#and it was a great learning experience.. plus im proud that i actually did it i guess?

[gay--dog]

also heres the initial screenshot i took for reference & also some of the progress shots of it if anyones interested ^_^ thanks for all the kind words on this piece btw it really means a lot,, im glad so many people like it hehe

In the lion's garden the air is clear and smells like drying blood.

+alts :P

im not sure how much i like this, but ive been working on it for over a month and i really wanted to finish it before artfight ^^; either way it was a great learning experience! and flesh of the killer (as well as anthology of the killer as a whole) really really means a lot to me, so it was super awesome and fun to be able to put a lot of thought and effort into some fanart for it :3

[scarecrowmax]

misc. tag game...

Thank you for the tag @the-cinnamontography-is-amazing <3

a band you don’t like that many others do:

not technically a band but taylor swift. i just never really liked her music and i find her so overplayed that it's actually gotten to the point i get annoyed when i hear it played.

a childhood memory that you remember vividly:

one day i came home from school after we got to visit the school library and i borrowed the bailey school kids book about cupids and so when i got home i laid down on my top bunk and read the whole book and finished just in time for dinner and i was so proud of myself for finishing it so fast until i remembered it was gonna be a full week before we got to go back to the library

least favorite animal and why:

i don't necessarily have a least favorite animal but i guess small dogs? i just find them weirdly unnerving and so often they're so loud and badly trained and not washed often enough so they smell and i just don't really like them

hot fandom take:

just because someone/something is popular in the fandom it doesn't mean it/they're good. sometimes people or concepts just suck either in general or for your experience and it's fine to not interact/block/not consume that content if it isn't doing it for you.

do you wear any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece:

i wear a ring on each hand every day and i wear earrings and necklaces sometimes too. i love my rings, my hands feel naked without them honestly, but my current favorite piece is probably a necklace i made out of a broken ring. it was an adjustable one and one side snapped off so i snapped off the other side, added a jump ring through an open part of it and added a chain. it's a spider holding a skull. its super fun and very different to a lot of my other pieces.

a movie others liked but you didn’t:

i'm not really a fan of the original evil dead trilogy. like the concept is cool but the humor, the stop motion animation, and a lot of the deadite makeup is just not really my taste. i do love the 2013 movie though. big fan of that one.

three things you love about yourself:

i've learned to be just okay at things and still have fun doing them, i have really pretty eyes, the fact i make a lot of things be it food or crafts or fandom stuff i just like making things

a place you hope to visit in the future and why:

i'd love to visit somewhere outside the us sometime because i never have before

an actor that gets on your nerves and why:

there's several and honestly it's either their energy or they did some fucked up shit and im tired of people talking about them. im not gonna name names though.

things you’re excited for in the nearby future?:

i'm gonna see a band I really like on the 17th of next month and it's gonna be so great because it's a small venue so I'll almost assuredly have a great view. plus tickets with service fees were $17.50 a piece which rocks. im spending more on gas to see them than on tickets which i find funny.

least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in:

i have zero interest in naming names here, i'll keep that in my exclude tags lists on ao3

what’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in?:

i don't think i'm actually in any. i don't interact with shit like that because i'm in fandoms to have fun and enjoy shit so i stay out of drama and will block people who suck and then forget they exist

list three things you find beautiful about life:

people care about each other even when we don't know each other, there's a million little joys to be found in life, you can meet someone and have a great time together at an event and never speak again but you'll remember them fondly and do it over and over again.

any dreams for the future?

uhhhh, not really? I've never been a big dreamer. i'm a day by day girlie from way back

how are you really feeling today?

not too bad, i was good earlier but i played a couple video games too long earlier and now my ability to focus my eyes is a little screwy and I've got a bit of a headache

tag you're it if you're up for it @rossmccallsqueen @fromcrossroadstoking @tvserie-s-world

[moonlit-imagines]

Headcanons for being Tony Stark’s Daughter (The Teenage Years)

Tony Stark x daughter!reader

warnings:

a/n: this is LONG so please dont let this flop

prompt: y/n is 12-16, takes place from Avengers 1 to Avengers 2

The Early Years (1) The Intense Years (3) The Aftermath (4) Continued (5)

starting out with tony powering stark tower with clean energy:

it was very late, you were supposed to be asleep

“what are you doing up, missy? it’s way past your bedtime”

“it’s my fault, i let her stay up to see her dad’s big achievement” -pepper

just vibing on the couch with absolutely no intention of sleeping anytime soon

you really did take after your dad

“how was the show, sweetheart?”

“uh, cool?”

coulson showing up when he did

you were excited bc you knew he had to be there for superhero stuff

“hi, agent coulson!!”

“hey there, kiddo!

BEGGING to come with your dad

“no. absolutely not. there is absolutely no way im letting you get involved in any of this”

you got involved

but like, not the whole “im a 12 year old superhero” involved

“y/n, sweetie, this is dr. banner, you’re gonna be his assistant in the lab!”

“—what?” *bruce utterly shocked*

talking that man’s ear off oh my GOD

he taught you a few things along the way, though

it ended up being very educational

“yeah i built my own suit! it’s definitely not as cool as my dad’s...and he put a bunch of safety controls on it. obviously, i could bypass them and do whatever i wanted, but it’s best not to break his trust, you know?”

“you are astonishingly wise for a 12 year old”

bruce being kind of scared around you because he thinks he could hurt you

also scared you might hurt yourself on the scepter

CASUALLY talking to the rest of the avengers

“so, you’re stark’s daughter? now i’ve met three generations of starks.” -steve

“oh, wonderful, there’s a smaller one!” -thor

“hey, y/n, it’s good to see you again. still practicing those moves i showed you?” -natasha

listennnn as you got older you started to exert more of your father’s personality traits

you developed his sarcastic and occasionally ill-timed humor...and

YOU WERE COCKY AS FUCK

“i mean, i’m not saying that i’m better than you but i know you’re thinking it”

when the helicarrier was attacked nobody really knew the correct way to protect you

“dad? dad??”

“right here, y/n, come with me”

tony brought your suit for emergency purposes

“you put this on and you stay here, understand?”

oh, another thing you got from him? NOT LISTENING

helping where you could, the first step to becoming a superhero, right?

being really upset when coulson died

but understanding that it was apart of the job

going back to new york for some alien ass kicking and having the whole team check on you every thirty seconds

“y/n, how’s it going?” “stark junior, are you doing okay?” “need any help out there, kid?”

“you guys don’t have to babysit me” “i’m still kickin’ it, thanks”

tony calling right before he went through the wormhole

“hey sweetheart, just gotta let you know that i love you and i am so proud of everything you’ve done”

the avengers holding you back from him when he fell back to the ground because you were unreasonably worried for obvious reasons

“is he breathing? steve? steve, let me see him! JARVIS, are you there?”

falling on the ground and hugging him (with your clunky-ass armor still on)

“hey! yeah, i missed you too”

*clink clink* pat on the back

schwarma stop

“you’re gonna eat it and you’re gonna like it”

having your own input on the stark tower remodel

taking a slight pause for random stuff

you’ve definitely drawn his mustache/goatee on your face before

“please tell me that’s not permanent marker”

“it’s permanent marker”

you and pepper doing mother/daughter things for bonding (but you and her already had a great relationship)

unreasonable amount of cussing from your father has rubbed off onto you and now he doesn’t notice when you say bad words

natasha taught you how to shoot so that was cool

“if i can shoot a repulsor, i think i can shoot a gun”

“whatever you say, baby stark”

obviously the team is just a bunch of protective uncles and an aunt

“i miss [insert avenger here]”

resume to iron man 3

just tinkering in the shop with pops

“are you sure that’s safe, dad?”

“duh, why wouldn’t it be safe?”

you were right and it was not safe

sometimes you proved your dad wrong and it made him happy?

“well would you look at that, you’re right”

learning how to help your dad with his anxiety and panic attacks

the house in malibu got blown up and your dad disappeared

you were benched by pepper effective immediately

“don’t you think it would be better if i were still out there? someone has to be out there and...i don’t know, protect the people?”

“y/n, please, you’re still a kid. i can excuse fighting aliens but i draw the line at terrorism”

“you can excuse fighting aliens??”

pepper sent you to a different house and hired a...babysitter

zip zip zip its AOU time yall remember the beginning of that at the hydra base

*explosion* “oh, shit! didn’t mean to do that...”

“watch your language, y/n!” -cap

“don’t tell my daughter what to do!”

having an external monologue that everyone just kind of rolls with

“glad i put a heater in this suit” “anyone up for burgers?” *humming Eye of the Tiger*

going back to the lab with tony and bruce and being very uncomfortable with the idea of ultron

“okay dad, you know how im usually right?”

“lighten up, kiddo. remember what i taught you about trial and error? this is a learning experience”

*bruce and you side eying*

“i’ll ground you”

“what?!”

“kidding, im kidding”

a lot of kid jokes from other partygoers

“isnt it past your bedtime”

“very funny”

actually dressing up nice for a change, as opposed to an oil-stained band tee

but then ur outfit was ruined because you had to shoot murder bots :(

“not cool! i designed this room!”

tony still got all the blame for ultron while you and bruce went 😬

tony made a joke about ultron being your brother and you didn’t talk to him for hours

“oh, come on! you have to learn to laugh at your mistakes!”

“poor choice of words, stark” -literally everyone

🎶getting to see your worst feaaar🎶

which was a mixture between tony not surviving the wormhole and being abandoned and vulnerable again

your phone got confiscated “because of ultron”

meeting wanda and pietro on better terms

“you are stark’s daughter?”

“um, yeah, that’s me. i sincerely apologize for anything he’s ever done wrong while i’ve been alive”

actually getting along with them (plus you were in a similar age range)

“uncle rhodey!!!”

“staying out of trouble, i hope?”

“define ‘trouble’”

okay okay, enough of that. besides a few robots hitting you and you hitting harder...and ultron taking a couple personal jabs at you after accessing some of your social media accounts...it went back to normal(ish)

you made a friend of wanda and visited the avengers compound weekly and helped with training

and nat gave you some spy pointers to help you if you ever found yourself without the suit

when you left the compound after thor that day, you had some nice father/daughter time

“why don’t i give you a driving lesson, yeah?”

“you’re gonna trust me to drive this thing?”

“sure, why not?”

you drove very fast, wonder where you learned that from

he was clasping onto the seats and whispering curse words

“next time, you can drive with happy”

[arofili]

For the character ask: all the children of Finarfin

How I feel about this character:

Finrod: charming slutty blond twink with a heart of gold. maybe that’s too much fanon and not enough canon but you can tear that characterization from my cold dead hands tbh. like yes this is King “I Killed A Werewolf With Nothing But My Teeth And The Power Of Love” but he’s also Prince “I Rap Battled With Sauron And Lost” and Lord “I Befriended Men and Dwarves Before It Was Cool”

Angrod: of all his siblings i think he’s the most… Angry Boy. he has a temper, but he’s also married with a kid (I subscribe to the Orodreth Angrodion version of canon). i think he’s the ‘oh my god why can’t any of you be NORMAL’ brother. BOTH his mother name and his father name are derived from the word for ‘iron’ - he’s got an iron personality, very strong-willed and stubborn. i also hc that he’s the only arafinwean who has Earwen’s silver hair.

Aegnor: a hopeless romantic. the dreamiest arafinwion (and that’s including artanis!). very particular about his hair (which is a WILD canon detail that i love sjdfhdk) but also has terrible fashion. his head’s always in the clouds, he’s a daydreamer, but he’s also incredibly loyal and a really good friend. he almost always listens to his heart over his head - and the fact that he and andreth never marry is the One Time he listened to logic over emotion, and that haunts him forever.

Galadriel: almost as much of a genius as Feanor and almost as humble about it, which is to say, not at all. she’s proud and stubborn and full of herself, especially in her youth - she’s also gorgeous and smart and right a lot of the time, which doesn’t help her ego. by the time she’s become Lady of Lothlorien she’s been through a lot and is much more humble and wise, but i think that comes not just from her experiences but also from being married to Celeborn the Wise. i think he balances her out very well tbh. (my favorite Galadriel characterization EVER is from this fic by @nerdanelparmandil, check it out!!)

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Finrod: I ship Finrod with anything that moves tbh….. I see him as super super gay, he and Amarie were mutual beards which is why she didn’t follow him to Endore. i am a Known Slut for Finrod/Turgon in particular, they’re kind of endgame for me, but also @raisingcain-onceagain​ has converted me to Finrod/Edrahil!! And while the Nargothrond Disaster Trio are in no way shape or form HEALTHY, i really really enjoy Celegorm/Curufin/Finrod content, that dynamic is delicious. i can also get down on Maedhros/Fingon/Finrod, though not really in a serious way. PLUS Finrod/Beor is very good, as is Finrod/Barahir and Finrod/Beren(/Luthien if we’re feeling spicy), and you KNOW he got busy with some dwarves! I just think he’s very free with his feelings and desires, especially after coming to Beleriand, and he takes full advantage of his freedom and position of authority to get what he wants. (not necessarily in a weird power dynamics way, though he’s into that kind of kinky shit too probably, i mean more in ‘it’s my kingdom i get to make the rules and i say No Homophobia and No Slutshaming’) - and I’m super happy to multiship with Finrod, there are verses where he’s fucking everyone and verses where he’s pining over Turgon and verses where he never even thinks about anyone other than Edrahil and etc etc etc. there’s probably even verses where he and Sauron get up to some funky shit!

Angrod: I don’t have a lot of headcanons about him and Eldalote. She has a Sindarin name, so maybe she came with him to Middle-earth - or maybe not, and he just missed her so much that he wouldn’t shut up about her and so her name was Sindarized to Edhellos. Either way I think they had a very strong relationship that ended in tragedy one way or another. I’ve also seen some fun Angrod/Caranthir enemies-to-lovers stuff, which I can get into, but I think Caranthir is aro so it’s not really my main hc.

Aegnor: i mean how can you NOT ship him and Andreth??? that relationship is just….so tragic and heartbreaking and beautiful. I like the theory that Gil-galad was their child, and he was given to Orodreth to raise because Andreth couldn’t care for an elfling and Aegnor couldn’t publicly claim a son out of wedlock. But also verses where they are just tragically pining after one another are beautiful in their own way. My headcanon is that the thing keeping them apart was less about the war going on and more about Aegnor fearing to lose her - but then he actually dies before her, and Andreth has to live with that pain. (idk if that works out timeline wise but. yeah)

Galadriel: Meladriel is very good and I enjoy that - I’ve also seen some great Galadriel/Luthien and even a Galadriel/Feanor fic I enjoyed. BUT overall i really love that she chose to marry Celeborn, a wise “dark elf” even when she’s completely out of his league - he balances her very well, and I don’t buy depictions of her walking all over him. she cares about him and he’s really good for her!

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Finrod: I ship Finrod/Turgon but also WHAT a great friendship they have!! I love that they go adventuring together :) And Finrod, Maedhros, and Fingon are so fun to imagine growing up together! Plus there’s his relationship with his nephew Orodreth, who he clearly adores, and also the fact that he’s still buddies with the Feanorians even after the first kinslaying (at Alqualonde! his home! where his mom is from!) and he’s so excited to meet new people from the Sindar to the Edain to the Dwarves. Finrod’s just EVERYONE’S friend and i appreciate that!!

Angrod: ….what if he and Caranthir used to be really close, like they are similar ages and grew up together, but then Something Happened and they started hating each other later on. that would be Very fun. also, he and Aegnor were lords together over the same land and died together, which implies they were very close - close like Celegorm and Curufin!

Aegnor: Again, he and Angrod were Best Bros which is great. I also think he’s probably beloved by Andreth’s people, he’s just this huge elf man they all kind of adopted and he’s so honored that they love him so much!

Galadriel: Melian!! obviously!! she stayed in Doriath specifically to learn from her, which is super neat. and then Gandalf in the later ages, i love whatever they have going on in the movies especially. i also think she and Celebrimbor had a weird rival-friendship i the second age, they’re both geniuses but from opposite sides of the family feud…except the family feud has killed pretty much everyone BUT them, so they come together to mourn that.

My unpopular opinion about this character

(this turned into more of ‘what are their negative personality traits’ than ‘unpopular opinions’ but whatever…)

Finrod: i’m sure he did his best but….when he was king of nargothrond he was still gallivanting all over the place. orodreth was probably More In Charge from before he was officially king…

Angrod: he’s a grade-A asshole. just a dick. mean as shit and holds grudges forever. really annoying to be around.

Aegnor: a dumbass. always listens to his heart and gets in trouble for it, until the one time he listens to his head and regrets it forever.

Galadriel: would make an EXCELLENT villain. ‘all shall love me and despair’ ? come on yall. if it had been HER versus sauron instead of Finrod (and…considering she was probably friends with Luthien, it very well could have been) i think she may have won, and im just imagining Sauron working for her, and the second and third ages going very differently with her being a Queen who everyone loves until they look back and realize she’s been corrupted and turned evil.

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon.

so i think canon did mostly a good job with them SO some of these are some AUs!!!

Finrod: …if he had managed to convince Celegorm and Curufin to help with the Silmaril quest–the war could have ended before the Nirnaeth, maybe. or at least gone very differently.

Angrod: im gonna physically fight tolkien over giving us practically NOTHING on the wives of various characters - tell me more about Eldalote you coward!!!!

Aegnor: JUST MARRY ANDRETH PLEASE. i’m a slut for interspecies relationships and the fact that this one is male elf/female human is SO good and frankly unprecedented in Tolkien’s works. PLEASE i need more!!!

Galadriel: FUCK that evil!Artanis AU would be REALLY cool and sexy, wouldn’t it?

[dontbesoweirdkira]

Hi there! Just found your blog and I like it so far. Btw being Present Mics favorite student headcanons were amazing, as a bnha nerd may I request a part 2 where Mic meets readers parents and other stuff? Sorry if my English is bad.

A/N:Thank you so much for liking my blog and choosing to request, that means a whole lot! I got you with the Present Mic headcanons, please let me know if you want any more Present Mic stuff i’m here. I’m sorry this request took so long to come out, i was busy with a few thing please love me <3. (P.S. your english is really good!)

-So i would feel this year would be a lot of fun, just like last year but the only difference being you are working harder towards your hero license and school is becoming much more difficult. This means that you have to up your game with your quirk skills and tactics while staying on top of your studies. You are stressed to say the least.

-Like i said previously present Mic knows when you are having a hard time, believe it or not he is quite attentive and super smart so he quickly asses the situation and realizes a few things. He sees you’re struggling with your quirk and school so he takes matters into his own hands.

-He offers to train you and offers extra help with school to you, he only wants to see you succeed even if that means sacrificing his free time.

-”oh- no no Mr.Hizashi that’s so sweet but i know you’re really busy-”

-”SHHHSHHSHSSJSJ Y/N I SHALL GET YOU THAT HERO LICENSE AND HELP YOU PICK UP YOUR GRADES EVEN IF THAT MEANS RISKING A FEW HOURS OF REST, I CANNOT LOSE TO YAGI AND DEKU- i-i- Mean icareaboutyourhealthandgradesandireallywannahelp”

-tHaT soCCer dAD rIvaLrY iS stiLl haPPeNinG 

-Everyday after school you guys meet up at the park or one of the training centers to train for a few hours

-”Now Y/N, breath in and when you breath out use that force to push your quirk-”

-Honestly you thought the training wouldn’t be as hard as it was (it’s Present Mic after all) but boi were you wrong

-”Get up off the ground Y/N, you’ve only been running for .3 seconds”

-”.3 SeCoNdS????? I DID THREE MILES NONSTOP YaMaDA!”

-” hUstLe y/NnNNnN”

-Aizawa comes to your trainings and observes bEcAusE hEs nOSeYy

-He actually helps out and help with things present might not have thought of or isn’t the best at

-This year your relationship with Present actually takes a deeper turn, you find yourself around him more often both in school and after school. You both learn more about each other's quirks and personalities a lot more.

-You thought you already knew a lot about him, given he was like an open book it seemed. But Hizashi is a much deeper and emotional person than you honestly thought and he truly had such a more serious, kindred spirited side to him

-Like sometimes when you guys are taking a break from training he will open up about his life at UA and how it was for him. He told you how he felt kind of odd and awkward and how that’s probably why he can relate to you so so much uwu

-”You know Y/N as much I am super bubbly and “overly confidant” , i still feel super out of place sometimes. I guess i always have it isn’t a new feeling, although I have Aizawa and the other teachers, sometimes I still feel...not understood? If that makes any sense?? But like I totally understand how you feel, and you are not alone...seriously. Thank you for being open to me and allowing me to teach and train you. Kind of makes me feel wanted and useful..haha-”

-iM sOft 

-He always thought of you as a little “sidekick” however recently he kind of looks at you as his own daughter and he’s really protective and fatherly over you. He’s more on top of you and making sure all your ducks are in a row. He’s not controlling or anything like that tho so don’t worry

-”Did you eat yet, Y/N?”

-”are you okay Y/N? You look exhausted.”

-”make sure you finish that report for class, okay? If you need any help let me know.”

-pRotEccS yOu fRom bOys

-If he sees a teacher kind of poking at you and making you feel uncomfortable or feel bad for being a “teacher's pet” he will immediately have them stop. He feels bad you have to get crap from him being a bit biased towards you

-You guys have a secret handshake

-HE’S STILL THE BIGGEST cRacK hEAd I swEar

-*crushes you in a hug* “MISS. AMERICAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHAAATtattatSSSSSs UpPPPPPPPPPPPp”

-”YO Yo yO AMERiCaAAaAAAA HOw Is IT CrACkINGGGG”

-”YNNNNNNNNN AMErIcAAAA YoUU foRgoT yoUr lUnCH Box iN mY cLaSS *whispers* i put a donut in there for you”

-USES YOU FOR ENGLISH CONVERSATION EXAMPLES IN CLASS ALL THE TIME 

-HE EMBArASSES YOU SO MUCH ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY THIS DUDE NEEDS TO SIT TF DOWN AND LET YOU LIVE POOR GIRL

-It’s okay because he lets you skip class to pass out in the library after being exhausted from everything

-You take his weird sunglasses and strut around with them all the time

-”BlUghH I’m a rich fashion model. WAIT OMG HIZASHI ARE THESE CHILDREN SIZED GLASsES?!?!”

-EmaiLS yOU

-” ohiyo americAa,

It’s me MiC and iM waTchING tHat drAmaA you recommended to me and Im cRyING. Also i heard from the sleepy teacher that there may or may not be a pop quiz in his class on last weeks topic...Anyways I’ll see you tomorrow...unless...Nah just joking okay mic is out!

                                    -Hiz

                              sEnt fRom ToaSter oVeN”

-You get about ten of these things a week from him. help this poor man ;-;

-Made a few youtube videos with him

-He helped you pick out your hero name and outfit, you are so ready to be a hero i swear

-Once you do get your hero license..he is such big boi proud like he’s in tears, snot running out his nose, eyes all puffy and his voice is cracking. He even got you a little teddy bear with a little candy bag attached to it.

-”LOOK LOOOK MR.HIZASHIIIII LOOOK I GOT IT I FINALLY GOT IT THANK YOU SO SO MUCH HIZASHIII I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH THANK YOU”

-”See kiddo, i knew you could do it!”

-” Pfft all thanks to you!! Oh and Hey, Mr.Hizashi? My parent(s) are coming up this weekend to celebrate me getting my license. I was wondering if you would like to come to dinner? They’d like to personally thank you for helping me.”

-THIS MAN IS THE UTMOST HONORED LIKE LET ME TELL YOU HE SAYS YES IN A HEARTBEAT AND IS AT THE RESTAURANT ON LITERAL TIME

 -He somes in a very nice suit with his hair tied into a perfectly neat bun. And is thAT GLasses he’s wearing??????  (so cute omg)

-Him meeting your parent(s) was a pretty chill experience 

-”Mr.Hizashi, right? SO NIce to finally meet you and thank you for everything you have done for Y/N.”

-”Ah, it was my pleasure. And please, call me Yamada.”

-At first it was kind of awkward but once the conversation got going, you guys were there for hours

-and i mean HoURs

-”um excuse mE, wHen aRe yoU gUyS lIkE idk LEAVING???”

-Haha but no, the literal talk was just them hyping you up and how the waiter dramatically fell coming over to the table

-”yeS Y/N is such a great kid i can’t believe you raised such a strong and patient daughter”

-”Did he just trip and act like he didn’t just dropped our food on the ground??”

-”One time Y/N tripped and dropped her easy bake cookies and she didn’t even cry, that’s when we knew she was going to be a pro hero.”

-”did he step on the fries and up it on the plate and try to serve it to us???”

-Also your parent(s) grew up around the same time as Present so they had a lot to talk about and it was interesting learning about each other different childhoods and cultures.

-Your parent(s) seriously enjoyed Hizashi and they would love to talk to him again. Vise versa, it was a great time for Hizashi as well and prepare to hear about it the next time you see him.

-”Thank you Y/N for inviting me and allowing me to meet your parent(s) it was very nice getting to know them. Next time they come up, I must treat them out instead.”

BonUs

-Let’s just make up a different scenario where maybe your parents were kind of rude and not as nice and welcoming, both to you Yamada

-When you heard your parents were coming up to visit you in Japan, you were at first excited. You were still in this frenzy of like “wow i got my hero license” so you weren't thinking about it too much plus you were excited about being treated out to dinner and having your favorite teacher tag along. 

-Everything was great...that was until you started to think about it more and started to question was that such a great idea?? Let’s just say your parents aren’t the nicest people (person). For some reason it seems like they were never proud of you, no matter how well or bad you literally did. 

-Won a championship game? Eh good, but could be better

-4.00 GPA? That’s okay but thousand of kids get that, you have to do better.

-You want to be a pro hero?? Ha in your dreams, that kid next door has a better chance of becoming one than you do.

-You started to realise they were one of the biggest reasons you wanted to exchange to Japan so much. It was far away from them and super peaceful. You wanted to tell Present to not come, but he seemed so excited, and you wanted to tell him how dreaded your parents were. But you didn’t want him to worry and get others involved. So you just hoped and prayed that they would be nice? And everything was okay?

-Everything was okay...for the first five minutes. 

-Well everyone greeted each other and sat down to eat, then the condescending comments started to pour in.

-”Yeah, well I think Y/N will make a perfect Hero in the near future. She’s gotten a lot stronger with her quirk and-”

-”Pfft, let’s not get ahead of ourselves now, Although Y/N has gotten her License that doesn’t mean she’s hero material. We watched the sports festival and compared to the other students, she’s severely overshinned. I just don’t think a year or so of training can fix that. She has to do better.”

-For a second hizashi just sat there with his face utter disbelief. How could someone just say that about their child...in front of their child...so camly?

-He looked over towards your uncomfortable figure, your face was colored with complete dismay, He felt so sad and slightly angry. You didn’t look in a position to defend yourself so he started to speak up for you

-”I really hope the both of you are seriously joking.” he snapped back with a sassy firm tone in his voice which made you look towards the three adults

-”No we are not, Y/N is pretty average and for you to put in her head that she could possibly become a Pro? Haha I understand teachers are supposed to be supportive but like come on now, just be honest with yourself.”

-Hizashi slammed his hands against the table, gaining the attention of everyone in the restaurant, including yourself who was previously looking down to avoid confrontation.

-”How DARE you. Y/N is PERFECTLY  CAPABLE of becoming a hero, her quirk,skills, technique and intelligence is all was stronger than you can even imagine. Do not downgrade her just because you’re too idiotic and narrowminded to see that. She is the sweetest kid I have ever met and quite frankly the purest. Disgusting how you talk about your own child like that. AND IN FRONT OF HER?? Now with all due respect, I think you guys need to do a self reflection and change the wrongs you have within you. If you need any help i don't mind emailing you a list of things.”

-SKSKSKSKSKSKS WOT???? DID MR.HIZASHI THE ALWAYS HAPPY AND CRACKHEADY TEACHER JUST PUT YOUR PARENTS IN THEIR PLACE???? IN FRONT OF A WHOLE RESTURANT??? BEST. TEACHER. EVER.

-on you still wore an embarrassed kind or dismayed face and when Present say that. hE tHoUghT yOU wErE eIthER mAd oR sCaREd oF Him. cri

-In reality you were literally so joyful and happy. LIKE DUUUDEEE. MARRY ME LOLOL. Seriously you were super thankful that he did that for you. 

-He looked around and suddenly realised that all eyes were on him. Aww poor man felt so flustered he didn’t mean to make a fuss and disturb others, he was just so angry your parents were such a*ssholes. 

-He turned to you and bowed while simply muttering “I’m sorry Y/N”, then grabbed his coat and walked out.

-Without even thinking you jumped up and rushed out the door with him, leaving your dumbfounded parents at the restaurant

-”m-Mr.Hizashi wait up!”  you called out from behind the blonde haired man, he stopped in his tracks then pivoted in place to face you

-”y/n im very sorry to you and your family i didn’t mean any disrespect. I understand if you may not want to be around me any more or allow me to train you.”

-”ARE YOU SERIOUS THAT WAS EPIC LIKE SERIOUSLY THEY HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE I CAn rEMEBER I SWEAR YOU ARE SO AWESOME MRHIZASHI THANK YOU THANK YOU LIKE YOU’RE THE DAD I ALWAYS WANTED I FREAKING LOVE YOU AND DID YOU SEE THEIR FACES HAHA BOOM I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TELL ME I-”

-cutting you off from your frenzy and gave you a big bear hug, “haha don’t ever let what they have said about you ever ring in your head...okay L/N? I belive in you and i know you are going to be fucking great.”

-”Really?” you smiled

-”HECK YEAHHHHH, AMERICAAAAAA” 

[fan-dumb-trash]

Remile Part Threeeee LETS GOOOO YOOOO

Part One! Part Two! Part Four!

I'm so excited for this one guys you have NO idea hehehehe. I tried to squeeze in Remy content and details on rehearsal and Clarimonde in here once i finished and I'm quite happy! I believe there will be one more after this! Hope Y'all enjoy! I wrote this in like less than 12 hours. It was wonderful.

Warnings: Kissing (it becomes unwanted at some point) Cussing, Flirting, Mentions of a fragile mental state. Yelling. If there's anything I missed let me know.

Emile is tired. As he should be. He’s fed up with being heartbroken. Enough is enough for him and he’s going to stand up for himself in his own way.

But it took a village to build Emilie’s defenses.

Patton and Roman were worried. The both of them have had their fair share of heartbreaks- but none of them were stretched out for a long time like Emiles' was. And they saw how it was affecting him.

So Patton encouraged Emile to talk to his parents.

At first Emilie backpedaled and said heck no but Roman reminded him that he had these amazing people in his life that he had forgotten about

Patton added and said that he was fortunate to be able to be so close and open with his parents.

And of course Emile knew they were right and then decided it was the time to rekindle that closeness.

Teenagers forget about relationships outside of school a lot, okay? AND YES WITH THIS WHOLE SITUATION I AM TRYING TO MAKE A VERY VALID POINT SO TAKE NOTES KIDDIES!

Dot and Larry and Patton and Roman all sat with Emile. It was a sort of intervention after Emile had his wits about him. It was Sunday, two days after the incident.

And they were honest. And they told him how unhealthy this was and how much worse it could get if things kept going as they were.

Emile was letting Remy's ups and downs mess with him and it wasn't good. Emile had to take control of his own emotions in whatever way he could and detach himself from Remy to save his own mental health!

People forget that pinning for someone or being in a relationship takes a lot from you and if you don't get anything back its draining!!!

And with help Emilie came to accept his feelings for Remy. And from there he moved forward. For real.

When Remy talked to him he would talk back but the second he gave him mixed signals he would call Remy out.

If Remy was acting weird Emile would tell him so and give Remy an opportunity to open up or find a resolution that would let them get through the situation. And if not- he'd stay away or detach himself from Remy as best as he could.

And this would go on until Remy straightened out or Emile was free from his feelings.

This is a reasonable thing to do. It was the hard thing, but the right thing for Emile. And his family was proud of him and supported him as best as they could.

When Emile found out that Remy and Clarimonde broke up- he didn't feel the butterflies and glimmer of hope that he would usually feel… it was something else that Emile couldn't place.

Patton said that it was okay and feelings dont always make sense.

Emile slowly got some control back.

Scenes with Remy became easier because he could seperate acting from reality!

Remy started to notice Emile pull back a little. It didn't bother him at first- but then Emile seemed more joyful around other people but more careful around him and he couldn't figure out why. The slight difference bothered him.

But he didn't say anything

Communication? in my christian household? Never.

Rehearsal is going good tho! Let's hear about that shall we!

Remy is making good friends with Virgil! They dont really have many scenes where they talk together- but they appreciate eachother's weird humor so it works.

Clarimonde is book smarts. She's confident and collected and loud but man is she SMART

When they were practicing La Vie Boheme, Clarimonde and Logan began chatting about the seriousness behind all the silly gibberish they were singing!

The song is more than just a party scene.

Clarimonde commented on how it was them expressing their own views and melding them together.

Logan was impressed- so together they broke the song down! Thomas had them explain their findings to the cast and it was a good learning experience. They are buddies now.

Once Roman put on his Mimi costume everyone had a collective “Damn, hes hot”

Virgil kinda died (i dIeeeeee withoutttt youuuuuuu)

Also Roman singing Without You is beautiful.

Remy cried because he gets it.

Remy loves his Angel costume and is badass at the drums okay! Roman taught him some dance moves and now Today For You is fire.

Virgil was kinda upset Thomas made him wear skinny jeans because.damn it that's not his thing but once he got used to it? He loves them!

Virgil let his purple tips fade out to a lavender/blonde to get that “im dying so i don't care what i look like” look and its awesome.

One Song Glory is awesome! He goes all out for that rockstar moment with gestures and dramatically draping himself on set and Roman loves it. Thomas claps loud every time because

“mY kIdS aRe gRowInG uP aCK”

You bet your ass he's a sobbing mess opening and closing night.

Patton is a cute Mark and him and Virgil are awesome together. Patton got the big vocabulary Mark sings with down thanks to Logan.

Virgil apalogizes everytime they do the Goodby Love scene where Rodger says rood stuff to Mark.

Patton laughs it off and gives Virgil a hug and its all good.

Patton had a hard time learning the tango and so did Elliot… Roman is designated theatre dad so he helped and FINALLY AFTER MONTHS they got it.

During the process Remy and Emile would go watch and dance terribly with them to get Patton and Elliot to laugh.

Roman begged to have people come on and tango at the end with them and have maureen dance scandalous so they know Maureen cheated like in the movie!!!!

Thomas was skeptical and didn't know if they had time but you BET Roman got Kai Sloane Corbin and Clarimonde to tango like GODS during the times when they were off set.

Now it's chaos at the end of the song but a GOOD chaos. And Thomas is proud.

Emile and Remy tho…

Whenever they sing together the room stops to listen- even if it's just like off to the side when they're trying to fix a harmony.

Neither of them are super experienced singers but once they sing its MUSIC YA’LL

Remy and Emile let loose when they are in character.

Remy notices when he sings stuff like “I’ll cover you” and “With a thousand sweet kisses” and all the I got your back shenanigans he starts to mean it.

Because he wants Emile to feel loved and happy right? Just that and nothing else?

*gay screeching*

Of course Collins and Angel are the most functional couple of the couples in Rent

(Irony HAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

So they're chemistry has to be good.

Remy asks if its okay that he holds Emile like this or kisses him on the check in this scene or holds his hand here.

Eventually they improv their coupleyness because Emile secretly gets worked up a little when he knows it's coming.

Plus its more organic if its on the spot.

Remy's starting to have feelings for Emile BUT HE DOESN'T CATCH THEM AT FIRST

But he knows he loves it when he sees Emile loose and smiling as Collins in Santa Fe.

Or emotional in Seasons of Love and I’ll Cover You Reprise.

Emile is doing fine. He realizes he doesn't know enough about Remy to have a comfortable friendship with him and that's okay. He's fine with how things are at this moment even if he does wish for more. He likes seeing Remy in his element and acting with Emile. So all is well.

BUT HERE IS WHEN THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPENNNN

It was a week before the dreaded but exciting tech week. For people who don't to theatre it's basically a whole week of late night rehearsals with full costume makeup set and lighting for the first time! People get mics- it's basically putting everything together and smoothing it all out before the shows the next week but it can be very stressful for everyone because it's not all smooth sailing 90 percent of the time.

Thomas was regretting only having himself Joan and Talyn as crew because despite the small cast and the set not moving much it was still difficult.

And they would run through the candle scene and it's going great but

“WAIT! STOP! Roman where is you candle I just realized you don't have it wHy did you say anything?”

“Well if it was the actual show Mimi wouldnt just break the fourth wall and ask Clarimonde's grandma for her fancy ass candle now would she? And we would pray to god nobody would have a matchbox in here…”

Cue some groans and people having to look for the candles and its great. Thomas is on edge and so is everyone else. Tired cranky teenagers and adults and its giving Remy bad vibes

because stress leads to conflict which leads to yelling which leads to fights and he knows how bad those are at home and he doesn't want it here to.

So Remy starts singing

“Where the fuck’s my cAndlEeeeeeee”

And Virgil whos nearby, is giggling non stop and sings

“Bitch, where the fuck is my cAndLeeeeee”

And now the whole cast plus Thomas is singing it and its glorious. Even Patton. Non censored.

Thomas calls a break after everyone is done laughing because obviously they needed it.

Everyone's hanging out having a soda but nobody sees Emile.

Virgil says to Remy”Go find your boyfriend, you ratchet queen!”

Which earns a look from his boyfriend that Virgil doesn't get.

So Remy looks and finds him in the costume room.

Emile didn't get the memo there was a break because he couldn't hear from inside. Remy is about to tell him but Emile is humming to himself and smiling. His hair is a bit mess and lil beads of sweat slide down his face. His feet sway to the imaginary song in his head and Remy finds it precious. So he stands there for a bit smiming til Emile turns around and jumps.

“Jeepers Remy! You startled me! Warn a troubled philosophy professor next time!”

“My bad, Em. Whatcha hummin’ babe?”

“Just something from this silly cartoon I watch. Nothing really-”

“Which cartoon?”

“Oh- Steven Universe. Love like you.”

“I remember that one … you played it on your ukulele a lot. Id watch the show with you alot even though I never knew what was going on. I just wanted to impress you... I would make things up when you would talk to me about it or research it when i got home”

And Emile paused his search because one) Remy was actually being considerate and didn't brush his cartoons off and two) Emile didn't know Remy did that for him… so he stepped down from the latter and stepped towards Remy.

“Really?”

“Yep”

“You know, it was super smart of you to break the tension like you did out there.”

“Me? Smart? The exhaustion must be getting to you sweetie cause I am not smart”

“ not book smarts, Remy- like that's really important anyways. I mean people smart!”

“Oh. Well… thanks Emile”

“Yeah! You need to cut yourself some slack. You're talented and confident and you can go places. Nobody is perfect. You really should believe in yourself more."

And Remy smiles because he forgot how validated Emile made him feel when they were kids.

How warm. How full of life. How full of light and smiles and love. Love. Oh shit I loved Emile. I love Emile! And Remy freezes because oh shit it makes sense… The emptiness. The running away. He was scared. And he's about to be scared again but why should he? Remy collects himself and breathes. He has a new chance now so he steps closer and tilts his head.

“Well you should believe in yourself too, honeybee. You have grown so much from that tie die boy from middle school but damn, sometimes you seem so out of touch. What are you hiding behind those green eyes?” And Remy takes another step and they’re five feet apart and it's SO GAY.

“I would like to know, do you mean it when you smile or is it an act? Let me know honeybee~”

And now Emile is a blushing mess and Remy's smirking and damn him. Remy is very very close but Emile is trying to keep his cool but OH

“ You seem so free with your friends and on stage but just when I think you're opening up… you close off. What are you holding in?”

At this point this is pretty much no distance between them. Emile has contacts in so his eyelashes brush on Remy’s nose. Remy is holding Emile's face in his hand like its glass. And both of their hearts are racing. Emile cant speak

“You don't have to hide from me Emile.”

And each syllable of his name is like music to Emile’s ears. Seeing the words falls out of Remy’s mouth is like art and oh no he's starting at Remy's lips. And Remy, being the asshole he is, notices and takes advantage of that. His fingers linger on Emiles lips and he is so fucking close they can taste each other's breath.

“Don't hide from me Emile”

And Remy kisses him. And Emile kisses back. Like he wouldn't after all of that. And its short at first and Emile pulls back at breathes for a second because that was not what he had planned oh hell.no that was not planned.

And Remy kisses him again but deeper this time. And he doesn't hold Emile tightly but his arms are around his waist and on his neck and Emile is weak so it's not easy to step back.

Emile pushes one Remy's chest to get him to stop because how does kissing work??? Emile has no clue. But Remy doesn't get the memo and its more messy and god doesn't Remy need air?

And it goes on and Emile pushes as Remy pules and Emile gets more worked up because WAIT THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS HOLD ON! And now Emile is against a wall and what the heck stop stop stop stop

And finally Emile can pull back and shout

“REMY- STOP PLEASE! STOP!”

And Remy stops. And he's confused. And he doesnt know whats happening so he lets go and backs up

“Honeybee, are you okay? Did I do something? Im so sorry I didn't mean-”

Emile knows he means well but he just wants to yell because he doesn't get it!

“Remy. I like you. I've liked you since seventh grade. I worshiped you and cared about you so much and shared everything with you and put in so much effort because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy! I probably even loved you at some point but you left me! You ditched me for new friends and yeah, that was middle school and I tried to get over it but you kept waltzing back into my life somehow! It shouldn't be a bad thing but it wasn't a healthy thing because I couldn't ever have time to move on and escape the memories of us playing and the dreams of me kissing you! You got to move on and have Clarimonde but I didn't! And this show has given you an opportunity to send so many mixed signals my way to the point where I saw you and Clarimonde together I broke down crying and Patton and Roman had to save my scrawny sobbing ass!”

Remy is speechless this whole time because god he is such a fucking idiot and he feels awful

“ I finally got my shit together after that. And no matter how much I like you and you like me, how am I supposed to know you're not going to ditch me again? Remy I don't even know you anymore. I can't just jump into this not knowing if i'm going to make it out in one piece!”

And Emile is crying a little bit. Tears are escaping but he’s firm and he can't break not now because he wants to make this work and Remy needs to understand. And Remy does. And it's a wake up call. And he cries a bit too because he didn't know that him leaving has made this big of a mess…

And Remy apologizes. Honestly. Of course he doesn't have all the answers himself and doesn't know why he did what he did and why Emile did what he did. But he wants to try.

Remy says “Hey, you can say no- but can I hug you?” And Emile just engulfs him and it's wonderful.

And if you remember… when Emile found Remy crying in the field all that time ago, he asked the same thing.

Look at me making things come full circle

*jazz hands*

Anyways.

Patton and Logan happen to walk by. Emile is facing the door so Patton mouth words and asks him if everything is okay.

Emile gives him a half hearted smile and a small nod and its enough for Patton.

Logan is confused. Patton says “Sophomore Gay Panic” and Logan immediately understands.

Emile and Remy stay there awhile and catch up. Emile finds out that Remy has a lil brother named Janus who loves snakes and gravity falls. He also finds out that Remy's situation at home is a bit worse of. Things add up.

The two decide to be friends for the time being so they can figure things out. They get each other's phone numbers. Emile titles their conversation “Remile”

Remy asks why and Emile says

“We are in this together now. We gotta have a badass fusion name.”

“... what's a fusion again, honeybee?”

Cue some fanboy screeching and some giggles and a long explanation as they walk back to the group.

And the group notices a difference in their dynamic after that. Emiles friends notice him relax and Remy's friends notice a genuine smile on his face. Remy and Emile talk more real. They sit a little closer.

Everyone smiles. Even Clarimonde. Especially Clarimonde, actually. And Elliot, who she confides in, squeezes her hand.

Taglist:

@mmd-ask-italy

@thestrangedino

@dreams-palette

@unring-this-bell

@nerdqueenkat

@iloveeverytjing123

@superwholocked-for-life

@ab-artist

@spaceless-void

@sevencrashing

@i-have-n0-idea-what-im-d0ing

@absolutesandersidestrash

@geronimo-scamander-spd

@romansleftshoulderpad

@prplzorua

@patchworkofstars

@sandersfandersblog

@ilovemygaydad

@kayle-avemealone

@the-virgil-mary

@royallyremyniscent

@changeling-ash

@i-dont-have-ideas

@violetblossem

If you don’t want to be added- please let me know! If you DO want to be added- go ahead and leave a comment because that’s easiest for me!

[the-little-prophet]

BDRP Questionnaire 2019

Posting this on Charlie since I actually talked about him quite a bit! Let’s gooooo

Characters: Berlioz, Hades, Kiara, Nala, Andrina, Merida, Charlie, Apollo, John, Su, Ashleigh, Nemo, Jun

Pick one of your characters and talk about their growth (we recommend choosing an older character, but it’s up to you!) What about their story has surprised you? What are you proud of? How have they changed from their original inception to now?

This one goes out to Charlie. I pitched Charlie very deceptively-- claiming he was a prophet, aligning him, at first, with Calliope, making it look like Charlie’s magic was of the classical, Cassandra-inspired kind. But all along, I knew that what I wanted Charlie to be was more of this sci-fi/fantasy blend as an homage to his movie’s sci-fi bend too. This year, I got to actually reveal that Charlie is a time traveler after two years!! This is very exciting for me! I’ve enjoyed being able to lean into Charlie’s new image systems with this reveal, even though I’m out of my depth and breaking like 67 different time travel rules, probably lol. Still, it’s been great to take him to that place, and to invent Future-Charlie as both a deux ex machina and an expression of identity/choice/free will etc etc. I did not have Future-Charlie in mind when I created Charlie, so that was something I was proud of coming up with!

Pick another character and talk a little about where you WANT them to go. What are your plans for them going into the new year?

I’m going to talk about Nemo if only because everyone else feels like a spoiler lol. Nemo, as a relatively new character though, is still full-speed-ahead on his initial goals that I outlined for him in his application. Now that Nemo’s been established in the school and he has this little group of buddies, I want:

To focus on his wing. I want Nemo to push himself, get himself in a spot of trouble, potentially injure himself.

Reveal his wings to at least one mundus friend

Continuing to infuse his posts with body image issues. This is a slow build kind of plot that really is like...the broth of Nemo’s plot-soup, lol, while training for his placement is the chicken and belonging at school is the noodles….it needs to be this throughline more than like, para a, para b, para c. at least for now.

Pick a thread or a plot that you’re proud of and talk about why you loved it.

I could pick a lot of threads here lol it’s honestly so HARD. But I think I want to shout-out to the Charlie/Jim first kiss thread because it surprised even me and Hannah. We initially planned for the first kiss to be just that-- one kiss, then we done, Jim and Charlie go on to be friends. But like in the best of cases, Jim and Charlie’s palpable chemistry actually informed more of Charlie’s arc and opened up avenues previously closed to me/Charlie since Charlie had been so SHUT to the idea of love. So! I really loved that thread. Also because like, I literally made Charlie experience the big bang after his first kiss. And THAT’S the BEST way to use magic in my opinion. Like when you can infuse magic with an emotional catharsis-- I think the other time I did that super well was similar actually, when Herc kissed Kiki’s cheek and she grew a tree in his room lol. So yeah! Some of my best writing in that thread, amazing chemistry, big surprises. It was an absolute pleasure.

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 strengths and talk about why you think it’s one of your strengths.

-Image systems. I dragged myself for this, but I think it’s something that really helps me find a character’s voice and make myself excited to RP them! Also, I think it’s what people like about my writing sometimes. Maybe. IDK, lol. -Complex Emotion: I’m stealing this from my mentor who said I’m good at creating complex emotion and so you know its true. My most introverted characters get the bulk of this naturally--they are introspective and feely and give themselves the space to think and feel. But I really want to try to inject more into my extroverted characters. I think I’m doing well for Nemo, who had undiagnosed anxiety and so that informs a lot of his personality in very interesting-- very OPPOSITE-- ways as Berlioz; Nemo struggles with being alone because ‘alone’ means he gets too in his head. That’s been really fun for me and why he’s quickly become one of my fave voices to write (I know, u all thought it was because I am in love with Jimin (true), but no its bc Nemo is an anxious, big feeling baby and he’s always so Alive to me, plus i was made to write a fairy it was always my destiny.)

In terms of your own writing, identify 1-3 areas of improvement.

-Dialogue: PERSONALLY I feel like I’m not great at dialogue. Some posts are better than others and I think I’m good at like…..texting dialogue? IDK. I feel like I struggle in paras though to craft good dialogue. It’s just, rn, average dialogue. Of course not every post needs to have hilarious, punchy, great dialogue. But do my characters sound different? Am I doing all I can to create rhythm and speech patterns? -Filtering: Im being very picky rn, because actually I don’t do this too much, but I do it enough where I’m like, I gotta go read some really stellar writers adn ban myself from using “Feel” and “think” for like a whole month. What I’m talkinga bout is like: Ber realized/ Ber thought / Ber knew. That kind of writing is totally fine, but that’s about it. I need to come up with more creative ways to talk about feelings and abstract concepts!!!

-Character: I know everyone is probably like………….how dare lauryl put this here. But listen. I don’t think I struggle with character on RP. But outside of RP? Oh boy! The THING about RP is you MUST create a character, that’s your vessel for writing here, and so you do all that development plus u got the four years of worldbuilding informing that character, and literally EVERYTHING CHARACTER DRIVEN ITS...THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.  Outside of RP though I think I have struggled because my natural affinity is worldbuilding and shit like that. I’m type 5 baby, I am attracted to characters who let me poke at things I don’t know anything about, like even Jun, part of it really is like, petitions and grocery store management lmfadsofij. SOOOo idk I just need to be able to focus on crafting characters that are compelling vessels for the cool shit I like to do outside of RP.

Pick one of your plots, or even just a character, and come up with a list of 3-5 “mentor texts” where you can look for inspiration or research, then write a short (2-4 sentences) why you picked those texts. JOHN DARLING BREAKS INTO FAERYLAND 1. Call Down the Hawk/Raven Cycle: It’s no coincidence that my reread of Raven Cycle last winter played a pretty big part in inspiring this new version of John. The descriptions of the magical forest Cabeswater and the hunt for Glendower have the same kind of contemporary fantasy vibe that I really like for John. And of course, Ronan’s dream magic is very much intertwined with the faery realm feeling like a dream (and Ashleigh, obviously, as a dark faery who can manipulate them). More than that though, the attention paid to the psyches of each character and how they drive the plot forward is just… /chefs kiss. 2. The Mabinogian: I want to draw from these classic Welsh/British stories and incorporate them in creative ways! Or just as, like, motifs are something. :) I have tried to do this but would like to be a lot more intentional, instead of just being like lmao let me look up some random shit for this one reply~ 3. The Hazel Wood: This book deals with characters coming into the real world from a book world! This kind of goes along with the Mabinogian as I kind of ish want to do something similar, only treating the Mabinogian as a historical, cultural text as opposed to a fiction. This book also focuses a lot on fairy tale tropes (like numbers) which I really want to incorporate in John’s stuff. I want to ideally write some of my own fairy tales-- I have one in mind actually through Ashleigh but it’s related to John too since he’d the scholar of said stories.  

And now, a wishlist!

-Exploring Nemo’s disability. This is slightly challenging for me since we don’t have many fairies, but I’m brainstorming some ideas and hope to really kick it off in January, leading up to his Talent Placement Test.   -I really want to have a lot of town-centric plots for Jun. Would love to rp with the police officers! I want to have Jun try to get some ppl arrested tbh ahah, like, Fflew for loitering, or maybe reporting Mitte. I would love some arch nemeses tbh-- Mitte does seem like a good one. AND I want to submit at least three petitions next semester!! Maybe i should make that two!! Still!! -Do some Bonfamille plots. I already have something I’m really excited about and have already planned here so this is a teaser… -Keep writing essays. The fairies have been great, getting me really inspired to do these.What’s been an amazing mental exercise, and why I cannot stop writing these, is thinking about how the political philosophy of Pixie Hollow informs how it functions: technically, socioculturally etc. It’s really fun for me to basically build a communist thought project and then enact it for real. I feel like I’m learning a lot about...well, societies, lol, and how the material factors endlessly bleed into, and shape, ideas and beliefs (and vice versa). Also, I literally have to do these because when Nemo is IN the Hollow and I want to write him getting a glass of water, I’m faced with a lot of technical questions: do fairies have running water? Does he have to get it from a stream? How do they keep things cool? Etc etc. And that’s why I go off on these, and I’m excited to keep doing them, as many as I can, with feedback from my fellow fairies. Also, do want to do ones that are NOT fairy related, so we’ll see about that. -Write John backstory. He’s gone on a few other adventures and I’d like to actually one-shot those maybe lol. -Alternate Charlie Timeline: This is something that’s bopping around in my head and I haven’t found the perfect way to make it happen, but I want Charlie to travel to an alternate version of his life and get stuck. When I figure out the right way to do this, my partners will also get to rp alternate versions of their characters lol. That’s fun right!! Of course it is, we do it all the time with AUs, but this one obvi be more personal and more closely tied to canon.

OPTIONAL: Why do you RP? First and foremost, I RP because it’s writing for the sake of writing-- joy for joy. I think this is even more important this year as I’ve had to focus on mentorship writing outside of RP. RP became the place where I didn’t have to think so hard about making everything make sense, lol. It gave my brain a break so I could be less judgmental of myself and just have fun and do the most ridiculous stuff...and some of my fave stuff iS ridiculous because of that...like Nemo and Sindri making flower crowns or the ASC nonsense. It’s this kind of light, fluffy, low-stake (but still High Stake) stuff that provided me endless joy when I needed it the most. Second of all, I RP because I really want to invest in people’s creative energy. I think doing so gives back to myself. Building canon, helping people brainstorm, seeing people grow-- I feel like a proud mom when I get to have this kind of mentorship role myself. I talked to MK about this, but even though Sam left to go off and do greater things, that’s like-- to me, it was a lot like he was graduating from this weird BDRP school I’ve helped create. I felt nothing but pride and happiness for him and really felt like, if BDRP was to explode tomorrow, I ACHIEVED the thing I set out to do when, four years ago, I sat on my computer and drafted BDRP’s mission and vision and committed myself to this admin role. And THAT’S what I want ideally-- for BDRP to be this collaborative place that doesn’t focus too much on what makes sense, on sitewide plots that force people into roles. I have always wanted plots like ASC and John’s search for Excalibur to be able to exist side by side, and I think we’ve done that. Now we just have to tend this garden, don’t we, haha? May BDRP bear many delicious fruit.

[nogoodmox]

since it’s late n u guys have been so encouraging

i wanna preface this by saying....im not a Writer and this is pretty much the first wrestling-related thing i’ve ever written. also this was written at 3 am yesterday so pls keep that in mind ALSO it’s not very. romantic bc 1.) im not good with that stuff and 2.) it’s kinda covering the early stages of their relationship so they’re barely even friends yet! (this takes place right before war games!)

that being said thanks for being so nice abt it guys ur all the sweetest and i love u and i’m sorry this isn’t Better but constructive criticism would be appreciated! mwah!

Pete tapped his fist against his jaw in a needless effort to hype himself up.

The guaranteed brutality of his upcoming match didn’t faze him—brutality was his specialty, after all— but despite that, he couldn’t shake off an uncomfortable feeling.

Maybe it was the thought of having to rely on others for his victory, or maybe it was the thought of them relying on him. Neither were things that he was exactly used to.

He wondered, when the time came, if he would put himself in harm’s way for the sake of the others.

Pete thought of the last time he had relied on someone. It was ironic in a way, how the same person he had tentatively began to trust would be one of his opponents tonight.

He had never really thought of Roderick as a friend, just a sort of unavoidable ally. His eagerness had been irritating as was his general disposition, but Pete had chosen to put his trust in him. A choice he’d come to regret.

He liked to believe that the betrayal had made him all the more dangerous now. Not only could he use his desire for vengeance to his advantage, he’d also be sure not to make a mistake like that again.

Pete had operated just fine on his own for as long as he could remember. There were a select few times where he’d tried opening up, and each time he paid for it. It took a few experiences for the lesson to be drilled into his brain, but at least now there was no way he could forget it.

He should stick with what he knew best, and what he knew best was solitude.

Keep interactions short and bitter. You look out for one person, and that person is yourself. Everyone else is simply an obstacle or dead weight.

It was a philosophy he lived by, and one he truly believed in. There just happened to be times where he’d let it slip and thought maybe, just maybe, someone could be an exception. But they never were.

A steady knock on the locker room door disrupted his thoughts. A faint feeling of pain registered in Pete’s jaw as he realized he’d been tapping his fist against it this whole time. Before he could say anything, the door opened and Ricochet’s head popped in.

“You got a minute?”

Pete didn’t answer, he just raised an eyebrow when he noticed something in Ricochet’s hands. It looked like a tube of toothpaste.

Ricochet followed his gaze and held up the object, wiggling it in his hand. “Oh, this? Yeah, it’s kinda why I’m here, actually.” He walked up to Pete and held it out to him. Pete read the label, which only confused him more.

“White….face paint?”

The other man adjusted his North American Championship on his shoulder. “Yeah. Y’know, war paint for tonight. It was Hanson and Rowe’s idea. They figured we should at least look like a cohesive unit.”

“What’s the point of that?” Pete deadpanned. “Face paint won’t get us a win against Undisputed Era.”

Ricochet looked at a loss for a second, then sighed. “C’mon man. It’s to pump you up, get you excited to kick some ass. Plus it’ll look cool, yeah?”

Pete wasn’t very convinced, but he wasn’t in the mood to argue. He did admittedly like the idea of amping up the intimidation factor, not that he was going to tell Ricochet that. “Fine. Might as well fool people into thinking we’re a real team.”

“S’that supposed to mean? We’re a real team. Cole and his cronies are gonna see just how real we are tonight.” Ricochet declared, giving Pete a few taps on the chest.

Pete stiffened at the contact and glared at the highflier. Ricochet was someone who currently fell under the obstacle category in Pete’s eyes. He hadn’t forgotten the match where both their titles had been on the line. They never received closure, and Pete intended to change that next time they crossed paths in the ring.

He’d prefer for Ricochet to stay an obstacle rather than become dead weight.

“I’ve said it before, you’re just a guy carrying a piece of gold that I want. As for the other two, they’ve already got each other. We may be on the same side, but we’re not a team.”

The grin on Ricochet’s face weakened a bit. “Man do you like, practice this stuff in a mirror before you talk to anyone?” He chuckled at his own joke—was it a joke? The weight of Pete’s words didn’t seem to mean much to him, however, as he quickly bounced back. “Anyway, face paint, yes or no?”

“Sure.” Pete said.

“Great.” Ricochet tossed the tube of paint to Pete. “Doll me up.”

Pete barely caught the tube in time. He whipped his head up to face Ricochet, trying to make sure he had heard him correctly. “What?”

Ricochet had placed his title on the bench next to him and met Pete’s gaze expectantly. “What? I can’t put it on myself. There’s no mirror in here.”

“Then find one.”

“No can do.” He almost looked smug, as if he had planned this. “Bathroom’s closed for repairs, apparently Kyle and Bobby thought it’d be fun to flush Sullivan’s gear down the toilet. He caught ‘em in the act.” Ricochet let out a whistle. “It wasn’t pretty.”

Pete didn’t want to hear any more. For whatever reason, Ricochet was intent on sporting war paint, he might as well indulge him. After tonight, he could set his sights on what really mattered.

“Alright. C’mere.” Pete placed his championship on the bench opposite of Ricochet’s and squeezed some paint onto his fingers.

He lifted his hand only to pause suddenly, leaving it hovering in front of Ricochet’s face. “What’s their paint look like anyways?”

Ricochet thought for a moment. “It’s like…a V shape on each cheek.” He explained, tracing the motion over Pete’s cheeks with his finger. “Simple enough.”

“Right.” Pete grunted, doing everything he could to ignore the way his face had heated up. He pressed his fingers to Ricochet’s face and began painting the design, trying his best to keep his hand steady.

Pete came to a halt when Ricochet started giggling quietly. He gave him a strange look, pulling his hand away.

The other man took a moment to compose himself, then cleared his throat. “Tickles.” Came the simple explanation. Pete rolled his eyes and continued with his work, retracing the lines to smooth out the jagged edges.

He paused again to add more paint to his fingers, avoiding Ricochet’s gaze. Pete could feel the man looking at him and unconsciously tossed his head a bit to let his hair cover his face.

As Pete started on the other cheek, he noticed Ricochet hadn’t stopped staring at him at him, almost amusingly.

“What?” Pete finally asked, with a hint of challenge.

Ricochet seemed unbothered. “You’re just a lot more careful than I thought you���d be” He said, a little quieter than usual. It was unclear if the remark was meant to be teasing. It seemed sincere enough, but even if it was Pete wasn’t sure what the implications were.

Pete said nothing and averted his eyes again, finishing with a final swipe. “There.” He muttered. “All done.”

“Great! I’ll just have to trust that it looks good.” Ricochet reached up to touch his freshly painted face, then decided against it. “Alright, your turn!”

Pete froze, he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

He wasn’t particularly keen on anyone paying close attention to his face.

It was bumpy and weird; he knew this. Acne scars and uneven stubble were just the beginning of it. It was something he’d learned to accept, but he wasn’t exactly dying for others to get a good look at it.

Regardless, he knew Ricochet wouldn’t take no for an answer. If he had, Pete wouldn’t have just spent the past few minutes spreading paint on his face in uncomfortable silence.

Ricochet took the paint tube from Pete’s hands. “You mind uh…” He made a hair flip motion. “Getting that out of the way?”

Pete looked down at his hands, covered in white paint, and decided to go with option two. He swung his head to the side—a little too forcefully—and flipped the blond mess back. He was satisfied for a moment before it came toppling back down in his face.

It was times like this where he seriously reconsidered growing out his hair.

“I gotchu.” Ricochet intervened, looking even more amused than before. He tucked Pete’s hair behind his ear to keep it from coming loose again. “Sure got a lot of hair homeboy.” He commented.

“Guess you can’t relate.” Pete replied bluntly.  

Ricochet laughed out loud at that, almost too eager to make fun of himself. “Guess not.” He emptied what was left of the paint into his hand and got to work. Pete winced at the cold feeling, trying not to pull away. “But you know,” Ricochet continued. “The lack of hair could be the secret to my speed.”

Pete wasn’t fully sure if he was joking. “I reckon that’s why you got pieces missing in your eyebrows too?”

The highflier laughed again, this time not as loud, but a huge smile graced his face. “Man, you’re alright.”

Ricochet spread the paint on Pete’s cheeks with ease, moving just as smoothly as he did in the ring. Pete fought with everything he had to try not to break out into a fit of laughter. Ricochet was right, the feeling made him ticklish. His lip curved upward in a smile that he quickly pushed away.

“All set.” Ricochet finally announced, looking proud of his work. Pete didn’t doubt that the man had probably done a better job than him. “Now we look like a force to be reckoned with.”

Pete held couldn’t help but soften his expression a bit. He felt cool, and far more relaxed than earlier. Once again, he wasn’t going to tell Ricochet that, but he appreciated the feeling. “If painting faces keeps you from screwing up tonight, then so be it.” He replied with a shrug.

Ricochet shook his head, and if Pete didn’t know any better he’d say he was annoyed. “You never quit do you? Y’know we can do this whole rivalry thing without all the little remarks, yeah?”

“Cause make no mistake,” Ricochet’s tone grew serious. “I’m just as focused on that title of yours as you are on mine.”

The sudden change surprised Pete, but it didn’t faze him. After all, this was why he kept up his guard so high. He knew behind every person there was a set of intentions, and each interaction with him was a means of achieving them.

“I’m well aware.” Pete said evenly. “S’why I’m not buying this partner ruse. We’re not friends, and we never will be.”

Ricochet paused for a moment. “Just ‘cause you’re a future opponent, doesn’t mean we can’t be on the same page now. It’s no ruse, I’ve got your back tonight. I mean that.”

“Better to have your own back first.”

Ricochet lifted his hand to rub the back of his neck, looking unsure of where to go from there.

“You’re a tough nut to crack.” He said finally, leaning down to grab his North American championship. When he came back up, he was smiling again. “But I’m willing to prove where my loyalties lie out there. There’s no hiding in the ring.”

Pete eyed him for a moment, then nodded briskly. “That’s one thing we can agree on.”

“I’ve got another. We both wanna beat the hell out of those undisputed assholes, right?” Ricochet offered. “That snake Roddy’s gonna be out there tonight. If you ask me, you should focus on giving him the ass whopping he’s had coming instead of making enemies out of your partners.”

An odd silence followed his words. Pete didn’t know how to respond, and Ricochet’s intense gaze wasn’t making it any easier. In his heart Pete knew he had a point.

He was more than willing to take on all four members of the Undisputed Era himself, but he knew realistically he wouldn’t come out victorious. He needed Ricochet and the War Raiders whether he liked it or not.

Just one night couldn’t be so bad, right? Even if it involved putting his faith in other people. Ricochet had nothing to gain from betraying him. Hanson and Rowe, he wasn’t so sure, but considering how fixated they had been on the Undisputed Era for the past several weeks, it was unlikely.

Ricochet saved Pete from having to muster up an answer by reaching over and picking up his United Kingdom Championship. Pete’s eyes widened and he tensed up, ready to snatch it out of his hands.

There was no need to, however, as Ricochet placed it snugly on Pete’s shoulder.

He gave it a few pats, admiring the intricate design on the belt for several moments.

Ricochet took a few steps back, his own title sitting around his waist. “You look good.” He said finally. “Let’s do work tonight, mate.”

Pete’s partner tossed the now empty paint tube in his hand once, then turned to saunter off.

“Not your mate.” Pete replied in a half-hearted protest. He couldn’t see Ricochet’s face as he left the room, but Pete knew he was smiling.

“By the way, the bathroom’s perfectly fine. Just figured we could use a team bonding exercise.”

[animaelynn-blog]

Rant about work, read at your own risk. (I’d appreciate it though)

I want to log this experience.

First, let me tell you a bit about myself.

I’m a trans girl.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had a job, I’ve been looking for work. I’m a very outgoing person and absolutely love to be around people.

One day me and one of my friends went out looking to help get me a job, i brought resumés, and i personally like to fill out paper job applications so the employer knows I’m not the type of person to fill out things online only to not show up, i like to show my initiative.

So, eventually i make my way through the mall and find a place one of my friends work at. It’s amazing! It’s like a gift shop with all kinds of unique things i have tons of interest in, so obviously i ask if they’re hiring and when they gave me a paper application i filled it out then and there.

So, i wait and make sure to either stop in or call to make sure they know I’m serious about working there. Got a date set up for an interview - Aug 15th.

The day come i show up 20 minutes early and rehearse what I’m going to say because i really really want this job. I casually walk into the store about 5 minutes early and say I’m there for the interview. To which the reply was “Could you come back in about 10 minutes, we just had something come up”

Im all like “yeah, not a problem. I’ll be back then.” I sat down on one of the benches in the mall in my free time and quizzes myself trying to drill everything i need to say in my interview into my head. When time expires i took another deep breath and walk in again. I was thanked for my patience and we headed out of the business to a few seats outside the store. (To me this is odd, shouldn’t the interview be in the back where it’s quiet?) regardless i follow and the interview begins and I’m told the reason we’re outside the store is because they just found out that they’re going to have to move locations within the mall and i know more than most of the people that work there because that’s what the interview delay was about. I was asked if that was a problem and i said “no, not at all as long as you just don’t want me strictly for moving things” i said jokingly.

So, the interview continues and I’m feeling great I’m nailing all these questions and one of the questions was something similar to “am i accepting towards other people” and without missing a beat i said “well, absolutely I’m trans so I’d be quite the hypocrite to look down on others.” Oops, accidentally outer myself i thought. I can kiss this job goodbye.

But, to my surprise i was told most of the staff is LGBT and not to worry and that relieved me greatly and i was told i would get a call back soon (i was impossible to get a timeframe because of the move, understandably.)

So, i continued to check in every week or so until i was told to come in and they’d go over the basics and rules with me and get me familiar with the layout. (I wanna say maybe a week later) So, obviously i show up and everything was explained super hap hazardously because i was told “you won’t need to know most of this since were moving to another location... fair enough)

They had me put ceramic and fragile items in the proper boxes and such and then the next week they did the same after those 2 days i filled out a tax paper and was told about the app they used to communicate with and was added and told the schedule would be posted there.

They have me scheduled for 4 hours one day that was all i figured ok cool I’m new that’s no big deal. I was careful packing things and was praised for not breaking anything accidentally because i was told i would and it happens to everyone.

A month and a half pass and i get called into the new store to help organization and learn the new layout. I was secretly upset so i asked my friend when we got off why they didn’t schedule me at all during the move and i was told that the owner doesn’t like women doing heavy lifting and labor because of a past accident (a bit sexist i thought but it made me happy as i was being referred to by my employer as female, so I’ll take it)

My friend also told me in confidence that she was going to be promoted to manager and not to say anything but she was excited and i was excited for her.

My first day working (basically, since i was never really given proper training still.) THEY HAD ME OPEN BY MYSELF. I was sick to my stomach but there was instructions written down to help so i wasn’t worried and under the instructions on what to do and such it read “if any questions please contact (my friend), Manager 1, or Manager 2. (In that order)

My friend was listed first so naturally i thought that was the progression to go through, plus knowing she was in the process of being promoted i figured it was that way to help her understand how manager varies from regular employee. I followed the instructions to a tee. Found things to clean and stay busy during all of my shifts. I loved when the customers would come in it was very easy for me to establish connections and help sell stuff which was ya know my job. Always with a smile.

I’d come in for shifts and people hired around the same time as i was we’re sitting down doing nothing. I’m not the type of person to just tattle on someone so i try to help them and tell them to do anything to stay busy. To me we’re all like a family and i loved my coworkers.

I picked up on things really fast but i have the habit of repeating what was just said or wanting reiteration so i know what I’m doing is correct and it helps me remember for future reference.

Since, i picked up on things easy I’d have my coworkers asking me things which i just learned (because the computer system changed during the move and they were having trouble adjusting to the new one) and i was glad i could help them. It’s my work family i want what is best for us as a whole.

Now, this is where things start to get weird because this comes the day after the whole Trump wants to erase trans people thing.

I was asked my shirt size as all employees needed to wear them on the weekends and was told mine was lost. A few days before i noticed we had a for hire sign in the window which initially didn’t even catch my eye because i was told someone was in the process of getting let go because they made fun of a coworkers weight and didn’t stop.

Later, we had an abrupt day where everyone was to be at the store for retraining (wasn’t surprised because they really didn’t do it to begin with- this included Manager 1 overseeing Manager 2 while Manager 2 reviewed the normal employees. We went through the basics and i nailed it again, i actually got ahead of the Manager on something and how they were to be done because i was so proud of what I’d learned by myself with basically zero training.

I left there estatic. I nailed it.

I was asked about a minor screw up on my part i was never told about so i wasn’t worried.

I was asked “why i clocked out an 30 mins after close” to which i replied it was my first day closing and i wanted to triple check my math to make sure all the earnings for the day was accounted for.” To which i was told 15 mins after close is the absolute latest and i told my manager that it wouldn’t happen again.

I was also asked about my friend (you know the one that was going to get promoted to manager?) i was asked if i was told she was a manager to which i said no. Because ya know when something is said in confidence it stays there and i wasn’t about to get someone i deeply care about in trouble or fired especially someone who worked there basically since the beginning. I’m not the type of person to ever bring this info to their attention or hold it over their head. I believe good things come to good people.

A few hours later, i got this message through the app we used at work.

“Hi (My Name),

As you know I was in today to review employee status at (The store). After reviewing the status of all team members with (the owner) and (manager 2), it has been decided that we will not be able to continue your employment with (the business) long term. You can continue to work the next week that you're scheduled, and we can schedule you for one more week of work after that. November 10th would be the last possible day. We wanted to give you the courtesy of an advanced notice so that you can make future plans for yourself.”

I sat in my car re-reading this message thinking it had to be sent to the wrong person.

My first, response to this message was vague and thankful for the opportunity type response.

However, after talking to a few of my closest friends i was convinced to inquire more about this to which i was sent this message.

“(My name),

The issues we have been observing include difficulty with approaching customers and difficulty taking instruction and focusing on tasks. As the final decision was made with (the owners) input, it is not reversible.

These were my strengths, the things i was most proud of. I would have understood if it was things i wasn’t great at. But, it wasn’t. Which besides telling me in person was another slap in the face.

It because obvious that they were not basing any of this on any of the days i actually worked but only on a few hours that day. Keep in mind i never worked with anyone longer than one hour and worked alone mostly. At no point until the review day did i ever work with any of my managers since the store opened.

I got fucked over and I’m now currently looking for a job that accepts trans people and a place that actually takes interest in me as an employee and not a number.

Sorry, for this rant. I just wanted to share my frustration.

[lifeofalaurie]

my uwc story

i remember reading through uwc blogs when i had just found out about uwc and when i was applying and going through all those months of WAITING for the next step...and they were so helpful. im so glad these exist

i first found out uwc through my brother’s friend, who actually went to UWC atlantic college (where im headed!!!!) a few years back. it was one ordinary saturday afternoon (idk if it was actually saturday but that sounds right) and we were carpooling with said friend (usually i dont participate in these but i happened to be in the car that day) and we were talking about next year and whatever and she just kinda said that she wasn’t going to be back next year bc she was going to this ‘abroad’ program. i didnt even really think about it that much. i in fact forgot about it after that...apparently my dad did not.

so my dad would talk about it here and there but i was NOT INTERESTED for that whole year..then...i started researching a bit myself and thought oh this sounds kind of cool. i still didn't really get what UWC even was or if was even a legit thing. it just sounded like another boarding school (a huge NO for me). then i saw that there was a such thing as a “short program” (or maybe someone actually told me about it) and i decided to apply for the one at the USA campus in New Mexico. i remember writing the essays over winter break and thinking they were pretty terrible (there was also a skype interview involved and that was rough) so i was pretty shocked when i found out i had gotten in but it worked out well bc my fam was going to arizona anyway a week before that so i just flew to new mexico myself after that (i say that casually but we had to cancel tickets and get new ones so that i could go to new mexico instead of home PLUS i had to fly for myself for the first time and i was pretty confused). (also, the program is called global leadership forum or GLF)

after hermit’s peak hike (ALL UPHILL FOR A SOLID 4-5 HOURS) i think it was like 8 miles IDK. view was so nice though 10/10

GLF turned out to be an amazing experience and really solidified my trust in UWC and confirmed to me that it was indeed a real thing. i really loved how much we did in those 2 and half weeks or so - camping, hiking, interacting w wolves, having important discussions - and it really pushed me to decide to apply to UWC for real. maybe ill talk more about it in another post!!!!

ok so coming home i did even more research and really really started liking UWC and decided that i might as well try to apply. i knew they never had a certain ‘criteria’ for students but i also knew it was a long and stressful process and involved really digging deep so i really didn’t think much of it (didn’t think i really had a chance) after submitting my written application. and then began the long waiting game...

here’s a nice picture of the sky @ a wolf reservation! just wanted to add a nice pic 

i never joined any of those fb groups or college confidential things for applicants and good thing bc looking at some of them now stress me out so i wouldve probably been even more stressed if i had been involved in that. also i didnt even know they existed until later so thats also probably why.

anyway i had totally forgotten about UWC (more like i was sure they’d forgotten about me or there had been something wrong like my application wasn’t submitted or something) bc i didnt hear back until the end of november (i submitted the application early october). but finding out i was a semifinalist was kind of traumatic bc in my GLF snapchat group one of my friends (who’s going to Pearson this year!!!) said he’d moved on to the next stage and i hadn’t GOTTEN ANY EMAIL. i think i just accepted it that that was the end. but then a few hours passed when i finally decided to check a different email and, alas, there it was. so a few days later, i got an email from my interviewer when we should do our skype interview and it turned out to be the same day i was taking the ACT. good

the interview turned out to be completely ok and actually really great (enjoyable even!!?). if youre at that stage, seriously the best advice i have is to just chill and be honest when youre answering. also, make it more like a conversation rather than the interviewers (yes there are prob going to be more than 1 but i assure u its ok) asking u questions back and forth. think of it as a conversation- that helped me so much to relax. the interviewers just wants to talk to you and find out what kind of person you are and if youre the same one that wrote all those deep meaningful essays from the written application - so if you were honest from the start youll be completely fine...if not, well..sry

after that, school and extracurriculars and life really went up for me and i just forgot about UWC again. i never really told any of my friends about it or anyone except for my parents. i kind of wanted it to be a personal thing- get in or not in the end.

after a really good last day of school before winter break, i went to the town library (lol) and checked my phone and therE IT WAS. I WAS A FINALIST WHICH MEANT I WOULD BE GOING TO THE UWC USA CAMPUS FOR FINALIST WEEKEND. did not know what to expect

waiting for finalist weekend felt looooong

but it came

i flew there myself AND IT WASNT EVEN DIRECT and i remember feeling so independent and proud for making it. it turned out i was one of the later ones and in the last group to be bussed over (but i met a friend on the bus who i still talk to here and there who is going to RBC this yr!!). we were so late we missed the initial meeting and first night of activities and just went straight to the hotel. at the hotel i saw my interviewer and she gave me a hug (<3) and that helped calm me down and it was also really nice to see her in person bc i remember really liking her during our skype interview. then finalist weekend happened. and im pretty sure im not supposed to expose the process so all i can say was that it was actually so genuinely fun and a real good time 

UWC USA <3 

at the end we all exchanged social media and fb and all that and started a messenger group chat -- as nice as it was to be able to connect to everyone, i think it really stressed everyone out. they told us that results would come out early that week (FALSE). THAT WEEK AFTER FINALIST WEEKEND WAS THE MOST STRESSFUL THING EVER. IT TOOK YEARS FOR IT TO GO BY. i remember constantly checking my email between classes and everyone in the group chat wondering if anyone had heard. then on wed night, we all got an email that said the results would be notified by friday instead. the worst

i remember that friday evening i was packing for my first hackathon (it was fun) and thinking the call wouldnt come until later that night. people were freaking out all over the group chat. then, as i was scrambling packing my sweatpants into my bag, the home phone started ringing and i ran..RAN TO THE PHONE. it said my interviewer’s name on the caller ID and i was like OK THIS I S REAL. and i picked it up and it turned out i was too late so i frantically called back probably 10 times on multiple different phones (my efforts did not work). but then, i got a call to the home phone again and it was her so i picked up RIGHT AWAY and when she told me... i kid you not that i screamed and ran around my house a few times. so thats it. it was kind of a really long and sstressful process for sure, but SOO WORTH IT. i definitely learned a lot just from that process bc it makes you think and reflect a lot all throughout. weeee

if youre even thinking about applying please GO FOR IT (well as long as ur in the right age limit, 16-18.... and also make sure you’ve done some research to get a feel for it).. but just DO IT. and u can ask me questions if u want and ill answer to the best of my personal ability (but remember that im just one person and one experience and each person’s experience is completely different)

here is the general website btw:

https://www.uwc.org/

i will probably do another post to explain UWC - at least in my own words and perspective!

<3 <3 <3

[sorikkung]

You did an intro to got7 a while ago could you maybe do one for A.C.E.??? They seem like a good group but I'm clueless atm so it would be v helpful!!!

lololol i did an intro to mark from got7 but not got7 as a whole, but yes ofc i will i love my talented bois and i love rambling about them heRE WE G O

an introduction to a.c.e, for dummies (jk ily choice is a great fandom pls join us)

also this is gonna get rlly long so im gonna put it under a cut

A.C.E is a 5-member boygroup under beat interactive!! which is a p small company atm so my boys dont exactly have the high quality living and practice areas and food that they deserve :(( THEYLL GET THERE THO IM SURE OF IT THEYRE LEGENDS

here’s their youtube channel with aaaaall sorts of goodies

i started stanning a.c.e predebut, bc they had a lot of content for a group that hadn’t debuted yet, and it was enough to snatch my attention real quick so you should check that shit out, they did a shitton of AMAZING covers and to get their name out there more, street buskings its a lot but i swear its worth your time theyre so talented!!

also they have matching tracksuits what more could you ask for tbh (as you can see from that vid, they’re literally so fucking extra)

a few of my favs are

this rlly long busking video w girl group songs and just a bit of everything tbh,

THIS amazing remix/cover of kard’s don’t recall by the rap line + this one cute girl,

only THE most iconic playing w fire cover, band version, (I WILL NEVER STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THAT VIDEO HONESTLY I COULD MAKE A POST ON THAT COVER ALONE ISTG) 

their flashlight cover that is enough to make a grown man cry omfuckigngOD it makes me feel things hjskskkh

that ONE TAKE dance cover they did of 3 of taeyangs songs, all focusing on a different member of the dance line

im gonna stop here before i link every damn cover they made

okay so now that thats covered (bad-um-tss) time for…DEBUT

THIs beauty right here is their debut song cactus, which has this really deep meaning to it. bc they came from a small company so they have to work extra hard to even be able to debut let alone be successful and they’re like a cactus bc cacti grow in the desert where there’s very little water but they still manage to stand strong even through the hardest of weather an environment conditions and eventually sprout beautiful flowers,, buuuuuut its also a meme for obvious reasons.

tbh debut era choice culture was just listening to cactus on repeat for days bc it was their only song at the time skjslaas not much has changed tbh LMAO but yes theyre a very edm loving group so their DANCE SKILLS ARE ON POINT SERIOUSLY IVE SEEN FEW GROUPS AS AMAZING AT DANCING AS ACE WOWOW

oh yeah did i mention that their fandom name is choice and that choice are literally the softest fandom my multifandom ass has e v e r been in?? theres literally no cringy or toxic side of the fandom its just so soft and welcoming and pure and everyone is so nice and sweet and friendly and just??? wow i love choice a lot hjkskjsshkhk choice are also SUPER talented too stan talent stan choice

speaking of cringe ace is that group that just like skipped the entire “rlly cringy boygroup debut phase” completely like no weird debut haircuts or outfits or weird lyrics about girls, well actually thats all kinda objective but like they made those outfits work ok and im a cactus isnt that weird of a lyric if you know the deep meaning behind it

aS yOu CaN sEe, cactus era was the era of the tHIGHS and the hot pants. it was literally so iconic it blew up and with great reason too, have you seen those thighs?? AND THEY KNOW IT TOO they even mentioned they chose the hot pants as their style concept and took better care of their legs than their faces. true kings. heres a video of a.c.e talking about the whole hot pants thing and just their legs in general its some quality shit. and heres a video where they decide to show off just how great their thighs are bc they like to kill choices like that, this video is important and iconic bc its where the wowson ship began and also when they declared who the king of thighs were amongst the kings of thighs. definitely a necessary watch for new choice imo. donghun lowkey grinds on the floor at 4:04, you’ve been warned. honestly that video just gets progressively gayer lmao i love it

also for us international choice they made an ENGLISH cover of cactus CAN YOU BELIEVE IT I LOVE THEM SM they didnt have to but they did and oml stan a group who stans you back this hard their english aint that great but theyre trying and i appreciate it so much theyre so amazing look

five months later they dropped their second single, callin’, and b o y was this a stressful comeback, beat had us FOOLEd,, i genuinely thought it was gonna be a flowerboy soft concept yknow with like some sweet lowkey ballad or soft pop song, but nOOooOOOooo, MORE HARDSTYLE EDM not that im complaining callin is a bop but i was TRICKED

LOOK AT THIS SHIT ITS ALL AESTHETIC AND THE CLIP OF THE SONG WAS ALL SOFT I WAS REALLY EXPECTING SMTH SOFT im sorry im still salty that beat tricked me but ITS FINE bc callin is a HELLA BOP like i honestly didnt expect them to top cactus so quickly bc like cactus was hella but they DID and its amazing and heres the link be blessed (warning, these gifs above make it look like a soft vid but there are LOTS of flashing colours and lights and its really intense on the eyes if youre not comfortable with that dont watch, just listen)

they also supplied multiple dance pracs you can find on their channel for callin bc ace feeds us well, although callin had a reaaaally short promotion period bc right after they got thrown onto survival shows for more publicity, but hey, its working!! choice is growing bigger every day and im so proud

donghun, wow and jason all went on yg’s show mixnine, and jun and chan went on the idol rebooting show, the unit. both teams are doing EXTREMELY well on their respective shows!! but ill talk more about that in their individual member profiles bc they havent been put on the same team for anything yet rip

edit: mixnine finished and donghun and jason made the cut for the final group, sehyoon didn’t :(( so dongson will be promoting with the mixnine group for a lil bit!! also chan made it to the unit debut group but jun didnt. im hoping for a sehyjun subunit pls

that was long af but now im gonna dive into the members individually!! so its probs gonna get twice as long sorrynotsorry i warned you

Jun (Park Junhee)

jun is the so-called fiery leader of ace (also lead dancer and lead vocal) but is honestly just a giant dork and a sweetheart. hes the type of guy who you scream at for being dumb and call him an idiot but thats your weird way of expressing your undying love for him?? ask literally any jun stan, they’ll say they hate him. hate him for being so PERFECT like a fucking DISNEY PRINCE he’s the designated prince of the group you know theres always that one member and hes just so LOVEABLE and stupid and skjdakhkjs he fuckign dropped his cake on his birthday when do your faves ever. dad of the group, probably lost the maknaes in the shopping mall about 3 times already. talks a lot, hates aegyo, his members might be planning on sacrificing him to satan? he does on idol class with chan every…i think its wednesday and fans vote who gets punishments n stuff and jun loses every damn time i think hes losing his faith in choice lmao. #saveleaderjun

he’s kinda married to donghun, they’re the parents of ace but donghun might try murder him in his sleep idk man, but now hes on the unit with chan and theyre all cute and you can literally ship everyone with everyone in this group

he has HELLA charisma on stage tho oh my gOd also he has one of the most unique singing voices ive ever heard so its really easy to single out, his face also is the first i learned to tell apart?? he has rlly high cheekbones and a wide but thin smile.

this is actually an ot5 video not just jun but jun’s reaction was by far the most iconic so i have to put it in his section, get you a fave who can FLY lmaooo

it would be CRIMINAL if i didnt solo out jun’s ringa linga cover, thE MOST ICONIC JUN COVER EVER HJFKDSJKFDSJK if i ever stop talking about this assume im dead bc IVE NEVER GOTTEN OVER IT jun in a leather jacket looking all rude and staring at the camera like that im WEAK, SO WEAK, AAAAAAAAHHHH

[ahem] MOVING ON

Donghun (Lee Donghun)

donghun, sometimes romanised as donghoon and often referred to by choice as hun or hoon, is the oldest member of the group and another total sweetheart, honestly ace is just a group of sweethearts, he cares for his members so damn much and is super soft?? but ALSO A s Av Age he’s on mixnine with sehyoon and jason and he SHOT DOWN YG, once again I C O N I C, yg was at a loss for words, heres more receipts of him being savage, i love my sassy boyfriend. BUT HES ALSO A SWEET NOODLE HJKSHJKS oH and did you know that before he joined a.c.e he had no experience in dancing whatsoever and in a year and a half, he caught up with the other four members that have been dancing since they were kids?? I STAN TALENT YALL you’d literally never be able to guess that bc all of them are like on an equal dance level its insane

also he used to have braces during cactus era and it was the softest shit

[cOUGHS] so like did someone say disrespect,,, bc he can do that too,,,,, aAAAAAAAH the duality of this man istg

he’s the main vocalist and has vO C AL S OF AN A N GEL, he has so much soul and emotion in his voice, and has adlibs for days oh my god, he also has the MOST BEAUTIFUL FALSETTO i’ve ever heard, fight me, actually come at me. his voice works REALLY well with chan so they pair him up with him for quite a handful of covers like the all of me one i linked (one of my favs omfg it makes me emo) cause like, his soulful voice plus chan’s higher, sweet voice just sounds so great together i love our main vocals wow.

sPEAKING OF WOW,

Wow (Kim Sehyoon)

his stage name is wow, but its hard to take seriously so the fandom just calls him sehyoon lmfao. it used to be seyoon but when he went on mixnine, he revealed sehyoon was the official romanization so here we are lmao. even if your bias isn’t sehyoon…it’s sehyoon. he’s just that guy ya feel me?? anyways sehyoon is a relatively quiet and reserved guy, but his members really pull out the dork in him, i love it so much?? he doesn’t talk much but when he does all of a.c.e directs their full attention to him to listen, its really sweet, hes pretty awkward with people but you can tell he just feels so safe and comfortable with ace it honestly warms my heart. he’s the main rapper and main dancer, but!! our multitalented man is also a vocalist. yes, you heard, me, the main rapper can sing, and really well at that. (if you scroll up back to the flashlight and dont recall covers, you can see more of his voice.)

gets the least lines, but not by much. although hearing his singing voice in their actual songs has happened like with 2 lines?? so idk man im just waiting for their ballad song that theyre apparently doing for their third song, god im so ready. i love his voice a lot, damn.

he’s also like reeeeeeeeeally gay for jason…the entire fandom ships it and they even ship it themselves. wowson, the otp of ace, they honestly just cant keep their hands off eachother??? i know a friend who struggled to tell apart jun and jason so she just looked at who sehyoon was standing next to and instantly knew it was jason. THEYRE SO CLINGY. i love my squishy boyfriends. 

OHHH BOY…i really could’ve used an even more disrespectful gif than this but that would ruin the surprise of watching it in the actual video!! as you can see, sehyoon is the K I N G of disrespect on stage, that shy lil fluffle bean you see offstage?? GONE. DISAPPEARED. VANISHED. this is why his stage name is wow, sehyoon disappears and you just go wow. choice has dubbed him king of bodyrolls with great reason, he makes every concept into a sexy concept, he just has that intimidatingly sexy aura to him, its incredible. 

now…are you ready….i bet youre not…who am i kidding NOBODY was ready for this shit. on mixnine, sehyoon was picked as leader for one of their stages (i think he was leader for ringa linga too??) and got to choreograph the routine. if you think its already rude 10 seconds in, its all over for you bitches when the lighting goes yellow. i feel the need to repeat, our boy CHOREOGRAPHED THIS. IT WAS ALL HIS IDEA. EVERY. SINGLE. PART. this is the same kid who everyone on the show knew as the shy, quiet, handsome boy. but then. 

but then he did this.

Jason (Kim Byeongkwan)

jason is his stage name that he chose for himself but his real name is byeongkwan, its another case of an idol having a stage name and nobody calling them by it?? i mean most new choice call him jason and i personally switch between the two but most choice seem to call him byeongkwan or bk if theyre extra lazy lmao. memers call him byonk sometimes.

jason is the weird child of the group and we all love him…he’s the second lil ball of sunshine and part ½ of the maknae line. he’s often found clinging to sehyoon or literally any of the members bc he’s an affectionate son who loves cuddles okay?? p r o t e c t   h i m.

he’s also the lead everything. yeah thats really not fair but jason is op ok?? singing, rapping, dancing, visual, like sehyoon he’s the full package, i can hardly call them the rap line they’re just the op line t b h. triple threats.

on their official twt jason likes to confirm wowson a lot, its p great lololol he’s the biggest wowson shipper of all time. want more wowson? i gotchu, here’s one of my absolute fav moments. (ft. junchan/chun)

he has some HELLA CHARISMA on stage like boy can u pls chill. they also love doing his eye makeup with that red makeup and it looks rlly good bc bk has such pretty eagle eyes and its his Look™ and that along with his onstage persona is a DEADLY COMBINATION HDSJKSKSLKJS 

i’m just gonna keep this short; even if your bias isnt byeongkwan, your bias is byeongkwan. he has that affect on everybody. number one bias wrecker out of the fandom t b h apart from sehyoon (he cant be my bias wrecker if he is my bias so im safe :^J)

Chan (Kang Yuchan)

INTRODUCING OUR CHANSHINE, MAIN VOCAL OF ACE, CUTIE MAKNAE CHAN!!!! he always introduces himself as a.c.e’s main vocal cutie maknae chan, its his iconic line and it suits him so well like LOOK AT HIM ISNT HE JUST A FUCKING RAY OF SUNSHINE WHAT A PURE CHILD I MUST PROTECC he’s literally the happy virus y’all AND ACE KNOWS IT TOO heres this one time where donghun even said that looking at chan cheers him up. certified sunshines only, everyone. also watch that whole video its long but its worth your time.

anyways our boy is a main vocal and as mentioned in donghun’s part they harmonize!!! so!! well!! i mean tbh all of ace can harmonize with eachother its the most beautfiul thing but these two are main vocal for a reason okay. if you didn’t already watch it in donghun’s part listen to THIS and have your ears be blessed i cry everytime oh my god skdfhd ALSO THIS IS SUPER IMPORTANT ITS LIKE ONE OF MY FAVOURITE VIDEOS ON THE INTERNET i want to cry i lvoe chans voice so much i love chan i love kang yuchan og hmylhdg sodf i was gonna say i swear im sehyoon biased but im not istg ace is bias wrecking me 24/7 its been the hardest group to pick a bias in ever im not kidding i cant even

also known as kang RUDE, chan was all innocent sunshine and daisies until out of the blue he decided to give the disrespect king sehyoon a run for his fucking money. NOBODY FUCKING SAW IT COMING WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS SO PURE AND THEN HE SUDDENLY STARTED FLASHING HIS ABS EVERYWHERE AND GRINDING ON THE FLOOR AND DOING THAT AND WE JUST CANT HANDLE IT i dont know a kang yuchan please save me oh my lord

okay this already has an ungodly amount of links and honestly i could go on, but this should be a good enough kickstart for you!!

stan talent stan a.c.e everyone. welcome to the choice family. its literally the softest and sweetest fandom out there. we welcome you with open arms and lots of cacti!!!

[liebesyhhra]

ramadhan prep

Bismillaah

This post is inspired by my friend, H. She is someone i look up to a lot for all her tenacity, great ideas and really the amazing person that she is. MasyaAllah :) 

dear H,

last night as we welcomed ramadhan i finally had the drive to write about the lessons from sharing sessions and talks ive been to, particularly a talk i attended at masjid ansar about ramadhan. turned out the drive was warm warm chicken poop (hangat hangat tahi ayam hahahaha) only and i ended up not writing. hahaha nothing new there!!! 

that same night you shared with me about your islamic sharing instagram account big idea you had with your friend!! and i was so thrilled!!! partly because you’re basically doing what i’ve always wanted to do on a blog but been putting off for a long timeee. the other part is just me being so proud of you for always coming up with amazing ideas and always so willing to share the good stuff that you come across. i really hope this great idea will become reality and i really really look forward to it!!! count me in anytime hehe.

sometimes i hide behind an inferior complex when deciding not to pursue something like oh im never going to deserve to do calligraphy because i am not arty and i don’t want to degrade calligraphers by my undeserving attempt. that sounds super silly hahaha but ya i am silly like that. it was only natural (???? silly^10000 but yes) that i completely threw away my idea of finally posting something on my blog, because someone better is doing it already. but H you were so supportive and interested in my own initiative, and plus all the thought challenging i did i realised that other people taking good initiatives does not in any way degrade my own. and so fast forward to now i’m still trying to get to the subject of matter hahahaha what a prelude!!! 

i attach the event poster for reference

i was very much interested by the concept haha unlimited data plan yes please my bills are getting so ex because data usage :-) kidding hehe of course there was more to it than its literal meaning. 

the talkshow by the five asatizah panelists covered three main topics:

pre-paid pahala

free outgoing doa

ramadan premium gold member

1. pre-paid pahala

the topics surrounding intentions and sincerity were being discussed. having good intentions without even carrying out the actions yet entitles a person to rewards --> pre-paid pahala cool eh !! may we all proceed to carry out the good we intend to do with sincerity, amin.

i. what is sincerity?

having sincerity/ikhlas is defined as doing something without hoping for any reciprocation or rewards. this reminded me so much of our malay literature days when cikgu A would ask “what is the most important lesson we can learn from the sun?” when we were going through the sajak ‘menjaring mentari hidupku’. (sidetrack i really couldn’t remember the sajak title i just remembered something got to do with sun but definitely not mengejar mentari...........huehe anje ayanggg) the answer being: the sun gives and gives, even when it knows the beings on earth can never repay it. what can i give the sun?? what can the plants give the sun?? and still it continues being the number one source of energy everyday. 

in doing good deeds though sometimes we experience spiritual and moral roadblocks like feeling riyak and overly proud of the good we do. asatizah shared that the way around these roadblocks is not to simply stop doing the good, but continue to engage in the good deed as well as pray that Allah removes the riyak and grant us sincerity.

asatizah shared a story of saidatina Fatimah r.a’s sincerity in helping those in need, putting their needs above her own. nobody knew of the story until Allah sent down a verse narrating the sincere deed Fatimah r.a had carried out. 

the story took place during the month of ramadhan. each day Fatimah r.a only had water, milk and bread to break her fast with. on the first day during iftar, a needy person came knocking to ask for food. she gave away her food and only had water for herself. this happened for three consecutive nights masyaAllah! idk if it were me i’d probably have gone ‘oh im so hungy i havent eaten in three days i gave all my food away to the poor!!!’ probably hoping for some sort of acknowledgement or applaud haha or complimentary iftar. but masyaAllah Fatimah carried the deed out without expecting anything but Allah’s blessings. her intention was solely to please God. the verse is recorded in the quran:

وَيُطْعِمُونَ الطَّعَامَ عَلَىٰ حُبِّهِ مِسْكِينًا وَيَتِيمًا وَأَسِيرًا  إِنَّمَا نُطْعِمُكُمْ لِوَجْهِ اللَّهِ لَا نُرِيدُ مِنكُمْ جَزَاءً وَلَا شُكُورًا

surah al-insan, 8-9

ii. how do we know of a person’s sincerity?

we dont hahahaha. only Allah knows! but it’s always good to believe someone is doing a good deed out of good intention and sincerity. on our part too, we may have ulterior motives intentional or unintentionally along the way of doing good. dont stop nothing to see here move along now keep calm and doa!

iii. how to attain and maintain sincerity?

be conscious of our intentions to do something for the sake of Allah

act it out. actions speak louder than words

istiqamah in training our hearts

remember that Allah sees and appreciates each and every good deed and intention

introspection/muhasabah

here, asatizah shared the story of saidina Kalid al Walid r.a. Khalid was leading a battle when he was demoted by khalifah Umar. instead of being bitter about it he fought harder and with even more willpower. when asked why he was not the least bit demotivated over being demoted, he replied that he fought not for the title but for the sake of Allah. 

knowing that Allah always appreciates the good we do is so heartening. it’s also so heartening when people are appreciative of the good we do. this doesn’t negate our sincerity though, view it as Allah’s way of making us happy through His other creations

iv. benefits of ikhlas

self-fulfilment

pahalaaa hehe amin

peace of mind

wont feel disappointed over lack of reciprocation

part two nexttttttt

2. free outgoing doa

ramadhan is the month of mercy! forgiveness! and so we ask of Allah for aaall that and more in the blessed month. 

asatizah first shared the mannerisms of making doa, which are found in the structure of surah al-fatihah. ustazah S shared this before in school!! so excited for some reason when ustaz shared during the talk. making doa inadvertently makes us realise that we are such....small beings who depend so much on His mercy. it would only be appropriate to make doa in a state of sincerity, humbleness and humility. 

doa is significant in our lives, such that it instills Hope in us and husnuszhon towards Allah.

doa is also a form of self-motivation. when we pray for something good for ourselves eg ya Allah please help me become successful in my studies, indirectly we push ourselves to do our best so our prayer comes true. we won’t pray for something we are not working towards so masyaAllah this was an interesting insight!

on to the last one!!!

3. ramadhan premium gold member

aka laylatul qadr 

this talk was held pre-ramadhan, and ustazah said preparation had to begin NOW, which was a week ago haha but now now is not too late either! it’s not too early either considering insyaAllah we will try to find it in the last ten nights. however the spiritual burnout is real and nauzubillah, so let’s all keep in mind that the most loved by Allah are little but consistent deeds! youre doing great sweetie :* 

while living our nights in qiyam, asatizah reminded us to always keep ourselves and our parents in our doa. yang terbaik, amin! may we be blessed with the opportunity to live the night of power and receive blessings of a thousand months amin! ultimate level of premium gold membership masyaAllah.

4. miscellaneous

under the topic of doa actually, in our humility sometimes we would cry when asking Allah for something we really want. however there are also people who try their best to have that humility but cannot cry (like me hahaaaa so hard hearted nauzubillah) and that’s ok. sometimes it’s the peace in our heart that can be felt. 

so alhamdulillah! that’s all to share from the distinguished panelists. there were nasyid and poetry performances too which were amazinggg live spotify hahaha. this more or less helped me look forward to all the amazing goodness being offered in ramadhan, and what i can start with; having the right intentions. i really enjoyed penning this down and i hope this wont be the last! thank you, H, for spurring me on to finally act out this particular intention. may Allah bless you always all ways!!! so sayang

i was so afraid and unprepared to welcome ramadhan, still so irrationally afraid even as we’ve fasted for the first day.. going to this talk and previously the one with you at masjid Ruadhah helped me prepare a bit spiritually alhamdulillah. thank you for being there with me and for me during this journey! maybe i am afraid i won’t live up to my best behaviour. maybe i am so afraid of feeling lonely. maybe i am so afraid of.....idk actually what i’m afraid of. in spite of all that, i hope you, me and everybody else will have a blessed ramadhan ahead and do our best to give our best, insyaAllah

i am ending this off with a quote

God’s delays aren’t God’s rejections. Worry ends when Faith begins.

and a doa

اللهم انك عفو تحب العفو فاعف عنا يا كريم

ramadhan kareem! 

semoga Allah redha

sending lots of luv,

<3

[i-also-miss-our-talks]

IHOP and the Enigma (Connor Murphy x Reader)

Asked by Anonymous: Can I please get a Connor x Reader where the reader is basically Belle and Connor is the Beast. Thank you

Bro tbh I have no idea what I just fucking wrote. I think I started to work with your request, but it slowly veered away from it and I’m so so so sorry about that. Even though this took me forever to write, I honestly hate how it came out and I will most likely redo it in the future.

WC: 2,751

Warnings: Swearing, Mention of attempted suicide, Shitty writing, Jared Kleinman

Masterlist

Again, sorry for the horrible writing. I really should not post this. I am not proud of how this turned out at all. Please don’t send me messages about how random it is and how I can’t stick to one plot line.

Because I know that already.

Also I haven’t slept in like 24 hours so give me a break.

Connor Murphy was an enigma.

By definition, an enigma is a person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand.

So, yeah. Connor Murphy was an enigma. And everyone at school avoided him like any other enigma in their lives. Including the area underneath the left side of the football fields bleachers. That’s where Connor went to smoke. No one dared to venture near that side, fearful of what the “School Shooter” might do if he found out.

You, of course, weren’t fearful. You were rather curious. Curious if Connor Murphy actually smoked there or if it was just a myth. Curious about what he would do if he found someone in his area. Curious as to how enigmatic this enigma really was.

Therefore, you conducted an experiment. In all honesty, you just didn’t want to sit through another boring history lecture. So instead, you decided to put your curiousness at ease.

You sat under the bleachers, pulled out your phone, and scrolled through some apps while you waited for Connor.

“Hey!”

Thankfully, you didn’t have to wait too long.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing here?” Connor asked as he walked under the bleachers. He stuffed an unlit joint back into his hoodie pocket.

You look up at him. “I was just doing an experiment.”

“An experiment? That’s a poor ass excuse. What are you actually doing here? Trying to find out some creepy shit about me so I’ll freak out?” Connor accused, his temper growing by the second.

You shook your head, putting your hands up. “No! I swear it was just for an experiment! I’ll be on my way!” You spring up and start to walk away until you feel a tug on your backpack.

“Nope. No fucking way are you leaving just yet,” Connor snarled. He harshly pulled you back against one of the metal poles. Your head slammed against the metal but you weren’t worried about the pain. You were more frightened by what Connor was doing. “You’re gonna help me show people that I’m not to be fucking messed with. So as of now, you’re my slave.”

You opened your mouth in protest, but quickly shut it when Connor glared at you with eyes full of darkness. Wordlessly, you nod.

Connor smirked slightly before letting you go, pulling his joint back out of his pocket. He grabbed a piece of paper and handed it to you. “Write down your number. I’ll text you whenever I need you for something.”

Again, you nodded and obeyed. Your shaking hand made it difficult to write the numbers cleanly, but you managed. You handed the paper back to him and gripped your backpack straps.

Connor stuffed the paper in his pocket and lit his joint. “Now get your ass out of here before people see you with the School Shooter.”

So you ran back to class. What did you get yourself into?

During lunch, you got your first text.

From Connor: Y/N this better be your fucking number

You rolled your eyes and went outside to eat, as always. You sat against a tree away from everyone else and took out your lunch.

To Connor: It is. Chill.

From Connor: where the fuck are you

To Connor: Outside eating lunch. Why does it matter?

You put your phone away and start eating your sandwich. Just as you were about to take your first bite, someone sat down next to you. So much for away from everyone else. You sigh and look next to you, surprised to see the enigma himself. “What are you doing here?”

Connor shrugged. “Figured if you’re my slave, I should at least fucking try to get to know you,” he said, taking his bag off his shoulder.

You nodded and ate silently. But Connor just sat against the tree, staring off into the distance.

“Don’t you have a lunch?” you asked, slightly concerned by how calm he was.

Connor shook his head. “Nope.”

“Do you want some of mine?”

His head whipped towards you. “What?”

“Do you want some of my lunch?” you repeat, holding out your apple towards him.

“Why the fuck would you share your shitty lunch with me?”

You shrug. “Why not?” Connor stared at the apple for a few seconds before grabbing it cautiously. “It’s just an apple, Connor. It’s not gonna bite.”

Connor rolled his eyes and mumbled incoherently before taking a bite of the apple. When he was finished, he threw the core as far as he could into the grassy field ahead of them.

“Connor, what the hell? Why didn’t you just throw it out?” you question, packing up the rest of your lunch.

“It’s an apple. It’ll decompose. Just give it some time,” he said, standing up and putting his bag back on. “Plus, that’s where the shitty soccer team practices so hopefully they’ll slip on it,” Connor mumbled before walking back into the school.

Even though the bell rang, indicating lunch was over, you kept rooted in your spot.

What kind of fucking enigma was Connor Murphy?

It was a few months since that day and that enigma still called you his slave. You did multiple things for him, including doing his homework, buying him more nail polish, and once you even had to pick up some weed from his dealer for him.

From Connor: tomorrow get me some coffee

“Ugh!” you cry out, flopping onto your stomach on your bed. It was currently 11:47 at night, just when you were about to fall asleep, when Connor Murphy gave you another job as his slave.

To Connor: Fine. What kind?

From Connor: dark roast with two creams

To Connor: Really? You don’t want any of the fancy stuff? I think the Pumpkin Spice Latte is back in season.

From Connor: im not drinking that shit

To Connor: Alright. Dark Roast it is.

You turned off your phone and rolled onto your back. You closed your eyes, ready to go to sleep.

From Connor: ill give you money at school tomorrow

“That asshat!” you yelled into your pillow before replying.

To Connor: Okay.

From Connor: okay

To Connor: Don’t start with that Fault In Our Stars shit. I beg of you.

From Connor: damn i didnt mean it like that fuck

You smiled a little bit.

To Connor: You okay, Connor? It seems like you’re just trying to make conversation.

From Connor: im fucking perfect

To Connor: You don’t seem fine. Send me your address. I’m gonna pick you up. We’re going to IHOP.

You got dressed in some jeans and an old T-Shirt and headed downstairs where your mom was still watching TV. “Hey, Mom? One of my…friends isn’t feeling well so I’m gonna take him out to IHOP,” you said.

Your mom muted the TV and looked up at you. “At midnight? On a school night? I don’t think so, Y/N.”

You bit your lip. “Mom…he’s attempted suicide before.” The memory of the assembly from years ago flashed through your mind. The first time Connor tried to kill himself. You didn’t know him then (if you even knew him now) but you did learn a bit about it and what signs to watch out for.

Her eyes widened. “Oh…yes…yes that’s fine. Just keep me updated, okay?”

You nodded and kissed her cheek. “Thanks!” You grabbed your keys, pulling out your phone when Connor texted you his address.

You sat down across from the enigma at the booth. There were a handful of other people in the restaurant, but you and Connor asked to be sat away from them. So they gave you a back corner booth.

After ordering your food, you decided to start the conversation. “So…you’re getting waffles?”

Great conversation starter.

Connor nodded, pulling his hair back into a messy bun. “Yeah. Waffles are pretty fucking good.”

You shrug. “I prefer pancakes, myself.”

Connor smirked. “What’s the difference?”

“Nothing except that pancakes are the best.”

“What proof do you have?”

“I have the proof of everyone here!”

Connor let out a laugh. Whoa. “Oh yeah? How do you know if they prefer shitty pancakes over the almighty waffles?”

You smiled brightly. “I’ll just ask them!” You grabbed a napkin and pulled a pen out of your pocket (magic!). You quickly made a T-Chart on the napkin and walked around, asking everyone there if they preferred pancakes or waffles. Connor laughed as he watched you walk around all the half asleep patrons, trying to pry an answer out of them.

You walked back to the table and showed Connor your results. “So we’ve got five for pancakes, five for waffles, and two that are allergic to eggs.”

Connor smiled, whoa part two, and crossed his arms. “So you still don’t have any proof?”

You shook your head. ���I guess not.” Your food then came out. The waitress set the plates down and started to walk away. “Wait!” you said. “Do you prefer pancakes or waffles?”

The waitress thought for a moment. “I’d say pancakes.”

“YES!” you yelled, pumping your fists in the air. “PANCAKES RULE!”

Connor laughed. “Now you’re gonna get our asses kicked out of here for yelling so fucking loud.”

You laughed and began to eat.

The drive back home was much more enjoyable than the drive to the restaurant. You two couldn’t stop talking. And it wasn’t just awkward conversations, either. It was laughing and debating and truly enjoying each others company.

You pulled into Connors driveway and turned off the car. “Well, I guess we’re here,” you sighed, turning to face him.

Connor nodded and looked at you. “Yeah. Guess we are.” He scratched the back of his neck. “I, uh, thanks…for that, I guess. It…it really helped? I don’t fucking know how you knew I wasn’t feeling well but somehow you fucking did so yeah.”

You don’t know how it happened. Maybe it was from all the sugar you just had. Maybe it was because it was 2:32 in the morning. Maybe it was because you were the only person who saw this side of Connor so you felt like you could do anything. But whatever the reasoning, with a sudden bolt of confidence, you did it. You reached out, grabbed the collar of Connors shirt with your hands, and slammed your lips against his.

Teeth clacked, noses bumped, eyes closed too tight. It was a horrible kiss as kisses go. But it felt so right. At least, you thought it did.

Connor gripped your shoulders and detached his lips from yours. “What the actual fuck, Y/N?”

You blushed deeply and avoided his eyes. “I’m sorry! It-it-it just felt like what I w-w-was supposed to do! I-I won’t d-do it again I pr-“ You were cut off by Connor once again. He kissed you, properly this time.

Sighing contently, you loosened your grip on his collar and reached a hand up to his hair. Carefully, you took out his ponytail holder and let his hair fall around you two. You giggled against his lips as his hair tickled your nose.

Connor smiled and let go of your shoulders. He tangled one hand in your hair and put the other one on your waist. He gently squeezed your waist, causing you to let out a small moan. Connor took this opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth.

You two made out for a few more minutes until you both forced yourselves apart. Your backs slammed against the car seats, both of you panting.

“Whoa,” you mumbled, running your fingers over your swollen lips.

Connor ran a hand through his hair. He licked his lips and took a deep breath. “So…what now?”

You shrug. “I…I don’t know,” you mumbled. “Does this count as Stockholm Syndrome?”

Connor laughed. Like, really laughed. Like, threw his head back and squeezed his eyes shut tight laughed. “I have no fucking clue!”

You laughed along with him. Wow. That just happened. You made out with the enigma of the school.

And boy, oh boy, were you happy about it.

The next day, not even five hours later, you pulled into the Murphy’s driveway. Clutching his coffee, you walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later, Connor appeared, his hair tangled in knots and bags the size of carry-ons. But seeing you, his face lit up just a bit.

“Hey,” Connor said and leaned down to peck your lips.

You smiled and returned the kiss. “Hey. Ready to go?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. Just let me grab my shit.” He took his coffee before walking into the other room. A few moments later, he returned and grabbed the keys out of your hands. “Let’s go.”

You nodded and followed him to the car. Normally, Connor would drive to school while he’s still in a somewhat decent mood, and you would chill in the passenger seat, not daring to say a word. But today, you took a risk. You grabbed his free hand and intertwined your fingers. From the corner of your eye, you could’ve sworn you saw Connors mouth turn up in a slight smile.

When you got to school, Connor parked in the back of the lot and quickly turned off the car. He faced you and squeezed your hand. “Y/N, I don’t want you as my fucking slave. I want you as my S/O. Okay?”

You smiled brightly. “Okay.”

“Don’t start with that Fault In Our Stars shit.”

You giggled and got out of the car, grabbed his hand, and walked into school with your enigma. Of course, having spent the past few months as his slave, you knew Connor’s class was before yours. “I guess I’ll see you at lunch?”

Connor nodded. “Yeah. See you then.” He leaned down to give you a quick kiss before letting go of your hand and walking into his class. You smiled and began your trek to the other side of the school.

That is, until Jared Kleinman came along.

“So you’re dating the school shooter, huh? Tell me, how’s the freak in bed?” Jared smirked, walking beside you.

You frowned. “He’s not a freak, Jared. Fuck off.”

“See, this is what happens when he threatens you. He’s probably holding your family hostage so you’ll agree to date him, huh Y/N?” Jared nudged you.

“Shut up, Kleinman! Leave me the fuck alone!” You started a quicker pace towards your class.

Jared, of course, didn’t leave you alone. Cause why would he? “You’re not actually saying you like that stoner, are you?”

“Actually, I’m saying I fucking love him, alright? Connor’s changed, Jared. Maybe you could learn something from him,” you spat before stomping into your class. You quickly took your seat and laid your head in your arms.

Soon enough, lunch came. You ran out to the tree and smiled when you say Connor. “Hey!”

Connor turned and smiled at you. “Hey.” He wrapped an arm around you as you two sat down. He pressed a small kiss to your temple. “I guess if we’re dating we should actually go on a fucking date, right?”

You shrugged. “Yeah kinda. We can just go to IHOP again, though,” you said, handing him your apple from your lunch.

Connor nods. “Yeah, but we should do other things too.”

“To be honest,” you say, smiling at him, “if it’s with you, I’d do anything, Connor.”

The long haired boy laughed. “Oh man, this is so Stockholm Syndrome.”

[vitos-ordination-song]

i look back on horror at who i was as a child a lot bc it was bad and i did bad things. but just now i felt kind of fond of little me and proud. bc i did survive and i was smart. 

i got sparked thinking about this bc i was thinking back to being really little. really little, potty training and earliest memories. i was so motivated to be perfect and actually i was good at getting approval. it’s sad bc thats what shaped the bad part of me. at this deep level i learned i did not want to be punished or disapproved of and so i tried to distance myself from my brothers who were punished and compared negatively to me. 

it’s weird bc for so long i felt shame about this. when i was in high school i apologized to my brothers in tears bc theyd often been resentful of me when we were young and i felt guilty for being the baby who got away with things while they were punished. from like age 2 to age maybe 10 i had a p bad superiority complex borne out of this and i just felt like a bad person for it for a long time. plus i didnt fully break out of the mindset til i let go of inferiority/superiority. 

i do see that i was just a child but thats kinda the part that feels like a horror movie. if i think of it being a child who was in situations i was and doing things i did, it feels horrifying. so most of my thinking back on being a kid are kinda disturbing. 

but im kinda getting back in touch w the part of myself i love for the past few years. and you know i survived for a reason. bc i love life and there are parts of me that are strong. what i was thinking about that started all of this was the kind of two-sided split nature of my childhood. what actual form did it take. 

i was absolutely obsessive about adult approval. to a degree that was v annoying to other kids but worked. i didnt necessarily SHOW that i was obsessed w it and i dont think i was even thinking consciously about it. a lot of my memories go in this vein. like i was good at memorizing bc that was asked of me. i could intense laser focus on things and memorize them. i remember frantically memorizing Bible verses at age 5 to win the Bible verse memorizing competition which the adults put on.

all of my strengths i had to be best in and all of my weaknesses were sources of shame i tried to improve on. i took very seriously morality as it was taught to me and made a great show of following it. i was often what you could consider teachers pet and basked in any positive reinforcement thrown my way. 

i was addicted to avoiding punishment and seeking reward. it was a response to my highly behaviorist, authoritarian upbringing. my emotional state in relationship with adults could vary wildly depending on how they treated me. i had a teacher in fourth grade who seemed to dislike and undermine me, like she wanted to break me, and i internalized my idea of her to help shape myself into someone who she would like. and it mostly worked. 

the intensity of my ability to do stuff like this cannot be understated. i learned to totally supress my sensory problems because they made adults annoyed with me and might lead to punishment (also i had to learn to deal with them alone because i had no help). i learned how to present a certain type of acceptable personality. 

i should note that i learned to do this first because of my parents. i learned later, but very young, that i had been easy to potty train. i was often praised both for being intelligent but especially for being “easy” and obidient. the perfect child. as compared to my brothers who wet the bed and had to be punished for it. ive thought for a while that the reason i was so obsessed with being perfect in school is that my mother homeschooled me and my brother for kintergarden. she screamed at him for being stupid. never me. 

being better was being safe. so i became this person who had to follow all the rules and be best at everything and i always wanted to be assured that i had earned love by my behavior. 

but the oddest thing about this is that i was a totally anti-authority, rebellious, and single-minded child. this is how the split in my personality manifested when i was little. any time i sensed any kind of unfairness i was livid. i undermined authority figures behind their backs with other kids. i got around rules however i could. 

the thing was, i think, even when i was very little, was that i knew it was arbitrary. the authority my parents wielded over me and my siblings was incomprehensible. i couldnt follow it. i just knew that they were in charge so they could do what they wanted. they were inconsistent in their punishments and rewards. sometimes they punished you for nothing and sometimes you got away with doing something actually bad. they weren’t fair. they just made it up as they went along. 

i wanted to do what i wanted to do and really i felt no attachment to their judgment on it--at least this side of me didnt. and it goes back just as far, maybe farther, than the feeling of superiority or desire for approval. i think that came more as i became afraid of punishment. 

i have very young memories of defying my parents authority. i just wanted to get away with it. and i almost always did. 

it’s funny because my entire family has always judged me for that but now i look back with some admiration. i mean i was obsessing with how to get away with things in my youngest memories, like age 3. all throughout my childhood i broke the rules to do what i wanted. 

when i was thinking earlier, what came to me was that i always acted to get approval so that i could get away with things and do what i really wanted to do. my main occupation as a child was reading. i was approved of for it. i read so much! i was such a smart little girl! and i could get away with spending all my time away from people in another world, the world of my books. i was quiet and out of the way so i was a good child. and that was one of the main sources of happiness in my childhood, reading, escaping, learning, being somewhere else. 

i waged a warfare against authority quietly. i learned to give them what they want and then do whatever i wanted when they looked away. i did it all the time. the side of me that wanted approval and the one that wanted freedom were somewhat dissociated so i didnt even fully realize i was doing it. 

i think what caused a lot of the change was falling from grace. in my own eyes, in my projected, perceived vision of God, and in the eyes of adults. it happened around age 10 and 11. i went from a very high to very low opinion of myself quickly. i think some of it was having a teacher who simply did not and would not like me, who wanted me to be smaller. she didnt like that i was disorganized and said i had terrible handwriting. she wasnt cruel but she wanted to destroy me for my own good. she constantly put me down and made me a subject of ridicule in class. 

i was also thinking more about Christian morality. the more i learned about God and heard about sin the more i felt i was a sinner. i felt bare and stripped naked, disgusting before God. 

i had humbling experience after humbling experience--internally as i reflected on my behavior and externally though rejection by peers, failure in school, and adult disapproval. it wasnt possible for me to feel approved of, perfect anymore. i could only be bad. 

i kept going further and further with this until i was reborn and rejected all of it. i stopped being Christian and rejected God’s authority. Christianity was the only worldview i had ever been allowed to imagine. once i stopped believing in it i was separate from every person around me. i could not, as a human being, have anyone’s approval. 

i wasnt the golden child at school or at home any more. i started getting in trouble in ways i never would have before because i was more defiant openly. a teacher took my kindle from me in 8th grade and i was punished for stealing it back. i had used to never talk back to my parents but i started to. i was angry. the dynamics in my family shifted and sometimes i was the scapegoat, sometimes i was the one being screamed at, punished, hit the most. me and my siblings played hot potato for it. golden child shifted around too. but i would never be the favorite again. by the time my parents went back to fawning on me, when i was a successful college student, i had no taste for it. 

starting around age 13. i had to become my own internal source of approval, authority, and being. i started to parent myself. i developed an internal parent who nurtured me and i sought out a lot of media about good and loving parents. i cried alone all the time but when i was calming down, i would stroke my own hair and talk to myself. i thought for myself and made up my mind about things. i had my own internal sense of morality that wasnt based on punishment and rewards. that made me a better person. before i had broken any rule with no guilt. i did not consider right and wrong of the action, only likelihood of punishment or reward. when i was giving myself approval, /i/ had to approve of my actions. 

idk ive just rambled a lot but i guess ive been thinking tonight about how ive reacted to environments and how ive changed myself as a person. i have these moments, shorter periods in my life, where something totally shifts in me. but that doesnt make long term effects just go away. i still worry about approval and punishment. i still punish and reward myself. these things are ground into me. inferiority/superiority too. but i saw through them and i have changed. 

[stellar-stag]

Wow it’s been a while since I did a personal update here huh

I’ve honestly transitioned a lot of my venting/personal stuff to twitter

(I promise I havent abandoned you for my furry friends)

(I kinda have)

(I totally have)

(sorry)

But I feel like the last couple months have been a whirlwind for me, so I may as well keep y’all in the loop. I’m gonna sort these by topic.

First off, I had some issues with my romantic feelings. There’s a guy, a very very good friend, who is just fantastic in so many ways. Friendly and kind and supportive, progressive and enthusiastic, and shares so many of my interests. Seems natural that I would fall for him, right?

Well I did, and it resulted in a lot of emotional duress.

He has a girlfriend, and I knew this going in, but I didn’t fight my attachment. In the process of admitting my feelings to him and working through everything, I learned a lot about myself and got some practice in controlling my emotional state and how I react to things. But I also relied on him as an emotional crutch and used him for validation, especially during some particularly low emotional points, which is unfair to him. It is only because he is immensely understanding that we remain close friends, and this could have easily resulted in disaster.

But through this process I have grown, and identified a new issue blocking me from being of completely sound mind: Low self-esteem and reliance on others for validation. During my more anxious periods, I would slip into joking self-deprecation, and somewhere along the way it stopped being so joking. But surely, now that I’m taking meds for anxiety it would stop, right? Well, no. Turns out, even if I stopped consciously having thoughts of “Wow, I’m so bad at this”, I didn’t automatically gain appreciation or acceptance of myself. This manifests in a particularly dangerous manner when guys who are attractive are nice to me. 

I end up conflating kindness with romantic intent, and decide that obviously, if someone doesn’t have romantic interest in me, I must be irreparably flawed in some way. This is bullshit, and I consciously understand that, but my subconscious doesn’t play by the rules. So I end up in a self-loathing spiral that only manifests in periods of intense romantic desire, and a month later I’m exhausted, bruised, and have run the risk of alienating those around me who care about me.

So how to fix it? I suppose I’ll need to work on drawing validation from within, so that rejection feels less of a condemnation of my character and everything I am. It won’t be simple, to be sure, but understanding the issue is the key to overcoming it. 

Here’s hoping.

Secondly: I started working out! As of today, March 24th, I have been to the gym 12 times this month (half the days, holy shit) and thats because I, last week, decided to go from 3 workouts a week to 5, solely because I wanted to. If you told me a year ago that I would, of sound mind and body and my own volition, wake up every weekday at 5:45am to go workout for an hour, and enjoy the experience, I would have called you a liar. 

But I am, and I do. I think it’s benefitting my mental health and self confidence, and I’m thankful that I’m in a place where its even an option. This is only possible due to a coalition of so many factors: A free gym in my office and a natural predilection to waking up early to remove barriers, I started taking Vyvanse in January to aid in my attention issues (not sure if I have ADD/ADHD or what, but it’s helping me remained focused in all aspects of my life and for that I am grateful). And, of course, two people who aided in the impetus for beginning and making it a habit: My dad, for giving me crippling self-worth issues my entire life and then visiting in February and criticizing my health and weight (because I was sweating after walking up a hill, which more and more I realize is not actually an indicator of my exertion! I am just a person who sweats easily, and its more a function of temperature and endocrine system than anything else) and giving me the sheer spite to begin working out, and the guy I was crushing on (who is intensely into working out, and I wanted to impress him. Yeah, I was hella thirsty. Sue me). 

Regardless of the reasoning, I found that (once I cut cardio because seriously, fuck cardio), I enjoy working out in the mornings. It’s calming to wake up by exertion and then cool down slowly at my desk before other people even wake up. It’s given rise to a ritual of sorts where I get to my desk, deal with my emails, make breakfast and tea, all before anyone shows up, so that I can really hit the ground running. And more than that, I don’t have a goal in mind. I’m doing this because I know it’s good for me and I want to be healthy, and I enjoy the exertion and following “good” tiredness. If I was trying to lose weight or trim  fat, or stuck only to cardio, I would have given up by now. But its a habit, and I love it, and I’m sleeping better, eating better, and feeling better.

Again, this is only possible because of an alignment of several factors, but I’m thankful for it, and I’m glad I got out of the mindset that “workouts must suck but people do them because they wanna lose weight”. You don’t gotta do anything you don’t want to do, and I wish I had realized that sooner. Im feeling way better about my body, even, because despite the fact that I haven’t lost weight or gotten trimmer from working out, I know I’m eating (pretty) well and working out, and that my body does everything I need it to. I can take pride in the callouses on my hands and the soreness of my body, because they’re proof of dedication, exertion, and effort, and those are way better things to feel good about than shape and size, anyways. If people think I’m unhealthy because I have fat, they can suck it.

Thirdly, I’ve begun looking for a condo to buy! Housing in the bay area is STUPID EXPENSIVE (and yes everyone knows this, and I know this, but it bears repeating). But I can put a down payment on a one bedroom in a good location, and I’m prequalified for a loan, and I just need to keep waiting and pouncing on leads. I think I’ll be happier living by myself with a kitchen to myself, and still going out to social events to prevent becoming a hermit. Plus, with this setup I can maybe bring dudes back and not have to show them the pigsty that is our living room or the shoebox that is my bedroom. I was terrified at the start of this process, but my mom and the realtor have been awesome about taking this step by step and ensuring nothing is confusing or surprising, which is sweet.

Fourthly, possibly because I’ve been taking Vyvanse but also possibly because I’ve finally begun understanding what the hell I’ve been doing, I’ve really hit my groove at work. The project I’m working on is complex but interesting, challenging but well understood, and I don’t feel alone but still get to feel a sense of ownership. It’s not the most fulfilling thing ever (I don’t know that working on payments platforms for a corporation ever will be) but I enjoy work, I don’t loathe going to work, and despite the fact that I was sick as a dog all this week, I came in everyday (after working out) to work full productive days, and I was happy at the end of each of them, more or less. Its not perfect but its head and shoulders above what most people get from their jobs, and I’m immensely fortunate to be in this position.

Fifthly, this is more a continuation of already known things, but I’m making cool friends in the furry fandom. I’ve made good friends, some who I hope I will keep as friends for the rest of my life, and I’ve already made plans to go to Reno in June and Disneyworld in November to hang out and have fun with them. As nerve wracking as being an adult is sometimes, the freedom is something I wouldn’t trade for anything. 

Sixthly, I’ve been taking a creative writing workshop in SF! It finished last weekend and I’m happy to not need to commute each week anymore, but I learned a lot about reading like a writer and choices you can make as a writer to achieve desired effects. The workshop focuses on narrators and how who is telling the story tells it, and the model they use for exercises is SO HELPFUL. We would read an excerpt of something, discuss how the narrator/choices/tense/mood all work together, and then we would write something in a similar format about whatever we wanted. Lemme tell yall, that is so much more helpful to me as a student than just prompts. Having a guide to format is like drawing from references, its helpful and and great for learning and gives you the tools to make your own things later on. I highly recommend it, and I can’t wait to get back to my book. 

Got a lot of art to make first, though. I’ve definitely improved a lot in artistic skill and confidence, and I’m loving finding niche styles that I like and mimicking them. The stained glass pic I posted yesterday is proof of that, I feel. Its drawn from Mucha and various real life stained glass windows and a bit from Kingdom Hearts, but I took these and the tools at my disposal and wove it into something that feels complete. I figured out how to apply a cloudy “glass” texture, glows, stabilization, symmetry tools, pattern design, and more all through the process, and I know theres so much room to iterate and grow, in shading and coloring and proportion. But even knowing I have room to grow, I’m proud of what I put out and I put a lot of my heart into that piece (yes, its a birthday gift for workout boy. Shut up). I think I’m going to accept commissions for pictures in this style, even. It’s great fun.

So yeah, the last couple of months have been intense. I’ve had ups and downs, but I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I think I’m in a really good place in my life right now, and I hope that every one of you achieves a similar level of peace.

[ellerevelle]

polyamory

or is it just hookup culture

both exist. i dont think what im involved in is deep enough to be considered a polyamorous relationship, because i dont think this guy likes me enough to consider me a person he’s in a relationship with. I’m in that point where I’m afraid to ask him anything for fear of scaring him away. Which isn’t healthy at all, I realize. 

We went to a BDSM dungeon party friday night. I admitted to him that thats extremely intimidating to me. New places in general, new bars, new friends houses, new places freak me out and make me feel anxiety. So this was definitely, obviously, in that vein as well. But we went in, and my confidence felt normal. I wasnt buzzing with comfort, I didnt feel myself glowing (I miss that feeling) but it wasnt scary. If anything it felt neutral. And I felt okay because he and I were together. Hooking up with him wasnt frightening or anything at all, I felt safe because I felt wanted by him. It was liberating. Then again, there wasnt a ton of competition, he even said the next day that he didnt really think anyone else there was attractive. So I wonder if things wouldve been different had there been sexier women there. 

I have no idea how to feel right now. 

He just messaged me via facebook and didnt ask, he simply said “i'm gonna spend the night with my new friend Ali tonight,”

and continued on, “ does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

And I hesitated in a major way. To be honest, my stomach dropped. Same way my stomach dropped when I was over there Friday night before we left for our event and found an open condom at the foot of his bed. I mean, I know we’re not exclusive, I’ve known that from the start. And have been down with it from the start. I had sex with someone else, too. And definitely dont hesitate flirting or carrying on with people when he’s not around. Which is why I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its a double standard, right? That I’m imposing? I want to be the apple of his eye, of everyone’s fucking eye... I want to be the only one, but yet I want to have the freedom to do what I want and not be judged or managed or shamed... 

But I like legit hate this feeling now. I hate that he’s with somebody else, that he’s excited to spend time with some new other girl. I’m trying to be confident, to know that humans are humans and we all have different things to offer and she’s not me and I’m not her, and that there are things about me that are very special and that him sleeping with her doesnt negate anything about how rad I am. 

But like, if he thinks I’m rad and likes me, why not just... ask me to hang out tonight? It makes my insecurities skyrocket. Like, am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough, funny enough? Was I not as cool as I thought I was? Am I being TOO clingy now that he and I are getting more comfortable? Am I setting myself up as the hookup BDSM group party friend? Because although I am excited about exploring that without judgement or slut shaming, my HEART NEEEEDS so much more... I’m scared. Multi level scared, like... He asked “does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?” 

I wanted to type YES YES IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL A PARTICULAR WAY AND I DONT LOVE IT. but like... fuck man, like... does that ruin everything? he wont reconsider hanging out with her if I dont like it. I feel like he’d just still hang with her and reconsider ME. 

I want to be special enough for someone to prioritize. I guess maybe him deciding to ask me IS showing me he respects me? But it kinda feels like a trick question sortof? I mean... he wasnt asking me if it was okay for him to sleep with her. that part of the message was a statement of fact. 

The question was, does it make me FEEL something. that feels like a trick question. Does he want me to feel jealous? I kindof wish he did... Like, if he felt jealous of some other guy I’m sleeping with, I’d feel flattered. And consider trying to be more monogomous to consider his feelings, tbh. 

So what if I’d said, yes that makes me feel jealous? 

And then like... what if thats bad and then my jealousy scares him off or bothers him or makes him worry that theres pressure on him now and all the other things women do to men and men do to women in relationships...!?! I know he’s afraid of expectations, he said so in a voicemail and has never brought it back up... which I find quite telling. Its clear he’s scared. Which is kindof what I considered, warp speed, before I typed my reply to him on facebook fucking messenger. 

Because, you know, conversations of the heart deserve a rich and immersive platform, LIKE FACEBOOK FUCKING MESSENGER -___-

I replied to him with two gifs. 

One was a “eehhhhh I dont knoooooowww about this....” squidgy eyed shrug sortof face. 

Then the next one was a “go for it girl” wink from The New Girl. 

Then I wrote 

“ i think polyamory is great, the experience with you has been my first foray into it and so while i have pangs of hesitation, all in all im confident in myself and fucking love our chemistry and feel a smoothness to it all“

I dont totally feel a smoothness to it all. What I really wanted to say was, “just help me feel special. as long as I feel special to you, like, you show me that I matter to you, I’m down with other women in your life. Just dont make me feel like I’m just a consolation prize or a second thought or like, a back burner sort of person.  Make me feel special, that you know I’m awesome, and I’m okay” 

But I dont know if that would have read well. 

With my ex, that didnt go well. I didnt articulate it in a manner he understood and I guess I came off sounding like a controlling diva princess. Which I still dont totally understand but, hey, we’re all biased to whats in our own heads. Our own words and opinions always make sense to US because theyre OURS, right? So yea. I didnt type all that. 

I tried to come off as cool. Hesitant, but confident. So I hope that he like... sees that and like, sees me being cool and KNOWS that I’m special. Because I imagine not everyone would reply like that? Fuck me man. FUUUCKK, see!? all this big long post... I’m not cool about this. 

Who is she? Is she hotter, funnier, cooler? better in bed? is it a psychology thing, like shes a NEW person so thats intriguing? Younger? Harder to get? I’ll never know unless we talk about it but I’m concerned talking about it I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing and lose this whole situation, then he’ll DEFINITELY sleep with other people and DEFINITELY put me on the back burner and OMG insecurities suck.

I just want somebody to see me as awesome as I feel, and say nice things and want to be around me the way I want to be around them. I want to share and make music and food with someone I love and tell them theyre great and make out and make love and be proud to hold hands at a party and have no one else because we’ve got all we need and aint nobody gon’ step to our awesomeness because we’re royalty. Like having a best friend. Like a beeeeeest friend. 

I asked him if shes coming to his New Years Day party. I’ve been looking forward to going for a few days now, but now I’m realizing I wont necessarily be the apple of his eye. I’m horrible at competing for attention, especially in a blatant way. Plus I think it puffs up men’s egos too much to like, fawn for attention. I know I just have to be myself and if he sees me and notices and comes over to give ME attention then thats great, and if not I’m still just present and being myself and thats as pure as it has to be...

But I have a knot in my stomach now. Im trying really hard to be cool while still dropping hints of like, Hey I want you to treat me like a lady and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me its all gonna be okay, so to speak. 

I dont want to need to be coddled. But I’m not that indifferent of a person. I want to KNOW how people feel about me. 

I guess it could be cool tho, to like... be sexy and sexual and know he’s into me but okay with me expressing myself with other people. That is actually pretty cool, if thats whats happening. 

But then why am I having such a hard time turning it around and being happy for him and confident for him and psyched for him to be with other people? 

I feel like, ideally, I want to be with someone super hot and sexy and JUST into me, but to have the same intentions of like... kicking ass and taking names TOGETHER. Like, having threesomes or group sex and dominating the room, having everyone love us and fawn over us, but KNOW that we’re a TEAM and that without a single down we kick ass TOGETHER and are only in love with each other. That we can be physical and enjoy other people but at the end of the day we’re the ones in charge, our love is untouchable and although other people are fun and part of the mix, that nothing can reach the pinnacle of awesome that is us. 

THAT would be tight. But I dont think he’s in that frame of mind. Nor am I sure that I’d even want that with someone I’m not in love with. And I’m not in love with him. Not yet any way. There’s so much more to learn first. SOOOOOOO much more to learn first. 

Our “relationship”? does feel more mature though. At least for me. I am (contrary to this journal entry) much more brave about saying things out loud to him. I feel like I can confess and be more truthful about my opinions and what I need. Not entirely, but definitely more than with my ex. 

uuuugh I feel sad and weird. Probably gonna clean my room and pirate some version of Spirited Away offline. 

He just sent me a last little thing, because I said “have a good time tonight, be safe plz (implying please use a condom) and I’ll see ya next year.”

To which he replied “I absolutely will. Sending love hunnybunch.”

So he’s sending love... 

Thats at least a smidge of ease off the knot in my stomach. I just wanna feel special :/ I hope she knows about ME. I want some manner of authority here. Although I dont tell other people I flirt or hook up with that I’m sleeping with him... But should I? Are we stepping into actual relationship territory? 

I feel like if I knew where he placed me in this then I’d have more solid footing. But how the fuck do I ask that without sounding like a total dweeb/ or Nazi / or chaperone / or old lady? 

FUUUCK I feel so dumb! 

How can I feel less dumb?

No one is gonna read this far. 

Goodnight.