#and because of that he never argued that point in either of his two stints with Steve

[daydreamerdrew]

Marvel: Heroes & Legends (1997) #1

[miggleverse]

FaeEoin! Part 4.

The smut just didn't work out in this part, unfortunately. However there is much pining and Paddy and Eoin finally reuniting. As always, comments and feedback are much appreciated!

Ultimately, Paddy had little time to dwell on this newfound revelation. Stirling and Lewes seemed determined to form this new regiment, and were equally as determined to have Paddy in it as Paddy was determined to have no part in it. Unfortunately for him, a clash with his CO in Heliopolis and another stint in prison left him little choice but to go along with it, dreams of Burma being left to rot in that cell. Still, he was glad to leave behind the hustle and bustle of Cairo for the desolation that was Kabrit, the stark and wild nature of the desert feeling more familiar than the cramped urbanity behind them, most humans favoured. The wilderness of the sands reminded him in some gut-wrenching way of Eoin, of that peaceful glade he left behind so many miles away. Here, he felt closer to the fae than at any point since the war started, loving and hating that fact simultaneously.

Settling into life in the newly formed Special Air Service was relatively easy – if you overlooked the scorching desert heat, Lewes’ twenty-mile hikes and the near lack of water. The lads Stirling recruited were a solid bunch, all human as far as Paddy could tell, although he had his suspicions about young Cooper, who looked at him with eyes a little too sprite like and a grin little too bloodthirsty; but overall, a decent lad when he wasn’t arguing the toss with Reg. Paddy also tried to overlook the other oddities of the desert, not the natural ones like the shining mirages that you could never quite get close enough to. No, it was the movement of creatures in the corner of his eye, too camouflaged to be seen head on, that often scaled the walls of their encampment that Paddy tried to ignore. Or the wind that became so shrill and piercing, it was like a screaming banshee clawing at the fabric of the tents – Stirling put the inevitable tears down to cheap quality and refused to say any more about it.

Some of the men joked a place like this had a mind of its own, let loose to play God on a whim. Paddy wasn’t sure how literally to take that. Either way, he wasn’t fussed, the desert had been as kind as a place like this could be. It also helped that he knew he was a little more protected than most, making him a little more reckless than the rest.

It was perhaps because of all this that the dreams started. Time had never quite smoothed the gap in Paddy’s heart, and out here he missed Eoin with a fierceness that left him with a burn in his eyes, throat tight with an emotion he refused to name. This longing must have transcended his waking state, causing dreams so vivid he could barely tell one from the other. Sometimes in his dreaming, he went to Ireland; other times, he would stay right here in his cramped tent. But Eoin was always a constant feature, welcoming Paddy into the solace of his arms, offering a night’s reprieve from harsh days.

The cot was straining under the weight, not built for taking two fully grown men. But Paddy ignored the creaking, more focused on entwining himself with Eoin as much as possible. Legs wove together while hands sought each other under thin blankets. Shifting to settle his head on Eoin’s chest, Paddy allowed himself to breathe, hoping he would still remember the feel of elegant hands running through his hair and down his back in languid strokes, or the thrum of the other’s heartbeat underneath him. Nuzzling into the sand-stained vest – for his mind, ever the creative, had conjured his fae as a fellow soldier – snatches of verse leapt unbidden into his dream self and out onto his tongue, only to be swallowed by the soft fabric surrounding him,

“Sweet dreams attend thee in thy sleep, To soothe thy rest till morning's light, And angels round thee vigil keep.” [1]

“What was that?” Turning to look up at Eoin, Paddy drank in the sight of him,

“is this real, or have I finally gone as mad as everyone says I am,”

“Do you want it to be?”

“Aye, I do. I fear I am becoming a coward with the wanting”

Eoin adjusted his grip, hugging Paddy tighter to him, as if he could collapse the two and make them one, whispering into the blond strands of hair, "Then it’s real love, and you are no coward for wanting it so. I am with you.”

“And will you stay?” That felt too vulnerable, too exposing. But Paddy was desperate not to lose the scraps of Eoin he could get, even if he couldn’t tell whether they were dragged from the depths of his mind, or part of the wider net Eoin had cast over him.

“Of course, Paddy, it’s us two, yeah, together”

Those dreams were always the hardest to wake from, in his bleary-eyed state adjusting to the bright light from outside, discovering no arms curled around him, no smiley-eyed fae to whisper to. But still Paddy’s body had pushed him to the edge of the cot, as if making space for a person not there, or how the pillow would be indented as if two had slept on it. Other times he would wake, twisting and sweating in his blankets, phantom touches and filthy promises fading in the light of day, leaving him with a raging hard-on and the object of his desires long gone. The dreams carried him through the training of the desert, through that disastrous first jump – Eoin was not impressed when Paddy relayed tales of that particular stunt, muttering something about humans and recklessness and waste, through all the missions after that.

Closer to home, in Sicily, they got worse. Eoin started bleeding out of Paddy’s mind into broad daylight. He caught flashes of him in the crowds of men, his dark curls gelled and gleaming in the Mediterranean sun. Paddy could hear his laugh in the wind as he walked amongst them, but always beside him when the fighting got tough, which was nearly always now because the war had become more vicious than the days in the desert. Depending on how existential he got, Paddy would see it as a haunting, a stalking, the not-quite-real-but-not-quite-imagined Eoin following him all over Europe, slowly chivvying back to his realm. He knew Almonds was worried about him, had walked into Paddy mid-conversation with seemingly no one too many times. Reg definitely had, but he was halfway to losing his mind and didn’t pay much attention. In fact, all of the men were slowly unravelling in one way or another as they pushed into Italy, so really a little talking into thin air was easily chalked up to war fatigue. That’s what Paddy told himself anyway, safe in the knowledge that no one around it was mad enough yet to bring it up with him directly.

Still, this not-Eoin, this half-shade of the vibrant fae was Paddy’s balm and torment from the intensity of warfare, balm in the way he held Paddy at night, whispering sweet reassurances, holding him close. Torture because his touch left no mark on Paddy, no heat emanated from his body, only making him hunger for the one he left back in Ireland. He could not decide if he wanted death as release from this seemingly eternal carousel of a horse race, or to receive the tiny slip of paper which would send all the men back home for a brief respite.

After Termoli, Paddy was granted one of those wishes.

It was on the boat that the not-Eoin disappeared and the restlessness started: itchy skin, tense muscles, heart pounding; like the start of a mission, except this time there were no Germans to shoot or partisans to grind his teeth against. It was just him against his own writhing, wanting to need to see Eoin again, finally rearing its vulnerable head after being denied for so long, turning Paddy into a snarling dog that could only be soothed by its master. The men gave him a wide berth as he paced the small storage space he had commandeered for himself, his body ceaselessly searching for the source of its heartache.

________________________________________________

Interlude: A fae perspective

Eoin was doing the usual rounds of his forest, winding through well-worn paths, careful to not tread on the many roots and weeds that had claimed them over the last two years – the forest had not quite forgiven him for Paddy’s absence, still mourning the loss of Eoin’s shining sun. The fog was now a near-permanent feature on the lake, seeping into the surrounding vegetation, as if trying to cocoon the realm and its king in this time of loss. Little life now stirred amongst the once vibrant branches, unable to stand the atmosphere of melancholy. Eoin walked without seeing this change, the isolation now an unwilling bedfellow, wondering when his wait would end.

Turning into the once-sunny glade, Eoin was greeted with the brisk dancing of a winter breeze. Normal, except for the fact that winter had never penetrated his land, and he was not so far gone it ever would. No, this chimed in his ear whispers of Mediterranean shores, the soft sway of the channel, and the boom of a beloved Belfast laugh.

Ah, he thought. It has.

________________________________________________

Paddy had never been so glad to see home in his life; the sleepy street he had so longed to get away from now seemed like the greatest luxury in the world. The screams, however, had followed him here, pushing and pulling him along the road, until he was practically running the familiar route to the forest. The trees seemed to pull him along, branches receding in the distance only to create a wall at his back. Paddy let them, for once, eager to be led to a place where he would find his solace.

Was Paddy a coward? To want to run from the screams he helped create, to want to succumb to the mercy of his benevolent fae? He felt too haunted, too bloodstained for any of it.

But he was never any good at holding back from his wants, bursting into the glade of happy memories only to find…no Eoin? Where was he, where was he? Paddy whipped round frantically, heart in his throat and a cold, ugly emotion slithering into his stomach. Where was his fae? Where was his lovely one? Scanning the rows of forest around him he could make out no curly hair; could see no eyes gleaming down at him. no no no no no no. This was all wrong. Eoin was meant to be here. Bereft, he stumbled over the standing stone, curling around its mossy base, pressing against the cold surface in any attempt to get close to any source of the man he had missed so terribly the last two years.

It was like this that sleep finally found him, and Paddy succumbed. Unmindful of the fact he had prostrated himself at the foot of Eoin’s altar like the most tempting offer.

_______________________________________________

Eoin watched as his human rested, cuddled at the base of his stone. Finally, he was here! And what a perfect gift he had made of himself! better than anything Eoin could have asked for. Now, it was time to take him home.

________________________________________________

Part 5

Verses from 'Good-Night' by Paul Lawrence-Dunbar

tagging: @leftoversl1ce

[lemonhemlock]

Hello,

I really love the posts from this blog. It’s a breath of fresh air compared to YouTube and Twitter which is dominated by Team Black stans.

Can we please talk about the ‘Rhaenyra is the best mother’ propaganda going around.

I’m not saying it’s untrue (though I’m personally skeptical) just that I only ever see it being used to denigrate Alicent as though their situations are in anyway the same. Worse still is when these people (Team Black stans obv.) bring in book ages into a discussion of the show canon arguing that Rhaenyra was only 17 when she had her first son and managed to be a good mother. I’m not arguing either woman, or any woman in general in Westeros, is in a good never mind better situation. Only that it’s easy to argue that Rhaenyra is mother of the year when she has like a half dozen scenes with her children that last all of 15 seconds. She only actually speaks to Jace and Luke in the show.

Alicent may not be perfect but let’s think more critically about the result of Rhaenyra’s supposedly Grade A parenting. Jace is violent and arrogant, Luke is petrified and timid. Neither can fight competently, never mind fairly. Jace cannot speak High Valyrian even though he has both Daemon and Rhaenyra around who were both fluent at the same age. And Rhaenyra send her underage son to the Baratheons when she Rhaenys right as a vastly superior envoy (that’s a different far more annoying topic) — All of this is true even with the buckets of narrative bias working on their favour. There’s a FF trope that Joffrey squired in the Vale, Luke regularly goes sailing with the Sea Snake, and Jace is such a wonderful diplomat. None of which is textually supported but those TB fic writers need desperately for Rhaenyra to look as though she wasn’t just sitting on her ass doing nothing during her stint on Dragonstone.

To me Rhaenyra while probably more affectionate than Alicent; she should nonetheless also be condemned because her selfishness (the reason TB say Alicent usurped the throne for Aegon) puts her children in active danger.

Case in point TB say Aemond needed to be punished because the accusation of bastardy is so dangerous but who might I ask put those children in that situation in the first place? Oh right Rhaenyra.

Additionally unlike Team Green, none of Rhaenyra’s family was truly in danger if she had just capitulated. She’s a woman and the children bastards of the female line. Alicent is there actively counselling Aegon against assassination and conflict. There may have even been a place for her on his small council or she could live out her best Lana de Rey vinyl life and a responsibility free rich lady on Dragonstone (bit rose tinned. I know but not completely absurd)

Just hoping you had some input on this idea that Rhaenyra is an UberMother or even that Alicent is supposedly the worst, most abusive, uncaring parent ever. (This is because she hits Aegon occasionally — but IDK that’s just how boys got disciplined in the past, and why is no one talking about the lack a father figure yet the reason Aegon is a lush is all on Alicent *head desk*)

Thanks

Hi there & thank you for your kind words about my blog. I think the difference in parenting style between the two can be explained due to structural factors, i.e. their social positions & respective privileges.

Rhaenyra is her father's favourite, a princess by blood and has an actual dragon. She's not just any regular Westerosi noble lady. She is THE it-girl. She can afford a laissez-faire approach to child-rearing. She is careless with the paternity of the children. She is oblivious to how she is perceived in court, because, for a very long time, it is not a subject of interest to her, as she just automatically assumes her status and dragon will render that aspect irrelevant ("their views don't matter"). It takes until her THIRD child for her to realise people are gossiping about her and that gossip can be dangerous the more her father is ailing. Because of her short-sightedness, she unintentionally puts her children's lives in danger because she insists on keeping them in the line of succession not just for the throne, but also attempts to steal another house's lands and titles. I have always thought that sending Luke to Driftmark to "rule" would just make him vulnerable to assassination attempts by his disgruntled Velaryon relatives.

Meanwhile, Alicent is terrified that her children's lives are in danger, her father's, her brother's etc. She's not going to be a lax parent, she can't afford that. She grows to be an anxious and dissatisfied adult. While Rhaenyra gets to explore her sexuality and have children she wants with someone she cares about & finds sexually appealing, Alicent is repeatedly impregnated against her will and maritally raped by an old, decaying man. She is always going to have a more complicated relationship with motherhood because of that.

Had Rhaenyra & Alicent been millennial mums living in the contemporary world, they probably would have both done a good job of it, with all the resources & information available today on child development & psychology and with enough wealth to afford appropriate childcare when needed. They also both would have benefitted from superior medical knowledge (so childbirth wouldn't have been a death gamble) and would probably not have been forced into teen motherhood.

[charlieconwayy]

why jay/leia is the intended endgame: an unnecessarily long post

the very obvious answer to this is the whole legacy argument. who didn't know when the character descriptions dropped that those two would be a couple just for the whole "haha the kelsos are still driving the forman women crazy" joke? (which they haven't even made yet, which also makes me think we have in no way seen the last of them. we are DEFINITELY getting an eric freakout) kelso was a joke character nearly his entire stint on t70s. they never portrayed him as a good bf or caring ab . . . well anything other than sex, and then eventually betsy (trans!jay kelso theory?). jay, however, they make a big point of showing/saying that he is not like his dad. there is an entire episode dedicated to red realizing that jay is a good boy and that is not kelso just bc he is a kelso.

this is the jay defining moment for me. i think if they had cast a lesser actor than mace this could've come off as 'haha jay trying to get into leia's pants' but mace delivered it so genuinely and sincerely that it is very clear to me that leia is not going to be someone that jay gets over easily. he's this "reformed playboy," yet we never see him be anything less than a gentleman to leia. i am pointing out this line in particular bc of it's OBVIOUS parallel to eric saying that he needed to go to africa so that he can deserve donna.

i have trauma from the gmw fandom debating to death who the corpanga was supposed to be (as if that was a good thing lmfao) but there is literally no debate that jay/leia is the new donna/eric. jay is the cool hot love interest who centers the neurotic dorky protagonist. plus, i mean, the car scene within the first three episodes? be so serious here.

the show spent sooooo much time on jay and it would be so weird to me if they suddenly were just like "actually nate is the male lead now!" i think he probably got the least amount of screentime of any of the kids.

i know the showrunner came out and said leia needed to find a ~deep connection not built on lust~ and that's where nate came in. i do agree with that to an extent, but nate/leia is clearly just to throw off the viewers. also, nate is the kelso archetype more than jay is, lbr. (i could do an entirely separate blog post on that). yes, nate and leia connected. they were able to confide in each other about their relationship issues. does that mean there's romantic chemistry there? no. it just means that they were there for each other in an important moment.

is a big proponent of leia/jay's relationship built on lust? i would argue moreso on leia's side than jay's, but also, leia didn't like jay bc of his looks. she liked him because he made her feel special and treated her with respect. she liked the kind, sensitive part of him. it was only once they had that moment where she began to ~lust after him. and for anyone to argue that jay's feelings for leia are lust related is fucking stupid because

like jay could get any girl he wants canonically. he likes leia for leia. he likes her for all of her little quirks and flaws. plus there is ANOTHER episode dedicated to her feeling she needs to put out and him saying he only wants what she is comfortable with. c'mon man.

this is not some lust related fling that was built on nothing but mutual attraction. i'm not gonna act like their convos ever get super deep or anything (mainly because we only got ten episodes in season one), but nate/leia rly didn't either. like. they were both just upset about jay and nikki. and then they almost kissed.

are nate and leia probably going to be a focus in season two? oh, for sure. but the obvious endgame is jay and leia.

like be so for real.

i could also talk about the difference in her expressions here for hours but i'll just leave all of this here.

[thekingofwinterblog]

It’s all for his sake - Endeavor and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

My hero academia 301 is a pretty interesting chapter, but for me, the most notable piece of it was how Endeavour reacted to the realization that Touya couldnt surpass All Might.

upon realizing that his son might not be able to do it because of inborn physical limitations, he immediatly stopped his training, which frankly was the responsible and adult thing to do. 

This stint of real parenthood did not last long however.

After taking the matter to a doctor, he is flat out told that not only cant Touya achive what endeavor wants, but it is a direct result of his incredibly selfish and irresponsible attempt to play god, by trying to breed the “perfect” hero into being.

It is how you react when you lose however, that shows who you really are, and endeavor illustrates that very, very well.

Upon being told in no uncertain terms that his attempts at Breeding an heir failed magnificently, producing a child that was not capable of resisting his own immense power, but also admonished by his doctor for even attempting it, and adviced not to try again, Endeavor instead doubled down, while focusing on the child he screwed over from the start with his attempt at genetic manipulation.

It was all for him you see. Endeavor doesnt use those words, but that is how he spins it here. it was all for Touya, all for his sake. if i stop now, then Touya was all for nothing, a mistake, im doing this for my son.

if im doing this for my son, then im not responsible for any of this.

his wife however, calls him out on it, as she understands Touya much, much more than endeavor does. or rather, she sees him fully as a human being, instead of as a thing, a weapon, a failed attempt at an heir.

Unlike Endeavor, Rei is able to see the way this all is affecting her son. She is able to see, and understand that Touya has fully accepted what Endeavor wanted him to be. a stronger, and better version of himself. however, unlike Endeavor, she only cares about him as a person.

Endeavour by comparison isnt completely uncaring about Touya. like most abusive parents, he does possess love for his offspring, but it is forever tainted by the fact that however much he might care, or not care about Touya, any familial love he has for his son is tainted by the fact that to Endeavor, he is a failed experiment, a failed heir, not his child. 

He is the golden child that Endeavor was building up as his true and only heir, who he breed, trained, and molded to for that single purpose, and now that he’s reached a point where he cant continue that legacy.

so, its time to abandon him, and start over new, despite literarily having just learned how stupid this plan was, and that it can, in fact, go completely wrong, with a quirk that will fuck over the person he brings into the world.

Of course, Endeavor doesnt use those words to frame it. there is no way to pretend to be a hero, if you phrase it like that after all. Intead, this is the words he uses.

this is a very important series of panels for a great number of reasons, some that can be debated, argued, and we will probably never know the full truth to the questions because this is a series published in 2020′s shonen jump, and there are things that probably wasnt gonna fly with Hori’s editors, if it was the case.

but lets start with what can not be debated. Endeavor’s words here.

“If we want him to give it up, then we have no choice... Touya... Cant surpass him.”

These are very telling words, and however you believe The third and fourth children of the Todoroki family was concieved, there is not denying the meaning of what he’s saying here.

The only way that my son will stop being an idiot and fall into line, is if we have another baby. that is the only Right way to move forward. it is morally right, because if we dont do this, then he’s going to destroy himself.

there are two ways to interpret this scene.

The charitable way is to read it as the fact that he used Rei’s oldest son’s mental state as a justification of guilting his wife to have a third child, to give this attempt at a superpowered breeding project another shot, despite the fact that they now know that this can lead to a child who is essentially born crippled from his own powers, and despite the fact that Rei obviously understands the effect of them continuing this insanity will have on their oldest son.

the uncharitable way to look at it, is that he used this as justification for flat out raping her, and forcing a third, and then later a fourth child on her.

I personally believe the last one, given a number of factors shown in this chapter(the way this page is framed, the fact Rei obviously didnt want a third child, given she predicted exactly how touya would react, the way her eyes would latet turn when she looks at who is presumably touya which really brings to mind how she would later react to her youngest son’s face after her mental breakdown, etc.), but i’ll frankly admitt that withouth a direct quote from Hori, its impossible to know for sure one way or another. 

either way however, this is a very good example of Endeavor both being influenced by, and using Sunk Cost Fallacy to justify bringing another potentially crippled child into the world for his own, selfish goals.

sunk cost Fallacy, is a mental reaction to when you invest more time and resources into a project, that you becomes so emotionally invested into said project that you will continue to invest into it, even if it reaches a point that it becomes clear that the resources you put into it, far, far outweighs the potential gains you can achieve.

because if you give up after having invested years, and years of effort to breed, raise, and train a kid, and then all that effort was absolutely wasted. hence he choose to keep going, despite having learned what a terrible idea this is.

He doesnt care about the fact that his next child might be even more crippled than his firstborn, he doesnt care about his son’s actual wellbeing. he cares about the fact that if he doesnt continue this insanity, then not only will he not achieve his dreams, but everything he did to get to this point was for absolutely nothing.

and endeavor cannot accept that. and so long as he can justify breeding more children into the world, and there being any chance they might inherit both quirks perfectly, he doesnt care about anything else.

and the moment he realised that this kid wasnt gonna cut it either, he did it again. it is not a coincidence, that the age gap between Endeavor’s second, third, and fourth children were all 3-4 years apart. because thats the age where you can usually tell when a quirk will manifest or not, as established earlier in the series.

While she isnt brought up directly by Endeavor as a justification, it is very telling that Endeavor decided on having a third child, only after his second child was old enough that he could tell that that there was no chance she could take the place as his heir instead.

So, he had his third child, and as time passed and it became obvious that he wasn’t gonna be able to fulfill Endeavor’s goals either, he dumped him, and instead breed a fourth child into existence.

and finally, he struck gold. he did it. he produced Shoto.

everything was finally worth it, and now, everything would be absolutely fine. the cost fallacy had reached its end, and it was now all full sails ahead.

except of course it wasnt.

His oldest son, now in middle school, had been raised from birth to believe he would surpass his father, only to be thrown away, and getting to see his father try to replace him, not once, but twice.

frankly, this scene is probably my favorite in the chapter, because it goes to show Endeavor’s mindset. Natsuo made a point that their father completely ignored his older children. and he did... from Natsuo’s perspective. however, having a more thourough picture of things, we can clearly see that this wasnt the case with Touya.

Endeavor genuinly cared for Touya, enough that once he got that child he tried to breed into existence 4 times, he genuinly wanted him to just abandon trying to be a hero. he genuinly thinks of himself as a good dad here, wanting his son to abandon the mission he set out for him before he was born. of course, with context, this heartwarming scene is incredibly sad and insidious, because we understand why Endeavor got so attached to his oldest child. because he WAS the golden child. he was the child Endeavor genuinly cared about, and invested in, and trained personally with great warmth and enthusiasm.

And not only did he abandon him as a failed project the moment he realized he wasnt gonna live up to his ridiculous standards, but he literarily created 2 more kids to try and replace him, just as his oldest son was old enough to understand what exactly his dad was doing. over the course of this chapter, we get to see Touya’s start as a 5-8 year old, his deteriorating mental state over the years, until he finally seemed to reach the breaking point with Shoto’s birth sometime in his middle school years 12-15. 

Endeavor is in this scene, just not capable of understanding why Touya so desperately wants to become a hero, when obviously he isnt physically able to do so. he isnt able to understand that he is 100% to blame for the fact that his son is having a full emotional breakdown after literaly being replaced by his siblings. 

In other words, Endeavor genuinly think’s he’s a good person. a person who has made a few mistakes along the way sure, but a person who was always justified in the end, and now that he’s having to face the fact that as dabi would later say “The past never dies” and has to face the aftermath of his inane attempt to play god for the pettiest of reasons, things simply arent going to work out.

He isnt going to have a happy family, who can now put the awful early years behind them, he put way too much effort, caused too much suffering and sacrificed too many years of his life for this not to work out as he wants.

after all, if he walks away from this project now, and lets Shoto have a normal childhood, and decide for himself, with no pressure from him, wheter or not to become a hero, then the sunk cost fallacy will have reached a negative end. it will all have been for nothing.

and we know he did eventually double down on this mentality, literarily beating into Shoto that he WAS going to become a hero, and there was not but’s or no’s about it.

there was no way that Endeavor was EVER going to let things be for nothing. His treatment of his older children could not be for nothing. His treatment of his wife could not be for nothing. His treatment of Shoto, and the way he beat him black and blue to train him, could not be for nothing.

Because if it all was for nothing, if everything he feels guilty about was for absolutely nothing, then he was in fact, a bad, bad person, who had no justification for anything he ever did.

[abarbaricyalp]

hi. you still taking prompts? sambucky meet cute: the lobby of some kind of really tall building and they both have to get to the to top floors. bucky gets to the elevator first, pushes the "door close" button cause he's in a hurry even though he sees sam rushing towards it, but sam gets there just in time. he saw what bucky did so in retaliation he just pushes every single button to make bucky late. now they're stuck in the longest elevator ride, having to stop at every floor

Friend, this is not a meet cute. This is full on meet ugly 😅

AO3 link in the reblog

Push All My Buttons

Bucky was being haunted. That was the only logical explanation for how someone followed him from Brooklyn to Manhattan, mostly on foot. He’d seen the same guy on two trains, across approximately a thousand city blocks, and in the dumb cafe that Bucky squeezed into five seconds after it opened.

And now, the same handsome young black man was standing in the middle of the Stark Tower lobby, looking lost. Bucky quickly hit the close door button of the elevator that he blessedly had to himself. Apparently, he hit it too loud because the guy’s gaze snapped over to him and recognition lit on his face.

Bucky hit Close Door again.

“Hey! Could you hold that!” the guy called, jogging across the lobby floor and avoiding milling people. The fucking tourists on the ground level were killer.

Bucky was not letting a stalker into the elevator with him when he had 91 floors to get up. He hit Close Door for a third time.

Finally, the guy seemed to realize what Bucky was doing and he scowled before tossing his army bag towards the closing doors. They hit the bag and opened up just in time for the guy to jog over, grab his bag, and step inside.

“You’re kind of an asshole,” he said as he slung the duffle over his shoulder again.

“I’m late to a meeting,” Bucky said, which was true. Mostly what he wanted to say was ‘don’t kill me and wear my face as a mask’ or whatever someone who’d followed him over three boroughs would want to do.

The man looked over at him from the corner of his eyes, looked at the highlighted 91 and then reached over to smooth his hand up every single button on the machine. 2-93 lit up.

Bucky stared.

The man crossed his arms. “Now we’re both late.”

92 and 93 unlit themselves. Those were Stark’s personal suites. 2-91 remained lit.

“You fucking asshole,” Bucky groaned and dragged his hands over his face. “Why would you do that? I’m meeting with Stark. I’ve got his-his-his fucking coffee. Jesus.”

“Because I’d rather be late and piss you off than be on time and let you get away with trying to close the door in my face.”

“What was the point of following me all the way around the city? Are you trying to make my life difficult?”

Now the man fully turned to look over at him. The elevator stopped on the second floor and no one was waiting. “I’m not following you. I don’t even know who you are.”

“Are you kidding?” Bucky asked. “You’ve been on my ass since Lloyd’s, in Brooklyn.”

The man frowned. The elevator eased up to the next floor. “Why would you stop at Lloyd’s if you were coming all the way in here?”

“I like to eat on my commute, that’s not the point! You followed me!”

“Pal, I dunno how to tell you that anyone coming from Brooklyn to Stark Tower’s gotta take a pretty similar route.”

“It’s Bucky, pal.”

“Sam,” the guy said and then honest to God offered his hand out like he wasn’t actively ruining Bucky’s life.

On the fifth floor, someone stepped into the elevator, looked at the buttons and stepped back out. Bucky shook Sam’s hand with a resigned sigh.

“Where’d you get that piece of machinery on your arm?” Sam asked around floor eight.

“It’s not on my arm,” Bucky answered. “It is my arm.”

Sam rolled his eyes and punched the door close button. “Fine, where’d you get that piece of machinery on your torso?”

“It’s not Stark tech,” he answered because he knew that was actually what Sam was asking about. He let his eyes slide over Sam’s body quickly, trying to discern if Sam was here for a prosthetic. The bag on his shoulder and the silver ball-chain around his neck gave away that he was military. Stark Industries had a veterans program, so there was a good population of soldiers walking around the building at any given time. Sam was wearing pants, so Bucky couldn’t be totally sure he didn’t have a bad leg, but he hadn’t clocked any limp or awkward gait since Brooklyn. “You here for a prosthetic?” he asked anyway.

Sam snorted and shook his head. The door opened again and someone got on before reaching to press the ground level button.

“Shit,” the woman said, upon seeing everything else lit up. She quickly hit the door open button and jumped back out. “You know, if you two wanted extra time together, having the doors open on every floor was probably a bad idea.”

“That’s not what we--” Bucky started to argue, but the doors slid shut in front of him.

“Anyway,” Sam started again. “I’m not here for a prosthetic. I’m here with Colonel Rhodes.”

“Wow, big man on campus,” Bucky said drily.

“Oh, right, you’re so unimportant, going up to the 91st floor,” Sam shot back.

“I work here,” Bucky said. He held up the quickly cooling coffee in his hands. “Glorified secretary most days, but I’m supposed to be an engineer.”

“What kind of machines do you work with?”

“Not the planes or the suits. Military tech, mostly. I try to stay away from weapons when I can.”

“Did you serve?” Sam asked.

Wish I hadn’t, Bucky wanted to say. “Nah, actually I lost my arm when Stark flew into an uncaffeinated rage and threw a saw at me.”

“Whatever, man. There’s a thousand ways to lose an arm. It ain’t gotta be out in the desert.” His cheeks didn’t quite color, but he crossed his arms and stared ahead.

“Mountains,” Bucky corrected. “Special OPs.”

“Oh, right, but I’m the big man on campus,” Sam said, holding up his hands in mock surrender.

“Rhodes is a big deal around here. You think Stark’s letting him out of his sight for just anyone?”

“The Air Force is testing a new gadget. Rhodes is involved ‘cause Air Force. Maybe you worked on it.”

“Yeah, maybe. It’s a big program. Stark’s got a lot of things going on all at once. Lots of engineers and designers.”

The elevator stopped on the 25th floor and Sam and Bucky both said, “We’re going up,” at the same time to keep the group of suits from crowding into the elevator with them.

Sam kicked his bag into the corner and sat down heavily in front of it, leaning back and closing his eyes. “So you’re a soldier who works for Stark Industries but didn’t get your prosthetic from him, even though he’s the cutting edge of prosthetics and has a full-paid program for those injured in duty.”

Bucky gave up and sat down too. He cradled the coffee cup between his legs, which was probably a bad idea, but this whole morning had been bad. “My story’s a little more complicated than that,” he said. “A lot more twists and turns. My arm is still high tech, though. I asked for a flamethrower, or at least a saw hand but I didn’t get it.”

Sam laughed and, for the first time all morning, Bucky thought maybe he wasn’t so angry at him anymore. Sam laughed like nothing had ever hurt him before, which made it feel like maybe nothing had hurt Bucky either. “Well, there’s your problem. Stark would’ve definitely given you that, from what I hear about the man.”

Bucky grinned over at him and dropped his head back against the wall. It was uncomfortable and the jostling of the car every few seconds rattled his brain, but it beat standing up, or keeping his eyes on Sam for too long. “You’re still in the service?”

“Well, not all of us are so lucky to get a medical discharge on our first tour.”

“Oh, yeah, real luck of the Irish, me. And it was my second. I wasn’t SpecOps until I finished my first stint in the army.”

“Right, right,” Sam said. Then, “You joined up young.”

“So did you. I mean, I assume you’re on your second or third tour too, if you’re being asked to work with Rhodes.”

“Second. I took a long leave to do some school stuff.”

“Oh, so working with Rhodes and you’re smart. You really are the whole package.”

“I’m working with Colonel Rhodes because I’m smart,” Sam corrected. “I could probably take your job. I’m real techy.”

“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t. I’m fond of my apartment and I definitely can’t afford it without being here.”

“Right, I assume you make buck working for Stark.”

“Eh, he’s still a multi-billionaire, he could pay us more.”

“What’s that say about the military then?”

“I’ll drink to that, bro.”

Sam chuckled again and opened his eyes to glance over at Bucky. “How does someone go from losing their arm in a SpecOps mission to working for Stark Industries.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you. It’s at least a three course discussion.”

The elevator dinged on level 39 and paused, though there was no one there.

“Almost halfway up,” Sam pointed out.

“You are good at math,” Bucky joked just to see Sam roll his eyes again, which he did. “Why Air Force?” he asked when the doors decided to shut again.

“It’s gonna sound so stupid, but I’ve been dreaming about flying since I was a little kid. I wanted to be an astronaut and a lot of astronauts were in the military. So, air force. Figured if I never got to space, at least I spent years in the air anyway.”

Bucky didn’t think that was stupid at all. “You’re right, that’s pretty dumb.” Sam flipped him off with a laugh. “Are you a good pilot?”

“Pal, I’m one of the best out there.”

“God, you chair force guys are all the same,” Bucky said. He squawked as Sam leaned over to tackle him down. “Coffee, coffee! Sam, if you spill Stark’s coffee I’ll make you explain it to him!” he threatened as Sam pulled him away from the cup that had managed to remain upright by an unlikely bout of luck and physics.

Sam was fucking strong, wrangling Bucky down and holding him still. Sure, he was on his knees and Bucky’s legs were mostly trapped under him, but still. Bucky wasn’t a small guy and the prosthetic wasn’t light either but Sam had tugged him out of the corner anyway.

“Oh my God, seriously?” a guy asked on the next floor.

Bucky took the moment of distraction to dig his knee into Sam’s ribs and flip them over as the doors shut again. He locked his fingers around Sam’s wrist and held it to the floor. Sam tugged at the hold futilely.

“Shit, what’s that made out of?”

“That’s another three course answer.”

“At this rate? No chance,” Sam said and got his foot braced against Bucky’s shoulder before shoving him off. Bucky sat back and made sure the coffee was still standing. Sam leaned up against the wall by the doors. They both took in heavy breaths.

“What are you doing with Rhodes?” Bucky asked at floor fifty, when he was pretty positive they weren’t about to leap at each other again.

“Maybe that’s a three course answer,” Sam responded with a small smirk.

“I didn’t know Stark was working on planes with the Air Force.”

“Did I say plane?”

“Helicopters, whatever,” Bucky amended with a wave of his hand. “What do you fly?”

“I’m pararescue.”

Bucky let out a low whistle. “Shit, that’s more impressive than working with Rhodes, maybe. You a doctor?”

“I’ve got triage training, but I’m not, like, ready to walk into an E.R. as soon as I get home or anything.” Sam ran his hand over his buzzed hair and Bucky suddenly wanted to know what it looked like grown out, or if he’d ever kept it long. How he styled it and if he had facial hair and what he was hiding under his shirt and Jesus Christ, he needed to think about anything else.

“Well, from what I’ve seen, your beside manner probably sucks.”

Sam kicked out his foot lamely, missing Bucky’s by a mile. “You ain’t hurt. I don’t gotta give you no bedside manner.”

“What floor do you want off on?” Bucky asked after a glance at the rapidly dimming lights on on the button panel.

“85.”

“Right, yeah, Rhodes works there. We’re at 70 now.”

“What’s it like? Just offices?”

“Nah, he’s got a whole training floor. There’re a few offices, a reception area, but there’s also a gym and some space for simulated battle, sparring rooms. It’s pretty cool. You’ll have a lot of room for whatever he’s doing.”

Sam nodded and looked over at the gaping doors with the first look of unease he’d had all morning.

“You nervous?”

“You would be too,” Sam answered. “If you knew what I was doing. But, hey,” he looked away as the doors shut, “my partner’s already up there, so I can’t make any more of a fool of myself than he probably already has.”

Bucky grinned and shrugged. “I dunno about that. You seem pretty incapable,” he said sarcastically.

Sam kicked out his leg again and then stood up and grabbed his bag from next to Bucky. “You work here every day?”

Bucky nodded and took Sam’s hand when he offered it down to him to haul himself up. “9 to too late.”

“Well, I’m around for a few weeks. Maybe we could walk together instead of around each other next time,” he suggested.

Bucky ignored the swooping of his stomach. “Yeah, if you can keep up.”

Sam jostled his ribs with an elbow. “I can keep up. You’re the one with the machine on your arm.”

“Yeah, and what about it? I could hand-walk faster than you could run.”

“Oh, I doubt that,” Sam snorted. The door opened on floor 80 and Sam’s mouth screwed to one side briefly before he looked at Bucky. “Maybe you’ll get my number out of all of this eventually.”

“Maybe I don’t want it after this stunt.”

Sam placed his hand on Bucky’s metal shoulder solemnly. “You want it.”

With a grin, Bucky shrugged Sam off and shoved him forward. “Get outta here, Wilson.”

“How’d you know--?” Sam asked, taking half a step back to the doors.

Bucky reached over to trace his fingers over the name patch on the other side of the bag. “I’m just a good guesser.”

“Hey, that’s not fair. What’s your--”

The door shut between them and Bucky sagged back against the wall with a sigh. His heart was racing like he was a teenager again and his head felt cloudy. This meeting was not going to go well at this point. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to focus on anything but Sam’s smile or the way he looked in boots or the weight of him above Bucky’s body.

When the elevator dinged on 91, he grabbed Stark’s coffee and let himself off and then almost immediately ran into Rhodes.

“Oh, hey, sorry. Hey, I was just on the elevator with your meeting,” he said. “Sorry he’s late. I hit a bunch of buttons on accident when I got in,” Bucky lied as he passed the coffee to Stark.

“No harm, no foul,” Rhodey said easily. “Clearly I wasn’t even down there. I was actually waiting on you.”

“Me? What for? I’m not working on anything military.”

“You’re not?” Stark asked around a mouthful of coffee. “You assigning yourself projects now?”

“You didn’t say anything about the wings being military. I mean, how would that even work? It’d put a soldier in the air bare.”

“Yeah,” Stark agreed sarcastically and clapped a hand down on Bucky’s metal arm. “What kind of soldier runs around without full body protection.”

“What are you calling the project?” Rhodey asked, guiding the discussion back to where it was supposed to be.

“EXO-Falcon,” Bucky said. “I was modeling it after some of Stark’s EXO-skeleton suits, but it’s much more compact, situated on the back with all support sitting around the chest and ribs.”

Rhodey nodded. “Can I see them?”

Bucky quickly dashed to his work bench and came back with the wings in their case. “They’re carbon fiber, which makes them a little more flexible and keeps them a little lighter weight. I had thought about doing interlocking plates like my arm, but it wasn’t working. I took some of the more basic structures of my arm and modeled a folding mechanism out of it instead. The wings retract into and out of the case.”

He pulled the jetpack on and stepped away from the other work spaces before clicking the wings open. They snapped out behind him, grand and proud. Not unlike how Bucky was feeling at that moment.

“And the jetpack? Is that ready to go?” Rhodey asked.

Bucky shifted from foot to foot. “Well, in theory. I haven’t tested it out yet ‘cause I’m not trained to do things like that, but I’ve put DUM-E into the air and nothing blew up.”

“Well, the Air National Guard guys here today will be thrilled to hear that,” Stark said. “Shall we?”

“You don’t wanna test the jets before you put it on someone?” Bucky asked, a little strangled. He trusted his design. But he really, really hadn’t put as much time into the whole human safety element as he did the ‘up and running’ element.

“We’ll strap a crash test dummy to them in over the mats. It’ll be fine. The fire suppression system on 85 is better than up here.”

“No it isn’t. It’s just further from your suites,” Rhodey said.

Stark shrugged and tossed a piece of pastry in his mouth. “It’s my building. I say we go down to 85.”

“Well, that’s where I left your trainee or whatever too,” Bucky said as he shrugged off the pack and packed it all back up. “Do you want me to grab the other pack?”

“No worries, I’ve already moved it,” Stark said. “I knew Rhodes was coming by. You’re welcome, those things are heavy.”

“Don’t act like you didn’t have DUM-E move it,” Rhodey teased. He made his way over to the elevator and Bucky followed with Stark on his heels. The ride down to 85 was much faster than the ride up to 91. It was a miracle what not hitting every button could do. They stepped out onto the floor and made their way to the training mats, where two other people were already standing.

“Barnes, I’d like to keep you on the Falcon project,” Rhodey said. “No one knows the wings like you do. That being said, you’ll be working with live test subjects now, so it’s a little more critical.”

“Hey, you don’t have to say it that way!” the blond man in the middle of the room said. “Call us, like, Top Guns or something.”

“You don’t get to choose your nickname around here,” Stark called over, propping himself up on a stack of sparring mats to watch from afar. “Ask Manchurian Candidate. He definitely didn’t choose his.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes. “Barnes, this Sergeant Wiatrek and Sergeant Wilson.”

Fuck.

“It’s Barnes, huh?” Sam asked, smugly crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh, Sammy, you didn’t hook up with this guy already did you?” the blond asked in teasing horror.

“Screw you, no. I met him this morning.”

“Ah,” Rhodey said with a grin. “This was the meeting you made late,” he said to Bucky.

“Yeah, we met this morning,” Bucky confirmed with a raging blush. How was this his life?

“Well, good, you can get right to work on the wings,” Rhodey said. “Let me go find a crash dummy.”

“DUM-E,” Stark called as Rhodey started away.

“I’ll find that doll first,” Rhodey challenged.

Bucky turned from their bickering and looked at Sam, then the blond next to him.

“It’s Riley,” the other man said and offered out his hand. “I’m better conversation than this one.”

Bucky doubted it. He shook the guy’s hand and then held out the briefcase like a shield between him and Sam’s teasing gaze. “Do you wanna see the wings?”

Riley nodded eagerly and Bucky moved to another stack of mats to open the case. Riley and Sam stood on either side of him. As Riley pulled the jetpack free, Sam pulled out his phone. Bucky thought he was going to film his friend inevitably crashing, but instead he turned on the auto-help.

“Hey, where’s the nearest three-course restaurant?” he asked without looking away from Bucky, without his grin faltering.

Bucky dragged his hands down his face as he looked at Sam. Riley yelped behind them after the tell-tell whoosh of the jet pack, but Sam still didn’t look away. Bucky couldn’t either.

[retro-scorpio]

The Arcana Meets The Devildom (Part Seven)

The Evolution of MC’s Relationship With The Residents of The House of Lamentation

Author’s Note: Even though the MC described in the following post will be based on myself, I will not be using my actual name, a fictional name, or gendered pronouns for MC at this time. I still want it to be accessible to people, and I feel like giving a name/gendered pronouns to my version of MC will remove a layer of that accessibility. Plus, it will (hopefully) allow people to insert themselves, their version of MC, and/or their OC into this if they so choose. Also, this is going to end up being a long post that uses explicit language, so if that’s not your thing, you can just scroll past this.

Fictional Backstory: Upon dying from the Red Plague, MC finds themselves not in the afterworld that they had familiarized themselves with, but plopped down in the student council room of the Royal Academy of Diavolo with only the memories of the faces they left behind in Vesuvia and the knowledge of the magic they learned while they were still ‘”alive”. Once MC passes through the portal to return to the human world after their second stint in the Devildom, they find themselves back in Vesuvia due to Asra raising them from the “dead”. Neither the residents of Vesuvia nor the Devildom know that they’ve dealt with the same MC until after Julian, Asra, and Lucio’s arrival to the Devildom. Let’s just say everyone was in for a treat when their beloved MC strolled into the residence they were visiting and said hello to the Vesuvian person in the room.

Julian: MC’s main lover in Vesuvia. MC actually developed a crush on the plague doctor when they were his apprentice, but due to the relationship they had with Asra at the time, they kept their feelings to themselves. What MC likes the most about Julian (besides his good looks) is his sense of humor, because it shows the full range of his personality: intelligent and witty yet goofy and a little stupid. When it comes to bedroom activities, MC and Julian keep things fresh and exciting. There are times where they’ll do the good ol’ missionary sex, times where Julian will fuck MC silly (usually after an evening show at the community theater in Goldgrave when Julian just has so much adrenaline from acting on stage that he can’t sit still), and times where MC will edge Julian and make him beg for his orgasm. 

Out of the three Vesuvian men, Julian is the most understanding and accepting of MC pursuing other people romantically during their stay in the Devildom. To paraphrase Julian, MC was considered dead in Vesuvia for the three years MC spent in this other world, and his relationship with MC didn’t start until after MC rose from the dead/returned from the Devildom, so he considers it a part of MC’s past that they should not feel ashamed of. MC enjoys the fact that Julian gets on with her Devildom friends/lovers as well as he does for a variety of reasons (as you, the reader, will see unfold in this post and in others).

Lucifer: MC’s main lover in the Devildom. MC developed a crush on the eldest demon brother pretty much the moment they set eyes on him, but unfortunately for MC, Lucifer initially saw them as a weak human exchange student that he was forced to take care of. Lucifer’s impression of MC only worsened when they went up the stairs to the attic, and MC was incredibly heartbroken and pissed when they found out that Lucifer was the one responsible for locking Belphie up in the attic and deceiving the other brothers about Belphie’s whereabouts. These feelings culminate in the underground tomb. MC, incredibly angry at Lucifer and yet (somehow) wanting to gain his approval, wraps Lucifer’s hands around their neck and dares him/gives him permission to kill them as punishment for allowing Luke access to the House of Lamentation and dragging Beel in their shenanigans. 

Initially after this incident, Lucifer and MC wanted very little to do with each other, but as time wore on, they slowly grew closer to one another. MC’s crush on Lucifer resumed, albeit cautiously, and Lucifer started developing feelings of his own towards MC, although he would have never admitted that to himself or anyone else, not even Asmo (who sensed Lucifer’s crush on MC perhaps even before Lucifer himself did). Perhaps Asmo was on to something, because why would Lucifer feel as betrayed as he did when MC told him that they had met Belphegor? Sure, he felt that MC had just put his entire family at risk of experiencing Diavolo’s wrath, which is a decent enough reason to become irate at someone, but there was something else that was feeding into his anger as well, something that was related to love. MC, in a fit of passion and after Mammon, Levi, Satan, Asmo, and Beel entered the room and tried to stop Lucifer from annihilating MC, grabbed a nearby knife and chopped two of their fingers off, staring Lucifer dead in the face and not shedding a single tear (due to adrenaline numbing the pain). 

Once the situation with Belphegor was resolved and the youngest brother was allowed to live with the rest of his family again, Lucifer calls MC into his study and put their fingers back on with some sewing and a bit of magic. Just as MC is about to leave, Lucifer tells MC that he’s sorry. MC, understand that it takes a lot for the Avatar of Pride to apologize, forgives him, and Lucifer thanks them for their forgiveness. This interaction would be the catalyst for their romantic relationship, and they would eventually repeat this exchange when MC is about to kill Lucifer with the Night Dagger.

Lucifer and MC’s romantic relationship is one built on admiration for each other. Get Lucifer drunk on Demonus, and he’ll blab all about how much he adores everything about MC. The pair can usually be found in one of four places at the House: Lucifer’s study, the library, the music room, and Lucifer’s bedroom. The library and music room are safe places for the couple to be discovered in, for they’re either reading (library) or listening to the other play music (music room). Lucifer’s study is a bit of a gamble, for they could either be working on paperwork/schoolwork in each other’s company, or Lucifer could have MC bent over his desk and ramming his dick in and out of them.

As for Lucifer’s bedroom, it’s best for everyone involved if no one disturbs Lucifer and MC. Most of the time, Lucifer uses his bedroom to explore MC’s kinks. About half the time, it gets sexual; the other half is mere discovery of what MC likes and what MC deems as limits. Sometimes, when Lucifer just wants to be close to MC, they will do the good ol’ missionary. MC is one of two people that can get Lucifer to submit to them, and that happens only when the eldest demon brother wants a break from being in charge of everything.

Lucifer was pleased to find out that not only did MC and Julian know each other, but that they started a romantic relationship when MC returned to Vesuvia. Since Julian is (sort of) the Vesuvian version of him, it raises his pride (and ego) to discover that they both fit MC’s type. If MC doesn’t bring the idea up first, he might just suggest bringing Julian into some of their bedroom activities.

Mammon: One of MC’s fuck buddies in the Devildom. Initially, Mammon and MC vehemently hated each other. Mammon thought that MC was a pretentious snob, and MC believed Mammon to be a complete and utter asshole. Whenever they were near each other, they would inevitably butt heads and argue loudly, to the annoyance and shock of everyone else.

One of these arguments occurs in Mammon’s room. Lucifer had sent MC in there to help tutor Mammon, since they were doing well in the classes that Mammon was failing. MC gets frustrated that Mammon isn’t even trying to get the material, and Mammon accuses MC of only helping him in order to stay on Lucifer’s good side. MC lets a compliment slip when they yell at Mammon, “If I didn’t think there was a way for you to wrap your brain around this, I wouldn’t still be here!” Mammon stares at MC as MC processes what they just said, and the pair are so still and quiet that someone could hear a pin drop. Then, as if someone hit the fast forward button, Mammon pounces on MC, and they aggressively make out. Thirty minutes later, both are a naked, sweaty mess on Mammon’s couch, and the room reeks of what they’ve just done. Thank goodness demons can only impregnate when it’s mating season...

When Mammon isn’t fucking the shit out of MC (which is what usually happens when MC and Mammon get together sexually, despite popular belief), the pair is seen tinkering around with Mammon’s car. While MC does still tutor Mammon at times, Mammon’s (finally) at a point where he’s at least passing all of his classes. Mammon sometimes takes MC out with him to his modeling gigs, which has resulted in MC ending up on the cover of a couple magazines.

When Mammon found out about MC’s other life in Vesuvia, he initially got really jealous of Julian, but that feeling quickly got replaced with something else when he found out about the nature of MC and Lucio’s relationship. In his ongoing attempt of earning all the Grimm in the world, Mammon gets the “brilliant” idea to film a really filthy porno starring him, Lucio, and MC (with MC’s consent, of course). Mammon also likes taking naps with MC and Julian for some reason that he still doesn’t quite understand.

Levi: One of MC’s friends in the Devildom that they hooked up with once. Levi hated MC long after the TSL trivia showdown, and MC had no idea why. At first, MC chalked up Levi’s hatred towards them to his feelings about losing to someone he deemed inferior to him, but as time went on and Levi still was acting cold towards them, MC felt that there was something else that was upsetting Levi. As it turns out, it all boiled down to Levi’s sin: envy. Levi was jealous of MC on a multitude of levels. He saw how MC was acing the subjects that he struggled in; he saw how well MC got along with everyone; and he even saw how easy it was for MC to express their feelings for someone. Long story short, Levi felt inadequate against and unworthy of spending time with MC, and he hated both himself and MC for it.

All it took for him to change his mind was an impromptu family gaming night in Levi’s room. The game? DarioKart (the Devildom equivalent of MarioKart). Levi was winning every single race he was in, even against decent racers like MC, Beel, and Lucifer. Asmo, being the Avatar of Lust, was the first to discover that Levi’s skills at DarioKart was causing MC to, shall we say, look at the third-eldest demon brother in a new light. At Asmo’s advice, MC whispered in Levi’s ear that if he won the next race he competed in, they would make this a night to remember. MC gave him a kiss on the cheek, and that was enough motivation for him to destroy his opponents in his next race. With Lucifer (who was in the loop due to Asmo having a quiet conversation with him during the race) and Asmo’s help, Levi and MC were able to have some privacy.

Once everyone’s out of the room, MC moves from their spot on the floor and straddles Levi’s lap, which causes Levi to turn red and begin stuttering. MC moves Levi’s fringe out of his eyes and tells him how hot Levi was, winning so many times. Before Levi can reply, MC leans in and kisses him. Unsurprisingly, Levi’s shy at first, because he’s scared that MC’s going to pull away in disgust or that he’s going to wake up and find out that all of this was a dream; however, when neither one of those things happens, Levi gets more bold as he gains confidence. This slow, sensuous make-out session eventually leads to MC blowing him in his gaming chair, and after that evening Levi starts treating MC nicely (for some totally unknown reason (ha ha)). There is not a second sexual encounter, but Levi’s perfectly content with the one. All he needs MC to do is to hang out with him and watch anime and/or play video games.

Levi was excited when he found out that MC knew Julian and Asra, because that meant that he could invite the three of them to his room and know that they genuinely wanted to be there. Sure, Henry 2.0 is a nice enough friend, but Levi comes to discover that having human friends is just as good as having an animal companion.

Satan: MC’s (kind of) ex-turned-best-friend. MC first had their eyes on Satan when they entered his room for the first time and saw the sheer volume of books he had in his possession. MC’s crush on Satan grew when he was a guest speaker in their curses and hexes class. To put it simply, MC found Satan’s intelligence incredibly sexy. Similarly, when Satan was tasked with proofreading MC’s Devildom Literature essay, he discovered that the quality of writing was as good as his, that the points MC made in the essay were intelligent and pertinent to the topic of their essay, and that they had no grammatical, spelling, or formatting mistakes, he nearly busted a nut right there in the classroom.

MC and Satan’s romantic relationship blossomed after the incident that occurred between MC and Lucifer in the underground tomb, and the pairing was (surprisingly) a healthy one. Satan looked out for MC and defended them whenever Lucifer was criticizing them (both in front of MC and behind their back), and MC helped Satan to not only discover his own identity outside of being Lucifer’s spawn and the Avatar of Wrath, but to accept the parts of him that didn’t fit into either one of those titles. While the sex wasn’t the type to be described in erotica, it was definitely full of love from both parties.

Satan and MC broke up on good terms a couple days after Lucifer mended MC’s hand. Due to the fourth demon brother’s relationship with Asmo, he knew that, even though MC did love Satan and enjoyed being in a romantic relationship with him, their heart truly belonged to Lucifer. While the old Satan would have hated MC (for falling for Lucifer) and Lucifer (for taking MC away from him), the ‘new’ Satan was at peace with the whole thing. If there was anyone that he would want to see MC happy with (that wasn’t him), it was Lucifer. Satan knew that, once the foundation was laid, Lucifer would care for MC just as deeply as he did. Plus, it would be weird for MC to continue dating him when they’re trying to start a relationship with someone who’s technically his dad.

Satan and MC can usually be found in a quiet corner of RAD or the House, studying, reading, writing, and/or debating (depending on the day). They enjoy each other’s company, and they’re able to bond over their love of learning and books. When the demon brothers were under the influence of the Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup and MC had to give each of them an order in order to them to snap out of it, MC had Satan kiss them on the cheek, figuring that it was intimate enough to break the spell the syrup had caused without creating an emotional mess.

Satan’s one of the few people in the Devildom that gets along with all three of the Vesuvian men, which is a huge relief for MC. MC finds the notebooks Satan has that document tales that he’s heard Julian, Asra, and Lucio told, and after skimming through the notes that the Avatar of Wrath has written in the margins, MC concludes that Satan has a crush on the three men. With Satan’s permission (for MC would have kept their mouth shut about the whole thing if Satan didn’t want the Vesuvian men to know that he has a crush on them), MC tells Asra, Lucio, and Julian about Satan’s feelings. 

Bonus: Lucio’s the most surprised out of the three of them, for he had no idea that the most quiet demon brother felt that way about him. Unfortunately for Satan, Lucio does not feel the same. Julian’s flattered by Satan’s crush, and unlike Lucio, the plague doctor allows Satan to kiss him. However, once Julian and Satan pull away, Satan realizes that he has more feelings towards the idea of Julian and what Julian represents than Julian himself. And then there’s Asra. If Solomon and Lucio were the first Devildom/Vesuvia pairing to hook up, Asra and Satan are the second (although they might just become the first Devildom/Vesuvian couple). It’s almost like they needed MC’s permission in order to do anything sexual with each other...

Asmo: MC’s friend and the only brother they have not hooked up with. It always amazes people to find out that the Avatar of Lust hasn’t made any actual sexual advances towards MC, but it is indeed the truth. Sure, Asmo may say dirty things to MC, and he has given them a kiss or two on the lips, but he doesn’t feel the need to go further than that. Asmo’s perhaps the most sensitive when it comes to picking up his sin in other people, and so whenever MC feels turned on by something or someone, the fifth-eldest demon brother takes note. 

The main thing that Asmo does for MC, besides inviting them to spa days and fancy events/parties/networking opportunities, is give them advice on their love life. Since MC is so nice to him throughout their Devildom stay, Asmo wants to return the favor, and he loves helping people, especially when it comes to romance. He was the one that got MC and Satan to sit down together and reveal their feelings for each other after the underground tomb incident, and he also acted like a mediator for Lucifer and MC, ultimately encouraging them to get over their nervousness and start going out with each other (once the situation with Belphie was resolved).

Upon finding out that MC knew the Vesuvian men, Asmo had a lot of questions. Is Julian straight? (no) Am I Julian’s type? (I don’t know) Could MC please ask Julian if I’m his type? (couldn’t you ask him yourself?) How about Asra? (he’s definitely not straight) Has MC witnessed the way Asra acts around me? (very flirty) Is he like that with everyone? (no) Does MC think that Asra’s trying to fuck me? (again, why don’t you ask him?) Is Lucio gay? (no, but he isn’t straight, either; not a whole lot of people in Vesuvia are) Does that mean that MC isn’t straight? (that would be correct) What’s the deal between Asra and Julian? (I believe they were lovers while I was here in the Devildom and they thought that I was dead) How was their relationship? (Toxic; Asra took advantage of Julian) Would Asra do that to me? (I don’t think so; he’s in a healthier place mentally) What about Asra and Lucio? (Lucio took Asra’s parents away from him during his dealings with the Devil) Diavolo?! (No, not Diavolo; a Major Arcana called the Devil)

Beel: MC’s friend with eventual benefits. Contrary to the popular belief that Beel is a giant meathead, he’s actually quite smart. Sure, he may not get the best grades in school, but if someone starts a philosophical conversation with him, he’s not only able to follow along but offer intelligent insights of his own. Some of this knowledge is due to the amount of time he spends with Belphie and (by proxy) Satan, but a lot of it is thanks to research he’s managed to do between eating, doing homework, and playing sports/working out. Philosophy interests the Avatar of Gluttony, particularly when it comes to that practiced in the human world. This is what ultimately piques MC’s interest in Beel, although his looks and offers of sharing and trying new food certainly doesn’t ruin things.

For a while, MC and Beel were perfectly content with being friends. But then the second aphrodisiac incident happened. The first was when the brothers ingested the Gold Hellfire Newt Syrup; the second (which is this writer’s headcanon) is when MC accidentally drinks one of Asmo’s beverages that happened to have an ingredient that made the average human consumer very, very horny (it was an honest mistake, really; how was MC supposed to know that a Devildom version of their favorite smoothie would have that kind of an effect on them?) Beel was the only one home with MC when the aphrodisiac started to affect them, and so he was the one they had to go to in order to get some kind of relief. And he did exactly that.

You see, another not-so-well-known fact about Beel (unless one happens to asks Asmo about it) is that he loves the taste of cum. It doesn’t matter where it comes from (both from an anatomical and racial (angel/demon/human) standpoint); the moment it hits his tongue, Beel’s going to consume as much of it as he possibly can. To put it simply, the Avatar of Gluttony’s ability to suck dick and eat pussy rivals Asmo (because of his sin) and Lucifer’s (because he’s the eldest). He can go for hours if one allows him to do so. For this reason, MC and Beel’s relationship turns sexual, although there’s a bit of a mental hang up for Beel when it comes to MC reciprocating. It’s not that MC’s not willing to return the favor; Beel just feels like the point of that part of their relationship is for him to give them pleasure.

Outside of the sexual context, Beel and MC can often be found in the twins’ room, the attic, the kitchen, the roof of the House, or RAD’s gym. The roof and gym are the only two places where the two of them can get some alone time, because Belphie frequently tags along when they hang out in the other places; the roof is where a lot of Beel and MC’s conversations about philosophy happen, and the gym is where they work out together (or at least at the same time, as a human is far too weak to do Beel’s workout). They’re not the closest pairing, but both of them like each other nevertheless.

The fact that MC knew the Vesuvian men didn’t quite register in Beel’s brain. Mainly, it didn’t make that much of a difference to him whether MC led two lives or not; he was just happy to be connected with MC. That is, until Julian starts telling him that he should let MC give him a blowjob at least once. The plague doctor doesn’t completely understand that Beel doesn’t feel the need to have MC do that for him. The sixth-born gets plenty of pleasure from MC’s pleasure, and that’s enough for him.

Belphie: MC’s side man. MC was initially hesitant to get close to Belphie after the incident in which he killed (an alternate version of) them, but when they saw that everyone else (minus Beel) was ignoring Belphie’s existence, their pity drove them to have at least one conversation with the Avatar of Sloth. Belphie caught on to MC’s pity pretty quickly during that conversation, but he liked the fact that someone besides his twin gave a shit about him, even if it’s the last person he would have expected to care.

One conversation turned into two, which eventually turned to them meeting in the planetarium at least once a week to look at the stars and talk about all kinds of things. The longer they meet, the more chemistry develops between them; this chemistry culminates one evening when, as MC was talking about an annoying demon in one of their classes, Belphie leans in and kisses them. This leads to a slow, sensuous make-out session that leaves both of them out of breath and a bit dizzy (but in a good way).

Belphie’s sexual nature is subdued but full of passion, and he knows exactly how to make MC melt under his touch pretty much from the get-go. If the walls of the planetarium could talk, it would reveal that MC and Belphie have fucked in just about every corner of the room. Sure, they still talk about life, but a good chuck of their time spent is devoted to sexual activities. One could say that their relationship evolves similarly to that depicted in “Beauty and the Beast”.

Belphie really doesn’t give a shit about MC having another life in Vesuvia, because sometimes it means having extra company (that isn’t Beel). Julian and Asra sometimes join MC and the Avatar of Sloth in the planetarium (99% of the time, it’s to simply talk, but there was an incident when Belphie, Julian, and Asra all took turns making out with MC, which made for a very interesting evening), and Lucio and Belphie’s occasional nap pile finds itself a third member in MC. 

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther with me; or what if dean and cas got together offscreen

Originally, I wrote this post to celebrate “Galaxy Brain” airing as Berens & Glynn gave us “The Future.” It’s been a while since that episode aired, and some things have changed about this meta. As such, there are multiple versions of this post floating around, so make sure to go back to the source for the most up to date version.  For all intents and purposes, this post functions as a meta manifesto not unlike shipping manifestos from days of LJ past. In keeping with that tradition, this post is a close reading of Dabb Era Destiel in which I argue that by using narrative gaps, queer coding, and romance tropes, Dean and Cas are shown to be in an established relationship. Although beyond the scope of this post, it’s worth pointing out that keeping Destiel mostly off screen was a way for the creatives to bypass network censorship while still remaining true to the characters.

This post is divided into three sections. Section I focuses on giving an overview of why earlier seasons of Supernatural aren’t as compelling as season 12 as a turning point for Dean and Cas’s relationship. That said, special consideration is given to 09.06 “Heaven Can’t Wait” as a potential rest stop in our journey due to it’s significantly placed narrative gap as well as themes in the episode. However, this post isn’t going to examine season 9 trutherism in depth, though it does coexist with and allow for it. Section II analyses season 12 and proposes a timeline and justification for the shifting Destiel dynamic. Finally, Section III will offer an analysis of how Dean and Cas’s relationship has changed dramatically from previous seasons in a way that is most like the shift from a “will they or won’t they” pairing to an established one. 

Before I move to Section I, I’d like to note something this post takes for granted: Dean and Cas are the main romantic subplot of Supernatural, and, in fact, their relationship is elevated to main plot for both characters in season 15. This post won’t argue about the canonicity of Dean and Cas’s feelings for each other, therefore, and so won’t spend time looking at many Destiel defining moments. I’d also like to make clear that this post also takes for granted that Destiel is being intentionally developed by the writers starting with Carver’s Era, and more so in Dabb’s. 

I. Why Seasons 4 through 11 May Not be It

The tl;dr. here is that while there are many moments throughout these seasons that Dean and Cas could potentially get together, none of those moments are ideal for a bunch of reasons that can be summed up as really bad timing. I also think the narrative is actively pushing them towards a moment that works. We get plenty of stepping stones, especially once we hit seasons 8 through 11 (and 11 most of all).

Seasons 4 & 5:

I know there’s been a lot of get together fics over the years set in this time period, but I just don’t see it. Do I see them being intrigued and drawn to each other? Yes. Do I think either Cas or Dean would act on it? Nope. I’m not arguing anything re: Dean’s feelings, but with everything going at the time I find it hard to believe he’d pursue anything with his angel friend. Most importantly here, though, is that during this time Cas was still very alien and other. There was too much angel in him, and while he obviously came to care about Dean (and Sam) very much, I just can’t see him navigating the realm of human relationships. That said, seeing human!Cas in “The End” is the first we see of potential developments for how Cas could behave without his angelness interfering. Being human changes Cas a lot, beyond even his experience existing among humans, though that of course matters too. This development will be important later /wink.

Seasons 6 & 7:

Before anything else let me just recognize that if we could see some sexual tension in seasons 4 & 5, these two seasons come with our first taste of romantic tension. The pining! Also note the difference between season 4 Cas and season 6 Cas in terms of behaviour. He is much less the angel we saw in that barn in “Lazarus Rising.” In season 6, we have a Cas making misguided decisions guided entirely by his emotions – namely, not wanting to involve Dean with the war in heaven – which is peak human, honestly. Put a pin on how sad Dean is in both seasons with Cas’s absence. Finally, put a pin on this being our first moment of Cas doing things on his own to spare Dean and it not ending well (soulless!Sam, Cas “dying” after Leviathan) because this is *the* hurdle in their relationship (along with Dean’s lashing out and self-worth issues). With all this said, the marked distance between Dean and Cas in these seasons negates the possibility of them entering into any kind of relationship. Much like seasons 4 and 5, there’s too much going on.

Season 8:

Ah, yes, the summer of purgatory. If you thought we had pining before…! I think we’re all very clear on season 8 being a turning point for the show, not only because new showrunner, but we also get the bunker. TFW now has an HQ, which pretty soon becomes home. Yes, Baby will always be home, but the bunker becomes the *unmovable* safe haven that Baby couldn’t be. The bunker is a place to coalesce, and for all the amazing things Baby is, she is not that. The acquisition of the bunker marks a shift in the psychology of the show: with the stable home space we can start to imagine domesticity, a place to come home to, the stuff of ordinary living. Most of all, the bunker is emblematic of security, of safety –keep this in mind, as we go forward.

This season also continues to see Cas go down the path of independently solving his problems instead of asking for help from Sam and Dean (his family in a way heaven never was) – note that the better together issue is at play in different ways with Sam and Dean also, but I digress. I also want to point out disastrous instance #2 of Cas’s insistence on figuring it out on his own: he loses his grace, and the angels fall. As for Dean, season 8’s focus for him has much to do with Sam, and them coming face to face with their issues with codependency, which hit catastrophic levels with the gates of hell and Gadreel plots.

So despite all the deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much distance between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 plus slaughtering angels plus unleashing Leviathan. We do see Dean being more emotionally open with Cas and continue to voicing his wish that Cas would just stay with him and Sam, and let them help. It’s clear as day how much Dean cares. The timing is still bad, though.

Before moving on to next season, let’s take a moment to appreciate that this is the season Dean admits being kinda done with one night stands because “always with the adios.” Remember the bunker as a sign of stability? Yeah. I wouldn’t say Dean is craving a relationship, exactly, but I think we can see that he does want something more (ahem also I’m nodding to Cas refusing to stay put just cause).

Seasons 9 & 10:

The most important thing to happen between this two seasons is Cas’s stint as a human for an extended period of time. There’s been plenty of spec and meta written over the years about the effects of being human on Cas’s grace (a proto-soul now maybe?). What we can say for sure, regardless, is that Cas is much more humanized once he becomes an angel again. The understanding he gets from being human doesn’t go away once he regains his angel powers. You’ll notice that while we still see some of season 4’s characterization, Cas is not the same as he was – he is alien to angels now and is more intelligible to humans. Additionally, in an interesting reversal from previous seasons, we now get to see the depth of Cas’s feelings for Dean (thanks, Metatron) as well as seeing him be more open emotionally, while Dean does most of the pushing away (first because of Gadreel, then because of the Mark of Cain). In short, the timing is still bad as Dean and Cas are largely kept apart both physically and emotionally.

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait

This episode is my white whale, friends. While I’ve come to fully subscribe to the idea that something did happen between Dean and Cas during the fanfic gap, I don’t actually think it’s feasible that it marked the start of a relationship -- be it sexual or romantic. My reasoning here is quite simple: the timing is bad. Were it not for external events (Cas regaining his Grace and Dean taking on the MoC), the course would have likely differed. Furthermore, Dean’s guilt over making Cas leave the bunker as well as Cas’s own hurt and self-loathing pose a significant and as yet insurmountable obstacle, which is easily seen with how Dean and Cas’s character trajectories go separate ways.

YMMV on what exactly happened between them in that Motel, but something definitely did. Perhaps one day I’ll have a proper s9 trutherism post to link to here for more details (likely won’t be written by me, though). 

10.16 Paint It Black

From the point Dean gets the MoC until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible due to distancing, to say the least. Again, yes, the fic is really good, but alas. One of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. One, it’s a rare bit of explicit emotional honesty from Dean, and two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the Thing™ between them, it’s still uncharted waters. It’s scary, and murky, and they’re unsure how to navigated it or if they should even try. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6. Anyway, he’s the full confession:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. […]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. […]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Can I just say, first, that this confession keeps me up at night because we never actually see anything done with it explicitly? I mean, obviously, I think we do in fact see the effects of this confession in the show, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this behemoth, but still, like. Damn. Ok, so, remember when I brought up that thing in season 7 about Dean being kinda done with hook-ups? Here’s where that led us. We’re seeing a Dean here who wants more than what he has convinced himself he gets to have. He wants more than dying bloody. And when he talks about wanting to experience people and feelings differently, well, that says a lot not just on the queer coding front or the romantic front. I mean, jfc, Dean is accepting the idea that he can have more in life than just hunt until he drops, and he’s specifically talking about experiences at the interpersonal level.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more and maybe he can make himself be open to that (!!!), which all culminates in season 11, so…

Season 11:

The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Lucifer (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems: Cas checks out with Lucifer because he thinks it’s the only way he can help, Dean is caught up in the turmoil of Amara, the emblem of absence and avoidance of struggle. We do get something like an affirmation from the two of them to each other via Dean calling Cas his brother (and I want y’all to consider the historical queering of that statement, and Cas’s “I could go with you.” It feels like we’re headed to them being on the same page. By the end of the season, though, it feels like we’re getting a clean slate: Mary is back, nobody died, no end-of-the-world in sight, no interpersonal crisis. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. We’re gearing up for something, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What this season does that is super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible.

11.04 Baby

Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? That conversation between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development regarding the issues Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That’s awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we’re lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don’t … Ever want something more? DEAN: I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But … Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

We wouldn’t be talking about this stuff all these years after Sam and Dean had a serious relationship if it wasn’t important, right? Also who else do we meet this season? That’s right! Eileen! And doesn’t that hit different with season 15 hindsight? And who does Dean have that understands the life? Whose stories have been intricately connected to his? Right now, this is all conjecture. A pipe dream Sam is revisiting, and Dean is skeptical about. Except, well. Look at what we get in “Into the Mystic” and “The Chitters.”

11.11 Into The Mystic

I’m bringing up this episode as a cross reference to “Paint It Black” as well as to complement the talk from “Baby,” and to show, again, that, for all the closeness between Dean and Cas, there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. There’s still truths they haven’t told each other. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin’…If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years on the road, it’s when somebody’s pining for somebody else. […] Oh, don’t try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters

And here we see some validation to Sam’s imagining of a possible future with someone else. We actually see hunters who not only are married, but they both make it out alive. Jesse and Cesar get their happy ending. They make the dream come true. And the reality of it important not just for Dean to see, but Sam too.

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too, that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13.

Alright, now, having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in season 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point, in hindsight, after getting smacked by the domesticity of seasons 13 and 14.

II. Why Season 12

[Out of date section. Update coming soon when spoons. After significant debate, I’ve altered the definitive start of Dean and Cas’s friend-with-benefits-with-mutual-pining relationship to between 12.02 and 12.03. I briefly explained why here, and yes it’s a shitpost--still true tho.]

Finally, the promise land, y’all. Getting right to it: what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. That is, until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker and with the exception of seasons 13 and 14, it’s one of the first times we get to see how Cas might actually fit into the bunker-as-home. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. What we also see this season is Cas trying to prove he is worthy of this family, his family. He’s not fighting for heaven or to right some grievous wrong (a la s8). No, this season he’s fighting to spare the Winchester, to bring them a win. To bring Dean a win. The major disconnect is that Dean (and Sam & Mary) already sees Cas that way, he doesn’t think Cas has anything to prove. And just maybe, Cas starts believing that too – or, at least, believing it enough.

12.10 Lily Sunders Has Some Regrets

This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim).

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it. Oh, and, of course, let’s not forget to point to Dean’s face when Cas says that “I love you,” and how terrified he is that Cas is dying. Might make one rethink some things, hm?

12.19 The Future

This episode is simply hella suspicious, and all the kudos to Berens and Glynn for writing it. It’ll haunt me forever. Consider watching it again and just questioning everything. So. Weird things:

1. Dean’s reaction to Cas no getting in touch as opposed to Sam’s. Dean is pissed, which is Dean-speak for worried out of his mind. Sam is very worried, too, and puzzled, but he’s mostly expressing his relief that Cas is back. But Cas has gone awol before, but this time Dean is much more worked up about it; Sam takes note of this, too. Now, let’s imagine that maybe the events of 12.12 led to something happening between Dean and Cas. Then Cas decided to leave to find a lead on Kelly, but eventually Cas decides to work with Heaven and goes radio silent. For days. Having taken a chance, and something having happened between them, how would Dean react to Cas just going poof and not contacting him – despite Dean having called Cas multiple times.

2. Cas knows about the Colt. Ok, nothing off there. But when he goes to Dean’s room to talk, right after Dean leaves we see Cas looking around briefly. Like he know Dean would keep it in there. Maybe Cas had looked other places already. Who knows. What we do know is that eventually he does find the Colt not only in Dean’s room, but under Dean’s pillow. Sam didn’t even know the Colt wasn’t in the safe. So how did Cas know?

3.“He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But can you see Cas actually doing that if they hadn’t gone there previously? For Dean not to suspect anything and go with it? There’s plenty of plausible deniability here, but the gaps in time in the narrative make me question what is there in those spaces. The scene where Cas tried to give Dean the mixtape back doesn’t read like “playing,” so it’s about a different interaction. Hm. Hmmm.

4. Dean and Cas’s brief conversation in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together – because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth, but also ow.

5.And most importantly: When did Dean give Cas that mixtape??? How did that happen?

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him – Dean is clearly shook by it – Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) – Cas goes awol - Dean acts like he got ghosted by his new bf -?????- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow – "He went into my room and he played me."

What am I supposed to do with that, hm? Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But YMMV, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication.

III. Seasons 13 through 15 As Established Relationship

Regardless of what happened in season 12, exactly, I can’t shake the feeling that something did happen, and something did change. My reasoning here is actually really simple: in comparison to previous seasons, Dean and Cas’s dynamic shifts significantly come season 13. I know some folks have been disappointed with some of season 13 and then season 14 for having dialed back on the destiel side of things. And, hey, maybe there’s truth to that in terms of backstage stuff, but I also want to point out that...well, the dialing back isn’t quite dialing back is it? Let’s look at 13 a little more closely:

Season 13:

So I said the deancas dynamic changed, right? I also think that change caught us unaware because the pivotal turning point that would cue us in never happened on screen as well as being subsumed by Cas’s death and Jack’s birth. But if I ask you about deancas in season 13 what would come to mind? Grief arc? Brokebacknatural? How domestic Dean and Cas are? There’s just something easy about their relationship after Cas returns from the Empty. The tension we’d grown so familiar with over the years is gone. Actually, it feels like we skipped the getting together bit of their relationship and went straight to established relationship and parenting. Some of the most peak married deancas moments we see circulating? Season 13, (and 12.10). It’s a lot, and it’s different, and it’s amazing.

13.01-13.05

Dean’s grief mini-arc. He was acting like a widower. Here’s me vaguely gesturing towards the mapping of Jonh, Mary, Dean, and Sam onto Dean, Cas, Sam, and Jack. And the reunion? I can’t help but be giddy at the song choice: “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying.

13.06 Tombstone & 13.16 Scoobynatural

I’m not going at length about these episodes, I just want to point out that they reveal that Dean and Cas have a whole thing going on off screen: they watch movies together, Cas knows about Dean being an angry sleeper, Cas seems to have been aware of the Dean-cave before Sam was. It’s little things like this that are examples of the narrative gaps surrounding Dean and Cas that have cropped up over the years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wonder what else could be hiding there. And when did the movie nights alluded in “Tombstone” happen? Maybe in season 12 when Cas in hanging around the bunker? The same period when Dean and Cas seem to be coalescing into something safer and more stable? Something that we never see come to a head because plot happens and Cas dies? Something that is immediately taken back up once Cas is alive again?

Season 14:

Overall, this season is more of what we got during 13, but it had two high notes I wanted to single out before ending this already too long post.

14.15 Peace of Mind

Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t couple-y as hell.

14.18-14.20

Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established, and unaddressed, rift between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here: he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? What if Cas died again? And why should Cas put up with Dean’s behavior without knowing the cause? How can any relationship work this way? But notice how caught in the middle Sam was during all this. Notice how Jack is running off and acting out. The whole family is falling apart. Divorce arc, indeed.

Season 15:

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will-they-or-won’t-they because they already have. We’re are watching a getting back together plot! The tension is, instead, will-they-or -won’t-they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. That’s the crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned twelve fucking episodes -- y’all, that’s half a season.

And technically? We’re not even done with yet because Cas never let Dean finish his prayer/confession in purgatory. What’s more, Cas hasn’t grappled with his role in the breakdown of their relationship, either: that he keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. We’re waiting to see what else Dean had to say, and what will happen when Cas’s deal with the Empty comes to light.

Finally, could we still have this plot without Dean and Cas having gotten together off screen? Sure, but I think the stakes are higher if they already did have something between them. If they actually have an established romantic relationship going on. Something real and tangible and as of yet much too fragile.

"...you asked what about all this is real. We are."

[killianmesmalls]

On your comments about Jack: ye-es, in the sense that Jack is a character who definitely deserved better than he was treated by the characters. The way Dean especially treats him reflects very badly on Dean, no question. But, speaking as a viewer, I think the perspective needs to shift a little bit.

To me, Jack is Dawn from Buffy, or Scrappy Doo. He’s an (in my opinion) irritating kid who is introduced out of nowhere to be both super vulnerable and super OP, and the jeopardy is centered around him in a way that has nothing to do with his actual character or relationships. He’s mostly around to be cute and to solve or create problems — he never has any firm character arcs or goals of his own, nor any deeper purpose in the meta narrative. In this way, he’s a miss for SPN, which focuses heavily on conflicts as metaphors for real life.

Mary fits so much better in that framework, and introducing her as a developed, flawed person works really well with the narrative. It is easy for us to care about Mary, both as the dead perfect mother on the pedestal and as the flawed, human woman who could not live up to her sons’ expectations. That connection is built into the core of SPN, and was developed over years, even before she was a character. When she was added, she was given depth and nuance organically, and treated as a flawed, complex character rather than as a plot device or a contrivance. She was given a voice and independence, and became a powerful metaphor for developing new understandings of our parents in adulthood, as well as an interesting and well-rounded character. You care that she’s dead, not just because Sam and Dean are sad, but for the loss of her development and the potential she offered. So, in that sense, I think a lot of people were frustrated that she died essentially fridged for a second time, and especially in service of the arc of a weaker character.

And like, you’re right, no one can figure out if Jack is a toddler or a teenager. He’s both and he’s neither, because he’s never anything consistently and his character arc is always “whatever the plot needs it to be.” Every episode is different. Is he Dean’s sunny opportunity to be a parent and make up for his dad’s shitty parenting? Yes! Is he also Dean’s worst failure and a reminder that he has done many horrible things, including to “innocent” children? Yes! Is he Cas’s child? Yes! Is he Dean’s child? Yes! But also, no! Is he Sam’s child? Yes! Is he a lonely teenager who does terrible things? Yes! Is he a totally innocent little lamb who doesn’t get why what he is doing is wrong? Yes! Is he the most powerful being in the universe? Yes! Does he need everyone to take care of him? Yes! Is he just along for the ride? Yes! Is he responsible for his actions? Kinda??? Sometimes??? What is he???

Mary as a character is narratively cohesive and fleshed-out. Jack is a mishmash of confusing whatever’s that all add up to a frustrating plot device with no consistent traits to latch on to. Everything that fans like about him (cute outfits, gender play, well-developed parental bonds with the characters) is fanon. So, yes, the narrative prioritizes Mary. Many fans prioritize Mary, at least enough that Dean’s most heinous acts barely register. To the narrative (not to Cas, which is a totally different situation), Jack is only barely more of a character than Emma Winchester, who Sam killed without uproar seasons earlier. He’s been around longer, but he’s equally not really real.

I debated on responding to this because, to tell the truth, I think we fundamentally disagree on a number of subjects and, as they say, true insanity is arguing with anyone on the internet. However, you spent a lot of time on the above and I feel it's only fair to say my thoughts, even if I don't believe it will sway you any more than what you said changed my opinions.

I'm assuming this was in response to this post regarding how Jack's accidental killing of Mary was treated so severely by the brothers, particularly Dean, because it was Mary and, had it been a random character like the security guard in 13x06, it would have been treated far differently. However, then the argument becomes less about the reaction of the Winchester brothers to this incident and more the value of Jack or Mary to the audience.

I believe we need to first admit that both characters are inherently archetypes—Mary as the Madonna character initially then, later, as a metaphor for how imperfect and truly human our parents are compared to the idol we have as children, and Jack as the overpowered child who is a Jesus allegory by the end. Both have a function within the story to serve the Winchester brothers, through whose lens and with whose biases we are meant to view the show's events. We also need to admit that the writers didn't think more than a season ahead for either character, especially since it wasn't initially supposed to be Mary that came back at the end of season 11 but John, and they only wrote enough for Jack in season 13 to gauge whether or not the audience would want him to continue on or if he needed to be killed off by the end of the season. Now, I know we curate our own experiences online which leads to us being in our own fandom echo chambers, however it is important to note that the character was immediately successful enough with the general audience that, after his first episode or two, he was basically guaranteed a longer future on the show.

I have to admit, I’m not entirely sure why the perspective of how his character is processed by some audience members versus others has any bearing on the argument that he deserved to be treated better overall by the other characters especially when taking their own previous actions in mind. I’m not going to tell you that your opinion is wrong regarding your feelings for Jack. It’s your opinion and you’re entitled to it, it harms no one to have it and express it. My feelings on Jack are clearly very different from your own, but this is really just two different people who processed a fictional person in different ways. I personally believe he has a purpose in the Winchesters’ story, including Castiel’s, as he reflects certain aspects of all of them, gives them a way to explore their own histories through a different perspective, and changes the overall dynamic of Team Free Will from “soldiers in arms” to a family (Misha’s words). In the beginning he allows Sam to work through his past as the “freak” and powerful, dangerous boy wonder destined to bring hell on earth. With Dean, his presence lets Dean work through his issues with John and asks whether he will let history repeat itself or if he’ll work to break the cycle. Regarding Cas, in my opinion he helps the angel reach his “final form” of a father, member of a family, lover and protector of humanity, rebellious son, and the true show of free will. 

From strictly the story, he has several arcs that work within themes explored in Supernatural, such as the argument of nature versus nurture, the question of what we’re willing to give up in order to protect something or someone else and how ends justify the means, and the struggle between feeling helpless and powerless versus the corruptive nature of having too much power and the dangerous lack of a moral compass. His goals are mentioned and on display throughout his stint on the show, ones that are truly relatable to some viewers: the strong desire to belong—the need for family and what you’ll do to find and keep it. 

With Mary, we first need to establish whether the two versions of her were a writing flaw due to the constant change in who was dictating her story and her relationship to the boys, which goes against the idea that her characterization was cohesive and fleshed-out but, rather, put together when needed for convenience, or if they both exist because, as stated above, we are seeing the show primarily through the biased lens of the Winchester brothers and come to face facts about the true Mary as they do. Like I said in my previous post, I don’t dislike Mary and I don’t blame her for her death (either one). However, I do have a hard time seeing her as a more nuanced, fleshed-out character than Jack. True, a lot of her problems are more adult in nature considering she has to struggle with losing her sons’ formative years and meeting them as whole adults she knows almost nothing about, all because of a choice she made before they were born. 

However, her personal struggles being more “mature” in nature (as they center primarily on parental battles) doesn’t necessarily mean her story has layers and Jack’s does not. They are entirely different but sometimes interconnected in a way that adds to both of their arcs, like Mary taking Jack on as an adoptive son which gives her the moments of parenting she lost with Sam and Dean, and Jack having Mary as a parental figure who understands and supports him gives him that sense of belonging he had just been struggling with to the point of running away while he is also given the chance to show “even monsters can do good”. 

I’d also argue that Jack being many ages at once isn’t poor writing so much as a metaphor for how, even if you’re forced to grow up fast, that doesn’t mean you’re a fully equipped adult. I don’t want to speak for anyone else, but I believe Jack simultaneously taking a lot of responsibility and constantly trying to prove to others he’s useful while having childish moments is relatable to some who were forced to play an adult role at a young age. He proves a number of times that he doesn’t need everyone to take care of him, but he also has limited life experience and, as such, will make some mistakes while he’s also being a valuable member of the group. Jack constantly exists on a fine line in multiple respects. Some may see that as a writing flaw but it is who the character was conceived to be: the balance between nature or nurture, between good and evil, between savior and devil. 

Now, I was also frustrated Mary was “fridged” for a second time. It really provided no other purpose than to give the brothers more man pain to further the plot along. However, this can exist while also acknowledging that the way it happened and the subsequent fallout for Jack was also unnecessary and a sign of blatant hypocrisy from Dean, primarily, and Sam. 

And, yes, Jack can be different things at once because, I mean, can’t we all? If Mary can be both the perfect mother and the flawed, independent, distant parent, can’t Jack be the sweet kid who helps his father-figures process their own feelings on fatherhood while also being a lost young-adult forcing them to face their failures? Both characters contain multitudes because, I mean, we all do. 

I can provide articles or posts on Jack’s characterization and popularity along with Mary’s if needed, but for now I think this is a long enough ramble on my thoughts and feelings. I’m happy to discuss more, my messenger is always open for (polite) discussion. Until then, I’m going to leave it at we maybe agree to disagree. 

[gallavictorious]

bottom!mickey nonnie here, i had some more thoughts in response to your reply, if you don't mind? :) i can see where the trust aspect might come into play for mickey re: bottoming and i understand your thought process. the only thing that makes me doubt that is how quickly that trust must have been established between him and ian if that is the case. they haven't been fucking for that long when kash walks in on them (which is the first instance we actually know mickey bottoms). i suppose that there could have been a lot of off-screen developments and interactions, but it's too quick imo. their relationship in season one seems more puppy-love to me rather than a deep bond (which i see as starting to form in season two). the way i see it, the only level of trust that needs to be established is "i know you won't tell anyone because you're also closeted and you won't treat me like a bitch because if you do, i'll beat you tf up and just never fuck you again" which is pretty shallow and something mickey could probably have reached with other guys, too. idk, i just don't see their relationship in season one as deep enough for mickey to start trusting ian with things he's worried or insecure about. it makes more sense to me that he lets ian fuck him because it's not that big a deal, rather than because he's already let ian past his walls. we know that ian is all in by that point, but i just don't think mickey is. he likes ian, is drawn to him (probably against his better judgement), but that's as far as it goes, as i see him. since there are such few scenes between them in season one we have no choice but to make our own interpretations, and those are bound to differ. i've just never seen mickey indicate that he thinks bottoming = being a bitch, or even that it's something he worries about. the only thing to support that would be his attitude to prison, but like i said before, i don't think mickey views sex in prison the same as he views sex on the outside. he probably views everything in prison differently. on the outside, with guys who share his secret? i don't think it's too much of a stretch that he would just do what he wants. the danger is the same either way. just my interpretation of him, of course :)

Hiya, Bottom!Mickey Nonnie No. 1!

I don't mind one little bit; in fact, I'm delighted! Apart from enjoying the fun discussion, it's always gratifying to hear back from anons: you usually never actually know if your answer has reached them.

First off, you're damned right it's quick! I personally don't subscribe to the idea that Mickey knew that Ian was gay or had a crush on him preceding their 1x07 tryst (nothing wrong with that notion, btw, it just doesn't appeal to me), so when they suddenly start tearing off each other's clothes that's very sudden. I tend to assume there might have a tiny bit of vague interest prior to this, the proximity and tussling triggers mutual attraction, they both spring boners, and yeah, off they go? You're also quite right in (implicitly) pointing out that we don't know that they had penetrative sex at that time – maybe they moved up from mutual handjobs or just plain grinding to something more a few trysts later. Either way, you make a good point about the danger of sex outside of lock-up would be the same regardless of whether Mickey bottoms or not. I'd never really thought about that before, so thank you for pointing that out!

However, it's probable that the reason I haven't thought very much about it is because when I speak of Mickey's easy trust for Ian I don't primarily mean him trusting Ian not to reveal his secrets to anyone else, but trust him to know Mickey in a way others are not allowed – and here we disagree and that is fine. :) If you see Mickey as unbothered by being into bottoming, you can certainly find support for that in the narrative. We do have the famous ”liking what I like”-line, which absolutely can be taken at face value! The fact that I tend to interpret it as (partly) Mickey being deliberately unapologetic because he feels a bit uneasy about his preferences and is somewhat defensive about Ian's brief allusions to common prejudices around bottoming, has more to do with my assumption that – given Mickey's circumstances – this is something that Mickey's likely to feel insecure about. He's internalized his father's homophobia to some degree; it just seems reasonable to me that he'd have internalized Terry's strong conviction that Milkoviches don't bottom too. (He certainly seems ready to embody that when he attacks Ian's army fuck buddy in season 3, citing the need to kick him straight because he's the one taking it up the ass. However, that could also totally performative or seen as him making a twisted kind of in-joke, so it's hardly conclusive.) Furthermore, I feel that it's not unreasonable to question Mickey's sincerity in regards to the line mentioned above, since we do have instances of him acting seemingly geuninely dismissive even when we know he probably cares quite a bit. I'm thinking primarily about his reaction to Ian's sex strike in season 11; I just don't buy he was unbothered by that, but there's nothing in the way he expresses his lack of concern that suggests it's insincere. This doesn't mean that I think my reading of the line is the correct one, though, just that it's a possible reading given what else we know of Mickey.

But of course, this really is just my assumptions and interpretations. It's very possible to infer from his actions onscreen that Mickey is totally unconcerned about bottoming, and always has been. After all, Mickey is in many ways a genuinely confident person, and I think this extends to his sex life. (I just think there's insecurity and concern, too... Basically, I think Mickey's relationship with his own sexuality and preferences is complicated, a paradoxical tangle of confidence and shame. I find this complexity is fascinating, and if we're being honest that's probably one of the reasons why I'm not so eager to let go of the notion of it.)

That said, though, and regardless of whether or not bottomingrequires any particular trust on Mickey's part, I think we dohave some concrete evidence of Mickey letting Ian past his walls already in 1x07. Not the sex – because we don't know anything about that – but the return of the gun after. That look on Mickey's face just then? That's vulnerability. He knows that by giving the weapon back when he doesn't have to, he shows hint of a softness he can ill afford people to know he possesses at this point. It's walls dropped, if only for a moment, and I just don't see him allowing that with many – if any – other people. While it isvery quick and while there's no telling whyor how, I firmly believe that there is an immediate trust between them that goes beyond just sex. It might not be logical, but I think it's there, and that this easy, natural understanding is a huge part of what has them coming back to each other again and again in spite of the odds being stacked overwhelmingly against them. Like you, though, I don't see this as a deep bond or anything, not this early. Ian falls in love quickly and easily; for Mickey is a much slower process, because he fights even the possibility of it tooth and claw.

And ah, I'm aware that in my first response to you I promised to elaborate on my thoughts on Mickey's stint in Mexico in my reply to Bottom!Mickey Nonnie No. 2, but I ended up cutting that because it got absurdly long in comparision to my notes on what they were actuallyasking about, and that didn't seem fair or relevant to them. However, I now have a third (and a fourth... apparently this is a subject dear to your hearts, sweet followers) Bottom!Mickey Nonnie in my inbox, so if this is something you're interested in, despair not! We'll get there!

Thank you so much for getting in touch, both with your first ask and with this follow-up. I've enjoyed reading your thoughts, and developing my own in response to them, immensely! I highly value being able to civilly disagree and argue viewpoints without either side feeling the need to convince the other, so this has been a real treat. <3

[avatarquake]

Can we all collectively panic now? Ichabod is cursed, isn’t he? And he can’t use his magic power right. Maris said she’s always had trouble getting spells to stick to him, which to me means, his green flames? is Maris opening a channel to the Ether for him to use, but it needs to be reopened semi-frequently, with increasing need and difficulty since ‘Do No Harm’ and the snakes. 

And Maris has been trying to find out more about Ichabod’s condition, but since he himself has no earthly idea who and what he is and what happened to him, but also has an...explosive aversion to looking into it, hasn’t let her run any sort of test. Probably the reason why they broke up in the first place, too. Mentioning Liam, means Ichabod could very well end up almost like him, either a ghost or in a coma or some shit.

And then, there’s Ellie. He hasn’t told her what is wrong with him. And while it sounds majorly hypocritical of him, to expect full honesty from her, while he keeps something as major as his powers being on a dwindling spiral, for whatever reason, he does have a point on how exactly you breach such a topic. He did tell Greg she saw the good in others whether they deserved it (Greg), or not (he was referring to himself, wasn’t he? He must have been wanting to talk to Ellie about his problem -maybe pass it off as a result of the snake bite?- but also didn’t want to worry her any more than she already is for him, which, probably must be something new to him, for someone to worry for him without knowing all of his known past and his condition?) (Which, begs the question; did Ichabod one day stumble upon Simon, sort of amnesiac and with wonky-ass powers that seem to come and mostly go? And Simon asked Maris for help, because he may be doctor, but that obviously needed a witch’s expertise?)

Did he handle introducing Ellie to the magic world well? Eh...he did comme çi-comme ça. In the six months working together, they were way too lucky and didn’t need to visit Simon for any medical emergencies -at least not while working together (though we can argue a good chunk of that time was spent on Ichabod training Ellie on how to use her flames). And when he did tell her about Simon, he forgot to mention he was a vampire. (The dumb squash-face did jobs solo in those six months, he had talked both to Simon and Maris about Ellie, before she met them, fight me.) We don’t exactly know when he told her about Maris, but she didn’t look surprised about her being there, when Saul assumed they had a difficult case, so Ellie must have been aware she was a rather formidable witch. She was shocked Ichabod and Maris were together and he never brought it up. (Which, okay, personal, he didn’t need to, but Ellie’s shock probably alludes to the partners being somewhat open about some things about their pasts. At least not the heavy stuff?)

And beside those two, whom he seems to be visiting purely for medical needs anymore, both probably pushing him about his past while trying to find a way to save him, he doesn’t seem like he talks to other people often? Kathrine sees him even less, seeing as she knew Ellie from her stint as a librarian assistant and not as his partner. (We also assume Kathrine is just a human with an interest to the paranormal and that’s how she got to be Ichabod’s from time-to-time source of information when he didn’t know something.) (Though how many times did he need to take some shaken damsel to the back room for Saul not to even look up, is questioningly suggestive eyebrow-raising.)

So, yeah. Part 8 ‘What We Pretend To Be’, will might have Ichabod either confronting his hypocrisy, but probably not telling Ellie just yet, or it’s a jab/pun at the theatre setting of their latest hunt.

[lovelucybradford]

I Pretend You’re Mine (All the Damn Time).  One

Tumblr’s hottest new Derek HalexOC fic is “I Pretend You’re Mine (All the Damn Time)”. Fueled by one too many rom-coms and the author’s thirst for Tyler Hoechlin, this fic has EVERYTHING: childhood friends to lovers, fake engagement, mutual pining, Derek Hale’s family alive and well, and SLOW BURN (oh so slow). 

One: get me with those green eyes, baby.

“Yo Rosie, you better go over there. Cinderella’s about to steal your man,” Stiles commented nonchalantly, sipping on a Coke from a paper cup. He was trying to hide his smile, but Rosalie could see right through him. 

 “Shut up, Stiles. He’s not my man.” Rosalie rolled her eyes, but didn’t stray her focus from Derek, Cinderella, and her niece, Charlotte. The young girl who was playing Cinderella couldn’t be older than twenty-one. (Way too young for the man.) Sure enough, she had her dainty hand on Derek’s bicep, likely commenting on his muscles. (That had happened with Ariel, an hour before. To which Rosalie thought that she’d be able to fill out those seashells much better.)

  Derek laughed, scratching the back of his neck—a sure sign that he was uncomfortable with all of the attention. It had been his tell for as long as Rosalie had known him—verging on twenty-five years, give or take the time that they’d spent apart in college and Rosalie’s four-year stint living with her father’s family in New York City (a mistake, big mistake).

 That had been a change; Derek used to eat up all of the attention from women when they were younger. A lot had changed with the two friends through the years; lovers had come and go, lessons learnt the hard way—but the one thing that hadn’t changed was their connection to each other. No one quite understood Rose the way that Derek did, and she’d like to think that nobody understood Derek like she did. 

 Charlotte pointed one blue-painted nail towards her aunt, and suddenly all eyes were on her. “Auntie Rosie! Come here!” she called loudly.

 Rosalie obliged, excusing herself from Lydia and Stiles to join Charlotte, Derek, and the princess. Cinderella smiled kindly at Rosalie, eyes briefly flicking up to her hair. She turned to Derek and asked, “Is this your princess?”

To which Rosalie flushed a bright shade of red. Cinderella was likely referring to Rosalie’s elaborate updo. Her red hair was covered in green glitter, complete with a sparkling, emerald-encrusted tiara. Charlotte, ever the shy child, had been nervous to go to the Bippity Boppity Boutique by herself, and convinced her aunt to play along. So, Rosalie had gotten the works, and Derek and Stiles teased her incessantly all day. She didn’t mind, really. She’d do anything for the kid, whether that be to sell her soul or literally become her childhood moniker.

Derek chuckled apprehensively and ducked his head. Charlotte answered for them both, giving Stiles Stilinski more fodder for his jokes.

“Yeah! This is my Auntie Rose. Uncle Derek calls her princess,” Charlotte smiled proudly. In the distance, Stiles guffawed, and Lydia leaned her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder. Likely hiding her own laugh, for Rosalie’s benefit.

Rosalie stumbled over her own words. “I…um…childhood nickname. Anyways, Char, do you want a photo so the nice people behind us get a chance to meet Cinderella, too?”

The four posed for the photo, Derek and Rosalie on either side of the princess and Charlotte, curtseying, in front. Lydia snapped a quick photo on her own phone and on Rosalie’s. Then, Rosalie graciously thanked Cinderella and the photographer, eager to get the hell out of the awkward situation.

Derek swept Charlotte up on to his shoulders, giving a polite nod before he turned to leave as well. Cinderella tapped him on the arm, and added, “Have a magical day! Your girlfriend is beautiful.”

Rosalie lost her footing at Cinderella’s words, almost crashing embarrassingly to the floor if it weren’t for Lydia’s supportive hand on her wrist. She let Lydia lead her out of the building, feeling quite lightheaded all of a sudden.

The sun had set in the near hour that they had waited to meet the princesses. The stars in the sky sparkled above, bringing a whole new sense of magic to ‘The Most Magical Place on Earth’.

“Oh my God, this picture is so cute. I’m def posting it on Instagram,” Lydia said, smiling down at her phone. She moved closer to her cousin so Rosalie could see the photo as well.

Rosalie cringed. “Um, no you’re not.” Charlotte looked adorable, as she always did. Rosalie, well—Rosalie looked exactly as she felt in that very moment. The pink in her cheeks perfectly matched the tapestry behind them, and she couldn’t blame that shade of red on a blossoming sunburn. And Derek—he looked like a deer in the headlights, wide-eyed with a tight-lipped smile. Even when mortified he still managed to look gorgeous.

It hurt Rosalie’s heart just a little bit to think that Derek was mortified because someone thought they were together. But she buried that feeling once she saw Stiles saunter towards them, Derek and a chattering Charlotte in tow.

“Too late. I already did,” Lydia announced, lips tilting into a playful smile.

“Already did what?” Derek peeked over the women’s heads.

He groaned loudly, making Charlotte laugh. “Please tell me you didn’t just post that on Instagram. God, Laura’s never going to let me live this down.”

Rosalie tilted her head upward and smirked at her best friend. “Just wait until I tell her that you got hit on by Cinderella.” She laughed at Derek’s flared nostrils and pursed lips. He smacked her on the shoulder blade with the hand that wasn’t supporting Charlotte, who was clutching Derek’s black baseball-cap covered head with both little hands.

Charlotte tilted her head, befuddled. “What does ‘hit on’ mean?”

Rosalie and Derek stayed silent, neither one wanting to answer. Stiles replied for them, winking up at the little girl. “It means that Cinderella liked your Uncle Derek. Anywho, I’m thinking that we hit that Millennium Falcon ride.”

Rosalie checked her phone. “Can’t, Stiles. We have to head to dinner.”

Stiles sighed. “Please God, tell me your father won’t be joining us, Rosalie. I already have to deal with him for a whole week. If I have to spend more time with him than that, I might chop off my arm with a lightsaber.”

Lydia checked the map, and the group began their trek towards the restaurant.

“What’s Stiles talking about?” Derek asked as he hiked Charlotte further up his shoulders.

“The Martin Family Reunion,” Lydia commented, looking pointedly at Rosalie. Rosalie, who had forgotten all about it. And furthermore, forgotten about the little white lie she’d made when she RSVP’d. “A weeklong cruise hosted by Rosalie’s father.”

Lydia pursed her lips, green eyes flitting back and forth between her cousin and the path in front of her. “The one that Drew will be at… with his new fiancée, Ashleigh.”

The mention of the two made Rosalie sick. It had been a blow to Rosalie, when she’d seen that Instagram post on her sister’s profile. She was stupid to think that it couldn’t get worse than her ex and her sister sleeping together behind her back. Then they had to go and get engaged, a sure reminder to Rosalie that Drew, the one love of her life, would never really be gone from it.

“Gross,” Charlotte said. “Drew the Douchebag.”

Rosalie’s mouth gaped in repulsion. She glared scoldingly up at her niece. “Charlotte Marie Martin, who told you that?”

Charlotte had the nerve to not look guilty at all. She innocently smiled back at her aunt. “Daddy… and Uncle Derek.”

Rosalie turned her glare to Derek, whose shoulders were shaking, and not because of the weight of the five-year-old perched on them. “You’ve never even met Drew,” she hissed.

Derek kept his gaze straight forward. “I didn’t have to, not with what he did.”

“Can’t argue there,” Stiles chimed in, and Rosalie smacked him on the back of the head.

Derek stopped, and Rosalie thought he was going to apologize. Instead, he crouched down. “Ok, Charlie. Why don’t you walk with Auntie Rose for a while? Uncle Derek’s shoulders hurt.”

Charlotte clambered off of Derek and into the welcoming hand of her aunt. Rosalie couldn’t stay mad at Charlotte. It wasn’t her fault that Rosalie’s brother let things slip. Charlie just mimicked what her father said.

Rosalie didn’t speak the rest of the way. She was too angry with what Derek and her brother had been saying behind her back. (Even though she knew they spoke the truth.)

“Rosalie? Lydia?” came a call from behind the group. Rosalie didn’t have to turn around in her beach chair to know who it was. She shifted the sleeping little girl in her lap slightly so she could sink down in it, ducking her head.

Derek snorted a laugh. “What are you doing?” His stare flickered between Rosalie and Lydia (who was in a similar position in her own chair), green eyes full of amusement.

“I’m invisible. I’m not here. I don’t exist,” Rosalie whispered, eyes scrunched shut and wishing it into reality.

Derek crouched, meeting Rosalie’s line of sight. “Why are we hiding?”

“Shh!” she shushed him with a finger to her lips. “You remember my crazy Aunt Susie?”

“Your dad’s sister? The one who looks like the female version of Donald Trump?”

“Yes. Also known as the family gossip. She will undoubtedly say something shitty about Drew and Ashleigh’s engagement.”

Derek scoffed. “Fuck them.” As an afterthought, he added, “You know what, fuck her too.”

Rosalie swatted him on the forearm. “Children, Derek. There are children present.”

Derek rolled his eyes. “I didn’t say it that loud… and the kid is asleep.”

“Yo Lydia, Rosalie, Derek. I’m back with the contraband.” Stiles weaved between chairs and the standing crowd, arms full of paper drink cups and soft pretzels.

Lydia kicked him in the shin. “Shut up, Stiles.”

Stiles looked amused. “Why are you whispering?”

“Yoo Hoo! Rosalie Anne! Lydia Isabella! You can’t hide from your Aunt Susie!” Rosalie’s aunt yelled, words slurred with her southern drawl, and likely a bit of alcohol.

Stiles’ eyes widened, and he too ducked down. “Forget I asked.”

A slim, bony finger poked Rosalie on her bun-topped head. Aunt Susie shuffled around the chairs to stand in front of the group. With no escape in sight, Rosalie and her friends sighed and straightened themselves up.

“Oh, my,” Aunt Susie chirped, grabbing hold of both Rosalie’s and Lydia’s cheeks. “Look at how much you two have grown!”

Rosalie smiled kindly, as she was taught to do from a young age. She hoped if she obliged in conversation, then Aunt Susie would leave quicker and they could enjoy their night in peace.

Aunt Susie’s smile fell when her eyes swept over Lydia’s boyfriend. “And Steve…nice to see you again.”

Stiles scratched his chin, mumbling, “It’s um…Stiles. Stiles Stilinski.”

But Aunt Susie paid no mind. Her attention was completely on the man that sat to Rosalie’s left. Her eyes scanned him, seemingly sizing him up. Or checking him out. Likely the latter, Rosalie thought, knowing her aunt.

“Well, Rosalie. Who’s this?” she drawled, looking quite like a cat watching its prey.

Derek straightened out and forced a smile. He held out a hand for her to shake. “Derek Hale, ma’am.” Derek’s mother had instilled politeness in her son, even if he didn’t like the person. And Rosalie knew that Derek wasn’t fond of Rosalie’s father’s side of the family.

She took it, shaking too enthusiastically. A sense of recognition washed over her plump face, and her hand stilled. “Derek Hale… little Derek Hale? Why, you’ve grown, too. When was the last time I saw you? Ten years ago?”

Derek smirked, fire in his eyes. Rosalie prepared herself for the inevitable shit talking, already planning damage control. “Actually, it was fourteen years ago. At the second wedding of Jason Martin. When your brother married his mistress and left Rosalie, Levi, and Ms. Hart.”

Stiles snorted noisily, placing a hand over his mouth to cover up his laughter. Lydia cracked a smile, too. Rosalie kicked Derek, hard. Well, as hard as she could with a child still sleeping soundly on her lap.

Aunt Susie’s mouth opened and closed in shock, for once at a loss for words.

Charlotte woke at just the right time, deterring the awkward silence. She stretched and yawned loudly, then sat up in Rosalie’s lap. Her tiara was crooked, and her eye makeup was smudged, but she still looked cute. Rosalie wished she looked that nice after sleeping in her makeup.

“Aunt Susie!” she cried at the sight of her great-aunt, wrapping the woman in a hug. Ah, childhood innocence. Charlie didn’t know what the real world was like, what her extended family was really like, and Rosalie preferred to keep her naivety.

Charlotte easily engaged Aunt Susie in an excitable conversation. Rosalie, eerily conscious of eyes on her, shifted her ring between the fingers of both hands. It was an impulse buy, the vintage sapphire with the white gold band. She’d seen it on display in one of the shop windows and absolutely had to have it, even if it was way more than she’d ever spend on herself.

“Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you on the cruise in a few weeks.” Aunt Susie turned to leave. Her eyes caught something, and she halted, wide-eyed.

“Oh, my stars,” she commented, hands on her heart. “I… I thought after Drew you were a hopeless case, but…”

Rosalie couldn’t comprehend why her aunt was getting choked up. And the ‘hopeless case’ comment stung more than she would have liked.

Sweet, sweet Charlie reached up to dry her great-aunt’s tears. The damage was already done—white tear tracks contrasted starkly with the tangerine of the older woman’s self-tanner. “What’s wrong, Aunt Susie?”

Aunt Susie, so overwhelmed with emotion, didn’t register the little girl’s words. Instead, she grabbed Derek’s hand. It hung limply in hers. Derek looked alarmed. “Oh, Rosalie’s father will be absolutely thrilled to see you… both of his baby girls… first Drew and Ashleigh…”

Aunt Susie shook her head and dabbed at her eyes with the bottom of her red Mickey Mouse t-shirt.

With her resolve back, she straightened. “Well now, please tell me you’re coming on the cruise?”

“I, um…” Derek stuttered, looking to his best friend for help. Rosalie had no idea what was going on either, and just shrugged in response.

“Well, you absolutely must go now! Of course, Lydia and her wild boyfriend are coming--”

Stiles quietly muttered something along the lines of “I may be wild, but at least I’m not one step away from the loony bin, lady.” Rosalie leaned her elbow on the armrest and laughed into her palm.

“--and Rosie, you absolutely have to bring your fiancé,” Aunt Susie pleaded, looking straight at Derek.

Rosalie couldn’t look at him. She froze, stock still, staring in horror at the sapphire ring that had migrated from her right ring finger onto her left. Where an engagement ring would go. And her new piece of jewelry sure as hell looked like an engagement ring.

“YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED?!” Charlotte squealed loudly, clasping her hands in glee.

Rosalie was about to deny it, let the little girl down easy, when Charlotte began to cry.

“Char, why are you crying?” Rosalie asked, voice shaking. She couldn’t look anywhere else but at her niece, heart beating heavily in her chest.

“I’m just… I’m so, so, happy,” Charlotte sniffled. “I love you so much, Uncle Derek.” The little girl climbed over Rosalie and hopped into Derek’s lap, engulfing him in a huge hug. Derek didn’t hug her back, but only for a miniscule moment. He shook his head, coming to his senses, and then wrapped his arms around the girl, patting her back stiffly.

“You didn’t tell her?” Aunt Susie asked Rosalie, accusingly. Rosalie looked to her right for help. Stiles and Lydia were silently sharing a soft pretzel, looking just as stunned as Rosalie.

“No… um, we were going to tell Charlotte during the fireworks. Right, Rosie?” Derek mumbled, saving face. Rosalie thanked him silently for his quick wit.

Rosalie’s head whipped in the opposite direction. She met Derek’s apprehensive eyes. It was almost as if he was asking permission, like he actually agreed to go along with this whole charade.

It was the perfect ruse if Rosalie could ever think of one. A month ago, she’d drunkenly RSVP’d with a plus one to the family reunion cruise, as a way to save her pride and spite her family, who likely thought that she’d come alone and pine for her ex.

No way in hell, she’d thought. Even though there was no one in her life that she could even remotely think of to bring as a date. Derek was out of the question, before…

But now…

She subtly raised a brow, wordlessly asking, are you sure?

Derek subtly nodded back, lip quirking in a reassuring half smile.

Rosalie cleared her throat and straightened herself to her tallest seated height. She wasn’t confident at all, so she was going to fake it till she made it. “That’s right. We were going to wait until the fireworks, make it more magical for Charlotte.”

The speakers on the green lamppost next to them announced that the show was starting. Aunt Susie left them all with a wave and a ‘see you soon’.

No one spoke during the show, except for Charlotte, who was oblivious to the mess that she’d inadvertently got them into.

“So, I guess you’re my fiancée now,” Derek joked, lightly shoving Rosalie in the side. She smiled shyly up at her best friend. Amusement shined in his eyes. He wasn’t mad or appalled like Rosalie suspected him to be. Thank God.

“I, um, I guess I am,” Rosalie replied, swinging her now free arms beside her. Stiles had taken over the task of carrying a sleepy Charlotte to the car. He and Lydia trailed behind them, whispering. Likely about Derek and Rosalie’s… predicament.

“Dude, you two are fucked,” Stiles said, appearing suddenly on Rosalie’s left.

“So fucked,” Lydia affirmed after checking to see if Charlotte was still sleeping.

Rosalie couldn’t help but agree.

[perkynurples]

... May I ask you about the slow excruciating progression from Meng Yao to Jiggy?

also paging @holdmycaffeine and @cadencekismet, who asked me for the very same, and @acutebird-fics, who is my partner in crime deep philosophical discussions about these characters, and a great deal of this messy essay is informed by those

Tl;dr: JGY is a multifaceted character and the author struggles not to lose her mind trying to find the right words to describe that. Literally every single point of this rant is up for discussion, begging for it even, so please don’t hesitate to engage me, but, like... tomorrow, maybe. After I sleep it off.

Meta I used or referenced: THIS ONE explaining how JGS deciding to give him the name GuangYao is all kinds of wrong | THIS ONE talking about the red bindi-like Jin forehead dots, among other things | THIS ONE about his capacity for evil and his own recognition thereof

-

Alright, without any fancy preamble, here goes. Honestly, whenever I think about JGY for more than three seconds, it becomes painfully evident that there are two wolves inside me at all times - one wants to spend tens of thousands of words exploring his narrative, his choices, his abilities and his failings, his capacity for violence as well as his capacity for love...

And the other one just likes to call him a gremlin in chief in a fancy hat, and doesn’t want to go much further than that. I’m going to try and feed them both.

The thing that pisses me off about Meng Yao is just. The fact that he doesn’t stay Meng Yao, and we get to watch it happen in slow motion. You get a tiny little twink-ass kid who suddenly finds himself adopted into the Nie by the Sect Leader himself, and this is Meng Yao, the son of one of Jin Guangshan’s many mistresses, who doesn’t have a whole lot going for him aside from that, at that moment - his cultivation, weak. His opportunities, nonexistent. His dick, small. His political savvy, only just starting to show itself.

And this guy gets the chance of a lifetime presented to him on a Qinghe-silver platter. Like, we can argue about book canon and try and decide if he did anything at all to make NMJ notice him, but show canon makes it all the more hilarious (again, please refer to this gem of a post for a level of humor I’m sorely incapable of) - you’re seventeen, and the Batman of the cultivation world picks you up and elevates your status across swathes of societal norms, to a level you previously could have only dreamed of.

It’s interesting to me to try and imagine if this was the moment that Meant Something - in the grand scope of things, of course it did, because it started MY on the road to JGY, but also to Meng Yao personally, in terms of what he believed he could comfortably achieve. I do not for a second believe he started out wanting to murder people to reach his goal, or that he even had a good goal to begin with - being accepted by his father, maybe. Murdering the (at the time) greatest villain in the world, becoming a renowned spy, landing an incredibly beneficial sworn brotherhood, et cetera et cetera? I mean, the kid has wet dreams, but no way do they reach this far at this point in his life.

But so many things about him are unclear. Show canon changes his timeline, in that he met NMJ before he met Lan Xichen, and even accompanied NHS to the Cloud Recesses. Either way, his stint with the Nie is incredibly personally important to him. I firmly believe he loved and admired them, in his own way. He certainly flourished under NMJ’s tutelage and approval, but in the end, his motivations, his entire raison d’etre, clashed with NMJ’s too much. To Meng Yao, who’d gotten kicked down those infamous Koi Tower stairs for daring to ask for his father’s attention, murdering a guy for slandering him and his mother was a natural outcome of being slandered his entire life, and finally having had enough - to NMJ, it was unforgivable.

But this still isn’t where Meng Yao becomes Jin Guangyao, and it begs the goddamn question - how much of what JGY was perfectly willing and capable of doing to stay in power, had been present in Meng Yao that entire time? You see him make excuses that someone who isn’t NMJ, with his incredibly staunch morals and black-and-white view of the world, might have even accepted, but instinctively, you know - making excuses is just how it’s going to be with this guy.

Because Meng Yao, as well as Jin Guangyao, lies, and he is damn good at it. He is so good at it, that he lies his way to the very top of the Wen, all the way to Wen Ruohan’s side. His lying is what enables him to become Jin Guangyao. And like any good liar, he doesn’t only lie to the people around him - he also lies to himself.

And I can’t blame him, because - been there. Lying to yourself becomes absolutely necessary, when you want to keep everyone else around you believing in a mask you wear. You need to start believing it, at least a little bit, at least sometimes, for it to work.

At this point, you’re probably wondering - but Annie, what about the time he spent a year sheltering Lan Xichen? Did he lie then? Was he not just Meng Yao, a poor but cunning bookkeeper, then? I’m getting there, I swear. Slowly and in a roundabout sort of way, because honestly, I don’t know how I can start talking about the LXC of it all, without it turning into a novel.

Because whichever way you twist it, whatever canon you choose to follow, one constant remains - A-Yao’s feelings for Lan Xichen. I’m deliberately not calling him Meng Yao or Jin Guangyao, because it’s these feelings that divide the two, but also ultimately unify them, fatally so. But we’ll get there.

In one version of events, Meng Yao travels to Cloud Recesses at the behest of NMJ, and falls in love with a statue made of jade there. In another version of events, they meet during something LXC only describes as ‘the shame of a lifetime’. Both of those events lead to Meng Yao sheltering LXC, hiding him, saving his life and those precious Gusu Lan texts.

Whatever version of events you choose to see as the right one, one other truth also remains - Lan Xichen offers freely and without asking that which Meng Yao has had to struggle to attain, that which has been denied to him time and time again, based only on the circumstances of his birth: respect. Lan Xichen never looks down on him, never brings up his origins, and instead extends him respect and dignity in a way only he is capable of - no fucking wonder Meng Yao admires him. No fucking wonder, when this amazing guy, this perfect pristine handsome number one young cultivator, looks at him, smiles at him, and actually sees him, son of a whore or not.

No fucking wonder Meng Yao loves him, and Jin Guangyao continues loving him. No fucking wonder he never means to hurt him, but does so anyway.

But here’s the thing - lying to yourself to make things work only gets you so far. Do I think Meng Yao spends restless nights in cold sweat dreading who he’s becoming, thinking about all the lives he’s taken to further his goals? Absolutely not. Do I think he does good things, often even great things, because it helps him feel better about himself? Do I think he both loves Xichen and keeps him around because it’s beneficial to him, having the Lan Sect Leader in his pocket, but also personally speaking, having someone who so firmly believes in the goodness in him? You bet your overly adorned murderhat I do.

And frankly, reducing Jin Guangyao to one or the other - coldblooded murderer or a man plagued by his own insecurities, helpless and trying to be kind in a world that’s so evidently against him - is doing a character like him a huge disservice. You have to consider all sides, if you want to truly understand him. Hell, I myself am by no means claiming to truly understand him! He pisses me off daily, and I’m writing this stream-consciousness-y thing because he simply won’t shut up in my head.

This kid makes Choices, and here’s the catch - he doesn’t regret a whole lot of them. If anything, I’d like to think he regrets going along with his father’s plans for so fucking long before finally realizing that avenue won’t bring him what he seeks. Killing Jin Guangshan, by the way? Very sexy of him, that I’ll admit. Guy was a pig.

But even the obviously Good Choices he makes? Building those damn watchtowers? Letting Mo Xuanyu stay at Koi Tower? Seating Qin Su by his side at that same throne where his shitty father entertained concubine after concubine? (Frankly, please make up your own mind as to whether he was lying or telling the truth about learning about Qin Su being his sister before or after they’d consummated their marriage, I’m choosing to believe that he hadn’t known.)

How much of it really happens out of the goodness of his own heart, and how much of it happens because he wants to improve his own reputation, kintsugi away the minuscule cracks in his own image until he’s once again a perfect picture of Jin gold? Is he himself even capable of telling the difference, recognizing where his good intentions end and his desire to look out for number one begins? When you spend so much time crafting your own perfect mask, in your own head as well as others’, the lines blur real fast.

I think ultimately, he craves respect as much as he does pity, and those two never mesh well - the cultivation world never truly accepts him, his father certainly never truly accepts him, but Jin Guangyao is not Wei Wuxian, he can’t just look at all of these perceived injustices and slights, all of this gossip and slander, and say ‘Whatever’. No, Meng Yao takes one look at the world standing against him so very vehemently, and decides to fight it, fight tooth and nail for his place in it, until he comes out Jin Guangyao on the other side, gilded and pristine, ascending the stairs of Jinlintai to exact his revenge on anyone who dares not accept him.

The Guanyin Temple, in a way, is a perfect little vignette of his character - we observe him wildly oscillating between seeking out the aforementioned respect and pity, confessing boldly and laughing loudly one second, and pleading on his knees and clutching onto Lan Xichen’s robe the next. To him, that night, and everything leading up to it, is a series of footholds - the ground begins crumbling under his feet when he learns of the letter, and he has to act fast. 

He buys himself time, excuse after excuse, thinking on his feet, and here’s the thing - he’s not necessarily the best at that. Anymore. Up until that point, until the letter and Qin Su and WWX turning up, everything is going according to plan, and his plan at this point is, frankly, correct me if I’m wrong, sitting pretty at the top of his golden tower and making sure the truth about him never comes to light, which... Well, we all know the truth has a nasty way of coming around when it’s least convenient for you. 

And I think Jin Guangyao (not Meng Yao) is, at that point, unused to being inconvenienced. Everything he ever does, he calculates, he twists the public opinion of himself, he twists individual people’s opinions of himself, to suit him - nothing unexpected ever happens anymore, because he’s played the game long enough to foresee most things. Nie Huaisang beats him at that same game, not because he has a huge plan spanning decades of his own, but because he’s good at improvising, kicking the hornet’s nest and then knowing where to direct the fallout - but that is another essay all of its own waiting to happen.

For now, I feel like I need to wrap this up before I lose my mind. Personally (and please feel free to challenge me on this any time), I don’t feel like there’s a single defining moment, or even a handful of them, traumatic or otherwise, that irrevocably turns Meng Yao into Jin Guangyao. Sure, being kicked down the literal stairs leading to a better place for you a handful of times will have you feeling some kind of way. Sure, serving a maniacal warlord while playing an impossibly high-stakes game of spy poker will leave a mark or two. Sure, your sworn brother spitting in your face the very insults you’ve been hearing your whole life and never learned to shake off, will make one more vestige of patience inside you irrevocably crumble to smithereens. But.

Your whole life, you work very, very hard. You know to put your head down and get your hands dirty, but you also know that sometimes, the best way out of a hairy situation is turning on those puppy eyes and appearing just a smidgen weaker, a smidgen more frightened and helpless, than you actually are. And if, when you actually tell the truth and people still don’t believe you, lying becomes easier, becomes, eventually, so easy it feels as natural as breathing? Well. Might as well use that particular skillset to sneak your way through a war, am I right? Might as well use it to build yourself a nest among the very vultures who resent you, and whom you resent, and make sure that they have to respect you.

In the end, to me? Jin Guangyao is the guy who jumps from person to person, from callout to very personal callout, there in the Guanyin Temple, just to stall for time, just to regain some sort of foothold in the situation - he’s the guy who probably views losing an arm as a necessary sacrifice, shakes it off and still gets to work from there.

Meng Yao is the guy who wants to take his mother with, and who asks Lan Xichen the one question he’s dreaded knowing the answer to his entire life - not ‘will you stay and die with me?’, but the one that hides beyond that.

Is this what devotion is? Respect? Love? Is there, at this moment in time, enough of all of those things in your heart that you will, in fact, stay and die with me?

When Lan Xichen says yes, without words but still loudly enough to be understood without a doubt, Meng Yao is relieved, while Jin Guangyao is vindicated.

When Lan Xichen says yes, neither version of A-Yao needs to hear any more than that - the seventeen-year-old boy shooting a shot way above his station and loving a statue made of jade, who wants Lan Xichen to survive, and the man wearing the wrong name and the title of the first Chief Cultivator of his generation, who wants Lan Xichen to live with the weight of all his mistakes and misgivings, are both, for once, in accord. They’re both happy, and they both make that final push to save him.

In conclusion, if there even is one to this jumble of random thoughts... Jin Guangyao and Meng Yao are one and the same. Aspects of one can be found in the other, but neither feels remorse about his choices. Both of them, in turn, are capable of amazing things. Both of them are, in fact, capable of decidedly horrible things. One builds a wall around the other so thick, so impenetrable, you only catch glimpses, and only the ones he allows you to see. One learns very quickly that vulnerability is dangerous, unless employed proactively, and the other one perfects the craft.

Both of them believe they are perfectly justified in their actions. Both of them believe their own line of reasoning, their own excuses. Both of them want to be loved, for very different reasons, or for the very same ones, at the end of the day.

Both of them aspire to greatness, Meng Yao some vague idea of it instilled in him by his mother teaching him to believe his own worth, Jin Guangyao a more concrete vision of it, always one step ahead, one step higher up those gilded stairs. Both of them are willing to excuse a whole lot to reach it, too.

And when Jin Guangyao finally stands in Koi Tower, properly this time, wearing that coveted golden peony, wearing that red zhushazhi and a much nicer version of the hat his mother always told him to wear, but also wearing the wrong fucking name, one that barely gives him a spot in the family he belongs to by blood?

All he needs to do is take one look in the mirror to see Meng Yao staring back, always there with him, always ready to remind him where he came from. He’s seventeen years old, and he just buried his mother, and somewhere out there, the rest of his life awaits. His smile is all dimples, and that, too, they have in common.

Time to get to work, Meng Yao suggests, and Jin Guangyao agrees.

[artemisdesari-blog]

Why I Find Tauriel Problematic; An Essay On My Thoughts, Feelings, And Why Ambivalence Has Turned Into Frustration and Distaste

Although I have only been back on the fanfiction horse for about two years, and what a wonderful two years those have been, my brief stint writing fanfiction for The Hobbit has shown me a great deal about the fandom, and one of those things is that Tauriel is something like Marmite. For those unfamiliar with Marmite, it is a British salty yeast extract spread that is either utterly delicious or utterly vile depending on the tastes of the one eating it. The marketing slogan for it is “You either love it or hate it”, so even the manufacturers are aware that enjoyment of their product is a very subjective thing. Tauriel seems to polarise the fandom almost as much as said yeast extract, although there is a little more mid range ambivalence towards her as well. For me, personally, I prefer to pretend that she never existed in the movies at all, something that I will get into at a later date. That ambivalence has, sadly, shifted to distaste.

It is no secret that in popular literature and culture there is a very glaring absence of strong female characters. To the extent that when your Captain Janeways, Samantha Carters, Natasha Romanovs and so on pop up they become worth commenting on. Tolkien, of course, is no saint where this is concerned. It is glaringly obvious that for every Lúthien, Galadriel, Arwen and Eowyn there are dozens of male characters who play far greater roles in the saving of the world. In fact, The Hobbit is without strong female characters entirely, being a novel completely dominated by the male Company of Thorin Oakenshield, including the title character. Considering who Tolkien is supposed to have originally written the tale for, the source myths that he referenced and prevailing attitudes of the time, it is unsurprising. In fact, that characters like Eowyn and Galadriel pop up at all, not discounting Lúthien whose romance with Beren was said to have some inspiration from Tolkien’s own marriage, is impressive all things considered. 

With that in mind, let us consider the matter of Tauriel. She was not in the book, and while I can see why the studio wanted her added to the film they later made decisions about her which sat, and still do sit, very poorly with me. Generally speaking, as a writer, I prefer to try ignoring the fact that she exists in the movies, even if I reference the movie appearances of the dwarves to avoid writing about too many bearded males with white or blue or blond hair. If I do reference her it is usually in passing and with no intention to do anything further with her other than acknowledge that she was added to the cast. Frequently, however, I get asked the questions “Will Kíli and Tauriel be forming an attachment?”. “How do you plan to handle the romance between Kíli and Tauriel given the relationship you’ve been building with X character?”, “Why do you dislike her so much?”. I’ve even been accused of disliking her from the misogynistic view point of “the evil female who corrupts the helpless males,” which is frankly offensive and not at all the case.

To the first two questions: she is not book canon, I do not need to address the so-called romance because there is nothing in Tolkien’s canon to support her existence and thus the romance. To the last question… well, that one is a little more complicated and requires an in depth examination of her introduction, actions and interactions with Kíli, as well as his personality as established over the course of the films since we have precious little to go on in the books.

First, let us look at Kíli. He is a flirt. We know that, we see him flirting with various elves during dinner in Rivendell. Beyond that, however, we see very little of his tastes or preferences, although it is probably fair to assume that he is probably something of a romantic as well. As much as he is a main character, he is still more of a background character compared to Bilbo and Thorin. It is, after all, about the hobbit of the piece. He is young, either just about to turn 77 or not long having done so and that makes him young enough that we get the impression that he and Fíli both are still of an age where it is perfectly natural to idolise their uncle and be desperate for his approval. We see that the few times he is dressed down he feels it very keenly. We also see that he is playful and open, perhaps the most playful and open of all of them except, maybe, Bofur. He is curious, perfectly capable of giving his all when it comes to a fight and Gandalf refers to him as one of Thorin’s best alongside his brother and Dwalin. 

We also see him flip from open and loving, though perhaps infatuated is a better word, to cold and murderous in a moment, so we can probably include passionate in all things in that as well.

Now, let us look at Tauriel. Unlike Kíli, we have no set age for her. We know that she is young for an elf, but the ages given range from somewhere around 600 to 1,400. There is one quote placing her at 1,347 but it is in a sea of conflicting information. Regardless, she is young, she is idealistic and curious. She has never left Mirkwood and has dedicated much of the last few decades to attempting to curb the influx of giant spiders which are spreading from Dol Guldur while arguing with Thranduil; who wants his borders kept clear but refuses to deal with the source of the threat. An attitude not unfamiliar to many of us, sadly. She has the friendship of a prince of Mirkwood but is declared not good enough for him. Also, not an uncommon attitude in those who could be thought of as nobility.

She, like any being that has literally had hundreds of years to practice, is incredibly good with her weapons and pings and flips around like the others of her kind. Given her youth and position we can conclude that she is considered unusually skilled for her age but she still has the advantage of living forever, unless she tires of life or is killed, to keep improving her skills.

Finally, let us look at the history between elves and dwarves. It is not a pretty one. They come together for the sake of occasional trade, or to face the threat of Morgoth, and later Sauron, and their armies, but otherwise they keep to themselves. The dislike is clear on both sides and occurs well before the day Smaug arrived in Erebor, during the First Age in fact. So it will be difficult for this young pair to overcome millennia of bad feeling between their people, some of whom actually remember the events that set the dislike in stone. Legolas and Gimli are later understood to be among only a very, very, few who become close enough to be considered great friends. Much of fandom would probably cheerfully have them be a great deal more given Legolas snuck his dwarf into Valinor after Aragorn’s death.

To the shoe-horned in romance, and I do mean that in the literal sense. Evangeline Lily has been heard in interviews to say that she was wary about the fan reception of Tauriel from the start and that she signed on under the explicit understanding that there would be no romance or love triangle. And at the end of the initial shoot there was not. When they came back for studio shoots and reshoots, however, she was presented with a list of scenes that had been added and some that needed to be reshot to accommodate, you guessed it, a love triangle. She was signed in, she had taken the money, done the work and was boxed into a corner. The love triangle went in and it became the part of the films that polarises the fans the most. Besides, if we want to ship something, we do not need to have it spoon fed to us. Bagginshield is the most popular ship in the fandom and we only get the odd hint towards it here and there. Then look at the multitude of other ships. We did not need to be given something we can make up for ourselves.

That out of the way, let us look at their meeting:

The Company is beset by giant spiders, destined to be dinner, confused and disorientated and more than a little desperate, weakened due to lack of food and the weird miasma of Mirkwood which has been playing havoc with their minds. None of them are in good shape but, as they do, they fight on anyway. They need to survive and reach the mountain so that they can take back their home. Enter the elves, arrows whistling, blades crunching into thick spider exoskeletons, performing all manner of acrobatic leaps and twists to avoid getting bitten or killed. It is impressive, eye-catching even to the older dwarves, and would likely be even more so to a pair of young dwarves like Fíli and Kíli. We do not see Fíli’s reaction, he is too busy frantically looking for his missing brother who has been cornered by a spider. 

Enter Tauriel, who refuses to give him a knife to defend himself with and help her deal with the stragglers because she believes he may well be an enemy. She is, in fact, somewhat derogatory towards him. I would not say that Kíli is charmed, although he is certainly impressed, because were he charmed I do not believe he would have such a massively discontent expression on his face as she takes him back to the others. I suspect that, much like in Rivendell, he would have put more effort into turning on the charm. 

As the dwarves are led away, we get the first indication that Tauriel has noticed him; she comments that he is not entirely unattractive for a dwarf due to his lack of beard and the fact that he is tall for one of their kind. Legolas is unimpressed, but we expect that.

Once they reach the cells we see the dwarves desperately attempting to avoid being locked up. Most of them are attempting to force their way free, Fíli appears to be in the process of having yet more knives removed from his person while he huffs and sulks, and Kíli is watching as he is taken to a cell of his own. A solitary one at that. Fíli and Kíli, it could be argued, are a little bit co-dependant. Not horrendously, but they have been watching out for one another over all the rest from the start, they are brothers after all, and in the life of a dwarf five years is not all that much of an age gap. So we can assume that Kíli does not really want to be locked up on his own, he is a social person regardless it would seem and I suspect that being alone would be a special kind of torture for him. He tries stalling. 

“Aren’t you going to check me? I could have anything down my trousers.”

I’ll give Tauriel this, she is quick witted and this is possibly one of my favourite exchanges of the films. Her reply; “Or nothing” is cool, a little bit cutting and gives no indication of any sort of interest at all. If anything, she seems a little exasperated with all the fuss the lot of them are creating and she simply wants to be done with it. Away Kíli goes and off she goes to report to her king.

Who proceeds to compliment her on her good handling of things so far, order her to make it better faster, reject her proposal for exterminating the source rather than simply dealing with the fallout and then tell her that no matter what else she has done, she is not good enough for his son. Oof. She hesitates before replying, stumbles her way through a response and seems genuinely upset about it. Regardless of whether her feelings for Legolas are of friendship or if she had been hoping for a little more as well, being told something like that had to hurt.

We next see Tauriel patrolling the cells. Some of the dwarves are making noise, most seem pretty resigned, Kíli is fiddling with his promise stone. Which he promptly drops and loses through the bars, only for it to be stopped by Tauriel who demands to know what it is. As you do. Kíli, as you do, replies that it is a curse stone and any who is not a dwarf who looks upon it will suffer greatly. I forget the exact quote, I could look it up but I’m not feeling quite that dedicated to making my point here. Tauriel hesitates. I will not say that she is alarmed, she seems to take his words with a pinch of salt, but she is definitely wary and we have to remember that she is a very young elf who has spent all of her life in Mirkwood. She has not interacted with dwarves, has no reason to have done so and so she has no idea if what he is saying is true or not. And we have no idea how many of the old stories about elves and dwarves she has heard, although we know it is enough for her to have a generally low opinion of them. Her hesitation is enough to cause Kíli to come clean, perhaps fearing that she will take this precious memento of his mother from him. You can see the moment that Tauriel decides to return it, the flicker of surprise that a dwarf would mention a parent with such apparent fondness and it makes me wonder what stories she has been told about dwarves and their emotions. Regardless, she gives it back and the two begin a conversation which starts with Kíli’s opinion on starlight and moves on to become centred around Kíli’s travels. 

It is a good, safe, sensible conversation which would ring no alarm bells. In fact, the only thing that hints towards the idea that we should be looking for a romantic angle is the shot of Legolas looking down upon them with a disgusted sneer. 

This is where I began to feel uneasy with the direction the story was taking. Legolas is clearly jealous, Tauriel has clearly been hurt by the callous words of Thranduil and there was, perhaps, a little bit of flirting going on between the bars. This is Kíli after all. One thing we forget, however, is that she is his jailor. She is in a position of significant power over him. Let us flip the genders. The one behind bars is female, the one who holds the keys and is showing a marked interest in her is male. This is a familiar trope, and one which many of us shudder back from due to the power divide and the vulnerability of the female character, no matter how kind the male one seems. Why, then, do so many of us ignore the reverse scenario? Why is it alright for a woman, or elleth, in a position of power over a male, and especially a young one who might well be looking for a way out and a way to keep his friends and family safe, to pay such marked attention to a male captive?

The answer, of course, is that it is very much not alright, but we let it slide because it is not the reverse and society seems to have this thing for women in power seducing helpless males.

So, they have got their flirt on, spent an unspecified length of time languishing in the cells and now it is time to escape. The book would have us believe that they spent a month or so in the cells and rode their barrels out with relative ease. No gates, orcs, arrows or chases through the rapids. I can understand the movies needing something a little more dramatic. It would have been a dull escape otherwise, but we can already see the shift in Tauriel when the dwarves escape, even though she has known them at most a month, and the film makes it seem like they have only been in there a day or two which is what makes her actions later make even less sense than they would had she known Kíli a month. She hesitates. Her prisoners have escaped, her king is going to be very displeased, and still she hesitates.

I refuse to get into the thing with the morgul arrow, I find it very hard to believe that Sauron would have allowed the use of those and thus tipped others who were not Gandalf, Saruman, Galadriel and Elrond off to the fact that he was on the move. I am not even entirely sure they were a thing in book canon which is neither here nor there. It is believable that Kíli would have been hurt, that is a risk in every combat situation, and I will leave it at that.

The dwarves escape and head to Lake Town with Kíli in increasingly poor shape, Tauriel and Legolas take an orc to Thranduil for questioning which results in the elf king ordering the gates sealed. He wants nothing to do with whatever quarrel is between the orcs and dwarves. I hardly blame him. Legolas and Tauriel both object at different times and get shut down, and Legolas goes to obey his father’s orders, only to realise that Tauriel has already run off after this bloke she hardly knows.

I love Kíli, I do, but at this point he holds about as much of a permanent place in her life as the bloke I started to play Dungeons and Dragons with three months ago does in mine. And she probably knows him about as well as I do that guy.

She is idealistic, young, desperate to see the world. I get that. It is as good a reason as any to want to go out there and save it given that she is, to borrow from Guardians of the Galaxy, one of the idiots who lives in it. But saving the world, or that corner of it, was not what set her off in Thranduil’s throne room. Being told that Kíli was going to die slowly and painfully was. As much as the scene argues that she is going out there to save the world because she believes that they have a responsibility to do so, she has also already shown that Kíli is one of her primary reasons.

Four years ago, my then four year old, looked at this whole mess and said “But Elsa says you can’t marry a man you just met”. Where she got the idea Tauriel wanted to marry Kíli, I do not know, but that observation stuck with me. 

Anyway, because this is getting rambling, stuff happens, the dwarves have a feast, Kíli gets left in Lake Town with Fíli while the rest go on to Erebor and Tauriel fights her way into Bard’s in time to get some athelas to heal Kíli, although not without a little bit of dithering about before hand as she tries to work out what, if anything, she can do to help him. It is not the first time we see the calm, collected and confident character we were introduced to take a backseat before she pulls herself together but it is quite prominent. Kíli, while being healed, spouts off some romantic gibberish about him and Tauriel being worlds apart from one another and wondering if she could have loved him. 

It is very sweet. It is also delirious ramblings. I have said some things while feverish and sick that have had my Significant Other raising his eyebrows at me. It is not meant to be taken really seriously. For all we know, five minutes before he might have proposed marriage to Óin or been hallucinating a fight with Smaug. It is sweet and romantic, as we might believe Kíli to be, but can it be considered a true declaration?

Incidentally, this part is one of the changes that makes me really quite angry. Fíli and Kíli were always supposed to be at Thorin’s side when they entered Erebor. He leaves Kíli, and therefore Fíli, behind with barely a twitch, and callously does so after making him struggle his way to the dock and the waiting boat in front of the population of Lake Town who are waiting to see them off. It raises questions about whether the gold obsession that plagues the line of Durin had already started to set in, but I think it was a decision made to give a greater sense of peril to the scenes in Lake Town when Smaug is razing the place. 

Either way, I do not like it. 

The morning after the night before dawns, Kíli seems none the worse for wear after his near brush with death, though we know that Frodo was heavily weakened after his own such encounter in sixty/eighty years, depending on if you book or film timeline it. He is saying goodbye to Tauriel and effectively tells her he loves her by calling her “amrâlimê” which most of us here know means something to the effect of “my love”. Watch Fíli behind him, rolling his eyes and shaking his head as though this is not the first time he has seen his brother act like this. Fíli is the Darcy to Kíli’s Bingley, except maybe this time it really is not love at all and Fíli is right to be wary and frustrated. It is also the time we see Kíli go from adoring puppy to murder hound in about 0.6 seconds with the arrival of Legolas. This time he is clearly infatuated, but I would still hesitate to say “in love” for a couple of reasons. The first is that they really hardly know each other, and while love at first sight is a wonderful idea it is not necessarily the strongest foundation for a relationship. Especially one with such incredibly strong Romeo and Juliet vibes. The second is that she has saved his life twice at this point. It is a known phenomenon that when someone does such a thing gratitude can be mistaken for powerful love.

In fact, Aidan and Evangeline have both reported to have said that had Kíli survived the pair of them would have very rapidly recognised that this is not love at all. It is gratitude and infatuation and not something which could withstand the judgement of both of their peoples.

Here, they separate, and neither mentions the other at all. Tauriel is cast out of Mirkwood, Legolas vows he will not return without her which is a whole other host of problems on its own, and they go forth to Gundabad to see what the orcs are up to. 

It is bad news, but then these things usually are.

Things go horribly wrong in Erebor, words and Arkenstones are exchanged, hobbits are nearly flung from very high places and battle commences while Dwalin attempts to knock some sense into a gold consumed Thorin. You can see why Kíli will not have had time to think about Tauriel at all.

With the battle joined, it is fight or die. Kíli is unaware that Tauriel is anywhere on the field, or that there is a trap waiting for him in that bloody tower and Tauriel… well she panics. Seeing that Thranduil is intending on withdrawing for the good of his people she stands before him and pulls a weapon on her king demanding that he stay and fight and help the dwarves. If not for the fact that Legolas comes and takes her toward Ravenhill I think Thranduil probably would have crossed a line into kinslaying right there and then. There is only so much disobedience and, frankly, treason one can endure from a subject before something more permanent needs to be done about them.

They get to the tower, Fíli is already dead and Kíli is desperately trying to hold his own against an ambush so that he can avenge his brother. And Tauriel, for some unfathomable reason, races through a tower full of orcs screaming his name. That… that is not how you do these things. At all. By doing that you draw the attention of every creature that is currently free to track you down and kill you. 

Moving on.

Watch them fight against Bolg together. They do not do it well. Kíli is fabulous next to Fíli, and probably Thorin and Dwalin and any other dwarf for that matter. He probably would not do too badly with one of the Men beside him but the elvish style of combat and the dwarf style are very different and it does not mesh well for these two who barely really know each other. Legolas and Gimli fight in many of the same battles, but rarely side by side and they are certainly more in tune with one another than these two are. In this case, Tauriel is definitely panicking and I wonder if she would have done the same if it had been Legolas she was fighting with. 

Somehow I doubt it.

Anyway, eventually they are overwhelmed, longing looks are exchanged and Kíli is killed. Tauriel breaks down to Thranduil who declares that it was clearly real love.

I just, there is so much wrong with this I hardly know where to start. 

A lot of time is dedicated to this addition. It drives a wedge between Thranduil and Legolas that we had no reason to suspect existed, it deprives him of one of his loyal guards and it does absolutely nothing at all to affect the outcome of the quest for Erebor in a positive way. It adds nothing to Kili’s death, it does not make it any more of a tragedy than it is in the book. In fact, if anything I think it takes away from it a little bit. For those not in the know, in the book Thorin is felled on the field, fatally wounded by Bolg who is then crushed to death by Beorn. Fíli and Kíli, who do not wish to see their uncle’s body taken and desecrated, and likely hoping that there was some small chance he could be saved, fight over him as guards until they are overwhelmed and die side by side before help can come. It is, ultimately, a terrible waste of their lives. Thorin lives long enough to apologise to Bilbo in one of the healing tents, much as he does on the side of the mountain in the film, and then he dies. 

So Tauriel has made no positive impact upon the outcome, it could be argued that her moment of hesitating to threaten Thranduil could have been the moments where she and Legolas might have reached the tower fast enough to save possibly Kíli, perhaps even Fíli, we will never know. What we do know is that the addition of the love triangle added extra time which could have been given to any of the rest of the Company, most of whom were given very little at all to do other than carry on in the background. We could have spent more time with Bilbo, who got shunted aside for the Legend of Legolas parts and, of course, the love triangle additions. We did not even get the funeral in the theatrical release!

It seemed to primarily be, well, filler. And the studio’s bizarre opinion that they were not going to get female viewers if they did not stick some form of romance in there. It seemed to almost be an attempt to mirror the Arwen, Aragorn, Eowyn triangle from the Lord of the Rings, except they missed the mark there spectacularly. Arwen knew very well what she was giving up in marrying Aragorn, and she ultimately made the same choice that her uncle had made thousands of years before as had her very nearly ultimate grandmother (bar Melian) before that. Tauriel could have had no concept at all of what she might have been tying herself to. And that does not even get into the political ramifications of it had Kíli survived, or if he and any one or both of Fíli and Thorin survived. 

This next is, of course, speculation, because we have no real way of knowing. 

Tauriel has sacrificed everything, her home and position for some dwarf she hardly knew. They think it is love, but in the coming weeks with Kíli dedicated to the mountain, whether alone as king or with his uncle and/or brother, distance begins to grow. Tauriel is an elf, she may have fought in the battle but she is still not completely trusted. Rumours from those who might have seen her interaction with Thranduil during the battle start to surface. Kíli might overlook them for himself, but could Thorin or Fíli? If they were to send Kíli to do something that Tauriel would not like, could they trust her not to do the same to them as she did to Thranduil? She owes them even less loyalty than she did him and she threw it all to one side in a heartbeat. If Kíli is the only one of the younger two who survived, where does that leave the succession? If he and Tauriel cannot have children together the throne is not secure, even if they could with all the millennia of bad blood between elf and dwarf will the general populace really accept a half elf on the throne? Especially one who might live forever. The answer there is very likely to be no, which will cause more problems further on and puts Dáin and later Thorin III Stonehelm on the throne again. So there was no point saving Kíli if the original timeline would come to pass anyway, if with a few more hurdles and a heap more unrest thrown in. In other words, it would cause a lot more contention than it would solve.

If they did grow apart, as the actors have stated they would, I think Tauriel would have come to resent Kíli for his role in her decisions, even though she was a grown elleth and perfectly capable of reasoning out possible consequences for herself. Evangeline says that Tauriel went back to Mirkwood after the battle and I suspect Thranduil forgave her out of pity and because he knew she had learnt a terrible lesson. I doubt, though, that she ever regained his trust, and I very much doubt she ever rose to any real position within the kingdom again. If Kíli had not died, I suspect her reception would have been less forgiving and more in the nature of “well if it isn’t the consequences of your actions” before being thrown from her home in disgrace.

Either ending is unhappy for her.

This whole diatribe actually makes it sound like I quite like the character, and there are some small parts of her that I do like. The film needed a strong female character, and this is perhaps one of the reasons that one of the more popular genderbends in the fandom is female Bilbo. Because either way, the story still works. And all the initial stuff with Tauriel worked. Her early interactions with Kíli, that snappy comeback which is actually a favourite because as a response to someone intending on unsettling her it is perfect, even that little bit of wanderlust that she lets seep out. Where it falls apart, and where my dislike stems, is the introduction of the love triangle, the huge power imbalance between them when it begins in the dungeons of Mirkwood, the fact that gratitude and love are allowed to blur over the line with no one questioning it. Except, perhaps, Fíli, who is the long suffering older sibling accustomed to his brother becoming infatuated with this or that pretty face or great warrior.

Had it been left at the wanderlust and the whole bit with the delirious confession been done away with, she could have still been great. Had she kept her head a bit better upon seeing Kíli fighting Bolg or even had a material effect on things for good I could possibly, possibly have overlooked how it all began. But that moment in the cells set my squick metre off and coloured my opinion of it from there. And even repeat watching has not helped me to see it in a positive light. It was filler, time wasting, and I find it hard to like a character who was introduced as someone that girls could look up to, and who became, instead, every cliché female love interest that I feared she would. They set her up, let her and us down, and as a result I prefer to pretend she never existed, or gloss over her entirely. 

And because people are always asking me what my problem with her is I’ve grown to despise her. 

Kíli is a grown dwarf, he is perfectly capable of making his own decisions and thinking for himself. Tauriel does not manipulate him into having feelings for her, she seems to be made uncomfortable by the confession in fact, but just as he is capable of thinking for himself, so is she. And I question every decision she made from the moment she locked him behind those bars, because that is where the Tauriel that Kíli met in the spider’s nest begins to vanish. 

She could have been a great character and she did not need a love interest, or to become one, for that to happen. The studio handled her poorly, and that is why I would prefer to ignore the fact that she, and that stupid love triangle, ever existed.

[locke-writes]

True Companion

Author: locke-writes

Title: True Companion

Prompt: Scream - Green  - Antisocialist by Asking Alexandria For: @aryn-the-bearheart​

Rating: T

Word Count: 569

AN: Green often represents renewal, growth, change, calmness and compassion.

For once in your partnership Vic was actually letting you drive. It seemed such a simple thing sharing the role of driver when working a job but Vic always had to have that level of control ever since you'd known him. Really you weren't even sure how you managed to convince him to let you have the wheel in the first place but something you had said must have clicked. Either that or he was finally beginning to grow soft with how many years the two of you had worked together. Which really wasn't that many but it was enough to add to the gained knowledge of your shared profession.

You'd learned a lot from your time as a criminal. Everything seemed to come easy nowadays due to having to keep calm under pressure. Better at lying, better at staking out a building in a few glances, better at shoplifting just because. Robbery was the go to, you were a thief of anything that came across your path although you stuck mainly to working jobs that tended to pay you more than the merchandise itself was worth. With someone else handling the financial aspect there was a chance you were less likely to end up in prison, or at least you'd get a lighter sentence.

You'd learned a lot from working various jobs, and the one thing that you held on to most of all was that Vic Vega didn't handle partnership well. Joe Cabot had a tendency to stick you with a partner, he had a tendency to stick everyone that worked for him with a partner. The only problem was that certain people don't often work well with others and Vic was one of those people. He could be intimidating at times or so you'd heard and you knew about his record, his dealings with others in Joe's employment, the few times he was caught by the cops because of one thing or another.

Joe seemed to think the two of you would get along, something about the two of you not just being good at what you do but the fact that he figured you could trust one another. Trust was a big deal in your line of work, and for Vic who at one point did a six month stint because of some false accusations, trust was hard earned. The only trouble was that trust didn't come right off the bat and when you first met Vic it was more hostile than anything. The two of you simply sat and stared at one another before each turning to Joe and protesting his idea of a partnership. He refused and the two of you sulked.

You supposed you had every rite to feel that way at the start. You'd never worked with Vic before, had never worked with anybody like Vic before (although really how many people like Vic were there in the world) and it seemed like a dig at your competence rather than anything. Of course looking at where you were now with him, friends, confidants, and still partners, you would have changed your mind in that first meeting.

Although you still did think Joe wasn't such a great judge of compatibility, you and Vic were still arguing over the validity of bringing a knife to a gun fight (an argument that started because he actually did bring a knife to a gun fight).

[peaceoutofthepieces]

you were my crown

chapter 2

Ao3

~^~

The crowd dissipated quickly, so much so that Jens was still a foot away when Berg gave Lucas’s arm a sharp tug and almost knocked him back off his feet. Jens’s heart skipped, and he moved a little faster to catch up with them as Berg hauled Lucas out of the room. Lucas was grimacing and doing his best to hide it, clearly biting back either a wince or a snappish complaint.

“Careful,” Jens snapped, and they both paused and looked at him. He glowered at the guard, trying to be stern rather than angry. “I hope this rough behaviour is not usual for you. Even if Lucas was not now a fellow member of our Court, he’s a person. You should treat people kindly. Release him, now.”

Berg did not seem mollified or ashamed. His gaze held only mild irritation as he scrunched his brow. “Queen ordered he’s to remain with a guard.”

“Perfect.” Sander materialised next to them, having slipped back in from the hallway along with Senne. He took Lucas’s free arm in a much gentler hold. “Then I may take it from here.”

Berg scowled. “The Queen—“

“Already decided our new friend here was to have his own personal guard, and will easily agree that person should be me. So, I believe I can take it from here,” Sander repeated. His smile charmed and threatened all at once.

Lucas stared at him dubiously, but he didn’t seem quite as irritated. He shuffled his feet and shifted his weight to lean in Sander’s direction, and Jens almost smiled.

It was clear that Sander wasn’t letting it go and none of the others were going to argue with him. Berg had no choice but to release Lucas with a shrug and depart with a half-hearted bow in Jens’s direction. Some of the tension finally seemed to leech out of Lucas, and it dissipated even further when Sander dropped his hold on him. There was a hesitation, in which Lucas was left looking between them all. He seemed to blank out Jens the most and linger on Senne the longest.

The eldest boy noticed, and looked back with vague amusement and intrigue. “You’re mistaken if you think I’m angry on my brother’s behalf. I can assure you that we aren’t very close.”

Lucas considered him with furrowed brows before giving a slight shake of his head. “Family is family. You may not be particularly angry, but there is no reason for you to take my side, either.”

It shouldn’t have been strange to hear Lucas speak. Jens had just listened to him give his testimony in this same room; his voice was not a surprise. It just seemed different, up close and in a more private setting. They were close. Now Jens could not only see Lucas’s lips as they moved, but also the small mole above them. He could see the individual grains of dust and dirt in the smudge on his cheek. He could hear his voice next to him and imagine it becoming familiar.

“I think our concepts of family are a little different,” Senne said, smile going a little tight.

Lucas tilted his head, but nodded in acceptance.

Senne nodded back, then whirled on Jens with brows raised. “You are truly terrible at your job. Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

Jens frowned, but refrained from rolling his eyes. “Clearly the two of you need no introduction, but fine. Lucas,” he said, trying not to think too much about how this was his first time addressing the boy directly, “this is Senne de Smet, the head of my personal guard, and Sander Driesen, who is now apparently the sole member of yours.”

Sander raised his brows at him, but winked at Lucas. “You’re welcome.”

Lucas did a slow examination of him, eyes trailing him from head to toe. Jens tried not to feel put out, but Lucas had barely even glanced in his direction and he had been the one to just save Lucas’s life. Sander had taken what should have been his line.

“Your hair is white,” Lucas noted, in the same factual manner that one may mention the weather. “How did you get it like that?”

“Magic,” Sander said.

Lucas blinked, and frowned, but didn’t quite scowl. He seemed begrudgingly grateful to Sander for saving him from the manhandling, and he was still flicking his gaze over said white hair as if trying to figure out the trick. Maybe it wouldn’t be a total disaster.

“Sander is also a member of my guard and a friend,” Jens said, finally gaining Lucas’s attention. The sky-like blue eyes focusing on him with such intent again made him falter, but he gathered himself quickly. “My mother will easily allow him the position with you because she already trusts him to protect me. So if you are happy with it, there should be no problem.”

It was oddly terrifying, to be the subject of Lucas’s scrutiny. Jens was used to being the center of attention. He wasn’t comfortable with it, but it rarely made him squirm. Lucas’s gaze on him, however, sent his mind spiraling and caused a low heat in his stomach that quickly spread up into his cheeks. The weight of what he had done hit him suddenly. This boy that he did not know was now his responsibility. He had taken Lucas’s life into his hands by saving it from the hanging post. Lucas was allowed to live, but this most basic right now came with conditions, that Jens would be forced to set and uphold.

He could now understand, very clearly, why Lucas may not have been grateful.

It was confirmed when Lucas finished his examination and instantly looked away again, offering a shrug. “I don’t think it matters what I am happy with.”

“It does.”

Jens had barely opened his mouth to make the protest before Sander beat him to it. He had been looking at Jens, but he turned his attention back to Lucas before continuing to speak.

“I know you are already being forced into service, but Jens was not thinking of that when he made the suggestion. None of us are wishing to make you miserable.” Sander hesitated. “Although Her Majesty may have some reservations.”

Senne grinned and clapped Jens’s shoulder. “But clearly His Royal Highness here can match her resistance.”

Lucas did not seem entirely convinced.

Jens wasn’t sure how to persuade him, but he had to at least try to make this clear. “They are both right. I didn’t mean to imprison you, but I could not let you be killed.”

“Why?” The question was quiet—almost hesitant. The stubborn set to Lucas’s spine had never left, but his expression had softened slightly, trying to let something through.

Jens couldn’t decipher any of the faint emotions yet, but maybe he would be allowed to learn if he got this right. “Because you don’t deserve it,” Jens said simply. “Because I looked at you and felt that you were good, and I believe you can prove it to those who mistrust you easily. You just needed someone to give you the chance.”

Lucas stared. Then he said, “I was not looking for a savior.”

This time, Jens found himself smiling, and was surprised to realise it was genuine. He shrugged. “Too bad.”

|*~^~*|

Jens was staring too much.

He knew this, and yet he couldn’t quite get himself to stop. He would force himself to look away, and within seconds his gaze would be back on Lucas. He wasn’t looking for anything in particular, he was just looking. There was either nothing especially interesting about Lucas, or everything about Lucas was interesting. Jens had to admit that he was leaning towards the latter.

The truth was, he had no idea what he had gotten himself into and was now desperately trying to figure it out.

It was likely a little late, with Lucas already in his chambers.

Sander was also with them, as promised, leaning against the left pillar of Jens’s bed with Jens sat on the end. Sander was alternating his attention between Jens and Lucas, but Jens had mostly zoned his presence out. Sander was familiar enough and Lucas was intriguing enough that Jens could easily decide where to focus his attention.

After a stint of awkward silence, Lucas had taken to wandering around the room. He examined everything visible, which was mostly just the furniture. Jens actually had few belongings, and they were all tucked away in some cupboard, drawer, alcove, or another. Lucas hovered his hands over a few objects, like the few intricate pieces of jewellery lying around and the clothes hung on the door of the wardrobe. He only hovered, however, as if imagining the touch but not quite allowing himself to go through with it. It made it hard for Jens to believe he was a thief, and a small voice in his head suggested to him that this may be the point.

“You get used to how expensive and fancy everything is after a while,” Sander told Lucas. “Well, sort of.”

Lucas brushed his hand over the mahogany table. “When you are able to have your own expensive and fancy things, you mean? I don’t think we can relate.”

This was enough to make Sander frown at him. “I’ve been here over a year and still haven’t embellished myself with anything fancy.”

“Your hair,” Lucas reminded him.

“Yes, well.” Sander paused. “If you want to be picky.”

Lucas drew his hand away from the wood and folded his arms, looking up at Sander. “I don’t, but I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to do.”

Sander pursed his lips and looked at Jens.

Jens stood, somewhat hastily, and cleared his throat. Lucas was still wearing the same blank, unimpressed expression, and it was rather nerve-wracking. “You can relax, for now. I’ll know better what the plan is when I speak to my mother.”

“A slow and silent death, I’m sure,” Lucas muttered.

“No harm will come to you,” Jens insisted. “I’ll make sure of that.”

Lucas simply stared at him again. His arms crossed a little tighter around himself, pressing his thin tunic to his body in defense or from a chill. Jens glanced to make sure the window wasn’t open, but it was bolted tight. The fire had not been lit yet, but that would become one of Lucas’s jobs now, so Jens wasn’t quite willing to bring it up.

“Why?” Lucas asked.

Jens blinked. “Why what?”

“Why do you promise such a thing? How can you?”

Ah. Jens thought the answer should have been fairly simple. “I’m the Prince.”

He didn’t use a haughty or degrading tone, and it still seemed to sour Lucas further. His lips twisted back into that frown and he turned his gaze to glare into the space between Jens and Sander. The silence was broken only by the sound of Sander’s foot tapping against the stone floor, a rapid motion that meant he was silently as anxious as Jens. Sander didn’t do well with confrontation or silence.

“And I’m your—still unofficial—guard. Jens can assure you that no one will harm you because I won’t let them,” Sander said, with an oddly cheerful tone.

Lucas turned his unimpressed gaze on him. “You are my guard to ensure I won’t do harm.”

“I thought we weren’t being picky,” Sander muttered. Then, clearer, “You don’t strike me as a threat. And anyway, whatever the case, I’m meant to watch over you, am I not? So the death wish is going to have to wait.”

“I don’t have a death wish. I just neither wish to be here.”

Jens plopped back down onto the edge of his bed and sighed.

There were sudden, heavy raps on his door before he could think of anything else to say, and now he wanted to sigh in relief. Someone was likely here to tell him his mother was waiting to speak with him, and he’d get a brief reprieve from Lucas’s large presence while getting some of his questions answered. He wasn’t looking forward to a possible argument with the Queen, but he could use a breather.

Only it wasn’t a servant come to fetch him, but Moyo’s voice that called from outside. “Jens, you in there? We’re tired of waiting for you.”

Jens winced. He had completely forgotten his friends were still here and expecting him to rejoin them. He’d gotten sidetracked, and Sander was stuck with him. They likely had been in the library since Jens left and had heard nothing of the meeting.

There were a few mutters and more bangs before the door swung open, revealing a sheepish Robbe with Moyo and Aaron behind him. “Sorry, they knew you wouldn’t get mad at me,” Robbe said, flushed, and Jens sighed again.

Sander pushed away from Jens’s bed to coo at him, already grinning before Robbe was even fully in the room. Sander reached him and slid an arm around his shoulders to drag him in. “No one can ever be mad at you,” Sander agreed, pinching Robbe’s cheek.

Robbe batted him away, but leaned into his side with another apologetic smile towards Jens. Then he finally noticed Lucas.

“Uh,” Moyo said. “Who’s this?”

Lucas looked startled at the presence of the others, and downright skittish at being addressed directly. He shifted back and forth on his feet, mouth opening and closing a few times before he looked at Jens.

Jens nodded at him. “This is Lucas van der Heijden. He’s just earned himself the position of my manservant.”

“Uh,” Aaron said. “Why?”

Robbe was the only one to smile brightly and approach Lucas. “Oh! Hi.” He stuck out his hand to the other boy. “I’m Robbe.”

Lucas stared at him for a moment before carefully taking his hand. “I—yes. I know who you are.”

Robbe flushed again, but shook Lucas’s hand kindly before stepping back to Sander’s side. “Jens has never had a manservant,” he noted. He looked at Jens curiously, and Jens wondered what he saw. Robbe had always known him better than he knew himself—perhaps he would be able to make sense of Jens’s mad decision and how he should feel about it now. Jens would have to talk to him in private, and then he might sort his thoughts out.

“It’s quite a long story,” Jens said.

Sander pulled a face at him. “Well, the whole event hardly lasted ten minutes.”

“Weren’t you at a trial?” Robbe asked, confused. “Or when did you meet Lucas?”

Jens looked at Lucas, who stared blankly back at him. Jens couldn’t tell if this meant Lucas didn’t care what Jens told them or if he simply thought he had no say in the matter. It wasn’t quite the permission Jens was looking for, so he waited.

Lucas’s brow furrowed, and then he answered Robbe on his own. “At the trial. It appears washing clothes and carting food is my punishment.”

They all blinked at him before turning to stare at Jens. Sander appeared at once exasperated and pleased, raising his brows at Jens as if to say ‘See how easy it is?’.

“That seems a little harsh.” Moyo eventually broke the silence, laughing slightly. “What did you do?”

“My mother would rather have sentenced him to death,” Jens said sharply, and Moyo’s mouth snapped shut. “His crimes were not worthy of that, so I had to think on the spot.”

Aaron’s eyes were wide. “So you—you saved him, or what?”

Lucas huffed, but Jens nodded in both agreement and satisfaction. It was done now, whether Lucas liked it or not, and Jens was not about to take back his word and let Lucas get himself into further trouble. If anything, Lucas appeared sullen and reserved, not a troublemaker.

His mother probably would not notice the difference.

There was another stretch of silence, and then Robbe clasped his hands together and rocked on his heels. “Well, I trust Jens’s judgment. If he wishes to befriend you, I hope to do the same.”

“I am to be a servant,” Lucas said evenly. “Not a friend.”

For some reason, Jens felt a pang at this. It was becoming clear Lucas did not appreciate him in any way, and was not interested in any involvement with him at all. The fact that he now had no choice in the matter likely only darkened his feelings on it. He was back to looking anywhere but at Jens, and Robbe seemed to notice, flitting his gaze back and forth between them in concern. Sander noticed this and tugged Robbe back to his side, ruffling his hair fondly.

“Well, I think that makes you the most interesting person in here,” Moyo told Lucas, “and if our Prince is too prissy to be friends with you, I’ll do it.”

“Uhm.” Lucas looked taken aback by the offer, then ready to flee. Thankfully, Moyo and Aaron were still standing in the doorway and Lucas seemed to be attempting to keep his distance. It was likely he wouldn’t attempt to run and muscle past them. For everyone’s sake, Jens really hoped he wouldn’t.

Moyo raised a brow at him. “Or not.”

“Nice job,” Aaron mumbled, elbowing Moyo in the gut and causing him to double over slightly. “You scared him off within five minutes.”

“No,” Lucas said hastily, surprising all of them. He seemed to falter again under the combined attention. “I just mean—I just don’t know you.”

Robbe offered him another gentle smile. “Well, you will get to. I hope we won’t bother you too much.”

Lucas appeared to soften slightly, becoming at ease as one tended to do when under Robbe’s kind gaze. Jens would definitely have to speak to him. It was likely Robbe would be the best help to all of them, not just Jens alone. He would be able to keep Sander in line, at the very least, if the knight happened to build up to Lucas levels of irritated.

“Of course we won’t, you’ll learn to love us.” Moyo grinned and went to punch Lucas’s arm amicably, only for Lucas to flinch away. Moyo instantly dropped his hand and blinked, concern and apology flickering over his expression.

Lucas looked embarrassed. “Sorry. The guards here—well, they have not been the most gentle or welcoming, the past few days.”

“Did they hurt you?” Jens demanded, taking a step forward.

Lucas’s expression smoothed over again, and he regarded Jens. It would have seemed like interest, if only Lucas didn’t appear more disinterested in him than everyone else already. “No,” he said. “They just know they are stronger than me and liked reminding me of it, I think.”

“It’s not like that with us,” Moyo assured him firmly. “Friendly roughhousing is the most you’ll get, but we don’t do it to hurt. We’re not violent.”

Lucas, of course, eyed Sander and the sword clipped to his hip.

“I’m not a knight because I’m interested in fighting,” Sander informed him. Jens was surprised to find him calm rather than defensive, but he didn’t seem to dislike Lucas, and Robbe had a gentle hand on his wrist. “We’re not trained to cause harm, only to defend and protect. I have never once fought anyone outside of training or friendly tournaments. Some of the others, they aren’t good examples, and if you wish to give me their names, I’ll gladly speak to them for you.”

It did not help Lucas’s wariness, Jens thought, to end with such a comment and a shark-like smile. Jens himself winced internally at the thought of such a ‘conversation’ with Sander. It was true that Sander wouldn’t hurt a fly, even if the fly was doing it’s best to provoke him, but he could be fiercely—and therefore, terrifyingly—protective.

But after another short moment of consideration, Lucas seemed content with what he found. His lips even quirked at the corners as he gave Sander a curt nod and lightly responded, “I don’t think any of them introduced themselves, but thank you. I will keep that in mind.”

Sander nodded back, pleased.

Jens wished he felt the same, but there was still a prick of something in his chest. It would be good, for Lucas to get along with these people, Jens thought, and especially Sander, who he would apparently be spending the most time with. He just couldn’t help but be upset that Lucas didn’t seem to find it as easy with him. It wasn’t that Jens expected the boy to be awed, or even entirely grateful, but in the short time they had known each other there had only been an icy, distant tension. Lucas was unwilling to be grateful, or to even let Jens see him.

It did not bode well for how close they were now supposed to become. Jens knew, of course, that servants weren’t friends and he wasn’t necessarily expected to get along with Lucas, but they would be in close quarters and spending a lot of time together. There would have to be trust between them.

Jens was beginning to wonder how he would ever manage that.

“Sorry, I know it disrupts your plans,” he told Moyo and Aaron. “Whatever they were.”

Moyo shrugged. “You’re doing your thing. But we’re still staying the night, right?” He nudged Aaron and waited for the other to nod before allowing a grin. “So, we’ve got plenty of time to get to know each other.”

“Wonderful,” Jens muttered under his breath.

Lucas frowned at him, back with that considering gaze, having obviously overheard. That meant the other boys probably had, as well, but none of them mentioned it.

Robbe cleared his throat. “So have you already been shown around, Lucas?”

“No.” Lucas hesitated. “I don’t think we’re sure of what is allowed or expected of me, yet.”

“No, but I should probably go find out,” Jens sighed.

Robbe considered him and then shared a glance with the other boys. “We can go, then, and meet with you after?”

Jens nodded gratefully, glad that neither Moyo or Aaron grumbled too much either. They said their goodbyes and departed again, and Lucas’s shoulders relaxed slowly. Robbe made to follow them, but paused and turned back when he noticed Sander didn’t move with him.

“You’re not joining us?” Robbe questioned, curious.

“No, I have to stay.” Sander gestured between Lucas and Jens with disappointment flickering over his expression. “Sorry.”

Robbe’s face fell, but the smile returned quickly as he nodded. “Okay. I’ll just see you later, too.” He turned his smile on Jens, turned it wide and reassuring, and glanced at Sander once more before he left.

Sander looked after him mournfully, slumping back against the bed again and crossing his arms over his chest. Jens was only realising how much of a sacrifice his friend had offered to make, signing up to be Lucas’s personal shadow. It would be unfair to ask him to give up so much freedom—Jens would have to make his mother understand this, too, which might not be the easiest feat. He would have to try, though, or Robbe would end up mad at him and that was the last thing he needed. He might have been Robbe’s best friend, but so was Sander. It didn’t matter that Jens had known Robbe his whole life and Sander only a little over a year; Jens wasn’t willing to challenge that relationship.

He had a feeling he would lose.

“I expected someone to come get me, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she was purposefully making us wait just to be spiteful,” Jens sighed, glancing over Lucas. “What you said, about the other guards—you’re sure you’re alright?”

Lucas nodded, though glanced down at himself, at the dust and dirt staining his clothes and skin. He rubbed at a mark on the hem of his shirt and flushed, but simply shrugged. “Nothing a jug of water can’t fix.”

“When I get back, I’ll take you to Milan and we can get you new clothes.”

Lucas looked up and narrowed his eyes at him. “There’s nothing wrong with my clothes. At least, again, nothing that water can’t fix. I don’t need anything from you.”

“No, I didn’t mean…” Jens trailed off, blushing. He cleared his throat and tried again, shaking his head in denial. “That’s not what I was trying to say. I just meant, for now, and as an apology, we could get you something. Because I guess you don’t want to take your pick of my wardrobe.”

Sander snorted. Lucas merely slid his gaze down the length of Jens and back up before shaking his head.

“You’ll like Milan,” Sander said reassuringly. “Everyone seems to. But while Jens buggers off, how about I give you that tour?”

Jens felt an immediate protest build up in him. He had hoped to give Lucas a tour himself. There was no real reason for him to protest, however. He didn’t need to be there for anything Sander couldn’t explain on his own. The knight was well familiarised with the castle by now and more than capable of showing Lucas.

Still, Lucas looked to Jens first as if awaiting confirmation.

“That would save time later,” Jens allowed. “And as long as you don’t try to make a break for it I can’t see how it would be a problem.”

Sander’s sharp grin returned, but it seemed almost cheerful. “I’m sure we’ll manage.”

Jens nodded, and still hesitated. Eventually, though, he gave a nod and strode through them towards the door. “Hopefully this won’t take long. I’ll meet you both back here. Don’t take him near my mother’s chambers,” he reminded Sander, almost as an afterthought. “That could be another potential problem.”

Sander gave him a mock bow and waved him away. Jens resisted the urge to roll his eyes and left a last look towards Lucas, who had already distracted himself and didn’t meet his gaze. Jens took a steadying breath and pulled the door open, trying to figure out where his mother would be at this stage. He was only a few steps down the hall when the door opened again behind him.

“I—Your Highness,” Lucas called, hesitant, and Jens froze and turned around. Lucas had come after him and held out a hand as if to reach for him, but now it simply floated in the air between them. Lucas hastily let it drop back to his side and straightened his shoulders before looking carefully at Jens. “I just want to know if I will be able to return home.”

Jens frowned, confused. “Of course. Why would you not be?”

Lucas swallowed, shaking his head. “I just assumed your moth—Her Majesty, wanted me to remain under watch. But I would like to return even just to explain. My mother…”

“Of course you will be allowed to go home,” Jens cut him off, softly. “Regardless of the reason. You should not have to ask. I will make my mother see sense, do not worry.”

Finally, Lucas offered him a smile. It was strained, tight and disbelieving, but it still seemed to soften his face. Jens’s heart still beat at his ribs at the unexpected sight of it, as well as the soft cadence of Lucas’s voice when he murmured, “Thank you.”

His home, and his mother, Jens realised. They were what held importance to Lucas, what held weight. It was all he had cared about during the trial and all he cared about still. He had not thanked Jens for saving his life, but he thanked him for the mere promise of a return home.

Jens understood that Lucas clearly did not wish to be here, and hoped he had not sentenced the boy to something that felt worse than death.

|*~^~*|

“What do you have to say for yourself?”

It was not the first time Jens had been in this position. He was in his mother’s study, feeling small even as he stood looking down at her. Usually, there were papers and books scattered around, but now everything was neatly tucked away into the waist-high bookshelf or in a careful pile on the dark wooden table. His mother sat at the other side of it with her usual regal air, her brown waves of hair pinned neatly into place and hands overlapping on the table. She was overall rather calm, but there was a chill demand to her tone that made Jens duck his head.

“I know that I shouldn’t have spoken out against you, and I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I am. But I couldn’t just let you kill him. It would have been wrong.”

“What makes you so sure?” she demanded.

Jens looked up at her, steeling his own expression to match her iron one. “What makes you so sure he is guilty? He said he didn’t steal it.”

“Of course a criminal is going to plead innocence.”

“You had no proof. Maybe if you’d had a witness, but this isn’t enough. I don’t know what you saw in there, but I believe him,” Jens insisted.

His mother considered him closely, eyes racking over him and looking for any crack in his armour, any flinch or falter. Jens was more than familiar with the tactic, but he wasn’t usually the one under such scrutiny. It was quite like the way she’d looked at Lucas, in fact; she appeared displeased at what she saw.

Finally, she curled her hands together and tilted her head. “How do you know you haven’t just given him exactly what he wants?”

“A second chance?”

“An easy kill.”

Jens just managed to bite back a scoff, but a smile threatened closely. “Lucas is not going to kill anyone.”

“He had a sword,” she reminded him. “I did not realise you were already on a first name basis.”

“How else should I refer to him?” Jens raised a brow, then immediately let it drop again to squint against the light sharpening in the window.

She sighed, then further broke her composed facade by raising a hand to her head. She’d glanced down as well, closing her eyes tiredly as she rubbed her fingers against her temple. “Why do you feel so strongly about this?”

“Why do you?” Jens retorted. As expected, she didn’t respond. He let his arms fall from where they were tucked behind his back and reached his hand out to cover her’s. “There is something you’re not telling me, isn’t there? You don’t give a sentence like that out as if it’s nothing. You’re fair, just. Even if he had stolen the sword, what harm would he have been if we’d just taken it back? It’s not enough of a crime to warrant his death.”

She spoke lowly. “That is not your decision to make.”

“No. But I asked you not to, and you agreed. It would look worse for you to go back on your word, now. And if you did,” he added lightly, “it would not be with my support.”

After a moment, she sighed again. She leaned back in her chair and looked up at him, brushing a loose strand of hair from her face. It may as well have been his own eyes staring back at him, as familiar and similar as they were, only hers were wiser and wrinkled. They were also dark, as if the hour or so since the trial had utterly exhausted her. She turned her hand over in his to clasp them together, then squeezed. “Of course I won’t go back on my word. Certainly not against you.”

Jens let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding and allowed himself to smile. She seemed to soften in the face of it, and he squeezed her hand back.

“Mathias wasn’t pleased with you,” she said tiredly.

Jens blinked. At first, it took him a moment to figure out why the man he rarely spoke to would have any reason to be upset with him. He only ever seemed irate when Ellis bothered to get herself into ‘unnecessary trouble’, and he had to actually do something as Head Guard. “Did someone bother you, after the trial? I didn’t mean to undermine you.”

“And you did not.” She dismissed the notion with a flick of her hand. “At least, I hope no one would think such a thing. Mathias is upset on his son’s behalf.”

Realisation hit quickly. “I’d think he should be upset with his son, for losing his own damn sword and not alerting us to the issue immediately. Anyway,” Jens could not help but add, “Viktor is not his. They’ve never been close.”

“It was stolen, not lost.”

Jens drew his hand away from hers to scrub it over his face. This was not what he wanted and exactly what he expected. “We can’t keep going in circles,” he said. “One of us has made a mistake, and we may never find out who, but a decision has already been made now. We can’t keep going back and forth. We need to go forward.”

She looked at him silently for another moment, then shook her head. “I suppose we do. I’ll start by designating him a guard—“

“You don’t have to,” Jens interrupted.

She narrowed her eyes at him, unimpressed.

“Not because I think he doesn’t need one, but because he already has one. Sander volunteered himself.”

“Sander?” Ellis took a minute to consider this, brows drawn together.

This was the main thing Jens desperately wanted to work. He had thought it wouldn’t be that hard. “Sander’s already there to look out for me, and Lucas seems to cooperate with him. Sticking him with one of your surly crowd will not be of any benefit to him. And you know Sander. You know he is trustworthy.”

She hummed. “I adore Sander. I am not sure I want him in harm’s way.”

“He’s a knight,” Jens reminded her. Then he couldn’t help adding, “And Lucas is no threat.”

“Yes, yes, so you’ve said,” she rolled her eyes. “For your sake, I hope you’re right. Yours and Sander’s, I suppose.”

Jens grinned. It wasn’t entirely a blessing, but it was permission. It was a start. He sobered up quickly, however, as he cleared his throat. “In regards to that...what do you intend him to do? If Lucas is to be my manservant, Sander can’t possibly be with him all the time.” He resisted the urge to squirm. “Feels rather inappropriate. Besides, it is unfair to ask such a thing of anyone, never mind Sander.”

“The boy should not be alone with you, especially in such close or intimate contact,” she insisted.

“But that’s the point of a manservant, and that’s what you agreed to. Lotte and Lies have their own maids, and I think I’ve scared most of them off by now.”

His mother blew out a breath and mumbled something inaudible, raising that hand to her head again. “Sander will move to a room closer to yours. He will accompany you both to any events or activities inside or outside of this castle. But he has his own jobs, so Lucas will carry out his chores on his own. At least this way he will have no one to cover up any mistakes he makes.”

Jens winced slightly at that, at the suggestion in her challenging expression. But he was blindly trusting Lucas already; he had to show confidence in him now. He gave a curt nod.

“I will discuss this with them both myself, of course,” she added. “And I will make it clear to Lucas what his duties are, as well as the consequences for his failures.”

“He won’t fail.” Jens wouldn’t let him. Lucas was appearing stubborn, but he wasn’t stupid. Jens would just have to work a little to get through to him.

Ellis simply hummed again. Then she waved her hand and looked down at the table, pulling a nearby bundle of papers closer to her. “Then I believe that’s all I require of you until I can speak to them directly.”

Jens’s heart pinched at the blatant dismissal, but he gave a nod before remembering. “There is one more thing I wanted to ask.”

She glanced up at him in an indication to continue.

“I know that not all of the servants choose residency in the castle,” he said slowly. The way she was eyeing him made him nervous, as if she knew where this was going and was already prepared to deny him. He steeled himself. It was the only thing Lucas had asked of him. “I also know this is a rather special circumstance, and I don’t know what your plans were for Lucas, but I think he would like to stay at home.”

She blinked at him. “You think.”

“Yes. Or, well, I know. At the very least, he will have to go home to fetch his belongings,” Jens tried.

It didn’t seem to be working. In fact, she seemed more unimpressed by the second. “He should still be in the cells, not wandering where he pleases. No. Someone else can go get his things.”

“Or someone could take him,” Jens suggested. He was aware that he sounded rather desperate, and swallowed at his mother’s questioning look. He just knew that if he failed at this, it would be even harder to reach Lucas. The boy still wouldn’t trust him, and he certainly wouldn’t like him. But if Jens could do this, then maybe it would break away some of that barrier. Lucas had seemed so genuinely hopeful, even while prepared for disappointment. Jens didn’t want to see him accept it. He wanted to see that smile again. “I could take him.”

This did not earn him the points he was looking for. “You,” she said, incredulous.

“And Sander,” Jens said sheepishly, and she scoffed. “Think about it,” he insisted. “He won’t hurt anyone in his own home, it’ll be a good way to prove that this can work. We’ll just end up turning him against us if you keep treating him so badly.”

She narrowed her eyes at this, and Jens realised his overstep but made no attempt to take the words back. It might have been harsh, but it was the truth. If they didn’t work with Lucas themselves, how did she expect to even be deserving of his loyalty?

“You will take him home,” she said finally. “And he will stay there tonight. If he behaves and starts off his duties properly tomorrow, then the arrangement can stay in place. If he does not show up he will be hunted down.”

Jens winced again, even as relief flowed through him. He gave her a nod. “That’s fair.”

She nodded back, then raised a brow as she gripped at her papers. “Now, is that all?”

He grinned and agreed, bowing swiftly before letting himself out.

|*~^~*|

He disliked the thought of going back to his room and waiting around for Lucas to return with Sander. It hadn’t taken him long to speak to his mother, certainly not as long as it would take for Sander to show Lucas around. He was tempted to seek them out, join them, but he had no idea where they were and with his luck, he’d miss them at every turn. He didn’t fancy wandering around on his own only to have to return to his room and find them waiting for him.

Instead, he chanced going to Robbe’s room and was pleased to find his friend alone there.

“Where are the others?” he asked as Robbe let him in.

Robbe shrugged. “Aaron wanted to see Amber, and Moyo wanted to laugh at him.”

“Ah.” Jens grinned. He had to admit, it was always entertaining, watching Aaron flounder and fuss around the girl, but Robbe was too kind to find it quite as funny as Jens and Moyo did. It still usually brought a slight smile to his face, however, that was certainly not present now as Robbe flopped back on his bed, shirt slipping up to show a strip of pale skin above his waistband before he tugged it back down, leaving his hand there to fidget with the hem. His expression was bleak as he gazed past Jens, and Jens furrowed his brow. “You didn’t feel like going with them?” he questioned lightly.

Robbe shook his head, shrugging again. An awkward feat, considering he was laying down. He scrubbed a hand over his face as Jens undid the buttons of his jacket. “Maybe if Sander had come with us, but.” He stopped and made another wriggly, dismissive gesture.

Understanding sunk in. Jens glanced at him as he fought with the buckle around his waist, then gave it his full attention when it refused to budge. He cursed under his breath when it just pulled tighter, and then Robbe was sitting up and gently batting his hands away. He deftly undid the belt with light fingers and flicked Jens’s arm before retreating.

“Thanks,” Jens murmured, smiling gratefully as he finally shrugged the jacket off and was once again left in his tunic.

“Still can’t dress yourself, I see,” Robbe quipped.

Jens settled himself on the bed as well and swatted at him. “Technically, this is undressing.”

“Difference?”

“One leaves you with more clothes, the other with less.”

“Both you need help with.”

“How about you try wearing all this crap for a day?” Jens grumbled, tucking an arm behind his head and trying to get comfortable while Robbe laughed at him.

Robbe cleared his throat and looked over at him. “I suppose this is why you need a manservant.”

“Yeah.” Jens pursed his lips, taking in Robbe’s innocently curious gaze. “My lovely mother seems to think I’ve ordered my own death.”

Robbe’s lips twitched. “I can’t imagine what he could’ve done to get such opposite responses from the two of you.”

“Whose side are you on?”

“Yours, of course,” Robbe said, and Jens smiled. Robbe rolled his eyes. “Just because he didn’t seem that bad. Quiet and a little guarded, maybe, but not bad. But if the Queen is asking me who I think is right—“

Jens waved him off. “Yeah, yeah, save yourself, I know.”

Robbe laughed, eyes crinkling at the corners as he patted Jens’s hand comfortingly. He seemed a little more like himself, falling easily into the banter and teasing, but after the short lapse of silence that followed he turned solemn again.

“I wanted to talk to you about it,” Jens admitted, and Robbe’s gaze sharpened with interest. “The whole thing was almost accidental. I laughed when she sentenced him to death.”

“You what?” Robbe blinked.

Jens hummed. “It was a disaster, honestly. I didn’t have a choice then, I didn’t have time to think. I just said the first things that came to mind. Now...well, you’ve met him. He doesn’t want to be here at all, and he seems to hate the sight of me.”

“He probably just doesn’t know what to make of all this, either,” Robbe said, voice soft. “It’s not everyday you get a personal favour from the Prince, or just a new job in general. Combine the two and it’s likely a little much.”

“Maybe he really will kill me.”

Robbe huffed, shoving at him as he shook his head. “What did your mother say? When you went back to see her. That’s where you came from, right?”

Jens nodded. “She just agreed that she couldn’t go back on her word now, and Lucas asked me to find out if he could go home. She agreed, as long as Sander and I accompany him.”

Robbe’s gaze shuttered again, then he smiled and said, “That’s good.”

“She wanted a guard assigned to Lucas, the whole time, but I convinced her that wasn’t practical. It helps, that she has a soft spot for Sander. He’ll only have to accompany us to events, which he often does with me anyway.”

At this, Robbe finally brightened, even as his shoulders sagged in relief. “Oh. That’s good.”

Jens hummed, no longer able to hide his smile. “I thought you wouldn’t have been pleased with us, otherwise.”

“I just,” Robbe hesitated, reaching up to tug at his curls. “I worried it would take up a lot of time, I guess. I didn’t know what the deal was.”

“Sander never turns you down.”

“No,” Robbe agreed, though he again seemed a little hesitant.

Jens smiled. “Well, now you don’t have to worry. He’s not going anywhere. Well, actually he’s moving room, but only to be closer to me, so that should actually make it easier for you.”

Robbe seemed a little surprised by that, but accepted it with a nod. “And you?”

“What about me?”

“Yes, what about you?”

Jens’s brow furrowed.

“I imagine it’ll take up a lot of time for you,” Robbe elaborated.

“Oh,” Jens said, softening. “It won’t be that different, really. He’s just taking on the jobs already done by other servants. There’s nothing new.”

Robbe seemed unimpressed. “He’s new.”

Jens supposed he couldn’t argue with that. He couldn’t lie to Robbe, either. Lucas would be a new fixture in his life, and one that would likely take a lot of time. He would be with Jens more than anyone else, most likely, and wasn’t that a strange thought. But that was the point. He would get to know Lucas and prove he’d made the right choice.

It was another monumental task to add to an already long list. He understood why Robbe would be unsure.

“I’m not going anywhere. Lucas won’t change anything, not with us and not with Sander, okay?”

“He will, though. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing,” Robbe said hastily, pulling at his curls again. “I’m just saying. I’m not sure you know what you’ve taken on. A criminal manservant is different to the usual new recruits.”

Jens winced. “I have no idea what I’ve taken on, I agree. That’s mainly why I wanted to talk to you. I have no idea what I should do.” He looked over at his friend, and Robbe’s eyes were familiar and kind as he gazed back. “I’ll need you more, not less. You’re better at the people thing than me, you know that.”

Robbe considered him. “Well, that’s definitely true.”

Jens reached up to flick his forehead.

“Don’t.” Robbe laughed, doing his best to block him. “You said it, not me.”

Jens huffed, tugging at Robbe’s curls himself this time until the idiot smiled.

“But of course, I’m here for whatever you need. I always am,” Robbe said.

The following tug was more fond, but Robbe still protested and patted his hair away from Jens’s fingers. Jens smiled slightly and drew his hand away. “Thank you.”

Robbe simply nodded, seeming more at ease as he donned his usual sweet smile. He tilted his head against Jens’s shoulder briefly, and then there was a knock on the door.

Before either of them could move to open it, it swung inwards on its own and revealed Sander. His eyes flicked between the two of them sprawled across the bed, and he raised his brows as Lucas hovered behind him. He seemed satisfied when Robbe beamed at him, and gestured while looking back at Lucas. “And this is my favourite room, though it seems a bit haunted at the moment.” He waved half-heartedly in Jens’s direction and Jens flipped him off.

Meanwhile, Robbe flushed, but pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the bed as Sander came further into the room with Lucas following hesitantly. “Why exactly is my room your favourite, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Sander stared at him as if he’d asked why the sky was blue. “You’re in it.”

Robbe’s flush darkened, but he still rolled his eyes. Jens barely resisted the urge to roll his own at Robbe. He had never learned how to take a compliment, or adjusted to the easy way Sander doled them out, even after a year of being the main focus of such blatant affection.

Yeah, Sander probably won out in the title of Robbe’s best friend by now. He was more deserving, at the very least.

Jens tried not to be hurt by the fact and returned his attention to Lucas, who was already looking back at him. A few strands of his hair looked damp, and the smudges were gone from his arms and face even though his dusty clothes remained. Sander must have taken him to wash up before properly beginning their tour. Jens smiled at the difference, at the extra height Lucas now seemed to hold when he was receiving the kind of treatment he deserved.

“How did it go?” Sander asked, back to looking between the two of them now that he was at Robbe’s side.

“She wants to speak to you both to clarify things herself,” Jens admitted, leaving Lucas stiffening again as Sander sighed. “But I’ve sorted it out the best I can for both of you. And the sooner we get it over with, the sooner Sander and I can take you home.”

He waited, staring at Lucas the whole while he spoke to gauge his reaction. He was rewarded with the boy’s eyes widening, then narrowing as if in disbelief. Jens offered him a nod and a slight smile, hoping this would finally earn him some points, or at the very least, a little trust.

After a second, Lucas smiled back.