#andromeda: post shift

[lionessevans]

When Lily had first began training as a mediwitch, she had found it easy to leave her work at St. Mungo's. It was rare that she felt the weight of her day of work at home. But now, she could feel the lines blurring. She thought about work often. She thought about the things that she saw and the people she couldn't help even moreso. "That sounds nice," Lily agreed with a smile, "I'm glad that they make things better." James and her friends did the same for Lily. Whether they knew it or not. "Of course and I'm here for you as well. For whatever you need. To talk. To vent. A babysitter. I can do all the things," Lily replied with a grin.

Andromeda was only glad to know that she wasn't the only one struggling. She did her best not to take the day home with her, to leave her work there. But it was difficult to forget what one saw at any point, and to not worry for Ted and Dora. She laughed softly as Lily mentioned her daughter, shaking her head. "Truthfully going home to her and Ted give me more energy. Their happiness and energy is always contagious." If she were to go home to nothing it would be far worse. They were able to distract her, bring her peace. She can only nod as Lily agrees that it will get worse. "If you ever need anything, even if it's just someone to talk to at the end of the day. You know where to find me." She assured her with a smile. "In these times I think it's important we check in on each other."

[scribeofmorpheus]

Dragon Age Veilguard: Love, Wisdom and Pride

A very long Dragon Age post!

Warnings for: Veilguard Spoilers, Solavellan spoilers.

Okay, so I will preface this by saying that this ‘analysis’ primarily focuses on Solas’ arc; both romanced and unromanced. It isn’t intended to be a romanticised analysis, though it is very much enamoured with how a romanced Solas and his relationship with Lavellan foils (and informs my reading/reception of) that of Solas and Mythal’s relationship in Veilguard. There is a relationship I will address that I feel does parallel Solas and Mythal! Scroll down to “Reading Between the Lines” if you wanna skip my little intro below. Spoilers follow.

Truth be told, I wasn’t ever expecting much in terms of actually getting a sequel to Inquisition. The game dev market went through a tumultuous reshuffle before the remake madness breathed life back into many studios. Bioware game sequels (Mass Effect Andromeda) were underwhelming and not as fleshed out since the EA acquisition. I absolutely believe Bioware would have been shunted had Mass Effect Legendary Edition not been so successful. EA’s reputation was always lacklustre and underhanded, but laying off or losing several head writers attached to Bioware with almost two decades of work under their belts was the biggest red flag. Trevor Morris not being asked to return in exchange for a ‘bigger name’ was also a grave warning that returning to the atmosphere, ambience and world of Thedas that we knew was getting further and further away from a plausible reality. And on top of that, there’s the fact Solas was never intended as a romance interest during early development of Inquisition.

Solavellan seemed doomed!

Despite this, I still held out hope for a sequel, but I feared we’d always be in permanent Solavellan/developmental hell. Heck, I’m still waiting for a Beyond Good and Evil sequel—the game released in 2003! So, actually witnessing people play Veilguard, seeing reactions to it, seeing memes and gifs and essay pieces (like this one), it’s like my community has awoken again, and I never thought I’d see the day. Yet I am not blind to the fact we were robbed of so much potential. I knew thing’s wouldn’t live up to re-emerging expectations when Dragon Age: Dreadwolf was rebranded to Veilguard—the shift seemed to imply less of a primary focus on Solas (and apparently, according to the artbook, the early concept art proves this implication correct).

Things seemed even more dire when the devs revealed there was no tapestry mechanic. I had only one hope: that with the Inquisitor’s confirmed return, we’d get at least some form of catharsis for our Inquisitors (Lavellans and otherwise), if we couldn’t get the conclusions to so many storylines present in each of our worldstates. My main fear was that they’d go the clichéd Ultimate Sacrifice route (which happens anyway, but in a way that makes thematic sense given the stakes and heavily blighted worldstate).

Suffice it to say, there was a lot of evidence that Veilguard would disappoint me in the end. But it hasn’t. It hasn’t lived up to the many expectations and marks of excellence that the Dragon Age world built itself into with the first three entries, that’s for sure, but I am also just so deprived of conclusions, of endings (whether it be because TV doesn’t exist in a sustainable format anymore or that comicbook movies are made with a sequel in mind, never letting anything just “Exit Stage Left” gracefully; or the fact we live in a regurgitating content cycle with late-stage-capitalism where anything remotely profitable gets turned into a caricature of itself: Squid Game, Star Wars, etc.). The cycle is so exhaustive that I am actually at a point where I can say I am content with the ending we were given (on a Solas/Solavellan front), Veilguard gave me relief, and beautiful, achy pain to boot. Though I would absolutely be disappointed by both the "non-romanced Solas" endings, given that Solas winds up either "dying alone, forever" or turns to Tyranny.

Now onto the actual review of that Solavellan ending, Mythal and themes of Love!

Note: I have only gotten the ‘best’ ending in my first playthrough, but I also thought the consequences of not maxing factions would be more… dire? Another note, pls, if your romanced Inky swore to stop Solas, how does that ending differ, if at all? Let me know, I’m dying here!

Sidenote: I’m working on writing another review about my views on the ‘sanitised’ worldstate, the new companions (and why I think Varric was the wrong choice to have as an advisor in the game, given that the Inquisitor or Morrigan would have been more impactful; and not to mention that Cole or Briala should have been companions), removal of the tapestry and what it means for the future of stories in Thedas (The Story We Lost is such a poignant compilation of the sheer volumes of lost lore and depth that I honestly think I won’t go as in-depth on that review as this one), and why I think Veilguard is my final entry into Dragon Age.

Reading Between the Lines: What Pride Hath Wrought

One thing is for sure, Trick Weekes flourishes when writing within the ambiguities and complexities of meaning. This makes every word uttered by Solas so great to dissect, he's a god of lies not because he 'lies' but because he's so careful with how he phrases things, what he holds back, and what he reveals.

For instance, the famous Trespasser exchange where Solas mocks his own follies with sarcasm by saying:

“What is the old Dalish curse? May the Dread Wolf Take you.”

Then a softer, more saddened and beaten-down Lavellan replies:

“And so he did.”

This irks him. Because he then realises in that moment that he absolutely did take advantage, but for some reason he frames it around sex rather than power because that’s easier to address than the latter. And he rejects the notion, even though he brought up the expression he knows to mean nothing close to a sexual inuendo for being ‘taken’, and yet he has the gall to try and derail the conversation by pivoting and saying:

“I would not lay with you under false pretences.”

When I first had this dialogue exchange, I was baffled, because did this mean that there was another meaning to ‘Dread Wolf take you’ that Dalish clans lost through the years, or was it more of a self-deprecating joke Solas had with himself because he, the Dread Wolf, romanced (took) a Dalish Inquisitor (away from her people’s beliefs, histories, past), and he found irony in the saying?

On the surface, “wouldn’t lay with you under false pretences” could simply mean “we didn’t sleep together” or “we did sleep together, but I wasn’t taking advantage as the Dread Wolf, I was simply Solas in your presence”. But I have recently thought of a more… ambiguous reading.  Lay could have been used in a milder, more vulnerable way; to mean to be at peace, to be completely vulnerable, as if to sleep. In that sense, the phrasing becomes: “I could not be at peace with you because I was living a half-truth”.

I absolutely think the moment he feels he is truly beyond hope is when we see his expression of abject horror as Lavellan shouts: “I would have had you trust me!”. He realises then that he did fuck up, he did take the choice away from her because he thought he knew better, him and his pride led to a decision that hurt someone close to him, and he could finally see how wrong he was, how alike the entire situation became to Mythal’s treatment of him. Especially if Lavellan asks to go with him. Because he can see that despite the hurt, the lies and the betrayal on his part, Lavellan still wishing to join him draws too close to his first regret: following Mythal.

Whether he likes it or not, Solas’ love which could burn like a bonfire was directed at a powerful woman—a Herald, an Inquisitor—and inspite of her greatness of character, it still shaped her into someone willing to follow him on his dinanshiral out of love, much like he left the Fade and took physical form for Mythal. So now whenever I hear Lavellan shout “Var lath vir suledin”, Solas replying with “I wish it could, Vhenan,” changes drastically with the Mythal reveal, knowing he always walks away from the Inquisitor in Trespasser.

“I wish it could, Vhenan” sounds heavily like: “You would regret me, as I regret Mythal, and I cannot bear for that to happen us.” More poetically, it could read as: “I wish our love could overcome a duty that has lasted an incomprehensible amount of time, I wish I could change my nature, but then I’d be twisted into a demon, like the spirit of Wisdom in the Dales; and yet again, I would become your regret.” These two readings are very, very romantic. Realistically, given what we know of his kinship with Felassan, and how they were comrades and friends for centuries (“A story unfinished. His back turned!”), and given what we know of the complexity of Mythal’s will that presides over the creation of his very being, and yet he was still able to muster the strength to kill a fragment of her to fulfil his mission,  “I wish it could” was most probably a lament: “Do not ask me to hurt one of the two women I’ve loved on this journey, because if it ever came to it…” he would.

Knowing what I know of Solas, of how he was able to convince himself that Varric’s death (avoidable as it was) was just another necessary step, that it was just another sacrifice, another loss that would be worth something only if he completed his ritual, I have no doubt that Solas would also be able to rationalise hurting Lavellan (which is why in his mind, turning away from her, breaking her heart, leaving with no explanation and aiding her in Trespasser so she could live whatever few years remained in “relative peace” is actually an act of preserving that love). I partially think the reason he reveals the truth in Trespasser (especially for a romanced Lavellan) is in the hopes his ‘truths’ will push her away. But on a deeper note, I think he also thinks of it as some twisted form of repaying her for loving him to the point that he could have almost forgotten what it was to be the Dread Wolf, to just be with her as Solas, that night at Crestwood. Maybe his harsh truths would push her to the point where she’d give up her love for Solas, now that she knew he was the Dread Wolf, freeing her from the shackles of their love. He’s very self-flagellating, all about self-sacrifice for the ultimate goal, the ends always justify the means, he will endure any pain and punishment as long as Arlathan returns in the end.

What is his love of a mortal compared to the despair and loss of an entire empire? Solas views himself as selfish for falling for her, and that nearly broke him, if he was selfish enough to leave the dream of Arlathan behind for her, what would that do to his spirit then?

In his way of thinking, perhaps telling the Inquisitor the truth is a way out, a rationale they can use to justify stopping him or to make it easier to hate him as the Dread Wolf rather than love him as Solas (someone he hasn’t been in so long).

‘Masking’ as the Dread Wolf

During Trespasser, the Inquisitor has every right to despise Solas after all they’ve learned, and I think he half reveals the truth as a tactic so the Inquisitor can have an excuse to hate him, to be driven to anger and have less pull over his choices, once they learn the truth. Solas is particularly skilled at making other’s play the role that makes his own choices seem inevitable, he orchestrates a lot of events to play out in a manner where it's easier for him to talk himself into bringing down the veil.

He goads Elgar’nan to anger easily. He inspires the spirits to fight for him to the death as a necessary distraction during the war. He absolutely allows the Inquisitor to speak to him one last time so he can offer insight, yes, but also so he can easily frame his actions as just and inevitable. But, Oh boy does he get in for a shock if the Inquisitor shows empathy towards him, it scares him because he’s become accustomed to being seen only as the Dread Wolf. To be understood? That gives way to remorse. And remorse gives way to doubt. And he cannot doubt his purpose, twisted as it is, it is all he has left of his former self. Without it he would most likely change into something different. Someone he doesn’t recognise.

This fear intensifies more so if a romanced Lavellan asks to go with him, and in that case, he takes command and distances himself away (rejecting the help of someone close to him; the chance for a possible betrayal; the chance at another Felassan or Mythal [x]; the chance to twist Lavellan outside of her purpose, in this case, the purpose would be love/empathy) but not without showing remorse at having sacrificed yet another relationship for his crusade.

“Ir abelas.”

Sorrow for what cannot be is at the heart of why the Solavellan romance is so powerful, especially because even though both Solas and Lavellan love each other passionately, love alone cannot be enough when faced with regrets. Love would ultimately be stifled. Corrupted into something else over time. And so, for Solas, having loved and lost tragically is better than having loved and corrupted.

He will not do to Lavellan what was done to him, even if it is her choice, because she knows so little, her naivete cannot close the distance of a millenia’s old sea, and it would hurt him immensely to take advantage of her kind heart [x].

By leaving, he keeps her heart pure. And the yearning! Knowing the love is there, but on its own it cannot be invulnerable to corruption, so it is better to lose it than twist it. Ugh! Him leaving Lavellan is the ultimate show of love! IT IS A WISE DECISION. A rare glimpse into pure wisdom. Which is why he kneels beside Lavellan in Trespasser, he does not “Stand Tall” in the face of Wisdom’s heart. He kneels beside her. And when he stands tall again, he is Solas once more, filled with regret, and once through the eluvian, he returns to masking as the Dread Wolf.

Sidenote: It’s especially confounding that Veilguard allows Rook to push the Inquisitor to save or stop him after you’ve reached act 2 despite your world state choice (I think this was done in case they feared the Inquisitor wouldn’t stand by Solas after everything he was revealed to be responsible for in Veilguard, however it doesn’t work because the Inquisitor wasn’t an advisor, Rook never told them what they learned from the wolf statues, so having a stranger hold the ability to make Lavellan keep her promise or not rings hollow). Personally, I wish the Inquisitor’s presence had more weight in the non-Solavellan endings, too. I wish the Inquisitor could end up being the last friend/former love that Solas destroys (if you don’t collect the wolf statues) which then prompts Rook to fight him because Solas’ last tie to empathy failed to redeem him, that the Inquisitor falling is the last straw and Solas snaps, choosing to be a villain in the hopes of being stopped because he can’t stop himself, and not the ‘I am a God’ ending they gave us. Same for if your Inquisitor vows to stop him. I also wish the Inquisitor was the one to do the wolf statue missions. Would have been a nice secondary protagonist mission like the switching perspectives between Kratos and Atreus in GOW: Ragnarök (the old guard and the new; Inquisitor and Rook). I would have loved if they dedicated more dialogue to Inquisition days too, which is why I think Cole should have been a companion (if he wasn’t recruited, he could simply be a compassion spirit that ‘follows’ the greatest pain in the Fade that yearns to be healed, giving a compassionate viewpoint to Solas’ folly; recruited Spirit Cole could have a greater connection to Solas than even Varric, seeing as Cole was most likely a literal representation of Solas rewriting his own history by preventing a spirit from becoming too ‘real’; Human Cole would have a deeper connection to the world of Thedas, and could have been a great tool to prove how change was inevitable, not always a bad thing, and inevitably out of even Solas’ control. But alas, we live with what we are given! Even Imshael could have served in this role! Spirit/Demon of choice and it wasn’t incorporated into the game that supposedly asks you to make the greatest world-changing choice ever; redeem the Dread Wolf or end the age of the Evanuris entirely?!

Now onto the next segment: I want to talk about Solas’ regrets and how I read the ‘love story’ between Solas and Mythal, and why Lavellan (and what she represented) wasn’t enough to get through to him (and that’s a very believable thing, that’s what makes their love both tragic and epic!).

The High Price of Redemption

A romanced Lavellan has the most agency to see through his guises, if she resolves to save him, but even she cannot undo the shackles that still bind him to Mythal—the binds that twisted Wisdom so far from its purpose it became Pride, even when he burned (Mythal) from his face. (Likewise, A close friend Inquisitor who promises to save him is most likely a parallel to Felassan, again, they cannot undo the shackles of regret either.) I fully believe the vallaslin had a deeper magic than simply marking one as being committed/devoted to an Evanuris, I think it linked them magically, and since Solas was the first to burn the vallaslin away, he probably wasn’t as good at severing the link on himself as he was for other elvhen, so maybe a part of Mythal’s will still lingers in him, twisting him to Pride still.

In Veilguard’s final confrontation, I love the intention of showing how Lavellan approaches Solas slowly, as she doesn’t know who she’ll be faced with up those steps, Dread Wolf or Solas. But when she speaks to him, trying to get him to change his mind yet again, forgiving him for his wrongs, we are reassured that Wisdom hasn’t been completely consumed by Pride despite everything we’ve witnessed in the game because he bows his head at her in reverence as he apologises.

He shows humility towards her. He elevates her and her enduring love as worthy of his respect, but he does not consider himself worthy of hers. Thus, Lavellan pries open the door to acceptance but his heart is still not enough. Which is why love alone cannot turn the tide. He’s too broken to accept it. He doesn’t think he deserves it, so the only way out is through; to continue the ritual, to prove he was right. The shackles persist. Varric’s death weighs on his conscience now more than ever. Possibly members of Rook’s team too if they died on his crusade. But he is vulnerable enough for Morrigan to approach, and now Rook can use Mythal’s essence to make the final push. The only way he could be with Lavellan, the only way he could atone for the past and shed the weight of his armour (his crushing duty to the Elvhenan) is as Wisdom, fully restored, unbound by mistakes.

“Ar lasa mala revas.” He could only find absolution once Mythal (the angered and more brash essence of Mythal, the one unchanged by Flemeth and all the human women’s lives she’s been shaped by, but the closest iteration to that of Mythal in Arlathan, the version that he perceives as having every right to be angry at him for turning his back on her, for not going that last final stretch with her and subsequently, not being by her side when she died) severed the final connection: facing his regrets, showing humility and apologizing, while not taking away the blame but sharing it.

What is Benevolence without Wisdom if not Hubris?

We know Elgar’nan was twisted to Tyranny during the war, and I saw a post somewhere where someone wondered what led to his corruption, and what he was before (leadership/command). Likewise, Mythal was not above corruption.

So far, I’ve seen a lot of takes on Solas’ ties to Mythal, the power dynamic of being a student/disciple enamoured (could be romantic) with the benevolence of Mythal, but not how Mythal’s purpose was possibly also twisted towards hubris the moment she asked Wisdom to turn physical and build weapons from its knowledge, twisting it to Pride. Without Elgar’nan’s tyranny to rally against after the war with the Titans, Mythal would most likely turn a similar route, seeing her ruling as “necessary” for the people: “If not me then who?”. And that is a very short stop and quick drop to “I am your all-powerful ruler, I liberated you, and only I can guide the way”. Benevolence twisted by hubris can easily turn to Tyranny too, only one more subtle, a kind of cultish indoctrination compared to violent subjugation. If Solas had not turned his back on Mythal when she chose to be Evanuris (a god over her people) then they most likely would have made the worst (best) pair in the Evanuris. Pride is the Seventh Deadliest Sin. But imagine Pride next to Godhood?! That is frightening. So, when Solas burns the vallaslin, walks away and works against the Evanuris, I believe that he also inadvertently stops Mythal from becoming a corrupted version of herself. The sorrow at having lost her closest confidant and “love” grounds her, keeps her saintly in Solas’ mind, and in some ways, perhaps saves the Elvhen empire from a worse fate than him erecting the veil to begin with. But neither of them ever consider this. And I think that sort of self-blindness perfectly encapsulates how flawed both Mythal and Solas are. Now onto love.

Solas and Mythal – a Love too complex to simply classify as mortal ‘Love’.

There’s no doubt Mythal and Solas shared a deep bond, one that definitely had love in it, when we hear Mythal calling him ‘love’, without the possessive ‘my’ in front of it, it’s easy to misconstrue what type of love they share. A small nitpick, but like a thorn, it applies sometimes just enough pressure to change a perspective. Not calling Solas “My love” but instead choosing to simply use “love” works within those wonderful ambiguities/complexities that Weekes thrives in.

If one started out as a spirit, it’s safe to say concepts like familial bonds, romantic bonds, and blood ties mean little to nothing. There is no one type of love and there is every kind of love all at once. It is only once physical bodies are introduced, that physical touch, the ability to stab someone in the back, to kiss out of affection, to hug out of empathy, to strike out of anger, that love now becomes this twisted thing too. There are no spirits of love because spirits always possessed love, but there are demons of Desire (Gluttony) and of Rage (love denied).

I believe, from GDL’s acting skills, his soft whisper, his almost submissive smallness in the breadth of Mythal’s already soft voice, that Solas was in love with Mythal, devoted as a student, beguiled by her benevolence, content even in her shadow, and possibly star-struck. He was in love with someone who doesn’t have the possibility to love him back the same, it is not in her nature to love those beneath her in the same intensity that those who look up to her do. It’s like a priest being in love with God. The priest can devote themselves, sacrifice everything, but a God will always love their flock equally, but they can still play favourites.

Benevolence cannot be enamoured with Wisdom because to be truly benevolent they must possess Wisdom but there is also Pride to be had in walking beside benevolence, but they can never be on equal footing. Likewise, Solas’ love is not reciprocated entirely by Mythal, but she does love him back in her own way. While Mythal is definetly Solas’ first love, layered and complex, it is also strangled by regrets and twisted by uneven scales of power. It would never be a nurturing love, only a consuming kind.

When he speaks of Mythal during the Solavellan ending, he calls her his “oldest friend”, much like what Mythal says, (paraphrasing) “would you have me be angry at my oldest companion whose experienced so much with me”. Because friendship is perhaps the easiest way to describe their companionship. They went through many iterations, one certainly holding romantic tensions (specifically from younger Solas), but ultimately, with that much time shared, kinship/friendship becomes the easiest to surmise. You can love your friends, fall in love with them, fall out of love with them, only to love them again, be disappointed in them, etc.

Media today is flushed with romance as a linchpin for driving a hero to make dire choices, and that has warped our perception of how a platonic/non-romance-based relationship can be all-consuming, and sometimes more impassioned than strict romance. But, to make it easier for people to understand Solas’ motivations, it's easier to see their love in the light Taash sees it (an unreliable, somewhat “still juvenile” narrator, in that they are still growing into themselves and their culture and the world): “They were doing it”.

However, Bellara, a companion whose entire companion story is linked to her strong, deeply character-driving relationship with her brother (platonic love) refutes that reading by saying (paraphrasing here): “We don’t know if their ‘love’ is the same type of love we tend to think of in a masculine and feminine relationship.”

Felassan’s letter after the Mythal Dragon fight alludes to Solas having been in love with Mythal, but nothing about how she felt. This is why I consider the Solas/Mythal relationship to be more of a one-sided romantic love, but a requited ‘love’ relationship for them both.  

A parallel I find so compelling: Solas and Mythal vs Briala and Celene. Solas and Briala both hold deep emotions for people in great power with the ability to end a tyrannical cycle of subjugation, enslavement and classism, yet for both of these ruler’s charisma and well-meaning intent, they often are swayed to side with tyranny. For Mythal, that was Elgarnan, the Evanuris who made all the other’s worse tyrants; as well as her own hubris for believing her presence alone could dampen the ravenous hunger for power that the rest of the Evanuris held at the small prospect of leading the Elvhen in a time of confusion (being a North Star is hard when all the other lights around you aim to blind the flock into submission). For Celene, this is more about the nuances of retaining favour, pull and power over other noble families, their backing (be it financial, political or simply cut-throat), and their support so she can be the ‘lesser of two evils’ compared to Gaspard’s warmongering personality and Florianne simply being a puppet with no backbone. Both Briala and Solas are turned to pawns despite their immense strength and compassion for their respective elven plights; Briala is rendered a fangless lion (for lack of a better metaphor) if she is reunited with Celene, whereas if she is chosen to puppet Gaspard, there’s every likelihood her story could parallel a ‘power-mad’ Solas if he’d been tethered to Rage (at betrayal) and not Regret (at having not rejected Mythal when she asked him to take a physical body) throughout his tenure as the Dread Wolf.

Solas and Lavellan – a Heart that was never intended to be Given/Taken

Now I will compare the lack of possessives in front of Mythal’s “love” to Solas declaring Lavellan as ‘Vhenan’ and then ‘Ar lath, ma Vhenan’ vs ‘Ar lath ma vhenan'; again, the coma is the thorn, the pause that shapes the quiet unsaid things we can deduce. In the Trespasser cutscene DGL puts the pause after “Ar lath”, even though the subtitles construct the sentence with Vhenan as a proper noun since it’s a nickname often used by Solas: “Ar lath ma, Vhenan”. But I believe Solas actually says “Ar lath, ma Vhenan”.

With “Ar lath, ma Vhenan” the stressor is after the pause, so the line reads: “I love [you], my heart.” And with “Ar lath ma, Vhenan” it makes even less structural sense but can be inferred to mean: “I love you, Heart”.  

The possessiveness of “My” is what definitively differentiates the love Solas feels for Lavellan as one more of the romantic side, it is a love of yearning and desire and a wish to have one last good thing that is pure and incorruptible. The one thing he had left to give. His heart. But that does not mean his heart is enough! The rest of him is still bound to the love of Mythal that was twisted through the ages. That changed him. And given how Pride often comes before a fall, I absolutely understand why Solas is actually very brash and ill-considering when he’s romancing Lavellan (“The kiss was ill-considered”/”It would be kinder in the long run”/”I wanted to show you what you mean to me”). He's on a precarious cliff during Inquisition. His first plan failed. He's allowed ancient elvhen magic to fall into a blighted Tevinter magister's hands. Literally everything the Inquisition did could have been for nought if the Mark had fallen to the wrong person. Things could have easily fallen apart for Solas too, so why not indulge in something trifling and fleeting? Execpt it wasn't trifling. Nor was it fleeting. And when he saw that the fall could potentially not happen, that the Inquisitor could do it, save Thedas and retrieve the orb, he was struck by the gravity of his brashness, of letting impulses control him instead of acting according to a plan. But it was too late. They'd both fallen for each other.

Solas didn’t expect to form entanglements within the Inquisition. He was committed. He was angry at the world, “walking through a sea of tranquil”, called flat-ear by the Dalish that later chased him from their village when he proved he was the Dread Wolf. He was despised by people who looked like him. Spirits were constantly being abused and turned into demons. People erected monuments to heroes who slew demons. Mages were caged. Elves were subjugated. The empire fell. Humans razed the lands with their wars and petty squabbles of succession. The darkspawn tainted the land. The dwarves would never dream. Solas awoke to the worst possible fate; in his eyes, it was all his fault.

So when he kisses Lavellan in the Fade, impulsively, he isn’t kissing her there because it is less ‘real’ than if they kissed while she was awake, it makes it so much more real. He’s kissing her in the space where he is most himself. Where he can shed the body he was forced to build and trap himself within, the body of Pride. He is acting on the impulses of an enlivened Wisdom spirit that does not consider tomorrow, for the first time in a long time. It isn’t a long game with Lavellan, like so much of his life has been about always thinking to the future, always considering the outcome, machinating, scheming, the wiles and woes of every trickster god in mythology. It’s being in the moment with her that is all-consuming. It lowers his guard, leaves him vulnerable, and when she enquires about the Fade or spirits or histories, he gets to be useful as pure Wisdom again.

Lavellan challenging him when he first shows animosity or irritation towards the Dalish (a prideful act), and then him being taken aback when she explains that maybe the Dalish could be shown another way (making him consider her words, being given a morsel of wisdom back, reminding him of his old self), these are all small moments where Solas can begin to see springs of hope in the broken world. And that’s terrifying. It means he’s destroying not just himself, but the memory of Mythal and Arlathan too, all for the love of a woman who fell for an apostate.

The best, most genuine unmasking of Solas for me is during Wicked Hearts, when he’s tipsy on wine, has no inhibitions, and revels in the intrigue, the gossip, the dancing, the music (something we now know is important enough to have an entire music room in the Lighthouse), the sex! He is at his most relaxed, and then he asks Lavellan to dance, not caring about how it would look for the “Inquisitor’s serving man, Solas” to be intimate in a fucking Orlesian palace with the Herald of Andraste, right after stopping an assassination attempt! He finds comfort in the world of Thedas at that moment. Something he rarely shows so outright.

When he takes Lavellan to Crestwood to confess, I believe removing her vallaslin wasn’t entirely just for her, it wasn’t just to free her from slave markings or to simply reveal a form of a truth he wanted to tell her, it was to resolve himself of what his first purpose was supposed to be, what she distracted him from. Removing the vallaslin had been something he’d done for the slaves of Arlathan, it was what earned him the mantle of Dread Wolf. When he removes Lavellan’s vallaslin, he resets.

Thedas cannot allow Wisdom to truly exist without fear of corruption to Pride, Thedas the world he was responsible for shaping, literally the Maker of the Veil, and he falls for a woman Heralded as Andraste’s Chosen One, Mythal’s incarnation in the South. The irony. The cruel, cruel irony. The Inquisition is tied to his past, every Andrastian he meets, every Dalish person with vallaslin on their face, every slave or city elf. Tevinter worshiping the dragons that still have the essences of the Old Gods. His heart alone cannot withstand all of the punishing, gruelling, oppressive weight that is Thedas. Even for Lavellan. So he frames their romance as this tragic, short-lived tale that was beautiful but ultimately destined to end. He expects it to pass for her, she’s mortal after all. But he also leaves his heart with her, literally giving her power over the last uncorrupted part of himself. Think Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann at the end of World’s End, but metaphorically. He gives her his heart to safe keep as he goes on a journey that could corrupt a heart, turn it cold and bitter, destroy it.   

Ar lasa mala revas. You are free.

He frees his heart.

Lets it go.

Twice!

So only once he is relinquished of his regrets, once Mythal does the same for him, only then is there “Nothing left except their love”. Because Lavellan still held his heart there was still something left after. Something beyond despair and regret and loss. He had given his heart to her to safekeep. And she did. Lavellan returns his heart to him when he is freed. What Mythal had to break so Solas could heal right again (like a bone), Lavellan casts a splint around so it can be set and heal properly. This is the difference between Mythal’s love and Lavellan’s. Both Mythal’s love and forgiveness broke him, but Lavellan’s love gives him the strength to Stand Tall one last time.

Solas, before Pride alone, as Wisdom (perhaps Solas always meant both Standing Tall and Wisdom, for Wisdom can grant one pride to stand tall for what they believe in), finds contentment with the rare and marvellous spirit that endured (his Vhenan). Wisdom endured because of humanity, something benevolence is beyond.

Bellanaris

When Lavellan offers to go with him, to continue on the dinanshiral that she already considers herself a part of, Solas is legitimately taken aback. His expression is soft yet full of disbelief and awe. He actually stops walking a few frames before Lavellan says this, as if hoping Lavellan would say something to him!

And then she basically proposes to him! “Bellanaris!” I absolutely adore the fact that Lavellan promises them eternity. A vow as sacred as a death right, as protected as an ancient, elvhen, undisturbed burial ground in the face of Orlesian colonialisation. They endured and now they will have an eternity. For once, we have an elvish tale that is not a curse, it is a love story with reunion at its core, where both elves reclaim something precious that was denied them.

Lastly, i am absolutely frothing at the mouth that Solas and Lavellan primarily speak in elvish! And even more feral at the fact Solas does not try to talk her out of joining him (because this sweet talker very well could!). He simply tells her where he is going is terrible. And she shuts that shit down immediately. No repeat of Trespasser. She's standing beside him, the South has all but fallen, whatever ties yet survive are strained, and she has fought the good fight for 8 years. I think the Inquisitor was about ready to leave Thedas behind.

The last decisions Solas makes are of his own volition. Entering the Fade for atonement. Stepping into the Fade with Lavellan (It was confirmed by Weekes that Lavellan’s presence in the Fade prison would fundamentally change it in a way we haven’t seen!). Thanking Rook for giving him one last shot at getting happiness. All his own!

This is the look of a man finally reunited with his wife! So much emotion in ONE frame. God! There’s never been a character like him. A love story like theirs! I’m so happy I got to see this ending. Full circle!

P.S. If you read this far, woah nelly! That’s crayyzeee, so here are some more great pieces: Why it was important for Lavellan to kneel for Solas as he knelt for her in Trespasser in the Solavellan ending [x], and here’s a great deep-dive on Solas as a spirit of Wisdom [x].

[felassan]

Foreword to the Dragon Age: The Veilguard art book.

Text version:

“FOREWORD Dragon Age: The Veilguard was a special project, and so it requires a special art book. More concept art was made for Veilguard than the rest of the Dragon Age series combined (and very likely the Mass Effect trilogy as well). This is one of the surprising advantages of being in some state of development for nearly a decade. To organize this huge collection – and to bring you along on the twists and turns of our journey – we have divided the book into three major eras: post-Inquisition, Joplin, and Veilguard. The post-Inquisition stage includes the earliest work we did from before Inquisition was even out the door until the official sequel was given the code name “Joplin”. This was meant to be the direct sequel, and much of what was planned out during the Joplin years remained relevant to the end. After Joplin was halted to shift the focus to Mass Effect: Andromeda, the project changed course and was given the code name “Morrison”. This live-service version of the game eventually pivoted back to being a single-player experience. Each of these stages had different design requirements, but because we didn’t start from scratch, we had the advantage of building on previous work. Our goal was to create a Dragon Age game that was respectful to the world the fans of the series knew and also a refreshing and exciting addition. We also knew that we were going to realize parts of Thedas that had only been hinted at in previous games. It’s one thing to imagine the Tevinter Imperium; it’s another thing to walk down the streets yourself. Whatever we designed, we tried to stay true to the established lore while also attempting to exceed expectations. Each region was given its own design language and recognizable motifs to try and make sure that every location, character, prop, etc., fit into its placed and helped to create a rich and enticing world for players to immerse themselves in. One artist can make a painting, but it takes a huge team to build a cathedral, something no single person could achieve on their own. While a colossal amount of creativety goes into video games, they are a lot more like cathedrals than paintings. They require years of cooperation between many disciplines, from animation to writing to audio to many, many more. In many ways, we see the final game as the completed work of art: the finished cathedral. Art books like this one are the perfect opportunity to showcase what you don’t see in the finished product: the inspiration, the blueprints, the unused drafts. We barked up a lot of wrong trees. We explored some wild directions – some ending in dead ends, others ending in precious treasure. We also created a lot of material that we liked but didn’t have the capacity to build (in this game, anyway). We decided to cram as much art as we reasonably could into these pages. Maybe one day we’ll be able to make the eighty-pound edition, but until then, we sincerely hope you enjoy this glimpse at the art behind the art. Matt Rhodes Art Director”

[ragana62]

There's this paradox I've seen in a few post-war Malfoy fics: the Malfoys are cool powerful cool chess masters... but also not really responsible for anything that went down during the Voldemort regime. And I'm not sure if you can have both? Or if you do have both... after a while the logic of the worldbuilding is going to break, and/or there's not going to be any conflict. I've seen some very promising fics sputter out, and I'm wondering if this might be why.

I think you can do 'victim of circumstance' style Malfoys... if they came out of the war with some aspect of their power (political power, social prestige, money, magical power...) severely diminished. This honestly fits very well with a Draco-arranged-marriage thing: they're trying to get that power back.

Or you can do powerful chess master Malfoys, but the then the conflict has to be around them de-programming themselves, dealing with reparations (or not.) And Draco, or Lucius, or whoever... kinda needs to suck (at least at first.)

Is this just me, or is this something that you've noticed too? Is there a secret third option that I'm not thinking of?

I’ve noticed this too, where people want the Malfoys to be perfect operators, who know how to weaponize their social standing/power/wealth/whatever else but also weren’t explicitly evil. I’m certainly guilty of indulging in it as well, though I tend to go about it a few ways that I at least hope circumvent the inherent issues with it a bit. Because you’re right, they are definitely characters where you have to give them either an actual redemption arc learning and changing if you want them to be that level of ruthlessly cunning and master manipulators (and be efficient and effective at it), change things earlier on so there is time to develop the shift from true believers, or there’s a lot going on behind the scenes you have to flesh out.

I tossed a few of my favorite ways of characterizing the Malfoys below that approach the both can be true option, though. Because I do think there’s a little more range to how to get them from point A to point B, depending on where you start and how you proceed.

1. The full Machiavellian. They’re not true believers in the Death Eater cause, it’s just what gets them the most benefits for most of canon. Post-war, when that changes, they change too, because at the end of the day who cares if Purebloods are fully in power so long as they still are. This one can work well especially I think for a lot of Lumione/Dramione/Cissamione or similar (same deal with any of them with Harry, or any of the other prominent DA/Order types post war whether in a ship or as developing a friendship), though you usually have to give them some consequences for actions or go all in on ‘Corrupt Ministry, they bribed their way out’, and you have to do a lot of build up into why they start caring about someone who was originally their mark if you’re going about it that way.

2. The Broken. Lucius goes to Azkaban after the Battle at the Ministry in book 5, and that changes things. They might have believed before, but now there are consequences they’ve never had to face, and that’s not something they’re interested in dealing with. Draco and Narcissa (and eventually Lucius once he gets out) have Voldemort in the house, they can’t fully rebel and have to maintain appearances, but they’re no longer devoted to the cause. Given a chance to turn, especially if they were approached by someone they trust like Severus for instance with an offer of conditional immunity like he got? They might take it, if the terms were good enough.

3. The Obligation. After Andromeda ran away, Narcissa and Bellatrix were forced to join the Death Eaters. Obviously for Bellatrix this wasn’t an issue, but maybe Narcissa never fully wanted to (which would work well with why she canonically doesn’t have a mark). Lucius was dragged in with her (or maybe he joined willingly, or was under family pressure of his own) but they were never true believers, they just did what was expected of them. The conflict then comes in with deconstructing the trauma of what they did out of that obligation, the habits they got into, whether they even are good or even grey anymore after two wars of doing bad things even if their hearts weren’t in it, of dealing with the horror of them dragging Draco in after them like they’d been forced in despite not believing, etc.

4. The Morally-Grey Mafia. Family above all else. If it benefits the family, if it protects them, if it earns them more money or status, if it gives them more power, they will do it, ethics be damned. Like the Machiavellian above, they’re never true believers, but that’s because they don’t truly believe in anything other than preservation of the family and preservation of the legacy. The difference is, it’s less individual success, and more group oriented, which gives them a window to expand their definition of family if given reason to do so. So you can have Lucius volunteering to go to Azkaban post-war in a deal of some sort if it keeps Narcissa and more importantly Draco out of it and the family name and legacy more or less intact, or they trade information post war like names of assets within the ministry or locations of safe houses to get themselves out of trouble while throwing former allies under the bus, or any number of other things. This one works very well I think for Narcissa in particular, who canonically makes a lot of her decisions based on how to best protect Draco, especially book 6 on.

5. The Power Behind the Throne. They were true believers, but they keep their hands mostly clean. Why? Because it’s more useful, and not just for them, that they have plausible deniability if asked. Lucius can bribe ministry officials, coax the Wizengamot to consider laws that nudge the country towards Death Eaters goals, get Hogwarts’s board of governors to do whatever they need to do, in a way no other Death Eater really can, especially by the time the second war comes around. You want him to have an airtight alibi if Aurors come knocking and asking him where he was during that last attack, because he needs to be above reproach (unless the person doing the reproaching is someone like Arthur Weasley who clearly has a personal grudge and isn’t taken very seriously by the powers that be). He can’t go out murdering and pillaging because he has to be at that ministry gala recruiting that asset. So they make it through the war with their hands (relatively) clean while still being a part of the death eater war effort, and have a way to basically negotiate their way down to time served because they have a lot of leverage.

6. The Long-Con. This is the one where they actually do get both, in a sense, of the things you had above. It’s all about appearances. They never were that important or influential amongst the Death Eaters, but when you have people like Arthur Weasley running around assuming the worst of you, it’s easy to pretend. Sure, they’ve got money, they’ve got name recognition, but that’s the problem. People can spot a Malfoy from across the room, whether or not they’re wearing a mask. That’s not going to stop them from pretending otherwise when they know that gets them a degree of intimidation factor with those outside the fold, but then they can turn around and lean on the fact they didn’t do much at all after the war to lower charges.

[victoriousscarf]

Hm.

How should I put this?

I am Bioware's #1 "it's complicated fan." I love going into critical tags, I love reading their choices for filth. I have happily complained for hours about every single Bioware game I have ever played.

But the thing is. I've played almost all of them since Kotor came out in 2003. I have lived through multiple development cycles, multiple shifts in direction, the dark energy controversy between ME 2 and 3, the way ME 2 took a whole different direction from ME 1, the way Inquisition took the set up and lore from DA2 out back and shot it in the face and threw the body in the garbage, the way DA2 changed not only the scope of the story but the aesthetics from DAO, not to mention the timeline fuckery from Awakening to DA2.

My god, I was there when the Revan novel came out, followed by SWTOR and nothing Bioware could do would match the betrayal and pettiness of undercutting everything Kotor 1 and 2 set up just because they contracted Kotor 2 out to Obsidian and decided they were gonna kill the Exile off in a little pissy fit and then drive Revan crazy for kicks.

I remember when Andromeda came out and there was no gay male full scale companion until we guilted them into patching one in.

And yet, I have played every one of these games multiple times. I have loved these games. Sure, it took me until the start of my third playthrough of Inquisition to forgive them for what they did to the story of DA2 (among other complaints I had), sure I sat there stunned at the end of ME 3 when I played it without DLC the first time, but I loved all these games anyway.

Which is to say.

You thinking fucking Veilguard is gonna phase me?

I love this game with my full chest, like I have loved all the other games, warts and all, that came before. I cradle Rook in my hands, and I treasure them the way I treasure all the others. I love the companions, the settings, the lore (which is there! Read the codexes and listen to the people, just like you have to in Inquisition), the plot, the missions, the world, just everything.

What honestly drives me the craziest about most of the critical posts that still come out is... y'all have ruined the Bioware critical tag for a while. But also. I'm starting to wonder if you ever played a Bioware game as it came out before because listen, everything y'all are whining about was whined about during Inquisition and DA2 too.

I am however excited to see how this game will be received in the next year, in the next three years, ten years, just like all the others have changed and matured over time. (And if you're going to insist but it's not! Well, they sure said that about DA2...)

[thomine]

truthful rumours - cyno

cyno / reader | 1.3k words | general audiences

shouldn’t the rumour be dead after frequently hounding others that it was fake? he’s not wrong, but things are… complicated.

tags: secret relationships, repost.

links: work tag

author's note: beta'ed by the lovely @/andromeda-nova-writing when this was posted, lol.

.　⁺ . 　 ˚　✦　.　　+ ⁺　 　 . ✦

“I love you.”

The man can’t look at you. His hands bolster a bouquet of roses and padisarahs to shield his face. Instead of aiding his claim, it steals your attention. To have the flowers pruned and arranged probably cost more than the average spent by a customer in Puspa Cafe.

It takes a minute of silence for you to remember you haven’t given him a reply.

“I’m sorry,” you begin, pushing the bouquet away. You want to address him but can’t recall his name. It has only been a month since he arrived, and he’s barely even conversed with you. “I appreciate the effort, but… I can’t return your feelings.”

He’s jumpy, frantic, and you almost feel apologetic as he freaks out. Something behind you catches his eye, hardening his gaze. The anxious boy you saw flies out the window. Before you can turn to confirm what it is, his question throws you off.

“Is it because the rumours are true?”

You scrunch your eyebrows in perturbation. You’re just an ordinary employee of Puspa Cafe. It doesn’t sit right with you that you’ll be involved in rumours. Hardly anyone remembers your name unless they’re filing a complaint. But, there is someone whom you’ve grown close to that constantly has murmurs and secrets attached to his name.

You give him a quizzical look. “What rumour?”

“The rumour that you’re dating the general mahamantra.”

Shouldn’t the rumour be dead after frequently hounding others that it was fake? He’s not wrong, but things are… complicated. 

“Putting your feelings aside, what makes you think that?” You didn’t mean to sound accusatory, but he pulls himself back as if you’re some desert scorpion ready to sting.

“Well, he walks you home when you end your shift…” he mutters, looking down. It’s the third time someone raises your walks home with Cyno to start prying into your love life.

“Okay, but we live near each other and there have been reports of increased criminal activities. I don’t think anything about it is inherently romantic,” you chide, hands on your hips. You wonder if whatever caught his eye before is still there, listening to the conversation.

“Then let me walk you home, since there’s nothing inherently romantic about—”

“Wait a minute,” and you place both hands in front of you to create distance. “I think you should think before you speak. Just a minute ago, you confessed you had romantic feelings for me and I rejected you.”

He nods, blankly staring at you. Your point completely misses him if not (or at least you hoped) it would slap him across the face. 

“Aren’t you a storyteller?” you jeer, “If you harbour romantic feelings and walk home with that person then it’s obviously romantic? I’ve already rejected you, so anything romantic involving both of us would make me… how do I put this… I’ll be uncomfortable.”

“But how can you be so certain that the general mahamantra doesn’t possess romantic feelings for you?” His eyes glint with mischief.

You blink, taken aback at the conversation’s progression. Usually people drop the topic once you’ve explained, as nonchalantly as you can, that every act is proof of your close bonds with him and shouldn’t be understood otherwise.

It is expected that he’ll push you to a corner though, you did provoke him. Luckily, you’re prepared. Perhaps a little too well, many nights spent pondering.

It’s hard to pin if your hesitation is due to your faith in your answer—10 reasons why anyone can be certain Cyno doesn’t like you romantically. It’s an arsenal you don’t want to use. Saying it out loud feels like admitting that maybe, even if it’s slim, Cyno probably doesn’t like you as much as you believed.

There are pockets of truth in your lies at the end of the day. Like how the routine of walking home together is for your safety, and how your house is a road away from his so it won’t inconvenience him unlike the new employee.

You hear your name being called. What perfect timing; you guess Cyno has been listening all along.

“Am I interrupting something?” he says with crossed arms, his menacing aura clashing with the pride of the new employee. There seems to be a second conversation in the way their gazes fight.

The new employee hides the flowers behind his back after lowering his head. “I suppose it is late,” the new employee says. “As much as I’d like a reply, whatever suits your boat. I just… hope you’ll give me a chance if the rumours are false.”

Cyno grunts. His slightly scrunched face indicates he has a comment, but he remains quiet. When his rival leaves, he looks at you, eyes unwavering.

“Ready to head home?” He asks.

The answer to the new employee’s question is at the tip of your tongue. You push it aside to reply, but it leaves a bitter taste. 

“Yeah. Sorry if you had to wait.”

“Not a problem.” 

The cafe has been void of customers since 30 minutes ago. It’s a different situation when you step out behind Cyno. Eyes watch both of you as you maintain distance no matter how much you want to grab his hand.

You’ve escaped an interrogation, which is enough questioning for a tiring day. Anyways, you have the answer you’ve swept aside to entertain.

After all, how long has it been since Cyno did something you couldn’t explain through the views of friendship?

“I love you.”

Even in the dimness of the night, you can’t deny the weight of Cyno’s gaze on you. True enough, you meet with his red eyes. They glimmer under the banners of moonlight slipping through the dense canopy. It’s the gentlest stare you’ve come across, a refuge compared to a citizen’s look whenever you’re out with Cyno.

It takes a minute of silence for you to remember you haven’t said it back. However, they’re stuck in your throat, fighting for space with laughter that wants to burst from your chest.

“I refuse to believe you like me that way,” you tease instead, a giddy smile plastered on your face as you titter. The prior event flashes in your mind like a film, and the current irony amuses you. “I mean, shouldn’t you be freaking out after telling me how you feel?”

He doesn’t seem offended. It can be hard to tell without noticing the subtle changes in his expressions, but he replies calmly.

“This isn’t some badly written romantic comedy so, no, I shouldn’t and wouldn’t be freaking out. We’re not children anymore.”

You giggle, not wanting to guffaw and attract unwanted attention, ending this pleasant moment.

“I mean it when I say I love you,” Cyno whispers, taking your hand. You gasp at the sudden contact, but the shock dies when you remember only the trees and critters are your audience. “I don’t know how you would reply to his question, but I didn’t want to hear it.”

You interlace your fingers with his. “I didn’t want to say it either. Sometimes, I’m too convincing.”

He bends to pluck a sweet flower before passing it to you, “I’m sorry I can’t say it more or do more to show it.”

You take a whiff of its scent and want to tuck it behind his ear—

There’s rustling of the bushes. You drop the flower. It crunches as Cyno swiftly adjusts his grip on your hand. He spawns his spear while you prepare a series of explanations for your close proximity with him if anyone inquires. From holding your hand in preparation to run to preventing you from fleeing too far from him in fright.  

After a beat of silence, he keeps his spear. The sparks in the atmosphere from elemental usage dissipates. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Cyno,” you say as you tug his hand. Although there were plenty of anxieties built up over years—after falsifying every action to the point you almost believed the hole you dug was your grave—his words are a wave of reassurance, and even if brief, it’s all you really need. “It’s okay, I understand.”

You lean in and kiss him on the cheeks in the cover of the night. The warmth on your lips tells you enough.

“Just promise me that you’ll be safe,” you add.

“I will be.” He lets out a tiny breath. “But you—”

You gingerly press your index finger against his lips.

“I’ve lied to others for years now. Although, yes, at times I fall prey to my own words, but you’re always there when I need you, right? Like now. You don’t have to worry.”

It’s sad to hide, but what else can be done when falling in love with someone who has a dangerous vocation? Even if it breaks your heart that every moment together means proportionally long hours spent rationalising and seeing everything as an act of friends in case anyone asks; even if it means years of silent stares and glimpse of affection; you think it’s worth if he doesn’t have to worry that his enemies will go after you.

After all, don’t you love him?

.　⁺ . 　 ˚　✦　.　　+ ⁺　 　 . ✦

author's note: another repost from an old blog! i didn't read through it at all. um. i remember this so i guess it wasn't too bad! i can afford not to look it over... right...

[llamaisllama777]

THE DAILY*/WEEKLY* LAES, EAPS, FEMNAF, AND TSAMS REVIEW SHOW!

A lot of great episodes today so let's get on with this.

(Sorry, I'm posting this so late)

I love a sassy queen and a mean one too

So, the Monty (I call this one Milly) of this world is [BEEP]ING terrible. The girl is basically if Monty hated everyone/everything

(Or if Monty lost the person they care about the most. More on that later)

So, the episode starts off with Earth and Lunar joining up with Chico, Roxas, and Andromeda in parts and service just talking and wanting to hang out with them. After they discuss how terrible the changing rooms are in here, Milly walks in, and the air in the room dramatically shifts. Everyone, especially Andromeda, is on edge.

Milly tells everyone to get back to work, but Earth tells her that they already got all their work done, and Milly tells to just do more work then, and Earth goes OFF and calls out Milly on her bullpoop and she goes all sassy.

I love it!

She doesn't need to gain sass like Terra did, she already has it! I could have sworn she sounded like Prez. Earth there for a moment. I could hear it in her voice.

And Milly... well, she doesn't like that. She straight up almost punched Earth but Earth made it clear that she will put her to the ground with her security mode if she does.

If TSAMS Monty or EAPS Monty or even Ruin's Monty saw what this Monty did, they would END her.

Milly leaves defeated but now with an urge to destroy Lunar and Earth, maybe not physically but mentally and jobwise definitely.

Chico informs us that Milly is big with Fazbear (unlike our Monty) and that Fazbear lets a lot of what she does slid, and she even has some pull with Fazbear. So... not good.

Apparently, this Monty THREW ANDROMEDA THROUGH A DOOR! (I wonder how Day and Night would feel if they saw that.)

The episode ends with Lunar, Earth, Chico, Andromeda, and Roxas playing clue with Comedy-bot. (<- I like Comedy-bot. I actually like how he's starting to become an actual character)

So... yeah, these next few episodes are gonna be crazy. Milly is about to become one of the most hated characters in all of TSBS.

(One small theory I have: Milly was friends with Day and Night or heck even maybe dated one of them and that Milly may have been involved in the accident that killed or made Day and Night disappear. I think Milly became a horrible person after the death/disappearance of Day and Night. She was close to them the most, and when they died/vanished, she broke mentally. There is no excuse for her actions, but at least it's an insight.)

Now onto EAPS...

OH GOODNESS.

So, in this episode, Puppet and FC try to get Eclipse and Roxy together cause Charlie thinks Andrew, Andy, and Jake deserve a mom and since Roxy is basically their mom, they decide to play match maker for Eclipse and Roxy.

That note, man. That love note Charlie wrote, pretending to be Roxy 🤣 Gosh, who writes like that?

Roxy just laughs when they bring up the idea of her and Eclipse dating and Eclipse is just bewildered.

The episode ends with FC, Puppet and Roxy leave and Eclipse makes a comment saying that "Roxanne isn't the worst possible choice"

So do with that information as you will.

I like the Roxy x Eclipse ship, but I'm fine if they never get together. I can live with solo Eclipse and Roxy. Not every character needs to be in a relationship.

Femnaf is up next... (This episode is actually from a few days ago but I never got to talk about it)

Everyone meet, Oliver. He's Moonie and Sunny's new neighbor. He owns a bakery, he's shy as [Beep], and he's voiced by Mitch (Michael, FFAJSJackie, and Frankie's actor)

I love this guy and hope to see more of him. He seems like he's gonna be a good friend for Sunny and Moonie.

Welcome to the show, Oliver.

Welcome to the chaos that is Sunny and Moonie's Roblox adventure!

And lastly... TSAMS

NovaFrost has been caught. I repeat NovaFrost has been caught.

Sun, Moon, and Monty captured NovaFrost.

Apparently, Moon and Monty put an EMP in Sun. So cool, Sun can nuke electronics now.

NovaFrost, however, didn't stay down long.

He got back up like maybe two minutes after and Monty had to clock NovaFrost as he ran away. (Monty is MVP once again. Good on you, man)

NovaFrost are now being held at the SunShiner dinner and it seems like NovaFrost might talk soon and we might learn who made NovaFrost and why. Why would Chris, The William Afton of this world, build a robot to protect kids?

Most likely, Charlie made him and Chris just stole them, but that's to be seen.

NovaFrost also apparently has a tendency to blackout for days on end and do things he wouldn't normally do, like attack Sun, or kill the guy who owned the cabin they've been hiding in.

So, that's not good. Afton is clearly controlling NovaFrost remotely. What his game with NovaFrost is I don't know but I think we'll find out soon.

Amazing episodes guys.

11/10!

[drarryspecificrecsdaily]

2024.10.06

Complete fics posted on AO3 this day

1. The Arrangement by rubygreene [E, 3k]

Harry is struck by an ancient curse, and the only cure is marriage. Not just in the sense he has to say his vows — he must also responsibly perform his marital duties. In the sea of marriage proposals thrown at him by fans and friends, Draco Malfoy's suggestion stands out.

2. Childhood Friends by @greeneysilvery [G, 7k]

Once upon a time, Draco told the Death Eaters he wasn't sure it was Harry, even when he was sure. Once upon a time, Draco told the elves he was needing more food, even when the sight of food making him ill. Once upon a time, Harry Potter told the Wizengammot that Draco Malfoy was an important key to win the war. Once upon a time, Harry Potter told Draco Malfoy about his cousin Teddy and how the little wizard had no family left, except Draco and a ill Andromeda. [...]

3. delightful anguish by @thisisformyfanfiction [M, 1k]

There’s nothing Harry likes more than when Draco beats the crap out of him.

4. Ingenious by @coffeedrgn87 [T, 1k]

Trapped in an attic with no magic to rely on, Harry and Draco must find a way out.

5. The Proposal by @zoooooey0610 [E, 9k]

When Harry saw Malfoy from across from the restaurant, and realised his boyfriend was going to propose, he walked over with a bottle of wine in his hand.

---

Fest/Exchange

1. Meet Me At Midnight by Anonymous [E, 16k]

Four Slytherins—including a drunk Malfoy with glitter in his hair from the clubs—have piled into Harry's car. It's shaping up to be a strange Uber shift. Or: when Harry and Draco found solace in long drives, midnights, and in each other, fourteen years after the war. ★ 2024 H/D Muggle Fair | @hd-fan-fair

2. some things are best left unsaid by Anonymous [T, 1k]

“I don’t see what the issue is, Potter,” Draco says, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. As if this doesn’t matter one bit. As if he’d ever say any of this sober. As if he hasn’t been madly in love with Potter for years. As if everyone but Potter himself hasn’t already noticed (and Draco is sure they’ve noticed). ★ pine4pine 2024

[vaneshifts]

Vane's List Of Names

I mentioned before that I'm a writer, and I keep a list of names that I consult when I need a new DR name. As promised, I'm posting the list here in case anyone needs some help with their own script.

Note: I DO have more fem names than masc names (sorry) but there's also a bunch of gender neutral names I love. <3

Gender Neutral

Alex 

Atlas

Azusa

Bailey

Blake

Cameron

Casey

Charlie

Dakota

Dylan

Emerie / Emery

Envy

Fallon

Georgie

Harper

Hayden 

Holland

Hunter

Idris

Jasper

Jem

Jessie / Jesse

Jordan

Logan

Maeve

Martin

Morgan

Noah

Reize

Remi

Robin

Rory

Rowan

Rune

Sam

Sasha

Sky

Sloane

Sol

Spencer

Tatum

Taylor

Tyler

Valentine

Kai

Raegan

Wren

Zia

Fem-Coded

Adelaide

Aja

Ajatri

Alayna

Aleida

Alice

Alina

Allison

Amara

Amaya

Amre

Anastasia

Andromeda

Anessa 

Angela

Annabel

Annabeth

Annalys

Anne-Marie

Annika

Anya

Aria

Arya

Astrid

Atalia

Athena

Aurora

Ayla

Azara

Bianca

Bridget

Camicazi

Carly

Cassandra

Charlotte

Chloe

Cielle

Clara

Clarette

Clarissa

Claudia

Cora

Cordelia

Danica

Darcy

Della

Diana

Elara

Echo

Eden

Enid

Erica

Esmarie

Estelle

Eunomia

Evelia

Evie

Evora

Gemma

Genevieve

Grace

Hadley

Haelyn

Hayley

Hope

Ija

Inanna

Inara

Indigo

Indira

Iris

Isabelle

Iskra

Isleen

Isobel

Jade

Jasmine

Jenna

Jessica

Julia

Juliette

Kailyn

Kala

Kalani

Kali

Kallian

Kalista

Kamala

Kasia

Kassidy

Kate

Katie

Kaya

Kayla

Keira

Keja

Kelsie

Kendra

Khiti

Kinsey

Kinsley

Kourtney

Kristen

Kylie

Lani

Lena

Lexi

Lia

Liana

Lila

Lilliana

Lilith

Lily

Lizzie

Luna

Lunaris

Lyanna

Lydia

Lyla

Lyra

Maddie

Madeline

Madisyn (Madi / Mads)

Maira

Mallory (Mal)

Malia

Malina

Marcelene

Marella

Maretta 

Maria

Marianna

Marisol

Mavis

Melody

Mercedes (Sadie)

Meridia

Michaela

Millane

Moretta

Myrcella

Myrcelle

Naima

Nara

Natalia

Natasha

Neera

Nefeli

Nerissa (Nessa)

Nymeria

Nyx

Pandora

Pearl

Pepper

Piper

Rachel

Ravenna

Rayne

Rayyana

Rosa

Ruelle

Sadie

Saige

Samantha (Sam)

Samirah (Sam)

Savannah (Sav)

Scarlett

Sereia

Shivani

Sienna

Sirine

Solana

Sophia

Sophie

Soraya 

Summer

Sylvia

Sylvie

Talia

Talto

Tara

Taria

Teagan

Tessa

Tessabelle

Thalia

Thena

Theresa

Tiyenna

Valeria 

Vane

Victoria 

Vienna

Visha

Wanda

Zhara

Zoe

Zoey

Masc-Coded

Alaric

Asael

Asher

Cahir

Caspian

Conan

Eros

Ethan

Evan

Jeremy

Julian

Kane

Luke / Lucian

Marcel

Oliver

Raphael

Ronan

Warner

William / Will

Surnames

Anderson

Aspen

Baker

Barnes

Bishop

Daxer

Foster

Graves

Grayson

Harper

Holland

James

Jayde

Keita

Keller

King

Lawrence

Lawson

Linden

Madden

Marshall

Miller

Moore

Morris

Pearson

Pierce

Prince

Reeves 

Thorne

Smith

Solace

Summers

Wilson

Bonus! Valyrian Names

(first names only)

Aerion (M)

Araenia (F)

Chaereah (F)

Daenera (F)

Daenya (F)

Daenys (F)

Delaena (F)

Daenerya (F)

Daenyra (F)

Elaena (F)

Haella (F)

Maela (F)

Maerys (F)

Naelyra (F)

Nerys / Naerys (F)

Raenela (F)

Rhaegon (M)

Saelyra (F)

Saerya (F)

Selaehrys (F) 

Selaena (F)

Shiera (F)

Tyrax (M)

Valaena (F)

Veraena / Vera (F)

Vyra (F)

Vysea (F)

Notes:

Feel free to use this list for your DRs, and good luck.

I would absolutely LOVE to know if this helped anyone! <3

And I'll be posting the link to it on the original post I made about this list as well as my pinned introduction post.

Inspired by @batsyi

Happy Shifting!

XO

[chronurgy]

Taking a look at Dragon Age sales figures -

Origins - 3.2 million copies sold (as of Feb 2010, about 4 months after its launch)

Two - 2 million copies sold (as of two months after launch)

Inquisition - over 12 million copies sold (10 years post-release, unfortunately I can't find a more comparable time frame for sales)

Veilguard - 1.5 million "players reached" (about 3 months post-release, expectation for 3 million copies sold, unclear definition of players reached)

Awhile ago, when the generally positive critical reviews for veilguard came out, I said I was pretty sure bioware would be fine and would make it long enough to at least produce mass effect 5. Now, looking at these stats, I'm not so sure. Dragon age 2 was generally treated as a bit of a commercial flop for bioware, so seeing veilguard undersell it by a minimum of half a million units is not encouraging. Especially when it undersold ea's expectations for it by at least half. And I don't think ea's expectations were unreasonable! Three million in sales would put it in between the first two games and well below inquisition, the game it's a direct sequel to. That honestly feels a little odd, since it would imply that the studio didn't believe they picked up any new fans from inquisition's success.

I think that the 10 year gap was absolutely corrosive to the fan base. I understand why it happened on a development level, but it was an absolutely massive mistake. They completely lost the ability to capitalize on the excitement and name recognition inquisition generated as the incredibly popular game of the year for its direct sequel. Again, I completely understand what happened. I just think that all of the decisions that allowed this to happen (canceling project joplin, generally putting the series in the back burner, etc) were incredibly bad. They lost hype and momentum and ended up with far less in excitement and sales than they could have, especially since they lost a lot of long-time, key employees because of the development hell that ensued. This is on both bioware and ea. Bioware for their incredible mismanagement and just constant bag-fumbling and terrible working conditions and choices generally, and ea for allowing this to happen and generally pushing their studios toward a live-service model (plus all the other general ea fuckery).

It's also worth mentioning the "players reached" wording. That obviously doesn't mean the same thing as "copies sold," which likely means that the game sold less than 1.5 million copies. Admittedly, it's probably worth asking exactly how relevant sales numbers still are as we enter the era of game streaming services. It's genuinely hard to say, and that's going to be an industry-wide shift. But no matter how you slice it, the game clearly didn't do well commercially.

Looking toward the future, the first question has to be not what bioware will learn from this, but if bioware will even survive long enough to learn from this. They've had three poor releases in a row in an industry that isn't exactly forgiving. There have also been a few high profile departures recently, and while that might not be particularly unusual after a game launch, it can't be overlooked entirely. The studio is very much at risk of shutting down at this juncture.

But assuming bioware doesn't shut down, where do they go from here? What lessons will they learn from veilguard's failure? While it clearly wasn't a commercial success, it reviewed fairly well with a metacritic score of 82 (compare Andromeda's score of 71, Inqusition's of 85, origins' of 86, da2's of 79, and the Mass Effect trilogy's low 90s). Player reviews, on the other hand, were more mixed. Will bioware decide they made a good game and players just didn't get it? Andromeda and veilguard's writing definitely had some similarities, so maybe this is just the direction the studio has decided to go in and nothing will shake them from it. Or will they see the feedback and lurch too far in the opposite direction? They have a habit of doing that (they did it with inquisition after da2 and anthem's facial animations after Andromeda, for example). It could be that they decide it needs to be even more generic, even safer, to make sure they get the broadest possible appeal. It could be that they decide they need to double down on the nostalgia factor to attract the players of the older games. I don't know. I don't think anyone really does, at this point.

Honestly, I don't think bioware knows either. The studio clearly has a lot of issues that will take a lot of time, money, and introspection to fix. These issues are likely very entrenched in the studio's culture, and have been present for at least a decade, if not longer. And I don't know that bioware has the resources or the willpower to address them, given the circumstances.

[mrs-gauche]

Hey guys! 🙂 It's the end of 2024 and I realized today I haven't posted on here since finishing Veilguard.

Well, to make it short.. since then, I've spent a lot of time thinking about it, replaying it, watching my friends who are DA casuals and not into fandom play it (which was very enlightening but also hilarious 😂), so now.. I feel like I'm at a point where I know exactly what my issues with this game are and I've made peace with it. I still love Dragon Age! And I love parts of Veilguard and I had a ton of fun playing it (though probably for all the wrong reasons 🥲). When I first finished the game, I cried tears of happiness that after ten years my favorite character actually somehow got a beautiful Happy Ending and closure, but also tears of sorrow that this marks the end of the story that was set up back in 2009.. and tears of mourning that this story had all the potential to be so so SO much more.

Dragon Age is a very weird franchise in that all the games have been, in many ways, vastly different from each other and to be a fan of the whole series means to recognize all its flaws and changes, but still loving it because of its unique core elements that glue it together and make it so special. I could sit here for hours trying to put into words what I think went wrong with Veilguard, but I know many people have already done so far more eloquently than I ever could. This blog was always meant to be just a positive little corner to share my love for these games and silly VA stuff with other people and I'm sure I will eventually reblog all the two million posts I've liked over the past month, both positive and critical. But for now and the new year, I want to focus my time and energy on just being creative, getting back to drawing and trying to realize ideas about DA I've had for a looong time and that's my way of "emotionally recovering" (that sounds so dramatic 😂). 💜

With that being said... What a crazy decade year it has been for me personally in this fandom... So I want to look back at it, just some rambling under the cut, 'cause I'm a little sentimental now, I guess. 🥲

Before I created this blog, I was mostly just a lurker on here for many years, despite being a fan of BioWare games since.. uh.. forever? lol But I was always waaay too insecure about my English, let alone my own art. I also have social anxiety, so maybe that was part of the reason why I decided to finally create this blog at a time when the fandom was at its most dormant? lol (There is also a whole separate post for another day about how Mass Effect influenced me personally and how it made my biggest dream come true, the enormous honor to voice a few NPCs in (the German version of) Andromeda. Still the craziest thing to ever happen to me. lol)

So, seeing all the crazy excitement and the fandom fully revived this year and all these months leading up to Veilguard was both incredibly overwhelming, but also the most fun I've ever had as being part of a fandom! This year also marked the first time I posted my own art online and I can't even put into words how crazy it was seeing the response to that and I still can't believe that Trick Weekes not only commented on but also reposted it, that is still f*cking insane to me and I'll never forget the morning I woke up to see that. lmao

So yeah.. THAT happened. Followed by what I think has to be one of the weirdest, craziest marketing campaigns I've ever seen. lol Going back to 2022, we truly had it all...

A title announcement on a random Thursday that was probably done so that it would not be confused with the Netflix series announced a few days later. A tie-in comic more than a year before release that was... a little pointless? lol A vinyl collection that spoiled the composers a year before release. A title change literally two days before the first trailer. A reveal trailer that left many in shock because of its tone shift and complete lack of the former title character. A line of Game Informer articles that left us often times with more questions than answers. Every single article being deleted the very next month due to GI shutting down. An actor panel at SDCC happening right as Sag Aftra went on strike. A "fandom" party that had nothing to do with Dragon Age. Jason Derulo. An artbook that accidentally revealed the release date with its pre-order, which was then deleted. Twice. Memes about roadmaps. A second trailer that in hindsight probably should've been the first one. An audio drama by a different writing team with some baffling (but funny) lore mistakes. A combat showcase starting off with a disclaimer that "footage had been edited due to spoilers"... followed by THE biggest spoiler in literally the first ten seconds. The first IGN video with super spoilery dev commentary. A hand-on preview event with 140 people leading to spoilers galore... Did I mention spoilers? lol

That was when I stopped looking at stuff online, so I don't know what happened after that, but WOW, what a crazy ride that was. 🥲 Truly a DA4 Summer to remember and I'm unironically so grateful to have witnessed it in real time with all of you. 😂

Then finally, after ten flippin years of tinfoiling, speculating, reading crazy development stories and clowning around at every gaming live event, Veilguard was finally released and it will probably go down as the most emotionally charged Halloween of my life. lmao

Then it was time to actually play The Veilguard. Which took me about a month.

A month filled with what I can only describe as a crazy rollercoaster of conflicting emotions. Aside from everything having to do with Solas, I'd say my personal highlights of the entire experience was seeing Felassan (I screamed), the PHOTO MODE and even one hilarious "breaking the fourth wall" moment, where I would frantically run around in Elgar'nan's trap in "Blood of Arlathan", to a point where I would yell at the screen "SOLAS, I COULD USE SOME HELP NOW, HELLO???" and hearing his flippin voice literally two seconds later going "Yes, you called?" and I freaked out so hard I dropped the controller. 😂😂😂 Also, as someone who romanced Alistair in my first playthrough of DAO and brought him to the final battle not knowing he would sacrifice himself, you can imagine my flashbacks when I saw Davrin dying at Tearstone.. who I had romanced. 💀 Or the Dark Ritual flashbacks when I saw Morrigan wanting to talk to me right before the final mission. lol Getting the Felassan rune actually made me tear up a little. There are many little moments like that that I loved or that made me emotional, but ultimately.. Veilguard is a game that, for all the amazing graphics and cutscenes and flashy combat.. the more I think about the story and the lore (or lack thereof), the more I end up confused and trying to figure out what it is that's breaking the immersion to me in a way that the previous games didn't.

But anyway... I finished Veilguard, though the DA craziness of 2024 wasn't over just yet and I didn't know that the best was yet to come in December. lol

So.. Years ago, one of the main reasons I created this blog was to make silly "appreciation posts" about Solas' German VA and ramble on about my love for his performance.. I even remember making a post on here like three years ago talking about how I would sadly never EVER get a chance to meet his VA personally, because that man never ever goes to any fan conventions or public events. lol

Well... GUESS WHO I MET AT THE GERMAN COMIC CON EARLIER THIS MONTH!!!

YES GUYS, without sounding like a weirdo (because despite my obsession with voice acting, I don't care for VAs social accounts or anything beyond their work as a VA), but after years of jokingly referring to this blog as the "Ozan Ünal Appreciation Blog", and kinda the reason I made this blog in the first place, I finally met the man himself and it was probably the best friggin fan experience I could've wished for. 🥲🥲🥲

See, I've met a lot of different VAs at Cons before, who were all super nice and awesome to talk to.. but let me tell you, this guy has such an incredibly contagious positive attitude and charm!! lol Me and my friend were literally the last to stand in line at his booth before the event closed, there were TONS of people (there were quite a few VAs at the Con, but his booth had BY FAR the most people in line the whole day lol) and yet he made sure to take the time to talk with every single person, asking questions, was genuinely interested in our opinions, joking around and just generally SO FRIGGIN NICE. And he's just a very chill and funny dude? lol

And it was so funny, because there were SO many people and yet apparently I was the only person that day to talk to him about DA and Solas and he was SO excited about it 😂😂😂 (I bet like 90% of the fans talked to him about his VA work on Vampire Diaries, The Big Bang Theory, Gravity Falls and Nicholas Hoult lol).

And of course, because DA4 happened so recently, it was still fresh in his memory. He told us that he even watched some Let's Plays and asked what we thought of the game and I'm still laughing so hard, because he was literally like "Oh yeah, the lore is MASSIVE and it was so overwhelming and I could barely keep up with it, the whole time I had no idea what I was talking about.. like, what exactly IS Mythal??" LMAOOO His performance for Solas was so good and so convincing and now I'll always have to picture him standing in the recording booth, no flippin clue what he's actually talking about. lmaoo And then my friend was pointing at me like "She's actually a walking lore encyclopedia" and then he was like "Oh, you should've been in the booth then!" lol

And I'm actually quite upset on his behalf now, because he also told us how, when the English VAs were officially announced, he had actually made a post on social media about how he was returning for Solas in DA4 and how he got in so much trouble for that because EA told him they were going to make an official announcement.... AND THEN THEY NEVER DID??? Like, I was desperately waiting for an announcement about the German voice cast and they simply never made one, we literally had to wait for the credits to be published? (Also, the German and French version have only one female and one male voice for Rook and no one knows what happened there, we tried to contact them about it, but no response so far?? It's like they don't even care.) That's EA for you...

Anyway, we then chatted a bit more about his other work and stuff and he recorded an audio for me (I actually got him to say the "Vir shiral malasa, bellanaris" GUYS AND IT SOUNDS SO GOOD, like I was so nervous, asking "Could you do elven..?" and he was like "Sure, it's been a year, might be a bit rusty" and then he just knocked it out of the park?? lmao So I have both Lavellan's AND Solas' WEDDING VOWS NOW. 😭😭😭❤❤❤❤❤)

So yeah, that was my meeting with Ozan flippin Ünal and what an awesome guy and amazing VA and what an "epic conclusion" of this year of the Dragon (Age) 2024. lol And the timing feels so strange now, because, in a way, it feels kinda like coming full circle?

Like I said in the beginning, for years I was always mainly a lurker in the fandom and the reason why I created this blog was to join in on the hype/speculation train for DA4 and to talk about Solas' German and French voices and share my silly edits and gifs. And now I've played Veilguard AND I've met Ozan Ünal.. both things that, at some point, I wasn't sure were ever going to happen.....

So.. In terms of my fandom experience, this year was crazy and whatever 2025 brings and whatever happens with this blog or DA in general... I love this fandom (especially my little Solasmancer bubble <3) and I love Dragon Age and whoever's reading this, here's to 2025 and I hope you have a Happy New Year!! 💜💜💜💜💜

[fereldanwench]

Some thoughts on ~*playing an asshole*~ and other related topics:

I've seen a post cross my dash a couple of times saying playing a kind hero has been very welcome in today's current climate--This isn't meant to be a vagueblog at all, and I even considered replying directly to that post, but it seemed like it was a very personal reflection. I really don't want to come across as trying to contradict that experience because I don't think it's a wrong experience to have.

Especially since I actually remember having a similar response to Ryder and Andromeda back in 2017. It came out about a year and a half after my mother-in-law passed away, while I was working insane overtime hours, and a few months into Tr*mp's first term--I found the optimism in Andromeda and the routes I could take with my Ryder's personality to be exactly what I needed during a really rough time.

So I get it, I really do, and I don't think anyone is wrong for feeling validated by Veilguard's optimism.

But that post did make me realize some of the reasons I personally have had such a hard time connecting to any of the Rooks I've made: I really lost my sense of self and reverted in a lot of ways back to people-pleasing* over the past few years, and it's really only been the past year that I've felt like I'm coming out of that. Because of this, many of Rook's responses in dialogue, often regardless of tone (although "crossed arms" options mitigate this some), reminded me of how I am when I want to be on my very bestest behavior, even to my own detriment.

It's my work persona, the "customer service voice," trying to keep everyone happy and at their best regardless of my own needs because if I see anyone crack, that feels like a reflection on me and my failures. But I'm not really being genuine. This isn't to say that I want to be a full-blown asshole to anyone IRL--I rarely do unless they're being a raging asshole first. But this kindness is armor born of self-defense. It is not kindness for the sake of kindness.

(*Because I know this will get mentioned if I don't mention it: Yes, I did appreciate Harding's observations about her own people-pleasing tendencies, but this is about Rook, not Harding.)

I want to pick apart the whole "be an asshole" line, too (just in general, not directed at anyone specifically)--I do recall seeing folks use that expression to describe their own wants in the game, but I kiiinda feel like it's starting to be used in bad faith, as shorthand for anyone who just wants to play a character with more bite to them. Being assertive or stoic or stubborn or direct or confident doesn't inherently make someone an asshole. But even these aren't really character traits that Rook can really claim without a lot of headcanoning.

(And tbf, Veilguard isn't unique in this regard--I always found the dialogue options for the Inquisitor to pale in comparison to Hawke or the Warden. (And I know some people feel like Hawke pales in comparison to the Warden so you know. All of this is one big YMMV.) But I still felt like I could more organically craft a personality in Inquisitor than I can in Veilguard.)

I will also say, though, that I see absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to play "an asshole," and I also find it to be a bad-faith read to assume anyone who wants to be "edgier" in an RPG is harboring some secret desire to hard people in the real world. In 2018, after a lot of my grief and fear had shifted into anger, playing a ruthless Renegade FemShep was goddamn therapeutic for me. I had a lot of pent-up rage, and it was so cathartic to channel that into this no-nonsense woman who saw what needed to be done and would get it done no matter the cost in a completely safe fictional environment where no one actually gets hurt.

Anyway, there's more I could delve into on this topic, but I think I'll save some of my other thoughts for quieter spaces. I was having a hard time pinpointing what was keeping me from getting invested in my Rooks, and this was kind of an epiphany this morning so I wanted to brain dump.

[dragon-susceptible]

Different Path Taken Ch3: Fallout Part 1

Y'all seemed to like it last time when I posted the chapter in two parts because I wasn't done with the whole things, so here you go. There's gonna be a second half going back to Runaan's POV, but here's a section from Andromeda first.

The children were still in tears, even Rayla’s eyes shining, and Andromeda’s heart ached for them.  She had planned to inflict the same loss, but . . . it wasn’t a part of her duty that she enjoyed.  A small child’s grief was nothing to be proud of, and Prince Ezran was so very small where he curled into his brother’s arm. 

Runaan and Rayla were still kneeling beside them, Rayla’s hand resting tentatively on the older prince’s shoulder.  Runaan’s eyes were distant, calculating.  When Andromeda looked around at the others, she saw Ram frowning in thought too.  Skor’s face was cool and blank as he kept an eye on the trees, but Callisto was staring at the ground with the same sort of calculating look as Runaan, though theirs was a bit more frantic. 

“We can’t stay here,” She broke the silence with not a little regret, hating the way it made Prince Callum flinch. “We don’t know who killed the king, and they will be searching for us.  All of us.  We came here for vengeance, but whoever did this likely had other motivations - staging some sort of coup.”

The older prince gave a ragged, gasping breath and hugged his brother tighter as he looked up suddenly.  Runaan hummed a low agreement, but before he could answer, the boy did. “They’ll be after Ezran.” He looked down at his brother and gave him a nudge. “Come on, buddy.  We’ve got to get up.  We need to go.”

“Where?” Ezran cried through tears that made Andromeda’s heart go out to him. “If Dad’s gone don’t we have to go home?  Don’t I have to be - ?” He choked on the end of the sentence but she could guess what he meant.  It surprised her a bit that the humans had put such a heavy burden on such a small child, that he knew it was his responsibility to rule the country after his father’s death.

Callum was shaking his head. “Whoever went after Dad is probably after you too.  I promised him I’d keep you safe, so until we find out what happened, we’ve got to go.  I can’t let something happen to you too.” His lip was trembling and his face was as wet as Prince Ezran’s, but he helped the younger boy sit up a little bit more anyway and shifted onto his own feet, crouching at his side.

“If we don’t know what happened, how do we know where to go?  Where’s safe?” Ezran asked, clutching his toad to his chest with one arm and his brother’s jacket with the other little hand, and Andromeda was forcibly reminded of her younger brother clutching at her cloak the first time she had left him on a mission after their father was killed.  This was a child.  She swallowed hard. 

“Well,” Prince Callum looked up at the elves that surrounded them, meeting Runaan’s gaze, Rayla’s, Ram’s, and hers as Callisto and Skor looked away. “For now, I think we’re safe with the elves.  We’ve still got the egg that needs to go back to Xadia.”

Prince Ezran wiped his face with a sob. “So what do we do?”

“Mom always said if you don’t know what to do next, just do what you know you can, and then you’ll have the space to figure it out,” Callum said, sniffling as he gained some of his breath and composure back.  He wiped his eyes too. “Right now, we know we need to get this egg back to Xadia so the dragons know we want to help them.  Once we do that, we can figure out what’s next.”

“We will protect you on the journey to Xadia.” Runaan said, in the tone he usually reserved for reassuring the elflings after scary stories on the Blood Moon, and Andromeda bit her tongue, eyes fixed on the children.

Not just human princes.

As Runaan’s tone implied, vulnerable, very frightened children.

“This idea of forming a peace suddenly sounds almost manageable,” Ram observed aloud, and Andromeda shot her eyes to him, incredulous at the timing of the statement.  He shrugged when he noticed her and Rayla glaring, and explained, “The human princes help us to return the dragon prince, and we rescue the human princes.  Peace only works if both sides agree to it.  Now Katolis has a reason.”

“We had a reason before,” Prince Callum didn’t quite spit at him, but he said it firmly as he helped his brother to his feet. “We want peace.  We don’t want anybody else to have to die, and neither do you.  So we all agree.”

It was a . . . naive way of thinking.  Everything was so much more complicated than that.  Yet he wasn’t entirely wrong, either.  Andromeda just wasn’t certain the rest of the world could let go of things as simply as a child.

“So right now, we get the egg to Xadia.  That’s step one.  Hopefully, along the way we’ll figure out something about what happened at home.” Prince Callum turned his attention back to his brother.

Prince Ezran nodded, wrapping both arms around his toad again as he stood on his own two feet and sniffled. “We get the egg home to its mother.”

“Right.  You ready to go?” Callum asked gently.

He reminded Andromeda of herself, a bit.  This was exactly how she had been with Sirius when their father died.  She dropped her gaze, unable to quite look at them anymore as she thought of how close she had come to causing them this pain.

Causing just Callum this pain, as she’d fully intended to end the other child’s life.

Was this justice?

Had the dragon queen known what she was asking them to do to this child?  Had she cared?

“We should hurry,” Prince Callum said with concern as Runaan straightened up and Rayla backed off, and the other assassins prepared to move.

Runaan shook his head. “A brisk walk is more efficient at covering ground than a sprint, and we came here on a stealth mission.  We brought no mounts.  Walk as you can.  If you grow tired too soon, we will decide what to do then.”

Both boys nodded, and they all began to resume the journey.  There was a heaviness in the children’s steps that hadn’t been there before, and the lack of weight on Andromeda’s right arm was a harsh reminder of where it came from. 

Moon help them.  Loss was harsh enough for the Moonshadow, who knew their loved ones simply passed into their next phase of existence.  She could not imagine how to go on after the death of her father if she hadn’t known he was all right.  

She kept a closer eye on them after that, remained closer to the group as Ram ranged ahead to scout their path.  She caught Rayla looking at her a few times, and part of her wished to lean on her friend as she wondered how to handle all this.  But Rayla’s lie still stung her.  Why hadn’t she just admitted she couldn’t kill the guard?  Why volunteer to kill him anyway if she couldn’t go through with it?

It didn’t matter now.  It shouldn’t matter now.  Rayla had uncovered a much greater truth that may be a mercy for them all.  Still . . . it hurt that Rayla hadn’t just trusted them.  Had she expected them to kill her outright before the lie?

Skor had pointed out they should as his first reaction, she supposed.

But they wouldn’t have.  Rayla had to know Runaan would never have let that happen, and they all respected him far too much to disregard that.  Andromeda couldn’t imagine that Rayla didn’t trust Runaan.  The man had raised her, trained her - he had been the one to stain her horns when she came of age, even.  He had overseen her first challenge season.  His husband had been the one to put the braid in Rayla’s hair.  So it had to be the rest of them that Rayla didn’t trust.

It stung.  Andromeda had been friends with the girl since she was only eight years old, sneaking after her foster father to see him train.  Rayla had been the one to help her master Moonshadow form after months of trying under Runaan’s tutelage.  She had taught Rayla how to fight with curved blades.  Rayla was one of her brother’s pridemates, and Andromeda had looked after them on her rotation more than once before they grew old enough not to need pride parents from day to day.

“Callum?” Prince Ezran said in a small voice, as he kept walking, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of them.

“What is it, Ez?” Prince Callum replied gently.

“We’re not going to be home for Dad’s funeral, are we?”

Andromeda felt the last of her professional distance crumble to pieces.

“No.  I don’t think so.” Callum put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, and the boys just kept walking, resigning themselves to this fate, and Andromeda blinked rapidly as her eyes burned.  She had to pause for a moment to gather herself.

A warm hand rested on her shoulder and she looked up to see Runaan pausing to check on her.  He tilted his head towards the children with a twitch of his ears, expression soft and brows furrowed with concern.

She shook her head. “They deserve a chance to say goodbye to their father.” She said in low tones. “And they won’t be at his funeral.”

“There are other ways to remember the dead.” Runaan said softly, and she flinched as she was reminded that his father had never been found, not really.  He’d never had a funeral to attend. “Life always comes first, Andromeda.  The dead need nothing from this world.  That egg is a new life that we must give the chance to live.” he glanced towards the children. “The human princes are offering it that chance.” He met her gaze again. “The dead can wait.”

Andromeda nodded, somewhat comforted by her mentor’s calm reassurance.  Still, her heart went out to the children who would also have to live with this consequence, who weren’t being offered this wisdom. “What should we tell them?” She asked as Skor passed them. 

Runaan raised his eyebrows at her. “What they ask, Andromeda.  Otherwise, we let them grieve.  And we keep moving, to keep them alive.  Our objective may have changed, but our consequences have not.” He pointedly raised his left arm, the silver ribbon tightening around his bicep as she felt its match on her left wrist. “Human loss and grief is different than ours.  Let them tell us what they need.”

It made sense, as much as she wished she could be proactive.  Andromeda nodded anyway and her eyes flicked towards the group, as they were being left behind.  She rubbed her forehead tiredly, and ran her fingers through her hair to touch the metal cuffs on her horns.  She thought of Elyrin, who she had left in Moonshadow Forest promising she would come home.  He would assume by now that her mission was complete, with her lotus still afloat, though news wouldn’t have reached him for certain yet from the Storm Spire, even if Runaan had sent his shadowhawk to report.

They would take the egg home to its mother, and then, when they identified who had killed the king, return the princes to their people.  Their quest for vengeance had become a quest for life, because of the truth Rayla had uncovered.

“Come.” Runaan said, tone not unkind, and brushed her elbow with his hand as he resumed walking. “We mustn’t fall behind.”

“Of course.” She broke into a trot to catch up with him, and then passed him to resume scouting ahead with Ram.  The younger assassin tilted his ears back curiously when she joined him, and she shook her head, not yet ready to discuss it with the hot-tempered youth.  He shrugged and split away from her again.

[nanawritesit]

SM Entertainment Girl Group Idol AU (fem!reader insert)

feel free to use this for shifting or as a fanfiction backstory! (just tag me if it’s the second one hehe)

disclaimer: the extra info sections aren’t all original ideas, many were found on pinterest/tiktok :) images aren’t mine either

tw: none that i’m aware of

Group Profile:

Group Name: Etoile (meaning star/ point of a star in French)

Members: 5 (5 points on a star)

Fandom: Starlight

Concept: Ethereal, Cosmic, Elegant

Debut Year: 2017 (between Red Velvet and Aespa)

Debut Song: “Constellations”

Debut Album Title: “5 Makes 1”

B-Sides: “Aries,” “Nebula,” “Orbit,” “Stardust,” and “Pisces”

Fandom/ Lightstick Color: Indigo and White (stars in the night sky)

Group Chant: All: “Twinkle twinkle!” Nabi: “Hi Starlight! It’s…” All: “Etoile!”

Members Profile:

Y/N: Oldest, Center/ Face of the Group, Main Vocalist, Speaks Korean, English, and Chinese

Cho Nabi: Leader, Lead Vocalist, Korean, Speaks Korean, English, Chinese, and Japanese

Marie Tang: Main Dancer, Chinese-American, Speaks Korean, English, and Chinese

Han Iseul: Visual, Lead Dancer, Korean, Speaks Korean

Ikeda Kaori: Maknae, Main Rapper, Japanese, Speaks Korean and Japanese

Extra Info about the Group:

Pre-debut, Etoile released a cover of Girls Generation’s “Genie,” and it blew up so fast that fans couldn’t wait for them to debut

Etoile is known as “the bridge between third and fourth generation” in the kpop community

The members are also known as “the princesses of SM”

Etoile does a lot of variety shows because everyone loves the members’ funny personalities and playful group dynamic

Etoile was featured in a popular kdrama as themselves, though they only had a few lines in a couple episodes, it became a fan favorite and made the ratings sky-rocket

Etoile’s second comeback, “Andromeda,” is said to have one of the most difficult girl group choreographies in kpop. It was also the song that got them their first win

When Etoile got their first win with “Andromeda,” all of the girls were crying hysterically, including Nabi who was supposed to give the speech. She ended up handing the mic to Y/N, who had just been smiling happily the whole time. Y/N pulled Nabi into her arms as she gave the speech, and then the other three girls assembled a group hug around them. It became such a tender moment for Starlights that everyone watching started crying too

Etoile did a collaboration music video with Sailor Moon where all the members got to dress up as the sailor guardians. Y/N was Sailor Moon, Nabi was Sailor Mars, Marie was Sailor Mercury, Iseul was Sailor Venus, and Kaori was Sailor Jupiter

Etoile has their own plushie characters that are put on headbands and other merchandise for Starlight, similar to BT21 and Skzoo. Y/N’s is a white swan, Nabi’s is a blue butterfly, Marie’s is a black cat, Iseul’s is a pink puppy, and Kaori’s is a yellow duck

Etoile did a collab with “rom&nd,” a korean makeup brand, where each member got to create their own shade of lipstick. The five shades the members created sold out in just three minutes.

Etoile performed a cover of EXO’s “Growl” during one of their concerts in male school uniforms, and Starlights were so impressed by how cool and masculine they were

Being sandwiched between the two girl groups, Red Velvet and Aespa are like the older and younger sisters of Etoile (respectively.) The Red Velvet members are always checking in on them and giving them advice, and Etoile does the same thing for Aespa.

Starlight is famous for being one of the most loyal and devoted fandoms. They buy the girls billboards and food trucks for their birthdays, protect them from antis, and offer so much love and support.

The members have their own youtube channel called “Etoile Clubhouse” that they have permission to use freely. They post lots of different content, including challenges, games, song/dance covers, mukbangs, get ready with me/us videos, and q&a’s

Extra Info about Y/N:

Y/N is known as the loving mother of the group, while Nabi is more like a strict dad

Kaori was still in high school when she debuted, and Y/N took care of her like a mother would her daughter. She would wash and iron her uniform, prepare her breakfast and lunch, and help her with her homework every night. Kaori’s mother was so thankful, as she couldn’t do all this for her daughter herself, still living in Japan

While all the girls are close, Nabi and Y/N are best friends, they even have friendship bracelets

While Iseul is the visual because she fits the KBS the best, Y/N is the center/FOTG because her visuals match the group concept the best. She’s known for her “white swan” visuals: ethereal, graceful, and elegant.

Y/N and Iseul were also chosen as members of GOT the Beat

Y/N was the first member to have a solo debut in 2021. Her debut song was fittingly titled “White Swan.” Nabi helped her compose the songs, Marie helped her with the choreography, and Kaori had a rap feature on one of the tracks. Y/N performed it at the MAMA awards, and everyone was singing/dancing along to it so hard they almost forgot about the actual awards show!

Y/N is an ambassador for Dior and Chanel. Many brands were offering her deals after Etoile became popular due to her unique visuals, so she got to choose the ones she liked best

Y/N is known as the “OST Queen” of the group, she has sang many drama OSTs

Y/N’s best friends at the company include Yeri (Red Velvet,) Taeyong (NCT/SuperM,) Karina (Aespa,) and Ten (NCT/SuperM/WayV)

Y/N has had cameos in many different artists’ music videos, including Stray Kids, Enhypen, and NCT Dream

SHINee’s Key dubbed Y/N “SM’s secret weapon”

Y/N was part of a one-time collaboration unit with Dreamcatcher’s Dami, Weki Meki’s Doyeon, IZ*ONE’s Yena, and fromis_9’s Chaeyoung. They released a single called “Wild Mind,” and it was so popular that fans were advocating to start a new group with just these idols!

Y/N once dyed her hair indigo to match the fandom color, and fans started to dye their hair the same color to match her. The shade became known as “Y/N hair” on social media

Y/N and Marie were mentors on a Chinese idol training show, all the girls loved them because they were super helpful without being too tough. It also gained Etoile a lot of Chinese fans

Y/N has very impressive high notes, Starlights have made several youtube compilations with titles like “Y/N obliterating the sound barrier with her high notes for 5 minutes”

Y/N’s nickname from Starlight is “Angel Voice” due to her clear, bright voice

Y/N sang a cover of Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero” on Etoile Clubhouse, and Starlights tagged Taylor in it so much that she was shown the video in an interview. Taylor responded: “I’ve watched this video so many times! Her voice is so pretty. I met her once in Korea too, she’s so genuine and sweet! I’d love to collab with her, or Etoile as a whole. They seem so fun.”

Y/N was getting a lot of lip-synching rumors, until one day a staff member shared a video of her practicing before a concert with her mic on. It revealed her raw vocal talent and debunked all the rumors.

[sleepyslag]

In my long post about Andromeda Galaxy I totally forgot to mention we know she's moving towards us in part because she's BLUE SHIFTED which is rad as hell. Most things are red shifted because the universe is expanding but not Andromeda :) she just wants 2 be close to us :)

(she wouldn't be expanding away from us anyway because she's part of the Local Group of galaxies which are gravitationally locked with the Milky Way!!)

[delicrieux]

𝑻𝑰𝑴𝑬 𝑻𝑶 𝑷𝑹𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑫, 3. summer 1972, late august

pairing for this chapter—sirius black x f!lestrange!reader   warnings for this chapter—sirius hates his brother word count—4.3k

in which you show an act of bravery worthy of a gryffindor. if the come up, that is, wasn't so inherently slytherin.

masterlist | buy me coffee☕ | ttp masterlist | < back | next >

all of sirius' records are bought by andromeda. no one ever speaks of her. it’s bad luck. might split the sky in half, or disentangle the galaxy and all of its atoms; unravel it all, suddenly, like aunt druella falling to her knees at the mention of a well-loved name. she claimed a fainting spell, but you knew. the lights were particularly dim that evening at dinner.

no matter, you're well-meaning enough not to bother. everyone is allowed their own interests. you find it in the depths of father’s coffee cup and the curious hills and swirls the grounds make as they dry. how they shift in the wispy morning light, or become swallowed by your shadow. andromeda’s lay in things not known by the lestranges, or perhaps things frowned upon. she mails her curiosities to sirius via the muggle post. when a strange man appeared at the gates of the lestrange manor, everyone had fallen into a frenzy. the whole household, all twenty-some-or-more staff and four inhabitants (discontent house-elf and mother excluded).

this foreign officer referred to himself as 'the postman,' whatever that meant. grumpily (he was left standing in the rain, see), he shoved a parcel into your affronted butler's hands and demanded a signature. no quill, only a slim, plastic tube that clicked irritably when pressed by his finger. you and regulus watched this whole display out the second floor window, leaning over the ledge for a better look. a whole variety of things came to sirius, it was revealed, all of it contraband in a sort, to your knowledge. a bit of illicit music, a few letters with charmingly fancy stamps. a card titled Miss you that you just managed to save as rabastan threatened to throw it into the fire. a glossy magazine you and regulus were allowed to browse through briefly, only to see for yourselves the unmoving, ugly muggle world.

of course, sirius didn't know of any of this – it was stored away without his knowledge of its arrival. locked up in the attic, where all unpleasant things lie. you and regulus and the staff were sworn to secrecy. sirius musn't ever know his disgraced cousin is sending him strange things and corrupting his impressionable mind. you didn't mean to linger, or listen, or intrude. the pool laid waiting for you, and regulus, impatient by your side, tugged on your sleeve. a plea to leave before your brothers went on a tangent. so many new words to learn. this was, however, the most interesting thing to happen all summer, overshadowing even the long awaited wedding. a muggle postman under the lestrange roof. bella, if she was not away, would have thrown a fit to be outshined by such a thing.

that very night, you sneak out of your room. the hallways are dark in spots where moonlight doesn’t spill; the portraits are asleep, and the landscapes are quiet. the soft echoes of your bare feet against the cool tiles of the flooring make you shudder in your linen. summer heat lingers by the ceiling, though the nights are usually chilly. you creep silently, as you have many times before. you are quite adept, a child who can't seem to stay put no matter the trouble it may cause. and this may cause quite the bit.

you wander to the attic, mind the seventh step with the creaky floorboard, and ascend slowly. patience is a virtue, and when you really want, you possess wells of it. here, the dark is thick, almost tangible, and how and where you move is more thanks to memory than sight. though the dust burns at your eyes, they do eventually adjust, and the outline of a shape becomes easier to see.

austere, sparse. only the sooty remains of old armouries are left. furniture gone to rot, and masses of small boxes and unattended bookshelves. never a pleasant place, even during the day. it sits right above mother's room, and you try to avoid this part of the house entirely. a blind spot, like the corner of your eye. nothing well is ever found here, and you never come searching.

a bit of fumbling and you locate the parcel. it would be good to bring everything, but it's quite heavy, and you'd rather not risk it. you'll let sirius know of his hidden belongings once you have surprised him. you are not as selfless to inform him instantly, no. no, no, to miss an opportunity as this would be a great loss. how else would you show a bravery than going against the collective wishes of the black and lestrange families and blindly grabbing around in the dark for his cousin's gifts?

you sort through the things. lay them gently beside your feet; hear the roll of a crystal charm as it travels down the room and gets lost in a shrouded corner. you thought of waiting for a few days. spun a great tale of being watched and trying to get the presents to him as quick as possible, only to amplify the intensity of it all. your attention span waned an hour into your promise to keep this secret.

you grab for a record and flee. sirius likes music the most. this will make him happy.

carrying your load through the manor's quiet maze, your senses prickle at each shadow. perhaps someone is following you, or you can hear them whispering. the slightest tinge of an anxious feeling comes and goes with each breath. when you were little, regulus needed to hold your hand through the dark, since sirius was too old and too cool for that at eight. the manor at night made his pulse jump under his skin and then, you were the braver of the pair. now, reggie doesn't need your help, and neither do you need his. you’d prefer his quiet reluctance beside you. a want to continue but being too cowardly to make the first step. you’d march together. should you have invited him?

no, sirius wouldn’t like that. he prefers his brother out of sight.

at last, sirius' bedroom door presents itself before you. the faint whistle of the wind rattles the windows. instinctively, you grab for a hand that isn’t there.

you hope he isn’t asleep. he’s too grown to go to bed at an early hour. he must see you in motion, so brave in delivering contraband. contraband is a new word you've learned recently, and you quite enjoy saying it. contraband. this record is the first in, what you presume, a long line of suspicious items you will have to sneak. it will all be worth the effort.

you rap on the door. one. two, three. a forth one for safe measure. no response.

"sirius! i have a gift," you whisper, leaning in close. your cheek presses onto the cool, glossy surface, and thunder rumbles somewhere far overhead. it is not the prettiest song, but you like how deep it is. and sometimes, late at night, when the dark is very deep and the manor is quiet as the grave, you like to hide under the covers, "sirius?" you add, and a beat passes, and it occurs to you might be sleeping.

your plans of grandeur are deflated a little. what is the point of a secret if he isn't there to be surprised?

then, the handle clicks. slowly, cautiously, the door creaks open just enough for him to stick out his head. he's pouting. his gaze flickers, a nervous twitch, "why are you awake?" his voice is raspy from sleep, and his cheeks are splotchy, "aren't you scared of the dark?"

of course not, you had told yourself that the whole trek over. he waits patiently for an answer, despite how tired and annoyed he appears. your heart pounds at the sight. his hair looks funny, tousled. a wave falls over his forehead and the rest stands in spikes. you wonder if regulus' hair will do that in the morning. at breakfast, likely not. if you came to wake him unannounced, it likely would. how embarrassed he’d be.

you hold the record close to your chest, but not too tightly. sirius had once said they are fragile and can shatter if handled unkindly. still, you fear your arms might crush it if the rumble of the thunder shakes it from your grasp, like it would a robber caught red-handed.

"it isn't scary," you try, and tentatively hold out the present, "this came for you. but no one let you have it because, you know, well. it's from, er, you know." can’t say her name, even to someone that would prefer to hear it.

you can imagine a carousel of thoughts whirring madly behind his face. shock. surprise. delight. gratitude. so much more. it's impossible to catch everything, not even in the blip of light. thunder rolls.

"thank you," is his only response. he perks up as he takes his present. perhaps he had gotten over the surprise a bit quickly, or he had expected this to be sent to him all along, but nonetheless, it seems he is rather touched. at least that's what you assume by how happy he's acting, like an eager puppy, "let's go to my bed, 'kay? i've got a record player over there. come on."

you rush after quickly, not one to miss such an opportunity. the room douses in a dim light with a flick of his wand. there are books and clothes and posters slew on every surface and corner, and you overstep a pair of expensive linen trousers carelessly tossed on the rug. next to the bed sits a heavy trunk. he must've been packing. a red and gold scarf peaks over the edge. yours to be, surely.

the space goes mute and settles. like a pop in your ears after travelling via portkey, the sound returns after a small discomfort. a silencing spell. his wand clatters onto the bedside table. you had picked yours only a few days ago, but didn’t dare touch it since you grasped it for the first time.

when you settle into bed beside him, and he sets up the contraption and places the needle, it sings in the quiet. he lowers the volume just a bit.

"muggles like big music, don't they," you remark, though you do rather like it, if it makes him grin so, "can we dance? please?"

a crack, finally, along with thunder. his face splits into a grin, "of course! but a bit quieter. don't want the whole estate to catch you here. come on, now,"

so the pair of you jump and whirl about his room. you're sure he knows real muggle dances. it's very different from waltz, not smooth at all, more free, and not nearly as dignified. but oh, the beats!

as the song finishes and the music winds down, your head spins. not from dizziness, but from pure, unbridled glee. his face matches the feeling. sirius claps, as if he had never been satisfied before now, as if a curtain had gone down. he smiles broadly, a full mouth of teeth, “imagine what people would say if they saw us."

you mirror his expression, "it’s horrendous, isn't it? such disgrace."

a smile and a titter escapes him.

"a terrible affair," he gives a nod to no one, the empty bedroom and his possessions, "it would displease my family greatly. i will never dance another way again."

“what of waltz?”

“what’s that?”

"oh dear, the absolute scandal!" you clasp your hands together in horror, though really, you don't mind at all, "they shall call you a heretic and a bumptious imbecile. surely. won't that be dreadful? your reputation will be ruined."

"utterly! completely ruined. mother will burn my portrait out the family tree."

"what a messy business. tragic. whatever are you to do, young sir black?"

his words and gesticulations and silly faces make you a bit warm. this is quite something to be cherished. him, in his lonely, messy room, and the mellow candlelight. the rain pouring. a nice and pretty tune in the air. dancing is one of your favourite pastimes, besides flying and stargazing.

"hey, wanna play pretend?" he inquires, plopping back onto his bed.

you snort, dropping the audacious accent, "isn't that what we've been doing?"

he shakes his head, though his lips curl and his eyes roll fondly. "different sort. c'mere."

you perch beside him, your head level with his shoulder. his eyes are very shiny. if he told you a story, you wouldn't have trouble believing him, since they tell more than his voice ever would. but that'd be cheesy, and you'd never hear the end of it, if you told him the same. his knee bumps into yours. his head falls forward, just a bit, "tell me a secret."

"tell me a secret."

"no, go first. my secrets are boring, your's are, uh. mysterious. and interesting. and a whole bunch better. pretty please. can i have a hint?"

the compliment, you have to admit, flatters you. so does his prodding and pleading, all his wheedling and how adorable he looks while doing it.

you think of an answer carefully, a plan already forming, "well…someday, i'm going to have to marry, right?"

he groans, "merlin, no, don't tell me you're also thinking of this nonsense?"

your thoughts scramble to change, like little ducklings hurrying away from an unpleasant sound. you frown, a bit ashamed to be rebuffed so unkindly, or you should, but he's still staring at you intently, waiting for you to elaborate. like you had assumed, all boys think weddings silly. sirius is no different.

"is it wrong to think about that? i mean, someday you're going to be married, too," you deflect, "in the future," the distant one, because a child like him cannot comprehend that. or perhaps he can. after all, he will be growing into a man soon, "and besides, with bella's wedding, i suppose it got me thinking."

he has, strangely enough, become flustered. his freckles are darker across his nose, "who says i'll get married?"

"don't you have to?"

"no," he answers defiantly, crossing his arms. how defensive he is suddenly! but with how fidgety he is, it must be a sore subject. perhaps he is being affected more than you'd guessed.

"you're the heir, though," you muss. it's very unlikely walburga won't entangle him into some arrangement. you're sure she already has some sort of ideas for sirius. they are likely being executed as you speak, "you have to make kids to carry on the family, no?"

the odd, stressed look on his face almost breaks your resolve.

"we don't have to do that," he states.

that's news to you, and, logically, seems to be rather improbable. that means you don't have to get married, either. at least you won't have to carry out the other portion of marital duties, of which you are far more squeamish, "hmm," you manage, but you're not convinced. it seems quite rational to you that you should follow the pattern set by generations.

"why would you even want to get married?" he grumbles. the question comes off snottier than intended, "like i'd want some girl telling me how to behave all the time."

"we aren't allowed much choice in the matter."

"the more reason not to, right?"

this conversation had taken a sudden turn, and a sickly, squirmy feeling has taken a seat on the bed between the two of you. the dance music has finished, and the sound of rain overpowers the room. the record spins and crackles.

"we can run away."

the suddenness of his declaration makes the both of you pause, staring at the carpet and bedspread respectively. it’s not a fully formulated thought. can’t be, and in your endless compassion and innate ability to forget audacious ideas, secrets, and suggestions at a moment’s notice, you decide that he never spoke of this, for what he suggested is a breach of trust so careless and terrible that you begin to worry what else lays on his mind. must be many things such as this, dangerous, modern ideas ready to spring free given the proper climate. and the climate is warm, here, built on your friendship and your inability to refuse him.

you decide he had been caught up in the heat of a moment. harmless, silly. he asked you to play pretend, after all.

he amends before the silence could deafen him: "it'll be just the both of us."

you don’t want to listen to this, not in his room, not in your linen, not with the night singing against the windows and the record scratching at the needle. the spin is mesmerizing. he’s older and should understand the implications better. you don’t want to be the one to understand. to be rational, when you only ever wish to be carefree.

you laugh, and it sounds a tad awkward, but what a great big joke! sirius is always funny, "of course. we could live on a raft, or in muggle london. recon there wouldn’t be much of a difference. or perhaps a particularly cosy cave in the scottish highlands. with the sheep."

his eyes narrow, miffed. "i’m serious.”

“don’t suppose i need an introduction, do i?” you smile, but it doesn’t break his frown.

“we can run away.” he says, quite firmly. no more playing, then, “the both of us together," he adds, flicking his eyes away from you. his voice wavers.

"we can't just go and leave,” you start gently, “there's, well, a lot to explain. they’d catch us, too, quickly, i recon. our families. i can’t work, my hands are delicate, even if sheep are a riot. we’d have no galleons.”

"i'd work."

stubborn prat.

"stupid, you're twelve."

"almost thirteen."

"your birthday's not till november," you retort hotly, "therefore: you're twelve. how can you even consider proposing such a stupid scheme?"

his tone shifts, anger showing itself, "don't call it stupid. you haven't thought of a better one!"

you take a deep breath, and fight the childish impulse to sock him on the jaw, "i'm not the only suggesting we run away. that's- you just suggested it, first, no less! all of the sudden!"

"yes! yes, i did, but you were supposed to agree."

you can barely find the words to reply. he just gets so impossibly brattish when he's not having his way, "we can’t leave. that’s positively mental. and we can't leave reggie."

he bristles at the mention of the name, "he's not my problem."

that hurts. for some reason, this cut is especially sharp and stinging, "don't say that. he's your brother."

"only by blood."

such callous words make your face burn. what's this coming from? his posture shifts, back perfectly straight and shoulders taut. this can only mean that his emotions have overcome him. that is never good, "blood is important, though."

his dark eyes glimmer and there's a storm building, something inscrutable, a bad feeling. your mouth goes dry. you had said the wrong thing, a terrible thing. he shan't ever forget or forgive you for this. not to mention the topic itself. these are very dangerous and tender and frightfully unknown waters. you cross your arms and huff, feeling especially very small, "how can you hate him, anyway, when he adores you so much?"

the hard glint in his eyes doesn't leave. in fact, he appears to grow taller and paler with the turn of conversation, or perhaps his skin had always been a rather milky white. his words are colder still, "why are you always defending him?"

"regulus has never done anything bad," your protest is weak. and that isn't what he wants to hear, "he loves you."

"you should be on my side."

"but, why are there sides to begin with?" your tongue feels big in your mouth, and a weird taste bubbles, like metal and rust and salt, "you're brothers, you shouldn't fight."

"he's a rat."

"sirius!"

"and an idiot," he grumbles, "and selfish. a tosser. stop defending him."

this is awful. to see him with such a harsh expression and to be berated as though you're an awful friend and a liar, "stop it."

"what? he's not worth the trouble of you protecting him."

"leave him alone."

"he should leave you alone."

you wince and jerk away. how has everything gotten out of hand so fast? this is his bedside. you brought him a gift, and you danced, and he spoke kindly, and now this. you bite your tongue. your teeth press a bit too hard, “you’re being awful.”

he doesn’t seem to hear you, "why do you even like him anyway?" he sulks. a funny word to describe a very unhappy young man.

"quit it."

"are you fond of him?"

"please, shut up."

"more than me?"

silence. the world tilts, just so slightly, to the right, and spins just a tad bit too fast. does he really dislike his little brother so much? you understand he may feel a twinge of annoyance sometimes, a tad of passive resentment every other hour, which is simply understandable and probably half-decent for brothers, especially those that have nearly nothing in common and no sort of trust. but, there's the matter of an absolute hatred for someone that does no wrong, that would never, by anyone's means, ever hate you back. that isn't fair. it's only heart-breaking.

perhaps you've done wrong not to believe regulus when he confided sirius was terribly cruel to him at times. the thought stings, an acidic sort of shame. regulus wouldn't lie, he's not very good at it. you've only ever seen him sweet and obedient, a boy very different from his older brother. he was honest and soft-spoken, but just as sincere as sirius, though in a subtler manner.

gentle is another good word. or lovely.

one could argue they've both been acting odd lately. regulus had the muddled, far away eyes, but sirius was aggressive in their shared proximity. isn't it expected for siblings to fight and bicker? you and rabastan rib all the time, like it's embedded into your very marrow. you've never grown cold toward him, and you feel this way won't change much, if ever, but there might be a deeper part of you, one that can feel you're much more similar than you originally gave it credit for. perhaps it's the same with them, too.

this discovery makes you itch. it can't be that simple. of course it couldn't be. is this who he is, truly? you almost hope he will suddenly apologize and maybe hug you a bit tighter, or, or make things better somehow, say he's just teasing, tell you you're the dearest most wonderful friend a boy could ask for.

his face crumples like a wet sheet of paper, "answer me. please?"

"you know i'm fond of you both."

"more than him?"

"both."

"so he's your favourite," his voice shakes.

the look on his face…a mixture of embarrassment and genuine hurt. your's must match.

"please don't say that, i don't have favourites."    

"you just put up with me?"

"sirius,"

"stop being so vague."

"you're being mean."

he huffs, "fine. whatever, see if i care what you think."

"sirius?"

"don't bother. just leave."

"what?"

his eyes are strangely wet. you reach out to touch his cheek, in the hopes it'll soften him, but he jerks back, like you had attempted to strike him. the two of you gaze at each other wide-eyed and mortified. his eyes keep tearing, but the rest of him is perfectly still and calm. you decide it's probably best to not call attention to his tears, "what should i say then?"

his face hardens, "don't say anything."

"but--"

"go," he mutters, not even sparing you a glance, "just. stop bothering me."

his eyes brim again, and the sight makes your own become glossy. how humiliating. something coils in your stomach, uncomfortable and inescapable. how should you act? but he doesn't know either. all you have are bits and pieces of lessons and rules, none of which apply to this situation, not in a satisfactory way.

he doesn't move. neither do you. his heart beats and you can feel it, too, on your side of the bed. the clock ticks.

time stretches on.

it's a strange feeling, because it's not a foreign one, and you wish it was. the dull sense of loss makes you feel weak and empty, like you've skipped dinner.

carefully, you inch closer, until the tips of your fingers graze his. you clasp them, awkwardly. it's a childish way of keeping the two of you together. your insides hurt. you wonder if his do, too. he feels warm to the touch, solid and real. both of your palms are clammy.

you manage, breathlessly, "i don't want to fight with you."

his jaw remains tense, "no, you want to have my stupid brother's back,"

"please?"

"fine."

your stare at your joined hands.

"i'll leave," you promise quietly.

"good."

a cold silence creeps in after those words. you let go of his hands and step off his bedside, a great, wistful longing coiling in your gut. you gaze, again, hopefully, only for him to sneer. a terrible look, it doesn't belong there, and it doesn't suit him in the slightest. your head drops, you nod once, and step outside his door and out onto the staircase. the air’s tinted with something burnt and foul.

it's dark and quiet and you feel strangely hollow. the stairs twist beneath your feet. you trudge along, mindlessly, hand gliding down the railing you'd perched on with sirius on sunday. what a distance. it feels like an ocean has swelled, swallowing the shoreline. a curious heat rises up from your neck, itching, prickling, spreading all over.

light dances in the parlour room. the hearth cracks and pops strangely. a swish of a heavy robe, a crinkle of parchment, a sniff.

bellatrix.

she's returned. her silhouette stands imposing by the flickering flames. you're not sure why you came here, only that you did.

she notices you lingering there, head propped against the frame, staring. your hair, mused from earlier, likely gives it away, or, the puffiness in your eyes. her wet footsteps line the polished floor. the lull of rain is oddly soothing.

she tilts her head to the side, examining you, "it's awfully late."

you nod. your chin feels sticky. you wipe at it with the back of your hand, the pads of your fingers swiping your cheek and brushing beneath your nose. she holds out her palm and beckons. something in your stomach unravels, just a little. the carpet is rough, and her hand is heavy on your shoulder.

"shouldn't be wandering around at this hour, my dove," her voice is gentle, the light of the fire lapping across her. her eyes shine strangely, blacker, a dark, curious depth. a flash of green pierces through her iris and disappears. she smells like the night, fresh, and something sweetly charred, like a bonfire or campfire, or, smoke, "a proper little lady sleeps early."

a lump in your throat keeps you from replying. you gaze into the fire. the remains of letters and postcards crumple to black ash. a bright, smiling face on the cover of the magazine shrivels up, blackening at the edges and curling, melting in the cinders. andromeda's gifts.

this is why you never want to know anything.