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fanon-elio · 9 months ago

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By your side.

Part 3

Summary: You are the CEO of a big company and hired Lycaon as your personal attendant, however it seems that your wolfish butler has developed a crush on you. So while you and him were on a business trip, both of you were forced to confront your growing feelings for eachother.

Tag: Green Letter (Sfw)

Pairing: Von Lycaon x fem!reader (afab)

Disclaimer: This story is completely fictional and is not canon. You are responsible for the content you consume, so if the following warnings trigger you, you may read at your own risk.

Warnings: Fluff, Slow burn'ish, long fic, mutual pining, reader is smaller than lycaon, lycaon is down bad horrendous, friends to lovers type stuff, some flashbacks here and there, spoilers for lycaon's agent story, lycaon is a teeny tiny bit possessive.

Angst, Mentions of injury, mentions of death, social anxiety, reader lowkey having a panic attack, trauma.

Other warnings: lowkey my first fanfiction, so bare with me here. (T^T)

I added some throw-away characters to the story as plot devices, no they're not oc's and they hold no importance to the story other than providing character development.

We don't know that much about Lycaon's past yet, so take everything you may read here about his backstory with a grain of salt.

This fic contains a lot of scenarios written in Lycaons pov cuz i eat this shit up for breakfast.

Welcome back once again.

I apologize for the short delay, i have been sick these last couple of days. But I managed to get it done, even though Tumblr ate my draft and I had to start from scratch. Shaking, crying, throwing up, ripping my hair out.

Once again, I apologize for possible mistakes you may find, and constructive criticism is always appreciated.

Enjoy!

The sun was slowly setting, bathing the city in a golden hue as you and Lycaon drove through the city. You occupied yourself by looking outside the window, hoping it would ease your nerves about tonight's event. Your eyes wandered with the movement of the car as you noted that the earlier rain had definitely left its mark, the outside area's of the various restaurants and cafes remained empty and the parasol's closed. The sun gently reflected in the puddles of rainwater that still covered the streets, and you watched as life slowly but surely returned to them, smiling as you saw a couple of children jumping into the puddles as the brilliant liquid flew everywhere as it glittered in the sun.

That reminded you of something. Earlier Lycaon had called home, wanting to make sure everything was okay with everyone and the caffee while he was gone "by the way, how's it going at home?" You asked curiously, his ear flicked as you caught his attention "Corin had assured that everything was going well" he answered "everyone is doing fine, and Rina had even kept herself out of the kitchen like I had requested" Lycaon replied with a hint of amusement in his voice, even though Rina accidentally poisoning someone was one of his biggest worries. It was true that Rina was an expert at her job, however cooking had never been her strong suit, and it seemed that no matter how many cooking lessons she took it never improved. So for the time that he was away, they had hired someone to do the cooking and baking in the caffee for them.

"Corin had also asked me to once again thank you for tutoring her" you gasped as you remembered that the exam you had helped her study for was yesterday "oh! How did she do?" You asked, and he smiled, "She has written an A" he responded, and you could have sworn to have heard a tinge of pride in his voice. Even though he was a rather strict boss, he was still very understanding and supportive, you always found it endearing how Lycaon took care of Corin and Ellen as if they were his own daughters.

You knew that Lycaon's employees could be a handful sometimes. Be it Corin's clumsiness, after a cup of coffee you had once ordered accidentally landed in your lap instead of on your table. Ellen's tardiness, when you would find her asleep in the most outlandish places. Or Rina's lethal cooking, you had once experienced first hand after having been offered one of her "Chernobyl cocktails" as Ellen called them. And goddamn, you think you could never forget that excruciating stomach ache.

But you knew that they worked hard and had the spirit to do well. And, if you were fully honest, Lycaon had his own lovable peculiarities as well. Like his obsession with cleanliness, the way he attracted the attention of all the dogs in the general vicinity, or even the way he would glare daggers at a squirrel if he spotted one.

The car ride slowly came to an end as Lycaon pulled into the driveway of the building the gala would take place in, you noticed all the expensive and extravagant cars all neatly parked next to each other which made you remember yesterday's mess with Mr. Goldman, much to your dismay, you really hoped not to run into him tonight since you were already nervous enough.

If you were fully honest, high society had always been highly exhausting for you. You came from a humble backround, not having been born into wealth but rather accumilated it over the years thanks to hard work. In truth, everything overly extravagant made you feel rather uncomfortable, you never really understood the appeal of wearing expensive designer clothes, and most of them looked hideous to you anyways. So much so that you and Lycaon would always joke about it when watching fashion shows on TV.

This humbleness reflected in your living situation as well. You lived in a normal house in a normal neighborhood a few minutes away from Lumina square, so if no one knew because you had deleberately told them, they would never suspect you to have a net worth over several billion dennies.

You enjoyed the freedom this gave you, being able to walk around undisturbed without being followed around and having your day to day life broadcasted to everyone on social media. This also allowed you to form genuine bonds with people who stuck by your side for you, and not for your money. And even though your best friend Zhu yuan was rather chaotic you did love her like your own sister. You wondered if your in-person-attendance today could potentially threaten that freedom of yours.

Lycaon seemed to notice your nervousness and put a reassuring hand on your shoulder "don't worry, whatever happens tonight I will not leave your side" you smiled in reply, your heart soared at the way he touched you, gentle as if handling porcelain.

Both of you exited the car and Lycaon offered you his arm as you walked to the front entrance, the smell of rain still hanging strong in the air, and you reminisced of a time before you two had met. Well, officially at least.

Unbeknownst to him, you've actually had your eyes on him for much longer than he knows. All of it started when Zhu yuan was forced to take some time off and you tried to distract her from thinking about her job by going shopping. It had rained that day just like earlier, and you had walked down the street with your umbrella in hand. It was then when you had seen him through the window of his maid caffee. You had never actually believed in love at first sight, and always believed it to be a clichee.

Until it hit you pretty much square in the face.

And as luck would have it, your every so worried parents had hired exactly him to watch over you and your mental health, from which day oneward your feelings for the wolf thiren only seemed to grow stronger and stronger.

And since that day, he had never left your side.

You noticed the plethora of photographers and reporters standing by the main entrance, and you stiffen in response. The flashing of the cameras made you feel nauseous, as you made your way over the red carpet trying to stay as unnoticeable as possible "excuse me miss y/n!" But you had no such luck, it seems "I'm from Eridu today, and I must say it is a pleasure to see you this evening, it is not often that you give the public the opportunity to enjoy your company!" The reporter said, holding her microphone at you, and you looked at the cameraman who accompanied her. You noticed your reflection in the void of the camera's lens, and you swallowed, feeling your heart drop to your feet.

A new scent reached Lycaon's nose, one he didn't like. Fear. He had worried that this might happen, you weren't used to such media attention. Naturally, you were overwhelmed by suddenly having everyone's attention on you, with the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of other people were watching you behind their screens.

He discreetly placed his hand against your lower back, his warm palm gently signaling you that he was here, and that he had your back. He noticed you seemingly relax a little in response. Gathering all the confidence you had, you responded "O-of course, being here this evening is a matter of the heart for me" the reporter nodded, her emotions hidden behind a smile that you weren't able to pinpoint. "I see it as my duty to be present for tonight, in solidarity for the victims of the Vision cooperation" you continued, the thunderstorm of camera flashing once again flooding your senses. It was overwhelming. "That is wonderful! It's true that this scandal had shaken the community to its core" the reporter said, and you hoped a simple nod was enough of an answer for her "Master, we should get going" Lycaon responded, and you released a silent breath of relieve. You could kiss him for helping you get out of this situation, well you could always kiss him if you were being honest. With his hand still on your lower back, he gently guided you towards the main entrance.

As soon as Lycaon and you walked through the front door, you could instantly feel the stares of the other guests fall on the two of you; some in surprise, some in awe even and yet some others in confusion.

You tried to swallow the lump that was once again forming in your throat from your growing unease of being the center of attention at the champagne reception. You tried to focus on the feeling of Lycaon's hand on your back in order to distract yourself from the stares that pierced you from every angle. Lycaon himself was still worried of your growing discontent, however he was still so proud of you for having confronted your fears. He himself was used to having others attention on him all the time, be it because of his height and stature, or because of his prosthetics. But you didn't, why else did you keep yourself out of the public eye where you could. He took your hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze as a small sign of encouragement. You smiled to yourself, squeezing his hand back. With him here, you were sure you could make it through this night.

Both of you took the drink you were offered, and made your way towards the main hall, you looked around, noticing some familiar faces you've seen once or twice on TV while a lot of the other guests present were completely unfamiliar to you, but you weren't that surprised, you normally never appeared on events like these, always dismissing the invitations, and only rarely ever gave interviews. You couldn't fathom how awful it must be not being able to go outside without paparazzi waiting for you like circling vultures, and wondered how all the famous singers and actors could live like that.

You wondered if Lycaon ever had to deal with them when he was working for other clients, and silently amused yourself on the thought of your wolfish butler trying to fend off a horde of camera wielding paparazzi.

After some time of walking among the sea of attendees, and being greeted by one or two, both of you finally reached your designated table. You thanked Lycaon when he pulled your chair out for you to sit, secretly gushing over his gentlemanly gesture as you went over tonight's schedule in your head again.

For starters, the host was going to hold a speech followed by dinner and afterward a charity auction. "Is everything alright so far, master?" Lycaon asked, and you gave him a playful thumbs up "so far everything is going well, knock on wood it stays that way" you told him, and he nodded in agreement, especially after having seen Mr. Evergreen and his wife amongst the attending guests and even though there was no bad blood between him and the Evergreens, the embarrassment he felt was still quite strong, even though he wanted to ask how Lilac's art classes were coming along.

"Say Lycaon, I'm curious about something" you started, his ears perking up immediately "please master, feel free to share your curiosity with me" he said reaching for his glass to take a little sip "could it be there are other clients of yours here tonight?" you asked mirthfully "there are indeed, may I inquire why you ask?" "Oh it's just that i saw the Evergreens earlier" you told him and he nearly choked on his drink.

Your little banter is interrupted by the sound of someone clinking their glass, blanketing the room in silence. While looking for the source of the sound, you let your gaze wander across the hall, briefly stopping when you noticed a familiar face amongst the crowd. Your brows furrowed in annoyance when you recognized Mr. Goldman and his wife, who looked equally as annoyed as you, sitting just three tables away from you. You silently saluted her for somehow miraculously finding the patience to put up with his bullshit... and his face.

"I'm honored to welcome you all" your eyes shifted to the front of the hall, now finally spotting where that earlier sound came from "it fills me with joy for having you attend tonight's celebration" a woman in a wheelchair spoke, and you could have sworn that you've seen her somewhere before "I dedicate tonight's gala to those who work tirelessly to help those in times of need" she continued "for those stricken with illness and injury, and those in poverty, who need our support dearly" as those words left the woman's mouth and entered Lycaons ears, he internally scoffed at her, wondering where all this support was that they were praising themselves for? Painfully clenching his jaw as he was reminded of his own past.

Where was it when his parents died, and he had to live on the streets, or when he had to join mockingbird just to survive, stealing from those who could have lent their aid but never did, always favoring status and profits above their humanity. Even after the violent injuries inflicted on his body, the memories of which still rob him of his sleep, it was due to his own diligence that helped him regain his life and that allowed him to now sit amongst the people he secretly loathed so much.

However... it seems that amongst the rubble, some gems can still be found; he glanced at you and his gaze softened.

You weren't like them, you actually cared about the lives of others and this is exactly what you modeled your business after, exactly why he loved you so dearly. It was your gentle nature and kind heart what made him fall for you in the first place, and god has he fallen hard for you. You give those stricken with illness and injury the oppertunity to walk through life on their own feet again. You work hard to give them back a shred of normalcy, trying to get them back on track after their life had been so crudely derailed. And yet, you still kept the delicacy of the moment, never prying neither your clients, nor himself for answers. Something he greatly appreciated about you, because he was aware that this question had burned on your tongue for the last one and a half years now. But, as graceful and as kind as you are, you opted to wait for him to open up to you, and he would eventually when he himself has found the courage to lay his heart bare to you.

His tail slowly swished from side to side as he once again marveled at the sight of you just like he had done yesterday in the car. Tonight however, things seemed different somehow, tonight you shined so much brighter; instead of being illuminated by the sun's rays, you have appeared to have become the sun, burning away the shadows of his pain and insecurity.

Memories of you two filled his mind has it really already been one and a half years? Time really does fly by when you're enjoying yourself he thinks to himself and recalls one special moment in peticular, the moment he had fallen for you.

Back then he had taken quite a beating during a comission with master proxy, breaking his prosthetics in the process, and having to spend a night in the hospital due to a concussion. He still remembered the shame he felt when he had called you to inform you about his sudden absence, and the suprise when you showed up not even half an hour later to check up on him. But most of all does he vividly recall the feeling blooming in his chest when you came back the next morning, with his prosthetic in your hands. Fully repaired. He had thanked you, having felt beyond gratefull that, not only had you taken your time, money and effort to get them repaired. But also because you had spared him the feeling of dread and hopelessness when he thought about having to leave the hospital in a wheelchair.

And even though you had helped him get back on his feet, by that time he had, figuratively speaking, already been on his knees for you.

You two had already experienced so much together, having gone through thick and thin, supporting eachother where you could. And he wanted to experience so much more with you. You turn your head, once again feeling his gaze on you, but this time he doesn't turn his head away, locking eyes with you instead and relishes in the smile you grace him with.

Maybe all of his past trageries were worth it if it ment he could remain by your side.

Applause replaced the silence as the host concluded her speech, and dinner was served, though it had been rather uneventfull. However Lycaon chuckled when you celebrated its disctinct lack of caviar. He felt a sense of satisfaction while he watched you eat. He was glad that now he was sitting across from you during an official dinner, instead of some desperate cretin who would constantly make a move on you - on his favourite person.

But not all good things can last forever. It seemes that said desperate cretin had read Lycaon's mind, thinking it a good idea to apporache your table.

"It's nice to see you tonight Ms. Y/n" both you and Lycaon had to fight the groan that desperately wanted to escape you both when Mr. Goldman appeared, sucking out all the positive vibes out of the current situation with his mere pressence alone. "I hope this dinner was more to your liking?" he inquired, which confused you that he had enough self-awareness about the abysmal choice of cuisine during your not-so-fun get together, but apparently not enough that he didn't see a problem in flirting with another woman that wasn't his wife. You were terribly tempted to snitch on him to his wife but scratched that idea, opting to get tonight over with while avoiding any inconveniences.

"It was" you responded shortly, hoping that he'd understand your unwillingness to talk to him right now, but he seems to once again lack the self-awareness necessary to understand. "I just wanted to once again inquire about possible business cooperations with you, since I'm going to be an investor and shareholder soon" he cackled, and you raised an eyebrow at his weird display, Lycaon watching both of you intently. "It is nice of you to inquire, we'll see if you qualify" you said taking a sip from your glass "what do you mean if I qualify?" he asked you rather uncertain if he had understood you correctly, while mimicking air quotes "I say so simply because our last meeting left me on a rather bitter note"

and you weren't just talking about the food, that was for sure

"was it because I didn't invite him-" he once again pointed at Lycaon "-to my party?" He asked "for one, yes" you said putting your glass down "please Ms. Y/n, a pretty Lady like you couldn't possibly be that petty-" you held your hand up, politely stopping his rambling "I have made my decision, please be assured that I will respond to your offer in due time, however-" you crossed one of your legs over the other, gently perching your hands on your knee "-I must disappoint you when I say that the possibility of you becoming a Shareholder has unfortunately never stood in question, I hope you understand" you explained "regardless, I wish you a pleasant evening" you finished.

Mr. Goldman was about to object to your words when Lycaon's voice coldly interrupted him "She wishes to no longer speak with you, I must kindly ask you to leave" Lycaon glared daggers at the smaller man in front of him who didn't budge an inch at first.

It infuriated Lycaon, he wouldn't let anyone ruin this special evening for the both of you, not when everything was going so well.

"Please don't make me ask twice" Lycaon once again sternly inssisted, his gaze rigid as it bore into the individual infront of him. For a while Lycaon and Mr. Goldman just glared daggers at eachother, both not saying a single word. You on the other hand were taken aback by Lycaon's sudden shift in attitude, but nevertheless thankfull. It made butterflies erupt in your stomach and you wondered how he'd become even more attractive to you than he already was to begin. After a while, Mr. Goldman walked off with a huff, visibly upset and, you thanked Lycaon for helping you out. Internally giggling at his display of protectiveness over you.

After a while, the auction began, luring the wealthy participants with expensive artworks and antiques. Even though none of the shown items really interested you, exceptions being a few pictures you thought would look great on your wall at home, you still planned to buy some of the items to resell or donate them instead of letting them catch dust in your or someone else's attic. So around 700k lighter and happy you let the auction go by while you bemusedly observed two people battle it out over a kitschy rooster shaped lamp, while Lycaon thought that everything had come full circle after you bought the Evergreen's painting that had started the whole drama with Lilac, Master proxy and him in the first place, secretly he wondered if maybe he could persuade you to donate it as well so he wasn't forced to look at it while he cleaned.

The auction finishes and the night seems to be slowly coming to a close. Some people had already left; either because they were tired and just really wanted to escape this labyrinth of endless formality, or because they were just really curious about the contents of the goody bag the host had prepared for everyone to collect on their way out as a final little goodbye.

You on the other hand made your way towards the Woman's bathroom, having told Lycaon to wait for you at the table. He had frowned a bit, not liking the thought of you going off on your own while Mr. Goldman was still scurrying around the building like the Rat he is, but you assured him that you'd be fine.

As you walked through the bathroom door, you noticed Mrs. Goldman standing in front of the mirror, fixing her own make-up. You cringed, internally throwing your purse to the ground at mach speed as you cursed your bad luck... "oh hey! I know you!" ...but you were definitely in for a surprise.

---~---

Part 4 ->

To be continued->

Ah I'm glad this part is done, it was so much more complicated than it had to be honestly. A small part of me died when that draft suddenly vanished into thin air, it was so infuriating.

But all is well that ends well.

Speaking of ending, i think this chapter also marks the half way point. I think this fanfiction will maybe have 6 parts in total, but it depends if I feel like writing an epilogue or not.

Until then, I wish you a pleasant day/evening, and hope you'll stay tuned for the next part.

-Elio

#lycaon x reader #von lycaon #zzz von lycaon #zzz x reader #zzz x you #von lycaon x reader #fluff #angst #furry #x reader #werewolf x human #werewolf x reader

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loki-is-my-kink-awakening · 2 months ago

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Traffic Lights Tag Game

rules: talk about something creative you're working on of any kind.🚦 green: what is it about, what excited you about it, what sparked the idea? orange: slow down and share something from it: a photo, a few words, some more background info etc. red: what is the roadblock currently? what is one thing that is a necessary evil in making it?

Green

Let's talk about my Lokius undercover BDSMverse fic. It's an AU where:

Mobius is a secret virgin Dom and resistant to exploring that side of himself

Loki is a wily, bratty sub and has always worked in the TVA (I have a whole backstory about it)

They have to pretend to be in a committed D/s relationship and live on the timeline to hunt down the bad guys threatening multiversal order.

I'm excited about putting Mobius in more and more kinky scenarios and him being resistant but having to relent bit by bit, and also Loki wanting to do it all and being hurt because they think Mobius doesn't care (but really he respects them too much). Misunderstandings, my beloved.

I honestly don't know what sparked it other than, "Let's pack as much kink and angst into a fic as possible," and, "Here's how I can do that."

Orange

Mobius rubbed at his neck and got up. The sofa wasn’t made for sleeping on, but as he heard Loki descend the stairs, he gave himself a shake and started folding the blanket. He picked it and the pillow up.

"I’ll do that,” Loki said, sweeping across the floor and holding out their hand.

"No need.” He gave them a brief smile and headed to the cupboard. He needed to get changed out of last night’s clothes—unlike Loki, who looked amazing in their short black dress—but first, he needed breakfast. He walked into the kitchen and opened the bread bin.

"I can also do that.”

"It’s just toast,” Mobius mumbled. He dropped two slices into the toaster, feeling Loki’s eyes bore into him. Louder, he asked, “Do you want some?”

"I should make it myself.”

"Look, it’s fine. There’s no one here but us two. You don’t need to be my little house-wifey right now.” He paused, turning to look at their confused frown and how their fingers hooked around the ring of the collar. He swallowed, then said, “Do you want some toast or not?”

"It’s not about being alone. We need to make these things so ingrained that our story can never be questioned.”

Mobius sighed. “Can’t we just have breakfast this way once? This is hard enough as it is.”

Their face fell, making him feel even more like a shit person, but then they took a deep breath and forced the corners of their lips to curl. “Just this once.”

"Sure. With jam?”

"Please. And butter.”

Red

Same thing that always keeps me back: figuring out the plot and being easily distracted.

Tagged by: @cha-melodius

Also tagged by these lovely people for WIP Wednesday: @elodiah @kcscribbler @insomniaflarrow @distracteddream

Passing the tag for the Traffic Lights game onto these people: @elodiah @insomniaflarrow @kcscribbler @thosegayoldmen @distracteddream

@lokimobius @insert-witty-user-name-here @in-my-loki-feels @mirilyawrites @blackbirdofasgard

@ghoulehhh @mobiusismycomfortcharacter @boredintjqueen @tealdropsworld @lgwilt

@impulsemuppet @megglesthegeek @scifikimmi @devilbearingtrouuble @silentxsymphony

@eriquin @underthebluerain @mojowitchcraft

#lokius #loki #mobius #loki series #loki laufeyson #mobius m mobius #loki x mobius #lokius fanfic #wip #writer tag games #mcu loki #tva loki #my wips #ebs wip #bsdmverse undercover au

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sohnric · 1 year ago

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bad idea, right? – k. sunwoo

pairing: soundcloud rapper! sunwoo x gn! reader

genre: exes to lovers, angst, suggestive. i know this is toxic as fuck dont @ me sometimes i like to write shit like this because it's realistic...

word count: 4k

warnings: a whole lot of arguing, swearing, both of them being toxic and childish, a heated makeout session, overall just..messy. so messy.

a/n: similivinlife u inspired this. not my proudest moment but oh well 😵 the original of this draft was for the fic dancing in my backseat on @rrxnjun that i didnt end up using and revamped for this, so if u see any similarities it is because both fics are mine :P and once again, as always, thank u @csenke my sweetest beloved for beta reading 🤍

“I don’t think you can imagine the things I have to deal with about that track, like, I was literally in the town yesterday and around six people stopped me and wanted the backstory and I don’t know what, and it’s really, really annoying–”

Your voice cuts off, being replaced by a beat that makes acid taste on your tongue and hair stand up all alert, like a feral cat’s would when you try to get close to it, making you immediately turn off the song, letting a scream out into your pillow. There’s a storm of emotions inside of you as you take the phone you’ve been listening to the new song on back into your hand and pull up his number– because you blocked him everywhere else in hopes of never seeing his face again– and shoot him an angry text about the matter.

you [7:21pm]: are you kidding me???

you [7:21pm]: you are really so damn egoistical for doing this

you [7:21pm]: really don’t think about anyone else except yourself huh

you [7:21pm]: ignore my messages again like the last time and i swear to god i’ll send someone to beat your ass

Fingers quicker than your own thoughts, you hammer down the messages on the keyboard, laced with the fury that’s been shaking with you ever since you learned that he released a new track that included yet another one of your voice messages you sent to him. It was excruciating to listen to, to say the least– your dignity stripped away slowly, piece by piece with the unsettling realization that your personal matters are now out there in the open, for everyone to see and judge, for the whole world to pick apart and analyze. Which is kind of funny, considering the nature of your breakup– you’re not so sure his fans would like what they would find out about him, had they dug deep enough.

Not saying that you are innocent in this matter, of course– you just don’t think it’s really fair to not have the platform to tell your side of the story.

don’t pick up [7:24pm]: feisty one aren’t ya

don’t pick up [7:24pm]: what’s this about

Clenching your jaw as you stare at the messages popping up on your screen only a few minutes after yours get delivered– which is unusual for him, to say the least– you work your way through another angry reply.

you [7:25pm]: your song???

don’t pick up [7:25pm]: did you like it? ;)

A dry chuckle escapes your throat at the last message. Of course you didn’t like it. You weren’t really a fan of the invasion of your privacy. You didn’t like the fact that he once again used your voice without permission, letting the whole world listen to your angry words that were addressed to him and only him. What was there for you to like about the song? His cheesy lyrics? The way he acted like he was way above you, belittling you with the power he had over you with all those voice messages?

you [7:26pm]: yes i loved the invasion of my privacy a lot, thank you sunwoo

you [7:26pm]: isnt this illegal? ill look into it

don’t pick up [7:27pm]: now you’re being ridiculous.. its just a song y/n :)

Was he being serious? Just a song? What about the prying eyes staring at you whenever you walk through the campus? What about the whispering behind your back whenever you sit in the school cafeteria? The pointed fingers whenever someone recognises that it’s you– the one that dated the good-for-nothing Soundcloud rapper and then broke his poor little heart. Was it ever really just a song?

you [7:28pm]: you cant be fr rn..

don’t pick up [7:33pm]: ah…let’s just talk abt it then

don’t pick up [7:33pm]: i’ll pick u up at 8?

Staring at the messages on the screen, you let out another dry chuckle. The skin of your fingertips tingles when you swipe across the surface of your phone, opening the messaging app once again and tapping on the little bubble on the bottom, making the keyboard appear. The gears in your brain turn in swift motion as you try to sound nonchalant in your response, typing and deleting the message again, never getting the tone quite right.

Responding to your ex boyfriend’s jabs and teasing in person seems to be easier for you, contrary to popular demand– you don’t have much time to think of your answer before the time frame between your arguments would turn too awkward with the silence, so you just say the first thing that comes to your mind. It comes naturally to you, though, and while you don’t particularly enjoy the fury and adrenaline that his smug smirks and jarring words make you feel, the tension his sudden messages built up only makes you more hesitant.

You haven’t met up with Kim Sunwoo since the day you ended things, and you know damn well there’s a good reason for it.

Seeing him around campus or at parties of your mutual friends is a whole other thing than being with him in a closed space, all alone. It’s been a month since you ended things and while you are fairly certain that Sunwoo is a major jerk that is out to ruin your life, you can’t really tell if you’re actually over the major jerk that is out to ruin your life.

Seemingly letting Sunwoo know that you have the chat open, letting him watch your chat bubble pathetically appear and disappear in consistent time intervals, another quick message is shot your way, making your heart drum against your rib cage in even swifter motions. Running your hand through your hair, you sigh and drop the phone into your lap, helpless.

don’t pick up [7:40pm]: i’ll take it as yes

Sighing to yourself, you stand up from your bed and put on some presentable clothes. You don’t want to give Sunwoo any ideas, and that’s why you only change into clean sweatpants and a tank top, not putting much effort into your appearance at all. You need to send him the signal of being nonchalant– although your stance on the way he uses you in his songs is full of anger and resentment, you don’t want it to seem like you care much about the man himself at all.

Dragging yourself out of your room and putting on your shoes, you bump into your roommate Aeri passing you by with a mug of tea, her hair in a towel as she just came out of the shower. “You’re going somewhere?”

“Going out,” you grunt.

“Oh?” she hums, leaning into the doorframe, “with who?”

The question catches you off guard. Turning around on your heel, you flash her an innocent smile, brain thinking of every possible solution you could use to not tell her that you’re going out with the exact person you’ve spent the last few weeks grunting over in dismay. “No one important,” you start, when her face morphs into a distressed frown.

“Is it Sunwoo?”

“Look, I-”

“It is fucking Sunwoo! I heard you scream into your pillow just now, I should’ve known it was that prick again,” she grunts, her guess confirmed by the very obvious discomfort on your face, suddenly in a hurry when you try to get out of the house in one swift motion and save yourself from the cross-examining conversation that’s surely about to happen judging by the look in Aeri’s face.

“I gotta go-”

“What about all your ‘I don’t ever wanna see him again’ talk?” she sighs, clearly disappointed with your life choices.

“Look, it’s about the songs he’s been putting out. He’s being an ass about replying back to my messages and god knows I’m not calling him, or else he’d record it and put it in another song like the freak he is,” you squint your eyes at her, making sure your intentions are clear to your worried roommate.

“Oh, right, because he’s going out with you just to talk,” she mutters, “when all you two have done since you broke up is argue. Mhm, seems about correct,” Aeri adds, making the situation even worse than it already was, because she’s right, after all– when have the two of you held a normal conversation in the past few weeks? Seeing him tonight might just be the worst idea of your life– right after deciding to date him, of course– and you’re completely aware of the fact.

Opening your mouth to answer with a jarring comment meant to put your roommate back in her place, the words are taken off your tongue when you hear the ring of your phone, the notification on your screen flashing with his messages.

don’t pick up [8:04pm]: youre 5 mins late

don’t pick up [8:05pm]: come out

“Look, I gotta go. We’ll talk about this later,” you mumble as you take your bag off the hanger, Aeri’s disapproving eyes following you as you head towards the door.

“Right. Have fun,” she ironically sings, knowing very well what Kim Sunwoo’s intentions are for the night. Still, you fakely gag to her comment before you’re out the door and walking down the entryway.

As your figure walks out of the apartment complex, you almost don’t notice the man. You were expecting him to be waiting just behind the door, resting against the wall as he usually did back when you two were dating. The sight that meets your eye shocks you a little when you find him leaning against a 2007 Audi A4, the silver exterior of the car contrasting with the darkness of his clothes, hands folded on his chest as he watches you with an overly-confident smirk.

“Took you long enough,” he teases as you finally cut through the distance.

“Didn’t know you were so eager to see me,” you bite back, eyes scanning the vehicle. “Did you finally get a car with that new profession of yours? Or is that another one of your friend’s again?” you point towards the car, making the boy chuckle.

“Mine,” he says, “my ‘good-for-nothing career’ is taking off, as you may have noticed,” he hums, referencing all the arguments you two used to have about his dreams and ambitions, making you wince a little at the comment. You never believed in him ever making it big– you just didn’t think his dreams were ever really realistic– but judging by the way it’s been going for him, you must admit you may have been wrong with your snarky arguments before.

“Well, it’s not much, then,” you mutter instead, pretending to judge the state of his old, used-looking car.

“Gets the job done,” he shrugs as he peels himself off the door, opening the passenger side and sparing you a short glance. “Hop in?”

Sunwoo doesn’t wait for you to sit down so he can close the door after you– instead, he walks around the front of the car to the driver’s side, getting in himself– much to the gentleman he’s always been. Making sure you slam the door shut with as much force as you can, just to anger the man and his new toy, you fasten your seatbelt and watch as Sunwoo winces, but doesn’t mention it when he turns the engine on with a turn of the key and drives off the parking lot.

“Where are you taking me?” you ask, watching as the male snickers to himself. The calmness of his composure makes you oh so annoyed, making you despise every second spent together with him in the small space breathing in his cologne and listening to the songs playing through the speakers, reminding you of the playlist he’d always put on when he was given the privilege of the aux cord.

“What? Are you scared I’m gonna kill you?” Sunwoo jokes.

��Seeming that you’re batshit crazy, one can’t know what to expect from you nowadays,” you grunt, making him cheese with amusement.

“I thought I was just ‘a loser Soundcloud rapper that can’t do anything in life’,” he repeats to you a sentence you uttered out upon your breakup, the emotions getting the worst out of you after the way he’s been treating you. “Would a loser like me kill you? I don’t think so.”

“Very funny, Sunwoo,” you ironically bite back, rolling your eyes at his composure. The fact that he seemingly has the upper hand on you in the conversation makes you falter a little bit. “I just wanted to talk about the songs you’ve been putting out.”

“You wanted to tell me how much you like them? Thank you, I’m flattered–”

“No, you idiot. I wanted to talk to you about how uncomfortable they’re making me feel!” you yell out, making the male wince.

There’s a momentarily silence in the car as the male drives, the streetlamps disappearing out of sight as he drives away from the city, into more sparse areas. His voice is a little more serious when he speaks up now, the lack of teasing in his tone making shivers run down your spine. “I don’t think it’s that serious, really.”

“Really?” you chuckle. “Because I don’t find it fun when people stop me on the street and ask all about our relationship, Sunwoo. Because I don’t know if you noticed, but you never asked for my permission when you used those.”

The sound of your own voice resonates through your brain, the first voice message he ever used in one of his songs (the one that made him finally more popular, funnily enough) making you sigh out in the darkness of the car. ‘Just.. I dunno, I said sorry, I apologized, I don’t know what more you want me to do.. like, what’s going on? Literally nothing, so like.. can’t we just… move on from this and… fucking let it go?’

“One would think you’d stop sending me these after the first one,” Sunwoo utters out, voice low and almost a little amused, which makes you tip over the edge.

“And I would think you wouldn’t use audio of me being vulnerable with you in a fucking song that everyone would hear, Sunwoo!”

“Oh, did you mean that part where you called me a hypocrite for hanging out with my friends from high school without telling you? Or the part where you cursed me out after you broke up with me because I dared to text you again–”

“I was trying to pierce things back together!” you yell, making the male quiet down, resulting in taking a right turn towards a dead-end, the road approaching a forest. Not a single soul is to be found around here except the two of you, and when he turns the engine off, but stays staring ahead of him towards the trees, you continue with everything you’ve been holding inside of you– instead this time, your voice is more quiet, not having to scream over the sounds of the car anymore.

“I was apologizing. I was trying to make us work, Sunwoo. And just because you didn’t see it or didn’t have it in you to pay attention to me that night, it doesn’t give you the right to exploit me for your gain and make a fool out of me in front of everyone,” you say, watching as the male chews on the inside of his cheek.

“You are the one that broke up with me,” he says into the silence, “not the other way around.”

A moment of silence hangs over you two like a heavy jacket. You were well aware of the fact– you broke up with Sunwoo after the night he went out with all of his female friends from high school, not telling you a thing about it before you found out through an Instagram story of one of them. You knew he was being petty, you knew he was doing it just to get back at you– because you never passed out on a chance to make him feel jealous, getting back at him for all the controlling comments he would make whenever you went out to clubs with your girlfriends– but it still drove you up against the wall and made you break.

Maybe you and Sunwoo weren’t made for each other. There’s no denying that you loved each other– you just didn’t really know how to handle your relationship. You never really learned how to handle problems. How to resolve issues. Both of you were too immature for the other, and it would never work– you only came to this conclusion after many tear-filled evenings, but coming to peace with it is still yet to come.

“I don’t see how that’s relevant to this conversation,” you say, shaking your head in disbelief.

The male scoffs, turning his head towards you, meeting your eye. “Did you even listen to the songs?”

“Of course I did, how else would I know–”

“Then you must have noticed that I’m not making fun of you, or putting you on blast, or belittling you, or whatever you and your friends have said about me for the past month,” he counts on his fingers as he recites the words with an annoyed tone, big eyes bearing into yours.

“You exposed me being vulnerable.”

“I’m vulnerable in these too!” he urges out, eyebrows furrowing at you in exasperation.

“That’s your fucking choice! Don’t drag me into it!”

While you must admit that none of the lyrics Sunwoo’s ever written about you were lies, or making fun of you or throwing harsh words in your direction, you still feel as if a chunk of you has been thrown out in the open, for anyone to pick apart and poke around. You always told Sunwoo you liked his way with words, and there is no denying that his lyrics, although they were painfully honest, were quite beautiful. If you weren’t the one the songs were about, maybe you’d even like them. Maybe you could give them a listen without feeling like you want to crawl out of your skin. Maybe you could add them to your playlist without feeling ashamed that you’re still thinking about the male, picking apart your relationship like every outsider has been doing since the songs went viral, but instead, finding places where you could’ve done things differently and kept him by your side.

It was hard to listen to his words and see the reflections of your past flashing in front of your eyes like a movie. While you admit that he did the timeline of your relationship justice, you do despise the fact that his words are getting to you so much.

You don’t like hearing about the things you’ve done wrong. You don’t like listening to him apologize– although he would never do so directly. You don’t like to hear him say that he misses you, because it makes it hard for you to keep your fair distance from him.

“I don’t know what I was thinking… Can you drive me home, Sunwoo? We’re clearly not on the same page about this,” you say, averting your gaze from him towards the window.

“No.”

“Sunwoo, can you please drive me–”

“Not until we talk about this, no,” he says firmly, watching you foam over with fury.

“What else is there to talk about?”

“Us!”

“There’s no us anymore, Sunwoo! And I think it’s the time you come to terms with that and stop abusing our failed relationship for your stupid songs,” you bark, throwing daggers into his skull with your fierce eyes.

“So you get to go and post angry tweets and badmouth me in front of your friends, but when I cope in a perfectly respectful manner, it’s wrong?” he argues, scoffing and shaking his head at you.

“God, you’re unbelievable. You’re comparing two vastly different things–”

“Do you not like the songs because you feel exposed, or do you not like them because I’m saying exactly what you don’t want to hear?” he asks, eyes bearing into yours with such heaviness you feel like you could cut the tension with a knife.

“Like what? That you think I regret breaking up with you?” you scoff, shaking your head in disbelief.

“Why else would you pick a fight with me every time I call? Why pick it up at all?”

“Why do you call, then?” you challenge him, chewing on the bottom of your lip. The male leans closer to you, sparks dancing in his eyes when his voice resonates through the car like a low thunder, making the tips of your fingertips buzz and your heart beat faster.

“You know exactly why I call.”

“To make me angry and get me to scream at you?”

“If that means I get to talk to you,” he shrugs, a subtle grin overtaking his features, a churn of your stomach warning you of the dangerous area you just entered.

Eyes never breaking contact with his, relishing in the way his hungry gaze picks you apart, you attempt to conceal your true feelings with an annoyed comment. “This isn’t going anywhere,” you muse, “god, I never wanna see your face again.”

He clicks his tongue on the roof of his mouth, teasing you. “That’s what you said last time,” he says, “so what are you doing in my car then, babydoll?”

The pet name makes your stomach drop, the lightness in your head coming back to you as you furrow your brows at the male, trying hard to come up with a smart remark. Your brain turns into liquid and there’s buzzing in your ears as you try to focus on staying calm and true to your best judgment, but the moment Sunwoo’s head leans even closer to your face, his words render you both speechless and thoughtless as he mutters a sentence that’s barely louder than a whisper, yet powerful enough to pull you in.

“Stop fighting me for once, will you?”

Your lips are pushed against his with force, the kiss mirroring the essence of being starved of each other for the past month. His plush lips move against yours with the skill that only a man you’ve spent tens and hundreds of nights kissing would acquire, his hand placed on your jaw to steady you, adjusting the pace of his kisses just the way you always liked it.

A force that’s greater than yourself brings you out of your seat and into the driver’s lap, giving the male better access to your throat as you settle comfortably under your newly acquired human chair. His strong thighs flex under you when you thread your fingers through his hair, bringing him back up to connect your lips together before he breathlessly pulls away, gazing at you with a boyish grin on his face.

“Why did we even break up again?” he jokes.

You reply to him with the same lightness of your tone, shrugging. “Because you were a jealous, possessive prick and I had a short temper that always egged you on?” you say, watching as the male pretends to ponder on the information, humming to himself.

“I think I can put that past me.”

“Can you?” you joke, tracing his cheekbone with your thumb, a sly smirk playing with your lips as you lean over him and press a firm, yet short peck to his swollen lips. “Or will you make another mediocre song about it?”

“Don’t call them mediocre,” he squints at you, eyes tracing your face when your hands slip further down his face to cradle his jaw, thumbs padding his lips.

“I easily outdid you on your own song, Kim Sunwoo.”

“That’s why I add you in, actually.”

“Really?” you snicker, tone full of fake disbelief. His hands hold your sides when you lean over the man and latch yourself to his neck, dragging out kisses up and down his warm skin. “Will you make a song for each of our arguments, then?”

Teeth scraping the skin of his throat, you find the male humming under you in pleasure and satisfaction. He has you right where he wanted you– and although this is not how you imagined the night to go, you don’t find yourself disappointed with the turn of events. The previous annoyance is still there, but now is shielded by the need in you, the longing for him you can’t really battle whenever he is around.

Settling deeper against his body, you feel the male slip one hand into your hair, tugging at the roots of your hair gently to bring your face back to his, averting your attention away from the love bites you’ve been placing on his skin.

“Unless you give me another topic to write about,” he suggests, his hungry lips swallowing your reply.

You and Sunwoo were never really good for each other. Too messy, too turbulent, but too consumed with the other to ever truly let go. Seeing him tonight surely wasn’t the best of your ideas– but you’d be lying if you said you didn’t silently hope the evening would turn out this way.

You and Sunwoo were never the ones to make good decisions when it came to the other one anyway. What’s one another badly calculated step in your relationship gonna do?

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catcas22 · 1 month ago

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Thought experiment -- What if Moash had been the one to find drunk!Elhokar in WoR? (spoilers through Oathbringer)

Let me back up a bit. Tbh I've never cared for Elhokar x Moash as a ship. No hate, I just don't see it, at least not without some significant deviations from canon. Not all hate is born of repressed sexual tension. Moash never seemed to me to be obsessing over Elhokar the way he did over Kaladin. He just wanted him dead, he didn't even seem to consider him much as a person so much as a manifestation of lighteyed corruption and incompetence.

That being said...

Elhokar's story never felt like a tragedy to me so much as a cautionary tale. On Elhokar's end, the moral is "Don't assume you'll get infinite second chances. Don't put off changing for the better, because you might not get another chance." On Dalinar and Navani's end? "If you don't parent your child, society will." Society in this case being Moash.

I'm specifically calling out Dalinar here. You know how parents will sometimes let a very small child sit in their lap with their hands on the steering wheel and let them pretend like they're driving? Dalinar spends a good chunk of the first two books (and the backstory) running down pedestrians, because if he swerved it would break the illusion that Elhokar was the one driving the car. And then Elhokar would throw a tantrum. And that would be the worst thing ever. Far worse than chewing through thousands of your soldiers treating the War of Reckoning like a game instead of pushing inland and forcing an ending. Far worse than throwing the man who just saved both your sons' lives in prison for a month or so. Far worse than allowing a man who uses his political power to murder get away with a slap on the wrist. Clearly, Elhokar's feelings must take precedence over all.

The only time Dalinar effectively parents Elhokar is when he beats the shit out of him in full Shardplate and makes it clear he could kill him if he wanted to. He is fully capable of telling Elhokar to go cry about it when he wants to, for instance, marry his sister-in-law. But he can't muster up that same tough love to tell Elhokar that he can't jail Kaladin for making him look bad. And eventually it all catches up to them both when Elhokar is killed by a man who lost his family to the Roshone Affair, a scandal that Dalinar helped sweep under the rug.

I get it, Elhokar probably had no idea how to be a good king or a good man after having been raised by Gavilar. But he's more than old enough to start thinking for himself. Look at Adolin. Adolin grew up steeped in the same culture as Elhokar, and he spent his formative years with Blackthorn-era Dalinar and Alcoholic-era Dalinar as his role model. He still held plenty of Alethi prejudices well into WoR, but Adolin could observe why those prejudices didn't line up with reality and adjust his worldview accordingly. For all of the "bridgeboy" wisecracks, Adolin was the only man of rank to meaningfully protest Kaladin's imprisonment. And then a book later he's treating Skar and Drehy, his darkeyed, formly enslaved bodyguards, as friends and equals.

All of that to say...

As the ever-wise @cosmerelists put it, Elhokar needs a good shaking. The only thing that's fixing that man is someone putting him in a mason jar and shaking him vigorously. Someone needed to slap him, repeatedly, and tell him to get over himself and start doing better. It would quite literally have saved his life.

Kaladin gives it half a try in canon, but Elhokar just responds something along the lines of "You go too far, peasant," and goes back to wallowing in self-pity.

Now imagine if, rather than Kaladin finding him drunk, Moash went in to talk to him before the attempted assassination. He knows the guy's going to be dead within the hour, but he wants some closure. He wants Elhokar to know why he's about to die, because he knows for a fact that Elhokar does not remember the innocent old couple he left to die in his dungeons.

Moash: My grandparents died because of your incompetence!

Elhokar: Do you have any idea how little that narrows it down?!

There's a 50% chance this just ends with Moash throttling Elhokar before Graves ever gets a shot at him. But there's a 50% chance that Moash gets caught up in his rant (it's quite cathartic) and hits Elhokar with the harsh truths that no one else ever dared or bothered to tell him. He's going to die, so why not lay it all out?

He's a terrible king not because he can't make people respect him, but because he is not worthy of respect. Who cares what he feels entitled to, he as a duty to his people, a duty he has repeatedly failed. Moash would be willing to go in on him harder than Kaladin ever could. He wouldn't have to listen when Elhokar tells him to remember his place. He could shake Elhokar in a jar.

I'm not sure how Elhokar gets out of that room alive, but if he did, I wonder if any of it would stick? Would he hit rock bottom in a way that Kaladin and Dalinar shielded him from in canon? Would he actually start to change instead of just talking about it?

How would he feel about the only person in his life who's ever cared enough to be straight with him? (And tried to kill him, but I'm sure the Alethi consider that to be acceptable first date behavior.)

If nothing else, it would fit Brandon's agenda of making Moash suffer.

#stormlight archive #plot divergence idea #half-crack #moash #elhokar kholin #moash x elhokar #some elhokar hate #spoilers through oathbringer

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bforblitz · 1 month ago

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Malborn nation rise up!! some of my headcanons for our boy!!

(most of these are just some shit I made up with zero canon backing tbh)

General Headcanons

I am pushing SO hard for the “Malborn and Ronthil are related” agenda. I imagine they’re siblings and don’t know the other survived the fire

Physically around 25-26, absolute short king at 5’2” (157.48 cm)

Real name is Corian (I really want to see what other people headcanon his name is)

Considered to be physically very “plain” amongst Bosmer (average height, most common eye and hair color, etc.), but is considered cute by non-Bosmer

On that note, hates being called cute or cutesy nicknames. In general doesn’t like people commenting on his appearance, but he finds “cute” to be especially demeaning

Strong supporter of “all bosmer get antlers” and he’s no exception. Keeps his on the shorter side

Also a strong supporter of “bosmer have white fawn spots when they’re children that fade a when they’re older”. His are still somewhat visible, but only on his shoulders

Was a middle child with an older and a younger sister. His parents were expecting another child when they died

Favorite food is mushrooms and pheasant

Decent with a bow because everyone in Valenwood learns archery, but his hands shake a lot whenever he uses one (partially due to nerves, partially due to a lack of muscle). His aim is impeccable in other areas, though

Needless to say, has pretty bad anxiety

Likes to draw in whatever free time he has. He’s actually a pretty good artist

Fluent in Altmeris to the point he doesn’t have much of a foreign accent when speaking (more on this later)

Sneaks out information to Delphine on a monthly basis. He has a deal with the Khajiit caravans where they’ll take his messages to her in exchange for whatever he can steal from the Embassy

Has very neat and practiced handwriting

Doesn’t actually really like alcohol, it’s just part of his job

I wanted to give him a friend in the Embassy so I just made him and Brelas close. She’s like his younger sister

Very good at cooking and cleaning (he had a job at a tavern beforehand + headcanoned Bosmer gender roles)

Can’t swim

Has a very dry sense of humor

His specific job at the Embassy is a mix of cupbearer and one of Elenwen’s many personal servants. He can get all the intel Delphine wants because Elenwen dictates her letters while he writes them

Secures Delphine the party invitation due to his proximity to Elenwen (who thinks he can’t really understand Altmeris when he very much does)

“Malborn” is an uncommon but not unusual Bosmeri name

Has issues with his physical presence and body because he’s treated very poorly at the end of the day; being forced to work a job you hate for people who don’t see you as worthy of common decency tends to do that to you. basically he’s like an extreme version of a retail worker

Personally made him sex negative asexual, he just has those vibes as someone who is also that (definitely not projecting onto him and societal attitudes toward Bosmer men as an ace fem east asian whaaat)

Have a plot point where he gets an antler injury during Diplomatic Immunity. it’s still in the velvet stage, so it grows back wonky

Backstory Headcanons

From a slightly more traditional family, followed some of the Green Pact tenets when growing up. Tries to start again after leaving the Embassy

Mother is from Falinesti and owned an inn, father is from rural Valenwood. Both were closely affiliated with the Blades

Their basement served as a base of operations for the Blades, particularly Esbern and a young Delphine

Was highkey being molded into a Blades asset from a young age; both his education and physical location were tailored to make him a good informant (so yeah they did kind of plan out a lot of what happens to him)

Family was killed after the Falinesti Incident (he’s about 15), escaped with Delphine and Esbern to Arenthia, where he gets a job at a tavern

Delphine was stationed in Valenwood when the Great War breaks out, narrowly avoided getting hunted by the Thalmor. Convinced Malborn to escape with her to Cyrodiil

Got caught crossing the border (Thalmor made it illegal to leave the Dominion during wartime), Delphine escaped but he was arrested

Instead of getting killed, Elenwen “hires” him due to his proficiency in Altmeri and his background as a tavern worker in Arenthia (I don’t think he’s the type of person to willingly work for the people who killed his family and would kill him if they ever found out who he was)

Bro does NOT get paid for his work and has zero employee benefits outside of “not dying”. labor laws in Tamriel suck ass apparently

#tes #tesblr #skyrim #b says shit #malborn #I have a lot of story specific stuff #but here’s what I have #malborn fans come get y’all juice #cw: death #I think that’s it?

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lilgarbitch · 4 months ago

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Running in Circles - Eight

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x Reader

CW: Depression, FP (favorite person) thoughts, past addiction, mentions of losing a loved one (I think that’s all but please let me know if I missed anything)

Word Count: 10.3k

Author’s Note: I had most of his written and ready to go before I took a break from posting. I went back and forth for a long time, debating if I wanted to keep her backstory like this, but I want a complex MC. I want to bring awareness to topics like these and I want people to see inside the mind of those who struggle with things like this. (Also very sorry I keep changing the names of characters. Y/N’s ex is now Chris, because I hated the name Ronnie.) (Also I’m working on editing the pictures and shit for the past chapters so sorry that things look different)

Tags: @theanarchymuse95 @dontwantthemoney @chey-h @badomensgoodomens @bloody-spades @blade-dressed-in-red @xmads-omensx @alwaysfightforwhoyouare @thatchickwiththecamera @tosoundlessdarkistare @lacy1986 @follow-me-down-to-wonderland @death-ofpeace-ofmind @heyyoplayer

Part Seven

Y/N

“Guys, stop, you’re gonna break it!�� I laughed out, yelling at Cal and Damien, who were messing around with the control board in the studio.

The boys ended up coming over to Dave’s house, and after about twenty minutes of them freaking out about meeting Dave and all of Lorna Shore, followed by walking through the house in complete awe, they became quickly acquainted… a little too quickly.

The group’s personalities were a little too alike, and now I was back to babysitting multiple grown men. I had to ask Dave to follow my idiots to make sure they didn’t break anything of his, but he just laughed me off, even though I was completely serious.

Now, my boys, Dave, Will, Moke, and I were all hanging out in the studio as the rest of the guys did who knows what. I’m afraid I’m ever going to leave this room. My boys got a little too excited seeing how professional everything was, and Dave, enthusiastic at the thought of showing more people his things, told them to have fun. Which wasn’t the best idea, seeing that they were now touching absolutely anything they could get their hands on, and I could feel my blood pressure rising.

Will and I just sat back and watched as Cal, Finn, and Damien treated the room like a zoo, and Dave and Moke explained what everything did. I couldn’t have been more stressed out, knowing how they treat their own instruments, but Will did his best to keep me calm, saying that if they did do something they weren’t supposed to, Dave would let them know. And I was realizing just how little our band knew about things like this. When we produced our music, we ran shitty software on Cal’s PC after recording in a “studio” at the local music shop, thanks to Damien knowing a guy who worked there and was willing to hook us up. While we were technically under a label with our “manager” coming from them, it wasn’t a big one that helped us with any production or promotion. We did that all ourselves. And it was also now hitting me that the only reason why we were even able to join such a large tour was because Noah probably begged his band and management to set it up.

“Y/N, why don’t you check more things out? I’ve only seen you in the booth,” Moke shouted towards me in the midst of the chaos, pulling me out of my overwhelming thoughts, “Do you play any instruments? Or only vocals?”

“Oh, she plays a mean guitar,” Damien answered for me, making me shake my head.

“I do not. I’m so bad at it, which is why I only sing on stage. But I used to play the piano,” I answered. Dave walked past me to his wall of guitars.

“Well, I don’t have a piano…yet. But why don’t you show us what you can play?” He said as he grabbed a guitar off the shelf and walked it over to me. I eyed the guitar, then him, then at the rest of the guys staring at me.

“Why am I the one who’s always put on the spot?” I semi-joked as I took the guitar from him, staring at him apprehensively.

I stared down at the guitar in my hands. I didn’t want the boys knowing that I actually really enjoyed guitars, knowing how the whole vocals thing went earlier in the tour, but I couldn’t help but admire the Taylor 814ce. One that was handed to me like it wasn’t a dream to touch, let alone play.

I was never confident in my guitar playing, especially around Finn and Calum, who could pick up any song you throw at them and perfect it in a week, and how they always helped me if I needed someone to play a few chords to help me with getting a song worked out in my head, so I never really felt like I was one to admire such a beauty if I wasn’t the most informed in the group. But this was a beauty.

After a few moments of taking in the amazing condition Dave kept his instruments in, I finally turned back to the boys.

“So uh…what do I play?” I ask sheepishly. I don’t even know if I remember any of the songs I learned all those years ago, and being put on the spot really wasn’t helping me think.

“What’s that one song you always used to play in highschool? I remember when I showed you my first Fender, you started playing that one song…uhhh ‘You’re only six feet tall’ or something like that?” Finn suggested, making me chuckle.

“That’s an easy song, definitely not one I’d choose to show off my talent if I had any,” I reply with a smirk.

“Still, I haven’t heard you play or even sing that song in too long. Give it a go. Please?” I looked at him for a moment before rolling my eyes and getting the guitar in position.

It had been years since I played ‘On the Brightside’, but it’s just repeating chords, so stare down at the strings and try to wrack my brain of which chords those were.

I begin strumming what I thought might be them, but it still sounded off. My hand instantly went to the pegs, before pausing and looking up at Dave, silently asking permission to butcher the tuning of his gorgeous guitar for a single song, but he surprisingly nodded.

As I start tuning the E string, finally hearing some familiarity in an E flat, it all starts coming back to me. I eventually tune every string to a flat, and start strumming a few chords, making sure that I actually remember them correctly. Once I got the hang of it, I began.

I met a man of two feet tall

This man was quite ambitious

In a world that is so vicious to us all

I said, “Hi,” as he replied

He said, “Listen to these words that I have lived by my whole life”

”You’re only as tall as your heart will let you be

And you’re only as small as the world will make you seem

When the going gets rough and you feel like you may fall

Just look on the brightside, you’re roughly six feet tall”

I couldn’t hit Christofer Drew’s high notes, but I continue strumming and bringing this song back into my heart. Not that I normally can forget songs, but this one will forever be ingrained into my brain. I’ve lived by these words since the day I first heard this song, and it was one of the first ones I ever tried learning on guitar when I was young. It has been quite some time since I’ve played it, but now that I'm doing it again, it’s going to be a while before I forget it.

I am a man of six feet tall

Just looking for some answers

In a world that answers none of them at all

I’ll say, “Hi,’ but not reply

To the letters that you write

Because I’ve found some piece of mind

Cause I’m only as tall as my heart will let me be

And I’m only as small as the world will make me seem

And when the going gets rough and I feel like I may fall

I’ll look on the brightside, I’m roughly six feet tall

I softly hold out the last note and let the chord ring out for a few moments before pressing my hand down and stopping it, looking up at everyone. Moke, Dave and Damien clap with an impressed look on their faces, Damien’s being a little smug, as Finn and Cal give me a pleased smile, seemingly happy to hear me play again.

“Damn, dude, is there anything you can’t do?” Will asked with a laugh beside me, making me chuckle.

“It’s a seven chord song. Damien could probably learn it,” I tease, causing an offended “Hey!” from Damien. Will pats my shoulder with a smile.

“I’m serious. While you’d definitely need lessons to do anything near Adam, Andrew or Finn’s level, I’m convinced there’s nothing you can’t easily learn.”

“Oh, there’s a lot I can’t learn,” I said with an eye roll. One thing being how to stop messing shit up in my life, but I don’t say that out loud.

The boys go back to chatting together, occasionally mentioning how we should find a studio as nice as this to practice in New York, but I stay out of the conversation. I do my best to retune Dave’s guitar before sliding it back on its stand, not wanting to feel like I messed with it too much.

As I make my way back to my seat, I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I slip it out and unlock it as I sit back down.

Matty- Hey, sorry I missed your texts. The guys and I have been spending time with Noah. I don’t want to get into it too much over text, but he seems to be regretting that party. A lot.

Matty- Sucks I couldn’t have met Will and hung out with everyone, but since we’re home and have some sense of normalcy back after about a month, we were hoping that might help him out a little bit.

I stare at Matt’s texts for a few moments, trying to understand. He regrets it? I’m assuming he means sleeping with that girl, since I haven’t heard about him doing anything else stupid, but is he really regretting it that badly?

Yeah, it upset me and threw me back into a bit of a rut, but those are easily triggered when my feelings get hurt. And I already knew that trying anything with Noah would put my feelings on the line, especially going so many years thinking of him rather than getting out there and moving on from him or my ex.

I sigh and think for a moment. I don’t know if Noah found out anything about Will and me yet, but I don’t want him regretting doing something we both did. Not that I can truly justify our actions, seeing as we both made bad decisions, but it’s not like it ruined everything between us, especially since this sounds like he regrets it because he wants to work on us, not because he had a one night stand. Hopefully.

But if he regrets it, that might mean he hasn’t heard anything yet about Will and me. Will that crush him? I keep ruminating in the thoughts until I’m pulled out by a hand touching my shoulder. I glance over and see Will, looking at me a little concerned.

“Everything alright?” he asks with a quiet voice, not wanting to bring attention to me just in case. I do my best to give him a small smile and nod.

“Yeah, there’s just something I have to do,” I reply softly, patting his hand before standing up.

I make my way out into the hallway outside the studio, trying not to look upset so no one questions me, and pull up my contacts on my phone.

I type in his name and click on it, bringing it up to my ear as it starts ringing. I glance around the hallway, not really wanting anyone getting any juicy gossip from the call and spreading anything, especially since Will’s whole band doesn’t fully understand what’s happening between the two of us.

After it seemed like he wasn’t going to pick up, I finally hear Ruffilo’s voice on the other line.

“Hello?” He answers, seemingly confused on why I called.

“Hey”

“Hey..uh…Is everything good?” It sounded like he almost said my name, probably refraining if he was around Noah.

“Yeah. Well..kinda. Matt told me why he was busy today and I just… I have a few questions and you’re the one who will have the most answers.”

“Hold on,” I hear shuffling on the other line, probably him getting further from the guys so they don’t hear him talking about Noah, “Alright. What’s up?”

“I really don’t know how to ease into it, but does Noah know about Will and me?”

“I mean, pretty sure he has assumptions. No one’s been confirming or denying anything, worried it’ll upset him more,” he answers with a sigh.

“Okay. I just didn’t want it to hurt him more if the information surprised him later. Another thing. I obviously don’t exactly know why he’s regretting the party, and I’m not sure how to get this information to him, but could he know that I’m not upset?”

“You’re not?”

“I mean, I really have no right to be. We both made bad decisions in the last week. Hell, we both made bad decisions since that night in the bar, but I don’t want it hurting him. What happened between us from the beginning was a little insane, and truthfully, I don’t think there’s a right way for either of us to have dealt with it, so I want him to know that I’m not upset with the decision he made. I do think it was dumb, mainly because it seemed like it was out of self destruction, but so was mine, so it’d be pretty hypocritical.”

I hear him sigh on the other end, making me bite my lip as more stress seemed to fill me.

“Listen, I’m really sorry to be putting you in the middle of this. I would tell Matt, but I don’t exactly know Noah’s feelings about him right now. And I know, that out of any of the boys, you have his best interests in mind, so-“

”Y/N, it’s okay,” he says, cutting me off on my tangent, “I’m just thinking of the best way to bring it up. But I’ll tell him. Not only do I want to see him back to his old self, I really want you two to make up. Especially with how happy he was when he knew we’d be touring together. So don’t worry, I’ll do my job and hopefully we can finally hang out as a group again soon.”

”Thank you, Nick. I really hope him and I can clear the air soon and be able to be around each other again without any tension. I miss hanging out with you four.”

”And we miss you. Alright, I’ll go sit him down and talk to him and let you know how it goes. But I gotta get out there soon before they come looking for me.”

”Bye, Nick.” I say with a small laugh.

“Bye, Y/N” And then the line goes dead.

I let out a sigh and stare up at the ceiling, praying to whoever the hell is listening that I can fix all of this the best I can.

Noah

I walk around the corner into the kitchen, needing to get a drink, when I hear Ruffilo’s voice. I don’t hear another, so he must be on the phone. I don’t mean to eavesdrop, but as I made my way to the fridge, he was in perfect distance for my snooping ears.

“We miss you...and talk to him...Bye, Y/N” I manage to pick up, with my ears instantly catching her name at the end.

Why was he talking to Y/N in secret? Miss her? Talk to who? Me? I stood there with a confused look on my face until he came back through the hall, stopping once he saw me. He opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it, seemingly not knowing what to say.

“Was that Y/N?” I ask, trying to keep any tension out of my tone.

”Uh.. yeah.” He finally said. I stood there, staring at him, waiting for him to continue. It was obvious that I had questions, so I assumed he’d try to explain, but instead looks at me like he got caught doing something he shouldn’t.

”Okay…” I start off, “And I guess I wasn’t supposed to hear that then?”

“What? Oh. Yeah, no, she uh… she called me. She told me to tell you that she isn’t mad at you,” he spits out at the end. I look at him even more confused.

“Dude, what? Mad about what? Because if she wasn’t mad about everything happening the first week of tour, she would’ve talked to me by now…right?” I ask. He sighs and walks closer, coming and leaning on the island of the kitchen with a weird look on his face.

”She kind of spilled it on me, and I was hoping I’d have a little more time to think of a less awkward way to tell you, but that was her telling me to tell you that she isn’t mad about Halloween. I’m assuming that also means she isn’t upset about the whole fight you had either.”

His words play in my head as I take them in, trying to make sense with the situation. And then they actually set in.

“Fuck! She knew about Halloween?!” I start pacing. “No fucking wonder she went radio silent with everyone and then pops out with Will two fucking days later.”

”Oh, so you do know about her and Will?” He asks. I nod, because of fucking course I knew about them. Even with her apology-cover-video, it was obvious that her and Will were a thing now.

“Apparently she heard that you weren’t taking everything well, and since she didn’t exactly think she could just call you, she wanted me to tell you that she wasn’t upset. She specifically said about Halloween, but she also mentioned wanting to work on the tension between you two, so I’m taking that as her not upset about the argument either,” he adds.

I mirror him, leaning onto the island as I process everything. So she wasn’t upset anymore? Is it just because she already moved on and figured there's no reason for bad blood anymore?

“She’s with Will now, isn’t she?” I ask, trying to understand the situation we were in.

“I mean, yeah, Calum, Finn, and Damien headed over to hang with the whole band earlier today, so I’m pretty sure,” he answered. I just nodded.

Things were finally starting to click. She was having a lot more fun with Will, so it was obvious if she wanted to try to make things work with him instead. And she still wants to be friends, which I’m willing to work with. It’s going to suck, but that’s the headspace I was in before her and I finally talked. As long as it means she’s in my life, I can work with this.

“Okay,” I finally say.

“Okay?” Ruffilo asks.

“That’s good to hear. I don’t want her mad at me. I’ve been wanting to apologize, so I’m glad it seems like she’s finally wanting to talk to me again.” He gives me a slightly confused look before relaxing and nodding.

”Yeah. I’m not sure if we’ll see her anytime before we get to our next show, but I’m glad tour will run a little smoother now that you two can work on making up.” I do my best to give him a small smile and nod, already thinking of the next time I get to talk to her again.

Y/N

After saying goodbye to everyone, the boys and I made our way to the car they borrowed from one of the guys, Will included. Listen, making a new friend, especially one you can only hang out with for the next day and a half, means you’re going to want to spend as much time with him as possible. So the boys are going to drop the two of us off at my hotel, since I’ve been spending way too much money on a room I feel like I’ve barely used, and I’m going to use this last day as my actual day of relaxation since my plans went to shit the second the Halloween party happened.

We all pack into the minivan, the boys still riding the high of hanging out with another large band and learning so many new things from them and Dave, and we take off.

“We really need to talk more about what’s coming next with our band,” Cal randomly threw in, “With Y/N finally accepting to do heavier vocals, I really think we could transform our sound in other ways.”

”What do you mean?” I ask. He turns around in the passenger seat to face the rest of us with that look on his face. The one that tells you that he’s been thinking about something way too much and is destined to make it happen.

”What if…I start playing guitar?” He finally says. We all stare at him for a few moments, both confused and intrigued.

“Play…guitar. And then what will I do?” Asks Finn.

“You’ll also play guitar.”

”Wait! Are you saying you’re gonna learn rhythm guitar?” Will cuts in, making Cal nod excitedly.

“I can play bass and guitar, and have been missing guitar, so why not practically combine the two?”

“But do you know how hard it is to find a bassist? Especially one that’s not already in a band?” Damien says, making Cal face him.

”Well, we obviously have time, seeing as we still have a few months left of tour and will barely have time to work on new music…but we do already know another bassist.” Cal pretty much sings the last part, like he sees himself as a genius for this plan.

”What? Who?” I ask. He gives me a smirk.

“I mean, we did just meet him, and I haven’t heard him play, but the way he was talking about it makes me feel like it’s worth a shot.”

”Who- Wait! Austin?” I ask, earning another excited nod from Cal, who was practically leaning over the center console at this point.

“I know it’s crazy, but he was so cool and the second we got to talking about music and playing bass, the ideas just started forming, so I’ve been giving it a lot of thought. And then after today and talking to Moke about it, I think it’s a really good idea. At least for us to think about and maybe talk to him about once we get an idea of what we should do with our sound.”

“I mean, it wouldn’t hurt to try. Will and I have been throwing ideas around as a joke, but if you guys are down with it, I say let's get our ideas brewing.” I reply. Finn and Damien nod, seemingly running ideas through their own heads already, until Finn whips his head towards me.

“Speaking of, what the fuck is going on with you two?” He asks, holding two fingers out to point at Will and me. I stare at him, a little stunned, before turning to Will on the other side of me, who has a sheepish look on his face. I turn back to Finn and awkwardly shrug.

“I mean, a lot and nothing at the same time.” I say.

“And what the fuck does that mean?” Damien says with a laugh. I let out a sigh and lean against the back of the seat.

“So I know I haven’t really told you two what’s been happening, other than that Noah and I haven’t exactly been on good terms lately, but a lot has been happening. And then at his birthday party, I found out that he slept with someone else.” Damien whips his head around to look at me, shocked, before quickly turning back to the road.

”He what?!” He practically yells. I nod before continuing.

“I was upset at first, like really upset, and that led me to wanting to…make some bad decisions.” Cal looks at me with a sad look, already knowing how bad I can get sometimes.

“Hun, you know you can talk to us. I was wondering where you went when you disappeared from the party and then practically went MIA for a whole day.” Finn said, giving me an equally pitying look.

“It’s okay now. Matt was nice enough to drive me back to the hotel, and after rotting in bed for a night, I ended up just buying a fuck ton of new clothes and going out to the club. So no bad decisions yet, but I was planning on it. I don’t know if I was looking to get back at Noah that night, or if I just wanted to get my mind off everything, but either way…I ended up taking someone back to my hotel room…” I continue, trailing off at the end. Cal instantly cranes his neck around the back of his seat to stare at Will, who just gave him an awkward smile.

“I was indeed Mr. Rebound that night,” Will bashfully added. I nodded before continuing.

“We both agreed that it was a one time thing and that it wasn’t going to be awkward, which I’m really glad about, because the last two days have been really fun just hanging out as friends.”

”Okay, but what about the rumors online? There’s a pic of you two walking down town, and then another that Austin posted of you two being quite snugly together.” Finn asked.

”That’s the thing. With everything going on with Noah, the last thing we need is the fans shoving their noses into all of it. So Will and I figured to just let those rumors run while Noah and I work everything out. I’m hoping I can get that information to Noah soon, not wanting to deal with any more miscommunication, but we still haven’t talked since that night in the bar.”

”And how do you plan on dealing with that?” Damien asks in an almost condescending tone, making me sigh.

“I talked to Ruffilo today and told him to pass along that I wasn’t upset anymore and that I wanted to try working on everything between us, so I just have to wait for Noah to be up for it and willing to chat, I guess.” I answer, just as we pull up to my hotel.

“I really want to hound you for more info right now, but I guess I’ll wait until we’re stuck on a tour bus together,” Finn says with a sigh. He leans over and gives me a hug as Will gets out of the car.

“Love you. I’ll catch a ride to the house the morning of so we can head to the bus together, alright?” I say as I pull away from Finn and turn to Cal and Damien. They give me a smile, nod, and I make my way out of the car, meeting up with Will.

We both wave to the boys as they drive away, then make our way up to my hotel room. Once inside, I quickly move to my suitcase and grab clothes, heading for the shower.

“I’ve worn these clothes for way too long and my hair feels like I could fry bacon on it. Make yourself comfy,” I tell Will, earning a laugh, before shutting the door behind me.

After turning on the shower and waiting for it to heat up, I stare at myself in the mirror. I look both rejuvenated and like I’ve been run over by a truck. I pull my hair out of the hair tie I put it in earlier today and brush out all the knots before finally stepping into the shower. Almost instantly, I feel the muscles in my shoulders loosen. I’ve been holding onto so much emotion lately, and while the war isn’t over yet, I have hope of the sun shining again.

I spend a little too long in the shower, letting my thoughts ruminate on my plan and everything that has happened lately as I slowly clean off almost 3 days worth of sweat, dirt, and bad decisions. Finally leaving the relaxing water, I dry off, get dressed, and join Will. I see that he’s just playing on his phone, so I round the bed and fall face first onto it next to him. I feel a hand on my back as I bury my face into the mattress, letting out a deep sigh.

“You alright?” he asks, lazily rubbing his hand against my shoulder. I do my best to nod with my face smushed, before turning my head and trying again.

“I just wish I didn’t have to deal with all of this on top of dealing with my first big tour. I won’t be surprised if I start going grey before I even make it back home,” I mumble, the exhaustion evident in my voice.

“I know. And it sucks that you didn’t get to do much relaxing on your break, but you have tonight and tomorrow, and if you need me to get out of your hair, I will,” he said in a soft voice, “Also I don’t think you’ve mentioned where you’re from. I heard someone talk about the east coast, but that’s about it.”

”You’re fine. I’ll lock myself in the bathroom if you get annoying,” I softly chuckle, “ And I grew up in Louisiana, but the boys and I are currently staying in New York. Kinda between NYC and Staten Island.”

As I say that, his hands stops rubbing my shoulder, making me look up, catching a shocked look on his face.

“Dude, you live an hour away from me,” he finally says, making me cock my head, stunned.

“You’re joking.” I laugh out as I sit up to face him.

“Dude, we’re hanging out all the time when your tour ends. Bro…” He starts to sit up, getting excited, “I have so much shit to show you down by where I live. And you’re showing me shit, too. This is great. I was so worried about when we’d get to hang out again.”

I laugh at his excitement, feeling the same. We didn’t have many friends up where we lived. Yeah, we made friends with a few other local bands, but never had the time to actually get close to them outside of occasionally playing together, so knowing Will was about an hours drive was amazing to know. The two of us talk, making plans of different things we want to show each other when I’m back home, until we finally both get tired and eventually crash.

Y/N

The tour bus shakes as we drive over what I assume was a pot-hole, causing my pen to scratch as I try to write. I let out a small curse, not in the mood to be dealing with any more inconveniences.

Music blasted through my headphones as I wrote down more and more shitty lyrics. I gave up on journaling, just turning every thought I had into ideas for new music. I’ll eventually work all of this out with someone to make it actually make sense.

After a day of bumming out with Will, him needing to leave the night before we hit the road again, and then a simple yet awkward encounter with Noah and the boys, we were finally all back on our buses and continuing the tour. Nothing really happened when I stopped by the boy’s place to meet up with my band, Finn and Damien taking up most of my time making sure we had absolutely everything perfect before leaving. I exchanged a few greetings with the other group, finally speaking to Matt for the first time since the party, and Noah and I just gave each other a small smile before we were hauling our belongings and taking off.

The tension seemed to ease, but it wasn’t gone. It’s still a work in progress. The first few shows after we got back were a little awkward still, but we were able to be in the same room together and not have the tension between us fill the room. But it also didn’t help that I just haven’t been in the best mood since getting back into it.

I wish I could easily explain why the second I stepped onto the bus and we all got settled, my mood shifted again, but I’m doing the best I can to use it to my advantage and not have the other boys worry about me. I thought the break and last day of relaxation would help me, but I think it may have made things worse. I think after the days of chatting with Will, then finally meeting him, him turning into an intense healing experience, that leaving him was a little harder than I expected. I knew he became a feeling of safety while I was with him, but I wasn’t expecting to attach to him that badly.

I may have become addicted to his presence while I had it. The comfort it gave me. How easily he helped me work through everything I’ve been dealing with, and then easily distract me from it all right after. I truly hadn’t had someone in my life like him in…probably forever.

I’ve had this reaction to two people in my life so far. First was Finn, back when he was my only friend. I followed him around like a puppy and every time he was busy and couldn’t spend time with me, I just felt lost. Like my entire existence started orbiting his. When he introduced me to Damien and Cal, and I started feeling closer to them as well, the connection dispersed between them all, dwindling the dependance I had on Finn. So once I saw all of the boys equally, all as brothers instead of one being my favorite, I lost the intense obsession with our friendship and was able to actually enjoy the time with and away from them all.

The second was my ex. He even reciprocated the obsession. It was the most unhealthy thing I’ve ever experienced. I did everything to please him, and he’d never let me go. He got me hooked on things I can’t even think about, purely because I wanted him to appreciate me and he wanted us to connect more, even if it was through addiction.

I didn’t see the boys for months at one point, just spending every second by Chris’ side, either strung out, playing music, or fucking. It took so long for me to realize that I wasn’t actually happy living like that. And the realization only came after I found out he decided to ‘move on’ while on tour. He still gave me the same sweet talk every time I called, but was actually fucking every fan girl he had.

I finally managed to break through the obsession, with my boys’ help. I left and got clean. I ignored every message Chris sent. I didn’t want to live like that anymore. And life was going fine…until I got the news. He died while on tour. I was even more of a wreck for the months following that than I was when I was with him, but with enough support and distraction from my boys, I did it.

Over the course of about a year, I found healthy coping mechanisms, mainly music, and persevered. I got better. I used my emotions about it all for our music, yet did my best not to dwell on it all, and things worked out. Our band flourished. Even with the whole Noah situation, I knew how to handle obsessive thoughts and I thought I was learning how to be better.

Things were good. I was good. I was happy. To not rely on another person for my own comfort felt amazing. But now the feeling was back. And it was attached to a person I couldn’t stay close to. Will went back to New Jersey and I had to hit the road. I was doing my best not to seclude myself, but I didn’t want to keep ruining everyone’s mood all tour, so I’ve just been hiding in my bunk or the back of the bus, mainly using the excuse that I was working on songs so they’d leave me alone.

It wasn’t a romantic obsession. It barely felt platonic at this point. My brain just felt like it needed him now. I needed to know that he was there for me. That he was doing good, just so that I could be doing okay, too. But with all of these feelings came with me pushing him away. Between hoping that staying away from him would ease this feeling, and the weird pain in my chest that I’d get every time he was too busy to talk, I just began ignoring every message and call. I couldn’t feel the pain of being ignored or alone if I ignored him.

The boys have definitely noticed that something was off, but with everything happening, they most likely figured it was just the stress of everything happening, so they’ve been helping with what they could. Every time we got to a venue, they’d let me seclude myself on the bus until it was time for sound check. While the other guys did their soundcheck or did their set, they’d let me wander off, assuming I just needed more space. But I think they were getting a little concerned with the fact that I’ve been a little more distant with the crowd. I don’t mean to. I felt absolutely terrible, but my mind was a fucking mess between planning out how to get the whole Noah situation fixed and feeling like my safety blanket was left behind.

I just slowly became numb on stage. Finn had to start asking the crowd for the ‘Fan’s Choice’ song after I completely forgot about it one night. I faked a laugh and did my best to play it off, but I knew my boys were starting to see right through me, so they took that resposibility from me and started doing it for me.

After our sets, I’d do my best to thank the crowd with a smile and walk off, but the second I was off stage, I was instantly walking away from everything. I’d either hide in the bathroom or my bunk. A few shows, I’d just go for a walk if we were in a nice area and only come back when I knew we were packing up to head onto the next show. I heard one of the boys give the group another excuse every time, but I could tell that even they were starting to catch on, too. At first, I was getting a ‘hope you feel better’ text from Nick, Matt stopping by before we hit the road to give me a few extra waters and snacks, and even had Jolly ask if I wanted to join him while running to the store, assuming I just needed a break from everyone and everything. But when I got a few texts from Ruffilo, I knew at least he had caught on.

It hit me like a ton of bricks once I got the courage to read it. I haven’t replied yet, not knowing my answer, but I’ve been debating it. I know he’s a good person and an amazing friend, seeing how sane he keeps his friends, especially Noah, but I would feel terrible adding my problems onto his plate. But I also keep telling myself that he wouldn’t reach out unless he was completely serious.

Speaking of Noah, nothing has really happened. He’s acting differently, but still keeping his distance. Maybe because he can sense that I may need it, but it seems like he needs it, too. I have no way of knowing what’s going on inside his head, but I’ve been regretting that cover I did. Even though I told Ruffilo to let him know I didn’t have any hard feelings about us anymore, I definitely added more confusing feelings to everything we’ve been dealing with. I haven’t gotten a reaction or response or anything from him about it, but I know the boys showed him.

I want to reach out. So badly. But I can’t. I haven’t said more than a handful of words to my own bandmates lately, ao speaking to him is currently off the table.

Life has just been a mess. I can’t speak to anyone. I’m ignoring the one person who could help me, purely because I’m convinced it’s going to make it worse since I can’t handle these obsessive feelings again. Finn almost yelled at me for smoking yesterday, but once he saw the look in my eyes, he just pretended like he didn’t even see me. I know my boys want to reach out to help, but I feel like they know that it won’t go anywhere. They haven’t seen me like this yet, but they can pick up on how I’ve acted before and can see that there may be no pulling me out of this funk. I’m just going to have to do it myself.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about falling back into worse things, but I couldn’t do that to the boys. To the person they love and to the career we finally got moving forward. Or the other group. They chose us for a reason. I couldn’t have them thinking they made a mistake. I couldn’t have them getting any heat because they’re now associated with a band whose frontman was strung out on stage. And I couldn’t do that to Noah. He’s dealing with enough. I know that even if I become the worst version of myself, it’ll never push him away, it’ll only drown him.

So I’m going to stick to secluding myself, blasting music, occasionally smoking a much needed cigarette, and writing more songs. More than anything did I want to call Will and ask for help, never writing songs like this before. And I couldn’t show these to my boys just yet, not wanting them to see these emotions and having to deal with the absolute trainwreck on paper they were at the moment, so I was stuck trying to work it out myself.

I feel the tour bus pull off to a rest stop again, probably the 7th time today. Damien was complaining all night about his stomach after eating out with the guys last night, and you can’t exactly use the toilets on the buses, so he had to repeatedly ask the driver to stop when we could. It only bothered me because we were constantly going between the lulling rumble that I’ve finally gotten used to again, to the idling shake as we waited. And I desperately wanted to step off and stretch my legs, maybe buy a snack or something, but I really didn’t want to leave my bunk and be seen by the others.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the curtain of my bunk opening slightly, with Finn’s head peeking through to check on me. I took a headphone out and gave him a fake half smile. Seeing that I was awake and willing to give him my attention, he pulled the curtain back more and gave me a pitiful smile, before handing me a tea and candy bar.

”I figured you’d want something sweet since Damien always hides the good snacks,” he said, sounding a little timid.

I eyed the snacks in his hand for a moment, before reaching out and taking him. I gave him a small ‘thanks’ and he looked a little too excited to hear me speak to him.

I was waiting for him to leave just like every other time he not so subtly checked on me, but he just stood there, internally debating something.

“Can we please talk?” he finally asked. I looked at him, about to tell him that everything was fine and not to worry, but something in me wanted to finally give in.

“Only to you..” I spoke softly. He instantly nodded and looked around the bus, before beckoning me to follow him.

I paused my music and slid out of my bunk, finally stretching my legs a bit, before following him to the back of the bus. There was a curtain you could pull to close it off from the rest of the bus, so once we entered, he closed it so we could have a little privacy. Once we both sat down, he began speaking.

“Okay, I don’t want to push you, so only answer what you feel comfortable with, okay?” I nodded and he let out a deep sigh.

“My love. I am so unbelievably worried about you. We all are. Even the other guys. I know that you have these moments and that life is kind of a mess right now, but I just need something from you. I need to know that you’re still here. That you’re still you. Please.”

”I..I’m sorry..” was all I could get out. He gave me a sad look.

“Please don’t apologize for this. I just need you to know that you don’t have to deal with this alone. We’ve been here for you before, so I don’t know why we can’t help you now.”

”I’m just dealing with things I haven’t dealt with in a long time. Things I never really mentioned to anyone before. So it’s weird talking about them now.” He reached his hand out and held mine, rubbing his thumb over the back to try and soothe me.

“You know we’d never judge you. Yes, we tease you, but never about your problems. And you have new people in your life now who love you almost as much as we do, and you’re not talking to them either. Will has been blowing up my phone, asking for any updates I can give, because he’s terrified, thinking of all the reasons why you’re not talking to him.”

My head dropped at the mention of his name. Fuck, I am hurting him. He doesn’t deserve this.

“I…I can’t”

”Can’t what?” He asked.

“Talk to him…” He gave me a confused look.

”You looked so happy spending time with him. You were so upset knowing you couldn’t see him until we get back home. What could have possibly happened in that time?”

I just sat there, staring at my hands, debating if I share one of the most embarrassing things about myself. I could barely look him in the eye when I had to ask for help when dealing with Chris. It took me forever to tell him everything about Noah. Can I tell him this?

I felt droplets falling onto my hand, making me realize I was now crying. I tried to reach up and wipe my tears, but Finn beat me to it. I finally took this moment to look him in the eyes for what felt like the first time in forever, and my heart broke at the pain in them, caused by me acting like this. With a deep breath, I began to tell him everything.

I told him about how safe Will made me feel. How terrifying it was getting to be away from him. I told him about how this happened in the past. But this time, it was feeling so much harder to deal with. Pushing myself away from him before it hurt me more. I told him about the cravings. Apologized for smoking. How I wish none of this ever happened, because I couldn’t handle dealing with all the emotions. I even finally told him about the cover I sent to Noah, and how I haven’t heard a single thing from him since. Everything that has been running through my mind the past few days just spewed from my lips, each sentence hitting Finn like a truck full of pain.

He did his best to comfort me, but because most of it was problems he never had to work with before, we were both left feeling lost. So now I was silently sobbing into his chest as he held me, telling me that it was okay and that we can work this out.

After about ten minutes, my sobs dying down, I finally spoke again.

“And to top it all off, the 17th is coming up..” I said with a sniffle. The 17th was the day Chris passed. It was always hard for me, but I’ve been able to handle it the best I could in the past, but with everything happening this year, I don’t know how hard it will hit me.

”Oh, Hun..” he said, frowning, “We can get through this like we always do. It’s a completely different problem for you to deal with, so if we just seperate that from everything else, I promise we can work through this.”

I nodded and gave him another hug. I was definitely feeling better now that I finally let tears fall and let my thoughts out on more than just paper.

After collecting myself a little more, we stood and made our way towards the front of the bus. The boys looked shocked to see me. I know I probably looked like a mess, as I’ve only been putting effort into my appearance when I go on stage, but they were definitely more shocked to see me coming to them for the first time in over a week.

I walked to Damien first and gave him a big hug. He tensed in confusion for a second, but quickly relaxed and squeezed me tight. I giggled softly until he finally let me go, then did the same with Cal, who welcomed me with open arms and a proud smile. He held me close and dug his face into my shoulder, like he truly missed me. Then more arms joined us. I was now the center of a group hug and couldn’t help but laugh as they squeezed me half to death.

“I’m so glad to see you doing better,” Damien said, and I heard his voice waver slightly. I felt terrible doing this to them.

“I’m sorry for acting like this, I really should be coming to you when I need help, it’s just hard. But you’re the best family I could’ve asked for and I really need to take advantage of it,” I said as they start pulling away.

”Anything you need, we’re here for you. Always,” Cal stated.

“Now that you say that, I might have something I could use your help with,” I mumbled.

I took a deep breath. I had to do this. It was an outrageous step, but it was what I needed to do if I wanted to start working on myself. I stepped forward towards the mic and looked over the hundred of cheering faces in front of me. I took out my ear piece, wanting to feel closer to them as I began speaking.

“So, I know that there’s been some speculation lately. On how shit I’ve looked the past few shows,” I let out a little laugh, “And mainly my interaction with all of you. And I’m very sorry. I know excuses are a terrible apology, but I feel like I should explain just a little.”

The crowd died down, letting me give my speech.

“I know all of you understand what it’s like to have a bad day. Nothing goes right, you don’t want to talk to people, and you just want to lose your mind a little but. Sadly, that’s been a little too common for me lately. Life has been crazy, everything seems to be going wrong, and all I want to do is lay in bed. But you all push me to persevere.”

I pause to collect myself, knowing this will be a little rough for me.

“Now, I’m going to be very vulnerable here. When I look out and see all of you, I see a safe space, so please be nice to me,” I laugh again before taking a deep breath, “I used to deal with a lot. Life became too much and I chose not so great people to be around. With that, came falling down the pit that is…addiction…Now, I’ve been clean for coming on six years-“ The crowd cheered as I said that, causing my lip to quiver and I could feel emotion building in my throat, but I held my composure, “But that doesn’t mean I don’t still have those bad days. I struggle with a plethora of mental health issues, and sometimes I want to fall back into the false safety of those old days. But I don’t. Because of the boys behind me,” I pause and hold out my arms, motioning to my bandmates, “Some amazing people that have come into my life recently,” I glance over to the side stage, catching a shocked Ruffilo and Noah, Jolly and Nick creeping in behind them to hear what I have to say, then out towards Front of House where Matt sat, before finally looking back at the crowd, “And most importantly, all of you.”

I pause to wipe a tear that fell down my cheek as the crowd cheered once more.

“So, today, I am sadly once again revoking the privilege of the ‘Fan’s Choice’ song. I know. I’d hate me, too, but the reason I’m doing this is because I’ve learned that the best way to convey a message is through music. I have so much I have to say, and I am unbelievably bad at speeches, so I’m using one of my favorite songs to speak to you all.”

I pause to wipe a tear that fell down my cheek as the crowd cheered once more.

“This is wildly out of our genre. While that has never been a problem to any of you before, I still feel as if I should still warn you. Now, without further ado, here’s a song that has helped me more than I could ever explain.”

An array of applause flows through the building as the boys got ready to play. I was thankful they were so incredibly talented that they were willing to play a song that they had just learned earlier today. I take a look back at them, and once they all gave me a thumbs up, I began.

I started using again

Left my heart in Rocky Hill

Hole burning in my head

Needed a distraction from my head

Devil on my shoulder said try this instead

So I started using again

A saw a few fans singing along, both warming and breaking my heart. To know this song meant to know struggle. But to share that with them meant so much.

I started sleeping again

Traded late nights and sheep for Vicodin

The guilt burning in my chest set it

I started sleeping again

I took the mic off the stand, getting ready for the next part, wanting to finally feel emotion in the music I perform again.

I stopped wishing I was dead

Learned to love myself

Before anyone else

Become more than just a burden

I know I’m more than worthy of your time

I drop the mic to my side as Damien went crazy on the drums and Finn played a riff that he managed to execute perfectly, before singing again.

I started smoking again

Guess I missed coughing my lungs up

Every morning

Needing anything to keep me breathing

To prevent my blood from bleeding

I started smoking again

They all stopped playing, besides Finn picking the soft tune on his guitar.

I started loving again

Thought when I lost that will to live

I could never feel again

I’ll give it one more shot

And let someone in

I started loving again

Cam started playing again, getting louder by the second.

I started loving again

I took a deep breath, putting the mic back on the stand, but then grabbed the stand to stabilize myself.

I stopped wishing I was dead

Learned to love myself

Before anyone else

Become more than just a burden

I know I’m more than worthy of your time

I’m more than worthy of your time

I stepped away as the music died out. It took a few seconds, but soon the cheers came rumbling through the building, causing a smile to form on my face. I hated being vulnerable, but it was time. I’ll never fully heal that part of me, but being able to do this in front of so many supportive fans was a huge step for me.

After giving the crowd a long and appreciative goodbye and doing my best to hype them up for Bad Omens, even after the emotional show we had, the boys and I made our way off stage. I desperately wanted to run back to the bus and hide like I had been doing all week, but I pushed those thoughts away and walked towards backstage. This would be the first time I was going to really talk to the other band since the halloween party, other times just giving passing words, barely giving them a glance.

With a deep breath, I stepped into the room and all of their eyes shot up to see me. I wanted to cower away, hide from the confrontation. It was bad enough that I just said all of that to thousands of fans, now I had to deal with these four, and it was going to be so much harder.

None of us seemed to know how to react. I noticed that all of them had slightly puffy, red eyes, Noah’s being visibly redder than the rest, but I didn’t want to think about that too much to keep my own at bay.

“So uh… I guess this is where I apologize for how I’ve been acting...” I awkwardly trail out, shifting between my feet as they all just stared at me.

“What? No! You don’t have to apologize!” Ruffilo rushed out as he stood to walk towards me, “I’m just glad you’re okay. We’ve been so worried about you. And oh my god, did that take some balls out there.”

A smile creeped onto my lips as he talked. It did feel really good to take that step and get some of this off my chest. The rest of the guys stood and walked towards me, Noah trailing behind, keeping his distance.

“Y/N, you are one strong motherfucker. Never apologize for that. We all understand that life gets bad sometimes and you just need a break, but I want you to know that we would never judge you for that.” Nick said.

I couldn’t stop the tears before they came pouring down my face, despite not wanting to spill any more. All I could do was raise my arms, and they came in to give me a hug. I did my best to keep my tears from getting on Ruffilo’s shirt, but I feel like the fans would understand if they did see a wet spot.

I opened my eyes during the hug and saw a pair of skinny long legs standing awkwardly behind the others. With a small laugh mixed with a choked sob, I beckoned with the hand closest to him.

“Noah, get your ass in here.” His breath audibly hitched as I said his name, but he slowly made his way in and joined us. Then the three boys behind me did as well. And now I was trapped between seven men with no way out, slowly losing oxygen.

“Okay. Okay. I need to breathe.” I finally exclaimed after a few moments, making a few of them laugh.

They all pulled away and a few of them even wiped their eyes as they did.

“I love you all. I really do. I know I haven’t put much effort in getting close to some of you, but that doesn’t change the fact that you all mean so much to me,” I spoke, looking at all of them, “But that being said, wipe your tears and get out there.”

They chuckled and went back to getting ready to head on stage. Noah lingered a little longer than the rest, like he wanted to say something, but decided against it and joined the rest of them.

“You gonna stay and watch our set this time?” Jolly called out as he walked towards side stage. I give him a small smile.

”I have to call someone first, but I’ll be there.”

#noah sebastian #noah sebastian fanfiction #noah sebastian x reader #noah sebastian fic #noah sebastian and reader #noah sebastian smut #noah sebastian reader insert #bad omens #bad omens fanfiction #running in circles #Spotify

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cocogum · 1 year ago

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The Great Wave - Chapter 7 Review

‼️SPOILERS FOR THE CHAPTER‼️

Warning(s): unhinged behavior, fat shaming, unnecessary use of foul language, osamodas slander

This chapter made the stupid decision to edge me.

We come back to Yugo having an episode from the poison he just drank and he is going through it hard.

My guy is coughing up blood, eyes are turning red, body is shaking like a mad man, screaming in agony, and his wakfu antlers are even going crazy…

To top it all off, he’s now having a series of igniting explosions because of the dofus residing in him. Like you can’t make this shit up, my guy is literally creating explosions from the inside out. Look at the damages.

(damn, amalia is carrying this whole banquet. look at her saving these ppl what a queen ✨)

Which clown decided it was a good idea to poison a demigod in charge of six dofus and expect nothing abnormal or deadly to happen?????

Oh yeah, the blue-skinned cows.

I don’t care what anyone says. The osamodas family was in charge of the poison attempt, I don’t care if it was that Sadida woman’s idea since it’s obvious she’d know more about poisoning. The osamodas are at fault, the osamodas king told Aurora that they should wait and let them enjoy this last happy occasion. He also told Aurora that they knew about the marriage but weren’t invited?? Come on, they’re clearly at fault here!! They’re the ones who told the Sadida servant to do something about it and she improvised! But what these two bozos didn’t know, was how it would backfire on them. This is stupid to think about because they KNEW Yugo wasn’t a normal person. Poisoning Yugo is like trying to poison a deadly cobra. Or in this case, A FUCKING DEMIGOD. Either way, you’re gonna get jumped.

Like, OF COURSE Yugo’s gonna have a freakout and fuck shit up when his body had been messed with a deadly substance.

OF COURSE, he’s gonna hurt a lot of people around him if he’s around anyone.

OF COURSE, he won’t fucking die cuz of his divinity status.

OF COURSE, he’ll start ruining the kingdom these two fucking dumbasses want for no reason.

You can’t make this shit up.

These two are so bad at being villains, they don’t even know what the fuck they’re doing to people they don’t bother knowing more about. They don’t even know who their target is.

After understanding what kind of poison Yugo drank, which was the belladone, we now know why Amalia knew what was in the cup. She probably recognized the smell of it.

Amalia: “Adamaï…The belladone is the worst of poisons…”

According to how she describes it, this poison is so deadly that it kills the person or animal who drinks it in under ten seconds. The victim first drinks it and then foams at the mouth before collapsing and dying.

We’ve seen the same thing happen in another era of the World of Twelve and that was back in the Cire Momore backstory which was an event around the Dofus era.

The daughter of a queen tried poisoning her for all the suffering she’s endured and had the help of a painter to do it.

Gustave (painter): “I found the berries at the exact place you indicated.”

Princess: “Perfect. Do not forget to carefully wash your hands. The belladone is highly toxic.”

Based on this passage alone, we’ve learned that the belladone are purple berries that are so toxic, that they can even damage you if you don’t properly wash your hands after you pick them.

After that, during the banquet, the princess secretly poured the poison into her mother’s wine. But just before she could drink it, her dog suddenly jumped at her, causing her to drop the wine, which made the pet drink it from the ground instead.

The results were exactly what you expected to happen.

Once the dog drank it, he foamed at the mouth and collapsed, immediately dying from the drink.

So when we compare this instance to what happened to Yugo, we can see a huge difference.

Unlike what happened to the dog (or any mortal), Yugo is still standing but is terribly shaking, coughing blood, and having an episode. His body is trying to get the poison out of his system by coughing but his body is still alive.

The only thing Yugo can say while in this situation is “It hurts”. My guy is in severe pain but he’s still breathing, I don’t think anyone in the history of the krosmoz has ever taken the poison like this, let alone a divinity of all people.

Yugo: “Sor…ry. The…pain.”

Bro even has the time to say sorry while kneeling on the ground and holding his stomach. He’s literally at death’s door, grasping for life, his body trying and struggling to reject the poison, and he still finds the time to apologize for something that wasn’t even his fault.

What a chad.

Amalia: “Yugo…He should already be…”

Adamaï: “My brother isn’t like everyone! He possesses the six primordial eliatrope dofus, if he manages to take hold of himself, then he can take it…”

Even Amalia is shocked that Yugo is still breathing. But Adamaï over here is telling her that he WILL survive this if he can perfectly control it with the eliatrope dofus.

And we all know how that ended up for him the last time he used them…

So Adamaï flies in and takes Yugo away from the banquet before he actually hurts somebody.

Adamaï: “Yugo, you have to focus. Or else you’ll destroy your kingdom or end up killing someone!”

But bro is not listening cuz the second Adamaï pulls him up, dude just overcharged himself before exploding AGAIN.

JUST LOOK AT THE DAMAGE!! THAT LITERALLY LOOKS LIKE A CRATER!! You can even see how perfect the circle looks from this shot.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you’ve all been waiting for.

AMALIA FUCKING GROWING SOME BALLS AND JUMPING ON THE OSAMODAS.

Nah cuz this scene was what we needed! THIS was the moment we wanted to see ever since that blue-skinned woman started breathing in front of our screens!!

As soon as Yugo caused another explosion, this was it for the stupid clown ‘royal’ family. They signed their death sentences and Amalia is fed up with their bullshit.

Cuz trying to make her marry one of their relatives, being disrespected by them while her brother did nothing, getting told to leave her home and kingdom, being told that she should be replaced, sure she could manage all that.

She can take it. But seeing her husband being poisoned like that on the same day that a wedding was supposed to happen AND having the osamodas randomly being there to witness it, was the last straw before she finally fucking snaps.

She had just lost her whole family in a short period, she wasn’t going to lose her husband to some clowns.

(Also what the fuck were they thinking of poisoning her husband when she had already lost so much?? Did they really think this whole thing wasn’t going to backfire on them??? What a bunch of amateurs.)

And look at them just standing there looking 😮😱😱😱😧😮 LIKE OF COURSE SHE WAS GONNA KILL Y’ALL, YOU BOTH LOOK LIKE THE ODD ONES OUT HERE ‼️‼️

They even looked caught off guard when they saw Yugo causing explosions.

You got Aurora over here with her dumb ugly bat pet looking all shocked, covering her mouth as if she was surprised to find out her dad’s shenanigans wouldn’t work. And then you got animal king over here realizing he fucked up.

And right when they get confronted for their repetitive bullshit, they see literal death looking back at them with the most bloodthirsty eyes they had ever seen before.

Amalia’s so pretty in this shot ready to rip them apart 🥰🥰

Like yes queen, cut them to pieces, we’re about to have a barbecue 🤤🤤

As soon as they get caught red-handed, that’s when they suddenly turn soft and act like victims.

Fatty: “Stay back my daughter, this girl has lost her mind.”

“StAy bAcK mY DAUghTEr, ThIs gIrL hAs-“

Shut yo dumbass up little boy you knew something like this would’ve happened stop playing with me.

He’s over here acting like a random passerby when a second ago he told Aurora that they should wait a little more for something to happen.

So when he gets cornered by the very same girl who he had disrespected and ignored in Season 4 and wanted to be replaced so his useless trophy daughter can take the throne, now she’s suddenly “lost her mind”???

Fuck you.

Amalia: “YOU MONSTERS! I WAS READY TO CONFIDE YOU MY KINGDOM!”

Fatty: “I don’t know what you’re imagining, girl, but…”

That useless fat fuck KEEPS PLAYING THE CARD VICTIM EVEN WHEN SHE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BLAME HIM.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM?!!?

She has EVERY RIGHT and he’s over here HEARING HER say that she was ready to give him the kingdom but this fatso is too high up his own ass to hear her cuz he’s still delusional and telling her he didn’t do shit. Even when she was this close to giving it to him, this guy was not budging from the victim card.

If I could spit at anyone in my life, it’d be him. What a sad excuse of a man. I bet my own kidney Chibi can take him in a fight.

This is literally my favourite panel of this WHOLE volume so far.

Amalia: “You poisoned my husband.”

I love it so much ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

LIKE YES FUCKING KILL THEM RIP THEM APART THEY’RE JUST STANDING THERE LIKE PROCESSED MEAT READY TO BE CUT‼️‼️‼️‼️

DO IT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

I just love how the more Amalia becomes enraged, the more her speech bubbles tremble and shake, implying that she’s slowly but surely becoming more unhinged and losing it.

Fatty: “Crazy girl…”

Takes one to know one, bitch.

This chapter genuinely edged me, I WANNA SEE SOME BLOOD ALREADY‼️‼️

YOU’RE CO CLOSE JUST KILL THEM‼️‼️‼️‼️

DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DOT IT DO IT DO IT-

I PRAY that these poor excuses of antagonists DO NOT appear in volume 2. The chapter cover of the tenth chapter only features the Sadida servant who poisoned Yugo and she looks completely calm, almost like Yugo’s explosions and Amalia and Aurora’s fight have calmed down.

SO PLEASE TOT PLEASE DON’T PUT THEM ANYWHERE ELSE ANYMORE.

Seasons 3, and 4, and the great wave’s first volume are already enough. So cut it out. Let me have a day where I don’t get a migraine just thinking about what kind of dumbassery these fake osamodas will do in the next chapter.

#wakfu #ankama #krosmoz #wakfu manga #wakfu webtoon #the great wave #wakfu the great wave manga #wakfu the great wave #the great wave chapter 7 #wakfu the great wave chapter 7 #wakfu the great wave chapter 7 manga #the great wave manga #wakfu reviews #wakfu review #the great wave review #wakfu the great wave review #wakfu the great wave manga review #aurora slander #osamodas slander

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astracora · 4 months ago

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EVER's Tool - Chapter 4

Characters: Poly!LADs x gn!mc, Caleb x gn!mc (Zayne POV/MC POV/Caleb POV)

Warnings: Hurt/No Comfort, Angst, Talk of EVER Experiments and Torture, Violence, Gore, Suicide Ideation, Spoilers for all current story as of Caleb release.

Word Count: 10112

Written: 14th February 2025

Notes: Established-relationship with gn!MC with all LADs, with my personal pov of the game and lil headcanons littered in. Unnamed MC, but using my personal MC's basic appearance and adjusted backstory. I take some liberties with what the game offers me. My notes today are that I fought for my life with this one (dramatic), because I cannot multitask for shit, and I am grinding tkrb instead of writing. Oopsies. Happy Valentines Day all, I hope you have/had a good day. ❤️ Take some nasty angst as a present. I'm going to sleep (aka grind more tkrb and fall asleep until my phone hits me in the face when I drop it).

Now Playing: The Dark of You, By Breaking Benjamin

Masterlist AO3

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Zayne is a doctor, he understands the concept of amnesia. He has experience with dementia patients, those who have been in accidents. He knows that some never get their memories back, he knows that pushing and rushing can create emotional strain, stress and anxiety. That asking questions the patient has no answers for, can hurt them.

He knows, objectively, that he should not bombard you with information. That he could make it worse, even worse he could aggravate your heart, and cause a relapse. He could hurt you, rather than help you, by trying to bring you back to yourself. If he rushes… if he loses the logical part of his brain… if he isn't careful.

He does not sleep when he is given a cot by the scientist you sneered at. He sits and he thinks and he stews. Working through the situation in his mind, he takes the tracker Sylus gave him off, and sticks it somewhere out of sight. Just in case. He doubts EVER are stupid enough to not have signal blockers in place, but he also knows that if it is cut off at some point, that will give his family something to work with.

If they know he has it though, there's a chance they'll move him. Or worse. He has a chance, right now, and he needs to be careful. He has to be smart.

It's difficult, though, when he saw you, when you raised a hand to him, to Sylus. When you fought and you hurt. He fights with himself, reminds himself that he is a doctor. That he can help you, like he would with your heart, like he would with any other injury. He can help you with this.

Even if his heart and mind are screaming at odds.

He's always been fairly good at listening to his mind… he just hopes it doesn't betray his heart.

Regardless of his sense of logic, he cannot simply sleep. There's a feeling over his shoulder that he's waiting to be watched, like if he sleeps someone will snatch him up. It's a paranoid sense of disturbance, that he cannot shake. Unable to relax in any real way. Unable to even feel tired, let alone finally sleep. So he sits, and he thinks.

For hours. He ignores the scientist, Leon. He calls out, asks to talk, and Zayne ignores him. There's nothing to say. He has been through this process, Carter asks, he rejects. They continue the cycle.

He wonders how long EVER will ask, now that he is here. How much patience they can possibly have.

If the anxieties of his family were anything to go on, when they were hunting, pulling in favours, chasing through the underworlds, he doubts it's plentiful. He cannot imagine anyone willing to experiment past the edges of morality, will hesitate too long on the cliff of conscience.

It is when he hears your voice through the feeble door, that he finally raises himself up. Takes the clothes he has been given, there is little else in this room, it's a broom closet, more than a room. He cannot clean up, cannot go through routines that give him some semblance of comfort. So he decides to simply face it, he has to.

"Where is your guest?"

Zayne looks at you, really looks. He had seen you in that cafe, had noticed the claw at your side in a flash out of the side of his vision. It is something else to see it in the lab's bright lights. As you growl at Leon, he sees fangs peeking out under your lips. Inhuman and out of place, though he remembers seeing something similar when you had been cursed by cats.

These are tinged red, from biting into your lip, and you twitch and clench your claw to a fist. He recognises the motion, normally you would seek out a hand, or someone's clothes to hold onto. To ground yourself. Later, twirling a dagger when on a mission, after Sylus taught you how.

His own hand reaches out on impulse as he approaches, to take yours. To ground you. To ground himself. It is a reflex that he has to pull back, reign in and remind. You will not take kindly to a stranger touching you. The feeling is like a shard of ice through his chest, that he is a stranger.

A target.

The kind of realisation that shatters at hope.

He thinks of moments when Rafayel had drunk too much, on days you were out on missions. The Lemurian had bemoaned the tides, the pains of being forgotten, the agony in his chest for things he didn't fully explain. Like he was offering Zayne parts of a puzzle, but holding back the box. He had only gleaned some sense out of the heartbroken Lemurian, placing a head in his lap, and running fingers through hair and over skin, wiping cried pearls away.

That memory was a fragile thing, that he already knew, saw shades of it when you reconnected, when you looked at him and didn't hate him for the way he had hurt you in your youth. Barely recognised stories he shared, only realising later when the recognition took longer to shine in your eyes. That the albums he had seen Caleb tend to with you, were for a purpose. To protect your memory, to strengthen the foundations.

That, despite the pain, he saw the same thing in Rafayel's heart that he saw in Caleb's in his childhood. A sheer determination, that no matter how many things were forgotten, that there would be more memories. Endless as the sky.

It kept the small jasmine of hope protected against the cold.

He still sees you, in the way you talk. There is none of what Xavier and Sylus recollected from their first run-in with you. None of the cold chill to your eyes like the previous day. He recognises this you, though you're short and you're angry. There's a familiarity to the casual tone, to the way you interact. Underneath the new scars he can see, the unfamiliar attachment, and the gold flickering around the edges of your eyes, you are there.

If he can only draw you out.

It should be a relief that you are forced to spend time with him, though the idea of you spending time with him under duress makes him feel sickened, instead he realises it is a threat. That like Carter has teased, multiple times, he would do anything for you. That all he has done in his pursuit of studying the heart, has been to save you.

Can he really keep that moral code, that the you now teases him for, when there is a chain around his love, keeping them at EVER's feet? It is a question that he truly hopes he never finds an answer to. He just needs time.

There are so many questions Zayne wants to ask you, so many things he needs to learn, to understand. Like there's a door he can push open if he gets the right key, and things will settle into place. It's a naive little thing, like every promise he makes against his logical judgement for an eternity.

Instead, his eyes are drawn to your bared arm, the lightning scars visible from yesterday, and he falls into familiarity, "Are you alright?"

He tries to offer the same smile he's offered to his patients, despite how he worries that it might tremble when you flinch away from him. Looking at him like he has lost his mind, irritated by his questioning.

So he tries again, tells you that it's natural for a doctor to worry. It's not a lie. Any real doctor would be concerned for others, their lives, especially if they were injured in front of them. There's a deeper, consistent reasoning. He loves you, your life means more to him than his own ever could. You're hurt, and even if he hadn't been your doctor for so long, not being able to help you, cut more than he expected.

Wrestling with the feeling, of wanting to reach out, to hold your hand, soothe aches and pains. Check your health, make sure you're alright. To be the one to heal you. Instead, he simply watches, the pout on your face as you respond to him in irritation. The way your gaze wavers when you look away. It's akin to embarrassment, a look he's seen on you when he teases, and you aren't sure how to respond.

You're out of your depth. It's endearing, even when you bite without cruelty.

He watches as you look past him, the gold in your eyes flickering, filling your irises. Leaning forwards, he reaches a hand out, waves it but you don't react. The gold flashes silver, and he finally finds his voice, "Darling?"

It slips out, but he watches as you blink. As the gold and silver filter away, and the familiar mismatch of your eyes returns to him. As you look at him, warmth in your eyes for a moment, and a flicker of a warm smile as you shiver, before you are this you again. You avoid his hands again, and sink your fang into your lip. He wants to reach out but he does not want to feel the sting of your withdrawal again.

He finds relief in the fact you have taken care of your wounds, as reserved about it as you are. So he tries something else. Decides to rattle you, watches you make him hot chocolate. You're short with him now, demanding he stay. There's a bite to your words, but your eyes…

You're sad. He doesn't know why, there's too much he doesn't know. What they've done to you, what you've been through in the months you've been separated. The way your shoulder droops as you make his drink, more careful with your actions. Carefully pouring, stirring with your left hand. For a second, he lets himself imagine you're home again. That he's sat working at the kitchen bar, Sylus reading a book nearby, Rafayel playing an overly noisy game on his phone, Xavier half reading a book and half drifting to sleep.

You're making drinks for them, humming and bobbing your head to music that is as familiar to him now as everything else in their home.

When you turn to hand it to him, he is still in that daydream. Taking it with hands too cold, and sipping. It is only when you point out the risk, that he pulls out of the fantasy.

That you are watching him, again, like he is insane, and every moment you call him Doctor is a spear.

He spent so long trying to be Zayne for you again, to overcome walls he had placed between you. Icy thorns, tangled around his heart, forcing his hand to be steadier. Controlled. He has lost so much time running from you, before he could finally open up, finally take your hand freely. Finally have you close to him, opening doors to the tower, letting him walk freely wherever he wanted.

Without fearing the ice as much as he had.

It's like he is back in the moment of when you first walked back through his door, keeping your distance. Calling him doctor, reacting with a lack of recognition when you see his face. There's even more of a frost to you now, and his title is bitten off.

He wonders how many doctors in EVER treat you with the same kindness those in Akso have.

He doubts any.

When you growl his name out, glaring at him, he cannot help the feeling. Like he's won something, he thinks it might be the same feeling he has when he has won a plushie out of the claw machine for you. Victory and pride, and warmth in this chest at the crooked smile you gave him. Even if you and Rafayel often tease him for not being very good at it.

Zayne learns a lot just watching, he's always needed to be observant, and the flickering of the gold of your resonance, over your skin, up your wanderer prosthetic, is uncontrolled. Driven by fluctuating emotions, that you cannot comprehend. He's familiar with the struggle, and he knows it is something you had struggled to learn. Now you are back at the space without the skills to navigate, with no comfort or safety to try.

"Did they hurt you?"

It feels like a stupid question, he can see new scars, that he has not traced with his fingers. He can see the shades of fear in you as you flinch out of his grasp. EVER have hurt you, he knows that.

Yet… he needs to know. Has to understand, if he ever hopes to fix it. He cannot cure something that he cannot see.

There's some guilt, that he could not help, that he has not been here. It's a pointless thing, to feel guilt. He is one man, all of his family cannot fight against EVER without struggling against it. Still… he cannot help but guilt when he sees your hand press to your chest. Is it a physical pain or an emotional one?, he wonders. Unable to ask. Press, push and pull like he wants.

You are not close enough to answer him. Biting back at all of his questions, bristling at him when he pries.

So when you question him, looking at him as you bring up the name he has called you so often, his heart skips. Darling has been as familiar on his tongue, as his own name could be. He remembers the moment he had first called you it, felt the heat on your cheeks, the glistening in your eyes. The way you had turned away to hide it, only to be pulled back to him. So that he could kiss you.

Whispering it against your lips. Tasting the sigh of his name in return. It had taken so much restraint from him to stop, when you needed to breathe. He was so desperate, his control fraying, his mind tumbling around the sensation, the need, the yearning. Everything he wanted, in his hands.

It fits you better than the words of EVER, ever could. You are not their weapon, or their rare beast to keep in a cage. You are his Darling. Rafayel's Cutie. Xavier's Starlight. Sylus' Kitten. You are you.

When Unicorn leaves his lips, he feels sickened by it. It is not you. It's not right, and he watches the flicker of pain in your eyes, like you wish he'd never said it. He wishes he had not, he wishes he could call you anything else. That the pain as you press to your chest was not so stark, that he could ignore it for a moment longer, to whisper your name.

It is patience, it is process. Medicine is not a quick and easy journey. Struggles with memory are never so simple to fix. He cannot say a word and watch you be healed in front of his eyes.

He has to remind himself. He has to remember.

Even if you cannot.

He can, and he can find a path forward.

Out of all the things that he wishes to know, he faces your wary gaze with a simple thing. He finds the doctor's manual, and he processes.

Dealing with those with memory loss. Keep questions simple, without being belittling. Do not ask if they remember certain things. Offer conversation, help build up rapport.

He has to remember, because if he cannot be your lover, he will be your doctor. He has always cared first and foremost about keeping you healthy.

If the look you give him, upon questioning about hobbies, is anything to go on, he has succeeded somewhat in disarming you. He remembers your reaction to finding out he had toothache and had been avoiding the dentist.

Disbelief, amusement, and the need to tease. If you had a tail, it would have flicked.

You have wide eyes, and blink at him. Startled, and he thinks of a cat. Though he would not do Sylus the pleasure of agreeing with the 'Kitten' moniker too loudly.

As you gaze off, you describe Destiny Cafe to him. Starry eyed, with gold flickering around the edges. Fading out of focus. Your words stall, and his heart skips again.

Despite everything, despite the situation you are in… you are drawn to places that you and they have left marks. A place that is as familiar as home, at this point. It tempers, reminding himself that he cannot cling too blindly to hope. Yet… against his will, it is water for the small flower he protects.

If even part of you remembers, there is hope.

He will fix this, he will see you find yourself again, offer you sanctuary even if you do not trust easily, and he will wait and find a way to get out of this nightmare.

He promised a future, and he will not let it go.

After all, you helped cut through the icy thorns for him. He will help you break down EVER's bars around you.

At the very least, he has a chance. If you are to be forced to spend your time with him, then he can use it to his advantage. He can ignore the ache, and find a goal. He chased medicine all his life to cure your heart, he is not one to quit.

Not on you.

Even as he stares his dead childhood friend in the face. As purple and pink eyes look back at him coldly.

As you step back from between them, and raise a brow.

There are questions on Zayne's tongue. So many, too many. What has EVER done to those he cares for, to have laid their damned claws into everything? Is it the fact he feels the distance in Caleb, that keeps him from doing much but holding his gaze. There is a feeling of being watched by a snake, that he has never felt before.

The Caleb he knows, beyond being protective, was warm. Even if most of it was reserved for you.

Zayne has never felt like a threat, not like this.

"How are you?"

His words come out short, when Zayne finally manages to pull himself out of thought, "I have been better." He receives a laugh in response, as empty as the man's eyes. Like he finds the situation of little interest. Like his childhood friends being caged by EVER are not a concern to him.

This waking nightmare feels less real by the moment, as he looks at the uniform. As he picks out the Farspace Fleet insignia. As he sees the colonel badge. As he pieces the vision together.

There is a biting, and vicious question that is out of his character, but is full of frustration and anger at all the things he has seen. That reminds him of Sylus on the floor, in pain, gasping. That makes him see the wanderer claw out the corner of his eye. That sees him stitching up a deep gash in Xavier's chest. That hears the eulogy from the bathroom as Rafayel mourns.

How could you stand there and see this happen?

How could you see this and not fight?

How could you claim to care for them, and turn a blind eye to their suffering?

So much, too much. Overwhelmed and hurting.

If there is a god Zayne can believe in, he wishes they would make this nightmare end.

"You two know each other?" You finally speak up, looking between them, and Zayne sees it. The wary look in your eye as you look at Caleb, the way you do not stand closer to either of them. Whatever the situation has become, you are not sure where you stand.

Caleb must notice it too, looking down at you. There's more warmth in his eyes when his gaze holds yours, and Zayne almost can trick himself into believing it's the same Caleb he knows.

"We used to be old friends, didn't we?"

"I suppose so."

"So that's how they plan to convince you, Zayne? An old friend?"

He almost laughs, it has no humour, and it would be a broken rattling thing, but he almost does. "Yes, I suppose you could say that."

You look incredulous at him, brow raised and chewing on your lip, like the idea is more confusing to you, than anything else right now. Like your dead best friend, is not the biggest question here. Like he is the odd one. He isn't lying to you either, the chain EVER want to place on him, is a reminder. Of the person he fought so hard to save, who is right in the grasp of people who would break you with such little effort.

It's simply not Caleb, who keeps him tethered.

It is not Caleb who reminds him that he is at EVER's mercy.

You say something under your breath, that he does not catch, shrugging to yourself.

"How about we chat, for a bit, Zayne? I'm sure Pipsqueak can go find some food, you haven't eaten yet, have you?"

This causes you to bristle, and Zayne watches as you move in front of him. Facing Caleb. There's a height difference, and you have to look up at him, but there's an immovable force. A tenseness to your claw, that reminds him that you are well trained.

And he is your job.

"Pipsqueak?" A flicker of doubt over Caleb's face, almost makes Zayne's anger temper. Almost.

"My job is to protect him, Caleb. I can't leave him alone."

There's a laugh, warm and jovial, as Caleb extends a hand towards your head, and goes to pat it, but you carefully move back a little more. Forcing Zayne back a step to avoid you bumping into him. It tapers out, the humour, and his eyes narrow up at Zayne like it is his fault, this is happening. "From me?"

"From everyone." Your voice is cold, the empty look in your eyes is back. The wall around you that forces the shocked, irritated looks to the back of his mind. The version of you he saw outside your home. Ready to hurt anyone in your path to fulfill your role.

The weapon EVER are so ready to throw at others.

Zayne watches, and he waits, in the course of your conversation he learned you carry out your jobs, no matter what. Even if you bristled at the orders. He wonders if you could bring Caleb to his knees like you did with Sylus, angry and snarling.

Caleb's eyes narrow, and then soften, his hands up. Appeasing, his smile is wide but Zayne can't feel the warmth from it. Too busy overlapping the chill in his gaze, with the friend he grew up with. "Alright Pipsqueak, I get it. No leaving the doctor alone, why don't I go and get us connected rooms sorted so it's easier to guard him?"

Your hackles raise, then ease, then settle. The gold that was drifting down your claw, now dissipates, leaving flickering around your eyes once more. You don't smile, but you do nod, "That would be helpful, thank you Caleb." This time when the hand extends to your head, you do not pull from Caleb, and Zayne finds himself irritatingly jealous.

It is a feeling he is not very familiar with, so used to reaching out and touching you. To knowing you inside and out. To being more than confident in every moment spent, every day lived, and every experience had by your side.

Now he is nothing more than a stranger, watching you pull away from him, into someone else's arms.

He's only slightly relieved when you seem to have enough of being touched, pulling back and indicating for him to follow, "Let's go, before there's no food left." You glance at Caleb, then back at Zayne, then urge him to keep up as you leave. He follows, as quickly as he can. Unwilling to strain the new found relationship, when he sees how wary you are of someone you trusted implicitly.

That if he came to it… he has no idea if you would align yourself with EVER, or with Caleb. Which is a question that while he never thought he would ask, he certainly never thought the answer would be so clouded in mystery.

As he leaves, his head slightly turns to glance at Caleb. The flash of hurt in purple eyes quickly smothered, makes him think he is not the only one with the question.

—---

Your time with Zayne is time you aren't sure how to fill. You cannot remember the last time you spent an extended period of time with anyone.

So you do what you can think of. Imagining he's a pet you have to take care of. It's an insulting assessment, but you know the basics for it better than you know the basics of general human survival. Eat, sleep, repeat, you think. Truthfully though, you don't want to parade the man around EVER's compound.

As you enter the canteen you see all the faceless white coats who you barely want to acknowledge, look up at your entrance. Unlike Zayne, who takes a cursory look around him, you keep eyes forward. There's nothing to be gained from their curiosity. Just more agony, and more probing questions.

At least the doctor's questions aren't met at the end of a scalpel you can feel in your flesh, like one of their cruel vivisections.

"Pick." You indicate the menu, looking over at the machines. It's a simple automated system, the less people in the compound the better. You see the OTTO bouncing about as they clean up, or bring trays to people.

It's a simple enough system, so you don't have to explain it, while you stand by his side and look around.

Shooting particularly sharp eyes at some scientists staring far too much at your new charge.

You hope, your only charge.

"Done." You look back and see he's inputted his choice, and then see that he's inputted for chocolate cake. He at least has the decency to look a little red faced when you raise a brow at him.

He's a mystery you won't entertain.

You can't.

So you shrug and shove in an order for whatever won't turn your stomach. You haven't eaten properly, besides some fruit slices, and you doubt you'll keep the prepared food down much longer than usual. Still, if you don't try you worry Leon will find out and inform the lab coats. Then you'll be hooked up to an IV, and forced through the process of keeping your body workable.

They can't risk a knife rusting, after all.

The canteen is as silent as it always is when you enter, like if they talk you'll bite. You're used to the treatment, but Zayne lets out a small chuckle, "Is it against the rules to talk when you're a member of EVER?"

You almost laugh, almost, biting it back down because it's not exactly inaccurate. Everyone here knows something, that if they shared would get them killed. Still, it's not that threat keeping them silent. "They're too curious about you Doctor Li." You respond, taking the trays away from the OTTO, shoving them at the Doctor so you're free just in case, and leading him to a table that keeps his back to the wall.

"Eat."

"Am I going to be ordered around a lot, going forwards? Is the correct response, yes zir?"

"The correct response is to eat. If you drop down out of malnutrition, I've failed my job."

"Ah, can't have a stain on your record now, can we?" There's no venom when he says it, and when you look at him, he does not look at you like he's picking a fight. His eyes aren't cold, in fact they're as warm as they always seem to be, but the words do hurt.

You aren't sure why. It should be a badge of honour, that you've never failed. Even in all your ignorance, though, you know blood on your hand is nothing to sing for.

Not in front of a man who has made promises to save people. You are diametrically opposed.

He should hate you, for everything you represent. Instead he simply seems at peace to eat, next to you.

Surely it is an insanity, to sit next to a killer, and not even check your food for poison?

Still, would you hurt him? Not right now, you have your orders. To keep him safe, protect him. From anyone, even yourself.

Even Caleb…

The cold look in his eyes is embedded in your mind, the way he glared at Zayne, someone who should have been his friend. You look up at Zayne, watching him eat cake as if he hasn't a care in the world, but you notice the tapping of his finger against the table. It's quiet, and he's looking off as he eats.

You remember the anxious energy you get in your hand without your dagger to twirl.

Perhaps that's something you can understand. The mask. It makes him easier to understand, to believe.

You still can't bring yourself to ask.

Do you really want to know more about this man, to humanise him more than he already is, if the order comes down that he's not needed anymore?

"When did Caleb return?"

He does not give you the reprieve of avoiding it, but you're not even sure how to respond. If you should even tell him anything. You remember him picking at the fact this is personal information. It's not a threat to EVER. For all reasoning you have no orders to keep this secret. There's little stopping you sharing whatever you like.

Information is dangerous, in anyone's hands. Even if you feel a little foolish for thinking this doctor might not be one of them.

"Does it matter?"

He pushes some of the cake over to you, when he realises you've barely eaten anything. Picked at some vegetables, speared them around the plate and then ignored them. You hesitate before taking a bite, the sweetness spreading over your tongue.

For a moment you hear laughter, and see a warm smile, as you eat. Before it fades, and you hear him speak again, "He was dead for a year. I mourned him. I just want to understand what happened."

You see the flash of pain in his eyes, the way his tapping speeds up for a moment, before he pulls his restless hands out of your view. Steadying himself with an exhale.

You aren't sure what part of your twisted heart compels you… but you don't want to hide this information, "Yesterday, I saw him again yesterday. He told me he was gone for a year, but I don't remember anything beyond that."

"Nothing?"

You bristle, the idea of sharing anymore about it does not appeal, no matter how warm his eyes are. You aren't sure if it's protectivity over your own being, or if it's fear. So you clamp shut again, sitting back and pushing the cake back to him.

He seems to accept the close of topic, and tries something else, "Have you noticed anything-" He pauses, seems to think of how to word it, "Odd, about him?"

"Odd about me, Zayne? Am I so different?"

You look to the side, as Caleb approaches, his hat pulled down to cover his eyes somewhat. He's smiling, but it's the same smile you saw earlier. Chilling, and unwelcoming, even though when he turns to look at you. It blooms brighter.

You can't quite figure out what it means.

Why he would level a glare at someone he called a friend.

Or why it would make you feel like stepping away that you noticed it.

Zayne lets out a sigh, and you're impressed when his expression does not change at being heard, or when he simply raises his head to nod in greeting, "It's been a year. Everyone changes with time, Colonel."

"Please, how long have we known each other? It's Caleb." He pulls out a chair to join you both at the table, a steady smile on his face. Warmer now, like he's thawed.

You wait for a sign the frost is returning.

"Still have a sweet tooth? It seems some things don't change."

"If it isn't broken." Is the level response, as he finishes.

"I'm sure your dentist wouldn't agree." You respond, looking down at your plate, before you blink. Why… did you-

The chuckle is small, and warm eyes watch you when you raise your head at the sound. The doctor nods, "He wouldn't, no."

You try to hold his gaze, stunned at the way he watches you, at the words out of your mouth before you'd even processed you were speaking, and let out a tch. Turning your face away, catching Caleb watching you.

His expression is flat, before his eyes meet yours, and he smiles at you. Warm and sunny, "Are you finished?"

You look down at the still full plate and ache a little at the waste. You go through this process every now and then, order, stomach a bite, feel torn up, and stop. "I'm not hungry."

Zayne doesn't bring up your growling stomach from earlier, he simply watches like he wants to say something to you, but isn't sure what or where to begin. You can only imagine what an actually good doctor might say.

You're going to be sick. You're not taking care of yourself. You need to eat.

You know that, you know logically you need to…

You think about the pastries in the cafe, the only thing you'd managed to keep down. Maybe you could convince Leon to get you more.

Or would they turn to ashes in your mouth if you eat them in EVER's walls.

"How about I cook for you next time? It's been a while, after all." You flinch, looking up at Caleb. Like he's seen through you, like he knows more than you want him to. That feeling like he and the doctor can see through you. Read whatever they want through walls.

You want to shiver at it, but you also don't want them to see more. If there's even a point, anymore, to hiding.

"Surely you're busy with work for the fleet?" Zayne interrupts, "Do you have the time to spend here?"

A muscle in Caleb's jaw jumps, and you watch his eyes change, as he looks at Zayne, "I have plenty of time for when Pipsqueak needs me."

This time when Caleb talks, he keeps his gaze mostly on Zayne, but his voice is warmer, "How about we go to see Skyhaven soon, Pipsqueak, and I can make you food there?"

It's like you're watching a tug of war, in a game you don't even remember seeing start. You suddenly want to ask if friend is even the word for whatever these two are. You're almost sure a friend isn't supposed to glare at you.

Almost.

But you can feel eyes at your back, can feel too many people curious about the Colonel, and his conversation with EVER's pet, and the new doctor. Can already tell the second you leave this room, the gossip will become unbearable. You'll hear it in whispers for weeks at the least. Until another horrible thing happens to draw the vulture's attention.

So you push back out of your seat and look at Zayne, "We should go."

Before you can begin to force the man out of the room, Caleb stands, "What about a tour? I've sorted out the rooms, so we may as well show our dear doctor around, right Pipsqueak?"

"Can't we just give him a map?"

You barely have time to react when he ruffles your hair again, laughing at you, "Come on, be a tour guide for a little bit, instead of a guard."

There's a biting remark on the tip of your tongue, to the effect of 'I'm only spending time here to guard him.' It feels like too much effort though, to argue when you can see the immovable object that is Caleb.

Especially when Zayne steps over and nods, "It would be prudent to see the place properly."

You're sure he wants to investigate to figure out how to escape, if he's foolish enough to think that's an option, you may as well make your life easier and show him how it's not. At the very least you won't have to chase him through the corridors at any point, while he tries to find one door that will let him outside.

It doesn't sound like a good use of the time you don't spend sleeping.

"Fine."

So you follow along, truthfully, Caleb does the tour. You barely know where anything other than the training room and Leon's lab is. You can find your way mostly, but if anyone asked what rooms were what you'd be pointing them at the signs.

There's a small voice in the back of your mind, that wonders why Caleb, of all people, knows the place inside and out.

You remind yourself that EVER brought him back. Maybe in this specific compound.

It's a good enough reason.

So you allow yourself to be led around, nodding on occasion but mostly watching. Zayne, to try to puzzle out what is going through his head, and Caleb, to try to understand the feeling you've felt since that cold smile had shown on his face.

"Do you not spend much time in the compound?" Zayne asks you at some point while you're shrugging at an anecdote Caleb offers about a specific lab's work.

"I told you, I train, I get experimented on, I go to sleep. I only need three rooms for that. The rest of this place is a maze I have no interest getting lost in."

"They need more signs, otherwise one day I'm going to get a message from you going 'Hey Caleb I'm lost.' again."

Again?

It's cold. You're so cold.

Hair soaked to your skin, the chill biting at you.

Your chest aches and hurts and twists. Sobbing and choking and gasping on air.

It's so cold and you just want it to stop.

It's too much, why won't it stop?

"Pipsqueak, I found you."

"Pipsqueak?"

You stumble back at hands on your skin. Caleb pulls his own back to show you it, as you leave his grasp. The Doctor with his own outstretched. You shake your head, clearing it, fighting through the crackling edges of broken ghosts.

"I'm fine." It's broken and choked and cracking. You're not fine. You can't be. You need to be fixed, you need whatever is wrong with you to stop. "Just tired."

They don't believe you, you see the doubt in eyes. Worry, things you don't want to see.

You don't deserve it and you don't want it.

You can't keep looking at them.

"The joined room is ready, we can go back there, you can get some sleep, and Zayne can be safe in the next room over." Caleb offers, trying to catch your gaze, as you stubbornly keep your eyes away. "I can get him a book or something, that'll waste a few hours."

You're barely listening. You need to see Philip. Need him to fix your head.

If you tell him, maybe you won't be subjected to something more painful.

You force a nod, "Sure. Sleep." You're barely aware enough to be ashamed of how your voice breaks, how your fingers are trembling, so you shove them into pockets, and clench your claw into a fist. "Let's go."

You're a better tool than this, you're better at what you do than this… yet as you walk away, at no point do you turn to check your charge is safely following.

—----

Caleb tries to tell himself that you're fine, that you will be fine. As he sits near the bed where you're curled up in on yourself, he tells himself that. Over and over like a mantra. That you'll be alright.

He's angry, and frustrated, that part of EVER's plans involve dangling you around Zayne like some treat he'll get if he's a well behaved dog. If he follows their orders and does what they ask. That you don't understand the game you're being played as a pawn in. That you don't have the answers.

There is a tearing in his heart, that cannot decide whether telling you is better than keeping it secret. The more you know, the better prepared you will be… the more you know, the more at risk you are of fighting back. He cannot put ammo in your hands, that will inevitably end up in your own head.

It is not a risk he will take. Not now, not now he finally has you back.

He gently takes your hand, to press a kiss to the back of it, as you talk in your sleep. Another trait that has not dissipated along with your memories.

For a moment, Caleb wonders what Zayne saw when he saw you. He's no fool, and he has kept a close eye. Has seen how close you have gotten to their common companion. Has watched dates with that 'family', the word turns his stomach, and seen the touches. The kisses, the contact. Has seen you smile and laugh and live happily with them.

He can touch you now though. His lips on your skin. His hand on your head. His body at your side in your sleep.

He is the only one you can really trust here, because he will never abandon you.

He will do whatever it takes, to protect you.

In a world with just the two of you.

His mind unwillingly calls up the cold look you had levelled him with. The way you had stood in front of Zayne like a guardian, had moved away from his touch, like he was the thing to fight against. That he was the enemy.

Caleb tries not to think of it, of the wary, chilled look. No recognition or acknowledgement. He tries to focus instead on the heat of you through his left hand. The scent of the shampoo you use. The soft exhales through your parted lips.

Today had called images into his mind that while he would hate to forget any part of you, the particular memories of his childhood were unnecessary. That even for a split second, as he'd walked with Zayne and you, he had felt like that young boy, playing with a younger you. That everytime he had turned around you were there, pulling Zayne along with you, in case he was left behind.

That there were days in warm summer sun where you had spent time on swing sets. Where on cooler days after school, you had studied together, Caleb trying to outpace Zayne so that he could be the one to show you how to do calculations. That he tried not to see times when you used your change to buy sweets, to share with Zayne so he wouldn't be embarrassed about his sweet tooth.

That he'd do something stupid to impress or appease one of your requests, falling or catching himself on something, only for Zayne to help clean his wounds and take care of his injuries. As much as he frowned and said he was fine. The older boy had simply carried on wiping with antiseptic, and carefully bandaging him up.

That all he needed to do was think about what games to keep you entertained, or what school work hung over your heads. That those warmer days faded after as you became older teens. As Zayne left, and he never really understood why. As your heart ached more and more, and you finally faced your painful reality.

As he watched his world start to shatter again.

That finding time to just watch the sunset by the river was harder and harder to do, no matter how much time he wanted to make for you. How as time passed, that small smile and warm laugh got weaker and weaker, more withdrawn. Before you stopped altogether.

He had forgotten, he supposed, how cruel the world was to you both. Allowed himself to be foolish, allowed himself to forget Gran's words. 'Keep them safe'.

Now he was dealing with what he had wrought in his ignorance. His blind foolishness, had led to this outcome.

So he had to find a way to keep you safe.

He had to protect your world together.

No matter what it is that lies as a threat.

The door to Zayne's room is easily opened, and he does not knock, does not ask for entry. He pushes the door open and steps inside. He watches Zayne sit up, ice in his hand, the cold swirls travelling over his skin. He watches as the man's eyes move past him, through the gap in the door, to where you sleep.

Irritation swirls. A protective craving and bite. The thought of a rotting apple falling to the floor. He pushes it closed, so he won't be able to see you. He doesn't deserve to see you. He didn't protect you well enough either.

He failed to fix your heart too.

Zayne is just as foolish, if not more so, than he is.

"You're prone to sneaking around now Caleb?" If there's something to be said for Zayne, it is that his expression does not change when he looks at Caleb. When he sees the threat. He's always had little change to his face, even as kids. You were convinced he hated you for a long time, because of it. Caleb had known differently, but telling you so would require telling you how much Zayne had liked you.

It hadn't been a conversation he wanted to have.

"I wouldn't want to raise my Pipsqueak's ire again, now would I?"

"Their job is just to protect me, unless you plan to kill me-"

Caleb barely keeps himself from twitching, but he isn't convinced his expression is as level as he likes, the impulse to bare teeth at the man is immense. To suggest he would ever go out of his way to ruin one of your jobs, without a good reason. That the man has the gall to flaunt his 'protection', in Caleb's face. A reminder of the leash about your neck, that now this man holds.

That you are a tool for him, is his misconception.

It is pulled back, as he reminds himself he has a mask for this moment. That his every day as a colonel, has taught him how to lie, and keep things hidden. That the very act of wearing it was how he survived. How he got back to you. That without it, without every lie he has ever told, he would not be able to keep you safe now.

"No, I wouldn't want them to fail one of their orders for EVER. That would be disastrous. They have a clean record, you won't be the reason that changes." He leans against the wall, and indicates to Zayne with a finger outstretched, "I just wanted to remind you not to do anything stupid."

"I would have believed my old friend would know me to be anything but stupid, after all, I helped you with your studies too."

It irritates him, the reminder, the knowledge of times he hadn't been enough, and had needed someone else to cover where he lacked. It wasn't true anymore, he didn't need Zayne's helping hand. He doesn't need anyone's hand, except for yours.

"What strikes me as stupid, is the situation we have found ourselves in. Or perhaps, foolish, is a better term. After all, what could possibly have convinced you that this is the right place for them to be?"

Like he understands, like the choice was ever that easy.

"This, or a grave, Zayne, which would you choose?"

"Better to die with your mind intact, than live as a monster."

He laughs, it is a scoff and it is bitter, and he turns away from the man. Thinks about moments in that testing facility. At every electric shock through his limbs to make him work like the tool they needed him to be. To make his arm function, to make him a reliable weapon.

A monster. He thinks about how he despises the thing they put to him, that perhaps it's true and the cybernetics make him a monster. That his right arm is dirty and filthy and every choice he has made, made him a beast. If he is a beast, however, he will be a beast for you. In service to you. That even if you do not know it, the fact your right arm carries the beast of burden too, makes him feel like you two still are the only two that matter in this filthy place.

That at the very least, even though he wishes it had never happened, he shares the connection that only you can understand. With your claw soaked and stained in blood he knows you cannot wash clean.

Just like he cannot.

"A monster, mhm? Is that what they are now, to you?"

Zayne does not respond, just looks at him, cool, calm eyes watching him. Caleb tries not to remember moments in childhood, when he'd gotten hurt, and Zayne had simply watched him until he finally cracked and confessed so. So the younger boy could help him with his cuts.

They aren't kids anymore.

"I'm keeping them safe, what could you possibly understand of that?"

"Safe? In EVER's den? With them watching every move, keeping track of everything that happens? Holding onto them like they're some kind of attack dog?"

It's the first time Caleb has seen real emotion leak out of him. That in all the time, watching and keeping an eye on him, that Zayne bites. He watches the ice spread up his arm, as his emotions fluctuate.

So he really still can't control it, is a thought that flickers through his mind. A reminder of seeing through the camera, as you resonate with him. Keeping him from hurting himself, or others. Easing the out of control ice down.

You're not here, though, and Caleb watches as the hand tightens. Then eases open, and the ice fades back away, as the cold man warms back up.

It's another reminder, that Zayne cannot help you. When he cannot even really help himself.

An assurance, to Caleb, that he is the best place to keep you safe.

"At least they have me protecting them."

"Who is protecting them from you?"

He's a controlled man, he tries to be. Violence is to be used carefully. His EVOL is a tool, a powerful one, that he has harnessed and learned out of need and through pain. That every experiment his was subjected to, as a child, and as an adult, has made him stronger. That when he needs it, he can use it with a wave of his hand.

That he can bring forth a black hole like it's nothing.

For a split second, his hand twitches, and he feels his anger pull. Zayne's shoulders slump, and he chokes on nothing, before Caleb pulls it back. Reels himself in, steadies it. He cannot kill the man. He cannot hurt him, not when you will suffer it.

He will not hurt you. Ever. You are the one thing in this world he values, that he cares for. You are everything. His beacon and his home base. No matter what, you are where he belongs.

You do not need protecting from him, because he loves you. More than you'll ever understand, more than you'll ever know. More than he'll ever tell you. "I would never hurt them. Ever." It feels wet, like he's close to tears, choked out on the feeling.

The idea of his hands ever being responsible for your pain.

He will never be a weapon to hurt you. No matter what anyone else intends.

"You are, keeping them here, helping EVER, is hurting them. You have to be smarter than this Caleb, surely?"

"Don't act like you could understand this. All you have to do is help them, and they'll leave you alone. Let you do your work, and you won't have to look over your shoulder anymore-" It's not true, it's never true. Caleb knows that, he knows Zayne will never be safe from them anymore. No one will ever be safe from EVER. There is not a safe place in this world anymore. "Pipsqueak can't. Pipsqueak will never be safe from them. They always find us, they always will."

There is nowhere he can run with you, nowhere he can hide you. There is no place EVER cannot touch. He hates every time he realises, every time he remembers the simple fact. That even if he took you to another world, they would follow.

"Caleb-" Zayne tries, trying to catch his gaze, and he simply turns away. Staring directly at the wall. Like if he could look out through it, he could see something better.

Zayne can't understand. Not really.

He hasn't lived through the tests, the iron grip over your lives.

The snapshot of time without EVER's cruelty was too short, before they found you both again.

This entire world is filthy. It's ruined everything. Every happy moment, and every bit of joy. It has done nothing but hurt you, taken from you. There is nothing to be gained from a world that does nothing but hurt. When the day comes and he figures out how to destroy it, he'll do so gladly.

He'll build somewhere better, where you can be happy, and safe. Where the two of you will finally be free, away from pain. Where he won't have to lie to you again. Where he can finally touch you at will and tell you every secret in his heart.

It is a dream within a dream, he wants nothing more than to make it a reality.

"All you need to do Zayne, is stay in line. Don't cause issues, don't make their job harder. Let this pass, and accept your new reality."

The words do not stop him from sighing, or speaking out again, voice steady but desperate. As though he truly needs Caleb to understand.

"If you really knew them, you would know this isn't what they would want. You urged them to be a hunter, you wanted them to help people to protect the world. Surely you know they don't want to abandon everything they care about? The people they love?" He exhales, "Do they look happy to you? Is this what you want to protect so badly? Do they want all this blood on their hands?"

This time, his anger truly gets the best of him. It's an ice cold chill that rivals Zayne's EVOL. He clearly does not expect it, because it takes too long for him to react as Caleb tightens his cybernetic hand around the man's throat and squeezes. He can't feel it, but he can watch. The pain flickering through Zayne's eyes. The shock. As his hand raises sluggishly to tighten a grip around his wrist. As the ice spears through Caleb's synthetic skin and tries to pry through the cybernetics.

He watches with a degree of glee, as he sees Zayne see the cybernetics. As he comes face to face with the way EVER has rebuilt him. There is pain in him at the damage the ice causes. He knows he'll have to go through repairs again, agony waiting on the horizon. It is with irritation that when the sensation of his arm comes back to him, it is through the pain, and is the feeling of Zayne's skin under his iron grip.

His sensations should be saved for you, as rare as they are.

Still, at least he knows it will leave a reminding bruise.

"Don't you dare act like you know them better than me, Zayne. Everything I have ever done, has been for them. Everything I am, every choice I've made. For them."

The creak of the door filters through his anger, reminds him that he cannot kill the man, not if he doesn't have to. Not if it leaves you punished for no reason. Not if you give him that look again, cold and wary. Like he is not the only person you can trust.

Like he's not your only real ally in this world.

You're in pain, but he can help you, and when he has, you'll never feel pain like this ever again.

You'll understand one day, that there's nothing redeemable about this world. That he can build a better one just for you. As good a heart as you have, as much as you care. He knows you'll understand.

You have to.

He backs away, releases Zayne like he scorches to touch. Pushing him back and away, and feels himself laugh under the strain of his aching heart, "If it comes down to a choice, Zayne, of your life or theirs. It will be an easy choice to make. If I have to kill you, no matter their mission, no matter what will happen, if the alternative is EVER's chip in their head, then I will do it."

Zayne rubs at the skin around his neck, and as Caleb turns, walking back to the door, back to you. Where he belongs. He hears a raw and scratchy voice behind him, rough with pain, "When you wake up from this dream Caleb, you're going to be horrified of what you've wrought."

He finds himself laughing again but it doesn't feel funny, and looks back to smile, "Well Doctor, at least I'm not living in a nightmare."

—---

You're inside a cage. The bars are rusted and it's too small to stand in. Hands and knees, with a dirty dog bowl as the only other thing in there.

You crawl to the gate, grab at it with the claw. Pull and tug and rattle it, but no matter how much you try it does not open. No matter how rusted the bars are they do not break. You don't stop, pulling and clawing at them, until the lights switch on.

A man in a black uniform, hat pulled low enters. You cannot see his face, can't make him out. No matter how you crane your neck to try to look up at him.

When your mouth opens, instead of words, you whine. Hurt and wounded like an injured dog.

He exhales, and reaches for the gate. Opens it, and then leaves.

It's a moment, when you wait. For him to come back and lock it again. To bring you a new bowl. To do anything. As you hesitate on the threshold.

When your sad, hurting heart tells you one thing.

He is never coming back.

Unneeded, unwanted, and worthless.

You have been abandoned.

You crawl out of the cage, drag yourself over the ground, your legs too shaky and unused to the space to stand to do more than stumble and fall as you try to raise yourself up. Scrapping and tearing each time you make impact with the floor.

As you reach the door he left through, the lights flick back off, and you fall through the floor.

It is almost a quiet bliss as you fall now. The ground will approach, and you will hit it. The assurance, and the knowledge of that fact, comforts you.

Because you ache, and you hurt, and no one is coming back for you.

The claw is so cold on your skin, as you wrap your arms around yourself. Seeking out any degree of comfort, any reminder of what it felt like.

Surely, at one point, you knew that. Knew kindness and warmth.

You can hear the whine in your throat, the feeling like you want to sob but can't. Falling backwards into the abyss.

When your body slows, stopping, floating. You wait for the sudden impact, for the assurance of the end.

You wait, and you wait, and it does not come.

Flickering blue lights and static.

There is no sudden relief, there is no release.

You're going to wake back up in the cage again. Left to stare at the dirty bowl as company. Waiting for something that never arrives.