#also shes great and I can and would write a dissertation on it

[jade-gemstone]

Now, if all the characters in @dr-akeda-amuesments were put into the hunger games, the winner would NOT be Shigeo. It would be Journey. Shigeo seems like the answer but he is a SIMP who is EASILY DISTRACTED and Journey would win I feel it in my bones.

[savagewilderness]

Made notes on Viaticum for the Marquise for book club, so I thought I’d share them here in case anyone wanted to discuss anything in this meaningless dissertation…. 

First of all, I wondered all of a sudden when reading this part whether episode titles might not actually be part titles of the whole TVL book?

Let’s discuss Gabrielle!  

Question 1: If you were Gabrielle, would you accept immortality from your son, not knowing if him giving you this could kill him?  I feel like if I had a child I’d say no myself… would she rather have immortality even if it had killed Lestat?  Or did she just not think it would kill him?

The first night she is a vampire, Gabrielle steals a load of expensive clothes, only to instantly discard them… Lestat talks of being spiritually exhausted and just wanting to go ‘home’ to the tower to rest.  But he doesn’t dwell fully on the why of it, nor does he dwell on much of the nature of Gabrielle’s new self and what it feels like to him – a monster, yes, but who in many ways tries to be *good* and who certainly at least struggles with the war between striving for good, and being a fabulous devil.  Gabrielle cares nothing for any mortal anymore.  She tells Lestat she feels as if she died, and refers to her mortal self as “she”, not me now (more reasons than one we can assign to this, of course.)  There’s a great quote on p174 with Gabrielle referring to her human self as she rather than me or I.  

It is way more than that she doesn’t care for those she kills in order to live.  She steals expensive clothes from humans, to discard them that same night without caring.  She snaps an innocent boy’s neck for his attire without thought, and without feeding on him.  How does Lestat really feel about this?  It is against the semblance of morality Lestat strives to follow… and yet Lestat also talks of what a wonderful monster he is and rejects his attempts at being moral as a self-deceiving-lie often enough… so, does he admire Gabrielle’s coldness, or does it terrify him?  Or, both?!  He calls her a pure predator… I think he most likely respects this aspect of Gabrielle, and simultaneously fears it, as I feel like the root of it (not actually caring about humans) is incredibly alien and unimaginable to Lestat.  Not dissimilar to how he always felt about the coldness in his Mother, I suppose…?

On this note: 

Vampire Gabrielle is freed from MEN and from human connections.  Her human-self is something she once was and is no longer who she is.  She cannot care about humans and feels separate to them, as The Sky or God may feel separate…  She is TERRIFIED of being trapped, as she felt in life.  To me, the moments as a vampire when she panics seem because of feeling somehow trapped potentially.  Gabrielle panics when her hair grows – she’s trapped with that CONSTRAINT on her free-self now for eternity (I also find it interesting how very practically Lestat responds to Gabrielle’s panic.)  She panics in the coffin in Notre Dame – could religion and men’s imposition of religion trap her?  She wants to be in nature, away from humans and society…

This is SO alien and inconceivable to Lestat!  Lestat fears lack of meaning, being alone and lack of love.  He craves connection to others.  To be good enough for another to find him worthy of love is the meaning of existence to Lestat.

They both fear what the other desires and desire or crave what the other fears…  I don’t think Lestat fully realises (or acknowledges at least) this initially, but I think Gabrielle knows it instantaneously… and so she also fears for Lestat.  She fears whether he will be able to survive.  I think this is one reason she instantly worries about Lestat turning Nicolas… and Gabrielle knows things of Nicolas in this respect of course that Lestat does not.  Nicolas and Gabrielle have been writing to each other, and Gabrielle may see more clearly the impact Lestat’s change in status has had on Nicki than Lestat does, blinded by both love and his new-born vampire self as he is…?  Lestat says Nicki had been drinking to excess and it had left him thinner and haggard, but had made his beauty all the more striking.  He notes the new malice in Nicki, but to Lestat, all human emotion is beautiful - in its humanity, so Lestat never seems to look to deeply into Nicolas’ experience.  We know the few times Lestat glimpsed inside Nicki’s mortal mind, he was terrified by the chaos and desolation he saw and he quickly withdrew.  

On Gabrielle, on p162, Lestat says “We were together and nothing could ever separate us now.”  Clearly he had no idea in that first instant of Gabrielle’s vampire-birth what would come to pass…

Lestat says “There was no mother anymore, no petty need and terror; she was simply who she was.  She was Gabrielle.”  I found this an interesting way of putting across the way vampires are no longer their human-selves – their human ties are instantly severed or altered (unless they choose to try to keep them), yet they are still their selves…?

I loved this way Lestat describes Gabrielle – “She looked delicate as a diamond can look delicate when preyed upon by light.”

So, let’s talk about Nicolas!  At this point, Nicolas is drinking to excess, believes Lestat has done some kind of Free-Masonry/Cult-esque alchemy/magic thing that he’s excluded Nicki from because Nicki is not an aristocrat, so is too societally lowly.  I feel this could be emphasised even more on TV, right in the middle of The French Revolution, as things will be?  It only gets worse when Lestat then *does* turn his own Mother, an aristocrat too.  

Could there even be parallels made between how Nicolas feels about Lestat to how Louis feels, I wonder?  Or that Louis feels differently – because Nicolas felt Lestat had deserted him... when Lestat first vanishes Nicolas is sure to defend Lestat’s integrity, saying that Lestat would never be ashamed of him or his friends and would never perceive himself as above Nicolas or anyone at Renaud’s.  But Nicolas thinks when he watches Lestat die yet live that actually he’d been naïve for once and Lestat HAS in fact excluded Nicolas from some secret he perceives Nicki as unworthy of.  He must feel like Lestat never loved him.  He must feel stupid and bereft and in the darkest place he has ever been.  

I think *this* is Lestat’s failure unto Nicolas.  Nicolas saw and accepted Lestat for all he was - even bringing up that he saw Lestat’s sensitivity when they were children, at The Witches’ Place… And that Lestat felt from Nicki’s music, I imagine made Nicolas felt Lestat accepted him too…. Not least as Lestat surely did love Nicolas deeply.  But now he thinks Lestat actually didn’t accept him for all he was as he saw Nicki as societally beneath him.  

Later, with Louis, we have someone who is not accepted for the all of who he is either – not in society, not within his family, not by God.  But this time, Lestat can accept Louis for the entirety of his self.  And, on TV, that’s exactly what Lestat offers Louis.  Is he learning this from these experiences with Nicolas in some way?

I think Lestat taking Nicolas with him after Renaud’s was Nicolas’ last true hope at survival.  As things went, even before Armand abducts Nicolas and shatters the very last of Nicki’s reason, I think Nicolas is on a path with only one end: death - from the moment he witnesses Lestat be shot to death, but not die… and then leave him.  I don’t say Nicolas had a huge chance at life even had Lestat taken him then.  But maybe Nicolas might have had 1% chance of life if Lestat had taken him away from Renaud’s right then, explained everything, and given Nicolas a choice of what he wanted.  From the moment Lestat left that night… Nicolas’ sand-timer was counting to his death.  I kind of wish Lestat had transformed Nicki the night after he, himself was turned.  Actually I think that would have been Nicki’s best hope.  But then again, I love tragedy too much, so I am happy Nicolas dies as he was always meant to at the same time!  And I don’t think, in his cynicism he was ever right for Lestat for eternity, even as much as I love Nicolas and believe in his and Lestat’s love as true.  I wonder if, when making Louis, in love, he ever thinks back and wonders how it might have been had he transformed Nicolas instantly?  Or had he at least shared with Nicolas instantly what had happened?  But maybe the knowledge of vampires in itself would have been enough to shatter Nicolas’ mind?  Maybe he was too fragile for immortality as it was, such was the level of darkness and cynicism in him, when coupled with his fragility and that religious foundation?  Anyway… I am straying far from the text here…

Small points:

I love Lestat’s connection to animals, for example, how he can summon his horse, even as a vampire.  Especially when animals are general instinctively afraid of vampires.  This is already on TV in S1 so I look forward to seeing this theme in S3 too.

P173 as Lestat and Gabrielle cross the bridge, Lestat feels “a commotion, the tumult of mortal minds.”  Is this Nicolas being abducted?

I WISH ANNE HAD WRITTEN MORE OF GABRIELLE AND MORE FROM HER PERSPECTIVE!

The first night Gabrielle sleeps and looks dead to Lestat and he gives her a blood kiss… what proportion do you think it’s motivated by desire/connection, and what proportion through his fear as she looks dead, she is dead?  It’s a big thing – she was going to die that very die and now she is alive… is she?

I love when Lestat just watches the sunset when he rises.

P178 “I wanted to say Nicki sat by your bed when you were dying, does that mean nothing?” – I loved this and so I quote it.

I love how in these first days of immortality, Gabrielle and Lestat show their love for each other by denying their desires, and remaining alongside each other before all else.

The Witching Hour again starts chapter 5.

P184 – why call any dwelling a home when it can be your LAIR!?!?!

When Lestat first sees the stable boy’s death in his mind he feels the death ‘as if I had seen a small dark bird suddenly rising from the stables.’ And I wondered – is that Nicolas’ mind-bird?

I love how full-out atheist Lestat is in TVL.  He doesn’t question his beliefs.  Like any 20-year-old, he knows his truth.

The hymns Lestat and Gabrielle hear in Notre Dame are both written by Thomas Aquinas, as mentioned in S1E2

Malice is used a LOT in this part

P161 – Even so early in his Vampire life, in traumatic times, Lestat goes back to Winters in the Auvergne in his mind.  Fragments of memory that always return.

P199 – Did Armand get ‘rapture’ from Lestat’s mind?  Armand is super creepy at the end here when he gets into Lestat’s mind… and he says “Come to me”

Lestat says Armand’s great weakness is pride.  Is it so?  

I ended the part writing “Naughty!  Armand!” When Armand tries to bite and drain Lestat.

Lines/bits I thought could be on TV:

“We were in Paris.  And we were going to live forever.”

Gabrielle jump scaring Lestat the first night she rises as her vampire self is pretty funny so I reckon will be on TV?

“But where would I want to go?  Away from all those I’d known and loved? I did not want to stop thinking of you, of Nicki, even of my father and brothers.  I did what I wanted.  If you follow your conscience, you do what you want….. (snip)… I wanted you to be happy.”  (Side note – wealth and gifts don’t make everyone happy, Lestat!) – Gabrielle and Lestat’s innate differences are really noted on P179

I feel Armand’s vampires at the Tower ‘like bats’ could be glorious gothic horror on TV

The stable boy in Nicki’s coat and Lestat not consciously accepting he recognises it at first will surely be on TV????

LOL at Lestat bursting from his coffin in Notre Dame as a Devil… YET still throwing money at strangers, so they love him and are made happier!!!!

“It will be rage until I have proof that it must be grief.”

Obviously I love all the Caravaggio descriptions of Armand, which are SO Assad too!  I hope some make TV!  And ‘like a succubus’!

Armand and Lestat’s fight in Notre Dame will be AMAZING!

Some dualities in IWTV:

Death vs life

Freedom vs connection

Nature vs society

Goodness vs evil

Mortality vs immortality

Enduring vs disintegration

I thought we could discuss any thematic dualities of note and how they may play into the form of the TV show and narrative?

Well that's all of my thoughts on this part... I say it as if I haven't just OUT-TOO-MUCH-ED Lestat himself with my (sadly also way less cool, contextually) too-much-ness!

HO HUM!

(Page numbers are UK current edition paperback.)

[starsreminisce]

Papa Archeron favors Elain so he must have seen some potential in her. What other potential or speculative skills do you think Elain could have that can aid her in becoming an independent actor from her sisters and the Night Court? Do you think she got some of her skills from her father?

What kingdoms or courts do you think the next book (if it's an Elucien book) would explore and expand on?

If political drama were to be the focus of the next ACOTAR book, which political actor (could be any HL, non-HL, or any person of power) are you excited to see more of?

Lastly, fears for the next book that you are not looking forward to that you think can possibly happen.

Sorry for the many questions.

You're fine with the questions! I worry that I'll ramble and give you like a dissertation that ends up being too long to read so if you managed to get to the end of it, I hope your pillow stays cold. thank you haha!

I found it interesting that Elain was described as someone who can convince anyone to do anything with her pretty smile, and her father was a great negotiator who managed to temporarily free Vassa from Koschei, whom Elain had also dreamed about.

I think Elain stays close to her father and picks up on how he conducts his dealings, learning to read body language and details for negotiations. Cassian said that Elain saw it all and understood why—she has shown this ability when she pinpointed that Papa Archie's death caused Nesta to spiral, and when she read Azriel's decision and agreed (hence the confusion). Feyre would not have had the use of the house to meet the Queens if Elain had not convinced Nesta to allow it, showing her influence.

It's also notable that Elain is a seer, and this can tie into Papa Archie's background as a merchant, relying on intuition. We were told that Papa Archie gambled on three ships to Bharat to pay off their debts completely. Although he lost their wealth, part of being an entrepreneur (or merchant, in this case) is knowing and calculating risks for a high payoff—sometimes it works out, and sometimes it doesn't. With that, we did see Elain gamble on some decisions, and I wonder if her ability to assess risks and potential payoffs quickly plays a role in this.

I also wonder if Papa Archie set up something related to the key to freeing Vassa or defeating Koschei that only Elain would understand, which could come into play later. It's notable that Lucien is the only one who met Papa Archie, and it was for Elain's sake that he found Papa Archie in the process. Lucien spent time with Papa Archie while he was alive, and this connection may deepen his bond with Elain, much like how Papa Archie's death connected Nesta to Cassian through his understanding of her grief over being too late to save his mother.

Since the political drama and questions about the courts sort of blend together, we will likely see Autumn. We have to — there's the bargain between Eris and Rhys, of which only Eris's end has been fulfilled. We left off SF with Beron becoming more proactive about allying with Koschei. I would also love to see more of the Day Court and Helion in action.

Honestly, I'm not thrilled that we are going back to the Spring Court because it feels like… we've been there already, you know? We'll probably see some interaction between the Spring Court and the Human Lands since they border each other. From the sounds of it, if Vassa will be leaving soon, it's likely much more stabilized now. Hopefully, we won't spend too long there (possibly up to Part One?) before moving on to the Day Court and/or Autumn.

This last question though...

I'm worried that the next book may not meet the extremely high expectations being set.

It will officially declare where SJM stands in the ship wars, and there are two groups of people that will have to be satisfied: those on the other side of the ship, and those who have grown dissatisfied and critical with her writing. I fear it won't be as well-received as I hope, especially if it's a book about my favorite ship in the series.

Of course, people can ship who they want, and endgame status doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, but I love Elucien and hope to see that appreciation for them come through, even from those who didn't initially support the ship, and that it's done right by those who feel SJM has lost her touch.

With that said, I don't mind waiting for the announcement. I'd rather have a well-done book that took time to refine than a rushed release that needed more polishing (looking at you, HOFAS, even though I liked you).

Also, I'm feeling a bit jaded after the last couple of series I've read fell flat for me despite my initial excitement for their release.

If you made it this far, nonnie, I hope this answers most of it! Thank you again for taking the time to ask and I hope you have a great day!

[halfagonyandhope]

ignite the stars │ch. 16

first chapter (x); previous chapter (x)

Satine Kryze is an internationally-recognized scholar in genocide studies who recently resigned from the Department of State over her concerns regarding the agency's ethics. Ben Kenobi is a tenured professor at Georgetown University studying the use of religion to justify military conflicts. Once high school sweethearts, the two haven't spoken since parting ways for university. That is, until Satine accepts a research fellowship - at Georgetown.

---

Ventress is the following week’s featured speaker at the weekly seminar, and Satine gets to the lecture hall early so she can have her pick of seats. She joins Vos in the front row, placing her sweater over the seat beside her to reserve it for Ben, who is still at office hours.

“Hey, Satine,” says Vos with a grin. “How’s the book coming along?”

Satine waves at Ventress, who is loading her slides onto the presentation screen. Ventress nods in acknowledgement.

“Outline is complete, and it’s been approved by the publisher,” says Satine. “Which is a massive relief. And I’ve got solid first drafts of the first few chapters. I’m pretty much where I need to be in terms of the grant deliverables.”

“Kudos,” says Vos. “I mean, good for you, but I’d fucking hate to write a book. Sounds miserable.”

Satine laughs. “Sometimes I feel that way, too.” She nudges his shoulder. “Hey, I heard your master’s student scheduled her thesis defense. Does she want folks to attend the public portion to support her? Or would that make her nervous?”

“Aayla would eat up the attention,” says Vos. “So plan to be there.”

“Email me the details?”

“You got it, boss.”

Satine smiles. “Is she planning on sticking around to do her doctorate here?”

“I hope so,” says Vos. “But she applied to a bunch of programs, and she’s gotten some great offers of funding. She’s still weighing everything.”

“I bet you’re proud of her,” says Satine. “And you should be proud of yourself, too. Her success speaks to your skill as an advisor.” 

She thinks she sees him blush. “Nah,” he says. “I had nothing to do with her accomplishments. She could have done it all without me.”

Ben joins them at that moment, brushing a kiss to Satine’s temple. Satine moves her sweater so he can sit beside her. “I’ve been looking forward to hearing about Ventress’ recent work,” he says. “That’s what she’s presenting today, right, Quinlan? Her fieldwork from last summer?”

Vos nods. He opens his mouth to respond, but Dooku Serenno has already risen to his feet, stepping to the center of the lecture hall.

As usual, he begins his introduction.

Satine leans forward. She’s also eager to learn more about Ventress’ work. Though she’d done a deep dive into Ben’s research, she hasn’t had time to investigate her friend’s background as much, and she realizes this is something she must rectify.

Ventress, it turns out, had received one of the prestigious Fulbright awards to complete a portion of her dissertation research in Canada as part of her graduate studies. She’d spent her Fulbright year living amongst First Nations groups in the Arctic, and she’d received another impressive grant to fund a year with an Alaska Native tribe.

Even Serenno’s drawl can’t make Ventress’ life unimpressive.

Eventually, he returns to his seat, ceding the floor to Ventress, and the audience quietly applauds. Ventress doesn’t thank Serenno for the introduction, and Satine smiles to herself at this.

Satine quickly realizes that Ventress is the most effective public speaker in the department, and it doesn’t even take a complete sentence.

“A recent survey of Native youth found that sixty percent of respondents knew an Indigenous person who had gone missing or been murdered,” begins Ventress. “Such violence against Native people in the lands that are currently called the United States - the land that Indigenous people know as Turtle Island - is commonplace, so much so that we’ve labeled this epidemic as the Missing and Murdered Indigenous People crisis.”

She looks out over the audience, pausing.

“If this is a novel statistic to you, you are part of the problem,” says Ventress, flipping to her next slide. “Stanton described first eight, later expanded to ten, total stages of the process of genocide. The final stage - the final phase of genocide - is denial. This includes when past or ongoing genocides are forgotten, or never taught in the first place.”

Satine feels seen.

How many times has she had to explain to American colleagues what happened in Bosnia? How many times has she had to watch their confused or disbelieving faces as she cuts herself open, before she’s had a chance to heal, to explain what had happened in her country? How many times must she hear I had no idea from colleagues who should be smart enough to know basic international history?

Ventress meets her gaze. She nods at Ventress, who gives an almost imperceptible nod back.

“In the United States,” Ventress continues, “there are five hundred and seventy-four federally-recognized tribes. Others are state-recognized, and others still don’t have recognition at all. That means that the United States has committed genocide at least 574 times. In many cases, that genocide continues.”

She moves to the next slide, moving across the raised platform, from one side of the lectern to the other.

“In Canada, a several-hundred page report published five years ago acknowledged that the federal government had committed genocide and was continuing to commit genocide against its Indigenous peoples. The report included recommendations for reconciliation, but most of those recommendations were ignored.”

As Ventress pauses for a moment, it’s so quiet in the lecture hall that Satine can hear a colleague behind her taking notes.

“Genocide, of course, is not the focus of my research. But I bring this up to provide context. Beyond the structural violence that Indigenous peoples on Turtle Island face, there is significant physical and direct violence that we must survive every day. And for many of us, it is about merely surviving. This is often not a life in which Indigenous people can thrive.” She transitions to the next slide. “My work focuses on predicting locations of violence against Indigenous peoples so that each tribal community or village can protect itself, its people, and its sovereignty. I map so-called ‘man camps’ - transient camps of mostly male contract workers, building infrastructure like pipelines in rural locations. These man camps are associated with increased violence against Indigenous people, and Indigenous women in particular.”

Over the course of the next hour, Ventress details her methods and showcases the maps she’s created. Satine isn’t an expert in GIS - geographic information systems - by any means, but Ventress’ work is clearly, beyond any shadow of a doubt, exceptional. The content is triggering and hard for Satine to listen to, but Satine doesn’t for a moment think to leave.

Satine knows she’s a guest on these lands. This is the least she can do to honor the original caretakers.

It seems like she blinks and the lecture is over, with another round of applause. Satine remains seated as her companions rise to leave, and Ben glances her way, his expression telling her he knows the lecture must have been a difficult one for her to hear.

“Go on,” says Satine. “I’ll meet you in your office.”

He nods, and he and Vos follow the others up the stairs and out the door of the lecture hall. Satine stands and steps up to the lectern.

“Your talk was excellent,” Satine begins, and Ventress looks at her as she logs out of the computer. “It made me very grateful you decided to befriend me instead of declare me your enemy the day I arrived. The latter probably would have been easier to do, especially since our fields overlap slightly.”

Ventress grins at this. “I don’t start fights,” she says. “I only end them.”

Satine laughs deeply.

Ventress tucks her thumb drive into her pocket. “Listen, Satine,” she begins. “There’s an Indigenous artist market being held at the National Museum of the American Indian over Spring Break. Want to check it out?”

“I’d like that,” says Satine, nodding, and she follows Asajj up the stairs.

---

The next week moves too quickly for Satine’s liking. She blinks and Spring Break has arrived, and Ben has boarded a plane out of the District.

She’s proud of him for facing his grief. But she’s also not particularly looking forward to the time apart. They’ve been alternating spending the night at each other’s places, taking a load of things from her place to his every time they head to Old Town so that the eventual move is less overwhelming. She’s taken over a section of his closet and half of his dresser. She has a phone charger on her side of his bed.

So, naturally, her bed feels empty without him beside her.

Satine rolls over in the dark. Before Ben had left for the Metro to take him to the airport, he’d kissed her deeply and pressed a small metal object into her palm.

Taken aback, Satine had examined the key.

“The place will be half yours in two months,” Ben had reminded her. “So my spare key really isn’t all that much of a spare now, is it?”

“You just want someone to water your plants while you’re gone,” she’d quipped, and she held onto the way he laughed like it was a lifeline.

Now, Satine throws back the covers and stands, making her way over to her desk, where she grabs the sweater she’d stolen from him the night he’d first held her, the first time she’d cried in front of him in years. She slips it over her head and pads back to bed.

The smell of him is faint, but it’s still there. Pulling the duvet back over her, she succumbs to sleep.

---

On Monday afternoon, Satine takes two buses toward Capitol Hill. She’s finally put away her peacoat for the season, switching to a navy trench coat. The District seems to support this decision - peak cherry blossoms line the sides of the bus route, welcoming spring at last. Satine pulls the stop request cord, thanks the driver, and jumps off the bus outside of the museum on the National Mall.

The uniqueness of the National Museum of the American Indian's profile is immediately apparent, and the buff- and golden-colored limestone reminds Satine of natural rock, which she’s sure is intentional. Her eyes follow the lines of the building as they curve into themselves, reminiscent of waves or perhaps wind. Her first thought is that the building looks peaceful.

She breathes out.

The next moment, she spots Asajj, who is sitting on one of the stone benches outside, partially hidden by the beginnings of wetland plants commencing their spring growth. Satine realizes that the gardens, too, must have been planted with deliberate care, each species chosen for specific reason.

Asajj, of course, notices her before she approaches. She stands as Satine nears her.

“Should have figured you’d prefer to wait outside,” says Satine. “You can take the arctic out of the girl but…”

Asajj chuckles. “High fifties is practically tropic for me, even if it’s still brisk for others.” They begin to walk toward the entrance. “But for you, as well, as I understand it?”

Satine holds the first door open for Asajj, and Asajj holds the next one for her. “True,” acknowledges Satine. “Norway would have kicked me out if I complained about the cold,” she says with a laugh.

They open their bags for security and proceed through the metal detectors, and Satine steps to the side to take in the interior of the museum. To the left is the information desk, and everything in front of them is wide open space, a multi-purpose area that Satine guesses is often used for performances or lectures. Today, it’s filled with artist booths. Though the market doesn’t start for another half hour, the area is already bustling as the artists finish setting up. 

Beyond the market is a massive set of stairs leading to different levels of the museum, each floor with various exhibits.

Asajj glances at Satine. “Want to get food first?”

“You read my mind,” says Satine, and they wander to the museum’s cafe. Mitsitam Cafe, Satine knows, is famous for using ingredients indigenous to the Americas. Satine orders a manoomin - wild rice - dish and sits with Asajj as they wait for their food.

Asajj suddenly looks at her. “Do you ever find yourself wanting to go back?” she asks. Her voice is soft but sure. “To Bosnia, that is. Not to Norway.”

Satine shrugs. “Yes, and no. Sometimes I think I do. But I think ultimately what I want is to go back to an idea that doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe it never existed.”

Asajj nods. “Before…”

“Yes,” says Satine. “Before the fighting. An idealized version of what I left.”

Asajj breathes out. “I never knew that version of my village,” she says. “But I heard about it. The Elders…some of them had parents or grandparents who had known it. Who had seen it. I wish I had.” She breathes in. “So I understand. It’s why I don’t go back, I think. I mourn what I never got to see.”

Their food is set before them, and they thank the server.

Satine takes her first bite of wild rice. “Maybe,” she says. “Maybe the work you’re doing will allow future generations to see it.”

Asajj looks off into the distance. “Perhaps,” she says. “If so, it would be worth it.”

---

The next morning, Satine goes to her usual spot in the library. Campus is empty, with most of the undergraduates and graduate students - and the faculty, for that matter - off on Spring Break. It’s a nice change of pace, though she admits to missing the chaos of a busy semester. It’s easier to get lost in.

Satine sets her jacket on the back of her chair and drops her bag at the work station, heading to the stacks in search of a text. When she gets to the call number, she frowns.

The book isn’t there, even though the online database had indicated it hadn’t currently been checked out.

“Looking for this?”

Satine feels her heart stop for a beat. She turns to face Derren Malek, who is holding up the book she’d been searching for in his tattoo-clad hand.

Satine doesn’t move.

The corner of Malek’s mouth turns up. “It’s been difficult trying to find you on your own since we last talked,” he says. “Your friends seem to have set up a system. Thought I’d take advantage of there being literally no one else in the library today.”

Satine swallows. “How closely have you been watching me?”

He’d known exactly where to find her. Had he followed her to this spot before? Had the presence of students been the only thing not stopping him from approaching her then? 

She curses herself, realizing her phone is back at the desk.

“Close enough,” says Malek. “Curious, isn’t it? You’ve had the undivided attention of two men this semester. Kenobi, of course, and myself. A madness shared by two, indeed.”

Satine clenches her jaw. Her thoughts drift to her and Ben’s conversation, back when he’s proposed their thought experiment.

“This is madness, though, you know,” she says.

“Folie à deux,” says Ben. “A madness shared by two.”

With a growing horror, she remembers the way the floorboards had creaked behind them.

“You were there,” says Satine. “That day.”

“The Secretary said you were smart,” says Malek. “I’ve come to have my doubts, however, considering how absolutely idiotic you’ve been when it comes to Kenobi.”

He steps toward her.

“Not that he’s been any smarter about you,” says Malek. “The Secretary has all the evidence he needs.”

Satine steps back.

“You’ve been recording us.”

“You made it easy.” He laughs. “The Secretary knew of your first weakness: your research. You’d do anything to protect it, and, thus, to protect your reputation to ensure your work can continue. But now we have an insurance policy. Because, as it turns out, the formidable Satine Kryze has not only one weakness but two. And the second happens to be Ben Kenobi.”

“Leave him out of this.”

“But you’ve brought him in! And that’s on you.”

Satine reaches out to steady herself against the stack of books beside her. “What do you want?” she hisses.

“To remind you,” says Malek. “You’re toeing the line. Accepting the invitation to speak in Paris in September puts you in a position to cross it. Depending on the contents of that speech.”

Satine glares at him. “The Secretary wants to see the speech before I give it.”

Malek laughs again. “Stupid girl. He wants to write the speech you will give.”

Satine shakes her head before thinking about it. “When hell freezes over.”

Malek reaches out to grab her elbow, gripping her tightly. Satine has to force herself to not gasp at the pain.

“Your career is not the only one at stake now,” Malek says. “You’re conspiring with Kenobi, a conspiracy that involves an arranged marriage while you’re applying for citizenship. I can’t imagine that’s something that USCIS will take kindly to hearing. Beyond the knock to Kenobi's academic reputation, that could doom him to an avalanche of legal troubles.”

He pulls her closer so that her body is flush against his, forcing the book into her hand.

“Toe the line, Ms. Kryze,” he hisses. “Your first step will be to ensure that Kenobi discerns nothing of this conversation. The second will be giving that speech in September exactly as the Secretary has prepared it.”

Ben’s name from his lips lights the fire that sparks the match, and Satine remembers her first few self-defense trainings. She considers what Ben, Asajj, and Quinlan have taught her.

Use what you have available.

Well, right now, what she has available is twofold: the element of surprise, and the book she’s holding with a death grip.

So Satine pushes the book upward with all her might, feeling it collide with Malek’s face and hearing the telltale sound of delicate bones crunching. She jumps back and races toward the staircase, grabbing her bag and stuffing her jacket and the book - now bloodied - inside while never breaking stride. Once she’s out of the library, she runs to the nearest bus stop and joins the line boarding the bus that has just arrived, checking over her shoulder to make sure Malek hasn’t followed her. She holds her bag to her chest as she finds a seat, trying to figure out where she's headed.

Mercifully, the route takes her toward her home, and Satine jumps off the bus only a few blocks away. Still checking behind her, she speed-walks to her condo.

She holds her composure until she's inside, shutting the door behind her and bolting the lock. 

Then Satine doubles over, wincing, finally letting herself vocalize her discomfort. But instead of picking herself up, she sinks to the floor, breathing heavily, dropping her bag to the ground.

Then she dials 911.

The dispatcher assures her a uniformed Georgetown University police officer is on their way and will arrive at her home within minutes. But as soon as Satine hangs up, doubt begins to seep in, and she hesitates.

Should she have made that call? Would it have been better not to report it?

She hesitates. The force with which Malek had gripped her elbow would no doubt leave bruises. It was technically assault, and she’d been justified in her response, knowing that it was possible he could become more aggressive. She knows his history.

But she also knows how these types of cases usually end, why women don’t bother reporting abusers. She knows the statistics, the numbers of women who make reports to police but who aren’t taken seriously. More than that, reporting Malek is likely to lead to retaliation from him - or, even worse - the Secretary. 

Had she just crossed that line that Malek had warned her about? Had she just ordered her own deportation with that phone call? And why hadn’t she waited for a clearer head before making the call?

In shock, she waits for the squad car to arrive.

Five minutes pass, and then five more. After half an hour without hearing sirens, Satine crawls from her place on the floor to the couch, forced to reckon with the reality that help isn't on its way.

She’d heard stories of the American law enforcement system. She can hazard a guess as to why the police haven’t arrived.

So she calls Asajj.

Fifteen minutes later, Satine opens her door to Asajj and Quinlan on her porch.

“Tell me everything,” says Asajj, stepping past her.

Satine rolls up her sleeve and reveals the purple bruises near her elbow as Quinlan shuts the door behind them and locks it. Asajj reaches out to take her forearm, studying it. 

Then she puts an arm around Satine’s shoulders and guides her to sit back down on the couch. “Call Kenobi,” she says to Quinlan, who reaches for his phone and steps into the kitchen.

“Malek followed me to the library,” says Satine. “It was the same threat he gave before. A reminder.”

Asajj looks at her with discerning eyes. “You didn’t call the cops because you’re worried that will make him escalate this threat further.”

Satine bites her lip. “I did call the cops. They never showed up, and it’s been almost an hour.”

Asajj lets out a sharp breath. “Judging by your tone, you don’t think it’s just because they triaged you to the bottom of the list.”

“No,” Satine agrees.

Asajj sighs. “There’s blood on your blouse,” she points out.

Satine looks down and notices she’s right.

“I’m assuming you managed to land one on Malek?”

Satine nods.

“Good,” says Asajj. “Did you break his nose?”

“Probably,” admits Satine.

“Even better. Look, if you’re right about the reason the cops didn’t come, you don’t need to worry about Malek reporting you for punching him. He won’t want to draw attention to it - because he won’t be able to explain his injuries without explaining what provoked you. But just in case…we need to take pictures of the bruising. And since I don’t see blood all over your knuckles, I’m assuming you struck him with something else? A library book? I’ll get Vos to see if he can find it after he finishes talking with Kenobi. Anything that leads credence to your story, if the cops eventually do decide to do their job and investigate.”

“No need for Quinlan to go anywhere,” says Satine. “I have the book. In my bag.”

The first traces of a smile cross Asajj’s face. “You didn’t check it out? You rebel.”

Satine lets out a half-laugh, half-sob, and Asajj grabs the throw blanket from the back of the couch to toss around Satine’s shoulders.

“You’re too cold,” Asajj says. “You're coming down from an adrenaline high.” She moves to the thermostat to increase the temperature, then sits down next to Satine.

Quinlan emerges from the kitchen at that moment. “Kenobi’s headed back,” he says, and Asajj fills him in on what Satine has told her.

He cracks his knuckles. “We’re going to need to establish a schedule,” he says to Asajj, who nods.

“A schedule?” asks Satine.

"Like keeping watch,” Asajj says. “We’ll take turns. You shouldn’t go anywhere alone - on campus in particular - for a while. And Kenobi’s about to become your shadow, so you should prepare yourself.”

Quinlan takes a few steps into the living room. Into the silence, he says, “There’s a flight out of Madison in two hours. Lands in DC this afternoon. We’ll stay with you until he gets here.” He holds out his hand to Satine, and she realizes he’s holding a couple CBD gummies. “Kenobi told me which cabinet you kept them in; he figured you could use them.”

Satine takes the gummies gratefully. “Thanks,” she murmurs.

“He’ll text once he’s checked in at the airport,” Quinlan says. “I’m going to get some lunch for us. Any requests?”

“Something warm,” says Asajj, and Satine realizes she’s shivering.

Quinlan nods and slips out the front door. Asajj stands to lock it behind him, and then she moves toward Satine. “I’m going to grab you a different shirt,” she says. “Is that alright?”

Satine nods, not even really registering the question.

She’s vaguely aware of Asajj leaving the living room, less so of her coming back in with Satine’s sleep shirt. Satine lets her friend lead her toward the washroom, and Asajj steps out as Satine changes into the other top. Satine drops the blood-stained blouse to the floor like it’s on fire.

She follows Asajj back to the couch wordlessly, and they both sit together. Asajj turns on the television to something mindless.

By the time Quinlan returns with steaming bowls of pho, the CBD has clearly started taking effect. Satine manages to get down most of the pho, and she sets the empty takeout styrofoam on the coffee table.

And then she sinks back into the couch cushions and into blissful oblivion.

[evaglass]

Adding More Backstory to Tang Shen

I wish 2012 had told us more about Tang Shen. Not much was told except that she was born in Fukuoka, was 1/4th Chinese, and was a woman both Splinter and Shredder were in love with.

Also, there's a line Shen says at one point, which involves her saying, "I can take care of myself; I've always have." Giving the idea, she grew up in tough circumstances. We never hear anything about her parents, if she was orphaned or not. We know her grandparents were present in her life, and I looked up information about the city of Fukuoka, which is stated to be a fairly safe place. I wish that line was explored more, but it just feels like the writers put it there for some brief moment of angst.

There was also a bit of writing inconsistencies. In season one, episode 26, there are these lines of dialogue I got from the episode's transcript when Splinter and Shredder are fighting

But then, in season 3, in the Tale of the Yokai episode, there's this scene

Yeahh, I believe I found a way to explain this in my rewrite of 2012, but for now, I want to talk about my rewrite of Shen.

I was thinking of making Shen a Taiwanese woman of 100% Chinese descent. She was really close to her father, but unfortunately, he died when she was still a child.

Shen's mother raised her and Shen's younger sister as a single mother with the help of Shen's older brother, who stepped up to provide for his family after their father died.

Shen was a very studious and hardworking young lady, but also a little bit rebellious as she was very set on the choices she made for herself, whether her mother approved or not.

She got accepted to Cambridge University, where she majored in history and minored in linguistics, as she had a passion for history like her father, and wanted to become a historian.

After she graduated from her undergraduate program, she entered her PhD. program for history, where in the last few years of said program, she worked part-time on her dissertation while also working as an English teacher in Japan.

During her time in Japan, she met Shredder and Splinter. Shen met Shredder first; they became friends, and soon both developed feelings for each other. When Shen tried to make a move, Shredder rejected it, as he wanted to focus on the future of the Hamato Clan and gain the approval of his adoptive father, Hamato Yuuta; he also wanted to respect her dream of becoming a historian, and not distract her from it. Shen was embarrassed but respected his decision and agreed just to be friends.

Shen and Splinter don't get together until a little bit later. Actually, when they first met, they didn't like each other at all as their first impression of each other wasn't great. However, they, of course, do come to respect each other after Splinter helped Shen when her car broke down at the side of the road. Shen and Splinter later become friends and then develop feelings for each other, which surprised both of them, especially Shen, as Splinter was someone she did not expect.

I like to think that as they spent more time together, Shen felt more comfortable talking about her passion and also introduced Splinter about the history of the Renaissance Painters.

She does graduate from her PhD. program, but also accidentally gets pregnant because the portrait Splinter has looked like a wedding photo.

I also thought about how Shen was able to find out about how brutal the war between the Hamato and Foot Clan before Splinter does, seeing how it involved the never-ending cycle of revenge. Finding that out, Tang Shen never wanted her daughter to get involved with ninjitsu.

Look at the way Shen looks at her baby daughter; she would've done anything for her.

She wanted Karai to have a normal life, and that's staying in my rewrite, but I also want to explain why she would push Splinter to leave ninjitsu to go to New York with her to raise their daughter; the history between both clans would play a big part with that, as well as her love for Splinter, but also Shen would still be traumatized from losing her father at a young age, and didn't want her daughter growing up without her father.

But unfortunately, Shen dies. I'm keeping Shen's death the same way it happened in the show, but yeah, that was my rewrite. Let me know what you guys think.

[lurking-latinist]

re: these tags

THAT'S SO COOL AHHHH!! good for you aubreyad community stays winning

[introducing this with a disclaimer in case i'm wrong about everything: i am only halfway through the series rn (just about to finish 10) and also am but a mere undergrad classics major who has yet to even declare said major and I probably don't have the right to be yapping about propertius. nevertheless i shall.]

anyway i have been growing persistently more insane about diana's proximity to a Lot of classical imagery, like how her first appearance in post captain is literally during a fox hunt + all the gender stuff she has going, obviously linking her to mythological diana (and artemis if we're going to conflate the two) but your take has sent me in a whole new direction with that-- because she doesn't actually really embody the artemis archetype all too much overall (an emphasized character trait being that she's notably Not Chaste) EXCEPT in relation to stephen, w/ whom her relationship is much more brotherly than it is sensual i guess?

which would align very well with your idea of diana as elegiac puella-- sort of in a way being mythologized by stephen-- resulting in the reader actually being able to see two different manifestations of her character (one through the eyes of an omniscient prosaic narrator and one through the perspective of stephen as a "poet" figure). and i just think that's neat.

my latin class has also been looking at a few of propertius' love elegies and, at least to me, they read a lot like if stephen 1.) hated himself significantly less and 2.) were less indecisive in writing about his Feelings?? 1.8 (and all of the poems concerning cynthia moving/traveling away and propertius being all moody about it) is very reminiscent of the arc from post captain to the surgeon's mate imo. 1.12 is also Literally Him-- "cynthia prima fuit cynthia finis erit" can be compared to stephen's poetic catastrophizing about how his life is Literally Over and Love Is Dead when he believes to have fallen out of love with diana!?!? i'm going to lose my mind.

sorry for dumping all of this on you unprompted and also sorry for the fact that it probably does not make sense. peace and love

if undergrad classicists don't talk about propertius literally WHO WILL. (genuinely my currently-being-written phd dissertation chapter is based on an idea I had in the class I read propertius in freshman year. never feel like you're not a 'real scholar' or something yet, because you honestly never do become something different, you just keep reading and talking and this is what we do! there's nothing realer than this!)

oh wow that's really well put--we kind of get to see her from an omniscient-narrator perspective and through the eyes of her lover who is Not Being Normal About Her. very nice!

yeah I keep reading bits of propertius and being like "hmm is po'b going to quote this one I wonder." (he doesn't mostly but I keep thinking he should. because I want the aubreyad to be denser and less accessible I guess? :P) there's a lot of catullus woven in too of course - I associate Catullus 72 with the 'falling out of love' arc (my dude that is not what falling out of love looks like).

oh gosh yes 1.8 -- that was one of the things I was trying to describe to Distinguished Classicist, the way she's so -- what's the word I want? not volatile... she disappears. she's constantly Gone. you turn around and oops, she's eloped to Sweden. (honestly though if Cynthia and Propertius could manage to have *fake* revenge affairs that would actually be *great*, for them that would be an improvement.) Gareth Williams (in a chapter called, amazingly, "From Grave to Rave") describes Cynthia as "ever only elusively visible in the narratological mist" and I feel like that's a bit what's going on with Diana. For her there's a genre element as well--she's a woman in the Men Going to Sea books, and even though the Aubreyad gives way more time to women than the average Men Going to Sea book, the fact is the camera frequently simply isn't on her. We see far more of Stephen thinking about her, hearing rumors, etc. than we do of her actually being on the page. Now in elegy nobody seems to be quite fully on the page, we only get "fragments of story" as Genevieve Liveley and Patricia Salzmann-Mitchell say (excellent collection by that name btw, I recommend checking it out if you're at all interested in narrative and lyric/elegy). But Diana manages this while being in a novel, which is impressive to me.

yeah stephen as a character is a lot more... self-reflective? than propertius' speaker. for one thing he's in a novel, I think, so he can actually... have a series of contiguous experiences. he's also a compulsive diarist which is helpful for self-reflection I guess. and more mature, like, as a human being, than propertius' speaker, who apparently does nothing with his life except be in love and write poetry, he doesn't exist outside of as a poetic voice whereas, again, stephen benefits from a third-person narrator and has medicine and spying to do and so on. also he's Catholic.

I love the "Catullus-and-water" line, it's like O'Brian just put in a little wink to those of us who would notice this, like, "yes I am doing this on purpose." All in all I've pretty much defaulted to assuming that O'Brian is doing things on purpose. although he did forget Babbington's first name that one time and retconned it very awkwardly

[lady-of-ithilien]

For the writing ask game!

11. what’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? also, how much do you worry about doing research in general?

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

Yay, thank you for the questions!! :) Sorry for the slower reply, I was out in the backcountry the last few days and am just now catching up on messages! 11. what’s something neat you’ve learned while doing research for something you were writing? also, how much do you worry about doing research in general? I'll answer the second part of this question first because I think it sets up my answer to the first part. How much do I worry about research in general? A lot. Probably way more than I ought to. I'm a grad student, and in grad school we do something called "quals" or "qualifying exams" where basically before you're allowed to go forth and do your dissertation, you undergo a three hour oral exam where you have to prove that you've read all the literature that pertains to your project and that your project is worthwhile in the context of that literature. It's stressful and really brought on the impostor syndrome for me, and I think unfortunately I feel a bit of a similar tendency when it comes to writing fic, especially in the Tolkien fandom because there is so much to know. I sometimes feel like I ought to be able to pass some sort of Tolkien fanfic writing qualifying exam before I can feel confident in writing and contributing to this community. Of course, I know that is anxiety talking, so I try not to listen to those thoughts in their entirety, but as an academic, I still feel a strong urge to really research everything I'm writing about and ensure that it is canon compliant and logically sound.

This brings me to my answer to the second part of that question, which is a slightly silly one but for Chapter 5 and 6 of my current WIP, there are scenes where Faramir and Éowyn separately look outside at night, and I got really down a rabbit hole of figuring out what phase of the moon and what constellations would be visible on the evening of March 20 TA3019. I was prepared to ctrl F "moon" in my LOTR PDF and try to trace it out myself, but I was spared from doing that by some wonderful redditor who had already taken the time to detail the phases of the moon for all of TA3018 and 3019. I thought that was a very neat thing for someone to have done, so major props to that anonymous person on the internet, and I learned that I am not the only one who is preoccupied with tracking fictional celestial events.

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most? Another great question! I think I am still developing my style, but a few major influences (aside from Tolkien himself, obviously) would be Hala Alyan and Mary Oliver's poetry. Hala Alyan is a Palestinian-American author who writes contemporary fiction about families navigating diaspora and displacement in the Middle East. I love the emotional intimacy and psychological depth that she writes for each of her characters; her characters have such believable flaws and strengths and experiences. When I finish one of her novels, I feel almost like her characters are real people whom I have gotten to know. I aspire to write as real and convincing characters as she does.

Meanwhile, Mary Oliver's poetry is also a huge influence to me, although perhaps in a way that is less easy to articulate. I just love the way that Oliver writes about nature and life and hope. I know her poetry speaks to many, many people, and I am no exception. I hope to be able to infuse my writing with that same sense of hope and fortitude; as well as with that reverence for natural world.

Thank you so much again for this ask! I greatly enjoyed responding to these.

[whinlatter]

i MUST hear your thoughts on "im your man" by mitski and how it's the ginny/harry/sirius trio anthem in "beasts"...must hear

what have you done asking me about this...... a great and terrible mistake........ the air is thick with sirens...........

basically i'm your man is an absolutely perfect song about feeling unworthy and undeserving of the love someone gives you, and a feeling of great dread that one day the other person will realise it and leave. it is - for this reason - so eye-wateringly ginny-sirius-harry coded i simply cannot bear it. that whole album (the land is inhospitable and so are we) is heaven and there are so many songs on it that have been absolutely dynamite for getting the juices flowing with this fic (the frost and star are my hinny anthems for chapter 12  👀)

so i am taking a short dissertation writing break to offer an entirely unhinged rant about i'm your man complete with some mild beasts spoilers because apparently i care a lot about this inexplicably. thank you so much for humouring me!

you're an angel, i'm a dog or you're a dog and i'm your man you believe me like a god i'll destroy you like i am

the first verse plays with the idea that there are three tiers of being - dog, man, angel/god - that all exist in relation to each other. the narrator sings the song to put themselves down. you're an angel, i'm a dog - meaning, i'm lowly nothing compared to your pure divine greatness. in the next line, a twist and advance on that idea: you're a dog (faithful, honest, loyal, loving easily and with such trust) and i'm your man (the one who is responsible for you, who you look to protect and sustain you, who is unworthy of that kind of adoration). you believe me like a god - you trust and believe in my power and ability to take care of you and guide you. but then: i'll destroy you like i am - the only real godlike power the narrator identifies with is the capacity for destruction and ruin.

ok partly it's... you know....... the dog thing because i am very on-the-nose. (obviously sirius as padfoot, but also the distinctions in the wizarding world between beings as the moral civilised entities vs the beasts, the wild and lawless and violent magical creatures). but it's also this suggestion of hero worship and adoration from one character to another, and the object of that kind of love struggling to feel worthy of it and fearing the power it has given them over the other person. it's such a huge vibe for how i'm thinking about these characters !! i feel like it works both for harry and sirius' relationship as well as harry and ginny's: the love and reverence harry has for sirius, when sirius is filled with so much self-loathing and guilt and awareness of his own failings as a parent figure, and the way harry comes to love ginny and think of her as this pure singular light and symbol of all his hopes for a bright and good future, which (i think!) would be a lot for ginny to take on and live up to and feel deserving of. there's even shades of it in how i imagine ginny feels about sirius in the flashbacks - little ginny looking up to sirius like he's a god, hanging off his every word, sirius backing away from being responsible for this child's admiration and desire for guidance from him.

i'm sorry i'm the one you love no one will ever love me like you again so when you leave me, i should die i deserve it, don't i

i mean this is a pure sirius verse imo also with such harry shades to it ('i deserve it don't i' pure ootp harry angst). but i see some of ginny in this too ('i'm sorry i'm the one you love' - her wish that she could just be such cool and chill and easy and trying to live up to this idea harry sometimes as of her as so strong and stoic and able to deal with things, and then her feelings when all that comes crumbling down....)

i can feel it getting near like flashlights coming down the way one day you'll figure me out i'll meet judgment by the hounds

the feeling of being hunted! sirius and harry as wanted men! ginny getting found out and caught in her secrets and half-lies! 'i'll meet judgement by the hounds' god. god

people always gave me love others were never to blame after all you believe me like a god i'll betray you like a man

i think of this verse as the sirius and ginny verse. here the narrator locates the source of their unworthiness internally, not in being deprived of love by others, but in something fundamentally broken and tainted inside them. sirius as a character can't blame a total absence of love for what he's become - he was loved, he blames no-one but himself for the loathing he feels for himself. ginny, too, could not have been more loved, both before the TMR ordeal, but also thereafter - she comes from a family that adores her, she is widely liked and admired; but still, there's something missing in her sense of self. i do not wish to spoil future chapters but yeah this is bit is a Big Mood as we come closer to understanding ginny's war and what it asked of her

in chapters 10 and 11 of beasts, i started to play with this idea of the traitor, of a person who has made a great and terrible choice to betray the people close to them and in doing so revealed a true self that was there all along but lay dormant. so far in the fic, i've tried to thread in a lil drip-drip-drip of questions about the self, who a person really ever is, and about the choices characters make because of their sense of who they are, especially moral choices, in a war and under a regime that must, ethically, be resisted.

of sirius, harry, and ginny, so far it's sirius who knows most about what it is to be a traitor: someone who spent the bulk of his life assumed to be a turncoat, who is consumed by his hatred of wormtail and the memory of his treachery, who can't even begin to grasp the layers and dimensions to his own brother's betrayal, and who fundamentally still thinks of himself as a traitor to his best mate, believing himself to having 'as good as' killed lily and james. harry is the one who's full of trust, throughout the war:

'“No,” Harry said out loud, and they all looked at him, surprised. The firewhisky seemed to have amplified his voice. “I mean . . . if somebody made a mistake,” Harry went on, “and let something slip, I know they didn’t mean to do it. It’s not their fault,” he repeated, again a little louder than he would usually have spoken. “We’ve got to trust each other. I trust all of you, I don’t think anyone in this room would ever sell me to Voldemort."'

“No, I think you’re like James,” said Lupin, “who would have regarded it as the height of dishonour to mistrust his friends.” Harry knew what Lupin was getting at: that his father had been betrayed by his friend, Peter Pettigrew. He felt irrationally angry. He wanted to argue, but Lupin had turned away from him...'

ginny, of course, knows what it is to be betrayed - by her first real friend, by her own brother. but i just think these two final lines, the twist on the first verse, are such a huge huge mood for drawing some of these ideas to the surface as the plot inches (v slowly lol) forwards - the idea of a character who has had every faith put in them by someone who loves and believes in them, who fears that they wll buckle under the weight of it and betray that love and trust in terrible ways. to betray you like a man - for the great moral sin to be something inherent to no other creature or being but man - is just such a powerful cool as shit line that is really gettin me going for writing the next bit of this fic.

wow i didn't even know how much i cared about this song but turns out it's a lot???? troubling for me!

[redwineconversation]

Coroner's Report (Olympique Lyonnais 2024 - 2025 postseason review)

In which a joke about writing a dissertation on Lyon's season ended up actually happening.

Not quite how I thought the season would go, but let's chat regardless. Pour yourself a nice glass of wine and let's work our way through things. Putting it under a read more because when has a coroner's report ever been brief?

Joe Montemurro

I actually like him and I think he's a good coach and, for the most part, pretty sound tactically. I think there's a lot of mock outrage surrounding him, much like there is with Lindsey Heaps, and that's something I will get more in depth with.

For all the screaming about how he "destroyed" Lyon this season, the reality is, he didn't. Barring maybe a handful of games, Lyon was playing well. The defense was crisp, the finishing got better, there was ball movement. And the players looked much happier under him that they did under Sonia Bompastor or even Jean-Luc Vasseur.

Maybe people just weren't around when things were really bad, but from a play point of view, this team wasn't the disaster so many on Twitter claim they were. They weren't always great, sure, but they weren't bad. In fact, they were actually pretty good most of the time.

Now it must be said that Montemurro definitely had his preferred players and preferred starting 11, and I think some of the outrage comes from said preferences. It's easy to dislike a coach when the premise is he is playing this player and not playing that player. So it really does feel that a lot of vitriol comes more from him playing a player someone really dislikes and as such not playing their favourite player. But it's so performative at best. Montemurro coached Lyon into having one of their best defensive stats in years. The offense was good. Those are actual statistics. So acting like he is terrible, threatening to "hang him by his eyelids" - for what? Because he started a player you didn't like? You can't be the worse coach in history and have those stats throughout the season.

He was good - not great - about player rotation. I would argue Damaris was probably overplayed, especially when Dabritz is more than capable of playing as a No. 6, but it could also be down to there being no other natural DM other than Damaris. Why we haven't gotten a genuine backup yet is beyond me and needs to be addressed this summer. More on that later. But I think you could argue that while he had his preferred players, there was still a fair amount of rotation. Carpenter wasn't run into this ground this season in large part because Huerta, who is more suited to the RB position than Sombath despite what the armchair analysts opine on Twitter, was capable of stepping in. Marozsan was overplayed in that she physically cannot run for 90 minutes, be it in September or May.

Did I always agree with Montemurro's coaching decisions? No. Do I think some players deserved to be benched? You bet. Did I always like his starting lineup? Hell no. You can disagree with and dislike a coach's decisions while still understanding the lineups aren't a slight towards you. It really, really frustrated me when people on Twitter were screaming about how he was "disrespecting" Hegerberg and/or Marozsan and/or whomever else by not playing them as much. The reality of the situation is coaches have access to the players' health data and we don't. If Hegerberg wasn't playing 90 minutes every single game, maybe it's because she wasn't physically fit to do so. There is a difference between a coach being bad because the tactics aren't there and a coach being bad simply because he is not playing your favorite player.

I wouldn't have headed for the fainting couch if he saw out his contract but realistically he was always going to go after the humiliating loss against Arsenal - and it was that, a humiliation. I don't think he was the sole reason we lost that game, lord knows Vanessa Gilles' performance (or maybe lack of) is the main contributing factor, but as coach, he has to take responsibility for the good and the bad.

And that loss wasn't just bad, it was catastrophic.

Going out in the first round of the Coupe de France was bad, and I think that was probably the only "grace" Kang was willing to afford him. Going out in the UWCL in that manner and at home, he was never going to see out his contract. In the real professional world you would be fired for failing to reach your business objectives, this is no different. So, did I want him fired? Not really. Do I think he should have been? Yes. You simply cannot have that kind of performance in a UWCL semifinal and have there be no consequences. That's not how professional teams are run.

Since I think he was good, and it wasn't a case like with Bompastor where the locker room was lost almost a year prior, I reserve the right to be anxious about who the replacement will be. For the record, I don't think it's Jocelyn Precheur because I don't think Kang will change the coaching staff of a newly promoted team (London City), something confirmed by L'Equipe. Likewise, I genuinely doubt Giraldez transferring to Lyon would ever happen albeit for different reasons.

Goalkeepers

Endler's performance in the second leg of the UWCL semi final Arsenal outweighs any good saves this season. If we're going to hold players accountable, Endler needs to be on the list. She should have done better. You can't make an argument that you're one of the best goalkeepers in the world and promptly let in four goals, one of which was an own goal. Yes, Lyon had a good run in the UWCL when it came to clean sheets. Yes, the number of goals conceded in league play were minimal. There were good moments, sure, but there was a really bad one too, and we need to acknowledge that.

Part of it could come from the Goalkeeper Dilemma Lyon has. Endler knows that as long as she is there and healthy, she is the starting goalkeeper. The second goalkeeper plays in case of injury or injury prevention, and depending on the coach, rotation. She knows there is no real competition. Her spot is safe barring very specific circumstances. She also knows that realistically, no top goalkeeper is going to play second fiddle. Whomever Lyon brings in isn't going to be a threat to her starting spot. And that's how you become complacent.

And that leads up to Benkarth. I don't blame her for leaving, I don't. She knew the deal when she came in and basically got paid to sit on the bench for a couple of years. I would have left too. She didn't get enough play because of Lyon's policy with Endler, as such when she did get playing time, there was always a noticeable lack of confidence. A disappointing signing, sure, but not entirely a fault of her own making.

Defense

Has there ever been a quicker hero to villain arc than that of Vanessa Gilles? I've never seen a player lose fan support so quickly (90 minutes) and with the absolute certainty that she will never, ever get it back. It's a shame. Twitter armchair analysts like to shit on Lyon's defense, which is weird because they did have the best defense in the league and in the UWCL (or at least did up to the semifinals). And we have to acknowledge Gilles was a part of that. So I'm not saying Gilles is a bad defender because she's not. I genuinely believe that Bayern is getting a really good deal by signing her. She's a good player and a good person. I'm not denying any of that. I am saying however that the kind of mistake she made against Arsenal is unforgivable.

But it's also kind of easy to understand why Gilles was in that (lack of?) head space. She's been with the club for three years, she's been playing really well for them. Everyone was expecting Lyon to extend her at the beginning of the season so I get why Lyon turning around and buying Tarciane and giving the Brazilian a ridiculous amount of money considering her complete and utter lack of experience must have been a real slap in the face. It's hard when you realize someone doesn't love you the same way you love them. But Gilles is a professional, and she should have been able to separate the personal from the professional. The fact that she didn't, that's what's really hard to get over.

Renard being extended is good, but the bulk of the experience in the backline should not be on Renard alone, especially since she is 34 and also injury prone. There is a fundamental need to recruit an experienced center back. If something happens to Renard before an important game, we cannot be relying on a center back pairing where the oldest player is 21 years old.

There are definite causes of concern for Tarciane so let's go over them. First, she's slow. That wouldn't be an issue except that Renard is slow and Damaris is slow. The central alignment of Lyon is not speedy. That can and will be an issue down the road. Second, she's physical, which normally I would be very supportive of, but what she is not is composed. It feels like every time she plays she picks up a yellow card, and it's not like she's been playing against overly physical teams. Imagine what will happen if she has start against PSG, or maybe even Paris FC or Fleury - teams who won't hesitate to get scrappy and will look for any excuse to get an opponent carded. Tarciane is a red card waiting to happen and there is a very high likelihood that red card is going to come in a high stakes game. She was brought in to replace an experienced defender, it's up to her to live up to the same standards. Patience does not excuse losing.

It's been hard to get a good read on Nelhage. I wasn't at all impressed with her against Le Havre but didn't exactly recoil with horror when she played in a couple of other games. Like with Tarciane, there is a very high ceiling she has to reach and little grace to reach it.

I have reservations about Sombath. She's a good defender, that goes without saying. But her lack of height is an issue. She doesn't have the physical presence to defend on corners or free kicks. It still bothers me that someone tried to excuse her lack of height with "well she has good footwork". That isn't going to matter when you are surrounded by forwards who have a good 10 - 15 cms on you. It is inevitable that the opposing teams will be awarded a free kick or a corner. We will be down a defender with Sombath. While she can play RB, that is not her natural position. Eventually players playing out of position get exposed. We saw it when she was covering for Carpenter during Lyon's 2022 - 2023 injury crisis. Why are we to believe that will change?

Speaking of Carpenter... Let's get 300 takeout coffees and then discuss if she's a lying traitor. Look, my opinion on player-player relationships is well documented, it hasn't changed. I think if she leaves it will be a mistake, both for her and for the quite frankly absurd idea that N'Dongala would be a good replacement. More on that in a later section, as well as the social media abuse she cops from certain individuals. Anyway, let's chat.

It's hard to properly dissect her season's performance because in terms of statistics, she's decent. It's far from the alleged disaster performance that the likes of certain Twitter trolls like to allege game after game. I think that Huerta did Carpenter a lot of good. According to statistics, Carpenter actually played more this season than she did the previous one. Originally I thought it was because she was getting more rest, but I think it's also because Huerta was there. There was an element of complacency in earlier seasons because realistically, Sombath was not a threat to her position as, and it must be repeated, Sombath is not a right back by nature. Huerta was, and it forced Carpenter to be better. Her chemistry with Diani was really good this season. I think that if we're being honest with ourselves, part of Diani's success this season is because they played off each other so well. While her cross accuracy is never going to be 100 percent - none of Lyon's RBs have ever been great at crosses, for some reason there is some selective memories going on there - I think it has improved.

There was some super weird pearl clutching after the Dijon game where someone was outraged that Carpenter had gotten forward more this season than Bacha had, which may be news to Bacha considering she has delivered several assist this season. Let's discuss things a bit more. She didn't play a full season, so her numbers are always going to be a bit on the lower side. She also had to deal with Chawinga throughout most of the season and if Carpenter and Diani showed what a pairing looks like when it works well, Bacha and Chawinga showed us what it looks like when it doesn't. There wasn't that same fluidity as in previous seasons because Bacha and Chawinga have completely different styles of play. Likewise, there isn't the same innate chemistry between Bacha and Dumornay as there is between Bacha and Hegerberg. Will it come with time? Hard to say. Bacha and Hegerberg had years together, the chemistry was built over time. It combusts with Chawinga and there is displacement with Dumornay.

Could anyone have predicted Svava's arc this season? The absolute head loss when she signed was something else. I admit I was guilty of that. There was just such a complete meltdown from Lyon fans when the club announced they were signing a bench player from Real Madrid. Then Bacha announced her operation and how long she would be out for and I firmly believe the heightened blood pressure from everyone would have delighted every medical expert. But you know, we were all humbled extremely quickly. Bacha is a better player, sure, but there is no noticeable drop in quality when Svava is on the field. A pure no-nonsense player, she keeps her head down, does her job, and doesn't color outside the lines. She is probably one of the better signings Lyon has done in years. Who would have thought that the bench player from Real Madrid would be the most successful signing of the season?

And that leaves us with Huerta. As with Svava, she is a no-nonsense, quiet defender who just kept her head down and did her job. I wish we could extend her loan though realistically that's not going to happen. But she was good for Lyon, good for Carpenter. This is the type of player Lyon needs: someone who can step up but doesn't have a burning innate desire to be the center of attention while doing so. I've always had a soft spot for quiet players. I think she will be one of the absences we will feel the most but it will take a while to kick in.

Midfield

I cannot stand how the Twitter armchair analysts have turned me into a Heaps defender. It's so annoying.

I cannot take any "criticism" of Heaps seriously because it is always done in such bad faith. It drives me up the wall. The argument "She's a Trump loving Republican" as an excuse to dislike her is so flawed on so many levels. Now, for the record, I do think that anyone who supports someone as repulsive as Trump in this day and age, or someone who supports the Republican Party in this day and age, is morally reprehensible. You cannot be both a good person, who has moral values and cares about the rights of others, and support Trump at the same time. Let's make that very, very clear. You cannot say in May 2025 that you are a good person if you also say Trump is a good president. And that's my bone to pick here. There is zero, absolutely zero, indication that the Heaps who openly supported Trump in November 2016 is the same one in May 2025. For starters, almost 10 years have gone past, and two, while I absolutely hate this argument, her closest friends are in the LGBT community. Your bridesmaid is typically not someone you also want dead.

With that out of the way, let's chat about her as a footballer, since that's another thing people like to pearl clutch about. Let’s see her contributions for the season: 13 goals/ 10 assists. Last goal was against Dijon in the playoffs, last assist was against PSG in the final of the playoffs. This is a player who, contrary to what certain Twitter like to say, does contribute to the game. Those are good numbers, especially considering she is a midfielder, not a forward.

There is genuine criticism for Heaps (I agree with the analysis that she is the type of player who chooses which games she wants to show up for and I agree she should be contributing more to the press) but Jesus. Fucking. Christ. The performative outrage. I cannot take these "fans" anymore, I just cannot. Heaps could exhale and they would be up in arms screaming that she is disrespecting people who are on oxygen. Heaps is a lot of things and not all of them are positive. But a dead weight is not one of them. A bad player is not one of them.

Let’s talk about Marozsan. Let’s talk about how she was given a second chance under Montemurro (is he still “disrespecting club legends” by playing her? I am not sure how this works, hopefully someone will explain it to me). In any case, Bompastor very clearly was pushing Marozsan out, which was one of the few decisions I agreed with her on, but Montemurro dusted her off and put her in the starting lineup. What did that give us? Seven (7) assists on the season, the last of which came against Paris FC in April. Zero goals scored, you have to go back to March 2024 for that.

She physically cannot go 90 minutes. This is not a question of whether she can do it in September, at the beginning of the season, or in May, at the end. She physically cannot do it. She physically cannot handle a press nor can she contribute to it. Does she have good vision, yes, but that is not good enough. Being a world class player from 2016 - 2020 doesn’t erase the fact she is miles below Lyon standards now. If we’re honest she should have gone years ago, but the club was too lax and afraid of making decisions regarding so-called club legends to cut her loose. I'm glad for her that Montemurro gave her a second chance (is he still a bad coach for that? It's so hard to make sense of their thought process), but we wasted a year because of it. Was Lyon really better for it because Marozsan was playing this season? If we're being honest with ourselves, the answer is no, not really.

It's hard to really get a read on Dabritz's season because I do maintain she was criminally underused, both under Bompastor and under Montemurro. A player of that caliber is wasted on the bench. I'm glad that she is moving on in that she deserved better than what Lyon gave her. I told someone that Dabritz is the kind of player that you don't always realize you wanted until they are gone. A quiet, no-nonsense player who just kept her head down and did her job, she is a player I will miss deeply. I truly do wish Lyon had treated her right and I sincerely hope she finds a team that does. Players like Dabritz don't come along very often. I will miss her professionalism, and her left foot, so very much.

I could talk about Damaris for hours and since this is my analysis/blog, I can do just that. It's so fascinating to me that there is so much performative outrage about Heaps when so much of the same "criticism" could be applied to Damaris. She is slow. She makes dumb mistakes. If we apply the literal definition of "not contributing", she scored one (1) goal this entire season (Carpenter, a RB, has scored more goals than Damaris, a DM). Her assists aren't much better with three on the season. Now, am I expecting a defensive midfielder to be banging in goals? Yes when they're as tall as Damaris and playing for a team like Lyon. She has height and her aerial game is good. She should be contributing much more to the offense.

I thought that Damaris also got in her head a lot more this season than she has in the past. It was particularly noticeable in the UWCL games, both in the group stage and in the knockouts. At that point, at this level, it's a genuine cause for concern. She's been in this situation enough times that she shouldn't be heading for the fainting couch every time something goes wrong or there is the slightest hint of a press.

I think that she needs competition. If Huerta made Carpenter better, I think - and hope - that if Engen comes, she will do the same for Damaris. I think Damaris is one of the players this season who has become guilty of complacency. There are expectations that come with playing for Lyon. It would be good for Damaris to be reminded that she is not the only one capable of living up to them.

Van de Donk: Stat wise, she was decent - neither good nor bad with seven goals and four assists. If we're going to nitpick we can argue her last contribution was back in February, but she was injured for some of the time since then. I feel like her absence is felt in that there is a noticeable lack of physicality when she isn't playing. Unlike a couple of other midfielders, she has no hesitation in getting in the opponent's face and will fight for a 50-50 ball. So there is contribution off the ball as well. Her physicality will be difficult to replace, and that's something Lyon will really have to address in terms of recruitment.

Look, my opinion on Majri is well documented. I think Lyon should have offloaded her years ago. It's not to say she hasn't contributed this season because she has (seven goals, six assists). I'm not above saying those are good contributions (see? It's possible to dislike a player and still give them credit). But she's on the older side, and if we're going to choose between a player who does struggle to make it through 90 minutes and also hates being on the bench versus a player like Brand, I think Lyon needs to make the practical choice. That being said, she's a 2026 contract, Le Progres floated her as a potential departure this summer. It would be a loss if we didn't get Brand, I don't think it would be catastrophic if Majri left. Much like with Marozsan, being a club legend doesn't mean that Lyon owes her a contract and playing time in perpetuity.

Benyahia: It's hard to really give a season review on Benyahia for two reasons: one, she was injured with severe TBI throughout most of it and two, she didn't play in any really important games. Can't accuse her of ghosting when she wasn't there to begin with. I absolutely hate the argument that she should have benched a combination of Heaps/van de Donk/even Dabritz because the reality is, we have no idea if Benyahia is capable of being a big game player. Lyon couldn't afford to gamble in those games. The argument of "well she had a standout season with Le Havre" overlooks the rather important factor that Le Havre is consistently a mid to bottom table team. It's not as if she benched a top player on a top team. Her lack of physicality is a cause for concern for me. It would not be that difficult to muscle her off the ball and she lacks van de Donk's aggressiveness in getting it back.

Forwards

Chawinga has to go. You can't be on that kind of salary and put up those kinds of performances. This is a business, not a charity. I'm sympathetic to the argument she had to get used to playing for Lyon but that doesn't excuse her lackluster performances. At 70,000/month, you cannot afford to have numbers that low (9 goals, seven assists). Those look okay as long as you don't compare her with her previous season at PSG (24 goals; 11 assists) or Inter Milan (23 goals, 7 assists). She's fast, and speed is important, but her lack of technique is flagrant. I'm not asking her to have the best footwork in the league or even on the team. But it's not unreasonable to ask her to have some. She struggles with defensive contributions.

Dumornay is a forward. She is welcome to open a bottle of Jack and split a fifth with Miedema and talk about how just because you want to play a certain position, doesn't mean you should. She might prefer to play in the midfield but that's not how it works at Lyon. You don't play where you prefer to be, you play where you're asked. That being said, as much as I rip into her, I will also acknowledge she is one of the players who contributed the most throughout the season (along with Heaps). Productivity matters. If you're playing up front, I expect you to score, and she did. While there has been improvement regarding being able to keep her composure, it's still an issue from time to time and does need to be worked on. Otherwise, a reliable player overall and will probably improve even more once she accepts she's not playing as a midfielder.

Hegerberg is a bit of a complicated case. She's extremely injury prone, but she's also such an important part of the locker room in terms of leadership. Lyon is better for it when she is around. But as I said with Montemurro, we don't have access to her health records and Lyon's coaching staff does. Occam's razor: Hegerberg played on limited minutes throughout the season to avoid any risk of serious injury, especially with the Euros coming up and Hegerberg being named captain. In her prime she could handle a physical match for 90 minutes but we don't know if that's still the case, and we don't know if Norway would be that happy about Lyon risking it with the Euros on the line. Her performance against Arsenal was not great to say the least. If Katoto comes and if Hegerberg stays healthy, it will be interesting to see how Hegerberg copes with a genuine threat to her position.

Here's the thing about Le Sommer: players like her don't come along every day. Renard teared up in the press conference when she was asked about Le Sommer and for good cause. I would too. Players like Le Sommer, you get them once and that's it. There won't be another player like her. There'll be other forwards, sure, other goal scorers. But players as complete as she is, a person as good as she is, they don't come along every day. Her technique and vision of the game, I really don't think people understand just how good she really is. Her professionalism is out of this world. Someone once said that Le Sommer's biggest crime was having played on the same team and at the same time as Hegerberg and I think that's true. Her numbers are insane but they're often overlooked because Lyon has another flashy goalscorer. But Lyon, without a doubt, will be a little worse off without her.

Diani was pretty decent stat wise (15 goals, 10 assists), almost identical to how she was last season. But I think her partnership with Carpenter was really good. Diani is a fast, technical player, and we've seen her grow into the role at Lyon. But as with Dumornay, there are times when she very obviously got into her head, and once that happened, she struggled to get back into the game. Would I have preferred her to be a little more clinical? Yes, but I acknowledge that comes from a place of greed. We know she can score more, but the numbers are decent so we can't really complain too much.

Becho has to go. I've been saying it for years and that's not going to change any time soon. I'm so, so sick of the argument "we just need to give her a chance to prove herself." She's been given opportunity after opportunity to prove herself. After a while, we need to come to an uncomfortable conclusion: her numbers are insufficient for an attacking player at Lyon. Being an academy player does not mean you get infinite chances, especially when the results have been obvious for a long time.

Academy Players

One of my favorite topics to complain about. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

I've said it before, I'm saying it now, and I will continue to say in the future: you cannot be both a development club and a UWCL contender. You simply cannot. In order to be competitive in the UWCL, in order to be a title contender, you need experienced players. You need players who have been there before, who know what it takes because they have already lived through it. They can handle pressure and expectations and adrenaline rushes because they have already been exposed to that.

Academy players by their very nature and definition have not.

The thing is, too, Lyon can't afford to fuck around and find out with academy players. Lyon is already at a massive disadvantage in terms of attendance - they're never going to sell out Groupama -, they're at a disadvantage in terms of how "attractive" the French league is in terms of media exposure, sponsorships, etc. The main thing Lyon has going for them is UWCL play and salaries. If you take the first one away, the second one will disappear too, and then Lyon will truly be handicapped in terms of recruitment.

What does that have to do with academy players? Quite a lot actually. I'm sure there are quite a few academy players who have potential. But it doesn't mean that every academy player is going to end up like Bacha or Cascarino. If we're being honest with ourselves - and I think we owe it to ourselves to be - players like Bacha and Cascarino, they don't come along every year. I'm not saying they're generational, but I am saying they're rare. Not every player is going to be a Selma Bacha or a Delphine Cascarino. They're just not.

And Lyon can't afford to wait around and find out if they will be or not. Lyon has to be focused on UWCL play because it's how they recruit top players. Lyon's pretty much sole guarantee as a team is UWCL play. If we take that away - if we shift the focus away from top players and focus more on players who may have potential, who might make it as a top player on a top team, then they're putting UWCL at risk. As a club, Lyon will not survive it. Not financially, not competitively.

Look, if this was the NWSL and everything starts from scratch the following season, sure. Blow off a season, fuck around and find out, see what happens with a defensive line of an average age of 21 and a midfield of an average age of 22. What's the worse that could happen? You finish mid to bottom of the league? Who cares, you go again the next season. You just wasted a year in the grand scheme of things but there were no real consequences. So why not fuck around and find out?

Lyon doesn't have that joker. Not with the way UWCL is structured, not with the way the league is structured. It would be absolutely catastrophic from a financial point of view if Lyon missed out on UWCL in its entirety, probably equally as much as if they grouped next season - which, with the anticipated exodus of experienced players to replaced by U-21s and under, is a real possibility. Who cares though, academy players deserve a right to show what they can do, even if it comes with financial consequences for the next several seasons.

If your passion lays purely with academy kids getting playing time, then there are other clubs whose primarily focus is just that: Stade de Reims might have been relegated but I am sure if you dig around hard enough there must be a dodgy stream of D2 somewhere; Le Havre also managed to stay up as per their yearly tradition despite everyone's selective memory.

Roster Changes

Let's break this into two parts: departures and suspected arrivals. I'm saying "suspected" because there hasn't been anything officially announced for the arrivals.

Departures

Laura Benkarth's departure was leaked back in March by German media outlet 90min. Her departure doesn't come as a surprise, she had little playing time. But it's something that was always going to happen, especially since Lyon has made it clear Endler is always going to be the starting goalkeeper. Her statistics aren't bad per se (4 games played, 3 clean sheets but all against lower teams). I won't be sad to see her go in that sense, but we go back to the goalkeeper dilemma: your backup goalkeeper needs to be good enough that they can step in to replace Endler and there not be a noticeable drop in quality; no quality goalkeeper is going to be fine with sitting on the bench for probably 90 percent of the season.

Sara Dabritz's departure was also leaked by German outlet 90min back in April. For me, Dabritz really will be The One That Got Away. A quiet, no-nonsense player who just kept her head down and did her job, she deserved more playing time both under Bompastor and under Montemurro. I will miss her deeply. Her professionalism will be hard to replace.

I touched on Vanessa Gilles' departure quite a bit in the defense section. Up until the Arsenal game I would have said her departure was a loss. Now, forgiveness takes time and I am nowhere near there yet. She contributed a lot, and I will give her that. For the most part she was a solid defender and an aerial threat. She did the locker room a lot of good. But her disaster performance balances all that out. You cannot win the UWCL with a defender who is such a liability, whose head loss is self-inflicted. I won't wish her bad things, but I do not wish her well. We are not there yet.

Marozsan, I touched on her before and again in the social media abuse section. I maintain Lyon kept her for maybe three, four years too long. Was she arguably the best player in her prime? Yes. But those days ended back a long time ago. Instead Lyon kept an extremely expensive player who contributed... what, exactly? I don't think, in recent years, that Lyon was necessarily better for it when Marozsan was on the field. Keeping on a player past their prime simply because they are a club legend does both the player and the club a disservice. Let her end her career wherever - somewhere she doesn't have to worry about contributing to a high press, somewhere where defensive efforts aren't expected of her.

Will I miss van de Donk? Not right now. Who knows for the future. I think she was good, I think Lyon needed her when she signed, I think she contributed as much as she was capable of. I'll give her all that, sure. But she too had a tendency to get into her head at times during big games. Paris Saint-Germain will be relieved to see her go since she enjoyed scoring against them, and I do love a player who dunks on PSG. But that wasn't enough to justify extending a 34-year-old midfielder who was becoming more and more injury prone. I get Lyon's reasoning behind the lack of extension even if I remain cautious about it - if both Marozsan and van de Donk leave, Lyon is left with an extremely inexperienced midfielder in Mendy and Benyahia, neither of which have experience in the UWCL or playing consistently in big teams/games.

Huerta, what to say? She did Carpenter a lot of good. No-nonsense players will always be a weakness of mine and she was exactly that. On a selfish level I hope there is a way Lyon can work something out with Seattle Reign but realistically that's not going to happen. I hope whomever Lyon brings in as a replacement is one who will push Carpenter the same way Huerta did. I think that's the area where we will feel her absence the most.

I have so much to say about Le Sommer's departure but I think A Softer World said it best: "But nothing since you and me even feels like love." At 36, a non-renewal was always going to be on the table. It will be really, really strange seeing her in a jersey that isn't Lyon's. I just hope that wherever she ends up, the fans see her in the same way Lyon fans did: someone who will always, always do what is right by the team. Her professionalism is beyond all reproach.

Suspected Arrivals

There's concern about Marie-Antoinette Katoto coming to Lyon and for good cause. According to reports, Katoto is refusing to play for Paris Saint-Germain for the remainder of the season because she objects to the firing of former head coach Abriel, a coach who failed to win the Coupe de France and also failed to qualify for the group stages in the UWCL. She also got into it with the board of directors, and depending on how you read it, "got into it" could also mean getting physical. In addition to that, there is her notable contribution in the Diallo scandal.

So it's fair to question her signing, it's fair to be concerned that she will blow up the locker room, it's fair to question whether she can leave the baggage at the front door. But it's also fair to say that people had the same concerns about Diani, who has not proven to be problematic at all since joining Lyon. Players can change. It's up to Katoto to prove she can.

Jule Brand is another suspected signing. She's young and has potential, but it's fair to question how she will handle high pressure games. I'm probably more excited about her than I am about Katoto but that's also because there isn't the fear that she will bring a live grenade into the locker room.

People have floated Melween Ndongala as a possible replacement for Carpenter and it bewilders me on so many levels. When Carpenter came in as a 20-year-old in August 2020, she had already played in a World Cup, she had already played in the Olympics, she had already several seasons in professional leagues. We didn't have the finished product - we still don't - but at least we knew what we were getting. Ndongala is just such a massive question mark. Lyon would be replacing an experienced right back with a 20-year-old who has played zero (0) international tournaments, zero (0) UWCL games. She has zero (0) goals and zero (0) assists. Furthermore, Lyon has always expected their outside backs to push forward in the attack. They do it with Carpenter, they did it with Bronze, they did it with Perisset, they did it with Bremer. This isn't a new thing. A right back who rarely ventures up is so contrary to Lyon's typical style of play.

Social Media Abuse

I usually have a pretty fixed policy of not disclosing people’s social media. But I have had it with the social media behavior of certain Lyon “fans”. I am fine with criticising a player’s bad performance as long as that criticism is done in good faith. Call them out for a bad performance all you want, just make sure you also call out other players when they don't perform well.

What I have no patience for is hypocrisy. So let’s go over these double standards.

Becho is a 21 year-old forward. Her stats read as follows: 2 goals on the season; 4 assists. Those numbers are far below what is acceptable by Lyon standards. And yet, there is barely any criticism from Twitter use narcyberg [x] [x], suri [x] [x], Anitaa [x] [x]. Where is the criticism of someone who, in terms of numbers, has absolutely no business being at Lyon? Does being an academy player excuse any and all bad performance in perpetuity? Is that where we are going? You can suck all you want as long as you went through the academy?

Marozsan has a stellar Lyon career from 2016 - 2020 but has dropped off a shocking amount since then. Let’s look at her statistics too: 0 goals; 7 assists. Let’s also check to see whether the usual suspects have commented on any lack of form from, say, January 2022 to present. [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

I also want to point out that narcyberg has managed to get blocked by Carpenter, who posts on Instagram an average of probably once a month and posts personal posts probably every six months, and by Svava, arguably one of the better recent signings and one of the most unproblematic players on the team. Pissing off Carpenter to the extent that you get blocked is typically reserved to a very specific type of Arsenal fan. Pissing off Svava to the extent you get blocked is evidence that you are a genuine asshole, acting like an asshole, for the sole purpose of being an asshole.

So barely a peep about two players who have underperformed by every metric. Let’s check out what she says to say about Ellie Carpenter [x] [x]. Quite a lot, it seems. And some of the stuff is so completely absurd. Vanessa Gilles fucked up beyond belief against Arsenal because she admitted, in her own words, that she couldn’t get her head in the game. Somehow narcyberg found a way to blame Carpenter for that performance.

Narcyberg has been attacking Carpenter for YEARS, to the point she gets blocked by the player, and yet the continuous pile-ons don’t stop. If you harass a player to the point you get blocked, you have gone too far. But Carpenter and Svava are foreigners, and Horan is a foreigner, and van de Donk is a foreigner, and Kang is a foreigner, and Montemurro is a foreigner … Suri also refuses to use Kang's first name correctly [x]. I believe there is a word for this behavior, I can't quite think of it.

I've also gone over Heaps' stats but here they are again. You can dislike her as a person, you can dislike her as a player, but what you cannot do is say she doesn't contribute to the team. A midfielder who is giving you 13 goals and 11 assists over a season is contributing. A 10 who has not scored since March 23, 2024 is not. Where is the criticism of Marozsan, a self-admitted slow player (which Heaps gets rightfully criticised for), and her flagrant lack of contributions?

Shitting on Heaps and Montemurro gives the same vibe as shitting on Korbin Albert: it's the popular thing to do. Like it or not, Korbin Albert is a good player. She is a good player with extremely bizarre and quite frankly insane religious views, but she is still a good player. I don't understand why it's so difficult for alleged "football fans" to separate the personal from the professional. You can dislike a person and their coaching decisions or whatever, sure, but that doesn't mean they are a bad player/person.

Let’s also talk about the social media abuse towards Montemurro: narcyberg [x] [x], WATCHELS [x] [x], Damien [x] [x], lattesfc [x] [x], Anita [x] [x].

But before we get into that, let’s go over Lyon’s league statistics under his tenure: 20 wins/2 draws/0 losses/ 96 goals scored/7 goals conceded. How does that compare to previous seasons? Let’s take a look:

2023/2024 (Bompastor): 20 wins / 1 draw / 1 loss / 82 goals scored / 13 goals conceded

2022/2023 (Bompastor): 20 wins / 1 draw / 1 loss / 69 goals scored / 9 goals conceded

2021/2022 (Bompastor): 21 wins / 1 draw / 0 losses / 79 goals scored / 8 goals conceded

2020/2021 (Vasseur): 20 wins / 1 draw / 1 loss / 78 goals scored / 6 goals conceded

2019/2020 (Vasseur): 14 wins / 2 draws / 0 losses / 67 goals scored / 4 goals conceded

2018/2019 (Pedros): 20 wins / 2 draws / 0 losses / 89 goals scored / 6 goals conceded

2017/2018 (Pedros): 21 wins / 1 draw / 0 losses / 104 goals scored / 5 goals conceded

Now I confess I am not an expert in mathematics but I do believe that means that in terms of offensive, Montemurro had the second best showing since Pedros in 2017/2018. But as I said earlier, the early exit in the Coupe de France and the humiliation against Arsenal justifies the firing. You can't have that kind of performance and keep your job. You just can't.

I also want to point out that if you are going to continuously bitch about a team and act like you are on the board of directors and in charge of making decisions, the absolute bare minimum you can do as a so-called "fan" is get the name of the team right. I cannot put the bar any lower here. If you can’t be bothered to spell Lyon’s government name correctly, shut the fuck up and watch another team.

The future

One of the greatest writers of our time once asked where do we go now, and that's a valid question. And the truth is, we don't know. I don't think we'll know for a while. Le Progres contemplated what things could look like next season and pondered whether the majority of academy players who were out on loan will replace the more experienced players who left, but that requires such a massive gamble on Lyon's part.

We'll get some answers on Monday after Ponsot and Kang's press conference. Will we recognize this team in August? Will we even want to? Kang is asking an awful lot of us, and hasn't really given us a reason to trust her. It's gotten to a point where I think fans have the right to demand something concrete. Promises are nice but what they are not is an eternal pass for lack of deliverables.

Link to Google Docs/Excel spreadsheet where you can check out a player's stats should you so desire:

Lyon Stats Excel

[miss-soph-star]

Hi princess 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Oh okay i knew what disserations are, but at first i didn't get it lol i was at a party when i read that and today i'm hungover as shit

Well i'm glad you took that huge weight off your shoulders. I still have to do mine and it'll probably take me two years to finish uni in general

lol so much rant

I know the songs you recommended and i like them very much. Now that you mention sister by she wants revenge, what about sister but by Mac Demarco?

I'm not familiar with the bands you said after the songs, i'll snoop into them. Any particular songs of them to start with?

Now, I have a question for you

What is it about the "good girl" thing? I know it's a very treasured term in the bdsm community and now that i'm finally embracing my domme nature, i want to fully understand the meaning and importance of it.

Calling someone a good girl used to make me uncomfortable bc people also call those things to little girls and pets in a different context obviously, but for now i haven't been able to rip apart that context from the praise kink context

However i do like to call you that bc you really seem that good

Anyways lots of rambling lmao hope you have a good day💜

- ☯️

(Pd oh about the nickname or whatever let me think about that bc i have doubts as well, i have honorific names that i like but idk if it's appropiate to share them with you? Lmk)

Hi darling,

I hope you’re feeling a little better soon & you enjoyed your party! As for your dissertation & uni work, I’m sure you’ll be absolutely amazing! I’ll answer your question first and then below I’ll leave some song recommendations <3

Before I get started, I want to tag some accounts who’ve really helped me on my journey. As a submissive, I don’t have experience as a domme, so I feel it would be better to sign post you to these accounts, which will allow you to develop a better understanding from that side of the dynamic. I hope you all don’t mind me tagging you <3

@madamejadex educational posts are great for delving into different areas of BDSM, and I highly recommend having a look!

@blue-willow-tree also another amazing blog to look at, if your wanting advice and amazing writing skills!

@sapphiconherknees - my favourite submissive bestie! Who’s account is full of great writings, and understanding submission from another perspective to mine

——————————————————————————

So for me ‘good girl’ is more of a term of endearment and praise. I’ve had partners in the past who’ve used it both sexually/ non-sexually depending on the moment.

For example dropping it into conversation randomly knowing it will get a reaction is something ex partners have used. It either sends me running straight to bed or I blush completely and start stumbling over my words.

As for sexually, if a partner called me ‘my good girl’ or ‘your such a good girl’ that to me is almost a form of thanks and lets me know I’m doing the best I can for my domme, because for me knowing I’m pleasing them and doing my best is what makes me feel not only cared for and appreciate, but really makes the whole experience perfect.

I’d also say for me, as someone who experiences what I would say quite a deep sub space, where I go from very vocal to unable to get my words out, ‘good girl’ is a phrase that tips me into the space very quickly, and I pull the best please from sinking to that place. For me that space is very hazy, quiet and I sometimes find my vision blurs slightly, but it’s different for everyone and even for me it changes depending on how safe I feel or what I’m doing at the time. I’ll include some links to other blogs who explain this in more detail and from other perspectives.

To end my ramble, I can see your struggle in separating the two but ‘good girl’ for me personally is just another term of thanks and endearment, which used by the correct people makes me feel appreciated and held, just as other terms work for other people.

——————————————————————————

*as for honourifics, I’m not comfortable using those unless your an account I am familiar with and have been able to understand your personality through your posts. And on that note, I will only use certain honourifics to address people that are within both of our boundaries. There are also certain honourifics I would never used outside of an in person dynamic where I felt genuine connection with the person. Feel free to send your list over and I’m more than happy to look through them.*

——————————————————————————

I’ve just listened to your recommendation and I think it’s a really sweet, calm song so thank you for that!

As for the bands, maybe start with the most common songs:

- Soft Cell - Tainted Love

- Siouxsie & the Banshees - The Passenger/Spellbound

- Fingers Eleven - Paralyzer

- Divinyls - I Touch Myself

- Annie Lennox / Eurythmics - Sweet Dreams/ Here Comes The Rain Again

- Tears for Fears - Mad World

- New Order - Blue Monday

[pedrocomicreviews]

Lightning Round #6

I read a lot of comics every week but don't have it in me to write a small dissertation about each one, so here's some thoughts about a few books! This time it's Star Trek, One World Under Doom, Ultimate Black Panther and Magik. This is the big post for the week of April 23 2025.

Star Trek #31

Lore War heats up as things get more desperate, characters get added to the main party, and terrible fates are revealed. Pretty gruesome issue all things considered– with a disturbing enough ending that I couldn’t have possibly seen it coming. They’re doing a great job at making you feel just how dire the Loreverse is and how much he really, really has to go. 

Still think it’s very funny that Lore made the Bajorans worship him and that he made them name their religious figures after the pah-wraiths, but also, it makes Shaxs as his dragon be very intimidating. I also didn’t quite understand that the memories come from the sword as opposed to from Sisko and Kahless’s connection, which is a little convoluted but I’ll take it. Very much looking forward to the next issue.

One World Under Doom #3

This has to be one of the most misguided events ever, right? This is the worst look for the Avengers I can recall ever since they invaded Utopia. The idea that the Avengers would immediately call on murderous maniacs, one of which was trying to genocide the entire mutant race like two months ago for fun, and then tell them they have to join forces to deal with Doom is so ludicrous. Carol Danvers is also apparently okay working with Arcade after all the shit he put Hazmat through, Sam and Storm are apparently trying to ignore how much they just fought MODOK at his worst, what the fuck is Maddie even doing in this group, she has a day job now–

I don’t know man, I love Ryan North, this is not it. This is weird and not good and I don’t know what the point of it is anymore. Every creative decision feels bad and every new twist feels almost spiteful. I don’t understand this event and I don’t like it. Nothing is working and at this point I don’t care anymore. What were they thinking? This status quo still has months to go!

Normalize saying the X-men aren’t involved because they’re all enjoying free healthcare for the first time and are all doing their medical exams. Scott Summers isn’t available to deal with the sordid affairs of nation-building, he’s too busy finally removing his wisdom teeth.

Ultimate Black Panther #15

This feels a lot more like a Winter Soldier book than a Black Panther one, honestly, and I like it! I don’t know if this book will survive the cull coming in around issue 18, but I would be very interested in an Agents of Wakanda-type series where T’Challa infiltrates places and Good Cop-Bad Cops alongside Storm. It’s also interesting to see him actually interacting with the rest of Africa for the first time; there’s a lot of potential there. 

Magik #4

There’s a lot here and I like all of it, but unfortunately I’ve written a lot for the larger reviews this week, so Illyana gets to be sacrificed. Still, this is another great Magik issue, assuming you’re okay with the way they’re using Darkchylde. Dani Moonstar fans stay winning, she’s great in this and it’s awesome seeing what she’s been up to since Krakoa… even though I really wish she’d stop wearing the New Mutants fit, one of these days. 

The art is also really good– we have a lot of good designs and great dynamic shots throughout the entire issue. Very good action and drama, and maybe the first time I like the usage of the Cal character in this book. Looking forward to more, Magik continues to be great.

[writesvani]

rude anon is insane bc your first response was extremely mild and normal? then to come back saying you couldn’t handle it when you simply disagreed and kept it pushing is…..a choice.

but also, are they reading the same story? I feel like reading the asks you responded to on their emotions would help too bc as you’ve said before, he is not currently in love with reader. he’s not making the best choices and is definitely confused but there isn’t any emotional cheating going on and everyone is being very human even if it’s not what that reader wants to see. also, they have an outside view on the story. as readers; we know things the characters don’t. that anon is sort of rushing the story with how extreme their judgements are. but I get it, stories create those emotions that make people feel things. I just think if you can’t handle the slow burn and are coming to the author, who knows the story and characters better than you, expecting them to be understanding of your harsh judgements that you’ve concluded from what is really the tip of the iceberg of the story, you’ll likely find that they’ll respond in a way that shows their knowledge and care for the story they’re creating. and again, you didn’t even respond to them rudely so they truly tweaking out for what. but, you’re doing great so far! love the story !

EXACTLY. like let’s be so serious — i wasn’t even rude. i disagreed. respectfully. and i literally said you’re allowed to interpret the story how you want. but if you hate every character, think the plot is irredeemable, and you’re casually diagnosing fictional people like you’re running an emergency psych ward in my inbox… what are you doing here? is someone forcing you to read this fic under duress? blink twice, anon.

it’s actually hilarious that they came back foaming at the mouth over a casual response and then wrapped it up with a passive-aggressive little “grow up” like… be serious. you hid behind anon, wrote a dissertation dragging every single character like they personally keyed your car, and then had the audacity to tell me to grow up because i didn’t clap for your spicy little takedown? the projection is insane.

this story is messy. it’s layered. it’s 600k words of human disasters trying to make sense of themselves. and sorry it’s not giving “toxic man changes in 3 chapters and proposes under the rain.” jk is confused. nina is complicated. y/n is flawed. people are flawed. and if you can’t handle that — if your threshold for “grey morality” is this shallow — you’re reading the wrong fic.

you don’t get to slap “that’s just my opinion” on a rant filled with “he’s disgusting,” “she’s pathetic,” “this is sad,” “he’s a narcissist,” and then act shocked when i say “maybe this story just isn’t for you.” that’s not “constructive criticism,” it’s a roast session dressed up as deep literary analysis. and babe… no mask on earth could make that cute.

anyway. huge love to the person who sent this ask because YOU get it. and you’re the reason i keep writing. y/n and jk have a long-ass road ahead of them — and yes, it’s messy, slow, and deliberate. if that’s not someone’s cup of tea, they can find another flavor. i’m not running a customer service hotline for people who hate every sip but keep coming back for refills.

[absolutely-wretched]

the twilight reveal (my dissertation)

I'm back on the Buffy comics train and just finished the second to last volume of season 8 for the first time since 2020 and here we goooooo (read more so if you want to hurt yourself physically and emotionally with spoilers you can, but you have an out.)

Twilight's mask comes off. I remember this. I don't remember it in detail, but my head instinctively goes into my hands. The trauma. The pain. The cringe. I've never felt so betrayed by Joss until I read the single worst thing he's ever written. and it hurts, just like in 2020. except not i'm reading it with my fiance and it compounds the cringe.

Spike got his SOUL BACK FOR YOU. He died for YOUR CAUSE. And just like when Angel comes back to give her the amulet, it all goes out the window for captain fucking forehead and I'M PISSED. Not to mention the most painful sex I've ever had to witness. Painful in the sense of cringey. Also, is Buffy possessed by Twilight too? Because why in all fuck would she be superpower fucking her ex just because he says "don't you want to be happy?". He's not acting normal at all, and all of this is bombastically weird and makes very little sense and Buffy just does it without questioning it? Let's live in our own microuniverse? WHY?????? Help? Why? Joss what were you going through when you wrote this??? I couldn't have come up with something worse when I was writing fanfiction at 14. I know that's the worst hurdle in the comics but damn. At least there's swearing in the comics, though, I'm not complaining that, it's very realistic.

Okay and why is NO ONE concerned about angel losing his soul??? Everyone knows it's happening and no one asks. Buffy doesn't ask. I'm screaming at the pages for someone to ask bc I'm asking and it makes no sense. the chill days of me defending the writing choices of buffy and satsu and taking mecha dawn in comedy stride are over. what in the absolute fuck. I hate it so much.

so then we get to buffy rejecting this INSANITY finally and that's cool. fuck destiny and all that. there's my girl. my selfishly driven girl (and no, that's not a chracter trait the comics invented, i could write a dissertation on buffy's character flaws from the show, they just seem to be amplified in the comics). dawn is actually the only one who seems to be questioning everything so i'm now team dawn. and xander rejecting buffy. i like xander a lot in the comics.

The best thing about this volume is this:

But I fear, since it's the end before the last volume, that i will be SO FURIOUS about a lot of things said and done in the issues cooming up, since we will have Spike and Angel and Buffy all in the same room together, and I really hope they don't do to Spike what they did in s5 of Angel which is downplay how great he is to make captain boredom look better in comparison.

and GOD i miss lynch so much. i'm not sure if it's the people writing joss's ideas or writing with joss, because I know lynch wrote after the fall but it was joss's story, so I'm thinking maybe the people writing the comics might have made it worse (even if joss's story BEATS for this was already bad). I at least know whoever storyboarded made a god damn mess of it, because half the time i couldn't figure what was going on based on the drawings in the panels.

ALSO I had this rant in the tags once about how much it bothered me that they took away Spike's black nail polish after he got his soul, genuinely annoying me that something so iconic was ripped from his design. so YAY for the return of the nail polish! Keep it!

[hephaestiions]

hi geets, been loving your recs recently, the way you write them is really unique! do you have any book or author recommendations? would love to know what you read outside of fandom too!

anon, this is so kind, but i'm a grad student writing a dissertation on shakespeare & taking electives on victorian lit so the answer to what i've been reading outside of fandom is Everything Ever Published on Shakespeare on JSTOR and an unexpected amount of darwin's notes on worms. but—

firstly, what are you looking for, hop in my dms, i love chatting lit & i can do recommendations for stuff you might like that don't make it into my favourites, secondly, to go off this ask, if you've liked my recs, heavy on considering style & affect, then some reads i've enjoyed in the last few years—

books: meg mason's sorrow & bliss, i got a fucking tattoo for it, jesus; tamsyn muir's locked tomb series is redefining fantasy, cli-fi & the concept of genre; graeme mcrae burnett's case study was brilliant on madness & sanity; geetanjali shree's tomb of sand is a tome that's worth every page; loved olivia laing's lonely city, great conversation on loneliness & art; jack lowery's it was vulgar & it was beautiful is the only non-fiction book that succeeded in making me sob my eyes out; i loved lucy holland's sistersong but i read it ages ago so i don't know if it would pass muster now; i don't remember much of susanna clarke's piranesi but i do remember being twisted up in knots over it

authors: carmen maria machado, i've read her body and other parties & in the dream house, but i'm planning to hunt down all her essays sometime soon & read everything, she's stylistically aspirational and her conceptual knack has me on my knees; caleb azumah nelson for glorious prose; baldwin, obviously; wilde, obviously; i'm not including poets bc that would require a separate list, but richie hoffman's poetry is legitimately startling stuff & both his collections are Hard recommendations; i would follow andrea long chu absolutely anywhere, that provocative style is queer theory in itself; shirley jackson doesn't start out wowing you but by the time you finish, she gets under your skin; maggie o'farrell can be a hit or miss, but i do love her experiments with historical fiction; i like kamila shamsie for filler reads, she's a little too emotionally unsubtle, but makes for a good few hours; gillian flynn for pacing & dirty complexity; i need to be in a Very Specific Mood for ishiguro, but when i am, he fucking bangs

i read a lot for school & my job, and my relationship to literature is that i can't always recommend everything i find Interesting or fascinating, but i did my best with this list, hope you find something to love! also a lot of my fiction & non-fiction reading is very specific to india & i would have a lot more to say if you were interested in that, but much of it wouldn't connect without context

[brattyfemmebaby]

Do you think it’s a good decision for me to make my goal to become a historian of lesbian fashion or maybe anthropologist of lesbian fashion? It’s been my dream since high school but now I’m in college and I’m doubting I’ll be able to make money in the lesbian academic world and that’s a scary decision to try to make. Asking you cause you’re the only lesbian academic in a similar field I think to the one I want to go in to that I know of.

hey sorry this got lost in my ask box and i’m just now seeing it!!

i wish I could say “go for it!” but unfortunately the answer is yes but also no. Let me explain. I think your goal is absolutely wonderful!! definitely shoot for that but understand the likelihood of developing a career doing only lesbian fashion history will be difficult. this also totally hinges on if you want to be faculty and teach or do something else. also remember that working in education means low paid jobs in general.

for me, my career in student affairs was not only deeply fulfilling but allowed me to do my butch/femme and other research work on the side- taking speaking gigs to supplement my income. my bachelors degrees are in photography/graphic design and sociology with a gender studies focus. my masters is in student affairs. i spent ages 19-31 working in and later running diversity programming while making very little money. just this year i was able to leave higher education and start public speaking and consulting full time. that means i had to build my name up in the lecture circuit for about 10 years before it became sustainable! keep in mind that i run a generalized DEI consulting firm and that is what pays my bills- not the butch/femme work that is my true passion. shameless plug but hey yall book me at your college to come talk butch/femme stuff!!

your best bet is to diversify your academic specialization. i can only use myself as an example so obviously you’d do this in your own way (also note i intentionally decided not to become faculty but to work in student affairs); i am a butch/femme expert BUT also publish research on rural lgbt college student development, am a DEI public policy expert, have published white papers aiding institutions in structuring diversity centers to actually serve students, and in the last few years, i became a grant administrator and expanded my area of specialty to include creating DEI initiatives for marginalized student athletes. all that was work i enjoyed but wasn’t the what im most passionate about. this cultivated variety of skills allows me to be marketable much more easily than “butch/femme expert” would.

so, yes! focus on lesbian fashion, but ensure you have another skill. for example if you go the faculty route, write your dissertation on your area of interest but ensure you’re on another research team for something more general and be ready to teach anthropology 100 for many years before you can teach a special topics course on lesbian fashion and while you write a book on the topic. there’s SO much more specific advice i’d be happy to offer if you want to dm me because it all depends on what way you want to track it.

side note;i’ve followed Eleanor Medhurst on tiktok and her website for a long time and read her first book, Unsuitable: A History of Lesbian Fashion this summer. definitely look at their work and reach out because she may have great connections to share!

sorry this was so long! hope it helps in some way!!

[literallylivingfortuesday]

So I've been watching the office US recently ive got to season 5 here are my notes:

found a fic for jim/pam/ryan -and once ryan has done a tone of growth ofc- OT3!!! polyarmory is cool. I'm envious of their kids having a whole other parent, also seems easier to manage a schedule with 3 parents

S5 e10, Jim and Pam getting close enogh to kiss then whispering threats about the chair/photocopier, even as an aroace, that was hot. I want to write something about that, but like I have to finish my dissertation first :(

Jim and Pam, now that they are together, have a healthy relationship, this never happens to tv characters ??

Why was Jim so 'ooh i couldn't wait to get engaged' like dude it's just a patriarchal social construct

(Coincidently I think the detachment for the state is quo norm might be why I like their ot3 because they all grow and learn to be better ppl and better parents together and then realise that they love eachother, are better together and choose to do be happy despite it being untoward especially as in fanon they're living in texas - from my limited understanding, not a great place to be queer)

Pam is almost unrecognisable from who she was in s1 and I love that for her

god I hate Dwight sometimes

god do I hate Michel more must of the time

twice the show has mentioned or indirectly mentioned housing prices, jim buys his parents house- and they haven't even shown him like Scrimping to save for a deposit!! And their shopping habits haven't changed since they brought it bc their broke now.

Why does Michael hate Toby so much? Like sure he's boring, but he's not done anything gut hatred worthy

~Also at one point Andy in an interview said something along the lines of 'why trust some idiot when you can trust a guy who a and b and has a $400 a month apartment' if you could find somewhere to rent for £400 a month it would be a beach hut /garage, a fucking tiny room in someone else's house, or it would be at your parents house. It's fucking insane.

Fucking hell ryan he's so manipulative!! I think I might have liked him in season 1 bc he, like jim and pm were played as the 'normal' real ppl as opposed to the Caricature characters like Michael, Dwight, Angela or Creed

Creed is a funny character, but i would Not feel comfortable in a room with him