#action forward hypersexuality

[masquerade-flags]

Thought Forward/Focused Hypersexuality, Action Forward/Focused Hypersexuality, and Dual Forward/Focused Hypersexuality flag.

Thought Forward/Focused Hypersexuality - hypersexuality that's mostly as thoughts, or the thoughts cause more distress and/or impairment than actions.

Action Forward/Focused Hypersexuality - hypersexuality that's mostly as actions, or the actions cause more distress and/or impairment than thoughts.

Dual Forward/Focused Hypersexuality - hypersexuality where there is no clear majority between thoughts and actions, in terms quantity and level distress and/or impairment.

Symbol from 1 2 and 3

(Obligatory disclaimer: hypersexuality is NOT an orientation(though it can affect one's orientation), "the opposite of asexual", just having a high libido, or only experiencing distress because of social sigma around sex.)

In terms of meaning

The overall cool color scheme of Thought Forward/Focused is because blues and purples are often associated with the mind and thought. The overall warm color scheme of Action Forward/Focused is because warm colors are often associated with action. Dual Forward/Focused is a combination of the other two.

Miss spelled "impairment" as "impermeant" on the meaning guides, sorry

[snowy0w1]

ik I just posted something related to this but

HOLY SHIT. THE NEW CSM CHAPTER IS INSANE.

Csm spoilers ahead!!!

So as anyone who’s caught up with csm knows, the chapter ended with yoru having something…interesting on her hand after kissing denji. This happened after she sexually assaulted him, and although there probably aren’t any yoru defenders out there, I still want to talk about this. denji clearly didn’t want this to happen. Although he did do that, it was a reaction from his body that he couldn’t control, which is often something sex offenders use to justify their actions and manipulate their victim, saying that if the victim’s body was reacting in that way, it means they were enjoying it. This is a manipulation tactic that sex offenders use to convince their victims that they never actually sexually assaulted the victim. Yoru could possibly use this as a manipulation tactic against denji and asa in later chapters. Not to mention that asa is also a victim in this situation. Since yoru is controlling her to do this (asa is obviously asexual after she mentioned her distaste of sex), she never was willing to touch denji in that way. Both denji and asa are victims due to the unexpectedness and forwardness of yoru in this situation, both of them not consenting in any way.

Now, here are some of my predictions for the next couple of chapters:

denji will believe that he enjoyed what he experienced with Yoru due to him…you know on Yoru’s hand, and since he’s never really had a fully sexual experience with a woman before and his hypersexuality due to his trauma, this will make him further believe that it was right and that they both consented, although he didn’t. Denji will also most likely believe that it’s okay for this to happen to him since it appears that Asa is doing this to him, which is not the case.

Asa will believe that it is her fault that denji was treated this way, and since yoru has been shown to manipulate asa in the past, yoru may also convince asa that it was her fault. Since the entire situation happened because Yoru was in control of Asa, Asa may blame herself for letting yoru control her and do these horrible things to denji.

sorry for this whole rant ik it’s dumb but holy shit

[crazy-fangirl2524]

Aaron minyard hc

1) he’s actually bisexual (likes women more) & demisexual (he’s figuring shit out)

2) was hypersexual when we was still on drugs

3) TW: experienced sa as a kid by a friend/dealer/boyfriend of tilda and has been in situations where he had to avoid it

3 pt 2) this gets out in a argument with Neil when Neil said something about Aaron having no idea about Andrews trauma and can’t say anything about how he reacts to his trauma (sum like that)

Just sharing you can use these hc however you want ;)

Of course Aaron is bisexual and he can pull anyone he wants (I mean look at the way Neil talks about Andrew and the fact that he pulled Katelyn)

Aaron definitely hooked up with so many people he was a walking std until Katelyn

Oh man imagine imagine Andrew finding out and having to deal with the fact that Aaron also went through it that no matter how hard Andrew tried he could not protect his twin and that his actions are futile and maybe they really are two sides of a same coin and they would never have a happy ending the one thing andrew wishes to spare of Aaron he didn’t even know. Aaron didn’t even tell him when he found out about Andrew. The betrayal. Maybe the bee session will stop because Andrew had not felt this betrayal since Katelyn. This is one step forward and ten steps back and maybe even Neil could not fix this maybe it had to be years down the line before graduation when and Aaron digging his hands into Andrew begging that

“You cannot blame me, I was just 12”

“I blame me,”

[fantasyrantsblog]

Sarah J Maas

Why this will be the only post I make about SJM and the controversy surrounding her art.

Q. Am I a fan of SJM?

A. No, I am not. I have read her books starting with ACOTAR, moving on to TOG and finishing off with CC. The first ACOTAR book took me 8 tries and I barely made it through. The second book was okay but left a bad taste in my mouth at a key point that I will get into. I had a lot of people who told me I had to keep going and I had to finish everything and I did. Because I have read her books, I can confidently discuss why I disagree with much of the content.

Now moving on to my issues:

Obviously, the Breonna Taylor ACOSF post. No matter how you decide to frame the post in order to offer some forgiveness to this action, it has never been addressed and still remains up. There are large parts of many communities who find this offensive and hurtful, if you do not find this hurtful, you do not get to decide that other's shouldn't. MAYBE SJM was sitting heavy with Breonna Taylor's death and already had post her publisher asked her to make regarding ACOSF so she decided to add it in. But also, MAYBE she thought if she didn't say anything she would get eaten alive. Regardless of how you decide to interpret this action, the addition of Breonna Taylor's death to this post was in bad taste and reads as an afterthought.

Something I haven't seen a single person talk about and it was my biggest ick when I first read ACOMAF: When Feyre first meets the Inner Circle and is told about the Illyrians, she is told in the light of them being barbaric. They're already considered a "lesser" race because they aren't High Fae and now within the first introduction to the main character and the reader, they're called barbaric. However you believe their practices to be, they did not have to be a POC race. The did not have to be the first all POC race introduced in the entire series and then regarded as such. Not only that, but none of the character's address their racism when interacting with the Illyrians. SJM has managed to pull 3 men from the race, one mixed, and have them all deny the rituals and put them above everyone else. She made them more palatable to you as token POC by having them sympathize with those they are not in league with. As a white woman writing this, it may not have been intentional, but lack of intention is also hurtful. These are are personal biases that are presenting themselves front and center. This is what it means when you support an author and their views bleed into a story they are writing. She is STILL writing this series and utilizing these previously made biases to jump forward with her story. Barring all of the other issues regarding her clearer issues with writing POC, this is an example how even miniscule details can create molehills.

LGBTQ+ representation is next on the chopping block! Does her representation of the community encapsulate some experiences? Absolutely. Is she expected to encapsulate them all? No, not by any means. And yet, she still managed to oversexualize the community and represent a singular and tiny facet. She, like with the POC, displayed her biases and beliefs. This may be unintentional or not, we don't know, but what we do know is that her characters in the queer community are oversexualized and hypersexual.

Palestine: I often see many say that because she has not said anything about which side she supports, that means we cannot assume just based off of one article years ago. Yes, actually, we can. Why? Because despite controversy, she has not negated it! Additionally, the birthright trips to Israel are inherently Zionist. If she was able to proudly discuss that with her whole chest and then stay quiet when it's not longer in her favor, we can heavily infer that she either maintains her previous stance or does not care enough to negate it. Neither is a positive outlook on how she interacts with the community. Again, intentional or not, the hurt doesn't cease to exist just because it's not how you think people should react.

There are many other reasons and pieces of text that I can pick out over and over again but if you think reading shouldn't be political, pull out some highlighters and join my book club on Fable. Literacy rates in the Unites States are dropping drastically and it's a goal of mine and my fellow readers and writers to interact and dissect text. Reading is inherently political, the act of being able to pick up a book from the shelf and take in the words on the page is not a carefree activity. We, not just the U.S., have been fighting for education for centuries and whether you're reading smut or classics, both are equally political. If you're reading fantasy, you are reading about a world in which politics are involved, politics that reflect our world. Complacency is a killer of education.

[gacha-incels]

Two questions I want to ask you: One, how do you personally feel about how all the discussion on Stellar Blade is mainly focused on the character designs rather than ShiftUp as a company and two, are the discussions in SK about the game in any way similar?

this is frustrating of course but not surprising. the design is a product of a misogynist company that exists in a violently misogynistic society, I don’t believe even a conversation that just tries to critique the design alone can happen without acknowledgement of this. of course this isn’t always the case, you can have seemingly non-hypersexualized character designs like some of them in “Limbus Company” and the company that makes this game will still engage in antifeminist incel pandering with their actions in real life, just like there can be a company producing media that seems “progressive” while engaging in fucked up shit in reality. this is common and is often weaponized. but I think the link between company politics and character design is relevant here so we can move forward with this discussion. on the western web you get the “FINALLY A GAME WITH A SEXY FEMININE FEMALE” guys and then you get the “she looks like a sex doll unlike MY favorite sexy video game female” guys who disagree but don’t want to come across as prudes. who creates these designs, who puts them in the game and for what target market? how is it advertised and why? typically this is never mentioned and therefore these conversations just become another childish “my favorite videogame VS your favorite videogame” internet fight. it just feels shallow and pointless. You have shifted the conversation that should at least acknowledge antifeminism in South Korea to stellar blade girl vs nier girl or whatever. it’s easy to react immediately/make memes or quippy twitter posts about the way something is designed based on your own feelings so this is what most people will do. again I do think part of this is because misogyny simply does not register for most people as a serious form of oppression. this is compounded with the fact that the Korean feminist’s struggle is not broadcasted across the western web with the same frequency and in the same way that something like the Hogwarts Legacy controversy was. Personally I find it disingenuous for reviewers especially to not mention Shift-Up’s antifeminist history. It’s not hard to find!

from the accounts I’ve checked the reaction is not as “explosive” as the gamergate 2 attempt that’s happening from western grifters. Shift-Up’s antifeminism has been discussed in regards to the firing, their partner company, the Nikke 🤏 censorship and the game’s designs. their Nikke display at a games convention that resembled a red light district was highly discussed by Korean feminists on twitter when it happened last year. Stellar Blade is not something a lot of people are constantly posting about from what I’ve seen at least. Usually someone will post screenshots from incels on one of their messgeboards but I haven’t seen anything like that recently regarding SB and tbh I don’t really go looking for it.

[botanikos]

I haven't found a very articulate way of putting any of this, so bear with me if it seems chaotic. Much of what I'm about to talk about is very canon/in alignment with what we know and come to learn about Stolas, especially with The Full Moon & Apology Tour, but I am also going into length because of the relevance this all has with my portrayal at times. Apologies if you choose to read this and find it an absolute fucking MESS because I will do a lot of jumping and back-tracking.

This post also acts as a sort of "Do not ask me who I blame, I will point both fingers at Stolas and Blitz respectively. It takes two to Tango." Neither of them is exempt from the hurtful things they said and did. I said what I said.

I mentioned a while back and in my rules that this blog would include an exploration of emotional themes, including depression and anxiety. And yes, I will discuss and explore the abuse from Stella on occasion too. That being said, I want to take a minute and just let it really sink in that the Stolas we first come to know is such an actor, a (sometimes unwilling) participant in his very own play (life). He thrives in the theatrics he puts on and the telenovelas he watches because they are how he processes and copes.

Is Stolas a hypersexual innuendo slinging, touch-starved, love-bombing, thespian bird-nerd? Absolutely. That's who he is to the very heart and core (and more, but that isn't the point here). But I also think these elements are what he puts forward as a sort of armor. He makes sweeping motions and behaves a certain way to appear perfectly well kept and a little obnoxious. If it looks intentional, no one can/will know the truth. And that truth is that he is hurting. He is falling apart. Has been for some time, and especially is after The Full Moon & Apology Tour episodes. The truth is: he is either not enough, or is always far too much.

Now, reiterating that Stolas has A LOT to unpack, unlearn, and understand about his own actions and internalized conceptions. He has done a great deal of harm to Blitz and likely countless others, even if he didn't realize it at the time.

But in The Full Moon during WHEN I SEE HIM, Stolas literally mentions how nervous he is and that anything else is literally a disguise.

"I'll believe him and not the voice that says I'm not enough."

He actively begins to panic upon the realization that his medication is out. Stolas climbs into the refrigerator and says "I'll fucking die alone if this goes bad when I see him tonight."

To take this a step further, Stolas even equates himself to a monster with the line "Would he want me if he was free? And if he's only here as a prisoner, what kind of monster does that make me?"

He comes to terms with the fact that what they had going on was wrong, that he took advantage of a situation, of Blitz. And while Stolas harbored feelings for him for quite some time, it's obvious he never truly committed to the idea or possibility of a genuine relationship with him until much later (arguably, maybe, after the embarrassment for them both at Ozzie's).

So now we are witnessing Stolas unraveling. We are seeing him more thoroughly, for who he truly is, and the negative and flawed qualities he bears.

Feelings of inadequacy / insecurity

Anxiety

Impulsivity

Perfectionism

Selfishness

At a young age, we see a very eager-to-please and curious Stolas. He's excitable and even appears quite happy! But the crushing weight of his status and position quickly fell down fast when he was shown a picture of a young Stella, and told he would be marrying her. Basically, his entire life was lined up with purpose and expectations for him. Despite that, he still grew to be quite a character and I like to think he still catered to his individuality in some ways. This also supports his impulsivity, as a means to give some semblance of control back to himself. He very much acts in the moment and before fully fully analyzing anything, which brings us to The Full Moon, in which he's had time to realize and ruminate, and is now in a sort of distress about it all coming forward.

Now, I personally headcanon that even before Stella and Stolas started spending more time together that he already dealt with blows to his self-esteem and image. He was respected by name and rank alone, but not entirely liked. He also received quite a bit of open criticism and ridicule for his interests and mannerisms. Thus, he is far more comfortable in the seclusion of his home, surrounded by books and artifacts than the shimmering aristocracy of parties. There were times, however, where he could make a flourishing fool of himself in their favor, or charm people into small bursts of engagement, but he wore himself out quite quickly, and would have to find a way to retreat. Once Stella came into the picture, it was much easier to find these events loathsome in their entirety as he endured open harassment and personal jabs at even the most private of matters from her.

There were times during his childhood, their engagement, and their marriage in which Stolas dealt with the pressing weight of inadequacy. These feelings took the forefront as he assumed he simply wasn't enough of a partner, enough of a Goetia, enough of an astronomer, enough of a son, enough of anything, really. Nothing he ever did pleased her, and he was never quite sure where he fell in line with his father. So as time went on, he just cautiously assumed that he couldn't possibly live up to anyone's standards, regardless of their position in his life. It's true, he thinks highly of himself and of his abilities, but none of that is structurally sound where it matters most.

Stolas is selfish. This falls in line with the impulsivity, naturally, but he is absolutely selfish. He is always seeking attention, especially from Blitz and is inconsiderate of his boundaries in the beginning. This is especially present in just how often he seeks Blitz out, his continued sexual ramblings over the phone in the first episode, and the list goes on. I do not think his selfishness is done with malice, but it's no excuse, either. The initial transactional exchange between them is also not just selfish, but manipulative. And he comes to realize this! It's phenomenal development!

But it's still a fatal flaw, and as Stolas becomes more aware of himself and his own negative traits, it creates a sort of spiral. Returning us back to the center of it all with his feelings of inadequacy. Because of all of these flaws, because of everything he has said or done, even in taking that leap by freeing Blitz of that exchange and expressing his love for him, Stolas still doesn't believe himself worthy of Blitz's love, or anyone else's for that matter.

You know what I'm just ending this whole thing here coz I feel like I'm gonna go on a huge tangent and I'm not making any sense. I'll explain things in headcanons and asks if anyone's ever curious or when I wanna explore those moods. Lmao

[roobylavender]

i get the inclination to like. express distaste at certain dc women's origins bc a lot of it is clearly wrapped up in misogyny and sexism and racism etc at its outset but also i would much rather take that basis and work with it critically going forward than wash it all away under the guise of being "non-problematic".. there are certain instances or actions from these characters i would absolutely erase (eg talia as a rapist/eugenicist or jade blowing up qurac) but i don't think there's anything useful that comes of rewriting their origins completely to the point they're devoid of anything actually complex. talia is a product of racialized hypersexualization but the way that plays into the inevitable power gap established between her and bruce is something interesting to explore. carol is obsessed with the idea of marriage in what is very clearly a limited perspective of women's desires but that obsession is later expanded upon to reveal how conforming to gender roles hurts her own growth. selina being revamped as a sex worker with a more distinctly sexualized dynamic with bruce is certainly questionable at its outset but is provided more depth once we learn how being a sex worker positions her with respect to distrust of the system. jade is clearly written with a plethora of east asian racist stereotypes in mind but if her french-vietnamese origins and the implied violence of her birth were explored in more depth and with care there would be a more sympathetic story to tell about her that falls in line with her own struggle to be true to herself. and so on and so forth. it's fine to have problems with the ideas behind how these women were originally written but i personally find it to be quite reductive to want to walk back these origins so extensively that nothing of worth exists any longer. i'd much rather work with the mess than with a static slate that says nothing actually distinct about the character

[alarrytale]

Just like you and the other anon, i have lost some of the respect I have for Harry. One of my eye-opener was that, with ws bringing in the numbers they had been wanting, he and his team heavily leaned into his sex appeal, i know it was always the case with his image what changed was that he seemed more comfortable playing into that when it benefited his career more than anything they tried so naturally it feels like apparent changes with his moral ground, which separated him from many artist, started to shake my faith in him.

Btw there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel good in your skin and people can change their boundaries as they wish, but when I remember how he was so adamant to get it across that he was feeling uncomfortable with that oversexualized image during 1D only to center that image around his solo venture just feels bitter, people might say it is a you problem, harry doesn’t owe you fans anything and i would say neither do I so I’m free to criticize his questionable actions lol. Im not trying to shame him, but the day he debuted his supposedly o saying tattoo, some of the shots he was giving to paps were so damn embarrassing like him lowering his shorts to the point that you can practically see his pubic area or im sorry to say this but some of his stage outfits highlighting his body parts seem more deliberate on his part to get his fans to talk about him by fantasizing about him. Lbr some larries or hets are acting like this is nothing to be ashamed of but those people are first to criticize Liam for being too forward with his sexuality to “further” his career. Anyway I literally stopped feeling sorry for him when his video with emrata came out, I realized he must overcome his resentment with being reduced to someone who practically sell people this fantasy of hypersexual man, so who am i to correct his narrative when general public want to take a pass at him saying that he is where he is because young adult women would like to bone him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry for being so crude but I have been watching influential larries downplaying this and essentially making other larries, who are feeling queasy about this, feel bad about themselves have been a pain to observe. I would favor fans more than a celeb with pr team who constantly gaslight a portion of his fandom feel bad about themselves just because they are trying to support a version of him which lately only makes appearance when he/his team want to sell something or create enough chaos to keep his name on social media trends.

Yessss, anon! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

It's more than okay to have conflicting feelings about him. I do think there are more people feeling icky about things then they let on. Some just sweep it under the carpet and focus on the things they still love about him. I get it. But by doing that he'll keep getting away with the manipulation and the exploitation of our loyalty. I do see people losing their patience with him more and more. Dreading things more than looking forward to things. Dwd was beyond people's boundaries. The O tattoo was too, and the citrus fruit bikes seems like it's heading that way too. People are urging each other not to buy from Pleas*ng. The larriebaiting didn’t go down well.

He's acting like he can do anything he wants without repercussions and backlash. That may have been true before, but now and in the future? I don't think so. At least i hope not. I hope people get less and less tolerant of his and his team's shit. We don’t deserve to be lied to, gaslighted and manipulated and taken for fools. Fans need to continue calling him out on it, don't pretend everything is fine and dandy. We need to acknowledge that there's been a change and that we're not liking it. We just have to hope that they listen.

[projectdie]

IT FINALLY FITS AND IT’S LOOSE OH MY GODDDD IM HEALEDDDDDD IVE HAD THIS BITCH IN MY CLOSET SINCE FEB ‘24 BUT I WAS 5 BILLION POUNDS BUT NEEEOWWW I WENT FROM 153 TO MAYBE 112 IDK I CHECK EVERY FEW WEEKS CAUSE IT’S NOT DROPPING AS QUICK IN THE LAST MONTH WHICH IS REALLY GOOD AND EATING PROTEIN HELPS.

HALF OF THE WEIGHT LOSS WAS DONE THROUGH LIKE 20 HR FASTS CAUSE I DIDNT HAVE AN APPETITE BUT MY PSYCH CHANGED MY MEDS SCHEDULE A FEW DAYS AGO AND IM FEELING A BIT MORE HUNGRIER SINCE I STARTED LAST NIGHT. IT’S SUPPOSED TO GRADUALLY BRING BACK MY APPETITE ANDDDD LOSING BODY FAT AT THE SAME TIME

I AM 783 DAYS AWAY FROM HAPPINESS BUT THATS CLOSER THAN 400+ DAYS SO FAR (400 years ago we suffered… see how the devil gets you..).

IM TRYING TO REMEMBER TO EAT IN THE MORNING INSTEAD OF FORGETTING AND LETTING MY ENERGY DEPLETE TO THROWING UP EITHER THE NEXT MORNING OR THE SAME NIGHT WHICH MAKES IT WORSE. IDK IM TRYING AND I THINK IT’S GETTING BETTER (idk why that happens there’s nothing in there).

THREW UP IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS MB 1-2x BUT THATS AN IMPROVEMENT FROM 1-3x A WEEK SO TURN UP!!!!!

IT’S JUST MORE NAUSEA AND LIGHTHEADEDNESS NOW WHICH IS UNFORTUNATELY MY REMINDER TO EAT BUT MY DAD SAID TO SET ALARMS.

IM EATING SLOWLY THOUGH. WHEN I GET SICK I FOUND THAT EATING SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY ALSO MAKES ME THROW UP SO I HAVE TO EAT REALLY SLOW WITH SPACES IN BETWEEN SO MY STOMACH CAN SETTLE.

BUT IT’S GOOD IM DOING GOOD I THINK!

in other news, i think the hypersexuality is gone? it feels like a regular want more than a requirement i used to cry about. it was really bad and i was talking to all the wrong significantly older men including debating hiring escorts someday. i rejected everyone and im sticking with one man who doesn’t freak me out lmfao. i miss another but our personalities just wouldn’t match up and it was saddening me. i could’ve had a 6’2 gentle giant farm boy, but i wish they had been more social. it was hard to speak and get to know them, and i wanted to deviate from sexual gratification instead of forcing myself to be with anyone just for the specific “filled” feeling. they wanted to make me as comfortable as possible through boundaries and whatnot, and it was nice to be actually cared for. i miss energetic connection. they were so sweet though i was really looking forward to it.

another person was one i really enjoyed because instead of me being the nonconsensual interviewer, i got bombarded with lots of questions about me, what i thought, my background, how i felt about certain things, ect., but i noticed it was more about “collecting information from a crush” than “you’re pretty and beautiful, i think this could be good.”

i’m okay though. i think someone will be able to consistently love and like me as a person, see my worth, and stay someday. i think i do a lot. i was considered difficult by family and others because everything took more patience with me. from the latency between me hearing and comprehending sentences to being too confident in misunderstandings when it came to action, i hope im not disappointing anymore. i’m trying i really am

[theaberrantmoth]

Since I need to post things on this account, here’s an overview of the songs in my album-in-production: The Mind The Body Forgot.

The album was written with each song tackling different aspects of the mind or mental conditions, typically various trauma and trauma responses.

Some songs will have trigger warnings due to heavier themes

Song 1 | Chimera:

Chimera is a song about being changed by an individual to better suit their wants as opposed to the POV’s own autonomy

Mild TW: Gore-y depictions

Song 2 | Toy:

Toy is a song about reducing one’s self to being an object for others to use at their disposal to avoid being left alone.

TW: Self Destructive Tendencies, Abuse, Sexual Themes

Song 3 | Martyr:

Martyr is a song about grappling with the weight of being the savior to the people around you, especially given you struggle with the faith they seems so desperate for you to share.

TW: Religious Trauma

Song 4 | Touch:

Touch is the heaviest song in terms of theming, tackling the idea of hypersexuality and how it can stem from sex related trauma. Touch is a story about the almost compulsive needs and thoughts that drive actions to distract from being hurt before, as well as the internal shame from perceiving themself as depraved.

TW: Hypersexuality, sexual trauma, self loathing

Lastly,

Song 5 | Porcelain Child:

Porcelain Child is the last and lightest of the songs in The Mind The Body Forgot. Porcelain Child depicts the weight of expectation and perceived perfection, and coping with self-isolation via locking yourself away in a glass box.

I really look forward to production and seeing what comes of my random little project.

[ahereticatoll]

0- introduction

i had my first cigarette on the Saturday Night of Leeds Festival. it was a cold, august night and blink 182 was in the middle of all the small things. i had sat down at the back of the crowd as i had fucked up my leg in a mosh pit that afternoon. the cigarette was one dashed away from a random passerby, still lit. i dragged it and i felt like it was a dawning of a new me. i had had my first vape the evening before, mind you. fast forward two, three months and i have developed a crippling addiction to nicotine and a burgeoning love for weed. i probably have the gene for addiction within me, as my father, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, aunt, uncles, cousins all have nicotine addictions, two dying from it. this is the great irony of me, i have all this context of how crippling addiction is and i just continue.

it was around this time where i had my last girlfriend for the time being, she was slightly younger and from finland. it was purely online as i had lost all my 'mojo' following 2 bad breakups in december 2023 and july 2024. ever since them, and my split from this finnish girl, i promised myself that i would never love someone deeply, i will commit myself to the hedonistic parts of my hypersexuality, to meet people and not love them, just sleep with them. its not worked, ever, but its good to have boundaries. my sexuality is one of the great unanswered questions of life, as it seems to be constantly waving like water in a sink. i flip from straight to bi to gay to pan to aro to gay again quicker than a coin, but i never land. as of right now i find myself defining myself with an uncommon label- homoromanticism. in my life i have found that i can have attraction to all genders but i can only catch feelings for boys (the 3 people i have ever cried over were all boys- ill introduce them all when its called for).

for what its worth, to those around me my official label doesn't matter, i'm just a faggot.

i want to preface too that i am not as good a person as a first person pov may make me seem. it is natural for someone who is speaking of themself to make themself seem more sympathetic, but please don't. i'm not a person i think is deserving of sympathy.

finally, i will explain the title of this blog, something i want to write as a concrete work once my feelings are catalogued, an unwanted autobiography. i came up with the concept of A Heretic Atoll while reading the liner notes of hail to the thief by radiohead, and it came up. i see it representing where i live, a place that, within the outskirts, lays the hedonism that i see myself being a part of. we are all heretics, me and my friends, even if we don't show it. we all have things about us that make us heretics in the eyes of conservatives- gender identity, sexuality, actions, addictions, all making us heretics circling the waters of the city i call home. i hate this place, i want to escape, but i cannot help but feel like i love it. i love the feeling that this city gives me- the borderline northern identity.

this will all get personal, so i will change every name, but every word is true, at least to me.

[chaos0pikachu]

As someone who was in fandom since like, the 4kids dub - then took a break and came back to the show years later - a lot of it has to do with a couple factors.

During the first go around when fandom was building out Sanji and Zoro were the only "hot" straw hats. That's not a knock on ppl shipping things for shallow hot reasons is gucci lord knows I've done it but like let's be real this was def a factor. Luffy wasn't "hot" and neither do/did ppl consider Ussop hot.

Sanji was more well rounded as a char than Luffy, this is a consequence of Oda's earlier storytelling. idk if this is an unpopular opinion or not but while I freaking ADORE the Romance Dawn trio the earlier chapters/episodes of One Piece are a bit thin and more straight forward action shounen. Zoro's backstory is pretty by-the-numbers, Luffy's backstory is also a mix of about him/about Shanks and not super fleshed out, Ussop is when we start to see a more fleshed out take on a backstory (but again naysayers say Ussop is ugly). Zoro's backstory is so tragedy free and mundane compared to other chars ppl are still convinced it's a fakeout and Kuina was secretly murdered by the World Government - r/onepiece is covered in these theories. Basically, when Sanji appeared he was a perfect "woobie"; thorough and tragic backstory, plus hot? Perfect woobie sad boi to project on and/or ship with (fandom loves shipping archetypes see migratory slash fandom for more on that)

Something that often happens in fandom is when a fandom has A Ship or The Fandom Ship (ie the big ship that seemingly the entire fandom ships) new fans will automatically gravitate towards that ship b/c it already has a built in community to interact with. I've seen this happen a lot with ships like Sterek (Teen Wolf) or Klance (Voltron). It's simply easier for new fans plus you have the Big Shipping Base coloring the perspective of new fans and how they'll see the media piece with pre-determined bias towards The Ship.

In more recent fandom discourse there's a lot of discouragement to ship Luffy with Zoro specifically b/c of the aroace handcanon for Luffy (which for some reason doesn't apply to luffy's most popular ship lawlu which has loads of explicit fic, doujin and fanart) not saying ppl can't headcanon luffy as aroace do your thing, spark your joy, just that I've seen this used as reason why you "can't/shouldn't" ship Luffy with Zoro in fanon

There's other factors involved, like fans liking the dynamic of enemies to lovers or rivals to lovers which with some flexibility zosan can fit. They do have some good moments in Wano that made me go "yeah I get it" but Wano started airing in 2019 and zosan has been The Ship for OP (western) fandom since the show starting airing in 1999.

In terms of OPLA there's also the intersection of Luffy being played by a visibly brown actor - when it comes to latin chars in media it's been my experience if they're light skinned they get exotified and hypersexualized (Poe from Star Wars, any char played by Pedro Pascal) and if they're Black or Brown they get desexualized and dismissed (Scott from Teen Wolf, Luffy from OPLA, Amaro from SVU). I think the exception I've seen is Lance from Voltron but his characterization in fandom was riddled with stereotypical issues that I don't even wanna get into.

This isn't like a ~callout~ or anything for zosan or any other ships mentioned or any specific headcanons what-have-you. I get why people ship zosan - sterek, klance, etc - and I so do not care if ppl ship this or that like it's all gucci

This is more a general discussion on fandom trends to explore the "why" of it's popularity and prominence in OP fandom from a fandom wizard of old.

So glad for your latest post about zosan because I started 1pc FULLY expecting to be bowled over by their interactions for how prevalent the ship is in the fandom and I’ve just….. been so confused about it… and wondering if I’m missing something…. like it’s not enemies to lovers, they’re not even rivals, they’re just like. Irritable coworkers who sometimes get in each other’s way…. Anyway ur so right about sansopp 🙏🙏

I didn't know ANYTHING about one piece when I watched opla (I didn't even know they were pirates) so I def didn't know about zsn. I walked away from the live action thinking 'damn the captain and first mate are NOT normal about each other' and 'luffy is sanji's little meow meow <3". I didn't even consider zoro and sanji as a dynamic outside of 'they're both trying to be the prettiest belle at the ball so that luffy will look at them'..... but I didn't really actively ship either. not even zolu (surprising I know)

upon learning about zsn I thought ok. this is clearly because I haven't watched the anime / read the manga. obviously there's something i'm missing. I read 400 chapters of the manga and am currently 450 episodes into the anime. there is obviously still something i'm missing because like you said, i'm seeing irritable coworkers. i'm not denying that they respect each other & care for each other as nakama but like...................like..................LIKE??

I'm never been a hate shipper, nor am I predisposed to ship things bc 'hot'. nothing against people who do obviously but my track record of otps is the exact opposite of the zsn dynamic. and going into the series not even knowing they were a popular ship. I have tried to see it (and obvi in the hate ship hot sex way I can see it) but other than that I have accepted that I will never get it. luffy x zoro & sanji x usopp on the other hand.....

[hardcorekidbarbie]

Today was a WILD ride. But I’m hoping that the things that came out of it are beneficial long term. Fingers Crossed.

So i guess a lot of this really started yesterday or the day before.. but Husb and I were partaking in extracurricular medicines so we were up late n feeling frisky and adventurous. We were using a anonymous chat site to have some fun. He explicitly told me numerous times Not to use it on my own and that this was an us together thing. He DEF has the right to feel this way and place these limits especially considering my problems with hypersexuality and how I have used such sites in the past while manic. (This 100% should have been one of my first clues 🙄) It was awesome, we had a blast, I felt super seen and connected to him and for once in a very long time I didn’t feel like a disgusting freak for my kinks or exhibitionist behaviors. Problem is I felt SO good I didn’t think thing’s through when perusing the chat site for ideas in our future use..

Fast forward to today. We both crashed hard last night so we were both up early this morning. We ran a couple errands and I started doing some housework. I was feeling GREAT and productive (clue 2). I was feeling a lil sexy n I was definitely gonna ask him if he wanted to play that way again tonight. (Clue 3) While fantasizing about our potential night time fun n doing laundry I remembered I had a shrink appointment that morning. ALMOST missed it but didn’t. Saw Shrink Shelly n was literally feeling Top Notch. While discussing my bipolar we went over my mania symptoms and then about halfway through my session it hit me… I’m Manic Right Now.

Of course the correct action would have been to divulge that to her right then.. but nope! I was definitely frightened of the unknown of her reaction and what would happen as a result of me telling her???? Literally doesn’t make sense lol After my session I went to Walmart and was just noticing tons of things that confirmed this. But so far nothing really bad was happening (besides some self medicating) so I thought why not ride the high… I took forever at Walmart bc the racing thoughts were causing me to forget and second guess what I needed. I talked to Husb and I could feel a slight annoyance that I was taking so long. So I rushed home. We were kinda chatting n I felt like he was irritated by something or I dunno what. He asked if I had used any sites without him. I wanted to be honest, I hadn’t done anything bad.. except I had. I completely diminished his feelings by using it for recon. I broke the one rule he gave me and once again I felt surprised bc “it was no big deal”. My brain just minimizes situations and I lose site of the bigger picture. In the moment I really felt like “why is he so upset? I didn’t do anything wrong” But talking/getting defensive and arguing with him I realized exactly what I did wrong and how it hurt him.. but it was kinda too late. It was him telling me I fucked up and hurt him by not taking his feeling’s seriously and he was right. It was a shitty thing to do and as usual I felt hella guilty. But not before making a huge fuckin deal of it bc I always blow up and then see the error of my ways quickly after. Feels crappy. Because of how I handled things I ruined the whole day.. I couldn’t just apologize n let him be justifiably mad for a minute. I always get defensive and I was irritated for ruining my chances of future fun. Which in fact, had I let the situation play out normally, would have mostly been saved. Jen Queen Champion of Ruining things. So while in the car I worked on my “reasonable thinking” and was able to work through my problematic thinking and felt better. MUCH better. I thought that now that I saw things clearly and apologized and took accountability for what I did wrong and was feeling better that I could reclaim the day. I decided to reach out on my Bipolar1 and BPD Reddit groups for advice. But you know.. I just don’t learn from my mistakes. So Husb was like WTF are you doing on Reddit! And me again minimizing everything was like oh I just use it for mental health advice and support. But AGAIN that is a site he’s justifiably told me not to use. So now he’s upset bc I literally am doing exactly what we just discussed and I just said I understood. Needless to say I have destroyed his mood for the day.. my mania is still around but it’s symptoms have lessened. I wanted to reclaim the day and make up for my mistakes and try to hopefully influence Husb mood. So I actively have stayed in a positive mood and tried to be as ideal a partner as humanly possible. Because the mania is still present it was easy to fall back into the positive mood. His mood however was not influenced.. He says he’s over it and that nothing is wrong but his actions, attitude, language etc say otherwise. N the post-mania guilt is creeping in early.

So anyway Shrink Shelly asked if I journaled today and said I should try picking it up again. I think putting em out on here is gonna be beneficial. I just get worried that mania is having me believe that this is a better idea than it really is. Being aware of Mania when it’s happening is supposedly a good thing. Well lemme tell you.. it’s fucking confusing and causes me to second guess my feelings and thoughts. Lots of lessons learned today and I’m hoping they really sink in. Im hoping I see all this as clearly when the mania ends. I’m also hoping the journaling keeps up after this is over too. I still have SO much to learn about myself and my illness. BUT baby steps. Forward progress.

[hana-no-seiiki]

which oc from Midnight Darling reacting to reader asking them out of curiosity, to see what its like dating someone? and the only thing to show their love was through holding hands and leaning on the oc?

(the reader is based on what i did when i dated someone... as an asexual questioning their romantic orientation.

YANDERE COLLEGE THEMED OCS! x READER

TW: Yandere Themes. Sexual Themes.

FOR THOSE WHO ARE NEW TO THE BLOG/HAVEN’T BEEN INTRODUCE TO MIDNIGHT DARLING YET, THESE OCS ARE ALL BASED ON COLLEGE / SCHOOL ARCHETYPES ! You may read more on them using the Midnight Darling tag on my blog :D

New OCs have been added! We now have a total of 20 (oh good yun) so this will quite a long list.

anon im not sure if you wanted specific ocs since you used which but then added reacting so have all of them and then more. plus popular girl as a character cause why not.

Reader is GN for this one.

♡ Gabi [ Yan! Popular Girl ] would either be completely opposed due to her hypersexuality, or intrigued by your modest nature. She’s used to sleeping with people after they’ve just met so you’d be a breath of fresh air. She respects your orientation completely though and will not cross any boundaries. She’s mid as a test subject because of her harem which will influence her actions throughout the relationship. You will end up either getting cheated on or killed.

♡ Shawn Ruiz [Yan! Underclassman] is asexual himself. He actually prefers the slow type of romance that’s more focused on just that, rather than a physically forward relationship. Like, why have sex when you two can go shopping for hours? He’s rich enough to buy a whole mall just for the two of you to have for a day. Best boyfriend you could ever wish for (on the surface at the very least).

♡ Isabel Labrador [Yan! Nerd] will do everything in her power to provoke you. She will show off her body just to make you take her. You’ll really have to drill it into her head before she understands that you have a pace you want to go with/that you do not want to get down and dirty. Great part about being her partner though is that she’ll do everything in her power to make sure you have the best grades in class. You will not fail or get any score under a 99% in a single subject under her watch.

♡ Darling De Leon [Yan! Teacher’s Pet] is the worst. While Isabel’s actions are from ignorance and her plain bratty attitude, Darling has no perception of boundaries whatsoever. She will kill for you, and she will kill others just to make you do what she wants. Plain and simple. Worst test partner to have. Only good(ish) side is that you have her utter devotion. She’ll try her best to please you as long as you also please her.

♡ Justin Del Rosario [Yan! Jock]. He was a complete virgin before he met Popular!Reader/Gabi, assuming they never got together, he wouldn’t really be out looking for sex and whatnot. You think from how he looked that he’d be the type that fucks but nah Justin is a complete househusband. Similar to Shawn, he’s gonna focus on giving the best possible taste of a relationship.

♡ Mona Noriega [Yan! Gossiper/Lackey] is an absolute marites. Most of your relationship with her is just conversations about other people that goes on and on and on and on- If you decide relationships are not for you and leave her, she will destroy your social life. Point blank. She’ll destroy your life outside of college too. No employer will ever take someone as filth ridden as you. But fortunately, she’s willing to get her hands dirty as long as you come back to her arms.

♡ Crisanto Salvador [Yan! Rich Kid] used to be a hedonist. You’ll have to be the one that guides him in the relationship and teach him that chasing after pleasure all the time is not healthy in the slightest.

♡ Reina Liwanag [Yan! Loyal/Puppy-like Lackey] is absolute focused on pleasing you. Overwhelming but can be controlled if you communicate with her properly. She’s fine with open relationships as long as you check on her once in a while. Leave her neglected for too long and there might be consequences…

♡ Ella Morin [Yan! Quiet /Emo Kid] has no relationship experience whatsoever, nor did she ever think she’ll ever be in one. She’ll be incredibly awkward to be with especially if you don’t share the same interests but as long as you take initiative and bond with her through her hobbies you’ll be a-okay. Lots of trying out rituals online, writing fanfiction, making fanart and what not. Leaving her might get you cursed to eternal damnation so be careful.

♡ Eloise Morin [Yan! Physics Professor] is an absolute wifey. Which, can be good or bad depending on who you’re talking to. She only dates with an intent to get married to that person. So there’s a lot of insecurity and hesitance in the dating period. But if you’re down with getting tied to one person your whole life then she’d be the best option. Extremely loyal, is a great cook, and is incredibly smart. Expect random spiels about Physics though, not as bad as Marx’s mansplaining but it’s there.

♡ Amelia Yorkshire [Yan! Linguistics Professor] if you’re looking for experience than there’s no person in the school who has the most knowledge on that type of topic more than Amelia. She’s an expert at wooeing and seducing but kinda falls off at the actual relationship part. She thinks sex is the biggest part and scared off many of her previous partners with how much of a nymphomaniac she is. Definitely a terrible option for an asexual, but I’d recommend her if you’re looking for a casual physical relationship that isn’t too deep. Then again, if you end up leaving her you’ll have a potential s*xu*l ass*ulter of yours on the loose. Yikes.

♡ Marx Esguerra [Yan! Biology Professor] is terrible in all ways possible. No matter what orientation you have. Once he ‘has’ you, he will never respect your boundaries. He will control your feelings, rewire your brain in order to fit what his ideals are. Mansplaining is a regular occurrence in a relationship with him. He won’t back down from a debate even if he’s wrong, and if you do prove your point properly he’ll either ignore it or ignore you out of spite. Actual child in an adult’s body.

♡ New OC! Althea Dalisay [Yan! Chemistry Professor] tends to be a teacher in and out of the relationship. There won’t be much difference between dating her and not doing so. She’ll be super sweet at times and then cold at the next. What you will get from dating her, as is common from all professors is that you won’t fail any of her classes. Either because of favoritism or her drilling the material into your head. The person with the least backlash when you break-up. Mostly cause it’s impossible with the amount of drugs she puts you under.

♡ New OC! Karen Nolasco [Yan! Mathematics Professor] why are you even dating her? She’s the most hated teacher on this planet. Like she made the name Karen an insult before it was even a mainstream thing. She’s snobby as hell and would act like it’s a privilege to date her when in fact it’s just a normal ass relationship. She won’t even hide her anger if you break up. She’ll fail you and write up every possible mistake you could ever do.

♡ New OC! Fernandez Imelda [Yan! Art/History Professor] the opposite of Karen. Sweet, sweet, sweet. He’s a gift giver at heart. A bit on the creepy side with the amount of paintings he has of you but isn’t it so romantic? This is just normal for couples you see? Never chooses you to model for class, even if its clothed. You’re for his eyes to see only. Overall cool if you’re fine with severe possessiveness and spoiling.

♡ New OC! Mel Morales [Yan! P.E. Professor] is an absolute pervert and doesn’t hide it. A bit hypersexual so they aren’t a good match for ace readers. Forces you to wear short shorts for P.E. and often gropes you during class. Before you dated they made it a rule for players not to engage in relationships but oop you found yourself in bed with them, too bad! Now they gotta take responsibility. But yeah, steer clear if you aren’t into sexual relations.

♡ Daniel Cruz [Yan! Principal] is another no no for aces. Extremely hypersexual that his wife isn’t enough, he has to seek the company of other people as well. Why would you even date a married man anyways? I guess the risk would be cool but don’t expect anything more than just fucking behind closed doors.

♡ Ricardo Peralta [Yan! The President] one of the super sweet ones. Knows everything about his s/o. Has notes and notes about your likes and dislikes, what to do with you often and what to avoid. He’s fine being the more forward one in the relationship but he does get easily shy and flustered. Tease him and he might just explode.

♡ Camille Valencia [Yan! Nurse] is the kindest person you’ll ever meet. Is hyperfocused on your needs and wants. Will literally bend to your desires.

Until you try leaving her. Then you’ll have to deal with several sedatives and aphrodisiac she’ll force into your system, and you wouldn’t want that, right?

♡ Crisanto Salvador [Yan! Rich Kid] is another terrible match for anon specifically. He requires an extremely affectionate s/o. Is basically a man-child that requires affirmation constantly. If you don’t appease his needs, he’ll force it out of you via manipulation and guilt tripping. Of course he cheated on you! You didn’t give him an ounce of your time after all.

But yeah, yanderes ain’t it if you’re looking to test the waters. Boundaries who?

[goodboijohnny]

Okay, this is the last time I'm making a statement on this. I am posting it publicly for all to see, I have nothing to hide.

I've done questionable shit when I was 18, I didn't understand how internet safety worked and I was groomed on it myself, I didn't understand being an adult would change anything. I behaved online as I did as a kid and I wasn't educated or prepared for the conseequences I or others would face for it. When I realized I was doing problematic things I posted multiple public apologies and offered comensation, begging anyone I'd hurt to tell me what I could do to fix it. No one wanted to. Eventually these public apologies were taken down against my will due to my tiktok getting banned shortly after posting a vid of me using my walker. Regardless, the apology was still up for at least a year, I never hid anything.

I have also explained multiple times that I suffer with (and am professionally diagnosed with) the following:

Autism, cptsd, did, bpd, dyslexia, dyscalcula, ocd, hypersexual disorder, clinical depression, anxiety, derealization, dissociation, amnesia, maladaptive daydreaming, and time distortion (these are not all my diagnosises, just the ones that play a part in my online/general behavior the most)

I am not blaming my mental illnesses for my actions in the past. I still take full responsibility for the misunderstandings I had acted upon and the harm I caused. But again, I literally suffer from psychosis, I can't just sweep that under the rug.

All I'm saying is I have grown a lot as a person, and I still am growing as one now. I am not the same man I was when I was 18 and its unfair and immature to hold me to the same standards. Again, if ANYONE has a bad experience with me or was traumatized by me in the past would like to suggest something I can do to make things right, I'd be absolutely honored to be given such an opportunity. But I'm done with the extra rumors and bullshit my ex has been spreading and I'm not going to sit here and allow myself to feel shitty for things I have never done. You cannot expect someone to grow or become better if you don't allow them to grow from their mistakes and move one. You can't keep throwing their past in their face. I know its there, I acknowledge it, and its over now. Leave me the hell alone.

Lucius/Dead/my ex, I am no longer afraid of you and if you continue this path of spreading rumors and misinformation, I will post the evidence of your emotional and psychological abuse. I've been quiet because I want this to end peacefully, but Devil and I have recorded and photographed proof against you that I kept. I will delete it if you leave me alone and cease your stalking behavior. Please.

For anyone else, I am immediately abandoning this account for my own safety, as I have been successfully doxxed before and have had my life threatened recently. I have a new family now, I will not risk their saftey over online drama. However, I will be watching this in case my past victims comment or come forward to give me the opportunity to apologize personally or compensate somehow for the trauma I induced. If they read this and cannot bring themselves to, I understand. I am so so sorry, I still feel terrible and I hope you heal well. I welcome your anger, sadness, and pain in the comments. Feel free to express it. If I could say the things I wanted to to my abusers this way, I'd take the chance in a heartbeat. Your trauma is valid, no matter how big or small. You didn't deserve it. You are allowed to mourn. Never feel pressured to forgive your abusers, even if they grow. You were still hurt. I'm sorry I misunderstood my own actions and allowed you to experience the consequence. Please, do what it takes to heal.

Thank you.

[hualianff]

More Than This

Modern AU where famous actor HC and landscaper XL meet through a dating app. HC had a reputation of being a massive flirt who bedded people left and right, which wasn’t completely wrong–just blown out of proportion. His partners were usually other celebrities who mutually swore to keep their mouths shut in the preservation of their own images.

When HC received a message on the dating app asking about the brand of the wristwatch he wore in his profile pic (which only showcased his hands), the other user hoping to purchase a cheaper, similar style for his friend’s birthday, HC responded for the first time since downloading the app.

What could he say? The other man was gorgeous and if he were simply asking just to slide into HC’s DMs, the actor wasn’t opposed.

Turns out XL asked out of genuine curiosity. FX’s birthday was still a month away. Why XL thought about gifting him a watch similar to the one the stranger wore when XL should’ve been paying attention to the sheer strength those large hands seemed to possess was beyond him.

The name in the bio read: San Lang. The few pictures that were displayed on his profile were minimalistic yet downright sexy. XL blinked in wonder as he typed out another message, hoping to continue the conversation.

Two weeks after chatting back and forth through the app, XL asked if he could meet HC in person. The actor pondered this for a grand total of thirty seconds before agreeing to meet. XL seemed like a sincere character, someone who put other peoples’ comfort above any task at hand–if his emoticon overkill and frequent check-ins with HC were anything to go by.

HC figured he’d cross the bridge once XL recognized him as a well-loved actor starring in the hottest films in the media.

Except when HC arrived in his expensive jeep that screamed wealth, dressed in appropriate clothes for a hike with a baseball cap concealing his features from far away, XL did not have an aha! moment.

“Hello, San Lang! It’s me, Xie Lian,” XL waved as he bounced his way over. “I hope the ride up the mountain wasn’t too scary. You get used to it once you begin visiting more often. Thank you for meeting with me today.”

“It’s no problem at all. Nice to meet you, Xie Lian,” HC greets, guiding them away from his car as soon as he locks the doors, not wanting to draw any onlookers’ attention.

XL gives him a kind smile, adjusting the clasp of his bamboo hat. He explains that there are three main trails and he was thinking they could take the medium-level route. Judging from his white work-out T, jean shorts, and hiking boots, HC deduces that XL spends much time outside, even when he’s not gardening for his clients.

“Lead the way, Gege,” HC says, the title naturally falling from his lips. In XL’s dating profile, his age read thirty-two, just under three years older than HC. (This was followed by a dozen tree, flower, and water emoticons.)

“Okay! Onwards.”

Following their initial meeting, HC met up with XL numerous times after, attracted to XL’s mellow and eccentric personality. Whenever it was XL’s turn to plan their time together, he brought HC to different places each time. National parks, plant nurseries, museums–places that could be considered unconventional compared to the standard meetups from dating apps.

HC’s fondness for XL only grew because of this.

Their chemistry flourished in the bedroom as well, both HC and XL eager for giving and receiving pleasure. In addition to being fuckbuddies, they quickly developed a wholesome friendship that HC never saw coming.

But then again, this was XL. Once HC got a taste, his infatuation with the landscaper shouldn’t be surprising. HC stopped seeing his other speed dials after he met XL.

One of their nights ended by watching a film, XL mentioning off-handedly how he doesn't keep up with pop culture–including popular films–but his friend SQX had begged XL to watch this one. Of course, this had to be a film HC was in, one of his most recent projects. There was no avoiding the impending reveal.

They sit side-by-side on XL’s lumpy couch, watching the movie when XL gasps as the antagonist comes into view.

That is his San Lang! On the screen!

When XL pokes HC on the bicep, asking why the actor hadn’t told him, HC simply says that “My fame isn’t important to who I am.”

To HC’s surprise, XL accepts the answer without protest, nodding.

“San Lang is San Lang, who happens to be a marvelous actor,” XL solemnly says, flashing HC a delighted smile. HC hums in content, subtly repositioning his arm so it rested on the back of the couch, curling around XL’s shoulders.

Except after the movie ended and a google search later, XL finds out that San Lang isn’t San Lang after all.

“Should I call you Hua Cheng from now on? Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’ve been calling you the wrong name for three months now-” XL rushes out, guilt painted across his face.

“Gege, it’s fine. I used it as an alias for my profile to protect my identity,” HC explains. He reaches forward to tuck a long strand of XL’s hair behind his ear. “Besides, I quite like it when you call me San Lang.”

“Really?” XL sheepishly asks.

“Really.”

From that moment on, HC and XL clicked perfectly, learning more about each other when time permitted them to meet up. XL felt a little foolish for not knowing who HC was as a celebrity. But like HC said, his fame did not define him as a person, which XL clearly saw from the playful way he held himself when there were no cameras around.

HC matched XL’s enthusiasm in whatever activity they were doing, even if it was something XL’s previous partners couldn’t care less about. Eight months into their arrangement, XL finally admitted to himself that he had deep feelings for HC.

While they had great chemistry as friends, XL selfishly wanted more.

But how could XL ask for something more? They already agreed to keep things casual, to remain as friends who used each other to release their sexual urges. It didn’t matter how delicate HC cleaned XL up or always ran him a bath after their climaxes. It didn’t matter how HC always set out his clothes for XL to stay the night. And it didn’t matter how close HC held onto him as they slept.

XL was simply a landscaper with a passion for nature and helping others. He wasn’t built for the limelight. He was barely in the loop with societal trends, and only recently began watching the latest movies with HC–many of which HC himself acted in.

Frankly speaking, HC could have anyone he wanted. XL was the one who should be grateful HC even sought him out a second time.

XL is thirty-three now. He wanted to find someone to settle down with, to spend the rest of his life with, falling deeper in love with every single day. He was not sure HC, who was just entering his thirties and continuing to make a name for himself, would want something like that with someone like XL.

Even when every one of HC’s actions alluded that he truly cared for XL, XL had learned that hope was a dangerous thing to mindlessly cling to. XL has had past partners come into his life, then leave him like he was nothing, like none of him was worth staying for. XL didn’t think he could bear it if HC became just another name on that list.

Furthermore, XL didn’t want to put HC or his career on spot, nor put his heart in a position where it was bound to be broken.

As XL grappled with his perceived one-sided feelings, HC only allowed himself to yearn when laying on the bed in his penthouse. It was much larger than XL’s bed. It was also much lonelier.

HC was unable to grant XL the verbal confirmation of where they stood, held back by the weight of his status, which had always been his selling point alongside his hypersexualized image. Not only did HC not want to risk pressuring XL into pursuing a relationship with a celebrity, but somewhere deep inside, HC didn’t believe XL could want him for who he is–even after the year and a half they’ve known each other.

Much of HC’s self-worth had come from his accomplishments as an actor, untouchable yet fantasized by the public. Peeling back all the layers he hid behind, HC saw his true self as too ugly, damaged, and undesirable; phrases many people in his past have spat to his face, including his parents.

In HC’s mind, he had already tied XL down to their routine no-strings-attached meet-ups. While HC savored every moment he spent with XL, he didn’t want to further intrude on XL’s simple life and have the other man resent him in the end.

《II》

(Thanks to @no-one-says-hi for helping)