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amphtaminedreams · 6 years ago

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Mental Health Awareness Week: My Story

Hi to anyone who’s reading this!

My name is Lauren and this is my first personal post on my Tumblr (which I’m using because I am a granny who can’t be arsed to work out the basics of Wordpress). My intention in making this blog was ultimately to talk about mental health and fashion and things that interest me and I suppose I knew that ultimately I was going to make a post like this but I just didn’t realise it would be so soon. But then Theresa May lit up Downing Street and it was Mental Health Awareness week and Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month and I realised, best to just get this out of the way before I can start making excuses to put it off until the end of time. It’s a hard post to make because I don’t exactly know who the audience will be; I’m writing it for the mental health community and anybody who’s interested in what Borderline Personality Disorder is/looks like but I’m also conscious of the fact that one day my family and friends and even potential employers could be reading this. How much detail am I supposed to go into? A lot of people still feel uncomfortable discussing topics like this; they start seeing you a different way when they know you suffer from a mental illness, even though you’re the same person you’ve always been. It’s also hard to know where to start when I’m talking about my mental health. I feel like other posts of a similar nature tend to have a clear start, beginning, and end. A clear cause or inciting incident, one self-explanatory, well-understood diagnosis, and a clear pathway to recovery. I don’t have a single, defining trauma I can pinpoint anything to, and I don’t think I have complex PTSD (which is often conflated with BPD but as I understand it, not always the same thing). I have a family history of mental illness and a series of less significant events that in hindsight might have affected me more than I originally thought, but until I became able to think about concepts such as “mental health” and self-image and relationships in the abstract, I believed that I generally had a pretty happy childhood. My family did their very best and they loved me and we always had a roof over our heads and food on our plates. When I did start to conceptualise my mental health, I kind of thought of it as a wave of depression and insecurities and anxieties that hit me when I was in my early teens. I think this is the same for a lot of people. Only when I got a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (which I will shorten to BPD for the purpose of making this easier to read, lol!) in October 2018 did I question that.

I’ve done a lot of questioning since I got the diagnosis, the same kind of questions that make this post hard to write. Am I really that ill? Am I not just being dramatic? Do I have any right to feel like this given the privilege I have? When in reality, this deep-rooted gut instinct to doubt who you are and what you have a right to feel is an intrinsic part of BPD.

There are 9 key symptoms involved in the disorder, 5 of which must be experienced to a degree that is severe enough to affect your day to day functioning in order to receive a diagnosis. My formal assessment which took place during my stay at an inpatient psychiatric ward in October 2018 revealed I was just on the cusp of receiving a diagnosis; in 5 of the 9 categories I scored highly enough that the symptom was impairing my ability to function, thus I only just qualified (lucky me!). That’s what mental illness is really, a collection of ingrained and/or inherited behaviours that are inhibiting one’s day to day life. With regards to BPD, these 9 behaviours or symptoms are as follows:

1. Fear of abandonment (check).

2. Unstable relationships.

3. Unclear or shifting self-image (check).

4. Impulsive, self-destructive behaviours (check).

5. Self-harm (check).

6. Extreme emotional swings (check).

7. Explosive anger.

8. Dissociative experiences (check).

9. Chronic feelings of emptiness (check, check, CHECK).

See, when the diagnosis was first suggested to me informally by a community mental health nurse in June of 2018, I was a bit like…what?! That can’t be me! I don’t have outbursts (it’s okay if you do and you’re working on it)! I don’t scream and throw things (again, okay if you do and are working on it)! And I’m definitely not manipulative (any person can be manipulative so I don’t even know where this one comes from)! That was, like, all I knew about BPD. Stereotypes. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction type bullshit, we’re talking the woman that coined the phrase bunny boiler. I didn’t know that BPD can present in a million different ways, based on the person who’s suffering with it, because I thought BPD was the person. The widespread consensus on BPD isn’t the most humanising. So I hope me explaining how it’s affected my life and the way its presented itself over the years helps in turning the tide, which so many amazing people have already begun to do by sharing their stories. My aim is to do the same.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about the areas in which BPD has affected my life since my formal assessment, in which I felt I learnt a lot more about the disorder. In particular, the idea that I was always this happy child that got hit by a wave of inexplicable, crippling depression once I hit my teenage years. I remember during the assessment, the doctor asking me to talk about my early relationships and it kind of struck me at that moment that I’d been going through this pattern of switching between extreme attachment towards versus extreme devaluation of my relationships with the closest people in my life for as long as I could remember. My first real best friend of several years basically stopped speaking to me (and in hindsight, I do not blame her, lmao!) when we were about 12 because I can only imagine she was sick of me either picking a fight or desperately seeking her reassurance every time she dared to hang out with another friend. I remembered how it felt when she did choose to spend time with somebody else rather than me: “oh my god, she likes them more, she finds me boring, she hates me and she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore! Everything’s over! I’ll never find anyone who loves me like she does because why would they? I can’t go on with my life until I know that she isn’t going to leave me!”. I think at that age, everyone has that shrill inner voice that doesn’t exactly consider logic or react in the most sensible way, but instead of my shrill inner voice going away, it just faded to more of a constantly niggling monotone that continued to affect the way I behaved around other people for years to come. This was just one of the signs that things weren’t as they should be from an early age. I think I was around 13 when the Child Adolescent Mental Health Services (otherwise known as the dreaded CAMHS), whom my parents had initially got me referred to for sleeping problems, diagnosed me with generalised anxiety and social phobia. Social phobia, despite this being its DSM name, is more commonly known as social anxiety. This came about after I had undergone successful CBT for said sleeping problems and thought I’d just drop it in, as you do, that basically, every social interaction felt like I was putting on a desperate show to keep the few remaining people left in the theatre from walking out. I told them that school was emotionally exhausting me. Whilst after the first couple of rocky years of transitioning from primary to secondary school I had developed a close group of friends, I still felt like aside from the closet few of them, absolutely nobody liked me. That was definitely true of some people, but likely not to the extent I envisioned it. I had come to feel, I suspect due to a combination of genes and a few environmental factors, like I was inherently unloveable and annoying, and even though I’m in a good place right now, these are things I continue to struggle with. When you’ve believed these things for so long, to act according to them is second nature.

The thing about BPD is that it’s hard to determine what is a co-morbidity and what is part of The Disorder™. I’m still not quite sure whether my social anxiety was in and of its own issue or if it was driven by the borderline symptom of fearing abandonment. Even recently, during a period of relative stability, I went back to my GP about dysmorphic thoughts concerning my body and appearance as I believe they go beyond the threshold of what is to be expected as part the unstable self-image facet of BPD. Whilst I can accept, for example, that the self-harming and binge eating I began indulging in around the same time I received my anxiety diagnoses were my way of coping with the mood swings and chronic feelings of emptiness I was also experiencing (get me working in the checklist of symptoms here, I imagine this is how film writers feel when they namedrop the movie in the characters’ dialogue), I have a feeling the image issues I have would exist regardless of the influence of the unstable self-image part of BPD. I mean, would perfectionism alone take me to the extremes of punishing myself for missing out on all A*s by an A or two at GCSE and A-level, forcing myself to do a degree I had no particular interest in just because the university was in the single digits in the international league tables, or at one point eating only apples for 10 days until I could barely stand up because I wanted to look like those girls on 2013 emo black and white Tumblr? Probably not. But you don’t need to have an unstable self-image to latch onto the idea that only the very best will do in today’s world, lol (typed with a totally straight face)! Yeah, if the niche that is socialist twitter has taught me anything it’s that, that’s like, late-stage capitalism for you. It’s hard to look at myself and know what is a good quality, or just a character trait, and what is disordered. I think when you call a mental illness a personality disorder, the people who are labelled with it are inevitably going to have that problem.

Surprising absolutely no-one, trying to fit into these ideals I had created and emotionally detaching myself from my friends and family didn’t do any good for my wellbeing. I gave into self-destructive impulses with increased frequency and as I went into sixth form and drifted even further away from the few people I did feel close to, I began to experience derealisation (not depersonalisation, though this is something a lot of people with BPD do experience). This would come under the dissociative experiences symptom of the BPD. It was like my eyes were glass windows and I was just watching life unfold in front of me from the other side. It’s not as if I didn’t have control of my actions, I did, I threw myself into revision, but it all just felt slightly unreal, like I was going through the motions, almost robotically, detached from everyone around me. Everything was muted. Generally, I find that my mood swings between 5 different states: lethargic depression, extreme distress, anxious irritability, an almost mania like sense of confidence and purpose, and a more pleasant calmness. The best way to explain how I experience this switch is that I can almost physically feel the gear of my brain shift, with this change of energy then flowing down to the rest of my body. My thoughts take on a different tone of voice, my body feels heavier, or if I’m going up, it’s like I can feel electricity running and crackling through me. It can happen in a split second, and it can be random, though often it’s triggered by something as small as a phone call or how much I’ve eaten. If multiple plans fall apart at the same time, it can be enough to make me angry at the world and distrustful of everyone in my life, closed off and weighed down. However, back when I was experiencing this derealisation, I remember only really switching back and forth between feeling numb and feeling passively suicidal; I feel like I lost my teenage years to this big, grey cloud of meh-ness that fogged up my brain and obfuscated my ability to regularly feel any positive emotion. To use a cliche, there was this void inside of me that nothing would fill and I had learnt that trying to use relationships to do this was dangerous for me because without sounding melodramatic, it hurt too much when I felt they weren’t reciprocating my love (what a John Green line, lmao).

My fear that people didn’t like me morphed into paranoia that even the people I was supposed to be friends with were ridiculing me the second I left the room; please don’t laugh when I say my greatest pleasure during this time was to go home at lunchtime to avoid having to spend an hour sat with them so I could eat Dairy Milk Oreo, nap and listen to The Neighbourhood (careful, don’t cut yourself on that edge!). I put on a lot of weight due to binge eating, would often leave sixth form early or skip it altogether, and saw my GP, who reestablished my anxiety diagnoses now with an exotic side order of depression. When it comes to NHS services where I live, I’ve kind of won the postcode lottery. There’s a large, conservative elderly population which I’m assuming is the reason our area receives a lot more funding than other, debatably more deserving other areas, and this meant that along with prescribing me the first of many SSRIs I was to try, I was also referred back to CAMHS. I’d been discharged from them about 2 years prior, and what had back then been about a 1 or 2-month waiting list to be seen had doubled in longevity since. I say I won the postcode lottery because, in a lot of places, it’s not uncommon for people to still be waiting to be seen by their local mental health team over a year after they’re first referred. Even so, the help I was offered was very minimal; I met a counsellor once every couple of months that didn’t really specialise in any particular kind of therapy and would kind of just talk at me for the hour I saw her. This was in spite of me expressing suicidal feelings and regularly self-harming.

That being said, by the time I left sixth form, I had finally found an SSRI that worked to blunt the intensity of my social anxiety. I was attending my “perfect” university with my “perfect” grades and (prepare yourself for the twist of the century) I finally managed to get my lazy arse to the gym, and get to that “perfect” weight. I was forming emotional connections with people for the first time in years. On a shallow level, in my first year of uni, things were finally beginning to look up, and yet I was experiencing worse mood swings than ever, becoming more dependent on drugs and alcohol to function through these, and throwing myself into intense friendships where anything less than utmost enthusiasm on the other end of the relationship would send me back into that “oh my god, I’ll never make another friend in my life, I’ll always be alone, I can’t deal with this, the only way to deal with this pain is to end it!” mode. I don’t know why things got so drastic so suddenly. Maybe it was being away from my parents, or maybe it’s just that late teens/early twenties are a time when negative emotions do tend to get more serious after being repressed for years and consequently accumulating. The whole having to be the smartest person in the room to maintain a sense of self shtick was also taking a bit of a hit because university is bloody hard and everyone’s bloody smart and bloody passionate and here I was not even understanding what the assigned reading was trying to say let alone having any brilliant ideas about it to contribute; I was so quiet in one of my seminar groups the lecturer forgot I existed in a class with a grand total of 9 students. Big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond syndrome or maybe just more simply put, imposter syndrome, is a real thing and when you struggle with your identity anyway, it’s enough to throw you off completely. I finished that year with a first but I told myself it probably wouldn’t happen again. A couple of days later, feeling shit and overwhelmed, I did what I’d taken to doing to manage my emotions, and got high. The delusional episode ended me up in A&E for self-harm, and when they let me go the next day, I travelled back to my family home and pretended nothing was wrong.

The whole “act like everything’s fine” approach doesn’t work in the long term. 10/10 would not recommend. Without my parents around, when I went back to uni in September, everything fell apart again. I was using drugs every day, either not eating at all or binge eating, self-harming, binge drinking regularly, skipping all my lectures. Honestly, when I think back to that time it’s like I’m watching myself from outside my body. I was feeling very done with the dumpster fire (how very American of me) that was my brain. I was done with the constant 100mph up and down internal monologue. I was done with trying to cope and to hold myself together. I intentionally overdosed multiple times and after one sent me to A&E, my dad brought me home from university. It was a horrible shock for my parents: they knew I was a worrier that could be a little closed off and miserable sometimes, and they were the ones who’d first taken me to CAMHS when I was younger, but they’d struggled with that, and so from then on I’d tried to keep my issues to myself. To be honest, I don’t blame them at all for not realising anything was drastically wrong. I did a pretty good job of hiding my problems; everyone had their own things to deal with and so I became quite adept at internalising my feelings and acting “inwards” rather than outwards. It was also definitely a case of things escalating whilst I was away. With all this in mind, the overdose kind of came out of nowhere for them, but I was so detached from reality I didn’t even consider this at the time. Thankfully, I can’t really remember how they actually reacted either. Benzodiazepines do that to you, a little tidbit of information that all these teen rappers and social media personalities hyping up Xanax fail to mention. I think my dad made the decision to bring me home rather than have me stay in hospital in London, as was offered, because he thought that would be better for me. However, a few days later, after numerous, distressing visits from the crisis team (another name that will be regrettably familiar to anyone who has experienced severe mental health problems before), where I can only assume a lack of time and recourses on their part forced me to repeat what had happened over and over again to the revolving door of staff members, I took another overdose. I had become paranoid that they were out to get me and falsely believed that I was too much of a burden on my family, who were having to take time off work to look after me. This time from A&E, I went on to stay in a psychiatric ward where I was given the formal diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder I mentioned earlier. And it’s here that my life changed forever, I believe for the better.

It changed my life for many reasons. Firstly, it was incredibly validating. To learn that I didn’t have a plethora of different problems but rather one problem, the different facets of which can present themselves in many different ways and affect multiple areas of your life, was so, so reassuring. It not only gave me a clear treatment path but helped me to understand that there was a reason all this was happening. Additionally, the events forced me to open up to my parents and for them to grasp the severity of the situation. After all these years, I finally felt like I had a support system. My parents had always been there before but I had emotionally distanced myself from everyone, and being a “typical teenager” I believed they didn’t understand me (get that angst). I think in retrospect they didn’t understand me because I wasn’t using the right words. I didn’t want to sound dramatic so whenever I spoke to either of my parents about how I felt, I downplayed it a lot. My mum, who works so incredibly hard and has a lot on her plate herself, had a tough upbringing so her approach to me being miserable was pretty much telling me to be grateful for what I had. Had she known what I was really getting at, I know that she wouldn’t have reacted like this to what I was saying. The minute I got my diagnosis, she went out and bought every (mildly offensively titled) book on how to support someone with BPD out there and I learnt today has even been trying to bring an emphasis on mental health into her workplace! She is a wonderful person.

With all this being said, my main piece of advice for other people who are newly diagnosed with BPD or just suffering from any kind of mental health condition is to be brutally honest with the trusted people around you about what you’re dealing with. It will be uncomfortable but I can promise it’ll be worth it. With something like BPD, having a support system who know exactly what you’re dealing with, minus the vagueness and the bullshit, is so, so important. I say this because, despite Theresa’s green lights, neither she nor her party are doing much in the way of providing the funding for professional help. When I first came out of hospital, I had a lot of nights where I felt incredibly depressed, almost as depressed as I did before I went in. Prior to my family knowing about my BPD diagnosis, I would have dealt with these feelings in unhealthy ways but this time, I could go to my mum and stay with her and just cry it out until the feeling passed. That is also a useful sentiment to remember, that the feelings will pass. It’s in the nature of BPD to swing around, when I’m not experiencing a period of depression, and that’s something I find it helpful to remember. I personally really like the Youper app to track my moods because when I do get suicidal, feel anxious or wired, I have something to look at objectively to remind myself that I did feel like this before, in fact, I felt like this yesterday, but a few hours later I told the app I felt okay again. It also helps you to dissect your irrational thought processes and identify “thinking traps”. Meditation, ASMR and CBD are big parts of my life and stability, though I would recommend doing some research into the latter before trying it yourself.

On a less subjective, more physiological level, I notice that my medication really aids my emotional stability; when I have been off it, my mood swings are a lot more intense. So whilst medication isn’t for everyone, it can be something to consider talking to your GP about to see if it could be beneficial for you. Another help is the DBT skills course I completed in March, DBT being the abbreviation of dialectical behavioural therapy, the treatment specifically developed for BPD by Marsha Linehan. If you have time, she’s a great person to do some research into. She herself was diagnosed with what doctors called an “incurable” case of BPD yet she’s gone on to do the most incredible things and help so many people also suffering from the disorder. Not only did DBT provide me with a skill set of more functional coping mechanisms for both interpersonal insecurities and individual struggles, but I liked the fact that once a week I got to be with a group of people who really understood what I’m dealing with and didn’t judge. Even if you can’t find a DBT group, it’s worth checking to see if there are any mental health peer support groups in your area for this reason. I found that being around people who are dealing with similar issues helped me to see my own struggles more objectively; it reminds you that what you’re experiencing is not about you personally and that whilst you may feel isolated, you’re not. The world hasn’t got it out for you. It’s a condition that many people experience. In terms of the feelings of emptiness BPD causes, I have found that since my diagnosis, I’ve actually had more of a sense of purpose in life. On a practical level, having therapy along with a year out of uni and the presence of a constant support system has had me time to get back into writing properly. What I’ve found to be even more rewarding, however, is my participation in the online mental health community.

Something I wasn’t made aware of prior to my diagnosis was the amount of stigma there is still towards mental health issues, Borderline Personality Disorder especially. It really is one of the most demonised mental health issues in and outside of the healthcare system and that’s a hard fact to learn, because it’s a difficult enough condition to learn to manage already without knowing that there are people out there who think you’re a monster for it and are going to judge everything you do through a certain lens. Whilst we are a lot more accepting as a society of conditions like depression and anxiety, conditions such as bipolar, schizophrenia and personality disorders are still greatly misunderstood by wider society who have largely taken their understandings of these illnesses from ill-informed media portrayals and shallow, surface-level observations of a sufferer’s behaviour. I doubt the name “personality disorder” helps matters; it’s hardly the most flattering description of what we’re dealing with I’ve ever heard. I’ve found that even mental health professionals and other mental illness sufferers have a negative bias towards BPD. There’s a widespread view that we are dangerous, manipulative individuals who choose to be difficult and act erratically, that our behaviour is not “organic” like that produced by other mental health problems. I have no idea where the latter assumption comes from. Most experts on the condition tend to agree that the mood swings, impulsive, destructive behaviour, and irrational thinking originate in the hypothalamus and come from a faulty fight-flight response or other atypical brain structures; in other words, BPD has a biological basis. Whilst I agree that we can learn to change our coping mechanisms, the idea that they are as a result of anything other than pure desperation and mental anguish is incredibly puzzling and dehumanising. Simply looking the causes of the condition up online or doing a small amount of research from a credible source debunks all the common BPD stereotypes, yet people like to speak about it as if they know everything about the condition just because they’ve heard a few horror stories. There are nasty people in the world. Some of them have BPD, but that doesn’t mean everyone with BPD is a nasty person, and the bottom line is that most people suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder will hurt themselves before they hurt anyone else. We are so hypersensitive to any changes in our relationships in the first place that the last thing we want to do is damage them. When we say something feels like the end of the world, that’s because the emotional dysregulation part of BPD really makes it feel like it is. We’re not being dramatic or trying to get your attention. In fact, I can say for certain that despite feeling this way on a daily basis for about 7 years, I rarely actually voiced the sentiment. I still don’t. But I should be able to. To give the example of one person suffering from physical illness and one suffering from a mental illness, where both publicly talk about the pain they’re experiencing, why is only the latter of the two called an attention seeker? If the former tweeted about how much pain they were in, nobody would bat an eyelid. Why is this? When so many people experience mental health problems? When the gender who are typically expected by society to repress their feelings accounted for over 70% of suicide victims in the UK last year? It’s clear that keeping our feelings to ourselves and suffering in silence doesn’t do us any good, so why are so many so eager for us to continue doing so? I think being open about mental health simply needs to be normalised, and that once it is, hopefully, this sentiment will die out. I find that by being open about my mental health on social media (still quite selectively, I must admit! I can’t see myself making a post about BPD on Facebook any time soon!) has given me a sense of purpose because I do feel like I’m helping to normalise this kind of honesty. With regards to the stigma that surrounds BPD specifically, I feel that my presence online and my support of others helps to show that we’re just human beings who are struggling, not the awful mythos that surrounds us.

To finish, one of my main goals in my recovery is to be more compassionate to myself. BPD is a hard enough diagnosis to have without constantly internally doubting and questioning it. I find that as the months go by, I am feeling more and more stable, and this leads me to question if I was ever sick, especially since I only displayed 5/9 of the borderline traits in the first place, which meant that I only just met the diagnostic criteria. I don’t have psychotic rage or complete blackouts and tend to act inwards rather than outwards. I am what is considered within the mental health community to be a “quiet” borderline. I know theoretically that this doesn’t make my condition any less valid, but for this reason, part of me fears moving towards being “well”. Because if I’m well, then I feel like I’ve lost part of an already fragile identity. Of course, I’d rather not have BPD. But because I’ve been expressing symptoms for so long, I worry what’s left of me without it. At the same time, I fear going back to a place where my BPD is so severe that I have to go back to hospital. So really, it’s like you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. It’s a double-edged sword. Is that enough cliches? The thing that I wish more people could understand is that mental illness in itself is traumatic and that even when you’ve moved on, what you experienced will always be a part of you. You still need that support. I’m not going to lie, resisting the urge to indulge in old coping mechanisms and habits is hard, and whilst the sense of pride I feel every time I don’t, or every time I use responsibly something I’m used to abusing is rewarding, there are days where waiting for the need to use them to pass is very long and very hard. I need to stop telling myself that just because I am feeling better than I did, I don’t deserve that support anymore. I do. I still deserve compassion. I still deserve a safety net. I still deserve a sense of understanding from the people around me. I deserve all of it, as does everyone else. I also deserve to be proud of how far I’ve come already instead of berating myself for not having come far enough. As I write this I haven’t self-harmed in 169 days, have been at my current job for coming up to 6 months, have an interview for a psychology course at the uni I came to love in a week’s time. I’m finally somewhat healthily managing my weight for the first time in years! I have also decided that once I do return to university, my reason for being there is not contingent on me maintaining firsts; my mental health, and what I do with the degree is much more important. I would ultimately like to go into clinical psychology and do as much as I can in that area to help people going through similar issues. With the current state of the mental health (and healthcare, in general) system in the UK, it’s definitely easy to get disheartened that the services it provides will never be adequate due to funding issues. However, in the meantime, I think the more of us with lived experience that can get into mental health care, the better the service that eventually is provided can be. Every week I’m thinking of new things I’d like to research once I have the footing, epigenetic and intergenerational trauma and the use of psychedelics and the benefit of peer support groups. There’s always a way to turn the negative into a positive, even if it takes time to learn how to do so and I think after all these years, I’m finally getting the hang of it. If my brain has been a “dumpster fire” for the last however many years, then I don’t want to let the ashes go to waste. I’m going to make them into some really morbid confetti! As I sit here writing this, I can firmly say I am happier than I’ve ever been. Game of Thrones is pissing me off (might do a post how identity and attachment issues lead to a correlation between BPD and obsessive character fixations at some point because BOY has that been driven home to me this week!) but tomorrow I’m going to an ABBA party with uni friends, Yvie Oddly is smashing drag race, and my cat is lying next to me purring. It gets better. The hard days become less frequent and they get easier to cope with too; you can learn to ride the waves and find reasons to continue doing so, regardless of how tiring it might be sometimes.

My pipe dream for this time next year is that we have people in government who really care about the invisibly ill of this country. That Downing Street can do more than turn green. I hope that we get to see more realistic and sympathetic portrayals of BPD in the media that draw attention to the issue without glamourising or romanticising it and that we get more portrayals of queer, disabled and POC experiences of mental illness too as it’s not just skinny caucasian girls that deal with this shit! Most importantly, I also hope that I continue to flourish, and wish the same for everyone struggling with mental illness/any kind of turmoil. Anybody who reads this ’til the end, wow! Thank you! It was a bit of an essay but what do you expect coming from an ex-history student and wannabe author, lol! Please let me know if there is something you’d like to see me post about on this Tumblr, such as any specific BPD symptoms and how they might present, how I deal with social anxiety and body image, or even anything completed unrelated to mental health! God knows I love the sound of my own…prose? Is that the right word to use?

I hope you enjoyed reading!

Lauren x

#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #borderline personality disorder #borderlne #bpd #bpdrecovery #social anxiety #socialphobia #bpdprobz #body dysmorphia #recovery #addiction

9 notes · View notes

thegeminisage · 7 years ago

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What other characters (of DBH) you think people should appreciate more and why? I love read your opinions❤

omg anon pls thats so sweet <333 im very glad bc i dont have many friends who are into detroit and all i wanna do is talk about it 24/7

(if anybody wasn’t here for the last ask the first character was north & there’s a follow-up here)

alright just a “””quick””” (lol as if) little thing for each one bc it’s getting late & you’ve already been waiting on this for like an hour at the time i started typing. it’s probably gonna be long as fuck but the tl;dr is at the bottom

LUTHER:

they did luther so dirty…it was like david cage was playing “racist trope bingo” for his entire debut chapter…and then on top of that all he cares about is kara & alice, these two near-strangers, and it’s real easy to get him killed for them. in fact, in an ending where kara sacrifices herself at the border, she tells alice that luther will get her across the border, and after that, rose will take care of her. UM WHAT? don’t call ur PSN trophy “happy family” and then try to erase luther like that!! what does luther want? what are his hopes and dreams, his fears? nobody ever bothers to ask bc they’re too busy making ralph alice’s dad. and it’s not that i don’t like ralph - i do! but he threatened alice with a knife TWICE. after her previous dad’s bullshit, that’s the last thing she needs!!

here’s my take on luther: he says that what his life was before kara & alice doesn’t matter, and that’s because david cage doesn’t care about him. but imagine instead that luther remembers what he did (was forced to do) before he broke his programming. our luther is sweet and gentle and good, but zlatko forced him to use his strength as a weapon for LITERALLY tearing people apart. don’t you think luther regrets that? don’t you think he wishes he could take it back? perhaps his even temper and loving heart is a RESULT of those early memories: he’s seen the worst sides of anger and callousness, he’s had to be complicit in it. my feeling is that he never ever wants to be complicit in something like that again…it feels weird when he picks up a gun in the game because i think he would be even more of a staunch pacifist than josh?? i feel like even when luther does get annoyed or angry he’s so afraid of the harm he’s capable of doing he doesn’t even really let himself feel it And That’s Sad. he should be able to get annoyed at like a broken coffee maker or some shit without illogically worrying it will result in someone’s maiming or death?? maybe he is So Ready to throw himself on a grenade for kara and alice because yes, he does love them, but also he feels he has to redeem himself somehow, yk? he has to be willing to do absolutely WHATEVER it takes to be Good

they didn’t give luther any depth…he never got to speak to zlatko’s captives and apologize, he never got to express a feeling about kara potentially burning down the whole fucking nightmare house (with living androids inside, i might add) - would he have wished to save those androids? would he be glad their suffering was over? would he have motherfucking hearts in his eyes for kara single-handedly destroying his own personal hell? he deviated for alice, it was alice that made him say “ok, doing this to kids is where i literally can’t take it anymore” - don’t you think he’d be so retroactively terrified of all the terrible things that could have happened to her?

like i truly don’t get why people make ralph alice’s dad when luther loves her so fucking much he’d bring her the moon if she asked - he’s the only person who loves her just as selflessly and unconditionally as kara does. she accepted him and wanted him to say goodnight their very first night together…as soon as he resisted his programming, she stopped being afraid of him, and it must be so amazing for him to finally have people around who don’t either fear him or try to control him…whether u ship him with kara or not (i do, everyone should - it’s one thing to HC kara as gay but i side-eye people who don’t wanna ship luther with anybody) you know he’s gotta cherish them so much

AMANDA:

ok look i know amanda is the antag to connor’s story but honestly she’s metal as FUCK. i was so fucking floored to not only learn the garden isn’t a garden but that amanda isn’t amanda��my first playthrough i was letting connor be just a lil bit deviant but whenever amanda would ask about it i would panic and lie…now i know it doesnt matter what you can say and you can be blatantly deviant right in front of her and she’s like ok Whatever BUT i was deeply shook to realize all my lying to her all along hadn’t meant a thing…she did in fact KNOW i was lying because she wasn’t real, she was living in connor’s brain and she could see all that shit he was doing

and also?? like, imagine you were made out of a dead person’s face and voice. we don’t know if amanda has a body, we don’t know if kamski actually liked what he created or thought it was creepy (like imagine if he and amanda were close and then she died…it’d be weird to see her like that), we don’t know if amanda CAN deviate like the androids…she’s living this half life potentially stuck in some garden and just doing what her program says like everybody else. but even though machines get all the sympathy in this game i very rarely ever see people stop and go “dude, is she ok…is someone controlling her can we help her” - amanda’s a lot like connor, she’s hunting down deviants but she’s not a human and she’s not alive yet so who’s pulling her strings?? can they be cut???

JOSH:

i’ll be honest i haven’t figured out what Angle i like best for josh the way i’ve got one for luther and north but he has such strong convictions i feel like they would have to stem from some past experience. everybody’s always arguing about simon vs north that nobody stops to give josh the attention he deserves…he’s part of the fantastic 4 too!! who is josh? what does he want? what is he afraid of? does he refuse to be violent for reasons like luther - did he hurt someone, deliberately or accidentally? (to a lesser extent, a pacifist markus who shoved leo can also follow this pattern - he gave into violence and thought he’d killed carl’s son, so he swore to do no more violence after that.) or: did he see someone else get hurt/get hurt himself? i know the backstory they give him in the gallery but tbh it’s very similar and not stand-out from most of the rest of the stuff we hear…

like, what made josh deviate? we literally never find out. i think it would be interesting tho if instead of just being the victim of violence, he was ordered to DO violence, and refused - maybe that’s why he got hurt. but i think his relationship WITH violence could be a complex thing for anyone who wanted to tackle it. we know why north prefers violence, why does josh detest it? (similarly, why does simon prefer safety over either approach? - but fandom gives him a lot of love and attention and tries to explain this, and nobody tries to explain it for josh.)

KARA & ALICE:

like…to a small extent…i know they’re main characters but i could write an essay just on why they didn’t get a fair shake either - constant victims of assault, little depth, kara got to choose what happened to her but not what kind of person she was gonna be like markus & connor, significantly less playtime than markus & connor, had NO influence on the big macro plot like markus & connor, i could go on…but definitely the worst for me is that everything about kara that made us love her (from the short), was ERASED - david took her memories and never made the slightest move towards kara wanting them back, or her being able to get them back. she’s six years old and he took all of her history from her, all of her agency!! i feel like translated into fic they can both become very flat - all kara cares about is protecting alice, and alice is constantly scared or hurt or needing to be taken care of, like a baby doll. granted that’s not actually far from the game’s canon, but it could have been MORE. kara had six entire years of experiences before she met alice - what makes alice special? who is kara without alice?

i really wish we had been able to take a personality route with kara - her main superpower seems to be empathy and getting people on her side (ralph, jerrys, zlatko’s creatures), but she can also wave around a gun at anybody who gets near her baby. it would have been really interesting to explore two sides of that - to have a kara who is 1000% Done and ready for wholesale murder if it means surviving vs having a kara who can bring out the best in anyone, even if they seem like bad people at first. (imagine the influence you could have over alice - she would learn to be wary of strangers or be warm to them.) but instead the narrative is wishy-washy; you can’t teach alice anything, and in fact she serves as kara’s moral compass instead of the other way around - you wind up doing things like comforting the guy who broke kara multiple times and waving a gun at ralph (who like, shouldn’t have done that, but also isn’t 100% in control of his own facualities all the time). it would have been really interesting to see kara be able to influence her own fate more as well - the camp sections are shitty and should not exist but like maybe a kara who had spent the whole game yelling at everyone with a gun would have the ability unlocked to then rally the people inside, and who cared what connor and markus were doing, you know?

but david doesn’t know how to write women so that’s not what we got - kara carried that entire franchise into reality and he totally screwed her over!!

TL;DR

luther was forced to do terrible things and that could explain a lot of his behavior if anybody cared, nobody ever wonders if amanda is being forced to obey programming like the rest of the machines or if she’s ok, josh’s relationship with violence could be very complex and we don’t know his motivation for refusing to participate in it the way we know north’s for preferring it, and david can’t write women so he shafted kara so fucking bad and it is an honest to god shame

(dbh meta tag)

#dbh #dbh luther #dbh amanda #dbh kara #dbh josh #dbh alice #detroit become human #long post #liz answers asks #anonymous #sorry that took so long!! i had more feelings than i thought #THANK U FOR ASKING made my night #dbh meta #liz's dbh stuff #liz's meta

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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15 Hardest Sega Genesis Games of All-Time

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There are a lot of reasons to love the Sega Genesis, but in my mind, the console’s best feature was its library of arcade-like titles. At a time when the idea of playing arcade games at home involved winning the lottery, the Genesis gifted gamers with title after title that captured the spirit of those unforgettable experiences.

As Genesis fans know, though, that library of arcade-like games meant that the average Genesis title was often as brutally difficult as the arcade games of that era that set standards for hard video games that some fans argue (much like the games themselves) haven’t been beat. I won’t reignite a console war here, but if you were a ’90s gamer looking for the biggest challenges, you usually found them on the Genesis.

But which Genesis game was the toughest of them all? Well, there’s a good chance retro gamers everywhere know exactly what our number one pick is, but it’s joined by a host of titles that most of us probably wouldn’t stand a chance of beating to this day.

15. The Adventures of Batman and Robin

Not to be confused with the excellent SNES game of the same name, Adventures of Batman and Robin for Sega Genesis was actually a fast-paced side-scroller similar to the Metal Slug series. It’s about as awesome as that description makes it sound, and I highly recommend you play it if you’ve never done so.

Just know that this game’s difficulty level is as surprising as the quality of the game itself. What you’re basically dealing with here is a side-scrolling shooter that incorporates the hardest elements of a particularly tough side-scroller beat-em-up. Remarkably, the game proves to be even more difficult than that description may lead you to believe thanks to some surprisingly long levels that often require you to memorize complex patterns. Oh, and the bosses are absurdly tough across the board.

I would love to see a sequel to this idea, but maybe that game could turn down the difficulty just a couple of notches.

14. Robocop vs. The Terminator

While this game is arguably best remembered for its gore (enemies explode in a way that would make Paul Verhoeven’s squibs guy proud), I feel like its true legacy should be its simply ridiculous difficulty level.

Much like the Super Star Wars series, the problem with this one is that enemies can absorb a hilarious amount of damage before dying. I have no idea how even basic thugs can eat so many bullets, but the fact that they die in comically violent ways is often the only thing keeping you from throwing your controller out of the window in frustration at the sight of another goon with the health pool of a miniboss.

If this game wasn’t such a fun love letter to two great action franchises, I highly doubt anyone would find the patience to finish it.

13. Phantasy Star 2

I struggled with whether or not to include this one. It’s not challenging in that “arcade” way that so many Sega Genesis games are, so there’s a chance you could play it for a while without realizing what you’ve gotten yourself into.

You’re in for a rude awakening the first time you enter a dungeon, though. Phantasy Star 2’s dungeons have to rank high among the most confusing labyrinths ever constructed in an RPG. Most dungeons are either shaped like Final Fantasy X’s skill tree or something MC Escher might sketch on opium. It’s not like you really have time to figure them out organically either as enemies are tough enough to wipe you out while you’re just trying to understand where to go next. It makes grinding for levels a near necessity simply so you’re able to survive long enough to find a dungeon’s exit through trial and error.

While modern walkthroughs make this game much more manageable, trying to beat this one the “original” way with or without the cryptic hints in some of the game’s instruction books will wear you down and drive you mad.

12. Streets Of Rage 3

We’re going to talk about this a few times during this countdown (just you wait), but one of the most interesting things about the Sega Genesis era is how often Sega decided to make a Genesis game more difficult for its U.S. release. The reasons varied, but many major U.S. Genesis titles were significantly more difficult than their international counterparts.

Few games suffered (or benefited, based on your perspective) from that difficulty bump as noticeably as Streets of Rage 3. I can only imagine how confused Sega Genesis fans were when they discovered that the third Streets of Rage game was noticeably harder than the games that came before it. The developers basically utilized every difficulty bump trick in the book for this one, and it makes the game nearly unenjoyable at times.

You can’t even beat this game if you play it on “Easy” as it just ends on Stage 5! It’s a hilarious reminder of how unforgiving old-school game developers could be.

11. Fatal Labyrinth

The pure dungeon crawler genre fell in and out of popularity during the 8 and 16-bit console days, but if you do find a console dungeon crawler from that era, you can pretty much guarantee that it’s going to be ridiculously difficult.

Few games embody that philosophy as well as Fatal Labyrinth. Essentially an early roguelike, Fatal Labyrinth confused many players with its complex mechanics that often left your hero feeling woefully unprepared for the challenges ahead and left the player feeling uncertain as to why they just couldn’t seem to kill even basic enemies.

The thing about this game, though, is that enemies swarm you so consistently and aggressively that you really don’t have time to figure out what’s happening before you’re quickly overwhelmed. For that matter, I’m pretty sure you could have designed this game’s mechanics and still struggled to master the unique dances required to even survive even early encounters.

10. Shadow Dancer: The Secret of Shinobi

While I don’t believe I’m going to settle the debate over which Shinobi game is hardest here today, I’d like to suggest that we all agree that Shadow Dancer at its hardest difficulty levels is easily one of the most punishing action games of its era.

Technically an adaptation of an unrelated arcade game called Shadow Dancer, this title advances the spirit of Shinobi’s punishing difficulty thanks to some customizable difficulty levels that allow you to make this game nearly impossible. Think Shinobi is hard? Well, imagine trying to beat Shinobi without shurikens while facing a small army of enemies as challenging as some bosses in other games.

I’ll go with Revenge of Shinobi if we’re talking about the best Shinobi game, but this one deserves a nod as the hardest.

9. Ecco the Dolphin

I grew up a Nintendo kid, but I love Sega, and I’ll always respect the way that they made the early days of gaming a much more interesting place. That being said, I will always hold a grudge against them for making Ecco the Dolphin one of the most promoted Genesis games and how that promotion encouraged young Nintendo fans everywhere to test the Genesis waters by playing this absolute nightmare.

Ecco the Dolphin highlights most of the elements that make underwater levels so annoying in the first place. You’ve constantly got to manage your character’s breath while navigating maze-like levels that Phantasy Star 2 thinks are unintuitive. In case you weren’t certain this game’s developers hate you, some levels even throw in a time limit so suffocating that I’m pretty sure you can hear the designers laughing on this title’s excellent soundtrack.

Simply put, Ecco should be on any shortlist of the most frustrating games ever made even if you don’t define it as “hard” based on what that word means to you.

8. Gaiares

I suspect that the developers of Gaiares looked at every other nearly impossible shooter title of this era and thought “What can we do to really make fans hate us?” Enter the “TOZ System.”

TOZ basically replaces traditional powerups in these games with a mechanic that requires you to “siphon” abilities from enemies. That means that the abilities you rely on to kill many of those enemies in the first place have to be gathered from the enemies you’re trying to kill. Mind you, acquiring these powerups leaves you somewhat vulnerable, so you’re constantly required to keep track of your current and desired power while trying to stay alive through waves of projectiles.

Even without that system, the speed and design of Gaiares would make it one of the most difficult entries into a genre synonymous with experiences that demand superhuman reflexes.

7. Kid Chameleon

Any game can throw a tidal wave of enemies at you and call themselves difficult. It takes a special kind of game to break you on a spiritual level while offering an otherwise standard (and quite good) platforming experience. That’s what Kid Chameleon brings to the table.

Kid Chameleon‘s 100+ levels would be objectively impressive if it weren’t for the fact that there is no password or save system in the original title. That means you’ve somehow got to beat this absolutely massive game in one long sitting. While there are ways to skip large segments of the game (you only need to beat about half its levels), the fact that there’s almost no in-game indication of the best path forward (aside from confusing instruction book guides) means that most gamers just assumed that something had gone horribly wrong and they just bought a game they couldn’t actually beat.

Games

15 Hardest NES Games of All-Time

By Matthew Byrd

Games

15 Hardest SNES Games of All-Time

By Matthew Byrd

What’s really impressive is that even modern walkthroughs do little to diminish the spectacle of this game’s confusing structure and the mechanical challenges of its most demanding levels.

6. MUSHA: Metallic Uniframe Super Hybrid Armor

Along with having one of the best names in Sega Genesis history, MUSHA is widely considered to be one of the rarest Genesis titles ever made. Unless you’re a glutton for pain on the level of a human in the Hellraiser universe, though, I can safely advise you to save your money and resist the urge to seek out an original copy of this one.

MUSHA is relentless in a way that even the most challenging top-down shooters of the ‘80s and ‘90s have to pay respect to. There aren’t a lot of gimmicks that separate this from other examples of the genre, but you don’t really need gimmicks when you’ve got a game that is fundamentally difficult in ways that only the best entries into this genre can be.

Call this the resident “SHMUP” entry if you must, but I think that there’s something about this game that just feels crueler than even some of its most infamous companions.

5. Comix Zone

Can a game be too difficult? The answer to that question is obviously debatable, but in the case of Comix Zone, I feel like we may have one of the rare examples of a title that’s difficulty undermines so many of the things that should make this game legendary.

As much as I love Comix Zone for its unique visual style that sees you jump between comic book panels, I can’t think back on this game without eventually remembering how its difficultly makes it unenjoyable most of the time The idea here is that you’re a regular guy in a comic book world who has to defend themselves however they can. That’s a neat concept in theory, but your paper-thin defenses mean that you can die in an instant despite the fact that you actually do have a health bar. To make matters worse, you actually lose health whenever you attack an enemy. I don’t know who the developers hate more: their protagonist or the people playing this game.

I know some defend this one for its comical difficulty, but I feel like Comix Zone could have been so much more if its relatively short length wasn’t hidden by mechanics designed to quite literally punish you for playing it.

4. Target Earth

Target Earth looks like a standard shooter, but this one earns its high spot on this list by virtue of some truly befuddling (some would say “bad”) controls that make this game harder than it arguably needed to be.

Imagine playing a Contra game where you move much slower, can only jump in certain areas, and tend to have to rely on a weak machine gun that needs to be reloaded from time to time. Before you’re done dreaming up that fresh hell, be sure to roughly double the number of enemies and death traps you’d expect to see in each level. Oh, and there’s a difficulty spike around the second or third level that essentially demands you to have already mastered the game by that point. That’s roughly what Target Earth brings to the table.

While I understand that this game is trying to replicate some of the awkwardness of controlling a giant mech rather than a more agile individual, I also understand that many players will need to rely on the built-in invincibility code just to see the end of this otherwise great game.

3. The Immortal

I really tried to resist talking about The Immortal again after including it on a list of the hardest NES games, but how can you talk about the most difficult Genesis titles without giving this one a nod?

The Immortal is much better on Genesis than it is on NES, but this title’s troll gameplay remains roughly the same. The Immortal is still a game where even the most seemingly innocent step can mean your immediate death. This game recreates the fun of walking through a minefield, and while I appreciate that going through a mythical dungeon would probably not be a walk in the park, there comes a point when you’ve got to ask yourself “Why am I playing this?”

I don’t know if we’ll ever see a game quite like The Immortal again. It practically exists to boil your blood whenever you play or think about it.

2. Chakan: The Forever Man

Any young Genesis fan needs to know the name Ed Annunziata. As a famous producer reportedly obsessed with ensuring kids didn’t beat games too quickly, he’s partially responsible for some of the hardest Sega games ever made.

Chakan is rightfully considered to be his masterpiece in that pursuit. Years later, I can’t quite tell if this game is a brilliant piece of game design or a complete failure. It’s this strange blend of Mega Man-esque action and a more methodical adventure/puzzle title that’s stiff controls and limited defensive options often leave you woefully unprepared to best even the most basic enemies. The game clearly doesn’t want to send you on a power trip, but I’m not sure the developers intended for you to feel quite as helpless as you so often are.

The ways in which Chakan is so difficult make it the likely breaking point for many gamers who otherwise crave such experiences. It’s difficult in ways that have never been replicated, which I both love and hate about it.

1. Contra: Hard Corps

The Contra series is obviously synonymous with difficulty, which I actually feel is a bit of an unfair reputation. Yes, these games are tough, but much like Dark Souls, boiling the series down to that element means you often overlook the ways that difficulty level enhances so many of the other things that this franchise does well.

Then there’s Contra: Hard Corps. That game can jump right into the fire of the rage it inspires in me whenever I think about it.

Hard Corps is a departure from every Contra game that came before (and most that have been released since). It let you carry multiple weapons, it featured four playable characters not previously seen in the series, its story allowed you to choose between branching paths, and it’s actually closer to a bullet hell shooter than a traditional Contra game.

As you’ve probably guessed, it’s that last element that earns Hard Corps a place on this list. I don’t care if the word “hard” is literally in the title: nothing can prepare you for how fast Hard Corps really is. The game’s speed is mind-blowing and requires you to stick to safe zones smaller than anything you’ve likely seen outside of rarely released arcade games built specifically to challenge veteran bullet hell players.

cnx.cmd.push(function() { cnx({ playerId: "106e33c0-3911-473c-b599-b1426db57530", }).render("0270c398a82f44f49c23c16122516796"); });

If you’re one of the many who couldn’t beat Contra on NES without cheating, let me tell you that you haven’t seen anything until you’ve played Hard Corps. Even the “Contra isn’t hard” crowd pays homage to this game.

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sorcieresque · 8 years ago

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12, 13, 14, 18, 19

What have you found to be most difficult about creating art for your OC (any form of art: writing, drawing, edits, etc.)?

oh god i commiserate with casper on this one cause daisy is supposed to be super witty and super sharp, which i never feel like i live up to. smart and witty characters are really only as smart as witty as the person writing them and i know this is the wrong question to say this but like her i push myself really hard and rarely give myself enough credit so no matter how i write daisy’s dialogue i always feel like it could have been better, funnier, more concise, more poetic, and just more of it, cause she, like nick, never fucking shuts up.

most of the time though, when i go back and read old stuff i realize that it actually was pretty good (if i do say so myself) so i know a lot of the time my impression of her dialogue being lackluster has more to do with her/my impossible expectations for my own abilities… daisy’s only as hard on herself as i am hard on myself writing her. its an oroburos of perfectionism

re: drawing her, the fact that i choose a real life face-claim so i can never quite get her face right without references. her eyes are so far apart you guys

s o f a r a p a r t

How far past the canon events that take place in their world have you extended their story, if at all?

in ye olde h*rry p*tter au, she became somewhat of a (non racist lol) second coming of voldemort in the pursuit of power, glory and recognition, because i’ve come to terms with her being a bit of a mary sue and also because it was the logical conclusion of her character in that au, a relentless pursuit of something that was never quite enough for her own personal standards which made her aimless and wrathful. there was a lot less genocide lol for obvious reasons, but she did murder a bunch of people who challenged her and lighted the match that eventually led to the human world knowing about the wizarding world. what a way to go down in history. through this all she let go of nick because she saw her emotional attachment to him as a weakness, but when it came between proving herself and killing him she ended up saving his life instead at the cost of all of her power and took out her following in the processes. i know technically you can’t bring people back to life in the HP universe but again 1) mary sue, and 2) it really showed the size and scope of her power and the magnitude of her sacrifice, and i really loved the idea of adding onto the h*rry p*tter themes of love and that love is the most powerful force, but also that love washes away sins, that even when you’ve done horrible things you’re still worthy of love and love can save you.

after she saves nick though she goes to azkaban for 15 years and then she’s in house arrest i think for another 10, because the magic jury goes soft on her given that she no longer has any power, the magical media was an absolute sucker for that kind of love story, and also because the magical word is stupid and i didnt want her to spend the rest of her life in jail. she spends most of those 25 years trying to make amends with nick, who eventually forgives her. she also never quite adapts properly to living without magic

after that she just travels the world with nick and writes and writes and writes, including thousands of stories but most importantly an incredibly popular autobiography

SORRY THAT GOT SO LONG

i have a vague idea of what i want her to do in WSC but like, daisy is greater than life, she’s a historical figure, a religious icon, a myth and a messiah, the pursuit of worldwide recognition and power is SUCH a huge part of her that it’s going to feel so weird and… incomplete, if she doesn’t at least attempt some kind of massive, universal-stakes type of feat in this universe

i actually don’t want to give too many details because of spoilers, but my number one priority right now is giving her a purpose so she’s not so aimless, and that purpose is figuring out where she’s from and who she really is. disney pixar much? more likely than you think. and also hopefully pushing her towards chaotic neutral, or even, gasp, good? (unlikely).

If you had to narrow it down to 2 things that you MUST keep in mind while working with your OC, what would those things be?

i’m having a hard time with this one for some reason but i’m going to forego speech patterns and say that

1) up until WSC daisy’s life had been an exercise in how much it would actually suck to be OP in a world where no one quite lives up to your level (she sees nick as an equal in terms of wits and depth and humanity, but it had always been an understanding between them that she had power and he didn’t. not in a threatening way, of course, just as something that is), so she is always bored and that boredom makes her difficult and petty and annoying and cruel and dissatisfied and self-destructive. therefore, coming to WSC has done wonders for her personality (lmao) because she’s finally among people who could rise up to her level, because everyone’s as weird as she’s always been and she isn’t alone, and most importantly because now she’s rarely bored. it’s actually quite hard to make her hate your kid because her fascination is always gonna triumph over her momentary dislike or annoyance, and she’s always a tiny bit in a manic state when she interacts with your kids (see: aud, reagan, moire, gabe) because they’re just so fucking interesting

2) layers. like an onion. there’s so many layers. she’s so fucking convoluted. i’ve talked about this before here and this is already so long so i don’t wanna get into it, but the crux of the idea is that there’s always more daisy the deeper you dig, and most of the time she’s trying to make herself as mythical and tortuously complex as she can make herself be because she’s both trying to protect the soft parts of her where people can hurt her, and because she’s begging people to see through her bullshit and reach those parts, anyway.

What is the most recent thing you’ve discovered about your OC?

i actually haven’t been writing her a lot lately cause my spoons are low, but the most recent thing that comes to mind is how much more into clea (shout out!) she is than i originally thought/intended lmao. it’s a weird combo of being desperate for friendship and connections, and also never having been around girl-aligned people she isn’t related to and therefore having this idealized version of hanging out with her ~girlfriends~ which involves a lot of lesbianism like scantily clad sleepovers and kissing each other to practice for “””boys.””

and of course there’s a more sincere layer of just being constantly fascinated and confused by how different clea is from her and trying to parse that out. clea and daisy balance each other our so well and i think they allow each other to be more like the way they want to be but are too embarrassed to say out loud. clea definitely lets daisy be more of the teenager that daisy is too proud to let herself be, so even when she acts prim and prissy and greater-than-life around clea, they still do a wonderful job of keeping her grounded. also daisy is hopelessly attracted to the whole 4d thing because she’s always been the only person around who’s not quite right, and there’s a lot of intimacy in that recognition, a weird convoluted self-love in seeing and celebrating in someone else what you’ve always struggled with yourself

What is your favorite fact about your OC?

just like w/ misha, don’t quote me on this because i love her! so much! so it’s impossible to pick just one but i just love… all her imperfections, not to be a massive sap (girl ur amazing… just the way you are…) but i love the things that make her weird and random and vulnerable and human, i like that she craves connections but has no fucking clue how to make friends, i love her weird obsession with unicorns, i love how convoluted her vent is because she thinks too fast to write things down coherently, i love writing her when her magic fucks up or when she’s so upset she cries or being awkward because there’s cute people around her or being comfortable enough to make silly jokes and just in general i love when she’s uncool and clumsy and a teenager. i’m gay!

#a-thousand-dreadful-things

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nanyoky · 8 years ago

Note

ALL of the numbers for Wanda and for Pietro

OMG THIS IS SO LONG I TOOK FOREVER. I did a mix of canon and au, especially where canon limits the answers.

1. What does their bedroom look like? Shared one until the bombings, very sparse - parents didn’t have much money. Then homeless until post - ultron.

Wanda: We see wanda’s avengers compound room In cw but I… don’t…. like… many things about that movie so - let’s say more cramped and closed off. Even if given a larger, open space I feel Wanda would fill it in an eclectic way. She nests like no other. When you’re not used to a set space being your own, it’s exciting and novel to surround yourself with things and images of your choosing. She goes to thrift stores and garage sales and collects just dumb things that she likes just because she CAN.

Pietro: Canon: hasn’t ever had his own. Nice happy everybody lives au: pretty plain, but nice. More stylish than people might expect. Some spillover of wanda’s possessions. Entire half of the walk in closet is devoted to sneakers. 2. Do they have any daily rituals?

Wanda: Definitely a tea drinker, at LEAST in the morning and before bed.

Pietro: Not quite compulsive, but he actually falls into routine very fast. In the city, he had a circuit he would travel with things to do along the way- taking food, talking to people from the tent city, taking necessities, scoping out new places to sleep so they did not use one single place too often, checking in on the occupying soldiers’ movements, harassing police officers on duty, etc. 3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

Wanda: Not before the Avengers. Now she does, but grudgingly. It helps when the others point out the more varied her skills are, the more people she can help.

Pietro: He always ran, even before they got their powers. Somewhere in their teens, he started doing simple exercises like pushups and situps when they were bored because he thought people wouldn’t hassle them as much if he looked tougher. With the Avengers, he gets bored with all the training- routine that he doesn’t define himself. But he appreciates being able to to something he’s good at. 4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

Wanda: She checks with her mind before going into any shared living space. If she doesn’t mind company, she’ll still come in and cook alongside whoever is there or share their food. If she’s not feeling up to it, she will wait.

Pietro: Uses his speed to work around anyone in there, which is annoying exactly 100% of the time 5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

Wanda: Organized chaos, for sure. Long bath goblin. We’re talking multiple hours here. Candles and music and a book and maybe even snacks in there.

Pietro: Neat and contained out of necessity for a long time. But the more comfortable he is, the more likely he is to be cluttered and messy. The team starts getting annoyed when he begins to leave his shoes and hoodies everywhere, but those of them good at reading human behavior (natasha, sam, clint) notice the pattern and guess why. 6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

Wanda: Long time not knowing where their next meal was coming from means she eats when and whatever she can. Living in the compound is an adjustment, but she starts getting more discerning and learns what she actually likes an doesn’t like. Sam introduced her to lemon bars and she ate a whole pan and then threw up one time she knew it was coming but they were just SO GOOD.

Pietro: Everything. So much. People know his powers include increased metabolism, but they don’t really GET IT. Steve will go to order pizza like “so you think 20 is good for all of us I know you eat a lot” and he’s just like “20 for me” “haha- right” “No. you don’t understand. You will all starve.” But he also has the terrible habit of eating too fast (surprise surprise) and makes himself sick. 7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

Wanda: Definitely a “no time you enjoyed spending is wasted” type person. She loves to read and do her nails and listen to music.

Pietro: wasting time makes him anxious- unless it’s quiet time with Wanda. But even that is up for criticism if it lasts too long. He won’t complain to her, but he gets restless and fidgety until she tells him to go do something to get him to calm down.

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

They used to smoke sometimes in Sokovia- mostly when it was cold and they had to sleep outside. They don’t anymore, but sometimes get a craving they have to try to replace with something else.

Wanda: Collecting things like jewelry and decorations for her room. And sweets. Fancy looseleaf tea.

Pietro: Doesn’t really think of things as indulgences. He does what he wants or needs and then moves on. 9. Makeup?

Wanda: Loves it. Feels stupid and underprepared for her day without it.

Pietro: Doesn’t like it on himself, but helps Wanda with hers. 10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Woah boy. Can you say holy codependency batman? I don’t think either of the twins could ever get over this. Canon universe, I think grieving Pietro is going to be a lifelong process for Wanda. There’s just no way she can ever “move on” from the loss of him. Au- I think they could both work on some of their other issues and relax enough to form relationships outside of one another, but the codependency would never go away. They would still bounce back to “no one matters but us” the moment they are threatened. Neither of them will likely ever see this as a problem. They recognize that others do though, which only feeds into their “no one understands” complex.

They both have phobias and ptsd from their chidlhood traumas. Mostly these show as little things, but on a bad day, can be an issue. Claustrophobia and being tethered or incapacitated during crisis are always issues. Typical stuff like night terrors crop up regularly.

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Their formal education ended at 10- as they skipped out on the foster system out of fear they would be separated. They would often spend time in the city’s library, as it was one of the few places that wouldn’t kick them out for not buying anything.

Wanda insisted they learn English. She thought it would come in useful on their mission to kill Stark. She also likes reading, though mostly fiction.

Pietro struggled with learning English because he’s easily frustrated and hates feeling stupid. He reads well when he finds something that interests him, but very rarely has the patience to sit and read for long periods of time. 12. Favorite book genre?

Wanda: Gothic romance and horror. Bronte, Shelley, Morrison, Jackson, some O’Connor.

Pietro: Would rather ask Wanda to read aloud whatever she’s reading than pick his own. He likes them though- particularly things with dry shows of humor and scathing judgements of social norms. He keeps his love of Vonnegut quiet, as Wanda can’t stand him. 13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

((we already talked about this a bit))

Wanda: I waffle on this depending on the story I’m telling. My two favorite Wanda sexualities are Bi!Wanda and Ace!Wanda. Like hard ace. Zero interest. Not repulsed, just uncomfortable with the idea of sex in relation to herself and her own body. Not particularly educated about different sexualites. Probably didn’t know there was a word for being asexual until much later in life.

Pietro: I love my dead bi son. Ditto above on education. But definitely observant enough to know differing preferences aren’t all that unusual.

Both of them don’t talk about sexuality much- not in a private or “i don’t like labels” kind of way, just in a “if i want to have sex with you, you will know. and if I don’t, then it’s not likely to come up” kind of way. 14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

They both have faded, but still note-worthy scars from the bombing rubble. Wanda low key never has bare legs and Pietro never goes sleeveless.

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

Wanda: Depending on what part of canon or au we’re talking about, could be variations on “get through the week” and “make pietro smile”

Pietro: Always “get through the week” and “Make wanda smile.”

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Before AoU, both of them had the goal of living long enough to kill Tony. Smallest would have been “find out what to do after.”

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

I wrote a big long rant about the twins’ costuming/character design once this is MY JAM.

Wanda: Woah boy does she love her clothes. She loves collecting new pieces that she can layer. Jewelry is a must. She feels naked and vulnerable without it. Loves the aesthetic of fashion but doesn’t think much about how her body looks in it. Feels weirdly self conscious in light colors.

Pietro: comfort is #1, but it is not his lone concern. Almost opposite of Wanda- pretty bland aesthetic tastes, but likes how he looks in some things over others. Low key very aware that warm colors wash him out. Used to wear charms from their mother around his wrists or neck but they’ve all since been lost or broken or stolen. Wanda pierced one of his ears when he helped her do hers, but he rarely wears anything in it. (There was a shot in aou where pietro turns his head and you can see Aaron Taylor Johnson has a pierced ear and it just struck me as a very accurate twin scene like *smol Wanda holds up a needle and a handful of snow* “come pietro - were pierce our ears now” “nice.”)

18. Favorite beverage?

Wanda: Teateatea always tea.

Pietro: Constantly hydrating. Metabolism thing.

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Wanda: Long term plans. Starts with what she has to do the next day, the next week, the next month, etc. Doesn’t always help her sleep though.

Pietro: Short term plans. All the things he wants to get done the next day/should be getting done instead of sleeping. Almost never helps him sleep.

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

Occasional illnesses as children. After the bombings they both got sick on the street a lot. Pietro would always try to steal a wallet and get a hotel room whenever they were ill. Or at least befriend someone enough to stay with them.

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

Wanda: Ons: Tall men, women with curly hair, good tattoos, slow hands on her thighs, neck kisses, leaving marks with her teeth and nails, wall/counter sex, drunk/buzzed sex, the low-key voyeurism of whispering dirty things in public, slow, passionate makeouts that slowly and steadily build into faster and rougher sex. Offs: fetishizing innocence/inexperience (certain guys think her stockings are a sign of being into a schoolgirl vibe but any type of age roleplay is a hard stop for her), her partner setting the pace without give and take, being called “cute” or “sweet,” having her hair pulled, anyone who dislikes pietro.

Pietro: Ons: men’s forearms, curvy women, and…. a… few fetishes… biting, hair pulling/playing, drunk/buzzed sex, basic restraints, oral fixation but most of all PRAISE KINK and he doesn’t want to talk about it not at all don’t bring it up please for the love of god don’t make it A Thing. Sam wants to talk about it Sam Wilson wants to talk about it a lot. Offs: people who think sexual intimacy means affection is now acceptable, being laughed at, people who think they’ve “figured him out,” anyone who dislikes wanda.

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

Wanda: vague doodles. Patterns and motifs. Sometimes lists and plans, but most of that is mental.

Pietro: little mini comics that will make wanda laugh. (during team meetings he draws little stick!steve and stick!tony arguing and the scene gets more and more elaborate until stick!stony makeouts happen and wanda just fucking loses it in the middle of tony discussing new tech.)

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

Wanda: Organized to herself. Clutter that only she understands. No one can find anything in her room if they need to, but she knows exactly where everything is.

Pietro: Very simple and organized, but he is That Guy who has The Chair or The Drawer where things kind of build up until he doesn’t remember what’s all on/in there.

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

Wanda: loves literature and language.

Pietro: is a better storyteller than a writer. Wanda says there’s no difference but he disagrees.

After his death she tries writing down some of his stories but he was right.

25.How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

pre ultron: dead. Both of them.

Post: Wanda just keeps trying to find more things she can do to help others and make amends. Pietro would join her if he were alive.

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

Kinda the same as above. No real back up - they will either succeed or die.

27. What is their biggest regret?

pre ultron: not being able to help their parents and not realizing what the true nature of the SHIELD facility was until it was too late.

Wanda in post aou: every single thing about that day.

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Friend - each other.

Enemy: Tony until post ultron, then they wouldn’t really know. Part of the experience of it all is learning things aren’t as simple as friends and enemies.

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

Of course, as children, their instinct was to stick together and hide. As adults, pietro handles any immediate danger, and looks to Wanda for the plan once there is a moment.

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

They didn’t have time to grieve their parents. Wanda screamed for days after sokovia, then was basically catatonic for weeks. In a nice au… I don’t know. If they started getting close to others, then lost someone, I think pietro would get anxious and want to do something, while Wanda would close off and try to keep him close to her.

31. Most prized possession?

Wanda has the jewelry and clothes that Pietro stole from her. She likes mixing up her wardrobe, but those ones are special.

Pietro doesn’t keep much long enough for it to be “prized.” He keeps track of things very well, but once its outlived its use its gone. He still feels guilty about the charms though, and if any had survived, he would take special care of them.

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

They both feel they should not get too attached because they have lived so long only keeping what they can carry, but that has also meant they are very protective of the things they have.

33. Concept of home and family?

Each other. Always. They did feel a sense of home and loyalty to their city, which is part of the reason they never tried to leave.

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

Wanda: Wanda is very private. Part of the reason is that she realizes how much of oneself is constructed deliberately due to her powers and natural knack for perception. So she likes giving people as little to work with as possible. It gives her a sense of control. However, she is more likely to feel close enough to someone to tell them things that she wouldn’t tell strangers. Whereas....

Pietro: Private about some things, VERY blunt about others. Sort of the opposite of how most people might be. He’s the one to tell the story of their parents’ deaths, every time. And ah- certain subjects don’t make him uncomfortable. Ex: one time, bruce and helen set the whole team of enhanced avengers down to talk about different aspects of their abilities for their records and when it was Pietro’s turn- “I eat a lot, I’m fast, I don’t need to piss as much as you’d think from how much i hydrate? so that’s nice. I heal fast, don’t seem to bruise from blunt impact, oh- and my refractory period is like- 30 seconds.” and everyone just “.....kay”

And of course, they have no secrets from each other. Zero sense of privacy between the two of them- like how they share a personal bubble.

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

Wanda: Like I said, doesn’t see things she likes as a waste of time- that is, unless there is currently something she can actively do to meet a goal. But she values planning time and that can be done while doing the things she enjoys.

Pietro: Flirting. He is a hopeless flirt (see deleted scenes from aou) and enjoys it, but honeslty he thinks it’s kind of silly. Either someone is into you or they’re not. Flirting is like the “how are you? say hi to your mom” of sex.

36. What makes them feel guilty?

Before Ultron: Nothing but their parents.

After: everything.

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Wanda: both. Her emotions fuel her, but she’s too practical to go with the first plan that pops into her head. she feels she owes it to the validity of her anger and guilt to take the best course of action.

Pietro: definitely emotional. He analyzes just enough not to make things immediately worse, then acts.

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

Wouldn’t know what that is.

Post AoU, Wanda reads more about psychology to help understand how her powers work. Once she comes across this, she’s educated enough to know how simplistic and meaningless it is.

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Time together.

Post AoU Wanda: Time alone. Doing something that makes her feel like herself like drinking tea or painting her nails.

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

Wanda: Bit of both, but leaning more towards superiority. But it’s less superiority, more utter confidence and faith in herself- even when misplaced.

Pietro: Bit of both, leaning towards inferiority. Scared he’s not enough to protect wanda or get them what they want.

41. How misanthropic are they?

Can be a weird mix. They hate what people are capable of doing to one another, which comes from the empathy of seeing themselves and others hurt.

42. Hobbies?

Wanda: the reading, fashion pursuits, etc. With the team, she’s gotten to try more things like cooking and music.

Pietro: He feels good when he’s running. Not even to speed. Just running is something he’s good at and he likes doing things he’s good at.

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

(am i going crazy i feel like i answered some of these like four times)

Their formal education ended at age 10. Skipped out on the foster system and the attached public ed.

44. Religion?

Their father was jewish, but somewhere about halfway between “observant” and “christmas tree jewish.” After the bombings, they have almost no residual faith and a pretty antagonistic attitude toward organized religion.

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

Their mother was Romni and used to give them charms and things to carry for luck and protection. She herself took the customs only vaguely seriously and just followed most out of cultural tradition more than anything. Wanda thought it was all very serious and magical when they were young, but after the bombings refuses to talk about it. As previously stated, Pietro used to carry the charms very carefully, but they didn’t have any on them when they were pulled out of the rubble and he tries to act like it doesn’t bother him that they don’t continue on with the traditions, but it does. He hasn’t told Wanda (she knows anyway), but he found a holed stone a year after their parents’ deaths, but lost it immediately. He still thinks it was a sign he’s meant for bad luck.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Wanda: speaks for the two of them, most often. Except when it comes to sharing stories. That’s where Pietro steps in.

Pietro: Makes Wanda’s will into action. Usually leaves the talking to her.

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Wanda: Someone who doesn’t necessarily understand her, but does not seek to unravel or change her. She might have a tendency to desire partners who are possibly too passive when it comes to her. This prevents her from healthy relationships a lot. She has no patience for criticism, no matter if it is about somethign superficial, or about something genuinely concerning, like her self-destructive tendencies.

Pietro: Tends to confuse what he wants, which ends messily every time. He doesn’t consciously want a serious commitment, but unconsciously sort of... expects it? This goes one of two ways- his partner takes the relationship seriously and he doesn’t, which means he is callous and flippant with them OR his partner doesn’t take things seriously and he’s frustrated and hurt that he is such a minor event in someone else’s life.

The twins are... not good at dating.

HOWEVER, given the opportunity post aou, I think they would both try to improve their empathy and interpersonal skills a little better. Wanda would do well with someone who actively encourages her to express herself and step outside of her own head, but doesn’t get pushy. Pietro would do well with someone conscientious, but who would also coax him not to take himself so seriously.

48. How do they express love?

With one another: Protectiveness. The way Pietro always has his back, but Wanda is always standing between him and known danger. Physical affection/their shared personal bubble.

With befriending the rest of the team, they would struggle for a time. But eventually Wanda starts making two cups of tea when someone else is in the kitchen with her and Pietro starts smiling, just a little, at their jokes instead of rolling his eyes.

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Wanda: It’s not exactly speed that’s her strong point, she’s just ABRUPT. even before the experiments, she was very good at reading people and situations. She can tell when a fight is inevitable, and once diffusion is no longer an option, she will strike first and not fast, not stopping to let anyone get their footing. Dirty fighting. Knees and nails and big jagged rings.

Pietro: Big surprise- fast. But also very- full bodied. I love the way that with his speed, Pietro’s attacks in aou are mostly just “run into robot so fast it just falls apart.” I feel like that’s not just the powers, but also how he does things. Just kind of throws himself at/on people and hits with anything he’s got. Fast and dirty. No kidney or testicle is safe.

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

Wanda: Pre aou: not if it’s together. Post: no. Would be somewhat of a relief. Finally going home after a long day. Wherever she’s going, it’s the same place as Pietro.

Pietro: Yes yes oh god yes.

#maximoff twins #codependent supertwins #long post #such a fucking long post #i'd say i'm sorry but if this surprises you in any way you probably should have unfollowed a long time ago #character meme #do it for the meme #asks #@essayofthoughts

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your-iron-lung · 8 years ago

Text

Mixed Up 1 | Saturday Morning Coming Down |

Chapter Word Count: 3278

Pairings: Zoro/Sanji

Genre: Comedy, Humor, Drama, Romance

Summary: On one fateful Saturday, Sanji finds himself getting mixed up with the annoying, irritable, and generally hated punk that lives in the apartment three floors above him, only to discover that he isn't as cruel and thoughtless as his neighbours have made him out to be.

He then finds himself rapidly being submerged into a violent subculture he'd had no interest in before, and can't seem to find his way back out of. Pretty girls, good music, and rough attitudes mix with a form of camaraderie that can only be found in the underground world of punk rock.

'You need a hobby', his old man had told him only a few days before. He wondered; did this count? A punk (eventual ZoSan) AU.

Chapter Warning: Strong language

Next Chapter: 2

Swearing under his breath, Sanji swore that this sort of thing was just his kind of luck. Saturdays always were a particularly hard day for him.

He didn't mind being scheduled to work on weekends because the full-time pay was nice, but for whatever reason, he always, always, always had a hard time getting them started; be it via unintentionally oversleeping, or plain old forgetting to set his alarm, it seemed- to Sanji, at least- that Saturdays were out to ruin him.

He had never in his history of working at the Baratie been able to make it into work on a Saturday on time. There was always some delay that set him back, and when this pattern had been noticed by the scheduling staff, they'd tried to accommodate for his lateness by scheduling his shifts at slightly altered times in hopes that it'd allow him to come in on time, but even then, he was inevitably late.

Nobody could figure out why.

So it came as no surprise to him, then, that as per his weekly routine, this Saturday decided to thwart him by giving him car troubles.

Twenty minutes before his shift started, Sanji was sat struggling to start his car.

The engine gagged and rolled over with every attempt to get it to start, and in the afternoon's cold sun, Sanji cursed whatever deity it was that ruled over Saturdays. He considered begging for its forgiveness as he hopped out of the drivers seat and walked around to pop the hood, but decided to curse the lord instead as he stared forlornly down at the dead battery.

Scowling, he let the hood slam shut; no amount of poking and prodding could revive the dead. Sanji growled and turned the collar of his coat up against the chill winter wind as he dropped himself to sit on the hood of his car, wondering about what he ought to do. Twisting his face into an irritable expression, he considered his options.

Option one had him running after the city bus to try and catch a ride, though he didn't know its schedule, nor its fare, and honestly didn't want to be seen running like a fool for the public transport. Option two was to call up a friend and have them come round to give his car a jump, but the only people he knew with a car were either already at work or lived too far away for them to be of any timely use.

He shivered as the wind blew by and scowled. Rubbing his hands together for warmth, he watched his breath solidify in the air, encouraging his need for a cigarette.

He dug one of his chilled hands into the pocket of his overcoat and withdrew his pack. Tapping the pack to pop one out, he took it and began tamping it on the back of his hand before sticking it in his mouth. After he'd put it between his lips, he put his pack away again and cupped his hands around the cigarette to bring it to light.

Inhaling and shoving his hands into the pockets of his coat, he considered that option three was to just call in sick and take the day off. With this realization, Sanji sighed as he drew in another breath of smoke, and exhaled through his nose.

He really didn't want to have to call in sick; he genuinely enjoyed working at the Baratie, and he knew that, being the head-chef, the quality of the food served would slip if he didn't show up. And beyond that, he didn't trust his subordinates as far as he could throw them (which, admittedly, was pretty far) to run the kitchen properly.

If he called in sick today, the Baratie would be in shambles by tomorrow.

Grumbling angrily to himself about all the responsibilities he'd accumulated in his young age, he cast his gaze skywards and narrowed his eyes towards where he thought the lord of Saturdays was likely to be seated, perhaps on the grandest cloud, undoubtedly laughing at him.

'O' great, merciful lord of the weekend,' he thought, squinting and baring his teeth. 'Fuck you.'

As he blew a smoke ring in the direction of heaven (and then inserted his middle finger through it), option four presented itself to him.

A great ruckus in the stairwell of his apartment building caught his attention as a heavy and repetitive thunking noise came down the stairs. Sanji knew what it was; everyone who lived in the complex knew what it was, and as it reached the end of the steps and stepped out onto the parking lot's sidewalk, Sanji saw his last option step onto the scene.

It just so happened that his last option was the much-hated terror of the apartment building's community.

He was a green-haired punk with a bad attitude and an aura that demanded he be left alone. Absorbed in his own world of tight, acid-washed jeans and over-sized leather jackets, he was normally accompanied by his monster of a dog and was nearly impossible to approach on any given occasion.

Sanji watched him pause by the steps and crouch down to do up the loose laces of one of his boots and noted the way the gig bag he had on slid up the length of his back. The tip of the tall guitar almost touched the pavement as Sanji found himself wondering if it'd be safe to approach him, as no one he knew seemed to have anything nice to say about the man. Normally, the guy was nigh unapproachable; any past attempts that anyone could recall of trying to socialize with him had been met with his dog viciously intervening.

The man's dog was truly a menace, and if his neighbours' words were anything to go by, the man himself wasn't any better. His dog was much larger than the allotted pet weight limit allowed for residents to keep, and no one could figure out why the two hadn't been evicted yet.

The dog in question was a great, brown, beastly mutt that was constantly straining at its leash and snapping at people that happened to be nearby. The punk never said a word of command to it, and looked as though he could barely keep it in line when it lunged at people. Without the dog by his side, though, Sanji didn't know what to expect should he try to initiate anything.

Normally, he would have kept his distance. Normally, he would have left well enough alone and conceded defeat to whatever it was that didn't want him working on Saturdays.

But today was not normal. Today was Saturday.

Drawing in an anxious breath of nicotine, he let it go and stood up as the man finished tying up his boot.

"Hey," Sanji said, addressing the punk from a few empty parking spots away. Met with either indifference or ignorance, he scowled and held his cigarette in hand as he called out, "Oi, I'm talking to you."

Unable to tell still if he was being purposefully ignored, Sanji called out louder with more than a slight hint of annoyance in his voice.

"Hey, punk!"

Finally having seemed to catch on to Sanji's attempts at his attention, the punk spared him a glance and froze in place. Sanji stared at him expectantly as the man began to look around him, turning around stupidly before looking back to face his caller. It almost looked as though the guy was asking if Sanji was looking to pick a fight with him, but even as he prepared himself for the worst, the green-haired man took on an inquisitive look as he dumbly jabbed himself in the chest.

Rolling his eyes, Sanji nodded, relieved.

"Yes, you, dammit; get over here, I need some help."

To Sanji's surprise, the man approached him devoid of all of his usual machismo. He seemed almost affable when he came close enough to ask, "What's up?"

Sanji faltered, not having expected the punk to be the least bit friendly. Recalling his neighbours' stories about how the man's attitude was so rudely displaced, Sanji began to find himself wondering if the amount of bias that seemed to be stacked against him wasn't entirely undeserved.

The ash line of his cigarette grew longer as he caught himself staring at the three safety pins that lined the punk's left ear, and when the man's eyebrows began to furrow, Sanji remembered his intentions.

"My car won't start," he said lamely, gesturing to his car as he tapped the ash off his cigarette. "Wondered if you might be able to give me a jump."

"Oh." The punk turned from Sanji to look at the impotent car. He continued to stare at it silently for a moment before he said, "Well, I would if I could, but I ride a 'cycle, so I can't."

"Dammit," Sanji found himself cursing, turning away angrily to kick at one of his tires. "Shit. Thanks for nothing."

Royally peeved at how his day was turning out, Sanji couldn't help but diss everyone and everything around him, and though he wasn't afraid of fighting the punk, he found himself almost regretting having called the guy out on his uselessness. He really didn't need this Saturday to be any worse than it already was.

To his immense relief, the once fearsome man merely snorted at his comments.

"Hey, it's not my fault, asshole," he said, looking more amused than annoyed at his antics.

"Shit, whatever," Sanji said, sighing heavily and resting back against his car. "Fuck me, though, you were my last hope."

With all his options dashed, Sanji relented and decided he had no other choice but to fall back onto option three. As he finished off his cigarette, flicking the butt to the side, he leaned up a bit to dig out his cellphone from the deeper reaches of his coat pocket. As he dragged his finger to unlock the screen, he looked up and noticed the punk was still waiting around on him.

"What?" Sanji asked, turning away to glance at the screen in his hand.

"I can give you a ride, if you really need it," the punk said with a slightly questioning tone. "I was about to head out before your dumbass called me over here."

Ignoring the insult, Sanji looked up from his phone and hoped that he didn't look too desperately hopeful at the suggestion.

"Yeah?"

"Sure, yeah." The guy shrugged lazily. "I mean, if you don't mind riding bitch."

Sanji pursed his lips at the terminology and saw that his acquaintance was giving him a bemused grin. Rising to the challenge, Sanji shrugged.

"Fine, I don't care, I just really need to get in to work," he said, standing up again. He glanced at the time on his phone before pocketing it. "I got ten minutes before I'm late; think you can manage that?"

The green haired man grinned.

"The pressure's on."

As he stepped away, Sanji walked back around to the driver's side door of his car and locked it before following the punk to his motorcycle. The man slipped the gig bag off his back and handed it over to Sanji as he straddled himself across the motorcycle's seat.

"You're going to have to carry that while we ride," he said, slipping his key into the ignition and revving the motorcycle to life. "It catches wind, so don't fall off or anything."

Sanji frowned as he strapped the tall guitar to his back.

"And if I do?"

"Then you'll have to buy me a new bass," he said, looking entirely serious as he reached down to pick up an old-school helmet, which he then passed to Sanji.

"Asshole," Sanji grumbled as he put the helmet on and buckled it. He felt stiff as he mounted the bike, trying to manuever while hte guitar force his back to remain in an upright position while he slid onto the seat behind him.

Hesitantly, he draped his hands over the punk's shoulders and tried not to lean in too close, as the pointed studs that lined the crude back patch of his leather coat pressed into him uncomfortably. The motorcycle's engine revved loudly, and Sanji found himself lifting his feet as they were carefully backed out of the parking space.

"Where do you work?" The man had to shout to be heard over the noise of the engine.

"The Baratie," Sanji shouted back, making sure to yell as directly into the punk's ear as possible, and grinned when he saw him wince. "Over on East Sambas street."

The man didn't reply, but sat still for a moment, as though he were thinking about what the best route to take would be. Just as Sanji was about to ask if he knew where that was, the man started them forward, and then they were off.

True to his word, the tall guitar caught a lot of wind resistance as they rode, initially causing Sanji to fear flying off the back. He had to strengthen his hold over the driver as the resistance tried to drag him back, but when they got into the city, their speed dropped to comply with the inner-city speed limit and he found himself relaxing as the wind lost most of its force.

Their surroundings became familiar the longer they rode on, and Sanji felt relief flood him as he thought that he might be able to make it in on time after all. Looking over the punk's shoulder, he could see that they were approaching the Sambas street intersection, and was about to celebrate his success, when his ride drove straight past it.

Confused, Sanji turned back around to watch the street fade back as they rode further away from it. He wondered if the man perhaps knew of some short cut to get him to the Baratie even quicker, but this thought quickly disappeared as soon as he realized that the man's slowed speed meant that he was lost.

"Hey," Sanji said, trying to raise his voice over both the wind and the motorcycle's motor as they rode through unfamiliar streets. "Hey!"

"What?" The guy said, turning his head to glance back at him quickly.

"Where the hell are we going?!"

Instead of replying, the man pulled to the side and stopped to park beside the street sidewalk, using his legs to prop the motorcycle up.

"What?" he repeated when they'd stopped, looking annoyed.

"I said, where the hell are we going? Sambas street was 5 blocks back!" Cross, Sanji got off the back of the motorcycle to pull out his phone and check the time. He thought that they'd been making good time, but this setback had officially made him late. "Goddammit, now I'm late. Good going, shithead."

"Hey," the punk said angrily, putting down the kickstand for his bike to join Sanji on the sidewalk. "I didn't have to give you a ride, you know; a little word of thanks would be appreciated."

"Oh, yeah, sure; thanks for making me late!" Sanji scowled and undid the bike helmet, shoving it roughly into the punk's hands. "I can't believe you drove straight past it. Are you fucking blind?"

"Well fuck you too," the green-haired man retorted, dropping his helmet onto the motorcycle's seat. Sanji couldn't tell if the red in his face was from embarrassment or from riding against the cold.

"What's your fucking phone number?" Sanji demanded, unlocking his phone and navigating to the contacts folder. He shrugged out of the man's guitar bag and all but threw it at him as the punk stared at him. "Well? Come on then, asshole, I don't have all day."

"I'm between phones right now," he said slowly, narrowing his eyes at Sanji as he put the guitar on his back. "What the fuck do you need it for?"

"So I know I have a ride home after my shift ends." Sanji sighed as he typed up the name for the new contact, labeling it 'Idiot Marimo' for the time being.

"What the fuck makes you think I'm giving you a ride home?" the man snapped angrily.

"Because, shithead, you made me late; you owe me now."

"Like hell I do," he said with a snarl, turning to get back on his bike. "Call a fucking cab or something; it's not my fault your car died on you. It's not my responsibility to keep driving your ungrateful ass around."

Sanji grabbed hold of his shoulder and pulled him back before he could remount the bike. The motorcyclist looked about ready to start a fight, then, clenching his fists and stepping in dangerously close to his person, but Sanji ignored his mean look as he calmly took out his pack of cigarettes and fished one out to light.

Inhaling and exhaling slowly in an effort to diffuse the situation, Sanji turned an even look on the man and was met with a mild expression of annoyance.

"Look, fucker, don't make this hard on me. Just give me something I can fucking reach you at by the end of my shift so I don't have to waste my money on some sketchy late night transportation when I'm probably gonna have to spend all I have on a new battery for my piece of shit car anyway, alright?"

The man looked unwilling still, but as they stood there in the cold on the edge of the sidewalk, eyeing each other warily, he ended up sighing and conceding.

"Fine. Fine, fine. Jesus, you're fucking annoying though," he said, and held out his hand for Sanji's phone.

He was almost afraid that the guy was going to take it and break it, just to spite him, and so was hesitant in handing it over, but once it traded hands, Sanji realized that the guy had no intention of wrecking it.

Sanji watched as the guy typed in some kind of contact info, and looked it over when his phone was passed back to him. He stared blankly at what was typed in the section that stored e-mail addresses, and could feel his irritation reach a new threshold as he read what was written.

"'Wildslutangel22 at Yahoo? Are you shitting me?" Gritting his teeth, Sanji glowered at the punk angrily. "Are you for real right now? Swear to god if you're fucking with me-"

"Nah, it's totally legit," the man said, laughing. "It just blows people's minds when I tell 'em it's mine. It's hilarious."

"Christ, you are a real piece of work, you know that?" Sanji said irritably as he pocketed his phone, ignoring the fact that he was now twenty minutes late for work.

"Sure do," he replied, still grinning as he covered his spiked head of hair with his helmet. "Email me a few hours beforehand so I don't forget. Or don't, so I do. And my name's Zoro, by the way; to hell with that 'Marimo' shit you're trying to pull."

Sanji gave him the middle finger as he turned away to walk back the way they'd come, only pausing long enough to turn back and yell, "Well with that shitty dye-job, how was I to know?"

He laughed when he saw that Zoro had raised both his middle fingers high up over his head. Feeling a bit better, but still pressed for time, Sanji hurried on down the street even as he saw Zoro ride by, presumably on his way to his own job.

"Fucker!" he shouted after him, and heard, but didn't see, Zoro yell "Asshole!" back over his shoulder in reply.

#one piece #one piece fanfiction #zosan #zoro/sanji #punk au #modern day au #slow burn #zosan fanfic #mixed up

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bambamramfan · 8 years ago

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Ironic Humor

How do we define it?

This is not simply dramatic irony, but rather, when someone we respect says something we would consider stupid or cruel but they say (or rather, we just know) they are being ironic.

This comes up because of the constant newsflashes around pewpewdie’s latest joke and overreaction to it, or Milo Y talking about pedophilia, or god knows what other “joke” taken awry *and also* the return of this thread about Baby It’s Cold Outside.

***

A really interesting post that is marxist-without-knowing it, is here. http://slatestarcodex.com/2014/04/22/right-is-the-new-left/ I recommend reading it when you get the chance. But I'll summarize.

The post posits that fashion tastes act like a celluar automata ladder. Celluar automata are models where a single cell, or space on a board, only cares about the spaces next to it, and follows rules based on those spaces. And yet, from these simple rules, large complex patterns can emerge across the entire board.

The post asks us to think of a class ladder of 4 cells: upper, middle, lower, underclass. Each cell has the same two rules: First priority, to imitate the cell above it, second priority to not be like the cell below it. The scenario starts off with all cells being white. Or, all members of society wear white clothes. All the cells that have someone above them are imitating the ones above them, so all is stable.

But the upper class wants to differentiate itself from the middle class. So it changes to black clothes. Next year, the middle class also changes to black clothes, so they can appear upper class. Important note: this really really happens. Look at baby names http://www.slate.com/articles/business/the_dismal_science/2005/04/trading_up.html

In the third year, two things happen: the upper class stops wearing black, and the lower class start wearing black. The upper class have no one to imitate, but they really don't want to be viewed as the middle class. But note that in changing to white, they imitate the lower and underclass.

Why is it worth being similar to the lower class and underclass just to be different from the middle class? Because the cell is confident. The way they were raised, the way they talk, the way they *wear* their clothes, means they could never be mistaken for someone as distant as lower class. Their only threat is being mistaken for middle class, who could pass as them and vice versa. (Similarly the lower class don't aspire in the first year to look upper class, it wouldn't work. Their best hope is to pass for middle class.)

So we see this cycle continue, until the upper class – being annoyed at being constantly imitated - hits on a new idea. *Purposefully dress like the lower class*. The middle class can't risk dressing like that, because they fear being mistaken in the wrong direction. The upper class style isn't the exact same as lower class, there are subtle differences they can use to reassure themselves, but it's the subtle differences that the middle class aren't expected to pick up on and will reveal themselves as poseurs. So the subtler, the vaguer, the less defined the better.

This lasts longer, until the middle class really feels safe imitating this style so associated is it with the upper class. The more punishment there is for being mistaken for lower class, the longer this stability will last.

The ideas about imitating those you want to be associated with (but plausibly could pass as), and changing to be different from those you fear being associated with (but plausibly could be mistaken for) are decent important lessons we can all reflect on.

But what really gets me is the result that: the upper class purposefully imitates the lower class as a way of shoring itself up. This is fascinating.

Mark Zuckerberg is famous for being a billionaire who wears a hooded sweatshirt a lot. This is supposed to be a sign that he doesn't care about his appearance. It is instead a sign of *how much* he cares about appearance. He could wear any random thing he wanted, but wears what the other people he interacts with can't get away with. (And this is true for many dressing-down computer geeks in good jobs.)

***

It is important to remember that all class, all status, all appearance is an illusion. There is no essentialist truth of whether you are "at heart a rich person", that means you can't ever be truly poor. Only a series of subtler signals you trust to defend you from being seen as poor. Similarly for charisma, what works to clearly and boldly distinguish you from the awkward people in some situations will fail you in others.

But these illusions are very real and matter a lot. They determine how people treat us. And we've internalized them as true, so when we fight for them we feel we are fighting both for the tangible benefits, and the sanctity of our identity. And because of the relative class ladder, any gains we make make some others feel they are losing something (damn middle class stop thinking they are as good as us.)

It's also important that this constant struggle makes us constantly unhappy.

***

Now the way tribal slurs work make a lot more sense. We all know how oppressed groups have taken words that were used to insult them, and instead use them affectionately with each other. The controversy of the racist and sexist terms I think obscures how common this is. Nerds use the term geek, military folks use the term jarhead, midwesterners use hoosier, extreme christians use the term fundie. All these are at once insults from the enemy, and affectionate monikers among each other.

This is sometimes described as appropriating the terms, and showing your power by taking possession of a word (like the enemy's gun) is one aspect of what's going on. But that overstates the process I think. If the word's meaning was changed, then that would apply to everyone. By acknowledging that the word is still a slur when it comes out of the mouths of people outside your tribe, you acknowledge the meaning hasn't really been changed. So that's not the (full) dynamic that's going on.

But under fashion theory, it makes perfect sense.

Imagine there are three groups in ascending moral order. Martians (who have been persecuted since they fled their exploding planet), friends of Martians who now feel guilty for all the persecution Martians have suffered, and anti-Martian bigots. The bigots used the term "redder" to refer to Martians. And one day, the Martians start using the word redder too. So some friends of Martians, wonder why they can't use redder. After all, they aren't bigots so when they use the term it won't have that slur meaning. How could you possibly mistake the friend of Martians for a bigot? Their best friend is Martian.

The Martians know you aren't a bigot. You aren't lower class. But you are middle class pretending to be upper class. And they would like you to know, that instead you are a middle class at risk of being seen as lower class. If you continue to try to rebel against the class structure, then they will eventually decide you actually lower class. And by the nature of appearance, the judgment of others that you are lower class will make you lower class.

You own internal beliefs about Martians and bigotry don't enter into it. No one can directly observe them.

And for now, no matter what your beliefs are, you can't pass as upper class. You will never be an actual Martian.

But, ahha, you the middle class friend thinks. You have so much credibility with some Martians – so many friends, so many hours spent fighting for their cause, you know how to cook their recipes, you adopted a Martian daughter – that many of them do consider you one of them. So you can safely use the term redder, and have used it meaning the better meaning on many occasions. Other Martians were fine with it.

That was elsewhere. This is here. You thought you could pass with others, but those "subtle signals" you trust don't actually shield you in all situations. There is no truth to whether, deep down, you are a Martian or a bigot. There is just the appearance, and at this point, you appear as a middle class person looking lower class.

Stop imitating us or we will get very angry.

(The Martian case is understandable here too. Tribal cohesion and identity is important to people. The Martians these days rarely interact with bigots. But they do interact with middle class friends of Martians all the time. They need to ruthlessly patrol the boundaries between their tribe and the closest.)

This becomes an identity fight (am I Martian or not) and everyone is miserable.

***

Irony at this point should be obvious. I can write a blog praising Jar Jar Binks, a character associated with childish writing and lack of intellect. But no one thinks of me as someone who likes those things (I'm not lower class), so by praising him I separate myself from all the middle class people who merely dislike Jar Jar Binks. I like him at a higher level, thus elevating my perceived intellect. The real risky thing for me to do would instead to talk about how much I loved Lord of the Rings.

Check out how many film critics and academics love pro-wrestling and bad slasher horror movies.

(Hilariously, from a distance, I look just like someone who non-ironically appreciates Jar Jar Binks, and arguments about the different reasons we like the character look like two comic book nerds arguing: http://www.theonion.com/articles/i-appreciate-the-muppets-on-a-much-deeper-level-th,16208/ )

When someone is being ironically sexist, they are not just talking about themselves versus the sexists. They are positing a middle group that is not an obvious bigot, but needs to watch themselves and toe the line.

Liberal egalitarians rebel against this analysis. A joke should be the same whether it comes from a female mathematician or a male mathematician, right? There must be something inherent in the joke that if we break it down, we can find the sexism or lack thereof.

But we're not really talking about the joke. In fact the joke (whether sexist or ironic) has trivial impact on like anyone at all. What it does is tell us about the person who said it. And there's nothing egalitarian in using signals to analyze who someone really is, we are by definition judging and ranking them already. So yes, an ironic joke has to mean something different coming from someone with real credibility. (Where by "mean something" we refer solely to "what it says about the speaker".)

We at once believe there is a difference, and yet will always resist it. It must be definitionally indistinguishable, and undefinably distinct. If you defined an element of a joke that makes it ironic (it has to be satire, or not delivered in this specific way, or…) then the middle class could safely start using it. And that is very much against the point. But if you said "nope it's entirely about who said it" then you would give the lie to liberal egalitarianism. A lie we can't resist right now.

Liberals barely manage to struggle with the idea that certain four and six letter words are off limits to them when talking about other races. How could they accept that a whole sphere of jokes is disallowed to them?

(Ideology is contradiction. The rules must neither be too clear, nor too opaque.)

***

The point is that under our current social system, this type of dynamic is constant. The upper class (whatever group is respected most in any particular scenario) will imitate a lower class behavior, and some of the middle class will think they can imitate that, and they will get *smacked down hard*.

And because appearance is very different based on perspective, people go into these status contests with very different assumptions, and other people fight to disabuse them of their perspective and instead enforce the moral rightness of their own perspective.

This is of course, not the only dynamic going on in any social situation. But it's a common one and one designed to lead to misery. Thinking you are trending upper class but being told you're actually at risk of lower class is a huge source of anxiety, and will cause fierce arguments and internal anger.

***

The scandal referred to as #Shirtgate (haha, I am ironically using a phrase that MRA types used to describe it, only because the reader knows for certain I don’t think it’s actually a scandal worthy of the word gate) is a perfect example of this.

In short, a scientist who was part of the team that landed a rover on a comet, did a televised interview wearing the shirt you’ll see here http://www.newstatesman.com/sites/default/files/styles/fullnode_image/public/blogs_2014/11/shirtgate.png?itok=HZIEUWip .

It has half dressed women on it. Accordingly, he thought it was ironic. As evidence for his good intent, he has many signals typical of being a liberal hipster. In particular the shirt was made for him by a feminist female friend, and with all of that he presumably thought he was secure in the shirt being read as a signal of the upper class (unimpeachably not sexist) instead of the lower class (very sexist.)

If Ruth Bader Ginsburg had walked in wearing that shirt, we would have laughed. We should have laughed, because the image of her in that shirt is pretty funny. A bearded middle aged hipster guy, is less convincing of irony and thus less funny. (Even if his has other traits and history that might make him think him being sexist is as absurd as RBG).

Shirtguy publicly apologized, and vocal critics accepted this. This was shown as evidence of mercy, but is in fact entirely the point. He admitted that he is middle class (not blatantly sexist, but potentially so) and stopped fronting as upper class, and the upper class was glad that this boundary had been policed. That is the ideal class sustaining outcome. If Shirtguy rebelled and fought to prove his irony, he would have been relegated to lower class (assumed bigot), but it would have created an enemy and more dissatisfaction with the class system.

The public claim for this criticism was that the shirt showed how women are objectified in science and why many women stay out of science. This is entirely fitting. By objectified, the critics mean “the shirt reveals that the guy has intent to view women as objects”. If the shirt was worn by someone (like Ruth Bader Ginsburg) who was unimpeachable, then it couldn’t represent that. The shirt is saying that to them because of who wears it, and the other signals he flies.

His actual, true inner intent is irrelevant of course. It can’t be measured objectively, and is just something people use various signals to theorize about.

He thought (in another context) he was upper class enough to wear irony. In the more public context, he was not.

***

Reading this, it’s easy to blame the upper class (of any particular scenario). But even the upper class is oppressed by this. Mark Zuckerberg’s dress style is still determined. And even when enforcing these class boundaries, they are unhappy - afraid, angry, and even paranoid. The cycle demands sympathy for everyone involved.

And the band for the middle class, the distance between unimpeachably pure and possible bigot is much thinner than we expect, especially when we add in variance for different perspectives. We are all surrounded by class anxiety, even those at the top.

***

So now I have to reevaluate how I use irony. I like irony, it makes me laugh a lot. Jon Bois is one of the funniest writers I know, and he's clearly "separating himself from middle class writers by showing he can write like a lower class (stupid) person but with subtle distinctions so we know he doesn't really mean it.”

Even if you think Jon Bois subtly distinguishes his work from the targets that his irony is mocking (and there is real skill in his writing), I’ve read other convincing ironists who simply copy paste what someone from the lower class wrote, but now under their handle. It’s still funny.

But I'm also uncomfortable being part of the status cycle of misery. It's possible that there's no way I can escape status and can never be 100% pure. We have to make choices. But this honestly feels like a fairly direct instantiation of the class ladder, too direct to just ignore.

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roththeprimordial · 6 years ago

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It's Good To Be Alive Ch.6

Story Summary: After her death, Mileena was granted a second chance, as her journey to look for allies for her new rebellion lead her to Earthrealm where she was saved by the Shirai Ryu. Having no other choice, Mileena joined the clan and became somewhat of a student to Hanzo Hasashi. Meanwhile Havik has returned and is assembling an army to get revenge on Hanzo and plunge the realms into chaos.

Check it out on Fanfiction: www.fanfiction.net/s/13285792/…

Earthrealm: Japan, The Shirai Ryu Temple, The Courtyard

Spread throughout the front courtyard of the Shirai Ryu were the standard one on one combat training, weapons training, and multiple sects of combat training exercises. The training exercises were in multiple areas of the front yard with Grandmaster Hanzo Hasashi training the biggest group. Pacing around the lined up group of Shirai Ryu as they all had synchronized fighting styles.

Hanzo eyed them as he paced back and forth, observing them like a curious doctor would on an operation. Although even with the diverse amount of different races from different realms among the group, none of them seemed to exceed more then Mileena, who was noticeably far more accurate, flexible, and fast then any of the other members.

"Doing good so far... but your blows require more strength. Faster! More accurate!... Stronger blows! A child could dodge THAT slow attack with ease! Faster! Imagine striking through your opponents chest and tearing out their heart!" Instructed Hanzo as his students listened and performed their synchronized moves to the best of their abilities.

The synchronized fighters moved faster and striked harder followed by a series of complex flips, kicks, and punches. Continuing their synchronized combat training, the Grandmaster still wandered around them with his hands behind his back and a stern expression on his face. Continuing his observation, he continued his drilling.

"Too fast! You are becoming sloppy and unfocused! I want to see more power behind those strikes! More! Faster! Good... now your opponent is dizzy and disoriented from your assault... Finish him with your final assault! And I better see a perfect side kick as your finisher! Now go!" Drilled Hanzo as his students did exactly as he commanded with a synchronized combo of lightning fast and precise punches and kicks the would even leave someone as fast as Kabal in shock.

After the lightning fast assault of punches and kicks, the group finished off their finishing move with side kicks like their Grandmaster asked of them. Although, none of them were quite perfect, except for one. The one of course being Mileena who performed the perfect side kick, sticking her leg straight into the air while splitting her legs perfectly.

The group stopped as they stood there with their legs together and their arms by their sides as they bowed to the Grandmaster of the Shirai Ryu, who stood in front of them with his arms crossed.

"Many of you did well, but not perfect. Here in the Shirai Ryu, we strive for absolute excellence. If you cannot perform a simple perfect side kick then you will not be allowed to have lunch. Those of you who have not succeeded, you shall stay out here and practice your side kick over and over until you get it right. Then you can eat. Although for those who have succeeded..." Hanzo glanced over to Mileena and Aynos who were standing in the group. "You may eat and rest. Are we clear?"

"Yes, Grandmaster." The students said in unison as they bowed and continued to practice their side kick.

As Hanzo still stood there and observed his students, Aynos walked into the temple for lunch as Mileena walked up to Hanzo as Hanzo turned to face her.

"As always, you did quite well." Complimented Hanzo as Mileena smirked under her mask.

"Well of course I did, I am the daughter of Shao Kahn after all. I was just born perfect." Said Mileena in a prideful tone as Hanzo tilted his head a bit.

"Even though you are still physically a great fighter, you still suffer from your hubris. Humility is a virtue after all." Said Hanzo as Mileena quickly rolled her eyes at that statement.

"I'm going to guess that whoever said that was someone who never felt an iota of pride in their life." Retorted Mileena as Hanzo looked over to see many of the students who Mileena was just training with were having a difficult time trying to perform the perfect side kick as Mileena took notice and looked over as well. Mileena gaining an expression of annoyance on her face spoke her mind.

"Pathetic, they are supposed to become trained warriors and they can't even perform one perfect side kick? They will never become true fighters..."

"Many of them have never fought before in their lives. They aren't like us where we were taught how to fight at a very young age, some of them are farmers or merchants while the rest are young adults. Very few of them actually being warriors. Give them time, they have strong hearts." Said Hanzo as Mileena still possessed a look of doubt on her face as Hanzo glanced at her.

"Go over there and help them out." Said Hanzo as Mileena looked over at Hanzo with a look of disbelief.

"What?!"

"You performed the side kick perfectly with no trouble, I'm sure the rest of them could benefit from your tutelage." Explained Hanzo as Mileena till possessed her look of disbelief.

"You cannot be serious, I'm not going to guide these weaklings if they can't even learn how to fight. Besides that, I can barely qualify as a teacher. As you said, I am not a 'peoples person'." Stated Mileena.

"... As I recalled, you wished for the rest of the clan to respect you, is that right?"

"Well... That is true, but what I really wanted was solitary and not-"

"I'm afraid solitary is not an option. Besides, I doubt solitary is what you truly desire. You want respect among the other Shirai Ryu... perhaps even gain a few companions." Declared the Grandmaster as the two remained silent for a moment with the both of them watching the students attempt and fail at performing the perfect side kick over and over.

"It is up to you. Don't forget our meditation later today in the Fire Garden." Said Hanzo as he placed his hands behind his back and walked off, leaving Mileena standing there in front of the training students. Mileena crossed her arms as she stood there for a few minutes and just watched the students try and fail to perform the side kick over and over for around five minutes.

All the while Mileena was contemplating what Hanzo told her, even if she did approach them and try to help them, how would she approach it? From plenty of times in the past, Mileena knew that she was terrible at starting casual conversation or offering her thoughts and opinions without seeming like an arrogant child. After several more seconds of watching the Shirai Ryu recruits try and fail, she finally relented and groaned.

Mileena walked over to one of the youngest recruits as he failed his kick and fell on the floor. But before he could get back up, he saw a shadow cast over him. The young man and several other students stopped training as they looked over to see Mileena standing over him with her hands on her hips.

"You keep failing at performing a simple perfect side kick. And as you witnessed yourself, I performed one perfectly. I can give you advice on how to properly perform it." Said Mileena as the young man stared at her awkwardly and picked himself back up.

"Well... I uhh..." The young man was interrupted before he could say anything.

"What he means to say is, we don't take combat advice from bipedal hyenas." Mileena snapped her head at another young man who glared at her with venom in his eyes.

"Don't you dare talk to me like that! I just offered to help him, and yet you spit in my face!?" Yelled Mileena, allowing her temper to take over.

"Look, we know Grandmaster Hanzo Hasashi letting you into the clan is his final decision. And we can't change that. But we don't have to like it, half-breed." Hissed the other young man as a third young man standing beside him spoke up.

"Yeah, that's right. We don't need instruction from some crazy ex-despot like you. Now do yourself a favor, and GET LOST!" Mileena glared at him and the rest of the recruits who stopped training just to glare at her. Her attempted sympathetic expression was instantly replaced with one of anger and hate, growling at the recruits before turning around and walking away towards the temple.

The Edenian-Tarkatan hybrid walked through the entrance and started to march through the halls angrily. She actually once in her life offered her hand out to someone to HELP them. Not to attack them, not to insult them, but to HELP them and provide them her assistance. But what did they do? They smacked her hand away and told her to 'get lost'. Mileena could not understand how Hanzo was able to deal with these spoiled brats day in and day out.

Earthrealm: Japan, Shirai Ryu Temple, The Fire Garden

Within the beautiful Fire Garden of the Shirai Ryu, Mileena and her master Hanzo Hasashi sat in a meditation hut in the heart of the Gardens. The two sat there motionless with their eyes closed. Although, both seemingly being drastically different in mannerisms and aura.

Hanzo was in a perfect and classical meditative state, being as still as a statue with calmness and peace just radiating off of him like beams of light. Clearly being someone who meditated every day of his life, even when he was the hell spawn Scorpion, he mediated whenever he could to clear his mind and soul of troubles and pain.

On the other end, Mileena was the complete opposite. Even to someone who was completely unfamiliar with meditation could tell that Mileena was not doing it right. She was very frigidity, her breathing pattern constantly changed, she kept clearing her throat and adjusting her sitting position, she was distracted by the tiniest noises like a bird chirping from the distance, and possessing an annoyed and disconcerting facial pattern.

As Mileena tried her best to better her imperfect meditation, she squinted open her eyes and peered over at Hanzo cautiously. Trying her best to not gain his attention. She stared deeply at him as she contemplated how it was possible he was so still and calm. How could he do this? Successfully letting go of all of his grief and anger at least for a moment and entering a near perfect meditative state with all of the annoying external and internal distractions going on all at once. The birds chirping, the wind blowing, the leafs falling, the wind chimes ringing, her own breathing, hell! Even her own heart pounding in her ears! Not to mention, all of those distracting and annoying thoughts entering her mind and distracting her.

But as Mileena continued to look, she heard a soft chirp of a bird as she saw a bird fly down from up above and land on Hanzo's still shoulder. The bird chirped as it observed it's surroundings from Hanzo's shoulder innocently. New thoughts began racing through Mileena's mind once more.

'Once again, I must reiterate... WAS THIS MAN REALLY SCORPION!? THE SAME MAN WHO SHE HEARD BRUTALLY BURNED THE FIRST SUB-ZERO TO DEATH!? And now he's the leader of one of the most powerful clans in Earthrealm!?' Mileena yelled in her mind as she continued to look at the tiny bird that hopped around on Hanzo's shoulder innocently and obliviously.

But Mileena regained her barrings as she turned her head back to face forward and closed her eyes again. Mileena tried her very best to clear her mind and attempted to look for even a semblance of peace. A state of mind she was supposed to be in when meditating. Focusing as hard as she could, she actually managed to clear her mind of all of those annoying thoughts that wouldn't stop popping up along with toning out all the distracting sounds of nature around her. She was surprised she was actually doing it, she was actually starting to reach the state of mind necessary for real meditation. Although it was nothing she would jump for joy over, at the very least she wasn't just sitting there with her eyes closed passing the time in boredom.

She can feel her body lifting and floating in the primordial void of space as she started to reach a new level and even feel a tinge of what some might call relaxation or even peace. She absolutely love the calming sensation as her focus increased and slowly but surely grew stronger. At last, out of all the days trapped in this temple, she would finally gain some semblance of freedom.

Her mind then drifted off and fantasized about what she would do when Raiden's princess Sonya Blade would declare Mileena "ready" to be granted freedom and freely leave the Shirai Ryu and Earthrealm. She was thinking about successfully finding Tanya and Rain as they would assemble an army and go on a crusade to take back the crown of Outworld from Kotal Kahn.

But as Mileena started to smile and her fantasy just started to get good, she lost that feeling of floating in primordial space and that feeling of ascendance. All of those distractions she originally felt before came back at full force as she could hear every single distracting sound from within the Fire Garden along with the return of those rampant thoughts. Mileena silently sighed in frustration, just like everything else in her life. She was just close enough to get what she wanted, but when she almost got it, it was snatched away from her the instant her fingers grazed it.

Mileena focused once again on reaching that same state of mind, she wasn't even close to regaining what she lost. In fact, instead of becoming calmer and more at peace, she visibly became angrier and angrier.

Hanzo stopped his meditation already feeling the frustration seeping out of Mileena from her difficult time trying to mediate. Hanzo opened his eyes and looked to his left at an angry Mileena, causing the bird sitting on his shoulder to fly away as Mileena's eyes shot open.

"Ugh! I have no idea what I'm doing wrong! I actually had it for a moment, but I lost it!" Hissed Mileena as she looked over at Hanzo with a frustrated look. "How can you do it with all these distractions?"

"I have been practicing meditation ever since I could walk, Mileena. It's not very hard at all, in fact a child could do it. These distractions keep occurring because your allowing them to." Stated Hanzo as Mileena narrowed her eyes.

"Oh yes, of course the blame is all on me." Stated Mileena snarkily.

"These things take time, Mileena. You will get it eventually." Stated Hanzo as he stood back up. "Enough for now, please Mileena. Join me for a nice hot cup of tea."

Hanzo turned around and walked off to a nearby tea table as Mileena picked herself up and followed the ex-specter. The two sat down on either side of the table as Hanzo started to make the tea as Mileena stared at Hanzo's hands as they worked on carefully making the tea.

"It seems you have much turmoil and anger clouding your mind and distorting your chi flow. That is most likely the reason why you find it very difficult to meditate and find your center." Said Hanzo as he finished making one cup of tea, holding it out for Mileena as she slowly took it.

"How about you tell me something I already don't know?" Snapped Mileena as she pulled down her veil and looked into the steaming pot of tea.

"You've already spoke to me about several of your sources of discord. Your fear, your guilt... We are already working on overcoming those obstacles with talking, training, and meditation. You attempted to help one of your fellow Shirai Ryu today, that's a good start." Stated Hanzo optimistically as he started carefully brewing his own tea.

"First of all, you told me to help him. Second of all, he rejected my helping hand anyway. That dosen't seem like an accomplishment to me." Said Mileena as she started to drink her tea.

"You underestimate yourself, Mileena. Your social skills as well as your meditation skills shall improve over time with an open mind and much practice. Although, one think I see a lack of in your combat arsenal when you fight is chi control." Stated Hanzo finishing up his own cup of tea and drinking it.

"I never needed it, you can probably tell I never trained or meditated in my life. Fighting and battle just came... so naturally to me, I didn't see the need for learning to control my chi. It was never necessary for me to learn." Remarked Mileena staring down at her tea.

"Then, might I ask. When you fight, I see you have the ability to teleport short distances and use a pink aura to enhance your attacks. For a while I believed it to be a different form of chi, but if I'm not mistaken... It is due to your Edenian blood, correct?" Asked Hanzo as Mileena stared at her tea silently for a moment.

"Yes, that is correct. Just like my si-... Kitana, my Edenian traits grant me several extra abilities besides just longevity and strength. It's... some kind of Ethereal energy I am able to tap into and use to assist me in battle." Mileena continued to drink her tea after the statement as Hanzo scratched his bearded chin thoughtfully.

"Hmm, interesting. Perhaps, it could be why you returned back to the land of the living." Suggested Hanzo as Mileena immediately started choking on her tea. Placing her tea cup down she coughed for a while before getting ahold of herself.

"What? You mean you think my ability somehow grants me the ability to return from the dead?" Asked Mileena as she rubbed her neck and Hanzo nodded.

"Do you have another explanation?"

"... Perhaps, I don't know." Said Mileena in doubt as Hanzo finished drinking his tea.

"Either way, you must learn to harness and masterfully control this power of yours. Physically, you've always relied on your feral instincts to get you though a battle, but you have now started to learn more styles of combat beside your ravenous style. Your potential when using chi control and you ethereal energy can be limitless. For example, whenever I face an opponent in battle, I not only use my hellfire as a weapon in combat. But also my chi as well to boost my strength and durability to unprecedented levels." Hanzo's lecture began to intrigue Mileena as she listened to Hanzo go on. Of course she heard of chi before, it was not that Mileena was never taught how to fight at all. A combination of an instinctual and ravenous style combined with learning how to fight through copying the moves of other fighters, that made her a deadly opponent.

But, with her solely focusing on keeping her iron grip on the throne of Outworld, meditation and training was a waste of time. And as much as Mileena hated to admit it, had taken a toll on her fighting prowess. Yet with her position now, she needed to adapt her fighting style if she would be able to survive. And who knows? Once she finishes her training and finally leave to get her revenge in Outworld, new styles of combat could be very helpful to reaching her goals.

As Hanzo continued his lecturing, he stopped as he looked over Mileena's shoulder and at an old dead Ironwood tree that stood out amongst the other much more bright and colorful trees in the Fire Garden. Hanzo has been meaning to get that tree taken out of the Garden and discarding it, but he either kept forgetting or he was too busy with other manners.

"Hmm, in fact, I shall give you a demonstration of my hellfire chi combination. And how powerful it is." Said Hanzo as Hanzo stood up from where he was kneeling at the table and silently walking twenty feet behind Mileena as the half-tarkatan turned around and observed Hanzo. As Hanzo finally made his way over to the dead tree, he stopped and looked over to see if Mileena was watching him, which she was.

"Watch this." Said Hanzo as he started methodically moving his arms and body around in a smooth flowing way that balanced out his chi and started gathering in specific parts of Hanzo's body. Meanwhile, Hanzo started to slowly light on fire with the small candle-sized flames on Hanzo started to grow and grow until it gathered around his fists and eyes that glow bright like a lantern.

Hanzo pulled back his burning fist and built up a monstrous amount of power in it, only a second passed before Hanzo swung his fist and shattered the dead Ironwood tree.

(CRACK!)

Thousands of splinters rained as the rest of the tree hit the ground with a resounding 'thud' that managed to shake the ground. Mileena could see that much of the tree that was shattered to pieces also had scorch marks all over it along with the splinters. Hanzo silently looked back at Mileena as the two stared at each other for a few seconds before Hanzo walked back over to the tea table.

"Now, simply imagine what you would be capable of if you mastered that." Said Hanzo as he kneeled back down at his end of the table.

"That is pretty... impressive." Stated Mileena as she finished off her tea. "And, useful."

"Yes, but to gain the full access of your chi is to remove any blockage in your chi paths. Paths in your body which chi travels through. Many of yours are still blocked off." Remarked Hanzo.

"Yes, yes, I know. Negative emotions and feeling blocking the paths..." Trailed off Mileena.

"Your right, and there is only one way to unblock them." Stated Hanzo.

"Really? There are no other ways?" Asked Mileena with a hint of sarcasm.

"Of course there is tea, meditation, and physical training... But with your difficulty learning meditation and the sheer amount of time it would take to unblock your chi paths solely with physical training, it would take weeks to months to do. And of course you can't just sit here drinking tea all day, and I doubt you'd want to do that either." Commented Hanzo as Mileena looked down at her empty tea cup with an uncertain expression on her face for quite some time.

Several moments of silence passed before Mileena was snapped out of her trance with Hanzo filling Mileena's cup back up with tea. Mileena let out a sigh as she looked back up at Hanzo with an uncomfortable expression.

"Very well, what would you like to talk about?" Asked Mileena as Hanzo silently laughed to himself and let out a tiny smirk.

"... I... I never really had many allies... You remember, that night I talked to you about Baraka? How he was one of the only people who I ever really trusted?" Asked Mileena as Hanzo nodded his head.

"*Sigh*... There were more, such as... General Reiko. Have you heard of him?"

"Yes, he... tricked me into believing he was trying to help me regain the throne to Outworld. As much as it disgusts me to admit it, even shared a bed with him. He then stabbed me in the back and teamed up with that cleric of Chaos, Havik and tried to kill me. Yet, the Elder Gods seemed to be looking out for me that day when that worthless scum melted and died... I would give anything just to see that bastard melt." Growled Mileena spitefully as Hanzo just watched her and listened.

"There were others, my fathers lieutenants. Ermac, Reptile, D'vorah, and Kotal Kahn... all of them believing me to be unfit to rule Outworld. Stabbing me in the back. But, luckily at the very least I had two remaining loyal allies. Two Edenians named Tanya and Rain. Surprisingly, being half-Tarkatan and half-Edenian has it's pros with the Tarkatans remaining loyal to me." Mileena paused as she looked down into her empty tea cup.

"Rain was also originated from a royal bloodline, much like myself. He was a bodyguard and a trusted alley who I... rewarded several times for his loyalty. And finally, there was dearest Tanya, possibly the closest to a 'normal' relationship I've had. Much like Baraka and Rain, she stuck by my side and only rivaled Baraka in terms of her loyalty, I promised to create a new and free Edenia for her and Rain once I've regained the throne to Outworld from that Osh-Tekk fool." Said Mileena as Hanzo finished brewing a new batch of tea and pouring Mileena a new cup.

"Oh, so this 'Tanya' was a good friend to you?" Hanzo asked as Mileena blew on her steaming cup of tea.

"Like, sisters?" Mileena looked back up at Hanzo from her tea before she started to sip.

"... Oh." Mileena finished her sip a she placed the cup back on the table.

"... I'm sure they're still around, if they've managed to survive for this long, I'm sure their still around." Said Hanzo as Mileena finally finished her tea and placed it down.

"Of course they are. My followers won't fall easily." Commented Mileena in a prideful tone as Hanzo finished his cup of tea as he stood up.

"Today was very productive, Mileena. Head to the mess hall and get something to eat before you start training again. I will continue my meditation." Said Hanzo as Mileena stood up and bowed her head to Hanzo who bowed back.

Mileena turned around and started to walk back to the temple. But as she was half way there, she halted and looked back over her shoulder to see Hanzo already back in his meditation hut in a peaceful meditative state. Mileena stood there and stared for several more seconds as she squinted her eyes, still perplexed that a man who could be so fierce and powerful could also be so sweet and gentle that he wouldn't even hurt a fly.

Mileena broke her gaze as she turned her heel and walked back to the temple.

Later...

Hopefully when she gets to the mess hall, she'll be able to take her mind off the incident by having something to eat. But as Mileena got to the mess hall and was about to open the door to let herself in, she stopped when she heard someone speak to her.

"Still not playing well with the other kids?" Mileena looked over to see that Takeda was there, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed as Mileena rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"What is it this time, boy? Have you come to criticize my poor peoples skills yet again?" Asked Mileena as she crossed her arms impatiently.

"Well, kind of. But, I'm really just here to help you through everything. It was rough for me my first time here, but I still had the advantage of being a kid and a total stranger to everyone else. And not an ex-empress that caused the exudes of many of her people." Said Takeda starring off as he looked back over at Mileena who was visibly getting angrier by the second.

"Heh, no offense of course. But my point is, it's gonna be harder for you then it was for me making friends. Or, at least allies." Remarked Takeda as Mileena scoffed.

"Hehe, friends? What in the name of the Elder Gods make you think I need friends? I don't need friends to tear my enemies apart and achieve my goals." Replied Mileena.

"Uhh, no offense, Mileena. But, we kinda both know that's not true. But no worries, I'm here to help you." Said Takeda with a honest smile as Mileena looked at him with suspicion.

"And why would you want to do that?"

"Because, I consider you to be a friend. Of course not besties, but... just a friend. Plus, I feel sympathy for you. I was in the same spot you were when I first joined the Shirai Ryu." Remarked Takeda as Mileena groaned in annoyance yet again before turning around and entering the mess hall as Takeda followed along.

The female ninja made her way to the big boiling pot of curry as she grabbed a plate and the latte as she poured herself a dish as Takeda did the same thing and followed her to where they both sat down.

"Fine. Since I have nothing better to do, I shall indulge your generous offer. But if I might ask, how exactly will you make me... 'accepted?'" Asked Mileena with obvious quotation marks around the word "accepted".

"Honestly, with most of the Shirai Ryu recruits being Outworld refugees who mostly blame you for their current condition, there's not really much you can do. You could probably just keep offering your help over and over until they start to warm up to you. But that can take weeks, months, and even possibly years for them to warm up to you completely." Said Takeda as Mileena started eating her curry.

"Wow, what the little helper you are." Said Mileena sarcastically.

"*Sigh*... Look, I get it. You feel alone, suspicious of everyone around you, and even scared. I was right there with you when I was 10 years old when my mother died, and my dad dropped me off here in the Shirai Ryu..." Mileena slowed down her eating as she put her spoon down and looked at Takeda with surprised eyes. Surprised that he was sharing such a personal secret like that with her.

"In the Shirai Ryu, I basically had zero friends... and I was basically what you might call... a coward. I was terrified of the concept of fighting and all I could think about was my mom. Who, isn't really with us anymore. But, just hoping for my dad to come back one day and rescue me from this harsh clan... wasn't helping me at all. In fact, it was hurting me. I was alone and didn't have any friends, which made the experience FAR worse..." Takeda trailed off as he paused for a bit.

"... Except, there was this one guy. His name was Forest Fox, and... he was my best friend. I would usually spar with him and he would whoop my ass the majority of the time hehehe... I was scared and alone, but he reached out to me and tried to make a home out of the Shirai Ryu for me. Of course I also had Master Hasashi, but... it was nice to have one good friend looking out for me in the clan..." Takeda trailed off yet again as Mileena slowly began to eat again. Hesitantly asking Takeda, still wanting to know what happened to his friend.

"... What happened to him?"

"He died." Takeda blatantly said with a sad expression on his face as he sat there silently for a few moments. "It was... around a year ago. Havik used the Kamidogu to possess Forest and make him kill all the Shirai Ryu, except for me and Master Hasashi. We were forced to kill him... We couldn't save him." Mileena's eyes widened out of shock as she heard this. She knew that Hanzo and Havik were enemies, but she had no idea that Havik was the one responsible for the second Shirai Ryu massacre. Almost taking her aback. Hanzo really did have more of a right to kill him then her.

"He was one of the best friends I've ever had. He helped me when I was scared and alone, and I can tell that's where you are, Mileena. I know you really don't have anyone else except Master Hasashi, I was just hoping to welcome you in and carry on the lessons my friend taught me. But, if you honestly want to be alone, then I won't be an annoyance to you. I just wanted to be helpful." Said Takeda as he finished his bowl of curry, unknown to Mileena, he was still eating during the pauses of his story. Takeda then picked up the bowl and stood up and he started to walk way.

But before Takeda could even take his third step, something grabbed his pant leg and held him back. Looking back, he saw that Mileena grabbed a hold of the back of his pantleg and stopped him from walking away. Blushing under her mask with a clear expression of embarrassment on her face, Mileena began to speak.

"I would not be... unappreciative of your assistance, Takeda. I will, try to work on my 'people's skills' and seem less..."

"Bitchy?"Asked Takeda as Mileena's expression of embarrassment also had anger threw into the mix as she glared at Takeda a bit, before taking a deep breath and speaking.

"Not the word I would use, but yes. And it would not be the worst thing in the world if you... kept me company..." Admitted Mileena as she let go of Takeda's pant leg. Takeda smiled as he sat down next to a still embarrassed looking Mileena again.

"So, as I was going to say, there is another, faster way to gain the respect of the rest of the Shirai Ryu members... if you want to know." After hearing this, Mileena halted her eating as she turned her head to face Takeda.

"Really now? What is it?"

"Well... It's still pretty risky, personally I would just be patient and get warmed up with the other recruits instead of-"

"What is it?" Repeated Mileena as Takeda sighed, cursing himself that he had to bring up THAT option.

"Alright. There is one tradition in the Shirai Ryu that when performed successfully by a member will instantly gain the respect of everyone in the clan. But it's still pretty risky." Warned Takeda as Mileena smirked.

"Please, I'm still the daughter of Shao Kahn. Whatever this little 'risky tradition' you have is, I can do it." Said Mileena self-assured with a light aura of arrogance around her statement.

"The challenge is called 'Test Your Might', it goes by another name in the clan, but that's what everyone calls it anyway. There is a challenge where there's a series of objects you must break with one chop. Being a series of increasingly stronger objects that you have to cleanly chop through. The challenger will only get three tries in total, but if they fail all three, they'll be banished from the clan. Although, if you win, you will prove to everyone in the clan that you are a true Shirai Ryu and that you belong here. Legend says, that only someone who has enough will power and passion in their heart to become a true warrior can break the statue in half and prove to the rest of the clan that you belong here... Although, it's still made of titanium... so, yeah, pretty risky."

Mileena remained silent as she continued to eat her curry, all the while Takeda waited for Mileena's response. "Has anyone else tried this 'tradition' before?"

"As far as this life time, yes. There was one. And that one was Grandmastee Hanzo Hasashi himself. When he rebuild the Shirai Ryu after Havik's attack, he felt unworthy after feeling like he failed them. So he took the challenge, and if he failed he would abandon the clan forever and leave. But, he proved himself to everyone and broke that statue in his first try. Amazing how he didn't break his hand or anything after doing it. But, besides him, there were other members of the Shirai Ryu who accepted the challenge. Most of them failed because... well, most people don't have super human strength." Stated Takeda bluntly as Mileena was nearly finished with her meal.

"... So, let's get started."

Earthrealm: Japan, Shirai Ryu Temple, An unspecified amount of days later

Later in the day when most of the Shirai Ryu training were reduced down to the minority, but instead of going inside, all of them were recruited to the main courtyard where all of the Shirai Ryu members kneeled down in front of a stage that usually sat on the side of the courtyard.

Everyone was kneeling in front of the stage as they all started to whisper to one another about why they were all summoned and what was going on.

"Hey, man. Do you know why we were summoned here?"

"Yeah, I actually heard someone wanted to perform the 'Test Your Might' challenge."

"The Test Your What? What's that?"

"Don't you know anything about Shirai Ryu costums? It's a tradition where any member of the Shirai Ryu can prove themselves as strong and that they belong in the Shirai Ryu by breaking through progressively stronger and stronger objects. They get three chances in total, if they fail they will be disgraced and be banished from the clan."

"Who'd want to do that?"

"I heard it was Mileena who wanted to do the challenge."

"What!? Seriously? That freak? You gotta be kidding me."

"Hoping to the Elder Gods she fails immediately and gets booted out of here."

"Seriously, what was Grandmaster thinking allowing that Thing into the Shirai Ryu?"

"I mean... to give her credit, in the woods when Grandmaster was attacked by the Black Dragon, Mileena helped out and put up a good fight."

"Haha, yeah right. I bet it was Komodai and Grandmaster who did all the work. That crazy woman doesn't care about anyone but herself."

Meanwhile, Hanzo and Takeda walked along the side of the Shirai Ryu temple and passing several dozen ironwood trees along the way. All the while, Hanzo had his head down with his hands behind his back and a stern expression. All the while, Takeda had a nervous expression as he glanced at Hanzo. A few more moments of awkward silence passed during the walk. Until Hanzo spoke up.

"Why did you tell Mileena about that challenge?" Asked Hanzo in a dead serious tone.

"I'm sorry Master Hasashi, but she was just dying for a way to prove to everyone else to give her the light of day." Said Takeda bluntly yet with still hints of nervousness in his tone of voice.

"And possibly getting her kicked out of the clan? You know the fail to success ratio in the 'Test Your Might' challenge, she is NOT ready." Declared Hanzo.

"I know how risky it is, and I don't want her to get kicked out of the clan. But I've been where she is now, when I joined the Shirai Ryu I was only 10 years old. My mom and dad were gone and I was all alone in a strange place. I know what she's feeling, and it's loneliness. If she does succeed, the clan will start to see how hard she's willing to work and actually start to respect her. Of course, something like true respect won't just happen over night. But if she influences even ONE member from her actions, I say that that would be a success." Stated Takeda as Hanzo grumbled again.

"We both know how she's feeling Takeda. I know loneliness as well, but she is not ready for this. After the second massacre and the assembly of the new recruits, I put myself though extreme mental and physical training in order to even have a change with succeeding. But Mileena... she is not ready for this. I brought her in to redeem her, not to take her in for a few weeks then send her off back to Outworld to die just because she was too headstrong." Said Hanzo as the pair eventually started to walk up to a woman standing in front off an ironwood tree, that woman being Mileena. Pummeling the tree and trying to ready herself for the challenge ahead.

"You can tell me I got Mileena into this all you want, but at the end of the day it's still her decision." Hanzo gave Takeda a quick disapproving look before turning back to Mileena who was still hard at work punching the ironwood tree in front of her.

"Mileena, it's time." Mileena stopped her pummeling as she turned to Hanzo and Takeda.

"Finally, let's get this started." Said Mileena as she cracked her fist.

"Mileena, you have to understand the seriousness of this challenge. Most of the Shirai Ryu who took the challenge failed and were banished from the clan, and they even decided to take time before hand to train and ready themselves. If you fail, you are banished from the clan. You are not ready." Warned Hanzo as Mileena just stared back at Hanzo with a determined look.

"I promise, I WILL NOT fail... I have been training harder then I ever had before, I have even been practicing my chi training like you told me. I'm as ready as I'll ever be." Said Mileena as Hanzo sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"*Sigh*... There is no way of talking you out of this, is there?" Asked Hanzo.

"No, there isn't." Replied Mileena as Hanzo lowered his hand from his face and stared at Mileena for a moment.

Hanzo then placed his hand on Mileena's shoulder and gave her a stern look. "Then I wish you luck."

Hanzo pulled his hand away from Mileena's shoulder as the woman began her walk to the courtyard. "Good, I will need all the luck I can get."

Hanzo and Takeda followed Mileena to the courtyard where the members of the Shirai Ryu were kneeling in front of the mobile stage. Soon they all looked to the left and saw the trio of Hanzo, Mileena, and Takeda heading to the stage and walking up the steps and to two concrete blocks that were in the front of the stage. Mileena stood in front of them as Takeda silently stood in the background as Hanzo walked up to the front of the stage and spoke.

"Since the rebuilding of the new Shirai Ryu, Mileena is the first member to take the challenge of the traditional 'Test your Might' challenge of the Shirai Ryu. For those of you who haven't been doing your studies, it is a challenge that involves using ones combat prowess to break through a series of objects consistently increasing in durability. If the challenger fails three times then they are banished from the clan, according to traditional rules." Announced Hanzo looking at the crowd of young Shirai Ryu before turning back to Mileena.

"Are you ready?" Mileena simply nodded as Hanzo turned back. "Then let's begin..."

Hanzo walked to the back of the stage and stood next to Takeda with his arms crossed as Mileena stood there readying herself as a ninja came from the left with a pile of wood in his hands. Walking up to the two concrete blocks the ninja placed the piled planks of wood on each block, bridging the two as the ninja backed off. Mileena didn't even show a hint of concern as she brought her hand up in a chopping motion, and brought it down. Breaking through the 2x4's with ease.

(Crack!)

And just like clockwork, the ninja came back carrying in a chopped Oak log and quickly placed it where the pile of wooden boards used to be. Mileena just like before took deep breaths as he pulled her hand back slowly and carefully as she gathered her strength. And only a second later she brought her hand down and chopped right through the log.

(Crack!)

The crowd watched on, still unimpressed at Mileena's progress. Only if she lasts to the later stages the Shirai Ryu will even consider being impressed. The same ninja returned and this time brought along with him a pile of carefully stacked bricks. Placing it down in front of Mileena, Mileena looked down at the bricks as she moved her fingers around. Already feeling the slight twinge of pain from the last two objects she broke.

It was of no concern as Mileena lifted her hand up yet again and held it above her a few seconds gathering strength. After that, she brought her hand crashing down in a chopping motion.

(Crack!)

A bundle of bamboo was then placed on the chopping blocks for Mileena, she pulled her hands together and started to focus intensely. All the while Takeda and Hanzo were still standing behind her and observing her. The ex-empress pulled her hand back once more and brought it down, breaking right through the bamboo.

(Crack!)

Mileena pulled her hand back yet again and subtlety started to rub it to sooth her pain. She looked back up at the crowd who still remained unimpressed. The half-Tarkatan narrowed her eyes with determination gleaming in them. She was not a fool, this was the easiest part of the challenge and she was already getting tired. But she would not prosiest, she won't stop because of a few bruises.

The ninja returned with a large lump of coal in his hands as he placed it down in front of Mileena and backed off. Mileena braced herself as she built up her strength, bringing her hand down she managed to chop through the coal.

(Crack!)

But this time, she felt a sharp sting of pain run through her hand after breaking the lump of coal. She once again, subtlety shook her hand to get rid of the pain, but this time it didn't fade or go away. It stayed there. A marble statue of a dragon was then placed in front of Mileena as the warrioress looked down at it. The fallen empress took a deep breath and braced herself as she raised her hand over the statue, building up energy, as she then brought it down and shattered the sculpture.

(Crack!)

"Ow!" Mileena tried to hold back her vocal expression of pain to hide any doubt viewed by the audience, but it was too late as some of the Shirai Ryu audience started to quietly laugh to themselves. Mostly the ones who hated Mileena. Takeda showed an expression of concern as Hanzo kept his stern demeanor. A block of silver was then placed on the stand as Mileena looked down at it, then back at her hand which started to worsen. But she disregarded it as she held back her hand and built up power once more. Only a few seconds later bringing her fist down and breaking right through the block of stone.

Her hand started to bleed as Mileena, Takeda, Hanzo, and even the rest of the audience could see the block. The blood started to run down her fingers and drop on the floor as a new item was placed in front of Mileena. Two bars of silver placed on top of one another. Even though Mileena's hand bled, she continued on as the challenge went along. Mileena would continuously be brought stronger, tougher, and more durable materials that Mileena would chop through. The materials consisting of gold, iron, sapphire, obsidian, ruby, amber, and more consistently stronger materials.

Everyone could see at this point that Mileena's hand got worse and worse, the bruises became so dark that her entire hand looked black and blue, except for the deep cuts and gashes that just got worse and worse after every chop. At this point, everyone in the crowd started to develop worried looks on their faces with several others showing facial expressions of being awed and impressed by Mileena's fortitude.

A block of diamond was placed in front of Mileena as she looked down at it with a hint of worry in her eyes. But she braced herself as she curled her hands into fist and raised her hand like before and held it in the air, building up power. As she then brought it down.

(Crack!)

"Ugh!" Mileena pulled back her hand that was in extreme pain with her only efforts in the hunk of diamond being a hairline-sized crack that ran down the middle. Mileena held her hand as everyone stared at her with shock along with Takeda from the back. All the while Hanzo still stared on with an unchanged stern look on his face. That was strike one, and she wasn't even near the end yet. She had to be more careful.

Mileena looked back up at the crowd and looked back down at her hand and without a doubt could tell that she broke several bones in her hand. It stung just to move her wrist around. But even through the pain was rocketing through her body, she did her best to ignore it as she looked down at the diamond and gave it one hard glare. She held her damaged hand above her and built up power once more before bringing it down.

(CRACK!)

Successfully shattering the diamond, but as a consequence, received more damage to her hand. The crowd of Shirai Ryu had their expressions shift and flux between concern and bewilderment. She has been in the Shirai Ryu for only a few weeks and was able to break through a chunk of diamond, something that members of the Shirai Ryu who've been members for years couldn't do. Even the ones who were rooting against Mileena started to visibly become impressed.

Takeda still kept the worried look on his face, staring at Mileena's damaged hand. Even though Hanzo didn't visibly show it, he was terrified at the prospect of Mileena losing and being exiled.

"Master Hanzo, can't we stop this before it goes too far? I mean, Mileena already broke her hand. I doubt she'll be able to break what comes later on with a broken hand!" Whispered Takeda as Hanzo looked back at his student.

"Takeda, do you not believe in Mileena?" Asked Hanzo in a monitone voice as Takeda developed an expression of shock on his face.

"What? No. This is going to far, I mean, do you really have to banish her if she-..." Takeda trailed off as he looked back at his master who was angrily eyeing him.

"Traditions are traditions, Takeda. I am the Grandmaster of the Shirai Ryu first and a friend second. If I disregard my clans sacred traditions I might as well disband the Shirai Ryu at this moment." Stated Hanzo as Takeda looked back at Mileena, who was about to break the piece of titanium that was placed in front of her.

"Takeda, you kept talking about how much you believed Mileena can do this. Do you not believe that anymore?" Asked Hanzo as Takeda looked down ashamed.

"No. I believe she can. I'm just... *Sigh* I believe she can do it." Said Takeda as he pulled himself together and looked back at Mileena who had her hand over the piece of titanium.

Only a second passed before Mileena brought her hand down in a chopping motion and broke right through the object.

(Crack!)

"Wait a second... do... do you think she's actually going to do it?" Whispered one Shirai Ryu member to another who laughed under his breath.

"Hehe... If she does, I'll french kiss you." Replied the other member.

The same ninja returned, this time with a board of black tungsten. Placing it down in front of Mileena as Mileena hovered over the tungsten and readied herself, she raised her hand over her head and gathered power in it yet again. As she brought her hand crashing down.

(CRACK!)

"UGHH!" Mileena pulled her hand back to see that many of the major bones in her hand were clearly shattered. Everyone flinched as they heard the spine chilling crack that rang through the air. Like before, everyone could see that Mileena's hand was broken and clearly useless. That was her second strike, one more and she would be done.

Takeda began to walk forward to try and help Mileena, only for a hand to be placed on his shoulder that stopped him. He looked back to see his master holding him back from helping Mileena. "Master, what are you doing? She needs help."

"Shirai Ryu traditions state that no help of any kind should be given to the challenger. If she gets help, she will forfeit and be exiled." Stated Hanzo as Takeda looked back at Mileena holding her bloody hand, before looking back at Hanzo.

"What can she possibly do with a broken hand?" Asked Takeda as Hanzo gained a small smirk on his face as he looked back at Mileena.

"She only needs one arm to finish this." Mileena held her hand in pain as she groaned, all her attention was set on her hand and thus did not notice the new material that was placed in front of her. The final and strongest object of the 'Test Your Might' challenge that only a few Shirai Ryu were able to pass throughout the clans history. It appeared to be a mix between amber, coal, and diamond, yet Mileena didn't even know what this substance was.

"That substance is known as lonsdaleite, one of the strongest materials on Earth. And the final stage of the challenge. Be precise." Stated Hanzo in a commanding voice that everyone heard, especially Mileena as she glanced back at Hanzo who nodded at her. Mileena turned back as she looked back down at the lonsdateite, if it was stronger then all of the previous substances she broke, she will need to pour every ounce of power into her final strike.

She looked down at her broken and bleeding hand before turning her attention to her remaining working hand as she curled her fingers and moved her hand around. She took a deep breath as she focused all the power that she had in her body to her hand, Mileena only learned chi control a few days ago, so she wasn't exactly an expert yet or even a base user. But she didn't give up, remembering what Hanzo taught her as she started to surge her magenta ethereal energy through her hand along with her chi. Her hand noticeably surging with ethereal energy as everyone stared at her in wonder.

"Wait, what is that stuff around her hand?" Asked one Shirai Ryu.

"Does she really think she's able to break through an item stronger then steel in just one blow?" Asked another.

"Woah... I think she's really going to do it." Said another one.

As the crowd whispered among one another, they all quieted down as they saw Mileena raise her hand over the lonsdaleite. Building up the energy in her hand until it reached critical mass, everyone stared on in suspense as Mileena was readying herself. After three more seconds that felt like an eternity to everyone who watched, Mileena finally swung her hand down.

(CRACK!)

Everyone stared on in shock.

Mileena actually broke through the piece of lonsdaleite, and even more astonishing, she received absolutely no damage to her remaining hand. Mileena looked down at the broken object in surprise and shock as she looked at her hand which was still bathed in magenta ethereal energy. After a second of staring at her own hand in wonder, it disappeared as soon as it came. Mileena turned her head back up as she looked a the audience of Shirai Ryu who were starring at her in awe, Mileena stared on at the audience in shock for a moment before breaking out of it and bowed to the audience.

And just like that, the audience started to cheer and clap for the Half-Tarkatan. Even when she was back in Outworld and she still possessed her empress status, the only people who would cheer for her were the Tarkatans who were her loyal followers. But now... she was receiving praise from other races. Human, Outworlder, Tarkatan, Saurian, and more were cheering and clapping for her. Amazed that she had the strength and the willpower to pull of a feat like that.

"Oh man, she was more skilled then I thought..."

"That was amazing! Guess she wasn't just some crazy woman after all..."

"She really did it!? She has some incredible potential! Wow!"

"I guess... I guess we misjudged her..."

"Yeah! Go Mileena!"

Everyone continued to cheer for Mileena with Takeda clapping and cheering along with the crowd as Hanzo subtly smirked and walked over to Mileena and stood by her side. The cheering and clapping died down as Hanzo scanned the crowd and glanced over at Mileena who looked over the crowd. Even with her veil on, Hanzo could spot Mileena's mouth that was pressed against the veil started to curl into the shape of an honest smile. Not a malevolent smile or some kind of smile with the hint of selfish intent behind it, but a genuine smile.

"Mileena has won 'Test Your Might'. In the new generation of the Shirai Ryu, she is the first of the new generation to prove her strength, willpower, and passion that I know the rest of you will share. Showing both our allies and enemies the true unbreakable spirit of the Shirai Ryu. I can say with pride that I award Mileena with a Shirai Ryu ceremonial kunai." Hanzo pulled out a small object that fit in his hands that was covered in cloth. Hanzo turned to Mileena who turned back to the Grandmaster and looked down at the object in his hands.

Hanzo held it out for Mileena to take as she stood there in surprise, she didn't even know that there were any prizes if she won. She reached out and took the wrapped up kunai, unwrapping it from the cloth it was in, she saw that it wasn't any regular kunai. But it appeared to be designed for Mileena. Obviously, Mileena never used a kunai in battle. The only weapons she ever used in battle were her own nails, her sai, and Shao Kahn's Wrath Hammer. Although, she had to admit that the craftsmanship was impressive.

The kunai heavily resembled Mileena's sai with having three razor sharp blades on it with serrated edges and metallic magenta markings on the sides. Mileena couldn't believe it as she stared at it in shock for a moment before being snapped out of her trance.

"Mileena?"

Mileena looked back up to see Hanzo standing there, waiting for Mileena's response. Mileena bowed to Hanzo and tried to hide her happiness at the thought of receiving a gift from someone. Even though it was for winning the 'Test Your Might' challenge, she couldn't help but feel happy at the thought of someone actually gifting her something. She even felt a sense of belonging.

"T-Thank you, Master Hanzo..." Said Mileena still bowing as Hanzo smiled down at her.

"You did good Mileena. Now, how about you head to the infirmary to bandage that hand of yours." Just with one mention of her hand, the pain rocketed back up Mileena's arm as she flinched and nearly dropped the kunai. But luckily caught it as she looked at her damaged hand again, amazed that she was able to ignored the pain for that long.

"Yes... I... I suppose that would be wise. I will return when I'm finished..." Hanzo stood aside as Mileena stared to walk off the stage, but not before passing Takeda who she looked back at. Takeda simply smiled and gave her a thumbs up. Mileena nodded her head as she continued her track down the stage.

As the ceremony was ending with Hanzo saying his last words, the audience started to get up and dissipate. "Alright everyone, head back to your studying, training, and other duties."

Mileena walked towards the temple as she held her injured hand. She looked down at her damaged hand as she started to think about what she just did, she kept telling herself she did what she did in order to get all those Shirai Ryu brats off her back and allow her to train in peace. Or at the very least treat her like an equal and not an animal. But a she was thinking this, she saw that a small flicker of the magenta ethereal flame returned on her hand, she didn't even activate her ethereal power. But to her shock and surprise, she noticed that the part of her hand that the tiny magenta flame was surging from was slowly healing.

'What... what is this? It's starting to feel... better? But how? How is-' But Mileena's train of thought was interrupted as a finger tapped her on the shoulder. It must either be Hanzo or Takeda, probably to tell her or ask her something. Mileena lowered her hand and turned around, only to see that very same young man who she offered her assistance to several days ago.

The young man looked down and appeared to be shy and hesitant as Mileena stood there, perplexed as she stared down at him.

"Yes? What is it?" Asked Mileena impatiently as the young man spoke.

"Uhh... I was hoping when your done getting bandaged up, you could teach me how to do the perfect side ki-" But the kid wasn't even able to finish his sentence as four other Shirai Ryu, the very same ones from a few days ago as well who mocked her and told her to go away, looked at her with smiles on their faces.

"Yeah, that really wasn't bad work fre- I mean, Mileena. We'll really like to learn how you did that perfect side kick, if ya can." Said one of the Shirai Ryu who mocked her as Mileena stood there shocked. She glanced between she shy kid who first asked her for help and several of the other young Shirai Ryu recruits for several seconds. Still digesting this 190 degree turn and attitude towards her.

Another moment passed before Mileena snapped out of it and looked down at the shy young man who first asked her. Most likely he was one of the very few Shirai Ryu who actually accepted her as another member, but was just to afraid to ask for help.

"Hmm... Okay. You, head to the courtyard. Practice your perfect side kick until I arrive, then we can get started." Said Mileena as the young man smiled and nodded as he walked off and Mileena watched him. Mileena then turned her attention back to the four other Shirai Ryu recruits in front of her.

"The rest of you keep practicing. You have a much longer way to go. When I see your ready, only then I will teach you." Said Mileena smirking under her veil and turning to walk away, leaving the recruits with their mouths hanging open.

The whole way while walking, Mileena finally felt an emotion she hasn't felt in a while since her "death". Pride. And it felt good, still smiling as she walked into the temple.

Earthrealm: Japan, The Shirai Ryu Temple, Several Days Later

"Come on! Work you blasted contraption!" Growled Mileena as she struggled with the rabbit ears on the old television in her room. She didn't even have any idea what was on the TV due to the massive amount of static that was disrupting the picture and sound of the channel.

"Why does Earthrealm technology always have to be so complicated?! Just work already!" Yelled Mileena fustrated as she kept bending and twisting the rabbit ears on top of the TV to try and fix the picture. After a few more seconds of tinkering, the picture and sound started to finally become clear as Mileena started to smile.

"At last!" Exclaimed Mileena as she looked at the TV, she believed it was one of those shows the Earthrealmers called a 'Game Show'. The woman didn't care what it was, all she wanted was for the TV to work.

But as she slowly started to let go of the ears, hoping to not mess up her hard work at getting signal, the TV immeditally went back to static as Mileena growled.

"No! Give me a break!" Mileena slammed her hand against the side of the television, only for it to have no effect.

"Ugh! Forget it!" Hissed Mileena as she turned a knob on the TV and shut it off. "Earthrealm TV's, what a waste of time anyway."

Mileena turned around and paced to the other side of her room, thinking of something she could do in the meantime while waiting. She reached down and picked up the remote control to the TV, and tossed it out of frustration at another side of the room. As she did, she heard the falling and scattering of several objects that sounded like books hitting the ground.

Mileena looked over with her arms crossed as she saw that below the TV were several fallen books. They must have been by the TV the entire time and Mileena just didn't notice.

"How could I have missed that?" Asked Mileena to herself as she walked over and picked up the books. They must have belonged to the last person who stayed in this room, its kind of ashamed just to leave several books behind to rot and collect dust. All of them were covered in dust as Mileena blew on them and dusted them off. Perhaps one of these Earthrealm books can sustain her entertainment and end her wretched boredom.

The first book she looked at was a worn book called Moby Dick or the Whale. She raised an eyebrow as she looked down at it. Nothing about the book caught her attention as she simply tossed it aside. "I never liked the ocean anyway..."

She looked at the second book that was called Sense and Sensibility. The cover of two plain looking women on the cover bored her out of her mind. Along with the title...

'Ugh... No thank you.' Thought Mileena tossing the book away. What was wrong with Earthrealm books? They were nothing like the books she read in Outworld. With all of them being about war and bloodshed, that would keep Mileena entertained for hours.

But when she looked at the final book, she saw that it was called "Frankenstein?... What is this?"

Finally, something caught the ex-empress' eye as she brought the book closer to her face to examine it. Mileena couldn't put her finger on it, but there was just something about this book that just drew her in. She scanned the book with her eyes as she slowly walked over to her small bed in the middle of the room and sat down in it.

Mileena flips the book around and reads the summary on the back. "Frankenstein tells the story of gifted scientist Victor Frankenstein who succeeds in giving life to a being of his own creation. However, this is not the perfect specimen he imagines that it will be, but rather a hideous creature who is rejected by Victor and mankind in general. The Monster seeks its revenge through murder and terror."

Mileena's interest in the book only vastly increased, raising one of her hands and lightly brushing her tarkatan teeth. Before flipping the book open and reading the first chapter.

One hour later...

'You doubtless recollect these papers. Here they are. Everything is related in them which bears reference to my accursed origin; the whole detail of that series of disgusting circumstances which produced it is set in view; the minutest description of my odious and loathsome person is given, in language which painted your own horrors and rendered mine indelible. I sickened as I read. `Hateful day when I received life!' I exclaimed in agony. `Accursed creator! Why did you form a monster so hideous that even YOU turned from me in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions, fellow devils, to admire and encourage him, but I am solitary and abhorred.' Mileena read Frankenstein's monsters speech in depth, realizing how the monster saw that his own creator was terrified by his existence. A hybrid, a monster created in a lab by a man who payed God and created an abomination.

A monster who was just introduced into the world only to be abandoned, hated, and mistreated for no other reason then for his odd appearance. Mileena grazed her thumb over the page as she took another moment to absorb the words that the 'monster' of the story was speaking. A monster with no allies to speak of, being forced to hide himself from others in fear of retribution, and being born as a child in an adults body and being thrown into a cold and unforgiving world.

Mileena thinks back to the day she first woke up in the flesh pits, the first person she has seen was her 'sister'... Princess Kitana. She saw her sister as being sad and alone, all she wanted to do was be a loving sister and join her, becoming a family. But instead of receiving love and admiration, she received fear and disgust as her sister backed away in fear. Calling her an abomination as she attacked her...

She was never taught how to control her anger or even act more civilized, her father wanted her to serve him and be his assassin. The only man she ever respected in her life, she obeyed Shao Kahn. And would die for him in a heartbeat. Which he did, all she had left of him was his throne which she would rule and honor his legacy.

... The next 25 years were horrible, she had to learn everything else on her own. When she was first born she was not stupid, but still extremely juvenile and extremely unstable. She was never taught any social skills to get her way, she was only taught violence which she used a lot... She was abandoned, manipulated, and mistreated countless times. Falling from glory do to her origin. A lab experiment.

Mileena would rarely ever sympathize with anyone in general, even in her rebel army whenever her allies would be in emotional pain or face some kind of disheartening truth... Mileena was unable to sympathize with them. But here, in this book, one of the only individuals she has ever felt sympathy for was an undead monstrosity in an Earthrealm book.

But before the Half-Tarkatan could read any further, she stopped in her tracks as she just got the feeling she forgot something. She lowered the book and looked to the side of the bed at the clock. Only to see she was ten minutes late for practice.

Mileena then closed the book and placed it on the bed as she got up and rushed out of the room as fast as she possibly could.

Minutes later in the Courtyard...

Mileena walked out into the courtyard where she looked around and saw only a few hand fulls of Shirai Ryu training. Mileena rose a brow at this in confusion, usually almost every member of the clan would be in the courtyard this time of the day sparring and training with one another. But that didn't stop Mileena as she slowly walked forward past the few members of the clan who were training.

The woman walked until she stood in the middle of the courtyard, only to look around yet again and see that her environment was still the same. Hasashi was supposed to have a class today, Mileena honestly thought she would be yelled at again for being late. But as she saw for herself, there was no class. Did Hasashi cancel class? No. With all of the time she spent around Hanzo, he wouldn't cancel class even if it was raining fire.

Mileena turned her heel and walked back to the temple. Still confused, she just exited the courtyard thinking, until she stopped and looked up noticing a group of young male Shirai Ryu who were talking amongst themselves.

'Hmm, maybe they know what's going on.' Thought Mileena as she then walked up behind the boys and spoke.

"Hey."

The young men stopped in their tracks and looked back at Mileena, all of them having small smiles on their faces. Even though Mileena was still much more excepted now then she was previously, it was still odd for her to see people smiling at her.

"Hey there, Mileena. What's up?" Asked one of the young men.

"Hasashi was supposed to teach a class now, but nobody's there. Did he cancel class?" Asked Mileena as the smiles on the young mens faces faded away as they all got uncomfortable looks. Looking at each other in worried expressions.

"What? What's going on?" Asked Mileena impatiently as one of the young men spoke up.

"Oh, you don't know. Do you?"

"Know what? Can you just tell me?" Asked Mileena who was getting more and more annoyed by the minute.

"This is the weeks anniversary of the first Shirai Ryu massacre. Master Hanzo... Is allowing everyone to take some time off. Probably to morn and pay respects." Said the young men as Mileena's budding anger and annoyance started to fade away at the realization.

"Oh... Well, I did not know that." Said Mileena as she firmly placed her hands on her hips, trying her best to hide her sympathetic side. "Although, I still wish to see him. Do you know where I can find him?"

The young men's uncomfortable looks worsened as they spoke. "Look, you new here so we'll give you some advice. During this time, we don't really bother Hanzo. He specifically asked everyone in the clan to leave him alone during the week. Even Takeda keeps his distance away from him at this time. Take our advice, you DON'T wanna bother Master Hanzo during this time."

But Mileena stood her ground, unafraid and unphased as she continued to look at the young man straight in his eye. "Thank you for the warning, but that still won't change my mind. So I'll ask again, where can I find him?"

"*Sigh*... Okay, we warned you. He usually spends his time in the Fire Garden meditating or stays in his room. Good luck." Said one of the young men as Mileena nodded her head at the boys and walked off.

Mileena walked through the halls of the Shirai Ryu temple, passing room after room as she was getting closer to Hanzo's room. Mileena was told about the death of the Shirai Ryu by Hanzo himself, how he saw his family be murdered right in front of him. Mileena isn't really someone who sympathizes with others, but here it was different. Mileena herself was no stranger to losing those she... cared about.

First there was Kit-... Her 'sister'... Kitana, who she hated. But... There was also Shao Kahn, the only father figure in her life. Only knowing him a few days at most before he was murdered. And of course there was Baraka. The only person she could ever truly call a... friend. No. Mileena didn't sympathize with Hanzo, she just wanted to talk to him to get him back in working order. So he could teach again. There is no other reason for her... None at all...

As Mileena was thinking this, she snapped out of her train of thought as she looked up and saw the large room with the paper doors next to her. Mileena straightened her back as she knocked on the wooden doors of the large room.

"Hello? Hanzo? Are you in there? Let me in, I want to have a word." But there was no response. So Mileena continued to knock several more times, only to get no reply. Mileena groaned in annoyance as she knocked on the wooden frame several more times. Only to of course get no answer.

"Hasashi? Hello? Are you in there? Hello? Open the door!" But just like before, no response. Mileena growled in annoyance under her breath again as she looked down the hall.

"He must be in the Fire Garden." Mileena spoke to herself as she walked down the hallway in the direction of the Fire Garden. But as Mileena looked back, she saw that one of the twin doors to the room was cracked open. The woman stopped and turned back around, walking up to the door to close it, so the 'Grandmaster' wouldn't get upset about someone possibly entering his quarters.

But as Mileena was about to close the paper doors, she took a peek inside. It looked exactly the same as it did that night. Mileena's eye dashed around the room in curiosity, but as it did, Mileena got an idea.

'Perhaps if I snoop around a bit in here, I will get a better idea of what he's going through.' Throwing all caution to the wind she slid the doors open and walked into the room. Looking around she walked deeper into the Grandmasters quarters. As Mileena looked around the clean room, the only thoughts that dashed through her head was 'For a male, he keeps his quarters remarkably clean...'

Mileena continued her sneaking around as she started looking through drawers and sheets, looking for something to give her a better sense of Hanzo's turmoil and a better understanding of him. But as she was looking through the drawers on Hanzo's nightstand, she opened the bottom drawer and saw a black box sitting in the open bottom drawer. Mileena looked at the box in confusion as she reached down and picked up the box and placed it on top of the nightstand.

'Perhaps whatever is in this box will give me a peek into his mindset.' Thought Mileena as she grabbed the lid with both hands and started to life it. As she lifted it up, she saw two items of interest sitting in the box that grabbed her attention. As the box was fully opened and the light peered down into the box illuminating it, Mileena fully saw the items.

The first item was a picture with burnt edges that appeared to be a family of three. But she noticed that Hanzo was one of the people in the picture, smiling like a fool. The other was a dark haired beautiful woman who was holding a baby in her arms. Mileena stared at the woman for a moment as she looked back up at the mirror sitting on Hanzo's nightstand. Despite the teeth and the messy hair, Mileena DID heavily resemble Hanzo's deceased wife.

'This... This must be his wife and kid. They look happy...' Thought Mileena as she continued to stare at the picture. But then looked over at the other item which appeared to be a burnt up toy that the Earthrealmers called 'Stuffed animals'. As Mileena stared at it for a few more seconds she saw that it heavily resembled an Earthrealm animal known as a bear, but... Much less threatening.

Mileena reached down and gently picked up the bear as she examined it. She believed this particular 'stuffed animal' was called... a Teddy Bear. As she stared at it, she just realized that the burnt toy was nearly completely destroyed. Half of it's face including it's eye was burnt off, it was also missing it's right arm and both legs. Mileena was amazed at the fact that the bear didn't immediately disintegrate in her hand.

But Mileena knew that if she held the bear any longer, it most likely will. The half-Tarkatan placed it gently back in the black box as she noticed a white slightly burnt tag on it's back, in Japanese characters it said 'Satoshi Hasashi'. Mileena's eyes widened in realization as she discovered who the bear originally belonged to.

'It was his sons bear... These two items must've been the only two items to survive the massacre. And he keeps them safe in this little box... The... the only items he had back when he was alive...'

Mileena looked down for a moment as she was pondering what she was going to do with this new found information. Perhaps she could give him something to ease his pain and get him back into working order. In Tarkatan culture, Tarkatans would bring the severed head or still beating heart of their opponent to a friend or mate to show loyalty, kinship, and affection. But, Mileena knew that human customs are much different then that.

But what else could she give him? Mileena scratched her chin as she thought to herself for a moment. That was until she looked back at the burnt teddy bear and the slightly burned picture.

And then, that's when it hit Mileena. 'That's it.'

Later...

Mileena walked down and reached the end of the hall and stood in front of a door. She opened up the door slowly and peered into the room. Last that she heard this room was a storage room where the Shirai Ryu would store several valued items and objects among the clans members. And with the amount of boxes and random objects scattered about with layers of dust on top of everything, Mileena knew that some of this stuff must have been here for years.

Mileena looked around as she coughed a bit and waved her hand to shoo away the dust particles in the air. She walked around the storage room as she looked at box after box. The woman managed to open up several boxes and dig through them for a while. With all the random materials and items in these boxes, she was confident in finding what she was looking for.

She dug through several more of the boxes to find several random objects, treasured objects stored by new and old members and just forgotten. Mileena found many different items, but still nothing she was looking for. She found a baseball, several dusty articles of clothing, glasses, a GameBoy, a fan, a lamp, several dusty books, and more.

But as Mileena stood back up and was about to give up on her search. Something caught her attention as she looked over to see exactly what she was looking for, she saw a dusty old teddy bear hanging off of a box. Mileena walked over to the bear as she spoke aloud.

"Finally, just what I was looking fo-..." But Mileena stopped mid-sentence as she got a closer look at the bear. The bear was only half completed with only a the right limb and leg complete with several patches of fur missing as stuffing would stick out of it. Mileena growled in annoyance and frustration.

"Is it too much to ask for a simple idiotic stuffed animal?" Asked Mileena out loud to nobody in particular. But before she could ponder what to do next, she saw that there was a sowing kit next to the bear.

Mileena grabbed the sowing kit and opened it up to see there was everything she needed inside of it. Light brown fabric, stuffing, a needle and all the string she needed, and a piece of paper that had quick instructions and pictures written on it. Mileena looked down at the kit then looked back at the half-completed bear. Then Mileena started to realize what she was doing, was she ACTUALLY considering using her own free time to complete some foolish Earthrealm children's toy to give to a ruthless assassin of the Shirai Ryu who also happens to be her ward?

'... I must be insane...' Thought Mileena. But as she tried to put the kit down and just leave, a part of her brain was nagging at her to complete the bear. Mileena fought against those thoughts for a while, only to become overwhelmed and break.

'Fine! I will complete the bear!' Mileena still held the kit in one hand as she reached down with the other to pick up the half-completed children's toy and brought it to her face.

"Hmm, I was the Empress of Outworld. I am a skilled and deadly assassin. How hard can making a simple childrens toy be?"

Earthrealm: Japan, The Shirai Ryu Temple, Several Days Later

"Dammit!" Yelled Mileena in frustration as she pricked her blood stained bandage finger once more with a needle. She was finally making the finishing touches on the teddy bear.

"Finally, I'm starting to finish this up. Now, only a few more stitches. Now, just carefully..." Mileena said aloud to herself as she carefully and successfully applied the last few stitches the bear needed to finally reach completion. But as Mileena was about to apply the final stitch, she slipped as the needle jabbed her deep in the finger as she quickly pulled her finger away.

"Son of a bitch! That hurt!" Yelled Mileena as she held her hand and started to rub her finger.

"Can't a guy meditate in peace?" Mileena heard a young male voice spoke through the thin paper walls as she looked over at her paper door and silently cursed herself for being so loud.

She saw a shadow of a man walk up to the door and slide it open as Mileena got off of her bed and stood there, but then realized the teddy was still sitting on the bed in plain view. She snatched up the bear just in time as the paper door opened to reveal an annoyed Takeda.

"Okay, what's going on? You've been yelling and curing so loud that the entire temple can hear you! What's going on?" Asked Takeda as he took several steps into the room as Mileena tightened her grip around the teddy that she hid behind her back.

"It was nothing. I just... Stubbed my foot and it hurts. Now please, if you will kindly-"

"Wait... what's all that stuff on your bed?" Asked Takeda as he pointed over to Mileena's bed as Mileena looked down to see all the supplies she was using to complete the bear as Mileena searched her brain for an excuse.

"What are you doing with that stuff?"

"Oh, I was umm... I was just sowing up tears and holes in my sheets and pillow. Now please-"

"How did you get holes and tears in your sheets?"

"If you don't leave in the next minute you will be leaving with tears and holes." Growled Mileena, getting tired of Takeda's constant questioning, as the young man looked back up from the bed and looked at Mileena's left hand, which appeared to be hiding something behind her back.

"What's that?" Asked Takeda.

"What's what?" Asked Mileena, playing dumb.

"What are you hiding behind your back?"

"Nothing! Now go away!" Yelled Mileena frustrated. But Takeda wouldn't let up. He walked closer as Mileena backed up, if she wasn't hiding this teddy bear behind her back, she would literally grab Takeda and throw him out of her quarters. But she was currently unable to do that for obvious reasons. Mileena kept slowly backing away as Takeda kept his same slow pace.

But just when Mileena least suspected it, Takeda dashed forward and made his way next to Mileena. Looking down and seeing the teddy bear she was hiding behind her back. Mileena blushed and turned back to him with a venomous look as Takeda looked down at her with a confused expression.

"Wait... why do you have a teddy bear?"

"It is none of your business! Now get out or else I will throw you out the window!" Threatened Mileena with a harsh glare and blushing cheeks. Takeda and Mileena stared at each other a little longer, until Takeda got a smirk on his face.

"Oh... I see now. You LIKE someone. So tell me... Who is it?" Asked Takeda with a smirk on her face as Mileena glared at him even harder silently.

"This is my final warning, Boy... Leave, or else you will become my next meal!" Growled Mileena as she pointed to the door with her free hand. Takeda simply put up his hand defensively and waved them, still smirking down at Mileena as he inched his way towards the door.

"Alright, I'll leave you to your work, lovebird. Just... try to keep the volume down, alright?" Said Takeda as he walked out of the room and pulled the doors shut.

Mileena growled in annoyance one more as her face flustered. She pulled the teddy bear back from behind her and looked down on it. Cursing the bear and whoever invented it in her mind. She was a vicious warrior, she would literally tear men limb from limb and eat their flesh. But here she was, making and Earthrealm children's toy and being incredibly embarrassed because of it.

"Now this... this is what the Earthrealmers call 'Rock Bottom'." Mileena said to herself as she examined the teddy with her eyes. Seeing that it was indeed complete. Of course very flawed and hastily made, but... It was still better then when it was incomplete. Mileena saw several threads hanging from the sides of the bear as she reached over to her bed and picked up a pair of scissors which she used to snip the hanging pieces of thread off. After cutting off the last piece of thread, Mileena tossed the pair of scissors back on the bed and held her creation up in the light to fully inspect it.

"Finally. It is done." She brought the bear back down to chest level as her eyes followed it.

"Now, I just need to find him. Last I recalled I heard he would visit the original home of the Shirai Ryu at the end of the week... Hopefully this will help him out of his state and have him focusing on his teachings once more..."

Earthrealm: Japan, One Mile off of The Shirai Ryu Temple, Later That Night

Mileena walked nearly a mile away from the temple and through the woods, only after around five to eight minutes of walking Mileena finally approached a clearing. She approached a clearing with swaying long grass and a hill. Mileena stopped to look around and take in the nightly scenery, looking up to see the bright stars in the night sky and feel the cool nightly summer breeze.

When she felt like she took in enough of the scenery, she walked up the hill, all the while carrying a black sack around her waste that dangled off of her. As Mileena finally made her way up the hill, she got a clear view of what was on the other side of the hill. She saw a large black spot in the ground that was several hundred feet wide. Mileena could see several mostly burnt and destroyed structures still standing.

"That must be it..." Said Mileena as she slowly made her way down the hill as she made her way closer to the massive black spot. As she made her way closer, she could see more and more clearly that it wasn't just some black spot in the Earth, there was a whole village where that black spot used to be. Mileena saw several dozen mostly destroyed structures scattered around with piles of burnt wood and burnt trees everywhere. She looked over and saw a path that lead to the destroyed village, the woman made her way to the path as she slowly walked down it.

Passing several cherry blossom trees along the way before finally making her way to the destroyed village. But before she entered, she saw a stone mantle standing right in front of where the path ended. Mileena looked down at the mantle as she silently read it.

'In Remembrance of the Village of the Shirai Ryu. Never forget.' She broke her eyes from the mantle as she looked back up at the destroyed village in front of her. She slowly walked into the destroyed village and looked around. Mileena didn't know exactly when the first Shirai Ryu massacre happened, Mileena believed that it was somewhere over 25 years ago. Several years before the final Mortal Kombat tournament.

Even though the massacre happened nearly 30 years ago, the destruction still looks recent and fresh. It was obvious that the sight was barely touched and well preserved, even with the rain and snow throughout the seasons, it was remarkably well preserved.

With being the leader of the rebel army in the Outworld civil war, Mileena was no stranger to this scale of destruction. Both sides, hers and Kotal Kahns would raid enemy camps and villages, either for food, supplies, or useful information. Mileena herself would lead the pillaging in several Outworld villages that supported the reign of Kotal Kahn. Burning down buildings and houses, even killing civilians... An unpleasant feeling ran through Mileena as she looked at all the destruction around her. Remembering back to all of her own raids... she remembers during the raiding of one village that supported Kotal's reign, Mileena burned down to the ground and ordered the execution of everyone.

But as the village burnt to the ground with Mileena and her fellow rebels leaving, she looked back and saw a little girl walking through the burning village, scared and confused. Probably looking for her parents. Who most likely were dead. Mileena remembers staring at the girl with no emotion as the girl stared back at Mileena. But Mileena simply turned around and left. Leaving the girl and her destroyed village behind...

This unpleasant feeling zipped through Mileena yet again, this feeling was very alien to her. She only felt this feeling a few times, it was... something like... shame? Regret? Being literally born to kill, Mileena rarely ever felt this feeling. But just gazing upon this destroyed village, caused that feeling inside of her to go haywire.

But as Mileena was in her own mind, she felt her foot catch on something. Some kind of cloth? It stopped Mileena in her tracks as she looked back down to see what caught her foot. She bent down and picked it up, it was a yellow gold-like cloth that was burnt and worn, but still amazingly possessed several of its shining features. Mileena saw that the cloth had the Shirai Ryu symbol on it as she tried to decipher what it was. It looked much like that cloth that's wrapped around infants that mothers use.

Mileena... could instantly guess who the cloth originally belonged to, looking back up, she looked around and saw that she was in the heart of the original Shirai Ryu village. As she continued to stand there and survey the area for several more minutes, she spotted the location she was seeking. Or more precisely, WHO she was seeking.

Several hundred feet away from the destroyed village, she saw that there was a mass burial sight with nearly a hundred graves with some of them being traditional tombs and most of them being crudely made wooden sight indicators. As Mileena squinted a bit, she saw that there were small lights illuminating from each grave, each plot had a candle light sitting in front of them. And as she continued to scan the area, she finally found a figure who was kneeling in front of one of the stone graves.

"There you are..." Said Mileena silently as she placed the yellow cloth where she found it as she walked over to where the man was.

Hanzo was kneeling down in front of two grave stones. Both with Japanese lettering on them, the first reading 'Harumi Hasashi' and the second one reading 'Satoshi Hasashi'. Both being clean and polished tomb stones with flower peddles and traditional candles covering the both of them. The entire time Hanzo held his head down in absolute sadness and respect, before looking back up with a sad smile.

"Hello, Kana my wife. Hello, Satoshi my son. My apologies for being late." Hanzo reached behind him and pulled out two pieces of paper and gently placed each piece of paper on the face of each stonehead. Both being a traditional sketch of Hanzo's wife and son. Hanzo then pulling out a small sack of peaches that he pulled out and put several peaches in front of each stonehead. Finally, Hanzo held out his finger and ignited a flicker of fire, slowly bringing his finger closer to the unlit candles as he lit them both up. Before extinguishing the flame on his finger.

Hanzo continued to stare at the tombstones wordlessly as he started to sadly smile. "I... I also got something else for you..."

The ex-Specter of the Shirai Ryu then reached behind himself and pulled out what seemed to be a beautiful bouquet of flowers and held it in front of him. "I'm sorry, I forgot which flowers were your favorite. So I got the most beautiful ones. I hope you like them..."

Hanzo placed the bouquet of flowers on Kana's grave, as the then glanced over at Satoshi's grave. "We... we never really got to know what Satoshi liked... But, I got him something as well..."

Hanzo pulled out a small bag from behind him as he held it up. "Remember when we talked about getting him a omamari when he got older? Something to protect him and bring him luck? I got him one..." Hanzo placed the omamari in front of Satoshi's grave as Hanzo lost his grim smile and frowned once more.

"If only I could've protected you..." Stated Hanzo as tears began to flow down his face, all the while staring at the gravestones of his family.

Mileena walked closer as she hid behind a tree that was only a few feet away from Hanzo. Mileena saw the whole thing, peaking out behind the tree and still holding the teddy bear behind her back. Being incredibly grateful that he hadn't noticed her yet. 'So... Those were their names. He really loved them, didn't he?'

Mileena continued hiding behind a tree as she peaked once more to see Hanzo in the same kneeling position before looking back a the teddy bear. '*Sigh*... Well, here it goes.'

Mileena stepped out from behind the tree and slowly began to walk forward. Hanzo heard the footsteps behind him as he pulled his head back up and turned his head around to see Mileena slowly walking up to him. The two stared at each other silently for a few moments before Hanzo, who was staring at her with a confused expression spoke.

"Mileena? Why are you out of the temple? Why are you here?" Mileena looked down, and while trying to hide her embarrassment as well as she could, she pulled the teddy bear back out from behind her and held it in front of her. Hanzo looked on in shock and confusion as she looked straight at the crudely constructed bear with surprise. After a few more seconds of silence past, Hanzo broke the silence.

"Is that a... a teddy bear?" Asked Hanzo confused as Mileena turned her gaze to meet his eyes once more and spoke.

"I heard of how much this annual period of time pains you, so... I went through the liberty of constructing what you Earthrealmers called, a teddy bear. I discovered that... your son, enjoyed it." Said Mileena with a bit of a fearful and embarrassed tone as Hanzo simply stared at the bear in shock. As far as Hanzo knew, Mileena has NEVER, not even ONCE in her life has ever given a gift to anyone in her life. But here she was, giving Hanzo not JUST a teddy bear, but a teddy bear that she herself constructed. Hanzo was stricken speechless.

"Well? Are you going to take it or not?" Asked Mileena impatiently, growing more annoyed and embarrassed every passing moment.

Hanzo snapped out of his trance as he reached out and slowly took the bear from Mileena's hand. Hanzo started looking down at the bear as he started inspecting it and looking at it in a much closer light. The bear wasn't nearly as perfect and well-made as a professional store brought bear, but even a blind man could tell that a lot of heart and hard work was put into making it. Mileena watched Hanzo look at the bear as Mileena started to speak.

"Look... I understand that my craft isn't perfect, there is much wrong with-" But Mileena was silenced when Hanzo looked back up at her and spoke.

"Mileena, what are you talking about? This is prefect. It isn't made with business in mind, but kindness... Jubei will love this..." Said Hanzo as he looked at the bear with a small smile on his face, as Mileena for a moment gained a shocked look before turning away and crossing her arms. Trying to hide her embarrassment as best as she could and keep her hard and tough front standing. Mileena couldn't be more grateful for wearing that veil on her face, for hiding her blushing face.

"Don't overthink it. Think of it as repayment for helping me. It was nothing more then a debt payment. Nothing more." Said Mileena who held her arms crossed and looked away from Hanzo.

Hanzo simply gave her a small smile before turning back to look at his sons grave. He looked at the bear once more before placing it on Satoshi's grave. The bear sat there, with bits of white fluff sticking out, patches of hair missing, several points where you could see poorly executed stitches, a missing ear, and more. All of that was invisible to Hanzo as he stared at Satoshi's tombstone where the bear sat. His original bear was nearly completely destroyed... THAT night. But, now he has a new one.

Hanzo continued to keel in front of Harumi and Satoshi's graves as Mileena stood there staring down at Hanzo. Several more moments of silence passed before a gust of wing broke a the silence, Hanzo was still focused on the graves as Mileena looked up and saw a gust of wind carrying several peddles and leaves, it appeared like they were dancing around as the gust of wind dashed and spun all around before blowing across the two graves.

For some reason, it reminded Mileena of a young child who was happily dancing around with a new toy. The woman had no idea how that image entered her mind, but... Maybe, what if it was one of the spirits of the deceased Shirai Ryu? No, that was just plain out crazy talk.

"Mileena..." Mileena snapped out of her own trance as she looked back down at Hanzo, who was still kneeling in front of the graves. Hanzo remained speechless as he gestured his hand to his right to an open space right next to him. Mileena glanced back at forth at Hanzo and the empty space for a few seconds before walking over and kneeling down herself. Mileena keeled down next to Hanzo as she stared at the graves silently.

A few more minutes of silence passed as Mileena tried to think of something to end it. "... What were they like?"

"... Kana, was one of the loveliest and kindest people you would ever meet. She was always kind and considerate, always offering help and assistance whenever she could. Not to mention, she was... one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life..." Hanzo remained silent for a moment as he quickly glanced at Mileena, seeing that she was indeed was listening. Hanzo continued.

"Jubei, was only several months old. And with how much I went out and worked, I barely got to know him. He always smiled when he saw me... He was so happy." Said Hanzo as he laughed a bit with a grim tone.

"They... They sound lovely." Remarked Mileena in a bit of a nervous yet honest tone.

"Mileena."

"Yes?"

"Thank you for your gift and your presence." Stated Hanzo as a few more seconds of silence passed.

"...Your welcome, Hanzo." The two continued to keel down in front of the graves, paying their respects.

Later...

Several hours later, Hanzo and Mileena were walking through the forest that bordered the Shirai Ryu temple. The two remaining silent most of the way. Mileena held her hands behind her back as she kept her eyes pointed down at the ground while Hanzo had his hands to his side as he walked and looked straight forward.

Hanzo glanced over at Mileena who was still staring down at the ground wordlessly, as Hanzo decided to break the silence. "I've been hearing that you've started making friends within the clan, since taking on that bold challenge."

"Your words, not mine." Said Mileena, still not entirely comfortable using the word 'friend'.

"Okay then, associates. I've also been hearing about how you've become quite the teacher yourself. You've only been here for a few weeks and you already have students yearning to learn from you. Impressive." Complimented Hanzo as Mileena cleared her throat a bit.

"It's nothing. Really. Those clueless children need someone as skilled and professional as me to guide them anyway, or what use would they provide?" Asked Mileena, at this point, Hanzo easily seeing through Mileena's bluff.

"Hmm, of course. I've also see that you spend much of your free time in your room. What have you been doing to pass the time in there?"

"Oh, umm... Nothing. Just, meditating." Said Mileena in a dismissive tone as Hanzo looked over at her and looked over at the bag she had strapped to her waste. At this point, Hanzo just realized that the two were already half-way up the long stair case that led to the Shirai Ryu temple. He stared at the bag on her waste, as he stared he saw what appeared to be the shape of a book.

As the two started to reach the final steps, Hanzo reached into the bag and pulled out what was in Mileena's bag and looked at it. Mileena was in shock as she turned around and snatched at the air to try and take the book back

"Wait! No-" But Mileena was too late as she saw Hanzo examine the cover of the book.

"Mary Shelley's Frankenstein?" Said Hanzo as the two reached the top of the stair case and stood there.

"What did I do wrong this time?" Asked Mileena as she placed her hands on her hips.

"Nothing. It's just that I didn't take you as a fan of science fiction." Said Hanzo as he handed the book back to Mileena.

"I originally thought it was in the genre of horror." Said Mileena looking at the book.

"Well, you could technically count it as both. Hey, have you ever seen the 1931 film directed by James Whale and starring Boris Karloff as the monster?" Asked Hanzo as Mileena looked back up at him.

"Shao Kahn nor I were much into Earthrealm movies." Said Mileena flatly as Hanzo walked forward towards the Shirai Ryu's main doors. Hanzo stopped and looked up as he saw one of the night guards patroling the top of the wall.

"Shiro!" The night guard stopped his walk and looked down to see his Grandmaster calling for him. The night guard quickly jumped down and stood before Hanzo.

"Yes, Grandmaster? How can I help you?"

"Get the old projector out and prep some popcorn. Drenched in butter." Said Hanzo as he smirked and glanced back at Mileena, who seemed to be smiling under her veil.

"I'd personally reconsider the butter, Master Hasashi. You know, fattening and bad for the cholesterol." Said the ninja as Hanzo's smirk got a bit bigger.

"I feel like being daring tonight." Said Hanzo as the ninja bowed his head.

"Of course, Master." Confirmed the ninja before leaping away. The two massive double doors to the temple's courtyard opened up as Hanzo turned back to Mileena and gestured through the doors.

Mileena smirked as she made her way through the doors. "Very well, but we better not see any movies starring Johnny Cage."

As Mileena walked through, Hanzo subtlety laughed under his voice before following Mileena. "I wouldn't dream of it."

The two walked in as the two massive gate doors closed.

Netherrealm: Quan Chi's Old Lair

"Show me your POWER!" Roared Skarlet who was in her traditional tournament outfit as she punched Johnny with a vicious right hook, as the actor fell to the ground. The ex-hotshot actor had cuts and bruises all over him as he slowly picked himself back up and coughed up a bit of blood.

"Ahh... How nostalgic, this reminds me of when Skarlet nearly beat your worthless seed and Jaqcui Briggs to death. Ahh, good times." Said Havik, reminiscing as Johnny glared over at him.

"Go fuck yourself, you Skeletor wannabe piece of shi- UGH!" Johnny couldn't finish his sentence as Skarlet dashed in and kicked Johnny in the face, sending him to the ground once more.

Johnny pushed himself back up once more as he spat out a bit of blood and looked at Havik once more. "Have Lady Leech beat me up as much as you want Havik, your never going to get my green energy... The only way your gonna get my green energy is when I shove my fist up you ass."

"Get up!" Growled Skarlet as she grabbed Johnny by the collar of his shirt and lifted him back on his feet.

"We WILL get your power, Cage. If necessary, we shall destroy your body, mind, and spirit to get your green energy. Just like your daughter... In fact, perhaps we will take your daughter and torture her in front of you to force out that green mystical energy of yours..." Remarked Skarlet as Johnny simply glared back at the woman.

"I'm taking this from a chick who's wearing a few pieces of string as underwear?" Quipped Johnny as Skarlet's glare at Johnny intensified.

"I will have you know they are an ASSASSINS attire!" Snapped Skarlet.

"You wearing barely anything, and you have red hair. When I was younger and went to a strip club, the main attraction looked exactly like you. The only difference was her name Cherri, that ended in an I by the way. It won't matter anyway, once my girls find me, you'll be so sorry..." Remarked Johnny with a smirk as Skarlet lept into the air and kneed the actor in the face, fracturing his chin and sending him flying back.

"Snark won't save you, Cage. All you can do is prey for death... or, simply give up the energy. Either way, we will get what we want..." Said Havik standing on the side with his arms folded behind his back as Skarlet marched forward towards the injured Johnny as she cracked her knuckles. Readying herself for another beating session.

Note: What? You think this would be a Scorpion/Mileena fanfiction without the involvement of Teddies? Guess again! Geez, with all the people Mileena has hooked up with you'd think this fanfiction would be named Scorpion vs the World. Where Scorpion has to defeat Mileena's evil ex's in order to be her boyfriend... Wait, that sounds interesting. Quick! Someone write a fanfiction about that! Also, with the whole Frankenstein thing, doesn't Mileena remind you guys of Frankenstein at all? A new creation made from the parts of other beings? Brought into the world and abandoned by their creators? I mean, if Skarlet could have an interest in Dracula why can't Mileena have an interest in Frankenstein? Also, I wanna say something else. Just because I haven't uploaded a new chapter for an extended amount of time doesn't mean I'm quitting the story. I hate it when Fanfiction authors stop without any conformation that they are done writing. If I do quit this fanfiction for any reason, I will be sure to inform you and not leave you hanging in the air. Also, I changed the first chapter a bit. After rereading it, yeah the... the uhh, attempted rape scene doesn't fit into the story and is just uncomfortable. So, yeah. Changed that. Anyway, don't hesitate to comment guys. I love getting feedback and responses to what I write, and honestly it also motivates me to make more chapters faster. I hope you enjoyed.

#Mortal Kombat #Scorpion #Mileena #Fanfiction #ScorpionxMileena #Hanzo Hasashi #johnny cage #takeda takahashi #skarlet #Teddy Bear #Kana Hasashi #Jubei Hasashi #Shirai Ryu

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