#and grief and guilt are so complex and I want to put her under a jar and study her

[violets-emotionalbreakdown]

Whooooo wants to bet that on some level, Caitlyn blames Vi for her mother's death bc it was Vi who begged for Jinx's life and it's easier to be mad at someone else than deal with your own guilt and culpability?

[the-artist-grimm]

Im sorry if you already answered something similar but does the twins ever reunite with Forneus in your au? If so how does it exactly work out, does Narinder, Anthea, and Forneus share custody?

Crimson Angel AU - The Situation between Forneus and the Twins

(Anon, @gerroacarnival  and @xquaserh Putting all these asks in 1 cause oh boy this is a COMPLICATED question to answer oof. I wanna preface this that while I love Forneus just going by the characters personalities/themes of this AU the reunion is not as fairy-tale happy as it is in game)

Anyway-the boys do reunite with her technically, but not in the way Forneus dreamt. Reunions are good in theory, the long lost children reunite with their ‘real’ family, hug their mother, go ‘home’ with her, start life anew, but life isn’t so simple, now is it? It’s never that easy, not when one side clings to the memory of three day old infants and a reunion she'd dreamt of for so long it just became her expectation, and the other side has no memory and complex feelings on the whole matter with this slight feeling that perhaps while their mother loves the idea of them, she doesn't actually love them.

It's messy, complicated, and no matter what, will NEVER be the reunion Forneus wanted. The second they left her embrace, she lost the chance to be the mother she'd wanted to be for them, yet never realize till too late what else died with them.

(Putting this under the cut cause it's longgggg. The Twins and Forneus's story has so little in-game text that it's become this favorite thing of mine to interpret/expand)

The Two Parents

Forneus did and didn’t have a choice to give the boys up. When Shamura appeared, the newborn, extremely premature kits were already doomed to die, so the choice to either let them pass naturally or to allow War to take them as gifts with a potential of reunion was an either damned if she did or damned if she didn’t, situation. And in her grief and desperation, she chose the option that gave the potential for hope. She gave the twins to Shamura, accepted the golden skull, and waited. Waited for her babies to come home, waited as a mother who never really ever had a chance to be a mother-one who works off feelings but no experience. 

Meanwhile when it came to Aym and Baal, Narinder never told them who their parent(s) were. How could he, when he himself had no certainty as to who they were? Though his 7th Vessel, Forneus, had left service specifically because of pregnancy, he had no means of tracking how much time had passed since when they first arrived (it could've been a century since for all he knew), nor any means to confirm without doubt that the black, newborn kittens were hers even once his next vessel gave him the date-he couldn't ask them to investigate something so personal and unrelated to their cause.

Their box held only their bodies, a spider-silk cloth which was their burial shroud, and a note penned in Shamura’s hand. ‘A Gift’ that’s all the note said. No names, no clues, no nothing. While Narinder had suspicions, he could not in good conscious tell the boys of a potential mother out of risk of being wrong-of getting their hopes up for a heroic parent only to be proved that it wasn’t her, or worse, told heroic tales just to learn they were abandoned all along. Vessel 7 was heroic yes, had a sense of justice yes, but during her service her luck had made her grow arrogant, had transformed flirting into a game of hearts and people into a way to get the upper hand-for all he knew, if they were hers, they could've all along been her means of trying to easily get out of vesselship. He just didn't know.

And thus Narinder raised them from there. He tried to use the title of ‘Master’ as a barrier in hopes that, if they did have a family awaiting them, he wouldn't take their place, (it was also out of guilt for being the reason they were trapped) but he also couldn't bring himself to fully shut them out either. The moment their dead bodies healed in the gate and they started to mewl for attention his unbeating heart bled for them, and he just couldn't deny them love because he knew how much it hurt to be without.

The Twins

As centuries passed Aym and Baal were content with Narinder as their 'Master'. He who told them stories of his time above, who taught them how to fight, who fashioned them clothes from whatever scraps of cloth he would get vessels to send-he was all they had and knew. When they felt the time to sleep it was in his paws they curled up, when they got hurt training or got bored it was from he they received comfort and attention. It was his magic which allowed them to age against the Gateway's stasis, it was he who saw their eyes open, watched as they learned to speak and walk.

But that’s not to say neither did think of whoever was left behind from time to time. Baal tried to keep hope that he and his brother were taken-stolen by the Bishops, with whatever parents they’d had having desperately tried to keep War away. Aym, meanwhile, only felt anger, bitterness and resentment, for who lets two three day old kits be taken and sacrificed? Narinder himself simply tried to keep neutral on the subject, not wanting to feed into either side in hopes that'd avoid a heartbreak or the smooth transition to their 'real' kin.

The Lamb

When the Lamb appears and starts to befriend them, it's then the boys suddenly find themselves feeling the same sense of security and comfort Narinder gives them towards Anthea. As the lamb brings them toys and books catered to their interests, teaches them to read, uses the crown to show them the world above and encourage their boundless curiosities. As nights suddenly see the lamb visit in their nightgown book and quilt in hand, letting the twins snuggle into their sides as the three are cradled against Narinder's chest while reading a book, and the boys fall asleep to a heartbeat for the first time. Narinder had always been stability and security, Anthea became tenderness and warmth.

Anthea teaches them what a 'Father' is as well, and the boys realize that's what their master actually is-he's their dad and tentatively start testing calling him as such, and while it's not until just before Silk Cradle they realize it (yet don't call them Baba yet) Anthea's long on their way to feeling like a parent too.

Which then begs the question…what of the parent(s) left behind?

First Contact

Baal still wants to meet them, he's always been curious and just wants to know who they are, while Aym is still angry and wants nothing to do with them. They got a parent in their master, and Anthea's their friend and practically a parent too, so why bother with the ones who abandoned them? Narinder overhears the boys debate over it more and more, and as Anchordeep’s door opens, Narinder hesitantly asks the Lamb for a favor.

He’d heard rumors of a shopkeep she-cat who wore a golden skull, and Anthea had been the first to confirm that cat's name was Forneus. He’d never asked a vessel to do such a thing before, mainly out of not feeling close enough to ever ask such a personal, unrelated to the Bishops, task, but he wants to give the boys closure, and Anthea would happily do anything to help the kits. And thus they're sent out, and in a bit of a side quest work their way to getting Forneus to sit down and just...talk.

She explains her side of what happened, how the boys were born too soon, how she had really no choice, breaks down, and as the cats had been listening in and Aym who's now uncertain feels bad, and he requests Narinder for permission to speak.

“Save your tears for when we meet” is what he says, and that’s all that’s said through the crown.

For Aym it’s an olive branch-he’s sorta gotten an answer as to why he and his brother were sacrificed, though he's not entirely sure how to feel since well...she still gave them up, but she looks sorry so... Baal's eager and happy to hear that they were cared about but is a little disappointed at realizing that she didn't really hesitate despite the situation, but regardless, both are willing to give her a chance. They want to get to know her, and then they'll decide how they feel after that.

They, do not, see her as a proper 'Mother'. Just someone who shares their blood who they want to meet. To then Narinder's still Dad-he's still the one who makes them feel secure.

Meanwhile for Forneus it’s proof that she’ll get what was promised. Her boys are not only alive, but they’re children-they’re still children, so she'll now get what she wanted and more. They'll reunite and she'll then take her children home to travel by her side-she’ll get to raise her dear little babies just as she’d planned, and while it took so long it's going to be perfect.

She's dreamt of the boys seeing and running into her oncoming embrace crying. That they'll love her instantly and had already because she's their mother so of course that's how they'll feel. How could they not? Children ALWAYS love their parents.

The Lamb promises to help her meet them once they’re free, and every visit after, Forneus tries to get the boys to talk again-offers gifts for the lamb to bring to the Gateway, rambles on about all the things they'll do together while the Lamb browses her shop. And...well they're things, at least. Most of the toys she offers are either baby toys or things that just don't interest the boys, and some of her plans are...plans. They're elaborate-taking them to X mountain, to X landmark, traveling here and there and everywhere. Big and grand and...and never mentioning their Dad or Anthea being there.

Baal thinks it's sweet how excited she is while Aym is getting more and more unsure-but even Baal eventually admits that she's a little...loud. Forneus is loud-she's energetic and eager and while he and Aym can be too, seeing it from a stranger about them is...weird. She keeps calling herself their Mama , and calling them Zamir and Delshad despite being told otherwise because apparently those were their names (a fact not even Shamura had been given. Narinder had to name the boys himself). She keeps talking about those three days they were with her, and it kinda feels like she loves the babies she gave up and not them.

Anthea tries to tell her about them, but she usually doesn't realzie since she's busy talking to her babies and not them, it's as if the lamb isn't even there. The boys can't even try to think of trying to talk-she never leaves an opening for them to try. Eventually the boys ask Narinder to mute the crown during the Lamb's shop visits the more uncomfortable it gets.

It's like going to a family reunion and being brought to your great Aunt who last saw you as an infant at your christening. She insists on kissing your face and hugging you tight and going oh how big you've grown sweetiepie and this and that and...and you put up with it because she's family but...well she's a stranger despite the shared blood. She doesn't actually know the you of now-and you don't know her.

Reunion

When the final Bishop falls is when Forneus suddenly finds herself left in the dark. For 6 months she sees hide nor hair of the Lamb, and gradually gets worried because where are her sons? The Bishops are dead, why hasn't she been given back her babies?

(The Lamb had been avoiding her cart during crusades out of both grief and guilt-Aym's dying word of calling them 'Baba'...it broke something in them, made them realize just how much the boys had meant. They had a shattered heart and endless guilt, and having to face Forneus and explain she'd never meet her sons? It'd been too much as a grieving parent themself)

The twins were revived after 4 months but Anthea only finally approached Forneus after 6, and she was too relived to finally hear she could meet them to bother asking what'd happened. Anthea invited her to come to the cult that weekend, and Forneus happily accepted, not even noticing the tiredness in the Lamb's eyes nor the uncertainty in their tone. Even on the day she arrived at the cult, she didn't mind the lamb, not even as Anthea gave her a final warning.  

"There was trouble setting them free…they’re wary, skittish, they’ve been through a lot... I know you’re excited but please be gentle when you speak to them, be calm and keep your distance please they’re so easy to startle."  

Meanwhile the boys waited at the temple with Narinder, who, for the hundredth time, asked if they were certain they were ready for this. Though it'd been 2 months, the toll of dying so traumatically via turning to ash, of being trapped in the gateway, the trauma of resurrection, the fear of being alone without their parents because that's what he and Anthea were to them, Narinder had wanted them to wait as did Anthea. The boys could hardly sleep without at least one of them there with them in bed, were just starting to be ok interacting with other people, could only handle the touch of a select few and even then sometimes would just break down into panic attacks out of seemingly nowhere. They weren't ok, but the boys had insisted. This woman who claimed to love them had been kept in the dark for so long, they felt bad and wanted to try.

They felt guilty for not being ok. Even as Narinder and Anthea repeatedly and gently reminded them that it was alright-that their feelings were valid, that they could take all the time they needed and they'd be right there to support them, the boys had insisted and they just couldn't deny them their choice.

But once Forneus arrived no one got the chance to even properly introduce the boys to her-she just saw them, ran towards them for the reunion she dreamt up, swept them into her arms, and next thing she knew she had two yowling, struggling kits trying to break from her hold. In her excitement and in not listening to Anthea's warnings she'd done the worst thing anyone could've done-she was louder, bigger, stronger, scarier than them, and as the kids managed to shock her into dropping them suddenly Baal was hyperventilating, and Aym was working himself into a panic attack. And Narinder and Anthea, having two months practice in calming them like this, and having long been the twin's safe people, immediately fell into place. Narinder got Baal, Anthea got Aym, and Forneus could only watch.

Could only watch as Baal started gasping for Dad as Narinder tried to get him to breathe, as Aym started sobbing for Baba and practically tried to bury himself in their embrace, as her babies looked at her in fear and clung to someone else.

And then all she can feel is anger. She'd waited 300 years-those boys were hers. Why are they clinging to someone else?

From there it just becomes a mess, she gets into a very loud, very heated argument with Narinder especially for 'stealing' her sons which just scares the boys more, and in a very poor move tries to just grab one of them which prompts Anthea to use a show of godly power and threaten her to get out of the Cult which she does since a crowd has also formed (the Cult was ALL aware of the twin's poor mental state, and they'd all grown very protective of the community's first children despite having to keep their distance because by gods those kids deserved more than what fate had given them).

Forneus leaves angry, and Narinder and Anthea now got two kits who had been tentatively healing temporarily back at square one, and who are now gonna start having nightmares of a stranger taking them away on top of preexisting ones.

I wanna note that Forneus isn't a bad person. She isn't, but she's also not used to things not going her way. As a vessel she was 'Lady Luck', she who rarely died, who always had the upper hand, who would pop curse shots at the Goddess of Famine for fun and be the heartbreaker of her own cult able to flirt and tease and talk her way to whatever she wished. She's kind and cheerful and charismatic sure and she genuinely does want to help people and do the right thing, but there's still this...ignorance, arrogance-that she doesn't even realize is there.

Like how above in Starfall Part 1 she VERY casually mentions how she 'knows what it's like missing her own twins' and 'how 'hard' it must be for Anthea to have nothing of their family to remember them by', but the thing is...she doesn't know. She's so hooked on this idea that she WILL get her boys back that she completely has just ignored the grief that comes with loss entirely this whole time. The way she misses her sons is NOTHING like how Anthea misses their brothers-she misses them like a relative you haven't seen in awhile but will see soon. Anthea misses their brothers because they're DEAD and they know that they will NEVER see the two again, especially now. Like Forneus has not considered how she's lost a LOT of moments with her children. They're still kids yeah but they're not returning to her as blank slates-though physically and mentally 11 they've been with Narinder for over 300 years, that's a lot of time to be without her. She loves them, but kinda more-so the sons she thought she'd get back.

Thus when you've been envisioning this 'perfect' reunion the entire time only for it to not go your way...it's a hard pill to swallow. She gets disappointed/angry understandably-anyone would, but instead of stepping back and realizing she can't fault the boy's feelings she takes it out of the ones who 'took' her place instead, which then turns her into this loud scary bad-guy to the boys.

And Aym and Baal aren't to blame in this situation, like they're kids, and like with my 'great aunt who last saw you as a baby' analogy, it's not their fault they don't immediately love her. She's a stranger-one whom, the more she tried to force interactions via the crown during their imprisonment, seemed to have little interest in them personally and more in whatever children she assumed she'd be getting back. And after that disaster of a first meeting? They don't want anything to do with her she scared them that much.

As for Narinder and Anthea they both feel awful because they understand why Forneus is angry, she only gave them up because she was promised a chance for reunion (though she ignored the CHANCE part of that), but in the same breath Aym and Baal are their sons and they'll take their side first over anyone else's. And the thing is there's nothing that could've been done on their part to prevent this really either.

Anthea telling Forneus the twins had died? Anger, grief, then upon their revival a fierce insistence for the boys to NEVER go near the Lamb or Narinder again, which the twins would've been just as terrified and against.

Narinder not showing care to the kits for those 300 years? They would've gotten attached to him anyway since he was literally all they had, though they might've turned out worse emotionally because of neglect

Telling the boys to wait longer to meet Forneus? She likely would've just shown up on her own within another month anyway since by that point Anthea had just freed Heket from Purgatory and word was starting to get around about the new God of Death so this would've happened but worse.

The only way Forneus could've had the reunion she'd wanted would have been if Narinder never forced the twins to start aging against the stasis. But then there would be two 300+ year old infants, which is a whole other can of worms.

Notes/Explaination

Again I love Forneus in-game she's so adorable and my one of my favorite NPCs to visit, but I also like making imperfect characters, especially parents and their relationships with their children. And while I love the idea of her being this wonderful, sweet, amazing mother, I also like the idea of her being really flawed about it to.

Crimson Angel is about learning to communicate with your loved ones, and in this case, it needs to be her looking at things from the twins view and realizing that if they don't want her in their lives, she has to accept that. She needs to realize that she's not entitled to their love just because she gave birth to them. She also has to let go of the sons she gave up that day-those three day old infants who were perfect little blank slates, and get to know the boys they became without her. She has to realize someone else took her place in their hearts, and realize that if she wants to join them, she HAS to let the boys come to her, and that she has to work on THEIR terms.

She cannot try and force a love if she wants a chance for it at all, and must swallow her pride and listen to others who know the boys better-Anthea and Narinder, alongside the boys themselves.

She'll get a relationship with the boys eventually, but it's not going to be the one she hoped for. She's gotta work on herself first and realize her flaws, maybe get some practice with handling children via unintentionally adopting a certain fan-favorite grave spider kid after finding him all alone, and just...wait. Narinder and Anthea are the twin's primary parents, and while Forneus does eventually get to a place where they're comfortable with her, it's never going to be on the same level, and they all just gotta contend with that.

Boarders are by @/lambouillet

[deadn30n-arch]

something that really, really bothers me about some parts of the HSR fandom is how flippant they make Phainon out to be regarding the deaths of like, everyone except Mydei. && yeah ok Mydei isn't dead and technically neither is Castorice, but i find it really difficult to grasp the idea that he just... wouldn't care about anyone except Mydei? that feels so wrong? some of the takes i saw on twitter had me on my knees like i got shot in the heart because he just

i don't think you understand how much this is all affecting him. hoyo's done a shit job at showing it, but there's no chance in hell Phainon isn't silently tearing himself apart over it.

he's happy Castorice has finally found her answers. that she's embraced he truths, her past, present, and future. but she's gone. she's gone. she can't come back. she was a constant presence by his side for so very long, and suddenly he's lost that? this sweet girl who could be a little silly sometimes, who only ever wanted to know the warmth of an embrace, who both resented her powers but also embraced them, is just....... not there anymore.

he watched Tribbie's past. saw it in real time. he witnessed everything she endured, the harsh choices she had to make. the heartbreak, the death, the suffering, the pain, the sorrow, the love and joy. he saw her make the most difficult choice of her life; to sacrifice her own future and embrace was meant to be her prophecy. to split herself apart into so many versions of herself and suffer each time one was lost. Trianne's death undoubtedly fucked him up because not only did she die, but she did it for the sake of saving everyone else, including him. do you know how heavily that must've weighed on him? i have no doubt in my mind he's gone out of his way to visit her little shrine, one on one, just to mourn and promise he won't waste her sacrifice

for days he carried the burden of guilt for not being able to save his teacher, Anaxagoras, who taught him so many valuable life lessons and strengthened him both mind and soul. the person he spent years under the tutelege of. whom he respected and looked to for guidance when his heart wavered. that he couldn't make it to the grove in time before Anaxa made the ultimate sacrifice not just for the sake of his self-pursuit, but for the sake of keeping others alive. that weight is a heaviness on his chest he struggles with. knowing if he'd gotten there sooner, things could've been different. but he respects Anaxa's decisions, knows that Anaxa didn't mind doing what he did and never resented his fate, but embraced it. and then looked at Phainon and showed that he had complete faith in a man who doesn't have any faith in himself, before killing himself

Phainon is supposed to be the World Bearing Titan. he's supposed to embrace everything, inherit everything, and guide Amphoreus to the future it needs. and he's so fucking scared he'll fail inside, but he looks at these people who've given up their lives, their freedoms, their souls just to make sure he can do that and walked unflinchingly toward their own futures without a glance back and he just. wants to do right by them.

and yes he is really upset about losing his best friend. anyone would. Mydei's been a constant by his side for as long as he can remember, they have a bond deeper than what can be put into words. they trusted one another, believed in one another, and Mydei was confident that Phainon could do the things that Phainon himself struggles to think he can. i'm definitely not diminishing any of that by any means, it just frustrates me to no end that people think he only cares about Mydei and is so one dimensional in his grief when he just. isn't. he's so unbelievably complex that picking him apart and dissecting him from every angle would take forever. he sometimes struggles to even understand himself but he's trying. he's doing everything in his power to be what the world believes in him to be. he has to, or it all goes in vain.

[barlowstreet]

If you could rewrite tlou season 2 what would happen in it?

You trying to get me in trouble, anon? :P Just for the record, this is the only time I'm gonna answer this and this is also the answer to "if you were to write a tlou2/season 2 fix-it fanfic what would it be" because I am also never gonna do that.

Putting this under a cut for long

Okay, so my opinion is that killing Joel off is cheap and boring and honestly just cruel. I think it is much harder and more complicated and complex to make people actually live with their choices and the consequences of their choices. Death is easy, in fiction.

If you want a completely different plot, I might go with Ellie finds out about Joel lying to her (and I wouldn't do a long estrangement, but I might let her believe it longer) and then have her leave. Maybe she hears about another Firefly group and tries to go track them down. You could have Joel following her or something, even, adding conflict between them or you could have him catch her to her fairly fast and her make him pick going with her or she never speaks to him again.

Then let her choose. There's more than one doctor in the world, and if it's been long enough, why couldn't they find another that thinks they could do it? Bring them back to the same place narratively, but separate her and Joel again and let her choose. Make it long enough that she has friends and you can still put in Jesse and Dina and whatever you want, like give her family and things to live to. Make her not a suicidal fourteen year old, let her actually heal some of her trauma, and let her realize "Oh, shit this is not okay."

If you wanna be really mean, you could make it so she has to choose between the vaccine and Joel. I dunno, maybe have her realize the Fireflies are going to kill him so he doesn't stop them again.

OR my other idea would be basically the same thing as it's doing (minus the... really dumb plot points like 2 people patrols) except Ellie only thinks Joel is dead. Kinda like spiral fractures, except I would make him actually pretty hurt. Like almost a coma, they don't know if he's gonna wake up, etc.

Because I think Abby would be a lot more interesting as a character (and actually redeemable) if she gets to the point of nearly killing Joel but then not being able to actually do it. Imagine she's standing over him, he's bleeding on the floor, helpless, and all she can hear is Ellie begging for her dad not to die, and all she can see is her own dad, and she can't do it. She can't make another girl a fatherless daughter.

Have Ellie go after Abby the same as she does, but the whole time, have Ellie think Joel is dead. Honestly you could speed up the timeline and have her burning so hot with revenge that she's following Abby while still hurt, half-killing herself in the process. She just has to believe Joel is dead.

Then in their confrontations they BOTH have to be wrestling with guilt and grief and, you know, do whatever you want with that. But Ellie eventually still makes the choice to stop, though I'd let Abby taunt her about Joel maybe being alive and her leaving him to increase the guilt, but let Ellie think he's dead and still choose to stop the revenge thing because she can see how endless it is and she wants to choose to be better.

It's choices and what she does have to offer the world. Have Abby scream at her about how unfair it is that she had her dad and her family and a really amazing little town and she's still so unhappy, and okay, you didn't make a vaccine, so what did you do to make your life so worthwhile? I think it'd be good to really emphasize that what Ellie has is what Abby wants so, so badly. Accuse her of wasting it and not appreciating it, like echo Marlene saying, "Don't waste this gift" to Joel.

Honestly, let Abby forgive Ellie for being alive, even. Like maybe not for the killing her dad thing, but for just being another kid in a messed up world who didn't deserve to die. Let her look at this kid who's younger than her and still just a messed up kid and let her forgive her for living and tell her to go home and live.

And then when Ellie goes home to Jackson, obviously he's not dead, and she sits at his hospital bed and says she forgives him or is going to try to forgive him, whatever you want. She falls asleep on the bed, and she's woken up by a voice going, "Hey, kiddo."

Smash cut to black, end of show.

Because the act of forgiving someone for something that is unforgiveable is always going to be more interesting when they're alive to deal with the consequences than if they're dead. It just is. Redemption through death is boring.

Also no homophobic Joel.

[stygiansun-totaleclipse]

Hi author.....

I've read your story, I gotta say this one is thrilling and interesting plot with touch of supernatural apparition but at the same time MC siblings here frustrated me to no end (not the living one), well that aside I feel my MC shouldn't feel remorse for that, in my opinion it's not their fault the warning is ignored, rather than sad and wallow in self blame I would feel frustrated and angry about the situation.

I personally already get the idea that fate is not set in stone, it just sometimes people are too stubborn or maybe too blinded by vengeance maybe combination of both to temp fate despite the warning.

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!! :) ❤️

Kind of a long answer here but I wanted to explain some of my decisions regarding those points you brought up. Hid it under the cut for spoilers for this update! :)

MC was also in part frustrated that their warnings were ignored or unheard as after Parim’s death mc developed a sense of paranoia and deepened sense of responsibility for their siblings’ fates as if they could personally steer them away from certain futures and if they didn’t it felt to mc like a failure on their part for not doing enough as they did with Parim. That’s what Luca was telling mc though—that their guilt here is misplaced and they can’t possibly take responsibility for decisions that weren’t theirs to make. People do irrational things under great deals of pressure/stress/grief etc—Aurora admitted she knew what she risked in going and MCs warning is why she went but still divided her fleet as suggested—she feared for Nours safety (MCs visions are not always one possible outcome, sometimes they see in branching paths and Aurora couldn’t risk this being the case) and she wouldn’t put others at risk if she wouldn’t even put herself at risk. She took precautions but neither mc nor her expected Celestyl to use sea serpents. And Ember and Castor eventually became too blinded by obsession and grief to listen to mc or anyone.

I made mc feel guilt over this instead of giving the option of how to feel to the player or just making them feel frustrated/angry/sorrowful etc over it for storytelling purposes—it’s an irrational part of their grieving but it plays into the complex mc developed following Parim’s death (and initially Luca’s death) and mc is also still a character, and though very customizable, they also have lived experiences and history that I think would lead them to act in certain ways maybe you or someone else would not in the same situation (like I’ve given mc some certain set flaws/ideals that will come up later for certain parts of the stories that have been molded by their upbringing). It also played into a point Luca needed to make with mc in their dream talk this update and an important overall theme—that while no, mc can’t be responsible for everyone’s fate despite their best efforts, their efforts and why they make them are what’s important here: that you fight for what you love, that you care so the world cares, regardless of whether fate is or is not something that is set in stone or something mc has any real choice in. Because the alternative is apathy and doing nothing and you can’t resign yourself to that. Who will care if you don’t?

Hope that makes sense in why I did things that way, but yes it was all a very frustrating and difficult experience for mc too! Thanks again for reading and for sharing your experience with the demo update! ❤️ :D

[aventurineswife]

"You can't save everyone, Hyacine." A gentle whisper a soft touch, was all it took to put the Heir on edge. She remembered this voice well, so sickeningly sweet and inviting.

"Why have you returned." Hyacine demanded as she shrugged off reader's hand.

"To relieve their suffering, to ease your burden." Reader stood next to Hyacine before a patient of hers. "He's fallen to Nihility, allow me this." Hyacine glared at the reader and grabbed her wrist.

"Nihility..." the Emanator began as she let Hyacine push her away from her patient, "Once you fall under THEIR shadow, there is no going back. He wishes for death, I will provide it quickly." She finished, but made no move to push Hyacine's boundary.

"You are a monster." Hyacine spat.

The reader clicked her tongue and smiled, "A beast, more like. Monsters don't know pity." She countered while approaching once more. "Allow me this, let me show you." And just like their first meeting, the reader extended her hand in offer.

Only this time Hyacine could see her, truly see her. Her hand was prosthetic, intricate metal engraved with flowers unknown to her.

"No, I will not tell you again. Now. Leave." The reader sighed but said no more as she faded away leaving Hyacine with her patient.

"Just let me die..." the man muttered weakly, cracking Hyacine's resolve ever so slightly. How could that monster be right?

Later that night Hyacine learned of the patients demise, brought by his own hand unable to endure the mental anguish and physical pain wrought onto him.

"I could have helped him, but you denied him only furthering his suffering."

Hyacine did not sleep, far too focused on the reader and her words, her supposed mercy.

This one felt a little sloppier, don't really have a good grip on Hyacine's character other than that she's bubbly and cares immensely for her patients.

Honestly? This was far from sloppy. It’s thoughtful, haunting, and deeply atmospheric. You nailed a really complex emotional space—the clash between uncompromising compassion and the grim mercy of letting go. Even if you're still getting a feel for Hyacine, the tension between her idealism and the reader’s cold, almost reverent practicality feels so grounded. It works.

The scene is so vivid too. That soft touch, the reader’s calm persistence, and the subtle horror of a being who sees death not as an ending but a release—it’s eerie in the best way. Reader’s line, “Monsters don’t know pity,” stuck with me. It reframes her monstrousness into something bittersweet, like she’s accepted her role as something feared because she’s willing to do what others won’t. That’s the type of moral dissonance that lingers.

And Hyacine? Even if you think you don’t have a handle on her, the vulnerability she shows here, the strain of her trying to hold the line between life and death with pure empathy—it’s so compelling. Watching her be confronted with a truth that feels wrong but might not be… yeah. That’s character development territory.

Also, that final image of her not sleeping—caught between grief, guilt, and confusion? Beautifully human. She’s not wrong for caring. Reader’s not wrong for wanting to end the suffering. It’s just one of those scenarios where “right” becomes painfully gray.

[catwings-writes-things]

❄️ Snow - Who is your coldest / most stoic character and how do they express themselves (if at all)?

☀️ Sun - What's your favorite part of your WIP?

☁️ Cloudy - What inspired you to start writing your WIP? (or in general)

Finally getting around to these--thank you for the ask! As usual, it's long, so putting this under a cut:

Snow - Who is your coldest / most stoic character and how do they express themselves (if at all)?

That would be Mike. He does express emotions in various ways, but neither his emotions nor his methods of expressing them tend to make much sense to people who are not him, especially if those people don't already know him well. Those who do know him well know that his facial expressions are much less reliable indicators than his clothing, body language, and speech patterns--when he's uncomfortable, he puts on more layers or buttons or zips the ones he has on to cover up as much as possible, relies more heavily on scripted sentences to speak or stops talking altogether, looks around compulsively as if checking for threats or escape routes, or just Vasts himself out of the situation altogether. If he's comfortable, he'll take off his jacket, unbutton his collar, be more willing to speak in single words or choppy sentences or use sign language as long as he's getting the point across, keep his attention on things for longer without needing to scan the area for threats, and generally seem more present.

Sun - What's your favorite part of your WIP?

I have SO many favorite parts of my WIP, but right now two things are coming to mind.

The first is the final scene of chapter 5, which includes a compilation of interwoven flashbacks from Jon's time as a captive of the Circus of the Other and Helen Richardson's second time in the corridors of the Distortion that culminates in Helen Richardson seeing Jon as a hopeless, defeated prisoner, choosing to try to help him even at the cost of her own life, and melding into her own prison as a result, leading to Distortion Helen coming into existence and rescuing Jon but also destroying both of the people that Helen used to be. I think I did a good job both showing the parallels between the respective situations and creating a sense of disorientation without leaving my readers totally lost, and I'm proud of that.

The second is a scene from chapter 11, where Harriet voluntarily offers Jon a statement and ends up telling him about Robert Kelly, a young man she befriended, slept with, tried to recruit into the service of the Vast through trickery, and ultimately murdered in a fit of grief and anger when her plan failed. I'm particularly proud of this one because I had a delicate balance to strike--Harriet's actions were genuinely horrible even by her own sometimes bizarre moral standards, and I didn't want to gloss over or excuse that, but I also didn't want my readers to lose sympathy. In the immortal words of @runarelle, the ways being an avatar fucks with you are many and complex. Harriet thought she meant well, she truly didn't mean to hurt Robert (at least, she didn't intend to harm him in any way she didn't think he'd agree was worth it) except for that one moment, and the guilt and remorse have been tearing her up inside for the past fifteen years, but she still did it, still lied to and betrayed and killed someone who loved and trusted her for literal years. She made a horrible, horrible mistake, she knows and readily acknowledges that, and she has learned from it and changed the way she interacts with humans so as never to do something like that again--and she still kills people, even if it's not as often as she lets her avatar friends and family assume. She's a messed-up person living in a messed-up world, and so are we, even if it's not as obvious. This part in particular is, I believe, one of the best things I've ever written:

Jon smiled at her, then picked up his mug and took a sip of tea.

Harriet wiped her face one more time, blew her nose, and set her handkerchief on her lap, then followed suit with her own mug, grimacing as her tea was contaminated by a bit of snot she'd failed to completely remove from her upper lip.

Jon looked at her, this dangerous, terrifying predator with blood on her hands and a smile full of teeth, this playful, caring friend who routinely risked her life reaching out to new avatars she didn't even know, this loyal and devoted acolyte of eternity and family member to her fellows, this manipulative schemer who'd betrayed and killed someone who had loved and trusted her, this grieving woman sitting on a sofa she'd bought for a friend and helped move into his new apartment after she called in multiple favors to help him escape a horrible situation while he’d still been a complete stranger to her, just because she'd wanted to help. The kindest and the cruelest of the little group who'd assembled to help Jon escape, holding a star-filled sky in her hands and a snot-soaked handkerchief in her lap, waiting with red, puffy eyes and a mug of hot tea that was nearly a quarter honey to find out if Jon would think less of her now that he knew the details of what she believed wasn't even the worst thing she'd ever done.

Jon saw Harriet—the good, the bad, and the ugly; as she was and as she had been; the faults she was ashamed of, those she couldn't grasp, and those she couldn't face; her greatest triumphs and most brutal failures—and he loved her, fully and unshakably.

Erica (Erica's predecessor, technically) had been right. At this exact moment, Knowing so deeply was an honor and a privilege, one Jon was sincerely grateful for. One that led to love as inexorably and forcefully as a rainstorm in a desert led to a flash flood.

Cloudy - What inspired you to start writing your WIP? (or in general)

I've talked about the convoluted inspiration train of AWOHO on this blog before (see here, here, here, and here), so this time I'll talk about what inspired me to start writing in general--or, more accurately, what inspired me to start posting my writing. I've been writing stories (sometimes thinly veiled fanfiction, before I knew that fanfiction was a thing) since I was very young, but the first fanfics I wrote and the reason I made a ff.net and then an AO3 account were prompts from my sister, who had read some of my stories and asked me if I could write specific things. She's also the person who pulled up the first fanfic I ever read on my phone, shoved it into my hands, and said "you need to read this," so... yeah. You all have her to thank for me being here.

(Ask game here)

[m34gs]

Rollo Flamme in the TWST Saw AU: Victim or rival apprentice? (can imagine him in a trap after the events of GloMas)

Alrighty, time to answer this ask! Thank you for your patience, anon, I just finished the Glorious Masquerade on Sunday! I talked with @kimium (co-creator of the Saw AU; see her fics here) and we had a good discussion about Rollo!

So, what we know about Rollo is that his actions were fuelled by his despair, anger, grief, and survivor's guilt surrounding the death of his younger brother. But, part of him doesn't want to believe what he is doing is wrong. He has twisted his own morals to justify trying to rid the world of magic for the good of others. You could even say, because of the way he is so desperate to convince himself that he's doing the right thing, that he is doing this *because* he values life. He's a complex and interesting side-character and it's fun to discuss him. I think, if he was in the main story, he also would have been one of the overblots...which makes this an interesting case.

That brings me to what Kim and I came to as a conclusion. Rollo is not an apprentice, neither is he a trap victim. Not because he is somehow right; no. Not because the Housewardens don't care; Malleus in particular wants to chuck him in a trap. It's a mix of things keeping Rollo "safe":

Division of the Housewardens. While they are all independent apprentices, Kim and I have established with each other that there are times where they work together, make agreements, and set guidelines/rules together for themselves to follow. When playing through the event, the Housewardens at Fleur City had mixed feelings about what Rollo did. While they all did work together to stop him, Idia in particular felt a connection to him. I mean, how often is it that someone else's diary gets Idia Shroud to *willingly* climb stairs? I'm certain it hit really close to home for him, and I think it would make him hesitate to put Rollo in a trap; because it would be very personal. Azul probably would weigh pros and cons of putting Rollo in the trap, so that will depend on his use to Azul. Riddle might want to put him in a trap, but he would probably consult Jigsaw first at the very least. What about the Housewardens not present at the scene? Well, we've already established Kalim doesn't like putting people in traps to begin with (and he'd probably fight with Jamil over trapping Rollo if it came down to it). Leona would find Rollo annoying, but if the problem's been dealt with he isn't about to waste his time and energy going after him. Vil is one of the most compassionate Housewardens in my mind; he is another we've established does not enjoy putting people in traps if he doesn't feel he has to. What about Malleus? He has fae powers, right? And we've established that he more or less follows John's rules out of courtesy and not because he is afraid of breaking them. That kind of brings us to the next points.

No Actual Harm Befell Yuu. We've established that the Housewardens, especially Malleus, will consider throwing anyone in a trap if they've harmed Yuu (though there are some times where they don't think traps are appropriate or are too easy a punishment, they still consider it). Aside from dropping the floor out from under Yuu (where they were saved by Professor Trein), Rollo didn't actually try to do anything to Yuu directly. The firelotuses don't affect Yuu since they have no magic. If anything happened to Yuu, it would have been collateral damage, but I would argue that he might have been trying hard not to harm Yuu (or anyone without magic); based on the discussions he had with them where he was pretty much trying to feel out whether they thought magic was evil as he did. There was potential for harm, and some would argue that's enough, but you wouldn't find all of them convinced.

Yuu Knows Rollo. This isn't some asshole in the street who they'll probably forget in a month or two. They know Rollo personally. They've talked to him at length. They may not be a fan of what he did, but they have been through something similar with each of the Housewardens and showed a remarkable ability to understand and make peace with people. It is reasonable to assume they could do the same with Rollo. If he ended up dying in a gruesome manner from a trap they would probably be sad. None of the Housewardens want to make Yuu sad. (Note: I have hinted before that Jigsaw would have put the Housewardens, and potentially their dorm mates, through traps too; this is different. The assumption is John did not know Yuu at the time. He knew of them but had not met them. He did not know what a sin it was To Make Yuu Sad. He also did not ever have a Housewarden trap another Housewarden; he did those ones himself. John eventually tries to make up for risking Yuu's sadness when he trapped the Housewardens by finding ways to make Yuu happy and allowing the Housewardens a looser leash when it comes to people who harm/disturb Yuu).

Potentially the strongest argument we have: The Gargoyle's Promise. In the event, when the gargoyle is losing its ability to move and speak, it tells Malleus, Idia, and Azul, to take care of Rollo. Look me in the eye and tell me Malleus will break that promise ever. Look me in the eyes. and Tell Me. He would never break his oath to a talking gargoyle. Even though he desperately wants to. He really wants to. He thinks about it every time he sees Rollo get too close to Yuu or give them presents (my little headcanon; I like to think Rollo tries to befriend Yuu and maybe even win them over). But the Gargoyle's promise is a powerful thing. It would take even more extreme acts to get him to consider breaking it. For now, Malleus just grumbles like a disgruntled housecat who has seen another cat sit on the sidewalk across the street, from his favourite vantage point in the window.

So, Rollo is safe for a few complex reasons! (That doesn't mean Malleus isn't watching him like a hawk though. He is. He definitely is.)

Of course, this is just what we've decided for our Saw AU; if you want to test Rollo through a trap or think he would make a good apprentice, I highly encourage you to build that AU as you see fit and have fun with it!

Thank you again for sending this ask, it was fun to discuss and answer! I liked it :D feel free to send more if you ever feel inclined; and feel free to send asks about this au to @kimium as well! Also, Kim, if you have anything further to add from what we've discussed, please do!

[shroomie-23]

Dude I remember have a fic idea[vaguely inspired by phoenix_flying's prophecy of the 9 series] about this where Alabaster was also taken by Hera and was put with Percy in the wolf house. That way they would bond and have their cute little amnesia romance before remembering everything and having to deal with all the complex problems and emotions that arose. Percy would want both Alabaster and Annabeth. While Alabaster [secretly/begrudgingly] yearns for Percy and Ethan, he is both ashamed of himself and envious of Annabeth. I was thinking that perhaps during the time that Percy was missing, Annabeth would've grown close to Piper. Annabeth would've had her own subplot of falling in love fore somebody else and realizing that what she had for Percy was really just a mixture of pure platonic love and fear of losing him. Then she would have to navigate those feeling while also under the impression she was secretly betraying Percy. Her frantic search for him is more born out of grief and guilt than it is love like in cannon. In the Tartarus arc[more conflict between percbeth then in cannon], Percy and Annabeth find themselves almost desperate for their respective crushes and sort of drift apart. On their last night in Tartarus they have a heartfelt conversation and officially decide to break off the romantic aspect of their relationship. Percy is devastated by this but Annabeth is more mournful and relived that it's finally over. Meanwhile Piper is much more impacted by the sudden loss than she initially realized, this leads to a dramatic emotional build up that her restless and exhausted the whole time [her]Annabeth is away and in danger. After Annabeth comes back from the pit single, Piper finally realizes her feelings and processes both the guilt and joy that comes with it. This means Piper has to break up with Jason. While looking for an excuse to do so she witnesses the closeness between Leo and Jason and takes it as a way out. Confessing her feelings to Jason, breaking up with him while at the same time informing him about his own [unknown]feelings for Leo, coping with her guilt by helpping him find happiness elsewhere. At the same time Alabaster is also feeling the pain of loosing Percy, but instead being able to stew on it Ethan [gently]confronts him about it and prods for an answer. Alabaster finally spills everything he's kept bottled up, things even he previously refused to admit to himself [to make this work while keeping it real, there would already have to be some background where the Ethanbaster relationship was at some point a polycule with somebody else or at least in someway non-monogamous]. Ethan would comfort him and offer a compromise, Percy could join their relationship for a trail run, if it worked it worked and if it didn't at least they tried [Ethan doesn't think it'll work, Alabaster doesn't either but hopes this will at least put his own feelings to rest]. After this Percy and Annabeth[percbeth no longer] come back from Tartarus and get with their respective partners. Ethan and Percy butt heads until a obstacle from Gia forces them to either effectively pour their hearts out to each other or to [temporarily]fuse into one person[giving both a deep-dive into the other's heart and soul].

They make it work from then on, Alabaster wants to feel happy about it but is still struggling with his own grief and pain-something he gets over after the battle is won and he is forced into a conversation with Eros and Aphrodite. Both love gods find themselves delighted in Ethanbastercy and basically smack Al in the face with his own feelings[an alternative could be that they curse/bless him into 'falling' for his own boyfriends, this could set the story up for a sequel]. After that it's a happy ending until the new Perabeth trilogy where Ethanbaster and Piper kind of watch from the sidelines and cheers the two on while at the same time catching up and forcing each other not to interfere. While I don't think I'll end up writing this fic it's an intresting concept that will definitely will my mind for a time. This can always change if the post gets lots of attention and there are people who actually want it created[just not until mid-may when testing season at my school ends] Whelp that's it, leave it to me to create an entire whatever this is over a sentence. Anyway, I hope whoever's reading this enjoyed and to have a lovely day.

Fic that appears to be an AU where the characters have a little low stakes meet cute and are having a sweet little romance, only for it to be revealed that no, this is in-universe and they both have amnesia and all the other characters are trying to find them and are losing their fucking shit

[tsoudeluxe]

favorite Yellowjackets character and why 3 2 1 GO

(mine is adult lottie bc i wanna know what is going on inside her head, and her and nats relationship y’know?)

hii !! unsurprisingly (and as my new url implies skdkfkgk), my favorite yellowjackets character is shauna! I just think she's so fascinating as a character.

the self-loathing and complex she had in regards to jackie for one thing. the way it was obvious she loved her, but she also envied her in equal measures. the way she longed to be closer to her so bad that it almost seemed like wanting to be her. bordering on obsession but the love was so prevalent nonetheless. not to mention her grief and guilt about it all. ugh.

I also deeply understand her crash out and anger as shown in s3 thus far. she's lost so much, she was put into a terrifying position (the butcher) too. As well as expected to uphold that role in all facets. I think she's spent so long always feeling like she was in someone or another's shadow that she just wants recognition. she wants her pain to be validated, and she wants to feel like she has some aspect of control and power. even to the point of detriment to herself or others.

she wants so much, but it's all always out of her grasp. she can never quite reach it. she can never quite touch something without breaking it.

also, seemingly unpopular opinion but I love adult timeline shauna too. I think she's a great exploration of trauma trapping someone in the past, that constant regression, and feeling stuck in a life you wouldn't have necessarily chosen for yourself under different circumstances.

sorry for absolutely rambling, I simply love her sm!! and I just think there's a lot about her that is so complex and interesting!!!

thanks for coming to my TED talk.

[shorthaltsjester]

sometimes people will say “going dark” and then what they’re actually talking about is just people no longer presenting a carefully constructed version of their emotions and experiences.

like. emotional turmoil is not the same as darkness. laudna in this Fictional Universe that has tangibly different stakes wrt to death and killing than our own, is at best like . morally neutral for what she just did like. man has been secretly trying to kill you, and then just tried to do so again, killing him back is a fair choice. and even if i was someone who is excited by delilah’s inability to escape from the narrative, this shit isn’t about delilah. laudna made a choice. if delilah is back or whatever it’s a choice that laudna made because something in that grants her more control than her existing conditions did. this isn’t some Delilah Takes Over, it’s Laudna Expressly Makes The Choice To Call Forth Something within Herself to remedy the lack of control that’s been thrust upon her. if y’all want to Continue to limit Laudna’s agency (as the cr fandom is so, so want to do when a female character makes a choice that isn’t Good according to some weird system of virtue ethics) go ahead.

likewise with orym. little guy is not “going dark” because he has finally made direct action about his emotional turmoil in dealing with a situation which has similarly left him without control and has also placed him in a position where his stalwart conviction towards protecting and honouring those he loves and has lost alike is constantly met with other people he cares for going well.. what if they had a point/we are killing other peoples loved ones/etc. which like . yeah that might be frustrating and in fact might lead him to go, actually, i can’t afford to try and maintain some abject morality where I carry a locket that will literally only provide guilt. orym is completely committed to his beliefs, the locket and what it represents has never been a limit to what he will do, only a reminder of the consequences of what he might cause in those actions. but they Are at war and orym has a billion things on his plate. he can put down the locket. especially when bor’dor is the explicit manifestation of that locket’s symbolism. the subtext rapidly became the text and orym doesn’t need a reminder. it’s there in the fact that team issylra is walking away with two friends, not three.

these are character who have at every turn denied their own emotions in various forms while still being acutely aware of what they deny, whether that awareness was/is fully realized or not. many of laudna’s early convos with ashton show us that there is some awareness to the lighthearted spooky goth girl and how that persona fades when she thinks too much about what has led her and maintained that reality. likewise the entirety of orym’s story thus far is defined by his grief in a very literal sense, it Has extended from that grief to also the commitment he had to the purpose of figuring out the assassination attempt on keyleth but as we have seen, that purpose has fallen apart. paired with the quasi-reopening of his grief that was getting to see will again only to have to turn away, i don’t think there’s a lack of awareness in orym of how much he hurts. but between his actions and 4SD, that hurt tends to get buried under guilt or Responsibility.

and now, finally, both of them have admitted to that Not in the safety of small introspection or one-on-one conversations but with actions that they cannot shy away from or deny. laudna killed bor’dor and orym encouraged her to. and it Is a complex situation but truly I don’t really think it’s a “going dark” one. because they’re not giving into some overhanging Darkness of Morality™, they’re admitting that they are hurt and have long been hurting.

or, y’know, tldr for those who continue to deny laudna and orym agency or fully villainise them for whatever weird reasons . you could listen to laudna and ashton’s conversation that pretty much lays it out explicitly. laudna claims she’s weak for having chosen to kill bor’dor. ashton denies that and affirms instead that, no, she’s hurt.

[niaerinisms]

These two excellent ILITW metas by @spacetravels really got me thinking about the 'Everyone Plays Together' scene in regards to Noah and MC. Regardless whether everyone else survives or dies, it is between them to take the place of the monster, in Jane's stead. Because, while everyone else was traumatized from what happened when they were kids, they were more-so stuck in their grief for Jane, the person they both loved so much, and their failure to have protected her. And by the end, they're the only ones who aren't to push past their respective traumas and insecurities. In the 'Everyone survives' ending, while everyone else is able to defend themselves and confront Jane when she taunts them about their insecurities, MC instead breaks down apologizing and never actually stands up for themselves.

(sorry for the shitty quality of the last one, I forgot to take my own screenshot and had to use a different one)

And Noah continues to blame himself for everything that had happened, instead of accepting that he was just an innocent kid who had no way of knowing what Redfield was capable and of stopping him from killing Jane. That he was not at fault for what had happened.

Noah and Devon's trauma and insecurities overlap (having been unable to save Jane when they felt they were the ones responsible for her protection) but manifest in different ways. MC feels like they need to save everyone, even at their own expense (like during the scene where they confronted Redfield, knowing that they could've died).

While Noah blames himself and falls into self-hatred and depression, being unable and not allowing himself to move on.

In the end, only one of them is able to be saved. Like everyone else, they're both tested by Jane, to see if they are able to overcome their trauma or if they succumb to it.

Noah is put under Jane's control, which symbolizes how his entire life, Jane's death has had a hold over him. His lack of a support system and his mother constantly blaming him has led him to centre his entire self over what happened back then. If his nerve is high enough, he's able to break her hold over him. If not, he succumbs to her influence over him and kills MC.

If Noah is able to break through, their fates are in MC's hands, which is MC's test. It's established that MC has a saviour complex, stemming from their past inability to have protected Jane. That's why it's MC's choice, not Noah's, of who sacrifices themselves.

Should MC choose to let Noah take Jane's place, it shows they're putting themselves first for once, and breaking their cycle of trying to save everyone. But if they choose to save Jane themselves/give Noah another chance on their own expense, while it was a selfless move, stemming from their love for Jane and want to save Noah, it was one that showed they had yet to overcome their guilt (and now would no longer be able to) and still felt like saving others were their responsibility.

That's what makes this final choice so interesting because neither choices are wrong or right. Would it be better for MC to let Noah make up for his last mistake and die content after a life of loneliness and self-hatred, being stuck in his grief about Jane to never have amounted into anything else? Or if they sacrifice themselves, letting Noah a chance of redemption and recovery while also robbing him the one thing that would've allowed him to finally feel at peace? And what about themselves? Is it better to be selfless and putting others in front of themselves like they've always done? Is it selflessness when Noah didn't even want MC to sacrifice themselves? And would it be fair to themselves?

There's no better or worse choice. It's just whatever choice MC chooses and the both of them have to live with it.

(another thing worth noting is how whoever out of MC and Noah do survive are shown in ILB/ILW to still be stuck on their past, but now in regards to each other and their past choices (MC letting Noah sacrifice himself/not saving him that day or Noah's actions leading to MC being put in a position where they choose to sacrifice themselves) with MC obsessing over trying to save Noah or Noah trying to bring MC back and undo his mistake but that's a post for another day)

[feymaid]

You can't even PRESUME the amount of joy when I read that you're making a pic of the whole Aeducan family! Really hope tumblr won't screw up the quality like it tends to do. Big fan here, I'm curious: how much the kids resemble their father, will the mother make an appearance on that portrait? I wonder about your headcanons on her looks, personality and what could have been, if she stuck around long enough to at least see her kids grow up. Who takes after who & what (in personality this time)?

Hello!! Thank you so much for your interest!! This turned out to be pretty long so I have it all written out below for you :D ~

It's funny because I actually only was intending to originally focus on the three Aeducan siblings but this ask got me thinking about their parents and who each child takes more after. I would say all in all that all three of them resemble their mother at first glance. But their father's features become more easily identified as they all get older.

In my own headcanon, mommy Aeducan died after giving birth to Bhelen, which didn't help his older siblings feel any sort of sibling-y affection for him since they were too busy mourning and resenting Bhelen "killing her". As for the Queen herself, I've always pictured her to be very stern but slightly kinder and more patient than her husband. She would have still been just as obsessed with keeping up with her children's education as Endrin was, and had a passion for dwarven histories (something that she and Uli have deeply in common.) Nonetheless, the pressure she would have put on her children would have been very high.

Despite Uli and Trian having memories of her as small children, Bhelen still is the most like her in nature. Bhelen is all of his mother's calm and patience warped into a mask of his true brutality, which came as a result of being raised by Endrin. As a child, Uli saw her mother as a pillar of strength and beauty, and to this day still wants to emulate this idolized version she has of her mother in her head. She very much blamed Bhelen for her death and had to face the guilt and complexity of her emotions during her return to Orzammar during the events of Origins. Trian on the other hand was more of a loose cannon. Trian has always learned and thrived in action and wasn't interested in learning about anything that didn't concern the glory of the Aeducan house or learning the ways of a warrior. Trian admired his mother for her role as the dutiful wife of the king, but he has always craved the complete undivided attention of his father and would often try to abandon her lessons in favor of his.

Endrin as a father is a whole different story, as I imagined he completely relied upon his wife to be the moral and educational model for his children to follow up until he felt they were old enough to be taken under his wing for their more 'respective' roles. When his wife died and he was left with two small children and an infant, he panicked. Trian, Uli, and Bhelen were passed around from nursemaid to nursemaid and grew up without their father being an active parent in their lives. Endrin still very much loved them in his own right but was primarily concerned with making absolutely sure they would be successful heirs and ingrained in them to be absolutely ruthless and competitive.

Due to the insane pressure, these three kiddos were under and each of them suffering under the grief of their father emotionally abandoning them, they all fought for his attention one way or another. Trian desperately wanted to be the favorite child, but his temper got in the way of it and he was painted as unstable and cruel. Uli felt the need to rise above her own mother's status and mold herself completely to her father's wishes, all the while admiring and holding onto Trian as her role model which ended up damaging her reputation by association. (I could go into a whole other rant on Uli and Trian's relationship and how much she loved him and the cost of that but that's for another day lol). Bhelen stirred in resentment and rage for being cast out by his father and siblings for indirectly causing the death of his mother, a woman he has never known. He was arguably the most neglected child, which only made it easier for him to eventually betray his family. I do not know exactly how much would have been different if their mother had survived, but I doubt it would have been half as tragic as the story of the Aeducan family ended up being.

[imaginationfanstar]

Glimmer and Bow Need Therapy

A lot of people in this fandom talk about how Catra and Adora have a lot of trauma to work through but I’d like to elaborate on why I think some other characters have some serious baggage they need to deal with too.

Bow is a nervous wreck and stressed beyond belief. He’s always worried about everyone else and often puts their problems and issues before his own. This often leads to the unfortunate habit of bottling up his emotions (a lot like Adora tends to do), or at least his negative ones. His friends are also a hot mess, so he constantly has to deal with being the “responsible one”, or the mediator, or the “friendship guy”. For someone who’s really good at giving friendship advice and fixing other people’s problems, he doesn’t always practice what he preaches, not when it comes to his own well-being at least. He’s also not above lying, sneaking around, or omitting the truth, if he thinks it’ll protect others or spare their feelings even if it’s only a temporary solution. He also mildly struggles with needing to be needed or feeling helpless. It hurts when it feels like his friends can’t come to him for help because he wants to provide a safe place for them. He wants them to feel like they can open up to him, even though he struggles to do the same. When there’s tension in the group and he can’t seem to fix it (like in S4) he feels helpless, useless even. His friends also have a tendency to take him for granted or dismiss his advocacy for safety and caution leaving him to feel undervalued or underappreciated. He also has a bit of an inferiority complex considering he’s surrounded by powerful magical princesses and geniuses like Entrapta, Hordak, and his dads (and possibly his brothers) who he may never feel like he can measure up to. Lastly, he’s incredibly extraverted, which is why one of his biggest fears is inheriting his dads’ library; being left, all alone, in that big, empty building in the middle of the woods, for the rest of his life. Not to mention all the PTSD he (and everyone else) must have from all those near-death experiences and being a literal war veteran.

Glimmer as the show overtly states, deals with bouts of “crippling self-doubt mixed with overwhelming hubris”, i.e. her stubbornness and pride. An inferiority-superiority complex if you will. She also has a fuck ton of anger issues, grief, and trauma that she never quite learned how to or took the time to deal with properly. She often has trouble communicating how she’s feeling, especially when it’s negative, so it usually leads to nasty comments, aggressive actions, and forceful confrontations. She’s also a magical princess who was born in a time of war. From a young age she was given a lot of privilege, responsibility, and a great deal of expectations for her to meet. Her parents, one an immortal angelic queen and the other a powerful sorcerer and martyr of the Rebellion had cast these enormous shadows for her to live up to. All of that, in addition to the encroaching enemy that constantly threatened her loved ones’, her subjects’, and her plant’s safety, put her under a lot of pressure. That enemy would eventually take both her parents away from her leaving her an orphan. And in both instances she was helpless to do anything about it. She also had a lonely childhood. She’d only ever made a single friend in Bow, until she’d reached her late teens/early adulthood. Her mother was overprotective and, more often than not, would clip her wings rather than support and trust her. Along with unconventional powers and a disposition that never quite lived up to the standard of what a “typical” princess should be, this caused people to underestimate her. Therefore, she was left with the constant, often reckless, need to prove herself, so she could finally be taken seriously (a lot like Catra, in that regard). Not to mention the fact that she got kidnapped and held hostage, twice. She’s endured psychological manipulation, physical torture, and emotional isolation. She was thrust into a position of power and authority she was in no way ready for; Forced to fight her chipped father; And deal with the overwhelming guilt of how the worst decision she ever made (when backed into a corner) nearly doomed the planet and cost hundreds of people their homes, their freedom and even their lives!

So basically, nobody in the best friend squad, or even in the whole princess alliance is ok. They’ve each dealt with a lot, and I just think all of them deserve the chance to be happy and healthy. Which is why I think they all need some therapy.

Shout out to @tippenfunkaport, @baggebythesea, @foolforshera and more for their fantastic and insightful writing about my beloved spop characters. Especially, Glimmer and Bow.

[bookwyrminspiration]

Hello, yes! What are your overall thoughts on Grady, I do not care for the length, I just want to hear every single thought in that noggin of yours. I'm also curious as to what Grady was like before Sophie

-Heathen

Heathen! hello! unfortunately you cannot hear every single thought in my noggin as it is running at a constant speed of adhd and impossible to transcribe, but! I can give an overview!

(which I will put under the cut because space, but long story short I love him)

Grady is a rather endearing character to me, and I love him a lot. He's fun and he serves a loving purpose in the story. He's someone who went through tremendous grief and found the strength to heal from it and accept it and to be present for the rest of life, not just endure it. It is no small thing to loose a child. And he is here today, able to laugh and smile and love the second daughter he now has, to be a new but okay person. He's never going to be who he used to be, but the person he is now is okay with that.

I can also appreciate the comedy he brings to the story, both to the characters within the story when he wrestles dinosaurs and jokes about showing up to council meetings covered in feathers, and to us as the audience when he gets grumpy about Sophie's love life. He's a source of comfort within the story, a character that we see and go "everything will be okay and it's better now that you're here." And it's such a good fit! He's a dad and he's comforting and I love it so much, like yes you are as warm and open and concerned and supportive as you should be. You let the main character be the main character but you don't let her status stop you from being her dad.

But given that we see him enough because he's Sophie's new dad in this wild world she finds herself in, we also get to see some complexity of his own. His past and his connection to his daughters killing and his stubborn nature and the whole life he had before Sophie came into it. We know he responds to things with anger and that he dislikes the council and that he cannot compromise on his beliefs in the slightest. he doesn't care what people think of him and he hates capes and he calls Sophie kiddo. He wants his family to be safe, but he knows that sometimes they have to do unsafe things to bring about a future where they'll all be okay. So he's in, 100%, through to the end. I have no doubt he'd do everything for Sophie if he could, but since he can't he's going to love her as much as he can through it all.

And before he met Sophie!! Anger. There was a lot of anger we know, because Edaline told us she let him hold onto it to protect against the guilt. But if she found that out, then that means there were probably times when she tried to calm him down and he started turning his anger inwards, blaming himself. He may have come close to shattering even, possibly more than once depending on it they realized how close he got. I don't think he was really living. He was alive and he was there and he cared for the animals at the Sanctuary and he loved his wife, but there wasn't enough reason for him to get out of the funk.

I think they tried, at least a little. In book one Sophie overhears Grady telling Edaline that they'd agreed she wouldn't sleep in Jolie's bed anymore, which sounds like they realized things they were doing were making it worse for them and they tried to avoid them. And they tried to care for each other the best they could, but the two of them together weren't enough to pull them fully out. I think they would've gone around in circles with each other for the rest of eternity if they hadn't had another reason to push through. And that spark for them was Sophie, because suddenly there was another person in their lives they had to care for, and through that they came to care for her truly, and they wanted to be there for her the best they could be and that resulted in their own betterment.

then there's before before, when Jolie was still alive and they hadn't folded in on themselves. We don't know much about this, just that they were bright and happy and loved to throw parties. there parties were glamorous and extravagant and everyone would come and they'd socialize and they were well known! People in Mysterium recognized Edaline immediately after over a decade of never seeing her. I know elves don't really change and was mostly so Sophie would learn more about Edaline and her situation, but that's an impressive reputation!!

And back then they were just as loving and as supportive. They may have had hesitations with Jolie's marriage, but they came around and ultimately just wanted Jolie to be happy. From everything we see, I can only imagine them as blissful and content with every part of their lives.

I just!! I love Grady so much. He's sweet and caring and protective and stubborn and will not compromise on his beliefs. I always love it when he's on the page.

[nugnthopkns]

felt the lightning under my skin

word count: 13.7k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, cursing, little bit of asshole joel, alcohol consumption, slight innuendo, moderate depiction of injury, needles

recommended listening: under the spell | springtime carnivore

a/n: i know figure skater/hockey player romances are terribly cliche but i couldn’t help myself. as an ex-skater hopefully i can make it a little less cringe. there’s probably an obscene amount of technical jargon in here and i sincerely apologize. the injury mentioned actually happened to me and let me tell you, it was not fun lmao. enjoy!

Joel swears he’s going to kill whoever’s in charge of renting out the practice facility.

Realistically, he knows it’s impossible. The rink can be rented by anyone when the Flyers aren’t using it and he typically thinks it’s a great way to promote ice sports in the community. Joel just wishes the facilities manager didn’t rent it out to figure skaters. They kick the shit out of the ice with their toe picks and leave the ice in terrible quality. It frustrates Joel because while community engagement is important, his career and the team take precedence. 

No one else seems to be bothered by the recent decline in ice conditions. Most of his teammates are used to poor ice, growing up playing pond hockey and at rinks that also housed figure skating clubs. While Joel had those experiences as well, he clearly never developed the same nonchalance as everyone else. He complains in the dressing room after every practice until Kevin finally says something. 

“Christ Beezer, relax. It’s only for another month or so until renovations at the other rink finish.”

Others chime in, telling him to not take it so seriously, with a couple of them defending the right of the other athletes to use the ice as they so please. The grief Joel catches is enough to shut him up, but he still stews privately over the fact figure skaters are destroying his happy place. 

☼☼☼☼

You want nothing more than to return to your home rink. The Flyers Skate Zone has been nice, the staff are incredibly accommodating, but something feels off. You’re having a harder time landing jumps and skating clean programs. The change in routine is enough to knock you off your game, which is something you absolutely can’t have. You’re coming off a breakthrough season, finishing on the podium at nationals and landing a spot on your first world championships roster. People are expecting you to replicate your success and you want to do that and more. 

US Figure Skating had taken a chance placing you on the national team for the current season. Though it was expected, they could have easily chosen the fourth place skater instead. She’s much younger than you, barely fifteen, and is yet to have a serious injury. At twenty you’re barely an adult, but this could be the last time you get an opportunity like this. The sport keeps getting younger and you’re going to get left behind if you don’t prove yourself. The grand prix circuit has been kind to you, allowing you to earn medals at some of the smaller competitions and hold your own against the big dogs in the majors like NHK Trophy. 

☼☼☼☼

“Try the triple flip again,” Brenda, your coach, instructs. “You could be more solid on the landing.”

“It’s this fucking ice! I can do one at home that would get me a high GOE,” you complain. 

She rolls her eyes and thinks about telling you off, but decides against it. No matter how many times she tells you it’s a mental block you need to get over, you find a way to blame the training facility. “Just give me five solid ones and we’ll call it quits.”

It’s your turn to roll your eyes, but you peel away from the boards anyways. Some juniors are mingling in a corner and you warn them to watch out as you skate by gaining speed. The first attempt feels natural, and though you could have been a little stronger on the exit it’s a significant improvement from what you were doing earlier in the session. Jumps two and three also go well, but things go wrong on the fourth try. You catch a bad edge just before takeoff and aren’t able to correct your center of gravity while in the air. Two and a half rotations happen before you slam into the ground. The entire right side of your body feels like it’s been run over by a bus. 

“Fuck!” you scream in frustration as you pick yourself up off the ice. Circling back to examine just how bad the edge was you notice your pick created much too large a hole, something you’d get points deducted for in competition. Brenda signals you over to her, and you hang your head as you skate over. 

“You’re done,” she sighs. You can tell it pains her to see your progress plateau, but you’re doing everything you can to get out of this rut. Before you can protest, try to convince her to let you stay on, she’s speaking again. “Our ice time is up anyways. Go cool down and meet me in the conference room when you’re done.”

There’s nothing for you to do but sulk off the ice. The other skaters clear out of your way, not wanting to be on the receiving end of your anger. You direct it at the dressing room door, kicking it open so harshly it flies back on the hinges. It makes you feel a bit better but you’re still in a sour mood as you untie your skates. It’s frustrating not being able to perform at the level you know you can, even in practice. If you could just get out of this rink and back into the one you’re most comfortable at. 

After a much longer stretching routine than normal, you pack up your bag and head upstairs for what will no doubt be one of those meetings where you sit silently and take the heat. You realize that your behaviour today was childish, but you couldn’t help but let your emotions overcome you. The next group is well into their ice time when you pass by, and you realize it’s the Flyers. Most of them don’t acknowledge you and keep running drills, but one who looks about your age is sending you daggers. You have no idea why. 

The meeting goes much better than you thought it would. Brenda takes your anger in stride and lets you apologize for your outburst before shifting the conversation to altering your training plan. She suggests you take a few days off from the rink, working strictly off-ice, and you begrudgingly agree. There isn’t anything you can do or say to change her mind so you take the updated workout plans with a fake smile. She also tells you that your appointment with your sports psychologist has been moved up a couple of days, which you’re grateful for. Things then move to talking strategy and watching tape of competitors to see what to expect at this year’s nationals. The event is just over a month out, and you have the goal of landing on the podium once again, hopefully with the gold medal dangling around your neck. 

A couple of hours pass with you holed up in the conference room, and it’s dark when you gather your stuff and head for home. The complex is deserted and you assume no one but the staff are still here. It turns out someone else was there, and they follow you out, their own gear bag slung over their shoulder. You don’t really pay them any mind, holding the door open out of habit, and fail to recognize the person as the boy who glared while you walked by hours prior. He notices you, however, and makes a point to voice his distaste. 

“Hey!” he calls out, “Next time you eat shit don’t put such a big hole in the ice. Other people need it too.”

“Get fucked,” you yell back. You really don’t have the time or energy to be accosted by a hockey player. He continues to talk, but you don’t hear it because you slam your car door shut and drive off into the darkness. 

☼☼☼☼

Joel doesn’t feel like he was in the wrong until Claude suggests he apologize a few days later. In his mind, he has every right to be upset about you damaging the ice because it directly affected him. The hole you caused couldn’t be fully repaired, and he tripped at a really key moment during the scrimmage. His bad day was your fault. 

“You can’t blame a tough practice on her man,” Claude says as the two of them skate a few warm-up laps. “She didn’t mean to fall. Hell, she didn’t want to do it.”

“I get it, or whatever, but it’s still her fault. We’re professional athletes G, we need to be at the top of our games.”

Claude swats Joel upside the head. “So is she! Did you know that she’s favoured to win both the national and world championships? And that things look good for her to be on the Olympic team next year?”

Joel didn’t know, and guilt twinges his stomach. The next time he runs into you at the rink he’s going to apologize. 

☼☼☼☼

You spend your time away from the rink conditioning and regaining focus. The first couple of days are tough, but then you settle into a routine you believe will ultimately make you a better athlete and competitor. Your cardio and weights are upped, and you’re anxious to see how the increase improves your performance. At the suggestion of your psychologist you take a few more days off than originally planned, but it’s the best thing you could have done. You return to the rink ready to nail the final few weeks of training before nationals. 

Any other coach would have detested you for taking a week off this close to a major competition, but not Brenda. She understands that you needed time to refocus and that you’ll work harder than anyone else in the time until you leave for Salt Lake City. Your first practice is fantastic – every element is clean when isolated and within your programs. The timing is off a bit during your free skate on the first run-through but your jitters settle quickly and the next one is spot on. It feels good to be back in control of things. 

“I think you’re over that mental block kid,” Brenda laughs when you stop along the boards to get some water. “You’re skating better here than at home.”

You can’t help but agree. “You know, I don’t hate it here as much as I used to. Think we should move here permanently?” The comment earns you a slightly aggressive hair ruffling, but it’s worth it. You spend the last hour of ice time alone, running through both of your programs in a mock competition setting. 

It’s nearly silent in the complex when Joel sneaks through the doors. The only thing he can hear is the faint sounds of your music from inside the pad. He had been worried that you were never going to reappear at the rink but learned you were just taking a break when he cornered your coach in the parking lot. The middle-aged lady had told him when you’d be returning and Joel immediately put it in his calendar so he wouldn’t forget. Now, as he stands against the glass watching you, he’s nervous. What if you don’t accept his apology?

Joel knew you were a good skater. Well, he was pretty sure you were. He spent the short three-day road trip to Florida watching as many videos of you competing on YouTube as he could find. Though he’s murky on the specifics of what makes a good figure skater, Joel knows you put heart and soul into every performance and that your elements are strong technically. Your scores reflect that. Regardless, Joel is blown away at how talented you are when he watches you skate in person. 

You’re looser than in the videos he’s seen, probably because there isn’t any pressure, but you don’t give it any less than your all. The music drives you forward in a way Joel’s never seen before – you’re an extension of it, and it of you. As you round a corner to pick up speed he holds his breath. From watching footage of this program from earlier in the season, he knows you’re about to attempt your hardest element. The quadruple salchow is one of the hardest jumps female skaters are attempting at the moment, according to his research, and it’s been your most inconsistent element this season. You’re completing the jump before Joel realizes you’ve taken off the ground, but you don’t fall. He exhales and watches the rest of the program in awe. 

When the music stops and you take in your surroundings, you notice the applause. Thinking it’s just from Brenda, you shrug it off, but when you turn around she isn’t clapping. It’s coming from someone else – the boy who was a douchebag the last day before your break. The chances are he’s here to make another stupid comment, but Brenda insists you should talk to him. You wave him over to a section near the benches that dosen’t have glass so you can hear him better. 

“What do you want?” you ask bluntly, taking a sip of water. 

Joel’s taken aback by your abrasiveness but recovers quickly. He deserves it. “I, uh, wanted to apologize for what I said last week. That wasn’t cool. I was having a bad day and took out on you, I’m sorry,” he rambles. “And you’re like really good.”

“It wasn’t fucking cool,” you agree, “But we’re fine. I had just been kicked off the ice when you caught me, so I’m sorry too. For snapping.” There’s nothing more for either of you to say, and Brenda is calling your name, so you skate away from him. Over your shoulder you call out, “Thanks for the compliment unnamed Flyers player!”

“It’s Joel!” he responds. “Joel Farabee.”

☼☼☼☼

A sort of truce befalls you and Joel. More of your ice time overlaps, but neither you acknowledge each other more than the occasional nod in each other’s direction. It doesn’t bother you in the slightest. Preparing for nationals is the only that matters currently, and trying to navigate a possible friendship would be too much of a distraction. Joel is a little put off you don’t try to extend pleasantries, but when it’s explained to him that you’re entering a period that is similar to the lead-up to playoffs he understands. 

However, he finds himself making up excuses to stay at the rink to watch you practice. He blows off dinner with Kevin and drinks with Morgan when you have the slot after practice, and when you skate before him he’s at the rink hours early. His schoolboy crush becomes the topic of locker room gossip. Though Joel swears up and down that he just likes to watch you skate, none of the guys believe him. They don’t go as far as to embarrass him in your presence, but Travis certainly tries. What Joel doesn’t know is that you’re developing the same sort of fascination with him. You find yourself turning on every Flyers game you can fit into your schedule, watching him intently, and keeping an eye on his stats. 

“That boy sure has a lot of interest in you,” Brenda muses one day while you’re talking strategy on how to increase the points total on your short program. 

“I don’t know why,” you sigh. “So I was thinking, if I raise my arms during the triple lutz it should give me at least three more points.”

She looks at you like you’ve gained two extra heads. “Are you insane? You’ve never raised your arms during a triple.”

Your smile turns into a wicked smirk. “It can’t be that hard.”

It’s a lot harder than you thought it would be. Though you’ve added the extra step to jumps in the past, it’s been on single and doubles to rack up points and GOE scores. Jumping has never been your strong suit, and trying to navigate the change in your centre of gravity is difficult. You spend the rest of your ice time popping, under-rotating, or slamming into the ground. A couple of juniors snicker at your failed attempts, but when you remind them they’re stuck on a double loop they stop laughing. It was a little mean, and you remember how hard it was to prove yourself as a junior, but you can’t find it in you to care. There’s no need to laugh at someone trying to improve their skating. 

Bruises start to form on your sides from falling the exact same way so many times, and you trace them lightly through the thin material of your compression top. They’re going to look nasty in a few hours if you don’t ice them soon. A knock on the door stops your actions, and you invite the person on the other side in. To your surprise it’s Joel, and he’s holding an ice pack. 

“I thought you might need one of these,” he says, extending it to you. 

You thank him and hiss slightly when the cold hits your skin. There’s a beat of awkward silence before Joel speaks again. “Can I ask why you’re trying to change that jump?”

“You noticed that?” you know it isn’t a response to his question, but you’re shocked. 

Joel smiles and nods. You explain how changing the position of your arms increases the difficulty of the jump and therefore raises the amount of points it can receive. “So you’re doing it to get more points?”

“Pretty much. It’s a gamble this close to competition, but I’m confident it’ll work out.”

“You’re afraid your program won’t gain enough points to put you in a good position for the free skate,” he notes, “Or you wouldn’t be doing this.”

Once again, you’re floored by Joel’s understanding of your sport. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,” you say as confidently as you can. “But maybe I just want the challenge.” If Joel notices the shake in your voice and the worried look in your eye he doesn’t say anything. 

You go through your cool-down routine but are surprised Joel doesn’t leave. In fact, he stays at the rink until you’re finished and follows you to the parking lot. His car is parked a few spots over from you, so you have to raise your voice a little to get him to hear you. “Hey Joel,” you call, “Do you not have practice?”

“Day off,” he yells back. He’s grinning like an idiot, which prompts you to ask him why. “That’s the first time you’ve said my name.” The smile on his face doesn’t go away, and you try to settle the butterflies in your stomach as you drive home. 

☼☼☼☼

Something shifts between you and Joel after that day. It’s subtle, but you’re well on your way to becoming friends. Phone numbers are exchanged, with him insisting his contact name be ‘King Beezer’, and the two of you chat regularly outside of the rink. He still watches as many training sessions as he can, and you start making appearances at his practices. It’s far more awkward for you but you push through it if for no other reason than wanting to be a good sport. Once Joel’s teammates catch wind of your budding friendship, they’re pestering you to go to a game. You politely decline each time, explaining that your training schedule is rather rigid and you can’t change it so close to nationals. The competition is just over a week out, and you’re catching a flight to Utah in three days. 

Joel doesn’t let you know he’s a little upset you won’t shift your schedule for him. Instead, he brings you lunch on days where you’re at the rink for eight hours and does his individual workouts alongside you. The two of you fall into the easy routine of enjoying each other’s company and everyone else is beginning to take notice. 

“So,” you say with a mouth full of the pita Joel brought you, “What are your plans for the All-Star break?”

Joel has been toying with an idea for a few weeks now, but he’s keeping it a secret. “I’m just gonna spend it at home with my family,” he shrugs. 

“You’re fucking joking. Joel, you could be someplace warm enjoying the beach!”

“I don’t want to go to the beach,” Joel retorts. 

You open your mouth to argue with him, because you’re of the opinion that everyone should love the beach, but you’re cut off by Brenda calling you to return to the ice. “This conversation isn’t over Beezer,” you say sternly, poking him in the chest to prove your point. He rolls his eyes. 

“I’ve gotta be at Wells Fargo in an hour for a team meeting, so I can’t watch this session,” he tells you. You’re a little deflated but understand he can’t play hookie from his job to watch you do yours. Brenda is banging a skate guard on the boards to get your attention, so you wave goodbye and jog over to her. “Y/N,” Joel yells loud enough that you’ll hear him over the chatter on the ice, “Keep your core tight!”

Your coaching team is perplexed at the comment because it’s second nature to you at this point, but you think it’s sweet. Some of the other girls poke fun at your ‘boyfriend’ and it makes you irritable. Brenda tells them off and suggests they get back to work which makes you feel better. You keep Joel’s advice in the back of your mind for the rest of your practice, and land every jump almost flawlessly. 

The day before you board your flight you have a terrible practice. Brenda chalks it up to nerves, but you that’s not it. You feel good about the competition and are confident it will go well. Something is off – you just can’t put a finger on it. Frustration eventually boils over and practice is called early. Everyone stays out of your way, letting you cool off, and you huff out a goodbye after promising to meet Brenda at the airport in the morning. Before you’re even out the door you’ve got your phone pressed to your ear, waiting for Joel to pick up. The Flyers got to start their break a day early due to a scheduling conflict and you hope he doesn’t fly home tonight. 

“What’s up?” Joel says casually. Judging by the background noise he’s playing video games, no doubt some dumb first-person shooter game he seems to play constantly. The sound of his voice is enough to send you into tears and you can’t get out a reply. His tone changes instantly and the noise stops – the game paused and forgotten about. “Hey,” he soothes, “What’s wrong?”

“Practice was bad,” you choke out, “Like really bad. Joel, I don’t think I can do this.” Now across the parking lot and at your car, you throw your bag in the trunk and crumble into the driver’s seat. 

“Of course you can. Want me to bring dinner over and we can do whatever?” You agree, not wanting to be alone, and hang up only after insisting you’re okay to drive the twenty minutes to your apartment. 

Joel must have drove well above the speed limit because he pulls into the parking lot at the same time as you. His engine is turned off jarringly fast, and he’s popping your trunk to grab your bag before your gears have settled in park. Though you put up some rather weak protests about carrying your own stuff, Joel ignores them. When you insist on holding something he tosses you the bag of food he brought with him. Opening it up, you realize Joel had stopped at your favourite sushi restaurant even though he doesn’t like the food. A smile creeps onto your face, possibly the first one all day, and you lean into Joel slightly when he wraps an arm around your shoulder. 

The two of you eat in silence, but it’s far from awkward. Joel’s waiting for you to open up, knows you will eventually, and you’re trying to find the words. However, they’re yet to appear, so you let Joel lead you to the couch and put on an episode of some crime show he’s currently watching. 

“Thanks for coming over,” you say as the credits roll on the second episode. 

Joel sends a smile your way, which you do your best to reciprocate. “Don’t worry about it. This is what friends do.” 

Slowly, you open up about practice, venting about how you skated sloppily and couldn’t nail any element no matter how simple it was. You tell him about how tense your muscles are and how scared you are that your fifteen minutes of fame are over, that you’ll never get another chance to represent America on the world stage. Joel listens attentively, letting you speak for as long as you need. At some point you start crying again and he tucks you into his side. Your tears soak through his sweatshirt but he could care less. When you’ve laid all your emotions out on the table he speaks gently, dispelling your doubts and letting you know that you can do it and he believes in you. Joel’s words make it easier to believe in yourself. 

The two of you spend the night on the couch, and you’re disheartened when your alarm goes off. You can’t stay in the little bubble Joel created for the two of you – the world and its responsibilities taking precedence over your fantasy. He drives you to the airport, rationalizing it by telling you it’ll be safer to keep your car at home. Realistically there isn’t a difference, but you thank him anyways. Parking is just one last thing you have to worry about. When you reach the airport entrance, Joel pulls into the idling lane and steps out of the car. You follow him, dragging your feet a bit because though you’re excited for nationals you don’t want to leave Joel. This will be the longest time the two of you have been apart since becoming friends.

“Make sure you don’t forget about me when you win and get all famous,” Joel jokes, handing you your suitcase. 

You swat his shoulder playfully. “Like you’d let that happen.”

“Of course I wouldn’t. Come here.”

He takes you in his arms. You’ve hugged Joel a couple of times before, but they didn’t feel as serious as this. This time he’s holding you for a purpose and you’re gripping the back of his jacket tightly because you want him to let go. It’s longer than people who are just friends are meant to hug for, so you begrudgingly pull away. Besides, Brenda and some of your teammates are waiting. 

“Have a good time at home,” you mumble. 

Joel wraps a single arm around you for one more squeeze. “You have a good time,” he says seriously. “Remember to enjoy the moment. I’ll be watching on T.V.” 

With your goodbyes said you wander into the airport. Joel says parked in his spot until he sees you embrace Brenda before driving off. The boarding process is painless, and once on the plane you take your seat beside a junior and put your headphones on. Downloaded to your Spotify is one of Joel’s hip-hop playlists, and though it’s the farthest thing from the music you enjoy you listen to it the whole flight.

☼☼☼☼

Utah’s nice, but you can’t help feeling like something’s missing – Joel’s missing. You’ve become so accustomed to him watching you train, clapping like an idiot every time you land a jump, that the silence is unnerving. Everyone notices the shift in your performance, and eventually Brenda crumbles and uses your phone to facetime him while you practice. It’s a decent enough substitute – Joel watches your pixelated figure zip around the ice and though he doesn’t always make comments, just know he’s with you in some capacity is enough to let your mind focus on the task at hand. You do the best you can at pushing away the butterflies that appear every time you think about how he’s giving up his freedom to make sure you succeed. 

When you aren’t training or doing press you’re talking to Joel. You call him constantly, narrating what you see on walks around town to settle your nerves and eating at the same time to make it feel like you’re together. The only person to support you in Salt Lake City is Brenda, so talking to Joel frequently makes you feel far less alone. You wish he could be here with you, but understand he needs time to recharge and can’t just follow you around the country no matter how much you’d like him to. 

“What time do you skate tomorrow?” Joel asks, mouth full of the pizza he’s enjoying. The features behind are different, so you assume he’s settled into his childhood home. 

“Um, I think 11:35? I’m not entirely sure,” you respond. Due to the way the event is seeded you’re skating second last, which both settles your nerves and makes you more anxious. There isn’t the pressure of closing out the event, but there’s hope that you’ll score high enough to win the short program and skate last in the free skate. 

Joel hums pensively. “I’ll check the website.” Conversation shifts away from skating, which you’re grateful for. It’s the last thing you currently want to think about. You listen with interest as Joel recounts stories of the pond hockey matches he’s played since getting home. The two of you are on the phone until nearly ten, when you have to say goodnight and head to bed. Tomorrow marks the start of the biggest week of your year. 

You follow your pre-competition routine to the letter. At other events this season you’ve been more relaxed, but your professional skating career depends on your performance at nationals so you aren’t taking chances. Five-thirty comes faster than you thought it would, but you’re out of bed and eating your first breakfast quickly. A quick two mile run follows, and then you’re having a shower and grabbing a second breakfast to eat at the rink. You meet Brenda in the hotel lobby before ubering to the rink. A solid practice follows, and you manage to keep your imposter syndrome on a leash in the presence of the other skaters. 

“It’s Joel,” Brenda says as she tosses you your phone. 

“Hey,” you say, squeezing the device between your ear and shoulder. “I don’t have much time to talk. My warm up call is soon.”

Joel laughs and you find yourself cracking a smile at the sound. “I know. Just wanted to check in and see how you’re feeling.”

“Honestly? I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous for a competition.”

His response is cut off by a loud noise. “Where are you?” you ask. 

“Just at home,” he says quickly. “My sister has some friends over and they’re being loud.”

The line is compelling enough that you don’t question how hastily it was delivered. Joel stays on the phone until you have to go, keeping your mind off the jittery feeling in your stomach. The TV cameras catch you talking but you give them a cheery wave and continue telling Joel about how good the soap at your hotel smells. You hang up when they call your flight to take to the ice for warmup and give your phone back to Brenda for safe keeping. 

☼☼☼☼

Joel tries hard not to feel too out of place while he takes his seat. For someone who practically lives in arenas he feels like it’s his first time within fifty yards of one. Everyone around him is dressed nicely, and he’s acutely aware of the fact there is a neon orange pom-pom attached to the top of his hat. 

As much as he feels like a baby deer trying to stand, Joel’s beyond excited to be here. It’s been a while since he’s gone somewhere that wasn’t hockey related and getting to support you while he does it is the best scenario ever. There are some potential looks of recognition from those around him, but thankfully no one approaches. 

Skaters begin to take the ice and he scans vigilantly for you. You’re doing the best you can to stay warm, jacket zipped all the way up and gloves on your hands. Joel notices you seem to be the loosest of the girls below him but isn’t sure if that’s a good thing. You skate a few quick laps before warming up some jumps. Everything goes well, though he can tell you under-rotated a few of them and didn’t attempt the one quad in your program. The warm up is over as quickly as it began and you’re herded off the ice. Joel sinks a little further in his seat as gets ready to watch your competitors. 

☼☼☼☼

There’s just over five minutes until you take to the ice. You keep your body moving, walking up and down the corridor, and blast your pre-competition playlist so loud you’ll probably have hearing damage when you’re older. Only one other girl in the hall with you but it feels too small. Brenda comes to grab you and the pair of you walk to the side of the boards. You don’t watch who’s currently skating, choosing instead to focus on adjusting your feet slightly in your skates. 

“Go out there and put on a show,” Brenda says. “Fuck the judges.”

You laugh at her remark. “Okay Bren, when I lose points for flipping them off I’m blaming you.”

“Fine by me. I have a bone to pick with Mark Johnson anyways.”

The scores for the previous girl are being announced, so you peel your jacket from your frame and do a couple more laps. Right before your name is announced you press your forehead to Brenda’s. It’s a ritual you started back when you were barely as tall as the boards and you’ve done it every single competition since. You feel grounded looking in her eyes, and you break with a fist bump. It’s go time. 

Every inch of your skin feels like it’s on fire. You didn’t come to play, and leave everything on the ice. The skate isn’t completely clean, you stumbled on the landing of a triple axel, but you’re happy with it. Despite your fears, both the triple lutz and quad salchow go smoothly. Audience engagement was at an all time high and you finished to deafening applause. Brenda wraps you in a tight hug when you step off the ice before leading you over to the kiss and cry. You chat idly with her and your choreographer, trying to catch your breath, while you wait for your score. 

The announcer’s booming voice crackles over the PA as he reads the judges’ decision. “The scores for Y/N Y/L/N please.” You don’t pay attention to the individual numbers, just the final total. “For a total score of 74.83.”

It’s lower than you had hoped for. Not by much, just two or three points, but it could mean all the difference in tomorrow’s skate. Brenda pats your leg sympathetically and whispers in your, “It’s alright. You skated well.”

You head back to the dressing room to watch the final skater on the small T.V in the corner while you get undressed. She’s phenomenal, and you end the day falling to third place. Joel’s hip-hop playlist blasts through your headphones as you do your cool down routine. The average tempo is upbeat and helps to take your mind off the fact you’re not where you want to be. Just as you’re about to exit the room and find Brenda to talk strategy there’s a knock on the door. 

“Yeah?” you say dejectedly, the word coming out as more of a sigh than you had intended. 

The door is cracked open, and the head of your best friend peaks out from around it. “Hey there rockstar,” Joel says softly, stepping further into the room. Once you comprehend that he’s really here you’re sprinting in his direction, jumping into his embrace. Joel’s laugh reverberates in his chest, and you feel it as you settle further into him. 

“Why are you here?” you whisper. Though you’re elated Joel is here, you’re confused as to why he would want to spend his break in Utah. 

He lets you down gently and shrugs. “I had to see if you’d land the quad.” Joel’s smile matches yours as you shake your head. 

“You’re fucking insane,” you quip, but there’s no malice in your voice.

Before you can pester Joel into answering all your questions you’re whisked away to a press conference. Talking to the media is something you don’t particularly enjoy, and it’s even more difficult to stay present when you know you could be spending time with your best friend. Most of the questions are directed towards the girls who placed higher than you which you’re thankful for. It’s easier for you to zone out, and you root through your mind of places around the city to take Joel. 

“Y/N, how tough will it be for you to better your scores in tomorrow’s free skate?”

The question is one that you expected, luckily, and you’re able to recite the response you worked out with Brenda without really engaging with the reporter. “I mean I obviously didn’t aim to be in third place heading into tomorrow,” you joke, “But I’m fairly happy with where I ended up. The other girls had fantastic skates and deserve to be above me. My plan for tomorrow is to leave everything on the ice, skate cleanly, and be proud of myself regardless of what happens.”

Pens scribble furiously by those that don’t have recording devices to get your words down on paper. There’s some chatter, questions for the other girls, before a young reporter fresh out of journalism school is allowed to speak. He identifies himself as Theo Rateliff before jumping in. “Y/N,” he says, “How excited are you to get back to training on home ice when you get back to Jersey?”

“Um, I didn’t know the renovations were finished,” you stammer. “As far as I know, I’ll be at Flyers SkateZone until the end of the season.”

Theo shakes his head. “My partner was informed this morning that the rink will be good to go by the time you get back.”

You turn to the side to look at Brenda, who just shrugs. “Well, to be quite honest I’ll miss being in Voorhees. I had fun skating there and feel like the rink prepared me well for this competition.”

“Obviously not well enough,” Theo retorts, not missing a beat. “Your odds of winning dropped by seventy-seven percent.”

“Thank you for the reminder Theo,” you snap. “Are we done here?”

The press-coordinator shakes their head in confirmation, and you rip the microphone off your jacket before stomping off. People clear a path for you, not wanting to get caught in your storm. You run right to Joel who lets you direct him out of the arena and into the uber he called while you were wrapping up. 

It’s a silent ride, Joel knowing you aren’t in the mood for light conversation. He lets you take a ridiculously long shower and orders take out that arrives just as you step out of the bathroom. 

“Where are you staying?” you ask as you detangle your hair. 

“Nowhere yet,” Joel says, “I got in early this morning and went straight to the rink.”

You think carefully about your next words before you speak. Your competition routines can be excessive and annoying, and you don’t want to inconvenience him. “You could just stay here. The room is massive and there’s more than enough space for both of us in the bed.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you say, voice taking a soft lilt. “I’d really like it if you stayed.”

Joel smiles wider than you’ve ever seen him do before. The two of you sit comfortably in bed, eating the burritos Joel got and going down a conspiracy theory youtube wormhole. He asks how you feel about him coming to watch your evening training session you have to leave for in twenty minutes. You tell him you’d be angry if he didn’t stand beside your coach and clap every time you landed a jump. 

It’s chilly but the sun is shining bright so you decide to bundle up and walk to the rink. Joel pokes fun at you beanie and you swat him in the chest, shutting him up for the time being after his giggles subside. The view is gorgeous, mountains framing the setting sun. You squeeze Joel’s bicep to get his attention and relish the feeling of his muscle in your grip. 

“Look! An owl!”

Sure enough, a barn owl is flying over top of you, in the middle of downtown Salt Lake City. “That’s my good luck charm. Means I’ll skate well tomorrow.”

Joel pokes your cheek lightly. “I thought I was your good luck charm,” he gasps. 

You roll your eyes. “I guess you can be my secondary one.” Joel doesn’t seem to mind the fact your arms are still wrapped around his, so you stay that way until for the rest of the journey. 

☼☼☼☼

The night goes according to plan. You skate well in practice and feel comfortable for tomorrow’s event. Joel executes his role perfectly, cheering when you do things well and squirting water at you to make you squeal in laughter when things get a little too serious. Once back at the hotel you collapse into bed almost immediately. You’re so exhausted you can’t even be bothered to climb under the covers, and wait until Joel pulls them back for himself to crawl in. There’s no awkwardness at sharing a bed with Joel, and you sigh contently as he pulls you into his side. Sleep comes easily then for the both of you. 

You wake before both your alarm and Joel. It takes you a second to get your bearing and realize you’re pinned against his body, though you don’t mind. There’s worse places to be stuck. You lay curled into Joel for as long as you can, but eventually you have to shake him awake. 

“Beezer,” you whisper, ruffling his hair, “You’ve gotta let me out.”

He groans something unintelligible but instead of heeding your words pulls you closer. “Joel come on,” you try again, “I’ve really gotta get up. Need to shower before I get to the rink.”

Joel listens this time, but only lets you go after squeezing you tight for a second. You go about your routine with him still passed out in bed and giggle at the way his hair curls around his ears when you pass by. As you’re leaving to get to your practice ice slot Joel wakes up, lumbering into the bathroom. He reappears a minute or two later to say goodbye. 

“Will I see you after practice?” he asks, voice still gruff with sleep. 

“Probably not,” you reply, leaning down to tie your shoes. “I won’t be coming back here until after everything is done.”

Joel nods and wraps you in a warm hug. “You’re going to do great,” he says as he pulls away. “I’ll be there, cheering so fucking loud.”

“I expect you to throw a teddy bear on the ice after I finish.”

The walk to the arena is lonely without Joel, but you push the thought out of your mind. You need to stay focused on putting on the skate of your life in a few hours and not on how lately you’ve been having more-than-friendly thoughts about your best friend. Brenda is there when you arrive, making conversation about what you did last night with Joel before explaining how you’re going to run your practice.

Your hour of semi-private ice passes in the blink of an eye. The other girls in your flight are just as tense as you, popping jumps and doing a lot of stroking to loosen up. A lot is riding on today’s event and you’d be lying if you weren’t feeling the pressure. When you get back to the dressing room and check your phone, you notice there’s a text from Joel. 

Don’t want to disrupt your pre-comp routine, but I thought I’d share a playlist. It’s songs that remind me of you. 

Included is a link to a spotify playlist entitled ‘my golden girl’. You open it with a smile, noticing that it starts with some of your favourite songs even though they aren’t the kind of thing Joel regularly listens to before turning into things you’ve never heard before. 

Thanks <3, you respond, going to listen to it during my off-ice. 

That’s exactly what you do. It filters through your headphones for hours as you stretch, do a quick interview for those watching on television, and get dressed. Though it’s a break from your typical routine, it’s welcome. Knowing Joel thought about you enough to make you a playlist and send it to you helps calm your nerves. 

“Hey kiddo,” Brenda says as she walks to where you’ve taken up root on the floor. Your left hamstring is tight, and you’re trying desperately to fix it before you have to go on the ice. “Go out there and absolutely kill it. This is your best program, and I haven’t seen anyone skate better than what you can do today.”

“Gee thanks for the confidence booster Bren,” you chuckle before hoisting yourself onto the bench to tie your skates. 

She doesn’t laugh. “I mean it Y/N. You can still win this thing.”

You’re left alone to finish getting ready and then join the other girls in the tunnel. No one talks, which you’re grateful for. When you were younger and coming up through the ranks the other competitors liked to gossip while they waited and it was your least favourite part of an entire competition. A camera man waits at the end of the walkway, filming your arrival to the ice pad, and you wave cheerily as you pass by. It can never hurt to endear yourself to those watching at home – maybe they’ll be nicer to you on the internet. 

Joel is standing at the edge of the boards during your warmup, watching and cheering intently. In a moment of insane confidence you blow him a kiss as you skate past, and giggle hysterically when he catches it and holds it close to his chest. You’re called off the ice then and spend the time really getting into the zone. 

It’s considered bad luck to watch the performances before your own, so you face the wall as you do jog lightly to keep your body temperature up and the adrenaline flowing. Much sooner than you’d like it’s your turn to take your guards and jacket off. Brenda holds your skating hands as she whispers last minute words of encouragement, and you stumble through the traditional handshake before presenting yourself to the crowd. 

Once the music starts your brain checks out and instinct takes over. You learned when you were younger that your best skates happened when you just allowed yourself to feel, and you desperately need the skate of a lifetime. Going into the first jumping pass you can feel yourself tense up so you think about Joel’s smile while you guys sat by the lake last night. It works to loosen you up, and you spend the rest of the program thinking of your favourite moments with Joel. As you strike your final pose the music fades out and the roars of applause cascade in. You know you had a flawless performance, beaming as you fist pump the air in the same manner you chirp Joel for doing while he celebrates goals. 

You bow to the crowd in all directions, waving and laughing as flowers and teddy bears fall onto the ice in front of you. An orange blob of fur catches your eye, and you skate to pick it up before one of the volunteers could put it in the bag that will join your garment bag in the dressing room. You know Joel is the one who threw the Gritty toy – no one else really knows of your affiliations with the team. As you sit in the kiss and cry awaiting your results, you examine the stuffed animal. Instead of the regular Gritty jersey Joel replaced it with his own, the number flashing vividly at you and pulling a smile from your nervous features. 

Brenda keeps her hand clasped tightly in yours as the PA system crackles to life. “And the scores for Y/N Y/L/N are,” the announcer begins, and your knee begins bouncing rapidly. “The free skate score is 155.79, for a total score of 230.62.”

You jump up in amazement. Despite your slow start to the competition you managed to get a season’s best. You’re also five points ahead of the second place skater, guaranteeing you a place on the podium and depending on the final results, a spot at worlds. A volunteer ushers you out of the kiss and cry and you skip all the way down the tunnel. To get out some of the adrenaline you jog the corridor a few times before returning to Brenda. 

“Come on,” she laughs, “Joel’s waiting at the edge of the public area. We can watch the final skate together.”

At the mention of Joel you’re jogging again, wanting to see him as fast as possible. “Beezer!” you shriek as you approach, launching into the elaborate handshake the two of you have perfected at this point. 

“Hey golden girl,” he chuckles, returning your actions with just as much enthusiasm. “You looked fucking great out there. I see you got my gift.”

The Gritty doll is still in your hands but there’s no shame. Instead, you tuck it under your arm and rest your head against Joel’s shoulder to watch the final skater. The girl after you had fallen a number of times, dropping her total significantly and landing her in fifth place. Victory is so close you can almost taste it.

 It’s the longest six minutes of your life. Watching her skate increases your anxiety – she’s good, has almost as great a skate as you, but she under-rotated a jump and rushed through her program so there was extra music at the end. The clock above your head rings throughout the silent corridor as everyone awaits the scores with baited breath. In under a minute you’ll know whether you’re returning to New Jersey with a gold or silver medal in your suitcase. 

You don’t hear anything as they announce her score – just see the numbers flash of the small T.V screen and calculate that it’s not enough for her to beat you. After years of blood, sweat, and an immeasurable amount of tears you’ve crossed another goal off your list. Those around you are jumping and screaming, Brenda letting a few tears escape. All you can think about is Joel, who’s celebrating like he just scored the game winning goal in the Stanley Cup finals, and how much you love him. 

Without thinking, you smash your lips against Joel’s. It’s adrenaline filled and mostly teeth until he wraps one hand around your waist and the places the other along your jaw. Then it becomes purposeful, both of you moving in tandem and never wanting it to stop. When Joel pulls away and rests his forehead against yours you can’t stop smiling. The kiss might have happened in the heat of the moment, but you know it’s the culmination of feelings building inside of you for months. 

“You’re a national champion,” Joel says, pulling you flush against his chest in the biggest hug you’ve ever received. 

“I’m your national champion,” you whisper. 

He pulls back and grins, kissing you again. “You’re my national champion. My golden girl.”

The rest of your stay in Salt Lake City is a blur. You’re swept up in the numerous press events, galas, and enjoying your blossoming relationship with Joel. When you finally got back to the hotel after what seemed like hours of people complimenting your comeback, the two of you sat down and talked about the kiss and what you wanted to happen next. It was scary, being so vulnerable, but it needed to happen – you’re both adults and communication is important. So, you’re returning home with a gold medal and boyfriend, two things you’re ecstatic about. 

☼☼☼☼

“J, it’s not straight,” you giggle. Joel’s trying, and failing miserably, to hang the shadow box with your nationals medal in it above your couch. It’s been almost a month since you returned home but you’ve been so busy that decorating the apartment you barely spend time in has been at the bottom of your to-do list. 

He grunts out a response. “Fuck. Do I have to go left or right?”

“Left.” The picture shifts in the opposite direction. “The other left Joel!”

A few minutes later the decoration is sitting perfectly in place. Your child of a boyfriend insists on getting rewarded for his achievement, so the two of you bundle up and get dinner. It’s nothing fancy – just sandwiches from the deli down the street from your apartment, but spending time with him is nice. Joel’s been on a string of short road trips and you’ve been training anxiously, waiting for the organization to announce who they’re sending to the world championship. 

“How’s practice been lately?” Joel asks, mouth full with a bite of his BLT. “I miss being able to watch you skate whenever I want.”

After returning from Utah you were shuttled immediately into the freshly renovated rink of your skating club. It’s a little farther into Jersey and certainly not as convenient for him to get to, especially now that the NHL season is picking up and the Flyers are clinging desperately to the final playoff spot. “It’s been interesting,” you shrug, “I’m skating well, and physically I feel great. There’s a mental block or something though because everything feels a little bit off.”

The smile that graces Joel’s face can only be described as shit-eating. “Duh, I’m not there.”

“Fuck off.” Though you try to make the words come out in a serious tone, there’s no malice in them. 

Conversation flips to some ridiculous story Travis told at practice that morning, and you giggle as Joel recounts it with failing arms. You tell a few stories of your own, that leave him in stitches, and as you walk home hand in hand he asks you again to come to a game. With your schedule a little more flexible as you wait for a decision about the upcoming competition stint it will be much easier to see Joel play. You say yes with a shy smile and don’t miss the way the boy beside you blushes under the streetlights. 

Joel stays over, and the next two nights after that. It’s nice, falling into a relationship with your best friend, because there’s no awkwardness. You know what kind of cereal to keep in your pantry and he knows you don’t eat meat on Mondays. Everything is easy. There are a fews in the road, as can be expected with any budding relationship, but for the most part your lives fit seamlessly together.  

After some meticulous planning, you found a home game on the Flyers schedule that will coincide with yours. It’s a Friday night near the end of February, and it’s actually the last day US Figure Skating can announce their assignments for worlds. You figure watching your boyfriend is the perfect way to distract yourself from the decision, whether or not you make the team. Joel’s ecstatic about your attendance, wanting you to be immersed in as many aspects of his life as possible. The entire day he’s bouncing around your apartment, beyond ready for puck drop. 

“It’s literally three in the afternoon,” you grumble as Joel corrals you into the hall to put your shoes on. “You never leave this early! Why do we have to do it today?” In an attempt to save gas and lower your carbon footprint you’re carpooling with Joel.

“Because being in this house is making you more anxious,” he points out. “I’ve caught you staring into the distance one too many times today. Besides, this way you can meet up with some of the other girls and relax before the game.” 

Joel’s right, as he so often is. Your agent hasn’t called to let you know if you made the team or not, nor has US Figure Skating made an announcement on social media. So you’ve spent the entire day pacing back and forth around your living room and fretting that perhaps the best performance of your season wasn’t good enough. He twirls his car keys around his index finger in an attempt to speed you along and you roll your eyes at his impatience. 

After ensuring your home is safely secured you hit the road. The drive into Philadelphia is easy, with little traffic, and you spend it laughing at Joel’s ridiculous freestyle raps. It doesn’t surprise you that the staff lot at the Wells Fargo Centre is sparsely populated – most of the guys don’t show up until around five, Joel included. However, a group of women are standing near the entrance. While this isn’t the first time you’ve met significant others of your boyfriend’s teammates, it’s the first time Joel won’t be around. 

“It’ll be alright,” he whispers as the car settles into park. You offer a small smile that mustn't have been convincing because Joel lifts the hand that’s intertwined with his to his lips, pressing a delicate kiss to the knuckles. The smile becomes genuine and you tease him the entire walk to the door. 

Joel greets the other girls before setting his bag down on the concrete and wrapping you in a hug. “Have fun,” you say softly against his lips, landing a short kiss. He winks and opens the door, disappearing inside and leaving you in a fit of giggles. 

There was no reason for you to be nervous – everyone is incredibly kind. You seem to be the youngest in the group, but the other girls pay no mind and treat you as one of their own. There’s a small amount of confusion when your phone chimes with a notification, a few glances of possible distaste, but as soon you explain you’re waiting on a very important call they understand. Dinner is wonderful, filled with sincere questions about your skating career and how you got together with Joel. By the time you get back to the arena for the game it feels as though you’ve been a part of the group for years. 

You spend the game in the family and friends box, sipping a glass of wine and following Joel around the ice. Practice is early in the morning and you want to be productive, so you’re relaxed in your alcohol consumption compared to some of the others. One of the older girls, though you can’t remember what player is her significant other, recently got engaged and is celebrating with as many drinks as those around her will allow. It’s fun to experience a hockey game in this way, but you’re a little on edge. You haven’t anything about worlds assignments all day and the organization doesn’t typically leave the announcement to this late in the evening. There’s seven minutes left in the game when your phone rings. You quickly excuse yourself from the group and step into the hall. 

“Hello?”

“Y/N,” the chipper voice of your agent Megan says, “How are you?”

A nervous laughter tumbles from your lips. “I think that depends on what you’re about to tell me.”

“I imagined you’d say something along those lines,” she responds. “You’ve always been quite witty.” Before you ask her to just get to the point of the phone call, Megan speaks. “I have some good news and some bad news for you. You’re going to the World Championships, but you aren’t leading the team like we hoped.”

It’s not as bad as she made it sound. A breath you didn’t know you were holding escapes, and you try your best to remain professional in the hallway of the arena. “Honestly,” you sigh, “I think that’s better. There’s going to be a lot less pressure for me to bring home three Olympic spots. Thanks for letting me know Meg.” She hangs up then, no doubt having to tell another girl she didn’t make the cut. 

When you slip back through the door, you find all eyes on you. “What was that about?” 

“I made the roster for worlds.”

Earth-shattering applause erupts from everyone in the room, and no one pays attention to what happens on the ice for the remainder of the game. The congratulations continue until you’re waiting outside the dressing room for Joel to exit. He had a good game, featuring two assists and a blocked shot, and smiles lazily when he sees you leaning against the brick wall. 

“This is something I could get used to,” he chuckles, pulling you into him by the belt loops of your jeans. The two of you kiss for a moment, letting it stay chaste in fear of getting chirped by teammates.

“Well,” you sigh dramatically, drawing out the suspense of what you’re about to say, “You’re going to have to wait a bit longer for it to become a regular occurrence. My training schedule just increased exponentially.”

Joel sits on your words for a moment before it registers. “No fucking way!” he shouts, picking you up by the waist as the two you are a pairs team. “You got the spot?” 

Having Joel be so excited about the accomplishment makes it seem that much more real. Tears well in your eyes and you shake your head up and down to signal he’s correct. Joel presses his lips to yours once again, this time not caring about any insults his friends could throw at him. The kiss makes you feel loved, fully and completely, and you hope you’re conveying the same amount of emotion he is. 

“That’s my girl.”

☼☼☼☼

“Oh my fucking god,” you grumble, picking yourself off the ice for what feels like the hundredth time in the past five minutes. There’s two weeks until you leave for Milan and it looks like you’ve never skated before. Jumps are being under-rotated, spins aren’t being entered properly, and your footwork sequence is abysmal. Nothing about the way you’re performing would let a newcomer know you’re a world class athlete. 

Brenda gives you a sympathetic smile. “Just try again kiddo.”

You do try again – fifteen more times to be exact. Each attempt at a triple axel getting farther and farther from what it should be. Before you get even more frustrated you abandon the element altogether, hoping to avoid a complete meltdown. No one questions it when you shift disciplines completely and move about the ice completing a simple foxtrot pattern. Ice dance has always been a great de-stresser for you, and after a few passes you feel your heart rate return to normal. At some point during your break Joel had entered the rink and is now standing beside your coach, making pleasant conversation. You smile as you skate towards them, ecstatic that the two most important parts of your life blend seamlessly. 

“Farabee!” you shout when you get close enough for him to hear you. At the sound of your voice Joel smiles, turning to pick up your water bottle and toss it in your direction. 

“I’m wounded babe,” he feigns pain as you take a drink, “I really thought that we were on at least a first name basis.”

You roll your eyes at his dramatics and playfully squirt water at him. “I’ll call you whatever I want. What brings you this far into Jersey?”

“Thought I’d see if you wanted to grab lunch after you were done. We’ve got a late practice today,” he explains. “Whatever you want, eh? Does that mean I say whatever I want? Because I think you’re looking particularly good in those leggings.tum” You don’t miss the suggestive tone to his voice, but choose to ignore it.

Joel watches the rest of your practice from his spot at the boards and lays himself across the dressing room bench as you complete a quick cool down routine. You have a meeting with your massage therapist in the afternoon, so you follow Joel to the restaurant he chose. It’s a small vegan place that you sometimes stop at on your way home from the rink. They have the best burrito bowls you’ve ever tasted and since you’ve gotten together Joel has become rather fond of them as well. 

The two of you sit outside on the curb. New Jersey is uncharacteristically warm for March and you want to enjoy the sunshine as much as possible. The rest of the day will be spent in dark rooms receiving physical therapy and trying to ease your tired muscles. There isn’t much conversation, but you’re more than content just to be with Joel. Life moves incredibly fast and your schedules don’t always line up nicely. It’s difficult to spend time with him, especially when you’re weeks out from a major competition, but small moments like this keep you from missing your boyfriend too much. 

“Have I asked you to take me to the airport yet? I can’t remember,” you admit as you finish the last bite of your meal. 

Joel laughs at your lapse in memory, knowing he gets the same way when high stakes games roll around. “No, but you would like me to?”

“Do you mind?” you ask, “That way I don’t have to leave my car at the airport for a week and a half. But if you can't, don't worry about it, I’ll grab an uber.”

“Babe, the uber will be like fifty bucks. I’ll take you. What time do you have to be there?”

You give him a much too detailed itinerary of your departure plans and listen to him talk about the drills they’re going to run at practice. Time passes much quicker than you would have liked, and soon you’re kissing him goodbye and watching him wave from your rearview mirror. 

It’s almost a week later when you see Joel again, showing up at a Flyers practice for the first time since training moved back to your home rink. You’ve been instructed to have a rest day, the team wanting to push you too hard before taking off. The arena attendants know you well at this point, and chat with you as you sit on a bench away from the media. You know better than you alert them of your presence – some of them no doubt wanting a comment from you about worlds. Joel has no idea you’re even there until long after practice, when he sees you leaning casually against the driver’s side door of your car, conveniently parked next to his.

“Hey all-star,” you say as casually as possible, twirling your keys around your index finger. 

He leans down to kiss you sweetly, and though you probably shouldn’t in a parking lot, you push your body closer to his in an attempt to deepen the kiss. Joel obliges you, tongue gently slipping into your mouth, staying there until you both hear the shouts of his teammates. 

“Fuck off,” he yells at Kevin, who’s hollering so loud people can probably hear him all the way back in Philadelphia. “What are you doing here?”

“I have a day off,” you smile, and I thought I’d come see if I could hitch a ride to your place.” You had originally planned to attend the game in person, but a rough day of training yesterday had you too sore to do much other than lie on the couch. 

“The chariot awaits m’lady,” he says in a terrible British accent, bowing for good measure as he opens the door. Your car will be fine in the parking lot overnight, so you slip in and enjoy the journey into the city. 

Joel’s pre-game routine changes only slightly with you in his apartment – instead of napping alone, you curl into his chest and snore softly, lulling him into one of the most peaceful sleeps he’s ever had. You tie his tie for him and riffle his hair before kissing him good luck. Being alone in Joel’s apartment isn’t as strange as you thought it would be, and you familiarize yourself with his kitchen while you make dinner. The pre-game show plays quietly in the background, and when they mention how well Joel is playing you can’t help but smile. 

It’s much more comfortable to watch the game in your boyfriend’s hoodie and pyjama pants on the couch than it would be to sit in the stiff arena seats. Time passes at a pretty leisurely pace, with nothing too exciting going on within the game, and sometime in the third period you fall asleep. The rest of the game and all the media appearances pass you by. Joel figures you must be sleeping when he doesn’t get a congratulatory text when Claude pulls off a buzzer beater to win. His suspensions are confirmed when he slips through his front door to see you drooling slightly on the throw pillow his mom bought him as a housewarming gift. 

You don’t remember climbing into bed, but you wake up with Joel’s socked feet pressed against your calves. He stirs behind you and mummers something unintelligible. 

“What was that sleepyhead?” you giggle, turning around to run a hand through his hair. It’s rather unruly at the moment and you find it adorable. 

“Good morning,” he repeats. 

“That’s what that was?”

“Leave me alone.”

The two of you lay in bed for a few more minutes before starting the day. You navigate around Joel flawlessly – like you’re there every morning. Breakfast is quick and you’re out the door before you have a chance to cherish the domesticity of it all. You have a pretty intense day of training and Joel has to be at the airport in two hours for a trip to Toronto. He drops you off in Voorhees, kissing you gently before making his way back into the city. You hate to see him go, wishing you could spend more time together before you head to worlds, but you know you’re both adults with real-world responsibilities. 

For the first time in the final push you have a practice that is up to standard. Things click into place and you feel good. Really good. Each time you skate a program it’s clean, and the elements don’t feel weak when completed individually. Maybe you’ll actually be able to pull this off. 

☼☼☼☼

Italy is beautiful, but you don’t get much time to enjoy it. A scheduling mishap has team USA leaving two days later than you were supposed to and now you’re all scrambling to find a groove. Every moment is being spent preparing for the competition – off ice training, multiple practices a day, press conferences. When you get a moment to spare you call Joel, but oftentimes he’s at practice or fulfilling other obligations. The time difference is brutal and souring your mood. You feel alone, and just wish Joel could be by your side like he was at nationals. 

As soon as you step on the ice something feels wrong. You run through a mental checklist and assure that nothing is – your skates feel they way they should and you didn’t forget any gear. It must be nerves. The competition officially starts tomorrow and you’re eager to cheer on the pairs teams America has brought. You do your best to skate it out, and by the time you’re allowed to have the ice to yourself you can almost convince yourself everything will be fine. 

The music starts and you snap into character. Your short program music is punchy and so are you – all sass and sharp angles as you navigate the opening step sequence. A lump forms in your throat as you set up the first first jumping pass, but you push it down. You’ve done a thousand triple lutz-triple toe-loop combinations and could execute it flawlessly in your sleep. 

Everything happens so fast. One second you’re rotating through the air and the next you’re sprawled across the ice. Nothing feels off until you try to pick yourself up. When you can’t move your left leg you look to see what the issue is and find your kneecap where it most certainly should not be. It’s rotated nearly one hundred and eighty degrees, now residing in the back instead of the front. 

“Help me!” you scream, mostly out of shock. There’s no pain which surprises you, but you know it definitely should hurt. Everyone around the ice surface is frozen in place, not knowing what happened or what to do, and you continue to sob helplessly. 

Someone sprints to get the onsite emergency responders and Brenda runs to you as fast as her dress shoes will allow. “Don’t look at it honey,” she soothes. “It’s just going to make things worse.”

“It should hurt,” you croak out through the tears, “Why doesn’t it hurt?”

“You’ve got so much adrenaline pumping through your veins you can’t feel anything,” the EMT explains in flawless English. “Can we take your skates off?”

You nod, and the right skate comes off breezily. Brenda unlaces your left skate and the medical team works to pry the boot from your foot. A sharp pain shoots up your leg and you wail in agony. “Shh, it’s okay,” your coach coos, “The skate is going to stay on until we get to the hospital.”

The ride to the hospital feels like time is moving through sludge. The paramedics keep an eye on your blood pressure and do their best to keep you calm. Brenda is typing furiously on her phone, and you ask what she’s doing as the vehicle pulls into the ambulance bay. 

“The ISU rep told me to keep him updated,” she explains. “And I’m trying to vote on which alternate is going to take your place.”

You knew that was going to happen, you couldn’t possibly skate, but it makes you unbelievably sad. All your hard work is going to amount to nothing. No one cares about national champions who don’t place at worlds, and the injury is going to sideline you in next year’s olympic race. The emergency room has a bed ready for you, and the doctor arrives as you’re being transferred into it. 

“Miss Y/L/N, I’m Dr. Morelli. We’re going to put your patella back into place. It’s going to be incredibly painful, so we’re to sedate you. Is that okay?”

“Yes,” you say as strongly as you can, though it comes out feeble and hoarse. 

A nurse inserts an IV into your arm and smiles at you. They have you count backwards from ten, and by the time you get to eight you’re asleep. There’s a brief moment of panic when you wake up as you forgot where you are. “You’re awake,” Brenda speaks softly from the bedside. “How are you feeling?”

“Like shit,” you admit. “It hurts so fucking bad.” 

She gives you a sympathetic smile. “I know. They’re going to come get you for x-rays in a few minutes and then we’ll go back to the hotel.”

“Oh my god,” you gasp. “I’ve gotta call Joel. Bren, give me your phone.”

Laughter comes from the device’s speakers, and you realize she’s one step ahead of you. 

“There’s my girl,” Joel whispers, eyes landing on yours as the phone lands in your hands. “Are you okay?”

The question makes you laugh. “You’re quite the comedian Mr. Farabee. Of course I’m not okay. My leg is currently being held together by a brace and my dreams are ruined.” You soften when you realize how upset Joel looks. “I’ll be fine J, I promise.”

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

“There’s nothing you could have done. It was a freak accident. You can pick me up from the airport.”

He agrees in a heartbeat and tells you about his day to distract you from the pain. You’ll have to ask the nurses for some pain meds before you leave. A nurse comes to take you to the radiology department, and you hang up after reassuring him for the hundredth time that he doesn’t need to fly to Italy to bring you home himself. 

Brenda holds you as the adrenaline wears off and your legs twitches rapidly as a trauma response. She helps you navigate around the small room and makes sure you’re able to use the bathroom. Luckily none of her other skaters are competing, and she’s able to travel back to Philadelphia with you once the doctor clears you. It’s a rough flight – there’s a fair amount of turbulence and each bump makes your leg throb. You don’t get a wink of sleep and are grumpy by the time you touch down in Philly. Joel’s waiting at arrivals with a giant sign and a sweet smile. You wheel yourself over to him as quickly as possible, wanting nothing more than to collapse into his arms. 

“Welcome home baby,” he whispers, leaning down to catch your lips in an airport appropriate kiss. The reason you’re home so early isn’t brought up which you're incredibly grateful for. Your untimely withdrawal is still a very sore spot. 

“I wasn’t gone long,” you laugh, trying to poke fun at the situation before reality gets you too down. 

“Long enough for me to miss you a tremendous amount.”

The three of you exit the airport, and Joel drops Brenda off at her house before taking you back to his place. Chuck and the rest of the management team were allowing him to miss a few games until you become more mobile and can’t exist on your own for a few hours. Joel’s bed is calling out to you, but he insists you’ll feel better after a shower and you know he’s right. Showering isn’t something you can do yourself, so Joel keeps your leg straight and elevated as you sit on the stool he bought while waiting for you to return. The grime of travelling is washed away and you feel lighter when you swing into bed, stubbornly refusing Joel’s help. 

You convince him to let you watch the broadcast of the event you were supposed to be skating in. It’s probably not the best thing for your mental health, but you want to see how everyone does. Joel sits besides you, arm wrapped around your shoulder, and listens to you explain the rationale behind every element’s score. When your replacement takes the ice you go silent. It’s too much to see her skating in your place so you bury your face into Joel’s neck. There’s no jealousy like you thought there would be, just an infinite amount of sadness that you’re not able to be there. 

“You’ll be able to get back there,” Joel reassures you when he feels a tear soak through his sweater. 

“That’s not guaranteed,” you sniffle. “I might not ever skate again, let alone compete at any level.”

He shakes his head in disagreement, leading you to quirk a brow. “I know you. You’re going to do it. It won’t be easy, but you’re the most determined person I’ve ever met. People bounce back after major injuries all the time. I’ll be by your side the entire time, helping you through.”

“I love you,” you blurt out. The gravity of your words sinks in and you gasp. You haven’t said those words to each other yet, but they feel right.

“I love you too,” Joel smiles, kissing the tip of your nose. “Now pay attention to the TV, that girl you beat at Skate Canada is up next.”

☼☼☼☼

Recovery hasn’t been easy. There have been so many days where all you want to do is throw in the towel and cry, but Joel keeps you going. He insists you to your physical therapy exercises with him so you aren’t alone, and he comes to as many doctor’s appointments as he possibly can. After the Flyers get eliminated from the playoffs he doesn’t return home for the summer, choosing to stay in the Philly area with you. Having him there is a massive help, and you power through the pain. 

The Flyers are hosting a family skate before training camp, and it will be your first time on skates in nearly six months. Your doctors have cleared it as long as you take it slow and basically let Joel pull you around the rink but you don’t care. It gives you hope that one day you’ll be back to full strength. 

“Ready to do this thing?” Joel asks, grabbing your hand and intertwining your fingers. 

You nod enthusiastically and let him pull you from the bench to the tunnel and down to the boards. Joel steps on the ice first, keeping his hands up in case you need them for support. A few of the significant others notice what’s happening and they erupt in applause once both your feet are planted on the surface. Joel joins them, his eyes watering when he sees how happy you are to be skating again. 

“I do believe you promised me a few laps lover boy,” you wink. 

“Yes ma’am,” Joel giggles as he mock salutes. He places his hands in yours and guides you gently, careful not to go too fast or get too close to other groups. The two of you giggle and stop to kiss frequently but no one says anything. You’ve worked incredibly hard to get here and they’re perfectly content letting you have your moment. Standing at centre ice you feel complete, and you know it’s all thanks to Joel. 

☼☼☼☼

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