#and yeah. i'm not angry anymore
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I may not be in the Percy Jackson fandom that much anymore but drawing purple Nico to represent angst and sadness is one of life's simple joys <3
#my art#pjo art#percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#riordanverse#nico di angelo#nico di angelo fanart#fanart#bianca di angelo#bianca di angelo fanart#one of my favorite things lately is all my instagram mutuals are leftover from my pjo days#and so i have been explaining ace attorney characters through pjo parallels so they understand my posts#and now i can do the opposite for all my ace attorney mutuals here#*steeples hands* OK so Nico is like. Imagine if maya fey was exactly her happy silly self but a boy#and then nick lost her case and she was like MY SISTER TRUSTED YOU :( HOW COULD YOU BETRAY HER AND LET US DOWN#and then she went crazy angry and summoned spirits and everyone was scared of her and she ran away#and then she lived as an outlaw and it is revealed that she ALSO had a little kid idol worship gay crush on Nick and hates herself for that#and also if Mia was like stop hitting me up let me rest in peace. That's what nico's backstory is like#so yeah nico's really cool and fun. sad kiddo who talks to the dead and misses his sister. Also he's from the 1940s. And italian.#people will try to tell you Nico and Will are parallels to Miles and Nick WRONG!!!#Phoenix Wright is the percy in this parallel. Miles edgeworth is Annabeth if Luke convinced her to join the titan army in the first book#the difference is Nico is a big sweetheart who just wants to make friends with everyone deep down#but Annabeth legitimately hates everyone when she first meets them JUST LIKE MILES ok i'm done#i can't get into this I don't even go here anymore.
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One thing I think people forget is that sans probably wouldn’t talk about missing his home and never being able to go back and giving up unless he absolutely felt he had to
with frisk he’s pretty sure that’s the time traveler that could very well end the entire world. He’s trying to reason with em as a someone he’s hoping could be a friend at that point because he’d really rather not have that happen
In geno is IS the end of the world and he’s hoping you’ll realize this is stupid and cruel and reset. It’s not like he’d have this conversation on a random Tuesday with papyrus
yeah agreed, sans goes out of his way to not talk to/with papyrus about their life before the underground. remember the newsletter q&a? (this is more a theory, but judging from their behavior i personally think papyrus is an amnesiac/sans thinks he is, and he's trying to spare him the grief of remembering).
his memories and mementos are stored behind his house for a reason, he's had his realization that he'll never go back already: there's no sense in reopening that wound again if he has an option to avoid the topic.
#the reason he talks to frisk about homesickness is partly a tactical decision to test our willingness to finish our journey#partly genuine empathy for the situation (he assumes) they both find themselves in#then there's nm where he's just laying it all out for you. it's the worst case scenario climax of years of foreknowledge cynicism and work#watching even his last glimmer of hope that he can persuade us die in front of his eyes. and we know he wanted to believe in it#we know it was important to him that that possibility of being friends existed because he asks us not to ruin it for his alt timeline selves#i don't think he's saying he sympathized with us to change our minds at that point. i think mostly her just fucking angry#and bitter. and disillusioned. and at the end of his rope.#but yeah everywhere else?#with everyone else? no way he opens up about it lmai#i don't think he ever even tells toriel about it and I've got a story where they have a fucking kid and everything#he's that reserved. but mostly i think he just doesn't want to linger on the past anymore and takes what meager happiness life throws at him#answered asks#oh well play the cards I'm given. you know how it is#sans#metanalysis#undertale#papyrus
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gonna get a little corny, but i was sitting and talking about how lost and horrible every all-encompassing everything in the world is, and i said, "it's always going to be hard so my choices are to either find the joy in the turbulence or just give in and quit" and i think it just reminded me we fight for the things that matter to us and that life will be hard and it will always be hard but sometimes you need to find the delights and the joy and the laughter where you can.
#idk i think sometimes we need to carve out our own happiness even if we're a little miserable in places#like yeah everything is so stressful but i made someone laugh today#the weather was so nice today i found a new pinecone my fern is growing#idk i usually shitpost but i reach enlightenment when i've been awake long enough#rambles#thank god i'm not a psych major anymore#i have never had it in me to be angry or quit on things and i don't plan on starting now it just takes a bit of a spiral to remember that
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Been thinking about Miss Redheart again......
#audrey#audrey redheart#audrey wandersong#wandersong audrey#wandersong#fanart#my art#friend just played ws for the first time#(WAVESS IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS HIIIIII!!!!)#so she is VERY SUDDENLY on the brain.... oh miss Redheart.....#My greatest weakness.......#I'm too silly about her smug smile I almost never draw her angry anymore so I'm CHANGING THAT !!!!#hell yeah
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guys
imma be real, i think i need to just. stop working on the big oc posts for now-
#after kinda crashing out last night (like i was literally too angry to write) i've kinda realized that uh.#i'm doing that thing again. that thing i do where i force myself into drawing/writing something i just don't have the motivation for rn#and even when it just isn't working i keep trying to force it#and yknow#that's just gonna lead to a bad final product. so i'm gonna not!#i have so many designs and stupid doodles i want to do but haven't because i feel like i have to work on the takoshi post#but don't really want to so i just end up playing hsr or balatro instead and get nothing done#so yeah. i wanna try and not do that anymore#i'm not scrapping the whole thing or anything (i've put way too much time and care into it for that lmao) but just. don't expect it anytime#soon.#i wanna wait to post it until it's ready and i also wanna have the masumii post done at the same time#and tbh now that i know seperating shit out isn't really gonna work i'm probably gonna rewrite the whole thing too#because it's kinda a mess rn. and i want it to be better but i just can't write it atm#anyways! yeah expect more stupid bs. or not! or whatever the fuck i feel like doing#because my ass is definitely burnt out oops!#ok that's it bye
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It's that time again where a random song makes me think of a wof character, this time it's Homesick by Noah Kahan with Flame
Do what you want with that information
#idk. just how the song is about hating where you're stuck but still feeling unable to leave no matter how much you hate that place#yeah I'm probably projecting but I feel that since he got so used living with the talons that he doesn't know what to do with himself now-#that he's not needed to act as backup anymore#that plus I feel the song's sad yet angry energy captures him well#wof#wings of fire#flame wof#phoenix rereads wof#might come back to this when I have a refresher on all the flame stuff but yeah. there you go#random song relation time
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#tag talk#social anxiety is so much worse to deal with when only half of you is anxious because you never know when it'll happen#like. R is not anxious at all. she loves being around people and since we came out she's not scared anymore#but me on the other hand? being around people is a nightmare. agoraphobic for sure.#I wanted to go running again cause we woke up at six again. but the thought of going outside and being perceived? terrifying.#maybe I need to practice getting R to front. we're used to thinking of L as the defensive front but if R's sociability is the best strategy#then she would be the strongest front to present.#the problem is I've tried that and it just results in me feeling even more sullen and anxious because I feel dragged into things then.#because going out on public even with friends still makes me feel anxious and angry and generally annoyed.#ugh I'm so tired of being unpredictably two different people.#if I were just L all the time I could embrace that and find workarounds to these issues. but they hit me so unpredictably#so I don't have the reliability to trust. so my strategy is usually just 'wait until you change into someone without those problems'#because whatever issue I have can usually be fixed by the other half of me.#scared of upsetting people? turn into L. scared of socializing? turn into R. scared of doing tasks? turn into L.#it's also wild because when we're L we shift into a morning person. and R is definitely a night owl#so waking up at five am to go out and read a book on the couch is so great as L but staying up all night reading is R's sweet spot.#idk. I'm so tired of bouncing so much between these two people#and I'm beginning to suspect that we have different food preferences as well. which is.. frustrating#I wish it were as easy as going 'oh duh I'm making this up in my own head' and just stopping#like. yeah it's all in my head unfortunately that's where my sense of identity is too.
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#thoughts#personal#mental health tw#it's complicated because I both want to address how fucking unhinged I very publically am at the moment#for which I am sorry if you have noticed#and also Not do that and pretend my weirdass behavior flies under the radar and I am being So Very Normal Right Now#which I feel we are past that point but also maybe who cares I don't think people notice but You Know#you get in the thought loop and then it's over#I used to have a private twitter to have weird meltdowns full of me immediately deleting everything I posted#and then I went “wow!! this is not happening anymore!! look at me being an adult about it!!”#and uhh lol#I didn't want it to happen here it's very humiliating to know you are Like This and not being able to affect it much#this too shall pass I suppose#normal posting (???) will resume shortly#I just get super manic when I have mental health cocktails like this + my brain Will Not let me sleep and I need to distract myself#all I want to say is: I'll be normal again at some point probably#it was on slow cook since maybe 9 months and baby it's here now#I'm supposed to go to my first industry event RIGHT after a very very tense burial and I'm already so disheveled like girl what#I'm so going to begin screaming at an industry legend for no reason and then immediately lock myself in a bathroom#anyway. common sense and self control will be back soon#and there are good chances I'll delete this post too at some point!! but. yeah.#it is what it is tm#hope you are as okay as could be#and if not all the courage and strength your way#sending many angry blue ganonpigs your way too. hope that helps! somehow!
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Spoilers for Mrs de Winter by Susan Hill!
Okay but this book has so much fucking fic material. Like. Imagine Ich finding out she's pregnant AFTER Maxim dies. And having to raise the fucking kid all by herself UNLESS someone comes her way and helps her with that (cough cough Danny maybe?) And having to restart her life for like the third time. Damn.
#would be kind of depressing but also#i feel like after some time she would actually feel somehow relieved#like she wouldn't have to worry about making him angry anymore and wouldn't have that much tension anymore#though it's very possible that the roumors of Maxim being the killer become stronger after he commits#unless they make it seem like an accident#anyway yeah give me preg widow narrator danvich fic or give me death#when I'm done with mama's boy ya'll know what's coming#crying bc my girl Bee won't be there to see her nephew though#rebecca#daphne du maurier#rebecca das musical#mrs danvers#ich#mrs de winter#maxim de winter#susan hill#fanfiction
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Stupid School related vent
Look objectively speaking this has been a good school year.
Good classmates(except when they were indefensible w the teachers)
Good teachers (except when they acted like whiny children. Idc if they were good to me I speak objectively and generally)
Best grades I've ever achieved
But honestly I am not happy, we did too many useless things, we lost many hours to things our teachers were forced to make us do because the program said so...
I am now making notes and studying alone things we didn't do but they're gonna ask me at my exam.
I haven't studied certain artistic movements, artists and important paintings because our art history teacher was... hhhhrn bad.
Some important authors were skipped
Some historical periods of time just barely mentioned or were explained superficially.
Some philosophers skipped or explained badly.
No, it's not a pretty picture and most of it wasn't our or our teachers' fault. I am not blaming anyone but the school system that now more than ever I am convinced is deeply flawed.
I am going to do my final exam and get my final grade that will determine my "worth". 5 years of work but 5 days are gonna determine 60% of my final grade.
I know whatever happens the grade is gonna be good because I already have 80/100 and if I get 20/20 at the final exam it's gonna be 100/100. And frankly it's not that hard.
I don't even care if something happens and I'm gonna guck up, I'm gonna give my best because I care and I want to be proud of myself when I'm gonna look back at this time of my life.
But I am not happy because I feel like whatever I did and I was taught wasn't enough. I don't care if the final grade is gonna be good, I am still not happy about my own level of education.
I mean, I am happy for myself, i did my best and had my kind of fair "reward" for my efforts... I'm simply not satisfied
#steel rambles#honestly speaking it's stupid#but idk thinking about this exam i feel empty#90% of my peers feel anxious or nervous or scared... idk i just really don't care anymore#and I'm sad about it because i want to care#and to a degree i still do#but it's just...#it's like middle-school all over again#like it's different. I'm in a different head space and all#but it's the same emptiness that looks like confidence/standoffishness from the outside#i was tired and wanted to get shit done in middle school#i am tired and want to get shit done now#and i can't even complain about it to my classmates or my friends because they all say#“oh shut up you have it easy you have such a good grade etc etc”#okay sure but still it's not the grade that bothers me it's my fucking level of education and my feelings towards the school system#and i worked my ass off for that grade. no one is gonna give me back all the time i wasted crying over my notes and books and documents#and it's because of this that i am angry. because it doesn't feel worth it.#so yeah stuff maybe it's just my evening induced melancholy and maybe tomorrow I'm gonna look at this and say#“duuuuuude shut fhe fuck up come on”#which is fair#but as of now it all feels unsatisfactory i guess lol
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Two Truths and a Lie: River will eat anything that isn't tied down and uncooked. River loves to travel by boat. River's favorite color is brown.
Oh hell, which was the right answer here? Khare pursed her lips as she pondered River's question. It was the first time in a while that she'd seen the other woman come back to the diner which was nice, Khare was glad to see her again but she couldn't quite put a finger on what felt off. River seemed to be well fortunately, other than... was that a limp? No, River seemed fine, and there was a bit of a lull right now in the flow of customers so it was nice to catch up, even play a game or two. Khare realized at this moment she didn't know diddly squat about River and the more time that passed, the more it became apparent. Still, that didn't mean she didn't want to try and River had always been kind to her even if maybe gave her a bit of a side eye when being seated. Did River like to travel by boat? It would be punny if she did, being named River and all but Khare didn't think that was the right answer. One time they met outside the diner, it was by Gotham Bay and River looked positively antsy. It wasn't so bad once you got past the smell, but maybe she liked bodies of water elsewhere? "I'm going with that you're not a fan of travelling on boats. That's not to say you eat like a dumpster though," Khare added quickly when she remembered the first of the three statements. Would she really eat anything that wasn't tied down and uncooked? She did look like she worked out... a lot, so Khare brightened, raising a finger knowingly. "But I understand! you must work out a lot to keep such a great figure, so that means... brown's your favourite colour? Funny, I could have sworn it was red..." She didn't know why she thought that, it just didn't seem like brown was a favourite colour of many people. Maybe back in the 70's perhaps, but River was her age or younger... wasn't she? Jerry's voice hollered from the kitchens stating River's breakfast was ready to collect so Khare jumped up to grab it, setting the still-sizzling plate of delicious meat before her customer. Something tasty that was most certainly cooked, as it should be.
#red-hemlock#I just remembered suddenly there might have been an issue with what Khare did before ratting River out that one time#I'm PRETTY sure River was all dressed up at the time so didn't even realize it was her#River she swears she didn't want to tell the cops but had to#She doesn't want to talk to them anymore than you what with being an illegal immigrant#But this was fun to answer thank you!!!#I'm so angry tumblr nearly lost this post bc it signed me out randomly#But I saved it!! So all's well!#But yeah her answer was that despite her name River DOESN'T like travelling on boats!#bc water ya'll
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Me and my stupid ass jealousy problems
#➳ the fool speaks#I'm not even angry i just like bullying the shit out of someone i used to know and very thankfully don't have in my life anymore#never liked them. literally never. i thought i did at one point but that was my brain trying to compensate the heartbreak of people i#Actually liked liking them. yeah
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i'm really fucking done with entitled ass men today
#exhibit a: man sitting next to me on my first train this morning who i thought was just manspreading and i kept moving up#until I realised he was rubbing his thigh against mine on purpose#exhibit b: smiled at a man's dog. man looked me up and down and called me a sexy girl and then laughed when I started walking faster#exhibit c: waiting for friend outside restaurant reading about north korean defectors as you do#guy gets in my face asking my name and complimenting me and tbf he did actually apologise and back off when he saw I was uncomfortable#and like. I try not to complain about this shit too much.#but all this happened in the space of ONE DAY#during eight hours of which I did not leave my place of work#it's not a compliment#it's scary and I still don't know how to handle it#and like I can laugh it off a lot of the time but I feel really angry about exhibit a tonight especially#on the plus side I had a lovely meal with an old friend#and my boss said nice things to me that made me cry but like happy cry#but yeah#the conversation around street harassment feels quiet at the moment#I'm tired of hearing that it doesn't happen anymore#it's still relentless
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#tag talk#hey bitches. she's afk so mom said it's my turn with the body. feels good to be back. I hate half of you parasites and I'm blocking some#same with Instagram. bunch of fucking drones posting shitty memes and sending the most unfunny jokes possible. blocking most of you there#started the process of sorting some things out with her girlfriend because damn some things are unacceptable and you've gotta say something.#she gets to do the soft and useless damage control later I guess I don't fucking care. I'm not going to let us get disrespected like that.#she lets it slide but I'm done taking shit.#sent an angry email to our therapist last night as well because fucking hell how can you be so incompetent at your fucking job.#Jesus h Christ didn't you study this in school or something? yeah we've gone through multiple therapists sorry that makes you insecure???#you're not the first and from the looks of things you're not going to be the last either.#saw the psychiatrist this morning and bipolar confirmed I guess. we'll see whether the new meds make much of a difference.#I kind of don't want them to though. I like being out and finally able to sort our shit out.#feels good to finally message people and tell them how I feel. I don't get a voice much anymore#and ugh I hate having long hair so much but I have to keep it because she needs it so I'll put up with it for her sake but damn I miss short#short hair was genuinely so fucking good and the hassle of long hair is so stupidly intensive but gender dysphoria so whatever I guess#anyway bye you mouth breathers I'm off to go get this stupid-ass body showered#I hate having a penis too though. that's one thing we can both agree on. it's so stupid and it hangs out and the shape is so stupid#God should take constructive criticism and also mean criticism because I have some opinions about how shitty his design is#anyway. bye idiots#Fade is such a fucking good band they were such a good pick for the Deadman Wonderland op
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to feel sad about never writing poetry anymore while also knowing that writing poetry was a reprieve from dark times and thoughts, y'know?
#like yeah i miss it as the comfort it was#but i dont need a comfort like that rn#im in a better place#its strange to think about#bc like yeah poetry was fun and nice and a way to get everything out when i was sad and angry and miserable with life#but it was always creating from that sadness and anger and miserableness#even happier poems were made from longing rather than experiencing#and now i dont write poetry all that often anymore#i dont necessarily need that comfort all that often and isnt that great#isnt it great that im at a place where those quote unquote bad feelings do not come around as often#but am i doing that because i'm feeling those less or because im feeling less emotion in general#idk somethings been rattling around#about how i dont have the energy or motivation to do anything creative anymore or even critically analyze anything really#and i kindve miss it#life is all about missing college english classes really#if you think about it#k mumbles#brought to you by the destiel fanfic i was recommended on tiktok#by berk to be fair so its gonna be good#but i wasnt expecting it to hit as much as it does rn#writing#poetry#icaruspendragon#aka berk#you absolute animal#i just finished reading the fic and i posted this before chapter 7 and now im dying#destiel#and this your living kiss#opal_bullets#thats the fic and author btw
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