game that works on anything with an internet connection!! laptops, phones, tablets, the decade old 3ds you have stashed in the back of your closet- if you can open a web browser, you can run fallen london. the UI obviously differs between desktop and mobile, and desktop has the benefit of extensions that can make your life marginally easier, but that's all a strictly optional affair.

as for the game's actual contents; fallen london is a text-based horror game closely reminiscent of classic "choose your own adventure" books. you play as a new arrival to an alternate history version of victorian london that now flourishes in a deep, dark, marvelous (and more than slightly eldritch!) cavern known as "the neath", with the goal of making your name and ultimately pursuing one of the four possible ambitions that brought you here to begin with. along the way you encounter a wide variety of strange and inexplicable things, including but not limited to;

men with the faces of squid (who are not truly men)

actual real soul-stealing devils (who originate from Actual Real Hell, which is also london's next door neighbor)

snakes that are eternally bound to the realm beyond mirrors (who have an infamous feud with sapient talking cats)

treacheries of time, law, and all that which the gods hold dear (including the ability to bypass death itself)

sirens who are convinced they're dead (in a place where, as stated, death is easily bypassed)

sentient landmasses that get REALLY annoyed if you don't pay your taxes on time (and are also single and ready to mingle)

fabric that is not fabric (which is held in quite high value by certain giant bat monsters)

spiders that eat eyeballs (but are, fortunately, easily distracted by shakespeare)

genres of colors you didn't think possible (in seven fantastical flavors!)

batkissing (not canonically, but in our hearts)

batfucking (this is, somehow, marginally more canon than the above thing)

batmarriage (no.)

batdivorce (in comically large spades)

The Hat Man (who's in love with and yearns to become like a sentient island)

gay people (a lot of them)

trans people (also a lot of them)

doomed love, in all possible forms (as well as those who try and collect it)

this thing (this thing)

and last- but certainly not least-

a pitiful hope that perhaps, just perhaps, all shall one day be well. (even when you know it won't be.)

it's a game with lore as deep as the ocean, and a staggering wordcount (4.5 million!) to boot. it's not perfect, but it's something i've grown to love deeply, and in my experience? if it doesn't click for you, that's understandable. but if it clicks for you, it really does click for you. i recommend it to anyone and everyone who so much as looks its way. who knows! it may just surprise you 🦇☀️🦀🌃

as a further incentive, here are some out-of-context items and excerpts:

as stated, you can play it right now for free at fallen london dot com. there is a subscription and a small bounty of microtransactions on offer if you want to support the development team, but at no point is this ever required, and you will be playing for years before you reach the end of stuff to accomplish. all major content updates are free and available to all players, and FOMO to this day remains virtually non-existent. as once again stated, the browser specs are non-existent. if you can run google, you can run fallen london.

so head on down!! give the neath a try!! follow admiralty orders and dump a bunch of bombs directly into the zee (underground sea) whilst accidentally waking up a giant grieving sea urchin that screams fire and violently pursues your demise!! (that's what we're all doing right now, anyway.)

if the browser game isn't for you, there's also other outlets with which to explore the universe. you can find the spinoff games Sunless Seas, Sunless Skies, and Mask of The Rose available to purchase right now on steam, and there's recently been a very successful kickstarter to adapt the game into a TTRPG. it looks very cool so far. im very very very excited for it :)

in lieu of having to come up with a conclusion for this ask, im instead going to direct you to the MoTR stupendium song (which you'll find linked below). it says far more and advertises far better than i could ever dream of. also, it's a straight bop, and "all ends/swords pens" has lived rent-free in my brain for months.

youtube

welcome to the neath, delicious friend. we hope you enjoy your stay ❤️

#ask #fallen london #long post

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sizzlingsandwichperfection-blog · 2 years ago

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john green quit tumblr because of the cock monologue

No, he didn’t.

This all happened a long time ago, and my memory is imperfect, but here’s my memory: The cock monologue certainly hurt my feelings! But when people are trying to force someone out of a virtual space, they sometimes resort to behavior that is similar to bullying except it’s not completely identical to bullying because the person they’re making fun of has a lot of power. (As someone who got bullied a lot in school, the feeling was similar in 2014 but it wasn’t identical--because I was aware of the fact that I was okay, that what was in danger was certain aspects of my identity/self-value that I treasured but not my entire personhood itself.)

Anyway, it hurt my feelings, and still hurts my feelings when I see it shared (it feels to me like a joke about my sexuality, although I understand other people don’t see it that way; but yeah, you don’t know much about my sexuality and I don’t really want you to but it feels like a joke about that to me, which just bums me out).

But all of that stuff is a side effect of my job and having been successful at it, and I like my job. It is a great job. All jobs have aspects that suck. My job has fewer such aspects than other jobs I’ve had.

So yeah, I did not quit tumblr because of the cock monologue. (I also did not ask tumblr to make reblogs un-editable.) .

I quit tumblr because a few people started to make extremely specific threats. One might, for instance, send me an ask that featured a google streetview screenshot of my home alongside a plan for breaking into it.

I was super scared of these people (or possible person pretending to be a few people?) because they seemed to have a lot of knowledge about me and my family. We lived in a normal middle-class neighborhood in Indianapolis and I felt very exposed and nervous all the time in my real life, and eventually the freaked-out feeling just got too big and that’s why I quit tumblr.

(Edited to add: I am aware that prominent people sometimes use death threats against them to portray themselves as victims and protect themselves against justified criticism for their bigotry or abusive behavior or whatever. I don’t want to do that; it’s important to note that I have a lot of resources and power and so was able to, for instance, move to decrease the threat, which a lot of people can’t do. But I also feel like not talking about the experience honestly has not really helped me or anyone.)

I SHOULD’VE quit tumblr much earlier--I needed to realize that people weren’t comfortable with me in their virtual spaces and that to them I came across as cringey or even creepy, but at the time, I wasn’t nearly self-aware enough to leave for any of those reasons, and plus there was a lot of pressure from movie studios etc to stay on the social Internet so I could continue to promote my books and the stuff around them. So I didn’t quit when I should’ve, and as a result had and caused quite a few negative experiences for people. I’m sorry about the role I had in causing those negative experiences. I should’ve had a better understanding of not just how I experienced myself but also how other people might experience me. That’s something i’ve worked on over the years but still come up short on sometimes.

At any rate, I might delete this later because it makes me feel a bit like all my nerves are exposed to the air but I did just want to clarify that the, like, Tumblr Legend of this whole thing is at minimum a bit over simplified.

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irontalelady · 29 days ago

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Say Goodbye to Bad Fits with Google Try-On

There has always been some risk when purchasing apparel online. You pick a model you like from a hundred photos, order it, and hope for the best. The package then arrives. It also doesn't always look like what you had in mind. Google's new "Try-On" feature, which might be the most clever online shopping experience yet, is set to change this.

What Is Google's Try-On Feature?

Imagine that you're in front of a mirror, trying on various garments — but you are not in a shop. You are on your laptop or phone, and rather than hypothesizing how that shirt or dress would fit, Google demonstrates for you precisely how it would fit.

This new virtual try-on tool uses state-of-the-art AI to show you how clothes will fit your body. All you have to do is upload an image, and Google will overlay the selected ensemble on it. Because it takes into account your body type, posture, and the way different fabrics behave, what you see is far more realistic than a product photo.

Why This Is a Big Deal

Not knowing how something will fit or look in person is a major pain when shopping online. Even though the pictures might be stunning, they are nearly always of models who are not the same size or shape as the typical customer. That results in returns, disappointment, and uncertainty.

Google's try-on feature aims to remove that guesswork. Instead of merely imagining how a dress will hang or how those jeans will fit, you'll be able to see it on yourself, in real time, and from different angles. It's revolutionary, especially for people who have been hesitant to buy clothes online.

More Than Just Trying On Clothes

But Google didn't stop there. Along with virtual try-ons, they're also launching AI Mode, a smart shopping assistant built into Google Search.

When planning a trip, think about looking for the "best waterproof jacket for hiking in the rain." AI Mode may recommend jackets based on your size, style, and even the weather forecast for the dates you intend to travel, in addition to offering links associated with your search. Your shopper would know exactly what you need.

Easier Checkout, Too

Everybody has had the experience of discovering something they love but it's a little too expensive. So you either forget about it, wait, or lose the link. Google's agent checkout feature now allows you to set a price alert. When the item's price drops to your desired level, Google will notify you and even help you complete a quick Google Pay checkout. No navigating between tabs or filling out shipping forms.

Who Can Use It?

Google's Search Labs is currently testing these features in the United States. Even though the technology's worldwide availability has not yet been verified, it is evident that it has the potential to be widely used. When it does, it could fundamentally change the way we shop online.

Final Thoughts

Instead of being stressful, online shopping should be fun. And with Google's new intelligent shopping feature and virtual try-on, it feels like we're finally getting there. By combining convenience and personalization, Google is tackling the particular problems that make online fashion difficult and improving the overall intelligence, smoothness, and satisfaction of the experience.

Regardless of your level of website browsing experience, you should try this tool. Because when it comes to internet shopping, seeing is truly believing.

#google try on #try on feature #try on #virtual try on #ai try on

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dreamsteddie · 8 months ago

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Wowza. Part one blew up way more than I thought it would so here! Part two! I do have more thoughts about this so there might be a couple more parts to come. We'll see ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

------

Eddie takes half a second to consider just not answering. Maybe throwing his phone away and never going back to the restaurant they went to last night so he never has to confront whatever it is that's about to happen. Maybe even fleeing the country and living alone on a sheep farm with no friends and go relationships ever again so something like this never happens again.

But then he thinks of Steve. Kind, funny Steve with the bright eyes and soft skin who looked at Eddie like he could fall in love with him and he knows that whatever comes next, Steve deserves for Eddie to see it through with him.

New Message: Steve H.

Hey

Just that one word sends Eddie's heart into his throat. He can see that Steve is still typing, those little ellipses of doom popping on and off the screen. Realistically, Steve probably doesn't know what happened, right? Eddie's pretty sure Steve wasn't in on it and it's been less than an hour since Eddie himself found out, so probably not.

Steve H: Gareth called me

Fuck.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

If Eddie's heart was in his throat at the first text, the second one has it dropping through his body and out of his goddamned ass. It's not that he doesn't want Steve to know. He was always planning to tell him, he was just hoping he could be the one to do it. Gareth being a little shit and calling Steve first was not part of the plan.

Steve H: He told be about the prank. I'm sorry if I wasn't what you expected and you were just being nice. We can pretend it never happened. No hard feelings.

Eddie slams his head into his pillow. This is such a cluster fuck he can hardly bring himself to look at the text but he needs to come up with some kind of response, like, yesterday if he wants any chance of keeping the man of his dreams from running for the hills because apparently, Eddie's friends are trying to destroy his life. He takes a deep breath and starts typing.

Eddie: Hey, I'm so sorry about that. I just found out about what they did an hour ago at practice. I didn't think they would just call you out of the blue like that, I was just about to text you.

Not completely true, but Eddie was going to text him about it, just after screaming into his pillow and making a couple Vudu dolls first.

Eddie: For what it's worth I really do like you and I would love to still take you out on that second date, but I understand if my friends scared you off and you want nothing to do with me. I know it's fucked up.

It takes a minute for Steve to respond, the typing bubbles ebbing and flowing as Steve types and retypes whatever it is he wants to say. Eddie is about ready to call it a wash and start googling sheep farms for sale in Ireland when a new text comes in, dispelling all thoughts of learning to sheer wool.

Steve H: Are you sure?

And fuck if that doesn't hurt his heart. Eddie has spent all of two and a half hours with Steve, he's a virtual stranger, but Eddie can swear he can feel all of Steve's secondhand insecurity through that one lonely sentence. Before he even registers what he's asking, he send a quick reply.

Eddie: Can I Facetime you?

Before Eddie can try to rethink his decision, his screen lights up with a notification. Steve is calling him.

Eddie scrambles to answer, fumbling his phone a little in his haste and almost missing the call completely. He manages to get it on the last ring, breathing heavily in a way he knows can't be flattering.

All thoughts about his lack of dexterity fly out the window when he looks into his screen. On their date, Steve was perfectly put together. Hair meticulously done, clothes freshly pressed, and a light sheen of lipgloss accentuating the perfect curve of his mouth. While Steve is still beautiful through the lens of his camera, it's clear that he's been crying. His eyes are red and a little puffy, hair out of order in a way Eddie thinks is probably unusual for him, and Eddie can see that he's wearing a well-loved beige hoodie.

"Hi," Steve says, waving a shy hand almost the same way he had last night.

"Hey sweetheart," Eddie says, keeping his voice low and gentle, desperate to soothe Steve however he can through the distance of their phones.

For a minute they just look at each other, neither one knowing what to say in a situation like this. Eddie sees Steve gearing up to say something, but he cuts in before he starts. There's something he needs to say while Steve can see him face to face.

"I'm really sorry about what happened!" He says, much lounder than he intended. "My friends were being dicks. I haven't dated in a while and instead of being normal fucking people they set up this whole stupid prank but I swear I wasn't in on it!"

Something about what he says draws a small smile from the corner of Steve's mouth, so Eddie keeps talking. "Besides, if they wanted to prank me they should have picked someone that isn't a literal fucking model in disguise. There wasn't a chance in hell I wasn't going to beg you for that second date."

At that, Steve gives a little chuckle and it lifts Eddie's heart from where it'd fallen onto the floor and puts in back in his chest 10 times lighter than before.

"Jesus, are you always such a flirt Munson?" he says.

"Only when the boys are especially pretty," Eddie responds.

Steve gives another little laugh at that before sobering up. He gives Eddie a long look through the phone, and Eddie lets him.

"Are you sure you don't want to just call it quits here man? Gareth was pretty adamant that I'm not the kind of guy you usually go for. I don't want you to feel like you have to humor me out of kindness." There's a forced flippancy to Steve's words that Eddie knows well from his own Munson Coping Strategies Handbook. Steve is trying to give him an out, but Eddie can tell that he doesn't want to.

For the first time since this all started, Eddie is well and truly mad. Gareth and Jeff had absolutely no business poking around in his love life in the first place, but now they've reached out to the guy Eddie already told them he liked to what? Tell him never mind actually, we don't think you're the right guy for our friend even though he told us very explicitly how into you he is.

Eddie lets all the frustration, anger, and tenuous hope building up in his chest fuel his reply. This one has to count, he can feel it. It's a charisma saving throw with the whole campaign on the line. He can't miss this one.

"Honestly Steve, if you asked me two days ago what I was looking for in a partner, I probably would have said I wanted to date another alternative metalhead or punk who likes playing DnD and getting high on the weekend." Eddie can see Steve's shoulders slump as his eyes dart away, but he pushes on, determined to make his point.

"But, I haven't had as good a time as we had last night in a really long time." Steve looks back up, eyes alight with the same tentative hope Eddie himself is channeling. "I think you're funny and interesting, and you have the absolute worst takes on ice cream flavors, and you're hot as hell. Like, seriously the hottest guy I've ever seen in real life."

Steve smiles, the edges of his eyes crinkling.

Critical success.

"So, about that second date."

Part Three

-------

Tag List

@wheneverfeasible @the-dark-hearts @sofadofax @wrenisfangirling @whatfinestandsfor @lilpomelito @raisedbylibrarians @ollyxar @mugloversonly @xxbottlecapx @hezaaxdexangelous @kimsnooks @that-one-gay-crow

#steddie #fanfiction #stranger things #eddie munson #steve harrington #corroded coffin #This is kind of my first time writing real dialogue #so lmk if it sounds weird #if I do another part #it will probably be about steddie getting closer #while Eddie avoids his friends #and they both grapple with what it would mean to reconcile with them #dreamer speaks

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pillowfort-social · 1 year ago

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Generative AI Policy (February 9, 2024)

As of February 9, 2024, we are updating our Terms of Service to prohibit the following content:

Images created through the use of generative AI programs such as Stable Diffusion, Midjourney, and Dall-E.

This post explains what that means for you. We know it’s impossible to remove all images created by Generative AI on Pillowfort. The goal of this new policy, however, is to send a clear message that we are against the normalization of commercializing and distributing images created by Generative AI. Pillowfort stands in full support of all creatives who make Pillowfort their home. Disclaimer: The following policy was shaped in collaboration with Pillowfort Staff and international university researchers. We are aware that Artificial Intelligence is a rapidly evolving environment. This policy may require revisions in the future to adapt to the changing landscape of Generative AI.

Why is Generative AI Banned on Pillowfort?

Our Terms of Service already prohibits copyright violations, which includes reposting other people’s artwork to Pillowfort without the artist’s permission; and because of how Generative AI draws on a database of images and text that were taken without consent from artists or writers, all Generative AI content can be considered in violation of this rule. We also had an overwhelming response from our user base urging us to take action on prohibiting Generative AI on our platform.

How does Pillowfort define Generative AI?

As of February 9, 2024 we define Generative AI as online tools for producing material based on large data collection that is often gathered without consent or notification from the original creators.

Generative AI tools do not require skill on behalf of the user and effectively replace them in the creative process (ie - little direction or decision making taken directly from the user). Tools that assist creativity don't replace the user. This means the user can still improve their skills and refine over time.

For example: If you ask a Generative AI tool to add a lighthouse to an image, the image of a lighthouse appears in a completed state. Whereas if you used an assistive drawing tool to add a lighthouse to an image, the user decides the tools used to contribute to the creation process and how to apply them.

Examples of Tools Not Allowed on Pillowfort: Adobe Firefly* Dall-E GPT-4 Jasper Chat Lensa Midjourney Stable Diffusion Synthesia

Example of Tools Still Allowed on Pillowfort:

AI Assistant Tools (ie: Google Translate, Grammarly) VTuber Tools (ie: Live3D, Restream, VRChat) Digital Audio Editors (ie: Audacity, Garage Band) Poser & Reference Tools (ie: Poser, Blender) Graphic & Image Editors (ie: Canva, Adobe Photoshop*, Procreate, Medibang, automatic filters from phone cameras)

*While Adobe software such as Adobe Photoshop is not considered Generative AI, Adobe Firefly is fully integrated in various Adobe software and falls under our definition of Generative AI. The use of Adobe Photoshop is allowed on Pillowfort. The creation of an image in Adobe Photoshop using Adobe Firefly would be prohibited on Pillowfort.

Can I use ethical generators?

Due to the evolving nature of Generative AI, ethical generators are not an exception.

Can I still talk about AI?

Yes! Posts, Comments, and User Communities discussing AI are still allowed on Pillowfort.

Can I link to or embed websites, articles, or social media posts containing Generative AI?

Yes. We do ask that you properly tag your post as “AI” and “Artificial Intelligence.”

Can I advertise the sale of digital or virtual goods containing Generative AI?

No. Offsite Advertising of the sale of goods (digital and physical) containing Generative AI on Pillowfort is prohibited.

How can I tell if a software I use contains Generative AI?

A general rule of thumb as a first step is you can try testing the software by turning off internet access and seeing if the tool still works. If the software says it needs to be online there’s a chance it’s using Generative AI and needs to be explored further.

You are also always welcome to contact us at [email protected] if you’re still unsure.

How will this policy be enforced/detected?

Our Team has decided we are NOT using AI-based automated detection tools due to how often they provide false positives and other issues. We are applying a suite of methods sourced from international universities responding to moderating material potentially sourced from Generative AI instead.

How do I report content containing Generative AI Material?

If you are concerned about post(s) featuring Generative AI material, please flag the post for our Site Moderation Team to conduct a thorough investigation. As a reminder, Pillowfort’s existing policy regarding callout posts applies here and harassment / brigading / etc will not be tolerated.

Any questions or clarifications regarding our Generative AI Policy can be sent to [email protected].

#pillowfort.social #pifo #pillowfort.soc #pfstaffalert #tos #policy #ai #please share #february 2024

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cult-of-husbandos · 2 years ago

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yami ai [yandere] - Hot Yandere Singles Near You

synopsis: you click on a random pop-up ad and are visited by weird smiling man in suit.

genre: pure crack (like fr), fluff, tbh there's not really a plot

word count: 4.4k

warnings: implied stalking

Isn’t insomnia just the worst? Like, seriously? What’s the point of being a human being with antiquated thoughts and impressive cognitive and motor skills when your brain fights you on the most basic stuff. For example, like sleeping!!

You must’ve refreshed YouTube and Twitter over a thousand times. Over 8 billion people in the world and there’s no new content anywhere? You groaned and jumped back over onto Twitter, silently praying and pleading for something new to show up on your feed. Maybe a wacky billionaire got eaten by a mob of homeless people or maybe a news article about a Floridian doing something gross and outrageous and virtually impossible.

But nope. Nothing.

Not a single thing piqued your interest. You groaned again and looked at the time on your dimly lit phone. It was past 2 a.m. and you were bored out of your mind. You then lazily clicked on Google and sighed.

‘Maybe someone posted a new fanfic over something…’ you hoped. And even if there wasn’t a new fic uploaded you’ll just read the old ones you favorited. Perhaps reading something might put you to sleep.

As you were scrolling through your favorite ship tags, you were startled by a pop up ad covering up 90% of the screen and flashing emojis.

“Ugh… seriously?” you groaned. “They should make ad-blockers on phones for this shit.” You squinted at the bright lettering emanating from your phone even though it was at the lowest brightness setting.

⚠️(99+) Hot Yandere Singles NEAR YOU⚠️

Yandere’s…? Singles? Near me?

The pop-up ad had flashing peach, cherry, and eggplant emojis with a water splash emoji at the end to signify… well, you’re not sure what it was trying to signify. On the sides of the ad, it showed pictures of very gorgeous men and women, all striking suggestive poses. Underneath the title was a small summary that read. ‘These lonely desperate yanderes wanna meet you! They’ll most likely find you anyway, but wouldn’t you rather be the honey to a bee instead of a fly? Try it NOW for FREE!! No hookups! No catfishes! No sign ups!’ Then below that were a few empty boxes to fill out requiring your personal information.

"..."

Was this a porn ad?!

No way at 2:45 in the freaking morning did you just get a porn pop-up ad while googling mafia au fanfiction. This has to be some kind of joke. Maybe it was prank and someone was just fucking with you. And how and why would there be 99+ yanderes in your area?! You couldn’t be surrounded by that many psychos. Could you? Whatever the case may be, it was now past 2 a.m. and as the rule of life states ‘Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.’. You don’t know if it was the lack of sleep or just reckless curiosity, but you gave your shoulders a shrug and mumbled a ‘fuck it’ as you put in your information. Your name, number, gender, age, preferred sex, email, and mailing address. As you clicked submit and continued scrolling, you gave very little thought about how this would go down.

On one hand, the ad turns out to be real and you get a partner out of this. Or

You get quartered, stalked, doxxed, and murdered like the dumbass you are for putting your personal info into a sketchy porno-like pop-up on Google.

Or, it turns out to be a prank and some asshole sitting in a basement has a good laugh at you.

Meh. You’ll deal with it in the morning.

*****

You were jolted awake with the sound of rapid knocking coming from your front door. You groaned into your pillow as you tried to ignore the person desperately wanting your attention from outside your apartment. You finally got some sleep only for it to get interrupted. Only minutes and minutes of continued knocking without any signs of letting up, you decide to get up and shoo away whoever it was. You wearily grabbed your phone to check the time.

8:02 a.m.

You huffed as you stormed towards the front door.

“If this a fucking Jehova’s Witness, I swear to god…” you grumbled. You swung open the door and threw the person a harsh glare, only to be met with popping sounds as confetti flew in your face.

“Good morning, my dear darling~!! Are you ready to begin on the road to happiness and love?” the stranger shouted a far too happy tone for 8 in the morning.

You took a step back in shock, fully awake as you waved and dusted the confetti from your face and hair. You looked the strange man up and down. He was smiling ear to ear and wore an expensive looking suit to warm for the summer weather. A briefcase stood right beside him along with dozens of other party poppers and a white plastic bag filled with brown bottles with oddly enough no labels on them. You looked at the man’s face. He was surprisingly attractive and without a single flaw anywhere. His hair was jet black and shined a very prominent gloss. You were honestly kind of embarrassed to be seen by him when you looked like such a mess. The man let out a chuckle.

“Oh my.” he said, gently putting his hand over his mouth with vague concern. “I hope I didn’t startle you too much. I probably should’ve sent you an email notifying you of the time I was coming. I’m sorry that must’ve been a troubling awakening.”

You quirked your eyebrow and took another step back, grabbing onto the doorknob so that you could slam it right in his face if things got too weird.

“And… you are?”

“Oh my, oh my. Where are my manners? How careless of me to assume.” The man bowed with a curtsy. “I am the ‘Matchmaker’. My job is to pair two people with their fated soulmate and give each of my clients their happily ever after. It’s very nice to meet you, (Y/N) (L/N).”

You felt a chill crawl down your spine. How’d this weirdo know your name?! You tried to close the door as fast as you could, but the ‘Matchmaker’ was even faster. He clicked his tongue at you, his smile unchanging, but his eyes seemed to harden his gentle tone.

“My, how rude. Is that any way to treat a guest?” He let out another chuckle. “You’ll never find love that way.”

“H-How did you know my name?” you stuttered.

Again, another chuckle. What was so funny? “My dear~. You gave it to me.”

What the hell was he talking about? How could you have given this creep your name? Was he a stalker? A junkie? Noticing the confusion on your face, the man spoke up again.

“Oh my dear. Do you really not remember?” he asked, tilting his head in feign innocence. “You filled out an ad to meet singles in your area. And here I am, coming to fulfill that ad.”

You eased up on the tension you had on the door and tilted your head in surprised confusion. “That was a real ad?”

The man stood up tall and smiled earnestly again. “Of course. However, you are the first person to actually fill out that ad. Really, this is more of a celebration to both of us.”

Huh, so the pop-up ad was real.

Not a prank.

And now there’s a psycho standing at your front door promising you a partner from an actual yandere.

“I honestly thought it was a prank. I mean… yanderes? Isn’t that just an anime thing?”

“Oh, I assure you my darling.” he said with a snide smirk. “Yanderes are real. And when they heard about signing up, it was like tossing chicken in a sea of alligators. All clamoring to be the first person to take a bite.”

Okay, gross but kind of sweet.

“May I come in?”

“Huh?”

“Well, my dear. It would be easier to come in and talk through the process of how this goes instead of standing here.”

“Oh, um… Suuuree-”

“Great! My my darling~. What a lovely home. Very well decorated.” The man quickly strided into your house and made himself comfortable in your living room, looking as if he was analyzing every detail about your house.

Richard Chase would’ve loved your dumbass.

You shut the door and followed him into your own apartment and offered him a seat on your couch. Might as well, right? You’ve gone this far and you're still alive.

“Umm…” you hesitantly shifted from one foot to another. “Do you… um… want some coffee maybe? Or tea? Maybe a glass of water? If you haven;t eaten breakfast yet, I whip you up something.”

Yeah, sure. Feed the man with only a title for a name and waltzed right into your house after showing up after you put in your personal information into a random pop-up ad at 3 a.m. promising you a happy life with hot single yanderes in your area. You are the pinnacle of human genius. The apex of natural selection. The creme de la creme of common sense. Charles Darwin would be so impressed.

“How thoughtful. Just coffee would be fine. Thank you.”

After brewing a quick pot, you sat across from the man facing him heads on and gently slid him his steaming cup. After a while of taking little sips in weird silence, he spoke up again.

“Before we continue, I’d just like to say: Thank you so much for applying for this wonderful opportunity!! Not many people would click on an ad requiring doxxing information to meet their soulmates! Again, congrats on being our number one willing client!”

“Willing client?” you asked.

“Well, of course! For some reason, humans seem to really love the idea of a yandere until there’s one standing on their front porch!” he laughed.

“Humans? I’m sorry. Are you not human, Mr…?”

“Ah ah! No need for formalities! Just ‘The Matchmaker’ or simply ‘Matchmaker’.

“Oh, so… you don’t have a true name? Or is that just a title?”

“Oh darling~.” he sang sweetly. “That’s none of anyone’s fucking business, is it?”

Your eyes widened and let out a nervous chuckle. “Okay, got it! Just Matchmaker. Lovely name. Adore it. In fact, I love when strange mysterious men only give a title for a name.” What the hell does that even mean? You had no idea what you were saying anymore.

“Heh, smart cookie.” He winked. “Shall we begin?”

“Um, yeah, so… how does this work exactly?” you finally asked.

“Simple, my dear darling. Think of this as an ordinary matchmaking appointment. I have a stack of potential soulmates all ready to meet you. I have the same information about them that I also have of you. Each potential soulmate also has a picture so if you don’t really feel up to meeting face-to-face just yet you can look over the picture and see who captures your heart.”

“Face-to-face? So these guys have my picture too?” “Of course! And might I say, those pictures don’t do you justice. In all my years in this business, I’ve never seen such an obsession and overload of potential soulmates for just one person.”

You lightly blushed. “I-I don’t know about that… I barely got any sleep last night so I probably look like a zombie right now…”

“Au contraire, Darling. You look absolutely stunning. If I weren’t such a professional I would burn all these forms and claim you as my one and only~.”

You felt your entire face flush red as the Matchmaker pierced your soul with his longing gaze. It felt like he was staring into your very essence – like he could read you like a book. You nervously cleared your throat and shifted your eyes away, hoping to bring down your blush.

“S-So! Um… should we get started?” you stuttered, internally kicking yourself for being so easily flustered by a couple of smooth words. Ted Bundy would’ve had a field day with your dumbass.

“Ready whenever you are, my dear.” The Matchmaker set his briefcase on your coffee table and pulled out a single form and slid it over towards you. “Let’s start off with an easy one.”

You looked at the form along with the picture of a very attractive man paperclipped to the paper. According to the form, his name is Hamazawa Akita. He was in his early 20’s, had a varying array of hobbies from hiking to scuba diving, and was very much in love with you.

“Well, what do you think?”

“Hm, well, he’s very cute. And very active.”

“Would you like to meet him?”

“Um, sure… is there a number I could call or…?”

“No need! We can bring him in right now.” The Matchmaker snapped his fingers and you whipped your head towards the front door where Akita strolled in, all smiles. You looked back over the Matchmaker. “Did I not lock my door? Wait. More importantly, how’d he get here?!”

The Matchmaker smiled. “My dear, when you’re in this business you pick up a few tricks.” He then turned his attention towards Akita who now stood in the middle of the living room. “No. 1 would you like to introduce yourself?”

Akita stood tall and his eyes seemed to beam directly at you. “My name is Hamazawa Akita. Ever since I saw your picture I’ve dreamed about sweeping you off your feet and claiming you all to myself!”

“So, like 8 hours ago?”

“Yes!! But those hours feel like years when being away from you.”

“Hmm.”

“So, what do you think? Are you feeling the butterflies?”

You looked up Akita up and down and your face twisted as if you’re deciding on whether or not to buy a car or a piece of clothing.

“Um, to be honest my guy. I’m not feeling it.”

“Huh?”

“Excuse me, my darling?”

“Weeeelllll…. I mean, don’t get me wrong! You’re very attractive and your words are sweet, but I don’t think I believe any of it. Like, you just admitted to wanting me all to yourself only 8 hours ago, but I don’t really feel anything. Not even a shiver.”

The Matchmaker and Akita both looked at each other like they weren’t really expecting that. With a quick wave of his hand, Akita slumped his shoulders and headed towards your front door. You shouted out an apology as the dejected suitor walked out.

“Well, I didn’t expect that. I don’t normally get such competent clients. At least those that get past kicking and screaming.” The Matchmaker grinned. You shrugged.

“I guess I just know what I like. All the anime I’ve watched kind of gives you that high standard of what makes a yandere a real yandere, y’know?”

He nodded. “I cannot agree more. Well, we have plenty more where that came from. Shall we continue?”

*****

Papers were strewn across your coffee table in an unorganized fashion as both you and your estranged guest were tired beyond belief. You had no idea how many hours had passed nor how many guests were in and out of your apartment. You’re honestly surprised none of your neighbors complained or called the police. Your apartment would’ve looked like a clown car if anyone had been watching from the outside. You honestly lost count after No. 256. You let out another yawn and laid on your side trying your best to keep your eyes open. Maybe 2 hours of sleep wasn’t enough for the multiple interviews you had to conduct today. Maybe your 9th grade biology teacher was right. Maybe you are going to die alone. A weary sigh brought you from your thoughts.

“My, my. You are definitely the most high standard client I’ve ever had. I didn’t think we’d get to the triple digits in just one day.”

You also sighed and sat up in your seat. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… All these guys are cute and all, but they’re all lacking something. They’re either too forceful or not forceful enough. Too wimpy or too strong. Or too obsessed or just incredibly so lovesick that I feel like they’d fall in love with just about anyone who’d be willing. Ugh, why can’t this be simpler like adopting an animal?” You groaned. You also hadn’t thought this would take this long. You didn’t really think of yourself as having high standards until today. Until today, you’d be happy with anyone close to you in age and with a heartbeat. Who knew picking out a yandere soulmate would be so challenging. And who knew that there’d be so many willing participants! The Matchmaker reached into his briefcase and pulled another stack of forms and slid them over to you. There must be at least over a hundred papers in front of you. How did he have so many?!

“How about we switch things up, hm? You’ll look over the papers and when you see someone that catches your eye, I’ll bring him in.” He made it sound like you were adopting a dog or a cat. But if this made it go any faster, you were willing to try.

After about 3 more stacks of papers, you were starting to lose hope and patience. When you got to the last few papers, you stopped dead in your tracks. Woah baby!

“Woah baby!” you exclaimed.

“Did you find someone you like?” The Matchmaker asked hopefully.

“Oh yeah. This guy.” You showed him the paper. He furrowed his brows a little.

“Are you sure? I don’t think I remember this man. His name and face don’t seem familiar.”

“Really? Maybe he’s a late entry or something?”

Matchmaker stroked his chin in thought. “I’ll go check it out. Be right back, dear. I’m very sorry for this inconvenience.”

You waved off his apology with a smile and he left your apartment. You then leaned back with a groan. You just wanted to find your ‘soulmate’ or whatever and move on with this day. You closed your eyes for a second and waited patiently for Matchmaker to come back.

Tap tap tap

Just like deja vu, you were awoken by rapid knocking. Except this time it wasn’t coming from your front door.

Tap tap tap tap

It sounds like it’s coming from… your window?

Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap

You quickly got up and walked towards your window and opened it.

“Woah!” You jumped back a little as you were met face to face with the man that you had picked out and that the Matchmaker went to go find.

‘Wow… he’s even cuter in person!!’

He let out a delicious chuckle and gave you a charming smile.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, darling~. Hehe, though I think that fear in your eyes was worth it. So adorable~.” For the second time today, a complete weirdo stranger has made you blush. Wait…

“Wait! I don’t have a balcony and I’m on the third floor. How’d you-?” You peeked over the window to see if he was pulling a Criss Angel.

“I have incredible grip strength~.” he winked.

“Oooh I’m sure~.” you swooned. For a weirdo, he was a smooth talking weirdo.

“Oh, I got these for you, sweetheart~.” He pulled himself up and sat on your windowsill and pulled out a bouquet of roughly cut flowers from behind him. You gasped and grabbed them, giving them a smell.

“These are my favorite!! How did you know? I don’t think that was one of the pieces of info required for the Matchmaker.” you asked.

The stranger chuckled. “Easy. I never filled out that stupid application.”

You looked up from your flowers and titled your head like a confused puppy.

“I already know everything about you. I don’t need a stupid piece of paper to tell me what I already know about you. Like, how I know that you have secret sweets hidden all throughout your room. Or that whenever you have a good day you love to sing Stray Kids.”

He inched closer to you as you backed up further into the room.

“You won’t eat frozen pizza, but every so often you eat a lobster roll from a food truck from Gary on Main St.. You have life destroying evidence of your boss that you’re planning on using on your last day. You’ve seen the Barbie movie 5 times. And…”

You felt your legs hit the couch and tried to keep yourself from falling onto your back like a defenseless turtle.

“Your favorite anime is… Dar-” You quickly covered the stranger’s mouth with a furious blush.

“I only watch it ironically!! I don’t love it! It’s not my favorite!” you quickly clarified. The gravity of the situation was made perfectly clear after that. This man really knew all about you. Honestly, you’re so loud that you’re pretty sure that people on the ground outside could hear you singing. And you don’t really pay attention to your surroundings so it's easy for someone to know that you eat from a food truck every other week at specific times. But, knowing your favorite secretly watched anime?

“W-Who… are you?” you stuttered. You’re pretty sure you already knew the answer.

He laughed and you felt his lips brush against your fingers. You blushed and tried to pull back, only to be stopped by his hands.

“Sweetie~. You already know who I am.” He grabbed the paper from the stack and put it next to his face. “See? I’m Yami Ai. Your soulmate.”

Before you could even process what was happening, you were gently pushed onto the couch with Yami hovering over you holding your hands beside your head. You couldn’t stop the blush erupting from your neck to your face. Your heart was beating way too fast and your stomach felt jumpy and queasy. Butterflies.

You cleared your throat. “Um… so, if you didn’t fill out a form then how come The Matchmaker had your profile and picture? And why didn’t you use the front door?”

Yami smirked and leaned in closer. “It’s pretty simple to pull off when your apartment does security checks on new guests entering the building.”

“But, my apartment doesn’t–” you stopped. “Ooooh… So you impersonated a security guard, slipped your profile and info into his briefcase, and were planning on showing up as one of the potential singles? That’s… convoluted. But, smart.” You shrugged. “And since you obviously knew which floor I was on and which window was mine, I assume you’ve been watching me for a while and were watching me last night when I couldn’t sleep?”

Yami laughed again. “You are so smart~. You really catch on quickly, don’t you?”

You shrugged again with a nervous smile. “W-Well, obviously not smart enough to not put in my personal info and have strange men come in and out of my apartment.”

Yami was quick to turn his gentle smile into a hard, harsh frown. His grip on your wrists grew tighter and you winced under the force he placed in you.

“You know, my darling. It’s partially my fault. If I hadn’t backed out and taken you that night, you’d never be in this situation. With those men eyeing you up and down like you were theirs. Having that smiling freak calling you ‘dear’ and ‘darling’ when only I can call you that. I was planning on getting rid of the competition, but you did that for me.”

Yami loosened his grip and lifted you up, staring into your eyes. You blushed again.

“Rejection after rejection. Some guys didn’t even get 2 words out before you turned away. Of course my darling would only want the most perfect man. Isn’t that right, darling~?”

“Hehehe~” you leaned in with a giggle. “You’re so sweet~.”

You are such a baby for flattery.

*****

“My dear darling, I’m so very sorry for the inconvenience. I didn’t mean to be gone for so long, but I could not find this person you–” Matchmaker explained, rushing in and stopping dead in his tracks when he saw both you and Yami, the man who left 30 minutes ago to go find, eating breakfast in the living room.

Sitting in his lap.

And feeding each other.

“Oh! Matchmaker!” you exclaimed, quickly swallowing your food. You didn’t notice Yami tightening his grip on your waist nor did you notice the cold glare and tense atmosphere enveloping the room. “Look who I found~.”

“I see…” he said hesitantly.

“He climbed up the building and came in through the window.”

“My~. How romantic~.” he sang. “So, I take it that you are satisfied with your soulmate? Or… do you wish to continue searching?” he asked teasingly. Before Yami could say anything, you quickly spoke again.

“Yep! I’m sure.” You ruffled Yami’s hair and nuzzled up against him. “I wouldn’t trade him for anyone else.” Yami hugged you closer to his chest as you giggled. “Plus, he makes the most amazing breakfast in the world, so extra points!” you cheered. You reached out towards the Matchmaker’s briefcase.

“Here you go! I put all the papers back in for you.”

Matchmaker quickly walked over and grabbed his briefcase along with your hand. “Well, my dear. It’s been an honor. You are truly the most remarkable and memorable client I have ever had.” he said with a bow and made his way towards the door. However, before leaving he chuckled and looked back at the both of you. “Although, it’s a shame,” he sighed. “Maybe if I had stayed, I would’ve snatched you up myself.”

And with a final loud laugh, The Matchmaker disappeared, but not before Yami stood up to lounge and attack the fleeting man like a guard dog. You snorted and caressed his face to calm him down. “Relax, Yami. He’s just joking.”

“Well, I hated his joke. Fuckin’ freak…” he grumbled. “And it’s Ai. You’re mine now. You should get used to calling each other by our first names.”

You smiled and leaned against him. “Okay, Ai. Whatever you say.”

“And if a man comes to the door, never EVER answer it, got it!”

“Mhm.”

“I’m serious, darling. I’ll gouge their eyes out right in front of you.”

“Yes sir.”

The rest of your life was going to be very interesting. Suck it, Ms. Braxton. I guess you’re the one dying alone. Because you have a yandere boyfriend! And she has gonorrhea. Bitch.

---

a/n: this is so shit. i'm so sorry that i've been MIA for a while. work has been pretty crazy and i haven't really felt much motivated to write. however, i'm trying to get back into it now. with this goofy shit. kind of a joke piece, but i needed to write something silly and not serious at all to relax. (also i've been writing since 4 a.m., so...) anyways, i'm going to try and update regulary or at least post something.

Here's my YouTube. I make anime playlists.

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