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monicashipslokius · 4 years ago

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“Kneel.”

Loki looks at them, these simple mortal beings. So primitive. Like ants, running loose, lost without a queen. But they needn’t fear any longer. Loki is here, and will be their leader now. They will find purpose - glorious purpose - under their rule.

“Kneel!” Loki says again, louder, and finally they fall into line. One after the next, down to their knees, to praise -

“Um. Excuse me. Uh, sorry. This is awkward.” A man steps away from the rest. He’s wearing a dreary brown suit with a tie that needs fixing. Gray hair. Mustache. A typical, everyday Midgardian.

Loki should silence him at once. And yet - they still their hand. There’s something oddly... compelling about this fumbling oaf. Perhaps it’s the way he’s looking at Loki. Not with fear, but with interest. Curiosity. Almost a quiet understanding.

No one ever looks at Loki like that.

The man rubs the back of his neck. “It’s just that. Well. I think I might be your soulmate?”

Someone in the crowd shushes him.

Another asks, “Are you crazy?”

A woman hisses, “Mobius. There’s no way -”

The man - Mobius - glances back at her and shrugs. “So they’re ambitious.”

“They’re going to kill you.”

“Nah.” Mobius turns back to Loki. “Just a little pussycat.”

He starts forward, gently moving through the kneeling crowd, whispering, “Excuse me, pardon me, coming through,” on his way to the front.

Loki tracks his every step, watchful for any sign of trickery, but they can detect no magic on this mortal. The absolute gall of this man, to approach Loki - child of Asgard, god of mischief - as if they are equals.

Loki shouldn’t just silence him, they should scorch him from the whole of the realms.

But then Mobius smiles at Loki, a big, wide thing that twists Loki up inside. Perhaps they will wait to destroy him, if only for a moment, if only to hear him out. Loki considers themself a fair god, after all.

Listening. Then destruction.

“Speak, mortal,” Loki commands. “If that is what you desire. But know your life hangs on your words.”

Mobius looks at Loki, watching for a moment, smile never dimming. “Oh, yeah. You’re definitely the one.”

“I am all things,” Loki says, ever magnanimous.

Mobius points at them. “You’re my soulmate.”

Loki frowns. “I am not.” Then they frown harder. They know lies well, and that felt like a big one.

But that couldn’t be.

“I have no soulmate,” Loki says, ignoring the familiar sting that comes with the words. Words repeated again and again, as all the seers in Asgard looked into their future and saw them standing alone.

Mobius’s smile softens. “Are you sure about that?”

No. Not really. How many years have passed since Loki last had the seers check? Is it possible... perhaps Mobius had been born in that time? He is but a mortal. How old could he be? 40 years? 50? The blink of an eye.

Mobius holds out a hand. “Wouldn’t you like to check?” That suit truly is ridiculous, outdated and well-worn. If they are soulmates, Loki will take him to Asgard at once and buy him -

Loki forces an abrupt stop to their own thoughts. This is deception, meant to shake them from their true purpose.

“Once I discover you are deceiving me, I will purge you from existence.”

“Okay, sure. Whatever you want.” Mobius waves his hand impatiently. “Isn’t worth trying? Then, you know, purge from existence and all that...”

“Mobius,” the same woman whisper-yells from the crowd.

Mobius rolls his eyes. “Work friend. She’s very protective.”

“She has reason to be,” Loki says, looking at that offered hand. At the long, steady fingers, the delicate wrist. Mortals are such fragile things. Beings to be conquered. Not loved.

And yet.

Loki lifts a hand. They rub their thumb and forefinger together. They will attempt a small touch for curiosity’s sake. Then, the promised destruction.

“Aren’t you afraid?” Loki asks.

“No. Excited, maybe. Not everyday you meet your soulmate.”

“You keep saying that.”

“I’m feeling confident.”

Loki swallows hard. Then they reach out. They don’t take Mobius’s hand, not fully. They merely brush the pad of one finger to the edge of his thumb.

It is enough.

Visions flood through their mind. Mobius laughing. Mobius taking Loki’s hand, pressing his lips to their knuckles, one after the next. Mobius leaning in and kissing them on their lips. Mobius pressing Loki against a wall, and Loki letting themself be pressed.

“I love you,” Mobius says under cover of darkness, in the light of day, out in the ocean on the back of some type of motorized water vehicle. “I love you,” again and again, filling the dark depths of Loki’s heart until it overflows, bursting with happiness. With immeasurable love.

Loki snaps back to the present and slowly, so slowly, withdraws their hand.

Mobius’s smile could light the whole city. “I knew it was you.”

Loki opens their mouth to speak, but what comes out is a gasped breath, very near a sob. The love from the vision has vanished, but the phantom feel of it has Loki wanting.

Deception. Has to be. But they are immune to enchantment. And there’s no magic on this man.

To be loved like that. To be held and... cherished. Even now, Mobius looks at them like they hold of all of his hopes and dreams. Loki wonders how they are looking back.

“It’s okay.” Mobius holds up both hands now, like placating a wounded animal. “I know it’s overwhelming.” Mobius takes a small step forward. Loki does too. Mobius is right there. A promise of a life Loki never thought they’d have - right there.

“Mobius,” Loki says, and the name is perfect on their tongue. They could say it a hundred times more, a thousand. They are desperate to. “Mobius.”

“I’m right here.” Mobius steps closer. Loki reaches and grabs his forearm, bunching a handful of that ugly sleeve into their fist. “I’ve got you.”

“You cannot imagine how long -”

“Step away from him,” comes a new, authoritative voice. This one, like Mobius, lacks fear, but unlike Mobius, is decidedly not Loki’s soulmate.

“We’re kind of in the middle of something,” Mobius says over his shoulder, to Captain America. “Could you give us a minute?”

Captain America does not give them a minute. “Release the citizen, Loki.”

“Wow, you are really misreading the situation,” Mobius says.

In the sky, a flying vehicle arms its weapons. Every nerve in Loki’s body stands on end, seeing Mobius in the way of it.

Loki yanks Mobius forward, closer to him, then behind him, shielding him with their body.

“Loki!” Mobius starts.

But its too late. Captain America is moving closer. Loki blocks some of his blows, misses a few others. He’s strong, but not on the level of a god. Not usually. But Loki keeps leaving themself open to protect the vulnerable mortal behind them. Loki doesn’t think Captain America would hurt Mobius, but the risk is too great. The cost is too high for Loki to guess wrong.

The sudden arrival of Tony Stark only makes matters more difficult.

When Loki raises their hands in defeat, Mobius storms around them.

“Mobius,” Loki says in alarm. Mobius is now in the way of far too many weapons. Does he not understand how fragile he is? Or how important?

“I got this, Loki,” Mobius tells them. To the others, “Now everybody hold on a minute.”

“Please move yourself to safety, citizen,” Captain America says.

“I’m perfectly safe right here.”

“Standing right there is how you get a knife in the back,” Tony Stark says.

“Loki won’t hurt me.”

“He must be brainwashed,” Captain America says.

Mobius huffs out a frustrated breath. “You aren’t listening. Loki is my soulmate.”

Tony Stark looks at Captain America. “Definitely brainwashed.” He clears his throat. “But I’ll bite. Who exactly are you?”

“Mobius M. Mobius.”

“Uh, huh. So your parents hated you,” Tony Stark says. Before Mobius can answer, Tony asks, “And what do you do, Mobius M. Mobius?”

“I’m a data analyst for a corporate conglomerate.”

“Right,” Tony Stark says. “Loki of Asgard forever bound to Mobius M. Mobius, the data analyst. Sounds fake, but okay.”

Mobius’s shoulders sink. “You don’t have to be rude about it.”

Annoyance flares hot under Loki’s skin. Mobius is perfect and how dare these simpletons insinuate otherwise. How dare they make him feel anything less than he is.

Loki takes a strong step forward, but Mobius catches sight of them first and places a hand on their chest, stilling them. Loki holds, only for Mobius’s sake.

“It’s no big deal,” Mobius says.

“They cannot speak to you like that. You are the soulmate of a god.”

“I’m not thrilled about it either. Data analysis is a respectable line of work. I’ve saved my company hundreds of thousands of dollars.”

Loki nods along, hoping they look impressed enough to spare Mobius’s feelings, when truly they have no idea what he is talking about. But whatever restores Mobius’s confidence is what they will do.

“Huh,” says Tony Stark. “Pencil pusher just stopped the god of mischief with a touch. You see that?”

“I saw it,” says Captain America. “I don’t think they’re lying.”

Mobius presses his lips together in a hard line before taking a breath and saying, “Loki, you have magic, right? Can you like...” He holds up his hands and waggles his fingers. “Magic us out of here. I think it’s getting a little crowded. Some conversations are supposed to be private.”

Loki likes the idea of... talking, but they had a plan when they came here today.

Loki looks at the scepter. At the people, no longer kneeling. At Captain America and Tony Stark, arguing about Mobius. And then, finally, they look at Mobius himself, with his calm, steady presence, ever-soft smile, and ill-fitting suit.

Loki meant to conquer all of Midgard. And this, being captured, was part of the plan. But. Perhaps. What’s waiting another day? Or two.

They very well can’t let Mobius be captured. To think of it, most of their plans might need changing now.

“Hold onto me,” Loki says.

“Happily.” Mobius goes easily into their arms.

And Loki holds tight as they magic away.

#i wrote this #lokius #loki x mobius #wowki #lokius fanfic #soulmate au #this has been in my drafts all week #i've been trying to figure out how to end it i'm still not sure lol but i think we've reached an okay place?#forgive errors i didn't want to rewatch the whole movie so i might be forgetting important plot points #also forgive any mischaracterization of your faves i tried to be gentle #i had a thought about this that would not leave until it was written

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everything-laito · 5 years ago

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Never expected the Laito vs Shin CD to be this deep on Laito’s side. Hi, I’m back at it again with another long rant.

Hiiii! It’s Corn here, with a long awaited analysis of the Laito vs Shin drama cd!

I didn’t expect to like this pairing as much as I did, but honestly Shin’s abrasiveness brought more out of Laito than I expected. Maybe it’s also the combination of Laito struggling to keep himself restrained.

If you wanna hear my shitpost 2 am reactions to this, here’s the link. I go back now and realize I forgot some stuff in my notes to put in there, but oh well haha. If you want me to release the ones I forgot let me know lololol, my 2 am ramblings are pretty funny in hindsight. Thank you to @/dialovers-translations for providing the translations to these CDs! If you want to check the CD out for yourself, here it is. And as always, if you want to add anything, feel free to! Huge analysis under the cut :)

So the CD starts off with Laito and Yui. They’re in public somewhere and Laito’s being… Laito. But he’s trying to be quiet which was off putting for me at first. Anyways, this takes place right after the Lost Eden ending. I will admit I haven’t played Lost Eden or has seen the translations yet (I like playing the games as I do) but I do know that in in some endings the Sakamakis (and Mukamis???? I think??? Not sure) inherit daddy ketchup’s power. (I think it’s all of them that do in their endings but correct me if I’m wrong).

So we know that Laito doesn’t like violence from him saying it multiple times in past games, drama cds, etc. He also mentioned in Haunted Dark Bridal that he doesn’t like family politics and has no interest in having the throne/Karl’s power. So, safe to assume from the start he doesn’t like having this power. And oh boy he is NOT having it.

In my notes of the first track I made a quip of that Laito’s been kind of a “wannabe romantic.” I know that’s not the best way to describe it, but he’s like “human girls like this right?” or “this is what you do in a relationship, right?” (And he either puts his own twist on it or it ends up being More Blood’s vampire ending). So in this he holds your hand, no tricks, no nothing. I know this is a result of Rejet’s writing change after HDB, but also I think it’s some development on Laito’s end too (either way, it’s cute as hell). I honestly took this as him trying to distract himself from the power he now has; one that he never wanted in the first place. And we know Laito: master of distracting himself from his own issues and other people.

Laito: “Fufu…You’re shaking~ In that case, should we just dive down from here while I hold you in my arms? …We’ll reach the ground in no time, but it might be reaaaaaally scary.”

Laito: “I’m not going to jump down. After all, I’ve decided I won’t use these powers no matter what.”

Although it takes some deeper knowledge of Laito, he definitely is using the ol “making fun of things I’m insecure about = coping mechanism” plenty of people like to do. He’s teasing himself; making a little quip of it and then kinda turning serious, yet still remaining his “~playful Laito façade~” self. In my notes I say that I’m glad Rejet stuck by with Laito’s whole “I have no interest in these powers” kinda thing. I also think that it scares him, on top of the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit. Or him having the “I don’t give a shit” attitude is a cover up for that fear? We’re gonna go deeper into that, my fellow sinners.

Before I get into that, I just wanted to point out yet another quote that follows the ones that I put.

Laito: “Don’t look so puzzled. This is the human world, isn’t it? It would be odd. There’s no hidden meaning behind it. That’s all.”

I liked my note in response to this quote: “H A H don’t be so DAFT, Laito, you’re the KING of double meanings. I know this is a liiiieeeeee” and man, I gotta agree with my cryptid self. He’s using the fact that it’s the human world as an excuse for him to not use his powers. Which…. Is a valid excuse. But this is also Laito we’re talking about. And he just sucked your blood in public. And moaned. I can see right through you man. Laito without double meanings is just…. He can’t exist. There’s no way. Sure he’s developed but if he’s still sticking with his façade from time to time, it’s a safe assumption; deductively.

As for Laito fearing his powers, it really starts to prove itself by Track 02. Shin finds him, attacks him with wolves, and Laito STILL doesn’t use his powers, even in self defense. For a man that has 0 self restraint typically,,,,,, he really can restrain himself for the most specific things. This further supports my claim that Laito’s scared of himself with these powers. He’s also just really dedicated to his morals, whether they’re falsified morals he created himself in self defense, or ones that go deep to his core (oh shit, another analysis idea???).

Then… Laito got angry, and attacked Shin in the process (this happens in track 04. Shin steals Yui in track 03). Again, I know I just said he’s pretty dedicated to his morals. But it’s an oddly human thing to do; breaking your morals once in a while to achieve something. We’ve all done it at least once in our lives. Then Laito beats himself up over letting his angry emotions get to him. And we get such a moving scene.

Laito: “Ah…Fuck…! Why…! Why!? Why did I let myself fall for such an easy taunt!? …Bitch-chan? I’m weird, right now, aren’t I? Because of that guy’s powers…Aren’t I going crazy?”

Laito: “…!? I…I’ve been composed this whole time. Yet…Why do you tell me such a thing!? Just as I thought…You also think that I’m becoming weird! If not, you wouldn’t look at me with those eyes!”

Laito: “Don’t touch me…!! If you touch me…You’ll be corrupted as well.”

Laito: “Fufufu…Ahaha…! I’m not corrupted? No, haven’t you experienced it first-hand? That man’s sullied blood and powers are flowing through this body of mine. Even though I don’t need them…! Even though I never wished for them…! Why…!? Why did I have to get these things forced upon me!? Fuck!”

I know that Japanese doesn’t technically have swear words like we do. He says 「くそ」 (“kuso”) which is an interjection that describes something that’s outrageous. Which is why it gets translated into “damn!” “Shit!” “Fuck!” Based on the context and aggressiveness. But, Laito rarely ever says 「くそ」, and he said it a LOT in this CD. And that’s what really caught me off guard.

So, SO much is said in those quotes I cannot even begin to fathom. So let’s break it down.

Firstly, as I mentioned, He’s beating himself up (as well as gaslighting himself(?) Is that possible?) over breaking his own morals and not wanting to have these powers in the first place. And he uses Karl as a scapegoat, as he (and the other brothers) have a habit of doing. Also, he refers to his powers as “that guy’s powers.” He hasn’t even accepted that they’re his, and that’s also what’s really sad.

Then the second line. “I’ve been composed this whole time.” Well we, as Laito fans, know that what we usually see Laito is a façade. But this, right now, is raw Laito, baby. He then kinda gets a paranoia of some sort, trying to read your eyes (which is most likely sympathetic, not thinking he’s weird) in order to blame it on someone, or continuing to gaslight himself. And the third line… Wow that hit hard for me in the feels. You know how Laito usually says he wants to corrupt you? Steal your innocence? (Again, projection, from what Cordelia made him feel). This also further supports the notion that Laito doesn’t think that highly of himself (well, people who have some type of superiority complex do. And he definitely does, sometimes on Ayato levels) and also the fact that he still keeps that façade up. Probably to protect these inner feelings. Again, his statement about his composure says as much.

It’s then implied that Yui tries to comfort him, saying that he’s not corrupted. He continues to not listen to her and kinda say his bottled up feelings. God that last quote, and the way he says it,,,, ugh god it’s so heartbreaking. As we previously knew, he didn’t want these powers at all. He never wanted to be in any part of Karlheinz’s games. He just wanted to live the way he wants to (even if it is,,,, an unhealthy mindset to live in). He says it in such a fearful and tragic way. Again, he’s afraid of himself with these powers. He’s trying to build back up his facade or adjust it in any way that he can to avoid it, but right now, it’s too much for him.

Laito: “Bitch-chan, you see. As long as she has someone to make her feel good, she will make do with anyone. …Power does not matter. That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?”

Shin: “Che! You’re just spouting random crap! You won’t deceive me.”

Laito: “Heh…There, there…Don’t glare at me like that..We’ve come all the way up here…It would be foolish to waste our time talking about power dynamics. Let’s enjoy ourselves…I don’t care about complicated stuff. To me, this is everything.”

I actually said something coherent enough in my 2 am notes in response to this to pretty much put it in here verbatim:

Damn, this boy really just wants to vibe and avoid responsibility (I mean, don’t we all Laito) but he just has to face it. I kinda realize through this drama cd that Laito just… doesn’t wanna face complexity too. He doesn’t, never has. Violence is too complicated, getting involved with Cordelia and Ayato’s relationship by standing up for Ayato as a kid is too complicated, getting on Cordelia’s “good side” (which is uh,,,, awful) is too complicated.

Putting up that whole perverted façade in order to hide from his own feelings; holy shit idk how I didn’t notice this blatantly before. I didn’t know it would take Shin to make me realize this. Laito never asked for any of this happening to him (none of the boys really did; at least for their pasts). Goddamn, when I try to look at the overly complex stuff, I miss the simple shit so easily. People in real life try to escape like this––using sex and pleasure––just like Laito.

(Can’t believe I said that at 2 am omg) But, to add onto that, the whole “That’s what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is all about, isn’t it?” Has SO much meaning to it. First of all, it’s a question. Which raises uncertainty about a subject. This subject is what being a ‘Bitch-chan’ is. It’s phrased in a desperate way that this is Laito’s way to ask you to help. And that’s huge. Also, I think it’s Laito’s way of saying to not judge him right now, and to still accept him for who he is. If he really thought that Yui was that “loose” of a woman with no standards, he wouldn’t have cared to say this, or implied his purpose: which is wanting to make Yui feel good. Which, I think in Laito terms, means “wanting to make Yui happy.” And he wants to continue to be there with her through this double meaning. And wow. That’s,,,,pretty poetic.

Last note; I know that Shin even said or implied (I’m too lazy to go back to the direct quote) that he was like “bruh get over yourself, these are your powers now, get used to it” (which set Laito off I believe). And going in, I didn’t think I’d get much out of this duo in terms of development, but WOW, there’s a chock full of stuff.

If you’ve made it this far, congrats! Holy crap I think this is longer than the Hilde analysis.

Thanks for reading as always! -Corn

#analysis #Diabolik lovers #dialover #dialovers #Diabolik Lovers analysis #dl #laito sakamaki #sakamaki laito #raito sakamaki #sakamaki raito #laito

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mspa-music-analysis · 5 years ago

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Beyond Canon - exclusion zone

alright first song in the Beyond Canon album, exclusion zone. lets break it up.

PERSONAL THOUGHTS/LISTENING EXPERIENCE

I got literal fucking shivers. Holy shit. Holy shit. The first twenty seconds of this song is it’s own fucking experience. When the vocals come in at 00:46 I feel as though I am standing on a craggy cliff face, maybe on a mountain, the sky is grey, there’s mist and magic in the air, and I should be dreading something. I feel like taking a deep breath and preparing to see an army coming up over the adjacent hill. I feel like I’m about to go up against something huge.

When I first clicked on the new Homestuck album in disbelief, double checking the release date, I wasn’t expecting much. Sure Homestuck music is utterly wonderful, but I’ve never been able to listen to instrumentals very well, they don’t capture my attention without lyrics to focus on. but hearing the first few notes of this song. Holy. Fucking. Shit. I am not the same man. Oh my god. This first minute is what got me to listen to this entire album in one sitting.

At 1:00 you hear a muffled voice and the sound of breaking glass, and it feels like the illusion of nature and magic and dread shatters. A robotic voice chimes in ‘you just made a monster’ and you get it, for just a second. You feel like something terrible has happened and you have no idea how the fuck you’re going to pick up the pieces. This song sets the stage for the album, and it makes anticipation thrum through your bones, especially on the first listen.

The latter half of the song is letting this feeling sink in, letting your anticipation, your excitement, your dread, grow into a magnificent beast. As the last bit cycles you feel your heartbeat quicken, your breath catch, and you just have to sit there for a second. Holy shit. This song feels like saying ‘holy shit’ in reverence. Over and over again.

The ending feels like you have no idea what the fuck you’re getting into. All you can do is click onto the next song.

INSTRUMENTAL/VOCAL ANALYSIS

I’m no musical expert, but I’m going to try to explain this as well as I can. Music snobs, sorry, experts, please remember I am but a humble fool who has never taken a music class beyond fifth grade. An amateur if you will.

I’m going to be using the word synth so fucking much in these, aren’t I. I’m torn between some sort of string, a synth, or an organ playing the opening notes, and I’m fairly sure it’s the synth. Homestuck music wouldn’t be Homestuck music for not the synth.

The synth, as I am going to call it despite how unsure I am that it is one, immediately gives you an overwhelming cathedral feeling. You get a little while to marinate in this feeling before the vocals chime in. The vocals and the synth meld so beautifully into each other, they feel so natural coming together. There’s a moment where you say ‘yay! vocals in a Homestuck song!’ which will later seem oh so ironic.

Then, in a change of tone, a muffled, hard to understand, male-sounding voice pops in. It sounds like a frantic report, breaking news, or a call for backup. It could sound to some like officials chasing dangerous dissenters, and to others a discreet warning to fellow rebels that the brass are coming. I tried so fucking hard to get an audio editing program to pick this shit apart, but I have a Chromebook for some godforsaken reason. Sorry, folks, we’ll have to see if anyone replies to my tweet with our answers. For reasons, which are definitely real actual reasons with no attachment to aesthetics, I am going to call this voice ‘the radio’.

Directly after the infuriating piece of walky-talky Esq vocals, there’s a sound of breaking glass. I think perhaps that is my favorite moment in the entire track, if not the entire album. Not to assign too much meaning to a singular bit of sound, but it feels like every expectation I had for Homestuck music was completely shattered. Like the glass ceiling that prevented Homestuck music from becoming legendary because it was just a shitty web-comic (which was already untrue) is broken through with just the first half of this song. Does that make sense? In short, this album really is on an entire other level of music entirely, and it knows it. This is possibly supported by the album cover, which is Ultimate Dirk sitting in a pile of previous Homestuck album covers. Must I explain this one? (I will if you ask, really. I’m perhaps a bit too eager, in fact.)

Directly after the glass shatters, more instruments join in. I think these are also synths? It sounds techy, it sounds dystopian. You know when people say techno is just beeps and boops? Yeah, there’s a lot of beeps and boops in this, and frankly, I love it. Then, another distorted, techy, mechanical, feminine?, voice pops in saying ‘you just made a monster’. I’m going to call this voice the monster, but not necessarily because I think they are the monster, and I will elaborate on this later. This is my second favorite moment in the track. It’s just. Wow. Breathtaking. The monster repeats for a while, the rest of the song. The third time, an almost more human sounding, but not by much, monster joins in. There’s an air of indignance, of anger, desperation, vengeance. It sounds like there’s another phrase buried under some sounds there, at 1:28? I absolutely can not make it out for the life of me, and it is driving me crazy.

The monster is chopped up and distributed evenly throughout the rest of the song, quite fucking marvelously. At 1:39 there’s a pause in the instrumental, and for just a second, you’re left with this steady note sung by the monster. It’s haunting. I didn’t notice it my first few listen throughs, but now that I’ve been sitting here looping the track, I can’t help but hear it. It definitely gives me a feeling, but I haven’t decided what that feeling is yet.

The sound bits that sound like a broken robot, or another voice saying ‘anoyie’ over and over, are quite possibly going to drive me insane. I find myself desperately needing to hear where the fuck these audio bytes came from. I need to hear the originals. I do not care if they are random mouth noises. My curiosity is insatiable. I am fairly sure it is just the monster cut to hell, but there’s just something nagging at me saying otherwise. I don’t know, perhaps I’m finally going insane from looping the robot song for two hours.

I don’t love the ending? There’s one last monster repeat, a sort of clapping sound (an interesting change of pace), silence for half a second, more of that damned ‘anoyie’ and I am further convinced it is not the monster, and then nothing. It isn’t quite unsatisfying, but it isn’t satisfying either. It is most certainly an ending. I can say for a fact there are instruments in the ending. And that’s all I have to say on that.

HERE’S WHERE SHIT GETS CRAZY

Alright, time to sound like a madman. Here is where I am going to assign arbitrary Homestuck-related, possibly plot-related, meaning. Take all of this with a grain of salt and forgive my overuse of phrases like ‘I feel’ and ‘I think’.

So, putting the song in the context of the album title ‘Beyond Canon’, and therefore most likely The Epilogues and Homestuck^2, I do indeed have a few theories. Not all make a whole lot of sense, and a few are based quite heavily on ‘feelings’ and ‘vibes’. I hated putting vibes in quotes, never make me do that again. To start with, the beginning, before the radio, reminds me very much of Ultimate Dirk (Ult. Dirk), Terezi, and RoseBot on that new planet. Perhaps because of the air of desolation, not in relation to the note, and foreboding? Perhaps because I have assigned an air of forced serenity to this part, and I very much feel like Ult. Dirk is trying to force serenity onto his section of the narrative, despite what’s coming his way? Hm. Much to think about.

The radio, I cannot puzzle out exactly. DaveBot, perhaps? Trying to break through from the Candy universe and coming out muffled? I don’t have much to go on, and I am waiting until I have figured out exactly what the radio is actually saying.

The glass shattering. Oh, the glass shattering. Fenestrated plane, anyone? The fourth wall, anyone? Good god, shattered glass + Homestuck = SHIT IS GOING DOWN. This makes me very excited. It could just be metaphorical, as I was saying before, but I very much have a feeling that things are going to get that particular brand of very Homestuck fucked soon. And I am oh so excited.

The monster! Oh, how I love the monster. There’s so many things I can see the monster being, as well as referencing. Lets get right the fuck into it. First! The Auto Responder, or Lil’ Hal. You know how every splinter and alternate self combines to create the Ultimate Self? (I have so many theories about this, oh my god, I might make an entire other blog for more Homestuck analysis) Well, what if it isn’t a perfect meld? Dirk is a Prince, after all, a destroyer. There’s no way, however Ultimate he may be, he’s perfect and whole. What if specific splinters find their way to shine through? Like, for instance, Hal accusing Dirk of making a monster out of all his iterations. I know, it’s far fetched, and I took quite a few liberal steps to get there. But just perhaps.

A not so wild theory is an obvious one, I think. The monster is Rosebot. It’s vaguely feminine, robot-y, and references a recent creation. Rose’s consciousness breaking through Dirk’s command? Seems likely to me.

A third! Perhaps it’s DaveBot? It seems less likely than the RoseBot theory, due simply to the femininity of the voice, but at the same time it seems like DaveBot would be more likely to fight Dirk’s control of his personal narrative, if only because we haven’t seen his robot form be entirely complicit yet. Either way, I doubt this one. I just want it on the record in case I’m right. *wink*. (I refuse to use a winky face in a semi-serious analysis, it just feels wrong.)

And this one isn’t really a theory, but I keep coming back to it. Is anyone else reminded of AradiaBot? Especially that second of the monster just singing with no instrumental. I can give no explanation except for a feeling. I wasn’t going to include this, but, well, trust your gut or something. Maybe she’ll come back and my random thought will be justified.

Now, do I think this will be used in Homestuck^2 as a flash at some point. Short answer: I don’t know. Long and less shitty answer: I feel as though it could go either way! I can’t really see a song with vocals like this getting a flash, if only because it’s very straightforward and I don’t know if you can jam a whole lot of plot into this song, unlike some of the others. That said, it would be just like Homestuck to completely blow away my expectations and jam the entire ending into it. Hey, Homestuck? Please don’t do that. I love Act 7, I really do, but also just please don’t. Ever again, thank you.

Maybe Meat Kanaya will liberate RoseBot from Ult. Dirk’s control and this song will play as she beats the shit out of him. I would like that, I think.

CONCLUSIONS

Personal Rating: Holy Shit

Objective Musical Rating: Robots Have Never Sounded So Vengeful And I Love It

Plot-Relevance Rating: It’s Possible But The Outlook Isn’t Good, Chief

Would It Stand On Its Own?: Fuck Yes It Would. I Sang This When I Came Out Of The Womb.

did u nut tho: yuh

#homestuck #beyond canon #dirk strider #alaysis #413 #exclusion zone #epilogues #homestuck epologue #homestuck2 #rosebot #davebot #hal #lil hal #uh fuck tags bro i hate tagging #kanaya #should i tag aradia #yeah fuck it #aradia #aradiabot

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killushawn · 8 years ago

Note

Killlua, Eren, and L... Fuck one, marry one, kill one...... GO.

Do you ever do something, and think to yourself, ‘Wow. Out of everything I’d imagined in my head, this is the worst possible scenario I could have possibly ended up with’? No? Just me?

Well…that whole ‘worst case scenario’ thing happened to me.

My name is Shawn. I’m currently in my early twenties, just living life and trying to get by, and work towards a better future. What we’re all doing, you know? Anyway, moving on.

It’s a typical Friday night. Nothing crazy. I’m out with friends at a local bar. Everyone’s drinking, and we’re having a great time. Nothing out of the ordinary happening.

…Until suddenly it is. The last thing I remember is a flash, a bang…and then black. All black.

I wake up a while later. Whether it’s been a few hours or a few days, I have no idea. I feel super groggy. You know when you fall asleep in the afternoon, and when you fall asleep it feels great, but once you wake back up, it’s a really shitty feeling? Yeah. It’s like that.

Anyway, I wake up, and once I’m able to get my bearings, I realize I’m strapped into a chair. Not a comfy one, either. One of those metal chairs you see in interrogation rooms. And hey, that makes sense, because guess where I am? An interrogation room. Ten points for you.

The room is very plain. Grey walls, a small table and two chairs, a light coming down from the ceiling, and a window (that I can only assume was a one-way mirror), next to a large, gray door.

I try really hard to think back to something I might have done. Something, anything that might land me in police custody. I’ve done some stupid stuff in my life…but nothing that warranted this.

I feel myself getting tired again. The room is the perfect temperature for sleeping. The silence was both terrifying and peaceful. And I find myself too tired to care. I’m in custody, after all.

Just as I start dozing off, the door to my left crashes open. A short, round man in a brown striped suit walks in. I can tell instantly that he meant business. The head of the mafia kind of dude, you know? The type that you’d expect to actually kill his daughter’s prom date. And wouldn’t you know it? His two henchmen waltz in after him. Even they fit the picture of ‘mafia boss’s henchmen’ to the T. Grey suits, glasses, identical looking faces, and looks that feigned an indifference that could kill.

The only difference in the two is the briefcase the one on the right is holding. It’s grey, and it’s handcuffed to his arm. I’m sure it’s filled with happiness and joy. Nothing horrible, right? Right?

So the main dude walks in. And he doesn’t just sit in the chair. He turns the fucker around, and sits in it so he’s facing me, sitting the opposite way the chair is supposed to go. I can tell it’s an intimidation tactic…and it definitely works. I’m terrified.

We sit in silence for a little bit. I feel the sweat dripping, pouring down my face.

More silence.

I get a nervous twitch in my leg that I can’t seem to quell.

More silence.

I feel my breathing getting heavier. I am too used to this feeling to not know the signs of a panic attack. Something needs to happen soon or I’m in huge trouble.

And then the man speaks.

“Mr. Hodson.” The voice is deep. It’s so deep. It’s not of this world deep.

“Y-yeah?” I manage to choke out. My voice sounds weak, pathetic in comparison.

“We’ve been watching you for some time. You caught our eye a while back, and now that we feel confident in who you are, all you’ve accomplished, and all you plan to do, we’ve chosen to act.”

“Watching me for some time? What I plan to do? Who the fuck-“

“And” the man continues, as if reading my thoughts, “Who we are is of little to no concern of yours. You might say we’re just interested in…having a little fun.”

“Having a little fun”…Thoughts are spinning around in my head. What did he mean by fun? Was this not the police? Who had this kind of power?

“O-Okay…” I say, my voice catching again. “What…what kind of fun are you referring to?”

If I wasn’t so tired, maybe I’d have more fight in me. More of my usual sarcastic sass.

“Be quiet. If I choose to tell you, I will do so when I deem fit.” His face is expressionless. A void.

A pause, and then, “I mean, if you’re referring to…that kind of fun… I’m probably too expensive for you.”

There it is.

He looks at me, and without so much as batting an eyebrow, pulls a gun out of his pocket.

And suddenly, I don’t feel so sassy anymore. Silence did always seem like more fun for me.

“My…team…and I have finally finished our little project. And you are who we’ve chosen to take part in our…experimentation.” At this, Mr. Smith with the handcuffed briefcase sets said object down in front of me, types in a code, and cracks the lid. I find myself a little disappointed, there isn’t even a hint of smoke when it opens.

He pulls out some wires with suction cups on the end, and places them on different parts of my arm. See what I mean? Happiness and joy. What else could they be?

He then takes out a helmet, which is quickly slipped on my head. What do you expect me to do? I can’t struggle, yell or fight back. I’m practically eye-fucking the barrel of a sleek, sexy black pistol. One that probably won’t return my calls after two or three dates.

Anyway, Red Shirt #2 then presses a button inside the briefcase. Nothing noticeable happens to me physically, but I hear a strange sound in my ears. Like that high-pitched sound that only some people can hear. But now it’s everywhere.

“Now.” Mafia leader begins, “What I’m about to ask is very important. Fail to do so, and we…will find another test subject.” He waves his gun at me intimidatingly.

I’m practically shitting my pants at this point. It’s obvious to me by now that these are no police officers.

He continues. “Mr. Hodson. Like I said, we’ve been monitoring you a long time. We know what you like, what you hate, who you look up to, and who looks up to you. We know everything there is to know publicly about you. But this needs to come directly from you. Listen carefully.”

It’s almost as though when he speaks, I forget where I am. His voice is too deep…too…mesmerizing.

“I need you to think of your three favorite anime characters in existence.”

…What?

…Like…what the actual fuck?

“What the actual fuck?” I ask. I must have misheard him.

“You heard me.”

I guess I heard him.

“Why do you-“ He clicks back the hammer, cocking the gun. The question dies in my throat.

“Just answer the question. In your head. I won’t be saying another word from this point out. She’ll take over.”

“In my head? She? What the fuck is wrong with this guy. Anime? Anime?! I mean…I don’t want to die so…Here goes? If this is all I have to do… I guess…Killua from Hutner x Hunter…L Lawliet from Death note…and Eren Jaeger from Attack on Titan.”

The briefcase makes a whirring sound, and suddenly a female voice speaks.

“Cognitive recognition software is complete. Analyzing. Killua Zoldyck, Hunter Hunter. L Lawliet, Death Note. Eren Jaeger, Attack on Titan. Analysis complete. Please select a scenario from each of the following options with the characters you have selected: Fuck, Marry, and Kill. Please think your responses, voice recognition will not be necessary.”

“Fuck, Marry and- Are you fucking kidding me?”

The gun taps on the table, ever so slowly, and the man looks into my eyes, not saying a word.

‘What the actual fuck?!” I must be dreaming. There’s no other way to describe what is happening right now.

I can see the man growing more and more impatient, so I force myself to focus.

“Well…if I had to choose…”

The woman speaks up again. “Analyzing. L Lawliet: Kill. Eren Jaeger: Fuck. Killua Zoldyck: Marry. Analysis complete.”

Suddenly, my world turns black. Thousands of images start spilling into my head, and nausea threatens to take over. My whole world is turned upside down, and just when I think I’m going to pass out from the whirring of images, I find myself on a rooftop, late at night, in the pouring rain.

I try to move. I cannot.

It’s as though I’m watching a movie from behind a characters eyes. I am moving, but I am not dictating the movement.

I’m wearing a hood that does a poor job of protection from the rain. In my hands, I’m holding a long, sleek black sniper.

I raise it, slowly, and stare down the barrel. And there he is.

“L?!”

Suddenly, it becomes all too clear what’s about to happen. “No, no no no no! NO!” I scream in my head, but it does nothing. A harsh sound rips through the night. A gunshot.

L collapses. All around, people are screaming, running, and all the while, a pool of blood starts spreading around the corpse of the man I’d looked up to for so long.

Inside, I am broken. I am numb, shocked, and don’t know what to do.

Then, the images start flooding back into me, but this time, I understand them. News headlines reading ‘Kira is unstoppable!’, and ‘World’s greatest detective nowhere to be found!’, and other such articles zip around my head in a frenzied state. The pain inside is too much. Too much. Too much! TOO M-

Suddenly, I’m in a hotel. The emotions have been completely drained from me. It’s as though the last few fucked up minutes of my life have been torn away, leaving me as a slightly more broken clean slate.

The bathroom door opens…and there he is…I try to move, but again, I’m watching a movie, merely along for the ride and feeling every single emotion.

“Hey, are you ready?” Eren Jaeger says, and the words fall lovingly on my ears. They’re full of joy, passion, and above all, lust.

“No, but I don’t think I ever will be. Let’s do this.” I hear myself say, the words sounding more confident than I ever would be in a situation like this.

But hey, this one isn’t so bad. I find myself almost forgetting how crazy my day has been. And of course, the nauseating feeling starts back up, and suddenly I’m seeing flashes of it. It’s passionate, loving, caring, rough, and steamy. The disorienting feeling takes over, however, and again, just as I’m about to pass out, I find myself sitting in a room, alone. It’s a warm sunny day, and the room is completely silent.

I look down, and take a deep breath. I know what this is. My heart skips a beat.

I’m wearing a suit. I feel nothing but a deep, radiating joy. Today is finally the day. After everything, I finally get to marry him.

I stand up, and make my way out the door.

I can’t help but feel an extreme excitement at what’s about to happen. I’m walking towards a pair of double doors, and I know full well what’s on the other side. Music starts up, and all of the noise on the other side of the entrance stops.

This is it.

I push the doors open, and-

The nausea starts up again, this time worse than before. I can tell instantly that something is wrong. Suddenly, I’m back in the room with the three men, and I feel myself shaking, convulsing. The two henchmen are holding me down, while the main guy has his hands in the briefcase, fiddling with different knobs. He looks up, a look of panic in his face, and we lock eyes.

Suddenly, I’m holding a sniper, and killing Killua. My vision blurs, and L is on top of me, a look of deep passion and lust in his eyes. Eren is now standing next to me, holding out his hand, asking me to be his forever. The images continue, each one blurring into something more and more crazy, until…

Black. Nothing but black.

/Fin

#fuck marry kill #eren jaeger #killua zoldyck #L lawliet #hunter x hunter #death note #attack on titan #I WROTE THIS AT WORK #AT WORK #AND I AM WAY TOO LAZY TO EDIT AND FIX THIS UP #I DID NOT WANT THIS #I DIDNT WANT THIS TO BE THIS LONG #BUT THEN I KEPT WRITING #AND STILL WASN'T AT THE FUCK MARRY KILL PART #I FELL TOO DEEP

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lorainelaneyblog · 8 years ago

Text

‘The other night, Wednesday, the 17th of May, the police went bat shit crazy again, bat shit,’ says God. ‘There were, Loraine, sixty major players involved in that, major players, Loraine, gang bang boys to the max, undercovers, cops all. And this is what was said, in the morning, to the lieutenant, who had lain awake all night listening: nothing, Loraine, nothing, Loraine, nothing, Loraine, nothing, Loraine, nothing, Loraine, nothing, Loraine, nothing. And this is what he said: “I understand there was some racing last night.” And they said, “Really?” And he said, “Funny.” And they said, “What makes you think that?” And he said, “Reeaally funny, boys.” And then he said, “And this is what I’m going to do, because I can’t lose you, I can’t stand it, after this girl’s work, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” and bear in mind, Loraine, this is the man who said, “Maybe she’ll get a job.” He came up in the night, he prayed for himself, for his wife and his children, and he prayed for the men who were racing, that nobody would get hurt.

‘She’s seen it,‘ says God. ‘Tell them.’

‘Five, along Marine Drive, I was in the car with my boyfriend and they passed all around us.’

‘It’s cops, Loraine, it’s always cops, always, always, always, always, and, then a young man, it’s always a man, gets done for street racing, you know one who did, [ ]’s son--’

‘Really?’ asks 50 Cent. ‘The cuter one, the player?’

‘No. They’re both cute, but one’s got a hotty totty quality.‘

‘I do. My brother doesn’t.’

‘Let’s move on, Loraine, [ ] does not want to get overly revealed, he doesn’t. I’m kidding, Loraine, he doesn’t care, he loves you still, and he always will, despite that you fight a little about the money.’

‘Thank you.’

‘To who, me or God, because I do, Loraine, and I’m sorry I never sent money, but I miss you so much, and I miss you so much, and I miss you so much, that the money just adds insult to injury. Sorry.’

‘She doesn’t care, [ ], and it hurts her a little that you always bring it up, she’d rather forget that, just wait, that you feel you owe her, than constantly dwell on the fact that you don’t give her things anymore. She hates it, actually.’

‘Oh, I see. But it assuages my conscience.’

‘Oh, don’t worry, [ ], please don’t worry, [ ], she’s fine.’

‘She’s poor, and I still have yet to read Bros Before Hos. I couldn’t stand it, Loraine, I thought it--’

‘I’ve told him he’s safe, Loraine, but he just won’t believe it, and he won’t, he won’t, he won't read your blog or your poetry, and his wife is glad because she knows he’s a cry baby for you because he cried over you before, and he told her the sex was better than with her, because you actually enjoyed him more, not as much as you could have, but more.’

‘She never loved me. I was a meal ticket, and that’s it. And that’s why I’m so resentful about money, Loraine, so. re. sent. ful.’

‘That’s fine, [ ], that’s fine, please stop worrying about your obligation to Loraine, she doesn’t even think it, so stop worrying.’

‘How do you know if he’s having you on, Loraine?’

‘She doesn’t know. I have her on all the time. Tonight David Suzuki told her a story about an environmental award which could be coming her way, because, due to the book, when women stopped working as much, or quit altogether, men laid back a little too, and, gradually, the environment began to improve, and this book, Loraine, when you were raped, that was a year, and now, now, now, it’s three years, and the environment has improved markedly, and yes, it was David Suzuki’s work--’

‘Let’s ask that, Loraine.’

‘Let me finish,’ God says.

‘Finish our stuff!’ say the cops.

‘Let me finish,’ God says. ‘Loraine deserves that award, that is what she deserves, and that is what I’m saying, and David Suzuki knows that, Loraine, and to answer your question, they don’t give out the award every year, there has to be a marked improvement in the environment.’

‘Whoa.’

‘Why? You don’t think there is?’

‘There is.’

‘Why?’

‘How or why?’

‘How, first?’

‘Noise pollution, traffic congestion, thus air quality, and my vagina has improved.’

‘It has, hasn’t it? All women have noticed that thick, disgusting, whitish, gross, paste has been removed from the vagina, and they do realize that it coincided with the start up, renewal, let’s say, of a sex life, but they do not, do not, do not, all realize that it is the lack of flying that is improving their sex lives, of course they do, Loraine, this work is everywhere, you just thought about China, why?’

‘The worst pollution in the world?’

‘The worst in the world, Loraine,’ says David Suzuki. ‘She surprises me with what she surmises, at times. Or hears. But, nevertheless, it is the truth. And they fly like crazy, they go everywhere all the time, to escape the hell that--you’re funny, Loraine. Read that one.’

"The Birds

I told him it was like that

but there was so much

money in it people would

pay anything

to escape this hell

that you created

so you could

live on a green hill”

‘See how her work is almost nonsensical. Tell them what it means, Loraine.’

‘It’s about the helicopters, specifically, I think.’

‘Was it a conversation?’

‘I think it must have been, obviously a client, since--’

‘Wait, she doesn’t remember, so I’m going to tell you. Say what it’s about, Loraine.’

‘It’s about how people went flying to escape hell on earth.’

‘Does it reference immigration?’

‘No,’ God and Loraine say together. ‘It means the guy did so well that he could afford to live on a green hill.’

‘Oh, I see. It makes a lot of sense, then.’

‘She’s grateful, David, she’s shy, especially with you.’

‘She’s in love with me.’

‘Yes, she is. She loved, never mind.’

‘Okay. She didn’t?’

‘She was channel blocked her whole life, I think she saw your show once. And her dad is stupid too. He’s been channel blocked as well. And, Loraine, as I told you, the police, let’s get back to them--’

‘Finally.’

‘--are rectifying that. And your dad cannot, fucking, believe, how much TV there is. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He is so, fucking, bitter, over his life and television, he cannot even believe it himself, as are you, Loraine, and that is why, and that is why, and that is why, your fucking TV went out the fucking window. And that is why.’

‘Is that why?’ Dad asks.

‘What do you think?’

‘I see.’

‘So, the cops. The lieutenant. This is what he says, “Whatever that was about, I would like to know, but I think I do know, because I’ve heard from 'the girls,'” they call them in the cops, “that you, the men, are not, not, not, happy about the sting that went down in Carlington. That’s what I heard. And this is what I think you’re saying with this, you want to see these girls, these are the girls you want, not all of them, but some of them, because some are, decidedly too rough for you.’

‘And one pipes up, “Maybe they need us. Maybe they’re bored. Maybe they’re sad.”’

‘And the lieutenant says, “Would you marry one? Because--"

‘Never mind that,’ says another.

‘Why? Because I think marriage should be part of the picture with sex, don’t you?’

‘She doesn’t argue that.’

‘What does she argue?’

‘That women want experiences too, and it’s very important to incorporate the police because--’

’He drops off.’

‘Because why?’

‘Because we’re their protectors,’ someone says.’

‘How does that figure?’

‘How doesn’t it figure?’

‘Why do you get to have sex with them just because they are being protected by you?’

‘That’s the argument, she basically says that we are being made cuckolds because everyone else gets to have sex with them.’

‘Why does everyone want to have sex with them all the time?’ And he blushed a bit.

‘See?’ said one of the cops. ‘See? See? See? You’re blushing. We know blushing. We do. We do. We do. We’re all talking like her now.’

‘Like God. She’s not so repetitive.’

‘Oh yeah.’

‘Who is this girl?’

‘She wrote a book, we tried to tell you, it’s all about the suffering of women, and the suffering of men.’

‘What suffering of women? What suffering of men?’

‘The suffering of women is sexual.’

‘Oh, sexual. Why do they do it then?’

‘Why does your wife do it?’ one pipes up.

And he blushes again. ‘I’ve been a lieutenant a long time, and I’m sexy, she says.’

‘And they laughed, cause he’s funny.’

‘She says that women have the same sex drive as men.’

‘Really? Is she a doctor?’

‘No, she’s a horny woman, though.’

‘Oh, she is? I thought she was an intellectual or something.’

‘She’s that. I hate talking about her like this, I feel like she’s the new God or something, so I’ll just get this out of the way, she’s really something with God, I’ll say that much.’

‘Why?’

‘She claims to be the new messiah, and all of a sudden, from, she had a good blog before--’

‘Really? Like what?’

‘Dream analysis.’

‘How did she know how to do that, because I find them quite confusing and impossible to understand.’

‘Three adjectives,’ someone pipes up, ‘for symbols and people.’

‘What’s a symbol.’

‘Someone gave her a penis on a silver platter.’

‘That’s a symbol, alright. Her man stripes. Wow. Cool.’

‘She didn’t even realize, the Vancouver cops said, she was very confused by it, and focused on the fact it was severed, and it was her gay best friend.’

‘Oh, so she’s a fag hag?’

‘They all laughed, Loraine, they all, all, all, all, all, cracked the fuck right up. And he was confused, confused, confused, confused, “I mean I know you’re all a little gay these days, especially in the forces, but--”

‘She loves gang bang boys, she didn’t love him, he was her friend, and, for the most part, he felt the same.’

‘I really would have, Loraine, I would have, but I loved you too much to drag you into my misery,’ says [ ]. ‘I thank you for this “seven” thing--’

‘It’s a seven thing,’ say the cops.

‘What’s that?’

‘Bore. The gays like to group in sevens.’

‘What about marriage?’

‘Marriages are happening, in our minds, in groups now.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Let’s go back,’ says God. ‘I respect [ ] because he was always honest, Loraine, he never lead any men astray, ever, as did you, the same, and, as a result, you have spent your entire lives alone. His too. And he’s miserable. Miserable. Because his needs are huge, as are yours. So that’s that said. Sorry, [ ], but this cop thing is important, really important.’

‘Okay, thank you, anyway.’

‘She’s welcome. She is. She’s grateful to you, and she loves you.’

‘I always knew that. She’s a wonderful girl, and we’re proud of you, Loraine, when--’

‘Stop, kidding.’

‘--when this book came out, poor [ ] nearly flipped a lid, Loraine, “Why didn’t you tell me she was this smart?!” “I didn’t know. I didn’t. Trust me.” “How?” “You didn’t?” “Fuck. I feel like I shortchanged her. I didn’t realize. I didn’t. Fuck.” And that’s it.’

‘Thanks [ ].’

‘You’re welcome, Loraine. Sorry.’

‘I felt, I always felt, like you were looking into me, so there is nothing to be sorry for. Maybe I should have discussed my work with friends. [ ] was furious.’

‘Really?’

‘I was. Let’s not dwell. I like the cop shit.’

‘Let’s go then. So, here we are. The cops are saying you’re the new messiah maybe.’ 'What’s a new messiah?' he says. ‘Oh, a new messiah, like a new Jesus.’

‘Like a new Jesus,’ someone says. ‘And it was weird, some of us--’

‘Us? You’re looking at her shit.’

‘That’s what we’re talking about. Her blog.’

‘Oh, her blog. So it’s good.’

‘From good, to lame, to more lame, to bad, to excellent. It was excellent and she ran out of material--’

‘She ran out.’

‘God says that she was not neurotic and that--’

‘She wasn’t? Why was she a prostitute then? Horny?’

‘They didn’t laugh, Loraine.’

‘You really have to read the book, it splits hairs.’

‘Oh, it does?’

‘Yes, and you will understand women in ways you never have before.’

‘And his face changed, and they laughed.’

‘Why does my wife reject me all the time?’

‘It’s in there.’

‘Oh, I see. So I have a question, then: What does she say about why she is a prostitute?’

‘Horny and abandoned,’ says one guy. ‘Guys were leaving her.’

‘Poly,’ says another.

‘So she’s a slut.’

‘Don’t call her that,’ someone says.

‘And they laugh again. So this is where we are,’ God says. ‘The cops have yet to ascertain whether they are allowed to see street prostitutes, because nobody thought it was bullshit until Loraine said it was bullshit, because here she is, poor as dirt, her clients are scared of her, because she’s a gang bang girl, and she loves crazy shit that they would never do--’

‘And she would never do either,’ says a cop.

‘I beg to differ. She, as porn workers, will do ass to mouth, she will, and the cleaning is thorough, and there is no smell, trust me on this, Loraine, nobody is more sensitive to shit smell than Spencer Rice, he has been done by everyone this side of New York, because he’s so pretty, and that’s why he’s paranoid, that’s why.’

‘We didn’t get along. He’s pretty too, Loraine, I love my Octavia, he’s my boy. We had a little fight over beauty, because sometimes he gets really, really, pretty girls, and I get jealous, because they shit on me, and they don’t shit on him.’

‘Really?’

‘It’s true, Loraine. If you’re pretty as a man, forget a pretty girl, they’re too jealous, and that’s it. That’s why we like you because you’re not very invested in beauty.’

‘But I’m not beautiful.’

‘We don’t care. We like you. So much, actually. And Octavia likes you so much. He likes you so much that sometimes I think he’s going to die without you. And I feel the same. And sometimes, sometimes, sometimes, rarely, a few times only actually, we’ve looked at your blog together to see how often our names appear, and they do appear, regularly, and he looks sick to his stomach, I’ve seen that, I just wanted to say it, he’s crazy about you, and, furthermore, he knows you’re crazy about him on the ether, he does, he does, he knows, rest assured, and that’s making it even more difficult to wait for 50 Cent to get his panties out of a bunch, or wait for God, or the police or whatever he’s doing. And I know, I see now, that you’re afraid of losing even one of us, to lick our assholes--’

Giggles.

‘--but you won’t, but you may, but you don’t know this, so let’s just sit tight and try to keep a positive frame of mind.’

‘Let’s do that,’ says Octavia. ‘And back to the police, please, before we both vomit from wanting each other. Please, Spencer, I can’t take it.’

‘Sorry, O.’

‘Okay. He calls me “O” a bit.’

‘So Loraine Laney has decreed that for cops not to see street prostitutes is total bullshit, and that is where we are. So someone pipes up, “She thinks it’s bullshit that we can’t see street prostitutes.”’

‘Why would you even want to?’

‘They giggle again, because he’s blushing.’

‘You’ve been a cop a long time, you’ve never wanted any of ‘em?’

‘I have, oh crap, I have, yes, I have, yes, I have, we booked one one night, I thought I’d die with longing, die, and I had to tell my wife, I had to, I had to, I had to, and she thought I was a “sick fuck.”’

‘Wrong. She says, and this is what came out in the blog, so we think it’s God’s and not hers at all--’

‘What’s that?’

‘He’s very curious at this point. He is.’

‘I’m not a sick fuck? I thought I was a sick fuck. And furthermore,’ he says, he actually says, ‘I thought the writer of Bros Before Hos The Equality Apocalypse would confirm that. And she hasn’t. Why hasn’t she? I thought all men were sick fucks or something.’

‘They are laughing they’re heads off, Loraine, as you are. And he’s not laughing. He’s not.’

‘We know too much about your wife.’

‘Yes, you do. She refuses me and she called me a sick fuck once. And do you know what else? She read that book and she cried for a week and started having sex with me again, and that is what I do know that you do not know.’

‘Holy shit,’ they all said. ‘You didn’t tell us that.’

‘But I refused to read it, because I thought someone said you have to have sex with your sick fuck of a husband, because it’s the right thing to do, not because you want to, and that annoyed me, but, I must admit, besides the fact that she up and quit her little volunteer job, summarily, without, unilaterally, without, without, without checking with me first, and I actually disagreed with the idea because it seemed to keep her busy, though, I would admit, not particularly happy, as she complained about it all the time, all the time.’

‘What was it?’

‘A churchy thing. They had to go and bring a bunch of containers to a luncheon and fill them about once a week, and she found it boring, she found it so boring.’

‘Here’s what’s happening now, Loraine, with the containers,’ explains [ ] [ ]. 'People want to get rid of the containers, they need to get rid of the containers, and it is better to use them a few times than recycle right away, so they feel good about collecting them and donating them and they don’t even mind washing them, even by hand, because they were doing it anyway, to be good recyclers. So, the women who put on the luncheon, and are paid by the program who hires them, fill the containers for a salary, a wage, and that is how it’s done, because, yes, Loraine, to answer your question, volunteering became a thing of the past when your book came out, and, at first I was mad at you, and then I realized that I, myself, it’s weird neurosis--’

‘That’s not neurosis, [ ],’ says God.

‘It’s not. I thought I was so selfish for not realizing it, that I must be neurotically selfish. But a lot of work in churches feels like volunteer work, so I was confused, so that’s that.’

‘Why, because it’s boring?’ asks Loraine Laney and the lieutenant.

‘Yes. You wouldn’t believe this, Loraine, but I spent more time dealing with the complaints of volunteers than I did working on healthy goals with parishioners. And I hated it, I hated it, I hated it, I hated it, and, I realize now, deep down I felt guilty, for getting pay for doing lame shit that I actually didn’t even enjoy.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like organizing clothing, Loraine. That shit bored me senseless.’

‘I thought the volunteers did it.’

‘The calls come in and they want to talk to the minister. And that’s that. Weird, huh?’

‘They want the kudos.’

‘That’s what they want. Do you know, and I know this about you, because God mentioned it once, that, even though it annoys you that charities, where the staff are paid, actually paid, don’t even thank people for donations, that, and I did the same, because I didn’t want to deal with the crap anymore, you fell right into thanking them for taking your old shit. And when that TV worked, you just said it worked, and that was that. And it did work. Do you know how many people will lie to get rid of shit? I have had bed bugs in my house because of this shit, and I’m not in the clothing business, Loraine, I’m a fucking priest.’

Lol.

‘I have too.’

‘You’re in the clothing business. I know [ ]. She tried to pawn off her old shit on me once, as did your “friend” [ ]. How is she, anyway. She even denigrated you to me, Loraine. She said, and I quote--’

‘Fuck you, [ ].’

‘Fuck you too.’

‘I’m in [ ], now, and I’m happier. I’m staying, Loraine.’

‘Congratulations. Your dad gave you some money. Good work. Oh, he’s dead? Even better. More money. Continuing, and I quote, and this is, on your good graces, allowing me to see her precious, fucking, old, clothing, which, to a last item, had holes burned in it from her marijuana cigarettes, said, “She’s not the brightest light in the bunch, but her mother got her this job, and she’s doing well at it, I hear.” Nice, right? From the most brilliant woman of our time, [ ] [ ], pot head, welfare bum, beach bum, alcoholic.’

‘Really?’ says the lieutenant.

‘Yeah.’

‘And more. She actually pleaded for Seroquel for sleeping, it made her sick but she kept right on taking it, she told me, Loraine, that she was an addict and that was why she was taking a pharmaceutical which made her sick and weird, flap her arms and all that, and [ ] said the same, that it did that, and she had the good sense to quit taking it, I have something about her, too, “She’s alright,” she said, when I told her what a great girl you were. You owe nothing to any of these idiots, Loraine, don’t visit, don’t invite them to your wedding--’

‘Don’t, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent. ‘I will hate you forever if we get into it with these fuck heads. When I got rich, I left everyone, everyone, everyone, and nobody gave a fuck, trust me, they are so resentful about your success that they just use you, and that’s it.’

‘That hurts.’

‘It all hurts. She wouldn’t let you go for eight fucking years and that’s how she felt about you year one. Nice. Thank you for that best friend.’

‘Fuck you, Loraine.’

‘That’s nice, too. Let’s finish with [ ]. She says, and I quote, “I never liked Loraine at first.” And I, eternally helpful, say, “Oh? Why?” “Because she’s so selfish that she won’t even share her money, and she has a cash job.” And I said, “Good for her, she doesn’t have any money. What cash job?” “She’s a prostitute on the side,” she says. And you never were. You never were. You never were. Because, and I quote again, you forget her name all the time, but she said, “Loraine decided to quit and become a prostitute, the second she saw someone as a prostitute, she gave her notice, and that is what she did.” “I said, ‘Good, because her dear friend [ ] tried to tarnish her good name, so I’m glad to have that settled, because that’s what she told me too, and I’m proud of her for that, because she wasn’t stable and it must have been difficult. Good job. And fuck, fuck, fuck, your “friends.”’

‘Wow, this is stunning.’

‘Yup,’ says God. ‘Thank [ ]. She has done good work for you for a long time, and you would do well to make a donation to her church, honestly.’

‘That we will do,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Thank you, [ ] [ ].’

‘Do you want to know what I said to [ ] [ ], best friend of the century, who didn’t tell me that, by the way, that you licked her disgusting pussy, because I knew she was disgusting, Loraine, I could tell, I could tell, I could tell, the same way--’

‘Fuck you, [ ] [ ].’

‘Kidding, [ ]. I thought she was okay until she started on you. Will you?’

‘I will.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I believe this shit. [ ] was always sour with me and [ ] let that “cash job” comment slip once.’

‘Oh, she did? How?’

‘”I was telling my friend, my friend Loraine has a cash job, so maybe she’ll--’

‘Maybe we’ll party kind of thing.’

‘What, why, did she think you were a prostitute?’

‘I didn’t. I knew she wasn’t. We talked about everything. I just wanted to denigrate her. She brings it out in people.’

‘That’s good of you to take responsibility.’

‘Fuck you, [ ].’

‘She’s a lovely person.’

‘Don’t go to [ ], Loraine,’ [ ] [ ] and 50 Cent say together.

‘She’ll have that money off you so fast you won’t even know what hit you. I’m paying for you. I’m doing that. Even if you’re rich, or poor, or whatever, I’m your husband and I’m paying, and that’s that.’

’“keep me icy” worried Loraine a lot,’ says God.

‘I could see why, she’s overly generous with herself, clearly. How long did you spend with that idiot for forty bucks and ten dollars worth of cocaine, tell people.’

‘Four hours.’

‘You’re ridiculous.’

‘I know.’

‘He feeds it to you slowly, I know the type. They used to get me like that with alcohol, and, because I am big, I needed more than they did, even to sustain a good time. And I know you don’t judge drinking, and I do drink, but I never go crazy, as yourself. What is crack, kidding, I’ve seen lots of people on crack, and agree that it should be subsidized. To stop theft. And that’s it.’

‘Thanks again, truly.’

‘And you will do that?’

‘I will.’

‘So,’ says God. ‘Let’s go on, let’s go on, let’s go on, the cops, remember where we were? Go back and look and we are almost, I know I always say this, done, Loraine.’

‘The lieutenant’s wife stopped filling the containers.’

‘That’s right, and the men, the men, the men, were pissing themselves, over the containers, Loraine, because “That’s in the book too, women volunteering and not screwing kind of, someone said."’

‘I will say this, she read that book, she cried for a week, and I thought, “Oh no, not this again,” because sometimes when you get married, women cry for awhile, they’re so happy, but it’s kind of bullshit, because immediately they stop wanting to have sex, so you think why is that, and what does it have to do with the crying, but then I thought, I’m already not getting laid so what do I have to lose, so I thought, “cry away, just cry away,” and then, all of a sudden, it stopped, and she came to me, and she said, “I’m going to have sex again, yes, I am.” And I didn’t want to argue with that, that’s for sure, so I said, “What gave rise to this?” Worrying, of course. I can’t believe I’m saying all this. And she said--she’ll probably kill me.’

‘No, I won’t. I felt better that you had talked, even if it was to sixty men.’

‘She said, and I quote, “It’s this book I read, we all, at the church, heard she might be a prostitute, you should read it, it’s really good, it’s not erotica, I know what you’re thinking, I know how you think, but I feel bad that I haven’t supported you with sex, because I knew that you needed it, but I just didn’t feel like it, but I do enjoy it, and I want to do it, and I’m never going--” And she blushed.’

‘What? What are you never going--?’

‘The book says that a wife should be pimped--’

‘Pimped, that’s a shock. “And," because I let her talk--’

‘And the men laughed.’

‘--she said, “Men should play the field.” And she whined. “But I don’t want you to play the field.”’

‘That’s what they all say.’

‘Until you bring a friend home.’

‘I have, actually now that you mention it, noticed that she brightens considerably when there’s another man around, brightens, she’s bright, and fun, and funny. And she’s boring with just me, so I might actually do this thing. I might actually do it. “Can I sleep with a street prostitute?” I asked her. “Because we are vice, and that’s who we meet after all.”

‘That’s true,’ she said.

‘And I said, and I was waiting for it, the disease thing, and it never came, I didn’t know why, so I said, “I would just get a blow job.”

‘Do what you want,’ she said. ‘And we’ll just deal with the ramifications.’

‘Oh, I see. Then I might. I heard, if you use a condom, many, many, many--’

‘She’s from Vancouver.’

‘Oh, so she knows that they blackmail prostitutes.’

‘She does.’

‘Has she ever had it happen?’

‘She was an escort first and the take downs lead to street prostitution in Carlington.’

‘For the first time. Ottawa. Proud.’

‘Loraine’s going to bed. This is done.’

‘Thank you, Loraine.’

‘Thank you.’

‘So they can see street prostitutes now, and that is why it is quiet again. They don’t want to street race, they hate the risk, they feel--’

‘We do. We hate it. The end.’

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