#also. learn what a maladaptive coping mechanism is please

[spitblaze]

todays award for 'man what the fuck' goes to reddit for making me see pr0/-ship discourse in goddamn 2023. thought we were past that but i guess not

[the-necromancer-wife]

OKAY HEAR ME OUT (please)

TW: Trauma//Psychological analysis

For someone so obsessed with the idea of true horror, Skully has an amazingly non-scary Unique Magic.

I mean, I tried. I tried imagining something scary about being turned into a pumpkin. You can't move your limbs, you're confined into that round shape that can be crushed if someone steps too hard on you. Still didn't seem an Unique Magic someone as him would have. Someone that gave such a dark speech about what halloween should be about.

And I thought about his words...

"Halloween is always serious and solemn, isn't it? So first, remove all the decorations. Then, paint the room completely black to recreate the atmosphere of night."

"The only thing they have left to survive the night is a single pumpkin, which they rely on to light a fire in the emptiness. Then you will feel a creeping fear..."

When I read those words for the first time I wondered why he mentioned a pumpking instead of a regular candlelight.

But seeing his unique magic, plus the fact he's still not very proficient with it, made me wonder further:

What if Skully turned someone into a pumpking? Someone he cared about. Someone who was important for him. And then, because he's still learning to control his magic, he couldn't turn them back.

What if he stood alone, in the dark, the pumpkin in his hands, shaking and completely terrified because of what he just did?

And what if this happened on Halloween Night, october 31?

That would explain his take on what Halloween should be about. I mean, for him, is not a time for celebration. It's a reminder of the mistake he made. And he said that himself:

"It is for reflecting on one's actions and atoning for them. It's meant for fear."

It would be entirely possible that he repeated the experience over and over, every year, making a funeral out of this day is his coping mechanism.

Additionally, he's doing what is called "Repetition Compulsion" according to Sigmund Freud (i know psychoanalysis is not the best psychology school but i very much prefer it) where the individual may place themselves in the same situation repeatedly, even if it is something they would prefer to avoid. And that includes repeating trauma.

Of course this compulsion can be considered a coping mechanism but also has a lot of other factors such as emotional dysregulation or being a consequence of a certain personality trait.

And why seeking this situation instead of avoiding it? Well, trauma manifest in different ways for each individual and some of them unconsciously seek out reminders of their trauma as a way to gain clousure.

According to Bowins B. in "Repetitive maladaptive behavior: beyond repetition compulsion":

By re-experiencing the trauma, they link the past to the present and they are able to gain some type of mastery or resolution. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, and instead, people find themselves stuck in a pattern of maladaptive behavior.

Plus, imagine if the anniversary of something so tragic coincidentally is the day of a major celebration. Everyone laughing and singing and enjoying themselves and then there's Skully. He has nothing to celebrate.

[rin-and-jade]

What's Going On?! : A Guide on Dissociative Barriers

Too many time blindness, meals missed, work untouched, stuff's disappearing to nowhere, now feeling dehydrated from who knows when--EVERYTHING'S ALL OVER THE PLACE!!

The fact systems struggle with these things everyday.. It's definitely frustrating to keep things consistent, let alone make some progress. But is this forever? Definitely not, or else this post wouldn't even exist.

Let's get to reading or else it's Joever.

Fast Pass: Unavailable - every word is important!

What are Dissociative Barriers?

In simple terms,, it can be explained as mental disconnections from knowledge/skills, memories, or experiences--they are not gone, but barricaded and unable to be accessed due to defensive/protective measures to isolate potential stressors or threat from a person.

This is caused by multiple brain regions being unsynchronized which interrupts the natural process of integrating awareness (either sensory or mentally) and recalling memories. It is not a real 'wall' to be honest, though it is actually closer of a cognitive split.

Not a real.. wall?

Well, yeah, because dissociative barriers are mainly correlated with poor/disrupted communication between the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for control over memory and attention, the amygdala which is responsible for emotional processing and memory formation, and lastly the hippocampus which is important for consolidating and organizing how memories are kept and retrieved. In short, these barriers are caused by limited memory function in the brain instead of something keeping up barricades inside there.

Can the severity change?

Absolutely, and it's a wildcard that can change your system's routine or healing phases for the better or worse. I wouldn't say that dissociative barriers affect all system functions, but it's one of the main reasons--especially a tough one to tackle with, that makes integration/healthy multiplicity/final fusion difficult.

With that being said, there's various factors that influence the tides of your barriers:

Stressors (can be internal, external, or both)

Emotional regulation (better regulation means lower, so is the opposite)

Dissociative and Maladaptive coping mechanisms (being less grounded will breed more barriers)

Mental rigidity or flexibility (being curious and open about your system does lower barriers)

(Un)regulated nervous system (your vagal tone compliments the ability to control fight/flight response, which disrupts many cognitive functions)

Your level of awareness (higher means less affected by potential barriers)

Take notes that sometimes, your barriers will still be holding strong and high even if you have worked on most, if not all these factors above. If this happens, consider working on unfinished pain you have been gripping on to finally relieve the need to wall it up with dissociation, which will generate a significant difference.

Ah ok.. Tell me the difference please!

Alright, ill simplify it as both High and Low severity:

High barriers are associated with;

More distinction - alters have drastic differences in behavior, beliefs, or memory

Shifts in demeanor - which people can often notice while system lack insight about it

Severe amnesia - unexplained gaps in memory oftentimes

A high barrier is where survival is still prioritized over growth or healing, and temporarily blocks them from learning emotional regulation.

Low barriers are associated with;

More similarities - sharing same goals despite maintaining self-agencies and their own preferences

Less shifts in demeanor - systems gain insight and able to control external impression, maintaining a more stable 'singlet persona'

Lower amnesia - due to better communication and cooperation, gaps are not the main issue now

A low barrier is where growth starts and when you're no longer just surviving, but also thriving. It can also be seen by having more fluid switches and less dissociative 'hangovers' .

But, aren't barriers helpful..(?)

I know what you're trying to say, and i agree true it can be helpful--although it is never always going to be beneficial. It may have been the first go-to when you're facing something that you could not process or handle, but over time things will change and the current solution couldn't provide you the same benefits as it should be,, or even, create more issues in the long run.

This can be a tough pill for some people to swallow: dissociative barriers are not there to solve your problems. They're only here to postpone it until you can go back and finish what's not done. If you were to utilize dissociation to function on a daily basis, it could be a sign of avoidance or an outdated coping mechanism until it is replaced with a healthier one.

Added, there's have many reasons why this is a bad thing to maintain--one of them (and most important) is how it keeps everyone separated (which means trauma isn't processed) and comfortable in their own identities (which removes the priority to clear this deep-seated dissonance) . When you're happy that way, it'll mean missing out or being unaware of what's the deeper problem, which often roots back to splitting or forming new alters to tank pre-existing issues, rather than truly solving it--the very thing perpetuating the disorder.

Lastly, i am putting emphasis on how it is derived from coping mechanisms such as compartmentalization and suppression. Lowering dissociative barriers are not just for reprocessing trauma, but to also learn feel safe, and working through the mess without relying on more damaging methods.

How do you tackle this then?

Glad you ask, it won't be a guide without solutions,, i'll explain them in just three simple phases:

Learn how to ground before anything else. This helps you train resilience so dissociation will not hinder you as much than the usual

Document and/or communicate. Jot down anything traumatic that any alters hold, this will serve as your own homework to process thoroughly to prevent relapse or any other negative habits

Finally process them. This ensures the last phase where dissociative barriers are actively tackled, in addition to solving unfinished pain which is hindering your function and daily life

It takes time and skills, so don't rush them,, and do it in your own pace.

Takeaway

Before i even say a closing... yes, im alive,, yes i did enjoy my long break! In fact, it is what inspires me to make this post and an upcoming one at late march/early april--it'll be about fictives.

Also thanks to @ratinacoat for beta reading this guide, who helps ensure the utmost quality and prevent misinformation that's written here <3

--

Your parts are not enemies, the disconnection is. Although dissociative barriers are made to protect a person from overwhelming stress, it doesn't have to define your future too.

What will be your next step to implement this knowledge after reading this post in your healing journey? Let me know if you have any questions regarding this topic in the comments.

- c

[thecircularsystem]

Vaguepost instead because I forgot that screenshotting a post of someone who has this blog blocked is block evasion; I do apologize for that.

My disorder can be fun. My disorder can be joyful. My disorder does not have to be 24/7 misery.

Having parts is fun for me. It is beautiful. It helps me thrive.

Here's what having parts has been like for me, with the trigger warnings for fakeclaiming, suicide, and self harm that the original post was discussing:

Losing chunks of time, waking up where I don't know where l am, knees bleeding because I don't remember why. (It was at college; I had collapsed when I switched because my fear response was so strong; I hit my knees on the sidewalk. I didn't recognize my dorm.)

Constantly meeting people I don't recognize, having to navigate the fact that l've never met them - even though I have.

Multiple parts trying to kill either me or themselves, and believing that killing "the body" is the only way to finally achieve true safety or peace.

Parts self harming

Parts attempting to destroy relationships

Parts destroying my things

Parts screaming innerworld endlessly

And to go beyond what OP said:

My innerworld developing specifically so various parts could torture themselves "so the rest of the system gets a break from us." We were so upset about the screaming that we developed a room innerworld where those parts who were that anguished that they couldn't stop would go to be silenced; chained up and miserable, feeling every ounce like they deserved it.

Constant arguing due to the lack of ability to be their own person; my life was stolen from me, right?

Reenacting trauma innerworld, such as SA, because that's what feels safe.

And so much more!

... and yet I do not relate to OP's post. Because, "some people think having alters is all fun and games" was said to fakeclaim my own experiences. Because while all of the above was true... it no longer is. I am still a DID system, I still have a diagnosis, I am still "valid" in the eyes of these assholes. But I also:

Love having parts

Love the feeling of learning about people l've met, laughing with them about my amnesia

Love learning new things about ourselves; what differences do we have? What do we share?

Love the compromises we come to, and how they make us closer.

Love the bonding we've had over what we've experienced, together.

Love how we work together to heal, trying our best at therapy, communicating with those parts who struggled who are now doing so, so much better.

Love how we turn maladaptive behaviors like sh and torturing ourselves into helpful coping mechanisms instead - self praise instead of torture, writing instead of SH, etc

And so much more. It's so much more than just misery.

Please for the love of god, please stop painting my disorder as a solely miserable experience. It's not. Not for me. Not for many of us.

Your misery is not universal.

[hyakinthou-naos]

Hey, hope this is ok. I need some reassurance.

I've never felt a God's presence (except a vague warmth/peace when meditating about them sometimes I guess), much less talked directly to them (as in hearing them answer) and with so many people, esp on tiktok and here, talking like they have a private relationship with the Gods, a close friendship, even dating I just... I feel lesser I guess? Like so many people were chosen but not me and that must be a problem on my part. Like the Gods prefer everyone else over me. Like I'm not doing enough, even though I'm doing what I manage to do, given my limitations. I'm jealous of people who do communicate directly to the Gods. Part of me doubts them but part wants to believe them because it would be so shitty to lie about something like this and I don't want to believe these people are shitty. I don't believe non harmful hallucinations are all that common either, which would be the other explanation.

From what I understand you don't have this kind of direct communication either and I wanted to ask - how do you prevent yourself from feeling bad seeing all these people who (claim they) do?

I'm struggling here :( It's already hard for me to keep a consistent practice because of executive dysfunction and chronic illness and other stuff and this makes it harder. Feeling like I'll never be at everyone else's level of connection makes it harder.

Sorry for the vent-ish ask. You don't need to answer but I'm already glad if you read. Thank you.

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your ask, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I want to tell you right off the bat that you are not lesser than any other worshipper - you are not less preferable to The Gods - and you should not feel any guilt around your spiritual/religious experiences. I would like to say the following to you, but also to the wider HelPol/Pagan community:

PLEASE Do Not Trust Spiritual Influencers on TikTok.

I cannot claim to know the legitimacy or the intentions/motivations behind every individuals actions regarding divine experiences, but I can say with confidence that most of the spiritual content on TikTok is dripping with lies and exaggerations.

Now, as someone with a mental health degree (I don't talk about my education often but I do have a bachelor's in Social Work and a minor in Psychology) I can also say with confidence that just because someone is lying doesn't mean they're necessarily a "bad person" but you don't have to be a "bad person" to have bad motivations.

Bad Motivations Can Include:

Lying for Financial Gain: This could be selling a product, selling a service, or trying to monetize on being an "influencer".

Lying for Attention: Many people do not have supportive friends, families, or communities - so as a maladaptive coping mechanism they will lie to get the attention they are lacking in their personal life.

Lying for Prestige: Some people don't feel important in their own lives, so they will lie so that other people will think that they are important.

Lying for Fun: In the age of the internet, the ability to make others believe something you know to be false can give someone an adrenaline or a dopamine rush. This is why "trolling" is still so popular.

And, not a "motivation", but still an explanation of why someone might "lie":

Mental Health Concerns: This could be a severe mental illness, a delusion, a hallucination, or conditioning from trauma.

People are weird and wonderful and diverse - and that diversity includes people who will lie (consciously or not) for a variety of reasons.

I speak about this openly as you mentioned, but I do not - nor have I ever - had any direct communication from any entity, deity, or spirit. Everything I know about my Gods (outside of myth, tradition, and history) I have learned through divination, ritual, and intuition.

Answering how I prevent myself from feeling bad when I see so many people "experiencing" something I can't - is a little bit complicated.

When I began my journey into paganism 11 years ago, TikTok didn't exist - Instagram was only 2 years old - and Tumblr had been around for a little under 5 years. My early knowledge came, mostly, from books. I wasn't comparing my experiences to those of others - because the only "others" I could compare myself to were limited to one high-school friend and the authors of the books I read. That kind of experience as a modern pagan doesn't really exist anymore because of how much the world has changed, but I wish it did. So, by the time I got to where I am now, the idea of comparing myself to others was so foreign. And as someone who grew up with the early internet - I learned very quickly that very little online is 100% real and truthful.

If you want to connect with your deities in an honest way that also feels real - you might enjoy trying one of the following (some of these might sound silly and/or childish - but if you truly want to grow as a pagan, you must throw away the idea that childish = bad):

Go outside at night and spin, put your arms out wide and spin and spin until you're dizzy (but not sick). Then lie down on the ground and close your eyes. That whirring sensation? That unreality of gravity? That is the Earth. That is Gaia. That is Demeter.

Listen to the rainfall on a stormy night. Sit somewhere you can hear the drops hitting the ground. Look and wait for a flash of lighting. The following thunder, that sound that you can feel in your bones that makes you jump, That is Zeus.

Write a letter to a friend, or to a loved one, or even to yourself in the future. Pay attention to how emotions become thoughts, thoughts become words, and words become writing. Communication - Language - Thought. That is Hermes.

I could go on- but at the end of the day, people are going to tell you that The Gods are "otherworldly"; but they're wrong. The Gods are of this world - The Gods are this world.

I hope that some of this has helped?

Eirene, peace and farewell,

- Aön

[poppyandzena]

I find it fascinating that Poppy has gone through exposure therapy, because she does not live by the tenets of it. Like at all.

Disclaimer: I am a lay person who went through exposure therapy for OCD. So please take my observations with a grain of salt. This is probably going to be way too long.

The entire point of exposure therapy is to confront your anxiety through repeated exposures to triggers over time. It starts out with small exposure exercises, and the exercises become more intensive as time goes on. The key to successful exposure therapy is to stop reassurance seeking, and stop avoidance behaviors. These behaviors actually make the distress/intrusive thoughts worse, because they unintentionally affirm your irrational fears/intrusive thoughts.

The best comparison would be physical therapy for a broken leg. The exercises hurt like a bitch, but you have to do them to regain your mobility. If you keep your leg in a limited range of motion, you're going to be stuck like that for the rest of your life. Avoidance behaviors are basically the equivalent of skipping exercises. Reassurance is like a crutch. You might need it at first, but if you refuse to stop relying on it, you’re never going to regain your emotional mobility/flexibility.

Exposure therapy is incredibly empowering. The deeper you go, the more your world opens up and you wonder how you ever lived like you did before. But it’s also incredibly painful, and often terrifying. You basically have to confront your worst fears every day in increasingly larger doses.

Now here are two examples I can think of off the top of my head where Poppy actively does the opposite of what exposure therapy teaches you. I could probably find more if I dug through the documents again.

Poppy made Noeh walk on eggshells about her other partners due to her intrusive thoughts about them. An exposure therapist would never recommend that. In fact exposure therapy is often a family affair, because your loved ones have to be convinced not to reassure you or help avoid the triggers. The healthiest path forwards would have been to let Noeh talk about her partners more frequently as time went on. Making Noeh constantly avoid the topic makes the intrusive thoughts and distress worse. You can actually see this in the logs. Poppy’s reaction gets more extreme after every incident.

Your therapist will challenge your version of reality, and they will push you to uncomfortable emotional places. It’s not exposure therapy if you're not being exposed to discomfort. The deeper you get into sessions, the more they will flat out refuse to comfort you or reassure you about your anxiety. This is because the entire point of doing treatment is so you don’t rely on reassurance and don’t engage in destructive behaviors to get that reassurance. So Poppy yelling at her therapist for not reassuring her enough about her “rape” is genuinely shocking. Someone in exposure therapy would usually never have that kind of relationship with their therapist

To be clear, I’m not accusing Poppy of lying about going through exposure therapy. I’m just shocked that she seems to have taken nothing from it.

I know there has been some discussion about exposure therapy being bad for people with dissociative symptoms. I can’t speak to that, as I do not experience those types of symptoms. However, I can say that dissociating through an exposure exercise kinda defeats the purpose. The point is not to stop feeling your feelings. The point is to learn how to feel your feelings without relying on maladaptive coping mechanisms.

^ 🧡🧡🧡

[illegiblewords]

Discussing the sex lives of wizards in the name of psychology under the cut! BG3, warning for discussion of suicide and mental health issues.

Man, analysis of Gale’s sex scene keeps getting waved under my nose with the notion that if you don’t go with Weave you’ve done something wrong. I addressed it already but like.

1) One of the popular arguments is that Gale is magic, magic is Gale, you might as well forbid an artist from painting. One could argue that particular mentality is a huge part of why Gale having issues. I said it before but like—speaking from having been there IRL with writing and editing. As a creative, you don’t lose your entire medium if you take time to focus on acknowledging your self-worth and those who love you without the medium. It’s actually insanely important to be able to do that imo. Not making the first sexual encounter be through magic doesn’t mean it’s never going to happen or is an inferior thing generally. I think emphasizing it as a first encounter and not a last one is a huge deal. It’s also a big step beyond what Gale expects for himself at that point.

The reality Gale had resigned himself to, that he was terrified of, involved obeying Mystra even if she ordered him to kill himself. Her love and his worth are conditional upon how well he can please her. Gale’s ‘comfort zone’ of performing acts of service specifically to retain worth is actively harmful to him and is part of what he was conditioned to accept through abuse. Even in Act III he can struggle with the idea that he is not defined by Mystra’s expectations of him. Like Shadowheart, stepping into choices beyond the will of his goddess is almost unfathomable. It’s still really important to recognize there are other possibilities.

2) There’s a dev note about Gale bowing to the player’s preference if the player opts for non-magical sex. I want to pose for your consideration as a comparison—is it better to farm Astarion’s approval by staying in his comfort zone/sense of the familiar (cruelty, violence) when those things are maladaptive? It comes out a lot through the game that an overwhelming amount of his behavior ties to coping mechanisms that helped him survive with Cazador, but it’s extremely unhealthy outside of that scenario.

All of the companions have trauma caused by abuse. All of them have some measure of mental health issues at work tied to that. And the thing with mental illness linked to trauma is, that person’s brain is doing the best it can to protect them from threats. When the threat is no longer present and they have room to seek health + stability, those coping mechanisms may become a hindrance instead. For Gale, he’s struggled with severe isolation and self-esteem problems to the point that he’s convinced that without magic or unique acts of service he shouldn’t be alive. Mystra has reinforced this. I pose the threat to him (by his perception) has been worthlessness and abandonment. His defense became to make himself irreplaceably valuable through his abilities so he has a concrete defense against those threats. Gale is still learning to adapt to healthy relationships that aren’t with Mystra, where he isn’t being framed as expendable.

Another thing I want to raise for consideration is that there’s a pattern common to people preparing to kill themselves. This involves wrapping up unfinished business, giving away belongings, basically saying good-bye. Gale starts the ‘last night’ scene with that exact intent and mindset. He is planning to die. A player insisting against suicide is not wronging Gale. A player interacting with Gale outside his trauma to offer a different, more stable lifeline than ‘worth through abilities and offerings’ is not doing him a disservice.

Change and recovery can both be fucking scary. You literally have to challenge the way you look at the world, yourself, and other people. For a while you lose all sense of how to judge in that new context. There’s no guarantee the attempt to change will pay off. The idea of trying and failing is scary as hell under those circumstances too because it risks finding hope only for it to be destroyed again. That hurts more than if you've already given up and are braced for further harm.

It’s still important to try though. Living in despair is pretty horrific. I’ll go a step further too to say feeding someone’s mental illness can be a form of abuse. I don’t think taking the Weave-sex option is abusive, but there is some risk of encouraging harmful complexes for Gale depending on interpretation.

The player seeing Gale’s tower, his books, Waterdeep—those are still beautiful things. But he presents them when and how he does because he’s planning to kill himself. I’d argue Gale offers to give as much as he knows how, as well as he knows how, specifically because he’s planning to kill himself. He wants to give the best of himself and his life to his love before he dies. He wants that to mean something to his love. Insisting that suicide is not on the table and that the sex scene is a first time rather than a last is still alien territory for Gale because of how much his sense of possibility has been narrowed. It also involves a radically different perception of relationships for Gale if they aren’t rooted in magic. Of course he’s nervous. What if his partner changes their mind? What if they’re disappointed? What if he says or does the wrong thing? What if he’s clumsy? What if he doesn’t make the encounter everything he wants to say and do only to kill himself after all? What if Gale Dekarios (not Gale of Waterdeep) slips from the world unmourned? What if his only legacy is how he died?

But again, Gale’s partner can insist this isn’t a last encounter. It’s a first. He doesn’t have to do everything right now. He doesn’t have to be running out of time the way he’s believed for over a year.

And by-the-by, sometimes partners do try new things together. Sometimes that involves trepidation. Being nervous isn’t mutually exclusive with consent or even having a good time. Sometimes having existing habits and mentalities challenged can result in growth, improved well-being, and finding new stuff to enjoy. Just gotta be mindful.

Again, Gale’s coping mechanism against the threat of abandonment is acquiring value in what he can uniquely give others. I would argue that for the physical sex scene in particular, there’s an opportunity to give to him instead. This would likely be somewhat beyond his experience and comfort zone given he was expected to impress his goddess through offerings before. Gale has a real fear of being deemed replaceable and discarded if he has nothing unique to provide. Positioned as someone being offered to is foreign for him. And doing it on mundane terms, not as the wizard of Waterdeep but as just Gale—that’s also foreign. Doesn’t make it a bad thing though. Imo it really is a good first step.

3) I’ve seen people get pissed about how the game can imply Gale isn’t great at physical sex. Between the books he reads and his relationship with Mystra, I’m going to suggest it’s possible Mystra was solely dealing with Gale on her terms, in the Weave, non-physically. And I’m also going to suggest that Gale has wanted to do more physically but felt like it was a dirty, ungrateful, mortal thing to want from his goddess. Would explain why he’s not as confident there. The fact that he has a book full of physical sex acts only to leave bodies behind just adds to my suspicion that while he knows he’s very good at Weave-sex, there’s a lot he never got to explore with Mystra regardless of his own interest.

I also really, really think it’s okay if Gale is less experienced with physical sex. No one is born knowing everything. Being able to engage in a safe way (so partner not being an ass about it lol), try new things, and become more familiar through practice could be sweet. No pressure, his partner wants to share this with him. Guy’s clearly a fast and enthusiastic learner anyway. 😉

I’d like to think Gale gets to deal with weird body sounds or moving inelegantly only to find it’s okay to laugh about that stuff. There’s less pressure. He can do things like boop his partner’s nose or make them reach to kiss him. Sex doesn’t always have to be some immaculate, serious affair. It isn’t his last chance. He isn’t being abandoned. He’s personally valued in this relationship.

Characters can have clumsy but heartfelt sex. Characters can have clumsy but charged fight scenes too. Areas of imperfection are part of being alive and there’s room to examine that in storytelling. Not everything needs to be expertly choreographed.

As one last thing, like… the sense I’m getting between discussions is that there’s some conversion contest stuff going on. Trying to put down one sex scene to justify the other schtick. Maybe I fueled that accidentally, dunno. I think some of it probably comes down to different interpretations of characters between fans. For my interpretation, I don’t think Weave-sex would work thematically. Another person’s interpretation might be a different story altogether.

Part of what makes Baldur’s Gate 3 cool imo is how varied the stories that come out of it can be. Which is to say nothing for fans bringing different spins. I might not go with God-Gale and see that iteration as tragic/unheathy. Somebody else might think it’s poetic justice since Mystra is a former mortal who ascended to godhood herself, and God-Gale realizes he is no less worthy than her. There is mutability here imo and I hope this can clarify I really do mean it on varied reads.

[visionaryparacosmos]

VP Reads Psycholonials - Chapter 1 & Interlude 1

My instinct here is to watch for numbers that might be thematically important, but I suspect that the numerology stuff might just be a HS thing. It's been a HOT minute since I read PS, but I don't remember any numerology in it. That isn't keeping me from having a running list of numbers that pop up.

Z talking about having a non-conventional philosophy about family is incredibly resonant with me. I wonder if this story is going to involve a found family narrative or if it's going to flip that on it's head somehow. I'm not sure what to expect, but family seems to be a theme this story wants to cover, since Abby and Z spend a while talking about family. I could be wrong though. Since this is only chapter 1, we're still just learning stuff about the characters. Which BTW, Hussie has character creation down pat. I wanna see them teach a class on it. I genuinely think she's that good at it. I also really like how he strings words together, it's nice.

I'm intrigued by Z's past with social media and cancelling. I can perfectly imagine like ten types of discourse Z could've gotten cancelled over on Tumblr alone, but I'm not familiar enough with the Instagram sphere to know if it translates. I almost hope it stays ambiguous as to what got them cancelled, it would make Z a lot more relatable for an already niche sort of experience.

Getting a look a Z's social media accounts left me with a variety of thoughts, starting with "whoa, pronouns!" and ending with "oh, she's definitely displaying some maladaptive coping mechanisms here." I did get a giggle out of Twitter being dated. I double checked and Twitter only became X last year. It feels like it was simultaneously so much more recent and also eons ago.

Z being a legitimate influencer is kind of throwing me for a loop. Being famous sounds awful to me. People don't treat you like a person. Even something as simple as modeling can make people treat you different. It's bonkers. All of this is just a job people! At least Z seems to be chill and understand that influencers are people too and that the capitalistic drive to always be productive is actually all sorts of detrimental to the human psyche.

I was really excited seeing the psychic damage meter and the spoon theory meter. I like this sort of gag in Hussie's other works. I do wonder if there will actually be any kind of substantial repercussions based on these or if they'll even pop up again. I hope so.

I also feel conflicted on Abby. First she comes off as a shitty friend, but then she comes around to following Z on main, but then she belittles the pandemic. All I can say is that I'm glad it was at least lampshaded. I also like the symetry between Z and Abby being at opposite ends of the alphabet. Abby is shaping up to be a huge foil for Z, which is exciting.

The dream sequence caught me off guard, but the creepy music (and the trailer with the scary shadow being) prepared me for the worst of it. I really like the sound direction of this so far. Later, when Abby and Z's call ended and the music also cut out, it was a really poignant and made the moment feel realer. Also, I swear that Abby must have a crush on Z. They way she's interacting with them is giving me major flashbacks to high school when I had a crush on my yet-to-be-out bisexual best friend. Also, shout out to Z for being the first heterosexual nonbinary person to capture my heart <3

Now time for my thoughts on that ending. There was a QUICK escalation that has me totally hooked. I caught the pre-clownery murder when I watched the trailers, which I'm pleased about. The entire sequence was kind of a rush- not unlike how Z was behaving earlier when they thirst-trapped poor, sweet, nice, well-adjusted Percy.

As for the interlude, I think this really puts Psycholonials in conversation with Deltarune. It's all about CHOICE, or rather the lack of it. But whereas Deltarune has different impact based on choices, it seems like there really will be no choices allowed in Psycholonials at all. Which I'm fine with. There's something about the whims of social media being out of your control that makes it really work well in my mind.

Overall! I'm excited for chapter 2! I need to see what happens next.

[arwenkenobi48]

So I got some last minute resolutions/goals for 2024 (and beyond) that I just wanna shovel out real quick

Idk if you’d classify people pleasing and codependency as the same thing (or at least in the same kinda scale) but I’ve been reflecting on just how much I need to change that and I’m now determined more than ever to do so. Starting emotional regulation therapy in just a few days from now and I’m going to use the skills I learn there wisely. Heck, the few sessions of normal therapy I’ve been having are already making a positive impact. It’s slow, but it’s definitely happening and I can feel that beginning to form within me.

Also, I’m getting closer and closer to reaching my spot on the gender clinic waiting list. I’ll most likely reach it around my 25th birthday. I’m 23 and a half now, going to be 24 this time in the next six months. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far, but here I am nonetheless. But I digress. The point is, I know that transitioning medically is gonna be a helluva process but it’ll be worth it. That, combined with the progress I’m sure I’ll make in therapy, will guide me through the next stage of my rebirth, my metamorphosis into the man I know I can be. So I’m going to keep striving for that too.

And finally, once I’ve made a little more progress with my healing journey, I intend to start looking for love in an irl relationship. Ofc I know it’s going to be a long time before I’m ready to reach that point, but contrary to what I thought earlier this year, I think it is definitely possible to achieve and that’s another thing I have to keep me going. For now though, I need to concentrate on healing.

Honestly, I think I’ve got a much better understanding of just how much work that entails and the depths of how my life experiences have shaped me. I can see a lot more clearly just how to work on myself and why, how to shed the maladaptive coping mechanisms I needed to survive when I was younger and how I can improve myself. I know that healing isn’t a linear journey and there are many days when it’s far from easy, but I’ll get through it, even on the days when I feel like I won’t.

Ultimately, I think the most important resolution I can make at this point in time is to be there for myself. Through thick and thin, rain or shine. It’s hard, but I can do it and I have faith that I will. I will get where I need to be. Sure, my life’s taking a different path than what you’d expect from a guy in his early 20s, but that’s ok. If my path gets me where I need to be, then I’ll keep going forward. Here’s to a bright future and a new year that brings positive growth and new beginnings.

Year of the Dragon, here I come!

[heliopauseentertainments]

1, 6, 19, 21 for Megatron and the character ask meme?

50 Random Character Asks:

Assuming IDW here (but if you want a different one, please ask - I have opinions)

1. Canon I outright reject

I dunno that there's anything I really outright reject. Even the bits that aren't GoodTM are useful to leverage.

6. Worst personality trait

All of him. He sucks.

Actually, let's unpack that a little. Putting aside the war crimes and murder (what a thing to say), the worse thing about him as a person is his absolute inability to enjoy anything.

He has, at some point in life, lost the capacity to enjoy even small luxuries or imagine doing something for fun. He's spent so long with resources and time being so limited and being in survival mode that once survival is achieved or he has access to anything that remotely smells like leisure, he has no idea what to do with it.

For example: He likes the idea of aesthetic appreciation, but in practice he can't effectively utilize it. This is why all of his spaces are empty and nearly (but not completely) devoid of personality.

You also can't take him to a party. He will ruin the party because he thinks the whole thing is a waste of time that could be spent being productive. (He needs some deprogramming.) He has no idea how to have fun.

This makes him a very boring person once you get past all of his fronts, at least until he can somehow heal his ability to want anything more than surviving to see the next day, to see a goal completed.

19. Vices/bad habits

One bad habit is isolating himself when he's struggling emotionally. It's a maladaptive coping mechanism that reinforces the problem, rather than actively addressing it.

When he needs support is when he actively cuts himself off from any avenues where he can get it.

The dude needs friends and needs to learn to let those friends in.

21. Drink of choice (not just alcoholic)

Back when he drank intoxicant substances: just straight engex. Boring, boring man. The booze had a purpose and his unshakable utilitarianism won the day.

Post-sobriety: plain fuel. The boring continues. Look at this dull bastard. Someone teach him how to live.

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Maladaptive Coping.”

This idea was given to me by a good friend of mine 

*WARNING* This issue of Krill’s journal contains literally ALL of the things that might bother you. Every self destructive behavior I could think of is mentioned in this piece. So PLEASE do not read it if there is even the slightest chance that it may bother you. I wont list everything here, and trust you to make your own decision on weather it is a good idea for you to read this or not. 

Also, a important note is that this is from an aliens perspective, and so does not contain every last nuance of these behaviors and the reasons behind them. I hope those of you who read a great day, and those who don’t read a great day as well! :)

The Journal of Xenomedical Biology 

Author: Dr. Krill of the Vrul 

The Human Manifestation of Self destructive Tendencies and Their Signs.

Over the past few years of studying and learning to understand humans, It has come to the attention of the medical community that humans are the most volatile species, psychologically. This is not meant as negative commentary on human issues as it might seem, but merely an observation that humans have the most widely varied pattern of psychological maladaptive responses when it comes to stress and related mental illness. Where each other species tends to have only two or three typical maladaptive responses, humans have been known to have analogous representations of all known mental abnormalities.

Now this journal is not specifically about all the ways the human brain can go wrong, but more accurately about the maladaptive response I have seen in humans over the past few years primarily demonstrating self destructive behaviors in one way or another.

You might notice an interesting pattern in my analysis today that clearly demonstrates a repetitive contradictory pattern in human self destructive tendencies, which will demonstrate just how varied and widely differing their responses can be.

First, humans have socially destructive behavior.which can come in many forms.

Withdrawal: from friends or close loved ones is a common self destructive behavior to look for in humans. This can happen on a large or small scale where the human withdraws for hours or even years. As a social species, humans find social interaction important, even if that is only remote communications with other humans. If that human begins to withdraw suddenly or even gradually over time, I might suggest being concerned about their well- being.

Now here is where the contradictions come into play, and forgive me if some of these social behaviors also overlap with the physical behaviors, with humans, they are often one in the same.

Increased socially dangerous behavior: now this may account for many things. Some humans will fall into a downward spiral where they surround themselves with other like minded humans and participate in dangerous physical activities, which I will discuss later

Increased partners: Now, while this behavior may be common for many humans, and could be argued as a physical behavior, there is cause for concern if a human suddenly increases the number of physical partners from their average. This usually accompanies reckless social behavior like not meeting the partner first before entering into a physical relationship, doing this on multiple occasions and might also be connected with the following -

Staying with an objectively horrible partner: now it is hard to identify why some humans do this, but often humans will choose a partner who is objectively horrible to them either physically or emotionally. Sometimes humans do this because they are afraid of the repercussions, are afraid of being alone, or they have been convinced that there is no other possible person out there who might love them. Humans put a lot of stock into physical relationships and many of them would rather be with someone horrible than be alone. Due to their social nature many humans put social interaction and partnership over their safety and mental health. If you see a human participating in this behavior, it is advised to get them help,even if the human does not want it. They deserve more than being treated horribly.

Now on occasion two humans in a downward spiral might come together and create a codependent relationship where they cannot function without one another. What the other human does the oher will follow and this can lead them both into a spiral of horrible physical and mental behaviors that will cause anguish in the long term. If one of them is involved with drugs, the other will follow etc.

Now some humans might even participate in self destructive behaviors that look good from an outside perspective. For instance, it is a common occurrence that humans overwork themselves to the point of burnout. Often humans throw themselves into their work to distract their minds and avoid the pain of something else, thi may include memories or having to return to an environment where they do not wish to go. These humans will work many hours and sacrifice their social lives to do more work, causing long term stress that can lead to heart attack stroke and other physical diseases related to increased stress and heightened blood pressure. Some humans may participate in this behavior as a way to prove themselves to others, that they are either competent or hard working.

On the flipside of this there are other humans who may just stop working at all. They let everything in their lives fall apart, and stop doing anything of note causing them to lose their jobs, their hobbies, their families and their friends. This one is often related to a withdrawal from other people and might include elements of physical recklessness like drug abuse.

Secondly and including a much wider range of self destructive behaviors, we see the physical manifestations of this phenomenon which vary widely and tend to come in opposing pairs..

Overheating and undereating: are two very common forms of stress response from humans. If humans have conditioned to see food as a reward for behavior or as a comforting mechanism (oten developed in childhood) they will eat in order to comfort themselves and to the point where it is adversely affecting their physical health. They may eat even if they are not hungry or if they are actively full. Some humans experience digestive issues while under stress and may even refuse to eat at all. There are other extreme cases where humans, usually in response to a perceived lack of control, will regulate their food intake to the point of starvation or other food related disorders.

This is closely related to over exercising, and also has links with a perceived lack of control in their life. These humans, often paired with restricted eating, will push themselves to their physical limit to control their own bodies as a form of having a hold on their own lives. This paired with restricted calories can cause an untold amount of damage both physically and metnally. Mental disorders linked to these behaviors are known to be the most deadly of disorders known to humans.

The consumption of Drugs and Alcohol

This is a very common and often overlooked  behavior in humans. Drinking is the consumption of beverages that contain Ethanol, which when reacting in the human brain causes, extreme mental degradation related to fuzziness and euphoria. Humans find this a pleasant feeling though it causes damage to many internal structures most primarily the liver. Unfortunately drinking is seen as a socially acceptable behavior with humans and so excessive drinking is often caught too late or not called out at all. These humans may drink from the beginning to the end of the day and will build up a tolerance to alcohol amounts that would kill another human. They build up an immunity to the point where they need larger and larger doses to feel the same effects. They will often neglect their social connections including friends and family for a chance with the bottle.

This is the same with other illicit drugs, which may have even more severe effects on the person and my lead to drug induced psychosis. Both substances are highly addictive to the point where a human may commit horrible acts like murder, robbery, etc to get the drugs that they crave. This is usually in response to some sort of mental anguish they are trying to drown out but may be related to them becoming hooked on drugs they needed after surgery. On rare occasions, this behavior began in conjunction with destructive social behaviors which lead them down into a spiral.

Excessive partying is often paired with drug use and an increased amount of intimate partners. Many humans who have fallen into this spiral might refuse to admit that they are spiraling at all. Generally limited use of a substance can be acceptable for a human, but there are plenty of other chemicals that should not be consumed at all.

There are even some drugs that are known to be mild on the user but may cause emotional dependence. These drugs are not known to cause physical dependance, but the human can convince themselves that they require the drug to function emotionally during the day and will neglect their family, friends and lives in order to spend more time with their drug of choice Again you will see the withdrawal from social contacts as an extreme warning sign in humans.

Sleeping too much or not sleeping at all:A human getting enough sleep is important for their mental health but sleeping too much is proven to throw off circadian rhythms and increase chances of depression or worsening depression. Humans require an amount of sleep that is no more or no less than what they need. Many humans will claim to not be getting enough sleep because they feel tired, when in reality their oversleeping causes grogginess and reduced amount of energy though it might seem counter intuitive.  On the other hand humans might refuse to sleep at all, instead occupying their time with some other activity. It is important to remember though that an inability to sleep might also be insomnia, and the human hs no choices in the matter. I find that humans, in general, are horrible at regulating a proper healthy sleep schedule.

Participation in dangerous hobbies. Now, I understand that this is common for many humans and does not indicate self destructive behavior, but I would consider noting when a human suddenly involves themselves in dangerous hobbies after not participating for a long time, especially when that human is not careful and doesnt take time to properly consider safety protocols. 

Another very common one is humans causing intentional physical harm to themselves. This comes in levels of severity and I would say that most humans do this to some degree or another. Often these are connected to nervous ticks or even learned behaviors from childhood. This can include, picking scabs, biting nails, picking at the skin of the thumbs or the lips, pilling hair, and biting the inside of the cheeks. These smaller behaviors are usually minor and do not require attention, they may cause scarring but are not generally connected to extreme mental anguish.

However, these behaviors can escalate dramatically to the use of knives and razors. This behavior is EXTREMELY maladaptive and indicates severe mental anguish and trauma and must be addressed immediately. These behaviors might escalate and be linked to loss of life by the human’s own hand. I have not witnessed this personally, and I never intend to as I keep a very close eye on my humans.

[creacherkeeper]

im getting a little too in my family feels today and so INSTEAD of feeling those im just going to ramble for a second about why i fucking love paladin!aelwyn because. im. just like this i guess im coping leave me alone

cw for discussions of child abuse, maladaptive coping, drugs and alcohol, self harm, destructive tendencies, basically everything we see in canon and the implications

aelwyn is ... SO interesting to me because for as much of her interiority as we see, as much of her as we think we understand, as much as i could ramble about her character for hours, we know ALMOST NOTHING about her in actuality?? (besides ... one key thing)

(this is like 2k and probably incoherent someone please stop me)

okay. listen. almost everything we see aelwyn do in s1 is maladaptive rebellion against her parents and home life. the drinking, the drugs, the partying, perhaps some of kalvaxus (though i dont think we fully understand how much of that was forced on her as well, kalina WAS watching her when she was talking to adaine about it). you can say like, oh aelwyn is a party animal, she's impulsive, she makes risky decisions, she's bitchy and rude, and its like. okay but IS SHE ACTUALLY. because under her parents thumb she had an EXTREMELY limited amount of freedom, and usually when people are suffering from very little control over their life, they WILL act destructively over the tiny bit they can, either harming themselves or their environment or people lower than them in the pecking order, because in a way, that feels like a reclamation of autonomy. saying "you have so much power over me but can you stop me from hurting myself and destroying what you havent managed to claim yet?". its just like, kind of what human brains do and frequently has little to do with a persons actual personality or impulses, its just. desperate brains trying to control SOMETHING because autonomy is a fundamental human need and when thats taken away we get. very bad off. (this is one big reason eating disorders are SO common with abused kids.) so i think a lot of the s1 aelwyn we see is like. this is a very desperate, abused teenager "acting out" in the only way it is possibly somewhat safe for her to do so because, on a psychological level, the self destruction is weirdly the only emotional tether and its either this or just dissociate all the time (something we do see she has problems with in canon)

and yes, she did treat adaine horribly in s1. she fully did. obviously what we get in canon is what happens but a moment thats interesting to me is in episode 1 where adaine has attacked aelwyn several times, who either does nothing or just bounces it back, when she says "i never cast spells at you" and siobhan immediately retcons it and says "yes you do, all the time" (i havent gone back and watched this bit so i might be wording this wrong). obviously its an improv show and the canon is built between performers as they go, but that was interesting to me. that brennan hadnt intended for her to have fought back in that way. she definitely feeds into the emotional abuse from their parents and participates in all the toxicity there, but we know in canon that she did that because of overwhelming fear and self preservation. and that her self hatred because of it just fed back into the cycle and made her feel like she wasnt good enough to even try to break free from it. this is very common in golden child/scapegoat sibling relationships where the golden child SEES what the parents are capable of and becomes a participant in the abuse out of fear for their own standing. in any way siding with the scapegoat child not only directs abuse at themselves as well, but frequently makes things WORSE for the scapegoat because the parents will take out the challenge to their power on them even more. so, if aelwyn DID ever try to defend or help adaine when they were small, she would have VERY QUICKLY learned that made things worse for everyone. and just. sectioned that part of her brain off, as she's done with so many other things. (and i dont think im reading too much into the forest scene with the abernants to say their parents were VERY QUICK to turn abuse towards aelwyn if she stepped out of line even a little. like, you dont flinch when a hand moves unless. you know. dont need to say it just something to think about. as far as we saw in canon, she had done everything they asked of her leading up to the forest, and we DONT KNOW what happened in it but we do know brennan specifically called out how in broken spirits she was when adaine was summoned, even though they did the ritual to avoid all of the nightmare bullshit)

(the house party is literally a whole separate post but i think its fair to point out that 1) she was super under the influence when that was happening which DEFINITELY is in no way an excuse for her behavior but worth remembering when trying to analyze that 2) her losing that fight did canonically have DRASTIC consequences for her and even if she didnt know exactly how that was going to turn out, i think she knew how bad it might be. and she did not know adaine or any of the bad kids were going to be there in the first place)

all that said, it feels in some ways counterproductive to say that aelwyn is an extremely devoted and protective person (yes we're getting to the paladin shit i know i've been rambling a while) but i think that thats strangely ALL WE ACTUALLY KNOW ABOUT HER. because we've established that her self-destructive and abusive behavior in s1 is almost entirely psychologically scripted for her by her parents, we dont know how much of her villain shit in s1 was LITERALLY UNDER THREAT OF DEATH because we know at least killing the oracle was and we dont know how much of the rest of it was mandated by either her parents or kalina other than that she probably was under orders not to tell adaine the truth, and we know participating in all of this caused extreme self loathing in her that she refused to show to anybody and was too terrified to act on in any way

so, like. what does that actually leave us?

here's what we do know about aelwyn:

- of all the schools of magic, she went into abjuration

- the entire bbeg plan from season 1 hinged on aelwyn's complete faith that her level 1 sister was the most prodigious diviner in the world

- right after (?) the house party, she locked her memories where only adaine could find it with a note basically saying "theres so much bad blood between us but i know only you could find this"

- she desperately wanted to protect adaine and the fact that she was too afraid to do so made her hate herself (and her knowing that adaine now knows this is the turning point in their relationship)

- despite everything, even in the nmk forest, she still loved her parents

- the SECOND she is shown genuine love and affection and care from adaine, and adaine says whatever you do, i am here with you, all her actions from there forward are just about protecting adaine from their father, very nearly at the cost of her own life

- with what she probably thought were her last words (and would have been if adaine hadnt given her the tincture), all she wanted to communicate was how to help adaine and the bad kids, and how despite everything she had always believed in her

- at five levels of exhaustion, unconscious, she used her first spell slot after nine months of torture to build a shield around adaine

NOW we get to paladin!aelwyn. because, once everything is stripped away, the abuse and the control and the maladaption and the threats and the torture, EVERYTHING we ACTUALLY can glean about aelwyn's personality and inner core is that she's protective and devoted. and of course classes arent locked by personality, but that just screams paladin to me. its her WHOLE THING. adaine even says "wizards dont have heals, we dont care about other people" and of COURSE that isnt true for either of them, but? mechanically? aelwyn chose the wizard school that DID let her protect, and DID let her help, but i dont think, at this point, going forward, thats really going to be enough for her (and we could also talk about the parallels between them, how often adaine uses her portents to help other people)

i think a lot of the different reads on aelwyn come from this fundamental disconnect between her actions and displayed personality vs who she actually is and what she actually wants. and i think there are very different interpretations of what thats going to look like for her going forward. but i think, for a girl who's most hated characteristic about herself was her self preservation at the detriment of others, her perceived selfishness, and her fear ... isn't choosing to be braver and more selfless and more protective and shedding that self-preserving instinct for the betterment of others ... and MECHANICALLY being able to act on all those things ... the logical next step? i think its going to be a LONG TIME before aelwyn can love herself, but what other way is there to try? if adaine loves her, and adaine believes she can be better, isnt being better because she trusts adaine kind of a form of self love? saying, i dont believe in myself, but i believe in the person who believes in me, and maybe, in a roundabout way, thats the same thing. she was never able to TRY to be better before, because trying to improve even a little, even when people arent watching, when a harmful force has so much power over you and your actions ... like, the mental dissonance is honestly TOO much to even try, thats WAY more terrifying than letting yourself be bad, to the point where thats psychologically impossible for a lot of people. but now she actually has space and freedom and CHOICE and she CAN embrace the instincts she always had to shove down, she CAN be the person she knows her sister needed her to be

i dont know, i think theres an inherent love letter to yourself in wanting to be better and wanting to improve, even if you justify it by saying its for someone else. and now aelwyn actually CAN improve, and thats probably going to be extremely awkward and scary and there will be set backs and backslides for sure. but. i dont know. i think she wants to make up for lost time. because she never wanted the time to be lost in the first place. and if a protector is who she always wanted to be, whats stopping her from being that now?

[bannock-freak]

Hoiiii! This got too long for the tags, sorry @u@

BUT I think it could come from a few things!

Victor's EQ is not that great, and from the later line of iirc 'Should I just kiss you or something?' I think it seems like he's just looking for buttons to push. There's an implication that Victor has manipulative tendencies, between his fatshaming and treatment of Yurio. Waterfalls and I thiiiink iirc the convo in episode 11 come to mind? NTM the fact that he totally forgot he made a promise to Yurio to choreo for him so I can see him literally being 'yeah sure w/e' to get an annoying kid off his back LOL He is generally a very very sweet man who tries hard to be kind, who would do anything for the people he cares for, but when he's frustrated, jilted, etc, those queen bee tendencies can come out a little bit.

Also, Victor is ACUTELY aware of how important he is to Yuuri by that point. By threatening to effectively leave him, he's trying to push Yuuri to do what it takes to make Victor stay, plying on Yuuri's well developed sense of guilt. However even though Victor knows he's important to Yuuri, this is realistically still pretty early in their relationship - they're still learning each other out. So, buttons. I think Victor is intrigued by Yuuri, inspired by him, in love with him, wants to learn him through and through, but I don't think he can really relate to him - probably part of what makes Yuuri so interesting to him actually - so that difference in mindset can lead to some clashes. In that scene, he literally doesn't even understand why Yuuri is nervous to begin with until Yuuri spells it out for him, that this whole time he's been petrified for the both of them and is collapsing under that self-applied pressure.

I tend to think it goes like this : what Victor wants, Victor gets. What Yuuri wants, Yuuri miiiiiiiiight ask for, around prevaricating and comfort eating and worrying he's imposing on others.

I also think there's an implication in Victor's life that, even off the ice, much of it has been a performance. In fanfic, this is largely exemplified by the difference in his smiles, and I don't think that's an incorrect supposition. Compare the smile he gives in the first episode when he's holding up his medal, or when he's calling Yuuri a pig, to the heart shaped one he gives in seemingly more genuine moments. The first is beautiful, slim, shining - quite knifey, really. The latter is wide and excited and, again, literally heart shaped - he's smiling with and from his whole heart. IIRC there's even a difference in body language with these smiles - stiff vs loose/exuberant. Victor says almost immediately that he wasn't being serious when Yuuri started freaking out. So I think it was also Victor falling back onto old habits in a moment of stress - because he DOES seem to be stressed if those glances at the ceiling mean anythng, and his outright saying he doesn't know what to do. Victor doesn't seem like a man who's often honestly out of his depth. He was performing to Yuuri, he wasn't saying his true feelings. The maladaptive coping mechanism came out to play for a hot second.

But it's his true feelings that Yuuri needs in that moment, Yuuri doesn't need and especially doesn't want him to perform at all. He just wants Victor to be Victor, and for Victor to simply be there with him. Everything Yuuri asks for in that moment is internal, not external. And I think that's why Victor's eyes glimmer like they do. It's essentially Yuuri reaffirming to Victor that he doesn't need Victor to become something to please Yuuri, only that he needs to be himself, like in that early moment on the beach. And this time, it probably really sinks in <3

There's also another component in Yuuri that I think Victor was trying to tap into. When Yuuri and Yurio first meet, after the stomping on his face, Yuuri seems to behave very OOC. He thinks to himself that Yurio is underestimating him and... smirks? Of all things???? Then there's Yuuri's thinking during his eros performances, where he's drawing motivation from the fact that the world fucking hates him for having Victor in a way they don't. For a guy who BSOD'd when he went viral, this doesn't seem to fit, but it does if you think of it in a certain way. Yuuri? Is literally fueled by spite. There is a deeply petty piece in him that sees when people aren't taking him seriously and seeks to make them eat their words. It hangs out next to his perfectionism and endless stamina. Victor has probably realized this, and it's that that he's probably trying to tap into. I don't think he was trying to make Yuuri cry - hence his startled freak out when that's exactly what happens - he was actually trying to piss Yuuri off LOL

Idk if this is what the intent was canonically, but that's been my take away at least quq i hope that maybe helps a lil idk idk

I don't usually post about Yuri on Ice on here but after seeing a few posts about it I want to ask something I've always been puzzled about.

In episode 7, why does Victor come to the conclusion that he should break Yuri's heart and make him cry?? It just seems like a really weird thought process to be like "how should I motivate him? Ah yes, shatter his heart"

Was that just supposed to be Victor being awkward with feelings? Crying did help Yuri to release some of his tension but Victor can't have known that would be the case and it seems pretty cruel to experiment with his feelings like that anyhow.

I think it was important for Yuri to realise that Victor can make mistakes and be an arse sometimes but I'm just honestly confused as to why he would do that in the first place. I just don't understand!

Does anyone else know? Am I just being dense about something?

[askomori]

Since mod is offering hot takes I’d like to know what in your opinion is most likely to be the actual ending. Not by what you’ve read on the internet but judging from your own thoughts and your own experiences with these kinds of feelings. Do you genuinely believe Sunny would head out to talk to his friends? Do you think it all would be enough to get him to confront his past? Or do you think he’s more so destined to stay locked up in his bedroom and his dreamworld?

LONG POST............... KEK

>Do you genuinely believe Sunny would head out to talk to his friends?

honestly, not until sunny starts healing from everything that happened. he didn’t leave the house for 4 years even though kel never stopped trying to check in on him. even if all his friends received the truth well and didn’t hold it against him, that severe habitual isolation doesn’t go away overnight. maladapted coping mechanisms that arise from ptsd, especially ones that overtake your personality, take a tremendous amount of willpower to overcome. he would need years of working through the trauma in therapy.

he wasn’t ever a sociable kid, he was sort of awkward and uncomfortable around other people. mari was the one who helped him make friends, and you can see throughout the photo albums that he got more comfortable around them. its terrible that she had to die in that way because not only is mari not there to support him anymore, but the guilt is driving him into total isolation.

because i understand him well, i can identify that a lot of this is explained by schizoid personality disorder. (one thing this criteria list i attached below doesn’t explain well is the description “desires” nor “enjoys”. the misconception comes from, by nature of the disorder, being unresponsive to therapists, and often they may outright say they don’t want relationships because they’ve given up. it definitely presents that way though, and sunny definitely presents that way, with dropping out of school and not responding to kel’s attempts to help him.

i needed to clear this up because otherwise id get a bunch of people who don’t understand the disorder going “but he had friends when he was younger!”) 

^the criteria for reference. (more on szpd if you’re interested: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK559234/). 

(authors note: i love the flat affect representation because i never see that in media) (another side note: i love the juxtaposition of sunny’s flat affect and omori’s extreme emotions. its very accurate to someone who is terrified of showing emotions due to a trauma that involved them)

>Do you think it all would be enough to get him to confront his past?

luckily, moving out of the house that mari died in will be really good for him. and moving towns will also help him learn how to go outside again, because he no longer has the extra hurdle of worrying about seeing his old friends like he did for years before he told them the truth. he has space to sort through his feelings at his own pace without the unintentional pressure sunny felt because of his friends (ahem, kel) who were just trying to help and wanted him to be happy.

after finally getting the weight off his chest about the truth, he has a good start on confronting the past. there will be ups and downs, but i believe in him.

>Or do you think he’s more so destined to stay locked up in his bedroom and his dreamworld?

in the bad ending, yes. but in the true ending he accepted and embraced omori, the part of himself he thought was irredeemable, the part of him he was in his own psychological civil war with. (jfc this visual made me cry.)

 i know this isn’t a fluffy feels good answer and it made people mad when i answered this in a fandom server haha... but its realistic. to gloss over the painful truth of this game is to flat out disrespect the themes it portrays. this game is a tragedy, its not pleasant, but that’s what its like when you go through trauma and debilitating mental illness. its not realistic to just have one conversation in the hospital and all of a sudden everyone lives happily ever after. his friends will need time to process the truth as well.

but! i believe in everyone to resolve everything that they went through. they can bond through their shared pain and understanding each others perspectives, and i know they’ll come out the other side stronger.

—

EDIT: I JUST REALIZED you asked if the real world events of the game were realistic. yeah fr when he left his house and stayed out all day and then did it again thrice i was like ok he built different... i could never

but if kel was knocking on sunny’s door every day since he learned sunny was moving, then it is a possibility sunny would give it a chance and would have built up the courage after a while because “im moving in 3 days so why not”.

remember: waiting for something to happen?

—

EDIT 2: so i’m playing the hikikomori route and i like af that the player gets that choice. so far, this route is accurate too. i highly recommended playing both routes.

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please do not be ableist in my askbox in response to this! i will literally crazy murder you!!!

[aloneatl4st]

School starts on the 13th for me.

Im not really mentally prepared and Ive had a full mental breakdown.

I have not recapped anything for this year even if i should've. I went from 4th in my class to 17th in my class in 10th grade. I feel no energy excitement or drive to do well and im just so sick of school, the people there and what its got to offer. Im so mentally tired and although im unable to get professional help. My fears are, sadly, seeming to become true as i find more and more adhd/add mannerisms in my own. I know 100% im not neurotypical at this point. And it seriously affects my everyday life, but im not in a place from where i can get help. Balancing school life and my hobbies or things i like to do will be so hard, basically impossible. So i either try to hyperfocus on school and neglect everything and everyone, which will make me end up 100% alone,or i compromise my future as a wanna be med student (nurse) to better my mental health with my shitty coping mechanisms such as overstimulating myself, maladaptive daydreaming and shutting my emotions off from others.

It seems that me and my closest friend are also growing very much distant and talking to them is no longer exciting. I can tell they're getting sick of me. Or at least sick of answering to my texts.

I am so lonely and i am so afraid for my future. I don't kniw what to do and i have noone to talk to about it. Im terrified that ill end up on the streets and just die there soon enough if i dont learn someway to actually balance my life. in just under 4 months im turning 18 and i dont even wanna celebrate it.

I dont like begging. Especially when its regarding stuff like this. But please. If you read this whole post... would you please be my friend? i promise ill listen to you talk about whatever and compliment you and i promise to do my best to be funny and entertaining... anything you would want from a friend... I need friends so i don't feel like im totally alone in this.

Have a good day everyone. ❤️

[conduitandconjurer]

how does ur blog personally handle the klaus cult storyline? i saw in ur tags abt how u didn't like it so i was wondering if u were canon divergent about that part of season 2? sorry if this is a weird question lfjdksljfdklsfj

Not even remotely a weird question, and please don’t apologize, Lucky dear <333   Media crit is like My Thing™ so I love this kind of question.

My blog handles the Klaus cult storyline by de-emphasizing it, which is not so much an attempt to duck it entirely as an attempt to encourage others to find it occasionally funny in an ironic sense (more on that later) but mostly to not rely on it as a comedic staple, and even less so as a staple of Klaus’s character.  It’s a symptom not of his growth but of his continued stasis, and probably his biggest stumbling block in the entirety of season two. I don’t go completely canon-divergent and deny that it happened, because I believe there are lessons to learn in the folly of it, and because it reveals character flaws (or perhaps better put, maladaptive coping mechanisms) that Klaus needs to overcome.  

Klaus forming a cult in Season Two is revelatory: revelatory of where Klaus is emotionally himself, and what he needs to change.  It’s uncharacteristic of him, because Klaus is, at heart, beneath the sarcastic bluster and the addiction, a kind and vulnerable person who doesn’t want to control anyone--in fact, I’d argue that, despite his individuality, Klaus is a problematically passive person, who lets himself BE controlled--and cults are ordinarily ways to prey upon and ideologically control socially vulnerable, often young, people, and indoctrinate them in toxic beliefs.  So it’s uncharacteristic,....until you realize that he’s using the cult as one more big way to DEFLECT from his problems, and take the easy out.  Klaus is necessarily weaponizing his queerness and pacifistic tendencies to pad himself with monetary and social support, in the increasingly anti-war, pro-free-love, hippie sixties.  Moreover, he is anesthetizing himself with empty hedonism: this time--instead of with drugs--with the pure, unfettered, casual love of perfect strangers.  

Why (beyond staying alive and safe in a volatile society that is even more homophobic than the 2010s?) Because he thinks the rest of his family didn’t survive the time jump.  The cult signifies an emotional REGRESSION. And why is it ironic? Because in trying to escape his problems, Klaus has circles right back around to them. What is his cult--clawing at him night and day, begging him for words of wisdom, begging for his help, exactly like? The ghosts that haunt him 24/7, knowing only he can see them. The cult  members are displaced and marginalized, desperate for answers, in the same way that ghosts are. And THAT, i will admit, is good writing. THAT is worth not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. 

Is it bad of Klaus to deceive people this way? Yes. Is it irresponsible of the writers to turn a cult storyline into a joke about “haha look at Klaus being eccentric and lazy and conniving again”? Yes.  In fact, the TUA writers have a pattern of irresponsibility and insensitivity when it comes to Klaus as a character. They make a punchline out of his addiction, too. They have characters coded by the narrative as morally superior (Ben, for instance) calling Klaus a loser and a “junkie” (which is a pretty slurry, offensive term for an addict) and shaming him; the writers should not be doing that.  Worse, they equate Klaus’s “usefulness” (read: his intrinsic worth) with his sobriety (he can only conjure when sober, and conjuring is the only “good” thing he can do, which, given t he fact that Reginald raised these kids, isn’t their fault per se, but at some point the writing needs to counter this very wrong-headed, abuse-based rationale, and it hasn’t).  The writers shouldn’t do this, either.  But they do. So am I surprised that the same people who made a punchline out of substance abuse also made a punchline out of cults? No. 

For those reasons, I wish this plot device had never been used (particularly when we talk about squicky things like the sexual flings he’s had with devotees simply because they think he’s some kind of prophet).  I don’t think it’s particularly funny, and I think there would have been other ways to show Klaus diving headfirst into hedonism to avoid mourning his “dead” siblings.  But it happened, and I can’t deny that it’s in-character for a falling-off-the-wagon, emotionally regressing Klaus.  And in its way, it’s a good way to reveal that he isn’t doing any better than he was when he was homeless and strung-out. 

On the other hand, is this a cult on the level of certain religious sects, or Charles Manson?  Of course not.  Klaus doesn’t give a damn if these people exist under his control, agree or disagree with him.  He wouldn’t ask them to do illegal things, or things that cause them emotional or physical pain.  Basically they ride around in a rainbow painted hippie van, travel the world fully funded by a rich elderly lady, probably eat vegan, and live in a gorgeous mansion.  They’re deluded, and that’s wrong, but they’re only deluded about the fact that Klaus is  really not a prophet, and is just spewing nineties song lyrics that haven’t been written yet. In a sense this diminishes the ethical squick, and I can live with it. I still don’t write about it much here, and I continue to decentralize it, because it’s still a dumb insensitive idea about a subject that causes real people real harm.