#an insanely good and comprehensive explanation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lillaydee · 5 months ago

Text

The Unlucky One Part 3

Joel Miller (No Outbreak AU) / F Reader

When it comes to love, Lady Luck seems to have lost your address. After being left at the altar without so much of an explanation, you decided love is no longer something you are interested in. Not even meeting an unlucky-in-love-himself Mr. Grump could change your mind.

Right?

Let me know if you want to be tagged, or if you want to be removed from the tag list.

WARNINGS: Protective Joel (The Last of Us), Good Parent Joel (The Last of Us), Soft Joel (The Last of Us), Joel is Bad at Feelings (The Last of Us), Joel Needs a Hug (The Last of Us), Hurt Joel (The Last of Us), Grumpy Joel (The Last of Us), Jealousy, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Idiots in Love, unlucky in love, Child Abandonment, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Alternate Universe - No Cordyceps Outbreak (The Last of Us)

@peelieblue, @vickie5446, @harriedandharassed, @lovefreylove @martuxduckling @kikookii

SERIES MASTER LIST

Part 2

---

When you got to your room, Maria came bounding towards you, looking a bit guilty. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt like going out? I wouldn’t have said yes to Tommy.”

“I want you to have fun, you goose. You’re on holiday. I, on the other hand, needed a reason not to think about being dumped, so…” you lifted the many, many, many filled bags you had brought back with you.

“Ooh!” she squealed, looking far too excited to help you with your shopping. She cooed at the souvenirs, asking you if you could take her with you the next time you go. She blabbered on about random stuff as you changed, following you around the suite, even talking at you through the semi closed bathroom door as you peed and showered, all the while with a strange smile on her face. It was all a bit odd. Finally, you sat in front of her and asked her point blank – what’s going on, Maria?

“Well, Tommy’s brother didn’t join us. I heard he went out today. And he sent a picture of some fried rice to Tommy, the place looked suspiciously like the place you sent the soupy thing from. You have something to tell me?” she couldn’t even keep her face straight.

“No.”

“Oh, come on… it’s me… you were out with him, weren’t you?”

“No, I wasn’t. We were at the same place. But I was not ‘with him’. We just happened to eat in the same restaurant. Different tables.”

“Oh…” she said, looking a bit defeated.

“I don’t even know the guy’s name, Maria. He’s just someone I happened to share a dinner table with yesterday, and a car with today.”

“You know, I can ask Tommy about him, make sure he’s not a loon? Do you know his name? Does he know yours?” You rolled your eyes at her. “He’s so good looking, though. And so quiet. You know what they say about the quiet ones…”

“Maria…”

“I’m not asking you to do anything crazy… maybe, hang out with him a bit. He might help distract you from everything. And you know, we have like five more days here. Who knows?”

“Maria, I love you, but… less than a week ago, I was supposed to get married to who I thought was the love of my life. I still don’t know what happened. I haven’t even heard from him. And you saw how his family left. They were furious. I don’t even have the slightest comprehension of what it was that I did wrong. No one would tell me anything. I’m so lost it’s insane. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am on what was supposed to be my honeymoon. Heck, I don’t even know if I’m single now. He ghosted me. I have no idea if he got cold feet, or he just needed more time, or he’s completely done with me. Am I even single? I don’t even know that! I don’t want this whole thing to come back and haunt me.”

She watched as you ranted, a clear sadness written all over her face. She got up after a while and called someone on the room phone, ordered food for the room and the two of you had a slumber party, watching movie after movie. At one point, you asked her why she was spending her vacation in the room with you. She should go have some fun with her long-haired southerner, while she still could.

“Nah babes,” she said, tucking your hair behind your ears, “You’re my ride or die, I’m staying here because you need me here right now. He can wait.”

“What if I need you here all the way ‘til we have to leave?”

“Then see you whenever, Tommy. Been nice knowing you!” she said, tipping an invisible hat at the door, earning her a kiss and a hug from you.

Really, at this point, you had no idea what you would’ve done if she hadn’t agreed to come with you on this trip.

The two of you talked over the TV, argued about who’s right and wrong in the movies, laughed ‘til you both couldn’t see, and cried in each other’s arms until both of you fell asleep, far too early for a holiday.

You were awaken by the pinging on your phone.

3.45am.

Andrew.

You sat up so quickly Maria woke up from your movement. Her confusion quickly turned to concern at your expression.

You had been texting or calling him multiple times since the wedding. Begging him to call you, text you back, at least let you know why. You deserved that at least. It felt like you sent him hundreds of texts those first three days. He blocked you. You used your Dad’s, Franks, Maria’s, his family’s phones to text him, Kyle texted him on your behalf, Ethan too, they all got blocked as well. You were so confused.

You were a great partner, you treated him like a fucking king. You paid your half of the mortgage and bills, despite only free lancing, you had a job that kept you busy, sometimes busier than him when certain times of the year came, and still, the meals in the house was all your doing, be it ordering or cooking, you ironed his clothes for him, gave him massages at night, scheduled his appointments for him, you even packed his fucking lunches. And he ghosted you without an explanation. You were not even worth that to him.

By the third day, when his family left in a huff for whatever reason, you got the picture. He believed you had wronged him in a huge manner, and his family believed him. If he had simply gotten cold feet, they wouldn’t have been that angry at you. His sweet, sweet mother wouldn’t have practically ripped the heirloom ring that was on your finger. His father wouldn’t have spat at your Dad, calling him a failure of a man, unable to even raise a daughter right. Even if his sister seemed apologetic and looked a bit sorry to leave you like that, she didn’t have the power to say anything, seeing as everyone else was so determined to get out of there as soon as they could.

But without a definite answer from him, you hoped.

So you decided not to harass him anymore, believing that he would get back to you when he was ready. You packed your bags and left for Bali that evening, thinking that you would call him when you came back, and God knows you needed a vacation after the whiplash that was your supposed wedding day. Surely, he would’ve cooled off by then. And if he hadn’t, you had to believe that when the time was right, he would let you know. And when you had more information, the two of you could work out the details of where your relationship would go from there.

Surely?

But his text, that single text he sent you on the third day on what was supposed to be your honeymoon, was not what you expected at all.

“Having fun in Bali with that very single friend of yours? Don’t think I don’t know what you guys are up to. I know she would’ve persuaded you to fuck someone by now. I should’ve known. You didn’t even try hard to reach me, or find me, did you? Three days? That’s all the trying I deserve from you? Well, looks like I’m right about you. This is all the confirmation I need. I want you out of the house before the end of next week. I’ll even make the process easier for you. Hope he was worth it. Goodbye.”

Maria pursed her lips together reading the text. Your insides felt cold. Hollow. You were having a hard time digesting what you had just read.

So there was a supposed man he thought you were involved with. Who? And he ghosted you. Blocked you. And suddenly he was the wronged one? He was the one who wasn’t being coaxed enough? Begged to enough? It’s your fault now? For trying to give him some space?

Who was this guy? This was not the Andrew you fell in love with.

Maria’s hand on your shoulder snapped you back to reality. “You okay?” she asked.

You nodded, jumping a little when the room phone rang. Your wake up call for the hike. You got out of bed to get ready, Maria asking you where you were going.

It was a mark of how serious your face looked at that point that she didn’t even make any sly remarks about you going for an early morning hike with the Grump. She walked you to the elevator, hugging you tight, telling you to call her if you need anything. You just nodded at her as the doors closed.

**********

When you got to the lobby, the Grump was already there, staring at his phone. Something was off with his demeanour, you could tell, even from the back. He seemed bothered, saddened, hardened. You had an accidental glimpse at what he was looking at, an Insta Story of a… party? When he realized you were passing him, he quickly turned the phone off and joined you to wait for Pak Rahman, who was due any minute.

“Morning,” he greeted.

“Morning.”

And then the two of you were just quiet. Each in your own thoughts. Even as Pak Rahman pulled up, the two of you quietly greeted him and got in, buckled up and the ride went smoothly without any small talks from the two of you. It was as if the two of you knew to leave each other alone, mulling in your own worries, and completely understood the unspoken assignment.

After a short 30 minutes’ drive, probably so due to the lack of traffic, Pak Rahman pulled up at a small parking lot in a small village. There were maybe another car or two there, but no tourist busses. He gave both of you a hiking stick and a head torch, asking the two of you to stay close to him. He was casually dressed in his slacks and some sandals, a simple bag slung on his shoulders, while you and the Grump looked like typical tourists, complete with hats and boots and gloves, not to mention backpacks laden with bottled water, snacks and towels.

The trail was not a difficult one, it wasn’t even a long one, maybe 30 minutes of steady incline, but even before sunrise, the humidity got to you and the Grump. Pak Rahman was patient, waiting for the two of you to catch up, hardly out of breath as you and the Grump were steadily breathing heavier and heavier as you went along. The Grump stayed with you, offering you a helping arm every now and again, asking you if you were okay once or twice, but other than that, he was quiet.

When you got to the top, you each took a spot of your own, away from each other, drinking from your bottles, waiting for the sunrise. You didn’t have to wait long, before you could even finish that second bottle, the sky lightened, the black turned to deep, dark blue, before turning greenish, then yellowish, tinged with the slightest of pink, before the orange hues of sunrise blossomed from the horizon, clear and unobstructed from the top of that small hill.

It was magnificent.

It was so quiet up there you could almost hear the sun say hello.

So quiet, your thoughts soon became so loud, you couldn’t ignore them.

You could’ve been here with him. The man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Suddenly, you realized that you didn’t know how he would react to this. You had no knowledge of what this man’s preference would have been. Would he have enjoyed this? He didn’t even want to walk the farmer’s market with you. You always went alone. He went with you once, but the sight of the crowd made him change his mind, and he waited in the car for you instead.

Your holidays had been in cities. But when discussing the honeymoon, he asked you to surprise him, which in turn, surprised you. So you chose Bali, going all out to make it the best honeymoon you could have. Now that you thought about it, he might not even like Bali. He didn’t even want to go to your Dad’s beach house. When you did, he stayed at the house.

So why the fuck did you choose Bali?

God, did you even know him?

Suddenly you felt stupid. You actually thought you were happy. You thought he was the man of your dreams. It took that text this morning, those cruel words from him for your rose-coloured glasses to come off. Cause while you thought you were happy, he thought you were with someone else. And he was so shady about the whole thing you didn’t even know who he was talking about, what evidence he had.

You didn’t have that many friends. The happy life you thought you had was his – his friends, his family. And now, when you go back home, you would be alone. None of the gang you used to hang out with had contacted you since the wedding. You had no idea if they knew the whole story, but if they did, they clearly believed him and was taking his side, or if they didn’t, they didn’t care enough about you in the first place to check on you.

And right now, you couldn’t decide which was worse.

You were brought out of your own thoughts when you were having trouble breathing. You were practically sobbing, alone by the tree you had chosen to hide yourself from others. The sun had come out now, the view so glorious, you decided to put Andrew and your failed attempt at happiness at the back of your mind for now and enjoy yourself. Not like you were going to come back anytime soon. You wiped your face clean, finished your water, and got up to see the Grump doing the same from his chosen tree.

Like yours, his face told a story. His eyes were red, his face rather splotchy. You handed him a wet wipe, which he gratefully accepted, thanking you, before cleaning his own face and finishing his water.

“You okay?” you asked him, tentative in your tone, unsure if he wanted you to notice his state of mind.

He nodded a little, “You?”

You nodded.

“Ready to go?” Pak Rahman asked.

“You know any good breakfast spot?” the Grump asked him, and he happily nodded, leading the way down.

By the time you got back to the car, you felt a lot better. The Grump did too, apparently, laughing with you on the way down as he told you about the little frog that kept him company on his lap as he watched the sunrise, only realizing its presence when the sun was fully up.

“You should’ve kissed it. Maybe it was your soulmate in disguise,” you said, as he guffawed at the thought. Pretty sure it was poisonous, he said.

Breakfast was delicious, and Pak Rahman smiled as he went off to get the car, having noticed that the two of you were eating off each other’s plates as if you had done so your entire lives.

**********

On your drive back, you noticed one of the soap shops you had googled, and begged Pak Rahman to stop, only to find that the shop wasn’t open for a few more hours. We could come back later, the Grump said to you, as if it was the most natural thought to him, that the two of you would return together, and not you alone. He seemed to have clocked your thought and quickly backtracked, telling you that his brother and your friend could join you, he was sure they would like to see the town a little bit too?

And that was how the four of you ended up back at the shop after having the most amazing lunch by an actual paddy field in the middle of what passed as downtown Bali, your tummies too full to even stand straight, you and Maria were basically leaning on each other as you entered the shop. The two men went to another shop, one that sold furniture, of all things, and stayed there for quite a while.

Now that you knew you were not going back to that house, you decided that you were going to buy all the soap you wanted anyway. Maybe you’ll find another place that had an amazing bathroom, and you could fill that little bathtub Ethan got you with all these amazing smelling soaps. You took one of every colour and smell you could find, not to mention lotions and shower gels and oils. You were going to be surrounded by this nice vacation at your new home if it was the last thing you did.

When Tommy and the grump returned, they were a little taken aback by the weight of your shopping bags, Maria quickly explaining that you were a soap hound, joking how easy it was to shop for you. Soap. And you would be happy. The men dropped off your shopping with Pak Rahman before going with you and Maria to sight see a little bit, Tommy and Maria walking ahead of you and the Grump, looking very comfortable with each other.

You found a shaded spot by the beach Maria and Tommy were drawn to, the Grump sitting with you, handing you a cold bottle of water.

“I want to thank you for this morning,” he said. You looked at him, perplexed. What did he mean? “You could’ve pried, but you didn’t.”

Ah… he meant the splotchy face and the wet wipes.

“Thank you for not prying on me either,” you said. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way.”

“You didn’t,” he said, shaking his head a bit. “I didn’t make you uncomfortable, did I?”

You shook yours.

“When are you leaving?” he asked.

“Sunday.”

He nodded, “Friday,” he said, when you looked at him questioningly.

You didn’t know why, exactly, but it made you feel sad.

“I can’t be away too long. This trip was… spur of the moment. Needed to get away,” he explained. “Turns out, I couldn’t get away if I tried,” he mumbled, looking away, taking a drink from his bottle.

“I know what you mean.”

He looked at you, eyebrows raised.

“Same old, same old, came here to be free off certain things back home, but with technology… home came right with you.”

“Tell me about it.”

The two of you were quiet for a beat.

“Listen, I was wondering if you would spend some time with me tomorrow? Before I leave Friday? I have a feeling my brother and your friend are going to be busy,” he said, raising his chin at your friend, who was now busily lip locked with Tommy.

You snorted, shaking your head a little.

“Sure, why not?”

“I’m Joel, by the way, Joel Grump,” he said, offering his massive hand to you.

Why not? You were single now, right?

“Aria, Aria Grump.” You shook his hand, and the two of you said hi to each other, remarking on the similar last names, laughing as you did.

“Light dinner tonight? I’ll make the reservations,” he said.

Sure, why the hell not?

The two of you enjoyed a some light dinner at one of the bars at the hotel that night, your best friend and Tommy busy somewhere else. The bar had a live band, and seeing as it was still early, played some slow rock and old classic songs. You and Joel somehow managed to avoid talking personal life stuff, sharing music preferences and memories of your youth listening to the songs your Dads listened to.

Heck, you two were comfortable enough to sit side by side with your shoulders touching, swaying together to the gentle music, speaking into each other’s ears, his beard and moustache giving you goosebumps as he did.

Such a difference to that first night you spent with him.

He walked you to your room, telling you he will see you at breakfast, and you closed the door realizing that you were very much looking forward to his company the next day.

**********

You woke up to a text from Maria, telling you that she was safe, was alive, and that she would see you Friday – as in, after Tommy had left. You laughed, shaking your head a little at your friend’s obvious crush on Tommy. Well, at least one of you was having a nice vacation.

You had breakfast with Joel, taking plates of different foods from the buffet, sharing them with him. You didn’t know why, but you felt very comfortable very quickly with him. He wasn’t pushy, was gentle, kind, and funny, despite your nickname for him.

Pak Rahman, reliable as ever, took you to another part of town today. You and Joel walked around, him holding the massive umbrella Pak Rahman had supplied him over your heads. You had lunch together, again, unconsciously sharing your meals together, before perusing more shops to spend your money in, him pointing out the different hand made soap shops along the way, patiently following you with a basket while you tried hard to refrain from buying everything your eyes landed on.

You found a massage spot, where they apparently gave very good foot massages. Although reluctant, Joel agreed to get one with you, cringing next to you as the tiny lady massaged his feet with powers beyond his imagination. At one point, he was so taken aback by the pressure the lady had used on him he grabbed your hand for support, his forehead sweating from pain, letting go of your hand only when the massage was over, sulking good naturedly as you laughed at him.

“Give me a break,” he pouted, “It’s my first massage ever,” he said.

“You cannot tell me that did not feel good.”

He cringed slightly, his shoulder raised, but finally conceded that his feet, which had been hurting from the hike and all the walking around Bali, did feel a lot better. But he drew a line when you suggested a head and shoulder massage, blushing a little. He shook his head as you paid for the massages, mumbling to himself that it took travelling to Bali for him to find someone convincing enough to make him try a massage, and he didn’t even get to pay for it.

The two of you spent the rest of the day enjoying each other’s company before going back to the hotel. You two actually walked into the lobby laughing, hearts light from a fabulous day spent together. Pak Rahman told Joel he would be waiting for Joel at 9.00am to take him and his brother to the airport, and for you to just call him if you needed a lift anywhere.

And just like that, your smiles were wiped off your faces, and your hearts felt heavy again. The elevator ride to your suite was quiet. You wanted to cry.

Silly woman, you didn’t even know him. He could be a psycho, for all you knew. You lived with Andrew for three years, and you had just found out how petty he could be. Let’s not delude yourself to think this Joel Grump could be any different. And with your luck, he could be gay for all you knew.

He walked you to your door, placing your shopping bags just inside.

“Well, any chance I’ll see you at breakfast?” he asked. You may have been imagining it, but there was a hopeful tone to his question.

“Maybe,” you said, nodding.

“Okay,” he said. “See you then?”

“Okay.”

And with that, he turned around and left, his own shopping bags flung over his shoulder.

**********

You stood with your head on the door for a while. You didn’t want to say goodbye to him. But what were you supposed to do? You didn’t know him from Adam. But your heart kept telling you to go to him, get his number, his last name, anything. Anything that didn’t mean goodbye tomorrow.

‘Are you crazy?’ your mind screamed at your heart. ‘You just broke up with someone. You were supposed to be on your honeymoon. And if things go bad, what then? If he knew where to find you, what the fuck were you going to do to get away from him?’

‘But he could be nice,’ your heart coaxed. ‘Not all men are bad,’ it said.

‘And mothers and sisters are supposed to be selfless and loving but look at ours. With our luck, he might break our heart tonight.’

You peeled yourself away from the door, taking the shopping bags into your room, depositing them on the bed and went in to take a shower. When you came out, clad in a bathrobe, you tipped one of the bags’ contents onto your bed, and a slew of coconut shell ashtrays and keychains fell out.

Wait a minute, you didn’t buy these.

They must be Joel’s.

You should return them.

‘But you didn’t know where his room was. Just the floor,’ your mind said.

‘There are only so many rooms on each floor. Try them all!’ your heart defended.

‘Or you could just return them to him at breakfast tomorrow. Or better yet, leave them with the reception, they’ll return them,’ your mind supplying more logical excuses for you to not give in to your heart’s desire.

Yeah, you could just go down to the lobby and ask the reception to return them to him.

So you quickly got dressed, spritzed some perfume on, you never know, you didn’t want to smell bad in the elevator, and walked out of the room.

As you entered the elevator, your finger automatically pressed his floor number. Oh well, might as well, your heart said, but you could feel your mind banging its head on the wall.

The elevator door opened, and you stepped outside, only to come face to face with Joel, who looked freshly showered, holding a shopping bag in his hand.

He looked flustered, “Erm, I took one of your bags by mistake,” he said, offering the bag to you.

“Yeah, I came to return one of yours,” you told him, offering it to him, feeling yourself turn red.

As the exchange happened, your fingers brushed, and he took a step closer to you.

Fuck he smelled so good.

Fuck, you smelled so good.

And just like that, both of you surged towards each other, shopping bags banging on your backs, lips locked, devouring each other, as he backed you to his room, growling frustratedly as he tried again and again to unlock the door with his card, to no avail.

“That’s your credit card,” you said, licking his neck.

“Fuck!” he almost screamed, producing the right card and finally opening the door.

The two of you laughed as you stumbled inside, him kicking the door shut, immediately backing you towards the bed, both shopping bags discarded on the floor.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” he asked, “I’ve never done this before, not with a practical stranger,” he continued, before asking again if you were sure.

You could only nod before your lips found his again. Fuck, he’s a good kisser. The two of you fell on his bed, hands tearing at each other’s clothes, before he stopped and looked you in the eyes. By the time he kissed you again, the urgency of the situation was gone, gentle, slow kisses took it’s place, as your hands caressed each other’s bodies, nice and slow.

‘What are you doing?’ you mind screamed.

‘Oh, lighten up, he’s hot and we’re on holiday, besides, it felt right,’ your heart protested.

Oh, fuck it. You only lived once, you thought, as his kisses moved from your lips to your neck, your eyes closed at the sensation, enjoying what would become your first one night stand.

**********

You woke up to Joel spooning you, his breaths slow and steady on your neck.

Fuck last night was amazing. You could say, without a shadow of a doubt – that was the best sex you’d ever had. 'Which one exactly? The first one, the second? The third?', your heart asked, while your mind rolled its eyes. All of them, you thought. All of them was the best sex you’d ever had, all better than the last.

You turned to face him, and he very quickly engulfed your entire body in his arms, nose unconsciously nuzzling the top of your head as he did so.

Why did you feel so comfortable with him? Took you months to be comfortable enough with Andrew to sleep with him, going back to your own rented apartment night after night to sleep. And yet, here you were, just, cozy and at home in this stranger’s arms.

And you were going to savour it.

He asked you if he could have your number last night, but you said you needed to think about it. He gave you his card, which you placed on your nightstand face down without looking at it, giving in to his caresses for round three.

His phone rang, and he quickly turned to get it off his nightstand, unaware you were awake. You saw the lit up screen in the darkened room.

It was a FaceTime request, from ‘Tess’, a picture of a beautiful, smiling woman accompanying it.

Your heart stilled. You closed your eyes, pretending to still be asleep as he got up, turning his head to look at you as he quickly extracted himself out of the bed as gently as he could, wrapping his bathrobe around his middle, answering the call as he made his way out to the balcony.

“Hi Baby,” he cooed, as he slid the balcony door closed behind him. "Yeah, I'm up. I miss you," you heard him mumble just as the door closed shut.

Fuck. He had someone waiting for him at home. A Tess. A Tess whom he missed. A Tess whom he called Baby.

You had never gotten dressed so quickly in your life. You heard him laugh with this Tess from the balcony, making your heart clench. You picked up the shopping bag, making sure it was yours, and looked at the card he gave you, still face down on the night stand, deciding to leave it.

Just as well.

You couldn’t help yourself from peeking through the slit in the curtain as his laugh became clearer and clearer, crooning a soft, delicate bye to this Baby of his, telling her he loved her. You saw a gorgeous woman on his phone screen, laughing along with him.

You couldn’t stand it anymore. You picked up your shoes and ran out, taking the stairs up to the next floor for the elevator, lest he caught up with you, feeling stupider than you had ever felt in your entire life, and that was saying something.

‘I told you so,’ your mind chastised.

Yeah, mind, yeah, you did.

---

Part 4

#joel miller x reader #the last of us fanfiction #joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #tlou fanfiction #joel miller x you

41 notes · View notes

kingofpopmj · 11 months ago

Text

Conscious Decision

Part 8

July 21st, 1988

*Y/N’s POV*

I felt myself sinking deeper into the mattress the longer I laid here. I couldn’t bring myself to move let alone open my eyes. I had just spent a fourth night sleeping alone after our wedding day— well what should’ve been. Now, more than ever I felt the most connected to him. I could feel his sadness, pain and fear. It felt like a malicious joke. It’s been four whole days without him, yet the hold he had on my heart and mind was stronger than ever. He had me even though I was fighting it, but that was a joke too, because I wasn’t putting up much of a fight anyway.

“Do you want to join the girls and I today? We’re going into town.” Janet jumped onto my bed, propping herself up on her elbows.

“I think I would much rather lay here all day. The sun is too bright and the birds are singing too loud. Who was that on the phone?”

“I’m glad to see you’re still as optimistic as ever. Y/N, you know who it was.” She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, playing with the ends of her hair. “Come on. You can’t stay in the room another day. You have to get out. Come with us, it’ll be fun!”

“The phone has been ringing nonstop for hours. That was all him?”

“Yes. Can we change the subject now?”

“What did he say?” I rolled onto my side, staring at her impatiently.

“Okay, we’re still on this. This isn’t a good idea. I don’t think me telling you everything that little twerp said will help.”

“It’s that bad?”

“No. I mean it’s the usual, he wants me to tell you all this mushy stuff and he’s asking when he can see you. He doesn’t sound too good.”

“I miss him.”

“I know.”

“I’m just so mad at him.” I huffed, sitting up and crossing my legs. I didn’t want to go on like this much longer. I don’t want to be angry anymore.

“I know.”

“I love him.” I let out a deep breath, trying to fight the urge to cry again.

“Yeah, no shit.” Janet rolled her eyes and for the first time in days I laughed with her. A genuine laugh and it felt amazing.

“You’re so annoying.”

“Do you want to see him?” She crossed her arms, staring at me with a weird look on her face.

“Yes, but I don’t know if I should want to see him.”

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“That depends. Is it mean?”

“No! I’m never mean!” She flung her legs to hang off the side of the bed, exhaling dramatic as ever, “We all know this isn’t the end. What he did was— he’s an ass for doing it, but he hasn’t really had the chance to explain. I mean no damn explanation will ever make up for it— he’s still an idiot, but maybe it’ll give you the necessary closure to move forward together or move on separately. You guys are going to move on from this one way or another, because even though my brother is king of the fools and doesn’t deserve you— I mean seriously you’re so out of his league he’s lucky you even look his way. I swear the fucking nerve. You’re the whole damn package and he ain’t shit— he’s lucky he met you when you were kids. He had years to soften you up. Now, you see his goofiness as endearing, instead of what it truly is. A big ass red flag!” She took a deep breath, before going on. “Anyways, for some insane reason he won you over. You love him. And as much as I hate him right now, I have to cut his the tiniest shred of slack. Michael doesn’t have much— well any experience with relationships, he’s never tried to understand them for anyone but you. It’s unknown territory. He’s never cared enough about a person to explore a relationship. No one measured up because there is only one you. You’ve had his heart since the beginning— his stupid little heart. In his mind, the definition of love is you. Love equals Y/N. That’s the only way it’s comprehensible to him— the only way it’s real in his eyes. Besides this, he’s done a decent job being your guy— I mean this was a huge deal, it was your fucking wedding, so maybe that erases all the things he did right. I’m not sure. I haven’t decided yet.” She stood up, walking back and forth along the rug, her arms waving in the air as she spoke. “What I’m trying to say is, he’s got his crusty little nails dug into you and he’s not going to let go. Not without a fight and I’m telling you as his little sister, Michael can take a lot of hits. He won’t give up easily. I don’t know what he’d do if he lost you and honestly I’m hoping I don’t have to find out, but I’ll support you in whatever you decide. I believe he’s truly sorry. Maybe you’ll feel better when you hear his side. I think, if you really want to see him, you should.”

“Wow. That was the sweetest, meanest thing you’ve ever said about Michael.”

“I try.” She shrugged, giggling at her own sarcasm.

“What time are you leaving? Should I call him?”

“In an hour. Relax. That little fool will call again and when he does I’ll let him know.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll give him a piece of my mind too just to scare him.”

“Janet.”

“I’m going to tell him you packed up and went back home.” She laughed like a hyena, jumping off the bed only to fall over. “Oh, he’d probably cry.”

“Please don’t make him cry.”

“What! You did! Why can’t I?” An uncomfortable silence followed and her expression shifted along with it. “Shit. I’m sorry that was too soon.”

“It’s okay. I just— it sucks that this is our reality.”

“It’ll take time, but this will all be worth it in the end. It’ll be—” The telephone rang loudly as we stared at each other, slowly directing our attention to the piercing noise. “I’ll get that.” She smiled, looking over at me one last time. “Are you sure?” She asked with her palm resting on the telephone.

“Yes. I’m positive.”

*Michael’s POV*

“Michael.” My younger sister’s annoying voice came from the other end.

“Hi.” Suddenly, I was very aware of how many calls I’ve made to this number, but I didn’t care enough to be embarrassed about it.

“So, what’s up?” She was teasing me, I could imagine her at this very moment, smiling deviously with her hand on her hip.

“My blood pressure. How— how is she?”

“The same as she was fifteen minutes ago.”

“Okay.”

“How are you?” Her tone changed, I could tell she was being sincere. “Brother, you can talk to me, are you okay?”

“No.” I answered honestly. “I ruined everything. I thought I knew why. I thought it was the right thing. I just wanted to protect her. I don’t know how to exist knowing that any second I could lose the one person that makes it— that gives my existence purpose.”

“Damnit Michael.” She huffed loudly.

“What? What is it?”

“I’m trying to be mad at you right now and you go say that?” I could hear her pacing as she let out a sad chuckle. “Now, you have me crying like a baby. You know what, you shouldn’t be allowed to talk. Let me be mad at you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re so annoying. Always saying the perfect thing. You damn poet.”

“I’m—”

“She’s in the shower.” Janet quickly interrupted me. “She’s getting ready.”

“Oh. Well, that’s good she’s going to get out and do something. She deserves to be happy.”

“Michael, listen to me and listen carefully. Y/N is really fragile right now. She’s strong, but that doesn’t mean she’s indestructible. What happened— what you did, it messed her up. It’s triggered things in her that I don’t think she even knew existed. She’s cried so much, I didn’t know it was humanly possible to produce that many tears. You freaking jerk. Seriously, I don’t even— I love you, but damn I’m really struggling to be nice to you right now. I don’t understand why you did this, but I’m not the one you owe that explanation to. Michael, I want to help, but in order to do that I’m gonna need you to get your head out of your ass. I’ll do everything I can to help you get your girl back. Let me help you, no more stupid shit. It’s going to be difficult, but I believe it’s possible to get past this. It’s possible if you don’t go rouge again. You only get one chance with me. Brother, I promise, you so much as breathe in the wrong direction and I’ll knock you on your ass.”

“I know. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry, I truly am. I wish I could do it all over again and do it right. Thanks, you saying it’s possible for us to get past this is the best thing I’ve heard in days. I’ll be good I swear, I wouldn’t want to feel the wrath of Janet.” I rolled over in bed, trying to ignore the tickle in my throat. “You should take her to The British Museum or St. Paul’s Cathedral, she’d love those. I can make a few calls and get you guys a tour guide or passes. Whatever you guys need.”

“Okay, on one condition.”

"You’re a pain in my ass. What’s the condition?"

"You should be the one to take her."

“She doesn’t want to see me. I’d ruin her day. I’ll be lucky if she ever wants to see me again.”

“Well, it’s your lucky day. Why else do you think she’s getting ready?”

“Are you being serious? Because this would be a really mean joke.” I sprung up from my previous position, kicking off the layers of covers weighing me down. “We’ve been on the phone for ten minutes and you’re just now telling me?”

“Yes.”

“She really wants to see me?” This must be what Christmas morning feels like.

“She really does.”

“She really does?”

“Yes. Okay, I have one more thing to say. Michael, I love you and I love Y/N. I love both of you so damn much, together and as individuals. You guys getting together is— it was so awesome. She’s been family for so long. We were all excited when you two finally made it work. I don’t know it just felt like, you know, like it all fell into place. Fuck, this is hard. Look, I’ll do whatever I can to lead you two back to one another, because right now it’s evident that you both want that, but I’m going to do whatever is best. So, if I get even a sliver of a feeling that Y/N doesn’t want this, no matter how much it’ll hurt, I’ll support her. If she decides at any point she needs to walk away from you, I’ll be there for her. That’s never going to change. I’ll be here for both of you, just separately.”

“I understand.”

“Okay.”

“I have to get ready. It's actually such a relief that it’ll be the three of us.” I said, the nerves were quick to take over my body as I tried to think of what to say to her. What can I say to her? Janet being there will definitely take the edge off.

“Is thirty minutes enough time for you?”

“I could get ready in five minutes with the way I’m feeling right now.”

“Good. Oh, by the way, this morning mom and the girls invited Y/N and I to go out with them. It’s a nice day to do some sightseeing, don’t you think? Yeah. Well, I’m still going with them, so it’ll just be the two of you. Y/N’s expecting you to pick her up from my room. Don’t be late! Bye!” She spoke so fast I could barely process it.

“Wait!—”

“Gotta go! Kisses!”

She giggled wickedly, hanging up on me without another word. I swear she lives to watch me squirm. I dropped the phone and watched as it hung by the wire, bouncing up and down before stopping all together. I rubbed my eyes as I got out of bed for the first time in four days. My room, that was once our room, was dark and stuffy and to my mother’s dismay I refused to let her tidy up. It looked like how I felt on the inside. I deserved to be surrounded by darkness and disarray. My body ached as I dragged my feet over to the bathroom, turning on the water and waiting for it to warm up which felt like an eternity.

My mind wandered to Y/N, stepping into the tub felt so lonely, everything felt empty without her. I never truly understood how integral she was to my life. I don’t have many friends, many people I can trust, she’s the small piece of normalcy in my life.

“I’m not sure where you go from here, but you’re going to have to accept the fact that it’ll be without her.”

My brother’s words echoed in my head as I felt that sensation, the one that has quickly taken control of me often since that day. The one I couldn’t escape regardless of how hard I fought.

The sound of blood pounded in my ears. My heart collided against my chest with force. My hands began trembling beyond control. My vision growing more distorted, I tried to blame it on the steam from the shower, but I knew better. I had to get away. I couldn’t stay stuck in this bathroom any longer. I needed out.

I unintentionally ripped the curtain off the rod while reaching for my towel. I leaned against the cold tiled wall, fighting to fill my lungs with air. I was almost there. I can do this. All I had to do was breathe. If I held on a little longer I’d see her. I’d be with her soon if I just held it together. I can do this. The tightness in my chest, loudly told me otherwise. Shit. Quickly, stumbling over furniture to reach the phone, I dialed numbers, in the same order that I had been for the past few days. Maybe, I need to hear her voice. That’s it. That’s what I need. I just need to hear her voice and that’ll help ease my mind. That’ll help me breathe. The phone didn’t ring long and that voice filled my ears. The voice that consumed my thoughts and dreams the past four days. The voice I couldn’t function without.

“Hello?”

It’s her. It’s Y/N.

My Y/N.

*Y/N’s POV*

I lifted my purse, hanging it off of my shoulder as I contemplated which heels to wear. It was almost embarrassing how emotional it felt to see him again. As hurt as I was, I think I missed him more. I knew I missed him more. The phone rang obnoxiously, startling me, yet still, I practically danced over to it. Thankfully, Janet had already left or else I would never hear the end of it. I was confident that I’d hear his sweet voice on the other end and as much as I didn’t want to admit it out loud. I couldn’t wait.

“Hello?”

I held the phone close to my ear, waiting to hear him.

“Hello? Michael, is that you?” A deep rooted emotion began to flood my senses. One that I hadn’t felt in a long time, one that I had hoped I’d never feel again.

“Michael?” The faint sound of wheezing was the only response I got. It was all I needed.

I didn’t think twice. I didn’t say anything else. I took off in a sprint. As fast as I was moving it still felt too slow. When I reached the stairwell, the images from years ago flashed through my mind. As my hands gripped the cold steel railings, I remembered the feeling of the shattered pieces I cleaned off the floor that night. The damp remnants left on my shoulder from his tears all those years ago, causing my body to run cold at the memory.

Finally, I reached his level, running down the hall and colliding with his front door. I was so worried I forgot to slow down. My hands struggled with the zipper of my purse, so I tore it open and dumped its contents onto the floor. The small silver key called to me. I yanked it off the patterned carpet, unlocking the door and shoving it open.

I didn’t have to walk much further into the room before my eyes landed on him. Michael, curled up in a fetal position, a towel wrapped around his waist and his wet hair clinging to his face.

“Hey.” I whispered, gently touching his head. “I’m here. It’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.” I sat beside him as he pulled himself into my lap, his head resting on my thighs and I stroked his hair. “Just breathe. I’m here.”

“I— I ca— can’t.” The sadness in his voice tugged at my heart. I’d never heard it so broken before. I could tell he was scared. My presence wasn’t enough, he needed a little more.

“Focus on my voice.” I spoke calmly, lying down next to him. “Remember that night we snuck out to go camping?”

He didn’t respond, I didn’t expect him to. He had a strong hold on me as we laid close to one another. I could feel how lost he was in his thoughts. I needed to bring him back to me.

“I was so excited walking over to your house that night. I’ll never forget seeing you jump out of your bedroom window, you fell right on your butt. When you saw me, you shot up to your feet and acted like it didn’t hurt, you insisted that you were fine even though you were limping.”

This time I felt a slight nod from Michael, so I continued on.

“You brought the blankets and I brought the snacks. We had prepared all week for that night. I couldn’t wait to be with you, I wanted to stay up all night just to spend more time together. You spent four hours wrestling with the tent, because it wouldn’t stay up, you were so mad. We ended up sharing a sleeping bag and lying directly on the grass with no shelter, so we had a nice view of the sky. It worked out if you ask me, it’s the reason I love stargazing. You knew how much I loved s’mores, so you built a little fire in that empty soup can. It worked for a while too, until you—”

“It was you.” He spoke, gently interrupting my storytelling.

“Michael, we go over this every time. You kicked it.”

“Sweetheart, I love you, but you knocked it over reaching for the marshmallows.”

“Agree to disagree.” I laughed at our refusal to accept blame.

“You’re barefoot.”

“I wasn’t finished getting ready when you called. Then, I heard you, so I dropped everything and ran. I tried to get to you as fast as I could.”

“You got here at the perfect time.” He assured me, his voice was soothing as I felt his smile against my forehead. “Thank you.”

“I’m glad I could help.”

“I was so nervous that night. I used some of Jackie’s aftershave, I had Janet help me fix my hair and Latoya dressed me. That was going to be the night.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was going to tell you how I felt. How I truly felt.”

“Really?” I adjusted my head to see his face. He smiled back at me, resting his back flat on the floor and pulling me to rest on his chest.

“I had my speech memorized.” I looked down, studying the ring on my finger, all the while I felt his eyes on me. “I was going to start off by telling you what an incredible best friend you are, how beautiful, kind and loving you are. How I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”

“We were thirteen.” I whispered.

“Yeah, we were, but I already knew.” I calmly started to move away from him, but he stopped my movements. “Y/N, I love you. I always have. I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“Michael—”

“I don’t want to live my life without you.” I closed my eyes as I felt him touch my cheek, his fingers were soft and I couldn’t help but lean into his touch. Old habits die hard. “I can’t live without you.” He murmured, all my worries melted away, long enough to feel how well we fit together. The tenderness of his lips sparked a warmth in my heart and an urgent need throughout my body. Our connection grew stronger the further we went. I looked up at him, watching him settle in between my legs. He placed his hand on my denim covered thigh, inching up to unbutton my bottoms. The effect of his touch quickly shifted, unleashing a wave of anxiety rather than pleasure.

“Y/N, look at me.” Janet grabbed my shoulders, giving me no choice, but to stop avoiding reality.

“He’s really not coming.” I spoke softly, I sounded lifeless. “I can’t believe he did this. How could he do this?”

Michael lingered above me, his lips curved slightly before I felt them on my neck and that’s when it hit me.

“Where were you?” I asked him.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m here now. And, I’m so sorry for being late.”

“You stood me up on our wedding day. I’d hope it would matter a little bit.”

I felt my body tense up as his moved against mine. Michael slowly pushed my top down my shoulder, hooking his finger underneath my bra strap. I became extremely aware of where this was going and it consumed me with panic.

I’m suffocating.

“Michael—”

“I missed hearing you say my name.”

“Michael. Wait. Stop!” I pushed him off of me harder than I intended to. It was abrupt, taking me by surprise as well. I felt like I was drowning and for the first time, Michael wasn't my life line.

“What is it? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do this.”

“Oh?” He readjusted his towel and looked at me as if he was asking me to explain further.

“Michael, I think I need time. We can’t act like it didn’t happen.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to go change and get some shoes on.” I smiled at him half-heartedly, gesturing to the wet splotches now littering my outfit.

“Sorry, I dripped all over you.” He let out a soft chuckle.

“It’s alright—”

“Wait.” His hand wrapped around my wrist, keeping me from escaping the awkward tension in the air. “Nothing I say, nothing I do is ever going to fix this, is it?”

“I— I don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“I think we have a better chance than most.” I whispered, trying to ease the pain of this situation.

“Can we still spend the day together?”

“I’d really like that.”

*Michael's POV*

Y/N met me in the lobby after she had left to change her outfit. I was speechless. Wow. She looked breathtaking. A long lacy black dress hugged her curves, it had an open neckline and see through sleeves that covered her arms. I could not stop staring as she walked over to me. Although, it felt more like she was floating. Wow. She paired it with deep red heels that matched the color of her lipstick. A black hat resting on top of her head, shielding her face if she looked down just enough.

“Hi.” She stood in front of me and still I couldn’t find the words.

“You– I– Wow. Hi.”

“Are you okay? We can stay in if you don’t feel up to going out. I know the panic attacks are—.” She whispered with a small comforting smile.

“No. No. I just– Wow. You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you. You look very handsome yourself.” Her fingers traced the red band around my arm. “I love that you still wear these.”

“I’ll always wear them. They remind me of you.” Y/N smiled, curling her fingers around my bicep as we exited the lobby.

The journey to the museum was uneventful. It was full of meaningless conversation and heart wrenching glances. When we arrived I did my best to look as normal as possible, instinctively, my hand rested on Y/N’s lower back, keeping her close to me. Old habits die hard. We were ushered through a side door and I was able to make arrangements, so we had a whole wing of the museum to ourselves. I knew she’d love it. I couldn’t wait to be alone with her again.

I gave Bill a subtle nod, swiftly he fell back, giving Y/N and I more privacy as we roamed. I admired the way her eyes scanned the canvas before us, the way she nibbled at her bottom lip as she tried to understand it and most importantly how close she stood to me. Our arms brushed one another, breathing in her perfume made it seem like it would all be okay.

"Thank you for bringing me here. Wow, look at this one. I love it." The deep colors of the painting in front of us, matching perfectly with her outfit. Again, I was watching her more than the art.

“I love you.”

“I lo—Me too.” She smiled sweetly, her hands clasped together in front of her as she walked over to the sculptures. I noticed how she couldn’t say those words back to me, although it hurt, I couldn’t blame her. As much as I wanted to hold her hand I knew she needed distance, but I couldn’t let her forget that I was going to fight for her.

“Y/N, I’m so in love with you. I need you to understand that.”

“Michael, I know. You’ve been reminding me all day.”

“I believe it’s nice to hear. You deserve to hear it. I enjoy reminding you.”

“Okay, that’s very sweet. Thank you.”

“I guess some people don’t enjoy professing their love like I do.” I snapped.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She stopped walking and turned to me, her left eyebrow arched as she waited for an answer.

"It means that I've been pouring my heart out to you and the only response I get from you is 'I know' or 'thank you’. What's going on, Y/N, do you not love me anymore?"

"Jesus Michael."

"Well, what is it? What else should I do? Do you not want to be with me anymore? Do you want me to take you back to the hotel? Right now, I feel like I’m the only one trying to fix this."

"You're the one who broke it!"

"Y/N, baby—”

"Don't call me that!" She pointed at me as her bottom lip quivered. No. Please don’t cry. I can’t handle seeing you cry.

“You think I don’t know that I caused this?”

“This was a bad idea.” She shook her head, spinning on her toes and quickly walking towards the exit. “I can’t believe I thought—”

“No, it wasn’t! No! Talk to me.” I ran to catch up to her, grabbing her arms and standing in front of her.

“Michael—”

“Tell me why you’re shutting me out!”

“I don’t want to do this here.”

“Tell me!”

“Michael, stop—”

“Talk to me damnit!”

“Stop yelling at me!” Our voices bounced off the walls, I could feel the anger in her words. She hated yelling, arguing wasn’t her way. Y/N always preferred to talk things through, so I took a deep breath and spoke.

“The only way we can fix this is to talk about it. I want to fix this. I need to fix this.”

“You didn’t show up.” She said simply, her eyes not meeting mine.

“I know.” My grip on her arms loosening as I watched her contemplating what to say next.

“It felt like our wedding meant nothing to you. It didn’t matter. I didn't matter. You just vanished and you made me feel so rejected. That was the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. I don’t understand why you did it.” Her cheeks now damp with tears as she fought to contain herself.

"I'm sorry. Y/N, I know I caused this. I know these are the consequences of what I did— I hate knowing I did this to you— It’s on me. You can’t say it— you can’t tell me you love me because I left on what should’ve been the most important day of our lives. I did that. I did it and I hate myself— I hate that you can barely look at me, but it’s my fault. I regret it with my whole heart. I should’ve shown up. I should’ve done it right. I should’ve made you my wife. I should’ve— I wish I did and I'm so sorry. I know I deserve it, I know I deserve for you to walk away for good but I’m still so afraid to lose you."

"The reason I haven't said it back isn't because I don’t love you."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you hurt me Michael. You hurt me in a way I never thought was possible. It was an unbearable pain that I never thought I'd have to endure, especially from you. That night, I didn't want to see you ever again, I thought I hated you, but you came to see me anyway. Once I saw you I forgot about that pain, I forgot about how angry I was, because all I wanted to do was run to you. All I wanted was for you to hold me and to forget everything that happened. Once I saw you, all was forgiven and when I heard your voice I was yours again."

"That's good. Right?"

"You don't understand." She shook her head, turning away from me, but I stopped her.

"Then explain it to me. Please."

"I love you so much that I'd forgive you without an apology, without an explanation. I love you so much that I'd accept pain as long as it meant that I'd still have you. I love you so much that l'd— I love you so much that I've allowed you to string me along all our lives."

“Y/N.”

“This isn’t the first time you’ve hurt my heart.” She wrapped her arms around her waist as if to hold herself together.

“Y/N, this is the worst thing I’ve ever done, I know that, but we have both hurt each other in the past. Maybe I’ve caused you more pain, but that doesn’t negate the pain I’ve felt.“ Once the words left my lips I regretted it. She’s never hurt me.

“Well, maybe we should just walk away now, try to save our friendship before it’s too late.”

“I don’t want to go back to that. You don’t want that. I can’t. Y/N, you’re who I belong with. It has always been us.”

“I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. We couldn’t survive anymore pain. We couldn’t. Even as friends.”

“Y/N, I need you to believe me. I rather slit my wrists than cause you pain. I will never hurt you again.”

“Again.” She muttered, “It used to be I will never hurt you. Period.” She uncrossed her arms, pushing her hair behind her shoulders.

“I know.”

“Michael, I’m so afraid.”

“Of what?”

“I’m afraid of forgiving you, but I’m petrified of not forgiving you.”

“Y/N—”

“Why?” She interrupted me, her lips sucked in between her teeth. She was struggling to keep herself from falling apart in front of me.

“Why what?”

“Why didn’t you show up?”

“I— I’m not sure.”

“Michael, please, answer the question.”

“I guess there were many reasons.”

“Many?” Her voice sounded helpless as she stepped further away from me. I never knew it was possible to see someone visibly crumble until now.

“Please. Baby— I mean Y/N, please don’t cry.”

“What were the reasons?”

“I’m not answering that.”

“Then, I’m leaving.”

“Stop! Please, stop walking away from me.” I ran, blocking her path, my hands cupped her face gently. “I know you don’t want to leave. I know you don’t mean it. I know you.”

“Yeah, you know me so well.” She rolled her eyes out of frustration, lifting her chin up and away from my grasp.

“Y/N, what do I need to do?”

“Please, just explain it to me, tell me the reasons.” I shook my head, looking down at the floor. “Why not?”

“Because I’m trying to fix us, not break us.” I tried holding her hand, surprisingly she let me.

“What does this look like to you? We’re already pretty broken.”

“Exactly. I don’t—”

“I need to know why in order to move forward. I need to know, so I can let it go. I need to know so I can try to forgive you.”

“I don’t see how that will help, it’s like you want me to hurt you. All day, you’ve kept me at a distance. You’ve barely looked at me. Have you thought about how that makes me feel?”

“Are you really trying to compare standing me up on our wedding day to me trying to figure out how to forgive you?”

“Are you trying to hurt me on purpose? Is this your way of getting back at me? Getting even?”

“If you truly think I’d do something like that, plan to hurt you as a way of evening out the playing field then you don’t know me like I thought you did. If that’s what you think, then we shouldn’t even be here right now.”

“It’s not. Y/N, I know you would never do that.”

“Then why’d you say it?”

“Because I’m frustrated. I fucked up. Okay? I really fucked up. I ruined this and I’m struggling to ignore the possibility of not being able to fix it.”

“Me too.”

“At least there’s one thing we agree on.”

“Yeah, little victories.” She smiled weakly, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“It’s difficult being so close to you yet feeling so damn far away.”

“Mhm.”

“I wish I could jump on my bike and ride down to Burger Grill. Your go-to order, a big bag of fries, a milkshake with extra whipped cream and cuddles from your favorite guy. When we were kids, that used to fix everything.”

“Yeah, but we aren’t kids anymore.” She pressed her hand against her belly as she attempted to calm her breathing. “Michael, I can’t jump back in right away. I want to fix this it’s just— I feel so vulnerable. I don’t want to feel pain like that ever again. It’s nerve wracking being with you, but I’m trying. I really am. I want to be close to you but my mind won’t let me. I think— I don’t know— It’s like everything inside of me is at war. My heart hurts, but wants you, wants to forgive you. My body aches, but wants to be held by you—” I knew if I let her go on she’d end up inconsolable.

“I didn’t show up because I want you to be happy. More anything in my entire life I want the best for you. I want you to enjoy life and never have to experience anything less than pure joy. I want you to have freedom. You said you needed to know, so here it is. When I was with Frank that day, he went on this rant about how your life was going to change and I wasn’t preparing properly.”

“Okay.” She gently squeezed my hand encouraging me to go on.

“He was right. You’ll be my wife. That’s all. You won’t be able to work and I know how much you love your job. You won’t be able to make a simple trip to the grocery store or anywhere really at least not by yourself and I know how much you value your independence. You won’t have any freedom. Your privacy will be gone in an instant.”

“That’s all?”

“Well, yeah. It’s not easy. I couldn’t forgive myself if something happened to you because those damn parasites were following you. The thought of you being dragged through the mud to the extent that I am— that thought killed me.”

“You could’ve come to me. We could’ve discussed it. Michael, I would’ve understood.”

“I know.”

“Why did you think that the solution was to not show up?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”

“Because!” I yelled again. This is not going the way I thought it would.

“Because what!” She snatched her hand away from mine, looking back at me like I wasn’t me anymore, like I was a stranger.

“Because I knew if I showed up, I knew if I saw you— I knew that we would be married right now. I can’t think straight when it comes to you. Damnit, Y/N, I’m selfish when it comes to you. I needed to think about it. I needed more time. I know now that I shouldn’t have let Frank get in my head. I should’ve shown up and married you like we planned. I should’ve married you that day because that’s all I’ve wanted my whole life. I’ve always wanted you. I will always need you. I was so in my head that day, scared to do the wrong thing and I ended up making the worst decision. I always try to do what’s best for you. I’ve always put you first. Everything I do is for you. Believe it or not, at the time, I stayed away for you.”

“Wow. My hero.” She turned to walk away from me. Again.

“Y/N! Stop! Damnit, you can’t ask me these questions and get pissed with my answer no matter what it is! That’s not fair!”

“You know what’s not fair! This!” She held up her left hand, the engagement ring, a bitter reminder of what never was. “It’s not fair that I can’t bring myself to take this off! It’s not fair that I made my peace with everything that came with being your wife. It’s not fair that I accepted how drastic my life would change and chose to embraced it because at the end of the day we were starting our new life together. It’s not fair that you didn’t think the positives of being together outweighed the negative like I did. It’s not fair— all the reasons that made me so excited to marry you, so sure you were my person, were the same ones you used to add to your list of reasons to run. That’s not fair!”

“You’re right. Shit, you’re right.”

“That’s the thing. Michael, I don’t want to be right. I want us, together, to be right. I don’t know how to do it. I want to fix it. I just don’t know where to start.”

“Y/N—” I spoke delicately, but didn’t get to finish my thought. I was cut off by her crashing into me, her head rested on my chest, her arms reluctantly wrapping around my waist. I didn’t allow myself to be shocked for too long. I held her with all I had, rubbing her back, gently swaying her and hoping this wasn’t the last time I’d ever hold her. “I think we need more of this. It could help.”

“Mhm.” Her gentle sniffles felt like a punch to the gut. “It’s not easy keeping you at a distance.”

“I've missed you.”

“I've missed you too. So much.” Her hands moved slowly up and down my back. This was nice. “Janet’s crazy.” She muttered.

“You’re barely realizing that?”

“I guess I’m late to the party. She’s the best though. She offered to steal all your left shoes and shrink your clothes.”

“She what?” I gasped as she laughed into my chest. It felt so good to have her close and to hear her laugh again.

“I haven’t taken her up on the offer yet.”

“Yet? Wow! How kind of you. I feel so protected.” We laughed, together, wrapped up in each other’s arms. The melody of our laughter carried up to the tall ceilings of the building. We were surrounded by exquisite artwork from all over the world, yet I could not take my eyes off of her. I only wanted to admire her. My Y/N.

“I’ll always protect you.” Her tone serious and for the first time since everything went wrong, she looked back at me, her eyes as beautiful as I remember, lips parted slightly, skin glowing like the stars on a summer night. I found myself hypnotized. Carefully, I closed the space between us, becoming painfully aware of how deprived I was of her touch, desperate to taste her tongue and feel her lips.

“Michael?”

“Yes, what is it?” I asked cautiously, hoping we could live in this moment longer.

“You could never keep your lips to yourself.” She smiled, reaching down and intertwining our fingers. I sensed that she wasn’t quite comfortable with a kiss, so I settled on leaving one on her cheek.

“Would you consider spending more time with me tomorrow?” I asked, feeling nervous all the sudden.

“I think I can clear my schedule for that.” She teased.

“I have some work to finish up in the morning before the show. It'd be fun for you to join me.”

“Would it be acceptable for me to be there?”

“Of course! Come with me! You can see all the behind the scenes stuff. If you want— I’d like you there— I mean if you don’t want to— I want you to be— well if you—”

“Michael, I’d love to.”

“It’s for Moonwalker.” I spoke, looking down at my feet to hide my shy smile.

“No way! You’re finally making it? That’s incredible babe! I can’t wait to see it.” My heart fluttered at the nickname. I was sure it slipped out, but I’ll take it. Little victories.

"Thank you. It’s been incredible so far. The script has come together nicely and I’ve been able to get almost everything I’ve envisioned brought to life.”

“That’s so exciting. I can’t believe I’m engaged to, what is it a quadruple threat? What can’t you do?” The way she looked at me was out of this world. If we weren’t in a public place I would’ve been all over her.

“You’re making me blush.”

“Mhm.” She moved closer to me, her soft lips connecting with my jawline. Her movements were so soothing. My eyes fell shut as she planted small kisses down my neck.

“I could get used to this.” I joked, she giggled, gently pushing me away.

“You always had that about you.”

“What?”

“The talent of being so damn adorable that I forget why I was angry in the first place.”

“We’re going to make it.” The corner of my lip curved up as I stretched my arm out to grab a hold of her. “Y/N, we’re going to make it. We have to make it.”

“We will make it.” She responded softly, rubbing tiny circles into my wrist with her thumb.

We stood in an empty hallway, smiling at each other like two lovesick kids. It was a nice change. It was a moment filled with hope.

“I have a surprise for you.” An excited smile graced her face at my statement. I led her out to a small courtyard, where I’d set up a romantic lunch date for us.

“This is beautiful.” We walked down a small path surrounded by flowers and a small pond. She was practically jumping up and down. It was perfect.

“My lady.” I grinned, sliding out her chair for her.

“Why thank you.”

We sat enjoying our meal. I noticed Y/N had stopped eating a few minutes ago. She was in her head I could tell, so I did my best to let nature take its course. I couldn’t push her. I needed to let her work through it at her pace.

“Michael.”

“Yes?” She didn’t respond, instead she stood up from her seat and took a few steps over to my side of the table. “Y/N, is everything—” she paid no mind to my worry, carefully she sat on my thigh, her legs finding a place in between my own. Her arm slid across my shoulders, her gaze focused on me and a shy expression on her face.

“Michael?”

“Yes?”

“Could you, could you kiss me?” She asked nervously, like she thought there was the slightest possibility I would say no. I’d never say no.

“Y—yes, of course.” Nerves I never knew existed were now running through me at an alarming rate. My hands were trembling as I placed them on her. The moisture in my eyes suddenly disappeared, making me blink rapidly which I’m sure looked anything but normal. I removed my hat, placing it on the table and taking an audible deep breath. I must have been taken way too long because she spoke up again.

“I’m sorry. It’s okay. If you aren’t comfortable.” She shifted her body away from me, so I wrapped my arms around her. “I don’t know what came over me.”

“No.” I pulled her into me, her back pressed up against my chest.

“No?” She turned slightly to look at me and that’s when I kissed her.

Our lips laced together, perfectly, but only for a moment. We parted slowly, the kiss obviously had her feeling the same way I did. This was where I was supposed to be. Our gaze unfaltering, heavy with emotion and conveying the longing we had for each other. At the same time, the space between us disappeared and our bodies melted into one another. Eagerly, I grabbed her by the back of her neck and smashed my lips onto hers. Our connection deepening as her hands found a place at the back of my head.

As my fingers sunk into her hips, everything else faded away.

The only thing that could separate us, the only thing that could disrupt this moment was a tornado or maybe an earthquake. Neither of us wanted to be the first to pull away. We didn’t want this moment to be cut short. We wanted to soak in every piece of it because it was glorious.

“Michael!”

“A few minutes of peace was too good to be true.” She smiled against my lips, her hand sliding down to my chest and clenching a fist full of my shirt.

“Damn Bill. Should I— yeah I’m going to fire him. We’ll never be interrupted again.” I kissed her again, harder this time. Her giggles being replaced by soft moans. Oh, shit. We’re about to do it in the courtyard of a museum.

“Michael!”

“Son of a—”

“There seems to be a problem. I’m sorry to interrupt—” he stopped dead in his tracks, looking at us suspiciously before shaking his head and rolling his eyes. “Kids, there are windows everywhere!” He started pointing them out all around us. “You’re outside! In broad daylight!Anyone could see you two!”

“It’s fine. We weren’t doing anything.” I shrugged, tickling Y/N’s hip discretely.

“Sure. You’ve got lipstick on boy!”

“Oops.” Y/N looked so embarrassed, reaching to retrieve a napkin to clean me up. “You kind of pull it off though.” She whispered.

“Seems you’ve been found out. We need to get going before it gets out of control.”

“Well, that was fun while it lasted.” I’ve become used to adjusting my expectations, it’s just hard when I’m not the only one affected by it.

“It was! Look on the bright side, there’s nothing that went unseen. We got to do it all.” She’s so positive it’s impossible for some of it not to rub off on me.

She had her arm firmly around my waist, mine draped across her shoulders as we reached the exit doors. There was nothing I hated more than arguing with her, but if it would bring us closer together I’ll make an exception.

"Wait! Back up." Bill shouted, he opened the door for us just to slam it shut immediately. He aggressively pulled it until he heard the click ensuring it was secure.

"What is it?" Y/N asked, reinforcing her grip on my hand.

"We've got a bit of a situation dollface." Bill's tone was familiar to me, but not to Y/N. “Change of plans. What do you want to do?”

"How many are there?" I was frustrated to say the least. This was supposed to be a nice day away from everything, just the two of us. “It can’t be that bad. Can we make it work?”

"Enough. No, I’m sorry. I don’t want anyone getting hurt. I say we have Y/N walk out the main entrance by herself and we will get you out through the side entrance. They don’t know she’s here, so they won't bother her. She'll be safer if we split up."

"No. We're going out together."

"Michael, I don't think that's the best idea. You're playing with fire right now, son."

"Bill, she's my lady. I’m not sending her off on her own. She's safest right here. Next to me."

"Okay." Bill smiled proudly at my defiance. He had been furious at me, probably more so than anyone else. When I had him help me miss the wedding he refused to give me a moment of peace. He had lectured me for a whole six hours, saying I needed to man up and quit running away from the things I want. I never thought I’d see him that angry, I’d never given him a reason to be so disappointed in me. He repeated it over and over again, I had to stop making nonsense excuses to hide from good things in life or as he put it 'ruining my destiny.'

Damn, the old man, he was testing me. I guess I passed. Little victories.

“Let’s get out of here. Keep her close.” He shot me a stern look before leading the way outside. I nearly lost my balance when I took a step forward and Y/N didn’t move a muscle. Her eyes wide as she took in the chaotic scene we were about to walk directly into.

“I got you!” I shouted, so she could hear me over the commotion. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you!” I held her face in my hands, her hands gripped my wrists as she gave me a quick nod.

As we stepped through the threshold the number of people outside seemed to multiply. The screaming was deafening, my ears were vibrating and my teeth rattled uncontrollably. Y/N was struggling to stay on her feet beside me until I redirected her in front of me. People were reaching out to touch us and I could tell it was making her nervous. My hands firmly on her hips as our path shrunk significantly with each step. The crowd began pushing and pulling at us. I did everything in my power to comfort her, but it wasn’t enough. Suddenly, Y/N spun around wrapping her arms tightly around me.

“What’s wrong?” I spoke into her ear as she hid her face in the crook of my neck.

“I can’t see. My eye, there’s something in it.” I quickly looked down, she leaned her head back, staring up at me. Oh, no. Her eye squeezed shut, a crimson stream flowing down the right side of her face, I watched in disbelief as the thick substance dripped off her chin and down her neck.

“You’re okay.” I tucked her face back into my neck, cradling her head with my arm. “Bill!” When he turned to glance at me I held up my blood stained hand. After that, our journey through the crowd was an anxiety filled blur. When we finally made it to the vehicle, Bill guided us inside cautiously, jumping in after us and slamming the door shut.

“I’m so sorry.” I collected all the napkins in sight, with shaky hands I put pressure on the wound. I couldn’t see anything, there was so much damn blood. She just stared at me blankly. “I’m so sorry.”

“What the hell happened!” Bill roared, causing us both to jump.

“I don’t know.”

“I told you! I told you to keep her safe and you couldn’t even do that.”

“I did everything–”

“No you didn’t! You let her down again. You didn’t step up again. She deserves better!”

“Please stop.” Y/N muttered.

“She trusted you to take care of her and again you hurt her! How could you let this—”

“Dammit, stop yelling at him!” Y/N’s voice reached an octave I had never heard before. She exhaled deeply, intertwining our fingers as she pulled me closer, her head resting on my shoulder. The warmth of her body sent shivers down my spine as she leaned against me. “Someone threw something. It isn’t his fault. It happened so fast. I didn’t even see it. Michael didn’t let me down, he never has.” It felt like her last sentence had deeper meaning. Whether that was her way of sending me message or not, she definitely sent one to those around us.

Her and I are a team. There’s no denying that.

“I’m sorry dollface.” Bill spoke as he concentrated his gaze out the window.

The vehicle hadn’t come to a full stop before Y/N grabbed my hand and pulled me along with her. I struggled to keep up, weaving through people, hopping over furniture. We barely made it into the elevator. Y/N was panting, incessantly hitting the button until the door began to shut just as we saw Bill trying to catch up with us.

“That was fun!” Her laughter filled the small space, she backed into the wall sliding down and holding her belly. I took a seat across from her, the way her cheeks shimmered under the flickering light had my full attention.

“It was.” I agreed, she studied my expression, stretching her arm out to press the emergency button. The familiar way the floor vibrated and that look in her eyes made me feel like I was on top of the world. She held her hand out to me, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. “I think you have a concussion.” I joked.

“I’m fine. It’s just a scratch. The blood made it seem worse, but I’m good. I promise.” She moved to rest on her knees in between my legs, beaming at me, unrushed and uninterrupted. Her fingers curled around mine. “I don’t have it in me to hate you Michael. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved. I’ve never wanted anyone else.”

“Neither have I.”

“Why is everything so complicated then?”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

The cool steel wall pressed into my back, the warmth of her hands made my chest feel like it was set on fire, my eyes never leaving hers as she glanced down, studying my lips. Her guard slowly being let down the longer I held her. We sat there for what felt like hours, each second better than the last.

“You’re not an idiot.” Y/N’s voice sounded just above a whisper as our noses touched.

“I’ve made mistakes.” My voice cracking at my vulnerable position. “You do deserve better.”

“Michael–”

“I was kidding myself to think I’d ever be enough for you.”

“You made a mistake.” Her fingers traced the line of my jaw, keeping me from looking away. “It doesn’t mean you aren’t enough.” She mumbled, her shiny red lips communicated the rest.

She’s kissing me. She’s actually kissing me. My fingers were tangled in her silky hair as she tugged at my coat. I glanced at her briefly, she guided my hand to the zipper of her dress. Her skin was so soft, softer than I remember. Everything about her became even more beautiful than the last moment I spent with her. I can’t believe this is happening.

“We don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready. I’m just happy being with you again.”

“Michael, look at me.”

“Yes?”

“I need you.” Her voice is like music to my ears. I remembered the day I had said those exact words to her in this very elevator. “I need you closer.” She melted into me. The warmth of her thighs squeezed around my torso as I felt every emotion she felt, her lips never parting from mine.

“You’re sure?” I mumbled into her mouth, hoping she didn’t pull away from me.

“I’m so sure.” She grunted, tearing my shirt open, the sound of the buttons shooting against the walls masked by echoes of pleasure.

“Wait.” I pulled away, reaching the emergency button, and the elevator began to carry us up again.

“What— oh my goodness.” Y/N jumped up, readjusting her dress, she moved to zip it up and that’s when I stopped her.

“I’d leave it undone.” The elevator paused at our floor, I picked her up quickly, running down the hall to the room. Y/N was laughing, gripping my back tightly as I squeezed at her thighs that were wrapped around me. She moved to suck on my neck and I nearly dropped her at the sudden feeling of her tongue. I pushed her against the wall, my lips finding hers while my free hand aggressively twisted the doorknob.

“Michael, open the door or I’m gonna take your pants off right here.”

“I’m trying.” Her laugh grew louder and uncontrollable while she watched me fight with the door. “This damn door.” I put her down, using both hands to push the damn thing open.

“Michael–”

“I got it!” She clung to me as I moved us inside, locking the door behind us.

“You’re cute.” I felt her say against my lips. Her arms wrapped tightly around me as I walked backwards, chuckling every time she apologized for stepping on my toes.

“You’re—” We tumbled backwards, the corner of the mattress catching my leg unexpectedly as I led the way to the bed. We landed on the floor, Y/N carefully rolled off of me, cuddling into my side. Now, here we are, on the floor. Again.

She’s actually here. Her body pressed against mine. The rise and fall of her chest brought me a great sense of comfort, one that I had been stripped of in the last few days. I can’t mess this up. I can’t lose her. I can’t make any more mistakes.

“That was smooth.” She said in between her fits of laughter. “It looked like you did a backflip. Are you okay?”

“God, I missed your laugh.”

“I missed you.”

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Spending the day with me. Thank you for agreeing to see me.”

“My heart belongs to you. That never changed.” She placed a gentle kiss at the corner of my mouth, but it ended way too soon.

“I hope it never does.”

“It won’t” She whispered, then it happened again. She looked into my eyes and the world stopped. She slowly leaned down, her lips connecting with mine. She clenched her fingers around my collar, pulling me on top of her, spreading her legs open in one swift motion. My body began to shiver as I settled in between them. Her forehead scrunched up when I pulled away, she studied my face while touching my cheek lovingly. “What’s going on in there?” she lightly tapped my temple. A worried expression grew on her face.

“I’m just thinking.”

“Uh-oh.”

“I can’t wait to start a family with you.” The whites of her eyes became more visible, her lips parted slightly as she obviously struggled with what to say next. “They’ll be brilliant. They’ll be beautiful. The more they inherit from you the better.”

I scanned every detail of her face, until her eyes captured my attention. I remember the first time I stared into them, I got lost, I became a sputtery mess. Her eyes enveloped me in a sense of warmth I’d never felt before. A sensation I only feel with her. Then, she smiled at me. My heart could barely take it, it pounded so hard I was sure she could feel it. I remember the first complement I gave her. “You’ve got a real pretty smile.” It slipped out, but I meant it. Oh, did I mean it! Y/N scrunched her nose and turned away when she nervously thanked me. She had me wrapped around her finger from that moment forward.

“That’s kind of— wait, are you saying you want to start trying for a baby?” Her voice was low and her expression difficult to read.

“I’d like to marry you first. That is, if you’ll still have me.”

The anticipation consuming me as I awaited her response was peaceful because I knew what the future entailed.

Our future.

Now, I truly understood and believed in the idea that sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

#michael jackson #michael joseph jackson #king of pop #michael jackson imagine #michael jackson x reader #michael jackson imagines #michael jackson fanfic

81 notes · View notes

delta-orionis · 11 days ago

Note

I've been thinking lately and looking at a lot of astrophysics stuff again and like. It really doesn't feel too different from ancient theology and metaphysics, just like. With a bit less God in there. It's not that they were right exactly, but it's that the world is almost just as insane as they imagined anyways

I wonder if you think that too or not

I kind of agree! Astronomy is just another way to make sense of the world around us, and it serves the same function that ancient astrology and metaphysics did in the past. Astronomy is based more on empirical evidence, but it arose primarily due to advances in technology which allowed us to make more accurate measurements. Astrologers and ancient astronomers were making do with the methods they had available to them (and we should give them credit- they did a pretty good job with what they had).

Astronomy is a bit different from other sciences because we can't exactly experiment on astronomical phenomena directly- instead we make observations and try to work backwards to figure out what causes them. That was the case in ancient times and it continues to be the case now. Back then a lot of the time it boiled down to the whims of the gods or assuming the planets were affixed to invisible spheres and whatnot, but again, people were just working backward to try and explain the things they saw using the methods of storytelling that they had available to them.

I'm rambling a bit, but my point is that astronomy still operates very similar to the way it did in the ancient past. The entire time people have been trying their best to come up with explanations for unexplainable phenomena. There are still plenty of things that we don't understand today, and in the end it all boils down to using our imagination to explain the things we see. Humans have always been trying to make sense of things that are seemingly beyond human comprehension.

#asks

10 notes · View notes

florida3exclamationpoints · 1 year ago

Text

It has been brought to my attention that I have not been annoying enough:

Why is rumple one of my favorite characters, you ask, @imhereonthekitchenfloor? Well...

I'm gonna be so real with you I am struggling to know where/how to start this because it is beyond my comprehension that people could not love him. Do you not love him? ,,,,,,,,,,,, ok

I'll start with what I don't like bc that's a much shorter list :) but it's not really stuff that I don't like about him it's mostly complaints I have with the writers. I don't mind a little evilness for good & in character content but he relapsed one too many times. It wasn't in character for him to become the dark one again in season 5. The Bear and the Bow should've been his final redemption. It would've been much more interesting to watch him grapple with recovery and improvement than watching him be a villain again just bc he's a good villain. He IS a good villain !! bc he's understandable. But it is what it is and he did become the dark one again and the mess that is the first half of season 6 did happen. Unfortunately. I HATE the romance plot with him and the evil queen and there is quite literally no justification for it so I just pretend that never happened :) but I can appreciate that his actual final redemption was really solid. We had to suffer to get there but it was a good ending 😫🙏

His Thing was that he could always justify every single bas thing he ever did as actually being for the greater good (his family). Everything he did was to get Bae back. Because he's a good dad. And to keep Belle safe. Because he loves her. In season 6 he hit rock bottom by trying to do something that couldn't be spun to be for the best interest of his family. He wanted to cut Gideon's fate so he wouldn't grow up to hate him instead of just... idk.... being a good dad????? And earning his love????? Ok king. Actually my biggest complaint about the entire series is the entire stupid series of events that led to that (Belle's dad was straight up evil for not waking her up bc he didn't want to "help rumple"??? And there was no explanation for Gideon in the dream. It doesn't really make sense that he showed up anyway but how do we know that was who he was fated to be why did he and Belle hang their whole belief system on a weird dream version of their kid) but whatever.

All of that was dumb but his redemption was real!!! He had the choice to gain "unlimited power" and break the rules of magic and make Belle love him and bring Bae back to life but HE DIDN'T!!!! because he finally understood the price of magic and was strong enough to do it on his own and not use magic for his own good BECAUSE he knew it would be bad for everyone else. He was never really evil. He was treated like crap his whole life and had some unhealthy reactions to it. He never had anything so he thought he needed everything. He never had any control so he wanted control over everything. And when he got his control and power he got addicted to it. He never loved it more than his family he was addicted to it. He had literal relapses (when he lied to Belle about the dagger when they got married. Yeah lying is bad but that was the most understandable thing be ever did lowkey. He redeemed himself and killed Pan and made peace with dying himself and then got brought back to life against his will and was kept in a literal cage as a literal slave for over a year being forced to do the exact kind of things he had finally overcome AND he had 2 minds in his head so on top of the physiological torture he also just quite literally went insane. Yeah it makes sense that he was a little Screwed Up after that. And wanted to release himself from the dagger without losing his power). He was strong enough at the end to truly put it behind him. And I know everyone hates season 7 but AT LEAST it gave rumbelle an entire lifetime of happiness and we know that he never relapsed again.

So :) yeah :) aside from that. He's hilarious. He's a good villain. He's the center of the entire story. He's smarter than everyone else. He's a good person but he doesn't even have to be bc I love when he's evil too. Lowkey highkey he was right fairly often. He's just a silly little guy! He's babygirl and he's my poor little meow meow and he's blorbo and he's beloved 🫶 the end.

#once upon a time #ouat #rumplestiltskin #rumbelle #mutuals 💖

29 notes · View notes

oosaoosaoosa · 2 years ago

Text

The Essential USWNT Friendship Series: Kelley and Sonnett

Who you are: a person who has stumbled across this post because you are gay, and/or someone who wants to get into the women's world cup and the USWNT but whose fandom experience requires knowledge of the Narratives And Friendships

What this isn’t: an endorsement of being weird to players in public spaces (in real life or comment sections, or on unlocked Twitter accounts)

What this is: a (hopefully) comprehensive collection and explanation of the (public!) friendship between two fan-favorite members of the 2023 WC squad

I know I’m missing stuff and it’s likely I’ll come back to add to this! Every time I try to add anything to this post the draft editor throws me an error message so consider this a part one. Please note this is a sideblog 🫶🏼

EMILY SONNETT

29 (as of the beginning of the 2023 Women’s World Cup)

Born in Virginia, but raised in the northern suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia

Attended the University of Virginia, graduated with a degree in Sociology

Was originally a midfielder, later converted to defense. Primarily plays centerback, but can play fullback on either side, and defensive mid

She is a Sagittarius (this is important)

KELLEY O’HARA

34 (as of the beginning of the 2023 Women’s World Cup)

Born and raised in the southern suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia

Attended Stanford University, graduated with a degree in science, technology and society with a focus in environmental engineering

Was originally a forward (and in fact won the Hermann Trophy as college soccer’s top player, as a forward) but converted to play fullback on either side

She is a Leo (I told you it was important. Twin fire signs 🔥)

THE BASICS

Sonnett’s first cap was against Brazil on October 25, 2015–she started and played all 90 minutes as a centerback (beside Becky). Kelley was on the bench.

On Feb 15, 2016 they played together for the first time! They both started against Puerto Rico and Kelley scored!

Kelley was a good mentor to Sonny immediately, her little Georgia peach padawan

They didn’t appear to really get close until winter 2016-2017, when they trained together in Atlanta during the offseason and started to hang out in a smaller group and one on one

Eventually they played on the same team (Washington Spirit in the 2021 and 2022 seasons) and won a championship together! (2021)

It was Kelley's first NWSL playoff run and her first championship, but Sonny's second championship (she won with the Thorns a few years before)

Kelley scored the game-winner in the championship final, in overtime, as a header. She does not typically score, much less with her head (she is like 5'4'' on a good day). It was insane.

------------

PRE-SPIRIT

Once they were friends they were BEST FRIENDS. Kelley loves to annoy Sonnett and has since day one. Couples massage!!, training together with Moe Brian

Typical rookie/vet prank but cuter because they're besties: BOO!

They drink coffee together: Sonnett Sunday, theee Kelley O'Hara,

Sonny is secretly an artist (seriously, she can draw): Lactose Tolerant Cow

They dance together so much. Seriously, so much (bonus Rose). In the car, anywhere.

They hype each other up: Snacks at the beach, blue on navy, flexin, cutest sports girl ever, Sonnett is an undercover singer,

Even their friends have pointed out their similarities. Are they the same or are they the same?

The 2019 World Cup parade was deeply chaotic: please beer and god they drank nonstop idk how they survived, they also napped on the plane back from france with pinoe and ashlyn

they help each other out: cold towel, guest coach kelley,

They threw out the first pitch for the Braves after the World Cup (with Mal, whose husband Dansby played for the Braves at the time)

They also made an appearance at an Atlanta United game together

They were chaotic in every team picture, X,

they took on the Tokyo olympics together (feat many teammates)

they were extremely annoying in the BFF quiz while Kelley and Alex tried to win (link to the BFF quiz episode below in required viewing section)

THE SPIRITS

Sonny's e-bike is their bike, not her bike, but sometimes they biked together too

More coffee adventures, in DC this time, X + X

Mentoring rookies, but this time together

When half the Spirit got COVID in 2021 and had to quarantine at a hotel in Portland, somehow they did not get tired of each other

Exploring restaurants together

Taking pictures of each other (they called each other Rick and Morty for a while which I try to forget), & with their bikes, & with matching orange beanies, more matching orange beanies

more dancing and celebrating, even celebrating carli as a duo, celebrating moving onto the nwsl final

getting jumpscared by their own rookies...together this time

being stinky and sweaty together and generally chaotic

cheering on the braves together on kelley's couch, being very loud and annoying

celebrating the spirit championship together, X + X + schwasted dancing with Kelley's girl together, doing a tiktok with Trinity and the trophy, making memes out of their championship cellies

showing off their championship rings together and celebrating the CBA signing at Audi together

they went to DC pride with the spirits

they developed this weird euopean cheek kissing thing

clowning in huddles together and doing tiktoks with the kids

Being annoying on the player's pod they recorded with Trinity and Andi (link to the pod below in the required watching section)

Still hyping each other up, of course: nice kick!, sonny's soft spirit fingers

POST-SPIRIT

Kelley took a pic of her abs when she got cleated at the CONCACAF tournament in 2022 and in solidarity, Sonny nearly took her shirt off

still taking lots of pictures and videos of each other, mostly Kelley. (I'm putting this in post-Spirit because although we didn't know it yet, Kelley already knew she was leaving DC)

Kelley literally left the Atlanta airport during her layover to hang out with Sonny on her birthday

loving on their Spirit rookies together, even after Kelley was off to NJ, +1 (Trinity's first goal in the 2023 WWC Send-off game)

celebrating Mal's wedding together with Andi and Rose

bringing each other up in every conversation

Being annoying about Taylor Swift

Sonnett almost killed Kelley within the first 30 seconds of them playing against each other for Gotham and the Reign and Kelley thought it was hilarious

OTHER PHOTO DUMPS / COLLECTIONS

Georgia girls

Glued together in Tokyo

More Spirits shenanigans

NT Camp besties

Kelley's visit to Portland in 2019

Hyping each other up in Instagram comments

General camp/NT shenanigans including the infamous "you're so wiggly" video

2019 WC Parade ridiciulousness

More coffee! Plus a cookie (and a "cookie")

MISC PHOTOGRAPHS THAT I JUST HAVE LYING AROUND

more of Kelley mentoring rookie Sonny on the NT

Kelley and Sonny in Atlanta in 2016 or 2017 (I don't remember exactly, I also cropped Moe Brian out of this but it was 800 years ago, sorry Moe)

A moment caught in the background of a post-2019-final celebration picture

Pre-2021 NWSL championship moments: not impressed with someone's pregame speech, Sonny wore 6 for the Spirit so they were neighbors, something Sonny was saying with her mouth full was very interesting to Kelley ,

Some more Spirit NWSL championship moments: they can't believe it, Kelley was beside herself, tongues out for the gals, I would pay to know what Kelley said here, another moment where I would love a transcript,

REQUIRED VIEWING

Kelley's episode of Laughter Permitted with Julie Foudy, where a few of her best friends surprise her with an appearance, including Sonny, Allie Long and Alex Morgan

The BFF Quiz Championship, moderated by Sonnett

The Player's Pod with Sonnett, Andi Sullivan, and Trinity Rodman

1v1 with Kelley O'Hara (pre-camp 2023 WWC)

Throwing the first pitch out with Sonnett, Kelley and Mal

#USWNT #Kelley O’Hara #Emily Sonnett #FIFA Women’s World Cup 2023

161 notes · View notes

bekolxeram · 1 year ago

Text

I'm not on bird app, and TikTok is geoblocked here, so I don't usually get too deep into fandom drama, nor am I interested in it. Unfortunately, it seems like the drama is spilling over here, and it has me questioning my reading comprehension for the past few days honestly. So here goes nothing, if you don't want to read about fandom discourse (which I recommend, for your own mental health), feel free to ignore this post. I just feel like I'm going insane so I need to get it off my chest.

From what I've read here, someone on bird app demanded Lou to explain some racist/misogynist memes he posted on insta over a decade ago, which were still on his page until very recently. Lou replied with this screenshot:

(Username crossed out to protect their identity.)

I've heard rumors of a certain subsection of the fandom impersonating bucktommy fans in order to stir up controversies. Again, I'm not on those sites, I can't confirm that, but I do admit the timeline is a bit suspicious. I get why some of you immediately rush to defend Lou and theorize that he was hacked, but I feel like it's such a cop out. Too many problematic figures get off scot-free just by claiming they were hacked. I'll hold out my judgement on that until more verified information comes out.

So for consistency's sake, I'm going to play devil's advocate, let's assume it really was Lou who tweeted that. I still don't see how it makes him an ableist?

First, it wasn't him who made this comment, the owner of that instagram account did. It wasn't even someone else's tweet or meme that he reposted, or did he signify his agreement to this statement. It was literally someone else's insta bio, a line that somebody else used to represent themself.

Second, look at the insta account itself. It's a K-pop stan account with 0 post and only 1 follower. It follows 19 celebrity pages, so it's safe to say someone made this account especially to snoop on celebrity news. How did Lou even find out the existence of such an account? That user must've initiated some kind of contact with Lou first, either through DMs or comments. Lou's an actor on a hit TV show, I'm sure he gets random comments from strangers every day. For a random stan account to stand out, they must've made an impression, probably not a good one either.

Third, it was posted as a direct response to someone demanding explanation for Lou's past problematic insta content. Why would he make an unrelated ableist joke about bullying blind kids in response to that? It's clearly a sort of gotcha attempt at pointing out the hypocrisy of the people pestering him online lately. They accuse Lou of being a bigot and try to get him fired, but at the same time they make jokes like this, so they're not in a place to judge him. Which is..... a shit retort. Lou's social media history WAS problematic, people have to right to question him on that. Him hitting back is whataboutism, but it doesn't make it less true, those people ARE bullies.

As I've said before, you don't have to be okay with Lou's past. I personally don't care, as I don't know him as a person, I also don't know who he was 10 years ago and what kind of environment he was in. As long as he's not actively using his platform to promote harmful views or using his fame to exploit people, I'm as okay with him as his co-workers are.

You do you, you can dislike him, outright hate him even, but you have to ignore all context and twist words around in order to paint him as an ableist asshole with this and this only.

#lou ferrigno jr #i just want to go back to the helicopter stuff #fandom discourse #I have the same bigoted jokes made around me TO THIS DAY #I have bigger fish to fry #I was a kpop stan nearly 20 years ago #We've lost so many people over online bullying

32 notes · View notes

maneki-art · 12 days ago

Text

IAMC's challenge : Uncharted path step 1

I decided to try the IT's Art Magazine Community challenge for next year event. There is going to be 10 steps. TEN! During 6 months ! This is going to be insane in a good, creative way ! (Join us! The first step end on June 24! There is still time!)

So first step is : The Trace (as in, trace of the world we're going to create for the next 6 months.) I have no idea what the next 9 steps are going to be, so, I may as well try to develop the Little Gods' universe !

Excavation report of the site number 3. There is no explanation for this statue. The style does not reflect the dating or the period of the surrounding artifacts, due to the lack of feature, we don't know if it's a god, a hero or even a person's representation and we don't even know why it was decapitated, and it's head buried at its feet. Further comprehensive research are needed.

Steps :

Time lapse

youtube

Le challenge IAMC : Chemins inexplorés

J'ai décidé de tenter le challenge de la communauté It's Art Magazine pour l'événement de l'année prochaine (à Montréal!!) Il va y avoir 10 étapes. DIX! Pendant 6 mois ! Ça va être un défi de malade encore, mais d'une bonne manière cette fois ! (Rejoignez-nous! La première étape s'arrête le 24 juin, il reste encore du temps! )

Donc la première étape est: La Trace (autrement dit, la trace du monde qu'on va créer pour les 6 prochains mois.) Je n'ai aucune idée de ce que seront les 9 étapes suivantes, alors autant développer l'univers des Petits Dieux.

Rapport de fouille du site numéro 3. Il n'y a aucune explication à cette statue. Le style ne correspond pas à la date ou la période des artefacts alentours, vu le manque de détails, il est impossible de savoir s'il s'agit d'un dieu, d'un héros ou de la représentation d'une personne et surtout, nous ne savons pas pourquoi elle a été décapitée et sa tête enterrée à ses pieds. Des recherches plus approfondies sont nécessaires.

#clip studio paint #digital art #illustration #iamc26 #no ai #Youtube

4 notes · View notes

seeds-of-life-daily · 2 years ago

Text

Day 19

SEELE!Rei AU notes I wrote on the bus

If you've seen this account's post, you're probably aware of the SEELE!Rei AU that's been circulating in my brain. To those who are curious and like the concept, here are some tidbits and notes I've made about it under the read more !!! BRIEF EXPLANATION: This is an AU idea of what if Rei was raised by SEELE alongside Kaworu instead of by Gendo/NERV?

Having Rei and Kaworu as siblings would be pretty good for the both of them. Rei would have someone to relate to and be comfortable around. Kaworu would experience similar stuff too, and wouldn't be exclusively Shinji-centric, making them have a possibly healthier dynamic/relationship. Rei could also be a tad more self-expressive, since being raised by SEELE would rid her of all the conditioning* and restrictions* (by Gendo, at least) she went through in nge canon. That doesn't rid them of all their problems, though. As we know SEELE has a dummy system as well, meaning Rei would still view herself as expendable and question her identity and self (possibly even more, with now having much more information to go off of to analyze.) Poor Rei'll have to deal with another organization's instrumentality planning deal again :( Kaworu would still have to choose between Lilin and the Angels. He is still a (unnatural) progeny of Adam, after all. I don't think he would suffer any less dread and anxiety from that in this AU. Having Rei around would probably lean him more towards his decision of saving the Lilin, though. What fun to constantly have to battle your nature of returning to your angelmom/soul's body, amiright? Yeah. Having Rei in the custody of SEELE makes me think that it would be best that she wasn't a Yui clone. No more weird ulterior Yui motives!! That would pose the question of how did they come to exist then? Since the Katsuragi crew were the ones to be near Adam in Antarctica, what if another division was with Lilith a year or so later? This time they made another contact experiment with a vessel they manufactured specifically for this one. Just so happens that the one to be in charge of the design and name was our old pal Gendo... Bro can't let go of his dead wife obsession even in this AU :/ Yui's still totally dead btw. Right after Rei's "birth" too! She was still batshit insane and put her soul in Eva unit-01, but at least now Rei wasn't anywhere near NERV/GEHIRN. Rei gets unrestricted internet access. They share a room with their "twin" and have a cheap, creaky, bunk bed until they're 8, when both of them decide to split the room in half and bicker when Kaworu finds Rei's trash on his side of the room. This doesn't last too long, though, since when they turn 12, Rei gets sent for training at NERV, while Kaworu's goes two years later. ^^^^ I think about this moment a lot in the AU. Gendo basically just takes Rei to go pilot the Eva just because they look similar to Yui and had to leave her twin brother alone to deal with SEELE bullshit without anyone else to really talk to about it for 2 years.

Rei's design differs when not in school, having a light blue long skirt and a simple dress shirt with her school uniform's red ribbon. They also sport some bandaids, even before piloting! Mainly from clumsiness and accidents back when she was a small kid.

Kaworu's design is virtually the same, save for his orange belt, his black shoes with orange bottoms, and bandages on his arms. Having already been with SEELE in nge canon, I didn't want his design to differ too much.

So far that's all I've written down for now, but if I ever get close to done with this AU and have made it even slightly comprehensive then I'll probably post a huge lore-post about it. Thank you for reading !! :D

#neon genesis evangelion #rei ayanami #kaworu nagisa #Seele Rei AU

23 notes · View notes

tradetobest · 1 year ago

Note

I went to my first pens game in March (Vs the Hurricanes). I don't really like hockey and don't understand it. Why does the ref just randomly blow the whistle and they all have to stop??? I didn't understand

first of all. that is the FUNNIEST game to have gone to. as a leafs fan who complains about missing michael bunting to anyone who will listen going to see his two next teams play each other is an incredible coincidence. ok nerding over

the refs will blow the whistle in three circumstances: a goal, a penalty, or a rule violation. "they all stop" is probably an indication that it was a penalty (theyre more likely to idle), as when it's a rule violation they usually just skate over to where the faceoff is gonna be but ill explain both anyway.

penalty: there are a couple different types of penalties, but the most common is a minor penalty. a few of these are tripping, elbowing, hooking, and holding. they're usually pretty self-explanatory, and when they happen the whistle gets blown and the guy who does it has to go into the penalty box for two minutes. usually guys will also skate to the ref to complain about the penalty. very funny.

honestly penalties are sort of hard to spot, especially if its your first game. i still have trouble if im not focusing fully on the game and i LOVE being insane about spotting little things. they also dont provide like. programs or shit at hockey games. like, why is there no beginners guide? smh. but yeah. penalties are Putting That Grown Man in timeout, and an absolute Delight.

since there's a guy in the box, the team has to play one player down, and the other team gets to keep all of their players (a 5v4). this is good for most teams but ESPECIALLY not the pittsburgh penguins, who are very bad at it. rip to u....

rule violations: to my knowledge there are two of these: offside and icing. theyre a bit more difficult so im gonna put diagrams, and also explanations.

there are three zones in the hockey rink: the offensive zone (where the opposing team's goalie is), the neutral zone (in between the blue lines), and the defensive zone (where your team's goalie is).

offside: when a player crosses the blue line from the neutral zone into the offensive zone before the puck does. cant do that!!

icing: a player shooting the puck the length of the ice, crossing the centre line and the opponents goal line. theres a BUNCH of complications to it, but that's it at its most simplest form. this rule was made bcs players used to just camp their own net and shoot the puck down the ice to prevent the other team from scoring, which is unfair and unfun to watch.

anyway hope that helped!!!!! hope it was also. comprehensible. thanks for helping me procrastinate my final!!!! hope you get to go to another game next season (or ?? i guess the pens have 3 games left so) and have fun and maybe understand a little bit!!!!

#asks #thanks for asking me i love being asked questions!!#if you have any more. i got u also

11 notes · View notes

what-gs-watching · 1 year ago

Text

"It's not my fault you're like, in love with me."

So while I was trapped in the house for days on end because of ridiculous weather, I kept whinging that I just wanted to get out and see the new Mean Girls. My sister was not surprised at all to hear it, assuming I would have gone the day it came out.

Because I’m old, old enough that the original movie came out when I was a teenager and it was a big fucking deal. I remember going to the theater with my bestie and being completely obsessed. We all wanted to be Lindsay Lohan at that point, 2004 was a crazy time, and we were incredibly impressionable. So, Mean Girls was everything.

To be fair, it definitely wormed its way into the culture. My sixty-something mother-in-law knows ‘fetch’ and my metal headbanger favorite dude friend appreciates that on Wednesdays, we wear pink. Millennials get it. I’m honestly not even sure how many times I’ve seen it. If my life depended on it, I could accurately quote most of it.

So, I was excited to see the new one, and a little weary.

But it was cuuuuuute, y’all. I purposely didn’t read anything about it, so I was slightly surprised that it was basically literally the same story, but I guess that makes sense. The whole schtick is that it’s a musical now, so I can roll with that.

One thing I will say though, it’s hard for musicals to make perfect sense. You lose some of the story by trying to flatten it into a catchy number. So it didn’t feel as comprehensive or fleshed out as the original (which sounds insane because Mean Girls is just a story about girls being bitches, but still).

I also really appreciated that they kept a good bit of the classic lines that everyone wants to hear. You have to have “stop trying to make fetch happen, it’s not going to happen” and “Yo go, Glen Coco!” it’s literally not Mean Girls without that. (LOL at the explanation though that 'fetch' is slang from an old movie.)

They did strip out some of the weirder aspects, leaving out the gym coach hooking up with one of the kids, which was sketch to begin with, even in 2004. And Karen trying to make out with her first cousin, which, yikes. So ya know, progress.

But it did feel like they took some of the bite out of Regina. Like, I got that she was supposed to be mean, but there weren’t a ton of actions to reinforce that. Or even a ton of interaction between her and Cady. The frenemy-ship wasn’t fleshed out as much as I wanted it to be.

On the bright side though, I didn’t expect the actress they chose for Regina. Body positivity, gang! And the cast was a lot more diverse.

But, no one is ever gonna best Lohan at the role of Cady. Sure, New Cady was cute, and she did her best but honestly, she did not have the same kind of presence or charisma. But I’m probably biased as hell. Like I’ve said before, I just want Lindsay Lohan to get her life back together.

ALSO, this is just me complaining, but I absolutely do not fucking understand fashion right now. Like, I just…I can’t. It’s weirdly 90’s, and it wasn’t cute in the 90’s originally and it’s not cute now. I was not in love with Cady’s “makeover” and that was one of the funner aspects of the original. Which could just be me projecting because I wanted to wear all of the shit that they did in 2004 but I was not that cool, gang. So now I’m the old guy who wants gen Z fashion to get off my lawn. It’s not their fault, but it’s still confusing.

The point is, it was a fun way to spend two hours, and I love that Tina Fey and Tim Meadows reprised their roles. I will love anything Tina Fey does, forever and always. And she loves Mean Girls so much. So I’m going to, too. And I might bump “Revenge Party” because who doesn’t love a party that ends with a head on a spike?

Did we really need this movie? Maybe not. But I suppose we can let the zoomers in on the fantasticness that is Mean Girls. Y’all can have a piece of the crown too, I guess - it’s just plastic, after all.

#mean girls 2024 #mean girls musical #what g's watching #revenge party #cady x regina #regina george #cady mean girls

15 notes · View notes

some-witterings · 10 months ago

Text

Alright, I finally vaguely understand how a BJT transistor works as an amplifier so now you fuckers have to as well... (Also known as: Man rants against conventional current, the worst thing physics and engineering has ever made)

First things first. This is not a formal scientific explanation that is guaranteed to be right or fully comprehensive. This is one man's attempt to drag others into insanity over fucking electrons and humanity's inability to put an arrow on a diagram the right fucking way.

So lets open this descent into madness with a discussion of what the fuck a BJT is. In short, it is a lump of silicon and some other elements designed to make engineers feel pain and only designed by what I can only assume is divine intervention. In terms of it's use in electronics however, it is two things. An amplifier and a switch.

These behaviours are what you think they are. A switch is just like the one on your wall. You interact with it and a thing either starts or stops happening. You then interact with it again and the inverse happens.

An amplifier takes a small signal, and makes a bigger version of it. Small wiggle to big wiggle where both wiggles are the same.

I hear some of you asking "How does a BJT work?". For those who aren't asking that question: magic. For those who are: what is wrong with you. But nevertheless I shall indulge you. First, a picture:

What, I never said you were getting a good picture

The picture shows 3 different areas. Each one of these regions is a bit of silicon with something called "dopants" in. A semiconductor can be N-doped or P-doped. An N-doped region has an excess of Electrons and thus has a bunch free to move about, a P-doped region has an excess of Holes. These are introduced by adding an atom with more than 4 outer electrons in the case of N-doping and with 3 outer electrons in the case of P-doping. For N-doping this means there is a free electron that is just allowed to float around, for P-doping this means that there is a space for an electron to be sucked into and generate a hole.

Holes are inherently confusing, but know as I explain them they are the far more reasonable alternative to cracking open a cold can of quantum mechanics. A hole can be thought of as a kinda of bizarro electrons. It has the equivalent charge to an electron, but positive instead of negative. They are also technically heavier, but that is a conversation for a different day. More to the point, they represent the absence of an electron.

So just to summarise at this point. We have two regions with lots of free electrons, sandwiching a region with a deficit of electrons (or excess of holes). Though, there is something on the diagram yet to be explained. That is the charges in circles.

When the doped regions are brought together the old saying remains true, "opposites attract". Excess holes from the P-doped border flood into the N-Doped region, and excess electrons from the N-doped region flood into the P-doped region. This includes ripping atoms of their respective holes and electrons on this border region, which means there is an imbalance of electrons to protons in the atom and thus they become ions. Otherwise known as a charged particle that cannot move.

The diagram then becomes stable once the border regions appear. Electrons in the N region cannot diffuse into the P region because of the negative barrier in the P region and holes in the P region cannot diffuse into the N region because of the positive barrier. The barriers can't be unmade either, because the excess electrons cannot diffuse close enough to the positive barrier to equalise the charge because of the negative barrier right next to it and holes cannot diffuse close enough to the negative barrier because of it's neighbouring positive barrier. This is the precarious balance that a BJT finds itself in when not connected to anything else.

this is where I need to add, for people who already know about this madness - yes there are thermal generation currents and other stuff, but for the time being I'm keeping it as simple as possible because I am in fact a weapons grade idiot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Okay that was a lot so I'm adding a break here. Go and get a cup of tea or preferably alcohol strong enough to strip paint off of walls. Whatever your choice of beverage, know that the logical bit is done now and to prepare yourself for arrow based madness.

Are you back with your drink now? Well then, read on whenever you are ready...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picking up where we left off, lets do something mad. Lets slap some batteries and labels on the fucking abomination.

Don't worry, all symbols and letters shall be explained.

The big line next to the small line is a battery, with the big line being the postive terminal and the small line being the negative terminal.

The triangles are connections to ground. Basically a place you can infinitely dump or pull electrons and holes from. A battery is a pump that sucks or pumps charge into or out of earth.

E - Emitter. Electrons come from (emitted from) here

B - Base. Middle bit and main source of confusion

C- Collector. Electrons arrive (are collected) here

With that all explained, let's dive into fuckery at the heart of a BJT. But to get there I need to take a detour to verbally assault conventional current.

When humanity first discovered electricity, we thought that electricity flowed from positive to negative. This was reasonable at the time given we hadn't discovered the electron yet. From then on everyone drew circuit diagrams with current flowing from positive to negative on a battery. For most purposes this doesn't matter, here however it does. In reality, electricity (made of negative electrons) actually flows from negative to positive. However, at no point did humanity GO BACK AND CHANGE THE FUCKING DIRECTION OF CURRENT ON CIRCUIT DIAGRAMS.

You will understand why this is such a problem in short order. So, going back to the previous diagram we can see a battery's positive terminal is attached to the base region. We can imagine this as pumping holes into the base region. As it pumps more and more holes into the base region the charge difference (voltage) across the base-emitter border region gets greater and greater, until it becomes strong enough to suck electrons from the N-doped region through the Negative Ion wall and into the P-doped region. The electrons that are sucked through from the N-doped region are replaced in that region from ground.

This is basic diode action and now a standard current. Electrons are sucked from ground, through the N-doped region, through the Negative Ion wall, and through to the positive terminal of the battery and then back to ground. Making a full circuit.

However, here we have neglected an important third of out BJT. Our collector. This has even more electron suction power on it, or rather hole injection, power. This means that whilst some electrons enter into the base and then recombine with the holes (or rather are sucked out to the battery), a majority of them are near instantly sucked out of the base and into the collector by the massive electron suction and the positive wall in the collector.

As an aside, current is normally marked like this:

Which makes zero fucking sense as why would electrons be going from the base to the emitter and what the fuck is going on at the collector. This is a minor issue solved by flipping the arrows, but is a far bigger problem when you start putting BJTs in circuits as you can't just flip the arrows there.

To try and summarise this. Electrons are providing just enough suction to be pulled from the emitter to the base, they are then instantly subjected to a far bigger suck and pulled into the collector. This is because holes are constantly being shoved into the base which electrons want to recombine with. However, in the collector there is a massive number of holes being injected so a massive number of electrons are needed to replace the ones that are vanishing in the collector and thus are pulled from the base.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright, second break. Are you still sane? Comprehending the madness of the electron's world? Questioning why you are reading the mental breakdown of an already mad man?

Because you should only be doing the latter. If you are doing either of the first two I fear for you.

Go and refill your beverage of choice and come back...

All good? Well it shouldn't be. But I shall restart anyway.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So, let's take this all a step further. First, lets use one as a simple switch. This doesn't even need a diagram. Simply take the previous diagram and imagine connecting and disconnecting the battery on the base. When it isn't connected electrons don't have enough suck to be pulled into the base so they simply don't conduct through to the collector. This is called "turning a switch off". Stick the battery back in and electrons flow again, otherwise known as "turning the switch on".

This ability to act as an electricity controlled switch is why computers are a thing. There are literal billions, if not more, transistors in the device you are reading this on right now doing this exact thing to represent 1s and 0s in your computer and then tumblr happens. Your ability to read Yaoi is predicated on the laws of physics declared by God herself and enough mad fucking engineers to make her infinite cosmos into a hyper efficient engine to make virtual men kiss each other for your amusement. This is the reason humanity are the dominant fucking species.

The next use is going to need a little more explanation.

Enter in, a simplified version of the common emitter amplifier:

Everything shall be explained so don't worry:

VB - a battery that applies enough voltage to the base-emitter connection to make it conduct

Signal Source - the origin of our wiggle that we are going to make into a bigger wiggle. The wiggle is the amount of current flowing getting bigger and smaller.

Load - this is where we view our output. The current flowing through it is our output (or the voltage across is if you wanna get Ohmically freaky)

IC, IB and IE are all our current from before.

On the right is a larger version of the symbol for a transistor with C being the collector, B being the base and E being the emitter.

Let me ask you dear reader a simply philosophical question. How can a signal be amplified by something after it in the circuit. Because according to the current, it flows through the Load and then into the BJT despite the BJT supposedly doing the amplifying. So how then is the BJT amplifying the current going through the Load. This question has driven me FUCKING INSANE. It is only resolved by remembering that the conventional current arrows are WRONG and the Load is AFTER the BJT for the electrons. I. Hate. Conventional. Fucking. Current.

With that little qualm aside. Let us return to the idea of amplification. How does a wiggle on the base, make a bigger wiggle out of the collector and across the load.

It's simple with the background you have now. As you increase the current on the base, more holes are injected into the base, hence more electrons are sucked out of the emitter and finally more are sucked into the collector and thrown out of it. As you wiggle the base current up and down, the amount of electrons flowing into the base and thus out the collector increases and decrease correspondingly. Remember, the emitter is getting it's electrons from ground which has an infinite number of them so it can throw through as many as it wants to.

Yes, injecting more holes into the base does mean more electrons recombine with electrons in the base. But the suction is such that the relationship is vaguely linear for the most part. I.e. the ratio of recombinations to electrons sucked through to the collector remains basically the same.

This all results in the idea that the more voltage there is on the collector, the more holes are put into the collector and the higher total suction on the electrons in the base. If the amount of holes isn't that high then there won't be that much suction and more electrons will recombine in the base.

In summary for amplification: Small wiggle on base introduces a corresponding wiggle of electron demand from earth via the emitter. However the base is then scammed because a majority of those electrons are sucked into the collector. Meaning that the wiggle of electrons is replicated with the bigger number of electrons in the collector.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's done. You now vaguely understand semiconductor chemistry and electronics. Why did you do this to yourself. I can only conclude that you, like me, are mad. Driven to insanity by the promises of science.

People fear eldritch gods because of their mind warping and their gifts of insanity. I say to them, you need not hunt for an elder god when what makes up your flesh and bones is so much stranger...

Go now, dear pupil, you have much more to learn. And deeper truths to madden yourself with...

#science side of tumblr #sciblr #electronic #chemistry #explanation #long #FUCK CONVENTIONAL CURRENT #ISO PLEASE FIX #FOR FUCKS SAKE WE ARE ENGINEERS #FIX IT #electrons #Transistors #BJT #Amplifiers #Switches #Fuck

2 notes · View notes